Boundaries and Taking Up Space: How To Be a Better Balloon
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- Опубликовано: 14 май 2024
- #Sponsored @Audible - I’m so excited that this video is sponsored by Audible! Did you know you'll be able to listen to my audiobook on it once it's released? New members can try it free. Visit audible.com/howtoadhd or text HOWTOADHD to 500-500 for a free trial of Audible.
Here's the resource I mentioned towards the end of the video:
The Power of Check-Ins by Neurodiversity Education Academy
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And another video we made about boundaries: • How to Set Boundaries ...
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Music credits for "Boundaries and Taking Up Space: How To Be a Better Balloon":
"The Show Must Be Go”, "Life of Riley"
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0
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00:00 - Intro
00:28 - The Boundary Struggle Is Real
01:05 - Bowling Balls & Inflated Balloons Bin
01:29 - Unnflated Balloon & Bowling Balls Bin
01:53 - Inflated Balloon & Inflated Balloon Bin
02:15 - ADHD & Boundaries
02:53 - Wait! One More Thing! Yes & No Boundaries!
03:37 - Thank you Audible!!!
04:26 - Outro
Hello Brains! If you want a FREE trial for Audible, go to audible.com/howtoadhd or text HOWTOADHD to 500-500 :D The book I mention is Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, it's SO GOOD!
I really liked the book "How to say what you mean" which borrows from/builds on "Nonviolent communication". I found it at the library before I realized I have ADHD and I really liked the lists it had of possible needs I and others might have, to help me identify and speak about them more effectively. ❤️
In this video it look like you have a huge neck 😂😂😂
Thank you so much for your videos you make me happy when I have a horrible ADHD DAY
My biggest struggle is that I often don't know what my boundaries are until someone slams into them. These are often people who would have respected the boundary if I had been able to communicate it, but I didn't know it existed until it was a problem
Yeah that's one way we find our boundaries, not the most enjoyable way that's for sure... but it can help us to learn to begin recognising when a boundary is coming up and can help us learn how to communicate it before it happens again. Stiiiiill doesn't make it easy when that happens.
I relate so hard to this!!!
Very, very true for me, as well.
Me too. Now that I'm 45 and have better friends and relationships, I'm learning good friends & partners respect your boundaries even when you change them mid way. Yes, I still have anxiety about how they'll react, but I know it will be worse if I keep letting the boundary get crossed if I don't say anything... Also, a good friend of mine roll plays with me prior to dates. He knows, I sometimes do things with guys because I didn't even think of the situation as a possibility before it happened... for example, lines like, "I'd feel more comfortable if" they do the thing that respects my boundary. Then it makes them the jerk for making me feel uncomfortable.
Oh yeah..-.-
For me, it's so hard to know the difference between setting boundaries and ignoring the needs of others. I don't want to dismiss people but I also don't want to dismiss myself.
Yeahhh it can be hard to do what's best for us knowing that it means we can't help someone else with their needs. We can still acknowledge their needs do exist while acknowledging that we have our own that we need to look after.
@@HowtoADHD I was just talking about this. I think asking about strengths of preference (for example, strong, medium, weak) can be really helpful alongside discussions of needs.
It's fairly common to have fundamentally incompatible needs as well. Sometimes you're a hard yes on someone else's hard no, and vice versa, and that's not really anybody's fault.
My old therapist pointed out to me that being disabled contributed to me not knowing how to implement boundaries. Because I needed SO much help as a kid, I am still learning what’s okay to keep to myself and that caring for myself isn’t selfish or sinful.
My focus lately has been to stop being a people-pleaser, and to vocalize my boundaries more. It's been super helpful to know other ADHD people struggle with this. Your video is perfectly timed!
The struggle is REAL for sure! Glad the video is coming at a good time :D
I can say I struggle with the same issue I often fold giving to much and forget about my needs or I take up to much space and ask for too much which leads to me disliking myself folding even more letting others have everything and trying to make myself invisible 🫥 Thank for sharing 🙂
I also think that there are times where you have to be the bowling ball. Especially in today's society. Those times when being flexible like a balloon gets you flattened still. Those moments are so hard to navigate.
@@krash_1I know what you mean - not a bowling ball crushing balloons, but rather a bowling ball trying to get past other bowling balls. Reality has both in the bin-- and instead of a bin sitting still, has us trying to move forward, but that's harder to show in a simple image.
As an autistic person, my biggest problem is that I feel so strongly about things that aren't really up to debate as boundaries for other people. This makes it really hard for me to make boundaries, as I just...struggle to make sense for other people.
Write them out and let your loved ones read it. Have a silent signal that the people you trust can spot easily to know to promt you to say something. Just a couple ideas that may or may not work.
Your brain is different! That makes you super unique. It also means what's normal for them is abnormal for you. Good luck!
I found this distinction really helpful:
- Setting a boundary means naming what we can or cannot do for other people (e.g. “I’m not able to talk to you, if you keep raising your voice.”)
- A request means asking someone do something for us (“Could you please stop raising your voice?”)
- A demand is an attempt to dictate someone else’s behavior (“I don’t want you being so negative”).
A request entails that it’s always up to the other person to meet our request or not (it might be their boundary not to do so). If the other person is not ready to meet our request, we can set a boundary. The aim of the boundary is not to change the other person’s behavior (that would mean demanding that they change), but to take care of our needs or to keep us safe.
Thanks for this! Sharing with others.
Raised in the 80's in conservative midwest Bible belt. Married 20+ years not knowing I could set boundaries. 2 years of therapy and I'm WAAAY better! So much happier!! Finding my joy again!! Probably going to have to get a divorce. Spouse has joined therapy almost a year, some changes but I don't think they are really buying into it being anything more than avoiding the stress of divorce. This channel is part of my support!!
I've always been a people pleaser without realising it. I used to teach and i would regularly go out of my way to help my colleagues at the detriment of what I really needed to do. I think, knowing what I do now, that I got a bigger dopamine boost from helping others than I did helping myself.
You're onto something there with the dopamine hit from helping others and making others happy... I find it's best to make rules for myself for the future me when asked to do something I regretted doing, so in effect, I'm making a new boundary. Still hard for me to remember in the moment and not come up with an excuse as to why this situation is different and doesn't fall into my new boundary rule... I so didn't realize lack of boundaries were an adhd thing and not my personal character flaw.
Being a balloon surrounded by bowling balls resonates with me. I have no idea what my boundaries are in both the "yes" and "no" direction, so I tend to go with the flow and adjust myself to others. Very stoic. Usually by the time I realize I've crossed a boundary, it's because I've gone so far past it, you can't even see it anymore in the rear view mirror.
I really feel like I'm an uninflated ballon in a lot of tenuous-feeling social situations and then, because I don't get my needs met, I can become a bowling ball with the people I trust most. The people like my parents or my friend of twenty years. They're not going to leave. But it makes me sad that both are so out of balance. I am my best self in relationships that are well-established enough I can place some trust in people to care about my needs and boundaries but aren't so secure that I feel tempted to be selfish.
Yeah finding that balance to be inflated while giving space for others to do the same is... definitely a challenge. I still fluctuate between all three myself. It takes time to really figure out which boundaries are healthy and which boundaries maybe aren't... and knowing that sometimes we'll tip to one side or the other.
You're great Jessica! Thanks to you I accepted my adhd diagnosis and now I understand myself much more!!
Awwww that's awesome!! Self understanding can definitely go a long way
This is SO relatable, I have spent years of my people pleasing (being the balloon in the bowling balls) and only now am I learning how to create healthy boundaries.
Thank you for this. As a person who struggles to define my boundaries, as well as desperately not wanting to offend others' boundaries, I really like the bowling ball/balloon analogy. It's a reminder that I don't have to feel like a bowling ball for simply expressing my boundaries and desires, unless I come across another bowling ball and feel the need for a stronger shell.
It's also a reminder that others might feel like squishy balloons, too, and that if I want to explore boundaries with others,
ALSO (I just love this analogy!) I'm starting to realize I've dealt with quite a few 'bowling balls wrapped in balloons' - people who appear soft and flexible, but will go into bowling ball mode (preserving their boundaries and ignoring yours) as soon as they feel their boundaries being tested.
A coworker described boundaries in her interview as "a fence with a gate". You're always in control of whether the gate is open/closed, and who has access to it. Love this balloon/bowlingball metaphor too. Hoping to share with my colleagues if that's okay?
Ironic that my entire therapy session this morning was about boundaries. I had set a boundary with my parents while wedding planning and they kept bulldozing right over it, so now I have to be more firm and insistent with it. Thanks for making this video!
This has been a particular challenge for me lately at work. I tend to go wildly swinging between bowling ball and uninflated balloon and it’s really challenging. I appreciate you turning out content today on this as it’s been the hardest thing for me these past months.
My favourite one was learning that “No.” is a complete sentence. It needs no explanation or justification. We can add “I’m sorry” and use a pleasant tone but practising saying “no” when you really don’t want to do something or can’t do it without hurting yourself unnecessarily has been an important lesson.
Balloons squeak when they rub against each other but only overinflated balloons will pop with a touch. If you’re around balloons that regularly pop when your boundaries affect them, maybe they need avoiding when your needs matter. 🎈 🎈 🎈
I love this. Over-inflated balloons should be added to the analogy. I've often said that some people (mostly men, sorry guys) have an ego like an over-inflated balloon pressing against the inside of a skull so think it takes a sledge hammer to get through. So that when you finally get the point across about your boundaries their fragile ego "pops" instead of just accepting.
I’m a chronic people pleaser and setting boundaries is very hard for me. Having emotional boundaries wasn’t even something that was talked about in my house until I went to college. Something that makes it easier for me is that I don’t think about boundaries as hurting other people. I think about boundaries as protecting myself. When I set boundaries I am loving myself and that’s what’s most important to me.
I could not do this for the longest time... finally one day, I finally figured out what worked for me. And that was, if the person actually loves me, they will WANT to know what my boundary is, so that they can express that love. Finally coming to terms with it in that way gave me so much peace and got me away from some really toxic people.
Yeah, I also have this problem. Being chronically isolated and excluded as a kid has made it so that there is a part of my brain that expects people to drop me if I am in any way an inconvenience. It's something that I'm working on, but it's really hard to change the mindset.
Thanks for this. This is something my partner and I are trying to figure out (both of us with ADHD, and both people pleasers). We've said from the start that we need to stay on top of communicating our needs, which seems to be working pretty well so far.
The BowlingBall/Balloon/Boundary metaphor is OUTSTANDING!! Thank you! Having such a descriptive and visual way to think about the interplay of individual boundaries is not only helpful for self-understanding but it is an amazing and non-threatening way to demonstrate and discuss issues with those around us who we impact and are impacted by! The term “Boundaries” tends to denote a rigidity and inflexibility… whereas the Balloon represents more flexibility yet expresses the need to be fulfilled equally. I love it!! 🎉❤
I had a friend (notice the word ‘had’) who always talked about her boundaries and hated it when people crossed her’s. One day on a play date, her child violated my child’s boundaries, and when I defended my child my ‘friend’ went absolutely epileptic at me even though her child was in the wrong. Double standard right there at its best. And our friendship never recovered.
Nonviolent communication is a bit important… also, not waiting too long is important too. I communicated my boundaries in a very loud way recently… I wouldn’t have been so explosive if I had spoken up sooner. I ended up getting fired… well, transferred to another department, but it felt like getting fired. Oh well. Lesson learned.
Bowling Balls and Balloons are an excellent analogy. Thanks for sharing!
Get that book!!!
Stumbled upon your channel after watching your tedtalks. Just wanted to say I appreciate your channel so much.
Brilliant analogy! So appreciate what you share with us.
I needed this 45 years ago! But I am getting now. Thank you as always.
And then there’s me desperately trying to blow air into the deflated balloon next to me while not losing my own air nor accidentally squishing her tiny balloon 😆
Ahhhh yes the 'I am putting your oxygen mask on first before I put on mine' situation. I do the saaaaame thing sometimes!!
This might be a bit off topic however, I watched your videos during my progression to actually knowing what ADHD was and they really helped through some tough growth.
I came up with a term I don't think I've heard of, unless subliminially through ADHD videos, and I thought maybe you could agree or disagree OR tell me this was your term. Either way, maybe this can be utilized as a new term because PTSD and others don't necessarily fit what I feel sometimes.
Photographic Emotions - When I think of trauma or something exciting, or happy, it literally feels almost exactly like I'm reliving that moment again. I relive that moment again, like PTSD but unbias to the emotion therefore, Photographic Emotion.
Love love love! This is a very simple but effective description of boundaries.
I am SO early and this is SO relevant to how I'm growing right now with my AuDHD.
I'm excited for this video!♡ Thank you ♡
Hiii!! Welcome!! I definitely hope it helps then!!
@@HowtoADHD Thank you so much! I've been around a while. I love your videos so much, they feel like home!
Wishing you all the best ✨
When you’ve been asking for help to learn about boundaries for years and this metaphor is the best thing anybody has taught me ❤❤
This is definitely something important for me and my therapists to work on. I grew up as a balloon surrounded by bowling balls, and I'm trying to learn now how to advocate for myself, and how to build my self esteem and confidence up so I don't always feel like I'm less than other people.
Hey queen 💖 yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD after a long time consulting to doctors and getting wrong diagnoses or getting told that everything was normal. I got my first prescription and I'm waiting to try it. I just wanted to say that you helped me a lot on identifying my simptoms and mostly by feeling heard, I cried watching some of your videos because I felt understood for the first time, so thank you so much. (english is not my first language so sorry for any mistake)
Growing up under a malignant narcissist boundaries were something I never heard about until someone I really cared about had to draw them against me as I was unknowingly treating this person some semblance of the way _I_ was always treated and didn't realize that, how, nor why I was doing it.
It opened up a lot of blind spots in my emotional intelligence, and once I discovered what NPD is and how having a parent with that can be damaging I started healing faster than ever before.
For a long time I wasn't comfortable expressing myself because it was seldom received in a way I felt accepted. Later, I became more of the bowling ball because I knew I wasn't going to be accepted anyhow. Now, I am simply exhausted trying to be something or someone I clearly am not.
I LOVE THAT BOOK!! IT HAS MADE SUCH A DIFFERENCE!! please make content about it as it's HUGE as an autistic adhder
Thank you so much. I've been watching your videos from the past 6 years. The journey with you was really awesome thanks a lot I am grateful. Hope you stay happy forever 💗
Boundaries are REALLY REALLY hard for me.
In relationships I often find it difficult to set boundaries and relationship expectations that I have for myself and the other person.
I often let my needs get side stepped while I provide everything my partner asks for.
Thank you for sharing great resources. I always want to keep learning. And while I will always advocate going to a counselor, for me the goal was to be able to get to a place where I didn't need it and could use the skills I had learned after taking time to recover. Adding more tools to my toolbox will make it possible to go a little further before I need to seek external help.
Thank you for this video, it was so clear and helpful. It made me realize where i had been failing to do this in my day to day.
I’ll definitely get that book! I feel like this one that much adult ADHD book available
Sooooon! But preorders are available now :D and I hope it helps!!
I have someone that provides a really good space for me to be who I am and we both have established expectations of what we each expect and what boundaries we have to follow and I have to say finding him is one of the best things to happen to me, we are also both neurodivergent aswell, I have ADHD and I can’t disclose his but we have alot of overlapping symptoms and knowing that makes it alot easier to know they understand, he loves my way of going super in depth explaining things like emotions and what people mean in different contexts and I love his stims cause they also stimulate me aswell, we’re also both mutually the first person either of us goes to when we need support. I wouldn’t trade him for the world
Respecting boundaries, being there when needed and wanted and understanding goes a huge way especially when demonstrating that you care for and understand the others needs, you might struggle but they’ll see and appreciate your effort
One Love!
Always forward, never ever backward!!
☀☀☀
💚💛❤
🙏🏿🙏🙏🏼
today i realised how fully engaging it is, listening to you at 1x speed.
What an amazing analogy.
Hi Jessica! I wanted to say thank you for this video in particular. I often struggle to get through ADHD help videos as I start to dwell on the aspects of it that are focusing on what to do right and how my current behaviours are "wrong" in comparison (especially when it's not outrightly said), contrastingly I found this video very insightful and unintrusive. It was very educational and gave resource space and respect for the audience to come to their own conclusions, and I found it very approachable and helpful c:
I've been using the terms Boundaries (No's) & Buckets (Yes's) lately.
Book pre-ordered, can’t wait. Half tempted to get the audiobook as well! Well done Jess, proud of how well you’ve done.
Autistic-adhd growing with a narcisistic older sister, creating an avoidance anxiety depresión... Well, what can I say...tought lessons but I am learning
There's hope! 💪♥️
Thanks, Jessica! Your videos are always awesome and helpful!!
We need the "How to ADHD" in Audible!!
What perfect timing! I’ve been talking about this in therapy and with people in my life. I have such a hard time expressing how I feel and I never say no to things, even if I don’t want to that thing. For the new year I’m going to work on my boundaries and spending more time with myself so that I know what those boundaries are. I can’t wait to read your book!
Thanks for sharing. Loved this metaphor and hope this will help me be less in trouble 😃
This was a great video, thank you! I'm going to share it with my kids as well. :)
Hello, Jess!
Hello, Brains!!!
Hi!!!
This was an amazing video, Jessica. The three analogies with the baloons and bowling balls is so perfect and explains it simply and clearly.
This is amazing, thank you so much! I love this metaphor.
I have never once heard it explained this way and this is going to be a really useful tool.
I really like this visual. Thanks for sharing this. ❤
I'm currently struggling with this, because my sibling sets some boundaries that dictate what others can or cannot do. On one hand, I know that if I don't respect it, it'll hurt their feelings / upset them. On the other hand, I feel that my own feelings are being ignored in the process. It's really hard to know how to navigate these things with the people closest to you, and I really don't have a good answer to it at the moment.
Those metaphors/imagery were great! I was recently a deflated ballon amongst bowling balls and lost a relationship because of it.
It hurts, but I know I’m better off now
I love any time brene brown is referenced
I love the analogy of inflated balloons and bowling balls. Makes it so clear to me.
I so needed this! 💖🎈
Boundaries are not about what other people do. Those things we want from others are desires. They are free to do whatever they want in relation to our wants. Boundaries are what we do when others don't meet our healthy expectations. You can have an expectation of respect but no one owes you respect. You have to decide what you will do when others don't show you respect (or any other expectation).
Hit 100k today . thanks for the knowledge and nuggets you had thrown my way over last months.started with 8k in February
I'm an advocate for having a diverse investment strategy. I grew to a 7 figure mark with my portfolio having exposure to different areas of the market, including small and large-caps of the ETF index, blue chip stocks, coins, grade bonds and alternatives like cryptocurrency markets, as this helps manage the overall risk on my portfolio managed by my FA.. Credits to my adviser, Larry Marshall, i have no doubt investing more
Wow, amazing to see others trading with Mr. Larry Marshall, I am currently on my 7th trade with him and my portfolio has grown tremendously.
This is not the first time I am hearing of Mr. Larry Marshall and his exploits in the trading world but I have no idea how to reach him...
He is really great at what he does with amazing skills, he changed my 0.1BTC to 2.1BTC within two weeks of trading, and I am now fully confident that he is reliable.
His accurate singles, coupled with his sound advice and risk management techniques, have completely transformed my trading strategy.
I fell in love with this title before I even watched any of it
I'm convinced that boundaries are the ways we act to prevent being saddled with the consequences of other people's behaviors.
They aren't suuuuupposed to be, but yeah, that is one way it can end up for some people.
Great analogy Jessica!
Nonviolent communication yay!!!
Yesssss such a good book!
this video couldn’t have showed up in my feed at such a better time! thank you! i might just pick up your book not only because i’d probably get a lot of use if it but i would also like to support people who are willing to hand this kind information to others in need so thank you!❤
Aw thank you so much!! Preorders really help, I appreciate it 🥰
Some examples of different boundaries would be great. Especially what yes boundaries are, but examples of both are definitely needed for those of us who have none. I've never heard of yes boundaries. Isn't that just having no boundary for that thing?
tysmmm just what i needed
My parents have always had pretty healthy boundaries with each other and with me. However, I have not been able to replicate that in any other relationship 😢 not sure why
I love this thank you 💕
My biggest struggle is to set boundaries and stick up for myself without becoming the crushing bowlingball. Ive had years of bowlingball behavior around and towards me, so I can never rely on people respecting my boundaries when I vocalise them. So I overcompensate, and become a steamroller myself. Its one of my main goals in therapy now, to find a balance between the two.
Thank you!
thanks Jess!
I love this channel. Thank you for so much badass-ness.
Just subscribed, great info!! so much I didn’t know about myself; another thing it makes no sense for you to be that beautiful. ✌🏽
Thank you.
Good video, thanks!
I'm going in search of my borders (borders or boundaries or limits???) through... PDFs!
Thanks for the video and good continuation !
Wow. That intro basically deacribes my parents. Probably explains so much about my life.. 😂
I'm definitely the sad flaccid balloon. Idk what to do about that, but being a people pleaser is so exhausting.
I found this helpful.
With AD(H)D you often force yourself to go over your own boundaries to function somewhat 'normally'. For example: working 16 hour days close to a deadline to compensate for previous procrastination, although your entire body screams you need rest. This makes the boundaries much more blurry, and easier for others to cross. A related thing is that you feel you do not have a right to boundaries, because you feel you are in depth due to the fact that you often screw up everyday things that the rest of the world seems to handle without problems.
Having grown up in a household with two abusive unbalanced parental figures, even beginning to know my boundaries is really hard. lol I'm learning though, and this video is very insightful!
Great metaphor!
Right?!?! A simple metaphor and it made SENSE to me. Glad it makes sense to you too!
You should make a video about endeavor rx and endeavor otc, an FDA approved treatment for kids and adults with ADHD. It’s a video game with a special algorithm formula that adapts to your play in real time keeping you challenged in the game. This results in clinical improvements to focus, and quality of life. 1/3 children who played show no measurable deficits to focus after just 4 weeks. I think it’s super fascinating and would be super cool to watch you make a video on it.
I'd love to see this analogy presented in a child-friendly way, I think it could speak to kids really well.
Hey Jessica! Could you make merch with a feelings ring of the such? I’d love to buy a mug or a poster with your brand on it!
Great video. I don't see the link to the list of common human needs cards in the description.
I think the only way I'm able to hold a boundary is by emotionally or sometimes physically distancing myself from the other person or persons. But by doing so the people around me either do not understand that I am setting a boundary and thus do not have the knowledge to respect it or they end up getting hurt to the point I no longer maintain the boundary for fear of causing more harm.
I have trouble perceiving where boundaries are a lot. I get distracted, and when i want something, I'll steam roll, but when im trying to listen/crossed a boundary, i make myself small. I talk a lot as well so i do it in conversations. Most of my family has adhd so in order for me to survive socially with them i have to be sure of myself. But it doesnt work well with other people.
My biggest issue is I try really hard to be flexible, but I want effort on the other end, and I don't feel like that effort is ever made. I know we live in hard times so when so and so, who chronically cancels plans with me, cancels again, with legit reasons, are they making effort? Or not? I dunno
You’re developing your mom voice!
Are signed copies of the book going to be available for purchase from the UK?
Sadly no :( :( we miiiiiiight be able to swing a book signing internationally but we're not 100% sure yet. I wish it could be though. Didn't realise the signed preorder was US only.
As someone with ADHD and OCPD, I find the latter leads me to vascilate between the 1st and 2nd strategy (hostile-passive relationship issue with OCPD). Any tips for maintaing a healthy 3rd?