How to Say No to People (and Protect Our Yes!) Feat. ADHD People Pleasers
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- Опубликовано: 21 фев 2022
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ADHDers are often people pleasers, and tend to have a hard time setting our boundaries when confronted. So when we are in those situations, how can we say no to people, and guard our yes in the process?
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I’m so glad to see you I have both autism and ADHD
I just got a ticket for out of date vehicle registration.
I tried to explain to the Officer that I had the initial paperwork and have been trying to get it done.
The Officer said " But sir, it's been out of date for 20 months."
Hmm! Good point.
Best Wishes from Montana M.H
Thanks, I am not going to commit just yet xP
"Buy ourselves time to decide."
= postpone until we forget
Lol
@@werbnaright5012 I find anxiety “helps” there 🤣
A co worker of mine once decided to start walking every day, before going out for the evening. She said at first when people invited her out before her walk, they were upset to get turned down, but after a while, "let's go to Mikes place, oh come on, you can walk after" turned into "have you had your walk yet?"
That is badass
Probably because it gets addicting. Before getting covid in March of 2020, I was hiking between 5-8 miles every day, it was my dopamine hit and it lasted for hours afterwards. If I wasn't able to get my hike in, I definitely wasn't happy. Also I hadn't been diagnosed with ADHD yet, so it was my meds, helped me to calm my anxiety, deal with people and it made me tired enough to sleep before 3 a.m.
@@Christina-71 true
If it’s hard to say “no”, try saying “I’m at capacity”.
It’s totally a cringey business world saying but it gets the point across quickly and efficiently.
It is TOTALLY an overused buzzword, but I can attest that I started saying it for exactly the reason that I felt a "no" was like telling my boss that I was not promotion material and probably a good target next time a round of cost cutting happens. Not only is it easier to say, and to receive, but it has also made me "look better" because people knew I was working right up to my limit; that message was not always getting across when I agreed to help out with anything that was asked of me.
I wonder if people with ADHD tend to be more sensitive to things like cringey business world terms. It is definitely something I pay a lot of attention to.
ESPECIALLY at work - that’s my personal hard time, because I feel pressured to say yes in those situations, because I can’t distract, divert, or any other “soft no” strategies.
Ohhh that's a good one! Thank you so much for sharing!!
@@doc_sav I also hate these buzzwords. But I've learned pretty quickly that (my?) managers only understand their lingo, so while I would not use it outside of work (really cringey), yours is a GREAT suggestion.
I like it sounds like gamer language so ima use it 😩💖
How convenient that this video comes available right as I’m considering skipping lunch to get through more of my work day even though I did that yesterday and crashed pretty hard. Now I ate lunch, drank some water, and feel MUCH better! Thanks guys! 😇
Woohoo! Great job!! Hope lunch was tasty! 😄
Way to go!! Any time I skip lunch - even if I eat and work - I'm totally drained the rest of the day. It's never a good idea but I still occasionally find myself doing this.
same omg I felt so bad for going on my break just now but I realized I'm not doing anything wrong and it's ok to take a break
I forget to eat lunch basically 4/5 days a week, and usually don't remember until dinner time. Time blindness is real
I've trained my students to congratulate me when I have lunch because this is such a huge problem for me 😆
“Not now is just future now and future me is still me.”
Omg the insight that gave. i heard it on repeat 10 times. It sounds so easy and obvious, but it is not. I really needed to hear that.
Thank you.
Future me is cursing my existence so hard that my past life's ears are ringing
I added that to my Google Keep in BOLD letters. Will be pinning it in an attempt to quit being such a jerk to Future Me In Future Now!
I really needed to hear that too.
Same!
That called me out so bad.😭😂
"Other people's emotions are not my responsibility" is a really difficult lesson I am teaching myself at 25. They can feel however they feel and there is nothing I can or should try to do about their feelings. I can change my behavior, but that should be based a boundary of theirs, not based on me adhering to my own boundaries.
I used to skip on bedtime routines for years, which also meant skipping on morning routines. I would stay up talking to friends whose schedules are later than mine, because I wanted to spend time with them and I didn't want to ask them to be flexible, seeing it as an imposition instead of a boundary. So I sacrificed sleep for other people for years. Now, it's "I have to go at ten/I need you to leave by ten" or whatever time I need to leave by to get good sleep.
And if it disappoints people, it disappoints people. Other people's emotions are not my responsibility. Anyone who is really going to be a good friend to me will respect boundaries like that and find a way that also respects their boundaries to make things work.
I had to practice my “saying no” responses. It felt silly at first, but when it came time to actually say no, I was prepared and avoided defaulting to “yes”. 10/10 would recommend!
Ohhhh! That's a good idea - thank you for sharing!
@@HowtoADHD Your videos have been so helpful. Always happy to help other fellow brains if I can 🤓
recently i was helping with an event at school and they asked me to help with something in addition to what i was helping with already. i looked at my schedule and realized i couldn't do both so i asked which one was more important. i was so proud of myself for not overworking myself but i still need reminders sometimes. thanks for this video :)
Great job!!
@@HowtoADHD I think your ibnu betrayed you, bc at the time it was important but not urgent since it was future
That's awesome :) Happy to hear that
I can't believe this video came out RIGHT NOW. Like, you've helped me through many a crisis, but with this one, your timing in impeccable. I was crying last night about being overwhelmed and about friends making me feel bad because I can't handle the things they can, and this couldn't have come out at a better time.
As always, it is a joy to watch your content.
Awwwwwww, glad it could come at a good time for you -- and sorry to hear about the struggles. Sending hugs! Unless you'd prefer no hugs, then sending kitten gifs! thumbs.gfycat.com/PlushThisLeopardseal-size_restricted.gif
@@HowtoADHD Ahaha that URL name though! 😂 the cat gif is cute!
you are not alone. I've been wanting to scream into a pillow most of the last day. hang in there.
I actually clicked like mainly because you said “or don’t. Because you’re allowed to say no.” People have always used guilt to get me to say yes even after I’ve said no because they knew it would work on me. And the consolation commitment is real!! I always do that to the most extreme. It’s quite sad.
Awwwwww, well I hope the video helps in some manner, but I definitely understand how difficult it can be when trying to say no to people who use guilt as a way to get you to commit. 🧡
Our boundaries are stomped upon people never listen to our No
@@Dancestar1981 Don't reinforce that belief. You will find that people will start to respect you when you start to assert boundaries.
@@PeachPlastic There's such a thing as "boundary bullies" who purposefully latch onto and manipulate people like this, knowing that if they push enough and guilt trip enough, the other person will give in. Not saying that the ADHD/codependent person has no responsibility in that situation, just pointing out that this attitude of "just try harder" is not always effective with ADHD people, especially when they are dealing with boundary bullies, as it sounds like Dancestar1981 is describing, those people who "stomp on" boundaries and "never listen to our no". They make it much harder for people to learn healthy boundaries, because they will push and violate them extensively, making the ADHD/codependent person have to work two, three, four times as hard to retain their healthy boundaries with that person. Just saying it's a complicated situation.
I was diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive type) and ASD only very recently after a lifetime of wondering what was "wrong" with me. My psychiatrist wrote your channel name on a piece of paper and told me to watch you! Thank you for creating so much useful, insightful and just plain amazing content. The diagnoses was not really a shock, more of a AHA! Moment and your channel is really helping me a lot!
This is something I've been working on in therapy after being a people pleaser for most of my life! Now I'm focusing more on myself for a change!😊
Same!!
Omg same!! its something I do alot too. So glad you are focusing on yourself well done👌
Same 😅
Lol this is what I'm working on in therapy.. im so scared to say no
Love this
When I bought my car a few years ago, I remember the salesperson trying to sell me on gap insurance. I kept 'basically' saying no, but being a people pleaser, I was also pretending that I wanted to hear more info (even though I already knew what it was and its benefits). This went on for about 45 minutes before I eventually had to just be like "No, I really don't want it"
Even that made me feel bad lol
That is SO relatable!
I know that feeling oh so well!!
You're so right! Learning to say no to people trying to sell stuff is a chapter on its own!!! 🤦🏻♀️
I people pleased most of my life until I ended up broke divorced and earning minimum wage at 33. Now at 40, I still consider myself a recovering people pleaser. The struggle is real! 😬
Oof - I'm so sorry to hear that! Learning not to people please as much can be a tough road, but great job getting to where you are currently in your journey!! 🧡
@@HowtoADHD thanks Jessica! Aron
I was 31 when I had that same situation. I'm 38 now and struggling to not say "no" to everyone. I'm so afraid that I'll cancel/not show up or not meet people's expectations that I can't even put myself out there to make new friends.
I just turned 40, got hit by a car and I have stage 4 non hodgkin's lymphoma cancer and I am slowly recovering from people pleasing but I just can't HELP it. My Birthday wish is to STOP people pleasing but it's not easy REALLY. 🤦♂️😔 I want to make everyone happy, fix ALL the things and problems in everyone's life. I have touched a lot of people's lives both good and bad. It's like God gave me a 2nd chance or something. 🤔😢
The struggle is so real!! Basically the same thing happened to me at 37. I never in a million years imagined I'd have been a single mother again with small children and starting over at 37 because I quit my job of 10yrs to be a stay at home mom only to be left 3 yrs later with literally nothing not even a home. Rebuilding after something like that is tough even still 10 yrs later.
And the most important thing to remember, saying no doesn't mean your a bad person. There are a million different responsibilities in life, you don't have to bear them all or at the same time.
YESSSSSS. Exactly!!! 🧡
Thank you for saying that. I've always felt like if I said no to something someone really wanted or needed me to do, that I was being mean. I have to constantly remind myself that it's okay to say no.
that "will i do this tomorrow" thing is so good! omg. that's perfect for me. and "its ok for someone to be disappointed" is really what I need to hear. i can't handle when I think someone has a negative feeling towards me. I'm working on being ok with that though, because people can have those feelings but that doesn't mean they define you that way. its not an all or nothing thing. ah its hard, but I can do it. i can change my unhelpful thinking
There are definitely moments where I say yes too easy, but sometimes I say no too easy too. When people are being spontaneous and ask me to join them, I tend to get very torn between wanting to and not being sure I do, and I end up just picking the most passive option and usually do not go with them. My body is less hyperactive than my brain, and when people make sudden plans and invite me I am overwhelmed by my thoughts. I can't just expect people to always tell me in advance though, even if I'd like them too, cause they may not have known before then anyway. I end up not doing things and regretting it.
I have dealt with panic and anxiety driving my decisions in the moment, and learned a trick to ask myself, "will I regret this if I don't do it?" It tends to flip the situations on their head for me, and lets me say no to many more things that I realize are just not that important.... and yes to some more important things I would have just avoided if I listened to myself in the moment.
Hello friend 😊 I am absolutely the same there
I hear you on this one. Sigh. 🤗
David, you put into words exactly the same thing I feel. Thanks for that, now I know what is going on in my brain.
Just wanna say - you’re amazing
You’ve offered me more valuable insight into my 8 year old sons ADHD - you have had a meaningful and positive impact on my understanding of him - which has brought so much to our relationship in general
When and if you can upload - It will always put a smile on my face, thank you 😊
I didn't expect to see one of my favorite artists on this channel! I hope you have a good day!:)
Hey, you! You and Jessica are both awesome.
This is so lovely! I hope she sees this and it makes her day 🥰🥰🥰
Huzzah and here here!
As a person with ADHD it’s nice to not only be in a space that understands, but also one where I can learn more about myself! You’re a life saver 😊
Awwwww thanks! And glad to hear you've been able to feel connected and to learn more about yourself! 🧡
My Schedule: "Do school work"
Me: **shouts in aggression**
Relatable!
I just want to say thank to every single brain and heart that loves this channel. I was finally diagnosed as combined type ADHD yesterday at 44 years old and it is because of this channel and every single one of you. So thank you everyone xx
Almost ditto. And Yay! Congrats! I was diagnosed with ADHD-I in December, a month before turning 46. This channel is a life saver! Best wishes to you. ❤️
almost ditto for me as well. I'm 44. I was diagnosed but i didn't take it seriously. This channel, among others, has made me see myself through a new lens--and what's amazing is that so much of my childhood and formative experiences were influenced by the then undiagnosed ADHD. Can't go back, but at least the understanding and appreciation is worth it.
Thank you so much for this! I have a really hard time saying no because I don't want to disappoint anyone or hurt their feelings. But now I realize that I don't have to feel bad for setting healthy boundaries and it's okay to say no.
Yessss, exactly! You got this!
@@HowtoADHD Thank you! ☺
'Despite what your brain tells you we cannot do all the things' I'm taking that with me because I've gotten actual panic attacks over saying no then immediately realising that it's not something I can actually commit to. This channel really helps me a lot with recognizing some of the ways I haven't been prioritizing myself and this video was just another (and extremely timely) reminder that's it's okay to say No. Thank you for that 💕
"Let me see what I can do" has been soooo helpful...and when asking, i try and add when No is an okay answer, (literally that phrase) and it's made things much easier, cuz other people seem to eventually also slip into that for me
I started adding “no is an ok answer” and got a few people telling me I was basically asking them to say no. I get that perspective, but I need people to tell me no is ok sometimes…communication is ExHaUsTiNg. I usually just say it anyway :P
the car fee thing, has been dunned the "ADHD tax". its when you incur extra fees and fines because of executive dysfunction.
This is my problem as I am 45 and only learned I had ADHD last Year. But... The Doctors Diagnosed it when I was a Child and no one told me.
01:55
My Mind: "Put it in a Video to remember..."
Also My Mind: "Now, which video was it...?"
My Mind Again: "What was I looking for in a Video...?"
Followed closely by: "The Dreaded Rabbit Hole of Thoughts"
I truly cannot express the importance of this in the workplace when bosses get too used to you saying yes you end up doing everything and you have no option in the matter establish boundaries off the bat
I’ve been practicing this in a simple way. I have a short beard but my mom dislikes facial hair and prefers me clean shaven, even when my younger brother has a full one. So I say that I’m not shaving it off nicely and that I prefer having it every time she indicates she wants me to be shave it off. I do this because I was heavy people pleaser when I was younger and I still can’t help it sometimes.
Oh dear it can definitely be hard saying no to someone you're close to, or a family member, but kudos for guarding your beard! 😊🧡
@@HowtoADHD Mother knows best lol
So relatable! One year for my new year's resolution I decided not to shave my legs for the entire year, mostly just to see what would happen. I got a surprising amount of pushback from friends and family, no direct conflict, but some confusion about why I was doing it and the offhand negative comment here and there. But, it felt great at the end of the year to know that I was in control of this part of myself, and I could tell people "no" if I wanted to. It's none of their business anyway!
Even after therapy I still have a hard time with this. People that are use to hearing yes all the time, can’t stand being told no. I realize that it’s not my issue. Is it hard? Yes, but at some point you have to choose you.
All my life I struggled with this. I would just burnout or fell ill to not deal with the "no" that I should have said. I'm on a burnout again, but more informed now and trying to get better. Thank you as always 💖
This is such a struggle for me. My mom also has ADHD and uses my ADHD against me to try and get more done. I’m sure you see where this lands is most of the time. I am definitely going to try and model this behavior.
"Not now is just future now", spoken like a true Zen Master.
I always called it the "messy tax", missing out on payments, or not remembering where something is and having to buy more and ending up needing to spend more
THIS VIDEO IS LITERALLY WHAT I NEEDED TODAY! I was literally talking about this to my friend at 3am last night, trying to figure out how to fix it...
Oh, I really feel those bars until the limit.
Unfortunately, I can't just say no to writing job applications now, because otherwise, future me will be angry at me.
I am currently in a lot of different projects at the same time and I brought a lot of this on myself because of being unable to say no. Right now there is no way I can cut back but after watching this, I will surely try it to maintain a healthier workload.
"Future you is still you, and not now is future now". This is such an important, effective statement. It also sounds very much like something troy from community seasons 1-3 would say and I'm very here for it cuz troy and abed were the neurodiverse highlights of the show and we needed more than we got so I'll never forget it.
Oh yes, saying no, a known inability of my past self. Took me a long time (from my standpoint at least) to reprogram it.
Another problem is when one says: "I'll check" instead of "yes", the thing/task gets forgotten like it never existed in my head hahaha
It's a constant effort, walking inbetween those two fields
YES. This is another reason I struggle with saying no/being non-committal, because I know I'll probably forget to actually "check" the thing if I say that
Just got my ADHD diagnosed after a decade and a half of struggling for no apparent reason, I’m hopeful that I can get medication at some point. But I really want to thank you because you are part of the reason I felt validated enough to actually get help!
Ugh, I'm a Yes Man. The amount of times I would just agree to do things, then immediately change my mind, feel bad about not wanting to do them and have to cancel plans.
At the time, I'm enthusiastic about it. That can change either straight away or at any time leading up to the event, typically in the morning of the day I'm supposed to go.
I used to make up elaborate lies about why I couldn't make it. Often using the excuse that my allergies are playing up or I've got a cold lol. Eventually I just started to say I just don't fancy it anymore.
"Not now is just future now". I love that!
This is sooooo important, the amount of times I've said yes to things I don't have time for and become overwhelmed
Same!!
I’d really like to see a “what it’s like to be neurotypical” video. Having ADHD I assume most of have never experienced being any different. Please create a video!
Ooo this is such a great idea!!
@@HowtoADHD I'd love to watch that video. I honestly have no idea and it confuses me.
A huge thing that my therapist taught me is that
1. Boundaries = Self love. If you do not love yourself, it will be harder to make boundaries, I/E, say no.
2. To ask yourself what has power over you and your decisions? Will saying yes make you beholden to this in a way you will be resentful of because your power is misplaced?
3. If you are feeling overwhelmed, let go of extra obligations. (There was a good video on this channel about asking yourself "What will happen if I 'don't' get this done, and if the answer is nothing? Then let it go) If you let go of extra obligations, you will have more room to do things you love; more room to say "yes"
I've been a people pleaser so long it's hard to know if I actually want to do something. My worst thing and best thing about me is my best creativity comes at a crunch. My answer to this is finding the right therapist until I can get actual ADHD help (NHS and private or anything).
*Edit* I love would I do this tomorrow? Right using that
I refuse to set boundaries with people because seeing them upset is more painful to me than simply saying yes.
Tremendous amounts of time and energy wasted on relationships that did not benefit me, but instead merely prevented the short term pain of saying "no". It's an issue of not just adhd, but also empathy.
Thank you so much for your influence. You are providing the resources that I will eventually use to help my kids, who will inevitably have adhd.
Omg I get this. I realise that some of it was seeing other people's feelings as more important my own... like, I should just stop having feelings, it's an inconvenience to everybody.
I have ADHD, but i have never had any problems saying no. I’m not a people pleaser. I don’t give a shot if they get upset
@@indigoziona Even worse, by supporting people we're often just enabling them to not confront their bad habits. In the end, neither of us actually appears to have benefited.
@@Fittrus omg I identify with that even more. Solidarity!
This is very relatable. Kudos to you for portraying this so efficiently!
I've gotten good at saying no. Unfortunately, I feel guilty, and say yes anyway in the end. Fortunately, enough people flake out on me that I don't get too overwhelmed.
this is me lmaoo
Yup! A tax we know... waaaaay to well. Thanks for sharing!
We don't owe someone a consolation prize just because we can't give them a yes.
Shit, this was one of the best things I've ever heard, because I always did. If I couldn't work extra on Wednesday I definitely would on Friday because of this reason. Pushing myself far over my limits (I did exact this last week, perfect timing)
I don't do New Year's resolutions but this year I made it a priority to say no more often. No new projects, no new recurring commitments or subscriptions, no spending money on something that wasn't my choice either planned or in the moment even if I did sign up for your course information, and most recently to allow myself to cancel something - appointments or tasks without feeling guilty about it - no consolation prize. I'm sorry I already have a commitment then. They don't need to know it's to lay on my back, laze around, and play video games for an hour to decompress and restore my mental health or just to put my house back in order so I can function tomorrow.
The thing about "Consolation Commitment" really resonated with me because I do that a lot, mostly because I feel really guilty about saying No to them, then always end up committing to something even bigger than the one I said NO to. Thank you for reminding me that I don't need to do that.
Also, would like to say that I finally got diagnosed and will be starting on medication soon (none of the pharmacies in my area had stock, so I had to order it from somewhere else), which I kept putting off because of the stigma around the adhd and the meds. This channel made me realize that it's not a bad thing if you definitely need it. So thank you again.
Thank you for this. I struggle with saying no. I either say yes or a blunt no. However I’m starting to actually have boundaries.
It definitely can be a bit of a process - but great job working your way through the 'actually having boundaries' journey!! 😊🧡
“Explaining our reasoning gives them a chance to argue with our reasoning.” Dropping absolute bombs on us. That’s why I’m subscribed.
“…and not now, is just future now.” Brilliant. I’ll try to keep that one in mind.
I needed this years ago! Thankful you’re able to give practical solutions along with the info of “why” we respond a particular way. 🥰
I don't say "No" to people, I say "No" to sleeping and eating and also, doing my assignments. 😏😏😏
That's relatable. 🧡 Those can be the easier things to say no to, even if it isn't good for us.
@@HowtoADHD yeah, they are easier to be refused. I feel maybe it's because we are afraid of what they might think of you, even if it shouldn't matter
Thx for the reminder I need to eat today
“I’ll get back to you on that”
I won’t. I will immediately forget this conversation ever happened until you bring it up again.
I'm just going to say about the noncommittal excitement, you do have to eventually be clear about your decision. Sometimes people who don't like to say no are never brave enough to be clear and leave people hanging. As an autistic person this gets really hard for me. I really NEED a clear answer.
Hi Jess..I just want to say thank you for making all of us feel happy and safe
uuuuuggghhh... consolation commitment.
yeah
This video helped me think about saying no to my own expectations of what my life should look like right now. Today, I've been re-working my to-do program (I'm a coder, and I'm building a system that helps me stay on top of repeating tasks), and I realized that one of the issues is that I have a million repeating tasks that I'd *like* to do habitually, but that I never actually do. I don't write letters every week, deep clean every Tuesday, do my makeup every morning, or clean my car every month. Having these things on my list can make me feel like I haven't done much, even though I have, because there's so much left.
I am convinced that NO is the hardest word in any language. After an incredible 12.5 years in one job I finally said no and left. Now I have to find my yes.
Great video! I don't personally deal with ADHD but I find myself struggling with these same things. I appreciate your humor and love your content.
-Sarah
I just found this channel and along with the general topic(s) of the channel that I really like, I love how the editing is done. Most things where it's just someone talking, I get too distracted to actually watch it. With the small zoom ins or you going to different sides of the screen, along with the fun informational pictures (and the speed of your voice lol) it's easy to stay engaged in these videos, thanks!
Thank you so much for taking the time to comment! I've passed this along to our production team! 🧡
Also welcome!! :D
@@HowtoADHD haha that brought a smile to my face
@@HowtoADHD... you commenting again because you forgot to say something in the first comment
"That's a future me's problem, but future you is still you -- and not now is just future now" - GENIUS!! I don't know if I have ADHD but I am definitely writing this down to remind my yes-woman self
I found a perverse pleasure in saying no, to people that are obviously trying to use you. What you do, is lift their hopes, and then come down on those hopes like the walls of Jericho.
I say no plenty of times, but to the necessary but I don’t want to face it activities. I don’t say no to the extra RUclips video or learning that extra subject, even though it means I probably won’t eat a proper dinner as I’m stretching my time into those activities not the necessary ones.
That's relatable, honestly.
How ironic is it that in the middle of this video, I had a phone call From a customer about making a last minute cake order (I’m a baker) …. And wouldn’t you know it!… I’m pretty booked up, but I still said yes 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ … I think I need to re-watch the video a few more times 😬
oh MAN was this topical. I finally said no to something actually kind of big last month and the part about maybe having to repeat your no was exactly what happened! I'm glad I was able to step away from that situation.
I have found a great way to deal with people who don't take no for an answer, especially when they are giving unsolicited advice. Instead of repeating myself, I'll say "I'll keep it in mind", or "I'll think about it, or something similar depending on the situation. Very often people just want to feel like they've been heard.
Another great way to not giving an immediate answer is asking when they would like to have a decision. A deadline has always helped me to make things feel more urgent, that way you can actually take time to think about it, but not procrastinate too much.
I seriously had to say no to a coworker last week, and she tried to make the manager punish me for it. A 70 something year old woman had a tantrum and threatened to leave because I was too busy. Unfortunate for her, I am not conflict adverse and getting aggressive with me makes no super easy, so now she can only ask basic questions and get answers because I refuse to put the stress of tantrums and threats on my plate so nothing that takes more than a section of my mind while I am working is available to her. Understanding manager and stubborn streak can be a beneficial combo.
Dont fall into a pit of No either. to prevent many of the situatiosn described, i have gotten into the habit of just saying no to anyhting that anyone aks for. its so reflexive that sometimes i will even say no to thing i have some intrest for fear of ending up back in that situation.
I *love* getting guilt tripped after I say "no" 🙄
That's relatable 🙁🧡
I was staying late at work everyday doing 2 jobs and or studying with my boss for the CPhT exam. Then one day I had no one willing to help me when I couldn’t stay late. I realized what I was doing to myself and I went to my boss and told her I can’t keep not having time for myself and forgetting my medication. She completely understood and now my coworkers constantly try to guilt trip me into “helping” but I stand my ground
"future you is still you. And not now is just future now" Ooof. I felt that.
Good example for me right now: Next week me, my parents and a coach of mine are gonna decide on something I already know I disagree with and I'm already preparing a firm no, no no no no no and possible explanations if they ask why. I know they will absolutely disagree with me so I have to plan this out in advance if I wanna stand my ground firmly. I don't prepare, I fail and I'm forced into something I don't want to be forced in.
A lot of this is easier said than done. Dealing with narcissistic parents makes it almost impossible to get any space or control over your own life.
The thing in the beginnig... Yeah that's me most of the time. I began to just make room for meeting friends and taking walks, even when I'm busy and should be working on something. Because I know I need that time to charge and I won't be any more sufficient regardless. I'll just fill that with lonely scrolling or ruminating. So sometimes I take a figurative broom and sweep my responsibilities off, to make room, even if I don't know where and when I'll make up for it in the future. I don't have a better strategy yet.
"Sure, I'll do that for you, as long as you listen to me play, "Enter the Sandman" on my slightly out of tune banjo!"
Works every time!
I live in a house where my wife and I, along with 3 of our kids are diagnosed with a mix of ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder. We have a whiteboard chart in the entry of our house that lists everyone's name, and allows them to update the size of their "cup" (emotional capacity: small, medium, or large, and how full is that cup today), followed by how many "spoons" they have in their drawer (task capacity: none, some, average, or lots) .
It's been great to help everyone be in touch with our own capacities, as well as notify those around you what your capacity is so that we can foster the mindset that those capacities are worth being respected.
I can't believe how much meds improved my ratio of doing long-term important things to doing impulsive spur-of-the-moment things
One context for saying no that hadn't occurred to me until recently, is saying no to myself! Specifically in terms of rabbit-holing. I can set out to finish writing some code for a client today, but by the end of the day I've started seven new projects ranging from replanting some of my potted plants to completely reorganizing my pantry. And of course I made almost no progress on my client's project. I'm learning to detect when I'm about to go on an unnecessary rabbit hole, and tell myself no. If it's something I truly do care about, I'll jot it down on a list of stuff to consider later.
I NEEEEEEEEDDDDDEEEEEEEED THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSS. I LIIIIITTTTTTERALLY HAVE consistent panic attacks about saying yes too much, and feeling obligated to over explain myself
In order to say no, we have to be able to accept the possibility of catastrophic rejection (divorce, breaking up, family cut-offs, ends to friendships, firings, etc.), especially if the foundation of a relationship is that we always say yes. Total abandonment and rejection can literally endanger survival. Of course, having no boundaries can also endanger survival. Just pointing out that these choices are often horrific, especially for younger, less-well-established people! 😬
I don't have ADHD, but I am a huge people pleaser and find it very difficult to say no. A big game changer for me was to introduce "maybe" as a possile answer. It no longer became an automatic yes or no, but suddenly I had the option of saying, "maybe, let me think about it and get back to you". This gave me time to think the decision through and respond for myself rather than responding what I felt the other person wanted me to say. Also, having time to prepare myself to say no, if that was my final decision, made it easier than saying no in the moment.
I'm here balling my eyes out after watching your TED talk. I'm 25 years old and I've felt terrible about myself for so long. I've had spurts of success and drags of failure. I've felt not enough.... a loser.... I've isolated from multiple friend groups because I don't feel "normal" anymore. I KNOW I'm smart!!! I know I've done important things before! I know i can do whatever I want. But something... SOMETHING keeps holding me back. I've taken to alcohol... before that...risky social behavior with wild recreational drug use.... before that.... just reckless social habits by trying to "impress".... I've had a hard time.... and with your help I now know why. I've just been diagnosed with ADHD. And I can't wait to start making improvements and using medication to help me live the life I wanna live.
I’m 12 years old and I am to my friends the person that will do everything for them and I a, scared of saying no to people in case they are get upset or think I’m rude
This has helped me a lot to realise I need to know when to say no . Especially in arguments it is hard because I want to please everyone but I can’t which just makes me feel more stressed . Thanks for this video it really helped :)
I recently got pulled over for my reg expiring (only by a month). I was so upset because I’ve only had my car for 8 months so it seems too soon to already be expired but it turns out it’s because I transferred my old plates with the old expiration dates. I was so upset, I was crying because they towed it to my house less than a mile away and I had to pay $130 for the tow truck alone, not to mention the ticket. Later someone told me they drove by and saw me crying. How embarrassing!
so many times I am just like “well that’s a problem for future me” and this rlly made me be like “girlie u ARE future you.”
I totally agree with this!
I'm 42 and my wife *HATES* how much I prevaricate - always saying "maybe" or "I'll try", instead of yes or no.
She has OCD and it drives her wild with anger that I won't be pinned down and in place.
However, my time is PRECIOUS.
What may seem important for someone else ISN'T for me.
I try to push back - ask why THEY can't do it if they really want it done.
And if I do take on a task it's on MY TERMS, so it may be very low down on my priorities but I'll get round to it in my own sweet time.
I do do what I agree to do, when it becomes necessary (yeah, probably a bit late) unless I have regular, non-judgemental, reminders.
The more I'm *pushed* to do something that isn't a priority, the more likely I am to brush my hands of it and pass it on to someone else (or send it right back).
There's a very fine line that has to be navigated to successfully make me do something unimportant.
Unless I'm in the mood to do it right yhere and then, in which case it's done so quickly and suddenly that it suprises everyone how quickly I could accomplish it. 🙂
Literally me RIGHT NOW trying to get ready for work with this migraine, thinking about these emails I need to send asap
Oh no! I hope you are able to feel better soon. 🙁🧡
i absolutely love how people pleasing is twice on the list
Over explaining my reasons is a huge issue for me. I feel like I HAVE to give them a reason I’m saying no but then they usually start trying to problem solve (“I can’t go, I don’t have the gas money” - “oh, don’t worry I can pick you up/lend you money”) then I have to figure how to explain that that’s not the only problem or that I don’t want to borrow money, etc. My friend has actually started saying “it’s alright if you want to say no” when asking to talk or do something and that has been so helpful
Add "people pleasing" about 4 more times and you got it spot on.
How many times am I going to cry watching your videos as I come to terms with the fact that I have a condition and not a moral deficiency.
My therapist says “you’re only responsible for what’s on your side of the fence”
I saw "TAXES" pop up at 4:46 and just yelled out "OMG I HAVE TO DO MY TAXES." Stopped everything and started doing them.
I think I became a people pleaser because I struggled to fit in growing up, & still have a hard time making & keeping friends. I got it into my head early on that if I didn’t say “yes” to everything, I’d continue to be an outcast. I finally realized a few years ago that most people who mistreated me probably would have done so no matter what, in which case I should look out for myself. That’s been liberating, but at the same time, I still have to remind myself to create boundaries & stick to them after so many years of being basically a pushover.
My problem growing up was, I say yes, the other guy keeps asking why, call me names etc., and when I seek help, I'm told to do it anyway, as I'm too lazy and having another project will do me good.
Also, I was never "overwhelmed", always "lazy". I still have to remind myself, that most things I was thought was based on outdated ideas on adhd.
I used to get so much anxiety when my manager would just keep giving me things to do throughout the day whenever it occurred to her and I always felt pressured to drop everything and do the new thing. It caused burnout and nothing ever got done. Then one time I was complaining about it to a friend and she suggested throwing it back to the manager - "Ok, so I'm doing X and Y now, would you like me to finish those first, or push them back and start Z now?" That way, she makes the decision and I don't stress about what to prioritize.
heard someone else with adhd describe it as super bad depth perception but with time and that is just my whole life up to now