How Saying "No" Can Change the Way You Live
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- Опубликовано: 9 июн 2024
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It's hard for those of us with ADHD to set healthy boundaries as we often just don't want to be a bother to others. However, it's important to do so for our wellbeing. Let's talk about that!
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"The Show Must Be Go”, “Carefree”, “Life of Riley”, “Bittersweet”
Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)
Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0
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PSA: you can circle back after an impulsive Yes and say "actually, NO".
Consent is something you can take away when your feelings change or the situation changes. The people who care about you will come to value that honesty. And you owe it to yourself. ❤
This.
I practice this with my daughters so they'll learn they can change their minds and have that change their circumstances.
It's sometimes annoying as a mom to change plans in motion or change my actions in a situation, but the lesson that they can advocate for themselves is infinity valuable.
I don't know how to do it. I feel really, really, really guilty about doing it.
@@tinkeramma àaaàaaaa
I often use "I can tentatively say yes... but I need to check my schedule before we pen it in." to buy my brain time to think about the commitment.
This is very helpful. Thank you. It also gauges what reaction you might get from saying no. 🤔
ive only recently used "i really want to say yes But" for the first time
Personally, I would avoid saying "tentatively yes" for the simple reason that it puts a lot of pressure on you to say yes anyway even if the answer should actually be no.
Rather, something more passive may work better, such as a simple "I'll think about it" may work better. A wordier response is "Let me check my schedule, because I'm quite interested if I can go."
This is perfect. I'm going to try this! Thank you 👍
i like to go with "not sure, let me get back to you". if it's something i'm actually interested in, maybe more like "I'd really love to do this but I just need to make sure it doesn't conflict with any existing obligations". for stuff i don't want to do, my strategy is the 'really polite no': "no, but (resources, well-wishes, contact info of someone i hate)". also ppl get 2-3 strikes depending on my mood, then I just block/ghost/ignore. gotta respect your own boundaries.
"if you can't say no, you can't consent"
"If you can't say no, everyone suffers when reality ensues and the things you promised don't happen"
Wow, way to summarize my entire experience with my previous university. "I decided you were going to do this and then it didn't happen, therefore you deserve punishment even though what I demanded was provably impossible". Can't imagine why morale was low...
I'm so glad I'm out of there now. But I grieve for how much I've lost not understanding this sooner.
Oh wow! I've been saying lately " You cannot consent if you are not given a choice," about a different topic. I'm glad someone else is sharing the idea as well in other areas of life because it is so true and yet it blows people's minds to hear it said so cleary and be understood.
This is so important. I always say "I can't trust your yes if you don't protect your no".
I unfortunately only learned to say "no" very late in life (almost mid 30s), but it's amazing how better my life became in a matter of months after it. Like half a dozen toxic "friendships" gone, way more focused in my goals, way more relaxed and happy because I don't have to play cat and rat with manipulative, pushy, disrespectful, passive-aggressive people anymore.
If “almost mid 30s“ is “very late”, then I was “beyond the scope of time”, because I only learned to say “no” at 50.
@@kierenmacmillan4854
I'm 40, and only just realised how important it is, and that it being so difficult for me was a problem that effects many aspects of my life.
Very late= almost mid 30s??? Wait till you live another twice that and go "wow I was so young!"
Mid 30s is totally not late. Many people will start to learn such things much later so do not diminish them pls.
Congratulations on freeing yourself from toxic people, I am rid of a couple of people like you described and it's peaceful.
Last year I asked my boss for less hours this year so I wouldn't feel so overwhelmed, but now she's asking me to go back to my old schedule to help them out cause they can't find anyone to hire. It's super hard, but I'm sticking to what I told her last year, and learning to say no. Hopefully she respects that.
If they can't find anyone to hire then either the job requirements aren't reasonable or the pay is too low. It's their problem, not yours.
stick to that plan. unfortunately I've found that sometimes to explain away my short-comings or inability to meet things I've committed to, I make up stories or lie. Can I suggest that you don't do that with your boss in this instance? Decline politely, reinforce your position calmly and sensibly - explain that having you, on task, some of the time, is better than having you not-always-there, some of the other time you're scheduled.
@@elu9780 lol honestly my thoughts too. Thanks 😅
@@elu9780 true...give them the finger if you have too....
@@gothboschincarnate3931 😂😂😂😂
It's frustrating because the same "friend" invalidates my ADHD and the medication that I'm taking. I've known I have to cut my ties with this person which is a shame because they can't accept me for who I am and can't be.
Thank you for speaking on this very difficult issue.
For me, saying no is a problem because I have a low enough social intelligence that I honestly can't tell when saying know will have consequences or when it will be OK. I've had neurotypical people tell me, "Oh, it's OK if you say no" and then later tell me they think I was being selfish.
If they say it’ll be okay and then call you selfish, then maybe they’re not a very good friend for you. It’s not fair to set someone up like that.
They're being selfish for not allowing you to say no where you want.
On one hand, you may have to say no to different things than others, because you're neurodivergent, and only you can know these things and how to look after your needs and take responsibility for them.
On the other hand, they might have expectations for you, example wishing you to do the things they don't want to do themselves. That's selfish if they think their time is more important than yours.
That's just them trying to manipulate you... The only other thing to consider is if they've done nice things & favors for you and now they need a little help too. Relationship should be balanced in this way where both give to each others.
To be clear, the giving won't be exactly the same, because we each have different talents and skills.
I've also had to learn to say no to big things like letting people borrow my car when I don't need it because, if my car is damaged, I'm ultimately on the hook, and it's too much of a risk for me to take on to make another person's life a little easier.
Saying no, always has consequences. Does not mean you shouldn't say no.
They are just mad because they always got what they wanted, in other words they are upset that you won't allow THEM to be selfish with YOUR time, attention, and effort.
Jessica. Thanks to you I found the courage to fully understand myself. Thank you for educating people about ADHD and neurodiveristy, I went from thinking it wasn't real, to learning that my feelings and experiences are valid. ❤ From the bottom of my heart, thank you.
beautifully put. i feel the same
I had a meltdown at work last week because I could not meet expectations that are unrealistic for a neurotypical person, much less me. I work unpaid overtime almost every shift to get the task load done, and I've tried to limit that to half an hour per shift. If I can't do that one extra thing, I don't start it, but then there's the quiet pushback the next day "why didn't you do (x)?" "Not enough time". "Oh :(" It doesn't seem to occur to anyone that I am trying my hardest, and maybe don't expect me to do other peoples tasks as well as my own. My sense of self worth is tied up in what I can do for other people, so failing to achieve hurts personally, and I almost never say no. This needs to change, but I don't know how to do that.
I have ADHD, and I've so often wanted people to be clear with if they will be disappointed with a No, which has lead me to saying "Do you want to [X]? You don't have to want to, I just wanted to offer~" or some variation. It has helped so much, bc people don't have to scramble for a polite way to say no or an excuse, and gives an easy cue for the "how to exit this social interaction" like "appreciate the offer tho!"
I lost my daughter several years ago. I end up crying at really random times.
I do something similar to what you've described and just say I'm okay that I'm crying. It's helped with the awkward social situations where people feel bad and/or want to help. Especially since in my case, if I'm crying because of grief, I'm remembering my daughter. And that is a beautiful gift someone has given me.
I've always been a people pleaser, probably due to childhood trauma. But then I found out, just last week, at 41, that I have ADHD. I know it will be hard to learn how to stand up for myself by saying no when I need to, but as I continue to figure out who I really am, it will be for the best.
Wow I am exactly the same, people pleaser, never want to upset people. But they can upset me. Childhood trauma too. But I’m much older. The more I look into this, the more I believe I have it. Can I ask how you got tested?
@@paulineparry214 After a year of my symptoms not getting better, my psychiatrist referred me to get a neuropsychological evaluation. They saw features of borderline personality disorder and wanted to confirm. But the findings showed ADHD.
@@acircuscalledmike oh wow thanks for your reply ☺️
Your story is close to mine. Childhood trauma, ADHD diagnosis at 42. Lots of love your way. Hasn’t been easy for me.
I have always been a people pleaser, as well. Of course it was caused by childhood trauma. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at about 43, give or take. Then I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in my mid 50's. Yay, me!! I recently got a new psychiatrist, because my last one moved, and he is great. I have learned a lot about ADHD from him. My younger brother, as well as my son, are ADHD. You would think that I understood it pretty well. I have become much more knowledgeable, with Jessica's help. This young lady is absolutely fantabulous. She breaks it down, and explains it so well. She is such a blessing to this community.
I've been putting off telling my boss that I need to work remotely for a while because my car is trash. I've been saving up for a better one, but don't have enough yet.
I also was putting off the fact that I need to work fewer hours to make time for my masters degree, because being full time while taking even one class is too much.
I was putting both off for MONTHS and finally told him this week!! He was super receptive to both! I'm so glad I finally found the courage to say no! These issues were legitimately ruining my life! But now I'm FREE!!
Kudos to you for finally doing it, glad it worked out for you 🎉
I learned the same lesson last year when I was trying to do school and full time job. Schoolwork suffered so much that I had to take a term break due to overwhelm. I made it last as long as possible and by the end I had decided to switch universities. I needed more structure. The "learn at your own pace" allowed me to procrastinate indefinitely and then the guilt would pile on super heavy. I didn't have the discipline or motivation to be able to do it so I said no.
After switching to a college where there were assignments and due dates, I made sure to only work part time so I had time to dedicate to it. Happy to say I'm doing so much better! Good luck with yours!
I have always had a hard time saying no. As an neurodivergent person I often felt like I would be manipulated and pressured to say yes. Now I stick to my decision, but sometimes the guilt still follows me.
This is sooooo interesting. We need to teach our girls this, neurodivergent or otherwise. Thru not being able to say no, I have gotten into some real difficulties including serious and even life-threatening situations as a youngster and over the decades.
This literally came up right after a conversation w my supervisor that I can't manage some stuff in my role. Not sure how things will turn out but I'm so glad I spoke up. I have CPTSD and have to manage emotional flashbacks sometimes while trying to complete work tasks that cause those flashbacks. Impossible. So...like you said, at some point something has got to give
What are some other job options for you, either within the same company or elsewhere?
Oh god! Why do 99% of your videos I can relate to. No is the kryptonite of adhd/autism
Kryptonite of ADHD/autism, what a great descriptor 🧐 Did you come up with that just now or hear it somewhere before?
@@ma11221 just thought of it. Or maybe heard it somewhere? Sometimes that happens since I have a memory of a goldfish. My long term memory isn’t as but unsure to be completely honest.
Haha sounds about right 😂 cheers
I have come to a point where saying no comes easier because I've come to realize that friends who can't accept your no aren't really friends. The reason I still have trouble saying no is that whenever someone asks me something, my brain immediately goes into problem solving mode and it can take quite a while for me to realize that I don't want to do this particular thing.
This really resonates. I've learned how to say "let me think about it" to a lot of things but still find myself agreeing to stuff I should pass on. I sometimes have trouble figuring out whether I'm just scared and I should say yes, or if it's really something I can't handle. Takes a lot of practice!
This came exactly when I needed it! Saying no to my friends with their MLM 'side jobs' is proving to be a challenge for me. 😕
If it works for you, you could try telling them you'd rather support them as a friend. That could mean staying MLM-free as a safe space to be not working. It could be willingness to help with various tasks or give honest feedback.
It's okay to say you're a friend, not a customer or employee.
I have found out the hard way that by agreeing or allowing myself to be swept along into doing things that I don't think are right for me, I invariably end up failing. This has resulted in being told I'm lazy, don't try hard enough, not serious enough etc I've learned finally that saying no to these kinds of things in the beginning after giving it thought, is actually like self preservation for me. The other person may still be unhappy with me but at least I won't be and that's a lot easier to live with and I feel better about myself. It's not always easy saying no but if you have to, you have to. Thank you for this video.
I wanted to share that I am finally set on meds a few weeks ago, and I am so much happier already. Just knowing that a professional took me serious and feeling this little changes because of the meds, is incredible. Thank you so much Jessica, because I would never have gotten to this point without your videos. ❤
Currently have a fantastic job where my boss is super understanding about saying no and stuff and makes me feel like I can actually call in sick and makes me feel like I don’t have to take more time if I don’t want to. I learned this the hard way back with my first job. Position where I could schedule my own time by covering for others, but I said yes whenever anyone asked me to work and that lead to like 2 weeks of 60-80 hours weeks outside and double booking my time because I didn’t want to say no. The ability to say no in something is something I value more than anything else in life now.
What if you want to say no to yourself? I'm trying to catch up on experiences I missed out on growing up due to my own neurodivergence (i.e. concerts, festivals, or even spending time with close friends in a voice call), but very often the chances to experience these things come when I'm not entirely ready and I end up feeling obligated to go, which reduces the quality of the experience and makes me wonder why I can't tell myself to leave or say no when I'm not feeling up to it. My friends and I are understanding enough that if someone doesn't want to do something, we won't push each other to do it, but in this case the only person pushing me to do something is myself.
🙋🏼♀️ choosing “alone” over feeling it was either change myself or lose myself and ultimately hurt others when I hit the limit.
I stopped teaching in the pandemic and now think I have probably been struggling with undiagnosed ADHD. One of the reasons teaching was so difficult was because I found it hard to say no to people and let them down even though I was always swamped with my own work.
Can you start an after school club? Sure, I can do that...
Then I wondered why my books were never marked on time
I so needed to hear this. I feel bad about quitting my job but I'm being made to do nights and it is killing my executive function outside of work.
Perk of being only 20 and diagnosed (& medicated) since I was 8? I know what’s wrong with me. I’m glad I found this channel about a month or two ago and have binged-watched several handfuls of your AMAZING vids! I relate so much to the content you post; especially when my family means well, but aren’t showing me the respect and emotional support I might need from time to time. I’m glad I found you so that I can teach myself how to better explain myself and my experiences to others when they don’t seem to understand!❤
Thank you so much for having a realistic take on this. Everyone else who talks about this makes it seem like you should be able to get to a place where you can always say no in the moment. I think it’s great that you talked about sometimes needing to take some time to figure it out. It’s so helpful to have realistic advice!
My problem is I like being "The guy". The guy who does anything and everything better than anyone else. I'm there when you arrive and after you leave. If it can be done I want to do it. I'll grind it down to a fine art and perform the jobs of many as one. I'm a horrible person because of this. Every place I've left, has faced extreme hardships because of my departure. It's not fair on employers or the people still there to pick up the slack. It's also not fair on me, I've sacrificed so much because I couldn't get out of the mind set needed to give up everything. It's a bizarre situation where, while I feel good and it may sound and look good. Nothing good comes from it besides a company saving a few quid. I'm not here to save a conglomerate a few quid, I'm here to have fun. I wish I understood this earlier. But it's the mistakes we make that teach us the greatest of lessons. Not going to lie though, I miss the respect.
Is it a problem because you're making yourself invaluable, and you're doing too much, or is it a problem because you're making yourself invaluable, and leaving? Do you need to change the way you share responsibility in a team, or do you need to be the leader? The leader never leaves without a precessor.
Wow, this reads like it was me writing it. I was very much the same until my health gave out.
@@NathanNostaw It catches up with you. How have you coped with leaving it or adapting to new environments, not gonna lie, I'm struggling.
Thanks for sharing. Sounds like my Mom. It doesn't automatically make you a horrible person, in fact if you're anything like her, I'm sure you're wonderfully loving. Keep on loving yourself and your experience will keep getting better! ❤️
People pleasing can be such a hurdle in itself to ever saying no. Thanks for covering this important topic!
Now I am starting to see why I don’t have friendships; I can barely be a mom & employee. For 21 yrs I was SAHM to 4 daughters. I did too much for “friends” & got nothing in return. I was taken advantage of “because you don’t work you can pick up my sick kid from school for free, or make me a dinner” or x,y, z. I gave up. Diagnosed at 44 with ADHD & I am certain I have ASD too. Been in anxiety meds since age 16. Thank you for making this video. I am enough for me & God and my family. That is enough.
Same happened to me, trying to please everyone, cause I wasn't enough, I wasn't a 'normal' person and everything on me was a mess, until I found out that I had ADHD. Now I'm learning to say no, I'm more free, and happy. Sorry my English.
YES - I was asked THIS WEEK to take on a heavier workload at my job- and as much as I wanted to say yes to fit into the stencil, I felt more anxiety imagining the cost and damage that it would have on me. Saying no (for one of the first times) was SO hard- but SO worth it- I am worth more than the work I have already challenged myself to produce.
I appreciate the cathartic feel of this vid. I imagine there’s a indiscernible amount of pressure to be as performative and prescriptive as possible as a content creator today, let alone for a channel with such a pertinent focus. Much respect and big thanks for the humble coaching you’re providing
Learned lessons about saying no too late in my last job. New management after many years of a more supportive employer who understood my process. I was set up to say yes to an unrealistic project schedule and they used me missing milestones to fire me. The bright side was I realized I was being exploited and had made plans to quit and retire, and was fired the day after I announced my plans to my family. Struggled a bit in retirement, which led me to a diagnosis and feeling much better about my life now.
Hi Jessica. I've just stumbled onto your channel and in one day you've made my life infinitely clearer. I always thought (and was constantly told) that I'm just lazy. Being "gifted" and doing fairly well at school made this worse because I was told constantly that I was ruining my potential. Every day has been a struggle. I hyperfocus for hours and hours daily and barely sleep, I'm critically disorganised, switch interests frequently and spend so much money on stuff I think I'm interested in which I then abandon the second the new thing comes up. I always thought I was a mess and get really distressed because everyone else found "simple" things so easy. There's so many projects and things I wanted to do that I either didn't start or abandoned 2 days in. Quite frankly it's been ruining my life and I never had an answer as to what was happening.
Until now! I was diagnosed with asbergers as a kid but I never identified with any of the symptoms as an adult but I've strongly identified with every video of yours that I've watched. Reading though comments and seeing that other people have shared experiences is one of the most liberating things I've ever experienced. I'm going to get diagnosed next week and I think from the results of a few screenings I've done what the results are going to be! Thank you so so much. Learning this has given me hope for the future when things were starting to look really bleak.
Youre fantastic for what you do! Much love! ❤️
"The truth is, sometimes by doing what they want you to do to when it comes at the expense of you being able to be who you are leaves you alone because in that case you are only being accepted for this version of yourself that you are not." (@ 4:20) Dang. I needed to replay that one a couple times. Thanks for talking about this. ♥
People that punish you for not saying yes, are manipulating you, are not the kind of relationships you want, and and are not your friends.
Oh I’m so happy I have found this community. I have always been a “yes” person and have just been diagnosed at the age of 65, but still can’t believe I have it. So much here is starting to ring true. …So overwhelmed right now.
Whoa. You just articulated my whole life way better than I ever have. The stencil metaphor is brilliant.
7.04 "I'm afraid of retaliation, I'm afraid of the reaction... I'm afraid of them punishing me..." That's trauma response (as is people pleasing). ❤
There's so much power in saying no! I've never been a people pleaser. Sure, it doesn't make me popular, but it keeps me sane and safe.
It turned out I really needed this ❤ Thanks so much Jessica.
Sad to say I don’t do well with relationships because of saying no and feeling overwhelmed with my emotions and how to properly act upon them without getting mad.
Oh dang. This hit home HARD. Thank you for talking about this, it’s something I needed to hear and I’m sure there are others that needed to hear it too.
Fitting into your job and taking care of self absolutely needs being able to say no if it needs to be a long term thing.
For me, I am currently working on understanding what I can and can't do because sometimes I think I can do something because I think I "should" be able to do it (even if I've never successfully done it in the past) and so I agree to things that I can't possibly do. So for me rn the key is thinking it through and being like, no, I'm not going to be able do this.
Learning to say no is one the most difficult, powerful and essential thing to learn ❤
Thanks for this video ❤️
Finally got diagnosed for ADHD at 22 after watching a bunch of your videos and realizing how much I relate. So thank you!
Divine timing! Thank you! I am going through this job that i got because i said yes to everything and now im facing burn out. It feels like im peering over a cliff. A month long vacation from work sounds AMAZING but… bills don’t allow.
It was hard at first to tell people no, but over time it has gotten a little bit easier. Have I lost friends, sadly yes, but in the end it's worked out in my benefit because I'm no longer stressed out and having less anxiety.
Thanks! I find your videos helpful. You have a wonderful repertoire of ideas and knowledge for our kind. Please also thank your production team. I’m sure their support allows you to bring us your best. 🙂
Awwww you're welcome! And thank you so much for your kind words! Definitely couldn't do as much as we are without the team, I'll definitely pass it on. 😊 And thank you for the support, too! It means a lot to us 🧡
I feel like I often don't know (or feel) what's not for me or what I find important. And other people sound so logical or otherwise convincing so I get confused in the moment. It does help to let things sit with me for a while.
"If I can't refuse, I can't consent," is such an important concept for every type of person in every type of situation. It should really be more normalized.
Oh thank goodness you uploaded today. Life’s been so hard and I’ve been drawing on your videos for motivation and validation.
I also love your hoodie, Jess!
I suffer from CRPS and am in pain everywhere always. This and many of your videos apply to me and are starting to help me appreciate and work on me. Thank you for being you and doing what you do!
I often wasn't allowed to say no as a kid, I didn't really learn about that until my late thirties and I'm still trying to understand it.
Thank you for this, it's so validating. So many times I've taken on projects or roles and I was completely in over my head... Especially when the hyperfocus/dopamine supply wears off.
You hit the nail on the head when you equated hesitation of saying no with fear. Being able to say no comes back to the confidence and security of being able to say no. I practiced a risk assessment model to be able to say Yes or No with clarity. Being able to conquer internal fears and come up with action plans has a big impact on decisiveness and subsequently, self-confidence, in my opinion.
It took me a little while to process my emotions on this one, since I’ve been trying to make changes at work, and I just got put again in an impossible position that I’ve been put in many times. I see a lot of comments here about people pleasing and feeling guilty saying no, and that is absolutely a thing, including for me. But I want to emphasize that some of the problem can be other people not taking no for an answer, and if we focus too much on our own culpability, we make it easier for those people to take advantage of us. Sometimes, especially with jobs, saying no just doesn’t take, and if one is in a situation, either at work or in a relationship, where the only way to make it stick is to walk away permanently - that may be necessary, but it’s a big thing with implications, so it’s important to recognize that we are being forced to make a hard decision by someone else’s actions.
I've always done things my own way. I struggle to make connections, but also struggle to be comfortable when I make connections. Not comfortable with going my own path, nor someone else's.
A very important skill for anyone. Saying No
Let's agree half of us don't have ADHD we just love her videos... 😊
I like to just ignore my “adhd”/ hyper active mind and avoid watching these vids but when I do, the situations you talk about are spot on. This helped me and I’m going to work on it. It’s caused many unnecessary problems in my life due to fear of being disliked.
Thank you girl 🙏
Thank you for this video and your entire channel honestly. I have struggled with this kind of thing for almost my entire life. I constantly felt I had to do everything to the benefit of other people with no breaks given to myself. I constantly went out of my way to help other people even if I fully didn't understand what was going on. It resulted in me seeing that I needed to do everything for everyone else. Sadly, there were multiple occasions in my past friendships of stepping over bounds I didn't know were there and making things worse for them. Even for things where I suspected I was overstepping, I bullied myself into doing due to worrying about their wellbeing to the point of having panic attacks about being the cause of everything going wrong and I had to do something to help but nothing worked. Those previous friends had cut me off entirely from talking with them and it was mortifying for me who felt like I just wanted to help but too wrapped up to se what I was doing. After learning I had Autism and ADHD, I found resources like your channel and learned about how my brain worked and recognizing my tendencies to set up clearer boundaries in my friendships. I can better realize when to step back from situations where I am unsure or unable to do certain things and especially make sure that others are okay with it.
I needed this. Thank you. ❤ Currently actively having a panic attack about this and resisting the urge to send this to my partner.
I’m almost 49 and I was just diagnosed last week. Menopause brought so much to the surface. I still don’t know how to say no. People pleasing is an extreme sport. Life is changing and I know it’s only going to get better from now onwards, but how do I stop feeling guilty for saying no.
I'm trying to learn to say no, but my impulses jump in before I realise it. I feel like learning to say no and take the time to think about things takes a while.
I'm in the most challenging stretch my life has ever known by far because something I am willing to die for generated a WHOLE LOT more momentum than I ever thought it could. Now I've committed to stepping up and leading. Aaaaannnnnndddd...I have no idea how to say no. I really should practice.
hey jessica! you made me feel less alone in my adhd and your videos led me to accept the help i needed. would you be able to make a video on the adderall shortage and how to cope with that? every pharmacy now also has other meds on back order since everyone is trying to switch
I think there should be a third box on every RSVP that reads, "Hopefully" or "I will try but no promises". I say no to a lot of commitments because I'm afraid I'll have to back out of them later if ADHD/chronic pain/lack of money strikes. OR I procrastinate RSVP'ing until the last minute because I need time to decide whether I can go, and that reluctance to commit can cause hurt feelings or at least annoyance.
This is probably the video of yours that has hit most close to home for me. Thank you ❤
this video made me cry i feel so seen and understood and thank you for this advice truly. i always need this gentle reminder
Great video, BUT was anyone else really distracted by the stopped clock??? EVERY time it showed the hands I had to check if it had moved a hand!!!! :) Say NO to stopped clocks in video backgrounds!!!! lol
Thank you so much Jessica!!!!
THANK YOU JESS. I REALLY NEEDED THIS RIGHT NOW. IM IN THE PROCESS OF EXPLAINING TO THE PEOPLE AROUND ME THAT I HAVE THE RIGHT TO MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS REGARDING MY FUTURE EVEN IF IT ISNT DONE TO NEUROTYPICAL STANDARDS OR THEY THINK THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS THAT BETTER SUIT THE PEOPLE AROUND ME.... ULTIMATELY ITS STILL MY CHOICE TO LIVE MY LIFE HOW I WANT AND NO ONE CAN CHANGE THAT AND THIS ENCOURAGED ME TO CONTINUE FIGHTING THE WAY I HAVE BEEN. ITS OKAY TO SAY NO TO ABUSIVE PEOPLE. ITS OKAY TO SAY NO TO ANYONE WHO DOES'NT UNDERSTAND YOUR NEUROLOGICAL DIFFERENCES... BECAUSE I KNOW HOW MY BRAIN WORKS, AND THEY DO NOT...
IM SO GREATFUL THAT IN MANITOBA WE HAVE THE VPA. IT IS A LAW ORGANIZED IN 1996 IN ORDER TO STOP UNNECESSARY CYCLES OF ABUSE AND CONTROL IN NEURODIVERGENT AND MENTALLY DISABLED PEOPLE. I LITERALLY CAN'T GRASP THAT THE PEOPLE IN MY WORLD THINK THAT THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIGHT THIS LAW. I WANT THEM JAILED FOR IT.
7:14 - you took the words right out of my mouth! Being afraid of the consequences of standing up for myself, having boundaries and saying no is tough. I have just started doing this but it gives me so much anxiety. It feels so uncomfortable to call someone out when they upset you or you decline something and they have a negative response, but it's also so important and I can already tell it's better for my soul for standing my ground and listening to my gut.
Jessica, I wanted to say 'Thank you'.
When I watch your channel sometimes you remind me of something I have previously learned and just haven't thought about for a while (I did a counselling course and a few different efficacy classes), and others, most if the time, you offer tips and thoughts that help me. Thank you.
I hope you find your balance and if you find more insight that you can share it.
I am reconnecting with an old friend right now and I'm scared I'm going to slip into old unhealthy patterns and this was a timely reminder to set healthy boundaries.
Thanks.
Thanks! I needed that.
Actually, this was one of the best videos I've seen on this channel. Felt very authentic and is definitely relevant to me right now as I just canceled a client today due to a pain condition
I'm going on Wednesday to see if I get a diagnosis after binging this channel and doing extra research. There are an amazing amount of symptoms that fit the bill.
Thank you for the valuable information and guidance. Whatever the result will be, I'm not sure what to do after. I feel like the day to day outcomes and accomplishments still matter to others more than the difficulties we might be dealing with and I still feel like I'm looking for a scapegoat, but having a clearer perspective might bring more kindness towards myself going forward and might alleviate the shame.
There're a lot of feelings I have to process. I know I can't take meds because of some medical history but a more direct involvement from someone who can guide me could bring me some peace.
Thank you again for your efforts.
Thank you for this!
Earlier like 15 minutes after this video uploaded and I saw it on my home page on my phone, I watched it but also while watching went to check the How to ADHD channel video's list to not see it there in the listing(?) but checking now it's there both on my phone and PC. Mentioning in case there was a hiccup or error on RUclips's end. Thanks for the video! & Have a good day. : )
Well this video is the only good thing of the last two weeks, and comes at a perfect time for me. Many thanks!
I weep sometimes when I listen to your vids. So many emotions.
Digging the new set, as always, the content is on point.
At my work I help everybody. I do it just because I like to do it, but sometimes I think that they use me because they know I’m not gonna say no to helping them, and I don’t mind it. But it sometimes annoying me I wish I could just say no once in a while but my anxiety tells me that if I’m not helping just because, even tho there other people there, then they probably going to hate me. and I believe this lie, also when I help them I make sure that I help them as much as possible I also have this thing that if one of my friends is not feeling right for example like he’s crying or depressed then I’m putting so much effort from my life towards their problem because I don’t want them to be sad and I wanna help as much as possible to everybody even if they don’t ask me. I just do it because I wanna be a good person and being A good person is awesome because the karma plays, you never know, you do something good for one person next day somebody’s going to help you but I don’t think saying no is that of an issue for me Yes sometimes I wish I could say no but still I’m trying to be the best person ever not because I’m a narcissist, because I have so much loneliness and I’m struggling socially so whenever I can at least put a smile on somebody’s face specially because I’ve been depressed for so long then I’m gonna make sure that it works I’m gonna make sure the person I care about receives the best friendship ever.. and. Again not asking for anything in return
DEAR GODS I NEEDED THIS VIDEO!!!! THANK YOUS SO MUCH 🥲🥲🥲
I really needed this today.
I love this video. I still struggle to say no, but I'm getting better. Thank you for your content!!
Great video have a hard time saying no to people and a really hard time saying no to myself. There's just this never-ending stream of wanting to try literally anything that catches my attention and it can be pretty self-destructive sometimes.
WELL, I definitely started crying out of nowhere within the first minute. I've really been struggling with imposter syndrome at my new job (in a bank), and also just overall been letting rumination get the best of me. I don't think I've ever felt more like I can't fit that stencil; not even remotely close. It's hard, but this video is really something that I needed.
I'm currently learning to say no and also learning how to advocate for myself ... Others think if I'm trying to ask for accommodations I'm just looking for the easy way out so I don't want others to think less of me 😢
My favourite is "let me check my calendar/ schedule first," especially since I try to establish my calendar as being important. And my reassurance of, 'I'm 100% committed to doing this and will not forget.' I've put it in my calendar.
Edit: side note Sunsama is actually adhd friendly for their trial method, it looks really interesting to use.
saying yes too much has given me a huge fear of commitment and most of the time I do say yes my anxiety goes through the roof and lots of times I won't say yes or no because they are both scary!
Thank you for making videos 😊
People demanding more from me than I can afford was a fixture of my life for so long. Unlearning it had been a long and painful process. I still have their selfish thoughts stealing my direction in my daily life. Meds help but it sucks when other people sabotage your inner voice.
Needed to hear this badly!
I've found the words "I want to" help me say no in the moment. Tells the person that I'm saying no because of something with me but not for a lack of interest or a desire to be helpful.
If I need help to do the thing, then "I want to" opens up that door too.
I can relate with everyword you said. Thank you so much❤
I have always felt so so guilty saying no. I need to learn to love myself.