How to overcome your husband's pornography addiction (even if HE never does!)
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- Опубликовано: 15 сен 2021
- As a certified life coach and the wife of a former porn addict, I have learned that it is completely within my power to overcome the thoughts and feelings I had as a result of my husband's pornography addiction. And in this video, I'm going to show you how that's possible. This is the best news ever because you no longer have to wait for your husband to change his behavior in order for you to feel better and heal. Your healing is independent of his actions. Learn more by checking out my podcast "The Porn Addict's Wife" and heading to my website www.jolenewinn.com.
I don’t agree with anything that she is saying. My soul is crushed because of his addiction. Period.
how long have yall been married? and what kind of actions or behaviors are you noticing from him or lack of?
I know right, and when naked girls pop up all the time on computer,
@@kaelanpatel4938 we’ve been married for 22 years, I only learned of the extent of this just under a year ago. I knew he had seen porn, just not that he had continued to view it after our relationship began. The behaviors are most likely related to the deception necessary and the betrayal of marital vow’s, which in effect eliminates marital intimacy.
@@kaelanpatel4938 we’ve been married for 22 years, I only learned of the extent of this just under a year ago. I knew he had seen porn, just not that he had continued to view it after our relationship began. The behaviors are most likely related to the deception necessary and the betrayal of marital vow’s, which in effect eliminates marital intimacy.
@@sarahalderman3126 I'm so sorry to hear that. Do what you feel is right in your heart and that is necessary whatever that looks like to you. I am praying for you
Come all to me after you've lived with your spouse having a porn addiction for almost 25 years. And whom has made you do things all cause he sees it in porn. Women need to stand up against this. Either your man/woman loves you or loves the porn more.
😭😭💗 These abusers entitled choices cause so much destruction 😭
I'd take the porn all day then because it doesn't have an attitude and I can turn it off when I'm done with it.
I really don’t understand how you can separate when he’s rejecting you for his addiction it does hurt both people period
So if someone randomly assaulted you, does that mean the person could be like "Remember, if you get angry, feel scared, or distrust me, it's because your thoughts CAUSED you to feel that way. We are in separate lanes. It's not my fault you feel these things."... ?? 😳
No, because pain, fear, trauma, etc are autonomic. Even distrust can be autonomic. If someone chooses to not be trustworthy, then distrusting them is a natural healthy response.
Trying to heal and be safe when someone is actively abusing you is like a soldier trying to heal while still in the battlefield being shot at with explosions all around. Again, the fear from being unsafe is autonomic. TRAUMA is autonomic.
Look, I do get what you're trying to say though, I used to say all of this stuff too, but it's not practical or efficient advice when there's abuse present, and this advice can be dangerous for abuse victims (and even more dangerous if the abuser hears it). And since polls from betrayed abuse victims show that 99% have experienced abuse from their sex addict partner, abuse victims are the majority of your audience.
When someone abuses you, cheats on you, lies to you, gaslights you, and overall puts you and your kids lives in danger, and you feel like hurt, scared, insecure, distrust, etc. afterward, it's the abusers fault. The abusers choices caused it. Not the victims "thoughts". And when working with victims it's crucial that our language doesn't indirectly blame victims or mitigate perpetrator responsibility.
Plus, I've known some of the healthiest, confident, and self loving women, yet they still "bled" when their partners betrayed them. The last thing victims need is to also feel guilty and blame themselves the next time they feel like crap after their husband cheats on them.😢
Feeling hurt after the person you love chooses to lie, cheat, and abuse you IS a normal healthy human response. It's evidence that you are a loving human being who cares 💗🤗
Yes! What you said exactly!
OMG! You should be a coach!
I cant tell you the amount of betrayal I've faced in my 13 year marriage. I would do anything for porn to have never existed. Our biggest issue is that he's never seen anything wrong with it. Therefore even when he said he stopped I know there is no way he will ever stop while he sees nothing wrong with his actions.
You don't satisfy him , give him bums and head everyday
I’m in the same boat
Yup
He sounds like he is lost in the fantasy - well if there is nothing wrong with it - then have a continuous conversation about it with the goal of trying to separate the fantasy from the reality of porn
There are men who when confronted with the pain, anguish, confusion and betrayal from their lover because of their compulsive addiction choose to STOP! It takes both sides to work through it. There must be a plan he can be held accountable to. If you love him, please try to work with him to overcome this affliction.
Lived with a man for 30 years who had a porn addiction.
I am now in a divorce.
Pornaddiction DOES NOT GO AWAY!!
He had 4 years of therapy
And what you say...i do not agree.
This is beyond not true. She is not placing the blame on the perpetrator and is victim blaming. Saying that a betrayed abused woman is hurt because of her own thoughts that are her fault is disturbing. Beyond disturbing.
I agree 😢
I agree with most everyone here, this video and it’s nonsense bs is not just stupid, it’s dangerous.
I do believe we have to focus on ourselves but porn causes all the same intimacy problems that cheating does.
Pure nonsense. You can heal even though your husband is beating off and lusting over other women. Just take of yourself even though your husband continually lies, disrespects, and deceives you. Um no… he needs to get help or face the consequences.
This video is stupid and unhelpful. His actions cause other lack of actions. And a personality shift as well as attitude. Porn has always been a thing but it's out of control now because of ease of access. If you can't even talk about it with your spouse without them getting angry and starting an actual fued with each other it's a HUGE problem. And yes it's their problem, and like any other addiction they will not get over it if they do not want to. Addictions are hard enough to get over when you actually want to. So when they don't try because they clearly don't want to and they stop talking, caring, and don't want to show an understanding even though THEY KNOW. It hurts. Who does the side talk to? It's embarrassing. "Hey my husband is just so into porn he cannot go even a few hours without it. He doesn't want to get intimate with me. And is willing to get fired to keep it in his sights constantly." Can't even find articles to help the spouse that has to deal with it. Porn addiction is a joke to people who don't know and they're spouses are just "controlling" because everyone watches porn. And that's the end of that. Incredibly heartbreaking and frustrating. How alone can a person get with what's destroying them from the inside...
As someone who struggles with porn, this is BS. You are right to demand more from your husband and to be affected by it. That's natural. Porn is so insidious and evil.
You don't ever accept that behavior
Sounds like she's disassociating so she doesn't feel the pain of his addiction.
Yep.
My boyfriend of over a year once told me that he "could go month's without sex but not a week without porn". Not sure when he finds the time to work in viewing porn, but just recently he told me that "its your fault i feel weird watching it now". Which is just a super shitty selfish way of putting things. Its always some excuse for him: his neck hurts, his back hurts, hes tired, etc etc. I took his not so subtle hints to start working out, especially when i made the choice to work out. I'll throw on lingerie.
Idfk. But i can wager good money that if our dudes caught us pleasuring ourselves to hot guys in porn, they would start to think "hmmmm maybe this isnt that good?"
Dont settle, ladies. Even if you married the dude he can always change his ways if youre brave enough to challenge his perceptions
Our healing is separate and our job, yes. But are you implying that he doesn’t need to take responsibility for the hurt he causes with his addiction? This is super over-simplified and, regardless of whether or not your intention- you’re making it sound like it’s okay for a partner to continue doing things that hurt the other because he’s in his lane and I’m in mine? The basis of her advice is the most basic obvious thing I’ve ever heard and offered ZERO actual help for the victims in these situations.
Does this count if you’re partner didn’t come to you? Lied time and time again about massage parlours etc? My husband lies and gives half truths when I catch him out.. thats what hurts me most.
It happens. I'm a man. Please support him in his attempts to stop it. Porn is very powerful.
yes that is bad .....but you can try this ....offer him se× when he feels the urge ...it helped me and my partner ...
can you tell him that it is hurting you
My husband has e.d.
Same
Ladies, have a talk with your partner about porn BEFORE getting married.
Its okay to learn how to be self sufficient without having to live with a spouse who gave his wedding vows, then abandoned them many times.
If you're already married, I am so sorry for the betrayal. Its unfair to be faithful, when the other is routinely not.
It's okay to say "I am enough for me" and leave the marriage. I wish someone had told me that years ago.
Most men won’t come to the partner - my husband does not want help - he has intimacy anorexia now and I’m getting help because he does reject me - he’s always saying I’m not good enough if my hair is up you should wear it down, I’ve lost 30lbs and instead of him saying you look good he’s like now work out and firm everything up
I look at what he searches and it’s all tiny and teen and nothing that compares to me
Damn, That only thing I can say is that sucks FR. Porn is one of the worst things to ever exist. A lot of young men (early 20s) are now taking viagra because they can get it up without porn. You literately lose a part of your soul when you watch that stuff. Just remember to focus on improving yourself even if he doesn’t want to change. Don’t let him hold you back. You lose 30lbs, thats really great. Don’t get discouraged
Sounds like he can't get it up for a real woman, any real woman, not just you. He's probably crippled himself sexually with porn. He's drowning his brain in dopamine, he's crippling his brain. Porn addicts are dopamine junkies.
Sounds like he's a molester. You can't change the hand of time. You can sure change your future and get someone who values you. Watching porn is one thing but being mean is a whole other ball game.
Have you sought help and looked at healing from narcissutiv abuse. If he is malignant overt covert or cerebral and why he is so hurtful to you, the deep damage within he hides, that requires your awareness, not empathy x
@@RISSAtube I am getting help now
Took me 15 years to figure this out! It has nothing to do with us. ❤ Much love to all that are struggling.
I disagree, it does have something to do with us because it deeply affects us and the man doing porn who says it doesn’t affect him or his wife is a liar and just wants to keep on doing it. Give him an ultimatum. This is what we don’t do because we have kids together and we want to keep the family together. I did that, bad decision. They want to do porn and keep you at the same time. This is destroying women. Me too. Satan is destroying men with porn and women. God wants love and faithfulness and doing what is good and right. Seek God. He is all good and no evil. I love you all women hurting, I know how you feel. It’s heartbreaking devastating and miserable. Me too. But I know God is good and He is Love and He loves you and would never hurt you. God doesn’t do evil.
Don’t bother. Lock
Down your bank account, std tested and RUN!!!!!!!!
No. I think he knows I was already hurt and insecure. I never think he made me this way. I think instead of him helping me he's harming me worse.
Lmfaoo.. so his addiction CAUSED you to feel all of these emotions.. but yet somehow those emotions have nothing to do w him..? Tell me your whipped w out telling me your whipped
People don’t cause others’ emotions. People choose how they respond.
Yes, people choose how they respond. But that does not take away from the fact that someone’s actions can cause a person to feel different emotions..
People choose how to respond, but they do not always choose their emotions.
Trauma, fear, pain, etc are all autonomic responses. This is based on brain science. No one wakes up one day and is like "My husband is cheating on me and abusing me again, you know what I want to do today? I'm gonna feel like shit and distrust my husband and then live in fear. I LOVE feeling like shit, YAY 😍🥴😵💫".
No one.
1 TIMOTHY 3:4
He must manage his
own family well and see
that his children obey
him, and he must do so
in a manner worthy of
tull respect.
What if porn is interfering with your sex life? I agree with you but if he chooses porn over you how do you change that
Thanks for preparing this material. It´s helpful!
I am better then my husband, he got the problem.. to bad for him lol
Take things positively .
Why doesn't anybody address how the woman in porn are sometimes trafficked and what about the studies involving grey mass and the brain? Also, Getting off on people who have been molested or assaulted and haven't realized that they are worth more than their sexual being is just weird .
How do you overcome the lies and munipulations he uses
Sorry your hurting 💜 my husband too, lies and denial and your imagining it. It is traumatic. I see by reading these comments that women need to reach out to each other for support. So we’re not alone in it. Porn is ruining us all. Seek your Father in Heaven. He knows that evil is out to destroy us.
munipulations?
@larrycarter3765 Thank you so much, Larry, for schooling me.
This video is the biggest lye I've ever heard. I've been through it and done 5years of research...
The feelings are the body's NATURAL GOD GIVEN RESPONSE to this ABUSE- Telling us to DO SOMETHING. This is classic 12 step lane crap. When you are married, you are in THE SAME CAR, not seperate lanes.
This is bypassing, not healing.
I agree.
Ladies who care and dont want to lose the relationship will try to fix it. Its just in our female nature. But dudes who dont want to be fixed? They see nothing wrong with it.
Porn abusers enact horrific emotional, psychological, and even financial abuse on their wives and families. The porn addict is uncoupled from ethics, values, honesty, turns away from true intimacy, appreciation, and emotional resilience. Also, the porn addict is financing and supporting a highly exploitative industry. Not to mention porn addictions can often escalate into the real world. None of this has anything to do with staying in one's lane. What you are describing above is rug sweeping and minimization of abused and victimized wives. This is not ok. You overcome your husband's addiction by leaving him and saving yourself if he does not go into full recovery.
After all these years I think your so right. It is horrific how us wives stay because we have a family and kids. We just want our husbands to love us and we stay so they keep their addiction and don’t have to really change. It’s like we are enabling them and they have our lives in the palm of their hand because we just want them to stop and love us. Porn is wicked evil and from hell, it’s against love and only seeks sex and selfishness. It’s ruining our lives.
Your view is okey, but I would like what would be good for my partner too..., quitting would improve his quality of life as well as mine.
I have to disagree too. Mine didn’t tell me mine became emotionally unavailable to me. Sex life suffered. He was done before I started. He lied to me and has cheated on me and when I found out about his porn addiction he told me “if you did it more often I wouldn’t have to find it elsewhere. So yeah there’s that
If you haven't already, you should really watch "How Porn is Destroying You and Your Country" by John Doyle. It's filled with facts and inarguable points. I really hope you check it out.
he has demons of lust, it’s not your fault, they came in when he was younger and came across porn, I wish I wouldn’t have been so dumb and in love and gotten married so fast. I should have taken the time to know him and then said, no I’m not living with that.
This is nonsense. We had an amazing relationship before his porn watching got out of control.
His actions effected my feeling. So ladies, don't believe a word.
My thoughts , is FEAR, and the fear creates the feelings, fear of the viewing of porn turns into following people on face book to joining dating sites, to chatting that forms a emotional affair that leads to a physical affair, that leads to being scammed of all our money and savings , that leads to bills not being paid that leads to house payments not being paid, that leads to being homeless , divorced and alone, , , so now I understand in myself why I have a problem with him watching porn, is because of fear, how to work through this emotion and Eliminate the fear,
Look up Dr. Trish Leigh. She's amazing and gives great insights into porn addiction
True
How should I overcome my wifes sex toys?
I don't know bro, tell the shop she buys from to make them extremely expensive.... For her
Needing sex toys instead of real sex makes a person a sexual cripple. She's addicted to masturbation. Self soothing. It eats up sexuality. Kills libido. I bet she thinks she's very sexy, it's the furthest thing from the truth.
they will desensitize her eventually - will continued conversation help
My ex would purposely withhold sex...sex can be a manipulation weapon...sorry I'm gonna get my needs met one way or another. Life is too short to not be satisfied. A reasonable amount of intimacy is not too much to ask.
I think it ticked him off more that he couldn't control me. Tried to technically make me beg for it. That's why he's the ex.
Maybe figure out the reasoning or motivations of the sex toy use.
If you can't beat em...join them.
If it triggers some sense of inadequacy on your part, try and overcome that.
If toys are used to avoid sex with you, then change partners, then it's just not a match.
Was she doing this from the beginning of your relationship? Have you been watching lien and masterbating the entire time also? Sometimes women withdrawal because they are being rejected from you intimately due to porn use.
I need help with greif after my husband's sudden death and he wasn't with me he was at work and had just been sexual with a prostitute. She was last to see him alive. I never got to say goodbye and now I have all these mixed feeling and greif. Help
greif?
Do you want to talk about it?
Live your best life hell he did. I couldn't image all the feelings your experiencing.
Same happened to me, just remember he betrayed u, thank goodness that u found out, because if u were not aware of what he was doing behind ur back, it would be so much more painful...I was grieving 2 weeks I was terribly upset ,then his friend told me what had been going on behind my back, and it was like a switch had flipped I was OK, u just have to remember u might not never have know, u didn't need to say goodbye, not many people do in this life..But he could not have truly loved you, don't make excuses for him...what he did was wrong..I'm sorry for ur loss, but he did u wrong...
Cry out to God He is there. You didn’t do anything wrong. Find someone to love and go find love, whether in family, friends, children. God is Love. He truly loves you. PRAY and tell God all your heart and ask Him for Help.
No offense but if a man needs porn so much then you aren’t doing it for him. Just leave him. Don’t be so dependent on men. Guess what, everyone is replaceable male or female.
Who butchered her?
I've been addicted for decades, I stop for a while, then start again. Have hurt my wife for decades with this addiction... I believe I have finally kicked it.
The damage has already been done to her for too long. You need to really change and make it right.
This is NOT a good video!!! I agree with taking control of yourself however you cannot just act like nothing is happening there!!!!
Making no sense at all. Backward AF. Actions speak louder than words. If he is looking at other women, he is over you ladies.
We’re not animals with animal instincts. We are humans with a will and with a mind we can choose, we have self control, we can seek help.
So wrong 😢
Best advice leave him,he broke
He's only been dead 16 days
The source of women’s problems with their partners’ porn addictions is their own insecurities. Porn is completely separate from desire towards wives. Desire for porn has NOTHING to do with desire for intimacy from wives.
Yes it's true that a husbands porn viewing isn't because of the wife, but that doesn't negate the fact he's still CHOOSING to cheat on her (with porn or in person), lie to her, gaslight her, and abuse her. He KNOWS what he's doing is wrong (which is why he lied), yet he's entitled and is selfishly choosing to do it anyway. THAT is the source of womens pain.
It has everything to do with marital intimacy, it destroys it and prevents it. This is because it is a violation of the marital vow.
Till they can't keep it up without porn when there's a woman right in front of their face
If men’s desire for porn is separate from their desire for their wives, why do they want wives to being with? I’m genuinely curious. Bc in my mind the reason why men cheat in that way is because these other women look better than their wives. Or do you think that if men had exactly the wife they wanted beautiful body and face+provided sex when they wanted and how they wanted, they would still waste their time watching porn? Please someone explain
@@Are.Baires it’s an addiction. Even if they have the most beautiful wife, they can still have these problems. I hope that helps.
You're very attractive. Can't understand why your husband would look at or want other women when he has a beautiful, smart woman in his life.
It has nothing to do with how the wives “look”!
@@erikam8850 -Then please explain or give me your opinion.
Dopamine junkie!
@@erikam8850 Please explain. I'd love to learn your POV
Porn is like a drug. You need to starve yourself from it completely, like a drug addict locking himself up in a room without access to cocaine for example, which is hard to do nowadays given its availability and exposure
That haircut though... hard to take you seriously...
This porn addiction stuff is just people ignoring the fact that humans really really really enjoy sex and just becuase you're married that doesn't change lol Become swingers or become single. The end lol
God created sex for marriage and family. There is such a thing as self control, discipline, self sacrifice, loving your wife and caring about her. Heaven and hell.
Porn isn't cheating. If you dont want your husband watching it, maybe try appreciating him, and be physical with him more than once a week or month. Some of my friends only sleep with their wives once every few months.
Porn is cheating.
Why don't you just join in? Many do!
No porn is pathetic
True fact, many happy couples do!
Dont get into porn, men generally hate, the reason why they do it is there there trapped. Pornography is horrible, never engage in it.
Asking a someone to do something sexually she isn’t comfortable with is not okay. Many of us have dealt with lying, sneaking, our partners withholding sex and even seeking out strippers. I have even tried to bring porn in so maybe it could be something we do together but he refuses, he only wants it as his own private thing. Some men watch it because it’s purely an addiction, even watch some pretty wrong things in my opinion they would never actually do or bring in to their sex life just for the thrill. My husband doesn’t even jack off most of the time it’s purely the high for him, especially if he’s angry or stressed. It’s just an unhealthy coping mechanism. It’s the not being enough for them and not being someone or something they lean on that hurts. The lying. Knowing the high they get is impossible to refuse so how can you trust them in many different scenarios? It’s hard to work past the thoughts and fears that plague us wives and partners.
Your a sick guy watching that kinda stuff
Wi-Fi’s wrong with your hair cut 😮