Forgiveness After Pornography | Dr. Doug Weiss
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 2 июн 2021
- You've been in a relationship for a while, you love them, things may have been great. But when you find out that your spouse has been watching pornography, it can be painful, even traumatizing. The question "Why?" is echoes in your mind as you try to rationalize the reasoning behind it. You may even question all of who they are.
You're hurt and it's legit. Your heart and sexuality have been wounded. Your trust has been violated. However, all those can be restored. You can heal.
In this path of recovery lies forgiveness. Forgiveness of your significant other is more than a choice, it's a process. It may not be easy, it may take time. But it is possible. However, that depends on you.
Forgiveness is different than trust. You may not give yourself fully to them. But you don't hold their action against them. You forgiving prevents you from being bitter and toxic.
Your significant other may choose to change and overcome the habit. They may choose not to as well. Regardless of their choices, you have the choice to get healing for yourself. It takes both support from other people and you being intentional with your work.
Don't compare yourself to the images they watched. Don't belittle yourself because of their actions and don't isolate yourself.
We have a variety of resources available from counseling to polygraphs, books and DVDs to support groups. You are not alone on your journey. If you open up, you can receive the healing you need.
For more information on Partner Betrayal Trauma®, go to partnerbetrayaltrauma.org/
For the DVD, Partner Betrayal Trauma, go to: www.drdougweiss.com/product/p...
For the book, Partner Betrayal Trauma, go to:
www.drdougweiss.com/product/p...
For the Partners of Sex Addicts Facebook group for women, go to:
/ partnersofsa
For the Partners of Sex Addicts Facebook group for men, go to:
/ supportgroupsaia
For telephone and local support groups, go to: www.drdougweiss.com/groups/
For information on marriage counseling and intensives, go to www.drdougweiss.com/counseling/
For a full list of Dr. Doug’s products, visit: www.drdougweiss.com/store/
Doug Weiss, Ph.D., is a nationally known author, speaker and licensed psychologist. He is the executive director of Heart to Heart Counseling Center in Colorado Springs, Colorado, and the author of several books including "Intimacy Anorexia®."
You may contact Dr. Weiss via his website, www.drdougweiss.com/ or on his Facebook / drdougweiss
by phone at 719-278-3708
or through email at heart2heart@xc.org
Only the spirit of God can free someone from this addiction.
I feel
Like I will always be untrusting of him and I always think the worst of everything he is doing. I still don’t feel I have closure because he won’t talk about it with me as he states it’s embarrassing. I feel so betrayed. We have been married for 23 years
I had no idea about this hidden person.
When I saw what he was watching it made me physically sick. I still have flash backs and feel I have PTSD. He had escalated rapidly to being interested in prostitution and claims he was only reading about them.
I am triggered often and feel so insecure
Porn should be illegal
It’s a slippery slope to more sinister and escalating behaviour.
All this pain you have experienced is real. He could do ongoing polygraphs to verify if he is clean or not. You can talk to a coach/counselor about your trauma at 719-278-3708.
We also have a Partners of Sex Addicts phone group and Facebook group you can join for support. You are not alone in this.
www.drdougweiss.com/partner-group/
facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/
I TOTALLY know what you are saying! D day for me was about two months ago, after 4 months if marriage counseling for other behaviors that i now believe branched off of what porn had done in his mind, his body and his heart ( spiritually). We leave for a five fay intensive in less than a week and i PRAY that this will move us forward significantly because THIS HAS DESTROYED ME!!!
38 years of marriage by the way....he had ked a double life and i didn't know what was behind various problems fir THIRTY EIGHT YEARS😭
@@ssweat1963 how did the intensive go?
I completely understand. I do. Just over 3 mo. ago I accidentally found out about my husband's 30+ year involvement with porn (the vast majority, hi-speed internet, a complete secret life). In just 3 weeks we mark our 39th anniversary. I am devastated and completely ruined inside. Self esteem and self confidence are GONE. I don't know what to do or where to turn. He has quit (and yes, I believe he has) but the damage is already done. @@ssweat1963
I’m stuck. My husband has been using pornography for years. I could always tell when he was using because sex with him was different. He continues to tell me that porn did not and does not affect our sex kids. That the things he did with me where things he did with previous partners. This feels very dismissive, devaluing and untruthful. I don’t know where to go from here. Porn is a deal breaker for me but the lies around it are excruciating. I don’t feel like we can reach true change in our marriage until he admits that this is a problem. He says that he does not think of poem when we are together. I don’t even see how that’s possible.
As a man who just lost his wife and also deep in. I can speak for him. Its a mix of shame and habit. It's like he's doing drugs. You see so much you get in deep and then you use it to just get by. You don't even think. It sucks.
He could take a polygraph to validate if he is clean from porn or not. Your pain from this is real regardless.
We have a Partners of Sex Addicts phone group and Facebook group you can join for support if you'd like.
www.drdougweiss.com/partner-group/
facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/
It's an addiction. It releases dopamine in the brain the same way herion does.. I am so sorry you have experienced such pain.. believe me I get it.
Just recently found out husband is looking at pornography again, for the 2nd time. He lied about it when I confronted him. He pushed back and said my cell phone is my privacy. I saw that he was looking at it everyday…at home with me and at work. I am so broken right now. So many thoughts, feelings going through my heart and head. Don’t even know what my future is…I used to know. My question is….I have made an appt with your office for counseling for the both of us. Appt is not until 12/06/21. He is acting like he’s sorry, telling me sorry and how beautiful I am everything…The biggest thing is he has asked me to make love. Does he not know this has effected me even in our intimacy? My question is how do I deal with him until our appt? I’m trying to keep the peace, but I feel awful inside…
You might want to consider doing an appointment just for you. He is not mature enough to have empathy.
You can both get in support groups in the meantime.
For you, there's the Partners of Sex Addicts phone group and Facebook group:
www.drdougweiss.com/partner-group/
facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/
For him, there's the Freedom phone group:
www.drdougweiss.com/freedom-group/
The way you edit our videos, you just want us to cry 😂
Truth be told, it hurts. It really hurts. I was continously asking my husband for intimacy, an emotional connection and he always used to say he's trying and doesn't know what more he can do. The one time, I literally walked in on him, the morning after I poured my heart out to him about this loneliness. So done!
Your pain and trauma are so real. If you want validation for the trauma you have experienced you, you both can also watch or read Partner Betrayal Trauma. It’s full or statistics validating your trauma.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-ebook/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-video-download/
You can also get support from one of our certified therapists trained in partner betrayal trauma and join our support groups. You can contact us at 719-278-3708 and my team can help you get started.
facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa
Regarding what your husband can do, he could watch the Helping Her Heal Set and Healing Her Heart After Relapse video download. These resources were created to validate the betrayed spouse and guide the addict into how to help them heal and emphasizes the importance of staying in recovery.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/helping-her-heal-download-set/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/healing-her-heart-after-relapse-video-download/
Your husband can also get in a group or have a counselor to be accountable to and create a plan to stop this addiction and reconnect with you.
We offer individual sessions, couples counseling, and our 3 or 5-day intensive program (which was created to expedite the process with a lot of counseling in a short amount of time).
When I found out he was watching it again I got up and walked to the bathroom to cry. I ended up walking back out of the bathroom and talking with him about it and he lied to me once again. He ended up telling me the truth once he realized I didn’t believe him and wasn’t going to. When he told me the truth it was like my world crashed down right in front of me and I had no idea it was going on for the last 7/8 months. For a few days after I found out I kept waking up crying and once that was over I started feeling empty inside and I still feel this way, I found out earlier in the month and I forgive him and we have blocked the site and other sites but I can’t help but feel this pain when I look at him.
Thank you for this video!
To get scheduled with a therapist, call Heart to Heart Counseling Center at 719-278-3708.
He has lost everything to his addiction. He will never admit it but it’s true. We’ve been divorced for 5 yrs. He gave up his family, home, job. But he says it was because I was to controlling. Now he is in a new relationship. She has no idea about his addiction. How does he throw all of it away. I’m a Christian who has been standing for him. I would do anything to support him, but he won’t even give me a chance. He is a totally different person. What else can be done? He still says till this day, he does not have a problem, but I know for certainty he is in deeper then before.
Change is up to him. You are powerless to do anything about him. Pray and live your life fully. Let God be Himself in this situation. Free will is a gift that your ex-husband is using poorly.
gold content
It is difficult for me. He finally admitted to having a porn addiction during our entire marriage. This is the second time he has admitted when confronted, he typically lies or denies. But he is never fully honest. His answers are always "i don't know", "i guess", "i don't remember", or "maybe, yeah." I don't have any clear facts-just that he has always struggled with this. He doesn't appear to be serious about his recovery plan either. He will say he will do something, but doesn't follow through. He wore the rubber band for a few days and was done with it. He thinks the affirmations is all he needs to maintain recovery. He has relapsed multiple times on the intimacy anorexia, despite the consequences we agreed upon. This behavior makes it difficult for me to forgive. I do feel kinda lost.
It is reasonable for you to want him to be honest about his behavior and I understand how it is hard to forgive in this case. Your pain from this is legitimate and I'm sorry that you are still experiencing this.
It would be good for him to get and stay accountable to someone about following through with his recovery plan and doing the consequences. A counselor/coach who specializes in both sex addiction and intimacy anorexia as well as joining a support group could prove helpful for him.
If you haven't already, you might want to get healing and support for yourself from this. You can call us at 719-278-3708 to get with one of our partner betrayal trauma therapists and join one of our Partners support groups. You are not alone in this.
facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/media
You might also want to watch the DVD Unstuck.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/unstuck-dvd/
Doing his own consequences is laughable because he always lies about watching porn, masturbating to it and then hiding it. I sometimes have his phone in my hand with all the evidence and he will deny, deny, and deny and finally say well yeah, but its no big deal and I wont do it again. Ive heard this for over two years. And btw men, wives can usually tell when you have been masturbating again because you stink in bed! No woman wants a lack-luster robot..,no thank you! Giving themselves consequences is like telling a child to punish himself for stealing cookies. He swears he didn't take any and still has chocolate and crumbs on his mouth. You can't give a polygraph weekly bc its too expensive. In the mean while I'm wasting my life waiting around for him to become a decent man with a moral compass. Just so sad and tiring. I deserve better than this after giving 100 percent for 23 years and trying to support him through recovery. Then I realize this is not recovery its a different set of lies with him still pleasing himself with porn. So disgusting and depraved. 😢
I'm in deep. I've seen it my whole life. Its just habbit now. I don't even think about it. I want freedom. I already lost my wife this week.
Its all about will power. Avoiding the things that trigger it or the want for it. I have faith in you.
I just left my husband this week. Years of lies. I am sorry you men struggle so much, but you have to seek out help.
@@marinaalexis4095 im very sorry. I really am. As I am your husband in this matter I know his loss will be great and your Freedom will be magic. I'm so very sorry for you as I did it to my wonder wife as well. I hope you find happiness and love.
Fast and pray
All good stuff
After being celebat for 6 years I found a good man but after specifically asking if he had this problem he said God delivered him from that. Well it was a lie. I can't be intimate with someone who is addicted to this. Nor will I ever get married.
And if he wouldn't of gaslighted me and threw a tantrum maybe id understand. He never even explained the situation. Blows it off.
He is a Christian and I recently discovered he has been using pornography for the 30 years we've been together/married. He doesn't see a problem with it.He blames me,shames me,tells me to "get over it,it's not as if he "Did someone else! "Says he'll stop,but have "caught" him once again! He doesn't seem to want to stop. Won't discuss it,tells me if I can't trust him,there is the door! Lies about it/how often and last time he watched it. Believe he also had an affair last year with a coworker.
I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you and for the pain that you are experiencing. You are in no way responsible for him for his sex addiction.
I would recommend getting healing and support for yourself from his choices. You can connect with one of our partner betrayal trauma therapists (contact our office at 719-278-3708), as well as join our Partners Facebook support group. You don't have to be alone in this.
facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/
You might find the Partners book and Partner's Recovery Guide workbook helpful , as well as the DVDs "Unstuck" and "Why Do I Stay".
Regarding your husband, if he doesn't seek help, it will only get worse. He will not get better by himself but only through accountability and by using/applying sexual recovery resources to his lifestyle. If he is interested, we have resources available for him as well.
Christian men dont masturbate to porn! Alot of people disagree with me about that and that's okay. I guess how you define a Christian man is the difference. A Christian man is Christ-like, not a lying whoremonger. Christian people (men and women) are not perfect. But they are not habitual sinners either. Rape, murder, pedophilia, and whoremongering are not habits of Christian people. God loves us all, but Christian people find that kind of behavior filthy and wouldn't be tempted by something so vile and demonic. Pornography invites demons into your home and life. You serve One Master or the Other. Which one do you think pornography serves. Think about it and pray.
I say this with all love, but he isn’t a Christian. He’s a Christian in name only. Jesus sets us FREE from the bondage of sin and its penalty. He needs to be born again. We can only be born again when we repent turn away from our sin and turn to Christ for mercy and forgiveness. Once we are truly born again, we do not continue in patterns of sin. Yes, we will sin at times but if it’s a continuing issue, salvation never truly occurred.
“Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:34, 36
“For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.” 2 Corinthians 3:17
“Little children, make sure no one deceives you; the one who practices righteousness is righteous, just as He is righteous; the one who practices sin is of the devil; for the devil has sinned from the beginning. The Son of God appeared for this purpose, to destroy the works of the devil. No one who is born of God practices sin, because His seed abides in him; and he cannot sin, because he is born of God. By this the children of God and the children of the devil are obvious: anyone who does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor the one who does not love his brother.” 1 John 3:7-10
“Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.”
Galatians 5:24
Amen. You said it perfectly. Christian men do not watch pornography and dont desire to do so.
@@donnasimmons2241 yes. When the Lord saves, He saves thoroughly! Not that we can’t all stumble but there’s a difference between stumbling and patterns. King David fell into horrible sin, but did it happen again? Was it a pattern in his life? No. Most people who have sinful patterns choose to do so. They never truly repented because they aren’t doing all that they can to get rid of it. They aren’t holding their thoughts captive. They aren’t getting rid of vices. They aren’t changing careers. If a recovering alcoholic keeps alcohol in their pocket, that’s foolish! If they keep it in their home.. if they work in a place that has it. Yet, many people keep their electronics and stay in work environments that have this filth. NOTHING in this world is worth losing your soul. Nothing. I’d rather die than be enslaved again and I mean that with all my heart. The fear of the Lord keeps me. I never want to go back to my vomit and be sealed in my fate.
“And when people escape from the wickedness of the world by knowing our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and then get tangled up and enslaved by sin again, they are worse off than before. It would be better if they had never known the way to righteousness than to know it and then reject the command they were given to live a holy life. They prove the truth of this proverb: “A dog returns to its vomit.” And another says, “A washed pig returns to the mud.”” 2 Peter 2:20-22
But I praise the Lord, that He keeps me upheld by His grace. 🙌🏻
Before I started dating my boyfriend, I told him that porn was cheating to me and I couldn’t date someone who watches it. He said he wasn’t and we have been dating for about 2.5years now. A year and a half in, we were just talking in bed and I asked ‘when’s the last time you watched porn?’ And he said, ‘mmmmm maybe about 3 months ago’. I was really hurt because apparently it was around the time of our one year anniversary. I asked him why he did it and he said ‘I think you were mad at me or something. I thought we were going to break up’. I went back through all our photos around that time to remember and I couldn’t find a time where I was angry or it seemed like we were over. Since talking to him, he’s said that he wasn’t going to watch it again and that since then, he hasn’t. To the best of my knowledge, I don’t think he has, but I can’t get over the hurt. Every time I’ve spoken to him about it since, he has not once taken full responsibility of it and has instead implied that it’s half my fault because I was mad at him. This is making it really hard for me to forgive him. If he said he was sorry and said something like ‘I was stressed about the possibility of breaking up and I didn’t know how to deal with it’, then I think I could’ve forgiven him by now. But because he put the blame on me, I’ve been crying at least once a week for about a year now about it and will have random panic attacks about it. I really don’t know how to get over it and I have been to therapy to try but it hasn’t helped. Please tell me how to feel okay.
Since you were clear in the beginning that this was important, the betrayal feels very strong. Men who look at porn regularly are immature emotionally, spiritually, and morally, so his not taking full responsibility is probably due to immaturity. A person who doesn’t have issues with porn would not go to it if they were feeling some discomfort. However, someone who uses porn to cope would be more likely to do so. A polygraph could validate his frequency of this relationship is moving toward marriage if that will clear up if he is a rare user or more frequent user of porn.
Part of the challenge to forgive is the challenge of trusting again. Your partner betrayal trauma from this is real and although you have been dealing with this for a while, it is possible to heal. You might find the Partner Betrayal Trauma book and workbook helpful in validating what you have gone through and providing guidance in the process.
www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-ebook/
www.drdougweiss.com/product/partner-betrayal-trauma-workbook-ebook/
You can also call our office at 719-278-3708 to get with a therapist trained in partner betrayal trauma or join our free Partners Facebook community group for support and encouragement: facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa
Additionally, I have a few other RUclips videos that you can check out as they may provide some useful information on the matter:
My Boyfriend Won't Stop Watching Porn | What Should I Do?" ruclips.net/video/HX4MZpcwgdc/видео.html
How To Stop Watching Pornography: ruclips.net/video/RSGKljgOUXw/видео.html
Porn or Me: ruclips.net/video/2hL0ohoRyhU/видео.html
Sounds like the relationship's done. He's not an honest person.
Please I want to read your book emotional fitness..am in nigeria..can I get a site to download the pdf
You can download the Emotional Fitness ebook from our website here: www.drdougweiss.com/product/emotional-fitness-ebook/
I love my partner but I dont feel like i can ever forgive him. I feel this makes me a bad person 😔
Why after finding the pornography did he completely reject me? Our sex life was good before me finding it and now he has become IA.
Same!
Only he can answer that. It could range from because of shame, wanting to be in the good box, or being upset that he has to choose between you and porn (where before he could have both). The pain you have experienced from this is real. If you need support, we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group available.
www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/
facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/
I can’t see to heal from this after 30 years
He never wants sex with me and I’ve caught him looking so many times
Same case with me.I was not knowing a hidden man doing such for 32 years.All of a sudden ,I found his chats with a woman ..He was simultaneously involved with dating sites and prostitutes.I m devastated.
Yes ❤❤❤❤
““You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. If your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; for it is better for you to lose one of the parts of your body, than for your whole body to go into hell.”
Matthew 5:27-30
❤️
Hi Dr Weiss! I've been dealing with his porn and lying for almost 30 years. It's taken my heart and soul, I've cried so many tears, I've lost so many pounds, I've lost my amazing job, and so much more. I don't think he is using porn anymore but again, I'm not sure. But he has had a huge problem with lying. He still can't confess, even when I have all the proof he asks for. He still makes up excuses and says he didn't do it, but this is mainly about him googling hot chicks, like cheerleaders, sports models, things I've asked him to give up until we can trust again, and maybe have sex. I've begged for sex for 30 years now! Wondering what's wrong with me all these years. He was brought home from the hospital as a new born with porn all over the house, that's how he grew up. I need your help! Please help me! 🙏
He can take a polygraph to verify how clean he is and can do this quarterly until he is a year clean. He and you could also watch the DVD "Why Men Lie", (in it I cover 14 reasons and strategies).
www.drdougweiss.com/product/why-men-lie-dvd/
Your trauma from this and the ongoing lying is real. You can get help by talking to one of our coaches or counselors by calling us at 719 278 3708.
We also have a Partners of Sex Addicts phone group and Facebook group you can join for support and other resources. You are not alone in this.
www.drdougweiss.com/partner-group/
facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/
@Dr. Doug Weiss THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR ALL YOU DO! I will be contacting your office and I have already listened to that one, why men lie, but I will have him also listen,( WITH me, so I know he did it )😉). I can't thank you enough for responding so quickly. Much appreciated. ❤️
my name is Sarah I've been dealing with him and porn over a year now i wondering how can i get into a phone group or some kinda group to help me help i live in Florida so I'm kinda far away from your office ... thank you
You can contact Heart To Heart Counseling Center at 719-278-3708 and we can help you connect with a phone support group. We also have partner betrayal trauma therapists available for phone counseling to help you through this too. You are not alone in this.
There's also a Partners Facebook group you can join as well:
facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/
Forgiving doesn't equal forgetting. Forgiving doesn't equal zero consequences.
Jesus forgave the theif on the cross, but He didn't take him down.
Moses was not allowed to enter the promised land because of his disobedience.
The prodigal son was forgiven and accepted back by the Father- but he still wasted and squandered his inheritance on partying and women. The son who stayed with the Father was the one who still had his inheritance.
Forgiveness does not mean there are no consequences. Your husband may have squandered his inheritance (you, your marraige, you sex life, your family, ect) on other women.
My body/life was bought and paid for by the blood of the Lamb. And I should not just frivolously give it to someone who abuses it, or me.
Matt 7:6. Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.
1 Cor 6:13b. The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.
My wife left me after 33 years from a very young age was attracted to men because of my treatment from my dad it's not the way I wanted it because of my belief in God but could never find my way through this...... now what from here
Do you know that polygraph exams are not admissible in court? They are too inaccurate.
I recently discovered my husband is a porn addict. My husband has stated that he will no longer watch porn if it will save his marriage. My husband travels for work and I’m not sure if I can trust he will stop watching porn. Do you ever suggest installing a porn blocker on an addicted phone? Or would this be considered over stepping and micromanaging?
Your concerns about trusting him is normal. For anyone who is struggling with sex/porn addiction, having a porn blocker on their devices is a must. Pornography is everywhere and if one isn't careful, they can easily get into it.
If he is serious about stopping, it is best that he takes steps to prevent himself from viewing this and to ensure you that he is honestly doing so.
This includes having boundaries like a porn blocker and having accountability with another male (ie: a sexual recovery counselor/coach and support group).
You can contact Heart To Heart Counseling Center at 719-278-3708, and we could start counseling for the two of you, having a plan for him to follow and that you are well involved in it. You can also get healing and support for yourself as well by joining our Partners Facebook support group. You are not alone in this.
facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/
I found a ton of porn sites on my husband’s phone. He swears he doesn’t use it anymore and he cheated on me once when we first started dating. No evidence of anything more recent. We’ve been together since fall of 2019. Should I believe him?
You can decide to believe if you wish or he could simply do a polygraph to validate his innocence.
@@DrDougWeiss, I know you’re right. And I don’t believe him. A polygraph is a luxury beyond our means, but thank you. I’m not sure I can believe anything but a polygraph after all the other lies he’s told. I’ll be praying for God to help me make a way.. either a way through or a way out. I’ve heard upwards of $500. Spending that amount would put our family homeless. If it’s meant for me..there will be a way. I have $30 saved for your dvd. 🤫 I have watched and listened to every available thing from every available group. You are who I want. Idk why.. but it has to be you. Remember my name. I will meet you someday, Sir. ☺️
@@sharonmetzner1798 You can call a local criminal attorney's office and get a reputable polygrapher through them. As for prices, they vary based on the polygrapher and location.
Well i'm single! And thats my prblm
👍
Idk what to do. He says he's stopped, so much pain.
He can take a polygraph to verify if he has truly stopped. Regardless, the Partner Betrayal Trauma you have experienced is real and it is important for you to heal from it.
If you want to speak to a coach/counselor, call you can call us at 719-278-3708.
21 years of porn, other women; he is 3-4 years sober from it; I had a final discovery 2 years ago of something that happened a year or so ago before his sobriety and we are doing the counseling, reading your books; we're doing the work and I had a season of hope but little innocent hurts due to my trauma from it all...I'm feeling dead, done, and just hanging on but I don't want to leave but we deserve more than just me being "present"...does anyone else feel that way? is that still trauma? have I given up?
Traum bonding google it
@@meko3089 I have...I'm so "read" and counseled I could be a therapist at this point :D LOL! j/k...I'm a fighter and believe in my vows and my hubby is changing and trying so hard...I just am "meh" and cannot figure out why I am hanging on to the hurt like I am if that makes sense....
This is trauma that you are still experiencing. For this I would recommend a Partner Betrayal Trauma intensive with neuromodulation to help you get unstuck, giving you an opportunity to love again.
@@DrDougWeiss thank you ♥️ I will call your office and see what I can do about a visit…
I havent heard from you. I explained my situation to you a couple of days ago. My husband left me because he claims hes gay. Hes been using porn for years. Why was our marriage a lie. I dont believe hes gay, i believe hes sex addicted. We were married for 30 years on may 31, 2022. It hurts. Ill never understand why this happened. Im a good person, why wasn't i enough for him. If he is gay, why did he even start a family with me. I will never know the answers to these questions will I.
His behavior has nothing to do with you not being enough. You are rightly grieving your loss and trauma from this. I would suggest you get counseling or do a Partner Betrayal Trauma intensive so you can start healing from his choices.
You can also join our Partners phone group and Facebook group for support.
www.drdougweiss.com/partner-group/
facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/
@@DrDougWeiss ive been reading your partner betrayal book and i am in counseling with one of your counselors. Her name is judy. I am struggling with how my husband can be gay and i did not know. We had intimacy and sex for 25 of those 30 years, had two beautiful daughters. The intimacy and sex stopped 5 years ago. I thought he was going thru a mid-life crisis and he would open up about it eventually. We had a good relationship, we were best friends and now hes gone because he wants sex from guys. I just dont understand his choice. I really think theres someothing deeper here that he does not want to face or tell me. Hes gone and i guess i will never know the answers.
I also have joined the Facebook pages you shared.
I would love to attend one of your programs in Colorado but i live in NH and i cannot afford the program at this time. I am doing the best i can for now but i love him and its hard to let go.
Porn makes men think they are gay. It’s the escalation of the addition. I wish I could talk to you.
Why did my husband choose porn over me?
He lied about porn for our whole marriage and time I knew him. We even went to celebrate recovery and church and youth group . Why did he lie about it.
I'm so sorry that you've been experiencing this in your marriage. It is common for addicts of any kind to lie about their addictions: be it food, porn, working, drinking, etc. This is part of their immaturity due to the addiction.
Know that you have no fault in this and shouldn't blame yourself for it. If you need help and support, you can contact our office at 719-278-3708 to get booked with one of our compassionate therapists.
We also have a few helpful resources that would provide further insight and understanding on the matter.
When You Marry a Child, Don’t Expect a Man Right Away: www.drdougweiss.com/product/when-you-marry-a-child-dont-expect-a-man-video-download/
Why Men Lie: www.drdougweiss.com/product/why-men-lie-video-download/
@@DrDougWeiss thank you so much. I've been doing your Bible app study and it's been helping
heartbroken.
If you need healing and support, you can contact our office at 719-278-3708 and get with one of our partner betrayal trauma therapists to help you through this. You can also join our Partners Facebook support group as well: facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/
The Bible is cery clear that we are not to even eat with unrepentant adulterers, let alone sleep with them, be intimate, and freely give my body, which is the Temple of the Holy Spirit to someone who has defiled himself, me, our marraige bed ect.
1 Cor 5:1-13. It is actually reported that there is sexual immorality among you, and of a kind that is not tolerated even among pagans, for a man has his father's wife. 2 And you are arrogant! Ought you not rather to mourn? Let him who has done this be removed from among you.....
11c-13. Do not even to eat with such a one (sexually immoral "brother" in Christ). For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.”
You are so right!! Keep your head on straight and keep Jesus first! We will be rewarded someday!
If I'd made up my mind and Be firm, Can I stop this addiction and Fapping as well??
Try to disprove this thesis. Treat it as a sparring partner if you will.
Sure, any addiction or fascination can detract from a relationship.
I yield on the point that pornography can be abused. On the other hand, there's a profit motive in using pornography as a scapegoat to lure everyone's attention away from other things in life. Not your cup of tea? Not what you want or need? Then stigmatize it. Happens a lot.
There's pain, and there's pain. Some folks experience pornography as pain, and others experience it as pain like being mis-gendered or folks not using the right pronouns.
This line of thinking can sometimes be a scapegoating racket. Shift all the blame onto the ones watching pornography. Many persons need to escape accountability for other things they've done in the past: luring minors into drug use; predatory lending for education that leads nowhere; plagiarizing; covert slavery. I wish you good things; just don't stop wondering and questioning.
He suggests using a polygraph. Yes. Do that. Take a polygraph on ten major subjects n the relationship and your duties as a citizen. Questions: 1) Are you pretending to know what you're talking about? 2) Do you often boldly say things when you really don't know if they're true? 3) Are you intruding on other people without being honest with them about what you really know? 4) Did you really just memorize a lot of ideas and pretend you really know they're true? etc. 5) Did you decide what is true by how it made you feel superior, more than how it helped others?
You are onto something. On one hand we live in a sexualized society (look at social media, advertising aimed at men and women and teens), music. On the other hand sex still has the stigma left from Puritan days. People like this profit immensely from stigmatized and demonizing porn.
I opened my hubby's phone & right there blaring at me ... he was in a 3 way telephonic porn site engaging in oral sex (he & his friend have their penis's in this women's mouth) !!!
I was devastated. The sad thing is he thinks it's nothing because it was not real but it totally destroyed me....
How can I make him see how much he has hurt me ... emotionally/ physically & mentally ?
Leave
I have backslidden into porn SO MANY TIMES. And now, a so huge SHAME and GUILT. Its not easy to try to live now under that burden all the time. 😔😔😔😔😥😭
Repent (turn from your sin and to Christ) and He will forgive you freely! But you must forsake your sin and He will give you the Holy Spirit that will help you overcome sin. He will set you free!
“Jesus answered them, “Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is the slave of sin. So if the Son makes you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:34, 36
“For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
2 Corinthians 3:17
1 Corinthians 6:9-20.
Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
“All things are lawful for me,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful for me,” but I will not be dominated by anything. “Food is meant for the stomach and the stomach for food”-and God will destroy both one and the other. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. And God raised the Lord and will also raise us up by his power. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, "The two will become one flesh.” But he who is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him. Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
Also,
“For the Lord sees clearly what a man does, examining every path he takes. An evil man is held captive by his own sins; they are ropes that catch and hold him. He will die for lack of self-control; he will be lost because of his great foolishness.”
Proverbs 5:21-23