I would say that leaving my husband and was the best decision I have made. That is when I started healing. I respect those that stick it out and BOTH work on it. But my relationship was one sided. Tried to stay for over a year and I couldn’t do it. The pain from the betrayal will last forever. However. As soon as he left. I realized. This isn’t my fault. I don’t have to feel inadequate. I don’t have to blame me. He always lied about even little things. This is his issue not mine. And my confidence is coming back.
I wish that you heal soon. Me and my wife r staying together, it's close to 2 years now after the D-day. Like u said, the betrayal lasts in ur mind so long. But, it isn't the same throughout, it reduces, and there r few thoughts that don't.
Samuel, I met you at last weekend’s EMS Intensive. It was almost surreal to see you in person, and I so wanted to speak with you and let you know how lifesaving your videos have been for me. Day One was very busy, so I hoped to have another opportunity to chat with you later on. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, but I want you to know that you remain in my thoughts and prayers. Your message today is a reminder to me that we are in it for the long-haul, but it is worth the work. Thank you for making healing and recovery a true reality. Blessings to you.
I’m going on 3-1/2 years and it still hurts like it was yesterday… Everyone’s needs are different.. I feel like I’m one that will take a very long time to heal but I hope everyday to wake up and the pain to be over.
The new mantra I hear is "all our therapist have said I will never hit the mark with her" meaning no matter what he does, it will never be good enough for me. The problem with that theory is there is never a real acknowledgment of behaviors that are not appropriate, and if they are acknowledged, there is never any desire to find out why one might do things that cause such damage and then they happen again and again in one form or another. It's easy to say it's never enough, and some of that might seem true. So much trauma I can get stuck and waiting for the other shoe to drop and no acknowledge an effort, no matter how small. Which dysfunctional hurtful system does one attack first? How does one be loving and kind when you know they are lying? I'm lost!! and, trying to work the aftercare from EMS and feeling like I am chasing my tail because I don't know what level of acknowledging his attempts to participate, or do the right thing, are real. He always leads with all the "good" things he has recently decided to do, which are just things a husband does, as opposed to what he has done which is very abusive. My head is spinning! Doing my best to work on my side of the street.
Its taken my marriage 4 yrs to heal ... still healing in ways. I was the Bs and these videos and God have blessed me an aided in the survival of my marriage! If you want it to work.. ...hang in there even in the pain. There is light at the end of the tunnel!!
Thank you this is so very helpful . I continue to do the recovery work even with the passing of my husband , the pain in indescribable at times . Your videos are an immense healing to me . I’m sorry to hear the news but I want you to know I am going to be praying for you and your family . I thank you for sharing.
There is no quick fix! Unfortunately it’s really hard to heal when your husband refuses to do the work. I have just finished the Harboring Hope classes for myself. It makes me so sad that my husband doesn’t think he has to do anything. I need to begin making plans for myself now and it makes me sad, after 35 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn’t worth fighting for.
I'm going through this right now. After 11 yrs together he cheated and now he will run and hide from every attempt at talking about what happened or the plan of how to fix it and move forward. All he has done has made feel like I'm NOT a priority, he just wants to pretend it never happened and leave me to suffer the consequences of his actions.
avoiding it is hard as hell. is he open to getting help at all? often times when the right help is utilized, they will open up to them and do work. it takes time and strategy but it's entirely possible. spouses can be super reactive to their spouses, but open up and cooperate with experts etc. what do you think about getting help through us?
@@samshealingpodcast I have asked him if he would be willing to get outside help and he has said that he would. I believe you are very correct in saying that it would be harder to open up and discuss such a touchy subject with me, he says he's afraid it will make things worse because of my reaction, and he is probably right. I always ask him to talk but the couple times we tried I found myself super angry when he talked about the affair. So I know that I need help as well, and yes, ever since D day I have binge watched your videos and getting help through you guys has been my only consideration. I dont want to just give up and neither does he, but trying to work through something like infidelity without help is pretty much impossible. We have 11 years together, its so worth fighting for!
What happens when I, the betrayed spouse just can not get over his affair? It has been a very long time since it happened. He has not given me closure. Does not remember if he slept with her or anything about the affair. He also gets upset with me because I don’t trust him and he wonders when this will ever end..
it's hard to get over what you're not even sure happened. without knowing what happened, it's incredibly difficult to heal and get over it. you don't know what you're forgiving, you don't know what you're choosing to live with, you don't know what you don't know. be kind to yourself as it's completely understandable.
@@samshealingpodcast Thanks so much for your response. I am not sure if I can live like this anymore. If he is not willing to give me that closure then I think I am done.,
Here is what recovery looks like for us after 3 years: true recovery is pretty much infinite. For us, the “better” we get the more we want to do and the thought of giving back becomes a real thing. So it’s like recovery is ever-going but the continued work becomes progressively more fulfilling with time. Thank you Sam - Xavier & Maria
3 years now, at times I want to pull back when I reflect on the past. At times I want to let her know what she did hurt me worse than anything I have ever gone through. (I decided to stay, we have young children) During those moments of dark thoughts I remind myself that she is my wife, she is all I have and ever will have so I might as well suck it up and not withdraw my love as ultimately withdrawing will only make our relationship worse. It is, what it is, I have to accept that we do not everything we want in life & and that includes a faithful spouse - for some people.
narcissism is extremely tough. if it's in fact narcissism, it's going to be tough, but possible. it's vital you take care of you though and protect you. if you don't care for you, you get swept up into the waves of pain and hurt and the devastation continues. prioritize you and find an expert that can assess your wife.
I considered leaving especially after three D-days because of trickling info. After the lies, disengagement with me, refusal to get help I wanted to be done. This was the cherry on top of all of the other hurt before D-Day. I’m going to give it my continued best and watch his progress and see if anymore trickles out.
It's their shame and fear that stops them confessing all immediately, and, in my case, my increasingly bad reactions to increasingly bad bombshells didn't help. I had five months of trickle truth post d-day before he realised he had to come clean about all of it (including his secretive continued contact with the AP) if we were to stand a chance. We're four years on. Best of luck.
I have lived in this shame for more than a year now. I am suicidal. I am tired of being told I am the worst person to ever live DAILY. If you claim to be a christian you should know that living in shame is where the devil finds ground to work from. Yet, here you are encouraging us all to live in shame?
I wish i saw this 2 years ago i would been equiped to stop my infidelity. Now my affair partner is pregnant and my wife is gone....so jus hav to own up....i watch these videos everyday and i hav learnt a lot about myself and i think im better equiped every time. Jus wish didnt try to fix me by myself
How long does it take in your program, and how good have you seen it possible? I mean the best case scenario's, how many people just do ok, and how many tank?
hi there. not everyone makes it and there are no guarantees. we have an incredibly effective success rate for those that go all in and do the work. for those that attend our ems weekend, over 87% of all attendees are still married 5 years later. also, for those that take our online courses, over 79% of all attendees are still married. it matters how determined and committed the participants are.
Would you have some contact for online councillor, we live in Ireland, three years down the line…moving on in circles ( p. Addiction), we have six children…. He has lot of anger issues… it looks as if we switched the roles, he is fed up with any negative feedback, analysing anything, he said he is happy that I am not God, that I would just send him to hell…. I suffered with Ptsd but never got any psychological help.. I don’t know how to look for a good therapist who would be on the same page and have a christian perspective. They are times I’m just afraid of him, totally shut…. Don’t want to open about anything anymore, I get rage fit as result from him
Your videos are brilliant and really helping me. I'm only 3 months in after finding out my wife was in contact with someone for 9 years but they only got intimate in the last 6 months. My wife has been very open but l've pushed her to tell me everything. She says l'm the better man, better looking but l neglected her simple needs and love. I'm partly to blame too. I find the trust & deceipt the hardest thing to deal with.
She is lucky that you can see things this way, I had an affair for a much shorter amount of time. My husband can barely look at me, and dday way 4 months ago. I love him and needed him and still need him now.
They have support groups for betrayed spouses and for unfaithful spouses. Their support group for the betrayed is called Harboring Hope. It helped me immensely!! Their support group for the unfaithful is called Hope for Healing.
I sure can. here you'll find a few of our groups that are life changing and will provide excellent help for you: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses let me know if you have any questions at all.
I would say that leaving my husband and was the best decision I have made. That is when I started healing. I respect those that stick it out and BOTH work on it. But my relationship was one sided. Tried to stay for over a year and I couldn’t do it. The pain from the betrayal will last forever. However. As soon as he left. I realized. This isn’t my fault. I don’t have to feel inadequate. I don’t have to blame me. He always lied about even little things. This is his issue not mine. And my confidence is coming back.
I wish that you heal soon. Me and my wife r staying together, it's close to 2 years now after the D-day. Like u said, the betrayal lasts in ur mind so long. But, it isn't the same throughout, it reduces, and there r few thoughts that don't.
proud of you for doing what you needed to do to take care of you
The pain from the betrayal won't last forever. You will get there.
❤❤❤❤❤
I left too. Two years later, I am myself
Samuel, I met you at last weekend’s EMS Intensive. It was almost surreal to see you in person, and I so wanted to speak with you and let you know how lifesaving your videos have been for me. Day One was very busy, so I hoped to have another opportunity to chat with you later on. Unfortunately that didn’t happen, but I want you to know that you remain in my thoughts and prayers. Your message today is a reminder to me that we are in it for the long-haul, but it is worth the work. Thank you for making healing and recovery a true reality. Blessings to you.
it was chaos. hahaha. i'm so sorry i wasn't able to talk more with you and be with you. thank you for your kind words. they mean more than you know.
I’m going on 3-1/2 years and it still hurts like it was yesterday… Everyone’s needs are different.. I feel like I’m one that will take a very long time to heal but I hope everyday to wake up and the pain to be over.
I’m three years our. It’s still so hard but has gotten better. This sucks so bad
I ended up just leaving my husband. He didn’t do his part. And I just was done with the lies.
I feel the same way. I am doing all this work, and my wife is doing very little work.
It takes as long as it takes! So true! Every couple is different. If we spend our time resenting the healing process we won’t ever really heal.
thank you my friend.
The new mantra I hear is "all our therapist have said I will never hit the mark with her" meaning no matter what he does, it will never be good enough for me. The problem with that theory is there is never a real acknowledgment of behaviors that are not appropriate, and if they are acknowledged, there is never any desire to find out why one might do things that cause such damage and then they happen again and again in one form or another. It's easy to say it's never enough, and some of that might seem true. So much trauma I can get stuck and waiting for the other shoe to drop and no acknowledge an effort, no matter how small. Which dysfunctional hurtful system does one attack first? How does one be loving and kind when you know they are lying? I'm lost!! and, trying to work the aftercare from EMS and feeling like I am chasing my tail because I don't know what level of acknowledging his attempts to participate, or do the right thing, are real. He always leads with all the "good" things he has recently decided to do, which are just things a husband does, as opposed to what he has done which is very abusive. My head is spinning! Doing my best to work on my side of the street.
Its taken my marriage 4 yrs to heal ... still healing in ways. I was the Bs and these videos and God have blessed me an aided in the survival of my marriage! If you want it to work.. ...hang in there even in the pain. There is light at the end of the tunnel!!
Thank you this is so very helpful . I continue to do the recovery work even with the passing of my husband , the pain in indescribable at times . Your videos are an immense healing to me . I’m sorry to hear the news but I want you to know I am going to be praying for you and your family . I thank you for sharing.
There is no quick fix! Unfortunately it’s really hard to heal when your husband refuses to do the work. I have just finished the Harboring Hope classes for myself. It makes me so sad that my husband doesn’t think he has to do anything. I need to begin making plans for myself now and it makes me sad, after 35 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn’t worth fighting for.
I'm going through this right now. After 11 yrs together he cheated and now he will run and hide from every attempt at talking about what happened or the plan of how to fix it and move forward. All he has done has made feel like I'm NOT a priority, he just wants to pretend it never happened and leave me to suffer the consequences of his actions.
avoiding it is hard as hell. is he open to getting help at all? often times when the right help is utilized, they will open up to them and do work. it takes time and strategy but it's entirely possible. spouses can be super reactive to their spouses, but open up and cooperate with experts etc. what do you think about getting help through us?
@@samshealingpodcast I have asked him if he would be willing to get outside help and he has said that he would. I believe you are very correct in saying that it would be harder to open up and discuss such a touchy subject with me, he says he's afraid it will make things worse because of my reaction, and he is probably right. I always ask him to talk but the couple times we tried I found myself super angry when he talked about the affair. So I know that I need help as well, and yes, ever since D day I have binge watched your videos and getting help through you guys has been my only consideration. I dont want to just give up and neither does he, but trying to work through something like infidelity without help is pretty much impossible. We have 11 years together, its so worth fighting for!
I would do whatever to help him recover from my infidelity.
I wanted to do the same too... But is him willing to try?
Covid is when my husband had the affair. With one of my best friends. D-Day was jan 14th. I'm still struggling like it DDay was yesterday.
What happens when I, the betrayed spouse just can not get over his affair? It has been a very long time since it happened. He has not given me closure. Does not remember if he slept with her or anything about the affair. He also gets upset with me because I don’t trust him and he wonders when this will ever end..
it's hard to get over what you're not even sure happened. without knowing what happened, it's incredibly difficult to heal and get over it. you don't know what you're forgiving, you don't know what you're choosing to live with, you don't know what you don't know. be kind to yourself as it's completely understandable.
@@samshealingpodcast Thanks so much for your response. I am not sure if I can live like this anymore. If he is not willing to give me that closure then I think I am done.,
Here is what recovery looks like for us after 3 years: true recovery is pretty much infinite. For us, the “better” we get the more we want to do and the thought of giving back becomes a real thing. So it’s like recovery is ever-going but the continued work becomes progressively more fulfilling with time. Thank you Sam - Xavier & Maria
thank YOU
Ditto for us. It’s a new lifestyle. A new perspective and focus.
True. The repeatedly asked question.
Thank u.
3 years now, at times I want to pull back when I reflect on the past. At times I want to let her know what she did hurt me worse than anything I have ever gone through. (I decided to stay, we have young children) During those moments of dark thoughts I remind myself that she is my wife, she is all I have and ever will have so I might as well suck it up and not withdraw my love as ultimately withdrawing will only make our relationship worse. It is, what it is, I have to accept that we do not everything we want in life & and that includes a faithful spouse - for some people.
Still together? I’m 5 months out and so hurt and think that it will never work out
Much love! Thank you
thank YOU.
How about the narcissistic wife cheated her husband,it's possible to repair or healing in this kind of relationship?
Jaye u can always heal. U don’t wait for them. U heal u. If she’s not on the same page, she’s not.
narcissism is extremely tough. if it's in fact narcissism, it's going to be tough, but possible. it's vital you take care of you though and protect you. if you don't care for you, you get swept up into the waves of pain and hurt and the devastation continues. prioritize you and find an expert that can assess your wife.
Even if the spouse is doing the work it still takes time. Unfortunately this completely changes the betrayed.
I considered leaving especially after three D-days because of trickling info. After the lies, disengagement with me, refusal to get help I wanted to be done. This was the cherry on top of all of the other hurt before D-Day.
I’m going to give it my continued best and watch his progress and see if anymore trickles out.
It's their shame and fear that stops them confessing all immediately, and, in my case, my increasingly bad reactions to increasingly bad bombshells didn't help. I had five months of trickle truth post d-day before he realised he had to come clean about all of it (including his secretive continued contact with the AP) if we were to stand a chance. We're four years on. Best of luck.
I have lived in this shame for more than a year now. I am suicidal. I am tired of being told I am the worst person to ever live DAILY. If you claim to be a christian you should know that living in shame is where the devil finds ground to work from. Yet, here you are encouraging us all to live in shame?
I wish i saw this 2 years ago i would been equiped to stop my infidelity. Now my affair partner is pregnant and my wife is gone....so jus hav to own up....i watch these videos everyday and i hav learnt a lot about myself and i think im better equiped every time. Jus wish didnt try to fix me by myself
Another great video. Thank u.
thank you so much.
How long does it take in your program, and how good have you seen it possible? I mean the best case scenario's, how many people just do ok, and how many tank?
hi there. not everyone makes it and there are no guarantees. we have an incredibly effective success rate for those that go all in and do the work. for those that attend our ems weekend, over 87% of all attendees are still married 5 years later. also, for those that take our online courses, over 79% of all attendees are still married. it matters how determined and committed the participants are.
As much as you need.
Forever
Would you have some contact for online councillor, we live in Ireland, three years down the line…moving on in circles ( p. Addiction), we have six children…. He has lot of anger issues… it looks as if we switched the roles, he is fed up with any negative feedback, analysing anything, he said he is happy that I am not God, that I would just send him to hell…. I suffered with Ptsd but never got any psychological help.. I don’t know how to look for a good therapist who would be on the same page and have a christian perspective. They are times I’m just afraid of him, totally shut…. Don’t want to open about anything anymore, I get rage fit as result from him
Your videos are brilliant and really helping me. I'm only 3 months in after finding out my wife was in contact with someone for 9 years but they only got intimate in the last 6 months. My wife has been very open but l've pushed her to tell me everything. She says l'm the better man, better looking but l neglected her simple needs and love. I'm partly to blame too. I find the trust & deceipt the hardest thing to deal with.
She is lucky that you can see things this way, I had an affair for a much shorter amount of time. My husband can barely look at me, and dday way 4 months ago. I love him and needed him and still need him now.
Together 9 years - intimate for 6 months?
Not sure I would buy that.
Thank you so much for your information.
Can I join a support group? Please help.
They have support groups for betrayed spouses and for unfaithful spouses. Their support group for the betrayed is called Harboring Hope. It helped me immensely!! Their support group for the unfaithful is called Hope for Healing.
I sure can. here you'll find a few of our groups that are life changing and will provide excellent help for you: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses let me know if you have any questions at all.
This hits so close to home...
i hope and pray it helps you.