As a 57-year-old woman, RUclips has been invaluable to me these past 3 years. I have spent countless hours learning about narcissism, codependency, attachment styles, childhood trauma, core shame, etc. I can actually say that my life and who I turned out to be as an adult finally makes sense. RUclips videos, used in conjunction with my 12-step program for codependency, have been a game changer for me. I have processed and healed so much already and will continue doing so, no doubt, for the rest of my life. What’s so cool, too, is that my grown daughter just started her first semester of grad school to get her masters in counseling (Cal State Fullerton). Between the two of us, we have so much good stuff to chew on each and every day. It was a pleasure listening in on your conversation and thank you both for sharing your insights with us all!
@@NickiNicki140 Believe in yourself. Your soul will direct you to the path you need to be on. This is that voice and gut that speaks to you and you hear it, you know it, yet our soul helps us see the red flags, that have been ignored by denial.
I cannot even fathom Patrick’s luck of finding a good therapist his first try. At the same time, it clearly happened to the best person because he shared the healing with the rest of us.
Boy, could I use a bit of the Patrick luck in a helper of some sort right now!! Preferably, I'm into a mentor thing more than a mental health professionals type of thing. I need an experience of a steady, wise friend so much I tear up
CPTSD not being addressed in the DSM-5 leaves so much out when people present as depressed or anxious. Not enough therapists are trained in this, and it kind of takes a person who's gone through it to understand it. A pill for depression or anxiety just prolongs the issues. These videos are a lifeline.
Absolutely. Until Anna, I was in a mailstrom of going round & round of talking therapy, which just didn't help me or my CPTSD at all. Constructive, action orientated has changed my way of thinking & subsequently my life. 💜
I agree with your sentiments about C-PTSD! Meds do help me from feeling suicidal, and have changed the quality of my life. I will continue with medical and talking therapy as long as they are working for me.
“To be seen meant to be attacked.” The delicious paradox in that one powerful phrase is that it makes me feel seen by both of you lovely souls, yet comforted instead of attacked. What a novel sensation! Thank you 🥰
This really struck me too! I have always shied away from any kind of spotlight, not wanting to be noticed. It is ingrained deeply into the cells of my body that to be noticed (seen) equals attack (danger). Even though as a 59 year old I know that this is logically not true in most cases, my body and subconscious mind scream at me otherwise.
I’m starting to conclude the vast majority of humanity is dysfunctional. Some kids end up narcissistic, some co-dependent, some drug addicts, alcoholics, psychopaths, black sheep, borderline etc. Some get so tired of the repeating the same patterns of destruction - and have enough self awareness, intuition or the fortuitous help of someone else, we try to stop the cycle of suffering for ourselves & our children. Many stay unaware and keep repeating patterns of dysfunction.
I don't think we are naturally that way it is conditioning also living in a sick or corrupt society which includes ours it puts money before people etc. I think we are ok then get put through a meat grinder and come out of the meat grinder holding on for dear life
@@leahflower9924 Exactly! I think the way society is set up is what's churning out the dysfunctional people. So much pressure of having kids whether or not the person is ready of capable, stigma against mental health, the glorification of putting others before you, boundaries being seen as selfish etc. to name a few
Yes. Lately I'm like, who cares who the narcissist is, who cares who the codependent is, etc... The fact that matters is that we're stuck in a toxic cycle and what's important from there is how can I recognize and work on my own triggers that take me out of a mindful, healthy space? I can't protect myself, and sometimes can't even understand what's going on when I'm triggered and that's 100% what I need to figure out. The rest is unnecessary and pretty much delusional if I'm triggered for too long anyway. I can't be stuck in the mud anymore...
It’s GOT to be a ‘takes one to know one’ kind of therapist… it’s the difference between Nancy Reagan , Just say no, and a real addict/alcoholic ex: Betty Ford… for me? If you haven’t been there? You just don’t know…
The first sensory trigger that shook me to the core as an adult: I was at a backyard party with my kids who were 5 and 7, where we didn't know the hosts well. It was getting late and the kids were hungry, so I wandered into the kitchen to see when the food might be served. There was a woman leaning on a counter who had long red fingernails, and was holding a cocktail glass and a lit cigarette in the same hand, her head thrown back laughing much too loudly, with lipstick smeared on her teeth. The ice cubes in her glass were tinkling, and her bracelets were jangling. She shot me an annoyed glance and said, impatiently, the food would be ready whenever it was ready. I was so triggered I panicked and grabbed my kids, and we left immediately. I was shaken up for hours. I don't know why my strong gut reaction really caught me by surprise. It should have been so obvious.
That's a wonderful description. I had a similar experience when in a public park, where a dad was playing chase with his young son. Having spyed this, I nearly leapt out of my shoes. I realised that the only time my own father chased me like that was just before I was about to get popped.
@@catwitdabigdog2076 Do you mean hit/spanked😰That is so sad and triggering when whe see other kids being so loved and cared about, and it is something that we craved and lacked of. I saw that very often in recent year, the really good caring father, who loved his children equally, and that was really waking up my own hurts and resentments toward my father.
I love that you brought up being a parent in therapy. I grew up with trauma. My parents grew up with trauma. I am learning, and am responsible for hurting my children unintentionally. It has caused an immense amount of guilt and shame around my parenting. I am with a good trauma therapist now. And am open and honest with my children about my mistakes and honoring their feelings and memories. It is all I can do right now. Thank you for your work Patrick. And thank you “Crappy childhood fairy”.
I'm third out of many here... As much as it hurts to realize how much trauma I caused to my kids, I remind myself that I did what I could've had done in the wilderness of raging drama driven dynamics and now trying to heal and make up for my mistakes with them and finally do it right even when it's too hard because the PTSD is still holding me in easily dysregulated me but God willing and all my efforts and hopefully a good therapist will get me out of that grasp and power will be all mine and I wish it with all ofy heart and pray God that every parent struggling with the healing would get the breakthrough fast so kids are no sofferng as we did🩷🙏🩷
I love the Laura Ingalls Wilder books too. They give me me a cozy secure vibe. Books were always an escape for me, but i also liked TV show like Full House that showed healthy family dynamics. I didnt know at the time why I was so drawn to these family depictions, because I would have called them "corny or unrealistic". Now I see how the family I created with my husband and children are closer to that image than I would have thought possible. We can openly support each other. We can talk about hard things and difficult feelings. We can love each other when it's hard!
Huh. You know, I've always felt my whole life, even as a child, that TV shows with loving families were fake nonsense and they literally grossed me out, I thought they were creepy. But it's because my own family was so anti-love and I had no idea what to do with healthy feelings.
@@thegreatdream8427 Not the TV shows, but men who are normal regular "dad" types creep me out. Probably, this is because MY Dad was weird and inappropriate and was zero a father figure or even around, for that matter. I remember loving Little House on the Prairie and hating Michael Landon's character because he was too creepy normal dad-ish. LOL! Funny but not funny.
I think I only recently accessed the anger beyond the depression thanks to these videos, and I am starting to actually process through that as well for the first time. Thank you both for leading the way out of pit. ❤️
@@pennyduncan6861 There is so much more to depression than that. And I believe anger can be a stepping stone out of abuse-triggered depression but it isn't the core cause.
Anna is so relatable and her insight and vulnerability is beautiful. She embraces her humanity and has inspired me to do the same. She talks true and talks straight. She and Patrick share their wisdom because they are connected to themselves and have the ability to connect to many of us. They are independent, together. I love this collaboration.
You're absolutely right on "not all therapists know everything." I'm not sure how many people I've seen before I found my current one - who was actually listed on the healthcare website as being knowledgeable about trans* people. What a relief to get help without having to educate at the same time!! Plus the blessing that she recognized my PTSD when we met; she's made a huge difference in my life.
I don't know if I found the one yet but that one was the most significant one..... And the knowledging that "yes this is PTSD!" It's a relief to be validated by someone who is an expert..... Like "IM NOT CRAZY" 🤯
I think some greedy therapists just put that there to try to get more clients. They think “errrr I dont hate trans people so yeah Ill put that!” Not that they even have any real experience with the struggles of trans people
I've been in therapy for as long as i can remember. I grew up a ward in the system. Taking a break from therapy and using both or your clarification videos are helping me so much more. I always felt like i really felt safe and heard but I just tried to convince them I'm okay. I am greatful for gaining clarity by subcribing.
We love the crappy childhood fairy. Thanks Anna for Patrick.. We love you too. Anna is the reason I put on my jacket while hearing her video and went and ended a toxic relationship.
And I when you asked the question how does one even know who qualifies as a therapist without having to go through 11 of them. If someone is going to minister to children who are suffering and unhealthy situation the therapist is going to have to have been through what the child is going through the therapist can’t be a Normie uneducated Normie they do not understand
two of my favourite human beings doing collab. Thanks Anna and Patrick for single handedly giving our traumatised little souls some hope. you are incredible! On a sidenote: when Patrick says "I get nervous before playing on stage, because in childhood being seen means being attacked" THIS IS SO PROFOUND. i've been feeling this attack every time Im doing anything creative, and I was trying to put this into words for years.
Eva.... This was a "brainstorm" to me, literally, being 31 and still have that kick about being on the spotlight (I didn't even being able to finish university because of that) it's scary AF
Agree 💯. Being productive, much less creative is a huge challenge in front of other ppl. And don't even get me started about job interviews or training in a new job. Being "trained" in childhood by an overly critical, raging parent watching (literally) over the shoulder from behind me gave me the exact opposite of a "I've got this" or any resemblance of confidence. I mean really?! What was my dad thinking? It's feels like it was deliberate sabotage. And I have an extremely difficult time feeling otherwise. Some ppl r just damn mean.
Totally relate. Im naturally a extrovert but have performance anxiety/stage fright and I believe that is 100% because of that feeling of being seen means being attacked, it means making yourself vunrable.
"In our childhood to be seen was to be attacked." Sadly I relate to that statement very much. I know this is where my performance anxiety/stage fright comes from.
Holy cow...."I am a normal person who had an abnormal injury and it's not my fault..." That rang through my entire body like a bell. THAT is the question that has been hiding inside me and tormenting me into disregulation forever. That question- "Am I normal? Was these things that were done to me actually awful and did I deserve it, somehow..." Thank you Patrick and Anna I think I can lay this down at least for a few moments after listening to you guys talk. I think maybe you can understand my profound relief? I am not an awful person who deserved to be ground down and then thrown away....
Reading your comment I connected. I see your pain, your isolation, and confusion. We can trust ourselves, we can figure out our triggers, and work on them, and we can create new relationships. ❤️ You got this 😁
I am not a big fan of people who think being a victim is all fabricated nonsense. The horrific things human do to each other and the other non human citizens, it’s hard to believe few people have not been victimized.
I find when my sense of smell leads me to a painful memory, it helps to take a wee whiff out of a tiny vial I keep in my pocket. It contains mineral salts with essential oil dropped in; a scent that I love and feel good about. It snaps my brain out of that uglier place. So far, gardenia and jasmine are my favorites. But eucalyptus and mint are refreshing as well. Helps to re-regulate. Walks help, too.
This conversation was excellent and so helpful to me. As a hypnotherapist with CPTSD who is questioning how to be more effective in working with my trauma-affected clients, I am in awe of you two. Loving this conversation and look forward to learning/conversing more with you. Big kudos for the work you are doing.
@@JoJohXD 💝 There aren't enough of us willing to do this work. I believe the most effective therapists and hypnotherapists are those who have CPTSD; those who have done the work to heal. I am still learning and I have been doing this for 25 years.
It’s absurd to me that the professionals I’ve seen seem to have no clue how to properly respond when I tell my story. It’s crazy to me that they didn’t respond better, like “wow, that’s a lot for a kid to go through. That must have been very confusing and scary. Do you want to talk about how that was for you?” Nope. Just suggestions or silence, or some stupid sound response, like “ah”. I’m not trained and I know how to empathically listen to show support and help create “space” for a person to feel seen and heard.
That is absolutely the most frustrating reason I have avoided therapy- the few times I’ve tried, I ended up triggered and I always left in worse condition, feeling ignored, and honestly invisible.
@@jrojala I can't even count how many terrible experiences I've had in therapy! There have been some really good experiences, when I did feel heard and validated. But many more when I, like you, ended up triggered and left feeling worse than when I walked in. I have trusted therapists with some of the really off-the-wall things my mother did/said to me, and I could tell by their reaction that they didn't believe me.
NO WAY!! I just discovered both of you within the last few weeks and I've been watching both channels daily! I haven't watched this yet but I have a hunch this is going to to be GREAT! You are both heroes 💪 ❤ 🙌
Patrick, damn you are on fire with the videos lately. I appreciate you sharing yourself personally and some of the professional challenges in the system with brave honesty. I feel validated and less alone, in spite of how lonely I am, hearing your thoughts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Whoo, I believe I might be old enough to BE your parent, and recently fully realized how abused I was. And the resources available in my childhood were non-existent. Learning to deal with my own CPTSD at my age is a really big job. It is like a wash of clean rain to hear people actually talking about this stuff. Aloud. Wow. And the resources...now I can find so much to help me. "What works for you or doesn't..." that is GOLD, and having so many choices and so much information available is such a blessing. Hearing you discuss this is great. In my case I did see how my parents were survivors of stuff and that made it difficult to hold them accountable. It is been hard to reach the anger. Now I am in that space to go further. So many magical empowering words here. Thanks for doing this video. Thanks to you both for the resources.
I'm 37 and to this day whenever I hear approaching footsteps my heart races, adrenaline pumps and I get incredibly anxious. Even if I know it's just my neighbor walking around her apartment, it's so instant and uncontrollable. I'm aware of it and I know exactly why that makes me feel that way but it still happens. I really want to not experience that anymore.
@Dawn Chandler I am the same! I get triggered by certain smells, sounds, tones of voice, places, etc, all the time. I also am fully aware of WHY it is triggering me, but it still happens. This is because trauma embeds itself into our bodies and the neural pathways of our brains. It's not our fault! But is difficult to live with. I usually don't share my abuse stories with most people, because I usually get a response like "Just let go of the past, don't dwell on it", which is not helpful at all!
So it sounds like you may be stuck in a mental trauma loop FROM THE PAST. The best way to SHIFT loops is to ACCEPT THEM & MOVE INTO THE PRESENT TIME. First, I force my breathing to slow down by counting 4 inhale, 2 HOLD, 4EXHALE, 2 HOLD AND, I tell myself, OUTLOUD" i understand that this is making me afraid & I HEAR YOU AND i PROMISE I AM TAKING CARE OF MYSELF & i AM SAFE" i AM SAFE & i can let go of this grief/pain & fear. I GOT THIS, I AM TAKING CARE OF THIS " And i ALWAYS HUG my body (because it stops the body's reaction) I know it sounds cheesy but just talking out loud with a blanket or hugging a pillow opens the trauma up to allow BIGGER parts of your brain to process our pain. Words & commands spoken out loud get processed in our FRONT LOBES (silence keeps fear locked in the lower unconscious). SELF-TALK works as does RELAXING YOUR BODY- with meditation/yoga/heavy blankets/ASMR videos/HOT HERBAL sleepy TEA etc. Just admitting it helps!
Agree with "don't stop at anger". In my experience, anger is like the finger pointing at the moon. It will show you where the problem is, but it is not the answer.
For me, a few valuable takeaways: “To be seen [was/] is to be attacked.” “It was so much love I couldn’t handle it” until I was in my forties and had kids and could take it in. “How similar CPSD is to isolation.” “My private victory. . . . I was so proud of myself. . . . To have a choice about it.” Thank you, Patrick and Anna.
Loved how they touched on the difficulties with therapy. Last year, when trying therapy myself for the narcissistic family system I grew up in, I was told "you know, someday your own son will be in therapy complaining about you." It was incredibly hurtful.
How unethical and unprofessional. You will be a blessing, ally and advocate to your children just as I have to mine. That therapist probably recognised some of her own behaviours in your family members.
@@franceslock1662 100% agree with your response to Rosalyn. How incredibly messed up for someone to say that, especially in therapy where you have to be vulnerable and try to trust the person you're opening up to. Roslyn, I am so sorry you had that experience.
That is my biggest fear... not being able to stop the damage and trauma generationally. I am an only child and I have an only child. It's just us. I am imperfect and have moments of dysregulation. But no where near as traumatic as I experienced. But that's irrelevant and that makes me sad.
60 here from Canada 🇨🇦 3 years ago I had an emergency surgery afterwards I realized truly decided to stop denying my trauma my pain needed to begin on my own personal healing still working on personal development learning opportunities from a lot of dysfunctional destructive self and wow I am a human being one day at a time getting to know myself whoever I am one step at a time peace Patrick and Anna God bless you both 🙏 ❤️
Today 04:11:23 I practice self love and self care concepts accepting myself completely all my perfect imperfections all my weaknesses not only my strengths all my flaws are the distorted self concepts All my fears & resentments as well as recognizing my security confidence discernment agency God is good & just and this is the truth yay 🙏👌 ☝️ (6 months ago) 📩 60 here from Canada 🇨🇦 3 years ago I had an emergency surgery afterwards I realized truly decided to stop denying my trauma my pain needed to begin on my own personal healing still working on personal development learning opportunities from a lot of dysfunctional destructive self (distorted) concepts and wow I am a human being one day at a time getting to know myself whoever I am one step at a time peace Patrick and Anna God bless you both 🙏 ❤️ A Chat With The Crappy Childhood Fairy - Anna Runkle
Exactly. I don't want to talk endlessly about my parents. They are both dead now anyway. I just want to sort out what they did to me and fix it, so I can have a a good and healthy rest of my life.
One of my family members who emotionally & physically destroyed me when we were kids apologized, I stupidly forgave her like it was totally fine knowing I’d still resent her for practically playing a part of ruinining me. Sorry doesn’t fix wounds I’ll never get to be a child again
You forgave her and if you meant it it's only will benefit you to let it go. Because it is true you won't be ever a child again, but now if you have less burden to carry by letting go of that resentment - it'll be beneficial for you and for her, if she was sincerely Sorry for hunting you. Hope your healing is advancing and you're in the better place now🩷
Back in the day, I wished my father could have "Mike Brady" conversations with the family instead of being a dysregulated rage-aholic. And that my mother could be understanding like Carol Brady and Alice. I watched in awe every Friday night.
Yes, I loved all the dads who were kind and caring. I like Little House on the Prairie because of the sweet interaction of Charles and Caroline and both of them with the kids. It was like looking into the Ingall's window when they're sitting down to dinner with their family and you're a homeless and starving urchin living on the streets. It was great when they would either take children into their home or help find homes for them.
The generations before ours never really had therapy or self help programs unless you were rich or something and could pay for expensive rehabs and seminars
I also liked to read old classic books, like The Secret Garden and A Little Princess by Frances Hodges Burnett, both of which had men who were flawed but in the end were able to help their young relatives/daughter and show them love and concern, which was very lacking with my own dad. Those books were lifesavers.
So awesome to see you two! I found you both at the same time on RUclips and you both have helped me understand myself at 43 years old. What a tremendous surprise this morning to wake up to! Thank you both for all of your work! ❤❤❤
I held my mother accoubtable but had to learn that she wasn't going change and to get past my anger. RUclips was a big help in learning about NPD (she was diagnosed) which helped me understand just how sick she really was. It also helped me understand how her illness affected how I interact with the world (mostly a lot of anger and independant to my own detriment). Honestly, it's all easier to deal with now that she's dead and can't hurt me anymore.
I watch your role play videos so that I can be a better parent. My goal is to empower my daughter and not teach her the traumas I have survived, but teach her the techniques she can use for her future. My dream is to see the hereditary mistakes end. I tell her that she can thank me by being healthy, happy, and successful within HER definition of these things.
You mentioned childhood trauma often being diagnosed as ADHD (happened to me), can you do a video on this please? Would love your insight on why this is happening. Congrats on 200K! So deserved, you help so many!!
I thought this too. Then I realized genetically it was inherited so the neurological was the reason for their behaviours. There is an article on the genes in Genetics Lifehacking about ADHD and the genes. I have a lot of them. Yet, emotionally abuse and inhetited low self esteem were in the abuser's repertoire.
As a 57 year old cptsd, just now listening to you both, until this video I never knew I had cptsd, but listening to you both, just WOW . My wish is, I wish I could have sessions with either of you, you both make so much sense to me, and more importantly you both make me feel somewhat normal at 57. Thank you both…
She mentioned lockdown as being isolating and difficult for people. For me, I got to work from home for 18 months and because our clients were online and did not show up in our office, I had very little work to do. I worked for maybe two hours a day instead of full-time but got paid full time because I was always available, just not slaving away at the files, the copier, showing up on time after being in rush hour. The whole lockdown for me was sublime. I sat on the front porch while I did data entry, made lunch from scratch on my stove, had long conversations with my husband, soaked my feet and gave myself pedicures while listening to group meetings, snuck an occasional nap - I absolutely loved it. I had to downplay all of the fun I had so my coworkers would not get wise about it. I am back in the office, and I got a reprimand because I am not getting up to speed again. Oh well. I had my year and a half of semi-vacation, I gotta get back on the stick.
I realized that by only crying about how hurt my parents were, I was actually gaslighting my inner child. My inner wisdom has prompted me to speak in two voices: One is the mature adult who has developed empathy and understanding for humanity as a whole and my parents in particular. The other voice is how I speak when my inner child is activated. I have no problem now saying "shame on you mom, for making your little girl take all the blame." For the child in me, what is important is simple, direct language that takes responsibility off her shoulders and puts accountablility onto the parent.
This video is so great. I am only in the first 10 mins and I am really thinking about my triggers. My best friend recently passed away. Our relationship was definitely built on trauma bonding from our own drug addicted, alcoholic abusive parents. My best friend taught me how to glorify in my triggers, using them like a badge of honor, even to the point of shaming others for not having the same responses to certain stimulus. Now that she has passed I am really seeing this and how it has prevented me from enjoying my life or just having peace in my life, due to always responding negatively to and avoiding my triggers. The new manager at the store I work in loves country music and that is all that is played during my shifts. At first I thought I might have to quit my job, it was that triggering. Now a few months later, it turns out that I do like some of the songs and they are now part of my playlist. I no longer cringe into myself when I show up for my shift and hear that twang on the radio. I would now like to work on the trigger of yelling; because someone yelling will put me into a panic attack.
Good for you that you stuck it out and got passed the country-music trigger! Maybe your instincts told you it was YOUR trigger and not a dangerous place to be so you didn't quit.
@Xenomorphia I'm 59 years old and I still get triggered by yelling. I also get triggered when I can tell that someone is silently rageful. That's almost scarier to me than yelling, because I'm waiting for the big blowup.
I honestly had not gotten a good vibe from the crappy childhood fairy videos suggested to me, but I appreciate that she inspired you to create this channel. Love the idea of the experiential.
Same and agree. Check out the CPTSD subreddit for many, many sad stories and experiences with Anna as well as research on her background and potential grifter/scam and legal issues with her practicing therapy w/out a license, coaching with a certification, and no one to hold her accountable.@@lesliemctavish4300
I went visited two particular friends for a reprieve from the verbal attacks and physical threats. Once, I spilled a drink at one of the homes and I hid under the table and cried while begging the adult not to be mad at me. Decades later we reconnected and they brought it up as if it was a comedic moment. I’m still trying to learn the triggering process and what that means, but I’m pretty sure that conversation triggered me because I instantly felt shame and rage. I don’t know that I’m ever not triggered.
Damn, Gabriel. I think their response to your trauma reaction was cruel. Even if it came from ignorance, it was still cruel. Your anger and shame aren't unwarranted, but they were probably incapable of understanding that kind of fear/trauma response and their cruelty is invisible to them. I hope you have/find a safe place where you can process your triggers. ❤️
Wow, Gabriel! I would have had the same reaction to being laughed at for being traumatized! They probably weren't trying to be hurtful, but it sounds like they were pretty insensitive to your feelings. Some people are just clueless! I'm sorry that happened to you. I know how it feels to have my feelings invalidated.
You guys are great together! This episode really illuminated some things for me, such as the comment about CPSD overlapping with signs of being on the spectrum and also the points about triggering. I thought triggers made people hysterical. I didn't realise they could make one absent oneself from one's body or the present or withdraw. The parts about nuanced boundaries was also very interesting to me and how anger only takes you so far. I am very good at anger, but very afraid of its consequences.
2 experiences: The first therapist I ever had was such a dud. I become very nervous talking in front of people, because I feel like I have to take of them and keep the convo going. So I always came in with notes. One day I just didn’t have the time to make notes and I came in very anxious, hoping to make it thru without them. And feeling very insecure. And my therapist literally told me: you’re not committed to your therapy, if you come in here and are not prepared or don’t know what you want to talk about. (Thankfully I eventually went on to have better therapists. But I supposed she was too busy getting hickies from her fiancé-which would be visible- instead of applying herself to be a good therapist. Also, I felt like she disliked how much I knew about psychology itself) Second, I had a therapy session once (different person- I just got a fill in appointment because my therapist was out of town). She asked about my diagnoses. And she was so fascinated by one of my obsessions (she even said she didn’t understand that particular branch of OCD) she spent the whole session asking me questions so she could understand the disorder, for her own knowledge. And it had nothing to do with what I wanted to talk about. Lol boy oh boy. But my therapist at present is amazing 👍
I'm so glad I watched this. Your advice to people considering becoming trauma therapists helped me know that I am making the right decision. I'm a year into a MSW program and I originally planned to become a trauma therapist. However, the closer I get to my first internship, the more I think that I don't have enough mastery over my own trauma and cptsd yet. I think that I would be better suited for macro level social work at this point in time while I continue my own therapy and healing.
In the 80's in my teens it was going to the public library psych/med journals and lingering around bookstore shelves to access my research data for free (sans the library xerox copier fees for take-home hardcopies) for my own and my family's/friends' mental and relational crises. The Information Age Explosion through the arc of my adult years just blows my head off!
Omg! The happy smile on my face when I saw this! I’m so excited to watch the whole video, I value both of you and your perspectives and the information + resources you share so much, I don’t even know where I would be in my own healing journey without either of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to both of you for being such lovely people who are so helpful and generous to us all. 🥰♥️✨
Thank you Patrick, for gently, kindly, showing Anna that therapy is, and totally can, do what it’s intended to do. It’s hard for us non-therapists to understand the big picture of therapy when we continue feeling like crap in therapy. Therapists are like trying on shoes. And with the trauma awareness increasing in the therapy world. The odds of finding a great, trauma-informed therapist is much more likely nowadays! Thank God!
Can a therapist who deals with childhood trauma or with people emerging from narcissistic relationships really actually honestly understand what thats like. A bit like a substance abuse therapist who has never had any kind of addiction that they have tried to kick, even if its just tobacco?
My mother picked at her fingernails. Click click click. I could feel her growing agitation. I still feel an adrenaline rush when I hear that sound. I live five hours away now but she still does this and with my dad gone I’m her only scapegoat. She’s 85.
Yes the availability of this identifying information is phenomenal. I'm 68. People, without a CLUE, who said things like "you should be nicer to...." just another blow.... Great discussion you two - THANK YOU
You are not alone. There are enough survivors to be a community of people who empathize and get it because we’ve lived it, emerged aware, educated and continuing to develop through lifelong learning. I’m cheering you on Terri.
The pretty white picket fence where nobody does emotions, but someone (mom) is a covert narcissist and rages when anything went against her need for control.
This is amazing. My introduction to CPTSD was through Anna one year ago. I went through her 8 week coaching intensive in February. Then I read Pete Walker's book CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving. The book opened my eyes to my codependency with my mom; it was earth shattering. After that I used your family cut off video to cut my mom out in June and it's been the best decision of my life. In parallel to watching your videos and Anna's videos I decided to start therapy but with the intent to do EMDR. I'm in Canada and I found the Sarnia Institute of Trauma. I was blessed to find a good therapist there. Since mid-July I've been doing EMDR and then in September I started to do Neurofeedback in parallel at the same place. I've been going once a week with the appointments back to back. I've reprocessed 6 key memories and the results have been amazing. I no longer get triggered, or dysregulated and I don't get emotional flashbacks. The road was very bumpy along the way but 100% worth it. I'm so glad for both of your channels! I feel that now at 35 years old that I am finally starting my life.
Both of you are lifesavers. You're putting so many things I have experienced my whole life into words. I am grateful beyond words for what both of you are doing. 💕
I love how you discuss taking responsibility for your trauma & triggers. It is very refreshing in the current climate of glorifying being a victim & having no agency. I laughed as I imagined a scene or two where someone who was triggered walking past a bar, attacking it on social media, & demanding it be closed because it causes triggers for those with alcohol trauma!
My extended family were very important when I was under five, i loved many people. Aunts, cousins, uncles……However, after my parents divorced, my mother railed against me constantly telling them, “she is just a spoiled brat”. I loved my Aunt bc she showed me love. My mom couldnt stand it. (And she could t stand that I missed and loved my dad) So she villianized me to all of them. I didnt even find out until decades later, at a family event I decided to attend. I could tell by the things they were saying to me none of them knew the truth about almost any part of my life. As time went by, we had less communictaion. I always felt I wasnt good enough so they shunned me (my story) in youth, We were poor, I had nothing fancy or barely new. When I was 30, i almost died and was vey sick for about a year, none of them even contacted me. I was hurt. Wrote them off. At some point I ran into a cousin and she said “oh your mom said you got sick, diarrhea from Mexico or something”. She didnt even tell them I almost died, (not from mexicos diarrhea) had 4 major surgeries, septic, ICU, transfusions, was a moment when docs said she is gonna die and family shoud visit” None of them even new. Was that my life? Thank gawd for you tube and the people like you two, who can reach us out here. Thank you, 🙏 Unfortunately I Did not forgive them or her (my mom) for listening to her. I have no contact with anyone in my family except sporadic contact with oldest brother, none with middle one and decent contact with younger one. Sometimes I cant believe it.
Omg! This video has been so helpful. I now know what plagues me CPTSD! I'm 34 years old who suffer an extermely mentally abusive childhood from a control psychopath of a step-man (he was not a father nor did he want me to call him dad or father) and I've been struggling to figure out all these years why I get triggered by things, lash out at people or cut people off as dead to me when they hurt me. I also have a hell of a time connecting to new people or making friends among many other CPTSD effects. I'm honestly amazed that I managed to find my amazing husband by accident who I have been married to now for year. Now I can finally began a healing journey where I can control my responses to triggers and not be so triggered by my 6 year old step-daughter who I love but drives me crazy sometimes. Thank you!!!
"Why didn't you do something?" My nan worked as a live-in housekeeper and nanny to a psychiatrist, who always said "he's going to have trouble with them in later life," meaning my dad will have trouble with me and my sister due to his toxic behaviour, and my mother's refusal to see the toxicity for what it was. Yet, the psychiatrist did nothing to help us as children. An actual trained professional, who could have helped us, just stood by and watched our trauma worsen, doing absolutely nothing. How mentally ill I would become was continually discussed behind my back, yet nobody helped. It's sickening really. The knock on effect of this was that I became almost obsessed with helping people and being their emotional rock, so they never felt alone. I've stopped now though, because I eventually burnt out to the point of collapse, then I had to redirect all the help I was offering others, to instead help myself. I'm now more picky about who I help.
Oh me too. I created a career around it and was a nurse for 20 years until I really couldn't hold it together anymore. People always say, "what happened to you" "My family, that is what happened to me" really 0 connection with them for the last 40 years. My dad was traumatized by my mother divorcing him but digging further, was traumatized by his family of origin, going back. My mother was 38 and married a 25 year old when I was 17. I was cut out of the family because my younger sister who was 10, would complete the "perfect family". I think she was jealous of me all along. But yeah, I can relate to your comment.
I feel like I’m viewing the divine masculine and feminine/ wounded feminine child, wounded masculine child. Thank you for your stories, venerability, bravery and honesty. Also thank you for passing on the knowledge from your struggles both good and bad.
In clinical child, I had several students surround a cradle holding a student. Each child had a turn having the group doing a Bradshaw experiential. The group members said, "I'm so glad you were born." "I love to be near you." "I love your voice/face/smell." "I'm so happy you are a girl/boy." Every child smiled and loved hearing the words and looking back at smiling faces. I was in the background holding back sobs as the words were music to my heart and it was real to me how badly human children need to hear those kind of words, how not hearing them is emo neglect, and how my heart personally ached also from never having heard them from my mother or father.
I have been self learning from both of you for the last year. I am improving from your insights and education. I am not alone and I am on the right track to having a much better 3rd act of my life. Healing at 63. Finally.
Somehow I discovered both of you about six weeks ago! I'm a 64 yr old woman, psyc degree social worker in Canada. I always thought my ' awareness ' of my childhood trauma was " enough"....Whew such relief knowing I am not alone. Am doing a few things re self-regulation and releasing some trauma through somatic and other body movement work now. I have before, ie,meditations. But with a different goal. Anyhow, excellent conversation btwn the two of you. Thank you so very much for sharing both your knowledge and tools on You Tube.
Wow. So happy I am not the only person brave enough to want to go as deeply as possible to finish processing and rewriting this crap. I am not alone. I am not the worst. I am neurodivergent and I am in good company! Feeling much love and comradery with you two right now. I absolutely understand historical trauma that gets passed down. Been in therapy on and off since early 20s and now in early 60s. Anna, It was all my Dad until my ghost of a Mom became the current issue in protecting the dysfunction from changing. A perpetual state of being triggered without moving into a solution does not help. Love the Crappy Childhood Fairy concept.
It's so frustrating when other family members would always tell me to be nice to my mom. Trying to make her the victim and feeling sorry for her because she had a rough childhood. But I was the child, I needed the help, the niceness and love from my parent. I was acting out for a reason. I just felt attacked. She was the adult, she needed to get her own help so she can help her children. It's not a burden the child should have to deal with when a parent can't be a good parent.
Im so glad you touched on the psychology field needing a little work. I felt like there was something wrong with me that therapy wasnt working like i heard it has helped others. One of my therapist even said things will just click one day and I went to her at least ten times with no improvement at all. I tried hard to explain everything that happened in the EMDR sessions. I feel like it helps when i feel the therapist shows they care.
I walked out of an appt with the only available therapist in my area. Within 10 minutes, she started SIX disagree,ents with me on my terminology. She didn’t like CPTSD at allllllll, she got quite firm on that one. So I stood up and said, “Well, this isn’t going to work. I’m not going to fight with my therapist in order to have my own voice be heard,” and left. Sadly, it’s been almost 6 months, and I can’t find a therapist at all, been on waiting lists for over a year, and I really need help. I’m (sometimes) almost at my breaking point, and there’s not much I can do about it but continue to work on stupid self-regulation (jk, lol). I follow you both and am more grateful for your free stuff on RUclips than I could ever say. Thank you. ❤️
Anna was the first person to introduce me to the science of C-PTSD, a couple of years ago. You both do a great job and I've learned an awful lot about my own issues from your work, so it's great to see you get together and talk.
@14:47 Thanks so much for debunking the old standard psychoanalytic approaches (the unconscious, recreating patterns, fear of intimacy) that are ineffective (forcing one into over-responsibility, shame). Focusing on the physiological basis of trauma, including nervous system dysregulation, really does create new pathways and possibilities! Great highlight!!
Woke up and found this video and it was exactly what I needed. I always knew I wasn’t raised “right” but it took me into my 30s to start truly healing. 💖
thank you both for sharing your insights together. i have learned so much about myself from both of you. thank you for revealing your personal experiences as part of your therapy, it's an effective method for people like me to feel better about my own feelings and reactive mind. no one else has ever (and i'm not exaggerating) inside or outside of therapy explained for me so many important concepts like dysregulation, emotional triggers, and our childhood trauma-based tendencies that have effected my entire life so much. understanding how so much psychological damage can be done to an innocent, trusting, defenseless child has answered so many of my deepest questions. thank you thank you thank you both
I've never even heard of dysregulation until this video. YES there has not been completion! and the services/correct therapists are not out there, helping to address this kind of issue. This is why we watch your videos, we are healing ourselves and figuring out our own needs. this is huge that you just said this.
Am I dreaming...my two favorite people on RUclips... I have c-ptsd and the most helpful thing for me was going to a Buddhist centre and you tube...by miles, I'm 55 and I've lost count of the therapists I've seen.. they did only make me worse I'm sure ... please keep doing what you do guys..you are like magic fairy dust for the pain and anguish...hugs 😘
Wow! Thank you. I really enjoyed this conversation and loved listening to both of you share your experiences. I can relate to Anna in that daily journaling and working with my mind is the way in. Anna, I was angry growing up too. That and nipping out for a cigarette was how I set boundaries!!!!! I can relate to Patrick, in that I struck lucky with a therapist 12 years ago. She was the first truly safe person in my life who had so much insight and compassion. I speak to lots of people who've had negative healing experiences. Lots of therapists don't know about scapegoating or narcissism. It feels like they are using the wrong tools for the job. I work with kids and everything is about mindfulness. I've had kids tell me that they don't want to be told 'do your breathing!' and they would rather be hugged or doodle or go outside. Sitting here nodding because you're soo right - it's about feeling heard and finding your own way. I think a good therapist will empower you to do that.
I’m in Seattle and I went to a wonderful therapist who did Lifespan Integration therapy, she diagnosed me w/ cptsd and I experienced incredible healing for the year and half I was with her before she retired. She was my fourth therapist and her primary focus was trauma. I can feel inside the parts that have been settled and the parts that are still raw and need work and I’ve tried to look for someone else to work with and just haven’t felt the connection. I love both of these amazing people I’m thrilled they did an interview together I follow their work and am so grateful for their RUclips channels, what a gift to all of us.
I just cried for about 1hr and 27 mins 😭 I’m so not ok and I’m so tired of pretending that I’m ok that I don’t even know how to make myself ok…😬🤦🏻♀️ Anyway, I got so many insights into myself in this videos I don’t even know where to start. Thank you for sharing, you are giving a gift to the next generation that can’t even be measured. 🥺
This was BRILLIANT. The collaboration I didn’t know I needed. Just escaped a toxic family system with a cluster B mom and started trauma therapy and starting DBT group tomorrow. I do therapeutic writing too, and have a lot of insight but I still have so many trauma stored in my body. Coming out of the fog…🙌🏽 💡🕊🔥
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As a 57-year-old woman, RUclips has been invaluable to me these past 3 years. I have spent countless hours learning about narcissism, codependency, attachment styles, childhood trauma, core shame, etc. I can actually say that my life and who I turned out to be as an adult finally makes sense. RUclips videos, used in conjunction with my 12-step program for codependency, have been a game changer for me. I have processed and healed so much already and will continue doing so, no doubt, for the rest of my life. What’s so cool, too, is that my grown daughter just started her first semester of grad school to get her masters in counseling (Cal State Fullerton). Between the two of us, we have so much good stuff to chew on each and every day. It was a pleasure listening in on your conversation and thank you both for sharing your insights with us all!
What is a 12 step program for codependency?
@@catwitdabigdog2076 Codependents Anonymous :)
@@NickiNicki140 Believe in yourself. Your soul will direct you to the path you need to be on. This is that voice and gut that speaks to you and you hear it, you know it, yet our soul helps us see the red flags, that have been ignored by denial.
@@catwitdabigdog2076 See Patrick Teahan's RUclips Channel. All the information is there or you can get in touch with him anda learn about this. 🙋♀️🌿
@@Watchingtheuniverse thanks for the links
I cannot even fathom Patrick’s luck of finding a good therapist his first try. At the same time, it clearly happened to the best person because he shared the healing with the rest of us.
You got it! You are so right.
I made so many attempts to find a good therapist. Some sad, disappointing failures. He really did luck out and I'm so happy for him.
@@2degucitas Hope a good therapist will come up on your path 💛💛
Boy, could I use a bit of the Patrick luck in a helper of some sort right now!! Preferably, I'm into a mentor thing more than a mental health professionals type of thing. I need an experience of a steady, wise friend so much I tear up
Well said spider queen. So true!!
CPTSD not being addressed in the DSM-5 leaves so much out when people present as depressed or anxious. Not enough therapists are trained in this, and it kind of takes a person who's gone through it to understand it. A pill for depression or anxiety just prolongs the issues. These videos are a lifeline.
Burn the DSM
What is cptsd I've never heard of it before
@@lisebroder6325 Complex post-traumatic stress disorder
Absolutely. Until Anna, I was in a mailstrom of going round & round of talking therapy, which just didn't help me or my CPTSD at all.
Constructive, action orientated has changed my way of thinking & subsequently my life. 💜
I agree with your sentiments about C-PTSD! Meds do help me from feeling suicidal, and have changed the quality of my life. I will continue with medical and talking therapy as long as they are working for me.
“To be seen meant to be attacked.”
The delicious paradox in that one powerful phrase is that it makes me feel seen by both of you lovely souls, yet comforted instead of attacked. What a novel sensation! Thank you 🥰
This really struck me too! I have always shied away from any kind of spotlight, not wanting to be noticed. It is ingrained deeply into the cells of my body that to be noticed (seen) equals attack (danger). Even though as a 59 year old I know that this is logically not true in most cases, my body and subconscious mind scream at me otherwise.
Being singled out,either for the good or the bad is sooo triggering!
This really struck home for me too. Putting it on the list of things to work on, for sure. I've always been baffled by attention seeking people.
i am so agoraphobic it's really debilitating. i can barely manage to get the mail.
I’m starting to conclude the vast majority of humanity is dysfunctional. Some kids end up narcissistic, some co-dependent, some drug addicts, alcoholics, psychopaths, black sheep, borderline etc. Some get so tired of the repeating the same patterns of destruction - and have enough self awareness, intuition or the fortuitous help of someone else, we try to stop the cycle of suffering for ourselves & our children. Many stay unaware and keep repeating patterns of dysfunction.
I don't think we are naturally that way it is conditioning also living in a sick or corrupt society which includes ours it puts money before people etc. I think we are ok then get put through a meat grinder and come out of the meat grinder holding on for dear life
Many parents repeat their parenting styles generationally.
@@leahflower9924 Exactly! I think the way society is set up is what's churning out the dysfunctional people. So much pressure of having kids whether or not the person is ready of capable, stigma against mental health, the glorification of putting others before you, boundaries being seen as selfish etc. to name a few
Yes. Lately I'm like, who cares who the narcissist is, who cares who the codependent is, etc... The fact that matters is that we're stuck in a toxic cycle and what's important from there is how can I recognize and work on my own triggers that take me out of a mindful, healthy space? I can't protect myself, and sometimes can't even understand what's going on when I'm triggered and that's 100% what I need to figure out. The rest is unnecessary and pretty much delusional if I'm triggered for too long anyway. I can't be stuck in the mud anymore...
@@Vampress09well, great! Now NOONEs having kids. That’s also toxic.
This is like a superhero movie when you have C-PTSD ♥♥♥
Ha ha!
For sure!!
this is the best crossover for my mental health haha 😂😂
FOR REAL!!
Exactly!!! 😂❤️❤️❤️
What a delight to see my faves collaborate.
Anna also chatted with Emma from Therapy in a Nutshell tooo
It’s GOT to be a ‘takes one to know one’ kind of therapist… it’s the difference between Nancy Reagan , Just say no, and a real addict/alcoholic ex: Betty Ford… for me? If you haven’t been there? You just don’t know…
+1
Thanks guys!
Yes, yes, yes! Thank you, Anna and Patrick, for your websites -- already a fan and subscriber -- and for your collaboration.
Forget infinity War, this is the crossover of a lifetime
I came in to make this exact comment. This is the team up I’ve been waiting for.
You beat me to it! lol
even better than marvel vs. capcom
Yesssss!! The two people who have helped me so much teaming up 😍
FOREAL😭😭💛
The first sensory trigger that shook me to the core as an adult: I was at a backyard party with my kids who were 5 and 7, where we didn't know the hosts well. It was getting late and the kids were hungry, so I wandered into the kitchen to see when the food might be served. There was a woman leaning on a counter who had long red fingernails, and was holding a cocktail glass and a lit cigarette in the same hand, her head thrown back laughing much too loudly, with lipstick smeared on her teeth. The ice cubes in her glass were tinkling, and her bracelets were jangling. She shot me an annoyed glance and said, impatiently, the food would be ready whenever it was ready. I was so triggered I panicked and grabbed my kids, and we left immediately. I was shaken up for hours. I don't know why my strong gut reaction really caught me by surprise. It should have been so obvious.
Good for you for ditching that toxic situation.
That's a wonderful description. I had a similar experience when in a public park, where a dad was playing chase with his young son. Having spyed this, I nearly leapt out of my shoes. I realised that the only time my own father chased me like that was just before I was about to get popped.
Well, no one likes a …
@@catwitdabigdog2076 Do you mean hit/spanked😰That is so sad and triggering when whe see other kids being so loved and cared about, and it is something that we craved and lacked of. I saw that very often in recent year, the really good caring father, who loved his children equally, and that was really waking up my own hurts and resentments toward my father.
Leaving was the very best response to that b.s
This was so insightful. 62 yr old mom of 6 . Started my healthy recovery 14 mo ago. Finding Patrick is a God send. I just love this guy.
I love that you brought up being a parent in therapy. I grew up with trauma. My parents grew up with trauma. I am learning, and am responsible for hurting my children unintentionally. It has caused an immense amount of guilt and shame around my parenting. I am with a good trauma therapist now. And am open and honest with my children about my mistakes and honoring their feelings and memories. It is all I can do right now. Thank you for your work Patrick. And thank you “Crappy childhood fairy”.
Me too. I never meant for my kids to go through what they have. I was so stupid.
I'm third out of many here... As much as it hurts to realize how much trauma I caused to my kids, I remind myself that I did what I could've had done in the wilderness of raging drama driven dynamics and now trying to heal and make up for my mistakes with them and finally do it right even when it's too hard because the PTSD is still holding me in easily dysregulated me but God willing and all my efforts and hopefully a good therapist will get me out of that grasp and power will be all mine and I wish it with all ofy heart and pray God that every parent struggling with the healing would get the breakthrough fast so kids are no sofferng as we did🩷🙏🩷
I love the Laura Ingalls Wilder books too. They give me me a cozy secure vibe. Books were always an escape for me, but i also liked TV show like Full House that showed healthy family dynamics. I didnt know at the time why I was so drawn to these family depictions, because I would have called them "corny or unrealistic". Now I see how the family I created with my husband and children are closer to that image than I would have thought possible. We can openly support each other. We can talk about hard things and difficult feelings. We can love each other when it's hard!
My rage-aholic father forbade us from watching Full House because it "creeped him out." yay. Also Mr. Rogers.
Huh. You know, I've always felt my whole life, even as a child, that TV shows with loving families were fake nonsense and they literally grossed me out, I thought they were creepy. But it's because my own family was so anti-love and I had no idea what to do with healthy feelings.
@@thegreatdream8427 Not the TV shows, but men who are normal regular "dad" types creep me out. Probably, this is because MY Dad was weird and inappropriate and was zero a father figure or even around, for that matter. I remember loving Little House on the Prairie and hating Michael Landon's character because he was too creepy normal dad-ish. LOL! Funny but not funny.
I watched little house on the prairie during the pandemic and I bawled so many times watching that’s show. It helped me get through that time
Good job of turning it around ❤️
"anger is just a step off the floor of suicidal depression" THANK YOU.
I think I only recently accessed the anger beyond the depression thanks to these videos, and I am starting to actually process through that as well for the first time. Thank you both for leading the way out of pit. ❤️
About how far into the video is that? Would love to send it to someone dealing with anger.
@@cyranothe2nd Towards the end, 1:07:40 ; a bit before is helpful context.
Comedian Steven Wright said,"Depression is just anger without the enthusiasm."
Nailed it.
@@pennyduncan6861 There is so much more to depression than that. And I believe anger can be a stepping stone out of abuse-triggered depression but it isn't the core cause.
Anna is so relatable and her insight and vulnerability is beautiful. She embraces her humanity and has inspired me to do the same. She talks true and talks straight. She and Patrick share their wisdom because they are connected to themselves and have the ability to connect to many of us. They are independent, together. I love this collaboration.
Nicely said!!!
You're absolutely right on "not all therapists know everything." I'm not sure how many people I've seen before I found my current one - who was actually listed on the healthcare website as being knowledgeable about trans* people. What a relief to get help without having to educate at the same time!! Plus the blessing that she recognized my PTSD when we met; she's made a huge difference in my life.
I don't know if I found the one yet but that one was the most significant one..... And the knowledging that "yes this is PTSD!" It's a relief to be validated by someone who is an expert..... Like "IM NOT CRAZY" 🤯
I feel you! It wasn't until I got another trans individual as my therapist that I actually felt heard and finally diagnosed with c-ptsd.
I think some greedy therapists just put that there to try to get more clients. They think “errrr I dont hate trans people so yeah Ill put that!” Not that they even have any real experience with the struggles of trans people
I've been in therapy for as long as i can remember. I grew up a ward in the system. Taking a break from therapy and using both or your clarification videos are helping me so much more. I always felt like i really felt safe and heard but I just tried to convince them I'm okay. I am greatful for gaining clarity by subcribing.
I feel that, one of the many things that kept me away from trying treatment was being worried about gatekeeping and csi ignorance.
the two of my safe people in the internet, love you guys so much.
We love the crappy childhood fairy. Thanks Anna for Patrick.. We love you too.
Anna is the reason I put on my jacket while hearing her video and went and ended a toxic relationship.
Wow! thanks.
And I when you asked the question how does one even know who qualifies as a therapist without having to go through 11 of them.
If someone is going to minister to children who are suffering and unhealthy situation the therapist is going to have to have been through what the child is going through the therapist can’t be a Normie uneducated Normie they do not understand
Yay! How wonderful to see the empowering of our Fairy yield good fruits!!!🩷🩷🩷
two of my favourite human beings doing collab. Thanks Anna and Patrick for single handedly giving our traumatised little souls some hope. you are incredible!
On a sidenote: when Patrick says "I get nervous before playing on stage, because in childhood being seen means being attacked" THIS IS SO PROFOUND. i've been feeling this attack every time Im doing anything creative, and I was trying to put this into words for years.
Eva.... This was a "brainstorm" to me, literally, being 31 and still have that kick about being on the spotlight (I didn't even being able to finish university because of that) it's scary AF
Agree 💯. Being productive, much less creative is a huge challenge in front of other ppl. And don't even get me started about job interviews or training in a new job. Being "trained" in childhood by an overly critical, raging parent watching (literally) over the shoulder from behind me gave me the exact opposite of a "I've got this" or any resemblance of confidence. I mean really?! What was my dad thinking? It's feels like it was deliberate sabotage. And I have an extremely difficult time feeling otherwise. Some ppl r just damn mean.
Totally relate. Im naturally a extrovert but have performance anxiety/stage fright and I believe that is 100% because of that feeling of being seen means being attacked, it means making yourself vunrable.
"In our childhood to be seen was to be attacked." Sadly I relate to that statement very much. I know this is where my performance anxiety/stage fright comes from.
Hearing you guys talk about your experiences is therapeutic in and of itself. Thanks for sharing this with us!!
Holy cow...."I am a normal person who had an abnormal injury and it's not my fault..." That rang through my entire body like a bell. THAT is the question that has been hiding inside me and tormenting me into disregulation forever. That question- "Am I normal? Was these things that were done to me actually awful and did I deserve it, somehow..." Thank you Patrick and Anna I think I can lay this down at least for a few moments after listening to you guys talk. I think maybe you can understand my profound relief? I am not an awful person who deserved to be ground down and then thrown away....
Reading your comment I connected. I see your pain, your isolation, and confusion. We can trust ourselves, we can figure out our triggers, and work on them, and we can create new relationships. ❤️ You got this 😁
It broke my heart when Anna talked about being able to smell the "renal failure" in public restrooms. That is so sad...
I am not a big fan of people who think being a victim is all fabricated nonsense. The horrific things human do to each other and the other non human citizens, it’s hard to believe few people have not been victimized.
I am in awe that not everyone needs therapy ; )
I spent too much time wasted with therapists who didn’t get it. Thank you for being you, and for being here, Patrick!
I find when my sense of smell leads me to a painful memory, it helps to take a wee whiff out of a tiny vial I keep in my pocket. It contains mineral salts with essential oil dropped in; a scent that I love and feel good about. It snaps my brain out of that uglier place. So far, gardenia and jasmine are my favorites. But eucalyptus and mint are refreshing as well. Helps to re-regulate. Walks help, too.
Like you, smells are significant triggers. Having a rescue sent is a great tool for sanity in so many situations.
@@catherinebullock9748 “rescue scent” is a great name for it!
Wow, what an innovative idea.
I ❤️ this idea!
This conversation was excellent and so helpful to me. As a hypnotherapist with CPTSD who is questioning how to be more effective in working with my trauma-affected clients, I am in awe of you two. Loving this conversation and look forward to learning/conversing more with you. Big kudos for the work you are doing.
Thanks for trying to understand CPTSD and help your clients/patients....
I wish I had an hypnotherapy expert near me
@@JoJohXD 💝 There aren't enough of us willing to do this work. I believe the most effective therapists and hypnotherapists are those who have CPTSD; those who have done the work to heal. I am still learning and I have been doing this for 25 years.
It’s absurd to me that the professionals I’ve seen seem to have no clue how to properly respond when I tell my story. It’s crazy to me that they didn’t respond better, like “wow, that’s a lot for a kid to go through. That must have been very confusing and scary. Do you want to talk about how that was for you?” Nope. Just suggestions or silence, or some stupid sound response, like “ah”. I’m not trained and I know how to empathically listen to show support and help create “space” for a person to feel seen and heard.
Watching girl interrupted clued me into the fact I might be borderline guess who didn't clue me in? A therapist lol
That is absolutely the most frustrating reason I have avoided therapy- the few times I’ve tried, I ended up triggered and I always left in worse condition, feeling ignored, and honestly invisible.
@@jrojala I can't even count how many terrible experiences I've had in therapy! There have been some really good experiences, when I did feel heard and validated. But many more when I, like you, ended up triggered and left feeling worse than when I walked in.
I have trusted therapists with some of the really off-the-wall things my mother did/said to me, and I could tell by their reaction that they didn't believe me.
NO WAY!! I just discovered both of you within the last few weeks and I've been watching both channels daily! I haven't watched this yet but I have a hunch this is going to to be GREAT!
You are both heroes 💪 ❤ 🙌
Patrick, damn you are on fire with the videos lately. I appreciate you sharing yourself personally and some of the professional challenges in the system with brave honesty. I feel validated and less alone, in spite of how lonely I am, hearing your thoughts. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I’m so ashamed of my loneliness.
Whoo, I believe I might be old enough to BE your parent, and recently fully realized how abused I was. And the resources available in my childhood were non-existent. Learning to deal with my own CPTSD at my age is a really big job. It is like a wash of clean rain to hear people actually talking about this stuff. Aloud. Wow. And the resources...now I can find so much to help me.
"What works for you or doesn't..." that is GOLD, and having so many choices and so much information available is such a blessing. Hearing you discuss this is great.
In my case I did see how my parents were survivors of stuff and that made it difficult to hold them accountable. It is been hard to reach the anger. Now I am in that space to go further.
So many magical empowering words here. Thanks for doing this video. Thanks to you both for the resources.
I'm 37 and to this day whenever I hear approaching footsteps my heart races, adrenaline pumps and I get incredibly anxious. Even if I know it's just my neighbor walking around her apartment, it's so instant and uncontrollable. I'm aware of it and I know exactly why that makes me feel that way but it still happens. I really want to not experience that anymore.
@Dawn Chandler I am the same! I get triggered by certain smells, sounds, tones of voice, places, etc, all the time. I also am fully aware of WHY it is triggering me, but it still happens. This is because trauma embeds itself into our bodies and the neural pathways of our brains. It's not our fault! But is difficult to live with.
I usually don't share my abuse stories with most people, because I usually get a response like "Just let go of the past, don't dwell on it", which is not helpful at all!
So it sounds like you may be stuck in a mental trauma loop FROM THE PAST. The best way to SHIFT loops is to ACCEPT THEM & MOVE INTO THE PRESENT TIME. First, I force my breathing to slow down by counting 4 inhale, 2 HOLD, 4EXHALE, 2 HOLD AND, I tell myself, OUTLOUD" i understand that this is making me afraid & I HEAR YOU AND i PROMISE I AM TAKING CARE OF MYSELF & i AM SAFE" i AM SAFE & i can let go of this grief/pain & fear. I GOT THIS, I AM TAKING CARE OF THIS " And i ALWAYS HUG my body (because it stops the body's reaction) I know it sounds cheesy but just talking out loud with a blanket or hugging a pillow opens the trauma up to allow BIGGER parts of your brain to process our pain. Words & commands spoken out loud get processed in our FRONT LOBES (silence keeps fear locked in the lower unconscious). SELF-TALK works as does RELAXING YOUR BODY- with meditation/yoga/heavy blankets/ASMR videos/HOT HERBAL sleepy TEA etc. Just admitting it helps!
These two have the best journal-writing prompts in the community! 🤓💖🌟🙏
Agree with "don't stop at anger". In my experience, anger is like the finger pointing at the moon. It will show you where the problem is, but it is not the answer.
For me, a few valuable takeaways: “To be seen [was/] is to be attacked.” “It was so much love I couldn’t handle it” until I was in my forties and had kids and could take it in. “How similar CPSD is to isolation.” “My private victory. . . . I was so proud of myself. . . . To have a choice about it.”
Thank you, Patrick and Anna.
Loved how they touched on the difficulties with therapy. Last year, when trying therapy myself for the narcissistic family system I grew up in, I was told "you know, someday your own son will be in therapy complaining about you." It was incredibly hurtful.
How unethical and unprofessional. You will be a blessing, ally and advocate to your children just as I have to mine. That therapist probably recognised some of her own behaviours in your family members.
@@franceslock1662 100% agree with your response to Rosalyn. How incredibly messed up for someone to say that, especially in therapy where you have to be vulnerable and try to trust the person you're opening up to. Roslyn, I am so sorry you had that experience.
Oh, my mother, who parentified ans neglected me emotionally, likes to say that to me 😂
That is my biggest fear... not being able to stop the damage and trauma generationally. I am an only child and I have an only child. It's just us. I am imperfect and have moments of dysregulation. But no where near as traumatic as I experienced. But that's irrelevant and that makes me sad.
60 here from Canada 🇨🇦 3 years ago I had an emergency surgery afterwards I realized truly decided to stop denying my trauma my pain needed to begin on my own personal healing still working on personal development learning opportunities from a lot of dysfunctional destructive self and wow I am a human being one day at a time getting to know myself whoever I am one step at a time peace Patrick and Anna
God bless you both 🙏 ❤️
Today 04:11:23
I practice self love and self care concepts accepting myself completely all my perfect imperfections all my weaknesses not only my strengths all my flaws are the distorted self concepts
All my fears & resentments as well as recognizing my security confidence discernment agency
God is good & just and this is the truth yay 🙏👌
☝️
(6 months ago)
📩
60 here from Canada 🇨🇦 3 years ago I had an emergency surgery afterwards I realized truly decided to stop denying my trauma my pain needed to begin on my own personal healing still working on personal development learning opportunities from a lot of dysfunctional destructive self (distorted) concepts and wow I am a human being one day at a time getting to know myself whoever I am one step at a time peace Patrick and Anna
God bless you both 🙏 ❤️
A Chat With The Crappy Childhood Fairy - Anna Runkle
Yes! My therapists kept taking me thru my childhood - Ive forgiven my family a long time ago- help me live now!!!! Teach me how to live now!!
Exactly. I don't want to talk endlessly about my parents. They are both dead now anyway. I just want to sort out what they did to me and fix it, so I can have a a good and healthy rest of my life.
Joining 12 step adult children of alcoholics groups at 30 really helped me end my self defeating behaviors.
One of my family members who emotionally & physically destroyed me when we were kids apologized, I stupidly forgave her like it was totally fine knowing I’d still resent her for practically playing a part of ruinining me. Sorry doesn’t fix wounds I’ll never get to be a child again
Usually the apology is only because they want something from you. Actions mean something an abuser's words are wind.
You forgave her and if you meant it it's only will benefit you to let it go. Because it is true you won't be ever a child again, but now if you have less burden to carry by letting go of that resentment - it'll be beneficial for you and for her, if she was sincerely Sorry for hunting you.
Hope your healing is advancing and you're in the better place now🩷
Back in the day, I wished my father could have "Mike Brady" conversations with the family instead of being a dysregulated rage-aholic. And that my mother could be understanding like Carol Brady and Alice. I watched in awe every Friday night.
Yes, I loved all the dads who were kind and caring. I like Little House on the Prairie because of the sweet interaction of Charles and Caroline and both of them with the kids. It was like looking into the Ingall's window when they're sitting down to dinner with their family and you're a homeless and starving urchin living on the streets. It was great when they would either take children into their home or help find homes for them.
The generations before ours never really had therapy or self help programs unless you were rich or something and could pay for expensive rehabs and seminars
I also liked to read old classic books, like The Secret Garden and A Little Princess by Frances Hodges Burnett, both of which had men who were flawed but in the end were able to help their young relatives/daughter and show them love and concern, which was very lacking with my own dad. Those books were lifesavers.
So awesome to see you two! I found you both at the same time on RUclips and you both have helped me understand myself at 43 years old. What a tremendous surprise this morning to wake up to! Thank you both for all of your work! ❤❤❤
What a great collab with The Crappy Childhood Fairy. Both of you have helped me greatly with healing from my childhood traumas and CPTSD.
I held my mother accoubtable but had to learn that she wasn't going change and to get past my anger. RUclips was a big help in learning about NPD (she was diagnosed) which helped me understand just how sick she really was. It also helped me understand how her illness affected how I interact with the world (mostly a lot of anger and independant to my own detriment). Honestly, it's all easier to deal with now that she's dead and can't hurt me anymore.
"To be seen was to be attacked" Damn! It's like my whole life makes sense now!
MY TWO TOP CPTSD RUclips RESOURCES COLLABING IM SO EXCITED!
Mine too. I like Heidi Priebe also.
I watch your role play videos so that I can be a better parent. My goal is to empower my daughter and not teach her the traumas I have survived, but teach her the techniques she can use for her future. My dream is to see the hereditary mistakes end. I tell her that she can thank me by being healthy, happy, and successful within HER definition of these things.
You mentioned childhood trauma often being diagnosed as ADHD (happened to me), can you do a video on this please? Would love your insight on why this is happening. Congrats on 200K! So deserved, you help so many!!
I thought this too. Then I realized genetically it was inherited so the neurological was the reason for their behaviours. There is an article on the genes in Genetics Lifehacking about ADHD and the genes. I have a lot of them. Yet, emotionally abuse and inhetited low self esteem were in the abuser's repertoire.
Yessss
As a 57 year old cptsd, just now listening to you both, until this video I never knew I had cptsd, but listening to you both, just WOW . My wish is, I wish I could have sessions with either of you, you both make so much sense to me, and more importantly you both make me feel somewhat normal at 57. Thank you both…
She mentioned lockdown as being isolating and difficult for people. For me, I got to work from home for 18 months and because our clients were online and did not show up in our office, I had very little work to do. I worked for maybe two hours a day instead of full-time but got paid full time because I was always available, just not slaving away at the files, the copier, showing up on time after being in rush hour.
The whole lockdown for me was sublime. I sat on the front porch while I did data entry, made lunch from scratch on my stove, had long conversations with my husband, soaked my feet and gave myself pedicures while listening to group meetings, snuck an occasional nap - I absolutely loved it. I had to downplay all of the fun I had so my coworkers would not get wise about it. I am back in the office, and I got a reprimand because I am not getting up to speed again. Oh well. I had my year and a half of semi-vacation, I gotta get back on the stick.
I realized that by only crying about how hurt my parents were, I was actually gaslighting my inner child. My inner wisdom has prompted me to speak in two voices: One is the mature adult who has developed empathy and understanding for humanity as a whole and my parents in particular. The other voice is how I speak when my inner child is activated. I have no problem now saying "shame on you mom, for making your little girl take all the blame." For the child in me, what is important is simple, direct language that takes responsibility off her shoulders and puts accountablility onto the parent.
That is great. That helps me a lot. ❤
So glad this helps!
This video is so great. I am only in the first 10 mins and I am really thinking about my triggers. My best friend recently passed away. Our relationship was definitely built on trauma bonding from our own drug addicted, alcoholic abusive parents. My best friend taught me how to glorify in my triggers, using them like a badge of honor, even to the point of shaming others for not having the same responses to certain stimulus. Now that she has passed I am really seeing this and how it has prevented me from enjoying my life or just having peace in my life, due to always responding negatively to and avoiding my triggers. The new manager at the store I work in loves country music and that is all that is played during my shifts. At first I thought I might have to quit my job, it was that triggering. Now a few months later, it turns out that I do like some of the songs and they are now part of my playlist. I no longer cringe into myself when I show up for my shift and hear that twang on the radio. I would now like to work on the trigger of yelling; because someone yelling will put me into a panic attack.
Good for you that you stuck it out and got passed the country-music trigger! Maybe your instincts told you it was YOUR trigger and not a dangerous place to be so you didn't quit.
@Xenomorphia I'm 59 years old and I still get triggered by yelling. I also get triggered when I can tell that someone is silently rageful. That's almost scarier to me than yelling, because I'm waiting for the big blowup.
I honestly had not gotten a good vibe from the crappy childhood fairy videos suggested to me, but I appreciate that she inspired you to create this channel. Love the idea of the experiential.
I was in Anna's program. I can't endorse it.
Same and agree. Check out the CPTSD subreddit for many, many sad stories and experiences with Anna as well as research on her background and potential grifter/scam and legal issues with her practicing therapy w/out a license, coaching with a certification, and no one to hold her accountable.@@lesliemctavish4300
Hey Patrick, would love a video exploring the term “sexually off” in depth!
Agreed. If it has been done I just have to find it. I’m relatively new to the channel.
Yes! Deviant, weird, and liberated was held up as REAL, and Leave It To Beaver was the “stupid, dumb, and hokey” that I sought for perspective.
I went visited two particular friends for a reprieve from the verbal attacks and physical threats. Once, I spilled a drink at one of the homes and I hid under the table and cried while begging the adult not to be mad at me. Decades later we reconnected and they brought it up as if it was a comedic moment. I’m still trying to learn the triggering process and what that means, but I’m pretty sure that conversation triggered me because I instantly felt shame and rage. I don’t know that I’m ever not triggered.
❤🩹
Damn, Gabriel. I think their response to your trauma reaction was cruel. Even if it came from ignorance, it was still cruel. Your anger and shame aren't unwarranted, but they were probably incapable of understanding that kind of fear/trauma response and their cruelty is invisible to them. I hope you have/find a safe place where you can process your triggers. ❤️
Your response was justified. Them making fun of your trauma response (whether intentional or not) was very insensitive.
Wow, Gabriel! I would have had the same reaction to being laughed at for being traumatized! They probably weren't trying to be hurtful, but it sounds like they were pretty insensitive to your feelings. Some people are just clueless! I'm sorry that happened to you. I know how it feels to have my feelings invalidated.
You guys are great together! This episode really illuminated some things for me, such as the comment about CPSD overlapping with signs of being on the spectrum and also the points about triggering. I thought triggers made people hysterical. I didn't realise they could make one absent oneself from one's body or the present or withdraw. The parts about nuanced boundaries was also very interesting to me and how anger only takes you so far. I am very good at anger, but very afraid of its consequences.
The meeting of Great CPTSD expert minds 🤗👏👌
2 experiences:
The first therapist I ever had was such a dud. I become very nervous talking in front of people, because I feel like I have to take of them and keep the convo going. So I always came in with notes. One day I just didn’t have the time to make notes and I came in very anxious, hoping to make it thru without them. And feeling very insecure. And my therapist literally told me: you’re not committed to your therapy, if you come in here and are not prepared or don’t know what you want to talk about. (Thankfully I eventually went on to have better therapists. But I supposed she was too busy getting hickies from her fiancé-which would be visible- instead of applying herself to be a good therapist. Also, I felt like she disliked how much I knew about psychology itself)
Second, I had a therapy session once (different person- I just got a fill in appointment because my therapist was out of town). She asked about my diagnoses. And she was so fascinated by one of my obsessions (she even said she didn’t understand that particular branch of OCD) she spent the whole session asking me questions so she could understand the disorder, for her own knowledge. And it had nothing to do with what I wanted to talk about.
Lol boy oh boy. But my therapist at present is amazing 👍
wow, that sounds super difficult! I'm glad you were able to find a great therapist
@@rebeccarisk1772 thank you 🙏 me too
Yes, please do this again! You are both so authentic, real, clear and just a pure blessing! So so helpful! Thank you both!! 🙏❤☀️
Thank you for recording this open dialogue, it’s so comforting to know I’m not alone and there is hope!
I'm so glad I watched this. Your advice to people considering becoming trauma therapists helped me know that I am making the right decision. I'm a year into a MSW program and I originally planned to become a trauma therapist. However, the closer I get to my first internship, the more I think that I don't have enough mastery over my own trauma and cptsd yet. I think that I would be better suited for macro level social work at this point in time while I continue my own therapy and healing.
“I was trained to use my story to make my present better” THIS omg
26:56 for that part
This is the crossover episode of all time! Please please more of these conversations & collabs! Amazing
In the 80's in my teens it was going to the public library psych/med journals and lingering around bookstore shelves to access my research data for free (sans the library xerox copier fees for take-home hardcopies) for my own and my family's/friends' mental and relational crises. The Information Age Explosion through the arc of my adult years just blows my head off!
Omg! The happy smile on my face when I saw this! I’m so excited to watch the whole video, I value both of you and your perspectives and the information + resources you share so much, I don’t even know where I would be in my own healing journey without either of you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to both of you for being such lovely people who are so helpful and generous to us all. 🥰♥️✨
Thank you Patrick, for gently, kindly, showing Anna that therapy is, and totally can, do what it’s intended to do. It’s hard for us non-therapists to understand the big picture of therapy when we continue feeling like crap in therapy. Therapists are like trying on shoes. And with the trauma awareness increasing in the therapy world. The odds of finding a great, trauma-informed therapist is much more likely nowadays! Thank God!
But paying just to try on the shoes...
Can a therapist who deals with childhood trauma or with people emerging from narcissistic relationships really actually honestly understand what thats like. A bit like a substance abuse therapist who has never had any kind of addiction that they have tried to kick, even if its just tobacco?
The sound of a fingernail tapping on a wooden table does it to me. My mom always did that before one of her BPD explosions.
My mother picked at her fingernails. Click click click. I could feel her growing agitation. I still feel an adrenaline rush when I hear that sound. I live five hours away now but she still does this and with my dad gone I’m her only scapegoat. She’s 85.
Yes the availability of this identifying information is phenomenal. I'm 68. People, without a CLUE, who said things like "you should be nicer to...." just another blow.... Great discussion you two - THANK YOU
Thank you both so much. What a wonderful authentic conversation. Thank you for the reminder that I’m not alone.
You are not alone. There are enough survivors to be a community of people who empathize and get it because we’ve lived it, emerged aware, educated and continuing to develop through lifelong learning. I’m cheering you on Terri.
The pretty white picket fence where nobody does emotions, but someone (mom) is a covert narcissist and rages when anything went against her need for control.
Ditto and my tears begin to flow.
@@bizlarry 🤗 ❤️🩹
Hearing this podcast, it feels like I'm with close friends that I don't have to be on constant guard with. Just comfortable. Safe.
This is amazing. My introduction to CPTSD was through Anna one year ago. I went through her 8 week coaching intensive in February. Then I read Pete Walker's book CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving. The book opened my eyes to my codependency with my mom; it was earth shattering.
After that I used your family cut off video to cut my mom out in June and it's been the best decision of my life. In parallel to watching your videos and Anna's videos I decided to start therapy but with the intent to do EMDR. I'm in Canada and I found the Sarnia Institute of Trauma. I was blessed to find a good therapist there.
Since mid-July I've been doing EMDR and then in September I started to do Neurofeedback in parallel at the same place. I've been going once a week with the appointments back to back. I've reprocessed 6 key memories and the results have been amazing. I no longer get triggered, or dysregulated and I don't get emotional flashbacks. The road was very bumpy along the way but 100% worth it.
I'm so glad for both of your channels! I feel that now at 35 years old that I am finally starting my life.
Both of you are lifesavers. You're putting so many things I have experienced my whole life into words. I am grateful beyond words for what both of you are doing. 💕
I love how you discuss taking responsibility for your trauma & triggers.
It is very refreshing in the current climate of glorifying being a victim & having no agency.
I laughed as I imagined a scene or two where someone who was triggered walking past a bar, attacking it on social media, & demanding it be closed because it causes triggers for those with alcohol trauma!
I "remothered" myself along mothering my kids.
That’s beautiful, I’m glad to hear it. Sending warm wishes to you.
My extended family were very important when I was under five, i loved many people. Aunts, cousins, uncles……However, after my parents divorced, my mother railed against me constantly telling them, “she is just a spoiled brat”. I loved my Aunt bc she showed me love. My mom couldnt stand it. (And she could t stand that I missed and loved my dad)
So she villianized me to all of them. I didnt even find out until decades later, at a family event I decided to attend. I could tell by the things they were saying to me none of them knew the truth about almost any part of my life.
As time went by, we had less communictaion. I always felt I wasnt good enough so they shunned me (my story) in youth, We were poor, I had nothing fancy or barely new. When I was 30, i almost died and was vey sick for about a year, none of them even contacted me. I was hurt. Wrote them off.
At some point I ran into a cousin and she said “oh your mom said you got sick, diarrhea from Mexico or something”. She didnt even tell them I almost died, (not from mexicos diarrhea) had 4 major surgeries, septic, ICU, transfusions, was a moment when docs said she is gonna die and family shoud visit” None of them even new. Was that my life? Thank gawd for you tube and the people like you two, who can reach us out here. Thank you, 🙏
Unfortunately I Did not forgive them or her (my mom) for listening to her. I have no contact with anyone in my family except sporadic contact with oldest brother, none with middle one and decent contact with younger one. Sometimes I cant believe it.
Same but different x
Omg! This video has been so helpful. I now know what plagues me CPTSD! I'm 34 years old who suffer an extermely mentally abusive childhood from a control psychopath of a step-man (he was not a father nor did he want me to call him dad or father) and I've been struggling to figure out all these years why I get triggered by things, lash out at people or cut people off as dead to me when they hurt me. I also have a hell of a time connecting to new people or making friends among many other CPTSD effects. I'm honestly amazed that I managed to find my amazing husband by accident who I have been married to now for year. Now I can finally began a healing journey where I can control my responses to triggers and not be so triggered by my 6 year old step-daughter who I love but drives me crazy sometimes. Thank you!!!
"Why didn't you do something?"
My nan worked as a live-in housekeeper and nanny to a psychiatrist, who always said "he's going to have trouble with them in later life," meaning my dad will have trouble with me and my sister due to his toxic behaviour, and my mother's refusal to see the toxicity for what it was. Yet, the psychiatrist did nothing to help us as children. An actual trained professional, who could have helped us, just stood by and watched our trauma worsen, doing absolutely nothing. How mentally ill I would become was continually discussed behind my back, yet nobody helped. It's sickening really.
The knock on effect of this was that I became almost obsessed with helping people and being their emotional rock, so they never felt alone. I've stopped now though, because I eventually burnt out to the point of collapse, then I had to redirect all the help I was offering others, to instead help myself.
I'm now more picky about who I help.
Oh me too. I created a career around it and was a nurse for 20 years until I really couldn't hold it together anymore. People always say, "what happened to you"
"My family, that is what happened to me" really 0 connection with them for the last 40 years. My dad was traumatized by my mother divorcing him but digging further, was traumatized by his family of origin, going back.
My mother was 38 and married a 25 year old when I was 17. I was cut out of the family because my younger sister who was 10, would complete the "perfect family". I think she was jealous of me all along. But yeah, I can relate to your comment.
I feel like I’m viewing the divine masculine and feminine/ wounded feminine child, wounded masculine child. Thank you for your stories, venerability, bravery and honesty. Also thank you for passing on the knowledge from your struggles both good and bad.
In clinical child, I had several students surround a cradle holding a student. Each child had a turn having the group doing a Bradshaw experiential. The group members said, "I'm so glad you were born."
"I love to be near you." "I love your voice/face/smell." "I'm so happy you are a girl/boy." Every child smiled and loved hearing the words and looking back at smiling faces.
I was in the background holding back sobs as the words were music to my heart and it was real to me how badly human children need to hear those kind of words, how not hearing them is emo neglect, and how my heart personally ached also from never having heard them from my mother or father.
I have been self learning from both of you for the last year. I am improving from your insights and education. I am not alone and I am on the right track to having a much better 3rd act of my life. Healing at 63. Finally.
Somehow I discovered both of you about six weeks ago! I'm a 64 yr old woman, psyc degree social worker in Canada.
I always thought my ' awareness ' of my childhood trauma was " enough"....Whew such relief knowing I am not alone.
Am doing a few things re self-regulation and releasing some trauma through somatic and other body movement work now. I have before, ie,meditations. But with a different goal.
Anyhow, excellent conversation btwn the two of you. Thank you so very much for sharing both your knowledge and tools on You Tube.
Wow. So happy I am not the only person brave enough to want to go as deeply as possible to finish processing and rewriting this crap. I am not alone. I am not the worst. I am neurodivergent and I am in good company! Feeling much love and comradery with you two right now. I absolutely understand historical trauma that gets passed down. Been in therapy on and off since early 20s and now in early 60s. Anna, It was all my Dad until my ghost of a Mom became the current issue in protecting the dysfunction from changing. A perpetual state of being triggered without moving into a solution does not help. Love the Crappy Childhood Fairy concept.
It's so frustrating when other family members would always tell me to be nice to my mom. Trying to make her the victim and feeling sorry for her because she had a rough childhood. But I was the child, I needed the help, the niceness and love from my parent. I was acting out for a reason. I just felt attacked. She was the adult, she needed to get her own help so she can help her children. It's not a burden the child should have to deal with when a parent can't be a good parent.
Im so glad you touched on the psychology field needing a little work. I felt like there was something wrong with me that therapy wasnt working like i heard it has helped others. One of my therapist even said things will just click one day and I went to her at least ten times with no improvement at all. I tried hard to explain everything that happened in the EMDR sessions. I feel like it helps when i feel the therapist shows they care.
I walked out of an appt with the only available therapist in my area. Within 10 minutes, she started SIX disagree,ents with me on my terminology. She didn’t like CPTSD at allllllll, she got quite firm on that one. So I stood up and said, “Well, this isn’t going to work. I’m not going to fight with my therapist in order to have my own voice be heard,” and left. Sadly, it’s been almost 6 months, and I can’t find a therapist at all, been on waiting lists for over a year, and I really need help. I’m (sometimes) almost at my breaking point, and there’s not much I can do about it but continue to work on stupid self-regulation (jk, lol). I follow you both and am more grateful for your free stuff on RUclips than I could ever say. Thank you. ❤️
Anna was the first person to introduce me to the science of C-PTSD, a couple of years ago. You both do a great job and I've learned an awful lot about my own issues from your work, so it's great to see you get together and talk.
You two are so amazing! So many of us finally feel understood and heard. I've waited 56 years for this.
Patrick, love what you said about your work today and how you know it didn't come from doing your masters but from your own therapy/experience.
@14:47 Thanks so much for debunking the old standard psychoanalytic approaches (the unconscious, recreating patterns, fear of intimacy) that are ineffective (forcing one into over-responsibility, shame). Focusing on the physiological basis of trauma, including nervous system dysregulation, really does create new pathways and possibilities! Great highlight!!
Woke up and found this video and it was exactly what I needed. I always knew I wasn’t raised “right” but it took me into my 30s to start truly healing. 💖
thank you both for sharing your insights together. i have learned so much about myself from both of you. thank you for revealing your personal experiences as part of your therapy, it's an effective method for people like me to feel better about my own feelings and reactive mind. no one else has ever (and i'm not exaggerating) inside or outside of therapy explained for me so many important concepts like dysregulation, emotional triggers, and our childhood trauma-based tendencies that have effected my entire life so much. understanding how so much psychological damage can be done to an innocent, trusting, defenseless child has answered so many of my deepest questions. thank you thank you thank you both
I've never even heard of dysregulation until this video. YES there has not been completion! and the services/correct therapists are not out there, helping to address this kind of issue. This is why we watch your videos, we are healing ourselves and figuring out our own needs. this is huge that you just said this.
Am I dreaming...my two favorite people on RUclips... I have c-ptsd and the most helpful thing for me was going to a Buddhist centre and you tube...by miles, I'm 55 and I've lost count of the therapists I've seen.. they did only make me worse I'm sure ... please keep doing what you do guys..you are like magic fairy dust for the pain and anguish...hugs 😘
Wow! Thank you. I really enjoyed this conversation and loved listening to both of you share your experiences. I can relate to Anna in that daily journaling and working with my mind is the way in. Anna, I was angry growing up too. That and nipping out for a cigarette was how I set boundaries!!!!! I can relate to Patrick, in that I struck lucky with a therapist 12 years ago. She was the first truly safe person in my life who had so much insight and compassion. I speak to lots of people who've had negative healing experiences. Lots of therapists don't know about scapegoating or narcissism. It feels like they are using the wrong tools for the job. I work with kids and everything is about mindfulness. I've had kids tell me that they don't want to be told 'do your breathing!' and they would rather be hugged or doodle or go outside. Sitting here nodding because you're soo right - it's about feeling heard and finding your own way. I think a good therapist will empower you to do that.
I’m in Seattle and I went to a wonderful therapist who did Lifespan Integration therapy, she diagnosed me w/ cptsd and I experienced incredible healing for the year and half I was with her before she retired. She was my fourth therapist and her primary focus was trauma. I can feel inside the parts that have been settled and the parts that are still raw and need work and I’ve tried to look for someone else to work with and just haven’t felt the connection. I love both of these amazing people I’m thrilled they did an interview together I follow their work and am so grateful for their RUclips channels, what a gift to all of us.
Can you please share her name?
My two favorites 🙌🏿🙌🏿😭😁.I am so happy you are both doing this.You have and still are helping me so much. Sending love from Africa,Botswana
Same with Brady Bunch. My dad said they were all too nice. He had control of the tv and wouldn’t watch it, but eventually I got a tiny tv in my room.
sounds like your dad got triggered while watching the show
Yes, he could not stand the idea of parenting me.
Haha! My ex husband thought that the dad was a pussy and didn't like our boys watching it. Lots of projection going on there!😏
I really like hearing you two together. The way you talk is so real and revealing and I am very grateful for both of you.
I just cried for about 1hr and 27 mins 😭 I’m so not ok and I’m so tired of pretending that I’m ok that I don’t even know how to make myself ok…😬🤦🏻♀️
Anyway, I got so many insights into myself in this videos I don’t even know where to start. Thank you for sharing, you are giving a gift to the next generation that can’t even be measured. 🥺
This was BRILLIANT. The collaboration I didn’t know I needed. Just escaped a toxic family system with a cluster B mom and started trauma therapy and starting DBT group tomorrow. I do therapeutic writing too, and have a lot of insight but I still have so many trauma stored in my body. Coming out of the fog…🙌🏽
💡🕊🔥
Wishing you every success. Be sure to study, work hard and pursue professional development.
@@franceslock1662 Done, done, and done. 😉