It’s been one of my goals to give my children and husband a world I designed, our home and family life filled with clean linens and clothes, soft towels, fresh food, good smells, gentle touches, upbeat music, happy books, and a neat home. I knew how important it was to have their gifts for birthday parties, permission slips, lunches, organized. My husband is a survivor of childhood abuse, and I have baggage of my own, but creating a peaceful organized home was one way I gave my family my love. I’m so happy I found you both.
I'm really, really bad at this because forced house work was used as a punishment all the time. It's good to think of it more like this, as a way of giving and communicating love. 💜
I did this too…. ( watching out to Not being a perfectionist …) and my husband 20 years(and friend of 36 years ) walked out for a younger woman and her family
@@elfglow4557 Because of the brain and other organ damage SSRI's and benzos and anti psychotic do. Cause tardive dyskinesia, parkinsonian symptoms, alzheimers, akasthesia, parasthesia, gastrointestinal problems, ulcers, brain fog, cognitive impairment, irritability, depression, panic attacks, headaches, light and sound hypersensitivity, Shall I go on? Beware, be warned. Do the research for yourself. Plenty of info on RUclips. Check out retired psychiatrist, Peter Breggin and others on these horrible poisons. They injure, and kill. Cause suicidal and homicidal ideation.. Paranoia, confusion. On and on. Thank you for your interest.
And I can't help it & it isn't my fault. But I can heal. I could suddenly appreciate how well I've actually done with all of this not only with no help purely on instinct, but with no understanding while surrounded by crap-fit people who seemed to just want to hurt me when I was unable to function. Bravo to all of us; we've survived all that bullshit & we're here taking care of our business like adults.
So true! My husband had these random, strange behaviors for years that actually did seem like a brain injury to me to the point that I wondered if his mom had done something to him as a baby and lied about it...took a while for the penny to drop that she didn't literally drop him but the fact that that scenario was plausible was the first clue to the truth....
This explains why most of childhood was spent reading on the bottom bunk, sitting in front of a radio, or sitting in a maple tree in the woods. 👍 ...or running. I did a lot of running.
“Being self righteous is a sign of your trigger.” Listening to this and I just figured out that I get triggered (every time) when around acquaintances or family members who haven’t seen me in awhile and don’t ask me about my life in terms of an update, or who talk only about themselves and express zero interest in my life. Wow….that was my mom’s relationship with me and my siblings, but I never put that and the other-people trigger together. Thank you. I have a lot to mull over
Oh, I relate to that too - so much! I react really strongly and negatively any time my feelings are ignored one way or another. I feel really helpless and sad in situations where people don`t even ask how I`ve been doing and I totally freak out when I ask a question and get no answer. It feels as though they don`t even notice that I exist. Of course I have a lot of experiences from childhood being ignored and ridiculed for being me. I guess it creates a lot of fear even now, so many years later.
I’m actually going through this realization now too. My dad is a narc but I never allowed myself to hold even my mother accountable for the part she played in scandals and crises! Now that I am I realize how often she too made things about her (victim of my dad’s “stupidity”) and how little she makes anything about me! Even when I’m going through real drama or crisis at no fault of my own. So the indignant “I do so much for this family; no one ever cares/pays attention to me” that I used to be on as a kid, comes up heavy when I deal with her🤯🤯🤯
I know it’s like when I get triggered with my boyfriend I realize that a lot of his rebuffs in our conversation sounds just exactly how my mother use to talk to me with abrupt rejection and ungracious responses. It really dis regulates me and makes me utterly nervous. I literally have to bring the plane down STSpeak and unravel the past experiences so I can be next to him without shaking.
A trigger for me is hearing other people talk about their triggers in such detail.. then I realized it is because my mom put so much energy into telling me how horrible and poverty stricken her life was over and over again as an excuse to ignore my needs... It's insane how there are all these triggers hiding in our psyches!
I hear you. In my experience, the sooner you an disconnect your belief that the past is causing the trigger, and realize the trigger is within you and only you, the sooner you can learn to calm that trigger.
My mom took me to a counselor when I was a teenager and the first thing the counselor said to me was “so what’s your problem”. I instantly shut down even though I really needed a supportive adult in my life.
I was nine. I had spent the last five years being sexually abused by my father. My mother’s friend told her to take me to a child psychologist. All the way there my mother was screaming at me that it was all my fault and the psychologist would blame me too. By the time we got there I pretended like I forgot the abuse. I very clearly remember the psychologist telling my mother that if I didn’t remember there was no point in bringing me back. I’ve always thought that was a terrible response. He didn’t even try to help me. I spent 35 YEARS pretending I forgot about it. I’ll never get those years back.
"Anger is a step off of the floor of suicidal depression". WOW. Those words hit me. I am currently speechless. I only hope this 20 years of insomnia (guilt and shame suppressed / repressed) is lifted soon. I feel like a detective searching for clues, and piecing things together to make my life whole and make sense of it all.
It's not just 15-year-olds having epiphonies... I'm in my 50s and just figured out a few years ago, by watching loads of videos, that I had a narcissistic parent. It was a real 'aha' moment. Sure, I wish it had been at 15, but better at 50-something than never!
I am in my 50's and my Ma passed and all safety fell away.....I am grateful I have a chance to heal especially for my kids. A roadmap of sorts to help them through the baggage "their" parents had/have. So relieved I found the crappy childhood ferry. Better late than never.
Same here! I knew since childhood that there was something very wrong with my family in the dynamic and the dishonesty and the scapegoating but I never had a name for it. That has been empowering, that it is a real thing and it happened to me. Love and Light!
When you mentioned the importance of expressing anger I felt that. When I went to alonon for the first time and expressed my anger and had the people knodding their heads instead of shaming me for" talking about my mom like that" was so healing
"...to be seen was to be attacked..." oof! Thank you both for what you do. Your videos have done more for me than all of the expensive therapists and pill-mills. You are both so dearly appreciated.
That's probably why we tend to want to 'disappear into the crowd.' I was told in college that I was a good actress and should try out for the plays. NOPE! I do NOT want people to notice me. A few years later, while planning my wedding, I had a panic attack when I realized that as the bride, I would be getting EVERYONE'S attention! It really freaked me out.
I suffered domestic violence in childhood with an ACE score of 7, then unknowingly choose an abusive damaged man as my husband. I calculate at least 37 years of non-stop abuse. Somatic therapy is the way to go in my opinion. I spent 7 years in talk therapy, and it wasn't until I found a somatic therapist that incorporated EMDR and somatic body awareness did I begin to heal. Releasing the tangled trauma from our nervous and muscular systems is life-changing.
At age 65, I have forgiven my mother for being torturously and severely abusive, knowing now how Ill she was. Afterward I needed to forgive my Dad for being enabling and letting things continue for 20 years. for 20 years. That was how he was and I needed to accept it.
I’m Gen X who grew up in an alcoholic family like you and Patrick. We had virtually no resources to help us at that time in the 70s and 80s. So glad we can heal now and that there is consciousness about trauma and there is trauma informed therapy now. 🙏
isn't it amazing that at this time we have all these resources available to us to help us heal? I'm in my late 30s and am just now encountering this information and it's opening a whole new world to me and i'm so thankful for that.
Yes, agreed. If people didn’t reach out back then I don’t think it’s because they didn’t care. But back then everybody’s problems were just their own problems in their family. You didn’t really go intervene in another person‘s family. Also remember if they may have said that they knew you’re finally had problems, but they most likely don’t really know to the extent that it really was
Something my therapist did that made me stop going, was eating during my sessions. If I wanted to feel ignored, I had plenty of others I wasn't paying to help me. My childhood was one trauma after another.
Same. I had a therapist literally try to lead me in a closed eyes mediation out of the blue. I closed my eyes but when I peeked, she was checking her cell phone. $275 an hour 🙄
@@AdelleRamcharan wow. I thought my experience of actually becoming the therapist’s therapist ( She would tell me all about her day and her life) was not so common…
Ugh! Yes I had a counselor who would bring her toy poodle or schnauzer or whatever to her office and during sessions she would stop the discussion to point out how cute he was being at the moment. 🙄🤣
I can so relate to that too. I wasn't merely noticed or seen. I was examined under this high powered focus of negative scrutiny to find any and all flaws, and often times if they couldn't find a flaw, invented flaws would be made up about me even as a result of those examinations just to have something, anything, to destroy me with, bit by bit. They were always looking for something to insult me with and chip away at me with. Who could do that to a child who's just trying to live and survive? Pure evil.
So glad to see this quote in the comments! It hit hard to me when he said it, like "whew omg can I relate, I must jot that down for therapy." And then I proceeded to watch/multitask. This dilemma can be so debilitating, I feel like my mom's narc voice is in my cells. A relief to finally have a clear way to express it.
@@Mushroom321- Thank you Wendy. I'm sorry you can relate. It's so tough to come back from. I hope one day I'll heal, but I have a lot more work to do since I have quite a few bad days still. The good days do come from time to time, which is more than I can say for my life about 5+ yeas ago, so at least I'm moving in the right direction. Peace, healing and wholeness to us both.❤🙏❤
@@drebugsita "in my cells." I so sooooo get that. Unfortunately, it is imo for me. I know I'm so different from my mother but I still can see and feel how I self-identify with her and through her and it beyond sickens me. Much work still needed on me. I'm definitely a work in progress. May be both find our healing sunsita! Blessings to you.🙏❤🙏🌄🌻☀️
I love what you are saying about going to friend's houses. This saved me in many ways. I felt more at home in their houses and more like them (than my family). Though it was also painful because I was so very awkward and out of place in their homes due to my being raised by wolves, it planted a seed for something to strive toward.
You were fortunate for sure. We were unable to visit neighbor's or friend's homes unless they were from our church, and those families had the same dysfunctional family styles.
I too, were raised by wolves. But moreover, I parented my mother, and my younger sister. Then got scapegoated. Still am. Even though my father is dead and gone 30 years now. I've had to cutoff my sisters and my mother. I had wide boundaries, but they crossed them again. I'm learning to trust me more, and others less. I wish for you, the same.
Found one amazing super intelligent therapist years ago for a physical health issue. After about 12 sessions, we started to just began to hit the cptsd . He has stood unflinching beside me for 18 years now. Has saved my life.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yes, and i am now a trained and practiced psychotherapist and endeavor to model myself after his integrity while also including new scoentific knowledge of trauma. Though he is a talk therapist, my own practice uses different modalities for inquiry beyond words. Very similar work to your invitation to journal. Advice often comes frpm within. For me personally now, myself extraverted, i realize i need to begin to learn from outside myself too more so. In collective community which is why i am grateful for your channel here on youtube :) also, thanks forr personally commenting
@@annec4019It's awesome you became a therapist. As Anna and Patrick were saying, your experiences will help you relate to your clients. All the best to you.
47:40 - the meaning of recovery: "I'm going to recover that full awareness I was meant to have. We're not just trying to feel better; we're trying to come into bloom in a way we never have before with all that stuff that was tucked away by trauma, packed up." P.T.: "It wasn't safe to be visible. Our cPTSD is repression of ourselves, repression of our emotions. And then the body freaks out when we try to reverse that process and be present. I think that's what recovery is: tolerating - tolerating more and more intimacy."
I had a truly terrifying experience a couple of weeks ago. This was something that would not have / should not have terrified me (Am I self-shaming?). A longtime friend told me about some dark times in his life, and how a single hand-written letter from me (around the 1990-1992 timeframe) made a difference in his life and changed his thinking around. Why would something like that terrify me, sending me into a tailspin and fearful of communicating with him or anyone else for days?? Because I was taught in my narcissistic family that Danger Is Safe and Safe Is Dangerous. I was seeing someone who was a really beautiful human as a teen; but he was driven away from me, and they force me, a la "Ella Enchanted," to kick him out of my life, while forcing me to allow users, abusers and cheaters into my life. He didn't give up on me. I made the mistake of telling my narc mother that I was going to go to him as soon as I could, and she would never see me again. She and my maternal grandmother did something to me that qualifies as torture, to force my love out of my conscious mind. This hurt him, and me, for decades. Therefore, Safe people cause me to be in very real serious grave physical, mental and emotional danger at home. Whereas, dangerous people who used me and perpetrated the belief that I was worthless, kept me 'safe' from her violence and abuse. Henceforth, becoming close to people who feel safe, cause my subconscious to say, "Oh, hell no! The last time I trusted someone safe, my entire life was turned upside down and inside out." I've had a long series of relationships that have done nothing but make me feel worthless. Now that the repressed memories have entered my conscious mind, through the grace of God, I can finally understand and begin to truly heal. I can make better decisions. I can trust my own ability to discern and intuit people and situations. I now choose my 'people.' Nobody chooses for me.
Patrick is so animated. I see the boy in his 👀eyes. No wonder he works with children. He s the substitute teacher that we're glad to have sit in for our teacher.
My daughter’s 7 year old friend was sick and getting sicker for weeks. I told the mother my daughter had strep and her daughter might have it too. She refused to take her daughter to the doctor. My last attempt was offering to pay for the doctor appointment. She never took her to the doctor. It broke my heart to witness this neglect.
My dad had a sister who died of "scarlet fever'' in the '30s. I believe scarlet fever is the same as strep throat. Can you imagine dying of strep throat? the pain would have been horrible.
This helps me value how my kids will soak up music, Smells and food and texture of linens, clothes and cars that we use at home. I thought I was the only one struggling to ignore that these small things make a big difference.
Yes!!! The Brady Bunch, Little House on the Prairie, Partridge Family…,YES!!! Kept me grounded and helped me to realize good values and balanced relationships. I grew up in an abusive, poor, toxic, alcoholic household with a mother who showed no love or compassion for her children and a step-father who was an alcoholic and violent. Then there was the sexual abuse by way of babysitters and so on. My mother acted like she was not aware of the abuse that her sons experienced. As adults she expects us not to talk about our childhood. My stepfather died at the age of 50 in 1994; never got a chance to confront him at all. I am the only one fully awake in our family( the rest pretend, suppress, repress and passive-aggressively disconnects, silos, alienates, isolates and more. I am the only one who sees clearly and chooses to do the healing working. I find myself alienated in my family as a result.🤔
It's no small thing to be kicked out of a toxic group. I always think of it, that they could not survive the light of your truth so of course you had to be expelled from their reality. Congratulations. You are not sick or evil or delusional Enough To make their $hitty grade. Live a happy & well deserved good life enjoying yourself !!!
I think of being in an imperfect family like being in a cult. It took me decades to recognise that my father was a narcissist and how his domination of the household was crushing for me as a child. I married early and badly because home was so cold, impersonal, character destroying and unsupportive. You two are among the best I've found on RUclips! Jumped to watch when I saw you together.
100% my narcissist family was most definitely a cult, despite everyone around this person knowing she was abusive, they covered it up, shame on them, specifically those on the outside of the abuse (not abused) looking in! How can you look at children being abused and not speak up?!?! Cult!
I think that same way! It wasn't enough just to comply with their rules; you literally had to adopt the 'right thinking' in order to survive, even if it meant sacrificing your own integrity to do so!!
Systemic therapy is helping me immensely. I come from a physically and emotionally abusive household and have chosen emotionally unavailable men to have relationships with, basically recreating the feeling of emotional abandonment and neglect that i had in childhood
Been there done that. I am the same age as crappy childhood fairy. But in the early 90s, I got a great therapist. And this was way before the Internet, where you would look somebody up first. I’ve been with them for years. He’s just provided such a healthy relationship for me to be in. And now I don’t seek out on healthy relationships. He was also at times without me knowing it like a surrogate parent. My therapist was a psychiatrist. Don’t underestimate how much they know and understand.
People knowing about the abuse and neglect and not helping hit me really hard as an adult when I found out. However, in my case, no one came to help. My mother was a raving, controlling narc and wouldn't let anyone come close enough to even barely speak to us, let alone help us. I still wonder why no one called the police, I guess it was just how the times were back then.
There are a lot of videos on YT on CPTSD but you two are so human and accessible, understandable. You stand out and help without too much science. Thank you.
I started to cry when you were talking about having the dummy setup and going through what happened and having a social worker police officer something to go through how that should have played out. I had a moment come to mind that I wish I could relive just for that. Someone to intervene, someone to speak up on my behalf. Someone to scoop me up and tell me it's not my fault and it's okay. And to see that parent addressed directly for what they were doing. My mind just really imagine what that would look like and it completely overwhelmed me
Yes!!! I was crying as well!! I was taken back to the HS guidance counselor's office with my parents... and this time, in my imagination he listened to ME instead of my parent's justifications. I didn't have extended family so it took a lot of courage to "tell on them"... needless to say, the way he acted affected me in that I didn't trust professionals for a long time.
My husband was told to pack a suitcase for a trip at 13 by his mother and stepfather: they left him ( illegally) at an elderly woman’s house for “ bad boys”. He has never gotten over being abandoned like this and exhibits borderline personality disorder. His stepfather was a violent alcoholic and his mother passively accepted his abuse. I would like to know if he can ever get past this abandonment. I feel for his pain , but I also feel for myself and my kids’ pain to have lived with his trauma.
I thought I was done with this stuff. Divorce put me in a tailspin. My addiction my RAGE! Unlike anything ever. He knew my trauma and after 35 yrs retraumatized my inner children. Not what I thought I'd be doing at 57. I have counselor a therapist and 12 step meeting they fit together well. I meditate daily now substance free still house challenged. Yeah no Maslows but it's working. My higher power is working miracles every day and a home is near. So grateful to everyone that helped this broken old child.
I just discovered I have CPTSD, and I’m so relieved to finally understand why I am the way I am. I love how you explain that the trauma response is actually a normal response to abnormal events, how it is a genius way our childhood minds preserved us. That is so empowering to see it that way rather than as just a “yucky” dysfunction to fix.
“Getting parents to own their actions”. They never, and could never, have done that. The “family” was like a bus everybody rode on. They were the unit of importance. Drinking to excess was their normal. On and on. At 19, I was expected to be normal. Taking care of everybody else. When I watched TV, always hoped there was someone on the outside that would rescue me. As a survivor, we get such a skewed sense of “normal”. We spend a good third of our life trying to fit into our family. Then we get tossed out and told to figure it out, you’re an adult. So many good points in your video. Owning their actions. I can only think of two eggs in a frying pan sliding off to oblivion. It was an amazing video because for the first time I heard “I went through that too”. It wasn’t just me. My reality checker wasn’t horribly warped. But, my life was. Thank you.
Wow, spot on description. ^^^ sorry you had this experience. I was a caretaker too as early as 6 years old. Now I’m trying to heal for myself and my children
"Being seen is to be attacked". OMG, that is so spot on. I do wanted to do musical theatre. I tried out a few times. But the idea of standing in front of others, expecting everyone's full attention, triggered me off so badly I ended up seriously depressed. I could never work out why, as I liked to dance and sing, but the concept of performance destroyed me.
This conversation was INCREDIBLY validating, reassuring, and clarifying. It was exceptional to be party to this! Had my own realizations just listening and I’m sooooo glad this was recorded and available!!!🙏🏾 Yes… let’s do this again guys! This duo is fun AND impactful!
I completely agree. Thanks for the program. I have found both of your discussions to be very well done. And providing it out there for those of us that have healed but need the reminders at times is wonderful. You have some excellent strategies for going beyond the acknowledging of the past. Who wants to relive that life over and over....not me..... :) Too much to enjoy in life now, and helping others is so much easier when one is healed up and stabilized. No, it's not selfish to heal. No one says that to a person with a physical ailment, that they are being selfish by healing! Oh...and at 51:38 excellent advice....
This was the most incredible hour and a quarter I've experienced 18 months into the painful darkness and slowly emerging / healing as an Anna devotee (my lifesaver) for the past year ... now 67 yrs old and working hard (DP) on new life .. Thank You All .. And strength to all those in pain .. keep up the hard work .. Anna and Patrick.. please more of this cathartic and epiphanic format ..
Giving it a name(my family system) is what broke the wheel of self blame and many years of trying to fix myself as the family problem... Now that i can clearly see what's mine and what's theirs and the ways i was advised and calling it abuse i can solidly work on myself.
I found a great trauma therapist by searching for one who did EMDR. She incorporated other techniques, and was such a warm kind professional, that I was able to make so much progress over the course of a year and a half. I had previously seen other therapists over the years, and never saw much improvement. I think it was a combination of the right therapist for me, and I was committed to get better. I think specifically putting EMDR in my search and discussing it first was really helpful.
I'm writing this during the picking therapist session- I found my therapist through my PCP, and during the first session I spilled my guts out about my awful childhood, and she just listened and made sure she understood what I was saying, then she made sure I had a safe ride and wasn't driving, and then I was hospitalised. After I was released and saw her again, she was like, "I'm so sorry but I don't treat trauma." And I didn't care, I told her that I liked her and I trusted her, and I would take what she could give, and then if I felt safe seeking other therapy then I would. 3 years later and I'm still seeing her, she listens gives me a vocabulary for my experience, and gives me things to research. This week she told me I sounded dysregulated, and I should look that up and see if I can try something different to calm down. So I found this video. My approach to my therapy probably isn't perfect, but I feel safe and that's everything to me.
I think your approach sounds great. To me, you must have had some level of mental healthiness (good radar) in order to feel sure that she was a good therapist for you. And also to challenge her a little bit and say no I want to stay with you. I wish you the best you sound like you’re doing great already.
ooof, i just kept hearing the song "killing me softly" throughout this whole thing.. you know: "Strumming my pain with his fingers Singing my life with his words Killing me softly with his song Killing me softly with his song Telling my whole life with his words Killing me softly with his song" this was phenomenal. dream team, seriously. thank you! also, please please, could you both talk about healthy anger?? that would be incredible.
Crappy Childhood Fairy I second the idea of discussing healthy anger!!! Communication skills are vital and yet are something that many lack. I have learned a lot along those lines but still struggle.
Yes, please do collaborate again! And addressing healthy anger would be amazing. Just quit my job and self-righteous anger came up for me internally a lot. I was devalued, yelled at, and underpaid, largely by my boss who was widely recognized as being entitled, aka quite narcissistic - ex, she would assume that we would close-up the building late if she felt like giving a tour that went overtime, or just continue working on whatever she was doing. Also, I recently had to instruct a freelance guy on how we are organizing materials, only to have him question everything I said, ignore it, and tell me its not my problem because I'm done there, and then he stormed off. I consider it a victory as a codependent that I did not reach out to him to reconcile, but it was hard and the sense of guilt and anger is there. Thank you, sorry so long!
One of my triggers is either hearing others in a conversation talk over another person or when someone does it to me. It just always led to bad things in my family.
Can relate so much to this whole discussion. I think depression presents as irrational anger for me. I get so angry and self righteous about injustices. Had to just redirect myself off of social media. And it’s so hard to continue a friendship when someone disagrees w me about something. I get the urge to just write them off and literally say those words Patrick said in my head about them, “Ok now you’re just dead to me.” Even to the point where my emotionally intelligent kid said, “Oh Mom, so you’re annoyed at so and so? Does that mean we are never going to see them again?” 😂😢 Sometimes it is necessary to sever ties to keep our sanity and/or stay safe, but it’s also sometimes good to give people a chance. I have struggled for a long time to know the difference bc boundaries are just not a thing in my family of origin.
I was in my late 40's early 50's when I found the book Toxc Parents. I think it was written by Susan Forward. Until then I thought all of that early abuse was my fault. I was adopted and NEVER lived up to their standards. THEN years later I found out about narcissism. My adoptive mother was a full on Narcissisr. Adoptive father not only a pedafile but a drunk and died a really ugly death from his drinking. Adoptive mother told me when I begged her to stop him from trying to rape me that I deserved it because I was a whore and a slut like my birthmother. I was shut down for the last three years I lived at home. Still suffer from some shut down but not towards my animals. A friend over several years painted me a birthday card I still have for my 18th birthday. Congratulati8oins on your New Birth. I was finally free from them. I also did not have friends. Again years later I found out adoptive father also tried to rape them. OMG I am doing well now at almost 73 . that whole adoptive family is dead. I shed no tears over it.
@@susantalebzadeh9741 OH My Thank you. I really a m doing well now. I still avoid people. Feel safe on the internet. Locally I just stay to myself. Well except for my critters house plants and art. Thank you for the Big Hug. Means a lot you reached out.
I'm so sorry for all the pain you endured. I can't understand how people are able to slutshame children, that's insane. I know that some of them were probably treated this way in their own past and felt helpless to do anything about it, but still - why would anyone do that thing to another child when they have the opportunity to break that vicious cycle? Thankfully you were able to keep your heart open enough to welcome animals and plants and care for them. Pets are so grateful for any kindness you can offer, they are able to keep up the spark of love in most lonesome places and darkest moments. Blessings to you and all of your critters :)
I agree with you Patrick, when you talk about holding your parents accountable.. Because as a trauma survivor and as a coach, what I've seen is a lot of traumatized adult children who are not able to get out of the trauma bond because they think everything is about forgiveness...and they don't realize that one of the biggest dysfunctional patterns they have themselves is not not be able to assert boundaries. If you can't hold on to yourself and hold your parents accountable for their abuse, then you won't ever heal. Healing in cptsd is about returning to yourself, to your core where you stay very grounded and in your truth and are able to tell a person that I'm not responsible for how you feel. You are! I'm responsible for how I feel. And when you can't respect the boundaries I assert, then I have to.... Because that is how I take responsibility for MY feelings. In my humble opinion if a therapist dobt focus on teaching a client that type of self empowerment, then I would never pay money to that person or waste my time with them. The whole point of therapy should be empowerment, not to make the person come back for years just repeating the same stories about their trauma while the therapist ask them how they feel....
I used RUclips to learn about trauma and start healing for about 2 years before getting into therapy, and now I'm doing both! I get compliments for doing good work, and I feel more secure in knowing what I need from her. I feel like I'm in control of my journey, and I don't think I would be getting as much out of my therapy without these resources.
On CPTSD. Most songs from the 80s give me heart crushing flash backs. One particular by Australia crawl called reckless 1983. The flat were my mum used to keep me I sometimes have to drive by for work. I used to sit in my car near the flat and try and understand the scope of feeling. It was a universe unto it self. Its a funny feeling to fall backwards through time like the feelings somehow make you evanescent and hallow, empty yet so clear. To travel with out moving. To have feelings that rob one of the moment. Crashing through the walls of my mind. Like my own private monster that no one can see or hear. The life you own. On the flip side of that, to know I am never going back. Never. I will take death before I go back. To have really lived seen and felt.
Talk therapy sucked for me...I dreaded therapy, I dreaded everything it brought up... talking about it did nothing...I started having severe anxiety each day that got closer to my therapy day .. thankfully I'm free of that...I'm grateful for Pete Walker and all of you and so many other amazing people here on RUclips, that have helped me go towards healing ❤️
5.30 + Where Patrick says, when we've gone through some significant healing, we lose interest in those stories.... So hopeful, & so validating as I make changes. Thank you both.
I remember discovering ACOA and thinking this is my mom. I showed her and she completely ignored it. If she had sought help I feel things would have turned out very differently. We can only lead a horse to water. We can’t make them drink. Thank you for all you are doing to serve others and shed light on CPTSD 🙏
The part about TV shows and learning how to act normal through them, because we never learned how to socialize properly at home... that hit me hard. I thought it was just me - this is so validating to hear. Anna and Patrick are also just fantastic. Thank you both for all you do
I hadn't realized that was a 'thing.' I knew that I learned how to act from television shows. I still say, "How do you do?" when greeting someone, because of a television show I watched as a child.
Oh my Gosh!! I hid that I did that. I watched TV and consumed novels to try and figure out what normal was, cause it certainly wasn't what I saw at home!! Cheers fellow Travelers💜
Anna and it’s great to hear from a genuinely authentic guy the male perspective of CPTSD. Def look forward to you both jiving together again. I agree Re hearing more about displaying healthy anger. Great topic x
Hospital smells, and loud noises makes me panic to the point that I feel like I'm going to throw up, and pass out. Just being around people. I can be ok one on one. Less so with two people. Three or more, I feel very uncomfortable. If those three people are talking loudly, I can't take it. Something that triggers me really hard is when someone says something mean, but the tone and body language is all pleasant. Even if they don't know they are doing it. Alcoholic dad, religious narcissistic mother, and very disturbed brother, being bullied, and molested by others. I've learned to live with suicidal thoughts every single day since I was around 14. Now that I'm 39 I'm actually surprised I'm still here. I've never really planned for the future because I honestly didn't think I'd still be alive. It's hard enough to put one foot in front of the other, and take life one day at a time. Anything more and I get super depressed with a lot of self loathing. I believe I might also have AVPD too. I really do hide away as much as I can.
@Jesse Halter, I've made it to 63 (to my surprise!) Here's a thought; every organism, down to microscopic things, have self preservation as their basic program. If OUR brains are giving any other dictates, that's our cue that our thoughts have gone awry! I hope the very best for you. I see now how much I would have taken away from others if I'd taken myself out. Suicide is a permanent solution but only for one person, it only moves grief to others. I pray peace finds your heart. I don't know you but you have worth!
I sometimes think I was a dog in a past life, because I have a very sensitive olfactory system, and i can often detect things others cannot, and it makes me quite unpopular at times! I think smell is one of the most powerful, and consequently triggering things there is. It can transport you the way certain songs can, to an exact moment in time. I totally get what you're saying. I'm sorry you're finding life so very tough. I get that bit, too.
@@jennytaylor3324 it could be what is called "hyper-vigilance" It's a symptom of PTSD according to DSM-5. When we live in an unsafe or perceived unsafe environment we become hyper aware of everything going around us to keep us on our toes so we can be ready for whatever comes next, it's a survival instinct which cause us to develop hyper sensitivity to sound, smells, makes us more Distractible bcz everything pulls our attention towards it, etc.
He makes me super uncomfortable sometimes, he just spells it out rapid fire and so honeatly.... but also validates the experience. Anna is awesome and this is awesome to listen to their discussion
I have followed Patrick. I luv his work. I am becoming a trauma specialist counselor. Luv this talk. Thank you💝( when u think that CPTSD is not even in the DSM-5 😣)
So awesome to see you two! I found you both at the same time on RUclips and you both have helped me understand myself at 43 years old. What a tremendous surprise this morning to wake up to! Thank you both for all of your work! ❤❤❤
Im honestly so grateful for the collab with them thought I would never heal and I still struggle at 18… drained and I lack concentration Buh I still Try to get stuff down to feel better and to grow
i have similar experiences with talking about my childhood with therapists. but it feels completly different sharing my experiences with other people whi share similar experiences in a safe structured setting (in my case ACA). it´s so tremendously healing to look in a face thats nodding with understanding, not, as in my case with over 10 different therapists, shock or fear or confusion... so yeah...if you haven´t lived through it, the likelihood you can help me get out of it is very very low.
Thank you both. Your conversations stop me feeling so isolated. I love how you both not only offer experience and insight but also ways to move forward, and approaches to healing. Like you both say, talking therapy may give me that Tetrus moment, but it really is about "What now?", how to live Now!, and move forward with strategies to creating a healthier, happier and healing way of life.
Yes as an adult, you wish to be really seen but as a child PT said, "to be seen meant to be attacked.." That took many yrs and experiences to be comfortable being seen. Thank you both, I wstch and love my time with you. Oh one thought, a HS guidance counselor told me after I explained I stayed out of school two weeks. My bipolar Mom was drinking and my Dad had run off to drink somewhere away from Mom and I took care of my 2 younger siblings 3yrs old and 1 yr old. The counselor said, "That sounds like a movie." My oldest brother made a visit and verified the real need for my absence. Thank you my brother.
kia ora Anna - I hadn't found your content, though did find Patrick a couple of months back - that bit abut 47:49 when you're talking about your dad - I've only shared a similar moment with a few people - long story short - my dad was officially diagnosed with alzhimers when I was 19 - though deep down I knew at 16 - this man who was my rock in the storm of my family, who loved words - stopped talking. i was out for a walk with him & one of my sisters - and stopped to help someone - didnt even give it a second thought - but look in my dads eye - it was so bright, brighter then the sun - a look of love & pride - what? why that look? for THAT - that was nothing - just did it automatically, without thunking (as corny as it sounds, helped a little elderly lady cross the street - well her trolly actually - moved it onto smooth payment from the rough bit - took just a second - and rejoined my dad and my sister (talking away - she didn't even notice I'd left to help this woman - my dad did - it was SO BRIGHT - I couldn't look at him. mess of tears, in good way - thank you
Kia Ora Julia! So nice to see another mana wahine toa on this kind of video ka pai to us hey! I pray you’ve found some healing since you last commented, your papa can see you and how you shine and you shine the most when you are doing stuff that comes natural to you, like helping the elderly! I hope you think of his bright smile when you need a reminder of who you are and where you come from God bless
My parents’ trauma inflicted on me. My trauma inflicted on my children. They are finally facing their trauma at the same time I am struggling to face mine. I want to hope for this ugly cycle to end. I’m here. Listening and taking notes. Thank you both
Whoa, stop the clock at minute 39 when Patrick says, "I'm a pretty good musician until you put a mic in front of me.... because I think in childhood, to be seen was to be attacked" WOW! 10 minutes later he talks about his experience as a four-year-old where it was safer to be invisible around his father. That as children our coping mechanism may be repressing our self while the challenge of recovery as an adult is learning to tolerate intimacy. Yes. Repress->blowup repeat. time to break the cycle. 'Being self-righteous (defensive) is a sign that you're triggered' Noted. Thanks, Patrick and Anna. Do this again!
You two are so cool to listen to.... It feels like listening to brothers and sisters in we have been through the same things... We can relate to each other...
45:00~ It's not your fault, Anna. None of us are to blame for what happened to us and there is such comfort in hearing other similar stories. You and Patrick together are a dynamic duo and such a blessing for so many. Thank you both for your work and may the Lord bless you abundantly🙏
Thank you for all that insides! I realized I was healed when I watched the rain window and caught the feeling that I was no longer sad when I watched the raindrops slide down the glass. I am to protect my inner child I really called the police for mum after she had a rabid outburst in my adulthood, I felt like I had handed over the cult leader to justice. But the police was knowledgeable, and saw that it was a family trauma.
It is an absolute miracle that I found both of you during the pandemic and at the peak of extremely difficult complex post-traumatic stress response after gun violence on the job and you know the rules of complex childhood trauma. I too have for decades tried to find therapists and none of them have any of the skills that you and Patrick share. I've shared your work with so many of my friends and students because all of the people I teach whether they are children, teens, adults or older adults are all survivors of parental abuse. I want to call it - not childhood trauma - but parental abuse. Societal abuse and neglect. Cultural complicity with abuse.
29:31 hits the nail in the head, both your channels are very helpful in identifying what's the problem and how to go about self healing. I was literary saying this morning to my friends I really appreciate what the internet has afforded us, as Anna says, even the little services available are quite expensive and out of reach for many. Best takeaway from this is recovery is learning healthier coping skills/mechanisms from healthier people.
I do think that it is wonderful that people with CPTSD (who lived it) have the platform to speak about their experiences, share feelings, and techniques to get clarity on our pasts & present behaviours, whether or not they are accredited. Experience, empathy and compassion are the foundation to really connect with others and allow healing to begin. You both have that in abundance. To show us from a place of experience how to feel good about and love ourselves, is truly evolutionary for humanity. To have society recognize as a base reality that we all have trauma will help us all be kinder to each other. With the internet you guys are healing a new generation as soon as they can acknowledge that "somethings not right" and can dispense with years of trying to find the therapist that gets it. Wow, 3 therapists, 8 months of psychotherapy education and no one said that Childhood trauma is a neurological condition....... that BLEW MY MIND and has been instrumental in me being able to anchor in and integrate acknowledgement of my Love of God within. Thank you. Bless you.
One of my sister's therapist had her imagine our (deceased) alcoholic mother sitting in a chair & tell our mother how she felt about what she had went through & how angry she was. For me, it isn't helpful for my healing, but my sister said it helped. Thanks for sharing helpful skills.
'To be seen was to be attacked' I never managed to express that. My father said that I was his favourite child as I never made any noise or demands. He put me down to the carpet with a toy or something and I was there for hours without making my presence known. I still to this day often just sit quetly on my own not making any noise not to draw attention.
I hear both you guys from time to time. This is the best. I love his play roles and I love your ability to verbalize my innermost brokenness and trauma that I had no words for .thank you so much. I m the mother in recovery who relies on these videoes to understand her messed up muddy emotions better
You too are amazing!!! Thank you for not waiting to be invited at the table!! You made your own table!! You’ve both helped me so much on my healing journey!!!
Yes your comment about HS guidance counselor saying “be kinder to your mom”! I was sent to the school counselor in 7th grade because I was uncontrollably crying in class. They could have changed my life dramatically had they asked about my family dynamics. My dad had threatened my life. But she said I just had PMS.
We can name these things now, thank Heaven. I had contacted a therapist saying 'I have CPTSD'. She replied: 'I'll be the judge of that', with that patronizing attitude so widespread among the therapists I have encountered so far. I saw this huge red flag and of course didn't proceed with her. If the therapist hasn't done any child trauma work on themselves, it's all wasted time, money and energy because they will not know what you're talking about, they won't be able to be of any help, they will side with your parents and by the way you'll slip into dependency mode with them - which doesn't allow you to grow. 'Holding your parents accountable' - I couldn't agree with you more Patrick. Also, the importance to express anger yes, but also follow up with it. Thank you for this truly inspiring dialogue, you are both people I would love to work with.
I had a perfect score on the ACE test, and been diagnosed with CPTSD, later in life. Not sure how I got here. I trigger on so many things, songs, smells, flavors, old ads and art work…life can get real tough sometimes. My first memories were the hope for my real family to come get me, with many years of terror to follow. Even with life’s success and many blessings, I have never felt at home or able to relax, even in my own house. I have heard we are the result of universe feeling itself, Like a nerve ending. I wish instead of a pain nerve, it might have been better to be a taste bud.
Thank you. Walking out of therapy feeling deregulated and almost forgetful. My mother became a therapist after a career as a teacher. She was all about what was called “origin of family.” Point number 2, trauma from my behaviors as an adult, even though related to childhood. Anna, I am a 65 year old man, you are going to change my life.
Being parented by TV shows and characters and using that to feel like you're part of a normal family and how to act around people Healthily is SO REAL 😔
“Inevitable improvisations that are life” thanks Anna. What a beautiful description of the daily challenge that comes when trying to isolate less. Also Brady Bunch, Little House on the Prairie and Parenthood have all been very important touchstones for me too. Thanks as always.
Yesss Patrick is here ! Can't miss listening to him. ❤ every word, every single video he ever made. Is priceless Smells always trigger me. Iam very happy to see how it's used in therapy. I always bring perfumes, oils, flowers that remind me of good times in childhood. It keeps me stable and safe. The marigolds used in weddings, the star jasmine on summer mornings with water on them, smell of rain with dry cake earth
Such a good point about how finding a good therapist takes more than just checking their website profile. Listen to your gut! If you feel like you don't gel with them, if you leave feeling icky or bad about yourself, move on and find someone else. I stayed with an unhelpful therapist for a year because I convinced myself that she was qualified to help me based on her areas of interest stated on her website, one of which included skin picking disorder. In the first session, I said I wanted help with skin picking, that was the whole reason I chose her! But it was never brought up again. People struggling with anxiety, depression and trauma are highly vulnerable to being taken advantage of by unscrupulous therapists. This particular woman milked me for a year and did absolutely nothing to help me apart from seeming to relish all the awful details of my childhood. It is so true what CCF said about some therapists just wanting to comb over my misery in a weird voyeuristic way that just made me feel like a circus freak. After every session with this woman I felt worse about myself because I didn't get any hint of her having any personal experience with abuse or trauma at all. In a way, her being perfectly presented and poised and well-spoken was just a massive trigger because it reminded me of how my mum would act in public or where she thought people would judge on appearance. I hate that therapist for shamelessly taking money I could barely afford for useless treatment rather than referring me on to someone who could actually help me. If I had found another therapist sooner I might have left the emotionally abusive relationship I was in at the time, and actually stood my ground with my mum. Great talk 💜
It’s been one of my goals to give my children and husband a world I designed, our home and family life filled with clean linens and clothes, soft towels, fresh food, good smells, gentle touches, upbeat music, happy books, and a neat home. I knew how important it was to have their gifts for birthday parties, permission slips, lunches, organized. My husband is a survivor of childhood abuse, and I have baggage of my own, but creating a peaceful organized home was one way I gave my family my love. I’m so happy I found you both.
Well done!!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm really, really bad at this because forced house work was used as a punishment all the time. It's good to think of it more like this, as a way of giving and communicating love. 💜
What a genuinely beautiful thing to write.
I did this too…. ( watching out to Not being a perfectionist …) and my husband 20 years(and friend of 36 years ) walked out for a younger woman and her family
@@lauriefmaceldridge8852super models have been cheated on, perfection doesn't mean we won't get hurt
"pretending to be normal when you really aren't."
That hit hard
It is just called having a backback hihihi
It’s me ☹️
No one will ever be normal after taking psychotropic drugs or benzodiazepines. EVER!
@@mardishores4016 I don’t think I ever took them. Could you please tell why you think that though?
@@elfglow4557 Because of the brain and other organ damage SSRI's and benzos and anti psychotic do. Cause tardive dyskinesia, parkinsonian symptoms, alzheimers, akasthesia, parasthesia, gastrointestinal problems, ulcers, brain fog, cognitive impairment, irritability, depression, panic attacks, headaches, light and sound hypersensitivity, Shall I go on? Beware, be warned. Do the research for yourself. Plenty of info on RUclips. Check out retired psychiatrist, Peter Breggin and others on these horrible poisons. They injure, and kill. Cause suicidal and homicidal ideation.. Paranoia, confusion. On and on. Thank you for your interest.
“It is a brain injury.” I can’t hear that enough. Thanks for sharing this conversation!
You're welcome!
A ( well meaning) friend asked me if I had ever had a head injury... well I suppose I DID. Never saw it that way, but yes.
And I can't help it & it isn't my fault. But I can heal. I could suddenly appreciate how well I've actually done with all of this not only with no help purely on instinct, but with no understanding while surrounded by crap-fit people who seemed to just want to hurt me when I was unable to function. Bravo to all of us; we've survived all that bullshit & we're here taking care of our business like adults.
So true! My husband had these random, strange behaviors for years that actually did seem like a brain injury to me to the point that I wondered if his mom had done something to him as a baby and lied about it...took a while for the penny to drop that she didn't literally drop him but the fact that that scenario was plausible was the first clue to the truth....
For c-ptsd "being seen is to be attacked" such a concise phrase that explains SO MUCH.
Totally agree!!
This explains why most of childhood was spent reading on the bottom bunk, sitting in front of a radio, or sitting in a maple tree in the woods. 👍 ...or running. I did a lot of running.
“Being self righteous is a sign of your trigger.” Listening to this and I just figured out that I get triggered (every time) when around acquaintances or family members who haven’t seen me in awhile and don’t ask me about my life in terms of an update, or who talk only about themselves and express zero interest in my life. Wow….that was my mom’s relationship with me and my siblings, but I never put that and the other-people trigger together. Thank you. I have a lot to mull over
Oh yeah -- the family scene you describe. I relate so much.
Oh, I relate to that too - so much! I react really strongly and negatively any time my feelings are ignored one way or another. I feel really helpless and sad in situations where people don`t even ask how I`ve been doing and I totally freak out when I ask a question and get no answer. It feels as though they don`t even notice that I exist. Of course I have a lot of experiences from childhood being ignored and ridiculed for being me. I guess it creates a lot of fear even now, so many years later.
I’m actually going through this realization now too. My dad is a narc but I never allowed myself to hold even my mother accountable for the part she played in scandals and crises! Now that I am I realize how often she too made things about her (victim of my dad’s “stupidity”) and how little she makes anything about me! Even when I’m going through real drama or crisis at no fault of my own. So the indignant “I do so much for this family; no one ever cares/pays attention to me” that I used to be on as a kid, comes up heavy when I deal with her🤯🤯🤯
same here. i assume no one cares, when when they ask a few questions i begin to feel endangered, like she said, “being seen is dangerous”
I know it’s like when I get triggered with my boyfriend I realize that a lot of his rebuffs in our conversation sounds just exactly how my mother use to talk to me with abrupt rejection and ungracious responses. It really dis regulates me and makes me utterly nervous. I literally have to bring the plane down STSpeak and unravel the past experiences so I can be next to him without shaking.
Like when you go to buy a Mother's Day card and the store doesn't have any cards that say "so glad I survived my childhood no thanks to you" 😀
A trigger for me is hearing other people talk about their triggers in such detail.. then I realized it is because my mom put so much energy into telling me how horrible and poverty stricken her life was over and over again as an excuse to ignore my needs... It's insane how there are all these triggers hiding in our psyches!
I hear you. In my experience, the sooner you an disconnect your belief that the past is causing the trigger, and realize the trigger is within you and only you, the sooner you can learn to calm that trigger.
💡
your mom is my dad. relate 100 %
Just like my mother
THIS
My mom took me to a counselor when I was a teenager and the first thing the counselor said to me was “so what’s your problem”. I instantly shut down even though I really needed a supportive adult in my life.
I was nine. I had spent the last five years being sexually abused by my father. My mother’s friend told her to take me to a child psychologist. All the way there my mother was screaming at me that it was all my fault and the psychologist would blame me too. By the time we got there I pretended like I forgot the abuse. I very clearly remember the psychologist telling my mother that if I didn’t remember there was no point in bringing me back. I’ve always thought that was a terrible response. He didn’t even try to help me.
I spent 35 YEARS pretending I forgot about it. I’ll never get those years back.
What a terrible thing to do to a child. We don’t get our childhoods back but we can break the cycle. That gives me hope.
"Anger is a step off of the floor of suicidal depression". WOW. Those words hit me. I am currently speechless. I only hope this 20 years of insomnia (guilt and shame suppressed / repressed) is lifted soon. I feel like a detective searching for clues, and piecing things together to make my life whole and make sense of it all.
Appreciate you sharing with us!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Excellent analogy
Same here! I can’t believe so many ppl are suffering
I requested my school records.
Trying to figure out how to make it out of this mess.
Anger has been my survival tool for so long, my bandaid- panadol to my suicidal aches
It's not just 15-year-olds having epiphonies... I'm in my 50s and just figured out a few years ago, by watching loads of videos, that I had a narcissistic parent. It was a real 'aha' moment. Sure, I wish it had been at 15, but better at 50-something than never!
Yes! I'm with you :)
Me too
me too, in my 40’s and having major ah-ha that are healing but also shocking to my ego.
I am in my 50's and my Ma passed and all safety fell away.....I am grateful I have a chance to heal especially for my kids. A roadmap of sorts to help them through the baggage "their" parents had/have. So relieved I found the crappy childhood ferry. Better late than never.
Same here! I knew since childhood that there was something very wrong with my family in the dynamic and the dishonesty and the scapegoating but I never had a name for it. That has been empowering, that it is a real thing and it happened to me. Love and Light!
When you mentioned the importance of expressing anger I felt that. When I went to alonon for the first time and expressed my anger and had the people knodding their heads instead of shaming me for" talking about my mom like that" was so healing
Yes, exactly!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"...to be seen was to be attacked..." oof! Thank you both for what you do. Your videos have done more for me than all of the expensive therapists and pill-mills. You are both so dearly appreciated.
👐
That's probably why we tend to want to 'disappear into the crowd.' I was told in college that I was a good actress and should try out for the plays. NOPE! I do NOT want people to notice me. A few years later, while planning my wedding, I had a panic attack when I realized that as the bride, I would be getting EVERYONE'S attention! It really freaked me out.
Oh well damn. That’s me to the core 😮
I suffered domestic violence in childhood with an ACE score of 7, then unknowingly choose an abusive damaged man as my husband. I calculate at least 37 years of non-stop abuse. Somatic therapy is the way to go in my opinion. I spent 7 years in talk therapy, and it wasn't until I found a somatic therapist that incorporated EMDR and somatic body awareness did I begin to heal. Releasing the tangled trauma from our nervous and muscular systems is life-changing.
Many experience domestic violence everywhere, women r women s rival
I have heard of this type of healing mode. I will search up info on this. THANK YOU for sharing. May u completely heal your body, mind and soul💗.
You are awesome for sharing this and for your recovery.
At age 65, I have forgiven my mother for being torturously and severely abusive, knowing now how Ill she was. Afterward I needed to forgive my Dad for being enabling and letting things continue for 20 years.
for 20 years. That was how he was and I needed to accept it.
Thankyou so much for sharing❤ Sending you so much love and strength to pull through❤
I’m Gen X who grew up in an alcoholic family like you and Patrick. We had virtually no resources to help us at that time in the 70s and 80s. So glad we can heal now and that there is consciousness about trauma and there is trauma informed therapy now. 🙏
I'm glad too!
isn't it amazing that at this time we have all these resources available to us to help us heal? I'm in my late 30s and am just now encountering this information and it's opening a whole new world to me and i'm so thankful for that.
Yes, agreed. If people didn’t reach out back then I don’t think it’s because they didn’t care. But back then everybody’s problems were just their own problems in their family. You didn’t really go intervene in another person‘s family. Also remember if they may have said that they knew you’re finally had problems, but they most likely don’t really know to the extent that it really was
Something my therapist did that made me stop going, was eating during my sessions. If I wanted to feel ignored, I had plenty of others I wasn't paying to help me. My childhood was one trauma after another.
Wow. Good decision.
Remarkably rude and insensitive. My shrink arrived late laden with shopping bags from the Mag mile. I stopped seeing her.
Same. I had a therapist literally try to lead me in a closed eyes mediation out of the blue. I closed my eyes but when I peeked, she was checking her cell phone. $275 an hour 🙄
@@AdelleRamcharan wow. I thought my experience of actually becoming the therapist’s therapist ( She would tell me all about her day and her life) was not so common…
Ugh! Yes I had a counselor who would bring her toy poodle or schnauzer or whatever to her office and during sessions she would stop the discussion to point out how cute he was being at the moment. 🙄🤣
“To be seen was to be attacked” 🥺🙌❤️🩹🎼🎹🎸 completely relate to your musicians ‘dilemma’ ! 😚👌
I can so relate to that too. I wasn't merely noticed or seen. I was examined under this high powered focus of negative scrutiny to find any and all flaws, and often times if they couldn't find a flaw, invented flaws would be made up about me even as a result of those examinations just to have something, anything, to destroy me with, bit by bit. They were always looking for something to insult me with and chip away at me with. Who could do that to a child who's just trying to live and survive? Pure evil.
So glad to see this quote in the comments! It hit hard to me when he said it, like "whew omg can I relate, I must jot that down for therapy." And then I proceeded to watch/multitask. This dilemma can be so debilitating, I feel like my mom's narc voice is in my cells. A relief to finally have a clear way to express it.
@@movingonandup322 awful.. I know the feeling.. sorry..
@@Mushroom321- Thank you Wendy. I'm sorry you can relate. It's so tough to come back from. I hope one day I'll heal, but I have a lot more work to do since I have quite a few bad days still. The good days do come from time to time, which is more than I can say for my life about 5+ yeas ago, so at least I'm moving in the right direction.
Peace, healing and wholeness to us both.❤🙏❤
@@drebugsita "in my cells." I so sooooo get that. Unfortunately, it is imo for me. I know I'm so different from my mother but I still can see and feel how I self-identify with her and through her and it beyond sickens me. Much work still needed on me. I'm definitely a work in progress.
May be both find our healing sunsita! Blessings to you.🙏❤🙏🌄🌻☀️
I love what you are saying about going to friend's houses. This saved me in many ways. I felt more at home in their houses and more like them (than my family). Though it was also painful because I was so very awkward and out of place in their homes due to my being raised by wolves, it planted a seed for something to strive toward.
Yes, I relate!
-Cara@TeamFairy
You were fortunate for sure. We were unable to visit neighbor's or friend's homes unless they were from our church, and those families had the same dysfunctional family styles.
I too, were raised by wolves. But moreover, I parented my mother, and my younger sister.
Then got scapegoated. Still am. Even though my father is dead and gone 30 years now.
I've had to cutoff my sisters and my mother. I had wide boundaries, but they crossed them again.
I'm learning to trust me more, and others less. I wish for you, the same.
My husband experienced same….he talks so fondly about Mrs Sullivan across the street bc he had a malignant narcissist’mother’
Found one amazing super intelligent therapist years ago for a physical health issue. After about 12 sessions, we started to just began to hit the cptsd . He has stood unflinching beside me for 18 years now. Has saved my life.
Very, very lucky!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy yes, and i am now a trained and practiced psychotherapist and endeavor to model myself after his integrity while also including new scoentific knowledge of trauma. Though he is a talk therapist, my own practice uses different modalities for inquiry beyond words. Very similar work to your invitation to journal. Advice often comes frpm within. For me personally now, myself extraverted, i realize i need to begin to learn from outside myself too more so. In collective community which is why i am grateful for your channel here on youtube :) also, thanks forr personally commenting
I had a great experience with therapy also.
That's wonderful 💕
@@annec4019It's awesome you became a therapist. As Anna and Patrick were saying, your experiences will help you relate to your clients. All the best to you.
47:40 - the meaning of recovery: "I'm going to recover that full awareness I was meant to have. We're not just trying to feel better; we're trying to come into bloom in a way we never have before with all that stuff that was tucked away by trauma, packed up."
P.T.: "It wasn't safe to be visible. Our cPTSD is repression of ourselves, repression of our emotions. And then the body freaks out when we try to reverse that process and be present. I think that's what recovery is: tolerating - tolerating more and more intimacy."
Lovely!
Those are exactly the two quotes I wrote down too!
I had a truly terrifying experience a couple of weeks ago. This was something that would not have / should not have terrified me (Am I self-shaming?).
A longtime friend told me about some dark times in his life, and how a single hand-written letter from me (around the 1990-1992 timeframe) made a difference in his life and changed his thinking around.
Why would something like that terrify me, sending me into a tailspin and fearful of communicating with him or anyone else for days??
Because I was taught in my narcissistic family that Danger Is Safe and Safe Is Dangerous.
I was seeing someone who was a really beautiful human as a teen; but he was driven away from me, and they force me, a la "Ella Enchanted," to kick him out of my life, while forcing me to allow users, abusers and cheaters into my life.
He didn't give up on me. I made the mistake of telling my narc mother that I was going to go to him as soon as I could, and she would never see me again. She and my maternal grandmother did something to me that qualifies as torture, to force my love out of my conscious mind. This hurt him, and me, for decades.
Therefore, Safe people cause me to be in very real serious grave physical, mental and emotional danger at home. Whereas, dangerous people who used me and perpetrated the belief that I was worthless, kept me 'safe' from her violence and abuse.
Henceforth, becoming close to people who feel safe, cause my subconscious to say, "Oh, hell no! The last time I trusted someone safe, my entire life was turned upside down and inside out." I've had a long series of relationships that have done nothing but make me feel worthless.
Now that the repressed memories have entered my conscious mind, through the grace of God, I can finally understand and begin to truly heal. I can make better decisions. I can trust my own ability to discern and intuit people and situations. I now choose my 'people.' Nobody chooses for me.
That is so complicated. Well done you for figuring it out finally.
Patrick is so animated. I see the boy in his 👀eyes. No wonder he works with children. He s the substitute teacher that we're glad to have sit in for our teacher.
He’s the definition of bright. I would love to be his neighbour and wave and chat every day. He’s wonderful. Would not hesitate to gift him a pie
He works with children?
@@smileyface702 our inner children for sure
❤❤
My daughter’s 7 year old friend was sick and getting sicker for weeks. I told the mother my daughter had strep and her daughter might have it too. She refused to take her daughter to the doctor. My last attempt was offering to pay for the doctor appointment. She never took her to the doctor. It broke my heart to witness this neglect.
My dad had a sister who died of "scarlet fever'' in the '30s. I believe scarlet fever is the same as strep throat. Can you imagine dying of strep throat? the pain would have been horrible.
@@ritamanley2301 :(
This helps me value how my kids will soak up music, Smells and food and texture of linens, clothes and cars that we use at home. I thought I was the only one struggling to ignore that these small things make a big difference.
The comment about TV shows helping us to know how to act normal,was so on point.
Yes! Was "Father Knows Best" reruns that showed me the safe life that i craved.
I *still* watch shows for this purpose.
The waltons.🙂
Star Trek
The ONLY positive influence on my childhood was Little House on the Prairie 🙏
Yes!!! The Brady Bunch, Little House on the Prairie, Partridge Family…,YES!!!
Kept me grounded and helped me to realize good values and balanced relationships.
I grew up in an abusive, poor, toxic, alcoholic household with a mother who showed no love or compassion for her children and a step-father who was an alcoholic and violent.
Then there was the sexual abuse by way of babysitters and so on.
My mother acted like she was not aware of the abuse that her sons experienced.
As adults she expects us not to talk about our childhood. My stepfather died at the age of 50 in 1994; never got a chance to confront him at all.
I am the only one fully awake in our family( the rest pretend, suppress, repress and passive-aggressively disconnects, silos, alienates, isolates and more.
I am the only one who sees clearly and chooses to do the healing working. I find myself alienated in my family as a result.🤔
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
It's no small thing to be kicked out of a toxic group. I always think of it, that they could not survive the light of your truth so of course you had to be expelled from their reality. Congratulations. You are not sick or evil or delusional Enough To make their $hitty grade.
Live a happy & well deserved good life enjoying yourself !!!
I think of being in an imperfect family like being in a cult. It took me decades to recognise that my father was a narcissist and how his domination of the household was crushing for me as a child. I married early and badly because home was so cold, impersonal, character destroying and unsupportive. You two are among the best I've found on RUclips! Jumped to watch when I saw you together.
I agree so much. I found cult deprogramming literature to be helpful in recovery 👍
100% my narcissist family was most definitely a cult, despite everyone around this person knowing she was abusive, they covered it up, shame on them, specifically those on the outside of the abuse (not abused) looking in! How can you look at children being abused and not speak up?!?! Cult!
Me too! Jumped to watch when I saw you together!
I think that same way! It wasn't enough just to comply with their rules; you literally had to adopt the 'right thinking' in order to survive, even if it meant sacrificing your own integrity to do so!!
Systemic therapy is helping me immensely. I come from a physically and emotionally abusive household and have chosen emotionally unavailable men to have relationships with, basically recreating the feeling of emotional abandonment and neglect that i had in childhood
Been there done that. I am the same age as crappy childhood fairy. But in the early 90s, I got a great therapist. And this was way before the Internet, where you would look somebody up first. I’ve been with them for years. He’s just provided such a healthy relationship for me to be in. And now I don’t seek out on healthy relationships. He was also at times without me knowing it like a surrogate parent. My therapist was a psychiatrist. Don’t underestimate how much they know and understand.
People knowing about the abuse and neglect and not helping hit me really hard as an adult when I found out. However, in my case, no one came to help. My mother was a raving, controlling narc and wouldn't let anyone come close enough to even barely speak to us, let alone help us.
I still wonder why no one called the police, I guess it was just how the times were back then.
There are a lot of videos on YT on CPTSD but you two are so human and accessible, understandable. You stand out and help without too much science. Thank you.
Wow, thank you!
Totally agree!
I started to cry when you were talking about having the dummy setup and going through what happened and having a social worker police officer something to go through how that should have played out. I had a moment come to mind that I wish I could relive just for that. Someone to intervene, someone to speak up on my behalf. Someone to scoop me up and tell me it's not my fault and it's okay. And to see that parent addressed directly for what they were doing. My mind just really imagine what that would look like and it completely overwhelmed me
Powerful!
Yes!!! I was crying as well!! I was taken back to the HS guidance counselor's office with my parents... and this time, in my imagination he listened to ME instead of my parent's justifications. I didn't have extended family so it took a lot of courage to "tell on them"... needless to say, the way he acted affected me in that I didn't trust professionals for a long time.
My husband was told to pack a suitcase for a trip at 13 by his mother and stepfather: they left him ( illegally) at an elderly woman’s house for “ bad boys”. He has never gotten over being abandoned like this and exhibits borderline personality disorder. His stepfather was a violent alcoholic and his mother passively accepted his abuse. I would like to know if he can ever get past this abandonment. I feel for his pain , but I also feel for myself and my kids’ pain to have lived with his trauma.
I thought I was done with this stuff. Divorce put me in a tailspin. My addiction my RAGE! Unlike anything ever. He knew my trauma and after 35 yrs retraumatized my inner children. Not what I thought I'd be doing at 57. I have counselor a therapist and 12 step meeting they fit together well. I meditate daily now substance free still house challenged. Yeah no Maslows but it's working. My higher power is working miracles every day and a home is near. So grateful to everyone that helped this broken old child.
Appreciate you sharing about your healing and recovery, thanks so much :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
My favorite two RUclips recovery humans, y’all resonate and have synergy. Made me smile and take notes several times. Thanks
Yeah, it was a very fun conversation.
Best interview! Really flowed, no awkward pauses on what to talk about like some interviews. Loved it!
I just discovered I have CPTSD, and I’m so relieved to finally understand why I am the way I am. I love how you explain that the trauma response is actually a normal response to abnormal events, how it is a genius way our childhood minds preserved us. That is so empowering to see it that way rather than as just a “yucky” dysfunction to fix.
“Getting parents to own their actions”. They never, and could never, have done that. The “family” was like a bus everybody rode on. They were the unit of importance. Drinking to excess was their normal. On and on. At 19, I was expected to be normal. Taking care of everybody else. When I watched TV, always hoped there was someone on the outside that would rescue me. As a survivor, we get such a skewed sense of “normal”. We spend a good third of our life trying to fit into our family. Then we get tossed out and told to figure it out, you’re an adult. So many good points in your video. Owning their actions. I can only think of two eggs in a frying pan sliding off to oblivion. It was an amazing video because for the first time I heard “I went through that too”. It wasn’t just me. My reality checker wasn’t horribly warped. But, my life was. Thank you.
Wow, spot on description. ^^^ sorry you had this experience. I was a caretaker too as early as 6 years old. Now I’m trying to heal for myself and my children
There is no "Normal"... That is an illusion. ALL there is, is one's own experience, which is different for every person
"Being seen is to be attacked".
OMG, that is so spot on.
I do wanted to do musical theatre.
I tried out a few times.
But the idea of standing in front of others, expecting everyone's full attention, triggered me off so badly I ended up seriously depressed. I could never work out why, as I liked to dance and sing, but the concept of performance destroyed me.
This conversation was INCREDIBLY validating, reassuring, and clarifying. It was exceptional to be party to this! Had my own realizations just listening and I’m sooooo glad this was recorded and available!!!🙏🏾
Yes… let’s do this again guys! This duo is fun AND impactful!
Oh good! Glad it was valuable!
I benefited from the discussion. I'm going to listen to it again.
I completely agree. Thanks for the program. I have found both of your discussions to be very well done. And providing it out there for those of us that have healed but need the reminders at times is wonderful. You have some excellent strategies for going beyond the acknowledging of the past. Who wants to relive that life over and over....not me..... :) Too much to enjoy in life now, and helping others is so much easier when one is healed up and stabilized. No, it's not selfish to heal. No one says that to a person with a physical ailment, that they are being selfish by healing! Oh...and at 51:38 excellent advice....
This was the most incredible hour and a quarter I've experienced 18 months into the painful darkness and slowly emerging / healing as an Anna devotee (my lifesaver) for the past year ... now 67 yrs old and working hard (DP) on new life ..
Thank You All ..
And strength to all those in pain .. keep up the hard work ..
Anna and Patrick.. please more of this cathartic and epiphanic format ..
Giving it a name(my family system) is what broke the wheel of self blame and many years of trying to fix myself as the family problem... Now that i can clearly see what's mine and what's theirs and the ways i was advised and calling it abuse i can solidly work on myself.
That's great! We're all sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
We’re healing ourselves because the services aren’t there!
I found a great trauma therapist by searching for one who did EMDR. She incorporated other techniques, and was such a warm kind professional, that I was able to make so much progress over the course of a year and a half. I had previously seen other therapists over the years, and never saw much improvement. I think it was a combination of the right therapist for me, and I was committed to get better. I think specifically putting EMDR in my search and discussing it first was really helpful.
Totally agree. EMDR seems to indicate trauma-aware trained therapists, in my experience.
What does EDMR stand for plz?
@@kathafulioEye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing therapy
I'm writing this during the picking therapist session- I found my therapist through my PCP, and during the first session I spilled my guts out about my awful childhood, and she just listened and made sure she understood what I was saying, then she made sure I had a safe ride and wasn't driving, and then I was hospitalised. After I was released and saw her again, she was like, "I'm so sorry but I don't treat trauma." And I didn't care, I told her that I liked her and I trusted her, and I would take what she could give, and then if I felt safe seeking other therapy then I would. 3 years later and I'm still seeing her, she listens gives me a vocabulary for my experience, and gives me things to research. This week she told me I sounded dysregulated, and I should look that up and see if I can try something different to calm down. So I found this video.
My approach to my therapy probably isn't perfect, but I feel safe and that's everything to me.
I think your approach sounds great. To me, you must have had some level of mental healthiness (good radar) in order to feel sure that she was a good therapist for you. And also to challenge her a little bit and say no I want to stay with you. I wish you the best you sound like you’re doing great already.
ooof, i just kept hearing the song "killing me softly" throughout this whole thing.. you know:
"Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song
Killing me softly with his song
Telling my whole life with his words
Killing me softly with his song"
this was phenomenal. dream team, seriously. thank you!
also, please please, could you both talk about healthy anger?? that would be incredible.
Good topic! Thanks for the suggestion. I'd love to collaborate with Patrick again.
Crappy Childhood Fairy I second the idea of discussing healthy anger!!! Communication skills are vital and yet are something that many lack. I have learned a lot along those lines but still struggle.
Yes, please do collaborate again! And addressing healthy anger would be amazing. Just quit my job and self-righteous anger came up for me internally a lot. I was devalued, yelled at, and underpaid, largely by my boss who was widely recognized as being entitled, aka quite narcissistic - ex, she would assume that we would close-up the building late if she felt like giving a tour that went overtime, or just continue working on whatever she was doing. Also, I recently had to instruct a freelance guy on how we are organizing materials, only to have him question everything I said, ignore it, and tell me its not my problem because I'm done there, and then he stormed off. I consider it a victory as a codependent that I did not reach out to him to reconcile, but it was hard and the sense of guilt and anger is there. Thank you, sorry so long!
Yes!!, great topic suggestion.. 😲
A deeply nastalgia song !! 🤔
Thank u for sharing !
One of my triggers is either hearing others in a conversation talk over another person or when someone does it to me. It just always led to bad things in my family.
Can relate so much to this whole discussion. I think depression presents as irrational anger for me. I get so angry and self righteous about injustices. Had to just redirect myself off of social media.
And it’s so hard to continue a friendship when someone disagrees w me about something. I get the urge to just write them off and literally say those words Patrick said in my head about them, “Ok now you’re just dead to me.” Even to the point where my emotionally intelligent kid said, “Oh Mom, so you’re annoyed at so and so? Does that mean we are never going to see them again?” 😂😢 Sometimes it is necessary to sever ties to keep our sanity and/or stay safe, but it’s also sometimes good to give people a chance. I have struggled for a long time to know the difference bc boundaries are just not a thing in my family of origin.
You are on the right track. Good work!
I was in my late 40's early 50's when I found the book Toxc Parents. I think it was written by Susan Forward. Until then I thought all of that early abuse was my fault. I was adopted and NEVER lived up to their standards. THEN years later I found out about narcissism. My adoptive mother was a full on Narcissisr. Adoptive father not only a pedafile but a drunk and died a really ugly death from his drinking. Adoptive mother told me when I begged her to stop him from trying to rape me that I deserved it because I was a whore and a slut like my birthmother. I was shut down for the last three years I lived at home. Still suffer from some shut down but not towards my animals. A friend over several years painted me a birthday card I still have for my 18th birthday. Congratulati8oins on your New Birth. I was finally free from them. I also did not have friends. Again years later I found out adoptive father also tried to rape them. OMG I am doing well now at almost 73 . that whole adoptive family is dead. I shed no tears over it.
I have so much compassion for you, I just want to give you a big hug!
@@susantalebzadeh9741 OH My Thank you. I really a m doing well now. I still avoid people. Feel safe on the internet. Locally I just stay to myself. Well except for my critters house plants and art. Thank you for the Big Hug. Means a lot you reached out.
I'm so sorry for all the pain you endured. I can't understand how people are able to slutshame children, that's insane. I know that some of them were probably treated this way in their own past and felt helpless to do anything about it, but still - why would anyone do that thing to another child when they have the opportunity to break that vicious cycle?
Thankfully you were able to keep your heart open enough to welcome animals and plants and care for them. Pets are so grateful for any kindness you can offer, they are able to keep up the spark of love in most lonesome places and darkest moments.
Blessings to you and all of your critters :)
😥😱
Susan Forward wrote Emotional Blackmail, excellent book for me.
"Bcz of disregulation I cannot form a memory of it" :( sums up how I feel about my life.
Yeah. it gets better.
I'm very excited for this collaboration
I agree with you Patrick, when you talk about holding your parents accountable.. Because as a trauma survivor and as a coach, what I've seen is a lot of traumatized adult children who are not able to get out of the trauma bond because they think everything is about forgiveness...and they don't realize that one of the biggest dysfunctional patterns they have themselves is not not be able to assert boundaries. If you can't hold on to yourself and hold your parents accountable for their abuse, then you won't ever heal. Healing in cptsd is about returning to yourself, to your core where you stay very grounded and in your truth and are able to tell a person that I'm not responsible for how you feel. You are! I'm responsible for how I feel. And when you can't respect the boundaries I assert, then I have to.... Because that is how I take responsibility for MY feelings. In my humble opinion if a therapist dobt focus on teaching a client that type of self empowerment, then I would never pay money to that person or waste my time with them. The whole point of therapy should be empowerment, not to make the person come back for years just repeating the same stories about their trauma while the therapist ask them how they feel....
I used RUclips to learn about trauma and start healing for about 2 years before getting into therapy, and now I'm doing both! I get compliments for doing good work, and I feel more secure in knowing what I need from her. I feel like I'm in control of my journey, and I don't think I would be getting as much out of my therapy without these resources.
Thank you to both of you for offering us help and help for everyone no matter their income!
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
On CPTSD.
Most songs from the 80s give me heart crushing flash backs.
One particular by Australia crawl called reckless 1983.
The flat were my mum used to keep me I sometimes have to drive by for work.
I used to sit in my car near the flat and try and understand the scope of feeling.
It was a universe unto it self.
Its a funny feeling to fall backwards through time like the feelings somehow make you evanescent and hallow, empty yet so clear.
To travel with out moving.
To have feelings that rob one of the moment.
Crashing through the walls of my mind.
Like my own private monster that no one can see or hear.
The life you own.
On the flip side of that, to know I am never going back.
Never.
I will take death before I go back.
To have really lived seen and felt.
I’m in Australia too and music gives me massive “heart crushing” flashbacks also
Talk therapy sucked for me...I dreaded therapy, I dreaded everything it brought up... talking about it did nothing...I started having severe anxiety each day that got closer to my therapy day .. thankfully I'm free of that...I'm grateful for Pete Walker and all of you and so many other amazing people here on RUclips, that have helped me go towards healing ❤️
RUclips therapy saved me. 3 years watching Patrick and Dr. Les Carter have saved and rejeuvenated my sense of being. ❤😊
5.30 + Where Patrick says, when we've gone through some significant healing, we lose interest in those stories.... So hopeful, & so validating as I make changes. Thank you both.
Yes. Thanks!
I remember discovering ACOA and thinking this is my mom. I showed her and she completely ignored it. If she had sought help I feel things would have turned out very differently. We can only lead a horse to water. We can’t make them drink. Thank you for all you are doing to serve others and shed light on CPTSD 🙏
The part about TV shows and learning how to act normal through them, because we never learned how to socialize properly at home... that hit me hard. I thought it was just me - this is so validating to hear. Anna and Patrick are also just fantastic. Thank you both for all you do
It can be very reassuring to find out we aren't the only ones :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy indeed it is :) With every validation, I can breathe more deeply.
I hadn't realized that was a 'thing.' I knew that I learned how to act from television shows. I still say, "How do you do?" when greeting someone, because of a television show I watched as a child.
Oh my Gosh!! I hid that I did that. I watched TV and consumed novels to try and figure out what normal was, cause it certainly wasn't what I saw at home!! Cheers fellow Travelers💜
You two are like peas and carrots / Lennon and Macartney fantastic dynamic between you both xxx
Anna and it’s great to hear from a genuinely authentic guy the male perspective of CPTSD.
Def look forward to you both jiving together again. I agree Re hearing more about displaying healthy anger. Great topic x
Simon and Garfunkel
Hospital smells, and loud noises makes me panic to the point that I feel like I'm going to throw up, and pass out. Just being around people. I can be ok one on one. Less so with two people. Three or more, I feel very uncomfortable. If those three people are talking loudly, I can't take it. Something that triggers me really hard is when someone says something mean, but the tone and body language is all pleasant. Even if they don't know they are doing it. Alcoholic dad, religious narcissistic mother, and very disturbed brother, being bullied, and molested by others. I've learned to live with suicidal thoughts every single day since I was around 14. Now that I'm 39 I'm actually surprised I'm still here. I've never really planned for the future because I honestly didn't think I'd still be alive. It's hard enough to put one foot in front of the other, and take life one day at a time. Anything more and I get super depressed with a lot of self loathing. I believe I might also have AVPD too. I really do hide away as much as I can.
@Jesse Halter, I've made it to 63 (to my surprise!) Here's a thought; every organism, down to microscopic things, have self preservation as their basic program. If OUR brains are giving any other dictates, that's our cue that our thoughts have gone awry! I hope the very best for you. I see now how much I would have taken away from others if I'd taken myself out. Suicide is a permanent solution but only for one person, it only moves grief to others. I pray peace finds your heart. I don't know you but you have worth!
I sometimes think I was a dog in a past life, because I have a very sensitive olfactory system, and i can often detect things others cannot, and it makes me quite unpopular at times! I think smell is one of the most powerful, and consequently triggering things there is. It can transport you the way certain songs can, to an exact moment in time. I totally get what you're saying. I'm sorry you're finding life so very tough. I get that bit, too.
@@jennytaylor3324 it could be what is called "hyper-vigilance" It's a symptom of PTSD according to DSM-5. When we live in an unsafe or perceived unsafe environment we become hyper aware of everything going around us to keep us on our toes so we can be ready for whatever comes next, it's a survival instinct which cause us to develop hyper sensitivity to sound, smells, makes us more Distractible bcz everything pulls our attention towards it, etc.
@@katiekane5247 You assume I have people that I would care if they were sad. I don't, but I get the point.
@@lunasea4309
Thank you
Thank you , I don’t feel alone anymore
Beautiful.
Wow, my two favorite channels for healing 💕
He makes me super uncomfortable sometimes, he just spells it out rapid fire and so honeatly.... but also validates the experience. Anna is awesome and this is awesome to listen to their discussion
Same here!
I have followed Patrick. I luv his work. I am becoming a trauma specialist counselor. Luv this talk. Thank you💝( when u think that CPTSD is not even in the DSM-5 😣)
I know, right?
Ehhhh, the DSM-5 hasn't been properly updated since 1925 or something! (ok, that's a SLIGHT exaggeration, but you know what I mean! lol)
So awesome to see you two! I found you both at the same time on RUclips and you both have helped me understand myself at 43 years old. What a tremendous surprise this morning to wake up to! Thank you both for all of your work! ❤❤❤
Yep. I think I found them both last year. I was excited to see them collaborate.
Im honestly so grateful for the collab with them thought I would never heal and I still struggle at 18… drained and I lack concentration Buh I still Try to get stuff down to feel better and to grow
i have similar experiences with talking about my childhood with therapists. but it feels completly different sharing my experiences with other people whi share similar experiences in a safe structured setting (in my case ACA). it´s so tremendously healing to look in a face thats nodding with understanding, not, as in my case with over 10 different therapists, shock or fear or confusion... so yeah...if you haven´t lived through it, the likelihood you can help me get out of it is very very low.
Yes! That "what on earth?!?" face! We help each other.
Thank you both. Your conversations stop me feeling so isolated. I love how you both not only offer experience and insight but also ways to move forward, and approaches to healing. Like you both say, talking therapy may give me that Tetrus moment, but it really is about "What now?", how to live Now!, and move forward with strategies to creating a healthier, happier and healing way of life.
Yes! Happiness!
Yes as an adult, you wish to be really seen but as a child PT said, "to be seen meant to be attacked.." That took many yrs and experiences to be comfortable being seen. Thank you both, I wstch and love my time with you. Oh one thought, a HS guidance counselor told me after I explained I stayed out of school two weeks. My bipolar Mom was drinking and my Dad had run off to drink somewhere away from Mom and I took care of my 2 younger siblings 3yrs old and 1 yr old. The counselor said, "That sounds like a movie." My oldest brother made a visit and verified the real need for my absence. Thank you my brother.
These days they couldn't have just brushed this off!
kia ora Anna - I hadn't found your content, though did find Patrick a couple of months back - that bit abut 47:49 when you're talking about your dad - I've only shared a similar moment with a few people - long story short - my dad was officially diagnosed with alzhimers when I was 19 - though deep down I knew at 16 - this man who was my rock in the storm of my family, who loved words - stopped talking. i was out for a walk with him & one of my sisters - and stopped to help someone - didnt even give it a second thought - but look in my dads eye - it was so bright, brighter then the sun - a look of love & pride - what? why that look? for THAT - that was nothing - just did it automatically, without thunking (as corny as it sounds, helped a little elderly lady cross the street - well her trolly actually - moved it onto smooth payment from the rough bit - took just a second - and rejoined my dad and my sister (talking away - she didn't even notice I'd left to help this woman - my dad did - it was SO BRIGHT - I couldn't look at him. mess of tears, in good way - thank you
Thank you for sharing that.
Kia Ora Julia! So nice to see another mana wahine toa on this kind of video ka pai to us hey! I pray you’ve found some healing since you last commented, your papa can see you and how you shine and you shine the most when you are doing stuff that comes natural to you, like helping the elderly! I hope you think of his bright smile when you need a reminder of who you are and where you come from
God bless
Not even fifteen mins in and crying 🤍☀️🌟 We are so brave! 🕊
Yes we are!
My two favorite you tubers on one podcast! Made my day and so helpful to my recovery. Please join up again!
So glad you enjoyed it! - Ashley, Team Fairy
I love that she pointed out how societal biases effects kids care during these predicaments ✨
So true Patrick!!! Most therapists have zero idea
My parents’ trauma inflicted on me. My trauma inflicted on my children. They are finally facing their trauma at the same time I am struggling to face mine. I want to hope for this ugly cycle to end. I’m here. Listening and taking notes. Thank you both
To be seen is to be attacked. Major freak out when a therapist asks to tape a session 😱
I suggest starting with the 'Daily Practice', it's a free mini course found here courses.crappychildhoodfairy.com
-Cara@TeamFairy
My new doctor asked me where I grew up. I said, I'm hoping to do that here!
Lol!
Whoa, stop the clock at minute 39 when Patrick says, "I'm a pretty good musician until you put a mic in front of me.... because I think in childhood, to be seen was to be attacked" WOW! 10 minutes later he talks about his experience as a four-year-old where it was safer to be invisible around his father. That as children our coping mechanism may be repressing our self while the challenge of recovery as an adult is learning to tolerate intimacy. Yes. Repress->blowup repeat. time to break the cycle. 'Being self-righteous (defensive) is a sign that you're triggered' Noted. Thanks, Patrick and Anna. Do this again!
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Yes Anna and Patrick thank-you for having child in your YT channel name.
Thanks for absolutely all content and the strength to keep doing so.
I agree that CPRSD can come back even harder through time. I had done ptsd work 15 years ago and thought I was healed. Not!
Yeah, it lurks...
You two are so cool to listen to.... It feels like listening to brothers and sisters in we have been through the same things... We can relate to each other...
YES, we have people now :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Voices of the survivors has been the HOME of the healing. Thank you. Powerful insights
Hot damn, Christmas is early!
Lol
45:00~ It's not your fault, Anna. None of us are to blame for what happened to us and there is such comfort in hearing other similar stories. You and Patrick together are a dynamic duo and such a blessing for so many. Thank you both for your work and may the Lord bless you abundantly🙏
Thank you for all that insides! I realized I was healed when I watched the rain window and caught the feeling that I was no longer sad when I watched the raindrops slide down the glass. I am to protect my inner child I really called the police for mum after she had a rabid outburst in my adulthood, I felt like I had handed over the cult leader to justice. But the police was knowledgeable, and saw that it was a family trauma.
It is an absolute miracle that I found both of you during the pandemic and at the peak of extremely difficult complex post-traumatic stress response after gun violence on the job and you know the rules of complex childhood trauma. I too have for decades tried to find therapists and none of them have any of the skills that you and Patrick share. I've shared your work with so many of my friends and students because all of the people I teach whether they are children, teens, adults or older adults are all survivors of parental abuse. I want to call it - not childhood trauma - but parental abuse. Societal abuse and neglect. Cultural complicity with abuse.
29:31 hits the nail in the head, both your channels are very helpful in identifying what's the problem and how to go about self healing. I was literary saying this morning to my friends I really appreciate what the internet has afforded us, as Anna says, even the little services available are quite expensive and out of reach for many. Best takeaway from this is recovery is learning healthier coping skills/mechanisms from healthier people.
love that you two are teaming up ! i watch both your channels...and also "therapy in a nutshell" wonderful to hear all you together 🙏🙏
I relate to both of you when you describe your childhoods. It has helped a lot. Thank you.
I do think that it is wonderful that people with CPTSD (who lived it) have the platform to speak about their experiences, share feelings, and techniques to get clarity on our pasts & present behaviours, whether or not they are accredited. Experience, empathy and compassion are the foundation to really connect with others and allow healing to begin. You both have that in abundance. To show us from a place of experience how to feel good about and love ourselves, is truly evolutionary for humanity. To have society recognize as a base reality that we all have trauma will help us all be kinder to each other. With the internet you guys are healing a new generation as soon as they can acknowledge that "somethings not right" and can dispense with years of trying to find the therapist that gets it. Wow, 3 therapists, 8 months of psychotherapy education and no one said that Childhood trauma is a neurological condition....... that BLEW MY MIND and has been instrumental in me being able to anchor in and integrate acknowledgement of my Love of God within. Thank you. Bless you.
One of my sister's therapist had her imagine our (deceased) alcoholic mother sitting in a chair & tell our mother how she felt about what she had went through & how angry she was. For me, it isn't helpful for my healing, but my sister said it helped. Thanks for sharing helpful skills.
Yeah, I've learned more than ever that different people respond to different approaches.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thanks, Ms. Runkle. Appreciate ya!
'To be seen was to be attacked' I never managed to express that. My father said that I was his favourite child as I never made any noise or demands. He put me down to the carpet with a toy or something and I was there for hours without making my presence known. I still to this day often just sit quetly on my own not making any noise not to draw attention.
I hear both you guys from time to time. This is the best. I love his play roles and I love your ability to verbalize my innermost brokenness and trauma that I had no words for .thank you so much. I m the mother in recovery who relies on these videoes to understand her messed up muddy emotions better
You too are amazing!!! Thank you for not waiting to be invited at the table!! You made your own table!! You’ve both helped me so much on my healing journey!!!
Yes your comment about HS guidance counselor saying “be kinder to your mom”! I was sent to the school counselor in 7th grade because I was uncontrollably crying in class. They could have changed my life dramatically had they asked about my family dynamics. My dad had threatened my life. But she said I just had PMS.
💐
Oh my. I’m so sorry that happened!!
We can name these things now, thank Heaven. I had contacted a therapist saying 'I have CPTSD'. She replied: 'I'll be the judge of that', with that patronizing attitude so widespread among the therapists I have encountered so far. I saw this huge red flag and of course didn't proceed with her. If the therapist hasn't done any child trauma work on themselves, it's all wasted time, money and energy because they will not know what you're talking about, they won't be able to be of any help, they will side with your parents and by the way you'll slip into dependency mode with them - which doesn't allow you to grow. 'Holding your parents accountable' - I couldn't agree with you more Patrick.
Also, the importance to express anger yes, but also follow up with it.
Thank you for this truly inspiring dialogue, you are both people I would love to work with.
I had a perfect score on the ACE test, and been diagnosed with CPTSD, later in life. Not sure how I got here.
I trigger on so many things, songs, smells, flavors, old ads and art work…life can get real tough sometimes.
My first memories were the hope for my real family to come get me, with many years of terror to follow.
Even with life’s success and many blessings, I have never felt at home or able to relax, even in my own house.
I have heard we are the result of universe feeling itself, Like a nerve ending. I wish instead of a pain nerve, it might have been better to be a taste bud.
You are. poetic thinker. A gift.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I am no one
@@buckyes6749 No. You are YOU. And that is everything.
@@ladybaabaa3294 thanks Lady. Very sweet
@@buckyes6749 It's also true.
Thank you. Walking out of therapy feeling deregulated and almost forgetful.
My mother became a therapist after a career as a teacher. She was all about what was called “origin of family.” Point number 2, trauma from my behaviors as an adult, even though related to childhood. Anna, I am a 65 year old man, you are going to change my life.
Yes The Brady Bunch and hanging out at my best friend’s house way too much were when I felt safe. TV was my godparent.
godparent, lol!
8 o’clock Friday night Brady Bunch be there
I felt so light hearted listening to these two talking, is so good to see healthy balanced interactions like that ❤
Being parented by TV shows and characters and using that to feel like you're part of a normal family and how to act around people Healthily is SO REAL 😔
“Inevitable improvisations that are life” thanks Anna. What a beautiful description of the daily challenge that comes when trying to isolate less.
Also Brady Bunch, Little House on the Prairie and Parenthood have all been very important touchstones for me too.
Thanks as always.
Yous are my favourite ! How special for us to have you both together! Precious
Since I found about you two, I keep getting better and better.
Wow, that's amazing! Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Yesss Patrick is here ! Can't miss listening to him. ❤ every word, every single video he ever made. Is priceless
Smells always trigger me. Iam very happy to see how it's used in therapy. I always bring perfumes, oils, flowers that remind me of good times in childhood. It keeps me stable and safe.
The marigolds used in weddings, the star jasmine on summer mornings with water on them, smell of rain with dry cake earth
Such a good point about how finding a good therapist takes more than just checking their website profile. Listen to your gut! If you feel like you don't gel with them, if you leave feeling icky or bad about yourself, move on and find someone else. I stayed with an unhelpful therapist for a year because I convinced myself that she was qualified to help me based on her areas of interest stated on her website, one of which included skin picking disorder. In the first session, I said I wanted help with skin picking, that was the whole reason I chose her! But it was never brought up again. People struggling with anxiety, depression and trauma are highly vulnerable to being taken advantage of by unscrupulous therapists. This particular woman milked me for a year and did absolutely nothing to help me apart from seeming to relish all the awful details of my childhood. It is so true what CCF said about some therapists just wanting to comb over my misery in a weird voyeuristic way that just made me feel like a circus freak. After every session with this woman I felt worse about myself because I didn't get any hint of her having any personal experience with abuse or trauma at all. In a way, her being perfectly presented and poised and well-spoken was just a massive trigger because it reminded me of how my mum would act in public or where she thought people would judge on appearance. I hate that therapist for shamelessly taking money I could barely afford for useless treatment rather than referring me on to someone who could actually help me. If I had found another therapist sooner I might have left the emotionally abusive relationship I was in at the time, and actually stood my ground with my mum.
Great talk 💜