Another narcissistic trait I've noticed in myself that wasn't mentioned: the strong desire for attention and admiration from others. I've spent many years feeling invisible and unimportant which has resulted in this.
Honestly in the healed mind I can tell you it is natural to want admiration and attention and definitely a little healthy validation is all good for the self esteem. Human beings are not meant to be a one man army. The difference is if you don’t get that attention or validation is the way and the extent it wounds you. If you walk away from a situation and you were under appreciated maybe totally ignored and maybe even the butt of a painful but funny joke. If you internalize this and talk bad to yourself and do bad behavior that’s something to work on. But if you walk away and notice what assholes those people were to you and you realize they are the ones with a problem of letting and giving you credit where it’s due, then knowing who you are you decide to blow it off and maybe start to stay away from that person or those people and not be mean to yourself and think in absolutes…you’re fine. I worked in PR and I’ve worked conventions and I naturally knew who needed a compliment. When a friend or stranger does an excellent job or goes above and beyond for me and or others I am compelled to acknowledge them. We all need this
For me, I think that I keep trying to make up from not getting the care, love, recognition and appreciation for who we are separate from others, especially our emotionally, physically absent and/or preoccupied parents.
For me it was the constant need to seek male approval (because narcissistic father never paid attention and certainly never approved or complimented etc).
In my experience, CPTSD has caused me to be overly self-protective which could look like narcissism because I've learned over the decades to put myself and my life first in order to survive.
And becoming *untrusting* and defensive for self-protection, which makes you less open to good people and good things, sadly. It's certainly a challenge to learn how to install boundaries for unwanted people & behaviours in your life, whilst learning how to open up and be trusting with good people and behaviours.
Finding out I have CPTSD actually has made me think of my behaviors when my kids were little. I thought I had broken the cycle because I didn’t have drugs and alcohol in my home, I didn’t hit my kids or call them names but I did so many other things. I was distant at times, completely disassociate at times. I still had a temper. I can really get over the childhood stuff done to me. I can get treatment etc. I am sad I didn’t know I had CPTSD when my kids were little. I would have been a better mom. I thought I was so self aware. I now know I had no idea.
Dear don’t worry, you can do things better now. Accept your children as they are, accept their choice, approve them. Even that my parents were very unmature I would loved them to be better parents now. To accept me as I am, to say to me you are doing good, you are a good person, but they don’t and maybe never will.
Same, with the non drinking, calm, narcissist. I remember feeling this way. . My twin daughters are 21 and I am now holding myself accountable by acknowledging my shortcomings when they were little. I was under his spell. I didn’t know any better. Thought I was doing the right thing. “For the family”. They are forgiving me. As they see their dads N behaviors more evident without me being a buffer like I was doing back then. Now they get it. and I am here to coach to hold onto themselves.
I think it’s never too late. Like many of you, I grew up in a chaotic house and have C-PTSD. I didnt really understand back then what was going on. I felt pretty bitter and resentful. In my mid 20’s my father authentically and deeply apologized for his role, and I was able to totally let go of any negative feelings toward him. My Mother has never been able to do this, so I feel more conflicted with her. But I am able to look at the challenges they had in their own childhoods with more compassion.
I have recently realized that I am suffering with this and I currently have young children. In fact, seeing how my behavior effects my kids really helped open my eyes to how damaged I am. Problem is, healing is hard by itself. Healing while also trying to do better as a parent with large amounts of guilt is even heavier. I need to save my children from continuing the cycle but I'm not at a good place myself yet. It's alot of pressure, my kids are pre-teens and teens and this is a very pivotal time of development for them, I've already screwed up the first part and so anxiety is peeking through for them already. I just don't know how I'm gonna get it all together in time. And yet I know the pressure of this situation is not helpful, especially for my tendency towards avoidance. I mean how do you reparent yourself and parent someone else at the same time?
Abbie you have given yourself the best tool to healing, understanding you have to do better. Teenagers are already on their own path they will test out what you have taught them and stumble with wrong choices.
The entitlement problem with narcissism tends to come from a place of callous disregard for the efforts of others and an expectation for others to provide, which is I think tends to happen when kids were raised in homes where they had easy access to needs with low expectation for earning their needs. I think in a home where a child was raised with chronic neglect to the extent that they never learned self efficacy basics, there is often the desire to be able to self provide or to have obligation towards others, but its the low self worth that can lead us to conclude that what we offer has no value. Especially if we look around and see the world being smoothly run by people who grew up in stable environments where they were able to develop strong efficiency skills. I think a person with C-PTSD is more likely to avoid anything that questions their competency because we don't want to revisit the wound of failure/shame, so much that it can get easier to hide and allow others in our lives to take control of our basic needs. The narcissist, covert or overt, is more likely to be volition oriented whenever it provides supply, or to seek out reward when they feel their self esteem is threatened. People with NPD rarely feel shame for being a burden because they justify deserving it, but the shame of being a burden for the C-PTSD individual is usually so high that when it is triggered, they socially withdraw because they think they don't deserve to exist.
Important points for trauma survivors. CPTSD can indeed sometimes look like covert narcassism unfortunately. Especially when strongly identifying as a victim. We are not responsible for what happened to us in the past- but we are responsible to heal from it. A lot of these narcassistic tendencies that manifest with CPTSD also push mentally healthy people away and can even ruin relationships. Worse still they attract unhealthy toxic people which we really don't need. Also not getting stuck in being a victim and thinking no one understands is so important. When I start going down the "nobody understands my trauma" road (not true at all), while that feels valid it can turn into a toxic mindset quickly. I remind myself of Holocaust survivors like Victor Frankl and Dr. Edith Eger as anchors who overcame unthinkable horrors to stop that unhealthy mindset in its tracks. It can sometimes be a trickly balance of validating what we experienced and healing but moving forward with self awareness is so critically important.
@@phriedokra6158 Everyone's suffering is subjective. It Is their own. We experience everything through our own lens. And everyone is in different places in their healing. I know how you feel, I understand. I often think" you couldn't have made it through a day in my life as a kid", but damn, we only know what we know... 💓
What happens if your parent also had CPTSD that felt like narcissism, which is what caused your CPTSD? And now you’re trying not to cause everyone around you to have CPTSD? Generational trauma is something I’m starting to realize is actually very powerful. I spent my entire childhood hearing about my Mom’s traumatic childhood and how we all needed to help her heal her inner child. Then my oldest sister, who became a narcissist also because of this, traumatized many of us. Now I’m trying to forgive them both for the multi generational trauma they suffered and passed on. They suffered from CPTSD also. And now so I and now I need to take that and fix it, and not just be bitter about it.
I’m thinking you are healing in a positive way. How’s it going for ya a year later? That question is for you. How much have you learned and how much has it changed your life. It’s a question for you. Heck, I’m just someone Cheering ya on.
Same issue in my family. My mother was heavily abused to the point she was diagnosed with PTSD - but only AFTER I had already moved out at the age of 18. So basically I was living with an unconscious mother that to this day displays overwhelming signs of strong narcissism including the need to be praised constantly when I feel like I'm not narcissistic but show strong symptoms of it.
The first people we all model our behavior after are our family. It sucks, but if you only have lousy role models, it's going to be a long road. But we've always been more than a member of "X" family and it will end up being just one detail about our life. Keep moving and remember that Anna does a great job responding to all of us, so ask questions if you get stuck. Good luck on your journey.
@Love My Doggy I believe it’s a mixture of nature and nurture. Some people are somehow predisposed to be jerks/great no matter what - just as some of us were more predisposed to the risk of developing PTSD, while others can recover from (most) things more easily. It might be because of differences in neurological structures (everyone’s brain is slightly different, and most change in various ways through our lives with experience).
I like to remind myself that I am not a victim, anymore. I'm a survivor. Actually, I am not just a survivor, either. I'm an overcomer. It's really important to remind myself these things because the main problem that trauma causes is the victim mindset it creates in those that experience it. It's like an insideous poison that finishes off it's victims slowly if you don't take an antidote to counter it.
Someone once told me something that helped me understand how to explain "the not a competition thing" to people who tend to have that reaction as a defense. It was this. "A person who drowns in 2 feet of water is equally as dead as a person who drowns in 2000 feet of water." The only difference is recovering the body. It helped me to learn how to look at and validate others and my own experiences and understand they affect everyone uniquely.
A huge step ive taken in my self awareness is not spilling out all my problems to people. I noticed I do that so people look at me like “wow she went through so much and look how good she’s handling her life”. Another thing I do to control how people view me. I noticed I tend to meet a lot of ppl who spill out their life so early bcus I listen closely. It’s kind of a red flag bcus I know why I used to do that but I tend to just keep it noted lol
Ohhh I felt that as you just put a mirror in my face that I SO NEEDED 💯 I was spilling my guts & couldn't figure out WHY until I read this 🥈 Searching for Validation city 🤣🚫 I have done much better just being aware. Anyway, THANK YOU!!!
It's good that you noticed that about yourself, but to assume that others are spilling their guts for the same reasons you did is unfair to them! They might just have very different reasons. Desperation, for example, without caring how they appear to the world. I did that! Some compassionate people were very supportive, others thought I was a mess. So what. Pinning a red flag on anyone who is spilling pain is a bit harsh, though it is entirely fair to observe how they are going about things and intuiting their behavior without full-on mind reading.
I'll save your comment for myself because this is something I didn't realise I'm doing until I read your comment and your self awareness about it is helping all of us to realise this about ourselves.
This is great. I definitely have a martyr complex. I was severely abused my whole childhood by my father. When I was fifteen (during one of his suicide attempts gone wrong) he set himself on fire and died. I was the only one who witnessed it, so you can imagine it instilled this identity in me, as “the girl who witnessed a horrible thing”. I definitely need to humble myself and realize, that people live through life everyday having to see horrific things as well.
What an example! That IS quite horrible and I understand how it could become an identity. Good on you for knowing there is more to you. -Cara@TeamFairy
My heart goes out for you to have experienced that. I also was abused by my father and I stopped it around 16 by standing up to him. We lost him a couple years ago when he fell and hit his head. I took care of him and I found him on the floor.
Always so refreshing. I'm willing to bet this applies to the vast majority of folks who find themselves on either side of "narcissist/empath" dynamics. Everyone's just a hurt person who appears invulnerable hurting others by overcompensating for their vulnerability.
Victims of victims. That's what they said in ACOA. When I get over- involved with my family and my boundaries are all messed up, I wind up dysregulated and running to people for help in a panic.
@kahlo Diego this is me exactly. My five siblings and I all live in different states and my mother as well. My alcoholic abusive dad is dead. Died two years ago. But the results of his abuse are still there for all of us. And we continue to trigger each other, even from a distance. Not on purpose. It’s so hard. You want it to be okay with them, but it never is. All of us suffer with Cptsd . :( in 30 years we have all been in one room only once.
One thing I've seen, personally in my daughter, is that C-PTSD can closely resemble BPD as well. For her, it did not resemble narcissism as much as Borderline Personality Disorder.
Yep. Many psychologists can't tell the difference either. I thought most of the stuff she talked about sounded more Borderline. But then again ,BPD has Narcissistic elements too...so they kinda overlap. The motives are just different in the way they manifest. Borderlines often have the value and devaluing stages, called "splitting"...one minute they love you and a moments later they hate you. You're their best friend, and then they get triggered and you're their worst enemy. Their paranoia kicks in and they distrust you immensely, then an hour later they may calm down and trust you again. People with CPTSD have a more consistent pattern of *lack* of trust. They don't usually engage in splitting. CPTSD is a stress issue. As she pointed out, it isn't a personality disorder.
I have CPTSD from childhood emotional neglect. I was neglected because my mom has borderline, due to neglect from her mom, etc. It's intergenerational, so I never wanted kids. I think CPTSD is kind of a "borderline light"
@@deep6301 do you have the condition? Movies are terrible ways of portraying mental illness or trauma. Bessel van der kolk is good so is Judith Herman. Going around diagnosing people based on pop psych and media even books written by therapists in dangerous
Actually writing about this subject, I recognized my mother's narcissism in myself, also recognized how she neglected me but I understood it was because she was overwhelmed..if we are not carful these traits can be carried from one generation to the next, people need desperately to hear this stuff . It also gives the abused and neglected some comfort knowing why they suffered in childhood and power back to change the pattern
@@jannajohnsen1796 Thank you for this clarification because I was told that narcissists have had severe trauma at such a young age they don't remember it and thus a catalyst to being a narcissist. My worst adult experience was of the spoiled golden child who was a gaslighting predator that enjoyed abusing his partner verbally and then violently physically assaulted me when informed that I would seek outside support. He played the 'no witness victim' and I was accused of causing my own injuries, including broken bones. I did not assault him at all. What I had to learn and understand was that I should never have allowed even one verbal abuse against me without finding community support. This long delay reinforced his feelings of power over me and entitlement to move from verbal abuse to physical assault. Strong boundaries are so necessary in life but many survivors of childhood trauma do not have firm boundaries due to so much boundary-crashing violations growing up in a dysfunctional family.
@@dianaboughner7977 every crappy action can be forgiven if someone feels even slight remorse, my narcissistic ex was as close to evil as i can think of i saw no remorse in his eyes. he would throw water on me in the middle of the night because i didn't put something away etc. and it made him feel like he was special, he almost made me hate the human race
@@leahflower9924 I am sorry you went through such horrible experiences like this. Yes, they can certainly wear you down over time. Whether they are aware of everything and the possible outcomes or not they can certainly harm their partners repeatedly. I learned to never show fear or tears because somehow this just made him strut like a peacock and escalate the abuse.
It's so interesting watching this after being diagnosed with C-PTSD and being on a healing journey for three years! My biggest breakthrough was acknowledging that I was indeed emotionally neglected by my parents, BUT how I was responsible for what was happening to me as an adult due to that neglect. I had the complication of dealing with a narcissistic parent as well I learned! I had to take accountability for how I was coming off to others and how I was perpetuating toxic behaviors without realizing and THAT'S why I was attracting toxic people into my life. Looking back it's wild to see how different I am now. Not being blinded or staying in a victim mentality is how I've been able to grow.
My narcissistic trait: learned unhelpful helpfulness. The proof of my benefit was what I could do and that maladaptation is still ruining my relationships and professional opportunities. I'm overtly helpful and thoughtful and I'm understand just how much well-adjusted people HATE that bullshit. Doing well myself is like stepping into a canoe with my eyes closed. Thanks CHF. You helped me understand.
I can't tell you how much I love this video. The thing I really like about your channel and your way of dealing with CPTSD is that you don't make it a black and white abuser versus victim thing. I can't relate most videos about narcissism because they make the narcissist into some one dimensional abusive villain and the poor codependent is just swept up within the evil spell, and that's not my experience. Some people would call my partner a narcissist but I have many screwed up, narcissist trait myself that did just as much, perhaps even more, harm to our relationship and my mental well-being (For instance, I have dropped people when good things happen to them because I get so bitter and jealous.) I have a crippling fear of upsetting and disappointing people that makes me shut down, and while it would be easy, and I actually have gotten mad at others for not making it easier for me to express myself, I know the ultimate responsibility to get over that fear is on me, and I do have the power to do it. So thank-you for calling out narcissistic traits that a lot of people let pass because we think we are the victim, the empath, the codependent, etc.. I really admire how you model taking personal responsibility, and for reminding people that they do have it in them to heal and live better.
I just want to say ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I really appreciate comments that normalise being open about our toxic traits that we're working on. We're doing our best. I really recommend reading up on polyvagal theory and some of the 'newer' therapies like Internal Family Systems. That one in particular is very non pathologising and acknowledges that parts of us are in conflict just trying to survive and get their needs met and oftentimes in maladaptive ways but they're still trying.
if you become trauma bonded to a narc you don't have to just see yourself as a victim or target but the narc pretty much does see you as a target, the reason why trauma bond is so successful is i'm an empath so if the narc is my partner i will rationalize some of what they do and link it with my own flawed behaviors. the narc still is basically being predatory though IMO.
@@leahflower9924 you explained exactly what this person did in this thread they don’t understand the difference between themselves and their so called narc. One is they see their flaws but does their so called narc see theirs ? That’s the difference
Honestly Anna, if you lost 3 close family members, got attacked and dumped in one year and a "friend" tells you you are self-centered for talking about it too much and not being able to focus on them too, then I think that is not a friend but a very selfish person with no empathy... !You were right about being mad at first !
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I understand that and of course I don't know the details of the situation that time, for instance the duration and closeness of that friendship, if they had many problems themselves etc... But the way you say it in the video, it sounds like this person was just being outright callous and rude to you.
It’s also why when I see friends acting in a selfish way, that my first thoughts are wondering what is going on for them. Anna, I love your channel, it is so informative and helpful that you have gone through this and healed. It’s true that many people can not understand what we go through as they have no context, and it’s OK. There are plenty of people who do resonate and don’t stay in the victim role.
@@annarunkle9819 They had probably already crossed their boundaries with you and then lashed out in overwhelm, which is understandable but not really justified.
Oh Boy, this really resonates with me! It's eye-opening to realize that my desire to shield myself from triggering situations and cope with stress actually does show up in these ways! I love that you encouraged us to think about the idea of building a New Identity as a person who is no longer a victim, or learning to become a person who is no longer a victim. I love the idea that I don't need to be special or have any sort of special story to be good enough to find peace and healing.
Every single person has some “story” some are worse than others and that can help with gratitude for me when I’m struggling. As long as you know you’re special that’s all that counts!
I had experienced the same as you Anna. I experienced two closest family members die in 4 years, and then got terribly bullied at work, falsely led by my friends in investments and lost all of my money, dumped by the guy who I devoted my heart and emotions to, and then attacked by a man lived next door, and then got cheated by the HR of the new job I found later when I found I can’t continue to bear the bullying anymore at the former workplace. I was dead, and deeply depressed. But I didn’t die.
Thank you for this! I'm so over people shouting narcissist at people like a label but failing to recognize that person was let down in life and became that way for a reason. You always read that narcissists can never be cured but honestly maybe not cured, but they can absolutely heal and become better less self-absorbed people.
Earth mother fine and dandy that they where hurt and or abused. But narssist will kill a persons life out of them. They need to do the healing before letting someone fall in love with them, and most dont. This is why most say run as fast as you can in the other direction when you find out that thats the kind of person your with. The narssist are so wounded they need very very specialized THERAPY but they search out good hearted fixers that have no idea how to heal the damage that has been done and in turn get pulverized buy the narssist. Its very sad they are so sick, but it is a fact to be very aware of and not in denial about.
When a person is in a state of shock or acute woundedness, their survival is on the line, such that they must tend their condition in order to survive. This looks like self-centeredness, but that term carries a negative and selfish connotation. A better term might be self-tending, which, again, they have to be in order to take care of themselves. If a person has a broken leg, they cannot be your running-partner. If a person has a broken foot, they can't be your hiking buddy. Expecting a person in shock or acute woundedness to be a social partner of any kind is not realistic, it's simply not feasible. Their hands are already overflowing, and they can't handle all of that, so expecting them to do more, is simply not going to happen. One can accuse them of "selfishness" all they want, but that's like getting mad at a running-partner because right now, they can't run because they have a broken leg. Crisis is crisis, and people that are in a stable state, need to be realistic and kind. If they've never been through severe shock or acute woundedness, then maybe they don't understand. People need to consider the things others are going through.
This is so helpful. You're right, it's not out of selfishness, it's out of survival. The only thing I knew to do to take care of myself was to withdraw and minimise or evade any new, additional damage as much as possible. No additional demands or stress. I'm very lucky that I had two friends who understood.
Wish more people understood this. Wish I had understood this and protected my own boundaries and hard-won mental health. Subsequent nervous breakdowns and losses were so unnecessary and didn't help anyone in the longrun.
@@kahlodiego5299 A lot of times, people 'give away' their boundaries and knowledge of the truth due to self-doubt. Perhaps someone cons them (gaslights them) into believing they were mistaken, that their perceptions were faulty, so that they give away their boundaries and safety structure, so that they forfeit the actual truth they knew. One must ascertain the truth, and then lock-hard on Wisdom and Truth, and not let go for anything. There are a lot of people playing games out there, and they are quick to play/prey on people that they judge as 'weak'. "Guard your heart, for out of it flow the issues of Life." (from Proverbs 4).
@@Catbooks I've called that "cocooning", where one withdraws from damage to heal and to preserve the health that remains intact. When a dog is injured, they withdraw to a safe place and lick their wounds for healing. All of Nature knows not to re-engage in a context of danger and risk. Ascertaining what is wisdom is vital, understanding is key. That is true whether one is injured or not, it is true whether situations are fine or dangerous > one must not assume, but first ascertain the situation. When a dog or bear is healed from their injuries, they don't just charge out of their den without a care, they first look around and observe. It is that same sensibility that wisdom requires of us, to keep our eyes open, and to be clear with ourselves about what we observe. That doesn't mean we need to walk in fear in this Life, but to pay attention and be honest with ourselves, and then to apply wisdom. One doesn't need to allow themselves to be pressured by others: that gives away one's 'agency,' and that's not wisdom.
My first impulse was to write "guilty as charged". Please note, I waited & thought about it. Going to root around for the guilt & shame still hiding, move it along! It's forever a knee-jerk reaction to think everything is my fault. It affects both mood & reaction. So glad to have a forum like this to work these issues out!
This is the first time I've heard if CPTSD. I've been ruminating from my last relationship, heavily confused at how I acted. I've been confused about the healing process because my empathy returned. I keep going back and forth, with black and white thinking about myself. CPTSD speaks to me so much. I never want to be the person I was. I never want to be cold and push people away. "Open your heart again" is exactly how this feels. Thank you so much for this video.
Toni here. I was shocked/stunned to hear you say, Anna, that we with CPTSD get stuck in our feelings, especially when triggered. I am there All.The.Time. I feel (there I go again! lol) overwhelmed by life, I “hide” from my friends, and I harshly push my husband away from me. Living is simply too much.
I began becoming aware of my own narcissistic traits a few years ago. I became aware that I was responding to thing in very much the same way my father did. I also found that one can reduce those traits as one becomes aware of them. One becomes less controlled by things from your past that can ruin enjoyment of your present. As I learn about it, I believe very much that I have been struggling with this CPTSD.
This was great- I think NPD may actually be an extreme form of cPTSD but it was really helpful to have someone clearly define where some narcissistic thinking crosses the line into unhealthy. I also loved the clarity on being realistic about being a victim, but not letting that identity take over. thanks!
This is what I think as well. Yes there can be "other forms" of narcissism that could result from being spoiled, etc. But when people with CPTSD try to talk about how NPD is different, it sounds a lot like splitting hairs. I think CPTSD is more accurate and provides pathways to healing (vs the belief that narcs can't possibly become self-aware). But I don't think they're completely separate phenomena. I think narcissists have just been consumed by their CPTSD to the point that they live in a totally different reality that constantly clashes with the real world.
There is also spirit nark and the nameless narcissist who have yt channels and talk about there npd quite extensively. They seem to have come to the conclusion that npd is a form of advanced CPTSD, and that the difference between it and bpd is grandiosity as a copeing mechanism. The way they describe there inner experience is really interesting. Its hard to trust ppl who openly call them selves narcisists. Very much unreliable narrator but i think there is truth in what theyre saying
Good comments about friendship. At 5:08, she says that the hallmark of a narcissist is to ask if others are making things good for you; but I have recently realized that I've never expected friends to treat me well; I was GRATEFUL that anyone spent time with me. I'm beginning to understand that I deserve to be treated better by a few of my friends. I don't have a partner or family; friends are EVERYTHING to me. (source of love, support, etc.)
Thank you for this video... I thought i was a vulnerable narcissist, but so many things didn't apply to me: namely actively playing memory games to manipulate others. I never intentionally manipulated others.
Wow, this is so on point, it took my breath away. I’m a mental health professional as well as living with CPTSD so I can view narcissism from a personal and professional perspective. Seeing some of these behaviours in myself is a hard pill to swallow but a fantastic opportunity to heal and grow. As for sussing out other people, I think discerning between who is actually narcissistic and who is presenting with narcissistic traits can be difficult because as much as we try, there are no clearly defined yardsticks to measure something as complex as human relationships and behaviour.
Thanks for your insights, it's actually quite hard for traumatized people to care for others when we're still dealing with our wounds, but helpful to know how traumatized people can adjust their ways if they're ready to want healthy relationships - instead of suffering from loneliness.
Your point about unequal relationships was a HUGE lightbulb moment! I'm fresh out of a painful breakup that I didn't recognize started as trauma bonding. The pandemic caused my cptsd to flare in a major way, and my partner's and my own insecure attachment led to verbal, psychological and physical abuse. The guilt, shame and stuckness made me seriously consider suicide, but multiple therapists I was seeing and the compassionate input of genuine friends made me strong enough to admit I finally had enough and so I ended it. My ex is furious and blames me for stealing/ruining her life and rescinding on our intention to be together for life. I know now that we both are severely wounded individuals, and I'm so much further down the path of healing but to have been consistently abused while being called a narcissist almost broke me. I am so grateful for this lifesaving video. I adore your body of work and approach, and will definitely take your dating course before ever committing to a relationship again. For now, being on my own whilst deepening my friendships and healing feels RIGHT.
This explains why sometimes I feel I have become like my narc mother. I am not a narc, just feels like it because her fleas got into some of the crevices of my personality. Thank God it didn't go further. I know I have a light within me, it's just really hard some days. Thank you for this video, really needed it.
My family has called me selfish for years and I recently had a falling out with my sister. I just realized that maybe she was right and maybe I'm treating people how I felt as a child. Great and humbling video.
"Let it sit on the porch for a while." Anna, honey, when you showed up, I yanked you through the front door with your sandals flapping and sat you down at the kitchen table! I served you coffee after coffee, invited you for lunch, then dinner, then made you to stay the weekend! LOL!!! Seriously, Crappy Childhood Fairy is giving me a new awakening. I've read Pete Walker's work and watched videos to learn about CPTSD, but your channel has made it real and personal for me. It's an understatement to say that you explain it like nobody else. I'll be incorporating the Daily Practice into my life and checking out your courses. I'm very grateful that you took the leap and started this channel!
Excellent perspective Anna. Saw myself all through this. Actually was asking myself if Im just a reflection of my wounded narcissistic father. Not a pleasant thought! I do have a dose of my father’s arrogance and grandiosity, and it does push people away! “Rescuing” other people while dodging accountability for my role in my own problems doesn’t help anyone. Self honesty might be bitter medicine, but its the only way to real health. True narcissists won’t swallow that pill. Thanks for some great food for thought 😙You’re doing great work💕💕💕
I became paranoid that I became a narcissist, but I knew it was possible to heal and grow the more self-aware I became. I now understand the role I played in my past and how I am subconsciously attracting abusers and staying stuck in the victim mindset even after I leave. And CPTSD describes my mindset perfectly. I can't wait to heal fully, and I've really been putting in the work to get there :)
I've often wondered this about myself . How can anyone raised with narcissism on view as a way of being in the world not absorb at least some of this behaviour ? I've been stuck in trauma for decades . I have been self obsessed with trying coddle myself because of the horrific verbal abuse that has always played in my head . This doesn't fix it . To paraphrase a saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt 'you wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you realized how seldom they do' . Everyone is wrapped up in themselves . Thanks for bringing these topics out in the light .
STOP! I've just heard the most affirming words. Had to pause to cry. My mother had 3 daughters, I'm the 2nd. 1st daughter was ago-getter highly intelligent, and the 3rd sister was the baby. It was as if I was a nuisance. Let me just say, that I got what the other two sisters did not. I have just started therapy. I'm overwhelmed. Thank you so much, doctor! I'm going to take a break.
Oh this is exactly what kind of mother I am and drove my daughters away from being in my life and never knew this until my grand son was diagnosed with narcissistic behaviour. Asked my son if I was one too and he replied if I have to ask, and left the question hanging 😢 all you saying is so true about me
I understand! I have c-ptsd though I see a lot of my fathers narcissistic traits in me. I don't want to get into detail but I went through a great deal of traumatic events as a child and I'm finally realizing that I have let them hold me back for too long. I am not my trauma! I will be watching more, looking forward to learning. Thank you for this video!
I really want to learn healthier ways of dealing with things that trigger me and help my communications with other people so they can better understand
OMG You don't know how much I needed this! 😭 I once heard someone say someone they knew was sensitive - sensitive to their own feelings. Even though they weren't talking about me, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I wondered, is that me, too? Am I a narcissist? My psychiatrist also told me narcissists usually don't ask if they are, so not to worry. 😆
I've been in therapy for depression most my life. My partner of 20yrs accused me of being a narcissist during an argument. It devastated me..like i can't get over it....anyway my therapist said the same to me.
@@Elcostagus For me, the term narcissist has been overused to the a point where it has lost its significance to me. I've seen it used to describe friends who forgot a birthday, a parents who missed out on a payment of child support, a partner who wanted to play video games instead of doing something that the spouse thought was important -- at this point, when I hear someone call someone a narcissist I automatically think, "they did something you didn't like" instead of, "they must be a bad person" so don't feel devastated if someone called you a narcissist. Chances are they're calling you that because you did something they didn't like, not because you're a terrible person. And if you were a terrible person, well, everyone has been terrible one time or another. Human beings are all imperfect and we all mess up. As long as you're willing to work on being better, that's what matters. Just going to add because this has been bugging me for a while - Sometimes I feel the term narcissist has morphed into the short form for "The Next Hitler." That concerns me because it feels like it creates a group of "those dirty narcissists" that people are terrified of being associated with and they concentrate more on how not to be perceived as one instead of realizing, " we're all human and it's not the end of the world if I'm impure in some ways, especially since I'm wiling to take responsibility and accountability to do better." It's hard to explain what I'm trying to say but hopefully someone gets the gist of it.
@@ProfessorGothic I agree that the term "triggered" is oversued, and also misused to demonized, control, and shut down other people who disagree with them. Lord knows, I've been on the receiving end of people who were triggered by EVERYTHING, and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells or stuck in a minefield with them. I bounced between massive resentment and hating myself because I was such a terrible person for triggering someone. It was awful. That said, I do have triggers myself and I do think it's useful to use the word, especially when it comes to healing and recovery. I needed to know what my triggers are in order to know to when and why I'm disregulated so I know what to work on next. I also find it useful to know what triggers other people because it has helped me de-escalate or keep myself safe in potential explosive situations. And there are moments when a little thoughtfulness can make the situation easier on both parties. I think the concept of triggers is legitimate and helpful and definitely has it place. But I also know, like everything else, it can misused as a way to control and demonize others or justify bad behaviour in one's self. I definitely have done both before. BTW, I really like your point in another comment where you brought up Narcissistic Personality Disorder versus the word narcissist to describe someone who did something someone didn't like, or like you, someone who has more self-esteem. It's really too bad it gets misused because NPD is a really thing, and like the word "trigger", there are times when the term is useful and legitimate and needed.
I’ve been trying to understand how my loved one who clearly has CPTSD can have become what appears to be from his behavior, a passive aggressive vulnerable narcissist. Thank you Anna, for connecting the dots.
I've been crying listening to this. I've watched a lot of Dr. Ramani's videos on narcissism and thought, like, OMIGOD, I'm such a narcissist, I'm so reactive, so disregulated emotionally, etc. Not wanting to disparage Dr. Ramani here, but this video is confirming for me; it's CPTSD from a whole panoply of harmful childhood experiences that's making me act out sometimes in ways that seem narcissistic. I still am not healed yet, but I'm making progress. At least I rarely take it out on someone else. I yell at my computer; I don't yell at my coworkers or at my friends (the few I have). Not often, anyway.
No matter what trauma I have been involved in and through and will never get out of, I find regulating is the best medicine. I call it simplifying my life and I mean that as far as items are concerned as well as the clutter in my head and the way I react to it. That's a good feeling but I realize that some of it will never goes away
I noticed that there is a transcript available, brilliant! Long story short, PTSD has been with me all my life(undiagnosed), until my dad died; then it turned my life upside down and inside out. I found the pieces to the puzzle, first being unable to read and retain or listening and comprehending. More puzzle pieces with the conclusion of CdPTSD. I so appreciate this topic is being talked about, early on for me was basically no hope for better. I live to tell, with work it does get better, certainly difficult days overall growth and hope.
Wow! So many people here so gifted w/self reflection, honesty, vulnerability and can feel the desire & willingness to heal on these comments. WAY TO GO EVERYBODY!!!! Xoxo
This video is such a helpful checklist! 15 years ago I was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My girlfriend at the time knew that I was not a narcissist but the diagnosis took a toll. Later, I was diagnosed with CPSD. It's taken a long time to learn to recover and stop those tendencies that mirrored narcissism and all the rest. I love your videos and this one in particular. Sometimes it feels so cozy to feel the victim and the most wonderful person in the world. lol. That's why I need this video and other resources.
This is so helpful, thank you. I've been learning a lot about NPD to try to understand my mother, and my childhood, and of course i find myself questioning my own "narcissistic" traits, whilst also trying not to shame & persecute myself for them and effectively continue the abuse. Your explanations about the sensitivity to criticism, unequal relationships, and the "entitlement" (aka dependency/helplessness/disempowerment) really rang true and answered a lot of questions that i've been having lately. It can be so hard to find the balance and to know where to put the boundaries sometimes, especially when you already have the self-doubt that comes with C-PTSD... I'm also now questioning whether people i've assessed as "narcissistic" are actually just expressing these C-PTSD traits also. I guess i still get to choose whether i want them around me, but it isn't my place to judge them... Thank you so much for your work! 🙏
Since finding out that my mother's a narc, ive been fearing discovering im also a narc. Deep down, im sure im not but sometimes, a small thing makes me doubt myself because im not sure if the behavior is associated with trauma or with narcissism. I see blurred lines, I get confused, then I think about it a lot and most of the time, I come to the conclusion that it's related to my trauma or my autism. The one thing I struggle with in what is listed in this video is victim mentality. I started trying really hard to get rid of that and it's hard because I feel so cheated now that I understand that my mother's a narc. I know im not responsible for what happened and that im the one who has to do the work to get better but some thoughts are hard to fight, like feeling as if my mother robbed me of a childhood, how my dad abandonned me as an infant, how none of my relatives did anything to help me, how I was abused by partners, how my autism makes it hard to make lasting friendships, things like that. All those very unfair and damaging things that happened to me make me feel like a victim and shifting my standpoint is hard. I need help and I dont know if im gonna get it. So I do everything I can to get better on my own for the time being.
I work to keep myself grounded, constantly reminded I am not perfect. To remember who I really am. Someone that has a lot of love to share. I don't have friends, that is something I understand. I chase others away, just to keep myself safe. I am lonely.
Thank you Anna. This is really helpful clarification. My narcissistic mother accused me behind my back, of doing the very things she did, even though I feel like the opposite of the person she was. And we think we're the only ones with our problems because we don't know of anyone else with them. But it's amazing finding whole communities of people commenting on videos like this who had very similar experiences. "Nothing new under the sun" and our stresses and anguish are "common to man" as the Bible says.
This was a very helpful vid, the comments about Arrogance resonate loudly. Regarding sweeping accusations, prior to my recovery program I used to hate Christmas music because it was too saccharine filled. To me, it was disingenuously sweet. The problem wasn't Christmas music, it was me. At the time I was struggling with my addiction. I kept my addictive behavior hidden from others. I was disingenuous, I was full of lies. I was projecting my disingenuous self onto the world around me (a narcissistic thing to do). After roughly 3 years into recovery, Christmas music stopped grating, I could hear it in the background without feeling angry or upset. It was an amazing symptom of my healing journey.
Wow you had me in the first 30 seconds... and the worst part is having what looked from the outside like a "normal" childhood, and not even knowing it oneself until (in my case) you've been through more trauma ringers. Just brutal and so unseen.
I spent at least 10 years healing from childhood trauma. I was the happiest I had been EVER. It was not from anything outside of myself.(proud of). Then... My jaw was destroyed at a prominent dental school. So... Having to start over. Retraumatized. Thank you.
This was really helpful, thanks ccf :). Particularly the 'helping' arrogance, guilty, I have strong urges to 'fix' and have definitely used accumulating knowledge as a way of feeling safe and powerful/in control. It's a bit of an entrenched habit working hard to break and step back and wait until I am asked. I suspect also that many of us who have suffered find suffering quite unbearable to witness in others and genuinely want to help ease that, just 'being' there is more than enough isn't it?
Wow Christina your comment was big red flag for me.ive been a huge rescuer and lately wondered if I'm not narcissist. Been life long examiner of info being a retired RN I continue to help those who don't see they have power over their health issues. I'm beginning therapy myself very soon. That guilt I feel if a persons health or died from their lack of accountability has overwhelmed me. So thank you for your insight. Thank you Christina.p
1. Go to the psychoanalyst and work with your self-esteem. 2. Find your aim and begin to achieve it. 3. Sleep enough, eat what you want, but not too much, go in for sports, chat with friend and love smb.
My best friend once said something that soothed my mind in this regard, I was young and really not okay with myself and feared to turn out like my mother. "Just because you have narcissistic traits, it doesn't make you a narcissist. You took what makes you thrive and survive, don't blame yourself."
Thank you! This video really addressed my long time confusion 'cause I constantly have doubts about whether or not I'm a self-absorbed narcissist and feel guilty about ignoring people around me ('cause my major energy goes towards fighting my symptoms...).
I’ve been close to three Narcissists. They were three of the most traumatized people I’ve ever known. One of them was my father. When I started trying to understand my CPTSD I realized that some of my least liked behavior looked like narcissism.
I have really bad cptsd. when I was a child I completely ignored other children, they gave me extreme anxiety and I felt sick around people and I cut off loads of friends. One of the friends I cut off because I was crying at school and she shouted at me 'you are not the only one with problems' I felt so depressed and hurt by it. It was the last time I had a friendship for 4. I had no friends in my school and I was neglected and abused at home and psychologists just thought that my loneliness was caused by autistim. Now looking back, it hurts to know that I was dealing with ptsd and I didn't get any treatment. It feels great when you explain what my problems are because it makes me realise that I can move on from my anxiety around friendships and maybe get better. I thought there was no hope for me
This is fabulously helpful in understanding a person in my life that experienced trauma as a child and behaves in ways that could easily be interpreted as narcissistic. Thank you!
One therapist said he thought I was a narcissist. I spent most of my young life detangling gaslighting and doublebind tasks that I got from members of my family. This resulted in me watching and constructing every thought I had and word word I said.
I'm so happy you did a video on this! I have been trying to figure this out for so long. Your videos really resonate. CPTSD looks almost exactly like borderline traits and this really isn't talked about enough.
I don't think there are neat boundaries between these disorders... Sometimes I think the main thing is the age at which disruption occurs. If it's two or three, it can lead to PD. If it's as a teen or adult, CPTSD but not PD as personality is already largely formed.
My mother is a covert narcissist. Some of the things she did to me I can remember as early as 4 years old. I believe she caused my C-PTSD which was diagnosed as Bi-polar for 20 something years. Now that I am off that medication my head is clearing up and the Prozac I now take is helping with depression. I think I've outgrown Dr Ramani now find your videos so interesting, relatable, and helpful. ThankYou!
I so needed to hear this! I have been in my codependency healing process for almost five years. Recently I have started thinking that I may have become somewhat obnoxious. I have been trying to establish my boundaries and speak my truth, but now my family doesn’t speak to me and friends are dropping like flies. I feel like I’m in a catch 22 of being myself but offending everyone in the process. I have been in two narcissistic marriages, but am wondering if it’s my own damn fault because I have learned too much and I’m seriously exhausted from studying and dealing with my CPTSD!
I realize that I have a tendency to think that the world owes me something. It's hard to face the truth that the world doesn't owe me anything, but I realize that, it's hard to make sacrifices when the most important things aren't there.
Spot on. Thank you. Lying and shamelessness/absence of remorse IMHO distinguish narcissism from cptsd. But that's just my observation at the moment. The lines between cptsd, borderline and narcissism can be quite blurry indeed. Part of recovery is being able to move from black and white thinking to a more nuanced understanding of the complex and relative nature of the human psyche. Being able to look in the mirror and see the true ish reflexion is hard but what takes us away from narcissism (deluded/idealised vision of oneself), I think 😊
All very true. The point about the trauma having taken away our skills, hopes, etc, etc, is so huge, esp when life goes so wrong, or some things happen that are so dreadful, taken out of our control for the main part, that would never have been something chosen, and now has to be lived with. Anger toward self for not doing more at the time to self protect, and having taken full responsibility and the continued attacks from those closest, the desperation to survive every day, eventually leading to the recognition that there was targetting by certain others who want the child born out of chaos to pay for their lives changing. I always understood that. They certainly let me know it, but all their previous chaos was piled onto me, and they wanted payback, over and over again. There is targetting in some situations. Until this is come to terms with, a person may get mixed up about themselves, maybe trying too hard to be accepted. Truth may hurt more, but it's always best. There is grieving for the child you knew, who would not have chosen that path, not at all, but has to live with the results. Being cheery is the coping mechanism that hides a multitude of sins. Sometimes, or often, there isn't anywhere to find the support needed, so self help can take a long time to learn so much.
Years ago, two Belgian psychologists, named Conrad Baars and Anna Terruwe, attempted to have Emotional Deprivation Disorder added to the DSM. They were not successful, but they wrote a book about it called HEALING THE UNAFFIRMED. I like this channel and what you are doing, but in reading the comments, it’s important to remember that labels, no matter how accurate, still stick. These psychologists managed to avoid most of this and learned, as the title of this book states, to just affirm severely broken people, many of whom went on to make a full recovery. In other words, the brokenness comes from the lack of love. And loving restores another to wholeness. I think it is probably better to focus on this than to rehash the past to look over and over again at every error you or I have ever made. We need to do this initially to make amends with others, and to give and receive forgiveness, but as we heal, part of that process is to release false guilt, too. No one has to be defined by labels.
Odd that you put this out today, just at the right time to. I been isolating for over a year and been forced due to just needing to talk to someone. Thank you your timing is perfect 😊 thank you
I really enjoyed this video I have been studying on Narcissistic Abuse, and realize I have had Narcissistic Abuse as a child but often I find myself in dialogue with my hubby where its me me me, so this clarifies much I also find I often think many people are narcissistic and there is no safe place basically it is a very unsafe place so this just clarifies things for me,........... I realize whilst there may be many narcissists out there and and there are ways that I am behaving that are not contributing to my own healing and are not giving a good self reflection of whom I actually am. so thank you. the thing is life is 3 dimensional and in our own healing its easy to move away from this mind set and become alienated.
Going to get that printed up & framed - absent .... & we parent ____ i wonder if it was contagious needed my mommy when I had to be one & her absence severely thwarted my presence in the present
I grew up thinking my family was “normal.” And when I was 33, I enrolled in college and found out that screaming, yelling, condemning, hitting, biting, bullying etc. we’re NOT NORMAL! It took decades to develop, heal and find my person who knew how to nurture and love me. He died 18 months ago and it’s VERY difficult to venture out into a world worse than ever before. I’m in the process of shaking free from the first opportunist. I don’t believe I will allow a second.
I have often thought I was a narc, until I realized that narcs don't choose to deal with their inner pain. I do still think being brought up by one, some of those traits were installed in me, I was controlling, angry, argumentative, full of self denial, and fear. Only when I began the journey back to my foundation the child, did I begin to shed those horrid traits which were causing me so much pain. Tears, years of crying, not stop, once switched on I couldn't and did not want to turn them off, I knew I needed to let them out. Even though everyone around me kept telling me to stop, to "get over it" "the past is the past" But I did not stop, that would be giving up on myself, the poor child I was who went through the flames who took the first blows of heartbreak. How can we do that? Carry on ignoring the poor innocent child we were? The child entered a game of hide and seek with their mind. The child.soul hid and the body was placed on auto pilot programmed to seek the child, when it's safe. Our Light flows through the heart of the child, we need to reconnect with the child who has the Light of Truth and will guide us to our hearts Door. Knock knock "Who's there?" " it's me" "Me who" "It's me who hid, and its you who, was supposed to turn back and see me" To knock s to ask a question, each question we ask ourselves opens our hearts Door a little more, bringing in more insight Light.
I needed this video. I’ve broken a relationship with my behaviours. This one really meant something to me, she’s so traumatised by me. I feel so much shame and guilt. And I miss her terribly.
This helped me so much, thank you. I've spent the last 3 years since my daughter was born wondering and sort of terrified that I'm a narcissist who will damage her the way I was as a child. Your videos have resonated with me so much and helped me put a name to what my experience has been.
This is so important for CPTSDers to understand! Because it keeps ya from deep and lovely relationships because it turns people off. So important to become self aware
At first,i didn't feel comfortable with the way you presented the topic ,but after 9 minutes i can say in a honest way that i love you,and thanck you soooooo much for your time spendt to help us.I subscribe🥰
The title alone is refreshing to me. Narcissist get such a bad rap. My dad was one, and we had a narcissistic spirit that ruled over our family. The truth is we were fearful and all alone. Isolated, even from one another, in a very dark world that left us very hurt and hurtful, not knowing why we had the behaviors we did or even how deep we hurt others. Compassion helps free people from narcissism. For those who care enough to help them break their stuck beliefs and get free, I am so thankful.
I relate to what you are saying...my parents r both untreated ACOAs, my father has many traits of a narc, which, due to all the abuse I endured, I have battled traits of a narc...I hate those traits in myself...I keep begging Creator to change my heart, renew my mind! Blessings to all who read this! It does get better...i love ACOA 12 step community...it works if you work it! Shalom
Another narcissistic trait I've noticed in myself that wasn't mentioned: the strong desire for attention and admiration from others. I've spent many years feeling invisible and unimportant which has resulted in this.
But is also human to want that. Not all has to be black and white...
Honestly in the healed mind I can tell you it is natural to want admiration and attention and definitely a little healthy validation is all good for the self esteem. Human beings are not meant to be a one man army. The difference is if you don’t get that attention or validation is the way and the extent it wounds you. If you walk away from a situation and you were under appreciated maybe totally ignored and maybe even the butt of a painful but funny joke. If you internalize this and talk bad to yourself and do bad behavior that’s something to work on. But if you walk away and notice what assholes those people were to you and you realize they are the ones with a problem of letting and giving you credit where it’s due, then knowing who you are you decide to blow it off and maybe start to stay away from that person or those people and not be mean to yourself and think in absolutes…you’re fine.
I worked in PR and I’ve worked conventions and I naturally knew who needed a compliment. When a friend or stranger does an excellent job or goes above and beyond for me and or others I am compelled to acknowledge them. We all need this
For me, I think that I keep trying to make up from not getting the care, love, recognition and appreciation for who we are separate from others, especially our emotionally, physically absent and/or preoccupied parents.
Yup relateable
For me it was the constant need to seek male approval (because narcissistic father never paid attention and certainly never approved or complimented etc).
In my experience, CPTSD has caused me to be overly self-protective which could look like narcissism because I've learned over the decades to put myself and my life first in order to survive.
Same here! I would rather have peace and protect myself!
Just curious of how this looks for you.
I think I do this too.
And becoming *untrusting* and defensive for self-protection, which makes you less open to good people and good things, sadly. It's certainly a challenge to learn how to install boundaries for unwanted people & behaviours in your life, whilst learning how to open up and be trusting with good people and behaviours.
@@user-vn9sh6hv8r agreed
I do similar but my sister is super aggresive ...it is hell when she is pushing something....
Finding out I have CPTSD actually has made me think of my behaviors when my kids were little. I thought I had broken the cycle because I didn’t have drugs and alcohol in my home, I didn’t hit my kids or call them names but I did so many other things. I was distant at times, completely disassociate at times. I still had a temper. I can really get over the childhood stuff done to me. I can get treatment etc. I am sad I didn’t know I had CPTSD when my kids were little. I would have been a better mom. I thought I was so self aware. I now know I had no idea.
Dear don’t worry, you can do things better now. Accept your children as they are, accept their choice, approve them. Even that my parents were very unmature I would loved them to be better parents now. To accept me as I am, to say to me you are doing good, you are a good person, but they don’t and maybe never will.
Same, with the non drinking, calm, narcissist. I remember feeling this way. . My twin daughters are 21 and I am now holding myself accountable by acknowledging my shortcomings when they were little. I was under his spell. I didn’t know any better. Thought I was doing the right thing. “For the family”. They are forgiving me. As they see their dads N behaviors more evident without me being a buffer like I was doing back then. Now they get it. and I am here to coach to hold onto themselves.
I think it’s never too late. Like many of you, I grew up in a chaotic house and have C-PTSD. I didnt really understand back then what was going on. I felt pretty bitter and resentful. In my mid 20’s my father authentically and deeply apologized for his role, and I was able to totally let go of any negative feelings toward him. My Mother has never been able to do this, so I feel more conflicted with her. But I am able to look at the challenges they had in their own childhoods with more compassion.
I have recently realized that I am suffering with this and I currently have young children. In fact, seeing how my behavior effects my kids really helped open my eyes to how damaged I am. Problem is, healing is hard by itself. Healing while also trying to do better as a parent with large amounts of guilt is even heavier. I need to save my children from continuing the cycle but I'm not at a good place myself yet. It's alot of pressure, my kids are pre-teens and teens and this is a very pivotal time of development for them, I've already screwed up the first part and so anxiety is peeking through for them already. I just don't know how I'm gonna get it all together in time. And yet I know the pressure of this situation is not helpful, especially for my tendency towards avoidance. I mean how do you reparent yourself and parent someone else at the same time?
Abbie you have given yourself the best tool to healing, understanding you have to do better. Teenagers are already on their own path they will test out what you have taught them and stumble with wrong choices.
The entitlement problem with narcissism tends to come from a place of callous disregard for the efforts of others and an expectation for others to provide, which is I think tends to happen when kids were raised in homes where they had easy access to needs with low expectation for earning their needs. I think in a home where a child was raised with chronic neglect to the extent that they never learned self efficacy basics, there is often the desire to be able to self provide or to have obligation towards others, but its the low self worth that can lead us to conclude that what we offer has no value. Especially if we look around and see the world being smoothly run by people who grew up in stable environments where they were able to develop strong efficiency skills. I think a person with C-PTSD is more likely to avoid anything that questions their competency because we don't want to revisit the wound of failure/shame, so much that it can get easier to hide and allow others in our lives to take control of our basic needs. The narcissist, covert or overt, is more likely to be volition oriented whenever it provides supply, or to seek out reward when they feel their self esteem is threatened. People with NPD rarely feel shame for being a burden because they justify deserving it, but the shame of being a burden for the C-PTSD individual is usually so high that when it is triggered, they socially withdraw because they think they don't deserve to exist.
Thanks for the insight!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That may be true, but performing feeling like a burden and withdrawal is something that covert narcissists can do.
Damn...just described me.
@@buziecat Doesn't mean everyone who withdraws is a covert narc.
@@nessaswords Nope the 'performing' is the operative word here.
This explains my extreme fear sometimes of being a covert narcissist. I wasn't aware that this could be a part of CPTSD.
I also feel the same way
Important points for trauma survivors. CPTSD can indeed sometimes look like covert narcassism unfortunately. Especially when strongly identifying as a victim. We are not responsible for what happened to us in the past- but we are responsible to heal from it.
A lot of these narcassistic tendencies that manifest with CPTSD also push mentally healthy people away and can even ruin relationships. Worse still they attract unhealthy toxic people which we really don't need. Also not getting stuck in being a victim and thinking no one understands is so important. When I start going down the "nobody understands my trauma" road (not true at all), while that feels valid it can turn into a toxic mindset quickly. I remind myself of Holocaust survivors like Victor Frankl and Dr. Edith Eger as anchors who overcame unthinkable horrors to stop that unhealthy mindset in its tracks.
It can sometimes be a trickly balance of validating what we experienced and healing but moving forward with self awareness is so critically important.
Well said. Thanks!
I hate victims who are whiny and cry all the time over less than I have suffered...I say suffer in silence like I did...so sick at times...
@@phriedokra6158 We whining, crying “victims”don’t like you either, Judy. Sorry, not sorry. 🤷🏻♀️
I feel most people are just looking for the validation that is it. Much easier to let it go when you don't feel like it is all in your head.
@@phriedokra6158 Everyone's suffering is subjective. It Is their own. We experience everything through our own lens. And everyone is in different places in their healing. I know how you feel, I understand. I often think" you couldn't have made it through a day in my life as a kid", but damn, we only know what we know... 💓
What happens if your parent also had CPTSD that felt like narcissism, which is what caused your CPTSD? And now you’re trying not to cause everyone around you to have CPTSD? Generational trauma is something I’m starting to realize is actually very powerful.
I spent my entire childhood hearing about my Mom’s traumatic childhood and how we all needed to help her heal her inner child. Then my oldest sister, who became a narcissist also because of this, traumatized many of us. Now I’m trying to forgive them both for the multi generational trauma they suffered and passed on. They suffered from CPTSD also. And now so I and now I need to take that and fix it, and not just be bitter about it.
I’m thinking you are healing in a positive way. How’s it going for ya a year later? That question is for you. How much have you learned and how much has it changed your life.
It’s a question for you. Heck, I’m just someone Cheering ya on.
Same issue in my family. My mother was heavily abused to the point she was diagnosed with PTSD - but only AFTER I had already moved out at the age of 18. So basically I was living with an unconscious mother that to this day displays overwhelming signs of strong narcissism including the need to be praised constantly when I feel like I'm not narcissistic but show strong symptoms of it.
The first people we all model our behavior after are our family. It sucks, but if you only have lousy role models, it's going to be a long road.
But we've always been more than a member of "X" family and it will end up being just one detail about our life.
Keep moving and remember that Anna does a great job responding to all of us, so ask questions if you get stuck.
Good luck on your journey.
👍😊
@EddieRay_VanLynch appreciate the encouragement and support you're giving everyone!
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Love My Doggy I believe it’s a mixture of nature and nurture. Some people are somehow predisposed to be jerks/great no matter what - just as some of us were more predisposed to the risk of developing PTSD, while others can recover from (most) things more easily. It might be because of differences in neurological structures (everyone’s brain is slightly different, and most change in various ways through our lives with experience).
Unfortunately, in these cases we live what we learn
I like to remind myself that I am not a victim, anymore. I'm a survivor. Actually, I am not just a survivor, either. I'm an overcomer. It's really important to remind myself these things because the main problem that trauma causes is the victim mindset it creates in those that experience it. It's like an insideous poison that finishes off it's victims slowly if you don't take an antidote to counter it.
Well said, sister ❤
Someone once told me something that helped me understand how to explain "the not a competition thing" to people who tend to have that reaction as a defense.
It was this.
"A person who drowns in 2 feet of water is equally as dead as a person who drowns in 2000 feet of water."
The only difference is recovering the body.
It helped me to learn how to look at and validate others and my own experiences and understand they affect everyone uniquely.
well said
@I'm_Indrid_Cold thanks for that!
-Cara@TeamFairy
The difference is you have more power to change and help someone (even yourself!) drowning in a kitchen sick than stranded alone in a storm
A huge step ive taken in my self awareness is not spilling out all my problems to people. I noticed I do that so people look at me like “wow she went through so much and look how good she’s handling her life”. Another thing I do to control how people view me. I noticed I tend to meet a lot of ppl who spill out their life so early bcus I listen closely. It’s kind of a red flag bcus I know why I used to do that but I tend to just keep it noted lol
Ohhh I felt that as you just put a mirror in my face that I SO NEEDED 💯
I was spilling my guts & couldn't figure out WHY until I read this 🥈 Searching for Validation city 🤣🚫 I have done much better just being aware. Anyway, THANK YOU!!!
It's good that you noticed that about yourself, but to assume that others are spilling their guts for the same reasons you did is unfair to them! They might just have very different reasons. Desperation, for example, without caring how they appear to the world. I did that! Some compassionate people were very supportive, others thought I was a mess. So what. Pinning a red flag on anyone who is spilling pain is a bit harsh, though it is entirely fair to observe how they are going about things and intuiting their behavior without full-on mind reading.
I'll save your comment for myself because this is something I didn't realise I'm doing until I read your comment and your self awareness about it is helping all of us to realise this about ourselves.
This is great. I definitely have a martyr complex. I was severely abused my whole childhood by my father. When I was fifteen (during one of his suicide attempts gone wrong) he set himself on fire and died. I was the only one who witnessed it, so you can imagine it instilled this identity in me, as “the girl who witnessed a horrible thing”. I definitely need to humble myself and realize, that people live through life everyday having to see horrific things as well.
What an example! That IS quite horrible and I understand how it could become an identity. Good on you for knowing there is more to you.
-Cara@TeamFairy
My heart goes out for you to have experienced that. I also was abused by my father and I stopped it around 16 by standing up to him. We lost him a couple years ago when he fell and hit his head. I took care of him and I found him on the floor.
Always so refreshing. I'm willing to bet this applies to the vast majority of folks who find themselves on either side of "narcissist/empath" dynamics. Everyone's just a hurt person who appears invulnerable hurting others by overcompensating for their vulnerability.
Nicely said.
-Cara@TeamFairy
Both sides of the same coin, yes.
Victims of victims. That's what they said in ACOA. When I get over- involved with my family and my boundaries are all messed up, I wind up dysregulated and running to people for help in a panic.
Thank you for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel like a victim of my sister with CPTSD. She is not even diagnosed but she went through a lot. Please help.
@kahlo Diego this is me exactly. My five siblings and I all live in different states and my mother as well. My alcoholic abusive dad is dead. Died two years ago. But the results of his abuse are still there for all of us. And we continue to trigger each other, even from a distance. Not on purpose. It’s so hard. You want it to be okay with them, but it never is. All of us suffer with Cptsd . :( in 30 years we have all been in one room only once.
One thing I've seen, personally in my daughter, is that C-PTSD can closely resemble BPD as well. For her, it did not resemble narcissism as much as Borderline Personality Disorder.
Yes. Many people say that.
Yep. Many psychologists can't tell the difference either.
I thought most of the stuff she talked about sounded more Borderline. But then again ,BPD has Narcissistic elements too...so they kinda overlap. The motives are just different in the way they manifest.
Borderlines often have the value and devaluing stages, called "splitting"...one minute they love you and a moments later they hate you. You're their best friend, and then they get triggered and you're their worst enemy.
Their paranoia kicks in and they distrust you immensely, then an hour later they may calm down and trust you again.
People with CPTSD have a more consistent pattern of *lack* of trust. They don't usually engage in splitting. CPTSD is a stress issue. As she pointed out, it isn't a personality disorder.
Classic borderline behavior is portrayed in the movie "Fatal Attraction" with Glenn Close and Michael Douglas.
I have CPTSD from childhood emotional neglect. I was neglected because my mom has borderline, due to neglect from her mom, etc. It's intergenerational, so I never wanted kids. I think CPTSD is kind of a "borderline light"
@@deep6301 do you have the condition? Movies are terrible ways of portraying mental illness or trauma. Bessel van der kolk is good so is Judith Herman. Going around diagnosing people based on pop psych and media even books written by therapists in dangerous
Actually writing about this subject, I recognized my mother's narcissism in myself, also recognized how she neglected me but I understood it was because she was overwhelmed..if we are not carful these traits can be carried from one generation to the next, people need desperately to hear this stuff . It also gives the abused and neglected some comfort knowing why they suffered in childhood and power back to change the pattern
Yes! This is reality, and though it's often sad, it's comforting to face it. From here we can open up to new possibilities!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy can a parent not just be narcissistic but cptsd also and transmitting the damage?
Such an Important message. ThankYou. Narcissists are genuinely MEAN. A CPTSD person is NOT purposely.
Only malignant narcissists are mean on purpose, coverts try to protect their fragile ego, but are still mean (just like people with CPTSD).
@@jannajohnsen1796 Thank you for this clarification because I was told that narcissists have had severe trauma at such a young age they don't remember it and thus a catalyst to being a narcissist. My worst adult experience was of the spoiled golden child who was a gaslighting predator that enjoyed abusing his partner verbally and then violently physically assaulted me when informed that I would seek outside support. He played the 'no witness victim' and I was accused of causing my own injuries, including broken bones. I did not assault him at all. What I had to learn and understand was that I should never have allowed even one verbal abuse against me without finding community support. This long delay reinforced his feelings of power over me and entitlement to move from verbal abuse to physical assault. Strong boundaries are so necessary in life but many survivors of childhood trauma do not have firm boundaries due to so much boundary-crashing violations growing up in a dysfunctional family.
traumatized people have souls narcissists don't lol
@@dianaboughner7977 every crappy action can be forgiven if someone feels even slight remorse, my narcissistic ex was as close to evil as i can think of i saw no remorse in his eyes. he would throw water on me in the middle of the night because i didn't put something away etc. and it made him feel like he was special, he almost made me hate the human race
@@leahflower9924 I am sorry you went through such horrible experiences like this. Yes, they can certainly wear you down over time. Whether they are aware of everything and the possible outcomes or not they can certainly harm their partners repeatedly. I learned to never show fear or tears because somehow this just made him strut like a peacock and escalate the abuse.
It's so interesting watching this after being diagnosed with C-PTSD and being on a healing journey for three years! My biggest breakthrough was acknowledging that I was indeed emotionally neglected by my parents, BUT how I was responsible for what was happening to me as an adult due to that neglect. I had the complication of dealing with a narcissistic parent as well I learned! I had to take accountability for how I was coming off to others and how I was perpetuating toxic behaviors without realizing and THAT'S why I was attracting toxic people into my life. Looking back it's wild to see how different I am now. Not being blinded or staying in a victim mentality is how I've been able to grow.
My narcissistic trait: learned unhelpful helpfulness. The proof of my benefit was what I could do and that maladaptation is still ruining my relationships and professional opportunities. I'm overtly helpful and thoughtful and I'm understand just how much well-adjusted people HATE that bullshit. Doing well myself is like stepping into a canoe with my eyes closed.
Thanks CHF. You helped me understand.
I can't tell you how much I love this video. The thing I really like about your channel and your way of dealing with CPTSD is that you don't make it a black and white abuser versus victim thing. I can't relate most videos about narcissism because they make the narcissist into some one dimensional abusive villain and the poor codependent is just swept up within the evil spell, and that's not my experience. Some people would call my partner a narcissist but I have many screwed up, narcissist trait myself that did just as much, perhaps even more, harm to our relationship and my mental well-being (For instance, I have dropped people when good things happen to them because I get so bitter and jealous.) I have a crippling fear of upsetting and disappointing people that makes me shut down, and while it would be easy, and I actually have gotten mad at others for not making it easier for me to express myself, I know the ultimate responsibility to get over that fear is on me, and I do have the power to do it. So thank-you for calling out narcissistic traits that a lot of people let pass because we think we are the victim, the empath, the codependent, etc.. I really admire how you model taking personal responsibility, and for reminding people that they do have it in them to heal and live better.
Thanks so much for that perspective! So appreciated!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I just want to say
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ I really appreciate comments that normalise being open about our toxic traits that we're working on. We're doing our best. I really recommend reading up on polyvagal theory and some of the 'newer' therapies like Internal Family Systems. That one in particular is very non pathologising and acknowledges that parts of us are in conflict just trying to survive and get their needs met and oftentimes in maladaptive ways but they're still trying.
if you become trauma bonded to a narc you don't have to just see yourself as a victim or target but the narc pretty much does see you as a target, the reason why trauma bond is so successful is i'm an empath so if the narc is my partner i will rationalize some of what they do and link it with my own flawed behaviors. the narc still is basically being predatory though IMO.
@@leahflower9924 you explained exactly what this person did in this thread they don’t understand the difference between themselves and their so called narc. One is they see their flaws but does their so called narc see theirs ? That’s the difference
Wow, so well said
Honestly Anna, if you lost 3 close family members, got attacked and dumped in one year and a "friend" tells you you are self-centered for talking about it too much and not being able to focus on them too, then I think that is not a friend but a very selfish person with no empathy... !You were right about being mad at first !
We can't expect friends to be our 24/7 emotional babysitters. Life got better when I learned to heal.
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I understand that and of course I don't know the details of the situation that time, for instance the duration and closeness of that friendship, if they had many problems themselves etc... But the way you say it in the video, it sounds like this person was just being outright callous and rude to you.
It’s also why when I see friends acting in a selfish way, that my first thoughts are wondering what is going on for them. Anna, I love your channel, it is so informative and helpful that you have gone through this and healed. It’s true that many people can not understand what we go through as they have no context, and it’s OK. There are plenty of people who do resonate and don’t stay in the victim role.
@Sin X This friend had attended to me dozens and dozens of times.
@@annarunkle9819 They had probably already crossed their boundaries with you and then lashed out in overwhelm, which is understandable but not really justified.
Oh Boy, this really resonates with me! It's eye-opening to realize that my desire to shield myself from triggering situations and cope with stress actually does show up in these ways! I love that you encouraged us to think about the idea of building a New Identity as a person who is no longer a victim, or learning to become a person who is no longer a victim. I love the idea that I don't need to be special or have any sort of special story to be good enough to find peace and healing.
What a sweetheart you are. Thanks for sharing your progress.
the special part is amazing
Every single person has some “story” some are worse than others and that can help with gratitude for me when I’m struggling. As long as you know you’re special that’s all that counts!
I had experienced the same as you Anna. I experienced two closest family members die in 4 years, and then got terribly bullied at work, falsely led by my friends in investments and lost all of my money, dumped by the guy who I devoted my heart and emotions to, and then attacked by a man lived next door, and then got cheated by the HR of the new job I found later when I found I can’t continue to bear the bullying anymore at the former workplace. I was dead, and deeply depressed. But I didn’t die.
So glad you are here, surviving and thriving :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this! I'm so over people shouting narcissist at people like a label but failing to recognize that person was let down in life and became that way for a reason. You always read that narcissists can never be cured but honestly maybe not cured, but they can absolutely heal and become better less self-absorbed people.
Thanks for that kind perspective!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Earth mother fine and dandy that they where hurt and or abused. But narssist will kill a persons life out of them. They need to do the healing before letting someone fall in love with them, and most dont. This is why most say run as fast as you can in the other direction when you find out that thats the kind of person your with. The narssist are so wounded they need very very specialized THERAPY but they search out good hearted fixers that have no idea how to heal the damage that has been done and in turn get pulverized buy the narssist. Its very sad they are so sick, but it is a fact to be very aware of and not in denial about.
“You’re capable of so much more but you just can’t do it.” This statement!
When a person is in a state of shock or acute woundedness, their survival is on the line, such that they must tend their condition in order to survive. This looks like self-centeredness, but that term carries a negative and selfish connotation. A better term might be self-tending, which, again, they have to be in order to take care of themselves. If a person has a broken leg, they cannot be your running-partner. If a person has a broken foot, they can't be your hiking buddy. Expecting a person in shock or acute woundedness to be a social partner of any kind is not realistic, it's simply not feasible. Their hands are already overflowing, and they can't handle all of that, so expecting them to do more, is simply not going to happen. One can accuse them of "selfishness" all they want, but that's like getting mad at a running-partner because right now, they can't run because they have a broken leg. Crisis is crisis, and people that are in a stable state, need to be realistic and kind. If they've never been through severe shock or acute woundedness, then maybe they don't understand. People need to consider the things others are going through.
Nice metaphors, appreciate you joining the conversation!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is so helpful. You're right, it's not out of selfishness, it's out of survival. The only thing I knew to do to take care of myself was to withdraw and minimise or evade any new, additional damage as much as possible. No additional demands or stress. I'm very lucky that I had two friends who understood.
Wish more people understood this. Wish I had understood this and protected my own boundaries and hard-won mental health. Subsequent nervous breakdowns and losses were so unnecessary and didn't help anyone in the longrun.
@@kahlodiego5299
A lot of times, people 'give away' their boundaries and knowledge of the truth due to self-doubt. Perhaps someone cons them (gaslights them) into believing they were mistaken, that their perceptions were faulty, so that they give away their boundaries and safety structure, so that they forfeit the actual truth they knew. One must ascertain the truth, and then lock-hard on Wisdom and Truth, and not let go for anything. There are a lot of people playing games out there, and they are quick to play/prey on people that they judge as 'weak'. "Guard your heart, for out of it flow the issues of Life." (from Proverbs 4).
@@Catbooks
I've called that "cocooning", where one withdraws from damage to heal and to preserve the health that remains intact. When a dog is injured, they withdraw to a safe place and lick their wounds for healing. All of Nature knows not to re-engage in a context of danger and risk. Ascertaining what is wisdom is vital, understanding is key. That is true whether one is injured or not, it is true whether situations are fine or dangerous > one must not assume, but first ascertain the situation. When a dog or bear is healed from their injuries, they don't just charge out of their den without a care, they first look around and observe. It is that same sensibility that wisdom requires of us, to keep our eyes open, and to be clear with ourselves about what we observe. That doesn't mean we need to walk in fear in this Life, but to pay attention and be honest with ourselves, and then to apply wisdom. One doesn't need to allow themselves to be pressured by others: that gives away one's 'agency,' and that's not wisdom.
My first impulse was to write "guilty as charged". Please note, I waited & thought about it. Going to root around for the guilt & shame still hiding, move it along! It's forever a knee-jerk reaction to think everything is my fault. It affects both mood & reaction. So glad to have a forum like this to work these issues out!
Glad you're sharing with us as you work it out :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is the first time I've heard if CPTSD.
I've been ruminating from my last relationship, heavily confused at how I acted. I've been confused about the healing process because my empathy returned. I keep going back and forth, with black and white thinking about myself. CPTSD speaks to me so much. I never want to be the person I was. I never want to be cold and push people away.
"Open your heart again" is exactly how this feels. Thank you so much for this video.
So glad you found the channel! We're sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Toni here. I was shocked/stunned to hear you say, Anna, that we with CPTSD get stuck in our feelings, especially when triggered. I am there All.The.Time. I feel (there I go again! lol) overwhelmed by life, I “hide” from my friends, and I harshly push my husband away from me. Living is simply too much.
CCF has a lot of strategies to get relief. This link is a free course bit.ly/3608opl
-Cara@TeamFairy
I began becoming aware of my own narcissistic traits a few years ago. I became aware that I was responding to thing in very much the same way my father did. I also found that one can reduce those traits as one becomes aware of them. One becomes less controlled by things from your past that can ruin enjoyment of your present.
As I learn about it, I believe very much that I have been struggling with this CPTSD.
Well said!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This was great- I think NPD may actually be an extreme form of cPTSD but it was really helpful to have someone clearly define where some narcissistic thinking crosses the line into unhealthy. I also loved the clarity on being realistic about being a victim, but not letting that identity take over. thanks!
This is what I think as well. Yes there can be "other forms" of narcissism that could result from being spoiled, etc. But when people with CPTSD try to talk about how NPD is different, it sounds a lot like splitting hairs. I think CPTSD is more accurate and provides pathways to healing (vs the belief that narcs can't possibly become self-aware). But I don't think they're completely separate phenomena. I think narcissists have just been consumed by their CPTSD to the point that they live in a totally different reality that constantly clashes with the real world.
There is also spirit nark and the nameless narcissist who have yt channels and talk about there npd quite extensively.
They seem to have come to the conclusion that npd is a form of advanced CPTSD, and that the difference between it and bpd is grandiosity as a copeing mechanism.
The way they describe there inner experience is really interesting. Its hard to trust ppl who openly call them selves narcisists. Very much unreliable narrator but i think there is truth in what theyre saying
Good comments about friendship. At 5:08, she says that the hallmark of a narcissist is to ask if others are making things good for you; but I have recently realized that I've never expected friends to treat me well; I was GRATEFUL that anyone spent time with me. I'm beginning to understand that I deserve to be treated better by a few of my friends. I don't have a partner or family; friends are EVERYTHING to me. (source of love, support, etc.)
I'm so relieved that despite having CPTSD, I share very few of these narcissistic tendencies.
Thank you for this video... I thought i was a vulnerable narcissist, but so many things didn't apply to me: namely actively playing memory games to manipulate others.
I never intentionally manipulated others.
Glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow, this is so on point, it took my breath away.
I’m a mental health professional as well as living with CPTSD so I can view narcissism from a personal and professional perspective. Seeing some of these behaviours in myself is a hard pill to swallow but a fantastic opportunity to heal and grow.
As for sussing out other people, I think discerning between who is actually narcissistic and who is presenting with narcissistic traits can be difficult because as much as we try, there are no clearly defined yardsticks to measure something as complex as human relationships and behaviour.
Thanks for your comments!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thanks for your insights, it's actually quite hard for traumatized people to care for others when we're still dealing with our wounds, but helpful to know how traumatized people can adjust their ways if they're ready to want healthy relationships - instead of suffering from loneliness.
Well said :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Your point about unequal relationships was a HUGE lightbulb moment!
I'm fresh out of a painful breakup that I didn't recognize started as trauma bonding.
The pandemic caused my cptsd to flare in a major way, and my partner's and my own insecure attachment led to verbal, psychological and physical abuse.
The guilt, shame and stuckness made me seriously consider suicide, but multiple therapists I was seeing and the compassionate input of genuine friends made me strong enough to admit I finally had enough and so I ended it.
My ex is furious and blames me for stealing/ruining her life and rescinding on our intention to be together for life.
I know now that we both are severely wounded individuals, and I'm so much further down the path of healing
but to have been consistently abused while being called a narcissist almost broke me.
I am so grateful for this lifesaving video.
I adore your body of work and approach, and will definitely take your dating course before ever committing to a relationship again. For now, being on my own whilst deepening my friendships and healing feels RIGHT.
I'm so glad to hear you got some relief watching this video, so glad you're here and figuring out what healing looks like for you :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
This explains why sometimes I feel I have become like my narc mother. I am not a narc, just feels like it because her fleas got into some of the crevices of my personality. Thank God it didn't go further. I know I have a light within me, it's just really hard some days. Thank you for this video, really needed it.
Glad you got what you needed:)
-Cara@TeamFairy
My family has called me selfish for years and I recently had a falling out with my sister. I just realized that maybe she was right and maybe I'm treating people how I felt as a child. Great and humbling video.
What brave insight!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"Let it sit on the porch for a while." Anna, honey, when you showed up, I yanked you through the front door with your sandals flapping and sat you down at the kitchen table! I served you coffee after coffee, invited you for lunch, then dinner, then made you to stay the weekend! LOL!!! Seriously, Crappy Childhood Fairy is giving me a new awakening. I've read Pete Walker's work and watched videos to learn about CPTSD, but your channel has made it real and personal for me. It's an understatement to say that you explain it like nobody else. I'll be incorporating the Daily Practice into my life and checking out your courses. I'm very grateful that you took the leap and started this channel!
Excellent perspective Anna. Saw myself all through this. Actually was asking myself if Im just a reflection of my wounded narcissistic father. Not a pleasant thought! I do have a dose of my father’s arrogance and grandiosity, and it does push people away! “Rescuing” other people while dodging accountability for my role in my own problems doesn’t help anyone. Self honesty might be bitter medicine, but its the only way to real health. True narcissists won’t swallow that pill.
Thanks for some great food for thought 😙You’re doing great work💕💕💕
I became paranoid that I became a narcissist, but I knew it was possible to heal and grow the more self-aware I became. I now understand the role I played in my past and how I am subconsciously attracting abusers and staying stuck in the victim mindset even after I leave. And CPTSD describes my mindset perfectly. I can't wait to heal fully, and I've really been putting in the work to get there :)
Excellent!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I've often wondered this about myself . How can anyone raised with narcissism on view as a way of being in the world not absorb at least some of this behaviour ? I've been stuck in trauma for decades . I have been self obsessed with trying coddle myself because of the horrific verbal abuse that has always played in my head . This doesn't fix it . To paraphrase a saying attributed to Eleanor Roosevelt 'you wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you realized how seldom they do' . Everyone is wrapped up in themselves . Thanks for bringing these topics out in the light .
STOP! I've just heard the most affirming words. Had to pause to cry. My mother had 3 daughters, I'm the 2nd. 1st daughter was ago-getter highly intelligent, and the 3rd sister was the baby.
It was as if I was a nuisance.
Let me just say, that I got what the other two sisters did not. I have just started therapy.
I'm overwhelmed.
Thank you so much, doctor!
I'm going to take a break.
Oh this is exactly what kind of mother I am and drove my daughters away from being in my life and never knew this until my grand son was diagnosed with narcissistic behaviour. Asked my son if I was one too and he replied if I have to ask, and left the question hanging 😢 all you saying is so true about me
Healing is about going forward, you can do it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I understand!
I have c-ptsd though I see a lot of my fathers narcissistic traits in me.
I don't want to get into detail but I went through a great deal of traumatic events as a child and I'm finally realizing that I have let them hold me back for too long.
I am not my trauma!
I will be watching more, looking forward to learning.
Thank you for this video!
I really want to learn healthier ways of dealing with things that trigger me and help my communications with other people so they can better understand
Welcome to the Channel!
-Cara@TeamFairy
OMG You don't know how much I needed this! 😭 I once heard someone say someone they knew was sensitive - sensitive to their own feelings. Even though they weren't talking about me, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. I wondered, is that me, too? Am I a narcissist? My psychiatrist also told me narcissists usually don't ask if they are, so not to worry. 😆
Thanks for jumping in!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"All discomfort and shame is no longer caused by other people or the past" That is powerful.
Agreed!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My therapist told me that a narcissistic person would not even think to ask the question, 'am I a narcissist '!!!
I've been in therapy for depression most
my life. My partner of 20yrs accused me of being a narcissist during an argument. It devastated me..like i can't get over it....anyway my therapist said the same to me.
I ask my therapist every couple sessions if they are sure I'm not a narcissist 🤣😪
I have learned that answers to questions are my own. What I feel directs me to repair myself. Stop asking for others opinion. Bless yourself.
@@Elcostagus For me, the term narcissist has been overused to the a point where it has lost its significance to me. I've seen it used to describe friends who forgot a birthday, a parents who missed out on a payment of child support, a partner who wanted to play video games instead of doing something that the spouse thought was important -- at this point, when I hear someone call someone a narcissist I automatically think, "they did something you didn't like" instead of, "they must be a bad person" so don't feel devastated if someone called you a narcissist. Chances are they're calling you that because you did something they didn't like, not because you're a terrible person. And if you were a terrible person, well, everyone has been terrible one time or another. Human beings are all imperfect and we all mess up. As long as you're willing to work on being better, that's what matters.
Just going to add because this has been bugging me for a while - Sometimes I feel the term narcissist has morphed into the short form for "The Next Hitler." That concerns me because it feels like it creates a group of "those dirty narcissists" that people are terrified of being associated with and they concentrate more on how not to be perceived as one instead of realizing, " we're all human and it's not the end of the world if I'm impure in some ways, especially since I'm wiling to take responsibility and accountability to do better." It's hard to explain what I'm trying to say but hopefully someone gets the gist of it.
@@ProfessorGothic I agree that the term "triggered" is oversued, and also misused to demonized, control, and shut down other people who disagree with them. Lord knows, I've been on the receiving end of people who were triggered by EVERYTHING, and I felt like I was always walking on eggshells or stuck in a minefield with them. I bounced between massive resentment and hating myself because I was such a terrible person for triggering someone. It was awful.
That said, I do have triggers myself and I do think it's useful to use the word, especially when it comes to healing and recovery. I needed to know what my triggers are in order to know to when and why I'm disregulated so I know what to work on next. I also find it useful to know what triggers other people because it has helped me de-escalate or keep myself safe in potential explosive situations. And there are moments when a little thoughtfulness can make the situation easier on both parties. I think the concept of triggers is legitimate and helpful and definitely has it place. But I also know, like everything else, it can misused as a way to control and demonize others or justify bad behaviour in one's self. I definitely have done both before.
BTW, I really like your point in another comment where you brought up Narcissistic Personality Disorder versus the word narcissist to describe someone who did something someone didn't like, or like you, someone who has more self-esteem. It's really too bad it gets misused because NPD is a really thing, and like the word "trigger", there are times when the term is useful and legitimate and needed.
I've learned more from 2 of her videos than I have from all the hours of videos by Dr. X, Y, Z...lol. You are the absolute best, Anna.
Wow, thank you!
I’ve been trying to understand how my loved one who clearly has CPTSD can have become what appears to be from his behavior, a passive aggressive vulnerable narcissist. Thank you Anna, for connecting the dots.
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ucant be passive aggressive and vulnerable at the same time your son must be an excellent actor .
I've been crying listening to this. I've watched a lot of Dr. Ramani's videos on narcissism and thought, like, OMIGOD, I'm such a narcissist, I'm so reactive, so disregulated emotionally, etc. Not wanting to disparage Dr. Ramani here, but this video is confirming for me; it's CPTSD from a whole panoply of harmful childhood experiences that's making me act out sometimes in ways that seem narcissistic. I still am not healed yet, but I'm making progress. At least I rarely take it out on someone else. I yell at my computer; I don't yell at my coworkers or at my friends (the few I have). Not often, anyway.
No matter what trauma I have been involved in and through and will never get out of, I find regulating is the best medicine. I call it simplifying my life and I mean that as far as items are concerned as well as the clutter in my head and the way I react to it. That's a good feeling but I realize that some of it will never goes away
That sounds about right. I like you're approach.
The best Chanel on cptsd !!! Greatings from Serbia 🤗
HELLO Serbia!!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I noticed that there is a transcript available, brilliant! Long story short, PTSD has been with me all my life(undiagnosed), until my dad died; then it turned my life upside down and inside out. I found the pieces to the puzzle, first being unable to read and retain or listening and comprehending. More puzzle pieces with the conclusion of CdPTSD. I so appreciate this topic is being talked about, early on for me was basically no hope for better. I live to tell, with work it does get better, certainly difficult days overall growth and hope.
Wow! So many people here so gifted w/self reflection, honesty, vulnerability and can feel the desire & willingness to heal on these comments. WAY TO GO EVERYBODY!!!! Xoxo
It's a great community! Thanks for sharing this positive message :) -Calista@TeamFairy
hope everybody's keeping well.
This video is such a helpful checklist! 15 years ago I was diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My girlfriend at the time knew that I was not a narcissist but the diagnosis took a toll. Later, I was diagnosed with CPSD. It's taken a long time to learn to recover and stop those tendencies that mirrored narcissism and all the rest. I love your videos and this one in particular. Sometimes it feels so cozy to feel the victim and the most wonderful person in the world. lol. That's why I need this video and other resources.
This is so helpful, thank you. I've been learning a lot about NPD to try to understand my mother, and my childhood, and of course i find myself questioning my own "narcissistic" traits, whilst also trying not to shame & persecute myself for them and effectively continue the abuse. Your explanations about the sensitivity to criticism, unequal relationships, and the "entitlement" (aka dependency/helplessness/disempowerment) really rang true and answered a lot of questions that i've been having lately. It can be so hard to find the balance and to know where to put the boundaries sometimes, especially when you already have the self-doubt that comes with C-PTSD... I'm also now questioning whether people i've assessed as "narcissistic" are actually just expressing these C-PTSD traits also. I guess i still get to choose whether i want them around me, but it isn't my place to judge them... Thank you so much for your work! 🙏
I'm really glad the topic spoke to you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I started saying that i am the survivor of childhood abuse, not the victim of it. it honestly changed something in me.
Since finding out that my mother's a narc, ive been fearing discovering im also a narc. Deep down, im sure im not but sometimes, a small thing makes me doubt myself because im not sure if the behavior is associated with trauma or with narcissism. I see blurred lines, I get confused, then I think about it a lot and most of the time, I come to the conclusion that it's related to my trauma or my autism. The one thing I struggle with in what is listed in this video is victim mentality. I started trying really hard to get rid of that and it's hard because I feel so cheated now that I understand that my mother's a narc. I know im not responsible for what happened and that im the one who has to do the work to get better but some thoughts are hard to fight, like feeling as if my mother robbed me of a childhood, how my dad abandonned me as an infant, how none of my relatives did anything to help me, how I was abused by partners, how my autism makes it hard to make lasting friendships, things like that. All those very unfair and damaging things that happened to me make me feel like a victim and shifting my standpoint is hard. I need help and I dont know if im gonna get it. So I do everything I can to get better on my own for the time being.
We have a lot of resources at CCF :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have CPTSD from narcissistic abuse and I’m often asking my therapist if I’m the narcissist. Now I know why. This is so informative.
I work to keep myself grounded, constantly reminded I am not perfect. To remember who I really am. Someone that has a lot of love to share. I don't have friends, that is something I understand. I chase others away, just to keep myself safe. I am lonely.
Our membership is a great step towards more connection :) bit.ly/CCF-Membership
-Cara@TeamFairy
@Crappy Childhood Fairy I would but I can not afford that much, but thanks for the offer!
Thank you Anna. This is really helpful clarification. My narcissistic mother accused me behind my back, of doing the very things she did, even though I feel like the opposite of the person she was. And we think we're the only ones with our problems because we don't know of anyone else with them. But it's amazing finding whole communities of people commenting on videos like this who had very similar experiences. "Nothing new under the sun" and our stresses and anguish are "common to man" as the Bible says.
This was a very helpful vid, the comments about Arrogance resonate loudly. Regarding sweeping accusations, prior to my recovery program I used to hate Christmas music because it was too saccharine filled. To me, it was disingenuously sweet. The problem wasn't Christmas music, it was me. At the time I was struggling with my addiction. I kept my addictive behavior hidden from others. I was disingenuous, I was full of lies. I was projecting my disingenuous self onto the world around me (a narcissistic thing to do). After roughly 3 years into recovery, Christmas music stopped grating, I could hear it in the background without feeling angry or upset. It was an amazing symptom of my healing journey.
Ah, your self awareness is powerful! Thanks!
Wow you had me in the first 30 seconds... and the worst part is having what looked from the outside like a "normal" childhood, and not even knowing it oneself until (in my case) you've been through more trauma ringers. Just brutal and so unseen.
It was a relief to see this. My understanding of a loved one's personality, tendencies and reactions just came full circle for me.
Glad that it helped you out!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I spent at least 10 years healing from childhood trauma. I was the happiest I had been EVER. It was not from anything outside of myself.(proud of). Then... My jaw was destroyed at a prominent dental school. So... Having to start over. Retraumatized. Thank you.
This was really helpful, thanks ccf :). Particularly the 'helping' arrogance, guilty, I have strong urges to 'fix' and have definitely used accumulating knowledge as a way of feeling safe and powerful/in control. It's a bit of an entrenched habit working hard to break and step back and wait until I am asked. I suspect also that many of us who have suffered find suffering quite unbearable to witness in others and genuinely want to help ease that, just 'being' there is more than enough isn't it?
Wow Christina your comment was big red flag for me.ive been a huge rescuer and lately wondered if I'm not narcissist. Been life long examiner of info being a retired RN I continue to help those who don't see they have power over their health issues. I'm beginning therapy myself very soon. That guilt I feel if a persons health or died from their lack of accountability has overwhelmed me. So thank you for your insight. Thank you Christina.p
1. Go to the psychoanalyst and work with your self-esteem. 2. Find your aim and begin to achieve it. 3. Sleep enough, eat what you want, but not too much, go in for sports, chat with friend and love smb.
Thank you for the encouragement!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My best friend once said something that soothed my mind in this regard, I was young and really not okay with myself and feared to turn out like my mother. "Just because you have narcissistic traits, it doesn't make you a narcissist. You took what makes you thrive and survive, don't blame yourself."
Thank you! This video really addressed my long time confusion 'cause I constantly have doubts about whether or not I'm a self-absorbed narcissist and feel guilty about ignoring people around me ('cause my major energy goes towards fighting my symptoms...).
This makes so much sense - and it validates my suspicion that deep wounds and abuse can make an empath into a narcissist.
I’ve been close to three Narcissists. They were three of the most traumatized people I’ve ever known. One of them was my father. When I started trying to understand my CPTSD I realized that some of my least liked behavior looked like narcissism.
Great self-awareness!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I have really bad cptsd. when I was a child I completely ignored other children, they gave me extreme anxiety and I felt sick around people and I cut off loads of friends. One of the friends I cut off because I was crying at school and she shouted at me 'you are not the only one with problems' I felt so depressed and hurt by it. It was the last time I had a friendship for 4. I had no friends in my school and I was neglected and abused at home and psychologists just thought that my loneliness was caused by autistim. Now looking back, it hurts to know that I was dealing with ptsd and I didn't get any treatment. It feels great when you explain what my problems are because it makes me realise that I can move on from my anxiety around friendships and maybe get better. I thought there was no hope for me
This is fabulously helpful in understanding a person in my life that experienced trauma as a child and behaves in ways that could easily be interpreted as narcissistic. Thank you!
Thats great that it helped you understand the person in your life. Thank you for sharing. Jack@TeamFairy
One therapist said he thought I was a narcissist. I spent most of my young life detangling gaslighting and doublebind tasks that I got from members of my family. This resulted in me watching and constructing every thought I had and word word I said.
I'm so happy you did a video on this! I have been trying to figure this out for so long. Your videos really resonate. CPTSD looks almost exactly like borderline traits and this really isn't talked about enough.
I don't think there are neat boundaries between these disorders... Sometimes I think the main thing is the age at which disruption occurs. If it's two or three, it can lead to PD. If it's as a teen or adult, CPTSD but not PD as personality is already largely formed.
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
My mother is a covert narcissist. Some of the things she did to me I can remember as early as 4 years old. I believe she caused my C-PTSD which was diagnosed as Bi-polar for 20 something years. Now that I am off that medication my head is clearing up and the Prozac I now take is helping with depression. I think I've outgrown Dr Ramani now find your videos so interesting, relatable, and helpful. ThankYou!
I so needed to hear this! I have been in my codependency healing process for almost five years. Recently I have started thinking that I may have become somewhat obnoxious. I have been trying to establish my boundaries and speak my truth, but now my family doesn’t speak to me and friends are dropping like flies. I feel like I’m in a catch 22 of being myself but offending everyone in the process. I have been in two narcissistic marriages, but am wondering if it’s my own damn fault because I have learned too much and I’m seriously exhausted from studying and dealing with my CPTSD!
Good on you for looking inward, all we can heal is ourselves! So glad you shared with us.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I realize that I have a tendency to think that the world owes me something. It's hard to face the truth that the world doesn't owe me anything, but I realize that, it's hard to make sacrifices when the most important things aren't there.
Spot on. Thank you. Lying and shamelessness/absence of remorse IMHO distinguish narcissism from cptsd. But that's just my observation at the moment. The lines between cptsd, borderline and narcissism can be quite blurry indeed. Part of recovery is being able to move from black and white thinking to a more nuanced understanding of the complex and relative nature of the human psyche. Being able to look in the mirror and see the true ish reflexion is hard but what takes us away from narcissism (deluded/idealised vision of oneself), I think 😊
Damn, this is maybe the only logical and self reflective video I've seen on the topic. Well done, ma'am.
All very true. The point about the trauma having taken away our skills, hopes, etc, etc, is so huge, esp when life goes so wrong, or some things happen that are so dreadful, taken out of our control for the main part, that would never have been something chosen, and now has to be lived with. Anger toward self for not doing more at the time to self protect, and having taken full responsibility and the continued attacks from those closest, the desperation to survive every day, eventually leading to the recognition that there was targetting by certain others who want the child born out of chaos to pay for their lives changing. I always understood that. They certainly let me know it, but all their previous chaos was piled onto me, and they wanted payback, over and over again. There is targetting in some situations. Until this is come to terms with, a person may get mixed up about themselves, maybe trying too hard to be accepted. Truth may hurt more, but it's always best. There is grieving for the child you knew, who would not have chosen that path, not at all, but has to live with the results. Being cheery is the coping mechanism that hides a multitude of sins. Sometimes, or often, there isn't anywhere to find the support needed, so self help can take a long time to learn so much.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Years ago, two Belgian psychologists, named Conrad Baars and Anna Terruwe, attempted to have Emotional Deprivation Disorder added to the DSM. They were not successful, but they wrote a book about it called HEALING THE UNAFFIRMED. I like this channel and what you are doing, but in reading the comments, it’s important to remember that labels, no matter how accurate, still stick. These psychologists managed to avoid most of this and learned, as the title of this book states, to just affirm severely broken people, many of whom went on to make a full recovery. In other words, the brokenness comes from the lack of love. And loving restores another to wholeness. I think it is probably better to focus on this than to rehash the past to look over and over again at every error you or I have ever made. We need to do this initially to make amends with others, and to give and receive forgiveness, but as we heal, part of that process is to release false guilt, too. No one has to be defined by labels.
Odd that you put this out today, just at the right time to. I been isolating for over a year and been forced due to just needing to talk to someone. Thank you your timing is perfect 😊 thank you
excellent!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I really enjoyed this video I have been studying on Narcissistic Abuse, and realize I have had Narcissistic Abuse as a child but often I find myself in dialogue with my hubby where its me me me, so this clarifies much I also find I often think many people are narcissistic and there is no safe place basically it is a very unsafe place so this just clarifies things for me,........... I realize whilst there may be many narcissists out there and and there are ways that I am behaving that are not contributing to my own healing and are not giving a good self reflection of whom I actually am. so thank you. the thing is life is 3 dimensional and in our own healing its easy to move away from this mind set and become alienated.
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow's a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the present
Consumed by past.
Fear of future.
Absent in the now.
:)
Going to get that printed up & framed - absent .... & we parent ____ i wonder if it was contagious needed my mommy when I had to be one & her absence severely thwarted my presence in the present
The generous present moment ,Dr.. Joe Dispenza STAY SIT DONT GET UP FROM IT , BREATHE
I grew up thinking my family was “normal.”
And when I was 33, I enrolled in college and found out that screaming, yelling, condemning, hitting, biting, bullying etc. we’re NOT NORMAL!
It took decades to develop, heal and find my person who knew how to nurture and love me. He died 18 months ago and it’s VERY difficult to venture out into a world worse than ever before. I’m in the process of shaking free from the first opportunist. I don’t believe I will allow a second.
I have often thought I was a narc, until I realized that narcs don't choose to deal with their inner pain.
I do still think being brought up by one, some of those traits were installed in me, I was controlling, angry, argumentative, full of self denial, and fear.
Only when I began the journey back to my foundation the child, did I begin to shed those horrid traits which were causing me so much pain.
Tears, years of crying, not stop, once switched on I couldn't and did not want to turn them off, I knew I needed to let them out.
Even though everyone around me kept telling me to stop, to "get over it" "the past is the past"
But I did not stop, that would be giving up on myself, the poor child I was who went through the flames who took the first blows of heartbreak.
How can we do that?
Carry on ignoring the poor innocent child we were?
The child entered a game of hide and seek with their mind.
The child.soul hid and the body was placed on auto pilot programmed to seek the child, when it's safe.
Our Light flows through the heart of the child, we need to reconnect with the child who has the Light of Truth and will guide us to our hearts Door.
Knock knock
"Who's there?"
" it's me"
"Me who"
"It's me who hid, and its you who, was supposed to turn back and see me"
To knock s to ask a question, each question we ask ourselves opens our hearts Door a little more, bringing in more insight Light.
Appreciate you sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I'm listening over and over. My afternoon's are to listen hard, take notes, breathe and join hands in this journey. It's hard not to beat myself up.
The work need not include beating yourself up :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I needed this video. I’ve broken a relationship with my behaviours. This one really meant something to me, she’s so traumatised by me. I feel so much shame and guilt. And I miss her terribly.
Shame is pretty common for those of us with CPTSD, but we have solutions!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I feel so called out i feel like crying. You're so wise. You really understand. I'm gonna watch ALL your videos.
Aw. It's good to feel understood. I know.
This helped me so much, thank you. I've spent the last 3 years since my daughter was born wondering and sort of terrified that I'm a narcissist who will damage her the way I was as a child. Your videos have resonated with me so much and helped me put a name to what my experience has been.
Glad this video helped. We're rooting for you and your daughter. - Ashley, Team Fairy
This is so important for CPTSDers to understand! Because it keeps ya from deep and lovely relationships because it turns people off. So important to become self aware
Exactly.
At first,i didn't feel comfortable with the way you presented the topic ,but after 9 minutes i can say in a honest way that i love you,and thanck you soooooo much for your time spendt to help us.I subscribe🥰
This is freeing. And honest. And affirming. Thank you.
So glad you feel relief, you deserve it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Really thought I was a covert narcissist.. this is mind blowing
The title alone is refreshing to me. Narcissist get such a bad rap. My dad was one, and we had a narcissistic spirit that ruled over our family. The truth is we were fearful and all alone. Isolated, even from one another, in a very dark world that left us very hurt and hurtful, not knowing why we had the behaviors we did or even how deep we hurt others. Compassion helps free people from narcissism. For those who care enough to help them break their stuck beliefs and get free, I am so thankful.
That's beautiful, thank you so much!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I agree the title is really really refreshing
I relate to what you are saying...my parents r both untreated ACOAs, my father has many traits of a narc, which, due to all the abuse I endured, I have battled traits of a narc...I hate those traits in myself...I keep begging Creator to change my heart, renew my mind! Blessings to all who read this! It does get better...i love ACOA 12 step community...it works if you work it! Shalom
'Understanding is to the soul as music is to the ear and beauty is to the eye '
Virgil