10:28 Absolutely agree ❤with your golden words: "as we start to mature and as we start to heal we recognize that the biggest turn on is like someone who really treats you well" 👏👏
One thing about the sense of humor. If your sense of humor is making fun of your spouse all the time, don’t be surprised if most people don’t like that humor
I must’ve watched hundreds of videos on relationships and break ups, but this is by far the best 100% spot on on what to look for green flags and red flags. I wish I would’ve had this information 30 years ago. Thank you for this❤
The "ick" needs a better word. It's actually really complex. I recognize I had this happening far too often early on as an exceedingly immature young man dating women. My "icks" were very trivial things that didn't speak to their character but to my shallowness. It really spoke volumes about my insecurities and especially how I took comfort in avoidance. I think it was Ram Dass I heard it from say that what you perceive as flawed in someone else is a signal to identify that in yourself. So I accepted that I'd most likely continue to have the feeling of an "ick" but I would then turn it around on myself. I was honest about all the little things someone could reject me for. It was this self awareness that lead to real change in my patterns. I then began to actually value the idiosyncrasies and superficial "flaws" that just inherently exist because someone is a human being. It's been a tool twofold, as I can keep myself on task to focus on what's important to me in a bigger picture when starting a relationship and I also seem to have an acute sense for noticing when an "ick" might be cropping up in someone else toward me. As long as we are actively growing and evolving to be better people and we are actively showing up in our relationships to the best of our ability that should be noticed and valued. If not, we shouldn't want to give our time to someone who hasn't learned to value themselves quite yet. It's a lot harder to be in a situation with someone you are attracted to but don't know why, and you are also questioning why they would be attracted to you, but you're so insecure to admit to yourself of the things you feel you are unworthy of being loved for, so you hunt for silly reasons to escape. It's exhausting. And to be honest, the sad part is, when you look back you see how wonderful those people really were.
Can you do an episode on why some people who's longing for a long term commitment, and not being able to finding love that match, please. I believe that's a valid reality that exists for many of us. It just doesn't happen no matter the efforts. It goes unrequited.
Then get some professional help if you keep choosing poorly. You are the common denominator. You can change both your attachment type, and your reaction to things not working out with someone.
@@tallspicy it could also be that the person is not choosing anyone, because they can’t find that match. Not everyone is out there choosing wrong partners or not being chosen by the people they want - some just can’t even find someone that they want. And that doesn’t always mean that they have crazy unrealistic standards
Thank you Jillian, this was so amazing. I kind of knew a lot of this but couldn't put a finger on it. You said it really well and everything was deep and poignant. I needed this.
👍🏻I enjoy your content, after wife passed I’m finding dating to be more challenging than it was 20+ years ago. It’s so easy to just think that there’s no one out there that will be a future partner
23:26 just ran into this myself. any consideration for folks who are nd that struggle with certain forms of communication as a whole? I recognized this pattern within myself and it caused a lot of frustration for my partner when we were apart, but I also made it clear that I struggle to initiate certain forms of communication consistently and that is something I've had to actively develop, but remains a challenge. I didn't always match the intensity and pace they took in the relationship, and I just had an unsettling feeling that this was something I should heed. This person showed me a care and trust id never really experienced before, but it just seemed like at the end of the day our vision for life wasn't really compatible, and it didn't feel like they were really up front about thier needs v. what they were conditioned/expected and would quicker neglect those to save a relationship. Maybe I'm wrong but in good conscience it didn't feel right to continue and build resentment later down the line.
Can you speak to codependency and dating someone with an addiction. Seems midlife in the dating world there’s a lot of addictions and they don’t come out right away when you date someone
About that first green flag, I tend to stay positive and engaged and present with people until they demonstrate a certain level of emotional inconsistency or rudeness that appears to be tied to their deeper character, and then I disqualify them and disengage into more of a polite engagement from there. This approach leads to a 2 or 3% success rate. If I continue to stay present and engaged, what happens is they do eventually start mirroring that, most of them actually, but I get the ick from doing that after they’ve failed the initial test. This is amongst a relatively uneducated population, more educated people I would say the success rate is more like 50%.
Bro, either you are 13 years old, or you have no social awareness. Not trying to be mean, but I think you should think about the fact that trauma is what builds one's personaility and it's completely natural for someone to have their own "hidden" past and act insecure or make some "mistake" sometimes. If you judge people without seeing the whole picture and understanding that it is normal for someone to have their own troubles, the problem is you. And my initial statement about you being 13 is that, as I see, you must be really inexperienced not to be able to acknowledge that
She won’t convince you based on the tone here. There is no one definition of how to be lovable or desirable, but I would say… envision what you want in a partner and make sure you are those things.
Be true to yourself. You need to look at yourself with awareness. Confront who you are, the good parts, the parts that cause you to act out. Then be true to yourself.
That girl in love is blind who chose the electrician who isn't her usual type ended the relationship because he was caught sexting someone. The guy was a horndog who just knows how to say the right things. So...signs were there that this will end up happening. He talked about cheating while they were dating. Similar circumstance actually
My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me last week after a few difficult conversations that we were in the process of working through (or so I thought). He ended the relationships saying we were incompatible. I feel so blind sided by this :(
I ignored the emotional manipulation flag because I just thought he was emotional, but then realized that he shouldn’t have been that emotional when we had barely gone out for 1 month. He ended up just wanting to impregnate me to ensure I wouldn’t leave him and was successful but I did leave him.
@@TheFlat6 oups. It was a real question 😅 English isn’t my first language so I’m not sure I get the joke. You mean when there is both red and green lines on the same flag ? 😂🙃
A good communication skill is really the most important thing since most of the problems are due to the lack os it. Amazing video!
I completely agree! Communication is key to any healthy relationship.
10:28 Absolutely agree ❤with your golden words: "as we start to mature and as we start to heal we recognize that the biggest turn on is like someone who really treats you well" 👏👏
Yup 🎯
One thing about the sense of humor. If your sense of humor is making fun of your spouse all the time, don’t be surprised if most people don’t like that humor
I must’ve watched hundreds of videos on relationships and break ups, but this is by far the best 100% spot on on what to look for green flags and red flags. I wish I would’ve had this information 30 years ago. Thank you for this❤
Nobody is more busy than the person who is not into you.
.
Yes!!
Dang you’re better than any therapist I’ve been to
Very sympathetic speech, value oriented, encouraging and full of heart.
You make incredibly helpful content
The "ick" needs a better word. It's actually really complex. I recognize I had this happening far too often early on as an exceedingly immature young man dating women. My "icks" were very trivial things that didn't speak to their character but to my shallowness. It really spoke volumes about my insecurities and especially how I took comfort in avoidance.
I think it was Ram Dass I heard it from say that what you perceive as flawed in someone else is a signal to identify that in yourself. So I accepted that I'd most likely continue to have the feeling of an "ick" but I would then turn it around on myself. I was honest about all the little things someone could reject me for. It was this self awareness that lead to real change in my patterns.
I then began to actually value the idiosyncrasies and superficial "flaws" that just inherently exist because someone is a human being. It's been a tool twofold, as I can keep myself on task to focus on what's important to me in a bigger picture when starting a relationship and I also seem to have an acute sense for noticing when an "ick" might be cropping up in someone else toward me.
As long as we are actively growing and evolving to be better people and we are actively showing up in our relationships to the best of our ability that should be noticed and valued. If not, we shouldn't want to give our time to someone who hasn't learned to value themselves quite yet.
It's a lot harder to be in a situation with someone you are attracted to but don't know why, and you are also questioning why they would be attracted to you, but you're so insecure to admit to yourself of the things you feel you are unworthy of being loved for, so you hunt for silly reasons to escape. It's exhausting. And to be honest, the sad part is, when you look back you see how wonderful those people really were.
😢
You said it so well
I hope you find the love you truly deserve 💞
Can you do an episode on why some people who's longing for a long term commitment, and not being able to finding love that match, please. I believe that's a valid reality that exists for many of us. It just doesn't happen no matter the efforts. It goes unrequited.
Me too 😢
Then get some professional help if you keep choosing poorly. You are the common denominator. You can change both your attachment type, and your reaction to things not working out with someone.
@@tallspicy Yes, thank you, I am. I appreciate your insights. 🙏🏼
@@tallspicyYou sound a bit too harsh. I believe you can say it in a more gentle way. Maybe if you put yourself in her shoes for a moment?
🤍
@@tallspicy it could also be that the person is not choosing anyone, because they can’t find that match. Not everyone is out there choosing wrong partners or not being chosen by the people they want - some just can’t even find someone that they want. And that doesn’t always mean that they have crazy unrealistic standards
Love this woman's clear, calm and cogent style❤
Thank you Jillian, this is truly helpful!
Thank you, Jillian! What is the name of the other episode you mention? Maybe add a link in the show notes?
Thank you Jillian, this was so amazing. I kind of knew a lot of this but couldn't put a finger on it.
You said it really well and everything was deep and poignant. I needed this.
I wish i watched this in the year 2021 of May or June. I am however glad i came across this. ❤
👍🏻I enjoy your content, after wife passed I’m finding dating to be more challenging than it was 20+ years ago. It’s so easy to just think that there’s no one out there that will be a future partner
I'm so sorry for your loss. It's true, dating has changed a lot!
23:26 just ran into this myself. any consideration for folks who are nd that struggle with certain forms of communication as a whole? I recognized this pattern within myself and it caused a lot of frustration for my partner when we were apart, but I also made it clear that I struggle to initiate certain forms of communication consistently and that is something I've had to actively develop, but remains a challenge.
I didn't always match the intensity and pace they took in the relationship, and I just had an unsettling feeling that this was something I should heed.
This person showed me a care and trust id never really experienced before, but it just seemed like at the end of the day our vision for life wasn't really compatible, and it didn't feel like they were really up front about thier needs v. what they were conditioned/expected and would quicker neglect those to save a relationship. Maybe I'm wrong but in good conscience it didn't feel right to continue and build resentment later down the line.
Thank you
You're welcome! I hope it helps!
Can you speak to codependency and dating someone with an addiction. Seems midlife in the dating world there’s a lot of addictions and they don’t come out right away when you date someone
Just walk away. Seriously... Dating is partly an interview process. When you learn that they are an addict, force yourself to walk away
About that first green flag, I tend to stay positive and engaged and present with people until they demonstrate a certain level of emotional inconsistency or rudeness that appears to be tied to their deeper character, and then I disqualify them and disengage into more of a polite engagement from there. This approach leads to a 2 or 3% success rate. If I continue to stay present and engaged, what happens is they do eventually start mirroring that, most of them actually, but I get the ick from doing that after they’ve failed the initial test. This is amongst a relatively uneducated population, more educated people I would say the success rate is more like 50%.
Bro, either you are 13 years old, or you have no social awareness. Not trying to be mean, but I think you should think about the fact that trauma is what builds one's personaility and it's completely natural for someone to have their own "hidden" past and act insecure or make some "mistake" sometimes. If you judge people without seeing the whole picture and understanding that it is normal for someone to have their own troubles, the problem is you. And my initial statement about you being 13 is that, as I see, you must be really inexperienced not to be able to acknowledge that
You made me laugh 😂😂 👌🏼
Well done
Very insightful Jillian. Thank you for sharing
You're welcome! Happy to help!
You remind me of Sandra Bullock 😍
I had the same thought hahah
😢thank you 🙏
I’d like Jillian to talk about HOW to be lovable, how to be desirable, what it is that makes a person worth another’s time.
She won’t convince you based on the tone here. There is no one definition of how to be lovable or desirable, but I would say… envision what you want in a partner and make sure you are those things.
When the person is being authentic/herself
Be true to yourself. You need to look at yourself with awareness. Confront who you are, the good parts, the parts that cause you to act out. Then be true to yourself.
Emotional Intelligence and Self-Awareness is very important. Majority of men lack this skill. Also communication is another one.
Great discussion 😊
I'm so happy you found it helpful!
Love your content! Thanks from Brazil ♥
thank you so much! love you
Glad it helped!
That girl in love is blind who chose the electrician who isn't her usual type ended the relationship because he was caught sexting someone. The guy was a horndog who just knows how to say the right things. So...signs were there that this will end up happening. He talked about cheating while they were dating. Similar circumstance actually
My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me last week after a few difficult conversations that we were in the process of working through (or so I thought). He ended the relationships saying we were incompatible. I feel so blind sided by this :(
Il so sorry for you. I wish you the best ahead. May you heal well and meet the right person 💜
He sounds like an immature, avoidant type. Take it as a blessing. You deserve better.
Here before your channel blows up 👆
😂 Thank you for the support - appreciate you!
I ignored the emotional manipulation flag because I just thought he was emotional, but then realized that he shouldn’t have been that emotional when we had barely gone out for 1 month. He ended up just wanting to impregnate me to ensure I wouldn’t leave him and was successful but I did leave him.
WoW
Good for you 🤍
making someone else your priority is just plain wrong. Like, 100% wrong. Be your own priority always.
Hmmmm, you forgot the "checkered" flag...lol
Good stuff you got going on.
What do you mean? 😂
@ceciliamac4283 😁
@@TheFlat6 oups. It was a real question 😅 English isn’t my first language so I’m not sure I get the joke. You mean when there is both red and green lines on the same flag ? 😂🙃
@ceciliamac4283 yes, you could look at this way, or the traditional meaning you crossed the finish line, perhaps even won..
@@TheFlat6 ahhh 👌🏼 I see. Love it! Thank you for clarifying :)
🤍
❤