Enmeshment is culturally normalized in the way that corporal punishment on kids used to be culturally normalized (and still is normalized in many parts of the world). People like you are helping to change the world. Enmeshment trauma NEEDS to be revealed in mainstream discussions of trauma. There is an epidemic of people who hate themselves and have no idea why because "they had a loving family, after all" and so they just get antidepressants to numb the pain of what they see as nothing other than a "chemical imbalance."
This is quite common. Forgive them for not having the level of consciousness to know or do otherwise. And keep working to be the most differentiated version of you. Remember that true love is free, you do not owe anyone anything outside of basic human rights, like respect.
I'm married to a man deeply enmeshed with adult daughters. They use that grandkids as pawns and manipulate my husband. My husband is also manipulative. They're abusive. So dysfunctional and heartbreaking.
Unfortunately, these patterns get passed down from generation to generation until someone is willing to look at them and do something different. It is incredibly hard to shift it as intergenerational systems have huge emotional and behavioral momentum behind them. However, if one person is willing to change even one pattern they notice, it can make a huge difference down the line! It only takes one person to shift the whole system. If you have a close relationship with any of the grandkids and you behave differently from their parents and your husband, they will have a role model for potential difference in behavior. This could have a huge difference down the line for them. I had an aunt that was much more differentiated than my enmeshed mother and this aunt - without even meaning to - set a huge example for me to be more differentiated than my mother. Never underestimate your power in setting an example for those around you just by being a more regulated nervous system with more emotionally mature patterns of behavior! As Bowen said: “You can’t control a whole damn family, but you can control you, and anytime you can control you, the family is a healthier organism. That is a reason to become a self. The more you can become a self, the more to your advantage, and the family’s.” And this does not matter if you are blood-related or not, as long as you are present in the family in some way, your nervous system becomes a part of the collective system and has influence, even if small.
Allow? It's not the families purpose to 'allow' you to do anything once you become adults. It is the responsibility of healthy parents to help their children become fully independent of one another in both times of prosperity and crisis. At least, if it's a loving one & you're goal is to see all succeed. You're not obligated to do anything for anyone unless you work for them which can happen in many cases if you are so emeshed that you are running a family business together for instance. Obviously, you're not going to need help if you're the member/s of the family that are living in prosperity. It is when you see other's in crisis or need that you should feel the desire and freedom to help if you so choose but this is by no means an obligation, nor should it be.
I'm so glad I've found your channel. It perfectly describes my relationship with my parents. Sadly, I'm no longer a friend of their souls. I want them to suffer for this enmeshment they put me through.
great video! any tips for navigating a horribly enmeshed mil and family system? hubby’s mom comes from a very co-dependent and enmeshed family system. hubby has broken away from that to a degree but she still tries to use those tactics of guilt, shame, manipulation to get us/him to do things she wants. she character assassinates me to him if i say or do things like be honest or tell her off for crossing a boundary. we’d like our kids to have some kind of relationship with their grandmother but not at the expense of the greater good and emotional well-being of the family and my mental health. i feel hubby could be more direct with her but it’s not his style. he lays boundaries in his own way but i’d prefer them to be more direct. it’s an ongoing issue and seems to be more obvious now we have young kids.
This is an excellent question and worth a video on its own, which I’ll add to the list. However, in short, in healthy families that loyalty shift is celebrated. A simple and common example: If your parents invite you to spend the holidays with them, and you respond with, “This year I’m going to spend them with my fiancé’s family out-of-state.” In a differentiated family system the response from your parents would be a very balanced, “Oh how wonderful! Hope you have fun! We will miss you guys, but know you’ll be here in spirit.” They celebrate you having a new life and other connections and experiences, even if it “takes you away” from them at times. In an enmeshed family system, there’s often some type of emotional reaction and push back. This can manifest in many ways - passive aggressive remarks, silent treatment, criticism, guilt trips, drama, getting other family members involved, cold shoulder, talking and complaining behind your back, subtle manipulation or negotiation to get you to change your mind, and so on. But the basic premise is there’s no respect for your autonomous choice and loyalty to your future marriage first. I will go more into your questions in another video!
You do not have to have loyalty to your family. You don't have to have loyalty to friends or anyone. You don't owe anything to anyone and they also don't owe you anything. You are your own person and you don't need anyone at all. Good Luck!
@sonicleaves I am interested in understanding what loyalty means to you. I am not sure I understand what you mean by "You do not have to have loyalty to your family." Isnt family our soft place to go to when the world out there is harsh?
That sounds like it veers into the territory of childhood emotional neglect rather than/in addition to enmeshment. It might be good to explore childhood patterns of your parents possibly having "used you as needed" but discarding you during times in which you weren't useful.
Can we talk about the adult children’s kids in an enmeshed family shaming the dad for dating. Can we talk about the enmeshed man allowing a parent and their adult children to make him feel guilty for raising “step”grandchildren. We never got married because of the entangled family unit. I backed off after he agreed to help me raise preteen grandchildren we moved in together after several years of dating, the kids came and his mindset shifted either because of his families jealous attitudes are because he lied to me about wanting to help me raise them. Unfortunately it feel apart after so much pressure from his family. 10 years together down the tube but I learned a sh** ton from them. So moving on.
Enmeshed family systems cause a huge problem for the intimate relationships of adult individuals. They are overly involved, projecting all of their fears, insecurities, needs, and anxieties. If the adult is not well-differentiated, they will not know how to manage and prioritize intimacy with their chosen adult intimate partners. Their decisions will always be swayed by the family of origin’s opinion and the fear they feel of the family of origin reacting to them or “losing their love” which is the root fear. I will go more into this over time, as the effects of enmeshment and differentiation on intimate relationships will be a big focus on this channel.
@@deborahlara thank you this is such a big issue… he def worried more about what they thought and how he should act within his family. This man is 64 right now and I’m 55 it was one hell of a road to walk down. I still cry sometimes.. nI stupidly kept going back because he told me he had hope and it nearly broke me when I caught him manipulating. I blocked him its been well over 30 days. Im still recovering from the toxic level it got to. I should have known when you see two grown senior men still being toted around by their mother in the backseat of her car… that should have been a big red flag. The weirdest part for me is seeing him defend the bad behaviors for instance of his brother as of it were his son. Or his mothers really bad behaviors as if it were his wife. He never protected me like that but the moment He saw his mother do something to me he downplayed it. It was so grossly out of proportion and undeniably the most backstabbing “love “ i have ever seen or heard of.
A very common criticism when not considering the human developmental and evolutionary perspective. And when not refuting the core issue being presented.
Totally enmeshed, totally in the process of self differentiation, totally exhausted.
I hear you. I really, really do. I was/am there with you. Keep going, it gets lighter (and you get stronger) when you least expect it! Big hug!
Enmeshment is culturally normalized in the way that corporal punishment on kids used to be culturally normalized (and still is normalized in many parts of the world). People like you are helping to change the world. Enmeshment trauma NEEDS to be revealed in mainstream discussions of trauma. There is an epidemic of people who hate themselves and have no idea why because "they had a loving family, after all" and so they just get antidepressants to numb the pain of what they see as nothing other than a "chemical imbalance."
I agree with all you said. I saw the same!
You don't have to forgive or respect. Those are earned.
Im from an enmeshed family. My understanding is i never had support, but once i made it. I owe them everything.
This is quite common. Forgive them for not having the level of consciousness to know or do otherwise. And keep working to be the most differentiated version of you. Remember that true love is free, you do not owe anyone anything outside of basic human rights, like respect.
@@deborahlara ❤️
I'm married to a man deeply enmeshed with adult daughters. They use that grandkids as pawns and manipulate my husband. My husband is also manipulative. They're abusive. So dysfunctional and heartbreaking.
Unfortunately, these patterns get passed down from generation to generation until someone is willing to look at them and do something different. It is incredibly hard to shift it as intergenerational systems have huge emotional and behavioral momentum behind them. However, if one person is willing to change even one pattern they notice, it can make a huge difference down the line! It only takes one person to shift the whole system.
If you have a close relationship with any of the grandkids and you behave differently from their parents and your husband, they will have a role model for potential difference in behavior. This could have a huge difference down the line for them. I had an aunt that was much more differentiated than my enmeshed mother and this aunt - without even meaning to - set a huge example for me to be more differentiated than my mother.
Never underestimate your power in setting an example for those around you just by being a more regulated nervous system with more emotionally mature patterns of behavior!
As Bowen said: “You can’t control a whole damn family, but you can control you, and anytime you can control you, the family is a healthier organism. That is a reason to become a self. The more you can become a self, the more to your advantage, and the family’s.”
And this does not matter if you are blood-related or not, as long as you are present in the family in some way, your nervous system becomes a part of the collective system and has influence, even if small.
I’m preparing to get and stay self differentiated Thanksgiving day.
Same here.
So well spoken
Thank you, humbly. 😌🙏
Allow? It's not the families purpose to 'allow' you to do anything once you become adults. It is the responsibility of healthy parents to help their children become fully independent of one another in both times of prosperity and crisis. At least, if it's a loving one & you're goal is to see all succeed. You're not obligated to do anything for anyone unless you work for them which can happen in many cases if you are so emeshed that you are running a family business together for instance. Obviously, you're not going to need help if you're the member/s of the family that are living in prosperity. It is when you see other's in crisis or need that you should feel the desire and freedom to help if you so choose but this is by no means an obligation, nor should it be.
Very well spoken.
Really great video!!
Glad you liked it! Thanks for watching!
I'm so glad I've found your channel. It perfectly describes my relationship with my parents. Sadly, I'm no longer a friend of their souls. I want them to suffer for this enmeshment they put me through.
@andyserkiz3384 what a sad post indeed. Are your parents not victims of their own upbringing too?
great video! any tips for navigating a horribly enmeshed mil and family system? hubby’s mom comes from a very co-dependent and enmeshed family system. hubby has broken away from that to a degree but she still tries to use those tactics of guilt, shame, manipulation to get us/him to do things she wants. she character assassinates me to him if i say or do things like be honest or tell her off for crossing a boundary. we’d like our kids to have some kind of relationship with their grandmother but not at the expense of the greater good and emotional well-being of the family and my mental health. i feel hubby could be more direct with her but it’s not his style. he lays boundaries in his own way but i’d prefer them to be more direct. it’s an ongoing issue and seems to be more obvious now we have young kids.
What does a ‘loyalty’ shift look like? How does one shift. What about healthy families is there still a need for a shift?
This is an excellent question and worth a video on its own, which I’ll add to the list. However, in short, in healthy families that loyalty shift is celebrated.
A simple and common example: If your parents invite you to spend the holidays with them, and you respond with, “This year I’m going to spend them with my fiancé’s family out-of-state.”
In a differentiated family system the response from your parents would be a very balanced, “Oh how wonderful! Hope you have fun! We will miss you guys, but know you’ll be here in spirit.” They celebrate you having a new life and other connections and experiences, even if it “takes you away” from them at times.
In an enmeshed family system, there’s often some type of emotional reaction and push back. This can manifest in many ways - passive aggressive remarks, silent treatment, criticism, guilt trips, drama, getting other family members involved, cold shoulder, talking and complaining behind your back, subtle manipulation or negotiation to get you to change your mind, and so on. But the basic premise is there’s no respect for your autonomous choice and loyalty to your future marriage first.
I will go more into your questions in another video!
Thank you ❤
You're welcome! Thanks for watching. 😊
My problem with them is that i always felt like an outsider to them, invalidating me all the time
You do not have to have loyalty to your family. You don't have to have loyalty to friends or anyone. You don't owe anything to anyone and they also don't owe you anything. You are your own person and you don't need anyone at all. Good Luck!
@sonicleaves I am interested in understanding what loyalty means to you. I am not sure I understand what you mean by "You do not have to have loyalty to your family." Isnt family our soft place to go to when the world out there is harsh?
If an adult child cannot separate but the parent wants little or no connection, what does that say about the child?
It says more about the parent
That sounds like it veers into the territory of childhood emotional neglect rather than/in addition to enmeshment. It might be good to explore childhood patterns of your parents possibly having "used you as needed" but discarding you during times in which you weren't useful.
Can we talk about the adult children’s kids in an enmeshed family shaming the dad for dating. Can we talk about the enmeshed man allowing a parent and their adult children to make him feel guilty for raising “step”grandchildren.
We never got married because of the entangled family unit. I backed off after he agreed to help me raise preteen grandchildren we moved in together after several years of dating, the kids came and his mindset shifted either because of his families jealous attitudes are because he lied to me about wanting to help me raise them. Unfortunately it feel apart after so much pressure from his family. 10 years together down the tube but I learned a sh** ton from them. So moving on.
Enmeshed family systems cause a huge problem for the intimate relationships of adult individuals. They are overly involved, projecting all of their fears, insecurities, needs, and anxieties.
If the adult is not well-differentiated, they will not know how to manage and prioritize intimacy with their chosen adult intimate partners. Their decisions will always be swayed by the family of origin’s opinion and the fear they feel of the family of origin reacting to them or “losing their love” which is the root fear.
I will go more into this over time, as the effects of enmeshment and differentiation on intimate relationships will be a big focus on this channel.
@@deborahlara thank you this is such a big issue… he def worried more about what they thought and how he should act within his family. This man is 64 right now and I’m 55 it was one hell of a road to walk down. I still cry sometimes.. nI stupidly kept going back because he told me he had hope and it nearly broke me when I caught him manipulating. I blocked him its been well over 30 days. Im still recovering from the toxic level it got to. I should have known when you see two grown senior men still being toted around by their mother in the backseat of her car… that should have been a big red flag. The weirdest part for me is seeing him defend the bad behaviors for instance of his brother as of it were his son. Or his mothers really bad behaviors as if it were his wife. He never protected me like that but the moment He saw his mother do something to me he downplayed it. It was so grossly out of proportion and undeniably the most backstabbing “love “ i have ever seen or heard of.
Idk, seems kinda Eurocentric and Randian
A very common criticism when not considering the human developmental and evolutionary perspective. And when not refuting the core issue being presented.