My husband worked for his parents, went to their Church, and we were neighbors for the first 8 years of marriage. This last year we finally quit their job, found our new Church and moved. And we’ve never been happier. These videos have helped me SO MUCH. ❤
I'm remembering once my father saying to me that a son could moved on unless if their parent were sick, it tuns out that I have a friend which her mom have been sick since she was a teenager, but even so, she got married, bought her own house, and her mother had never said to her that she couldn't live, but it doesn't mean that she never carried about her mother health, but she wanted to have her own family as well. In my opinion my parents wants us to be with them without having our own life because they are afraid of being alone, their marriage is not okay before I was born, but they would never get the divorce, maybe because of that fear of loneliness.
I'm not a clinician, but from what I'm putting together in my mind, from my experience of the borderline narcissist that was in my life, this has to be the root of his suffering. His father was emotionally unavailable and his mother was in pain, so he was absorbing that and accepting that as normal. Therefore resenting his parents and suppressing his wants and needs. Mind blown. Enmeshment really needs to be talked about more with personality disorders.
This episode being re-released three months after the original audio podcast and I was already ready to hear it again. Thank you for spreading awareness and knowledge to make the world a better place.
Informative and compassionate podcast, thank you. A great introduction to the work of Dr Ken Adams and I will check out his website and U Tube channel.
My mother called me her friend I’m like no why would I want an emotional draining friend? Seems like only thing she talks to me about is her and dads problems first words out of her mouth when she sees me your dad this your dad that I’m like if you’ll tell me how bad sorry dad is on your deaths bed for the last time. She just wants somebody too let listen to her emote about her marriage problems. She even told me the last time her and dad had sex. I’m like dang. I thought that parents kept those things to themselves it is a wonder she does not post on social media for sympathy.
It’s time to set a boundary with your mother and that you would prefer that she does not share anything about her marriage or sex life with your father anymore. Your mother needs to know how you feel and if it’s uncomfortable to hear these things (and I agree that it’s WAY too much sharing from your mother), then you need to set a boundary with your mom. It’s our job to take care of ourselves in that way. It’s a very empowering act that we take for ourselves and very healthy! 🤗
@@Michellechalfant Thank you i will. And that’ll make a man second guess getting married when th kids. Because I wouldn’t want my wife sharing that info with our kids. It’s a wonder my mother didn’t share that info with me as a kid and teens 20’s. Late 30’s is when she started share way too much info with me.
Love this video. It’s changing my life. I have a question that I’m hoping you can help answer. I am getting married soon and am really feeling guilty about not wanting to invite my mother to my wedding / elopement. She’s recently guilted tripped me (at least it felt on my end because it’s not the first time) after I texted her some song she used to like when I was a kid. It was basically a breakup song and she said it made her cry and then said “it’s so hard to watch your kids grow up.” Which just made me nauseous because it was a breakup song? Anyways, It makes me feel guilty because it’s like she’s implying I don’t visit her because I’m now an engaged / coupled woman but honestly I don’t visit her because she controls my sisters (I feel scared and annoyed she’s like that). Anyway, my question is about whether it’s normal for me to feel like I don’t really want her there (nor my dad who wasn’t really in my life. Didn’t attend my college graduation etc). I feel guilty that I don’t want them there and I honestly don’t want my inlaws there either because my MIL has said things like “were we (her family) the first ones to know about X,Y,Z” and has gotten excited to be the first one which made me feel like she just wanted to be #1. In other words, I’m not really comfortable with letting his parents there on our big day because I don’t want it to be about how they’re special and my parents arent? I just want it to be about my fiancé and me committing to each other. Is this all normal or am I being selfish ?
It's normal. Your wedding so you decide who you want there. Don't let anybody guilt you into your decisions as it just causes resentment further down the track. "Leave and cleave" when you get married which means leaving your family of origin behind and starting on your new life with your new family. It's not that you don't love or care for your family of origin, it's just that you are now a grown adult who can make your own decisions without interference. Good luck!
19:50 good to hear these perspectives of parents regarding separation and individuation. I believe in former times or other cultures the community cares for children, not only the biological parents. Could that isolation be a factor that facilitates enmeshed parent-child relationships?
Whatever the kid's temperament, children are dependent on their parents for survival so they don't feel they have a choice. Even if a child would say, I don't (want to) care and the parent metes out (heavy) physical and/or psychological punishment, that's a dire situation for the child. For example the golden child helper and rescuer role gets passed from eldest child to youngest child, or alternates between them, even extended family members in the system get that role if they are deemed available.
My grandmother calls my mother much in a day but this is really because she cant have her medicines and other things without her and i would not want her to die earlier from loneliness but she knows her place, she does She leaves her sons alone but one son she really needs for certain things because she cant do them on her own Balance is key
My husband worked for his parents, went to their Church, and we were neighbors for the first 8 years of marriage. This last year we finally quit their job, found our new Church and moved. And we’ve never been happier. These videos have helped me SO MUCH. ❤
Omg fantastic. I can't tell you how relieved I feel knowing I am not alone here. This is exactly what I felt as a partner of an enmeshed man.
I'm remembering once my father saying to me that a son could moved on unless if their parent were sick, it tuns out that I have a friend which her mom have been sick since she was a teenager, but even so, she got married, bought her own house, and her mother had never said to her that she couldn't live, but it doesn't mean that she never carried about her mother health, but she wanted to have her own family as well. In my opinion my parents wants us to be with them without having our own life because they are afraid of being alone, their marriage is not okay before I was born, but they would never get the divorce, maybe because of that fear of loneliness.
I'm not a clinician, but from what I'm putting together in my mind, from my experience of the borderline narcissist that was in my life, this has to be the root of his suffering. His father was emotionally unavailable and his mother was in pain, so he was absorbing that and accepting that as normal. Therefore resenting his parents and suppressing his wants and needs. Mind blown. Enmeshment really needs to be talked about more with personality disorders.
Thank you Jules. I’m glad the video resonated with you. ❤️
Great interview, thank you. Also huge thanks to Dr. Adams, for your insights and great work. it's very enlightening.
So much self-forgiveness and understanding flooding in because of this video! Another awesome bombshell Michelle👏🏼
This episode being re-released three months after the original audio podcast and I was already ready to hear it again. Thank you for spreading awareness and knowledge to make the world a better place.
Thanks for listening
I wish there had been more on what the spouse of the enmeshed man should do
Dr Adams has some books on this. Married to Mom is excellent.
Thank you so much for this invaluable and life changing information
This is such a great talk. Thank you so much.
Informative and compassionate podcast, thank you. A great introduction to the work of Dr Ken Adams and I will check out his website and U Tube channel.
Great content!
Great information.Thanks for explaining this so well
13:25 that 's a great huge coffee or tea cup, I love it :D
My mother called me her friend I’m like no why would I want an emotional draining friend? Seems like only thing she talks to me about is her and dads problems first words out of her mouth when she sees me your dad this your dad that I’m like if you’ll tell me how bad sorry dad is on your deaths bed for the last time. She just wants somebody too let listen to her emote about her marriage problems. She even told me the last time her and dad had sex. I’m like dang. I thought that parents kept those things to themselves it is a wonder she does not post on social media for sympathy.
It’s time to set a boundary with your mother and that you would prefer that she does not share anything about her marriage or sex life with your father anymore. Your mother needs to know how you feel and if it’s uncomfortable to hear these things (and I agree that it’s WAY too much sharing from your mother), then you need to set a boundary with your mom. It’s our job to take care of ourselves in that way. It’s a very empowering act that we take for ourselves and very healthy! 🤗
@@Michellechalfant Thank you i will. And that’ll make a man second guess getting married when th kids. Because I wouldn’t want my wife sharing that info with our kids. It’s a wonder my mother didn’t share that info with me as a kid and teens 20’s. Late 30’s is when she started share way too much info with me.
Love this video. It’s changing my life. I have a question that I’m hoping you can help answer. I am getting married soon and am really feeling guilty about not wanting to invite my mother to my wedding / elopement. She’s recently guilted tripped me (at least it felt on my end because it’s not the first time) after I texted her some song she used to like when I was a kid. It was basically a breakup song and she said it made her cry and then said “it’s so hard to watch your kids grow up.” Which just made me nauseous because it was a breakup song? Anyways, It makes me feel guilty because it’s like she’s implying I don’t visit her because I’m now an engaged / coupled woman but honestly I don’t visit her because she controls my sisters (I feel scared and annoyed she’s like that).
Anyway, my question is about whether it’s normal for me to feel like I don’t really want her there (nor my dad who wasn’t really in my life. Didn’t attend my college graduation etc). I feel guilty that I don’t want them there and I honestly don’t want my inlaws there either because my MIL has said things like “were we (her family) the first ones to know about X,Y,Z” and has gotten excited to be the first one which made me feel like she just wanted to be #1. In other words, I’m not really comfortable with letting his parents there on our big day because I don’t want it to be about how they’re special and my parents arent? I just want it to be about my fiancé and me committing to each other. Is this all normal or am I being selfish ?
It's normal. Your wedding so you decide who you want there. Don't let anybody guilt you into your decisions as it just causes resentment further down the track. "Leave and cleave" when you get married which means leaving your family of origin behind and starting on your new life with your new family. It's not that you don't love or care for your family of origin, it's just that you are now a grown adult who can make your own decisions without interference. Good luck!
Important reminder: it's also daughters, not only sons, in such unhealthy, enmeshed relationship with their mothers!!
17:10 also immense fear, worry and guilt that the parent won't survive such separation
19:50 good to hear these perspectives of parents regarding separation and individuation. I believe in former times or other cultures the community cares for children, not only the biological parents. Could that isolation be a factor that facilitates enmeshed parent-child relationships?
You will see this a lot in morocco many marriages end because of the selfish mother and adult baby son
Thank you for sharing this - very interesting! 🤗
Whatever the kid's temperament, children are dependent on their parents for survival so they don't feel they have a choice. Even if a child would say, I don't (want to) care and the parent metes out (heavy) physical and/or psychological punishment, that's a dire situation for the child. For example the golden child helper and rescuer role gets passed from eldest child to youngest child, or alternates between them, even extended family members in the system get that role if they are deemed available.
heavy stuff.🙏
My grandmother calls my mother much in a day but this is really because she cant have her medicines and other things without her and i would not want her to die earlier from loneliness but she knows her place, she does
She leaves her sons alone but one son she really needs for certain things because she cant do them on her own
Balance is key
Balance is key, indeed! 🤗
Italian American northeast catholic houeehold here
Please call children children not kids. Thank you.