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Love your hair and the new set up ❤

This explains so much! I was in a long-term relationship with a family enmeshed man, and he was parentified and acted like a father figure to his younger sister. I constantly felt like I was the third wheel between him and his sister. It was a very confusing time for me, and I constantly felt uneasy but couldn’t understand why. I felt gaslighted and it wore away at my self trust and mental health. It all makes sense now after watching your videos.

This is super interesting and insightful. Does this video apply to sister-enmeshed men? I feel like everything you are describing explains perfectly encapsulates my experience in a relationship with a man whom I suspect was enmeshed with his younger sister. II'm hoping you will make a video about sibling enmeshment one day! Thanks so much for your wisdom.

Great to see another video from you, I always look forward to them, you speak with the clarity and insight of someone who has been through this stuff yourself 🙏🏼🫡 Did you mean to upload this version of the video? It cuts off mid-sentence at the end with no concluding words 😯 Interesting topic, and what you say makes total sense. As a traumatised MEM myself, my question is, how to get into any relationship in the first place, let alone with a woman who is able and willing to meet me halfway consciously. I think a MEM needs to do at least some of this conscious inner work while he's single if he is to have any chance at attracting an open-minded, kind woman. I'm not saying MEM need to find a partner who will drag him out of the old womb, no way. He needs to take responsibility along with his partner 50/50. But like for most people, doing some inner work beforehand can do a lot of good on the road to individuation and successful interpersonal relationships. My dating history reads like multiple horror stories, all of them crashed and burned due to unconscious patterns derailing everything. Most of my partners were either narcissists or ultra-needy people, both characteristics representing my late mother perfectly 🫣 I'm now realising the Mt Everest I need to climb, it's the pits 😑 but your videos are helping, thanks! 🤝🏻✨️

Yay you posted a video! I love your videos ❤

This is great insight, thank you! You're one of only a handful of people on RUclips to talk at length and clearly about this important topic. Being enmeshed with your mother is genuinely life-ruining for many people, I know from personal experience. I'm working my way through your fantastic videos, especially on self-differentiation, this is crucial and so helpful. Thank you! I hope you can do more videos on this whole subject, it's still grossly under-reported and misunderstood. We need to outlaw all enmeshment, cos it would solve so many of the world's problems.

How do I free myself from this ? Coming to terms that this is how my family operates and it is why I constantly feel guilty and trapped.

Thank you Deborah for articulating this important subject so clearly. It's not talked about often enough. Imagine if mother-son enmeshment didn't exist, how many more people would be able to have happy, fulfilling relationships of all kinds. Violence against women would also be greatly reduced, perhaps. My covert narcissistic mother enmeshed me and did so much horrific damage, prevented me from forming a sense of self. I'm currently reading 'When He's Married to Mom' (2007) by Ken Adams, it's essential reading for any enmeshed men. He also wrote 'Silently Seduced' in 1991, on a similar topic. There are lots of books on Emotionally Immature parents (highly recommend Lindsay C. Gibson on this topic) and enmeshed family systems, but virtually nothing on mother-son enmeshment apart from Dr Adam's work. Your videos deserve a much larger audience, it's a topic that's still very misunderstood.

You explain all this with such clarity. I hope there are parents, who hold their children in enmeshment, understand what you are saying. Conditional love is not love.

Thank you so much. I needed this so much! ❤

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LOL you can't do that! you have to tell us what it was that your husband did differently OMG pleeeeeeasaase!!!

Thank you for your videos! What if man is in his early forties and lives with his mother who is what I believe in her mid seventies? They also have a dog together. To me it feels like he is married to his mother and their dog is their child. He prioritizes having a walk with his dog to seeing me after work and I feel like the last item not only in his day but also sometimes in his week to “check off”. I love his dog and even joined him for many walks in the first month but then this stopped (is that maybe a way of distancing himself so that he and their dog do not get too attached?). He was homeschooled for most of his childhood, which could explain why he is so enmeshed with his mother. His father died around ten years ago. Does living in this age with his mother mean he just cares for her because she is obviously getting fragile or that he is enmeshed? Or is this a mix of the two? Because I know men in their forties who deeply care about their mothers and help them but who do not live with them! We are in the courtship phase, seeing each other for 2.5 months now. But I do not see any development, this week we saw each other only once - I visited him on the shooting set of a commercial he is directing. He told me he does not want to have sex before he feels he is ready for the next stage of a budding relationship, which sounds great in theory. But when after two months of the courtship phase we had (great) sex, what ended up happening is that we started seeing each other less! He calls me every day to say hi, which is better than nothing but I feel like he is incapable of truly letting me into his life and taking the next step. And when he promises to call me, he usually in 90 percent of the cases does not call, which relativizes his every day spontaneous calls. Also he might open a message from me with a question or an emotion and not reply to it. Planning to meet up with him at a certain time is almost impossible with him, it worked only I believe in 30 percent of the cases. Also things he said he wanted to do with me in our free time he ended up not planning😮 and not doing. There was a funny instance on a social event I invited him to where he offered to look for a place for my handbag. How funny was it to see him a few minutes later eating the food at the buffet instead of actually doing what he said he would do 😅 The only nice gentlemanly gestures from his are driving me home (on his mother’s car😂), taking over the bill in the restaurant on the rare occasions we do go out. He is also attractive and emphatic, otherwise I would have already stopped seeing him. I am also in the film industry, working as a quite successful film executive and have tried to support him in different ways be it by introducing him to people or helping him with invites etc. But this is not valued. As mentioned before, he is a director, his mother is a theatre director so she is also involved in his scripts and work… I haven’t met his mother yet. After seeing him for a month, he told me, he suggested to his mother to have a walk with their dog and me and she declined. After one little argument we had about me canceling a few weeks into the courtship phase a date because it ended up being at 9pm and not at 7pm (the initial time we had set), he told me that his mom asked him if he is sure he wants to see me if it already starts “this way”. As if I was to blame for the date to start way too late and being upset about it. Also why is the mother so involved in his dating life?? I would be super curious to read your interpretation of his behavior… Also do you have a recommendation for me what to do next, should I try to see him for more weeks and month to come to look if he changes or is this a dead end? I want to have children within the next two years, I am 38 so I do not want to waste my time :) I feel like he is still in big parts a kid and unlikely to be a stable, reliable partner and father.

Brown Margaret Walker Edward White Thomas

After 2 years of misunderstanding with my younger sister ( 25 ) where she stopped calling on birthdays, asking any question about me, but still calling me and needing me when something bad was happening in her life.. I told her about it. I’m very independent and did tons of therapy and individuation. I’m loyal but I don’t want anyone in my life giving me their opinion about my choices, behaviors, I don’t want projections, disrespect, etc.. I had all of this and I don’t want. My sister told me she wants me to be more in touch on daily basis and tell her about my problems (???) on daily basis, so she can be there for me, she told me she never saw me truly happy and that makes her sad ( ?? ) - projection , she told me she loves me so much and she wants us to be just happy ( I am happy…) - more projection… I first felt guilty as I was abandoning her. Then I was like: I am not like this, I don’t want a daily basis immersive experience of sisterhood. I don’t want anyone telling me: I don’t see you happy… ( instead of asking and stop projecting ). I don’t want anyone clinging to me in daily baisis to feel we love each other.. we are adults. Nor confuse love and respect, mostly respect with being cold. Respect and education for them is being cold. Immersed in you and opinionated on you with no boundaries … that’s love. (????)

Grateful that my parents didn’t enmesh with us TOO strongly… but my sibling, since growing up, has created an enmeshment dynamic with me that I’ve been so oblivious to until I unwittingly crossed a line by setting out my personal boundary. Now I’m seeing things for what they’ve really been more clearly and it’s very troubling… I thought we had these things in common - not that I had to have all the same beliefs as them or be deemed Other, vilified, belittled, spoken down to, dismissed, and blamed. Now we’re onto some hoovering, and I just want to run.

Fantastic videos which provide lots of valuable information..

This "the more independent children are, the better" is such an outdated model and so unsupported by research. There is very important cutting edge data from research in Self Determination Theory showing that the more "autonomously dependent" children are on their families the better they perform at college and the higher they score for markers of psychological health. Not all closeness is "enmeshment". Healthy interdependence creates the healthiest individuals and the healthiest relationships and is seen in indigenous peoples still living in the sort of tribal structures in which humans evolved for tens of thousands of years. For a deeper understanding of the health of human social systems, I highly recommend Ed Deci's book Why We Do What We Do.

Although I of course may be able to connect directly with the points that you have provided in this video...I, alone realize that although I may actually be somewhat distant from my direct family members, by all means if any given time was directed to me to step up and serve my purpose of divine protection and services as well as support and strength...I would be there at a moments notice...no exceptions whatsoever.

I am the daughter of an emotionally immature mother, when i challenged her on my childhood she said 'you never went without out' in terms of Christmas presents, school trips, and dance classes. I said 'Mum, where was the love?' She didn't know what to say, I didnt occur to her that we didn't just need material things. When I was a teenager I gave up my dance classes as I had this thought that my mother only loved me to show me off to her friends for my ahcievements in dance. Sure enough, I stopped the dance classes, she stopped talking to me.

Yes.

When I got better a few family members got much worse. My family system was so toxic I have left it to work on my recovery

My life's so messed up right now. But your videos might just be the thing that keeps me from going insane.

I’m the Aussie threat

hi Deborah, how are u? do not give up keep showing up with this wonderful empowering social work, it is a gift sharing natural talents with love & dedication! enjoy Life & your Journey

Thanks. Other case is when they accept your partner too much. They dont think about them at all and want to be their "friend" as soon as possible.

❤‍🔥🕊🎶 we all come through a Mother's womb & Mother influences our subconscious mind hugely in childhood as we are completely dependent on emotional regulation from her. That's why ancient Astrology is based on Moon sign which represents womb & Mother. There are also karmic (past lives hidden) reasons on being born in emotionally dysfunctional Mother or family. Toughest journeys can create most compassionate Hearts when healed, processed & forgiven 🕊 i am starting a "road to self" (self-differentiation based program) tomorrow to continue my healing journey, thank you for your work!

If you point out the Bible verse regarding leave and cleave, they'll say you're twisting it to fit your narrative. I thought I could point this out since we all say we're Christian and go to the same church.

wonderful sharing & work! I am adding this to my existing long-term mindfulness tools I have been using, I am curious how these new ones can + impact on my journey! Thx for your work & book recommendations!

Oh my god! I had no idea you are Brazilian! You don't have a br accent. I am Brazilian too and have been benefiting a lot from your videos 💚💛

All the roots of many emotional disorders not specifically pointed out to the single traumatized event but to the ongoing dysfunctional relationship patterns between parents and child.

Thank you ❤

You described this perfectly, im the partner of a man in an enmeshed family..i caught onto it quick because im from an enmeshed/toxic family but i was always very independent (emotionally) so i came out of the fog as soon as i turned 18(my parents decided that my graduation day was the perfect time to tell me they were getting divorced-that should give you a taste of the dysfunction).

Amazing! I can really relate with this and I have noticed it is very hard for me when I am the one receiving help. I need to fight against the feeling of being a burden any time I am not able to "handle everything by myself", as if I don't deserve being taken care of or I should be able to take care of myself. It's almost like a feeling of failure. Could you talk about how to overcome this?

This is so, so incredibly helpful. My partner's family is highly enmeshed and my relationship with his family eventually began to implode. Thankfully, my partner eventually started to get enough distance and perspective from his family such that he was able to begin recognizing the unhealthy patterns that exist within his family system. Unfortunately for me, the grieving and self-actualization process has been very slow and challenging for my partner. I've been effectively no-contact with his family for a year because his father treats me with utter disrespect (likely because I am seen as a threat) and ended up blowing up at me in a very inappropriate, controlling, and condescending manner. For context, my partner ended up following me in a relocation across the country. A year after we moved, his family decided to visit us in our new home state for the first time. Because of how deeply my partner missed his family, and because I know his dad is incredibly difficult (everyone feels the need to walk on eggshells around him), I spent months trying to plan restaurants his family would feel comfortable at (they're vegan and his dad can become pretty explosive towards wait staff if part of his order gets messed up), activities they would feel safe doing (his dad seems highly anxious and has a low tolerance for busy environments), etc. On the last day of their trip, we were hanging out on a garden patio I had reserved (one I spent my own money on to reserve) at a local bar. Now, this bar allows outside food, just not drinks. I had skipped breakfast that morning to drive across town to, at my partner's mom's request, pick up some vegan cupcakes to celebrate my partner's dad's birthday. Because I hadn't had a chance to eat, I picked up some chips and dip (both vegan so I could share and accommodate my partner's family's vegan lifestyle) as a snack to hold me over until a late lunch. As we entered the bar, the bar staff even checked my bags in which my snacks were prominently displayed and cleared us to enter. Even so, once I set the snacks out for everyone to enjoy, my partner's dad immediately blew up to me, ranting about how his mother used to bring her own food to restaurants and how much that experience embarrassed and traumatized him. Finally, in a near-yell, he ordered me to "...put the food in the car where I can't see it or I'll go put it away for you!" At the time, my partner, his sister, and his mom were still so deep in the enmeshed system that they didn't even seem to recognize the inappropriate behavior, thus nobody came to my defense. Because of the enmeshed system and my partner's father's explosive tendencies, I did not feel safe setting a firm, explicit boundary in that moment, especially after seeing everyone else brush the explosive outburst off as if it never happened. Instead, I stormed off, confirmed with the bartender that my snacks were okay, then eventually made my way back to the table and made what probably was a bit of a defiant show as I dug into the snacks while telling everyone that the bartender said it was not an issue. At that point, my partner's father appeared to be tense and seething but didn't say anything further to me. A couple of weeks later, my partner's sister also disclosed that their father typically only has negative things to say about me behind my partner's and my backs. I have barely spoken to my partner's family since the outburst (which was only one of many and the one the broke the camel's back). This last December, his mom asked if she and his dad had done something to upset me and, when my partner said yes and that he'd like to talk about his concerns with them, his mom brushed him off by saying "Never mind, maybe it's best if I don't know." Now that we're one year past this incident, I am anxious for my partner to finally broach the issue; however, he seems to be waiting for something relevant to come up in conversation which I simply don't think will happen since his parents just seem to be acting as if nothing is wrong. My partner has an idea of what he wants to say and he has a lot he wants to discuss regarding his own boundaries that are unrelated to me. Unfortunately, he keeps getting stuck and continues to kick the can down the road because of his massive anxiety around the issue. If you have any tips on how I can support my partner as he continues to grow away from the enmeshed system he was raised in, especially when it comes to taking his recent self-actualization and translating it into boundary-setting discussions with his parents, I'd be very interested to hear your insights. Alternatively, I'd be interested to hear whether you think my temporary no-contact boundary (which I have explicitly communicated to my partner but not to his parents) is a healthy way to handle the situation while my partner still isn't ready to discuss matters with his parents himself. In my circumstance, I've found that I can't even do short, cordial video calls with his family because I do not feel emotionally safe communicating around his father in any capacity.

Thank you, Deborah. I needed a little bump today!

Thank you. Yes a lifetime process. I will keep working. Your videos are great. You are probably not licensed in my state otherwise you would have a new client. 😊

Thank you for sharing your knowledge and experience with me.

Glad to see your are putting out videos. Thank you

The way you present is quite good

There are definitely consequences of self-differentiation early on in this transactional relationship. The better I did in college the quicker the financial resources started to dry up. Eventually I dropped out because I didn't even have gas money to get to school and ended up selling everything of value I had at pawn shops. Once my spirit was crushed and the panic attacks started happening, financial support returned. I've felt like James Caan in the scene from Misery where he gets hobbled by Cathy Bates most of my life.

Thank you for this video. It hits so close to home. I am the outsider. I have been for decades. It is consistent pattern for all of the children. I wish I could have learned about this much sooner. Even after all of our failures, she is still not aware of this. It has ruined our relationship.

Great video. Love this perspective that we’re all connected. It far too common for everybody to think of us as individuals when we’re all just part of a bigger system.

You look incredibly like therapist/Dr Vienna Pharaon. You should look her up. Thank you for this!

My problem with them is that i always felt like an outsider to them, invalidating me all the time

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Shh. Makes sense of why I really don't want to ever be responsible for somebody else.

Yeah it very weird, like my mother consciously can say sometimes go away live on your own, but subconsciously does not want to let me go. And this is the almost constant thing...like she keeps me in emotional, psychological prison. It is a wounded mother archetype, a dark , dead mother in a sense. She once or more times admited that she cant change, she is over, like her battery is finished, like she is dead in a way. The Moon is about the emotional, the mother...so mother and emotions go together....For me a mother is someone who is really in tune with her emotions. ...And imagine why she had me, because she didnt had the money for abortion. Probably who I am doing this now, saying...because deep down I havent forgiven...I have forgiven in a conscious way, nice way because I want to Look on the bright side, but the more I grow up the more I see the subconscious - the shadow. So I left where she didnt had money for abortion...its funny cause they diddnt had money, it was too much cause I had already 2 sisters and I was too much. Forgiveness kinda comes with understanding, and this is hard to understand. But in a way I do, in simple terms people are living in darkness with no light. With no light.

I wonder if this has a connection to the Pluto Moon conjunction, or a Pluto Sun conjunction or a hard aspects between them. Are you maybe into astrology? I was just reading an article about Pluto Moon conjunction that I have. There it says about the emotional neglect etc...wonder if you have it. Loveee😊❤