My Wife Wants a Divorce (I Was Totally Blindsided)
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 7 сен 2024
- My Wife Wants a Divorce (I Was Totally Blindsided)
Send John your questions. Leave a voicemail at 844-693-3291 or email www.johndelony.... We want to talk to YOU!
Learn how to change your thoughts, change your behaviors, and change your life. Subscribe to the Dr. John Delony’s show!
www.youtube.co...
As heard on this episode:
- BetterHelp - bit.ly/3seoBCe
- DreamCloud - dreamcloudslee...
- Hallow - www.hallow.com...
- Thorne (25%Off Orders) - www.thorne.com...
Get John’s Questions for Humans Conversation Cards:
bit.ly/3wkym67
Twitter (@johndelony)
Instagram (@johndelony)
Facebook ( JohnDelony/).
“This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/Delony and get on your way to being your best self.”
The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven show that offers real people a chance to be heard as they struggle with relationship issues and mental health challenges. John will give you practical advice on how to connect with people, how to take the next right step when you feel paralyzed, and how to cut through the depression and anxiety that can feel so overwhelming. You are not alone in this battle. You are worth being well-and it starts by focusing on what you can control. Let us know what’s going on by leaving a voicemail at 844.693.3291 or visiting johndelony.com/show. We want to talk to YOU!
These platforms contain content, including information provided by guests, that is intended for informational and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to replace or substitute for any professional medical, counseling, therapeutic, financial, legal, or other advice. The Lampo Group, LLC d/b/a Ramsey Solutions as well as its affiliates and subsidiaries (including their respective employees, agents and representatives) make no representations or warranties concerning the content and expressly disclaim any and all liability concerning the content including any treatment or action taken by any person following the information offered or provided within or through this show.
If you have specific concerns or a situation in which you require professional advice, you should consult with an appropriately trained and qualified professional expert and specialist. If you are having a health or mental health emergency, please call 9-1-1 immediately.
Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy
www.ramseysolu...
No spouse wakes up on a given morning and says “I want a divorce.”, it has been brewing for a long time.
Exactly
Still doesn't make it a logical decision
That obviously can't be true. Some clearly do with just how many women file...among other reasons..
I BET she WANTED to TALK about ISSUES/PROBLEMS & CONCERNS she had about their Marriage for YEARS & he DISREGARD her COMPLAINTS & take it as "NAGGING"! He DISREGARDED something that was or that COULD HAVE BEEN SOLVED years ago! Now he has Pikachu Face🥵🥵🥵
@@janemathaba7706 Maybe women should learn to communicate better instead of nagging? Ever thought of that? Also, don't expect men to read your mind. Or pick up your "hints". Use your words like a big girl.
My husband was shocked (according to my youngest daughter) when I decided to leave, despite the fact that he gave me the silent treatment for 18 months prior to my decision. During his silence I tried communicating 4 times. When he did respond, he said nothing was wrong. When the lawyer called him the first time, he raged and shouted at me, saying he should never have married me. He said I hadn't contributed to the marriage, a marriage of 28 years....
So I moved out after lockdown (early 2021), divorced a year later. No regrets🐦✨💖🐾
You have kids - you contributed more than he ever could.
@@BagznBirdz yeah because apparently, she produced through asexual means. No male needed for kids I guess lol.
i want to highly recommend *MR OBALAR* for curing me of genital HPV with his natural herbs.❤❤❤
18 months wow
4 communications in 18 months... what a sacrifice! So much effort! 🙄
About 50 years ago when I told the father of my children I wanted splitsville, and asked him a few months after, “Didn’t you see that something was wrong?” He said, “I knew you weren’t happy, but I didn’t think you’d LEAVE me.” In other words, it was OK for me to be unhappy, it just wasn’t OK for me to leave him.
Or in other words when you said through sickness or health, through good times or bad he thought you meant it but apparently you didn’t
@@berniegordon6338Are you saying you’d stay with your spouse if they wiped out your savings and cheated on you with your brother? All relationships have conditions.
@@whatliesbeneaththeweave3518 I agree but the comment was that she wasn’t happy. Vows aren’t I’ll stay married to you until I’m unhappy
You women these days seems selfish and not tolerated, life is hard, it's weird for me to see people like you because in my opinion tolerance is part of love and people lost it these days
@@arash9255 tolerance is what users and abusers expect. couples can work together to heal small issues, but this isn't 1950 and women don't need to tolerate what men often dish out. and men are free to leave when women act like garbage.
I have 3 friends who found themselves "blindsided" as well. Problem is WE ALL SAW THESE DIVORCES COMING A MILE AWAY. This guy is in denial.
Men love to ignore and gaslight their wife’s misery. 🤷♀️
I remember a man calling into a radio show years ago. His wife was barely speaking to him - for something like six weeks. Radio host asked what happened six weeks ago, he didn't know, she asked him to think hard. Well....there was the fact that she found out he forged her signature on a second mortgage without telling her about it. That's it, the host said, she's furious about a debt she didn't have any say in. He was stunned, and said in complete disbelief, "You really think that's it?"
IMO - Men can be very strange about not understanding their spouses. It's almost like there is a light switch that turns off when their spouses want to discuss issues. I have heard the shocked, "I was blind sided" statement so many times. Why is this?
@@cheesecrackers3928 80% of divorces in the USA are initiated by women.
@@butterflygirl2285Saving face.
I know someone who's husband dangled the threat of divorce over her head for over months. He had hired a lawyer but then just sat on it and did nothing but continue to make her life a living hell. She finally said screw this. I'm out and had him served with papers when he least expected it. He was pissed because it was her taking control of the situation. In her case, it was the right thing to do.
Lol, love it! Good for her.
Good for her. She called his bluff.
i want to highly recommend *MR OBALAR* for curing me of genital HPV with his natural herbs.❤❤❤
It sounds like you’re talking about me. I did the same and he got so furious that the process server called me to tell me not to go home that night…..
10 years into my marriage, I started to tell my husband that I had been sexually molested as a child. Before I got past that point he looked at me and said ‘ you never let anything go’
That’s was it for me, I didn’t tell him anymore about it. I hadn’t told anyone before as the shame kept me silent. I felt I was tarnished.
The whole truth of it was I was molested in foster care (while my mum was dying from cancer) for years by 3 different people, one was female. I thought people would look at me differently or think it was my fault as it was 3 different people.
I finally told a counsellor and the weight and shame were lifted. I was six when it started and 13 when it finished.
When our child was growing I looked at him at those ages and it put, how young and innocent I was into perspective . If it had happened to him, I wouldn’t blame him at all, why should I blame myself. I was just a kid trapped in a 💩 situation at the mercy of the people trusted with my care.
💔💔💔 you should have been treated with love and kindness for what you survived 🙏🙏🙏 I was blessed to have a husband that helped me heal from sexual abuse starting as an infant 🙏🙏🙏 Prayers your way 🙏🙏🙏 there's many walking wounded in our midst 🙏🙏🙏
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I'm shocked by your husband's callousness. 😢
i want to highly recommend *MR OBALAR* for curing me of genital HPV with his natural herbs.❤❤❤
i want to highly recommend *MR OBALAR* for curing me of genital HPV with his natural herbs.❤❤❤
There is more going on with this woman than what we know and what he knows.
You should write Bible, with those crptic messages.
walk away wife syndrome means it was over years ago, and that fact gave her the ability to pretend, so things looked better on the surface, even though the marriage is terminal. Because, as a rule, women tolerate bad marriages far less than men do. period.
Of there is more going on. This is a 17 mins video, There more going on with him with That decades of porn addiction.
What's going on is she's bored and made a dumb decision to marry him.
@@alioliviyou must be a lot of fun..considering all the comments you've made about him being boring....im sure your cats enjoy you being so fun
If you are blindsided by divorce it means chances are she had complaints for years and you did nothing about it. Chances are You thought she would live with a “tolerable level of permanent unhappiness” in the marriage.
Facts. She stopped complaining
Lmao or she's just cheating...but yeah blame the man
It could be true, also she could be saying nothing and expect him to read her mind, then after years blowing it all in his face leaving him confused.
This is always the case. They do nothing to change til you leave
That doesn't sound like it applies here at all though
They're ALL "blindsided". 🙄That's almost never the case. They were just completely oblivious.
They all feign ignorance.
I mean I think this guy was kind of blindsided seeing as his wife lied to him from the beginning and was carrying that guilt
They don't pay attention
It's been said that women go through the grieving process during the relationship while they are trying and giving chances
Men tend to grieve after.
I wonder if it is true
This makes sense to me.....thanks for sharing
Interesting thought.
Yes, the worst part is women waste several years and up to decades trying to cling onto a relationship that can't be fixed
💯. I am in a minority of men and initiated my divorce but grieved during the end and post divorced.
they are trying to find another options lol
Im always sceptical about men saying they were blindsided by divorce.
Chances are they just ignored complaints for years, never wanted to discuss their feelings, never communicated, and took it for granted that the wife would fo everything for the family while they dismissed her repeated requests for help as "nagging".
You can only takw so much of that until it occurs to you that you're better off on your own if you have to do everything on your own anyway.
Males seem to enjoy ignoring their wives, and then acting surprised when they leave.
What about women ignoring complaints for years?
If a man discusses his feelings, he gets cheated on or his wife divorces him. Every guy has a story like that. At the very least, she weaponizes it against him later. It's always the man's fault. Women never use or deceive men. They're just good little angels.
@iamdragonettatoo This video is about a man, but women are all up in these comments making it about them.
As someone who's been married and divorced, it's my experience that once someone tells you they want a divorce, give it up. Let them go. Life is too short to beg someone to stay with you. By the time the word divorce comes out of their mouth, they've long thought about it. Even if the divorce doesn't take place until years later, they've usually mentioned it before. Just my experience.
There is a big gap between saying something and doing something so this seems like a very harsh rule and so black and white thing to do. My suggestion is start having hard conversations and dig into the issues and then decide the actions to take. Of course it is much easier to say than do.
@@Kienlamb I do agree with you. However it takes two parties to want to put in that effort and dig deep. You may wind up with someone who does not wish to dig as equally hard. 🥴🥴
@@consumerdebtchitchat I agree. It definitely takes two people wanting the same thing
how many times did you cheat on them
Agree, this guy is just wasting valuable time, he needs to let her go and end of story
My ex gave the same story about pretending to be someone else 14-15 years ago. Said she needed to be herself and she had been living a lie. Turned out that she was having an affair with her boss and spreading horrible lies about me behind my back. Divorcing me was the kindest thing she ever did for me. In hindsight, she was incredibly controlling. I had no idea just how miserable I was always walking on egg shells so as to not make her angry. It wasn't until she was gone that I realized how peaceful life was without her.
How did her affair pan out ?
@@Thevoiceofreason84Like most women that left their marriage for an affair or cheating, 90% of them never pan out and they always seem to regret. I'm speaking from experience and over a dozen circle of men with similar experiences. We've all moved on without our spouces and never remarrying again. Life is peaceful and sweet now!
Well I’m glad you’re doing better and are happier. Life’s too short to live like that. Done the walking on eggshells with someone and refuse to do it again.
Please take some calls with both people in the relationship. We need both sides and to feel their dynamic.
He does occasionally. However, it's not easy to get both people on the call, and he can only do that if both sides have a positive, open-minded personality, otherwise, the conversation will either devolve into a three-way shouting match once one person perceives, rightly or wrongly, that John is taking sides, or that person will simply shut down.
Yup but some couples don’t want their dynamic to be observed.
Also, water is wet. @@YaYa-ke1zr
I say that every time I hear one of these calls!!!
I remember one of my family members telling her husband that she had been living a lie, and wanted out of the marriage. Turned out she was a lesbian, and had fallen in love with her female golfing partner.
Falling in love with your golfing partner is literally the most lesbian thing I've ever heard lol
That's were I thought this was gonna go 😂
@@carrie14u2nvme too lol
Ouch
That's 100% what I thought was happening
Usually porn addicted men are emotionally checked out of marriages. He's probably been emotionally distant for a long time and she's felt it. She doesn't like the unsatisfying relationship they've been living out. Pornography destroys intimacy and unless he gets that dealt with its unlikely they can rebuild a better relationship.
Exactly
Exactly! I don't think the guy even realizes why she wants a divorce. I think he actually believes it's because she wasn't a virgin when they married.
Do you know why married men use porn? Because the person they are in a relationship with doesn’t put in effort to satisfy them. No man would pick pornography over being with a real woman, but if your partner isn’t putting in effort and you have needs and are loyal - pornography is the logical solution.
@@Dansyoung they use porn because they don't know how to be emotionally available in a relationship and don't understand that it won't be all sex all the time and life happens. They are selfish and expect sex.
@@Dansyoung it's not that women don't put in effort, that's a lie you guys tell yourselves to make yourselves feel better. it's that men want and often are most aroused by things that are utterly unsatisfying or even downright physically uncomfortable/painful for women. that's just the hard truth of it.
All the people in the comments saying her lie was worse than his, are clearly showing they’re porn addicts themselves. He was finding sexual gratification for 7 years, probably on a daily or weekly basis, outside of her. He wasn’t attune to her needs, making her feel desired, probably tried replicating what he was watching (basically no foreplay, no actual emotional intimacy or romance) and then after 7 years of this is “shocked” she wants out. Porn addiction kills relationships.
BS. No such thing, unless you're spending hours and hours on it and missing work.
It's just Normal. Male. Drive.
Stop demonizing/shaming masculinity.
Wives want to monopolize a man's sexuality/sexual outlets, that's all. Keeps him under control.
Yep, it's causing my divorce currently.
100%.
An addict of any type is never fully present emotionally in a relationship. They are either directly under the influence of it, or thinking about it, and keeping secrets and lying, either through omission or commission. They don’t need or love their partner as much as they need or love the target of their addiction. They’ll dismiss people and things that interfere with their addiction.
When a woman says she wants to leave to "be her true self," it means she is already seeing someone else, or plans to.
Nope it means the man was not listening to her and her needs weren't being met and she felt like she couldn't express herself. She wants to be away from that stress so she can breathe.
Yup!!
No she feels trapped and needs support
Or a lot of someone else’s.
Sadly that maybe what is going on here
That was great advice at the end when he told Jack that if she wants to leave, that's fine, but you stay there. She can leave, She can file for the divorce. He can stay put. He's not leaving. Yeah, Jack. Stay put and let her leave and wish her the best. And good luck to you. You'll get through this. It's not easy, but it is doable.
John Deloney us one of a kind. The way he tackles the most complex of problems, it’s fascinating to watch. Not only is he brilliant, strategic mind, but he is also deeply warm and wants good for humanity. His methodology: He warmly invites the caller in making them comfortable, like an old friend. Then once the caller starts explaining the problem he starts fidgeting with the papers and pen in front of him, absorbing all the relevant information and scribbling relevant notes down. He then bursts into his incredible insights!! He gives a reality check, but also lifts the caller into self-worth, reality and heart-warming common hood. Such a joy and completely original 💪 Come do a book tour in Jerusalem 🙏🏻
He’s definitely gotten better from when he first started
He used to try to predict what people were going to say now he listens more
"I love the new her that I'm meeting," this is so unbelievably sweet. If the wife reads these comments, please try to make things work with this man.
She won't. He is des and she is playing him.
@@cabayern9416 what is "des"?
I think she has taken a couple of dongs
@@cabayern9416 keep in mind, he has been holding things back as well. They both have stuff to work on.
@@cabayern9416not all women are playing men. This trauma men have with previous girlfriends needs to be addressed with a therapist.
I like Johns advice. My wife said she wanted out in 2022, I tried like a fool to hold on to her. I should have just told her to get out. I paid for everything in the marriage. I bought her out and the place is now mine. In the end she did me a favor.
Why did you pay for everything?
@@aliolivibecause women are freeloaders
@@aliolivibecause many men like him don't have any insight and frame everything in terms of money. Notice this dude mentioned nothing other than money. If he thinks that's what relationships and marriage are all about, that is his problem.
@@dudeorduuude5211Marriage is a business contract
@@SarahConnor562 not all investment is monetary and when two people build a life together assets should be divided evenly if there is a split.... but not seeing the rest of the investment that is not monetary leads to entitlement and bitterness.
I wouldn’t fight for anyone to stay in my life. They can go.
Yeah but do you have a house and kids?
How humble… It shows how deeply you love the other person, they leaving doesnt even bother you.
@@anacabral873 no it just feeds a woman’s ego for the man to cry and beg for them to stay. I will never do that again in my life I’ll be upset but my life will go on.
@@mattrodgers157 does it matter? If the woman wants to go let her go.
@@JJJJ-he8bz maybe someone did that to you, doesnt mean every woman will do that. How stupid are these quotes "Men are.../Women are..." men and women are different from each other, just because a man cheated on me doesnt mean others will. People are different, dont generalize, thats the saddest view on the world you can have and more importantly it is not true. I agree with you, if someone wants to go, Im not going to force them to stay with me, but when you say "i dont fight for anyone" it feels like you are superior to others
Nah, I’m not buying it. She’s not happy with this guy and is looking for a reason to leave. This guy should run.
sounds like she think she's winning her freedom and will take some cash and houses on the way out. But then realized that the freedom is going to cost too much
Wow, you don't know. You're not involved with their situation, you're just adding your own conjecture based on your own experiences in bad relationships. It's not about what YOU feel, it's about him and his wife and how THEY feel and are willing to do the work necessary to more forward together or not.
@@Oneness100 “She’s done with our marriage and wants a divorce.” When asked if she’s willing to go to marriage counseling to try to save the marriage and she says “No.”
She’s already made up her mind at the beginning. Let’s say you had a felony on your record that you were ashamed of and you hid that from your husband/wife. Would your first instinct be “I’ve got to divorce my partner because I can’t be who I really am?” No, your first instinct would probably be, “Hey honey I’ve not been truthful about something, it’s eating at me, and I’m afraid you’ll leave. But I love you and want to stay together and hope you’ll understand.” It makes no sense to jump straight to divorce and refuse marriage counseling when she’s the one that’s been hiding this the whole time! And, are you going to sit here and act like not being a virgin is the worst thing in the world. The majority of humans are not. He was going to leave her over that? I don’t think so.
Most importantly, she said “I’m not fulfilled in our marriage and the life we built together.” Ma’am that says it all. This is not about her being ashamed about her not being a virgin.
@@TheJgraham12345 I don't hear what questions you're asking her. Ask her who she thinks she really is and why she thinks she needs a divorce over it. She's obviously just throwing out ways to sabotage the relationship/marriage.
Let me ask you a question. Do either of your consume drugs or alcohol? If so, on what level?
She's obviously not capable of being honest about her feelings and if she's not willing to go through couples or at least individual therapy, then simply call an attorney and get yourself protected as she might be misdirecting you while she's going behind her back. That's also a possibility.
@TheJgraham12345...If he's already wallowing in pornography?
It will be no great loss to her.
That you can count on.
She thought it was her fault but the disconnect from porn was all him. Yuck what questions about his looking at porn for years would help her??? He lives in Fantasyland sexually, and she is not there with him!
She wants to try counseling after having no interest in it before because the guy she thought was an option turned out to not be as interested or as good as she thought. I don't think she's into the caller sexually, which is why he copes with porn. He probably doesn't know how to be attractive to her and she's bored of him
Yep
The part where she was crying is because her AP told her I don’t want a relationship with a cheater 😂
Which part of the video did you get the cheating from? Stop projecting the woman that cheated on you and your bitterness on this man. She is also willing to try counseling even after he dropped bomb of his decades of porn addiction.
Actually, I've been the guy who a few married women have tried to end their relationship for, and I don't go for it, and they go back to the guy who they ultimately leave in the end
Also not saying she cheated just she's not into her current marriage and had someone in mind but it didn't work out. That's why all her explanations sound like word salad excuses that you have to try extra hard like standing on your head to understand
Dude sounds like he irons and folds his socks, putting them away in alphabetical order with a lock on it.
The dishonesty is a bigger problem than the actual things she is hiding from what I can tell. If you hold onto stuff and don't identify problems with your partner, how are you ever supposed to move forward together.
Confession is not repentance. People want to get things off their chest to make themselves feel better and now you’re stuck with the load .
confessing is at least a step forward.
@@Oneness100 yes, but not if they’re not willing to change.
@@rebeccaoprea9917this depends on what you are confessing. Having relationships before marriage is not the same as confessing another an affair during marriage
👏👏👏
🎯🎯🎯
Somehow I think everyone is missing just how “casual” this guys voice is . . Didn’t even sound upset or remotely heartbroken that she asked for divorce! Anyone else wonder if she was playing a card to get Him to Admit about his porn addiction (that she may have suspected or found evidence of) and how That made her feel so I valued & unloved & disrespected??? Why does everyone “assume” she’s having an affair?
And yes I Do understand about the “2 steps forward 1step back” form of incremental leaving. . I had to do that once just to slowly get things in order to escape a very toxic & controlling relationship all the while also protecting my children . . . Just adding a different perspective . .
I was in a relationship with a “flat” man like that, and at the end of it I started saying things to try to get him to fight for me. Not saying it was healthy and Inregret it.. but that’s what I was thinking about to.
That is how a man is supposed to sound lol
@@krystalgardiner5591Bingo. My very first thought was that she's bored. He's boring. He bores me. His voice, cadence, in and out of confidence, he's annoying. She did something stupid to inject volume in the relationship. Not a smart route. She shouldn't have married him.
Her lying about her virginity shows she's not innocent. It's plausible to assume that she could have cheated on him.
@@alioliviseek help..
What about her side of the story Delony! Your giving him exactly what he wants to hear
Had a similar situation: my husband left during in vitro process via phone, moved out soon after, and ghosted me. Oh, contacted me soon after to ask for money…he laughted at marriage counsling, basically he suggested that he will find someone easier to have a baby with.
Congratulations! Sometimes the trash takes itself out.
😮
What an AH!
Poor guy. He sounds so happy that she changed her mind.
There can be no negotiation with Adultery, Abuse, Addiction. The wife probably had suspicions before. She needs to leave.
She's a liar and probably a cheater. How is she in the right?
Jack is a good guy. I hope they get through this valley and come out the other side stronger.
He's pretty oblivious
Caught my ex with another dude, what a devastating experience. Years later when my real wife's Mom came in from work, her husband of 17 years told her to have a seat and told her he wanted a divorce because he wasn't happy. This was with a woman that literally waited on him every hour of the day they were not working. When I say waited on him, he expected breakfast on the table at 7:00 am before she left for work, expected dinner on the table at 6:00 pm. His clothes had to be washed and ironed every weekend because he refused to pay for dry cleaning. He expected the house to be dusted, vacuumed, and scrubbed every weekend when he was usually playing golf or watching sports. All while she worked a full time job, he done nothing around the house but pay someone to mow the lawn. When I heard he wanted a divorce because he wasn't happy, I said "he has been seeing another woman. Call me crazy but I would put money on it. I would never be a dirtbag like that to a woman nor expect a woman to wait on me, but I am telling you he is seeing someone, why else would he leave a pretty wife, younger than him that waits on him like he is a king because he suckered her into thinking that's what it takes to keep a man happy"? The next day, my wife (his step-daughter) went to his work to find he wasn't there but his car was, so she waited. That evening his girlfriend brought him back to drop him off at his car where he skipped work to be with her for the day.
I have a friend that keeps talking about seeing another woman because his wife of 7 years has not allowed him to touch her 6 years. Every time he talks about seeing someone else, I tell him, you need to get a divorce if you are not happy, not wait until you think you found another woman.
Simp take
@@zyzzuschrist3410 - Who's the simp? When I caught my ex with another dude, I told her to come home that night, get her sh** and get out.
You are a good man.
@@chrism2042he's the simp. He probably got cucked and simped still and now he's trying hard af to make up for it. Sneaki behaviour.
I think you gave your friend good advice...and your poor mother in law, what a horror :(
I feel for that caller 😞 nobody ever wins in these kinds of situations.
That is not true. Something very similar occurred in my marriage many years ago.
Just because it didn’t happen to you doesn’t mean it can’t for anybody else myself included but I commend you for working through it. Not a lot of ppl want to whether it’s a marriage, friendship, family problem, business relationship, etc.
Not always, sometimes this is what creates the real team out of it. Basically once all laundry is aired and therapy is processed there’s more trust and an actual team.
Imagine hiding a whole ass addiction and wondering why your marriage is broken.
Seems like they both lied about their values. He was a porn addicted virgin and she lied about being a virgin.
I honestly think her lie is worse. Lying about porn is still bad.
I hate to say it, but I feel his honesty about his porn addiction was the nail in the coffin. She has one foot out the door and that just tells her she was never “all that” from the beginning
She was never "all that" because she lied that she had zero bodies.
She lied about being a virgin.
@@alluringbliss4165ha, exactly. They both have pent up sexual stuff that resulted in them lying. If they embraced it with eachother, they could handle their sexual side in a healthier way... together.
Well she did lie and that probably exacerbated that feeling.
She's been donged
He caught her crying but it wasn’t the first time for sure. She’s been out for a long time unfortunately. The “counseling” thing is often to soften the blow. And she most likely knew something was up with him sexually outside their bed. Usually women can feel it.
Or she's cheating, and the other guy changed his mind.
@@Chet_24 typical male response, defer blame and refuse accountability. It couldn't possibly be that men have flaws... oof
@@MoonFoxASMR That's funny! I know what kind of girl you are by the kind of man you claim all men to be. It is well known on the interwebs that accountability = women's kryptonite.
@williamclayton9566 she probably knows from seeing men do this before. You're projecting, as men do.
@@Chet_24 He called himself addicted to porn. Chances are they weren’t having much fun and connection all these years.
With both of them keeping secrets from the other from Day 1 of their marriage, they never achieved emotional trust and intimacy in the first place. It’s very sad, but I bet it’s more common than we know. I wish they’d go into counseling, both joint and individual, and be really honest with themselves and each other. Get to know each both for real, and maybe their marriage has a chance.
I show my husband who I was from the beginning now after 7 years hes sick of my attitude 😂
😂
This happens a lot.Many times men don't care if their wives are happy as long as they perform in their roles.They are very surprised when their wives leave. The men start paying attention because now it impacts them.
The big problem in today's society is they think a marriage will work out when it's being dictated by their feelings. That's not how a successful marriage survives. Throughout your lifetime of marriage you're going to have times of being absolutely in love with that person and also feeling like you hate the very fiber of their being. Feelings come and go, if my husband and I did that we would have been divorced three times already. But here we are together 16 years later and We are as happy as can be. Sometimes you just got to step back put your feelings down and wait for things to pass and work on things that are problems. Love is an action and choice not a feeling...
Think in this case it may actually be guilt that overwhelmed her. If that’s the case, the issue was her overreacting and not telling him the truth. Then again, if he is the type that does not like to hear truths this can be an issue. In this case he was supportive, but some men are not. I think the issue is that people need to date longer and actually build enough trust and knowledge of their partner. People marry and don’t know whom they are marrying in totality. Some it’s due to a lust filled haze, resulting in disappointment when flags were not looked into or analyzed as they occurred resulting. In others it’s not asking or wanting to ask the important questions before or analyzing the person. This can be due to lust or inexperience. So when they marry they don’t really know how their spouse will behave in manners or who their spouse really is. He’s not the guy I married is more like, you didn’t pay attention to his behavior with friends and parents. Also, had she gotten to know him better maybe she would have eventually told the truth before marriage so they could both have an adult conversation and move forward.
If only most knew…
Very wise advice because it’s true
It's interesting how most LTM come down to the lowest common denominator? ( And you just hope for more good times than bad.) or the marriages turns into "it's just about the kids". Another example, you can pick them out when eating at restaurant ( Oh yeah! Date night again.) They come in sit down pull out their phone's ( or years ago sit and not say anything to each other, and it just the symptoms' of the problems in the marriage) for the next hour and half - and if they do say 10 or more words to each other it's about kids, work , family, or how they need to to get the leaky roof fixed or they need to get the garage cleaned out. ( or worse case scenario end up in a fight by the end of the night) And their so entrenched into their routine, ( People are creatures of habit or its path least resistance? One thing they can agree on is eating food) trying to do anything else would be as painful as pulling teeth. Me and the wife quit doing date nights yrs ago. Everytime we tried doing something we could never agree on it, it would always seem to hit wall, or it turned into a point contention - it was just easier not to do it , then the stress of trying force it.
And love changes year to year.
He needs to go ahead and start preparing for her to leave, because the idea has already crossed her mind and she’s clearly dealing with more than most, I would also recommend you empty out any joint accounts that you have, and if she wants her half give it to her, but if you just leave it there assuming everything‘s going to be fine, you’ll find yourself one day with an empty house and a $10 balance.
Been there, this is great advice. Also canx the credit cards on any joint accounts.
*negative balance
@@user-he6rs8xi7u I was being generous, haha
If you're doing anything financial you need to get a lawyer involved. Don't just drain the bank account.
Not all women clean out the bank account and take everything in the house.
I tried to get together with my ex GF of many years. She told me a couple weeks in that everyone, including myself thinks she is so kind and innocent, but thats not who she is at all and that she isn't the person people perceive her as at all and that she is something entirely different, and is infact a mean person. I left that day. I am glad she was honest enough to tell me what she really is. Her parents and I remain friends and they also have no relationship with her despite me never telling them what she told me. Not sure hoe someone becomes self aware of being evil, but she did. Glad she told me.
When someone tells you who they are believe them...good job.
What did she mean by evil
How odd that you never knew her like that
Or she's actually so kind, sweet and self effacing that the normal human feelings of frustration she sometimes experienced made her think she was mean and you just missed out on a beautiful relationship with a lovely, albeit slightly anxious, person
If she was mean, she'd act mean.
I love John's pop culture refrences to The Office, or Dawson's Creek, singing songs that remind him of someone's name or place. Love that when someone asks him how hes doing, and he says, " Partyin' ‼️" with a little smile. John is the cool friend we all need who always knows what to say when you're going through a really tough time. I'm such a fan ‼️❤️
Why is nobody talking about how his confession is way worse!! A full on addict, hiding it for YEARS while he did it. Wow, I feel sorry for her that’s not gonna be a fun journey.
To me this sounds like a couple who was brought up in an atmosphere of extreme religious guilt, and each felt the other was going to judge them for their natural human behavior. In that environment, “I occasionally have the urge to use porn” can get defined as an addiction because it’s easier to face as a disease than something that’s part of you. I predict that if she can get over pulling away from him because she feels dirty about her past, his energies will get redirected.
@@greenAbbotPorn is a disease. But in a world where we bring 5 years old kids to drag shows, of course you would think it is something normal.
@@SarahConnor562They have both been deceitful. Her lie was based on past events and his is based on past and current events. It’s not fair to label hers as major and his as no big deal. Porn use will absolutely negatively affect a marriage in a number of ways. By his own admission, he has been viewing it since he was 12, and if he hasn’t been able to gain control over it, then he would be correct in labeling it an addiction.
@@SarahConnor562Are you kidding? Familiarize yourself with its obstacles and effects on marriage, family, and connection.
@@SarahConnor562porn addiction is not using porn responsibly. By definition...
I faced something similar though I didn't lie to the one I was married to. I was saving myself for marriage. I was gang raped , had my virginity stolen from me.
It was so traumatic, I stopped eating, couldn't sleep, didn't have a period for several months, was so afraid I was pregnant. It took a long time to work through it.
I didn't tell anyone. Was so embarrassed, hurt, ashamed, it hurt too much to talk about it.
A few years later, when I met the man I married, he never asked me if I was a virgin. I was so afraid he would ask me, then, I would have to talk about the gang rape, think about it, relive it all over again.
We had been married for 3 months; everything was so good.
Then, he asked me, random, out of left field, if I had been a virgin when we married.
I told him that I didn't want to talk about it. No lies. It was just too painful to talk about. after I worked so hard to recover.
He had lied to me; told me he was a virgin when he had actually been with several partners before he met me.
He told me he did it because he wanted some "experience".
His was voluntary, mine was forced, violent, criminal, left me feeling so broken until I worked through it to recover as much as someone can recover from something so horrible.
I feel sorry for you. Hope you had some therapy ❤
@@ireefree2024 Thank you for your concern. Yes, I did undergo long, painful, arduous therapy. It hurt so deeply to bare my soul to a counselor. It made me a much better person, wife, mother, friend.
So sorry that happened 😢
I'm sorry he lied to you.
Sounds just like a buddy of mine these last few years. Wife wanted a divorce suddenly. They were both supposedly virgins before marriage. Didn’t want to do marriage counseling and wanted to move out to “find herself “. Turns out she was banging a coworker and lied until the very end even after she forgot about her iPhone location showing her at the dudes house during the separation every night. She obviously started banging another dude, couldn’t recreate the same thing with her husband but refused to work on it.
Oh BTW they have THREE little girls. My buddy is the absolute perfect father and has the heart the size of the sun.
The dude dumped her. She’s a single bitter lady now. He’s moved on is about to married to another woman two years after the divorce that actually appreciates him.
Be prepared for what’s about to come brother. Protect yourself.
Not everyone is you, or your buddy. This blanket statement is your bias by the way.
@@ireneswackyjournals8810 chill. It wasn’t a blanket statement. It was an anecdote. Hence the beginning statement “sounds just like…”
A blanket statement would be something like: “every woman that wants a divorce is cheating.” Sounds like you implied a blanket statement. Either you got caught up in the atmosphere of the comments or you’ve got some negative experience with this subject. Either way I hope you have a great day from here forward!
@@CRobinsonpk apparently a few folks kept claiming she was basically a cheater. That is not always the case, with either sex. Cause women also jump on the bandwagon if he is cheating on me and then the guy had a massive work trauma and just doesn’t communicate it effectively. Sometimes a duck is a duck and sometimes it’s not.
The second marriage probably won't last either.
Once I heard that he found her crying by herself and then told him she was not feeling fully fulfilled in the relationship, the first thing that came to my mind is who is it?
Usually situations like this have a trigger, and for them to have been together long enough to have a kid together, the catalyst is usually an attraction that is sparking a desire.
Am I the only one who sees this caller as a little off and not telling the full story? I hate when men act totally blindsided like they are the perfect husband.. something is off... But I think its best he lets her go. She clearly doesn’t want to be with you. He seems to be putting everything thing on HER. NOT really saying anything about him...
Exactly. Please take calls with both parties!!!!
Oh, I'm pretty sure he felt blindsided. A 30+ y/o virgin male would be pretty clueless about women and he talks to John in an emotionally cold, stoic analytical manner, similar to an engineer.
@@michaelh2282 that’s a him problem. Doubtful that she never tried to communicate with him…
Agreed, something is off! He is so unbothered too, his tone is happy and unconcerned almost.
@michaelh2282 This society is really forgiven to men and infantizing and given them a benefit of a doubt.. omg she had sexy before she was married.. it makes her a hoe?? But him havinf full fledged porn addiction the whole duration of the marriage.. oh he know what he wants to know about women.. (oh again not his fault and his wife, Because she wasn't a virgin when they got married.. (she is the bad person here??) Listen, I wish her well.. Woman just don't leave her family for no reason.. Guys want to play Innocent and not taking the accountability for what they do.. No, I am not falling for it. Bring the wife, I bet it would all start to make since.
In a longterm relationship, blindsided is rare and often just means we don't talk enough to settle budding issues so it doesn't grow and blow-up.
This is rough. I just feel like humans who get forgiven so quickly just decide that they can get away with it again. This dude is too nice. If he stays, it's going to be way to one-sided. What is there to salvage if all 7 years have been a lie?
There’s a huge chasm between “I was ashamed to tell you I slept with someone before we met” and “The last 7 years have been a lie”.
She is too nice too. He has porn addiction and tell his wife. They both need to forgive each other. Marriage is happens like this. If you throw in the towel every time, no marriage will survive.
Has all 7 years been a lie or has there been a few lies (that they both felt far to deep of self shame for) for 7 years?
@@shachede6828 "Porn addiction" is BS. It's just normal male drive. If he's not missing work or blowing entire paychecks, because of it, it's not an addiction.
@@williamclayton9566😂 If you found out your sexual partner was looking at males in porn daily, getting off to other men's dongs behind your back, keeping it a secret...you saying that wouldn't eat at you at all? 😂😂 Please.
Use some of that "male self-control and drive" ya'll brag about toward healthy win/win goals for your relationship. Don't cop out witj LAME excuses. 😂😂
Almost seven years ago I put my partner of 17 years on a plane to go visit his adult children. I never saw or spoke to him again. He sold the house from underneath me and I only corresponded via our lawyers and his son in law. I was literally suicidal at 59 years old with absolutely nothing-not even a car. I survived because if anything happened to me, my dog would have ended up in the animal shelter. I never knew he was such a coward. He never said a word to me. He told his girlfriend plenty but at 78 years old i knew his mind was slipping. I'll be ok but even now I'm not great.
What a betrayal, and what a coward! I'm so sorry you had the misfortune to be married to such a man, and I hope you're getting a little better each passing week and month. God bless you!
It's simple. She's bored. She shouldn't have married him.
She shouldn't marry ANYONE. She's a drama queen.
@@williamclayton9566people with addictions shouldn't even be dating
These words are so wishy washy I have no idea what’s she’s upset about and at least him he came right out with it and said his problem. It sounds like they both don’t like their life’s and are now going to build something fun and interesting together.
Bro, she already grieved this relationship while being in it with you AND possibly, she already has someone. Let her go.
Wow, for some reason I automatically thought "she probably had a history like sleeping around that he didn't have and she lied about it to get him and now doesn't have peace..."
As a virgin lady, this is one of my biggest fears... marrying a man who lies about his values or beliefs like virginity just to get with me.
Why would that be your thought? Weird asf
It's hard for them - married sluts, etc al
A lot of times when a woman's done their done. They'll go through counselling, ( maybe for the other partners benefit) ,and the other partner will have high hopes of a reconciliation ,but the reality is the wife is just posturing to save gracie and to say to themselves they did everything they could.
And then a couple years later they wish they didn’t divorce (at least the couple people close to me wish that).
@@biffm.2806 A lot of times that does happen.
But regret is the worst human emotion. If you took another road, you might have fallen off a cliff. Be content.
If you don’t know why your wife wants a divorce. Thats why she wants a divorce.
👍
He sounds so nice and taken advantage of. I’m concerned about cheating too. Maybe the virginity isn’t the biggest deal after so many years together but the present circumstance is more troubling.
Most nice guys get treated like trash.
the virginity thing was a petty thing to bring up to me.. to make her look a certain way (he never said when she told him this... he has said nothing self-reflection on what action he could have possessed played... I CALL BS.
His porn addiction is very troubling
@@shachede6828 no her lie is very very troubling
People are trying to use his addiction to deflect from everything she's doing lol
After 16 years, my ex retired from his job, his father died, he said he is unhappy and it was all my fault. He said I better change. Then he started picking fights with me and I wouldn’t take the bait. He actually started a fight with me because he stubbed his toe on a chair leg and he said I should have apologized about it.
He was trying to manipulate me to kick him out.
He had never complained b4 so I was blindsided. Within one day he rented an apartment, and started seeing a girl from our circle of friends…and told everyone that I kicked him out.
So, I’m completely broken, and ruin my reputation. I really do not understand.
Why a human would be so cruel to another person. I did everything I could for this man.
He sounds absolutely awful! You should rejoice that a man who asks you to apologize when he accidentally stubs his toe has finally set you free. You're going through some pain right now, but when the dog clears up, you'll realise just how cringe your marriage with that self-centered fool was. Hold your head up, dear lady, and enjoy the sunshine!
Im reading the comments and find them very interesting. I'll play devil's advocate. I don't think either of their admittances is that big of a deal. Yes, there is dishonesty and both obviously hid these things out of shame. But I just don't think its a marriage breaker. People (esp in religious communities) often feel they have a role to play and the family needs to be wholesome and perfect and that is just not reality sometimes. God made humans very flawed. Neither of their confessions makes them a bad person esp because there was no INTENT to hurt the other person. She had some D before and he watches D lol. They can still be great people and great role models and be close to God and each other. I think they should be relieved to know they both have their "stuff" and they just gotta be truthful about who they are. The idea of "perfection" is a dangerous game. I think it's a shame that they weren't able just to talk about this stuff years ago.
This!
Having sex before marriage and watching porn once in a while is only a probelm in religious conservative communities that MAKE it a problem. And than people have all these unnecessary hang-ups and people feel like they need to lie and that`s what`s actually damaging relationships.
How come men NEVER see divorce coming 🤔 😂
Because they are selfish and don't listen. They only think women should listen to them. Not the other way around.
This is becausemen actually meant their marriage vows and can’t comprehend just giving up because there’s another person who is an interesting option.
@@Dansyoung that's hilarious because men do exactly that as soon as they have extra disposable income - the leaving for a younger model trope is associated with men for a reason
@@alexavasquez1992 Yup I’m sure some men do it as well. I guess the same message goes out to you - don’t get married 🤷♂️
Men are inherently more selfish while women usually sacrifice more. They expect us women to put up with everything
The other guy chose not to leave his wife so the wife in question had no other choice at this point to stick around
Preach.. her side dude was like naw im good😂😂😂
I would tell her no problem. If you say its over I believe you. When are you moving out? Oh yeah, you don't have a job. Good luck. You aren't getting money out of me.
The dude was prolly ignoring all her complaints and surprise, she wants out. You may have kept her for a little longer but she’ll eventually leave again
His wife told him what was wrong over and over again. Was he listening?
Of course not! He chalked it up to her nagging him OR he just tuned her out OR went deaf and dumb on her. She has had enough!! Also, there seems to be more going on than what he is saying publicly.
I was wanting to tell him to take the opportunity to end the marriage, until he said they had a child together.
When staying was worse that BLOWING UP my family I left. If he would have said I’m not leaving my bed, I’m not leaving my house, I would have uprooted my children and our lives and moved away from him. Alcohol drank up the man I loved. I couldn’t take the meanness, property destruction and setting fires (literal fires).
I tried to get us help. He thought it helped, bc I stopped complaining to him. I was “nicer.” But I got nothing in return.
This lady is being led on by another dude probably doing him already, told her lover she leaving her husband so there can be us, her lover said uh no I just want you on the side, so lady went back to husband, and wants to work it out with counseling. According the husband she has had multiple partners in her life, probably misses that part of her life.
People change over the years. You’ll never be the same person 5,10 or 20 years down the road but just bcz you change doesn’t mean you should leave your partner. You said forever
Mostly women change. The procedure that runs in background in her brain that disqualifies men from sleeping with her never stops running, even after marriage. [We know that something like that is there because if there weren't, she would be indiscriminant about who she slept with and every woman that did this had children and grandkids that were outcompeted by the descendants of women that did discriminate. Simple evolutionary pressures. Men that did NOT take every opportunity to screw any and everything that sat down to pee had fewer descendants than those that did.] That's why after 10 years men report having 90+% of the sexual desire for their wives as they did at point of marriage, while women report a drop of anywhere from 50% to 80% after anywhere from 2 years to 10 years. Women find faults in their man. She's hard wired to do so.
@@williamclayton9566you sound delusional 😂😂
The person she was leaving him for doesn’t want her…She was just something to do.
Yea kinda a weird 180 of not wanting any counseling or any attachment to agreeing to counseling with a word salad explanation
It would take more than a day for that to come to light.
@@SeanGunzmy ex did that a few months before I left her
Theres change and then there's growth, change can be bad but growth isn't. And usually when someone changes, it was already in them to begin with, they were just masking.
She is saying “it’s not you, it’s me”
In other words, it's him.
I feel a lot of the people in this comment section don't understand thatnot all women are the same. When you struggle with vulnerability and the fear of abandonment you may love your partner more than life and be so afraid that they will not accept you that your instinct is to run. Not every woman is trapped in a terrible marriage that they actually want out of, some of us are trapped in our own minds and we are destroying ourselves. Our husbands don't need to reject us to make us fear rejection, we had parents or other authority figures do that for us as children.
I wish this couple happiness and healing on their new journey!
Oh yea she been cheating and thought she was gonna run off in the sunset. Chad or Tyrone said nope. Or she doesn’t want to be the bad guy. Run dude.
This reminds me of the Kubrick movie ‘eyes wide shut’. And the last line of that movie is the advice this situation needs.
"We need to f***"?
That movie was about child trafficking
Women are not being honest with themselves I swear. Its hard to feel loved by a man and its hard for men to truly express true love the lack of that makes most women file for divorce but i really think there are signs before
Pretty sure she has some one else.
Welcome to 2023. Guy is WAY too soft. I would love to see her social media profiles.
Ill save you the trouble, duck lips and filters lol
@@godknowsimstupid7848 Lol I didn't expect anything less SMH
@@godknowsimstupid7848I am clueless what that means! Not to seem dumb but maybe I am.
Why am I picturing some old middle aged Karen with glasses
She got trapped early being his fantasy woman. He projected her perfection on her and she felt terrified to break that fantasy and let the real her shine through. So he didn't love HER, but rather he loved who he believed her to be. Not that she's a bad person.
She was definitely cheating
John has been working out a lot
Yup it’s a little tighter on the shoulders and arms yes 💪🏼
He looking gooddd
@@Cloudsofa He should do a shirtless one
bahahahahaha
@@johniii8147ayo
I like your advice at the end. I feel like there would be less divorces if the person who was needing, the divorce was the one who left and lost it all. People may mention divorce less and willing to work together if they were in danger of losing it all.
If she says it twice file the next day.
One minute in: "I've asked her maybe lets do couples counseling and she said no...." she's checked out LONG ago and way too late for that unfortunately.. it's academic at this point bro and the likelihood of her turning things around ONLY hinges on YOU finding successes for yourself and interests from other attractive/successful women.. only then she may have "second thoughts" bc she doesn't want to feel like she's not second fiddle and not in control of what happens next.... Welcome to the gym and get your passport ready, we are going on a trip.
I knew it. This dude is so gay. That's cool. Love who u love.
Why would u assume that?
This guy and anyone that's facing this problem needs to read the book no more Mr Nice Guy. It was written by a counselor and has a lot of good pointers to help men be better leaders in their marriages and relationships.
Fine I will be honest because I know the game. It's not this deep psychological thing bro
She doesn't find you attractive man.. She wants to explore other men.
She came back because of the fear of being alone or financial reasons
It’s done! I went through that at 14.
She’s seeing someone else. This dude seems like he can be walked all over and blame himself lol
Everything is bigger in Texas even the Simps
@@djpuplex😂
@@djpuplex 🤣
It can be difficult for some people to grasp the concept that they were rejected by someone important to them. Deal with it dude, accept the fact that you are being abandoned.
@@joshuacorbin221 Yeah a man calling in looking for sympathy ain't happening. If the genders were reversed Delony would be trashing the husband and the comments section would be loaded with women commenting how much of a scumbag and coward the husband is for wanting out.
Seven years was the threshold for lifetime spousal support. It was increased to 10 years. I would search the underlying reasons why the woman was so firm in disclosing her intent. I would say YES, I want a divorce.
This call was so heart breaking. I know that from experience that when men watch porn, us women get VERY lonely. Porn is infidelity and he's been cheating on her the whole marriage. She may be physically cheating on him as under God's eyes, adultery is adultery. Us ladies can get the real thing so easily.
Strangely, my husband and I went through something simliar except we never claimed to be virgins. He just stopped wanting to have sex 5 years in and we separated for a year. He bored me and I was foolish too. After I dated a true and wildly insane narcissist, I came back to him. We've been together for 10 years and although will never have kids out of choice, we ride dirt bikes, have sex more often and we're best friends who love eachother so much. Gratitude ❤
Yea all that energy he would have for her is sapped out on screen pixels, very sad
@@SeanGunz You mean, all that energy that she blocked from her coochie is sapped out on screen pixels.
the caller is asking "what do I do now?"
The answer: NOTHING! Let her Go!
Hard I know.....but you can't force someone to stay with much less love you. A person feels what they feel and sometimes those feelings do not change.
She wants to get back out there and be more casual.
After listening to him, who wouldn't? 🥱
@@alioliviI'm sure their child will enjoy seeing a random string of men coming in and out of the house.
Wholesome advice! 🙂👏
Probably got a side dude on you buddy.