@@skaziblu I don't think we missed it. There are many ways to see this situation and we don't have all the details. John has his way of reading it but he too is far from an expert and I'm sure he would acknowledge it.
@@Magroot0914 yeah. I hope the caller sees that he is the problem. It might be too late to save his marriage. Guys like that are impossible to please. Nothing is ever good enough because he doesn’t feel good/safe in his own skin.
The ending made me tear up. What a strong man, for enduring this horrible thing that happened to his daughter, for enduring this all-consuming guilt and for calling and having the courage to be vulnerable. I really hope things get better
I think I get what he is TRYING to say. I grew up dirt poor and I've really built something amazing and my husband is just racking up debt and acts like he could not care less. It's overwhelming.
i think a lot of us understand the frustration. i'm in the same boat, always trying to save my husband's problem. during the process of healing, i realized I wasn't allowing my husband to be an adult and take responsibility of his mess. i slowly backed off from his problems and i guess i was giving him too little of the benefit in the past. he's becoming more and more responsible. i don't believe we'll ever hit utopia, but i like what i am seeing so far. best of luck to you.
Cut off your husband's spending until he reins himself in. Give him an allowance. Anything beyond the allowance should call for a discussion. Limit his credit and debit cards. If necessary, have him take a Lyft or Doordash route.
John still missed the main op problem. The wife promised a good paying job after she graduates so the husband continued to provide for the family. In the ten years leading up to the wife's test she didn't hold up her end. So he's not wrong to get upset when she is constantly failing the final test that will lead to him and his wife's better future.
@harrykashouli9774 my wife and I were actually surprised by his take in this video. John telling OP " you don't like your wife admit it" and things like that were insane. OP spent 10 years providing for most with his truck driving that isn't easy and when the wife is at the finish line she fumbles not once but multiple times.
@@emrys1196 yeah, John went into his "wife defending mode" as always, and forgot that his wife and the caller's leech wife are not the same freaking person!
@@harrykashouli9774 I'm surprised almost nobody called this out. It feels like John was attacking the guy from the very beginning and trying to make him admit things that aren't even there or relevant to OPs struggle.
Man I went from thinking this guy was a tool to feeling so much empathy for him all in about 6 minutes. People are really complex and you cant just look a the surface emotion man. This was so eye opening
Most people dont want to heal. It's easier to blame other and be a victim. As long as being a victim is profitable (financial, emotional, attention) some will stay a victim until the day they die. And probably carry that into the afterlife
@@DogeUSAwhat more? She keeps four kids, a full time job, and went to college while doing all that. I don’t see how that’s doing nothing. It may not be what he wants - should she get a second job to pay for daycare for the younger kids while the teenager(s?) runs unsupervised and wild during the summer?
Exactly. That's a full time job. Unpaid labour. Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
I agree with you, but to play Devil’s advocate, he said “summer vacation” because she works at a school and the kids all go to school for the majority of the year. The July-August break from school is commonly called summer vacation.
The collective at home parents GROANED when he said she just sat around all day with a range of toddler to teenager all summer with kids. How dense and disrespectful can you be as a husband!
This guy even gave me anxiety listening to him!! But damn what actually lies beneath him makes completely sense, feel sorry for the dude. Hope he finds peace
Me too. He cannot properly communicate and sounds a bit depressed. He is anxious because he doesn’t feel supported, but doesn’t know how to say it. I feel bad for him and his wife. They need to learn how to talk and compromise. If they can’t, then they need to move on.
It's not that he doesn't feel supported...it's that he feels anxious because his wife doesn't feel the same thing he does. He's not actually being honest with her that he's struggling with anxiety and feeling anxious about it. So when she rightfully says that things are financially solvent, he thinks she's dismissing him when in fact he's not really expressing what's going on with him. She's not a mind reader. If the budget is in the black or green...why would she pretend as if it's in the red? @@daCubanaqt
My blood pressure went through the roof listening to this call. I can't imagine how tense I'd feel living in that home. I hope for his family's sake he finds some peace.
@@imonlyheretoarguewithidiots how do you know this? She works full time. Has four kids and has been a part time student on top of that for 10 years while having 4 babies during that time
@@shannon2740 let's examine the statements just for starters. I think "part time student for ten years" says a lot lol. You can read my full comments in the comment thread. This woman is bad news.
@@imonlyheretoarguewithidiots I think you are right mate. Even if we consider that having 4 babies while working and "studying", let's say we take a year per baby, that's 6 years to complete 60 hours. That's 10 hours a year! She might have mental health issues and finds life overwhelming. She needs help. Something is not right with the wife. She didn't work during the summer even though "they" are paying debt. She's not supporting him. However, listening to this man, I know he's a lot. He probably comes back home all frustrated already and pays little attention to the kids. They both need a reality check.
The ability of Dr. Delony to see through, no matter what the callers situation or initial description of it, to see the actual reason and pain is incredible! Not just in this episode of the show, but at any call he received. He is listening to what a person has to say and sees what is behind and real reason or problem is. Thank you so much for this show! ❤
Bro, the husband is drowning in paying bills and paying off wife's student loans. I'm sure the wife hasn't once thanked or reassured him in the 10 years that everything was going to be okay.
@@emrys1196 I think you missed the nuance of the call. The husband has unrealistic anxiety because he doesn’t like himself. The complaints about the wife are not real problems. He’s just looking for things to be critical about. His wife works full time and raised four kids. She’s not lazy.
@SecretVictorious the kids go to school the majority of the day 8 to 9 hours so the mother doesn't have to do much. Their not infants or toddlers, so that excuse is out the window. She's a teachers assistant so it's part-time and gives her more time at home than the kids. The OP is logical in wanting a second good income that his wife said she wanted in case of emergencies. Their good right now but the wife is taking advantage of the stability instead of planning ahead. John doesn't get it because there fine now but what happens if something does happen like a flood or a violent storm or unforseen medical bills. The husband wants the wife's support to build their finances up so that he doesn't have to worry anymore. He gets it since he was raised in a poor household. It's not that deep that everyone is making it out to be.
I thunk he's creating a lot of stress for himself. He really needs to chill a bit. I got a knot in my stomach just listening to his anger. His wife sounds depressed to me.
@@debbielockhart7762 I really felt for this man too. I think I have more drive than my fiancé and I won’t lie, sometimes it worries me. The work ethic, courage to follow through with goals and discipline to be financially responsible. All you want is for your partner to pull their weight. That’s all. And I sympathise with this man.
@@debbielockhart7762 thats like saying depressed people are making themselves sad. Trauma of your daughter being assaulted can result in anxiety and anger, just like sadness does.
I’ll take “Humans That Don’t Exist” for $500. You want a slave to stand around and absorb all the bullshit, not a husband. Communicating is very important.
they always complain about it. they take it out on their wives and kids in weird ways and everyone resents them. being vulnerable is the only way to be a good dad.
@SludgeMan90 as long as it takes for you to figure out marriage isn't about your needs. It's not about you anymore. It's "how can I do my best to make my partners life easier?" Vice versa.
Calling all men everywhere… it’s perfectly ok to be vulnerable and scared. This one ☝🏽 cut deep. I was not ready for the depth of this pain, shame and guilt. Thank you Dr. Delony for your gift of this podcast for Brian and all of us out here looking for help.
This is one of the best moments I've seen on this show. That man truly had so much self discovery. I had a feeling Dr. John truly helped him change his life on this call
This guy's first call was to blame his wife for his daughter's su*cide attempt, on the radio, the day after it happened. The day AFTER.... He had not made an effort to talk to his daughter. He had not made an effort to find out WHY or HOW she got to that point....he called into the radio, to moan to strangers for attention, and he LOVED it. I don't know how he found time SO QUICKLY to get on a public airwave and triangulate his child's tragic circumstance to paint an evil image of her mother. It made me so sick at the time that I recognized his voice immediately and couldn't believe I had the misfortune of hearing it again. Listen to him mention her attempts on this call. It sounds like she did it AGAIN since he first called in, and he can still only think of himself. He's not a father. I'm glad she knows that. The only explanation for his daughter's su*cidal depression that he could give was them being home together during the pandemic, which had been "hard" on him. Hint, hint...HIM... And when he calls in this time, he describes their prior interaction as being about his wife being an "emotional terrorist" with a chuckle rather than mentioning any kind of a family struggle or hardship with a child. People who grew up without the ability to emotionally cope can be very, very good at false contrition to juice up on sympathy before going back to let it out on their inner people. Cowards trading on moments of fake vulnerability to keep people in their favor. It is at the heart of so much family tragedy as trust seems possible. Just sharing b/c if you compare his two calls, the manipulation is incredibly dark and sad for all of the children. I hope I don't hear his voice a 3rd time but if I do, I can't imagine it would suddenly show any genuine empathy toward his kids or that he'd be able to demonstrate accountability for the damage he's caused. I wonder if it seems like he made a lot of self discovery because Dr. John is so good at helping people "get there"...Brian just had to follow along.
@@bettysmith4527yeah people need to figure themselves out before entering serious relationships in my opinion. At least to an extent. A healthy partner will hopefully guide you on that path but many don’t.
This sounds like my husband when he was deeeep in anxiety and depression. It was actually hard to listen to for me because it brought up some not great emotions and memories for me. Dr John impresses me with his ability to cut through the bull and get to the heart of things.
All this loser of a doctor does is assumes that there is an underlying issue for everything a male caller brings up. The woman has been racking up debt for 10 years on loans, continuously failing while he is working tirelessly to make an income to support the family and her education. All Dr. John does is say hey buddy, your wife is perfect in her actions, what's going on with you, are you cheating, do you dislike your wife, are you no longer attracted to her? With Dr. John its never straight forward, its always there is something else that would make a man have an issue with his wife, because how dare he have a problem with his wife. That's some BS
@@dervon.rodriguezbecause many times, there is an underlying issue. You’re only getting this guy’s side of this. You aren’t getting hers. Perhaps she’s not the freeloading, ungrateful person he’s making her out to be. Sounds like he’s doing a lot of complaining on what his responsibilities are. She does work, she takes care of the kids too. So it’s not that she isn’t helping. There’s more to this than just his side.
This is the exact situation I was in with my now ex-husband. I mentally couldn't take it anymore, he was inconsolable with his fixations on everything that was "wrong". Together we made $200,000....1 child and a house we put 50% down on because we lived below our means. I could pay the mortgage with 1 weeks paycheck. We had 3 weeks of my paychecks each month PLUS 4 weeks paychecks of his to live on. We had ZERO financial worries yet he was harassing and abusive to me daily about money concerns. Who can live like that??
I actually like this caller. I totally understand the feeling of financial fears. I respect my husband’s feelings and anxiety about money. We go over a budget together and set boundaries and I want him to feel like he has a help mate not a dead weight.
Yeah, I got the feeling he has a strong work ethic and intends to be a provider, but he wasn't seeing the stress his wife was going through at the same time.
@@JKNat9004 If all things are considered, the we should take into account the fact that the wife is NOT supportive of his financial concerns as he expressed in the call. She doesn't have a sense of urgency, which is what men of his caliber needs. she doesn't need to be the breadwinner, but follow through on your goals and be understanding when the husband has some concerns regarding the future of the family.
@@HALFAMAZINGTVexactly. I could easily look past the fact that it took her more time to get the bachelors degree. But no 7 times as much time. So he may be burnt out and frustrated, but she is most certainly not helping the situation at all. She’s only laying it on thicker. I get where he’s coming from.
I agree about how she could help with budgeting and everything. But I grew up with a stay at home mom and THAT was her being an anchor for the family and anyone who thinks raising 4 kids is "not working" has lost their mind. I find it absolutely INSANE the expectations that are put on women these days. My dad ADORED my mom and HAPPILY and GRATEFULLY paid for everything. It was his JOY to spoil my mom...surprise her with new clothes, dates, flowers, meals out, dancing, new housing etc. Put all the kids in FULL TIME daycare for the summer and see how much that adds up to...she is contributing AT LEAST that much. Now hire a maid and a cook for the summer. If she is not a 100% slob/hoarder/non-cook.... Then she is doing those jobs at least part time. Add those part time salaries up...she is doing AT LEAST that much of a contribution. I bet it adds up to WAY more than 40k per year that he CLAIMS he would be so happy with. Then add dealing with a rage filled, anxiety riddled, unappreciative partner...that can literally make a person sick to be around. Yes, they need to VALUE each other, and help each other...and find solutions without blame. If he couldn't support a family/childcare then why in the heck did they decide to have a family? What do men think providing for a family MEANS???????
I get what he means by desperate. People who struggle with money have a better appreciation of its value rather than those who never felt uncomfortable.
They also have more anxiety when they are actually ok financially b/c they know it can all go away and that anxiety can be suffocating but we call it being realistic. I know b/c I am that way.
The flip side is that they frequently struggle with financial anxiety and, even if they're doing well enough, still feel as if they are struggling to stay afloat because that's all they've ever known. Then people who've never had to experience that see that their needs are met and that there is some level of financial security and feel comfortable. Then the financially anxious get frustrated when everyone around them doesn't participate in that anxiety
@@LuluBeLuluyes!! My husband frees up with not much $$. He is 45 and has a really good job and never seems to be able to accept that We as a family are o.k. And I did not grow up like that so he gets mad at Me for not having the anxiety You mention.
Brian so glad you called in. Praying you and your daughter heal from what that man did to her. Praying you are able to heal. And praying you and your wife can come to an agreement about your financial path.
You can't put a price on a parent being home with 4 kids. There has to be adult supervision. She's working most of the year, 4 kids and school, yes, it's gonna take a long time! Classes are not always available when it's convenient for your schedule.
Agreed. And if he's so concerned about her passing that test, why doesn't he offer to take care of the kids for a day so she can study and be successful? Then she could get her education finished and make the extra money he's so obsessed about. But, as John said, then he'll find something else to rag on her about. No wonder she's shutdown.
@avtircaritas8229 because he has to work 70 hrs a week to barely be much over the cusp which gives his financial anxiety? She needs to take accountabikity to the 3xpenses shes acxeuing and the financial hardship. She sounds disconnected to the finances altogether.
Plus he mentioned he works 70 hours a week, so she has to complete her studies, internships, and student teaching while he's not able to help with the kids & house.
She has 4 of his children, works at a school, and trying to get a degree!!! What the heck else does he expect from this woman. He does not like his wife!
Finish her 2 years of school in... hmm let's say 6 years at most. I've literally been through this. We were in school, she flunked out and finished in 9 years. I did in 4. When someone's continued failures put a strain on you, why would you want that to continue. Women always try to hide behind kids. He's a father as well. And he puts the roof over the head. What's so hard to understand about this situation?
10 years implies purposely holding back, she’s not the main provider and saving her own money for each credit hour as some single mothers have had to do and still did it in the normal 3-5 years.
@@3dakainsaneshe’s also working a full time job doing all of this and as he said “I am a lot” this dude is living in survival mode for some reason although it seems like he doesn’t have to be and he resents her for not living in survival mode with him
Fortunately, he got in touch with the right person. Many don't and just give up and cash in their chips. That situation is more common than can be imagined.
So his wife spends all summer looking after 4 kids at least one of which is not biologically hers and has severe mental health/emotional problems and he has nothing good to say about her and thinks she is lazy? Maybe he should price up how much a sitter or daycare would charge to look after a 15 year old with mental health problems as well as the other four kids and then he’ll realise how much his wife really saves him financially!
He also specified that they have her ton of student debt they're paying off, some mortgages are high AF, so I would think that paying for a nanny while the wife has no income for 3months wouldn't be feasible being down to 1 income for couple months because bills catch up and childcare is not cheap either. Not shaming the wife for taking the 3 months summer off after full time teaching the rest, but sounds like she is constantly failing tests that take a lot of cash to keep retaking each time. One can also assume after every so years that passes she may need updated books/classes depending and they certainly aren't cheap either. Idk how many times she's done this if it's gone into thousand(s?) and how spread out the times were taking because it really does add up fast here and there. SAHMs have definitely saved up or found programs to go to classes at night or studied full time at home doing full child care and gotten their degrees, why is she failing it so many times to get a higher degree in a field she already has some similar education/experience in? He also sounds like he has high anxiety around money, also specified that she hasn't been through being desperately broke/poor (or close to) like he has, and while that is his problem to go to therapy to fix(how can he if he has no time working 70hours a week or money to) she isn't helping if she's possibly burning through cash and not listening to him when he communicates that it's hurting/frustrating him. But we are only hearing his side of the story, hers might be different.
That like a big corporation telling the underpaid employees they should be grateful they have a job. He feels under appreciated, that is the wife’s failure.
@@MrRolloBagginsshe only didn’t work for the 3 months, she went to school and worked and raised the children. He said she works just didn’t work 3 months.
He's held everything in and now he's letting it all out at once. I can feel his frustrations and I think he needs to take a step back and knock down each problem one at a time not all at once. This was a tough call. Him and his wife are 2 adults with no clue where they're heading. The world is deciding their fate, not them
Shouldnt have knocked her up w 4 kids. This is the problem men want unlimited sex n no responosbility n when divorce happens woman shouldn't not ask for any support. Sad
This might be the greatest Dr. John Delony episode of all time. Such a roller coaster, and a masterclass in how to probe deeper into the true root of the problem as a therapist.
"The only common factor in all of your unhappy relationships is you." He needs to change, although he has the provider / work ethic part down. That's a good start.
This reminds me so much of my exhusband. So completely unhappy with himself and no tools to address it, or self awareness to look at himself as the problem. So he decided I was the issue - I was the reason he didn’t go back to school, have the job he wanted, have the life he wanted. Isolated me from friends, ignored and dismissed and abused me. Cheated for years and put me and our son as low priority in his life. Navigating the rage was a constant battle to protect myself and my son. As much as he hurt me I know he was hurting. He still doesn’t know how to help himself and he’s having the same issues without me to blame. Sounds horribly lonely. Just glad to be out of the line of fire. I hope more men feeing this way learn to look in the mirror and get help.
You painted the perfect picture of my Ex-husband too. I have a lot of patience that carried me through 12 long years but it was not possible for me to take it anymore. Everybody and I mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON looking at us thought, and said, that we had a perfect Family and how Blessed he was. All, except my Ex husband. You cannot force someone to value you. I was not going to stay behind and allow him to make me and my children feel as if we were not enough. We left. Now he can start all over again with someone else and see if he can get away with putting such little effort as he did with us and feel appreciated by others while he spares no effort in making them feel inadequate.
I love how you ‘weasel’ out the REAL deal of what’s actually going on. This went from “my wife thinks I’m a cash cow!” To an absolutely broken, hurting, husband & father, who is working so hard on the outside but needs so much more on the inside. And his daughter now at age 15, NEEDS her dad more than ever and it sounds like she’s testing him to see if he will reject her and prove that she’s the worthless human that she thinks she is. He needs some regular date nights with her, so she knows he’s her safety zone not her deserter!
hi i am the daughter in question. i just wanted to make it clear that i NEVER once blamed my dad. i actually blamed his wife and my own mother. now i realize there is no one to blame but myself. i love my dad and i will never understand why he thinks i hate him 😕
This women is a loser and sometimes I don't think john truly understands how women sometimes suck and they always seem to side with the wives and girlfriends even when they are clearly wrong
@kyleelawson3029 I hope you're doing better now, Kylee. I've had those thoughts too. I never acted on them, but I thought about ending it as well. Just know you're loved. Wishing you all the best
He probably thinks that you hate him because he's blaming himself. If you have your own children some day, you will understand what it feels like to have such an unimaginable amount of love and affection for a small being that you helped make, and watching that being grow up under your care. He is your father....and he might feel guilty because when you needed protection the most, he was not there and he feels responsible for that. He might feel as though he failed you. He mentioned a letter you wrote him when you were 12...and from his perspective, all those feelings you put in that letter reaching out to him, seeking him, might have felt to him like it was confirming that he couldn't protect you. When you tried to delete yourself...twice....he felt responsible because he couldn't' protect you. Now he probably hates and resents himself for it...because like he said on the call, he doesn't know how to reconcile those feelings and recognize he's not at fault. @@kyleelawson3029
@@soulanstreets222 i understand that 100%. but i didn’t ever write a letter to him. i don’t know why he says i did because i didnt. i remember being asked to write one letter to all 4 of my parents and thats what i did. but i know he hates himself for everything that happened and it sucks.
Has the wife been tested for neurodivergency? Trouble with learning, being exhausted with everything, failing the test over and over again - I'd make sure she finds help if she needs it.
@@TheYazmanian or neurodivergent. The behaviour can seem like that, but in reality they are desperate to get stuff done. Procrastinating is one symptom.
This guy is stressed and burnt out. He must feel like he’s drowning. She’s taken 10 yrs to get her bachelors degree but she has 4 kids and he works a ton of hours so she most likely takes one class a semester to balance all of her responsibilities. I don’t think that means it’s not her dream career. This poor man needs to save his life and get intense therapy to heal his trauma 🙏
@SOUL SEEKER Yup, I'm alone at 30 and my life is great lol. Nothing but peace. The most stressed out and mentally unhealthy portions of my life have been when I was in relationships
i don't have children but saying that raising 4 kids is nothing is insane to me, it is wild. no duh its taken her 10 years , I struggled without kids and financial support from my parents to make it in 4 years. I can't imagine what she's going through
This is what this guy needed. If he'd talked to an Andrew Tate or a Kevin Samuel's or someone else from that community, he'd have just been told he was right, she was wrong, and he needs to divorce her. No accountability whatsoever, but I appreciate that you actually held him to a standard as a husband.
Wow. This was a whole counseling session for him. What great words of wisdom I hope he takes to heart. I hope he listens back to this call and hear how broken he is.
He is her safety net. She IS NOT his. If he fails, everything collapses. And this is exactly what's killing him. Why do I feel if a caller said he felt fine with 500$ in the accout with familly and kids the show would rip them a new one but because the wife is not stressed about it but he is (with reason) they insinuate that he's somewhat unreasonable towards his wife?
@@utopia4life724 Same thing I went through with my ex-wife. This is no longer an age for deadbeat moochers playing house. Even though I was easily able to support the family on my single income, I began to resent her. She was just an adult dependent who could barely keep up with the few responsibilities she had. Despite working 50 hour weeks I was stuck picking up her slack. Now my new wife is successful in my same field and we have non of the issues I had in my first marriage. We are an actual team, not just one actual adult and an adult dependent. Drop the dead weight.
She is taking care of 4 children, one of them is NOT hers and has mental problems because of abuse. Safety net is not all about money. It is emotionally as well.
And as far as his 15 year old daughter goes:She tried to end her life twice? Gee, her father is never around, he can’t stand her mother, and he most likely doesn’t bother with her, which she probably thinks is her fault. Hmm…
@@tiffanyroberts5993 Not her job. She is already wearing many hats in that marriage. Wife, mother, school teacher, part time student, and doing all the household chores. He is the problem.
The comments are suspiciously devoid of any criticism of the ex-wife who let her boyfriend molest the daughter. He’s the one who got mental health care for his daughter, but somehow it’s all his fault.
@@tiffanyroberts5993 wrong. He could be around more if he didn't remarry and have more children on top of the one who is struggling. He is HER father. She should always have come first.
This was my husband...I graduated from my masters degree. He supported us the whole time I was in school after I finished I couldn't find a job. I took a part time job as a teacher aid. Still looking for work in my field. Pandemic hit...still nothing. Got laid off. He pressured me to take a job as a teacher in his school. He teaches turkish for high school. Still looking for something in my field. After 1 year of that I quit to look for a job full time and the whole time he would call me lazy. Self centered. Tell me I didn't want to work. He was stressed because we had a lot of debt and bills to pay and he took it out on me and blamed me. I cried several times. He gave me the silent treatment and treated suicide. I suggested couples therapy and he refused. After I got a job finally as a bioinformatics developer he stopped treating me that way but I still don't forgive him.
Crazy that you don’t find anything wrong in your statement. Just imagine a poor father raising kids, paying bills, and your school! Without any additional income. You probably wouldn’t understand but damn feel bad for your husband
@@hyrunnisa997lol love how he didn’t apologize for his wrong assumption. Sorry that you had to deal with an unsupportive spouse especially during difficult times like the pandemic. I hope you’re doing well at your new job!
Wow, I relate to this man so much. Living in a constant state of fear, anxiety, frustration, self-loathing, and emotional turmoil. Thankful to have finally decided to see someone for inner healing counseling. This video is the most helpful one I've ever seen. Thank you for what you do.
He's been supporting his family for three months, i.e. during his wife's summer break as an assistant teacher, ergo his wife treats him as her cash cow?! Wow! This guy's a head case.
Wow this was intense 😬 I can just imagine how his wife probably just shuts down bc he's constantly pacing around and anxious bc he feels like he has to be that way or else everything is going to come crashing down. When you're around a constant anxious person you get to the point where you just go into survival mode, and you either always fight, you leave, or you just shut down. This guy needs to just chill for everyones sake🙁
This guy...wow! looks like he's on divorce #2. The resentment in his voice is brutal. I think he had a different expectation of his life and it's not working out. Bless this family.
@@soulseeker1729 Not even HE says she does not care about her 2 step kids and the 2 she gave birth to (within 10 years). The college degree is one of many things she takes care of. - It is possible that she works more hours per week than him (unpaid and unappreciated, and called lazy). He says he drives trucks 70 hours, but her workload during schooltime when she holds a paid job might be even higher. btw he also complains about the 150 bucks for the tests she failed. Likely she did not fail 20 times. It is a nuisance to "waste" 150 bucks, and the more severe financial harm is that she could earn more in the same time as soon as she is qualified (and find a job nearby - although some commenters said she is not going to make 40 k in their state) But the 150 bucks (or 300 or 450 for 3 exams) are not going to ruin them. Moreover she is not a shopping alcoholic, these expenditures will not go on forever. Either she passes or she gives up. Imagine if she chose to get tutoring, so she can pass the math section (or whatever is hard for her with that exam). Can you imagine his denigrating remarks and his complaints about that ? He is not there during the week, so all the child care, school appointments and administrative tasks, household chores, shopping she has to handle w/o him. On top of that she DOES have a PAID job. She is "lazy" according to him because he is even jealous of her 3 "free" months in summer when teachers do not work. He is right that she could earn more money with the same amount of hours when she passed the exam - but likely he would find another problem with her. As the test seems to be rather easy, I wonder if that is her passive-aggressive protest (but other commenterss have claimed that the math sections is a problem for quite a few people and many folks have to take the test at least twice). No doubt he is coming down on her hard and it has been going on for 10 years. He may have worn her down. Not to forget at least 2 pregnancies (heaven forbid she had a post partum blues, or was exhausted) and 2 step children (one of them tried to take her life 2 years before). And you can be sure that the WOMEN take care of the appointments of the girl and supervise her. Either the allegedly so toxic ex that is the mother - or the step mother. He brings home more money than her, and he works long hours - but I guess in return he can delegate all other time consuming aspects of having a family and a house to the women in his life. (current and former wife).
At the beginning of the call I was ready to assume Dr delony would automatically side with the wife, but as I listened to the entire thing I love how he wove it into finding the heart of the pain & fear, the stuff in his past. So good thank you Dr John 👏🏼🙂
Raising 4 kids itself is a full time job. The wife does have a full time job already, she’s just off for 3 months during the summer. Also, with the 4 kids at school age, they required a lot of time and money to keep them occupied during the summer. That’s in addition to keeping the house in order such as cleaning, cooking, fixing stuff. I don’t think the caller appreciated how much the wife is already doing. With all that going on, it’s already difficult enough to take 1 course a year. I suspect that the wife might also felt burnt out and under appreciated by her husband and kids so she cope with watching TV at home. It’s a cry for help, not laziness. They need marriage counseling asap before everything falls apart. Then they can make an agreement on how to balance finances and their busy schedule with raising 4 kids, and one with serious mental issues. That’s another part where it can take serious mental stress on someone, even if they are not related.
Incredibly powerful session. I hope every father of little children listens to this, forgives themselves, and focuses on prospering in the here and now. I’ve walked this road and can tell you everyone including you will flourish.
Brian I hope you read the comments. Your show here has been like someone writing my story, slightly different story lines but EVERY bullet point has been on target with my feelings and experiences. Thank you for being brave and reaching out and talking and putting it out there for strangers to hear and judge. Scary. I know it’s scary because I had an episode and when one old lady in a circle of those I’m connected to recognized my voice on the show I asked for it to be deleted. And the comments sucked and hurt. Your episode hits hard and gives me a lot to think about and think about what I can work on for myself. All the best to you friend.
Nice comment. Human. I’ve been there and hit home for me too. Went through a great deal of depression…was surrounded by people…but felt alone. Believed I was the only one working for the family…but also didn’t recognize how close to the edge I was because I was really defeated and I felt like a failure at everything. I forced myself to change my outlook. Thank God I did.
We don't really, because this is their marriage, not a spectator sport. The person who does need to hear both sides would be a counselor - one they both go to.
@@catherinenelson4162lmao you mean going to a certified idiot ? Lmao they get paid to hear your bs lol take they’re paycheck away and they wouldn’t give a F which means it’s a waste of time it’s joke a scam grow up and solve your own problems if you go to counseling your WEAK and a CHILD toughen up and figure it out
I really resonate with this caller. I have a strong fear of not thinking about everything around me because I’m typically a lazy, dysfunctional person. I struggle with self-defeating thoughts, and tend to go quiet. It’s been the main reason I don’t look for a relationship because I don’t want my partner to go through this.
Mom is taking care of FOUR kids, works, cooks, cleans, car pools, doctor appointments. Dads have no idea how much time and effort this takes. His issues are more within him than what his wife is doing
She doesn’t work. He even said that. She goes to school during the school year and takes the summers off. She also took 10 years to get an 18 month degree.
@@reeseerhardt7052what a stupid comment, there are countless male primary care givers and just as many women working to provide, anyone with half a brain would be annoyed at an 18 month degree taking a decade take your misandry somewhere else
So stop failing the test and wasting money down the drain. It has nothing to do with cooking and cleaning. It also probably was her idea to have 4 kids , not his
The missing piece in this scenario is that he does a job where he can’t help with kids, ever. Both my husband and I were on career paths when we had kids, however he seemed to think he should have cart Blanche to spend as much time as necessary to be successful and I was almost 100% on the hook for childcare + working full time. I wish there had been a grandparent around to help us out, but there wasn’t. So I ended up quitting my job to be at home with the kids and he has resented me ever since, even though he was making half a million a year.
Sitter wasn't an option discussed? I am not saying neglecting the children, but having a balance where both of you could financially contribute. Some people want their spouses to be financial contributors of the household (probably one of the reasons he was attracted to you) and and they see no much value in staying at home partners hence your husbands resentment. Everything you spend to him seems like you are spending "too much " you as a family never have "enough ".
@@neisci Agree, if he was making half a million and she was also working they could have someone to care for the children and someone to help clean and cook.
@@V.E.R.O.WHY on earth would she want to spend most of any paycheck she makes on childcare instead of raising them herself??? It is a JOB to raise kids...that is why you have to pay a stranger to do it. It is so bizzare that so many people have lost respect for the carreer it is to raise children. It is a noble profession to try to raise children with quality character, morals, values, and a loving heart. Long after your career chasing money, it is having adult children as your dearest friends that makes life so meaningful. Money isn't everything. If I was a millionaire, I would be DELIGHTED to provide for my partner to stay home...my PLEASURE to make their life EASIER. I wouldn't feel resentful about taking care of my family.
Dr. John you are a true gift to this community you and your team have brought together. Thank you so much for your strength based perspective. These conversations are so important.
I’m a retired teacher. Being a women, mother, and a teacher is EXAUSTING. Never mind adding student on top of it. Go to your kids school and just deal with the NOISE level. Hell, let her have the summers off. Give her nervous system a rest. LOVE HER!
Don't get married. You become one. That's the point. You don't want that don't get married. Period. You can't cherry pick and choose the things you feel like doing in marriage. @@timothy2491
Being a man who has support 6 people on a single income with a wife who won’t get on the page on spending is EXHAUSTING. That’s life. You don’t get a free pass just because you’re a woman. This couple needs to get on a budget , and she needs to get her keister in gear to get her certification done, and go get a higher paying job.
As someone who was a stay at home mom, before I entered the workforce, some of us don’t understand money and how hard it is to make. My marriage ended for many reasons, I became a single mom and it was definitely an awakening experience. Both people in this relationship are contributing to its demise. She needs to see how hard he works in appreciate that by respecting the finances. And he needs to see that she’s a stay at home mom and that’s not an easy job. Teens have to be supervised more closely than most people think. I feel for this family.
@@sarahm.7081 You've resorted to lying now? 24/7 when you have to sleep as well and everybody knows stay at home mum's aren't doing hard work at all times of the day. They get a lot of time to relax. Plus why would you get paid for raising your own children. You're deluded.
@@Caine_House you never stop being the mother of your child. You are mum in sickness and in health, you bring up your offspring, wash them, clothe them, feed them, do home work with them, support them, guide them, shop for them. You wake up at night when they are still tiny and it ls feeding time (or when they are teething and they scream at the top of their lungs right in the middle of the night, effectively depriving you of sleep for days and weeks in a row). You clean up their vomit, do the school runs if they are not homeschooled, Iron their clothes... and you get blamed whenever they are caught misbehaving or if the house is not immaculate by 6.30pm, with dinner ready and steaming while your body is prepared for "nightly duties" You raise your child to become a productive and well ajusted person who will contribute positively to society. All this combined with being a supportive wife to your husband. It is indeed à 24/7 job, which many look down upon because yeah, apparently the only women worthy of respect (if I hear you) are the ones that choose to slave away for a boss that only cares about the money they bring in and can replace them in a heartbeat, while they are left to go back to their cats and teenage kids who know their Instagram friends more than their mom🤷🏾♀️ Right ? Is it closer to your truth?
Holy moly…. This is me. My poor husband, my poor children. The anxiety is real. I do believe this man forced his wife to contribute financially; she chose school but it’s not her dream, it’s his.
it's 2022. You are delusional if you believe a truck driver's income can support four kids and a spouse. They are in it as team, not him alone. She needs to uphold her own part.
@@denimchicken8080 Very True and good point. Then the question remains how much will backbreaking overtime continue before they both realize that it isn't sustainable.
@@HALFAMAZINGTV when your whole family’s financial viability is on your shoulders (especially now a days lol) that’s a heavy load to carry for one person.
I am so blessed to have a partner (15 yrs.) that grew up just like me. Financial issues & expectations must be addressed before even talking about an engagement.
News Flash: As of July 2022, the take home pay for a special needs aid or teacher, in Wyoming, starting off, after taxes is far less than the $40K Brian stated he would want his wife to make. Just one of the many unrealistic expectations he has.
He had no idea how exhausting being a stay at home mom can be. She doesn’t care because of the resentment she feels on a daily basis, Whilst trying to juggle being lonely in her marriage and home with kids all day. Someone needs to show this guy what it would cost in a year for childcare for 4 kids. She makes more than he does in salary when you lay out if you had to pay someone else to watch the kids so she could go to work. That’s insane to me he feels that way.
I didn’t listen to his first call, but I have a strong suspicion that maybe HE was the “emotional terrorists’ in his last relationship. He doesn’t seem to appreciate anything about anyone- everyone else is the problem and it’s never him. Ugh can’t stand people like him.
I agree, listening to him gives me anxiety. I can't imagine how tense he must be with his wife and kids. I'm sure his wife does a lot of housework just to keep up with 4 kids it's a lot.
Rule #1 …….it’s always the man’s fault. 😂 . She could also be just a lazy slob, he’s working himself to death to pay for the house AND her college that she is dragging out and racking up more debt. Sitting on her butt while her house and marriage explodes……….unacceptable.
@@dwhunter8904You guys always say that. It's getting old by now. If he was talking to the wife; he would redirect her back to herself, instead of blaming her husband. Y'all are just allergic to introspection.
I’ve been listening to your show for about a year now and I always have confidence that you will know how to help the caller. While you were talking to the first caller, I did NOT think it would end well. But I wanted to start cheering and clapping for how well you helped the caller!! Amazing!
What a great call, that a lot of hard work men need to hear. Wonderful. God bless you John and Brian. I hope your daughter and wife and you get the healing y'all need!!
Whoa, heavy call! Did not expect all the twists and turns it took. I really think this guy needs regular counseling to complete the path Dr D started him on. Dr D surely has some magic in his bag but, I don't see how a single 30 min call will overcome the issues he has been through for so long. Prayers for his sake and his families that some healing and peace make there way into the house.
I think wifey is taking a beating. Not everyone is capable of earning 60 credits in 1 - 2 years while raising a family, holding down a job, taking care of a home and husband that is on the edge
His story does not add up. He complains that she doesn't work, but then states that she works in a school and then she looks after the kids during hols.
I just listened to this on the podcast app on my phone. I came here to say that at first, I was so angry at this caller. However, as time passed, I felt compassion for this man. We never know what someone is dealing with when they seem harsh towards our loved ones or us. I am not excusing that at all. But there is always more to the story. I hope he gets some additional help. My heart breaks for him! You are not alone!!
I honestly feel compassion for this man, He doesn't have the tools to navigate his family problems and unfortunately he seems to have a woman who sounds non chalant about their financial goals..I wish this family well
Very well handled John. Looking at it from both side's interests, challenging and affirming to unpick the knots the caller has tied himself into. Hope they work it out.
What a powerful discussion. You can't help but feel the trauma from all sides of the family - him (working so hard on the road), her (working full time and trying to take a class here and there), the daughter (trying to bury her hurt and pain)...I hope he had that pivotal conversation with his wife and they went to the battlefield together.
It starts by making the phone call; good on you Brian! It’s really hard, and all of this is going to be hard. Stay strong ; one day at a time, brother 😎
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
I went from thinking he’s a terrible person to feeling sorry for him. Financial anxiety and depression is real
When you have someone next to you who isnt on the same page is even worse.
@@DogeUSAyou missed it.. he's creating a home that's hard to win in. Nothings good enough
How would you even think he’s terrible
@skaziblu how? The wife ain't pulling her weight. The wife blamed him for their suicidal daughter. Why can't he be frustrated with his wife?
@@skaziblu I don't think we missed it. There are many ways to see this situation and we don't have all the details. John has his way of reading it but he too is far from an expert and I'm sure he would acknowledge it.
This was a great call. Digging into the caller’s core emotions instead of harping on her behavior was interesting to see unfold.
I agree. At first I wanted to call that guy an a-hole and then it kind of broke my heart.
Her? What female called in?
@@hillarybillary21The wife behaviour.
feels like John reacts too strongly with too little information too quickly
@@Magroot0914 yeah. I hope the caller sees that he is the problem. It might be too late to save his marriage. Guys like that are impossible to please. Nothing is ever good enough because he doesn’t feel good/safe in his own skin.
The ending made me tear up. What a strong man, for enduring this horrible thing that happened to his daughter, for enduring this all-consuming guilt and for calling and having the courage to be vulnerable.
I really hope things get better
You hear strong? Really?
@@Teenywing You wouldnt understand how it is to be a man so dont try
Man I’m just 22 not married or anything and these episodes are therapy even for me
Don't get married it's a big scam just hear this caller....
Run man. They are not worth it.
Stay single. Most women are a financial and emotional burden.
@@jshepard152 facts My rule is if her credit score is below 850 she's not Worth it.
@@oroville12345if her body count is greater than 0 then that belongs to the streets
I think I get what he is TRYING to say. I grew up dirt poor and I've really built something amazing and my husband is just racking up debt and acts like he could not care less. It's overwhelming.
dr. balony would say you are the problem hahaha
i think a lot of us understand the frustration. i'm in the same boat, always trying to save my husband's problem. during the process of healing, i realized I wasn't allowing my husband to be an adult and take responsibility of his mess. i slowly backed off from his problems and i guess i was giving him too little of the benefit in the past. he's becoming more and more responsible. i don't believe we'll ever hit utopia, but i like what i am seeing so far. best of luck to you.
Cut off your husband's spending until he reins himself in. Give him an allowance. Anything beyond the allowance should call for a discussion. Limit his credit and debit cards. If necessary, have him take a Lyft or Doordash route.
My husband built something and he’s constantly getting himself in trouble with debt because he wants more. And I bail him out.
Cut him off. I've been you, it's not going to end well. If he loves you he'll get on board with you because he cares about the family.
The way john just disarmed him and got him to stop talking about his wife and talk about himself and look at what he has and can do
Like damn, respect
John still missed the main op problem. The wife promised a good paying job after she graduates so the husband continued to provide for the family. In the ten years leading up to the wife's test she didn't hold up her end. So he's not wrong to get upset when she is constantly failing the final test that will lead to him and his wife's better future.
John is useless. He is refusing to see how the wife is a leech, and tells the guy to "suck it up because she is your wife". Absolutely disgusting.
@harrykashouli9774 my wife and I were actually surprised by his take in this video. John telling OP " you don't like your wife admit it" and things like that were insane. OP spent 10 years providing for most with his truck driving that isn't easy and when the wife is at the finish line she fumbles not once but multiple times.
@@emrys1196 yeah, John went into his "wife defending mode" as always, and forgot that his wife and the caller's leech wife are not the same freaking person!
@@harrykashouli9774 I'm surprised almost nobody called this out. It feels like John was attacking the guy from the very beginning and trying to make him admit things that aren't even there or relevant to OPs struggle.
Man I went from thinking this guy was a tool to feeling so much empathy for him all in about 6 minutes. People are really complex and you cant just look a the surface emotion man. This was so eye opening
Yeah more like the opposite. He’s off his rocker. Thank goodness shes finished school because she’s going to need it. That man is a tool for certain.
Honest question here what does "this man is a tool" mean? Whats a tool in that context?
@@CSAL-h7k tool in this context = jerk
@@CSAL-h7k an idiot.
@runnerupcsal8241 it means that he's a jerk.
Healing is contagious. As he gets better, he’ll start seeing a side of his wife that he’s never seen before. This episode was deep.
The wife is lazy and trash. He needs to divorce her
But she still needs to get up and contribute to this marriage. I feel him. Ive been there unfortunately.
Most people dont want to heal. It's easier to blame other and be a victim. As long as being a victim is profitable (financial, emotional, attention) some will stay a victim until the day they die.
And probably carry that into the afterlife
@@DogeUSAwhat more? She keeps four kids, a full time job, and went to college while doing all that. I don’t see how that’s doing nothing. It may not be what he wants - should she get a second job to pay for daycare for the younger kids while the teenager(s?) runs unsupervised and wild during the summer?
@TrishDigginsDesign right?! She's been swamped, with a judgmental man telling her that everything she does is worthless.
Being home with 4 kids is NOT a summer vacation
Exactly. That's a full time job. Unpaid labour.
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
I agree with you, but to play Devil’s advocate, he said “summer vacation” because she works at a school and the kids all go to school for the majority of the year. The July-August break from school is commonly called summer vacation.
The collective at home parents GROANED when he said she just sat around all day with a range of toddler to teenager all summer with kids. How dense and disrespectful can you be as a husband!
Womp womp life they choose
I didn’t know a vacation meant you just get rid of your kids for the summer
This guy even gave me anxiety listening to him!! But damn what actually lies beneath him makes completely sense, feel sorry for the dude. Hope he finds peace
Me too. He cannot properly communicate and sounds a bit depressed. He is anxious because he doesn’t feel supported, but doesn’t know how to say it. I feel bad for him and his wife. They need to learn how to talk and compromise. If they can’t, then they need to move on.
It's not that he doesn't feel supported...it's that he feels anxious because his wife doesn't feel the same thing he does. He's not actually being honest with her that he's struggling with anxiety and feeling anxious about it. So when she rightfully says that things are financially solvent, he thinks she's dismissing him when in fact he's not really expressing what's going on with him.
She's not a mind reader. If the budget is in the black or green...why would she pretend as if it's in the red?
@@daCubanaqt
He can fully communicate however he wanted to lie
@@not-even-german4892??? What?? When??
10 yrs to finish a bachelor's?
My blood pressure went through the roof listening to this call. I can't imagine how tense I'd feel living in that home. I hope for his family's sake he finds some peace.
His wife is 90% of the problem
@@imonlyheretoarguewithidiots how do you know this? She works full time. Has four kids and has been a part time student on top of that for 10 years while having 4 babies during that time
@@shannon2740 let's examine the statements just for starters. I think "part time student for ten years" says a lot lol. You can read my full comments in the comment thread. This woman is bad news.
True that
@@imonlyheretoarguewithidiots I think you are right mate. Even if we consider that having 4 babies while working and "studying", let's say we take a year per baby, that's 6 years to complete 60 hours. That's 10 hours a year! She might have mental health issues and finds life overwhelming. She needs help. Something is not right with the wife. She didn't work during the summer even though "they" are paying debt. She's not supporting him.
However, listening to this man, I know he's a lot. He probably comes back home all frustrated already and pays little attention to the kids.
They both need a reality check.
The ability of Dr. Delony to see through, no matter what the callers situation or initial description of it, to see the actual reason and pain is incredible! Not just in this episode of the show, but at any call he received. He is listening to what a person has to say and sees what is behind and real reason or problem is. Thank you so much for this show! ❤
Bro, the husband is drowning in paying bills and paying off wife's student loans. I'm sure the wife hasn't once thanked or reassured him in the 10 years that everything was going to be okay.
He’s amazing!!!
@@emrys1196 I think you missed the nuance of the call. The husband has unrealistic anxiety because he doesn’t like himself. The complaints about the wife are not real problems. He’s just looking for things to be critical about. His wife works full time and raised four kids. She’s not lazy.
@SecretVictorious the kids go to school the majority of the day 8 to 9 hours so the mother doesn't have to do much. Their not infants or toddlers, so that excuse is out the window. She's a teachers assistant so it's part-time and gives her more time at home than the kids. The OP is logical in wanting a second good income that his wife said she wanted in case of emergencies. Their good right now but the wife is taking advantage of the stability instead of planning ahead. John doesn't get it because there fine now but what happens if something does happen like a flood or a violent storm or unforseen medical bills. The husband wants the wife's support to build their finances up so that he doesn't have to worry anymore. He gets it since he was raised in a poor household. It's not that deep that everyone is making it out to be.
Wow, this man is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders! God please give him the wisdom and the strength to be the person he needs to be.
I thunk he's creating a lot of stress for himself. He really needs to chill a bit. I got a knot in my stomach just listening to his anger. His wife sounds depressed to me.
@@debbielockhart7762 I really felt for this man too. I think I have more drive than my fiancé and I won’t lie, sometimes it worries me. The work ethic, courage to follow through with goals and discipline to be financially responsible. All you want is for your partner to pull their weight. That’s all. And I sympathise with this man.
@@debbielockhart7762 thats like saying depressed people are making themselves sad. Trauma of your daughter being assaulted can result in anxiety and anger, just like sadness does.
He's carrying the weight of a family that has too many kids and a wife who feels entitled
Being around him do u blame her? Lol
Shout out to all the dads/ husbands out there providing for their families for 30+ years and never complaining about it once.
Absolutely.
I’ll take “Humans That Don’t Exist” for $500. You want a slave to stand around and absorb all the bullshit, not a husband. Communicating is very important.
they always complain about it. they take it out on their wives and kids in weird ways and everyone resents them. being vulnerable is the only way to be a good dad.
Yep. Real men
@@cookinsteve9281they do exist.
"Shes your WIFE" Exactly. She ISNT SUPPOSED TO BE DESPERATE. That means you did your job.
Theres more than one job in a marriage, though..
He is not her daddy, he's her husband. They need to cooperate and work together.
@SludgeMan90 you've got a long way to go
@@Array8 Yeah? How long exactly 🧐?
@SludgeMan90 as long as it takes for you to figure out marriage isn't about your needs. It's not about you anymore. It's "how can I do my best to make my partners life easier?" Vice versa.
Calling all men everywhere… it’s perfectly ok to be vulnerable and scared. This one ☝🏽 cut deep. I was not ready for the depth of this pain, shame and guilt. Thank you Dr. Delony for your gift of this podcast for Brian and all of us out here looking for help.
Dr. Del has a gift for discernment. It's terrific to witness.
Oh man. This episode was beautiful. The caller is easy to dislike at first and winds up being so real and relatable. Nice one Dr John.
This is one of the best moments I've seen on this show. That man truly had so much self discovery. I had a feeling Dr. John truly helped him change his life on this call
Maybe if he would take a break from relationships he would have found himself a long time ago!
I sure hope so because he sounds like a real piece of work… kind of made me wonder about the ex-wife being an “emotional terrorist”
This guy's first call was to blame his wife for his daughter's su*cide attempt, on the radio, the day after it happened. The day AFTER.... He had not made an effort to talk to his daughter. He had not made an effort to find out WHY or HOW she got to that point....he called into the radio, to moan to strangers for attention, and he LOVED it. I don't know how he found time SO QUICKLY to get on a public airwave and triangulate his child's tragic circumstance to paint an evil image of her mother. It made me so sick at the time that I recognized his voice immediately and couldn't believe I had the misfortune of hearing it again. Listen to him mention her attempts on this call. It sounds like she did it AGAIN since he first called in, and he can still only think of himself. He's not a father. I'm glad she knows that.
The only explanation for his daughter's su*cidal depression that he could give was them being home together during the pandemic, which had been "hard" on him. Hint, hint...HIM... And when he calls in this time, he describes their prior interaction as being about his wife being an "emotional terrorist" with a chuckle rather than mentioning any kind of a family struggle or hardship with a child.
People who grew up without the ability to emotionally cope can be very, very good at false contrition to juice up on sympathy before going back to let it out on their inner people. Cowards trading on moments of fake vulnerability to keep people in their favor. It is at the heart of so much family tragedy as trust seems possible. Just sharing b/c if you compare his two calls, the manipulation is incredibly dark and sad for all of the children. I hope I don't hear his voice a 3rd time but if I do, I can't imagine it would suddenly show any genuine empathy toward his kids or that he'd be able to demonstrate accountability for the damage he's caused. I wonder if it seems like he made a lot of self discovery because Dr. John is so good at helping people "get there"...Brian just had to follow along.
@@bettysmith4527yeah people need to figure themselves out before entering serious relationships in my opinion. At least to an extent. A healthy partner will hopefully guide you on that path but many don’t.
I don't necessarily appreciate the tone Dr. Delony used with him. I felt he could've been way more conscientious with that. But yes, very helpful.
This sounds like my husband when he was deeeep in anxiety and depression. It was actually hard to listen to for me because it brought up some not great emotions and memories for me.
Dr John impresses me with his ability to cut through the bull and get to the heart of things.
I think the wife's depressed he's carrying the load
All this loser of a doctor does is assumes that there is an underlying issue for everything a male caller brings up. The woman has been racking up debt for 10 years on loans, continuously failing while he is working tirelessly to make an income to support the family and her education. All Dr. John does is say hey buddy, your wife is perfect in her actions, what's going on with you, are you cheating, do you dislike your wife, are you no longer attracted to her? With Dr. John its never straight forward, its always there is something else that would make a man have an issue with his wife, because how dare he have a problem with his wife. That's some BS
@@dervon.rodriguezbecause many times, there is an underlying issue. You’re only getting this guy’s side of this.
You aren’t getting hers. Perhaps she’s not the freeloading, ungrateful person he’s making her out to be. Sounds like he’s doing a lot of complaining on what his responsibilities are. She does work, she takes care of the kids too. So it’s not that she isn’t helping. There’s more to this than just his side.
This is the exact situation I was in with my now ex-husband. I mentally couldn't take it anymore, he was inconsolable with his fixations on everything that was "wrong". Together we made $200,000....1 child and a house we put 50% down on because we lived below our means. I could pay the mortgage with 1 weeks paycheck. We had 3 weeks of my paychecks each month PLUS 4 weeks paychecks of his to live on. We had ZERO financial worries yet he was harassing and abusive to me daily about money concerns. Who can live like that??
I actually like this caller. I totally understand the feeling of financial fears. I respect my husband’s feelings and anxiety about money. We go over a budget together and set boundaries and I want him to feel like he has a help mate not a dead weight.
I feel like you're the only person who got it right, he's the ship, but his wife should be the anchor.
Yeah, I got the feeling he has a strong work ethic and intends to be a provider, but he wasn't seeing the stress his wife was going through at the same time.
@@JKNat9004 If all things are considered, the we should take into account the fact that the wife is NOT supportive of his financial concerns as he expressed in the call. She doesn't have a sense of urgency, which is what men of his caliber needs. she doesn't need to be the breadwinner, but follow through on your goals and be understanding when the husband has some concerns regarding the future of the family.
@@HALFAMAZINGTVexactly. I could easily look past the fact that it took her more time to get the bachelors degree. But no 7 times as much time. So he may be burnt out and frustrated, but she is most certainly not helping the situation at all. She’s only laying it on thicker. I get where he’s coming from.
I agree about how she could help with budgeting and everything. But I grew up with a stay at home mom and THAT was her being an anchor for the family and anyone who thinks raising 4 kids is "not working" has lost their mind. I find it absolutely INSANE the expectations that are put on women these days. My dad ADORED my mom and HAPPILY and GRATEFULLY paid for everything. It was his JOY to spoil my mom...surprise her with new clothes, dates, flowers, meals out, dancing, new housing etc.
Put all the kids in FULL TIME daycare for the summer and see how much that adds up to...she is contributing AT LEAST that much. Now hire a maid and a cook for the summer. If she is not a 100% slob/hoarder/non-cook....
Then she is doing those jobs at least part time. Add those part time salaries up...she is doing AT LEAST that much of a contribution.
I bet it adds up to WAY more than 40k per year that he CLAIMS he would be so happy with. Then add dealing with a rage filled, anxiety riddled, unappreciative partner...that can literally make a person sick to be around.
Yes, they need to VALUE each other, and help each other...and find solutions without blame.
If he couldn't support a family/childcare then why in the heck did they decide to have a family? What do men think providing for a family MEANS???????
I get what he means by desperate. People who struggle with money have a better appreciation of its value rather than those who never felt uncomfortable.
💯 💯💯💯💯
They also have more anxiety when they are actually ok financially b/c they know it can all go away and that anxiety can be suffocating but we call it being realistic. I know b/c I am that way.
The flip side is that they frequently struggle with financial anxiety and, even if they're doing well enough, still feel as if they are struggling to stay afloat because that's all they've ever known. Then people who've never had to experience that see that their needs are met and that there is some level of financial security and feel comfortable. Then the financially anxious get frustrated when everyone around them doesn't participate in that anxiety
@@LuluBeLuluThat’s what therapy is for.
@@LuluBeLuluyes!! My husband frees up with not much $$. He is 45 and has a really good job and never seems to be able to accept that We as a family are o.k. And I did not grow up like that so he gets mad at Me for not having the anxiety You mention.
Brian so glad you called in. Praying you and your daughter heal from what that man did to her. Praying you are able to heal. And praying you and your wife can come to an agreement about your financial path.
You can't put a price on a parent being home with 4 kids. There has to be adult supervision. She's working most of the year, 4 kids and school, yes, it's gonna take a long time! Classes are not always available when it's convenient for your schedule.
Agreed. And if he's so concerned about her passing that test, why doesn't he offer to take care of the kids for a day so she can study and be successful? Then she could get her education finished and make the extra money he's so obsessed about. But, as John said, then he'll find something else to rag on her about. No wonder she's shutdown.
@@avtircaritas8229she needs to quit
@avtircaritas8229 because he has to work 70 hrs a week to barely be much over the cusp which gives his financial anxiety? She needs to take accountabikity to the 3xpenses shes acxeuing and the financial hardship. She sounds disconnected to the finances altogether.
Plus he mentioned he works 70 hours a week, so she has to complete her studies, internships, and student teaching while he's not able to help with the kids & house.
John, you are amazing. Thanks for supporting that guy in such a compassionate way
She has 4 of his children, works at a school, and trying to get a degree!!!
What the heck else does he expect from this woman.
He does not like his wife!
Finish her 2 years of school in... hmm let's say 6 years at most. I've literally been through this. We were in school, she flunked out and finished in 9 years. I did in 4. When someone's continued failures put a strain on you, why would you want that to continue. Women always try to hide behind kids. He's a father as well. And he puts the roof over the head. What's so hard to understand about this situation?
10 years implies purposely holding back, she’s not the main provider and saving her own money for each credit hour as some single mothers have had to do and still did it in the normal 3-5 years.
@@3dakainsaneshe’s also working a full time job doing all of this and as he said “I am a lot” this dude is living in survival mode for some reason although it seems like he doesn’t have to be and he resents her for not living in survival mode with him
Probably one of the best I've heard. Amazing job getting to the underlying issue that had nothing to do with his current wife.
This is probably one of the best calls of this show!!! Great Job Dr. Delony!! Helped me understand how some men deal with stress and emotions.
Fortunately, he got in touch with the right person. Many don't and just give up and cash in their chips. That situation is more common than can be imagined.
So his wife spends all summer looking after 4 kids at least one of which is not biologically hers and has severe mental health/emotional problems and he has nothing good to say about her and thinks she is lazy? Maybe he should price up how much a sitter or daycare would charge to look after a 15 year old with mental health problems as well as the other four kids and then he’ll realise how much his wife really saves him financially!
Yeah, no wonder it took 10 years.
Wow...Dr. Delony, such insight.
You should listen to whole thing. He admits he was wrong for attacking wife and the real issue he's having is much deeper and with himself.
He also specified that they have her ton of student debt they're paying off, some mortgages are high AF, so I would think that paying for a nanny while the wife has no income for 3months wouldn't be feasible being down to 1 income for couple months because bills catch up and childcare is not cheap either.
Not shaming the wife for taking the 3 months summer off after full time teaching the rest, but sounds like she is constantly failing tests that take a lot of cash to keep retaking each time.
One can also assume after every so years that passes she may need updated books/classes depending and they certainly aren't cheap either.
Idk how many times she's done this if it's gone into thousand(s?) and how spread out the times were taking because it really does add up fast here and there.
SAHMs have definitely saved up or found programs to go to classes at night or studied full time at home doing full child care and gotten their degrees, why is she failing it so many times to get a higher degree in a field she already has some similar education/experience in?
He also sounds like he has high anxiety around money, also specified that she hasn't been through being desperately broke/poor (or close to) like he has, and while that is his problem to go to therapy to fix(how can he if he has no time working 70hours a week or money to) she isn't helping if she's possibly burning through cash and not listening to him when he communicates that it's hurting/frustrating him.
But we are only hearing his side of the story, hers might be different.
He should just ditch that defective family and start a new one in all honesty.
He should be proud that he provides enough for his wife to be at home to care for the children all summer.
Yep ✨👌
You're forgetting the 10 year student debt.
She should be working to pay off her debt. She should be more thankful
That like a big corporation telling the underpaid employees they should be grateful they have a job. He feels under appreciated, that is the wife’s failure.
@@MrRolloBagginsshe only didn’t work for the 3 months, she went to school and worked and raised the children. He said she works just didn’t work 3 months.
He's held everything in and now he's letting it all out at once. I can feel his frustrations and I think he needs to take a step back and knock down each problem one at a time not all at once. This was a tough call. Him and his wife are 2 adults with no clue where they're heading. The world is deciding their fate, not them
Shouldnt have knocked her up w 4 kids. This is the problem men want unlimited sex n no responosbility n when divorce happens woman shouldn't not ask for any support. Sad
This might be the greatest Dr. John Delony episode of all time. Such a roller coaster, and a masterclass in how to probe deeper into the true root of the problem as a therapist.
I like how John just says and feels things as they are right away. From tones and how things are said.
Dont marry for lust
"The only common factor in all of your unhappy relationships is you." He needs to change, although he has the provider / work ethic part down. That's a good start.
DrJohn is always on point! What a blessing.😊
This reminds me so much of my exhusband. So completely unhappy with himself and no tools to address it, or self awareness to look at himself as the problem. So he decided I was the issue - I was the reason he didn’t go back to school, have the job he wanted, have the life he wanted. Isolated me from friends, ignored and dismissed and abused me. Cheated for years and put me and our son as low priority in his life. Navigating the rage was a constant battle to protect myself and my son.
As much as he hurt me I know he was hurting. He still doesn’t know how to help himself and he’s having the same issues without me to blame. Sounds horribly lonely. Just glad to be out of the line of fire. I hope more men feeing this way learn to look in the mirror and get help.
You painted the perfect picture of my Ex-husband too. I have a lot of patience that carried me through 12 long years but it was not possible for me to take it anymore. Everybody and I mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON looking at us thought, and said, that we had a perfect Family and how Blessed he was. All, except my Ex husband. You cannot force someone to value you. I was not going to stay behind and allow him to make me and my children feel as if we were not enough. We left. Now he can start all over again with someone else and see if he can get away with putting such little effort as he did with us and feel appreciated by others while he spares no effort in making them feel inadequate.
I love how you ‘weasel’ out the REAL deal of what’s actually going on.
This went from “my wife thinks I’m a cash cow!” To an absolutely broken, hurting, husband & father, who is working so hard on the outside but needs so much more on the inside.
And his daughter now at age 15, NEEDS her dad more than ever and it sounds like she’s testing him to see if he will reject her and prove that she’s the worthless human that she thinks she is. He needs some regular date nights with her, so she knows he’s her safety zone not her deserter!
hi i am the daughter in question. i just wanted to make it clear that i NEVER once blamed my dad. i actually blamed his wife and my own mother. now i realize there is no one to blame but myself. i love my dad and i will never understand why he thinks i hate him 😕
This women is a loser and sometimes I don't think john truly understands how women sometimes suck and they always seem to side with the wives and girlfriends even when they are clearly wrong
@kyleelawson3029 I hope you're doing better now, Kylee. I've had those thoughts too. I never acted on them, but I thought about ending it as well. Just know you're loved. Wishing you all the best
He probably thinks that you hate him because he's blaming himself. If you have your own children some day, you will understand what it feels like to have such an unimaginable amount of love and affection for a small being that you helped make, and watching that being grow up under your care. He is your father....and he might feel guilty because when you needed protection the most, he was not there and he feels responsible for that. He might feel as though he failed you. He mentioned a letter you wrote him when you were 12...and from his perspective, all those feelings you put in that letter reaching out to him, seeking him, might have felt to him like it was confirming that he couldn't protect you.
When you tried to delete yourself...twice....he felt responsible because he couldn't' protect you. Now he probably hates and resents himself for it...because like he said on the call, he doesn't know how to reconcile those feelings and recognize he's not at fault.
@@kyleelawson3029
@@soulanstreets222 i understand that 100%. but i didn’t ever write a letter to him. i don’t know why he says i did because i didnt. i remember being asked to write one letter to all 4 of my parents and thats what i did. but i know he hates himself for everything that happened and it sucks.
“Your responses have been right but that doesn’t mean they’re true” is so good.
I’m so sorry that happened to his daughter. 😢
Has the wife been tested for neurodivergency? Trouble with learning, being exhausted with everything, failing the test over and over again - I'd make sure she finds help if she needs it.
Sounds depressed too "she hardly cares about anything"
@@TheYazmanian or neurodivergent. The behaviour can seem like that, but in reality they are desperate to get stuff done. Procrastinating is one symptom.
@@TheYazmanian yet you wouldn't know which one it is. When you're neurodivergent you get overwhelmed very easily and start to procrastinate.
Shes just lazy
@@theunknownorpheus7396 Please read my comments above and see why there's no way for us to know.
Fabulous session, before our eyes the caller's life is being changed in 30min! Great Dr.JD, you don't just create, you stand for something. ❤
This guy is stressed and burnt out. He must feel like he’s drowning. She’s taken 10 yrs to get her bachelors degree but she has 4 kids and he works a ton of hours so she most likely takes one class a semester to balance all of her responsibilities. I don’t think that means it’s not her dream career. This poor man needs to save his life and get intense therapy to heal his trauma 🙏
@SOUL SEEKER Yup, I'm alone at 30 and my life is great lol. Nothing but peace. The most stressed out and mentally unhealthy portions of my life have been when I was in relationships
4 kids in 10 years while getting a degree is very hard. And she works fulltime.
@@kellharris2491 excuses.
@SOUL SEEKER it’s not about want. It’s about need.
😅 9:42 😅😅😅😅😅 9:42 9:42😊😊 9:42 9:42
i don't have children but saying that raising 4 kids is nothing is insane to me, it is wild. no duh its taken her 10 years , I struggled without kids and financial support from my parents to make it in 4 years. I can't imagine what she's going through
He said she works at the also she's a teachers aid and is jus off for summer break with four kids
This is what this guy needed. If he'd talked to an Andrew Tate or a Kevin Samuel's or someone else from that community, he'd have just been told he was right, she was wrong, and he needs to divorce her. No accountability whatsoever, but I appreciate that you actually held him to a standard as a husband.
So much is going in this guy life. He has many broken relationships to repair. Hope he can find peace without losing it all.
Wow. This was a whole counseling session for him. What great words of wisdom I hope he takes to heart. I hope he listens back to this call and hear how broken he is.
I agree... I also think his wife should listen to this call as well. Hopefully she'll get some understanding on how he feels... Sad situation.
He is her safety net. She IS NOT his. If he fails, everything collapses. And this is exactly what's killing him.
Why do I feel if a caller said he felt fine with 500$ in the accout with familly and kids the show would rip them a new one but because the wife is not stressed about it but he is (with reason) they insinuate that he's somewhat unreasonable towards his wife?
This is exactly how I feel towards my husband. I’m just his Bank of America and I feel stuck..
@@utopia4life724 Same thing I went through with my ex-wife. This is no longer an age for deadbeat moochers playing house. Even though I was easily able to support the family on my single income, I began to resent her. She was just an adult dependent who could barely keep up with the few responsibilities she had. Despite working 50 hour weeks I was stuck picking up her slack.
Now my new wife is successful in my same field and we have non of the issues I had in my first marriage. We are an actual team, not just one actual adult and an adult dependent.
Drop the dead weight.
She is taking care of 4 children, one of them is NOT hers and has mental problems because of abuse. Safety net is not all about money. It is emotionally as well.
@@jtb357 She also works during school year. It makes more sense financially to take the summers off to care for the high needs kids.
And as far as his 15 year old daughter goes:She tried to end her life twice? Gee, her father is never around, he can’t stand her mother, and he most likely doesn’t bother with her, which she probably thinks is her fault. Hmm…
Her father could be around more if his wife brought in better income.
@@tiffanyroberts5993 The underlying message there is "I would appreciate/love you more if you were more financially useful to the house"
@@tiffanyroberts5993 Not her job. She is already wearing many hats in that marriage. Wife, mother, school teacher, part time student, and doing all the household chores. He is the problem.
The comments are suspiciously devoid of any criticism of the ex-wife who let her boyfriend molest the daughter. He’s the one who got mental health care for his daughter, but somehow it’s all his fault.
@@tiffanyroberts5993 wrong. He could be around more if he didn't remarry and have more children on top of the one who is struggling. He is HER father. She should always have come first.
This was my husband...I graduated from my masters degree. He supported us the whole time I was in school after I finished I couldn't find a job. I took a part time job as a teacher aid. Still looking for work in my field. Pandemic hit...still nothing. Got laid off. He pressured me to take a job as a teacher in his school. He teaches turkish for high school. Still looking for something in my field. After 1 year of that I quit to look for a job full time and the whole time he would call me lazy. Self centered. Tell me I didn't want to work. He was stressed because we had a lot of debt and bills to pay and he took it out on me and blamed me. I cried several times. He gave me the silent treatment and treated suicide. I suggested couples therapy and he refused. After I got a job finally as a bioinformatics developer he stopped treating me that way but I still don't forgive him.
Jeeze...his poor kid. I can understand why he is depressed.
This is what being a man feels like. Being nagged day and night for money.
Crazy that you don’t find anything wrong in your statement. Just imagine a poor father raising kids, paying bills, and your school! Without any additional income. You probably wouldn’t understand but damn feel bad for your husband
@@cristianm6706 he didn’t pay for my school. i took out loans and we don’t have kids.
@@hyrunnisa997lol love how he didn’t apologize for his wrong assumption. Sorry that you had to deal with an unsupportive spouse especially during difficult times like the pandemic. I hope you’re doing well at your new job!
Wow, I relate to this man so much. Living in a constant state of fear, anxiety, frustration, self-loathing, and emotional turmoil. Thankful to have finally decided to see someone for inner healing counseling. This video is the most helpful one I've ever seen. Thank you for what you do.
I applaud 👏🏻 how Dr. Delony uncovered the real root of the situation in such a short time. God bless his knowledge and wisdom.
Dang this was a real one. Hits home for me. Thankful for this guy sharing his story and thanks to John for the help. 🙏
He's been supporting his family for three months, i.e. during his wife's summer break as an assistant teacher, ergo his wife treats him as her cash cow?! Wow! This guy's a head case.
I agree. I’m like wtf
She needs to show him the cost of camps for the kids vs what she’d make as a para to open his eyes
John you were so gracious and kind throughout this because wooooo child, I sure will be stressed.
Wow this was intense 😬 I can just imagine how his wife probably just shuts down bc he's constantly pacing around and anxious bc he feels like he has to be that way or else everything is going to come crashing down.
When you're around a constant anxious person you get to the point where you just go into survival mode, and you either always fight, you leave, or you just shut down. This guy needs to just chill for everyones sake🙁
John is right on track. Such good insight
This guy...wow! looks like he's on divorce #2. The resentment in his voice is brutal. I think he had a different expectation of his life and it's not working out. Bless this family.
@@soulseeker1729 Not even HE says she does not care about her 2 step kids and the 2 she gave birth to (within 10 years). The college degree is one of many things she takes care of. - It is possible that she works more hours per week than him (unpaid and unappreciated, and called lazy). He says he drives trucks 70 hours, but her workload during schooltime when she holds a paid job might be even higher.
btw he also complains about the 150 bucks for the tests she failed. Likely she did not fail 20 times. It is a nuisance to "waste" 150 bucks, and the more severe financial harm is that she could earn more in the same time as soon as she is qualified (and find a job nearby - although some commenters said she is not going to make 40 k in their state) But the 150 bucks (or 300 or 450 for 3 exams) are not going to ruin them. Moreover she is not a shopping alcoholic, these expenditures will not go on forever. Either she passes or she gives up.
Imagine if she chose to get tutoring, so she can pass the math section (or whatever is hard for her with that exam).
Can you imagine his denigrating remarks and his complaints about that ?
He is not there during the week, so all the child care, school appointments and administrative tasks, household chores, shopping she has to handle w/o him. On top of that she DOES have a PAID job. She is "lazy" according to him because he is even jealous of her 3 "free" months in summer when teachers do not work. He is right that she could earn more money with the same amount of hours when she passed the exam - but likely he would find another problem with her. As the test seems to be rather easy, I wonder if that is her passive-aggressive protest (but other commenterss have claimed that the math sections is a problem for quite a few people and many folks have to take the test at least twice). No doubt he is coming down on her hard and it has been going on for 10 years. He may have worn her down.
Not to forget at least 2 pregnancies (heaven forbid she had a post partum blues, or was exhausted) and 2 step children (one of them tried to take her life 2 years before). And you can be sure that the WOMEN take care of the appointments of the girl and supervise her. Either the allegedly so toxic ex that is the mother - or the step mother.
He brings home more money than her, and he works long hours - but I guess in return he can delegate all other time consuming aspects of having a family and a house to the women in his life. (current and former wife).
I think he just doesn’t like women, unless they’re doing some thing for him 😉
This was a beautiful call. I hope Brian has found some peace in this storm. ♡
Financially anxiety but chose to have 4 kids.....
They need to start downsizing
At the beginning of the call I was ready to assume Dr delony would automatically side with the wife, but as I listened to the entire thing I love how he wove it into finding the heart of the pain & fear, the stuff in his past. So good thank you Dr John 👏🏼🙂
This is another woman he married after a divorce in April this year, the guy is clearly stupid in choosing life partners, he dug his own hole.
Is there another video of this caller?
@@wnm8888 yes
Would you please drop the link or video title?
@@wnm8888 try searching his name, city, and state, Dr John Delony. That should get you his first phone call.
Raising 4 kids itself is a full time job. The wife does have a full time job already, she’s just off for 3 months during the summer. Also, with the 4 kids at school age, they required a lot of time and money to keep them occupied during the summer. That’s in addition to keeping the house in order such as cleaning, cooking, fixing stuff.
I don’t think the caller appreciated how much the wife is already doing. With all that going on, it’s already difficult enough to take 1 course a year. I suspect that the wife might also felt burnt out and under appreciated by her husband and kids so she cope with watching TV at home. It’s a cry for help, not laziness.
They need marriage counseling asap before everything falls apart. Then they can make an agreement on how to balance finances and their busy schedule with raising 4 kids, and one with serious mental issues. That’s another part where it can take serious mental stress on someone, even if they are not related.
Mad props to Doc for recognizing that she actually doesn’t want to get the job
So you think taken care of five kids isn’t a job or working
Nah. You’re as bad as the loser husband she has/.
In nine years she’s been pregnant 4 times
That’s an easy 4 years down the drain.
Incredibly powerful session. I hope every father of little children listens to this, forgives themselves, and focuses on prospering in the here and now. I’ve walked this road and can tell you everyone including you will flourish.
Brian I hope you read the comments. Your show here has been like someone writing my story, slightly different story lines but EVERY bullet point has been on target with my feelings and experiences. Thank you for being brave and reaching out and talking and putting it out there for strangers to hear and judge. Scary. I know it’s scary because I had an episode and when one old lady in a circle of those I’m connected to recognized my voice on the show I asked for it to be deleted. And the comments sucked and hurt. Your episode hits hard and gives me a lot to think about and think about what I can work on for myself. All the best to you friend.
Nice comment. Human. I’ve been there and hit home for me too. Went through a great deal of depression…was surrounded by people…but felt alone. Believed I was the only one working for the family…but also didn’t recognize how close to the edge I was because I was really defeated and I felt like a failure at everything. I forced myself to change my outlook. Thank God I did.
We really need to hear from his wife.
Her side of the story.
We don't really, because this is their marriage, not a spectator sport. The person who does need to hear both sides would be a counselor - one they both go to.
The fact that it’s on a universally accessible podcast certainly opens it up for us listening to speculate! 😅
Not saying it’s “woke” but hey 🤷♀️
We did hear. Between the lines. That man completly denies her contribution. And on top calls her lazy.
@@catherinenelson4162lmao you mean going to a certified idiot ? Lmao they get paid to hear your bs lol take they’re paycheck away and they wouldn’t give a F which means it’s a waste of time it’s joke a scam grow up and solve your own problems if you go to counseling your WEAK and a CHILD toughen up and figure it out
@@franziskani Bingo. He didn't have 3 kids from his body.
Brian has been through a lot. Hope he can get help to work through his past and have peace in his life.
I love John and plain speaking does the job.
You did an amazing job walking through that, and balancing the hard truth with the right amount of support to keep him moving forward. Incredible.
I really resonate with this caller. I have a strong fear of not thinking about everything around me because I’m typically a lazy, dysfunctional person. I struggle with self-defeating thoughts, and tend to go quiet. It’s been the main reason I don’t look for a relationship because I don’t want my partner to go through this.
Mom is taking care of FOUR kids, works, cooks, cleans, car pools, doctor appointments. Dads have no idea how much time and effort this takes. His issues are more within him than what his wife is doing
She doesn’t work. He even said that. She goes to school during the school year and takes the summers off. She also took 10 years to get an 18 month degree.
@@evanl889 men don’t understand the amount of work it takes running a house and being responsible for 4 kids
@@reeseerhardt7052what a stupid comment, there are countless male primary care givers and just as many women working to provide, anyone with half a brain would be annoyed at an 18 month degree taking a decade take your misandry somewhere else
@@reeseerhardt7052he was literally explaining to us how she doesn’t take care of the house and just sits around watching tv lol
So stop failing the test and wasting money down the drain. It has nothing to do with cooking and cleaning. It also probably was her idea to have 4 kids , not his
I was real angry at this guy at the beginning of the call. Now I'm just angry at myself. This guy is me.
The missing piece in this scenario is that he does a job where he can’t help with kids, ever. Both my husband and I were on career paths when we had kids, however he seemed to think he should have cart Blanche to spend as much time as necessary to be successful and I was almost 100% on the hook for childcare + working full time. I wish there had been a grandparent around to help us out, but there wasn’t. So I ended up quitting my job to be at home with the kids and he has resented me ever since, even though he was making half a million a year.
Exactly!
Sitter wasn't an option discussed? I am not saying neglecting the children, but having a balance where both of you could financially contribute. Some people want their spouses to be financial contributors of the household (probably one of the reasons he was attracted to you) and and they see no much value in staying at home partners hence your husbands resentment. Everything you spend to him seems like you are spending "too much " you as a family never have "enough ".
@@neisci You get it.. It's the sense of urgency that counts, not always the act.
@@neisci Agree, if he was making half a million and she was also working they could have someone to care for the children and someone to help clean and cook.
@@V.E.R.O.WHY on earth would she want to spend most of any paycheck she makes on childcare instead of raising them herself??? It is a JOB to raise kids...that is why you have to pay a stranger to do it. It is so bizzare that so many people have lost respect for the carreer it is to raise children. It is a noble profession to try to raise children with quality character, morals, values, and a loving heart. Long after your career chasing money, it is having adult children as your dearest friends that makes life so meaningful. Money isn't everything. If I was a millionaire, I would be DELIGHTED to provide for my partner to stay home...my PLEASURE to make their life EASIER. I wouldn't feel resentful about taking care of my family.
Dr. John you are a true gift to this community you and your team have brought together. Thank you so much for your strength based perspective. These conversations are so important.
I’m a retired teacher. Being a women, mother, and a teacher is EXAUSTING. Never mind adding student on top of it. Go to your kids school and just deal with the NOISE level. Hell, let her have the summers off. Give her nervous system a rest. LOVE HER!
Not to mention what are kids going to do through the summer with mom working… paying for camps for little ones is expensive
@Kroh13maybe she should pay her own student debt.
Don't get married. You become one. That's the point. You don't want that don't get married. Period. You can't cherry pick and choose the things you feel like doing in marriage. @@timothy2491
Being a man who has support 6 people on a single income with a wife who won’t get on the page on spending is EXHAUSTING.
That’s life. You don’t get a free pass just because you’re a woman.
This couple needs to get on a budget , and she needs to get her keister in gear to get her certification done, and go get a higher paying job.
@@BENR8108 she turned 3 years into 10 years. Realistically she should get out of the program
As someone who was a stay at home mom, before I entered the workforce, some of us don’t understand money and how hard it is to make. My marriage ended for many reasons, I became a single mom and it was definitely an awakening experience. Both people in this relationship are contributing to its demise. She needs to see how hard he works in appreciate that by respecting the finances. And he needs to see that she’s a stay at home mom and that’s not an easy job. Teens have to be supervised more closely than most people think. I feel for this family.
From the time I was 10 I had no supervision outside of school. When people make comments about teen supervision it blows my mind.
A stay at home mom is nothing compared to working a 70 hour per week job. Get in touch with reality.
@@Caine_House stay at home mom is 24/7 hours a job with no pay😅
@@sarahm.7081 You've resorted to lying now? 24/7 when you have to sleep as well and everybody knows stay at home mum's aren't doing hard work at all times of the day. They get a lot of time to relax. Plus why would you get paid for raising your own children. You're deluded.
@@Caine_House you never stop being the mother of your child. You are mum in sickness and in health, you bring up your offspring, wash them, clothe them, feed them, do home work with them, support them, guide them, shop for them. You wake up at night when they are still tiny and it ls feeding time (or when they are teething and they scream at the top of their lungs right in the middle of the night, effectively depriving you of sleep for days and weeks in a row). You clean up their vomit, do the school runs if they are not homeschooled, Iron their clothes... and you get blamed whenever they are caught misbehaving or if the house is not immaculate by 6.30pm, with dinner ready and steaming while your body is prepared for "nightly duties"
You raise your child to become a productive and well ajusted person who will contribute positively to society. All this combined with being a supportive wife to your husband.
It is indeed à 24/7 job, which many look down upon because yeah, apparently the only women worthy of respect (if I hear you) are the ones that choose to slave away for a boss that only cares about the money they bring in and can replace them in a heartbeat, while they are left to go back to their cats and teenage kids who know their Instagram friends more than their mom🤷🏾♀️
Right ? Is it closer to your truth?
Actually people can take a decade. This woman works and has four kids and a whiny angry husband. Give her a break Delony.
Wow what an awsome call,men have such a hard time i do hope he gets the help he needs to get whole
Holy moly…. This is me. My poor husband, my poor children. The anxiety is real.
I do believe this man forced his wife to contribute financially; she chose school but it’s not her dream, it’s his.
it's 2022. You are delusional if you believe a truck driver's income can support four kids and a spouse. They are in it as team, not him alone. She needs to uphold her own part.
@@HALFAMAZINGTV You may be surprised how much you could make considering the overtime.
@@denimchicken8080 Very True and good point. Then the question remains how much will backbreaking overtime continue before they both realize that it isn't sustainable.
@@HALFAMAZINGTV I agree with you. breadwinner anxiety is real and there aren’t enough conversations being had around that topic.
@@HALFAMAZINGTV when your whole family’s financial viability is on your shoulders (especially now a days lol) that’s a heavy load to carry for one person.
I am so blessed to have a partner (15 yrs.) that grew up just like me. Financial issues & expectations must be addressed before even talking about an engagement.
News Flash: As of July 2022, the take home pay for a special needs aid or teacher, in Wyoming, starting off, after taxes is far less than the $40K Brian stated he would want his wife to make. Just one of the many unrealistic expectations he has.
That what republicans do.
I just want to reach through and give this man a hug.
He had no idea how exhausting being a stay at home mom can be. She doesn’t care because of the resentment she feels on a daily basis,
Whilst trying to juggle being lonely in her marriage and home with kids all day. Someone needs to show this guy what it would cost in a year for childcare for 4 kids. She makes more than he does in salary when you lay out if you had to pay someone else to watch the kids so she could go to work. That’s insane to me he feels that way.
I didn’t listen to his first call, but I have a strong suspicion that maybe HE was the “emotional terrorists’ in his last relationship. He doesn’t seem to appreciate anything about anyone- everyone else is the problem and it’s never him. Ugh can’t stand people like him.
I agree, listening to him gives me anxiety. I can't imagine how tense he must be with his wife and kids. I'm sure his wife does a lot of housework just to keep up with 4 kids it's a lot.
Had the same feeling
Narcissism
Rule #1 …….it’s always the man’s fault. 😂
. She could also be just a lazy slob, he’s working himself to death to pay for the house AND her college that she is dragging out and racking up more debt. Sitting on her butt while her house and marriage explodes……….unacceptable.
@@dwhunter8904You guys always say that. It's getting old by now. If he was talking to the wife; he would redirect her back to herself, instead of blaming her husband. Y'all are just allergic to introspection.
Conversations like this are what our young men & women need to hear during dating. Marriage is Work. It's awesome to be in love.
I think this is one of dr. John's best calls on his part. He did a great job
People put forth effort when they feel appreciated. He needs to start thanking her for all the little things she does.
True
Why doesnt she have to do the same for him to put forth effort?
Nah sounds like bs
I’ve been listening to your show for about a year now and I always have confidence that you will know how to help the caller. While you were talking to the first caller, I did NOT think it would end well. But I wanted to start cheering and clapping for how well you helped the caller!! Amazing!
What a great call, that a lot of hard work men need to hear. Wonderful. God bless you John and Brian. I hope your daughter and wife and you get the healing y'all need!!
Whoa, heavy call! Did not expect all the twists and turns it took. I really think this guy needs regular counseling to complete the path Dr D started him on. Dr D surely has some magic in his bag but, I don't see how a single 30 min call will overcome the issues he has been through for so long. Prayers for his sake and his families that some healing and peace make there way into the house.
I think wifey is taking a beating. Not everyone is capable of earning 60 credits in 1 - 2 years while raising a family, holding down a job, taking care of a home and husband that is on the edge
10 years
If it took 3-4 years that’s understandable but 10 YEARS??? It’s perfectly unstable why he’s upset
@suds9365 Money, energy, and time considerations come into play when you are currently putting in overtime plus for two jobs.
@frleaks6482 You didn't listen: she already IS working as a teacher's assistant or whatever - all school year.
@@rheinhartsilvento2576 summer job
I feel so much like this guy. It doesn't matter how many times or how I say how scared I am "we are always fine"
His story does not add up. He complains that she doesn't work, but then states that she works in a school and then she looks after the kids during hols.
Works, 4 kids, getting a bachelor's. Sounds like work to me.
I laughed when he claimed she watches TV all day. That sounds not possible.
Selective hearing. He also said shes been working on this basic degree for 10 years lol making 0 money
I’m confused with that as well
She's not working during the summer because she's a teacher. My friend's wife works at a school the seasonal money puts more stress on him.
He said she works at the school but clearly said she refused to work this last school year i guess u didnt catch that
I just listened to this on the podcast app on my phone. I came here to say that at first, I was so angry at this caller. However, as time passed, I felt compassion for this man. We never know what someone is dealing with when they seem harsh towards our loved ones or us. I am not excusing that at all. But there is always more to the story. I hope he gets some additional help. My heart breaks for him! You are not alone!!
I honestly feel compassion for this man, He doesn't have the tools to navigate his family problems and unfortunately he seems to have a woman who sounds non chalant about their financial goals..I wish this family well
What a great episode, showed the power of Dr John listing asking and probing. Incredible. You have given them a chance. Hats off Dr John. 😭
Very well handled John. Looking at it from both side's interests, challenging and affirming to unpick the knots the caller has tied himself into. Hope they work it out.
that was such a stressful call to listen too. he is a ticking time bomb and I hope he gets the help he needs
I hear pain and desperation in this trucker mans voice. I feel for him. ❤
What a powerful discussion. You can't help but feel the trauma from all sides of the family - him (working so hard on the road), her (working full time and trying to take a class here and there), the daughter (trying to bury her hurt and pain)...I hope he had that pivotal conversation with his wife and they went to the battlefield together.
It starts by making the phone call; good on you Brian! It’s really hard, and all of this is going to be hard. Stay strong ; one day at a time, brother 😎