@@skaziblu I don't think we missed it. There are many ways to see this situation and we don't have all the details. John has his way of reading it but he too is far from an expert and I'm sure he would acknowledge it.
John still missed the main op problem. The wife promised a good paying job after she graduates so the husband continued to provide for the family. In the ten years leading up to the wife's test she didn't hold up her end. So he's not wrong to get upset when she is constantly failing the final test that will lead to him and his wife's better future.
@harrykashouli9774 my wife and I were actually surprised by his take in this video. John telling OP " you don't like your wife admit it" and things like that were insane. OP spent 10 years providing for most with his truck driving that isn't easy and when the wife is at the finish line she fumbles not once but multiple times.
@@emrys1196 yeah, John went into his "wife defending mode" as always, and forgot that his wife and the caller's leech wife are not the same freaking person!
@@harrykashouli9774 I'm surprised almost nobody called this out. It feels like John was attacking the guy from the very beginning and trying to make him admit things that aren't even there or relevant to OPs struggle.
I think I get what he is TRYING to say. I grew up dirt poor and I've really built something amazing and my husband is just racking up debt and acts like he could not care less. It's overwhelming.
i think a lot of us understand the frustration. i'm in the same boat, always trying to save my husband's problem. during the process of healing, i realized I wasn't allowing my husband to be an adult and take responsibility of his mess. i slowly backed off from his problems and i guess i was giving him too little of the benefit in the past. he's becoming more and more responsible. i don't believe we'll ever hit utopia, but i like what i am seeing so far. best of luck to you.
Cut off your husband's spending until he reins himself in. Give him an allowance. Anything beyond the allowance should call for a discussion. Limit his credit and debit cards. If necessary, have him take a Lyft or Doordash route.
This guy even gave me anxiety listening to him!! But damn what actually lies beneath him makes completely sense, feel sorry for the dude. Hope he finds peace
Me too. He cannot properly communicate and sounds a bit depressed. He is anxious because he doesn’t feel supported, but doesn’t know how to say it. I feel bad for him and his wife. They need to learn how to talk and compromise. If they can’t, then they need to move on.
It's not that he doesn't feel supported...it's that he feels anxious because his wife doesn't feel the same thing he does. He's not actually being honest with her that he's struggling with anxiety and feeling anxious about it. So when she rightfully says that things are financially solvent, he thinks she's dismissing him when in fact he's not really expressing what's going on with him. She's not a mind reader. If the budget is in the black or green...why would she pretend as if it's in the red? @@daCubanaqt
The ending made me tear up. What a strong man, for enduring this horrible thing that happened to his daughter, for enduring this all-consuming guilt and for calling and having the courage to be vulnerable. I really hope things get better
I thunk he's creating a lot of stress for himself. He really needs to chill a bit. I got a knot in my stomach just listening to his anger. His wife sounds depressed to me.
@@debbielockhart7762 I really felt for this man too. I think I have more drive than my fiancé and I won’t lie, sometimes it worries me. The work ethic, courage to follow through with goals and discipline to be financially responsible. All you want is for your partner to pull their weight. That’s all. And I sympathise with this man.
@@debbielockhart7762 thats like saying depressed people are making themselves sad. Trauma of your daughter being assaulted can result in anxiety and anger, just like sadness does.
I’ll take “Humans That Don’t Exist” for $500. You want a slave to stand around and absorb all the bullshit, not a husband. Communicating is very important.
they always complain about it. they take it out on their wives and kids in weird ways and everyone resents them. being vulnerable is the only way to be a good dad.
I think wifey is taking a beating. Not everyone is capable of earning 60 credits in 1 - 2 years while raising a family, holding down a job, taking care of a home and husband that is on the edge
Man I went from thinking this guy was a tool to feeling so much empathy for him all in about 6 minutes. People are really complex and you cant just look a the surface emotion man. This was so eye opening
This guy is stressed and burnt out. He must feel like he’s drowning. She’s taken 10 yrs to get her bachelors degree but she has 4 kids and he works a ton of hours so she most likely takes one class a semester to balance all of her responsibilities. I don’t think that means it’s not her dream career. This poor man needs to save his life and get intense therapy to heal his trauma 🙏
@SOUL SEEKER Yup, I'm alone at 30 and my life is great lol. Nothing but peace. The most stressed out and mentally unhealthy portions of my life have been when I was in relationships
My blood pressure went through the roof listening to this call. I can't imagine how tense I'd feel living in that home. I hope for his family's sake he finds some peace.
@@imonlyheretoarguewithidiots how do you know this? She works full time. Has four kids and has been a part time student on top of that for 10 years while having 4 babies during that time
@@shannon2740 let's examine the statements just for starters. I think "part time student for ten years" says a lot lol. You can read my full comments in the comment thread. This woman is bad news.
@@imonlyheretoarguewithidiots I think you are right mate. Even if we consider that having 4 babies while working and "studying", let's say we take a year per baby, that's 6 years to complete 60 hours. That's 10 hours a year! She might have mental health issues and finds life overwhelming. She needs help. Something is not right with the wife. She didn't work during the summer even though "they" are paying debt. She's not supporting him. However, listening to this man, I know he's a lot. He probably comes back home all frustrated already and pays little attention to the kids. They both need a reality check.
The ability of Dr. Delony to see through, no matter what the callers situation or initial description of it, to see the actual reason and pain is incredible! Not just in this episode of the show, but at any call he received. He is listening to what a person has to say and sees what is behind and real reason or problem is. Thank you so much for this show! ❤
Bro, the husband is drowning in paying bills and paying off wife's student loans. I'm sure the wife hasn't once thanked or reassured him in the 10 years that everything was going to be okay.
Mom is taking care of FOUR kids, works, cooks, cleans, car pools, doctor appointments. Dads have no idea how much time and effort this takes. His issues are more within him than what his wife is doing
She doesn’t work. He even said that. She goes to school during the school year and takes the summers off. She also took 10 years to get an 18 month degree.
@@reeseerhardt7052what a stupid comment, there are countless male primary care givers and just as many women working to provide, anyone with half a brain would be annoyed at an 18 month degree taking a decade take your misandry somewhere else
So stop failing the test and wasting money down the drain. It has nothing to do with cooking and cleaning. It also probably was her idea to have 4 kids , not his
Most people dont want to heal. It's easier to blame other and be a victim. As long as being a victim is profitable (financial, emotional, attention) some will stay a victim until the day they die. And probably carry that into the afterlife
@@BboyRacingwhat more? She keeps four kids, a full time job, and went to college while doing all that. I don’t see how that’s doing nothing. It may not be what he wants - should she get a second job to pay for daycare for the younger kids while the teenager(s?) runs unsupervised and wild during the summer?
I actually like this caller. I totally understand the feeling of financial fears. I respect my husband’s feelings and anxiety about money. We go over a budget together and set boundaries and I want him to feel like he has a help mate not a dead weight.
Yeah, I got the feeling he has a strong work ethic and intends to be a provider, but he wasn't seeing the stress his wife was going through at the same time.
@@JKNat9004 If all things are considered, the we should take into account the fact that the wife is NOT supportive of his financial concerns as he expressed in the call. She doesn't have a sense of urgency, which is what men of his caliber needs. she doesn't need to be the breadwinner, but follow through on your goals and be understanding when the husband has some concerns regarding the future of the family.
@@HALFAMAZINGTVexactly. I could easily look past the fact that it took her more time to get the bachelors degree. But no 7 times as much time. So he may be burnt out and frustrated, but she is most certainly not helping the situation at all. She’s only laying it on thicker. I get where he’s coming from.
I agree about how she could help with budgeting and everything. But I grew up with a stay at home mom and THAT was her being an anchor for the family and anyone who thinks raising 4 kids is "not working" has lost their mind. I find it absolutely INSANE the expectations that are put on women these days. My dad ADORED my mom and HAPPILY and GRATEFULLY paid for everything. It was his JOY to spoil my mom...surprise her with new clothes, dates, flowers, meals out, dancing, new housing etc. Put all the kids in FULL TIME daycare for the summer and see how much that adds up to...she is contributing AT LEAST that much. Now hire a maid and a cook for the summer. If she is not a 100% slob/hoarder/non-cook.... Then she is doing those jobs at least part time. Add those part time salaries up...she is doing AT LEAST that much of a contribution. I bet it adds up to WAY more than 40k per year that he CLAIMS he would be so happy with. Then add dealing with a rage filled, anxiety riddled, unappreciative partner...that can literally make a person sick to be around. Yes, they need to VALUE each other, and help each other...and find solutions without blame. If he couldn't support a family/childcare then why in the heck did they decide to have a family? What do men think providing for a family MEANS???????
Exactly. That's a full time job. Unpaid labour. Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
I agree with you, but to play Devil’s advocate, he said “summer vacation” because she works at a school and the kids all go to school for the majority of the year. The July-August break from school is commonly called summer vacation.
The collective at home parents GROANED when he said she just sat around all day with a range of toddler to teenager all summer with kids. How dense and disrespectful can you be as a husband!
His story does not add up. He complains that she doesn't work, but then states that she works in a school and then she looks after the kids during hols.
You can't put a price on a parent being home with 4 kids. There has to be adult supervision. She's working most of the year, 4 kids and school, yes, it's gonna take a long time! Classes are not always available when it's convenient for your schedule.
We don't really, because this is their marriage, not a spectator sport. The person who does need to hear both sides would be a counselor - one they both go to.
@@catherinenelson4162lmao you mean going to a certified idiot ? Lmao they get paid to hear your bs lol take they’re paycheck away and they wouldn’t give a F which means it’s a waste of time it’s joke a scam grow up and solve your own problems if you go to counseling your WEAK and a CHILD toughen up and figure it out
Calling all men everywhere… it’s perfectly ok to be vulnerable and scared. This one ☝🏽 cut deep. I was not ready for the depth of this pain, shame and guilt. Thank you Dr. Delony for your gift of this podcast for Brian and all of us out here looking for help.
I love how you ‘weasel’ out the REAL deal of what’s actually going on. This went from “my wife thinks I’m a cash cow!” To an absolutely broken, hurting, husband & father, who is working so hard on the outside but needs so much more on the inside. And his daughter now at age 15, NEEDS her dad more than ever and it sounds like she’s testing him to see if he will reject her and prove that she’s the worthless human that she thinks she is. He needs some regular date nights with her, so she knows he’s her safety zone not her deserter!
hi i am the daughter in question. i just wanted to make it clear that i NEVER once blamed my dad. i actually blamed his wife and my own mother. now i realize there is no one to blame but myself. i love my dad and i will never understand why he thinks i hate him 😕
This women is a loser and sometimes I don't think john truly understands how women sometimes suck and they always seem to side with the wives and girlfriends even when they are clearly wrong
@kyleelawson3029 I hope you're doing better now, Kylee. I've had those thoughts too. I never acted on them, but I thought about ending it as well. Just know you're loved. Wishing you all the best
He probably thinks that you hate him because he's blaming himself. If you have your own children some day, you will understand what it feels like to have such an unimaginable amount of love and affection for a small being that you helped make, and watching that being grow up under your care. He is your father....and he might feel guilty because when you needed protection the most, he was not there and he feels responsible for that. He might feel as though he failed you. He mentioned a letter you wrote him when you were 12...and from his perspective, all those feelings you put in that letter reaching out to him, seeking him, might have felt to him like it was confirming that he couldn't protect you. When you tried to delete yourself...twice....he felt responsible because he couldn't' protect you. Now he probably hates and resents himself for it...because like he said on the call, he doesn't know how to reconcile those feelings and recognize he's not at fault. @@kyleelawson3029
@@soulanstreets222 i understand that 100%. but i didn’t ever write a letter to him. i don’t know why he says i did because i didnt. i remember being asked to write one letter to all 4 of my parents and thats what i did. but i know he hates himself for everything that happened and it sucks.
I get what he means by desperate. People who struggle with money have a better appreciation of its value rather than those who never felt uncomfortable.
They also have more anxiety when they are actually ok financially b/c they know it can all go away and that anxiety can be suffocating but we call it being realistic. I know b/c I am that way.
The flip side is that they frequently struggle with financial anxiety and, even if they're doing well enough, still feel as if they are struggling to stay afloat because that's all they've ever known. Then people who've never had to experience that see that their needs are met and that there is some level of financial security and feel comfortable. Then the financially anxious get frustrated when everyone around them doesn't participate in that anxiety
@@LuluBeLuluyes!! My husband frees up with not much $$. He is 45 and has a really good job and never seems to be able to accept that We as a family are o.k. And I did not grow up like that so he gets mad at Me for not having the anxiety You mention.
@@SandraStachowiczLtd We have to take his word for it. he obviously does not participate in daily chores and has no idea how much time it takes. And: If he ever saw her folding laundry while the TV was running, that was her "watching TV all day long".
@franziskani No he is an adult, before he got married and kids. He washed clothes, made his own meals. Listen to what he says... He comes home with a dirty house... If you can take the wife's side you should also take the husband's side also. 10 years for 6 credits is insane. They are drowning in debt and she thinks they are fine with 50 bucks in savings. 4 kids and parents... 50 bucks!!! He should have never had children with this women. You are screwed.
This sounds like my husband when he was deeeep in anxiety and depression. It was actually hard to listen to for me because it brought up some not great emotions and memories for me. Dr John impresses me with his ability to cut through the bull and get to the heart of things.
This reminds me so much of my exhusband. So completely unhappy with himself and no tools to address it, or self awareness to look at himself as the problem. So he decided I was the issue - I was the reason he didn’t go back to school, have the job he wanted, have the life he wanted. Isolated me from friends, ignored and dismissed and abused me. Cheated for years and put me and our son as low priority in his life. Navigating the rage was a constant battle to protect myself and my son. As much as he hurt me I know he was hurting. He still doesn’t know how to help himself and he’s having the same issues without me to blame. Sounds horribly lonely. Just glad to be out of the line of fire. I hope more men feeing this way learn to look in the mirror and get help.
You painted the perfect picture of my Ex-husband too. I have a lot of patience that carried me through 12 long years but it was not possible for me to take it anymore. Everybody and I mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON looking at us thought, and said, that we had a perfect Family and how Blessed he was. All, except my Ex husband. You cannot force someone to value you. I was not going to stay behind and allow him to make me and my children feel as if we were not enough. We left. Now he can start all over again with someone else and see if he can get away with putting such little effort as he did with us and feel appreciated by others while he spares no effort in making them feel inadequate.
He's been supporting his family for three months, i.e. during his wife's summer break as an assistant teacher, ergo his wife treats him as her cash cow?! Wow! This guy's a head case.
This is one of the best moments I've seen on this show. That man truly had so much self discovery. I had a feeling Dr. John truly helped him change his life on this call
This guy's first call was to blame his wife for his daughter's su*cide attempt, on the radio, the day after it happened. The day AFTER.... He had not made an effort to talk to his daughter. He had not made an effort to find out WHY or HOW she got to that point....he called into the radio, to moan to strangers for attention, and he LOVED it. I don't know how he found time SO QUICKLY to get on a public airwave and triangulate his child's tragic circumstance to paint an evil image of her mother. It made me so sick at the time that I recognized his voice immediately and couldn't believe I had the misfortune of hearing it again. Listen to him mention her attempts on this call. It sounds like she did it AGAIN since he first called in, and he can still only think of himself. He's not a father. I'm glad she knows that. The only explanation for his daughter's su*cidal depression that he could give was them being home together during the pandemic, which had been "hard" on him. Hint, hint...HIM... And when he calls in this time, he describes their prior interaction as being about his wife being an "emotional terrorist" with a chuckle rather than mentioning any kind of a family struggle or hardship with a child. People who grew up without the ability to emotionally cope can be very, very good at false contrition to juice up on sympathy before going back to let it out on their inner people. Cowards trading on moments of fake vulnerability to keep people in their favor. It is at the heart of so much family tragedy as trust seems possible. Just sharing b/c if you compare his two calls, the manipulation is incredibly dark and sad for all of the children. I hope I don't hear his voice a 3rd time but if I do, I can't imagine it would suddenly show any genuine empathy toward his kids or that he'd be able to demonstrate accountability for the damage he's caused. I wonder if it seems like he made a lot of self discovery because Dr. John is so good at helping people "get there"...Brian just had to follow along.
@@bettysmith4527yeah people need to figure themselves out before entering serious relationships in my opinion. At least to an extent. A healthy partner will hopefully guide you on that path but many don’t.
That like a big corporation telling the underpaid employees they should be grateful they have a job. He feels under appreciated, that is the wife’s failure.
@@MrRolloBagginsshe only didn’t work for the 3 months, she went to school and worked and raised the children. He said she works just didn’t work 3 months.
Fortunately, he got in touch with the right person. Many don't and just give up and cash in their chips. That situation is more common than can be imagined.
I’m a retired teacher. Being a women, mother, and a teacher is EXAUSTING. Never mind adding student on top of it. Go to your kids school and just deal with the NOISE level. Hell, let her have the summers off. Give her nervous system a rest. LOVE HER!
I just had a thought. Does this guy pick a fight with his wife shortly before this big exam? I was with a guy who did that. Finally he admitted that he was afraid I'd lose interest in him once I got my degree and got a decent job. So he was trying to make sure I failed. And just like this caller, he denigrated and devalued me frequently.
This poor man. I feel bad for him and for his family and especially his daughter for the pain she has. She needs her Dad glad he called and got some help and guidance.
Ya, 4 kids ranging from 5-15 and he says he works 70 hours a week? Sounds like he doesn’t have much of an idea of what she’s really up to. Who is staying with these kids over the summer when they’re out of school and he’s at work 70 hours a week?
@@sammadlin8868 - I don't believe him. Why should anyone believe him? He complained about his ex and now he complains about his current wife and then he will complain about his next wife and so on. This guy will always blame others for HIS choices. He chose these women.
Why did you say "Oh no, he didn't just say that?" Do you believe all wives are created equal? Do you believe women walk on water? You seem to be following a false, self serving, sexist stereotype. I've seen a lot of shitty mothers in my day, and I've seen some real shitty wives, so please advise.
i don't have children but saying that raising 4 kids is nothing is insane to me, it is wild. no duh its taken her 10 years , I struggled without kids and financial support from my parents to make it in 4 years. I can't imagine what she's going through
He's held everything in and now he's letting it all out at once. I can feel his frustrations and I think he needs to take a step back and knock down each problem one at a time not all at once. This was a tough call. Him and his wife are 2 adults with no clue where they're heading. The world is deciding their fate, not them
Shouldnt have knocked her up w 4 kids. This is the problem men want unlimited sex n no responosbility n when divorce happens woman shouldn't not ask for any support. Sad
The comments saying listen to this guy more? He's insulting his wife continuously on this call blaming her for literally all his problems. He referred to his ex wife as an emotional terrorist and said all his wife does is sit at home and watch TV. John is right - this guy has internal problems and is placing the blame on everyone else.
He has a problem with being a provider and isn’t being encouraging at all. He sounds like nothing will ever make him happy. He even admitted to having a huge ego. She sounds tired too
It's the same wife in these two calls. He said that last call was in "April" and this current situation has been going on for 10 years. So just one wife-- there's no ex. And it sounds like she's at least equally to blame, and refuses to address the problem. At least he's trying.
He's insulting his wife like that female caller insulting her husband...calling him a man-child, a loser and she doesn't respect him. Oh, you mean, insults like that? Yet John listened to her and validated her feelings.
Being the soul provider for a household of six would be a complete nightmare. He's pretty calm when you think about it. His frustration, at least partly, I feel, is the fact that his wife could finish her test and potentially see a hefty increase in household income and she is probably dragging her feet doing so. If he gets severely injured or becomes gravely ill, keeping him out of work for an extended period, the family is royally screwed.
Me too, especially the wife who has a job, is doing a bachelor study and takes care of 4 kids alone all day while he's at work. I'm sure she's just as burnt out. I'm a SAHD and doing a 1 year course and even that one takes 1.5 years for me to finish because there's only so many hours in a day. And I don't even have a job or 4 years bachelor to do like the wife.
Especially because Mom is at home dealing with a teenager with potential ptsd, suicidal thoughts and anxiety. Oh and the other 3 kids. I’m sure that’s smooth sailing and everything’s fine
This guy...wow! looks like he's on divorce #2. The resentment in his voice is brutal. I think he had a different expectation of his life and it's not working out. Bless this family.
@@soulseeker1729 Not even HE says she does not care about her 2 step kids and the 2 she gave birth to (within 10 years). The college degree is one of many things she takes care of. - It is possible that she works more hours per week than him (unpaid and unappreciated, and called lazy). He says he drives trucks 70 hours, but her workload during schooltime when she holds a paid job might be even higher. btw he also complains about the 150 bucks for the tests she failed. Likely she did not fail 20 times. It is a nuisance to "waste" 150 bucks, and the more severe financial harm is that she could earn more in the same time as soon as she is qualified (and find a job nearby - although some commenters said she is not going to make 40 k in their state) But the 150 bucks (or 300 or 450 for 3 exams) are not going to ruin them. Moreover she is not a shopping alcoholic, these expenditures will not go on forever. Either she passes or she gives up. Imagine if she chose to get tutoring, so she can pass the math section (or whatever is hard for her with that exam). Can you imagine his denigrating remarks and his complaints about that ? He is not there during the week, so all the child care, school appointments and administrative tasks, household chores, shopping she has to handle w/o him. On top of that she DOES have a PAID job. She is "lazy" according to him because he is even jealous of her 3 "free" months in summer when teachers do not work. He is right that she could earn more money with the same amount of hours when she passed the exam - but likely he would find another problem with her. As the test seems to be rather easy, I wonder if that is her passive-aggressive protest (but other commenterss have claimed that the math sections is a problem for quite a few people and many folks have to take the test at least twice). No doubt he is coming down on her hard and it has been going on for 10 years. He may have worn her down. Not to forget at least 2 pregnancies (heaven forbid she had a post partum blues, or was exhausted) and 2 step children (one of them tried to take her life 2 years before). And you can be sure that the WOMEN take care of the appointments of the girl and supervise her. Either the allegedly so toxic ex that is the mother - or the step mother. He brings home more money than her, and he works long hours - but I guess in return he can delegate all other time consuming aspects of having a family and a house to the women in his life. (current and former wife).
She has 4 of his children, works at a school, and trying to get a degree!!! What the heck else does he expect from this woman. He does not like his wife!
Finish her 2 years of school in... hmm let's say 6 years at most. I've literally been through this. We were in school, she flunked out and finished in 9 years. I did in 4. When someone's continued failures put a strain on you, why would you want that to continue. Women always try to hide behind kids. He's a father as well. And he puts the roof over the head. What's so hard to understand about this situation?
10 years implies purposely holding back, she’s not the main provider and saving her own money for each credit hour as some single mothers have had to do and still did it in the normal 3-5 years.
This was my husband...I graduated from my masters degree. He supported us the whole time I was in school after I finished I couldn't find a job. I took a part time job as a teacher aid. Still looking for work in my field. Pandemic hit...still nothing. Got laid off. He pressured me to take a job as a teacher in his school. He teaches turkish for high school. Still looking for something in my field. After 1 year of that I quit to look for a job full time and the whole time he would call me lazy. Self centered. Tell me I didn't want to work. He was stressed because we had a lot of debt and bills to pay and he took it out on me and blamed me. I cried several times. He gave me the silent treatment and treated suicide. I suggested couples therapy and he refused. After I got a job finally as a bioinformatics developer he stopped treating me that way but I still don't forgive him.
Crazy that you don’t find anything wrong in your statement. Just imagine a poor father raising kids, paying bills, and your school! Without any additional income. You probably wouldn’t understand but damn feel bad for your husband
@@hyrunnisa997lol love how he didn’t apologize for his wrong assumption. Sorry that you had to deal with an unsupportive spouse especially during difficult times like the pandemic. I hope you’re doing well at your new job!
"The only common factor in all of your unhappy relationships is you." He needs to change, although he has the provider / work ethic part down. That's a good start.
Has the wife been tested for neurodivergency? Trouble with learning, being exhausted with everything, failing the test over and over again - I'd make sure she finds help if she needs it.
@@TheYazmanian or neurodivergent. The behaviour can seem like that, but in reality they are desperate to get stuff done. Procrastinating is one symptom.
Wow this was intense 😬 I can just imagine how his wife probably just shuts down bc he's constantly pacing around and anxious bc he feels like he has to be that way or else everything is going to come crashing down. When you're around a constant anxious person you get to the point where you just go into survival mode, and you either always fight, you leave, or you just shut down. This guy needs to just chill for everyones sake🙁
At the beginning of the call I was ready to assume Dr delony would automatically side with the wife, but as I listened to the entire thing I love how he wove it into finding the heart of the pain & fear, the stuff in his past. So good thank you Dr John 👏🏼🙂
And as far as his 15 year old daughter goes:She tried to end her life twice? Gee, her father is never around, he can’t stand her mother, and he most likely doesn’t bother with her, which she probably thinks is her fault. Hmm…
@@tiffanyroberts5993 Not her job. She is already wearing many hats in that marriage. Wife, mother, school teacher, part time student, and doing all the household chores. He is the problem.
The comments are suspiciously devoid of any criticism of the ex-wife who let her boyfriend molest the daughter. He’s the one who got mental health care for his daughter, but somehow it’s all his fault.
@@tiffanyroberts5993 wrong. He could be around more if he didn't remarry and have more children on top of the one who is struggling. He is HER father. She should always have come first.
I grew up poor and I'm the same way. It's called financial trauma. He cares strongly about financial stability and she could care less. It's a mismatch in values.
The missing piece in this scenario is that he does a job where he can’t help with kids, ever. Both my husband and I were on career paths when we had kids, however he seemed to think he should have cart Blanche to spend as much time as necessary to be successful and I was almost 100% on the hook for childcare + working full time. I wish there had been a grandparent around to help us out, but there wasn’t. So I ended up quitting my job to be at home with the kids and he has resented me ever since, even though he was making half a million a year.
Sitter wasn't an option discussed? I am not saying neglecting the children, but having a balance where both of you could financially contribute. Some people want their spouses to be financial contributors of the household (probably one of the reasons he was attracted to you) and and they see no much value in staying at home partners hence your husbands resentment. Everything you spend to him seems like you are spending "too much " you as a family never have "enough ".
@@neisci Agree, if he was making half a million and she was also working they could have someone to care for the children and someone to help clean and cook.
@@V.E.R.O.WHY on earth would she want to spend most of any paycheck she makes on childcare instead of raising them herself??? It is a JOB to raise kids...that is why you have to pay a stranger to do it. It is so bizzare that so many people have lost respect for the carreer it is to raise children. It is a noble profession to try to raise children with quality character, morals, values, and a loving heart. Long after your career chasing money, it is having adult children as your dearest friends that makes life so meaningful. Money isn't everything. If I was a millionaire, I would be DELIGHTED to provide for my partner to stay home...my PLEASURE to make their life EASIER. I wouldn't feel resentful about taking care of my family.
Wow. This was a whole counseling session for him. What great words of wisdom I hope he takes to heart. I hope he listens back to this call and hear how broken he is.
I didn’t listen to his first call, but I have a strong suspicion that maybe HE was the “emotional terrorists’ in his last relationship. He doesn’t seem to appreciate anything about anyone- everyone else is the problem and it’s never him. Ugh can’t stand people like him.
I agree, listening to him gives me anxiety. I can't imagine how tense he must be with his wife and kids. I'm sure his wife does a lot of housework just to keep up with 4 kids it's a lot.
Rule #1 …….it’s always the man’s fault. 😂 . She could also be just a lazy slob, he’s working himself to death to pay for the house AND her college that she is dragging out and racking up more debt. Sitting on her butt while her house and marriage explodes……….unacceptable.
@@dwhunter8904You guys always say that. It's getting old by now. If he was talking to the wife; he would redirect her back to herself, instead of blaming her husband. Y'all are just allergic to introspection.
She's working at a school and raising 4 kids. I'll bet he doesn't help the kids because he thinks he's at full capacity with his job. But, I'll bet he thinks he's helping with the kids
Really? I went vice versa. First "wife can't finish a degree for 10 years and it costs money" , but then "oh,and I am always away while she has a job+ 4(!!!) Kids,how lazy she is". So I disliked him at the end. And.... driving is easy job,not intellectual exactly....so he should not consider himself a star.
Oh no I just started listening to the episode and right away I'm already calling this guy a jerk so now you definitely got me wanting to listen to the whole thing to find out why you said what you said
@@marianemashkalo4182 “Driving is an easy job because it’s not intellectual.” Spoken like a posh, condescending faux intellectual who has never had to stay awake and alert behind the wheel of a ten ton vehicle for fifteen hours straight.
@@BitterComments I actually used to work night shifts in tech support, but yes, it's not driving. I get how my comment might have sounded condescending, that is not what I meant, I think I did not express my thought too well. Of course every honest job is honorable and physical jobs are hard in 1 way, while intellectual- in another way. They are just different and you get tired from both jobs. My comment was more in response to his implication that he's the only one working and she's a lazy teacher(!) with 4 kids at home(1) + he works for 70 hours(!) and yet is magically home every evening. If he rally works that much, comes home and falls asleep immediately then it's not much help with the kids. Something does not add up. And again, working for 70 hours is not a virtue: work smart not hard. Why can't he advance his career to something yes, more intellectual and would pay more for 40 hours. Why not? He can, I am sure, we are intelligent beings, it's in our nature to strive that way. Doing repetitive job for 70 hours is not a virtue, if you think that's condescending - it is not, I assume he can do better, that is actually uplifting. The issues his wife has obviously need addressing, I'd love if she called and John heard her story and advised her on now she can better manage her life and their relationship. Because we hear him whining and that's all. The title made me think I'll hear about an unemployed lady without kids paining her nails and buying clothes or something. The call turned out to be much more complicated and the fact that he sees himself as a victim is also wrong. They both can and should be actors, not subjects in their lives.
“I’m her safety net, I go out and work 70 hours a week!” You’re NOT her safety net, because I guarantee you hold this over her head and make her feel UNsafe.
@Chevy Brinkley THAT PART!! He makes her feel like a burden because he has a one way world view and he sees her difference of approach/opinion as just being disagreeable or not caring as much as he does.
Also he totally ignores that while he's putting in 70 hours a week, she is likely doing most or all of the domestic stuff, including raising his 4 kids.
@@lynnebucher6537 He said that she is does nothing but sits home and watch reality shows, while failing her exams. Even john said that she doesn't want it that bad. So, we can't except one area, but not except her not willing to take accountability for her own goals that she has set out.
I think a 12 year old kid blaming their father for them killing themselves says a lot. Not sure why it’s being glossed over as in “she doesn’t know anything. She’s a kid”. I hate when people assume kids don’t know anything or can’t see things accurately. This is a big mistake. We have no idea how this man behaves at home.
I was ready to side with him before I heard his tone/attitude and the fact that they have FOUR KIDS. 🤦♀️ I'm glad he can admit he's arrogant, but the next step is to act on that and *listen* to his wife like she's a real human being, and not a lazy, irresponsible idiot.
Right She works as a teacher and going to school He is mad she took the summer off they have 4 kids Teachers have the summer off I think he needs counseling this is his second marriage Sad there daughter has problems
Wife works full time, maybe more as teachers put in a ton of unpaid overtime, goes to school studies, and has 4 kids 24 7, with zero help from him on the homefront? She does not sound lazy
This wife sounds like she has been standing in the gap and protecting his 15 yr daughter at home, at school and in every way. $40k a year will seem worthless if she is successful at her next attempt. This is a bad situation all around and John was right on. I hope this whole family get the help it needs
The daughter is not her daughter, and probably also spends more time or right now with his ex-wife as the courts typically go that way. Personally to me sounds like she’s lazy and not willing to put her fair share in and don’t share the same financial goals or values.
Brian I feel a lot of empathy for your story and I cried listening to it. I grew up with an angry dad but he loved us to bits and he was always working so hard. Too hard. Take John's advice. And work on knowing you are a good dad. And being proud of yourself and dont hate yourself. I love my dad. And I forgiven him for everything. But that doesnt mean I don't still wish for a do over and I wish we can have a closer relationship. I could see he was so lonely but he was too angry and prickly for me to get close. And then I was lonely too.
Brian I hope you read the comments. Your show here has been like someone writing my story, slightly different story lines but EVERY bullet point has been on target with my feelings and experiences. Thank you for being brave and reaching out and talking and putting it out there for strangers to hear and judge. Scary. I know it’s scary because I had an episode and when one old lady in a circle of those I’m connected to recognized my voice on the show I asked for it to be deleted. And the comments sucked and hurt. Your episode hits hard and gives me a lot to think about and think about what I can work on for myself. All the best to you friend.
Nice comment. Human. I’ve been there and hit home for me too. Went through a great deal of depression…was surrounded by people…but felt alone. Believed I was the only one working for the family…but also didn’t recognize how close to the edge I was because I was really defeated and I felt like a failure at everything. I forced myself to change my outlook. Thank God I did.
I really resonate with this caller. I have a strong fear of not thinking about everything around me because I’m typically a lazy, dysfunctional person. I struggle with self-defeating thoughts, and tend to go quiet. It’s been the main reason I don’t look for a relationship because I don’t want my partner to go through this.
News Flash: As of July 2022, the take home pay for a special needs aid or teacher, in Wyoming, starting off, after taxes is far less than the $40K Brian stated he would want his wife to make. Just one of the many unrealistic expectations he has.
Four kids and working as a para professional. She’s busy. He doesn’t appreciate her value to their children. He sounds like he’s jealous that she has the summer off.
@@bffoxjr she's working a full time job and going to school and parenting the kids. she took the summer off from work for the first time to get more time to study for the exam. he says so on the call.
It's like you didn't even listen. Or more like you put yourself in that woman's shoes and immediately started to be defensive. This is why men have such a hard time opening up. Was/is he perfect and/or wrong? Not at all and yes he was wrong. But clearly, his issues were way deeper than a summer off.
Dr. John, this is probably my favorite podcast. You always lay it on the line ALWAYS, you are brutally honest (as am I and I respect that…need that). The tact in which you called this overly angry husband was brilliant. Seeing through his bullshit.
Wow I love how you took this and really gave HIM a starting point for how to actually bring change and try to foster healthy growth. Like you said, if the wife were on too you’d have a hard conversation with her as well. The truth is that the only person we can steward is OURSELF, and how we do that has immense power to impact others for better or worse. Kudos to him for taking that, letting it really sink it and considering it. Hopefully he can lead his family out of the shambles.
John… the Praxis, especially the math portion, is often tough. From what I’m told, most people fail it at least once. Second, yeah it’s taken 10 years to do college!!!!! She’s given birth 2-3 times in that period, she’s working full time, and she’s dealing with a really difficult husband. She probably can only take 1-2 classes per semester. SO WHAT you got YOUR degrees fast… your wife carried your slack and this guy’s wife had 4 kids to care for and a husband who didn’t have her back.
👏 👏 👏👏👏 I work with adult learners as an instructor formerly as an academic advisor. When I was an advisor. I assured my students it wasn’t a race to get their degree. The end goal was still the same. Wether it took two year or ten.
Holy moly…. This is me. My poor husband, my poor children. The anxiety is real. I do believe this man forced his wife to contribute financially; she chose school but it’s not her dream, it’s his.
it's 2022. You are delusional if you believe a truck driver's income can support four kids and a spouse. They are in it as team, not him alone. She needs to uphold her own part.
@@tommystizzle6560 Very True and good point. Then the question remains how much will backbreaking overtime continue before they both realize that it isn't sustainable.
@@HALFAMAZINGTV when your whole family’s financial viability is on your shoulders (especially now a days lol) that’s a heavy load to carry for one person.
She works and has 4 kids and I'm sure does the majority of what needs to be done in the house. 10 years is a long time, but I can understand why she couldn't get the degree done in a year or two. 10 years is a really long time, but she probably feels like she is drowning too. And like John said, she probably feels like it will never be enough for him. He really needs to work on how he expresses and directs his emotions. Even when he was talking about his daughter needing to get help he sounded like he was angry at her. I don't think he really was, but if I was his daughter hearing him talk about it I would feel that he resented me.
Very well handled John. Looking at it from both side's interests, challenging and affirming to unpick the knots the caller has tied himself into. Hope they work it out.
What a powerful discussion. You can't help but feel the trauma from all sides of the family - him (working so hard on the road), her (working full time and trying to take a class here and there), the daughter (trying to bury her hurt and pain)...I hope he had that pivotal conversation with his wife and they went to the battlefield together.
Its also possible that he doesn't need to do that. There are people out there with large bank accounts but are still convinced they are on the verge of bankruptcy. My mom is like that. She has nearly 100k in the bank, her house is paid off, and she has an income that is $2000 over her monthly expenses ... but doesn't want to fix a leaky toilet because she insists that she can't afford it. What she is doing is turning the water supply off to it and only turns it on to flush when she poops. Keep in mind that my husband would do the work for free and all she would have to pay for is the materials. She's been living like this for a year. Its driving me crazy that I can not convince her that she can afford to fix this.
I understand his comments about her having never been desperate. He feels it’s unfair since his whole life has been about being the responsible one. It’s hard to feel connected to someone who’s never been there.
I definitely agree with that sentiment. I dont know that I could be in a relationship with someone who is very privileged (money, looks, status in the race based caste system, etc). When you are the type of person that is willing to get your hands dirty and grind in order to achieve your goals, it's very difficult to be with someone who doesn't share that same mentality. My ex had a family who was very well off. So when our air conditioner broke, it cost like $10000 to fix. Ee needed a crane to put it on the roof. We did not have that kind of money. He asked his parents. I remember being so frustrated because it just seems like such a punk move. At the end of the day, his family had financial resources to help in a crisis, my family did not. He didn't have to suffer and struggle because he had family support. You can't be mad with somebody for solving a problem differently than you would have. This isnt math class. You don't have to show your work. He took care of the situation. Ultimately, the relationship didn't work because I realized that money didn't make me feel safe, being with someone who I could trust is what I needed.
I ended up balling my eyes out listening to this. I can't imagine the parent that has to go through the pain of having their child raped over and over for two years, and then trying to kill themselves twice. That, in itself is trauma for the parent.
God, what a nightmare. If I was a single mom I'd stay single until the kids were out of the house. Unfortunately pedophiles go after single moms in order to have access to kids. 9 times out of 10 molestation is mom's boyfriend or the stepdad.
@@veebliss1266hi! i’m the 15 yr old daughter in this video (16 now) and i would like to let you know that the woman he’s talking about is my step mom and yes she made and still makes mine, my sisters, my mom, and yes my dads life a living hell. and no just so everyone knows i NEVER blamed my dad for ANYTHING.
@@TrishDigginsDesign she’s just insanely mentally abusive and she takes all my dads money and spends it on herself, and she has 4 kids (2 biological) and she treats all of them like trash.
Incredibly powerful session. I hope every father of little children listens to this, forgives themselves, and focuses on prospering in the here and now. I’ve walked this road and can tell you everyone including you will flourish.
I just listened to this on the podcast app on my phone. I came here to say that at first, I was so angry at this caller. However, as time passed, I felt compassion for this man. We never know what someone is dealing with when they seem harsh towards our loved ones or us. I am not excusing that at all. But there is always more to the story. I hope he gets some additional help. My heart breaks for him! You are not alone!!
I honestly feel compassion for this man, He doesn't have the tools to navigate his family problems and unfortunately he seems to have a woman who sounds non chalant about their financial goals..I wish this family well
I went from thinking he’s a terrible person to feeling sorry for him. Financial anxiety and depression is real
When you have someone next to you who isnt on the same page is even worse.
@@BboyRacingyou missed it.. he's creating a home that's hard to win in. Nothings good enough
How would you even think he’d terrible
@skaziblu how? The wife ain't pulling her weight. The wife blamed him for their suicidal daughter. Why can't he be frustrated with his wife?
@@skaziblu I don't think we missed it. There are many ways to see this situation and we don't have all the details. John has his way of reading it but he too is far from an expert and I'm sure he would acknowledge it.
The way john just disarmed him and got him to stop talking about his wife and talk about himself and look at what he has and can do
Like damn, respect
John still missed the main op problem. The wife promised a good paying job after she graduates so the husband continued to provide for the family. In the ten years leading up to the wife's test she didn't hold up her end. So he's not wrong to get upset when she is constantly failing the final test that will lead to him and his wife's better future.
John is useless. He is refusing to see how the wife is a leech, and tells the guy to "suck it up because she is your wife". Absolutely disgusting.
@harrykashouli9774 my wife and I were actually surprised by his take in this video. John telling OP " you don't like your wife admit it" and things like that were insane. OP spent 10 years providing for most with his truck driving that isn't easy and when the wife is at the finish line she fumbles not once but multiple times.
@@emrys1196 yeah, John went into his "wife defending mode" as always, and forgot that his wife and the caller's leech wife are not the same freaking person!
@@harrykashouli9774 I'm surprised almost nobody called this out. It feels like John was attacking the guy from the very beginning and trying to make him admit things that aren't even there or relevant to OPs struggle.
I think I get what he is TRYING to say. I grew up dirt poor and I've really built something amazing and my husband is just racking up debt and acts like he could not care less. It's overwhelming.
dr. balony would say you are the problem hahaha
i think a lot of us understand the frustration. i'm in the same boat, always trying to save my husband's problem. during the process of healing, i realized I wasn't allowing my husband to be an adult and take responsibility of his mess. i slowly backed off from his problems and i guess i was giving him too little of the benefit in the past. he's becoming more and more responsible. i don't believe we'll ever hit utopia, but i like what i am seeing so far. best of luck to you.
Cut off your husband's spending until he reins himself in. Give him an allowance. Anything beyond the allowance should call for a discussion. Limit his credit and debit cards. If necessary, have him take a Lyft or Doordash route.
My husband built something and he’s constantly getting himself in trouble with debt because he wants more. And I bail him out.
Cut him off. I've been you, it's not going to end well. If he loves you he'll get on board with you because he cares about the family.
This guy even gave me anxiety listening to him!! But damn what actually lies beneath him makes completely sense, feel sorry for the dude. Hope he finds peace
Me too. He cannot properly communicate and sounds a bit depressed. He is anxious because he doesn’t feel supported, but doesn’t know how to say it. I feel bad for him and his wife. They need to learn how to talk and compromise. If they can’t, then they need to move on.
It's not that he doesn't feel supported...it's that he feels anxious because his wife doesn't feel the same thing he does. He's not actually being honest with her that he's struggling with anxiety and feeling anxious about it. So when she rightfully says that things are financially solvent, he thinks she's dismissing him when in fact he's not really expressing what's going on with him.
She's not a mind reader. If the budget is in the black or green...why would she pretend as if it's in the red?
@@daCubanaqt
He can fully communicate however he wanted to lie
@@not-even-german4892??? What?? When??
10 yrs to finish a bachelor's?
The ending made me tear up. What a strong man, for enduring this horrible thing that happened to his daughter, for enduring this all-consuming guilt and for calling and having the courage to be vulnerable.
I really hope things get better
Man I’m just 22 not married or anything and these episodes are therapy even for me
Don't get married it's a big scam just hear this caller....
Run man. They are not worth it.
Stay single. Most women are a financial and emotional burden.
@@jshepard152 facts My rule is if her credit score is below 850 she's not Worth it.
@@oroville12345if her body count is greater than 0 then that belongs to the streets
This was a great call. Digging into the caller’s core emotions instead of harping on her behavior was interesting to see unfold.
I agree. At first I wanted to call that guy an a-hole and then it kind of broke my heart.
Wow, this man is carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders! God please give him the wisdom and the strength to be the person he needs to be.
I thunk he's creating a lot of stress for himself. He really needs to chill a bit. I got a knot in my stomach just listening to his anger. His wife sounds depressed to me.
@@debbielockhart7762 I really felt for this man too. I think I have more drive than my fiancé and I won’t lie, sometimes it worries me. The work ethic, courage to follow through with goals and discipline to be financially responsible. All you want is for your partner to pull their weight. That’s all. And I sympathise with this man.
@@debbielockhart7762 thats like saying depressed people are making themselves sad. Trauma of your daughter being assaulted can result in anxiety and anger, just like sadness does.
He's carrying the weight of a family that has too many kids and a wife who feels entitled
Being around him do u blame her? Lol
Shout out to all the dads/ husbands out there providing for their families for 30+ years and never complaining about it once.
Absolutely.
I’ll take “Humans That Don’t Exist” for $500. You want a slave to stand around and absorb all the bullshit, not a husband. Communicating is very important.
they always complain about it. they take it out on their wives and kids in weird ways and everyone resents them. being vulnerable is the only way to be a good dad.
Yep. Real men
@@cookinsteve9281they do exist.
I think wifey is taking a beating. Not everyone is capable of earning 60 credits in 1 - 2 years while raising a family, holding down a job, taking care of a home and husband that is on the edge
10 years
If it took 3-4 years that’s understandable but 10 YEARS??? It’s perfectly unstable why he’s upset
@suds9365 Money, energy, and time considerations come into play when you are currently putting in overtime plus for two jobs.
@frleaks6482 You didn't listen: she already IS working as a teacher's assistant or whatever - all school year.
@@rheinhartsilvento2576 summer job
Man I went from thinking this guy was a tool to feeling so much empathy for him all in about 6 minutes. People are really complex and you cant just look a the surface emotion man. This was so eye opening
Yeah more like the opposite. He’s off his rocker. Thank goodness shes finished school because she’s going to need it. That man is a tool for certain.
Honest question here what does "this man is a tool" mean? Whats a tool in that context?
@@runnerupcsal8241 tool in this context = jerk
@@runnerupcsal8241 an idiot.
@runnerupcsal8241 it means that he's a jerk.
This guy is stressed and burnt out. He must feel like he’s drowning. She’s taken 10 yrs to get her bachelors degree but she has 4 kids and he works a ton of hours so she most likely takes one class a semester to balance all of her responsibilities. I don’t think that means it’s not her dream career. This poor man needs to save his life and get intense therapy to heal his trauma 🙏
@SOUL SEEKER Yup, I'm alone at 30 and my life is great lol. Nothing but peace. The most stressed out and mentally unhealthy portions of my life have been when I was in relationships
4 kids in 10 years while getting a degree is very hard. And she works fulltime.
@@kellharris2491 excuses.
@SOUL SEEKER it’s not about want. It’s about need.
😅 9:42 😅😅😅😅😅 9:42 9:42😊😊 9:42 9:42
My blood pressure went through the roof listening to this call. I can't imagine how tense I'd feel living in that home. I hope for his family's sake he finds some peace.
His wife is 90% of the problem
@@imonlyheretoarguewithidiots how do you know this? She works full time. Has four kids and has been a part time student on top of that for 10 years while having 4 babies during that time
@@shannon2740 let's examine the statements just for starters. I think "part time student for ten years" says a lot lol. You can read my full comments in the comment thread. This woman is bad news.
True that
@@imonlyheretoarguewithidiots I think you are right mate. Even if we consider that having 4 babies while working and "studying", let's say we take a year per baby, that's 6 years to complete 60 hours. That's 10 hours a year! She might have mental health issues and finds life overwhelming. She needs help. Something is not right with the wife. She didn't work during the summer even though "they" are paying debt. She's not supporting him.
However, listening to this man, I know he's a lot. He probably comes back home all frustrated already and pays little attention to the kids.
They both need a reality check.
The ability of Dr. Delony to see through, no matter what the callers situation or initial description of it, to see the actual reason and pain is incredible! Not just in this episode of the show, but at any call he received. He is listening to what a person has to say and sees what is behind and real reason or problem is. Thank you so much for this show! ❤
Bro, the husband is drowning in paying bills and paying off wife's student loans. I'm sure the wife hasn't once thanked or reassured him in the 10 years that everything was going to be okay.
Mom is taking care of FOUR kids, works, cooks, cleans, car pools, doctor appointments. Dads have no idea how much time and effort this takes. His issues are more within him than what his wife is doing
She doesn’t work. He even said that. She goes to school during the school year and takes the summers off. She also took 10 years to get an 18 month degree.
@@evanl889 men don’t understand the amount of work it takes running a house and being responsible for 4 kids
@@reeseerhardt7052what a stupid comment, there are countless male primary care givers and just as many women working to provide, anyone with half a brain would be annoyed at an 18 month degree taking a decade take your misandry somewhere else
@@reeseerhardt7052he was literally explaining to us how she doesn’t take care of the house and just sits around watching tv lol
So stop failing the test and wasting money down the drain. It has nothing to do with cooking and cleaning. It also probably was her idea to have 4 kids , not his
Healing is contagious. As he gets better, he’ll start seeing a side of his wife that he’s never seen before. This episode was deep.
The wife is lazy and trash. He needs to divorce her
But she still needs to get up and contribute to this marriage. I feel him. Ive been there unfortunately.
Most people dont want to heal. It's easier to blame other and be a victim. As long as being a victim is profitable (financial, emotional, attention) some will stay a victim until the day they die.
And probably carry that into the afterlife
@@BboyRacingwhat more? She keeps four kids, a full time job, and went to college while doing all that. I don’t see how that’s doing nothing. It may not be what he wants - should she get a second job to pay for daycare for the younger kids while the teenager(s?) runs unsupervised and wild during the summer?
@TrishDigginsDesign right?! She's been swamped, with a judgmental man telling her that everything she does is worthless.
I actually like this caller. I totally understand the feeling of financial fears. I respect my husband’s feelings and anxiety about money. We go over a budget together and set boundaries and I want him to feel like he has a help mate not a dead weight.
I feel like you're the only person who got it right, he's the ship, but his wife should be the anchor.
Yeah, I got the feeling he has a strong work ethic and intends to be a provider, but he wasn't seeing the stress his wife was going through at the same time.
@@JKNat9004 If all things are considered, the we should take into account the fact that the wife is NOT supportive of his financial concerns as he expressed in the call. She doesn't have a sense of urgency, which is what men of his caliber needs. she doesn't need to be the breadwinner, but follow through on your goals and be understanding when the husband has some concerns regarding the future of the family.
@@HALFAMAZINGTVexactly. I could easily look past the fact that it took her more time to get the bachelors degree. But no 7 times as much time. So he may be burnt out and frustrated, but she is most certainly not helping the situation at all. She’s only laying it on thicker. I get where he’s coming from.
I agree about how she could help with budgeting and everything. But I grew up with a stay at home mom and THAT was her being an anchor for the family and anyone who thinks raising 4 kids is "not working" has lost their mind. I find it absolutely INSANE the expectations that are put on women these days. My dad ADORED my mom and HAPPILY and GRATEFULLY paid for everything. It was his JOY to spoil my mom...surprise her with new clothes, dates, flowers, meals out, dancing, new housing etc.
Put all the kids in FULL TIME daycare for the summer and see how much that adds up to...she is contributing AT LEAST that much. Now hire a maid and a cook for the summer. If she is not a 100% slob/hoarder/non-cook....
Then she is doing those jobs at least part time. Add those part time salaries up...she is doing AT LEAST that much of a contribution.
I bet it adds up to WAY more than 40k per year that he CLAIMS he would be so happy with. Then add dealing with a rage filled, anxiety riddled, unappreciative partner...that can literally make a person sick to be around.
Yes, they need to VALUE each other, and help each other...and find solutions without blame.
If he couldn't support a family/childcare then why in the heck did they decide to have a family? What do men think providing for a family MEANS???????
Being home with 4 kids is NOT a summer vacation
Exactly. That's a full time job. Unpaid labour.
Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood
I agree with you, but to play Devil’s advocate, he said “summer vacation” because she works at a school and the kids all go to school for the majority of the year. The July-August break from school is commonly called summer vacation.
The collective at home parents GROANED when he said she just sat around all day with a range of toddler to teenager all summer with kids. How dense and disrespectful can you be as a husband!
Womp womp life they choose
I didn’t know a vacation meant you just get rid of your kids for the summer
His story does not add up. He complains that she doesn't work, but then states that she works in a school and then she looks after the kids during hols.
Works, 4 kids, getting a bachelor's. Sounds like work to me.
I laughed when he claimed she watches TV all day. That sounds not possible.
Selective hearing. He also said shes been working on this basic degree for 10 years lol making 0 money
I’m confused with that as well
She's not working during the summer because she's a teacher. My friend's wife works at a school the seasonal money puts more stress on him.
He said she works at the school but clearly said she refused to work this last school year i guess u didnt catch that
with 4 kids, she's definitely not just sitting at home all day watching TV
trust dawg, she is. -her step daughter, unfortunately.
Bahahaha. The oldest is 15 lolol. Who you think is doing the house work?
Definitely not. I have 4 kids between 10 and 5. Unless that TV is Disney Plus and Bluey, she isn't watching TV all day.
@@kyleelawson3029sorry you were doxxed in this episode. Confirms that this podcast doesn’t respect anonymity enough.
@@Pfffffddddj162 well yes but at the same time my dad is the one who told me to watch these. why? no clue. but he did lmaooo
You can't put a price on a parent being home with 4 kids. There has to be adult supervision. She's working most of the year, 4 kids and school, yes, it's gonna take a long time! Classes are not always available when it's convenient for your schedule.
We really need to hear from his wife.
Her side of the story.
We don't really, because this is their marriage, not a spectator sport. The person who does need to hear both sides would be a counselor - one they both go to.
The fact that it’s on a universally accessible podcast certainly opens it up for us listening to speculate! 😅
Not saying it’s “woke” but hey 🤷♀️
We did hear. Between the lines. That man completly denies her contribution. And on top calls her lazy.
@@catherinenelson4162lmao you mean going to a certified idiot ? Lmao they get paid to hear your bs lol take they’re paycheck away and they wouldn’t give a F which means it’s a waste of time it’s joke a scam grow up and solve your own problems if you go to counseling your WEAK and a CHILD toughen up and figure it out
@@franziskani Bingo. He didn't have 3 kids from his body.
Calling all men everywhere… it’s perfectly ok to be vulnerable and scared. This one ☝🏽 cut deep. I was not ready for the depth of this pain, shame and guilt. Thank you Dr. Delony for your gift of this podcast for Brian and all of us out here looking for help.
Do people not think about their finances before they have kids? 🤦♀️
Many don't unfortunately
If they did they probably wouldnt have had any! Which many dont no days.
@@Stephen_D421exactly because just 4 years of college alone can cost up to 100k for 1 child.
Ofc they are irresponsible with their finances means they are also irresponsible with sex
Only a few
I love how you ‘weasel’ out the REAL deal of what’s actually going on.
This went from “my wife thinks I’m a cash cow!” To an absolutely broken, hurting, husband & father, who is working so hard on the outside but needs so much more on the inside.
And his daughter now at age 15, NEEDS her dad more than ever and it sounds like she’s testing him to see if he will reject her and prove that she’s the worthless human that she thinks she is. He needs some regular date nights with her, so she knows he’s her safety zone not her deserter!
hi i am the daughter in question. i just wanted to make it clear that i NEVER once blamed my dad. i actually blamed his wife and my own mother. now i realize there is no one to blame but myself. i love my dad and i will never understand why he thinks i hate him 😕
This women is a loser and sometimes I don't think john truly understands how women sometimes suck and they always seem to side with the wives and girlfriends even when they are clearly wrong
@kyleelawson3029 I hope you're doing better now, Kylee. I've had those thoughts too. I never acted on them, but I thought about ending it as well. Just know you're loved. Wishing you all the best
He probably thinks that you hate him because he's blaming himself. If you have your own children some day, you will understand what it feels like to have such an unimaginable amount of love and affection for a small being that you helped make, and watching that being grow up under your care. He is your father....and he might feel guilty because when you needed protection the most, he was not there and he feels responsible for that. He might feel as though he failed you. He mentioned a letter you wrote him when you were 12...and from his perspective, all those feelings you put in that letter reaching out to him, seeking him, might have felt to him like it was confirming that he couldn't protect you.
When you tried to delete yourself...twice....he felt responsible because he couldn't' protect you. Now he probably hates and resents himself for it...because like he said on the call, he doesn't know how to reconcile those feelings and recognize he's not at fault.
@@kyleelawson3029
@@soulanstreets222 i understand that 100%. but i didn’t ever write a letter to him. i don’t know why he says i did because i didnt. i remember being asked to write one letter to all 4 of my parents and thats what i did. but i know he hates himself for everything that happened and it sucks.
I get what he means by desperate. People who struggle with money have a better appreciation of its value rather than those who never felt uncomfortable.
💯 💯💯💯💯
They also have more anxiety when they are actually ok financially b/c they know it can all go away and that anxiety can be suffocating but we call it being realistic. I know b/c I am that way.
The flip side is that they frequently struggle with financial anxiety and, even if they're doing well enough, still feel as if they are struggling to stay afloat because that's all they've ever known. Then people who've never had to experience that see that their needs are met and that there is some level of financial security and feel comfortable. Then the financially anxious get frustrated when everyone around them doesn't participate in that anxiety
@@LuluBeLuluThat’s what therapy is for.
@@LuluBeLuluyes!! My husband frees up with not much $$. He is 45 and has a really good job and never seems to be able to accept that We as a family are o.k. And I did not grow up like that so he gets mad at Me for not having the anxiety You mention.
She's popped out 4 kids while in school and working also. How many spare hours in a day does he think she has?
Enough to watch soap operas all day long in summer time lol
@@SandraStachowiczLtd We have to take his word for it. he obviously does not participate in daily chores and has no idea how much time it takes. And: If he ever saw her folding laundry while the TV was running, that was her "watching TV all day long".
@franziskani No he is an adult, before he got married and kids. He washed clothes, made his own meals. Listen to what he says... He comes home with a dirty house... If you can take the wife's side you should also take the husband's side also. 10 years for 6 credits is insane. They are drowning in debt and she thinks they are fine with 50 bucks in savings. 4 kids and parents... 50 bucks!!! He should have never had children with this women. You are screwed.
Yeah, it's a lot to ask from a woman. It makes me sad what some people expect from women with children, especially 4 of them.
He isn't getting any that's his problem, o and he sounds like a b****** instead of helping
This sounds like my husband when he was deeeep in anxiety and depression. It was actually hard to listen to for me because it brought up some not great emotions and memories for me.
Dr John impresses me with his ability to cut through the bull and get to the heart of things.
I think the wife's depressed he's carrying the load
This reminds me so much of my exhusband. So completely unhappy with himself and no tools to address it, or self awareness to look at himself as the problem. So he decided I was the issue - I was the reason he didn’t go back to school, have the job he wanted, have the life he wanted. Isolated me from friends, ignored and dismissed and abused me. Cheated for years and put me and our son as low priority in his life. Navigating the rage was a constant battle to protect myself and my son.
As much as he hurt me I know he was hurting. He still doesn’t know how to help himself and he’s having the same issues without me to blame. Sounds horribly lonely. Just glad to be out of the line of fire. I hope more men feeing this way learn to look in the mirror and get help.
You painted the perfect picture of my Ex-husband too. I have a lot of patience that carried me through 12 long years but it was not possible for me to take it anymore. Everybody and I mean EVERY SINGLE PERSON looking at us thought, and said, that we had a perfect Family and how Blessed he was. All, except my Ex husband. You cannot force someone to value you. I was not going to stay behind and allow him to make me and my children feel as if we were not enough. We left. Now he can start all over again with someone else and see if he can get away with putting such little effort as he did with us and feel appreciated by others while he spares no effort in making them feel inadequate.
He's been supporting his family for three months, i.e. during his wife's summer break as an assistant teacher, ergo his wife treats him as her cash cow?! Wow! This guy's a head case.
This is one of the best moments I've seen on this show. That man truly had so much self discovery. I had a feeling Dr. John truly helped him change his life on this call
Maybe if he would take a break from relationships he would have found himself a long time ago!
I sure hope so because he sounds like a real piece of work… kind of made me wonder about the ex-wife being an “emotional terrorist”
This guy's first call was to blame his wife for his daughter's su*cide attempt, on the radio, the day after it happened. The day AFTER.... He had not made an effort to talk to his daughter. He had not made an effort to find out WHY or HOW she got to that point....he called into the radio, to moan to strangers for attention, and he LOVED it. I don't know how he found time SO QUICKLY to get on a public airwave and triangulate his child's tragic circumstance to paint an evil image of her mother. It made me so sick at the time that I recognized his voice immediately and couldn't believe I had the misfortune of hearing it again. Listen to him mention her attempts on this call. It sounds like she did it AGAIN since he first called in, and he can still only think of himself. He's not a father. I'm glad she knows that.
The only explanation for his daughter's su*cidal depression that he could give was them being home together during the pandemic, which had been "hard" on him. Hint, hint...HIM... And when he calls in this time, he describes their prior interaction as being about his wife being an "emotional terrorist" with a chuckle rather than mentioning any kind of a family struggle or hardship with a child.
People who grew up without the ability to emotionally cope can be very, very good at false contrition to juice up on sympathy before going back to let it out on their inner people. Cowards trading on moments of fake vulnerability to keep people in their favor. It is at the heart of so much family tragedy as trust seems possible. Just sharing b/c if you compare his two calls, the manipulation is incredibly dark and sad for all of the children. I hope I don't hear his voice a 3rd time but if I do, I can't imagine it would suddenly show any genuine empathy toward his kids or that he'd be able to demonstrate accountability for the damage he's caused. I wonder if it seems like he made a lot of self discovery because Dr. John is so good at helping people "get there"...Brian just had to follow along.
@@bettysmith4527yeah people need to figure themselves out before entering serious relationships in my opinion. At least to an extent. A healthy partner will hopefully guide you on that path but many don’t.
I don't necessarily appreciate the tone Dr. Delony used with him. I felt he could've been way more conscientious with that. But yes, very helpful.
He should be proud that he provides enough for his wife to be at home to care for the children all summer.
Yep ✨👌
You're forgetting the 10 year student debt.
She should be working to pay off her debt. She should be more thankful
That like a big corporation telling the underpaid employees they should be grateful they have a job. He feels under appreciated, that is the wife’s failure.
@@MrRolloBagginsshe only didn’t work for the 3 months, she went to school and worked and raised the children. He said she works just didn’t work 3 months.
This is probably one of the best calls of this show!!! Great Job Dr. Delony!! Helped me understand how some men deal with stress and emotions.
Fortunately, he got in touch with the right person. Many don't and just give up and cash in their chips. That situation is more common than can be imagined.
I’m a retired teacher. Being a women, mother, and a teacher is EXAUSTING. Never mind adding student on top of it. Go to your kids school and just deal with the NOISE level. Hell, let her have the summers off. Give her nervous system a rest. LOVE HER!
I’m so sorry that happened to his daughter. 😢
I like how John just says and feels things as they are right away. From tones and how things are said.
Dont marry for lust
I just had a thought. Does this guy pick a fight with his wife shortly before this big exam? I was with a guy who did that. Finally he admitted that he was afraid I'd lose interest in him once I got my degree and got a decent job. So he was trying to make sure I failed. And just like this caller, he denigrated and devalued me frequently.
Acting like this is a good way to lose one's spouse.
So she has a full time job, college, 4 kids and I'm sure does the lion's share of the chores and she's lazy???wtf...🙄
Ya know she probably does too. Her watching reality tv is probably her watching it while folding mounds of laundry like most mothers do.
18 months of college over 10 years shouldn't even count as college.
Excuses and all excuses are lies which makes her a liar.
I’m watching this show while in the carline to pick up my youngest
18 months of college over 10 years…
This poor man. I feel bad for him and for his family and especially his daughter for the pain she has. She needs her Dad glad he called and got some help and guidance.
Actually cried for this man with this show. Wow how deep.
The guidance was beyond poor
Oh man!! As soon as he said "well my wife just stays at home and watches daytime television" i was like oh no he didnt just say that!!
Ya, 4 kids ranging from 5-15 and he says he works 70 hours a week? Sounds like he doesn’t have much of an idea of what she’s really up to.
Who is staying with these kids over the summer when they’re out of school and he’s at work 70 hours a week?
@@sammadlin8868 - I don't believe him. Why should anyone believe him? He complained about his ex and now he complains about his current wife and then he will complain about his next wife and so on. This guy will always blame others for HIS choices. He chose these women.
@@kdphotos4691 : It sounds like he should sign up with MTGOW and be done with it. In this day and age, marriage has lost most of its significance.
Why did you say "Oh no, he didn't just say that?" Do you believe all wives are created equal? Do you believe women walk on water? You seem to be following a false, self serving, sexist stereotype. I've seen a lot of shitty mothers in my day, and I've seen some real shitty wives, so please advise.
Looking after 4 kids is not a joke it’s hard work 😓 You can even begin to comprehend until she leaves then with you for 3 days straight no help
i don't have children but saying that raising 4 kids is nothing is insane to me, it is wild. no duh its taken her 10 years , I struggled without kids and financial support from my parents to make it in 4 years. I can't imagine what she's going through
He's held everything in and now he's letting it all out at once. I can feel his frustrations and I think he needs to take a step back and knock down each problem one at a time not all at once. This was a tough call. Him and his wife are 2 adults with no clue where they're heading. The world is deciding their fate, not them
Shouldnt have knocked her up w 4 kids. This is the problem men want unlimited sex n no responosbility n when divorce happens woman shouldn't not ask for any support. Sad
The comments saying listen to this guy more? He's insulting his wife continuously on this call blaming her for literally all his problems. He referred to his ex wife as an emotional terrorist and said all his wife does is sit at home and watch TV.
John is right - this guy has internal problems and is placing the blame on everyone else.
He has a problem with being a provider and isn’t being encouraging at all. He sounds like nothing will ever make him happy. He even admitted to having a huge ego. She sounds tired too
It's the same wife in these two calls. He said that last call was in "April" and this current situation has been going on for 10 years. So just one wife-- there's no ex. And it sounds like she's at least equally to blame, and refuses to address the problem. At least he's trying.
He's insulting his wife like that female caller insulting her husband...calling him a man-child, a loser and she doesn't respect him.
Oh, you mean, insults like that?
Yet John listened to her and validated her feelings.
Dude just shouldn't be married period.
Being the soul provider for a household of six would be a complete nightmare. He's pretty calm when you think about it. His frustration, at least partly, I feel, is the fact that his wife could finish her test and potentially see a hefty increase in household income and she is probably dragging her feet doing so. If he gets severely injured or becomes gravely ill, keeping him out of work for an extended period, the family is royally screwed.
This was a beautiful call. I hope Brian has found some peace in this storm. ♡
Fabulous session, before our eyes the caller's life is being changed in 30min! Great Dr.JD, you don't just create, you stand for something. ❤
I would really love to hear from his wife an ex-wife tbh.
Oh me too 🎉
Me too, especially the wife who has a job, is doing a bachelor study and takes care of 4 kids alone all day while he's at work. I'm sure she's just as burnt out. I'm a SAHD and doing a 1 year course and even that one takes 1.5 years for me to finish because there's only so many hours in a day. And I don't even have a job or 4 years bachelor to do like the wife.
Especially because Mom is at home dealing with a teenager with potential ptsd, suicidal thoughts and anxiety. Oh and the other 3 kids. I’m sure that’s smooth sailing and everything’s fine
@@Nathan_Bookwurm Thank you. Then he is gone so much....his choice.
@@Nathan_BookwurmNot "just" taking care of kids but actually going through pregnancy, delivery and nursing, too.
This guy...wow! looks like he's on divorce #2. The resentment in his voice is brutal. I think he had a different expectation of his life and it's not working out. Bless this family.
@@soulseeker1729 Not even HE says she does not care about her 2 step kids and the 2 she gave birth to (within 10 years). The college degree is one of many things she takes care of. - It is possible that she works more hours per week than him (unpaid and unappreciated, and called lazy). He says he drives trucks 70 hours, but her workload during schooltime when she holds a paid job might be even higher.
btw he also complains about the 150 bucks for the tests she failed. Likely she did not fail 20 times. It is a nuisance to "waste" 150 bucks, and the more severe financial harm is that she could earn more in the same time as soon as she is qualified (and find a job nearby - although some commenters said she is not going to make 40 k in their state) But the 150 bucks (or 300 or 450 for 3 exams) are not going to ruin them. Moreover she is not a shopping alcoholic, these expenditures will not go on forever. Either she passes or she gives up.
Imagine if she chose to get tutoring, so she can pass the math section (or whatever is hard for her with that exam).
Can you imagine his denigrating remarks and his complaints about that ?
He is not there during the week, so all the child care, school appointments and administrative tasks, household chores, shopping she has to handle w/o him. On top of that she DOES have a PAID job. She is "lazy" according to him because he is even jealous of her 3 "free" months in summer when teachers do not work. He is right that she could earn more money with the same amount of hours when she passed the exam - but likely he would find another problem with her. As the test seems to be rather easy, I wonder if that is her passive-aggressive protest (but other commenterss have claimed that the math sections is a problem for quite a few people and many folks have to take the test at least twice). No doubt he is coming down on her hard and it has been going on for 10 years. He may have worn her down.
Not to forget at least 2 pregnancies (heaven forbid she had a post partum blues, or was exhausted) and 2 step children (one of them tried to take her life 2 years before). And you can be sure that the WOMEN take care of the appointments of the girl and supervise her. Either the allegedly so toxic ex that is the mother - or the step mother.
He brings home more money than her, and he works long hours - but I guess in return he can delegate all other time consuming aspects of having a family and a house to the women in his life. (current and former wife).
I think he just doesn’t like women, unless they’re doing some thing for him 😉
Probably one of the best I've heard. Amazing job getting to the underlying issue that had nothing to do with his current wife.
People put forth effort when they feel appreciated. He needs to start thanking her for all the little things she does.
True
Why doesnt she have to do the same for him to put forth effort?
Nah sounds like bs
She has 4 of his children, works at a school, and trying to get a degree!!!
What the heck else does he expect from this woman.
He does not like his wife!
Finish her 2 years of school in... hmm let's say 6 years at most. I've literally been through this. We were in school, she flunked out and finished in 9 years. I did in 4. When someone's continued failures put a strain on you, why would you want that to continue. Women always try to hide behind kids. He's a father as well. And he puts the roof over the head. What's so hard to understand about this situation?
10 years implies purposely holding back, she’s not the main provider and saving her own money for each credit hour as some single mothers have had to do and still did it in the normal 3-5 years.
So much is going in this guy life. He has many broken relationships to repair. Hope he can find peace without losing it all.
This was my husband...I graduated from my masters degree. He supported us the whole time I was in school after I finished I couldn't find a job. I took a part time job as a teacher aid. Still looking for work in my field. Pandemic hit...still nothing. Got laid off. He pressured me to take a job as a teacher in his school. He teaches turkish for high school. Still looking for something in my field. After 1 year of that I quit to look for a job full time and the whole time he would call me lazy. Self centered. Tell me I didn't want to work. He was stressed because we had a lot of debt and bills to pay and he took it out on me and blamed me. I cried several times. He gave me the silent treatment and treated suicide. I suggested couples therapy and he refused. After I got a job finally as a bioinformatics developer he stopped treating me that way but I still don't forgive him.
Jeeze...his poor kid. I can understand why he is depressed.
This is what being a man feels like. Being nagged day and night for money.
Crazy that you don’t find anything wrong in your statement. Just imagine a poor father raising kids, paying bills, and your school! Without any additional income. You probably wouldn’t understand but damn feel bad for your husband
@@cristianm6706 he didn’t pay for my school. i took out loans and we don’t have kids.
@@hyrunnisa997lol love how he didn’t apologize for his wrong assumption. Sorry that you had to deal with an unsupportive spouse especially during difficult times like the pandemic. I hope you’re doing well at your new job!
"The only common factor in all of your unhappy relationships is you." He needs to change, although he has the provider / work ethic part down. That's a good start.
Has the wife been tested for neurodivergency? Trouble with learning, being exhausted with everything, failing the test over and over again - I'd make sure she finds help if she needs it.
Sounds depressed too "she hardly cares about anything"
@@TheYazmanian or neurodivergent. The behaviour can seem like that, but in reality they are desperate to get stuff done. Procrastinating is one symptom.
@@TheYazmanian yet you wouldn't know which one it is. When you're neurodivergent you get overwhelmed very easily and start to procrastinate.
John, you are amazing. Thanks for supporting that guy in such a compassionate way
Dang this was a real one. Hits home for me. Thankful for this guy sharing his story and thanks to John for the help. 🙏
Wow this was intense 😬 I can just imagine how his wife probably just shuts down bc he's constantly pacing around and anxious bc he feels like he has to be that way or else everything is going to come crashing down.
When you're around a constant anxious person you get to the point where you just go into survival mode, and you either always fight, you leave, or you just shut down. This guy needs to just chill for everyones sake🙁
At the beginning of the call I was ready to assume Dr delony would automatically side with the wife, but as I listened to the entire thing I love how he wove it into finding the heart of the pain & fear, the stuff in his past. So good thank you Dr John 👏🏼🙂
This is another woman he married after a divorce in April this year, the guy is clearly stupid in choosing life partners, he dug his own hole.
Is there another video of this caller?
@@wnm8888 yes
Would you please drop the link or video title?
@@wnm8888 try searching his name, city, and state, Dr John Delony. That should get you his first phone call.
And as far as his 15 year old daughter goes:She tried to end her life twice? Gee, her father is never around, he can’t stand her mother, and he most likely doesn’t bother with her, which she probably thinks is her fault. Hmm…
Her father could be around more if his wife brought in better income.
@@tiffanyroberts5993 The underlying message there is "I would appreciate/love you more if you were more financially useful to the house"
@@tiffanyroberts5993 Not her job. She is already wearing many hats in that marriage. Wife, mother, school teacher, part time student, and doing all the household chores. He is the problem.
The comments are suspiciously devoid of any criticism of the ex-wife who let her boyfriend molest the daughter. He’s the one who got mental health care for his daughter, but somehow it’s all his fault.
@@tiffanyroberts5993 wrong. He could be around more if he didn't remarry and have more children on top of the one who is struggling. He is HER father. She should always have come first.
I grew up poor and I'm the same way. It's called financial trauma. He cares strongly about financial stability and she could care less. It's a mismatch in values.
The missing piece in this scenario is that he does a job where he can’t help with kids, ever. Both my husband and I were on career paths when we had kids, however he seemed to think he should have cart Blanche to spend as much time as necessary to be successful and I was almost 100% on the hook for childcare + working full time. I wish there had been a grandparent around to help us out, but there wasn’t. So I ended up quitting my job to be at home with the kids and he has resented me ever since, even though he was making half a million a year.
Exactly!
Sitter wasn't an option discussed? I am not saying neglecting the children, but having a balance where both of you could financially contribute. Some people want their spouses to be financial contributors of the household (probably one of the reasons he was attracted to you) and and they see no much value in staying at home partners hence your husbands resentment. Everything you spend to him seems like you are spending "too much " you as a family never have "enough ".
@@neisci You get it.. It's the sense of urgency that counts, not always the act.
@@neisci Agree, if he was making half a million and she was also working they could have someone to care for the children and someone to help clean and cook.
@@V.E.R.O.WHY on earth would she want to spend most of any paycheck she makes on childcare instead of raising them herself??? It is a JOB to raise kids...that is why you have to pay a stranger to do it. It is so bizzare that so many people have lost respect for the carreer it is to raise children. It is a noble profession to try to raise children with quality character, morals, values, and a loving heart. Long after your career chasing money, it is having adult children as your dearest friends that makes life so meaningful. Money isn't everything. If I was a millionaire, I would be DELIGHTED to provide for my partner to stay home...my PLEASURE to make their life EASIER. I wouldn't feel resentful about taking care of my family.
Wow. This was a whole counseling session for him. What great words of wisdom I hope he takes to heart. I hope he listens back to this call and hear how broken he is.
I agree... I also think his wife should listen to this call as well. Hopefully she'll get some understanding on how he feels... Sad situation.
I didn’t listen to his first call, but I have a strong suspicion that maybe HE was the “emotional terrorists’ in his last relationship. He doesn’t seem to appreciate anything about anyone- everyone else is the problem and it’s never him. Ugh can’t stand people like him.
I agree, listening to him gives me anxiety. I can't imagine how tense he must be with his wife and kids. I'm sure his wife does a lot of housework just to keep up with 4 kids it's a lot.
Had the same feeling
Narcissism
Rule #1 …….it’s always the man’s fault. 😂
. She could also be just a lazy slob, he’s working himself to death to pay for the house AND her college that she is dragging out and racking up more debt. Sitting on her butt while her house and marriage explodes……….unacceptable.
@@dwhunter8904You guys always say that. It's getting old by now. If he was talking to the wife; he would redirect her back to herself, instead of blaming her husband. Y'all are just allergic to introspection.
He feels like it's all (everything) is on him.....he feels lonely because she's not hearing him
She's working at a school and raising 4 kids. I'll bet he doesn't help the kids because he thinks he's at full capacity with his job. But, I'll bet he thinks he's helping with the kids
I went from disliking this guy to feeling terrible for him.
Really? I went vice versa. First "wife can't finish a degree for 10 years and it costs money" , but then "oh,and I am always away while she has a job+ 4(!!!) Kids,how lazy she is". So I disliked him at the end. And.... driving is easy job,not intellectual exactly....so he should not consider himself a star.
Oh no I just started listening to the episode and right away I'm already calling this guy a jerk so now you definitely got me wanting to listen to the whole thing to find out why you said what you said
@@marianemashkalo4182 “Driving is an easy job because it’s not intellectual.” Spoken like a posh, condescending faux intellectual who has never had to stay awake and alert behind the wheel of a ten ton vehicle for fifteen hours straight.
He wove a web of lies. Listen to his first call. He's a professional victim.
@@BitterComments I actually used to work night shifts in tech support, but yes, it's not driving. I get how my comment might have sounded condescending, that is not what I meant, I think I did not express my thought too well. Of course every honest job is honorable and physical jobs are hard in 1 way, while intellectual- in another way. They are just different and you get tired from both jobs. My comment was more in response to his implication that he's the only one working and she's a lazy teacher(!) with 4 kids at home(1) + he works for 70 hours(!) and yet is magically home every evening. If he rally works that much, comes home and falls asleep immediately then it's not much help with the kids. Something does not add up. And again, working for 70 hours is not a virtue: work smart not hard. Why can't he advance his career to something yes, more intellectual and would pay more for 40 hours. Why not? He can, I am sure, we are intelligent beings, it's in our nature to strive that way. Doing repetitive job for 70 hours is not a virtue, if you think that's condescending - it is not, I assume he can do better, that is actually uplifting. The issues his wife has obviously need addressing, I'd love if she called and John heard her story and advised her on now she can better manage her life and their relationship. Because we hear him whining and that's all. The title made me think I'll hear about an unemployed lady without kids paining her nails and buying clothes or something. The call turned out to be much more complicated and the fact that he sees himself as a victim is also wrong. They both can and should be actors, not subjects in their lives.
I applaud 👏🏻 how Dr. Delony uncovered the real root of the situation in such a short time. God bless his knowledge and wisdom.
“I’m her safety net, I go out and work 70 hours a week!”
You’re NOT her safety net, because I guarantee you hold this over her head and make her feel UNsafe.
@Chevy Brinkley THAT PART!! He makes her feel like a burden because he has a one way world view and he sees her difference of approach/opinion as just being disagreeable or not caring as much as he does.
Also he totally ignores that while he's putting in 70 hours a week, she is likely doing most or all of the domestic stuff, including raising his 4 kids.
10 years to do half of a degree is ridiculous. You people are delusional
@@lynnebucher6537 He said that she is does nothing but sits home and watch reality shows, while failing her exams. Even john said that she doesn't want it that bad. So, we can't except one area, but not except her not willing to take accountability for her own goals that she has set out.
@@teijmeij7423 Sounds like she is a burden.
I think a 12 year old kid blaming their father for them killing themselves says a lot. Not sure why it’s being glossed over as in “she doesn’t know anything. She’s a kid”. I hate when people assume kids don’t know anything or can’t see things accurately. This is a big mistake.
We have no idea how this man behaves at home.
Exactly. All the vitriol and harsh words he has about his wife are possibly said out loud in the presence of those children.
And this guy is awesome. I’ve done a lot of therapy but too many guys like this out there.
I was ready to side with him before I heard his tone/attitude and the fact that they have FOUR KIDS. 🤦♀️ I'm glad he can admit he's arrogant, but the next step is to act on that and *listen* to his wife like she's a real human being, and not a lazy, irresponsible idiot.
Right She works as a teacher and going to school He is mad she took the summer off they have 4 kids Teachers have the summer off I think he needs counseling this is his second marriage Sad there daughter has problems
Well, she is being lazy, but it may due to depression or just feeling stuck and directionless.
She is irresponsible though. She wastes time on a degree she has no intention of completing while he forks out the money for it.
He's a grown man and needs to act it
Wife works full time, maybe more as teachers put in a ton of unpaid overtime, goes to school studies, and has 4 kids 24 7, with zero help from him on the homefront? She does not sound lazy
This wife sounds like she has been standing in the gap and protecting his 15 yr daughter at home, at school and in every way. $40k a year will seem worthless if she is successful at her next attempt. This is a bad situation all around and John was right on. I hope this whole family get the help it needs
This! And probabily depressed.
The daughter is not her daughter, and probably also spends more time or right now with his ex-wife as the courts typically go that way. Personally to me sounds like she’s lazy and not willing to put her fair share in and don’t share the same financial goals or values.
I was real angry at this guy at the beginning of the call. Now I'm just angry at myself. This guy is me.
Brian I feel a lot of empathy for your story and I cried listening to it. I grew up with an angry dad but he loved us to bits and he was always working so hard. Too hard. Take John's advice. And work on knowing you are a good dad. And being proud of yourself and dont hate yourself. I love my dad. And I forgiven him for everything. But that doesnt mean I don't still wish for a do over and I wish we can have a closer relationship. I could see he was so lonely but he was too angry and prickly for me to get close. And then I was lonely too.
You did an amazing job walking through that, and balancing the hard truth with the right amount of support to keep him moving forward. Incredible.
Brian I hope you read the comments. Your show here has been like someone writing my story, slightly different story lines but EVERY bullet point has been on target with my feelings and experiences. Thank you for being brave and reaching out and talking and putting it out there for strangers to hear and judge. Scary. I know it’s scary because I had an episode and when one old lady in a circle of those I’m connected to recognized my voice on the show I asked for it to be deleted. And the comments sucked and hurt. Your episode hits hard and gives me a lot to think about and think about what I can work on for myself. All the best to you friend.
Nice comment. Human. I’ve been there and hit home for me too. Went through a great deal of depression…was surrounded by people…but felt alone. Believed I was the only one working for the family…but also didn’t recognize how close to the edge I was because I was really defeated and I felt like a failure at everything. I forced myself to change my outlook. Thank God I did.
I really resonate with this caller. I have a strong fear of not thinking about everything around me because I’m typically a lazy, dysfunctional person. I struggle with self-defeating thoughts, and tend to go quiet. It’s been the main reason I don’t look for a relationship because I don’t want my partner to go through this.
I feel so much like this guy. It doesn't matter how many times or how I say how scared I am "we are always fine"
I think this is one of dr. John's best calls on his part. He did a great job
News Flash: As of July 2022, the take home pay for a special needs aid or teacher, in Wyoming, starting off, after taxes is far less than the $40K Brian stated he would want his wife to make. Just one of the many unrealistic expectations he has.
That what republicans do.
Four kids and working as a para professional. She’s busy. He doesn’t appreciate her value to their children. He sounds like he’s jealous that she has the summer off.
I thought she wasn't working yet.
@@bffoxjr she's working a full time job and going to school and parenting the kids. she took the summer off from work for the first time to get more time to study for the exam. he says so on the call.
@@Rosaedora I must have missed that.
I was gonna say the same thing. ( about summer off )
It's like you didn't even listen. Or more like you put yourself in that woman's shoes and immediately started to be defensive. This is why men have such a hard time opening up. Was/is he perfect and/or wrong? Not at all and yes he was wrong. But clearly, his issues were way deeper than a summer off.
Brian has been through a lot. Hope he can get help to work through his past and have peace in his life.
Dr. John, this is probably my favorite podcast. You always lay it on the line ALWAYS, you are brutally honest (as am I and I respect that…need that). The tact in which you called this overly angry husband was brilliant. Seeing through his bullshit.
Wow I love how you took this and really gave HIM a starting point for how to actually bring change and try to foster healthy growth. Like you said, if the wife were on too you’d have a hard conversation with her as well. The truth is that the only person we can steward is OURSELF, and how we do that has immense power to impact others for better or worse. Kudos to him for taking that, letting it really sink it and considering it. Hopefully he can lead his family out of the shambles.
John… the Praxis, especially the math portion, is often tough. From what I’m told, most people fail it at least once. Second, yeah it’s taken 10 years to do college!!!!! She’s given birth 2-3 times in that period, she’s working full time, and she’s dealing with a really difficult husband. She probably can only take 1-2 classes per semester. SO WHAT you got YOUR degrees fast… your wife carried your slack and this guy’s wife had 4 kids to care for and a husband who didn’t have her back.
👏 👏 👏👏👏 I work with adult learners as an instructor formerly as an academic advisor. When I was an advisor. I assured my students it wasn’t a race to get their degree. The end goal was still the same. Wether it took two year or ten.
Yeah he missed on that one.
Sometimes Dr John can be really pretentious here's one of them ☝️
exactly pregnancies are not easy and raising them! working full time as well! that is tough!!
Thank you!!! Excellent point.
Holy moly…. This is me. My poor husband, my poor children. The anxiety is real.
I do believe this man forced his wife to contribute financially; she chose school but it’s not her dream, it’s his.
it's 2022. You are delusional if you believe a truck driver's income can support four kids and a spouse. They are in it as team, not him alone. She needs to uphold her own part.
@@HALFAMAZINGTV You may be surprised how much you could make considering the overtime.
@@tommystizzle6560 Very True and good point. Then the question remains how much will backbreaking overtime continue before they both realize that it isn't sustainable.
@@HALFAMAZINGTV I agree with you. breadwinner anxiety is real and there aren’t enough conversations being had around that topic.
@@HALFAMAZINGTV when your whole family’s financial viability is on your shoulders (especially now a days lol) that’s a heavy load to carry for one person.
John you were so gracious and kind throughout this because wooooo child, I sure will be stressed.
DrJohn is always on point! What a blessing.😊
She works and has 4 kids and I'm sure does the majority of what needs to be done in the house. 10 years is a long time, but I can understand why she couldn't get the degree done in a year or two. 10 years is a really long time, but she probably feels like she is drowning too. And like John said, she probably feels like it will never be enough for him. He really needs to work on how he expresses and directs his emotions. Even when he was talking about his daughter needing to get help he sounded like he was angry at her. I don't think he really was, but if I was his daughter hearing him talk about it I would feel that he resented me.
Very well handled John. Looking at it from both side's interests, challenging and affirming to unpick the knots the caller has tied himself into. Hope they work it out.
What a powerful discussion. You can't help but feel the trauma from all sides of the family - him (working so hard on the road), her (working full time and trying to take a class here and there), the daughter (trying to bury her hurt and pain)...I hope he had that pivotal conversation with his wife and they went to the battlefield together.
Dr. Del has a gift for discernment. It's terrific to witness.
He’s busting his butt and nobody cares. He’s all alone in keeping things afloat. He’s working 70 hours!
Its also possible that he doesn't need to do that. There are people out there with large bank accounts but are still convinced they are on the verge of bankruptcy. My mom is like that. She has nearly 100k in the bank, her house is paid off, and she has an income that is $2000 over her monthly expenses ... but doesn't want to fix a leaky toilet because she insists that she can't afford it. What she is doing is turning the water supply off to it and only turns it on to flush when she poops. Keep in mind that my husband would do the work for free and all she would have to pay for is the materials. She's been living like this for a year. Its driving me crazy that I can not convince her that she can afford to fix this.
Yep. It gets old too. I got stuck with an ex like that. Just wouldn’t work. Wouldn’t do anything. Got real old real fast.
I understand his comments about her having never been desperate. He feels it’s unfair since his whole life has been about being the responsible one. It’s hard to feel connected to someone who’s never been there.
I definitely agree with that sentiment. I dont know that I could be in a relationship with someone who is very privileged (money, looks, status in the race based caste system, etc). When you are the type of person that is willing to get your hands dirty and grind in order to achieve your goals, it's very difficult to be with someone who doesn't share that same mentality.
My ex had a family who was very well off. So when our air conditioner broke, it cost like $10000 to fix. Ee needed a crane to put it on the roof. We did not have that kind of money. He asked his parents. I remember being so frustrated because it just seems like such a punk move. At the end of the day, his family had financial resources to help in a crisis, my family did not. He didn't have to suffer and struggle because he had family support. You can't be mad with somebody for solving a problem differently than you would have. This isnt math class. You don't have to show your work. He took care of the situation. Ultimately, the relationship didn't work because I realized that money didn't make me feel safe, being with someone who I could trust is what I needed.
You have to listen to the entire call where he talked about his daughter’s trauma. He has a lot of anger and underlying issues
He's tired of caring the load and sees a bleak future. He feels like a man without a team.
I ended up balling my eyes out listening to this. I can't imagine the parent that has to go through the pain of having their child raped over and over for two years, and then trying to kill themselves twice. That, in itself is trauma for the parent.
God, what a nightmare. If I was a single mom I'd stay single until the kids were out of the house. Unfortunately pedophiles go after single moms in order to have access to kids. 9 times out of 10 molestation is mom's boyfriend or the stepdad.
The MOTHER is toxic!
@@veebliss1266hi! i’m the 15 yr old daughter in this video (16 now) and i would like to let you know that the woman he’s talking about is my step mom and yes she made and still makes mine, my sisters, my mom, and yes my dads life a living hell. and no just so everyone knows i NEVER blamed my dad for ANYTHING.
@@kyleelawson3029wow. How does she do that?
@@TrishDigginsDesign she’s just insanely mentally abusive and she takes all my dads money and spends it on herself, and she has 4 kids (2 biological) and she treats all of them like trash.
Incredibly powerful session. I hope every father of little children listens to this, forgives themselves, and focuses on prospering in the here and now. I’ve walked this road and can tell you everyone including you will flourish.
This was the most real and honest interview I’ve ever heard
That guy has so much resentment for his wife, I hope she leaves. It’s probably not safe for her.
I just listened to this on the podcast app on my phone. I came here to say that at first, I was so angry at this caller. However, as time passed, I felt compassion for this man. We never know what someone is dealing with when they seem harsh towards our loved ones or us. I am not excusing that at all. But there is always more to the story. I hope he gets some additional help. My heart breaks for him! You are not alone!!
I honestly feel compassion for this man, He doesn't have the tools to navigate his family problems and unfortunately he seems to have a woman who sounds non chalant about their financial goals..I wish this family well
I just want to reach through and give this man a hug.