My Husband Won’t Get a Real Job and I Do All the Work
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- Опубликовано: 7 фев 2025
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My Husband Won’t Get a Real Job and I Do All the Work
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It’s not salvageable. Once a woman loses respect for a man, she can’t get it back. She will always see him in that light no matter what he does. Respect is gone, then attraction is gone, and contempt takes its place.
Well he leaves is cr...p on the toilet after he uses it! There is a brush next to the toilet for a reason....! I could not live a day with someone like that....
He works on loosing respect towards himself very much.
That's so true. I'm currently trying to regain the respect and trust (to be a logical human)
@@xdxdxdxd4575 probably not fast enough
@@nagmerrie4600 good luck. Once it’s gone it’s gone.
I love how Dr. Delony explained that this is an issue of integrity, not ignorance. Hubby knows what is needed but refuses to do it and gets ",emotional" when the wife brings it up. This is manipulation.
What strikes me the most is that she defines him as a good fatber although he is unemployed and will not take his kids to doctor's appointments or pick them up from school when sick. Very loose definition of good father which seems to be just being physically present.
Last observation, a conclusion that I think she hss already drawn too - anyone who loves or respects you will not leave all the physical work, mental work and financial load to you.
I was confused about that as well she was better off saying he’s the father of my kids so I don’t kick him out
Probably had a low bar set by her own dad. Where him just being at home is better than what she had.
I agree @@arc8584
Yeah it's almost as if he thinks he's a western woman in a typical western marriage. The only thing missing is he doesn't have a day time talk show to back up his behavior. No Dr. Phil, no Phil Donahue, no Ricki Lake. He should claim his wife is abusive..saying nonsensical stuff like "financially abusive" or "emotionally abusive" you know, phrases that women use all of the time to gaslight society and divorce judges, phrases that don't mean anything. The template is there for him, all he has to do is use it. He should put a restraining order on her, and have her kicked out of the home she has to provide for him, and then not get to live in it. Things that happen do THOUSANDS of men every day.
I tell men this all the time. Even if she’s not working, you need to have some sort of purpose that occupies your time. Nothing will cause a woman to lose attraction for a man quicker than seeing him doing absolutely nothing.
So true.
Idle hands are the devil’s playthings.
Don't we all strive to have as much leisure time as possible? I mean, if both are contributing equally to the work load, why hold against him if he has a lot of free time?
@@SaintCyrXit wouldn’t be a problem if they were both carrying the household-but they’re not. he’s not doing anything, so he is a dead weight
Totally agree.
Funny though, even if he built a business and sold it for millions, she’d be saying the same thing lol. Not to mention she used the word “partner”. Why anyone would marry someone like this is insane.
He is probably the type of guy that washes the dishes but dosn't get them clean. Then says she is controlling or expects him to be a mind reader when she says the dishes are still dirty.
That is exactly what I am thinking. I know of wives doing this to now divorced friends. My own wife can get nitpicky of my time with kids when I am working 2 jobs.
EXACTLY! You get it. Why does she have to parent him? Of course there is stuff that has to be talked over because people have different standards. But he doesn’t work, so why didn’t he teach HIMSELF the household stuff
100% I don't get what Delony is thinking. It's very obvious
I try to get the dishes into the dishwasher, before my husband can badly wash them . 😁 He won’t use it .
Weaponised incompetence
Dr. John it's clear this man has refused to be a team with his wife intentionally. She's a married single mother. It is frustrating that people always insist on giving grace to men that are clearly choosing to disrespect themselves by being a child. It's not about reading her mind, he is a freaking adult that should know to clean up and raise children that you made.
Divorce is horrible but in this case this man should have never been married.
Nah, she wants everything done when she wants and doesn't want to compromise
Couldn’t agree more. Grace to men like this only enables their behavior. 20 years of marriage and he acts like he never knows what his wife wants from him.
Also, he’s clearly cheating on her with a neighbor. The “volunteering” is cover.
@@Softie-oz2weLaughable is making someone clean the toilets when you have someone come do it. Lol, what a psycho
@@Softie-oz2we You are only hearing one side of the story. I noticed John didn't make her answer the question about her telling him he's doing things wrong all the time. She denied having someone else, but admitted to feelings for men that give her compliments.
@@FourEyedOwl 💯 it's very unfortunate.
I’m hearing: I bring home the money, I’m working to sustain this family financially, he volunteers, and I’m still the one doing majority of the house work and doing a lot of the child caring. If that’s the case, that sounds frustrating. It seems like the reason she has “streamlined” things is because her husband has left her to do all of it. If he doesn’t know what needs to be done for a house to stay clean after 20 years of marriage and having kids… yikes!
She sounds delusional
Yeah she sounds like she's way over stretched
@@mlwsmp it sounds like she is looking for things to complain about because she likes the attention.
She is probably 40 something and gets ignored outside the home now. So sad, MANY MANY such cases
@@nly4607 if she were looking for something outside the home, she'd find it. Single men always generally want a girl around.
@@nly4607 ummmm... Did you LISTEN?
That Schlub has NEVER had a job. Ignores calls about his children, refuses to take part in upkeep of the family home WHILE HOME ALL DAY.
Absolutely not.
This dumb ass will be dropped like the worthless bowling ball he is.
Sounds like you're of the same breed. Or 12.
Dr. D. is a better therapist for men. He holds women responsible for men's behavior more than the reverse.
i disagree. he’s definitely must up a few times gon both side but it’s on a case by case bases. Can’t be perfect
I'm not feeling this video. Sounds like Jon is making excuses for weaponized incompetence.. they have been together 20 years.. he KNOWS HOW TO LOAD THE DISHWASHER
Her story to me is inconsistent, sometimes it is like as you explain, but other times its she is mad because its not done when and how she likes.
I agree
@@kelsybobelsySo pretty
@@stevenw3988I feel like Delony put that on her though. She even said herself she really isn't nitpicky. My guess is he does a bad job on purpose. A lot of stuff women are "nitpicky" about are just basic things that are ignored. Like scrubbing a teflon pan with steel, or mopping and not sweeping first. They are things you just need to learn about when keeping house and when corrected the other person gets upset, but it just takes a bit of thought and care. She wants him to unload the dishwasher. He can manage that.
@@kelsybobelsy Those things are learned, I worked at a catering place full of women and I was the one telling them not to use steel utensils in the teflon pans. Some things are not intuitive to everyone. I am guessing there is a lot of communication issues here. Remember this is just her point of view, if he is actually doing this on purpose I would assume she is probably just as guilty in this case. I could be wrong but I feel there is more to it.
He's unemployed and they pay someone to clean their house? Why isnt he just doing the housework as his job if shes working all day outside the house? Like most calls, i need the other side.
Exactly
Because he's a bum!
What “other side” can there possibly be? He doesn’t work, but does nothing to contribute around the house. He has a provider wife and still does nothing, not even press to button to run the already loaded dishwasher.
There's kids that can clean the house? Why isn't anyone else pointing this out?
Really teach your boy children to do household chores, how to clean the bathroom, how to wash dishes and some basic cooking skills.
Don’t raise sons to be more man-babies in the world!
I changed more diapers than my wife and didn't need a manual. This trope of being a charmingly incompetent man at basic things, yet we can come up with quantum physics is silly.
@@crowncliff THIS .👆Thank you.
It's silly but very common
Ty 💯🎯
Yet, you don't understand evolution of humans as hunters and gathers
Yes, thank you. I am a woman and when my first child was born I didn’t know ANYTHING also how to change the diaper. But I had to do it so I did it. I think it’s a simple thing - just do what needs to be done.
Lazy is the biggest turn off
8:46 come on John dont play dumb. Shes heen telling him for 20 years to clean the toilet and he still can't be bothered i really dont think saying she expects him to read her mind is fair at all. Even if she never mentioned it he should still know to clean the toilet. Sad that even intelligent men like john make these same excuses
I agree it's weaponized incompetence. This might be sorta random, but how do you feel about married men that visit strib clubs?
He is cleaning the toilet. She just wants the attention from complaining and nitpicking.
VERY common in women her age who are now treated as invisible in our society
@@nly4607God, man.
You miserable so and so.
Every comment you troll
No wonder women stay away from you.
Sheesh.yikes.
Your mama hate you?
I personally think going to the strip club as a married man is cheating but everyone gets to make the rules of their own relationship and to each their own @@christophera4364
@@nly4607can you elaborate on this?
Someone once told me the most important thing in a marriage is respect, not love. This woman's husband clearly does not respect or listen to her, so it makes sense she doesnt respect him either
I agree. Theres a deep love in my marriage but when we get upset with each other its respect that kicks in so that we don't treat each other poorly in those moments. Respecting each other more is always something we work on, especially in a young marriage. Our kids will NEVER see in us what I saw between my parents.
Spot on! I have always told friends that respect outweighs love in partnerships/relationships!!
Not at all. She asked for help, he asked for details and she stormed off in a huff. She's causing problems by expecting him to read her mind. Combative at every turn.
@@nobodyofvalueCorrect. After repeating herself for 20 years. Sounds valid, honestly
@@klickingkayasmr7585 After 20 years of doing it, i'm not surprised nothings changed. Maybe she should reconsider her approach, instead of the same thing repeatedly.
How can you as a man NOT work? Whether that’s inside our outside the home, it’s so bizarre. Just living off your wife with no contribution?? It’s sickening
I had a friend who supported her husband for 15 years before she realized he was a loser.
@ these men will drag you and your future down with them 😭
You mean like most women?
Because he’s hoping she’ll get sick of him and file for divorce so he can get child support, alimony, half the house worth (or keep the house), and start openly dating the side chick he met through “volunteering.” 🙃
@ when you push a baby out of your vagina maybe your opinion will matter
I dont know how people put up with this for so long 😧
Kids.
19 years is a very long time dealing with a man child😩
You can put up with a lot if you believe it’s for the best of your kids, as she clearly did.
She's better off alone than with him.
Edit: This is the future I see for two of my friends. He is a BUM, and he has no motivation to do anything for himself. He's almost 40 years old. I don't think he will ever change.
My friend went through the same thing. He would come home from work and drink 2 bottles of wine and go to sleep. He did not participate in anything with the household or the children. He became a third child and my friend got tired of it. They both worked full time but she was the only one dealing with the kids and house work. The divorce was finalised 2 years ago and she is happy and thriving. He's not doing great and the drinking got worse. Sometimes it's better to wish him well and go your separate ways.
You get that her chances of finding a man she's happy with are very small, right? You think she'll have lots of long term dating options.
I totally agree. She is far better off being single and on her own than with a deadweight. I do not understand how women justify staying with men like this!
@@GUITARTIME2024 I think that's so far down on the list of considerations, it's laughable to worry about how she will find good dating options when her marriage is ending.
@drea4195 it's NOT laughable. I'm guessing she's 45-50. Her options going forward are incredibly diliminished unless her looks are top notch . So many women don't get this. As a dude I find this sad.
Weaponized incompetence and he's been getting away with it for 20 years - why would he change now?
Why would he change for a woman that doesn’t like him? 🫠🤫
"Weaponized incompetence" - ouch. That hit hard and is completely accurate.
I am literally begging women to stop calling men good fathers when they aren't. This man doesn't provide for his family. He won't even pick up after himself. How is he a good father?
The bar is low....😂😂
He doesn't hit or yell.
@@llIlIlllIIbare minimum. No one should get credit for that ever. It’s called common decency.
@BlackGirlDaily oh no, another bare minimum mumbo jumbo
Not sure you can say he is a good Dad, if he doesn't participate in taking care if their needs. Being "nice" or "fun means nothing if he doesn't even take them to the dentist or pick them up from school.
@@dudeorduuude5211 Exactly.
The only thing worse than being in a bad marriage is staying another day. You are NOT doing your kids any favors. My parents hated each other to the bitter end yet stayed together until the bitter end. It messed all of us kids up. It gave us a terrible example of what to expect in a marriage and the fear and tension was overwhelming every day. Get out now and dump that loser.
Yeah, fear and tension. It's no fun to dread going home, walking in to that.
The only thing worse is getting married in the first place. Trying to manage another person’s emotions is hell on earth.
Exactly. She never should have married an anxious unemployed person. A life with someone like that was bound to be torture from the get-go. @@awolf81
11:20 john youre sooooo close but still so far. It isnt mind reading to expect men to take on the same responsibilities that they expect of us. She doesnt respect him because even though she cleans every day he still PRETENDS like he doesnt know how to do it. The way you constantly give this lazy man the benefit of the doubt while subtly blaming the woman for wanting an equal partner is sooo not surprising and this is why i always take advice from men with a grain of salt. He isnt a toddler. She isnt his mommy or his manager. If he doesnt know the toilet needs cleaned after he left skid marks all thru it, after 20 years, it isnt because this poor poor man doesnt know any better because his controlling wife never told him, its because he DOES NOT CARE. Hope this helps all the women in the comments in a similar situation.
Thank you for this comment!
Why are yall choosing to marry men like this???
Consider the situation is reversed too…now?…hmmmm
@@greenlenny3926if the situation was reversed I would also tell that lady to go clean her dang toilets 😂😂😂
If you watched any of his other videos on the same subject, you would not be complaining about him taking the man's side. This is John trying to be fair to the men who constantly complain he favors women callers over the men. The guy can't win
8:42 I’m very confused by all this “list” & “read your mind”. Being an adult when you have a wife, children & home definitely involves cooking, cleaning, helping daily & keeping a job.
This man does nothing all day & refuses to help his wife with the home. There’s zero excuse for this.
This man is being coddled.
If she left the home a mess & got rid of her cleaning help her husband would be up in arms.
No, he is doing all of those things lol. She just likes complaining and the attention from it. I see this ALL THE TIME in 40 something women who become invisible in our society
@@nly4607he won't pick up the kids from school, or take them to appointments, won't clean the bathroom in between the cleaning women coming, which the husband could get doing that. He won't step up and just do what needs to be done.
as maddening as this situation must be to be in, I can't imagine she didn't know what she was signing up for. You don't get married to a man-child under the presumption that someday they're going to magically, just get it together while someone is still doing everything for them
@@ganglestank they are doing fine financially or she would've blamed her husband and got sympathy for that too
Their family is doing great and if you asked the husband and kids they would 100% point to her as the obsessive controlling monster
@@nly4607did u miss your pills today😂😂. She literally gave an exemple with how he leaves his cr....p on the toilet seat. He doesn't do what is needed if he leaves the dishes 3 days!! Lol....nit sure what your comment is about 40 years old women. They are healthy, beautiful and mostly financially secure at this point. My mother had me at 41 and had another 2 kids after me!! I sugest you get off the red pill channels😂😂😂😂 your brain is rotten and you don't make sense!!
If we removed the word “husband” from this conversation, people would assume she’s talking about a child’s behaviour.
Who's fault is it, the child for being a child, or the woman who invested her whole life into a child? People will treat you how you allow them to. If you have a dog who constantly sits there and begs for food and you give him food every time, then you can't get mad at him for begging
@@ganglestank yeah i partly blame her for letting this going for 20 years with this deadweight
@@dm-qy3yu how is a "good dad" who volunteers deadweight?
I swear women could be sleeping next to superman and still wonder "can I do better?"
Lady your 200lbs and 40 something with kids...
So many husbands do act like children.
That's also because she is infantilising him. She is in charge, she is right, things MUST be done her way because she said so.
He is looking after everyone except you and your family, this man is not going to change, he is too busy be the hero for everyone else and he is doing it to boost his ego.
Covert narcissism traits
We don't know of he's doing it for his ego or not. He might genuinely like to help others.
@@amberrose1108 The proof is in how he treats his own family though. If he genuinely enjoys helping he would first and foremost want to help around his house and be most responsible for his family. Instead.. he's passively aggressively wanting praise..but he's not getting it at home and it makes sense why. In order to get praise you have to do a consistent job, problem solve, take action.. without forcing someone to be your boss. So he's essentially taking the easy way out to look like a good guy and get to the easy praise instead of doing it where it counts
I had this thought too. It’s wild that he’d rather be a hero in the community rather than to his own family.
Around age 40 is when women get fed up of doing everything alone and choose to be alone.
Agreed, that's about when I realized I was the only adult in my marriage. Separated at 43, divorced at 44. Best decision ever.
You are correct!!! I got divorced @ 42. It made my life so much better! I’m now 70, never remarried, and am happily retired. It was a long 13 years being married to him. He overdrew the relationship bank account and it could not be fixed.
You're right, I was 41 and fed up. Happily divorced now.
John finally got to it. It's not about choirs. She's lost all respect for him as a man and sees him as weak and not a leader. And therefore all attraction. And it sounds like he is those things
A lot of us were taught you must work through the troubles and stay with them..even though they're not making any effort
She married a man who lived with his parents, didn’t know that he wasn’t supporting himself somehow, still married him, and stayed for 20 years. Make it make sense
Considering the excuses he has made for not getting a job all these years, I'll bet he gave her some BS line when they were dating about he was just between jobs or something, and she fell for it.
@ you should not marry a man that is not currently capable of supporting himself. Period.
@lynnebucher6537 And the 5 guys that would have been a good spouse weren't even seen by her. She didn't even know they existed. The inability to self reflect by women is incredible. If there was any justice in the world, this bum of a husband would get half of everything she has, half her retirement and the house too. He's acting like a typical woman and he might as well get the benefits of a typical woman who divorces her husband.
almost 20yrs of this is unacceptable. i’m not even married yet and my man participates in the household the same as i do, because we both live in the same house. he has eyes, 2 arms & legs that work, a functioning brain, even has ADHD (i do too), he gets things done because he feels just as responsible. both of us need extra prompting to remember things but we have each other’s backs and also use so many sticky notes, lol.
this dude has been able to go through adulthood without being expected to do ANYTHING. he can learn to keep a house, women don’t pop out of the womb with that knowledge, we LEARN it.
forget him, he’ll be one of many old divorced men who die alone in squalor because they refused to participate in their lives/marriages.
Men and women have different ideas of what that looks like. Women do the housework because they care more....99% of complaints women have arr just because they like complaining/attention
Tiktok has shed a light on weaponized incompetence.
What you're forgetting here is that people have to be taught these things. This is a result of the way you were raised. If you don't want to marry a child, don't pick one lmao and if you do pick one expect to have to teach them how to be an adult instead of just sitting around, enabling them. Sometimes these people just have to figure it out on their own and stopping them from doing that isn't helping them
Well said...and I'll just add, when he does get served with divorce papers, he will explain that he was blindsided and that it came out of nowhere. 😂
@ not sure if you got to the part of my comment about learning, but that’s not something i’m forgetting-no one just intuitively knows how to clean or cook, care for themselves, they have to learn it. they were *supposed* to be taught by parents/adults growing up, but not everyone gets that experience. oh well, these are necessary life skills that one should be curious enough about to ASK for help if they care + don’t know how, or to use the endless search tool of the internet. youtube. there are tutorials for EVERYTHING.
i chose correctly, but i’m also not going to give grown adults the out of ignorance about basic tasks when all the knowledge of humanity is in our damn pockets. learned helplessness is annoying, figure it out before getting into relationships with other adults please & thank you 🙏
First of all, if he is not working, why is there a house cleaner. Secondly, he can go on the internet and learn how to properly clean. That’s what ‘self help’ books are for as well. That’s what cookbooks are for. He is lazy. Give him a list. give detailed instructions. lf he still doesn’t do it. Tell him to get a job so a daily maid can be hired to do what he should be doing for the family.
The caller and her husband should 100% read Fair Play by Eve Rodsky. It shatters the “give me a list” mentality!
It's weaponized incompetence for sure. What do you think about married men that frequent strib clubs?
After 20 years, it's more wickedness than ignorance, which is why the Dr. said it's an integrity issue. Pure wickedness. The man needs an exorcism not a book.
@@GenChanger i think you need the exorcism
@@christophera4364 strip clubs are gross
🤡 @@funicon3689
He’s an immature guy that wanted a mommy not a wife.
That she hired a housekeeper just enabled him to live his fantasy. I mean I understand why she did it initially for sure, but over time it only served him . . .
and she chose him because she wanted a son not a husband
@@funicon3689not necessarily imo. Men will show they are responsible and puff themselves up when they're dating because they know that's what a woman wants.. then when you're finally married they can relax and live the dream of regressing. If the woman truly wanted that she would be happy in the situation not upset
Sounds like my "friend". His wife worked full-time as a physical therapist and then changed bandages for some old man on Sunday while my friend did nothing. He did have to make sure he got a new Harley though despite the fact they had 3 college age kids. She left him...big shocker
She picked him…had 3 kids with him….nigga…it doesn’t matter if she fucking left if she already cloned this man 3 times.
He's not working! He doesn't even have a job! She shouldn't have to pay a house cleaner to come once a week! I'd be livid if that were my husband for 19 years!When you stay home to take care of the house and children, that is your first priority. Dr. J is wrong about this one.
Now flip the scenario. If this was a wife, who doesn't work and the husband has to pay a cleaner once a week, should he be livid about it after 19 years?
Absolutely! When she said someone was coming to clean, I definitely thought, what the hell is HE doing?
The moment a parent-child dynamic enters an adult relationship, it's doomed.
TLC's "No Scrubs" needs to be added to her playlist and played daily.
I disagree, you have to ask the question, what is she getting out of this relationship for the last 20 years? Keep in mind, we are only hearing her side of the story. She may also be a total control freak.There are two sides to every story.
Do you cook and clean? Are you feminine and want to be presided over by a strong man who will out you in your place and expect the best of you?
Only then you can have a “No Scrubs” man
@TheAshMcG He makes those married men that visit strib clubs look like saints lol.
@TheAshMcG, I see your point, and I think that is a fair question. However, if any part of his story also includes not working for twenty years and having his wife pay to have a house cleaner when he's home and able bodied, he doesn't have a leg to stand on in my opinion.
@chelseah9616 yeah it's unacceptable
This husband highkey sounds like me right now at 18. I gotta change before these habits cement.
So he doesn't work, he doesn't clean or help around the house, he doesn't pick his kids up from school, but he's a good dad?, I'm lost because children learn their behavior from their environment, he's teaching his sons to depend on their women, and you teaching your daughters to do it all while their husband do nothing. This is amazing me how people damage their children without realize it
I married someone exactly like this and there’s a reason why I divorced him earlier last year. It wasn’t worth it for someone that didn’t respect me or even attempt to help me when I was begging for help. I hope the best for her. My ex husband wouldn’t even call and order a pizza or make an appointment. When you’re someone’s mother, it’s exhausting and you really are better off alone.
Did we divorce the same guy. I also recall one time the kids school called and needed him to pick his kid up. He basically refused saying he didn't know which door to go into!
Me too! Happily divorced 17 years!
I was with a woman like this. I was the primary provider. Did all the cleaning, cooking, and etc
@@Lady.Luck. Good grief 😭 Glad he's an ex!
I was married to a guy just like this. I finally divorced. It was a challenging year to divorce but now im free and happy. I will never date a passive guy again!! I prefer traditional roles. I don't want to be both the man and the woman!
"He's not a partner he's a kid," 🎯
It will never change ever, unless you put God first. We can't change people only the Lord can.
God bless
The man still has to want to change himself. If anything, we need to seek God for a spouse before we get married.
A bit naive. A person has to want to change.
10:07
Ew, the excuses John is making for this guy is gross.
Yeah did you hear the guys side? No? Then stfu
Weaponized incompetence as well as extreme laziness. He does it because he’s been getting away with it.
My father bummed off of my mother for 20+ years, and she finally divorced him while she was going through cancer. He still feels entitled to her estate after she passed! Some men are just little boys in a man’s body. He’s now living with someone because he cannot and will not support himself. Guess who is raising my youngest brother with no assistance? ME! My father refuses to pay child support.
One thing I learned about my ex is because I was so good at doing it all because he wouldn’t especially after his dad died, he personified learned helplessness and then blamed me for everything! His dad would get frustrated with him too because my ex was supposed to help him pay the company bills but because the ex (his son) was a slacker, his dad stopped asking him. That’s what happens with these types of people. They know how to push the responsible person’s buttons to the point that she/he will just “do it themselves” because it’s just easier. They’ll also sabotage simple tasks just so you’ll stop asking anything from them. My ex found lists as demeaning or demanding. And as the Bible says, a man who doesn’t take care of his children/family is worse than an infidel.
Classic example of role reversal and it’s s inevitable failure.
Oooo...Dr. John hit the nail on the head. My ex-husband was actually worse than this. Lack of fidelity to the marriage is the best way I've ever heard to describe what her husband is doing. This hit me hard.
What does he do all day? "I don't know". Lady you need to leave this guy. I feel bad. but he isn't changing after 20 years. If she decides to stay then somehow she has to come to peace with him being a lazy sack. Or she needs to leave. Like he tells her "make me a list". So he puts that on her. Dude just take care of stuff. Personally I would have left 20 years ago.
Yeah because most women can find a better man after breaking up their family and being 20 years 9lder/fatter
"He is a good dad" that should be enough
@@nly4607he's a good dad is not enough, he's not a good husband and partner to her. The kids are older and will leave the house, and she's left with a man who does not contribute to the household or to being a good mate.
@@nly4607 I mean is just being a good mom enough for a man? I don't think that argument holds for anyone who wants to be loved and have a great life with the same person till they die. If she neglects you, your needs, your interests, your conversation, intimacy, but take care of the kids, is that really a marriage? Just being a good parent is not enough. No.
And she may not need a better man. She may just be happy alone! Many women are quite happy on their own with their girlfriends later in life. If love comes back around that's great, but that does not mean that she's leaving him for someone else. She might just want to live her own life solo
@@nly4607Really?
I don't know about "murica but women over 40 are a hell of a lot hotter than the beer bellied, bald men I see everywhere.
I wouldn't be caught dead looking after a man baby.
Yuck.
I definitely think that the list is fair. Some people learn differently and visually and I don't think it's too much to ask for seeing what she wants in writing. If she's had 20 years to complain, she's had 20 years to write it down and at least try that route! If that's what he has asked for to help make her happy then what is the holdup?! Over 20 years the list can be changed and what not but he just wants to know what he's working with. For me, I don't always see what's important to my husband and he definitely doesn't always see what's important to me. I have never made a list for my husband but we have also been together 20 years, And I made a list of three things that I need to feel loved. AND IT WORKED. He isn't perfect but God damn did it take a lot and I mean a lot of courage to write that list and be vulnerable. I didn't know how he was going to react (Everything on the list is easier than putting away the dishes, It's one hug a day, one I love you a day (both unprompted) and 5 minutes of cuddling every night.) I want to grow closer, not apart and I have to learn new strategies myself to bring him to me. And thank God I have a great husband who is willing to see that things are important when it really comes down to it. What I want costs no money. And maybe at maximum only 7 minutes a day. I'm pretty simple. He also takes care of his fair share of chores, we both bring in the bacon, And I couldn't be happier. But it does take work!
"So do you want him to read your miiind?" Dude, she literally tells him what she wants and he dismisses it.
This should have been discussed. The requirements of a stay at home dad. Take a day to show him how to clean the entire house and manage kids. Never marry a man that has never maintained his own job, bills, car and kept a clean apt.
sweetie. it was and she has been talking about it with him for years. running the dishwasher is common sense. Do you discuss this with women if they stay at home? Who thinks you can have kids, not work and do NOTHING?
You completely missed it. He does do those things. It's just not at her time and to her "perfect/right" way. That's why John asked her if he should be able to read her mind. She is the one who is impossible and doesn't respect her husband
@@naijalycanLeaving her to work outside the home and do the domestic labor for 20 years? What is there to respect?
This makes no sense. Married him while he lived with his parents. Had children with him and now 20 years later he's useless.
Right, why would he change now? She put up with it for decades.
I don’t think living with parents is a predictor of this sort of behavior. Housing is expensive, and many people move back in with family to save money.
@@theshunnedBandersnatchBut this was 20+ years ago when housing was more reasonably priced. No excuse. She married a bum, and didn't recognize the red flag.
It wasn’t expensive 20 years ago though- living with your parents is very common now but at the turn of the millennium that was called a failure to launch.
it frustrating when your partner does not seem to care about what you think are the basics...like why cant they care about basic things about the pride of our place and basic chores in upkeep like i do....
this is something you figure out in the first months of dating. not year 20 of marriage.
@@funicon3689But if you don't live together or you're in an apartment where a lot of that stuff is taken care of like the lawn, shoveling,
Appliance breaks, etc you don't really get a full picture for when you own a house 15 years later of what they're willing to do.
He's a horrible dad. They are learning the man in relationship is on pedestal & catered to. The woman is door mat, does all. And u just set them up for the same in life. To accept very few crumbs. Congrats. And yor begging for change. You gave up yor power. He doesnt have to lift a finger. U made it so easy for him He doesn't have to care, he comes 1st. You'll do it all!!!! The bar of what you'll accept is on the ground. And yor focused on chores. Yor guy is a loser. Why do u accept so little. I bet u don't of yor kids.
Dr John called it wrong on this one. She’s broken down from his lack of initiative and care. She’s already said she’s checked out - healthier to tell her how to navigate a successful end to the marriage than say the husband AND her are both to blame and that she should save it. I hope she leaves. Sooner.
I think the sentence that hit her was "do you want to do this another 20 years". I believe she's checking out. She needs to do something now or she will be raising that child the rest of her life.
No, she's already checked out. I can tell by what she was saying about her kids already grown up. I think she knows he's not going to change. She called just to basically get a confirmation.
I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I asked myself if I wanted to do this for another 20 years. Everything came into focus. I was done. You can talk and negotiate and tolerate - without results - only for so long.
John is correct. I feel like she is already ready to leave this man. She is like 10% the issue. 90% is this man’s fault. He is unemployed do the freakin cleaning. Don’t hire someone to do it.
😢
Come on now, please stop defending this man. He is a grown adult, he is perfectly capable of noticing when a toilet needs to be cleaned, dishes need to be done, and laundry needs to be done. Weaponized incompetence is SO apparent in this marriage. Please, stop saying it's her fault because he tries but does it "wrong". He can clean a freaking toilet. She is carrying the entire mental load in this household, and apparently, this is all her fault? No, not buying it.
Ngl women like this pmo because this is the type of conversation / questions she should have been asking in the first couple years of marriage. If you havent known what your husband does all day for 20 years it shouldnt matter now!
Right. Scary stuff. She wanted the "family picture" so bad that the character of the man didn't matter.
usually i don’t agree with women or anything that goes against women but THIS PART!! women should be accountable for picking their male counterpart.
I am divorcing my husband after 11 years right now for this. I worked full time, self employed, my own business. Hours and hours to provide a 6 figure digit for him and I. I would ask him to make sure the floors are clean. He "watches the pets" but they'll pee and poop on the floor behind him, and the carpets are ruined. Cleaning the kitchen also means organizing the stuff on the counter and wiping the counter down. In 11 years, he's only been employed 2 years, and most of those two years were in the early years of our marriage.
But he was "doing so much" if you ask him. Running a single errand every day. I didn't want him at home all day, I wanted him to have independence with his own income, and tried so hard to make sure he knew that. He didn't want it.
Wow good for you to leave him 🥰
@@brownsugardelima Why is this so common? For 8 years, I was the only one who worked, did housework, walked the dogs, etc. while he sat around playing video games all day. Thank god we're not together anymore. On the bright side, I learned a lot about myself during that time and will never EVER tolerate that behavior ever again. Even if I end up alone, it's 100% better than that previous life. I know my worth. There's a reason why men die shortly after their wives, whereas women live on and on and on after their husbands die.
Well thats one side of the story
He didn’t NEED it either. Do some math for me. Why would he need a job, if the entire point of having a job is to use the money you get to pay for the things you need? Well… Business owner that had a 6 digit Income…who had money to pay for everything…WHY DID HE NEED TO?! 🤣😅😅🤣
But look at this. “I didn’t want him at home all day.”
Here’s my question: why didn’t you love him? 🤔 Sincerely. Why didn’t you…Love him? Because I don’t understand why you’d care about him being home if he was safe, alive, and healthy. And I don’t see how the flip you could care about disorganized dishes if your husband was alive…safe…and healthy.
That’s what you should think about. Not a freaking countertop not being wiped down. 🤨
Since you made the money he will be paid alimony. Get your money king just like stay at homes wives do 😂
The irony is, he gets half of everything and probably spousal support for a number of years,
Bingo. And that’s why she ain’t leaving. 😮💨🫠🤣
Good! Tons of stay at home wives do the same. Equality baby whoo!!!😂
Its so disingenuous to say that she doesn't know what he does all day. Thats exactly why she is going thru this. What in the world was he doing when she met him. Make no mistake she likes being the stable one. It feeds her ego. She's getting something from this too. Wonder how much alimony she's gonna have to pay for being the bread winner.
NAILED IT
My really good friend’s husband is like this. He doesn’t have a job and he only likes doing things that interests him. HES LAZY. I don’t understand guys like this. What happened to you that makes you think this is how a man should behave.
Wait, what? "Do you want him to read your mind kinda?"....really Dr? This guy is not a team player. Period. My goodness!
Dr. John does this a lot and it pisses me off.
What do you mean "do you expect him to "read your mind"? Can he not see what's dirty? No one should have to tell a grown adult to clean. He sounds like a child. No one needs to tell her to go to work, cook, clean, or take care of the kids because she's an adult. John, stop blaming her for the husband's laziness.
She has lost complete respect for him and I don’t blame her.
This is like the story of my parents. Mom the bread winner and father is like a baby. She’s the breadwinner plus takes on house chores while he gets mad when get inconvenienced. I believe he is autistic but was not diagnosed and for sure my mum’s mental well being was not good coz she tried to be a hero raising five kids plus a childlike husband. It was very difficult for children in this situation. We get through because somehow there are families who helped during rough times otherwise, this set up is very unhealthy for kids and can lead to mental health issues.
"Weaponized incompetence" the way so many men roll.
I think this call goes a lot different if a man called and said the things she said.
Exactly. If he wanted his house run a certain way he’d be looked at as controlling and “this is who she was when you married her!” 😂. When women the bread winners they can’t handle it lmao
So his wife is at home and he needs to make a list for her to contribute to chores?
Sure.... No judgement would be thrown at a woman for the same thing.....😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
This seriously sounds like my marriage except he is the" bread winner". But I tried to divorce him 3 dif times but he always convinced me he would be a partner in this marriage. We have 4 kids and 4 animals, and I have had to do all the household duties, cooking, child care, bills, vehicle maintenance, doctor appts for everyone, yard work, ect. The list goes on and on. He would get home from work and jason play video games or lay on the couch. Mind you he has a desk job, not labor intensive. I'd ask for help with dishes or a diaper change and I'd get huffing and puffing. I always had to ask for help and it was destroying my mental health. The final time I demanded a divorce he begged me to go to marriage counseling. I told him I just needed him to step up and do the things I need help with and to stop giving me such a hard time when I asked for help because it was already hard for me to even ask for help. Idk why something clicked...maybe he realized how much I do and how much he would be left to do on his own. Or maybe he became more empathetic, idk. But now he helps with the kids when he sees how overwhelmed I am(our youngest is 3). He does the dishes a few times a week. He will see how drained I am and tell me to go take and shower n relax and he will take over. It really is a game changer to have a partner and not an adult child lol. We are highschool sweet hearts and have been together for 20years. So I've basically had to teach him how to be an adult since his mom did everything for him while he played video games. We really gotta "train" these dudes when their parents fail them. If we have to parent them then it takes away from us parenting our own children and self care goes out the window.
He’s never gonna change because you give him empty threats. You’re not gonna leave so he has no real reason to change.
Divorce while you still can. People usually don't change. My sister left her ex because he kept going to strip clubs even after she said stop many times.
Shoot at least in your marriage he at the very least provides a check you’re wayyy better off but if you’re unhappy fr then leave
Hope, that it will stay like this!
Lot of guys swear everything to keep their woman around just for few days and even for few weeks, than when their think the pressure is over, they start to be lazy again...
For those who are not married for 20+ years - you have NO idea what it’s likes! It can be tough especially when you have kids so you’re trying to make things work. Not everyone wants to just break up their marriage! There is long history here and it’s not easy to throw that away! This is why it’s important to be very careful who you marry because you never know!
She would have been justified to leave at least 15 years ago. He checked out of the marriage long ago by not actively participating in it. She just kept putting off the inevitable divorce.
How would she lose custody if her husband doesn't have a job?
@@christineoneal666 well stay at home moms often get custody over the working dad...
Went thru this for years but i saw that i had some impossible standards and wanted things done my way, didn't trust him to make decisions, etc. Then one day i had an epiphany: i need to trust him to make decisions, trust his choices, compromise with his way of doing things, revise my expectations, make space for his preferences for level of cleanliness, groceries, meal planning, hiw he wants yo spend time, etc. Gave that a real go for another five or six years. Then I kinda looked atound and realized that we were broke af, living in filth, and he was an alcoholic freeloader with a porn addiction. Left him. Now I have money, free time, a clean house, travel, friends, hobbies. Lesson learned.
If he doesn’t bring in any money, then he needs to shoulder the lion’s share of running the household. Nobody would argue about that if the sexes were reversed.
It's a mix of ego, criticism, lack of gratitude, depression, delusion, and probably a deeper level of childhood trauma.
Yup
I'm startled that she's hired a cleaning service when her husband is not working! He simply isn't acting like an adult. He's stuck at teenager level maturity
I hope she leaves him and lives the rest of her life as the best of her life! ❤
If someone has this much disdain for their spouse get a divorce. They are ruining the kids life with this crap and if she's so miserable leave.
She had disdain for her spouse? He’s not a spouse, he’s a CHILD in a man’s body. I’d rather puke than be near a man like this. 🤢🤢🤢🤢 He doesn’t take initiative. He’s not a man!!!! How embarrassing!
She is selfish enough to destroy her family even tho "he is a good dad" because she has the ego to believe she can get a better guy now that she is older fatter and has the kids of some guy she thinks is a loser
I’m 7 years in and this is me. We are about to by a house and I don’t feel comfortable. He doesn’t help clean, he does not work, does not pull in any side money, on top of not trying to do the free things I ask for, like compliments and at home dates. I also asked for one thing on our wedding day and didn’t get it! And it was free! It was his time. Idk what I’m doing because I do love him, but I feel like it’s not the same back to me.
You're gonna divorce him sooner or later I think...
@@xdxdxdxd4575divorce isn’t always the answer. I know he is my person, I know he loves me deep down. Something is wrong and he doesn’t to do the work to acknowledge it and work thru it. He’s been thru a lot, I know most people have, I know I have, I’d hate for my partner to leave me without doing everything possible first and that’s where we are at.
I bought a house with a guy just like this. It was a nightmare. We both worked full-time but afterwards I had to come home and do all the chores. If something broke I had to beg him to help me fix it and I had to look up everything and do it myself we never had extra money to hire a professional typically and he just sat and played video games instead of trying to problem solve anything. He had very little tasks and the few that he did he would do it so infrequently. He would let the grass go to seed instead of mowing regularly. It was so embarrassing
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH HIM!
Omg. Don't buy a house with someone like that.
They won't keep up on maintenance. They won't save up for when something needs a repair. They will pretend to only have time to mow the yard (and half the time they don't and it looks like a jungle) -leaving all the other upkeep and cleaning on your shoulders. You may end up being solely responsible for making sure the mortgage and bills are paid.
If he's anything like this ... And you foresee having to write chore lists to maintain sanity.... You may end up craving the simplicity of apartment living and selling the house because the manchild you attempted to own a house with, doesn't actually know how to be an adult.
Owning a house is like being weighed down with a ball and chain.
I hear her and she’s literally describing my life. I married the same type of individual and are feeling this feeling. It is so disheartening and frustrating. I am at a point of do it your way, however you want to do it as long as you’re contributing to taking care of our home. I agree with her and feel her pain every single word. 😢
She said she waited till the kids were older ... because of custody... there is more there... if he is a great dad, why worry about custody...
Because she sounds like she drinks and would have issues gett8ng custody
You definitely were not listening properly.
she said shed won the custody
Some people are literally that afraid that they won’t even try or have a ton of excuses because they’re scared of change
Early on in my marriage and as a mother I had a certain way I liked the dishwasher loaded, the laundry done, the cleaning done. I quickly learned if you are always critical of the way someone does something they don't want to help you. I would rather have help and accept another way of doing it then have to be right. I am not sure if that is part of the issue but when he brought up not being able to do things right in his marriage.
Just end it. 20 years is too much resentment. Even if he miraculously turns into the greatest husband ever she'll still be upset because she endured 20 years of crap
Is this video a joke? This can't be for real. What the heck does he actually contribute to this marriage or household? No job, no helping around the house or with the kids? That's not even the biggest issue. What kind of work ethic example is he setting for his children, especially his sons if they have them? Is this what their daughter will think a man and provider are supposed to do? She just can't be serious, right?
"He is a good dad"
Women just like to complain about everything when they get old and society ignores them
@@nly4607 Good dads set good examples for their children. That includes how to provide, protect, and care for the family. Unless I missed the specific details of how he is actually doing that, the math just doesn't add up.
@queenadventures4258 "he is a good dad" "he volunteers in the community"
Did it sound like they weren't being provided for? Who bought the house? I dont work 9/10 days but I volunteer and coach. I also have passive income via crypto, stocks, gambling, and real estate.
Haven't worked since before I met my baby mama.....women have trouble understanding this because they only care about the appearance of things and what they can tell others.
"I also have passive income from... gambling"
you are not a serious person
@@nly4607 the caller herself said she is the only one paying the bills. She is the only one who has a job because he will not get a job. He couldn't even go and pick up his child who was sick at good because he was volunteering?
Okay, if this is your view of providing in this case, that's your opinion.
In your situation, you ARE bringing in income. The two situations are NOT the same. She has no idea what her husband does all day. This came from her mouth in this video. If this was not problematic behavior we wouldn't be having this conversation because she wouldn't have called this show about it.
Two words: weapomized incompetence. They are 20 YEARS in. If he doesn't know by now, he's intentionally not learning so he doesn't have to be held accountable. Then he tries to make her write a list so that she gets so frustrated that she stops asking, so he can go back to life as usual. Leave, miss caller. It won't get any better. Period. Prepare for a life of peace and freedom once your children leave, because he won't change.
Wow! She’s part of the problem for enabling him. Give him his 50% and move on!!! Go live the rest of your life in peace!
All of this is to a T the conversation my husband and I have been cycling through lately. I took on 95% of the housework when we got married. I only work part time, so I didn't mind. But now we have an infant and I can't do it all. Luckily he's been fairly receptive lately and has been picking up a lot more chores without my having to spell it out. We've only been married two years though, so I might have let him get a little spoiled, but he isn't set in his ways yet. And he didn't like coming home to an overwrought PO'd wife every day.
I clicked way too fast
O 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️ I can’t believe John just asked her if she wants her husband to read her mind … I hope she leaves this horrible man
I got news for you Dr John. Women only berate men and tell them they’re doing something wrong when they doubt your competency as a man. This shows a lack of respect. Most men experience this because most women don’t respect most men.
95% of marriages can be saved? No 👎🏿.
A lot of these crap situations aren’t worth salvaging.
I have one standing rule. If one person is working the other must work to by pitching in. If the one person doesn't want any help, then find something else to do but only if the one person doesn't want help. But no one at any time should be sitting around.
Similar situation. Husband sits and does stock market buying and selling all day. He will pay mortgage and nothing else. When discussions about him getting a paying job he gets mad and spazzez. Basically I've lost all interest in him. I work from home and it's bothersome having him here all day with me.
Don't worry, it won't last long. 95% of day-traders go broke.
Sounds like you don’t work though either. Working from home typically means doing some fake, easy job
@cullenatwood5149 I am a work from home nurse case manager which is something u know nothing about. Every wfh job is not easy or simple
He doesn’t need a list … he need to step up … it’s not her job to carry all the emotional labor
Who cares if this husband has anxiety? We all do. But he chooses to volunteer for other people or causes and his anxiety is gone. This is ridiculous. He is a moocher. If he is staying at home, he should be cleaning and taking care of the children so she can focus on working and supporting the family. She doesn’t need to hire a maid, she has a lazy husband!
Im shocked after everything that was disclosed he was still on his side. Crazy.
Most likely the husband has always been lazy. Some women think marriage will fix them 🤦♀️
It’s unacceptable that he doesn’t have a job. However, with that said, she is at least 50% of the problem. When I asked to give her number one complaint she led with he doesn’t empty the dishwasher. That’s her big complaint. This guy has no chance of pleasing this woman.
I’m having this same issue with my brother I have to beg him to cut out grass it’s so draining I feel for her
You’re brother?
I'm not marriage material on so many levels so I've decided to stay single after one failed marriage. My finances are good yet I struggle with anxiety on a daily basis.
Marriage material mean you can put up with a lot of crap.tbus lady probably has posts about the 10,15, 20 years anniversary and so on!!! Like most marriages...is is almost a constant misery. You should feel good about not being marriage material!!!
Isnt it crazy we are willing to form such strong opinions based on the story of one side.. and we know that the story of both sides are different lol
Yeah, I think she's done. I think she's looking down the road, after the kids are out, & realizing that she does not want to spend her retirement/remaining yr's. w/ this guy.
I wonder if this couple ever does anything fun together? I ran into a woman who worked in a retail store. While we chatted, she mentioned that divorcing her husband was the worst decision she ever made. She said she was super lonely.
Every relationship isn’t the same…I would rather be lonely and financially secure able to do what I wanted with life than be burdened with the responsibilities of a grown unappreciative adult who wouldn’t even help clean for 20+ years
Wow it's very rare to hear a woman regret divorce. I divorced a guy just like this and I am so thankful everyday I almost cry tears of joy thanking myself for getting out of the hell of having to be both the man and woman
@@pmgumeebear you’re right - everyone is different. Listen to what she is really saying here though too. He’s a great dad! She likes the strokes she has received from other men. Her examples are over a dishwasher and that he didn’t answer the phone while in a meeting and cleaning a toilet. I’m sure she has a ton more aggravations. But don’t we all have those? He asked her for a list. My husband does so much around the house but he still asks me for a list because he can’t read my mind. I’m just saying that I would hate for this woman to leave her husband for a person in her mind that doesn’t exist. We all go through those times when we can’t stand the person we are with. And I’m sure they feel the same about us. But it is usually of limited duration. This woman may need to leave and she may be happy that she did. Or…