I’ve been away for 10 months. My husband use to throw things. Hit things. Head butted and broken amirror. Yell at me. Screamed at me as our 2 month old was crying and he wouldn’t stop yelling after I begged him to. That’s when I knew he would never change and I needed to leave. And I made a plan. FINALLY Told my therapist what was going on. The truth. Finally told my parents what I’d been enduring. Told three people of the plan. And I left abruptly 6 months later. I left with my 8 month old and haven’t been back. The worst part is how much of a pillar he is to our community. His actions are a complete 180 behind closed doors and I was too scared to even bring it up to our pastor in fear of upsetting him or being “disloyal” I am so proud of myself. I’ve gotten a good job, and am caring for my son and I. I pray you find the strength to leave and be proud, too.
How did you deal with his attempts to contact you? I'm always worried about consequences after leaving? Does he try to contact you? And did he fight for custody? Is so scaty after leaving..
@user-qz4ji7dw3bI asked myself this questions for many years. I even asked him. He said he felt "attacked" and "not believed" I never yelled or screamed or cursed at him. I told him when he said or did XYZ it made me feel like he was being manipulative. It seemed like every time I told him something that HE DID bothered me, he got angry. Even me telling him my feelings were hurt because he didn't plan anything for my birthday, even though I asked him to and he said he would. He started yelling and said that I was asking him for "too much." I shut down and because I'm SCARED and it just made it worst it seemed like. It got to a point where I stopped bringing it up. I've always encourage those who know us to ASK HIM "what I did to 'make him' throw an adult tantrum" I even asked him if those who loved and adored him knew how he acted towards me would they questions his character, he said yes. I asked him if his sisters BF treated her the same manner he treats me, would he be happy with that. He said that he would be "the first one In San Diego" meaning... NO! He wouldn't. So you tell me, what did I do to MAKE this grown man act this way? I protected him by not telling people about his behavior. And it only got worst. That's what I did.
I'm proud of you too! I did the same thing, 35 years ago. These guys are bully's behind closed doors, are liars to everyone else. Stand your ground and keep speaking the Truth
Get a plan, tell somebody, and get out! If you don’t feel safe do not tell this man your plans! Too many women are coming up missing or killed trying to leave.
I agree. The silent man is often the most dangerous man. Do NOT share your plans. Instead, be smart. Placate him by telling him you’re not leaving, not even thinking such a thing. When you’re ready to go, make a clean break.
And don’t tell him where you work! These type have no shame and cannot feel embarrassment. He will show up at your work and scare the holy hell out of the workplace.
GET OUT. Mine assaulted me physically for 15 years and 10 yrs after I left he blames me for his violence. GET OUT. Now. DO NOT let him or anyone that knows him know. You have to get to a safe place and get out quietly.
Heyy, by chance would you like to be friends then? Im a 24 year old from the Caribbean and just thought it would be cool to connect with someone else to get a different perspective on things and just to vibe out.
@anniesok868 Shut uppppp. Why do people like you always have to critic people who survived horrible abuse? It's not your business why she stayed. There are 1000000 reasons why abuse victims stay. Just stay quiet if you have absolutely nothing positive to say.
This made me cry. Stay-at-home moms have so many skills it's ridiculous. They manage a household, and budget, manage time schedules for EVERY person, organize, constantly look for ways to save and for solutions, conflict resolution, etc. etc. It is never-ending. 24/7. They are the HR department, finance department, upper, middle, and at times lower management, and the worker all in one. Sure it might not be apples-to-apples comparable but I bet you they are great at adapting to new situations and are hard-working women. To the lady who called in - I can't wait to hear an update. You and your kids deserve to not have to live in fear. To live your life and be free.
Damn I'm not doing well as a stahm cause after giving birth it took 5 months to walk again 😅 I gotta write down all the steps u said cause I do know I have to step up. Thanks for typing this 😅😅❤❤
Her husband reminds me of my dad. Though he wouldn't do the silent treatment, he would yell, Say hurtful things and hurt the dogs. When my mom was divorcing him, He became the "perfect husband" he was nice but it was too late. He hurt my mother emotionally and he has hurt me and all my sisters, We all have anxiety, My oldest sister definitely has some ptsd, she got the worst of it.
OMG, this describes my husband to the max. I can relate to how she feels because I live with this everyday. My husband has a cell phone, he never answers it when I call in an emergency. He won't even answer a text. I have to go into surgery and I can't depend on him to take care of me when I get home. He yells, screams, hangs onto things and goes over and over and over again about anything I do wrong.
I was terrified when I got out. I absolutely did not want a divorce but I was completely done. One kid at home finishing high school, I worked several jobs and had roommates but I did it. And never looked back. And yes it was hella hard. Best to you Chris you got this.
Caller, you say you're afraid of failure, and John let you know that that's going to happen! Part of why you are afraid of failure is because you were with someone who refused to allow you to be human and make mistakes. Over and over and over and over and over again over 16 years worth! Please have grace for yourself and know that mistakes are how you learn! Abusers want to rip your self-esteem to shreds, and that is one tactic they used to do it! I hope you are doing great and succeeding in life and realizing that mistakes are OK and that you're doing a fantastic job not only with your life but with your kids!❤❤❤
@@staceystrukel1917 Power tactic or not, it's a very childish & relationship damaging tactic. I'm almost grateful to the ex huzz for his many silent treatment episodes. When I called him out for cheating on me or overspending or anything he knew was wrong yet did it anyway, the silent treatment was his answer. It prepared me for a life without him.
@@staceystrukel1917 it's a power tactic on his side but the upside to the silent treatment is that she is learning how to live without him. When someone uses this tactic , they have no more respect for the marriage.
She needs to leave BEFORE the job because he will sabatoge it. He should have told her to get out asap safely. It sounds like she has not been reporting or documenting anything which means he might get some custody. She needs some recordings and for the kids to testify against him so they don't have to go back there.
I left mine twice and went back. The third time he went after me in our van with a shotgun, a commando knife and bow and arrows Thanks to guardian angel I made it out with snipers on the rooftop, a platoon of soldiers packing me up and not a penny in my pocket. Document, document, document!!! But get out ASAP!!
Agreed. I've lived with a narcissist and he lost it when I broke up with him... police was almost called. I'd have the plan all set up... and an out... and a place to run. And then co parenting with him will be FUN. That will be a rocky road of its own.
@@dabd8175 This is such an insightless comment from you Dabd, I shudder - the dynamics are so different than with normal mentally stable honest persons. You can't believe how long-term they work on it to trap their victim. And how long term they set up other persons to collaborate against their victim. It seems not even psychologists always have experience enough to see through games narcissists play - and you definitively are not aware. Sincerely hope that you never get chosen to be targeted by a narcissist. You'll be helpless, because you think it is so easy avoid. Take care, learn with open eyes from the mistakes others generously share to help others again. All the best wishes, assuming you are just naive and not malicious.
14 years with an Ex Narcissist, I was nothing if I didn't play his game. But he could never held accountable because it was never his fault. I was at a new job I excelled in, he wanted to move us again...NOPE I'm staying put, scared out of my mind, but I only had me to rely on, and you know what "I" did ok!! I had always been told no one else would want me, I've been with my now husband for 23 years, I'm doing better than I could have ever imagined. I also don't think I would be alive today had I stayed because in 2010 I had to have heart surgery, I would most likely not have had insurance and on top of that I honestly believe Ex would have made needing surgery my fault, I know the 6 weeks of recovery would have been impossible, where as my husband was able to take 3 weeks off paid leave and never left my side. You have to live for you, scared or not you'll be OK, it won't happen overnight, just take it one day at a time.
@@dabd8175 Yeah I totally get it. It's just that people (like people with narcissism and borderline) can put on a persona for years even... til the mask comes off and now you're in a nightmare you didn't sign up for. I agree with you for the most part.. there are often signs.. but many people don't know how to read the red flags... til you learn from you're unfortunate experience.
I'm so glad she has a friend she can rely on who helped her get a job that's amazing an rare for someone who hasn't worked for 15 years I hope she takes it, stays safe and flourishes. I can't wait for her update.
I stayed in the same type of situation for 11 years, and it will definitely be the hardest thing you do! BUT it will also be the best decision you've ever made!!!!! Once the chaos dies down, the internal peace you have is unimaginable. I have never, not one second, regretted the decision. Secondly, my boss has a life philosophy that you should adopt..."fake it till you make it!' No one will know what you don't know. Keep it to yourself and you will learn everything you need to know as you go. You got this!!💖
It's over. And it won't get better sweetie. I'm with you. It stinks, then it's over. You can. And if you fail at the job there will be another one. You will be great! It’s lovely on the other side.
Girl run. His behavior is the main reason to take that job. You and your children deserve better. If you have friends and family, go stay with them while you build your finances. Or go to women’s shelter. I am a stay at home mom/wife. The best advice my dad gave me was be able to take care of yourself and have your way to go if he acts up. Ladies if you are going to be a stay at home mom/wife, make sure you have a back up plan in case things fall apart.
I was a single mom of two at the age of twenty one. I had to pick myself up by my boot straps my mother would not help me but when my dad found out my situation he came to get me. I was seven months pregnant with my second baby in a house with no electricity, heat, running water, no groceries, or car and one of the worst winters on record. As I struggled I would tell people that I never made a mistake in my life I JUST GAVE MYSELF SOME HARD LEARNING LESSONS. MISTAKES ARE ONLY MISTAKES IF YOU FAIL TO LEARN FROM THEM. THERE IS ONE THING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL ALWAYS BE A MISTAKE IS NOT TRYING. GOOD LUCK🙏
@boston312 why do you assume she consented to the sexual act that led to the pregnancy? Regardless, she is owning her mistakes. No need to shame her. She knows and she is taking care of business. Move along.
@user-qz4ji7dw3bFinances & assets are split 50/50 in divorce. And from the sound of this abusive man he wont be that bothered about his kids. Only 67% of divorced men still make the effort to see their kids after they've divorced. The percentage gets even lower if they remarry or cohabit with a new partner.
My ex husband gave me the silent treatment for nearly 11 months. Nothing I did was ever good enough . Always complained about me to his mom, and it would make everything worse for me. ( we all lived together big mistake) I wasn’t allowed a car phone. I worked nights ( he would drop me off yet complain about it) and he did days. I hardly slept, I stayed home and took care of my son ( he was about a old) I made a safety plan and bought 2 one way tickets to Montana ( family here) the day I left he had no idea! He claimed him and his mom were going to the bank to withdraw cash for me. Yeah right, I’m sure that was a big lie. Best thing i ever did was take a leap of faith and run away from him.
How can you call him a "brat"? He is a VIOLENT ABUSER. He is physically attacking the pets, mentally abusing his children and wife. That is ABUSE. Not "brattiness." How can you downplay that man's behavior? She's not safe, the kids are not safe, the pets are not safe. Call a spade a spade, Dr. John. You need to direct her to professionals who can help her leave safely! The job is the first step, but she needs help and protection from that animal's violent behavior!
I'm fairly certain (having worked in domestic violence) that his tone and word choices are intentional despite him knowing the seriousness of the issues... very often domestic violence victims will get overwhelmed and shut down if you start telling them how horrible their partner is and how dangerous it is, etc...they take the intensity of that opposite of how you would want - they shut down and blame themselves even worse. Remember at the end he asked her if she blamed herself for staying too long? Imagine if he made the point more strongly...he is actually (imho) reading her very well...she is super broken down and sensitive and keeping the conversation relaxed vs. high stress (which using the words you mentioned would likely do) is the best way to lead her to come to her own conclusion about leaving. I bet you anything that when she called she was only thinking about the job part and the leaving part was in the future whereas now she very well may be leaving sooner. Of course the guy is far beyond a "big child" but she probably has lost all perspective and doesn't realize how bad it actually is. For sure though I would have blown the call and been like "Yo do you want your kids to grow up and think this is what relationships are like, cause it's abusive AF and you need to leave today"! Ya, not the best response though...
I pray all works out well for her🙏🐦 Fortunately I had worked throughout my 28-year marriage. I planned my escape. I found a little place to live. I packed up my things when he and my youngest were not at home (she sided with her dad). All hell broke loose when the lawyer called him. I moved out after lockdown. Divorced a year later. Peace at last. 💖💖💖🐾🐾🐾
Not sure if Chris will ever read this but if you do, just know that you're are so brave for getting out cuz some people never will. And you are a huge role model to both your children and all of us listeners who might be in a similar situation. To have that sense of "if she can do it, so can I" attitude which is heroic in my eyes. I hope you are able to finally get the happiness you deserve. ❤
Do it! Gal I know worked for our Uni in exchange for 1 course per quarter. She also had other job and side hustle. Took her 12 years to get through a 4 year program, but by the time she graduated, had earned contacts in her field, everybody’s respect, the chance to publish early, and an opportunity of her dreams to stay on - school was so impressed by her dedication her department chairs got together with the school to gift her a free MFA to start teaching there… it was amazing. She was a powerhouse. Just keep moving forward - don’t worry about anyone else’s pace. As long as you are moving forward you’ll get yours. Don’t give up. You are worth sticking it out for. ❤🎉
I promise you ma’am your kids would be so much happier even if you are struggling. It’s only temporary. Y’all will get to your new normal. Be strong ❤❤
Such a rare thing that a therapist could completely sort out such a complicated situation in such a short time! John nailed it! I am beyond impressed! 🙋♀️👏👏👏👍💙🥰‼️
I tried for years as i did not want to have to get a divorce,but after 36 years i was done and beyond caring,for me I had to get to that stage before divorcing him,i had 5 really hard years finacialy as well as mentally, its 10 years now but im back together got more work and recovered,he had new woman with in a month of me leaving, Im still alone but have peace which is more important to me,its was very hard but im still glad i did it.
It took me two years when I was a young woman to plan my escape. I had asked my husband about a separation since I found out he had a girlfriend. But he said that women alone get their heads cut off. So I would take things to work and send them home by UPS. Then I pack things up and after I left I came back and got them one day.
The problem with being a stay at home mom is being reliant on someone. Personally, I don’t trust people. So when it’s time to go, it’s time to go. I don’t want to be financially dependent on anyway. I think being a parent is such an important job. Unfortunately we don’t have a society that values the contribution of both mother and father. So many people have to choose between one or the other. Of course, stay at home parents are great. The same with teachers. Too bad we don’t live in a society that values and compensates them accordingly. Best of luck to this caller.
@@crystalglopez91623Actually there is a lot of good men out there but they are just invisible to women and put into the friendzone. A lot of good husbands too. Women initiate the divorce 80% of the time. On their second marriage the divorce rate jumps to 75% from 51% in which once again women initiate the divorce 80% of the time and 90% if they are college educated. Who do you think is the common denominator in these failed marriages?
@@BarnzTT I don't know if you realize how this statistics is based in reality of marriages. Many men have their reasons for not filing for divorce, and they are not pretty. Look a bit deeper into it.
It's so sad that this form of abuse is so prevalent. The male I was married to, if I did anything he didn't like which he had said he did like just the day before, he would either do the freeze out for a day or as long as 2 weeks. If he didn't do the freeze out, he would tell me that I was "all used up" after giving birth his 4 babies. He would tell me I was so used up that no one would ever want me, so I had no choice but to stay with him. Often, if he was in a bad mood & I was relaxing after dinner & cleaning the kitchen & dishes, he would become angry that I was enjoying doing needlework which he also didn't like. He would say, "Yeah, you're just a housewife, enjoy that needlework." When his freeze out wasn't affecting me, he would say & do mean things to upset our children. He would tell our 4 children that he was going to BBQ our pet birds & family dog. He is Filipino, often talked about eating dog meat. It upset our children very badly. He was active-duty military for most of our marriage. He was gone for 10 months out of the year. We moved 18 times in 22 years. It would have been nearly impossible to have a career or got to college classes while taking care of all that I would have to do when he was gone, or we had to move. I did try & the kiddos schoolwork suffered, the house & laundry wasn't done. Then, we would have to move when he got military orders. If we were in a house & he decided he didn't like it, wanted to move to a different house, he didn't care how I felt about it. I was the one who had to do the work to accomplish the move. After all, he would say, I was just a housewife with nothing to do all day. The bulk of the packing & unpacking, he would say, I had to earn my keep. I still made the meals including homemade bread. Still had to keep up with the childrens schooling, the cleaning, the cars & the bonehead things that his mom, dad & siblings did, then, ask him to help them out of the mess they made. Bail money, attorney fees, car repairs. When we returned to the USA, I was pretty much done with him. I was very afraid; my future was very uncertain. I knew I had to leave. A friend of mine had a storage unit that she allowed me to use. I began squirreling away cash, nonperishable groceries, putting in my friend's storage unit, he didn't know my friend. He may have been a bit suspicious a few times, it made me more cautious about putting things in the storage unit. I was putting things in the storage unit for 5 years. The abuse increased in severity. One night he beat me. One time, I made sure he wouldn't have the chance to do it again. I recovered, then, I left him & filed. Just as I thought he would, he withheld court ordered support from me. He was really perplexed as to how I was doing so well. A year after the divorce was finalized, I notice him showing up where I was, acting surprised to see me. He had put a tracking device on the underside of my car. He had also somehow, gotten a key to the house I was living in. He put a tracking app on my computer, to see what I was doing online. It was called "Eagle Eyes." He married someone else 4 years after the divorce. He still tried to spy on me & exert control over me. He got people on my social media who he didn't know, to add him. Then, he questioned people on my social media about me. I moved 600 miles south of where we had been living, where he still is as far as I know, When I have gone back to visit our children who still live in the area, he would act like he didn't know I was there, randomly stop by. When he did, I retreated to the bedroom I was using until he left. He would get tired of waiting, then give the child I was visiting, a "gift" to give to me. Most often it was large amounts of money. I did take the money, then, gave it to someone else who needed it more than I did. He still tries to weasel his way to find out what I'm doing & where I am. Our 4 children choose to interpret this as their fathers way of "showing he cares." BS It's his way of keeping his modicum of control over me. People who knew up when we were married say that it's painfully obvious that he feels very guilty for the way he treated me.
Naw, he just misses his scapegoat punching bag and his wittle ego got hurt. I deal with same, lesson learned by me, he is what he is a fake, nasty guy.
@@vickimerritt2832 This is most likely correct. Though he only physically abused me once, I didn't give him a chance to ever do it again. I recovered then, left.
Wow, what a life is ahead of you? It's gonna be awesome. No worries, heads up! Kids are watching and they will see their mom changing a family tree. We are your fans. Go for it.
I don't have kids so I realize it maybe was a bit diff for me, but I did leave a very toxic and abusive relationship after 15 years... I decided one day enough was enough, and I deserve better, and dangit, any thing was better than staying with him any longer. The fear of the unknown on the other side, the doubt, the "can i make it on my own" I promise you, on the other side of that fear, yes you can and you deserve it it will be hard but it is so worth the peace of mind youll have, the love for your self that will grow, and just being safe
He kicked a defenseless animal, the caller and the kids are next. In my opinion he is capable of basically anything. I hope she got out. It doesn't get better.
What people don't understand is just how much they enjoy hurting women. It's not that they "snap". They are constantly picking at their partner, trying to provoke a reaction so they have an "excuse" to hurt them.
@TheeStarlight yup that's bad too! Man I can't feel bad for the dog?! I have faith she will leave him and save herself with the kids. But damn let me feel bad about the poor pup. Jeez
Heyy, by chance would you like to be friends then? Im a 24 year old from the Caribbean and just thought it would be cool to connect with someone else to get a different perspective on things and just to vibe out.
Thank you Dr. John!! As the daughter of a narcissist who was manipulative and verbally abusive (to my mom)- get out NOW and do it for your kids!!! My mom did at 15 yrs and I learned who NOT TO MARRY!!! He ended up targeting my brother, then me after my mom left. Do it for yourself and your kids!!! TODAY!!!! (Chills Here) NOW, GO SHOW YOUR KIDS HOW STRONG YOU ARE!!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
When Dr. John is building up her confidence, you can tell by her reaction that her husband never says anything like that to her. I thought she was going to ask him out at the end.
We are all scared however I did the same thing your going through at 16 yrs. I made it through and here I am at 85 yrs I’m thankful to this day that I left I fortunately married a man who I knew for years and was so good to me we had a great life together. He has since passed away. If I had stayed in that first marriage I would not be the happy person I am today. Do it you may have to step down financially but the relationship with your children will be very strong they know what is going on. Your financials will improve and you’ll be able to relax and enjoy your new life.
This is so good cuz u heard her and gave her hope.i believe in her too. I was once in a very bad relationship not physically abuse but very stalkerish and never go thru it again. Lifes good and i hope she finds her way cuz life is worth it 🎉❤
Silent treatmant is the worst thing you could do to your wife. Hope this little boy "Ryan" learns when he is dragged through the divorce court. Good luck to her.
Women do it all the time. They also withold intimacy when they do not get their way. Women also ask men to sleep in the couch in a house they paid for. So I guess men have been abused all of these years too....
The stay at home mom thing is so true I kept N immaculate home satisfied him in the bedroom every evening and raised two children one a doc me one a lawyer I cut the grass washed the cars prepared homemade meals entertain Ed his family friends and collegegues and got nothing in divorce because he told the judge he was so distort over getting a divorce he would never work again we were married 22 years and he earns400k per year
*Woman calls in because she feels unsafe because her husband has violent behaviors and needs help setting up a get out plan* People in the comments:"😫🤬😱WHAT'S WRONG W HER, SHES MAKING HER HUSBAND LOOK BAD, SO ONE SIDED. TYPICAL WOMAN ALWAYS UNHAPPY AND UNGRATEFUL, AT *LEAST* HE LETS HER STAY HOME AND NOT WORK. HOW DARE SHE NOT TELL THIS VIOLENT PERSON HER GET OUT PLAN" ...bruh..
Yeah..it's actually disturbing. If he has already kicked the dog, it's a matter of time before it escalates into hurting her. I don't understand. These people just must be willfully ignorant on how abusive relationships actually work. Maybe there's a small small chance it wouldn't, but I wouldn't take that chance not with kids involved.
there's always crazy amounts of misogyny in the comments on the ramsey group. a lot of "men's rights" jilted men and incels who think all women are out to get them.
Weeks of silent treatment, violent outbursts, nasty things said to the kids, got his wife trapped via finances, screams narc abuse to me. Get out, get out, get out, get out. Wish we lived closer, I'd open my house to your and your babies, so you all have a safe place to land while you get away from that monster and on your feet again.
This is what happened to me. Exactly to everything this women says. It is extremely abusive and when you leave the legal abuse is absolutely horrific. 2 years later and I am still being abused but now thru the legal system. These men are horrific. They murder you.
If you’re a young woman reading this and you’re thinking of being a stay at home mum, just be aware, kids, life, illnesses, job losses, mental health decline, injuries can change people! I’ve seen it one too many times. Having a job as a mum is a necessity! Not having a job or a place to go to an earn money does create a sense of hopelessness especially when you’re kids are independent and at school. You need a sense of purpose to keep your mind active and functioning. This especially empowers you to take charge of your own life. This lifts your confidence! You also teach your kids how to look after themselves bc life is unpredictable.
Exactly. And getting education/having a career/owning a sustainable small business etc. is just positioning yourself to get compensated properly for your talents, time, and expertise serving the community.
My mom also got her degree late. I believe when she was around 47. It doesn’t matter how old you are it matters what you choose to do in that moment of your life.
His behavior changed when he got wind of her perhaps taking a job outside the home. That means he’s completely aware that his behavior has been unacceptable.
-Make a plan -Tell the people you can trust what your plan is -Take any help you can -Document everything -Breathe the fresh air and enjoy your freedom when you leave him. You’ll be scared but you’ll move forward. Failures will happen as the Doctor said. Your success will be climbing above your failures and standing on top of them.
I've been out 16 months and you'd be surprised how much energy you'll have to deal with other things when you're not constantly stressed out by your abusive partner.
As soon as she said, "...kicked the dogs a couple of times," I knew I'd take my kids AND the dogs and be out of there in a shot. Hubby Dearest is going to lose his sh** when she leaves; but if she can find a safe place to stay, even for a short while, he'll get over it (or be under arrest). I hope she gets herself, kids and dogs the helll out of there. SOON!!!
@@aliolivi He hasn't been physically abusive to her. Sounds like he has just been mean and you are normally mean to those you want to go away. If you can hurt or make them mad enough, you are hoping that getting out, while leaving your money alone, will be worth it to them. I stayed in my first marriage for 7 of the 10 years(doing enough to meet my responsibilities in the eyes of the court), just because my money and retirement would have been in danger. We were hell toward each other, but eventually she left and it only cost me 30k or so total. Half my future pension(which is the upper limit that could have happened) would have been far more destructive for me. Those seven years saved me hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Please be aware that most women are murdered by their partners around the time they leave the relationship. Have supports in place to protect yourself and your children and pets.
Women should always work and have money. Nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mom but as soon as the kids are old enough to go to school, get in the job market. Not having your own money can be a trap.
Better to try mama and succeed than not and never know. You need to get a go bag together and start a small exit envelope. Leave a set of keys outside the home where you can get to them and copies of documents at a safe location. The children are soaking in every toxic moment and framing their lives on it.
This really just reinforces my belief that people should be a lot more careful with who they marry. Of course no one can see into the future, but, the chance that this guy was the sweetest and kindest and most good willed person in the world that loved his wife, and then one day just woke up and became a violent abusing scumbag, i bet the chances of that scenario is incredibly low and that those tendencies were always at some level there in most scenarios. I won't blame the woman in this situation, but i hope this situation is a reminder to everyone to be extremely careful with who you decide to marry and be with for the rest of your life, and to try to know that person on an incredibly deep level beforehand
The red flags are usually very subtle and you don’t realize how bad they are until sometime after the marriage. These people are not dumb they know what they are doing.
Oh but now you are teaching women to be feminist and teaching them not to trust their husbands and why are you with someone you can’t trust yada yada. I’m being sarcastic. I always believe a woman should have money of her own. And a credit card.
@@LisaLisaCJ 1. Feminism is a good thing. 2. You shouldn’t trust anyone. Sucks but that’s the truth. The people closest to you can hurt you the most. And looking at divorce rates and the stories from women, there’s a good reason to have a back up plan. Do you just drive a car without insurance? No.
I know she can do it! It will take time, but her and her kids are worth it! Just keep your head up and don’t stop until you get out of that house and situation for good!!!
I would never be able to live with someone with such volatile behavior. Call me boring but I like consistency and drama free relationships. I dont know how people do it. One of children will probably inherent or pick those daddy traits and will live to terrorize her and/or his significant other. That's what happens when a spouse takes too long to leave unhealthy situations. Weeks on silent treatment!!
Same here. That's why I'm so hard on women. Women tend to stay longer in abusive relationships than they need to. Most are too scared to leave because they are co-dependent. Most women tend to pick bad men to begin with and it's always the children that suffer in the end. Their children will most likely grow up to be like their dad or like their co-dependent mom who'll select bad men to breed them, thus the cycle continues.
These relationships don’t usually start this way. It can happen to anyone. These types of abusive people often start off wonderful and charming but then change later on and there’s many actual physiological reasons for people staying. So let’s not victim blame shall we?
@@Carriesue1982 It's not victim blaming. It's requesting that women accept self accountability for their bad choices in life. Even when a relationship doesn't start off as abusive, there are always signs as the relationship progresses. There are always red flags. So are you telling me that in the 16 years of her marriage she hasn't seen any signs or red flags from her husband? It's all about self accountability. Once women notice the red flags whether right off the bat or a year later, what will she do about it? That's self accountability, not victim blaming.
Husbands a narcissist and she needs to run. This is an abuse situation and it’s time to go. Just leave. Take that job and go to a safe house or a shelter. Just until you save enough to get a place. But take that job. Get out of there
Especially hurting the kids that’s a no no mom. Have to keep the kids safe from this big baby who can’t hold his temper. All the best for you and THE KIDS.
I’ve been away for 10 months. My husband use to throw things. Hit things. Head butted and broken amirror. Yell at me. Screamed at me as our 2 month old was crying and he wouldn’t stop yelling after I begged him to. That’s when I knew he would never change and I needed to leave. And I made a plan. FINALLY Told my therapist what was going on. The truth. Finally told my parents what I’d been enduring. Told three people of the plan. And I left abruptly 6 months later. I left with my 8 month old and haven’t been back.
The worst part is how much of a pillar he is to our community. His actions are a complete 180 behind closed doors and I was too scared to even bring it up to our pastor in fear of upsetting him or being “disloyal”
I am so proud of myself. I’ve gotten a good job, and am caring for my son and I.
I pray you find the strength to leave and be proud, too.
How did you deal with his attempts to contact you? I'm always worried about consequences after leaving? Does he try to contact you? And did he fight for custody? Is so scaty after leaving..
Covert Narc😮
@user-qz4ji7dw3bI asked myself this questions for many years. I even asked him. He said he felt "attacked" and "not believed" I never yelled or screamed or cursed at him. I told him when he said or did XYZ it made me feel like he was being manipulative. It seemed like every time I told him something that HE DID bothered me, he got angry. Even me telling him my feelings were hurt because he didn't plan anything for my birthday, even though I asked him to and he said he would. He started yelling and said that I was asking him for "too much." I shut down and because I'm SCARED and it just made it worst it seemed like. It got to a point where I stopped bringing it up.
I've always encourage those who know us to ASK HIM "what I did to 'make him' throw an adult tantrum"
I even asked him if those who loved and adored him knew how he acted towards me would they questions his character, he said yes. I asked him if his sisters BF treated her the same manner he treats me, would he be happy with that. He said that he would be "the first one In San Diego" meaning... NO! He wouldn't.
So you tell me, what did I do to MAKE this grown man act this way? I protected him by not telling people about his behavior. And it only got worst. That's what I did.
@user-qz4ji7dw3bWhaaaaat the eff are you taking about?
I'm proud of you too! I did the same thing, 35 years ago. These guys are bully's behind closed doors, are liars to everyone else. Stand your ground and keep speaking the Truth
Get a plan, tell somebody, and get out! If you don’t feel safe do not tell this man your plans! Too many women are coming up missing or killed trying to leave.
I agree. The silent man is often the most dangerous man. Do NOT share your plans. Instead, be smart. Placate him by telling him you’re not leaving, not even thinking such a thing. When you’re ready to go, make a clean break.
You're at highest risk when you leave an abusive relationship. Safety plan and secret exit strategy.
The good thing about a workplace is....a place to store an overnight bag, paperwork...and some cash.
Do NOT tell ANYONE! Some people are not nice or believe that you are making up the fear.
You've got to give the wife a bit of a murdering if she is trying to leave you. Are you a man or a mouse?
Make sure to not let on that you’re leaving. Do
It when he’s not home.
And don’t tell him where you work! These type have no shame and cannot feel embarrassment. He will show up at your work and scare the holy hell out of the workplace.
Im not even in an abusive relationship and i needed to hear this
As a woman who is doing the exact same thing at the moment. Go girl! The relief on the other side is magical!
GET OUT. Mine assaulted me physically for 15 years and 10 yrs after I left he blames me for his violence. GET OUT. Now. DO NOT let him or anyone that knows him know. You have to get to a safe place and get out quietly.
Heyy, by chance would you like to be friends then? Im a 24 year old from the Caribbean and just thought it would be cool to connect with someone else to get a different perspective on things and just to vibe out.
you stayed for 15?
My mom’s rule. On hit and you’ll never see me again. Keep a go bag under the bed or somewhere else inconspicuous.
@anniesok868 Shut uppppp. Why do people like you always have to critic people who survived horrible abuse? It's not your business why she stayed. There are 1000000 reasons why abuse victims stay. Just stay quiet if you have absolutely nothing positive to say.
15 years. You allowed him to abuse you for 15 years.
This made me cry. Stay-at-home moms have so many skills it's ridiculous. They manage a household, and budget, manage time schedules for EVERY person, organize, constantly look for ways to save and for solutions, conflict resolution, etc. etc. It is never-ending. 24/7. They are the HR department, finance department, upper, middle, and at times lower management, and the worker all in one. Sure it might not be apples-to-apples comparable but I bet you they are great at adapting to new situations and are hard-working women.
To the lady who called in - I can't wait to hear an update. You and your kids deserve to not have to live in fear. To live your life and be free.
Damn I'm not doing well as a stahm cause after giving birth it took 5 months to walk again 😅 I gotta write down all the steps u said cause I do know I have to step up. Thanks for typing this 😅😅❤❤
All moms have no choice but to do these things. I worked two full time jobs, raised two sons, and went to school. It’s just life.
Her husband reminds me of my dad. Though he wouldn't do the silent treatment, he would yell, Say hurtful things and hurt the dogs. When my mom was divorcing him, He became the "perfect husband" he was nice but it was too late. He hurt my mother emotionally and he has hurt me and all my sisters, We all have anxiety, My oldest sister definitely has some ptsd, she got the worst of it.
Only a piece of crap would hurt animals and kids. I’m so sorry.
Hurt the dogs? So he was a psychopath
@@hillarybillary21 He's a very damaged man.
Dudes psychopathic hurting the animals.
He can't help that because that's literally how he was born.
This was me after 28 yrs. Finally got the courage to get a plan. Save money and go. DO IT SCARED!!
OMG, this describes my husband to the max. I can relate to how she feels because I live with this everyday. My husband has a cell phone, he never answers it when I call in an emergency. He won't even answer a text. I have to go into surgery and I can't depend on him to take care of me when I get home. He yells, screams, hangs onto things and goes over and over and over again about anything I do wrong.
I hope you find the strength to leave that life if he doesn't change.
I was terrified when I got out. I absolutely did not want a divorce but I was completely done. One kid at home finishing high school, I worked several jobs and had roommates but I did it. And never looked back. And yes it was hella hard. Best to you Chris you got this.
Be careful! He will have nothing to lose when he realizes what's happening.
You got his mama! Strangers on the other side if the world rooting for you!
Caller, you say you're afraid of failure, and John let you know that that's going to happen! Part of why you are afraid of failure is because you were with someone who refused to allow you to be human and make mistakes. Over and over and over and over and over again over 16 years worth! Please have grace for yourself and know that mistakes are how you learn! Abusers want to rip your self-esteem to shreds, and that is one tactic they used to do it! I hope you are doing great and succeeding in life and realizing that mistakes are OK and that you're doing a fantastic job not only with your life but with your kids!❤❤❤
When someone freezes you out, they are teaching you how to live without them.
YES!! ❤this interpretation
BINGO
No, it’s a power tactic
@@staceystrukel1917 Power tactic or not, it's a very childish & relationship damaging tactic. I'm almost grateful to the ex huzz for his many silent treatment episodes.
When I called him out for cheating on me or overspending or anything he knew was wrong yet did it anyway, the silent treatment was his answer. It prepared me for a life without him.
@@staceystrukel1917 it's a power tactic on his side but the upside to the silent treatment is that she is learning how to live without him. When someone uses this tactic , they have no more respect for the marriage.
*Take the job.* You will learn on the job. *Believe* in yourself. You will do Amazing!!!
She needs to leave BEFORE the job because he will sabatoge it. He should have told her to get out asap safely. It sounds like she has not been reporting or documenting anything which means he might get some custody. She needs some recordings and for the kids to testify against him so they don't have to go back there.
He probably doesn't want to give legal advice
She asked how to get over self doubt. So he talked to her about it
I left mine twice and went back. The third time he went after me in our van with a shotgun, a commando knife and bow and arrows
Thanks to guardian angel I made it out with snipers on the rooftop, a platoon of soldiers packing me up and not a penny in my pocket.
Document, document, document!!! But get out ASAP!!
The husband's reaction when she decides to leave is unpredictable. Based on his previous outbursts and uncontrolled emotions with just daily living.
Agreed. I've lived with a narcissist and he lost it when I broke up with him... police was almost called. I'd have the plan all set up... and an out... and a place to run. And then co parenting with him will be FUN. That will be a rocky road of its own.
@@dabd8175 This is such an insightless comment from you Dabd, I shudder - the dynamics are so different than with normal mentally stable honest persons. You can't believe how long-term they work on it to trap their victim. And how long term they set up other persons to collaborate against their victim. It seems not even psychologists always have experience enough to see through games narcissists play - and you definitively are not aware. Sincerely hope that you never get chosen to be targeted by a narcissist. You'll be helpless, because you think it is so easy avoid. Take care, learn with open eyes from the mistakes others generously share to help others again. All the best wishes, assuming you are just naive and not malicious.
14 years with an Ex Narcissist, I was nothing if I didn't play his game.
But he could never held accountable because it was never his fault.
I was at a new job I excelled in, he wanted to move us again...NOPE
I'm staying put, scared out of my mind, but I only had me to rely on, and you know what "I" did ok!!
I had always been told no one else would want me, I've been with my now husband for 23 years, I'm doing better than I could have ever imagined.
I also don't think I would be alive today had I stayed because in 2010 I had to have heart surgery, I would most likely not have had insurance and on top of that I honestly believe Ex would have made needing surgery my fault, I know the 6 weeks of recovery would have been impossible, where as my husband was able to take 3 weeks off paid leave and never left my side.
You have to live for you, scared or not you'll be OK, it won't happen overnight, just take it one day at a time.
100%
@@dabd8175 Yeah I totally get it. It's just that people (like people with narcissism and borderline) can put on a persona for years even... til the mask comes off and now you're in a nightmare you didn't sign up for. I agree with you for the most part.. there are often signs.. but many people don't know how to read the red flags... til you learn from you're unfortunate experience.
I'm so glad she has a friend she can rely on who helped her get a job that's amazing an rare for someone who hasn't worked for 15 years I hope she takes it, stays safe and flourishes. I can't wait for her update.
I stayed in the same type of situation for 11 years, and it will definitely be the hardest thing you do! BUT it will also be the best decision you've ever made!!!!! Once the chaos dies down, the internal peace you have is unimaginable. I have never, not one second, regretted the decision.
Secondly, my boss has a life philosophy that you should adopt..."fake it till you make it!' No one will know what you don't know. Keep it to yourself and you will learn everything you need to know as you go. You got this!!💖
It's over. And it won't get better sweetie. I'm with you. It stinks, then it's over. You can. And if you fail at the job there will be another one. You will be great! It’s lovely on the other side.
Girl run. His behavior is the main reason to take that job. You and your children deserve better. If you have friends and family, go stay with them while you build your finances. Or go to women’s shelter. I am a stay at home mom/wife. The best advice my dad gave me was be able to take care of yourself and have your way to go if he acts up. Ladies if you are going to be a stay at home mom/wife, make sure you have a back up plan in case things fall apart.
I was a single mom of two at the age of twenty one. I had to pick myself up by my boot straps my mother would not help me but when my dad found out my situation he came to get me. I was seven months pregnant with my second baby in a house with no electricity, heat, running water, no groceries, or car and one of the worst winters on record. As I struggled I would tell people that I never made a mistake in my life I JUST GAVE MYSELF SOME HARD LEARNING LESSONS. MISTAKES ARE ONLY MISTAKES IF YOU FAIL TO LEARN FROM THEM. THERE IS ONE THING YOU CAN DO THAT WILL ALWAYS BE A MISTAKE IS NOT TRYING. GOOD LUCK🙏
why did you have a second child if you couldnt even take care of the first one?
@@boston312 Birth control is not 100% effective 🙄
At least you are accepting self accountability for the choices you made in life. Most women make excuses and refuse to accept self accountability.
@boston312 why do you assume she consented to the sexual act that led to the pregnancy? Regardless, she is owning her mistakes. No need to shame her. She knows and she is taking care of business. Move along.
@@terriesmith2616Do you know most women?
When she files for divorce, he will say he is shocked.
He will still abuse her thru the legal system. It gets worst.
@user-qz4ji7dw3bFinances & assets are split 50/50 in divorce. And from the sound of this abusive man he wont be that bothered about his kids. Only 67% of divorced men still make the effort to see their kids after they've divorced. The percentage gets even lower if they remarry or cohabit with a new partner.
@user-qz4ji7dw3boh well! 🤷
My ex husband gave me the silent treatment for nearly 11 months. Nothing I did was ever good enough . Always complained about me to his mom, and it would make everything worse for me. ( we all lived together big mistake) I wasn’t allowed a car phone. I worked nights ( he would drop me off yet complain about it) and he did days. I hardly slept, I stayed home and took care of my son ( he was about a old) I made a safety plan and bought 2 one way tickets to Montana ( family here) the day I left he had no idea! He claimed him and his mom were going to the bank to withdraw cash for me. Yeah right, I’m sure that was a big lie. Best thing i ever did was take a leap of faith and run away from him.
How can you call him a "brat"? He is a VIOLENT ABUSER. He is physically attacking the pets, mentally abusing his children and wife. That is ABUSE. Not "brattiness." How can you downplay that man's behavior? She's not safe, the kids are not safe, the pets are not safe. Call a spade a spade, Dr. John. You need to direct her to professionals who can help her leave safely! The job is the first step, but she needs help and protection from that animal's violent behavior!
He never denied that her husband was abusive. I think you missed what he was saying completely.
I’m pretty sure that off air they help further with other resources and guidance.
I'm fairly certain (having worked in domestic violence) that his tone and word choices are intentional despite him knowing the seriousness of the issues... very often domestic violence victims will get overwhelmed and shut down if you start telling them how horrible their partner is and how dangerous it is, etc...they take the intensity of that opposite of how you would want - they shut down and blame themselves even worse. Remember at the end he asked her if she blamed herself for staying too long? Imagine if he made the point more strongly...he is actually (imho) reading her very well...she is super broken down and sensitive and keeping the conversation relaxed vs. high stress (which using the words you mentioned would likely do) is the best way to lead her to come to her own conclusion about leaving. I bet you anything that when she called she was only thinking about the job part and the leaving part was in the future whereas now she very well may be leaving sooner. Of course the guy is far beyond a "big child" but she probably has lost all perspective and doesn't realize how bad it actually is. For sure though I would have blown the call and been like "Yo do you want your kids to grow up and think this is what relationships are like, cause it's abusive AF and you need to leave today"! Ya, not the best response though...
You really can do anything - if you have the “why” you can do anything.
I needed to hear the story about your mom. I’m 42 also a mom and doing my first semester at community college
Way to go, Momma! Get it!
You can really do it at any age. I had a student who graduated from our university at 76.
❤
I pray all works out well for her🙏🐦
Fortunately I had worked throughout my 28-year marriage. I planned my escape. I found a little place to live. I packed up my things when he and my youngest were not at home (she sided with her dad).
All hell broke loose when the lawyer called him.
I moved out after lockdown. Divorced a year later.
Peace at last. 💖💖💖🐾🐾🐾
Not sure if Chris will ever read this but if you do, just know that you're are so brave for getting out cuz some people never will. And you are a huge role model to both your children and all of us listeners who might be in a similar situation. To have that sense of "if she can do it, so can I" attitude which is heroic in my eyes. I hope you are able to finally get the happiness you deserve. ❤
Your mum’s story is so so inspirational!!! 😭😭😭😭 so encouraged to pursue my dreams at 42.
Do it, you can 👍
@@Nature-ep5cu thank you 🫶🏽.
You’re still young! Do it
Do it!
Gal I know worked for our Uni in exchange for 1 course per quarter. She also had other job and side hustle. Took her 12 years to get through a 4 year program, but by the time she graduated, had earned contacts in her field, everybody’s respect, the chance to publish early, and an opportunity of her dreams to stay on - school was so impressed by her dedication her department chairs got together with the school to gift her a free MFA to start teaching there… it was amazing. She was a powerhouse. Just keep moving forward - don’t worry about anyone else’s pace. As long as you are moving forward you’ll get yours. Don’t give up. You are worth sticking it out for. ❤🎉
I promise you ma’am your kids would be so much happier even if you are struggling. It’s only temporary. Y’all will get to your new normal. Be strong ❤❤
Such a rare thing that a therapist could completely sort out such a complicated situation in such a short time! John nailed it! I am beyond impressed! 🙋♀️👏👏👏👍💙🥰‼️
I tried for years as i did not want to have to get a divorce,but after 36 years i was done and beyond caring,for me I had to get to that stage before divorcing him,i had 5 really hard years finacialy as well as mentally, its 10 years now but im back together got more work and recovered,he had new woman with in a month of me leaving, Im still alone but have peace which is more important to me,its was very hard but im still glad i did it.
It took me 23 years to finally figure out that I was not the problem
I needed to hear your mom’s story. I just turned 43 an I need to make some changes in my life
It took me two years when I was a young woman to plan my escape. I had asked my husband about a separation since I found out he had a girlfriend. But he said that women alone get their heads cut off. So I would take things to work and send them home by UPS. Then I pack things up and after I left I came back and got them one day.
Y’all I couldn’t give zero craps about what this guys “side” is. You NEVER kick an innocent animal!!! Ugh anyone who justifies this behavior is sick!
That, insulting his kids, and who knows what else. This definitely seems like one of those times when a dutiful wife needs to call it a day.
I agree. Can't imagine staying with someone like that for another minute
7:58 This almost moved me to tears. I’ve definitely been choosing a decision that doesn’t make sense because it’s hard to take a chance on myself.
The problem with being a stay at home mom is being reliant on someone. Personally, I don’t trust people. So when it’s time to go, it’s time to go. I don’t want to be financially dependent on anyway.
I think being a parent is such an important job. Unfortunately we don’t have a society that values the contribution of both mother and father. So many people have to choose between one or the other. Of course, stay at home parents are great. The same with teachers. Too bad we don’t live in a society that values and compensates them accordingly.
Best of luck to this caller.
Being a stahm is only safe with a good man.. 😞
@@crystalglopez91623yep. I know many friend who have amazing husbands. I didn’t have one, but I’ve seen some who do.
@@crystalglopez91623Actually there is a lot of good men out there but they are just invisible to women and put into the friendzone. A lot of good husbands too. Women initiate the divorce 80% of the time. On their second marriage the divorce rate jumps to 75% from 51% in which once again women initiate the divorce 80% of the time and 90% if they are college educated. Who do you think is the common denominator in these failed marriages?
@@crystalglopez91623 is there really such a thing as a good trusting man though? Enough to be totally dependent?
@@BarnzTT I don't know if you realize how this statistics is based in reality of marriages. Many men have their reasons for not filing for divorce, and they are not pretty. Look a bit deeper into it.
You can do this, be brave, your kids need you.
Absolutely golden advice. I hope the caller recorded it and played it over and over, and got out!
I have no doubt you gonna knock it out of the park. You've got this.🎉🎉🎉
So many of us have been there. I hope Chris and her kids are learning to thrive ❤
It's so sad that this form of abuse is so prevalent.
The male I was married to, if I did anything he didn't like which he had said he did like just the day before, he would either do the freeze out for a day or as long as 2 weeks.
If he didn't do the freeze out, he would tell me that I was "all used up" after giving birth his 4 babies. He would tell me I was so used up that no one would ever want me, so I had no choice but to stay with him.
Often, if he was in a bad mood & I was relaxing after dinner & cleaning the kitchen & dishes, he would become angry that I was enjoying doing needlework which he also didn't like. He would say, "Yeah, you're just a housewife, enjoy that needlework."
When his freeze out wasn't affecting me, he would say & do mean things to upset our children. He would tell our 4 children that he was going to BBQ our pet birds & family dog.
He is Filipino, often talked about eating dog meat. It upset our children very badly.
He was active-duty military for most of our marriage. He was gone for 10 months out of the year. We moved 18 times in 22 years. It would have been nearly impossible to have a career or got to college classes while taking care of all that I would have to do when he was gone, or we had to move. I did try & the kiddos schoolwork suffered, the house & laundry wasn't done. Then, we would have to move when he got military orders. If we were in a house & he decided he didn't like it, wanted to move to a different house, he didn't care how I felt about it.
I was the one who had to do the work to accomplish the move. After all, he would say, I was just a housewife with nothing to do all day. The bulk of the packing & unpacking, he would say, I had to earn my keep. I still made the meals including homemade bread. Still had to keep up with the childrens schooling, the cleaning, the cars & the bonehead things that his mom, dad & siblings did, then, ask him to help them out of the mess they made. Bail money, attorney fees, car repairs.
When we returned to the USA, I was pretty much done with him.
I was very afraid; my future was very uncertain. I knew I had to leave. A friend of mine had a storage unit that she allowed me to use. I began squirreling away cash, nonperishable groceries, putting in my friend's storage unit, he didn't know my friend. He may have been a bit suspicious a few times, it made me more cautious about putting things in the storage unit. I was putting things in the storage unit for 5 years.
The abuse increased in severity.
One night he beat me. One time, I made sure he wouldn't have the chance to do it again. I recovered, then, I left him & filed.
Just as I thought he would, he withheld court ordered support from me. He was really perplexed as to how I was doing so well.
A year after the divorce was finalized, I notice him showing up where I was, acting surprised to see me. He had put a tracking device on the underside of my car. He had also somehow, gotten a key to the house I was living in. He put a tracking app on my computer, to see what I was doing online. It was called "Eagle Eyes."
He married someone else 4 years after the divorce. He still tried to spy on me & exert control over me. He got people on my social media who he didn't know, to add him. Then, he questioned people on my social media about me.
I moved 600 miles south of where we had been living, where he still is as far as I know, When I have gone back to visit our children who still live in the area, he would act like he didn't know I was there, randomly stop by. When he did, I retreated to the bedroom I was using until he left. He would get tired of waiting, then give the child I was visiting, a "gift" to give to me. Most often it was large amounts of money.
I did take the money, then, gave it to someone else who needed it more than I did.
He still tries to weasel his way to find out what I'm doing & where I am. Our 4 children choose to interpret this as their fathers way of "showing he cares."
BS
It's his way of keeping his modicum of control over me.
People who knew up when we were married say that it's painfully obvious that he feels very guilty for the way he treated me.
Naw, he just misses his scapegoat punching bag and his wittle ego got hurt. I deal with same, lesson learned by me, he is what he is a fake, nasty guy.
@@vickimerritt2832 This is most likely correct. Though he only physically abused me once, I didn't give him a chance to ever do it again. I recovered then, left.
Lived her life. Finally, I left. It wasn’t easy, surround yourself with positive, encouraging people. Breath, Believe!
Wow, what a life is ahead of you? It's gonna be awesome. No worries, heads up! Kids are watching and they will see their mom changing a family tree. We are your fans. Go for it.
I don't have kids so I realize it maybe was a bit diff for me, but I did leave a very toxic and abusive relationship after 15 years... I decided one day enough was enough, and I deserve better, and dangit, any thing was better than staying with him any longer. The fear of the unknown on the other side, the doubt, the "can i make it on my own"
I promise you, on the other side of that fear, yes you can and you deserve it
it will be hard but it is so worth the peace of mind youll have, the love for your self that will grow, and just being safe
He kicked a defenseless animal, the caller and the kids are next. In my opinion he is capable of basically anything. I hope she got out. It doesn't get better.
What people don't understand is just how much they enjoy hurting women. It's not that they "snap". They are constantly picking at their partner, trying to provoke a reaction so they have an "excuse" to hurt them.
This abusive marriage is nearly my story… I’m at the divorce portion… you can do it! Keep going!
I hate him! Kicking dogs...scum of the earth. You got this girl!!! You can do it
agreed
I think it's worse the way he treats his wife.
She said he does bad things to kids that's my biggest concern and what that means
@texan903 ya sure that too...horrible!
@TheeStarlight yup that's bad too! Man I can't feel bad for the dog?! I have faith she will leave him and save herself with the kids. But damn let me feel bad about the poor pup. Jeez
Good luck, sending hugs. I have been trying to run away for 32 years.
What state are you in?
@@juicysmith38235 CA
Heyy, by chance would you like to be friends then? Im a 24 year old from the Caribbean and just thought it would be cool to connect with someone else to get a different perspective on things and just to vibe out.
Thank you Dr. John!! As the daughter of a narcissist who was manipulative and verbally abusive (to my mom)- get out NOW and do it for your kids!!! My mom did at 15 yrs and I learned who NOT TO MARRY!!! He ended up targeting my brother, then me after my mom left. Do it for yourself and your kids!!! TODAY!!!! (Chills Here) NOW, GO SHOW YOUR KIDS HOW STRONG YOU ARE!!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
I highly recommend the book The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. It will give her a place to start and steps for a plan.
So awful of a situation for her. 15 years as a stay at home mom, and now this. How sad. I could be in the same position very easily
When Dr. John is building up her confidence, you can tell by her reaction that her husband never says anything like that to her. I thought she was going to ask him out at the end.
I’m 18 getting ready to start a job for a very prominent steel company… that over coming doubt talk is what I needed to hear. Well said sir!
When you leave, that is the begining of your empowerment you are stronger than you have been told❤
I hope she gets her most important things out, can start new somewhere, and be happy. ❤
This was so effing kind ❤
We are all scared however I did the same thing your going through at 16 yrs. I made it through and here I am at 85 yrs I’m thankful to this day that I left I fortunately married a man who I knew for years and was so good to me we had a great life together. He has since passed away. If I had stayed in that first marriage I would not be the happy person I am today. Do it you may have to step down financially but the relationship with your children will be very strong they know what is going on. Your financials will improve and you’ll be able to relax and enjoy your new life.
This is so good cuz u heard her and gave her hope.i believe in her too. I was once in a very bad relationship not physically abuse but very stalkerish and never go thru it again. Lifes good and i hope she finds her way cuz life is worth it 🎉❤
Silent treatmant is the worst thing you could do to your wife. Hope this little boy "Ryan" learns when he is dragged through the divorce court. Good luck to her.
Women do it all the time. They also withold intimacy when they do not get their way. Women also ask men to sleep in the couch in a house they paid for. So I guess men have been abused all of these years too....
@@BarnzTTbut this clip is not about men is it?
As for him he’s a narcissist and it’s never going to get better. He’s not going to change
The stay at home mom thing is so true I kept N immaculate home satisfied him in the bedroom every evening and raised two children one a doc me one a lawyer I cut the grass washed the cars prepared homemade meals entertain Ed his family friends and collegegues and got nothing in divorce because he told the judge he was so distort over getting a divorce he would never work again we were married 22 years and he earns400k per year
Really?? You got nothing in the divorce? 😮
You can do it!!! Go get the life you deserve my dear.
Great call! Good advice for her, and she definitely needs a few wins to gain her confidence.
*Woman calls in because she feels unsafe because her husband has violent behaviors and needs help setting up a get out plan*
People in the comments:"😫🤬😱WHAT'S WRONG W HER, SHES MAKING HER HUSBAND LOOK BAD, SO ONE SIDED. TYPICAL WOMAN ALWAYS UNHAPPY AND UNGRATEFUL, AT *LEAST* HE LETS HER STAY HOME AND NOT WORK. HOW DARE SHE NOT TELL THIS VIOLENT PERSON HER GET OUT PLAN"
...bruh..
Yeah..it's actually disturbing. If he has already kicked the dog, it's a matter of time before it escalates into hurting her. I don't understand. These people just must be willfully ignorant on how abusive relationships actually work.
Maybe there's a small small chance it wouldn't, but I wouldn't take that chance not with kids involved.
These people are what the callers husband is. You show sympathy to your own kind.
Yep. All these anti woman red pilled misogynists.
there's always crazy amounts of misogyny in the comments on the ramsey group. a lot of "men's rights" jilted men and incels who think all women are out to get them.
Tr-ll
Weeks of silent treatment, violent outbursts, nasty things said to the kids, got his wife trapped via finances, screams narc abuse to me. Get out, get out, get out, get out. Wish we lived closer, I'd open my house to your and your babies, so you all have a safe place to land while you get away from that monster and on your feet again.
This is what happened to me. Exactly to everything this women says. It is extremely abusive and when you leave the legal abuse is absolutely horrific. 2 years later and I am still being abused but now thru the legal system. These men are horrific. They murder you.
Wow. Your moms story is inspiring. I needed that
If you’re a young woman reading this and you’re thinking of being a stay at home mum, just be aware, kids, life, illnesses, job losses, mental health decline, injuries can change people! I’ve seen it one too many times. Having a job as a mum is a necessity! Not having a job or a place to go to an earn money does create a sense of hopelessness especially when you’re kids are independent and at school. You need a sense of purpose to keep your mind active and functioning. This especially empowers you to take charge of your own life. This lifts your confidence! You also teach your kids how to look after themselves bc life is unpredictable.
Exactly. And getting education/having a career/owning a sustainable small business etc. is just positioning yourself to get compensated properly for your talents, time, and expertise serving the community.
I agree. It’s a horrible feeling to be stuck with someone toxic and feeling like you can’t leave due to finances
😂🤣
My mom also got her degree late. I believe when she was around 47. It doesn’t matter how old you are it matters what you choose to do in that moment of your life.
Oh man Johns mom story ! 🥺
His behavior changed when he got wind of her perhaps taking a job outside the home. That means he’s completely aware that his behavior has been unacceptable.
-Make a plan
-Tell the people you can trust what your plan is
-Take any help you can
-Document everything
-Breathe the fresh air and enjoy your freedom when you leave him. You’ll be scared but you’ll move forward.
Failures will happen as the Doctor said. Your success will be climbing above your failures and standing on top of them.
Your mom’s story about her career is so inspiring! I’m getting my associates at 27 as a mom and want to continue on as well!!!
I've been out 16 months and you'd be surprised how much energy you'll have to deal with other things when you're not constantly stressed out by your abusive partner.
As soon as she said, "...kicked the dogs a couple of times," I knew I'd take my kids AND the dogs and be out of there in a shot. Hubby Dearest is going to lose his sh** when she leaves; but if she can find a safe place to stay, even for a short while, he'll get over it (or be under arrest). I hope she gets herself, kids and dogs the helll out of there. SOON!!!
If she doesn't seek any of his money, he will likely be fine with her leaving.
@@diggernash1You have zero idea how abuse works.
@@aliolivi He hasn't been physically abusive to her. Sounds like he has just been mean and you are normally mean to those you want to go away. If you can hurt or make them mad enough, you are hoping that getting out, while leaving your money alone, will be worth it to them. I stayed in my first marriage for 7 of the 10 years(doing enough to meet my responsibilities in the eyes of the court), just because my money and retirement would have been in danger. We were hell toward each other, but eventually she left and it only cost me 30k or so total. Half my future pension(which is the upper limit that could have happened) would have been far more destructive for me. Those seven years saved me hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Didn’t sound like she was worried about taking the dogs and I didn’t hear much common sense either
I love that story about your mom Dr. John❤
“we prefer the certainty of misery over the misery of uncertainty.”
Been there, done that Chris in Huntsville. You got this. I’m rooting for you!
Please be aware that most women are murdered by their partners around the time they leave the relationship. Have supports in place to protect yourself and your children and pets.
Thank you so much for sharing your story about your Mom! I needed to hear it today ❤😊
How long before he kicks you?Please don’t find out.
Women should always work and have money. Nothing wrong with being a stay-at-home mom but as soon as the kids are old enough to go to school, get in the job market. Not having your own money can be a trap.
Better to try mama and succeed than not and never know. You need to get a go bag together and start a small exit envelope. Leave a set of keys outside the home where you can get to them and copies of documents at a safe location. The children are soaking in every toxic moment and framing their lives on it.
This really just reinforces my belief that people should be a lot more careful with who they marry. Of course no one can see into the future, but, the chance that this guy was the sweetest and kindest and most good willed person in the world that loved his wife, and then one day just woke up and became a violent abusing scumbag, i bet the chances of that scenario is incredibly low and that those tendencies were always at some level there in most scenarios. I won't blame the woman in this situation, but i hope this situation is a reminder to everyone to be extremely careful with who you decide to marry and be with for the rest of your life, and to try to know that person on an incredibly deep level beforehand
The abuser is the problem in this scenario , not her. Abuse is NEVER our fault!!
@@gabrielamartiniuc6322 read the comment again
@@gabrielamartiniuc6322Women and accountability at its finest..... You chose the wrong partner and not take a good look at your decision making.
@@BarnzTTthese guys usually hide bad traits until after the marriage, unfortunately
The red flags are usually very subtle and you don’t realize how bad they are until sometime after the marriage. These people are not dumb they know what they are doing.
This is why I tell women don’t fall into that “trad wife’s stay at home” bs because then you’re trapped. Always have your own money.
Amen, sister! Always have a cash stash, too. The abusers seem to know how to get to bank accounts and wipe them out.
Yeah, that's giving up your power.
Oh but now you are teaching women to be feminist and teaching them not to trust their husbands and why are you with someone you can’t trust yada yada. I’m being sarcastic. I always believe a woman should have money of her own. And a credit card.
@@LisaLisaCJ 1. Feminism is a good thing. 2. You shouldn’t trust anyone. Sucks but that’s the truth. The people closest to you can hurt you the most. And looking at divorce rates and the stories from women, there’s a good reason to have a back up plan. Do you just drive a car without insurance? No.
Always have fu money, decent credit….I only trust myself and never let ur right hand know what ur l ft hand is doing
I’ve been watching this show for over a year and just now noticed that Dr. John is left-handed. Lefties of the world unite.!!!❤😂❤😂
He actually ✨ambidextrous✨so you’re not going crazy! 😂
Deloitte didn't implode with the Enron mess - it was Arthur Andersen. I worked for both CPA firms.
There are literally Billions of women in this exact situation worldwide and it's tragic
I know she can do it! It will take time, but her and her kids are worth it! Just keep your head up and don’t stop until you get out of that house and situation for good!!!
I would never be able to live with someone with such volatile behavior. Call me boring but I like consistency and drama free relationships. I dont know how people do it. One of children will probably inherent or pick those daddy traits and will live to terrorize her and/or his significant other. That's what happens when a spouse takes too long to leave unhealthy situations. Weeks on silent treatment!!
Hi same here. It doesn't make any sense to me.
Same here.
That's why I'm so hard on women. Women tend to stay longer in abusive relationships than they need to. Most are too scared to leave because they are co-dependent. Most women tend to pick bad men to begin with and it's always the children that suffer in the end.
Their children will most likely grow up to be like their dad or like their co-dependent mom who'll select bad men to breed them, thus the cycle continues.
These relationships don’t usually start this way. It can happen to anyone. These types of abusive people often start off wonderful and charming but then change later on and there’s many actual physiological reasons for people staying. So let’s not victim blame shall we?
@@Carriesue1982
It's not victim blaming. It's requesting that women accept self accountability for their bad choices in life.
Even when a relationship doesn't start off as abusive, there are always signs as the relationship progresses. There are always red flags.
So are you telling me that in the 16 years of her marriage she hasn't seen any signs or red flags from her husband?
It's all about self accountability. Once women notice the red flags whether right off the bat or a year later, what will she do about it?
That's self accountability, not victim blaming.
@@terriesmith2616do you know most women?
Husbands a narcissist and she needs to run. This is an abuse situation and it’s time to go. Just leave. Take that job and go to a safe house or a shelter. Just until you save enough to get a place. But take that job. Get out of there
100% a narc. Get away get away get away!
Calling in on something that will be broadcast is not a good idea to keep this or anything a secret.
Excellent point
A doubt the abuser knowe the shows exists
@@erismana2105 But someone he knows may
I hope she sees this comment and leaves today. The abuse may escalate when he finds out. She and her kids aren’t safe.
I doubt the name is her real name.
I’m getting out, got my plane ticket, got my car fixed and transfer to new state soon in silence leaving while he’s at work had enough
Especially hurting the kids that’s a no no mom. Have to keep the kids safe from this big baby who can’t hold his temper. All the best for you and THE KIDS.
You can do this🙏Love from Norway❤️