How Do I Know if I Have Emotional Trauma
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- Опубликовано: 7 апр 2022
- How Do I Know if I Have Emotional Trauma #AskATherapist //
Have you ever wondered if you have emotional trauma? How do you know if you've been traumatized? Watch this video to learn the difference between physical and emotional trauma and resources that can help.
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I like the comment 'this is not the Olympics of suffering'. Not comparing trauma, not saying one person's trauma is worse and more valid, etc., is so important. Your trauma is your trauma and how it affects your life is valid, period.
True. Send love ❤️
This is so important to hear!! 😭
Ahhh...
Thank you for leaving this comment.😭
I can't count the number of times I was told "this is not as bitter as what I went through" followed by the belief that I was too sensitive to think something had hurt me deeply.
Although I'm currently talking to a therapist for months now, it's a tough journey for me to finally realize my trauma is VALID. And it's not less painful than anyone's.
EVERYONE'S trauma is VALID.
“There’s always someone being slaughtered by a bigger stack of splinters somewhere.” -Brown Bird
Thank you for this comment, cause I got so mad when my best friend was comparing what I've been through with some strangers life, how they had it worse but managed and I don't. I got so frustrated and mad, I couldn't continue being friends with that person anymore, it just wasn't the same between us, even tho I tried to hang out with her..
We're all just layers and layers of trauma. Some of it really blunt and brutal, some of it subtle and nefarious. Some of us are mostly scars, some of us are bleeding wounds. We need to treat each other softly and gently. And we really, really, really need to treat ourselves that way too.
❤️❤️
Beautiful comment 🤍
we're all onions with emotions
Yesss ❤🌞
I've been told that my experiences were nothing and that I needed to get over them by the people that were inflicting the trauma. I've stopped standing up for myself in situations out of the fear of people ridiculing and saying "get over it it's not that big of a deal." I've internalized it so much to the point where before I started writing this comment I almost stopped myself because I've been conditioned to think that my feelings and pain was just me overreacting and me being sensitive. I still struggle to call it trauma because it feels like it was just a joke I took the wrong way. I cannot count how many times I've heard "you're overreacting" "well it could be worse" or "that wasn't what you were experiencing you just took it the wrong way." I've even been laughed at for opening up about my past experiences and I think I have trauma from that because my feelings have been invalidated over and over, I now just subconsciously invalidate them on my own to avoid the pain of being told that I wasn't actually hurt. God, I really need better friends.
I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to post something. I'm so sorry your friends are being such jerks about whatever trauma you went through. As Jonathan said in the video there are groups out there for support. I would seek out one of those groups to see if they could be a support system for you.
yo fr. i’ve had the same thing happen. but know that your feelings are valid, and don’t let people gaslight you into feeling or thinking something different, because they clearly hurt you. also i agree, you do need better friends (respectfully)
My step father, step brothers and older sister did this to me as well and it’s also made me internalize things to such a degree that i start to believe I’m actually the problem. These people are wrong though and are showing their own emotional immaturity. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with feeling things strongly, or for wanting to defend yourself; those are proof of love, both for yourself and others
It’s good your reaching out. I remember how hard this stage is, but it’s important and hopefully it will help you with sharing with people in real life who are actively interested in helping you.
I didn’t think I’d even been traumatized till I left home for college and found that I was suffering from cptsd symptoms, mentions of parenting would lead me back into how I was treated, touching me caused me to instinctively go to attack whoever touched me, I struggled to sleep, and found myself constantly stuck reliving past trauma and having to go through all the emotions and pain again.
All I can say is don’t give up hope, you can stand up for yourself and you can recover from it, but you better want it. One of my biggest problems in recovering was my own self loathing, I saw myself as little more then a monster or a weapon because I got told that the only thing I was good for was hurting people and it had seemingly been proven true.
I wanted to join the military have someone tell me who the bad guys were and kill them until I took a bullet to the brain so that I didn’t kill someone I cared about by accident. Didn’t end up going into the military due to Covid instead ended up in college with a good housemate and good school mates who have helped me (mostly) to overcome a lot of it.
Point is, you are worth more then you could imagine, don’t give up hope, and don’t think that you have to do it alone.
the quote "this is not the olympics of suffering" was shocking, sometimes I dont take my anger or sadness too serious because i feel like I dont have it worst than others or am not in a place to feel the way I actually feel. Thank you for that.
Same! Such a liberating comment.
same except my parents tell me that "im not as worse as others" as way of "comfort" i love them but they can be invalidating sometimes
When I was going through tough times as a kid one of my coping mechanisms was to just ignore them, not dwell on them, try to forget them, not process the trauma at all.
Now as an adult who's in a healthier space, occasionally my brain will go, "Hey, remember that thing that you weren't equipped to deal with way back when? Well, you're equipped now and I want you to properly process it now so we can heal. Here ya go."
And the next thing I know I'm crying my tears out for a stuffed bunny that was forcibly taken from me when I was five. A stuffed bunny that I almost certainly would have thrown out by now had I kept it.
Ohhhh yes, I relate to this a lot.
I've been seeing a therapist just as a sort of preventative "everyone should have counseling" mindset. I even felt awkward at first that I'm happy and don't have much to discuss. But I'm so glad I started going cause she found emotional trauma in the death of my mom, and so many things I do in relationships stem from that feeling of abandonment. It's exactly like you said, my world felt safe and then I found out it wasn't. Working through that has really opened the door for healthier ways of dealing with the triggers when I start to feel unsafe.
Thank you for sharing this. I've been considering therapy for some time, but I've been having difficulty getting past the roadblock of thinking my problems aren't big enough to be worth taking up someone's time. I always appreciate hearing about other people looking out for themselves in this way, and showing that it's okay for us to take care of ourselves.
It also helps because you are able to make a distinction between thoughts of feeling unsafe, and actually knowing when you're unsafe.
@@RestlessHarp Some people find swimming very easy to do, others struggle with swimming.
"This isn't the Olympics of suffering." Yeeees, thankyou!
I struggled with the loss of home (because of a big move) and not being as close to my family and friends, lossing a community, the loss of healthy coping strategies that I had (enjoying nature) the landscape looking totally different.. the stress of not knowing where any stores were. Just, whole world turned upside down. People who have had a big and different and scary move can understand this. But so many people around me just couldn't get it. They hadn't experienced a big move and that many losses so the response was very much unhelpful and quite hurtful more often because they wanted me to just get over the loss. A decade later, I am doing much better, but it very much felt like a death. As I have read about losses from death, this loss of home has felt very much the same. And possibly if the people around me were a tad more empathetic, well, maybe I wouldn't have gone into complicated grief for a while if I had more support from them. Anyway, my loss was compared to "not as bad" as a death (for instance) but that didn't help me "get over it" sooner. I am finding my way though.
Thanks for your videos! 😁
I didn't have the same experiences as you but based on my own traumas I totally understand you. It's tough, it really is. 💔
I'm so glad you're finding your healing tho.
We should all find it, even if nobody helps us out. 🥰
I lost my home recently because I was cheated on and it really isn't fun
@@sleepyninjarin7971 ❤
@@sleepyninjarin7971 that must've been super difficult...💔 I'm so sorry, my heart is with you.
About a year and a half ago, I had a traumatic move. It came five years after another traumatic move. Back in 2015, I was divorced from an abusive man. I moved back in with my parents on their property. The property that has been in my family for over forty years. In the divorce, I lost the house we owned together. Then five years after the divorce, my parents sold the property that had been a sanctuary for so many of our family, and they moved to Idaho. (From northern Cali) They wanted me to love with them, so I did. It was the most depressed I’d been in a long time. No friends, no familiar bike trails, too cold to go ride anyway, my church family gone, no job. It was horrible! I only lasted three months there. Then I got rid of almost everything I owned, packed what I could in my car, and drove the 15 hours back to California. But it was the same for me. People just didn’t understand why I was so depressed. Why I couldn’t get over it and find new friends, a new church and new bike trails. That only added to my feelings of isolation. I’m glad you are happy now, cuz I know how that feels and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
Trauma can be as small as a baby being left to cry for hours and no one coming to comfort it. All of our problems and demons stem from unavoidable micro-traumas that just happens to everyone. Even "perfect parents" will unintentionally traumatise their children. The degree and impact it has on your adult life will be different but it still leaves a mark. Not to say that now we are all doomed, quite the opposite. As soon as we accept each and every one of us has trauma the easier it will become to heal
that’s what worries me about being a parent if/when i become one. i don’t wanna traumatise my potential kids even if i’m a “perfect parent”
I'm struggling with a church hurt that I had for three years. I've told myself that I didn't need church and that I hate religion, but I love Jesus. I think I've found a church family that can help me with my struggle. God has been softening my heart and telling me that when I say that I don't need church (the people in it), I am prideful. I felt unheard and unseen when I needed help.
Just want to say I relate to this... hope you've found a church that breathes out community-care and can help you heal.
Church trauma is some of the WORST. Something about being rejected by a supposedly redemption-centric group just cuts deeper.
@@carolynv8979 Its honestly traumatizing. There's nothing more terrifying than feeling like your eternal well-being is at stake. I went through religious trauma as a child for years and it really affected me growing up. I can now say I have a great relationship with Jesus, but it was tough at the time
Being pushed out of your therapist office abruptly because of the end of the session. honesty, that's really traumatising, and causes flashbacks of being shoved out in the middle of the night during violent parent's rampage when you were a young child. for example cough cough
People tell me that I shouldn't be traumatized or triggered by the death of my favorite manager at work, because we're not blood related and I'm taking his passing harder than I took my grandmother's (which happened two weeks after my manager's).
My grandmother had a loving family and got to live an entire life. My manager was only 26, and his life ahead, all his potential was stolen from him.
When I think about the beautiful weather he'll miss out on, the vacations he'll never get to take, how his first video game will never be made, I cry and cry and cry.
I still work at the same place, and can't help but compare my current managers' performance/lack of compassion to how he always uplifted and listened to everyone around him.
After I moved out and wasn't trapped in my toxic family situation anymore, I thought I had let it go. I thought I had gotten over it. It took me until this year (3 years after I moved out) to realize that the emotional trauma is still affecting me. Thankfully I have a pretty solid support system, and I started meeting with a therapist a few months ago to help me work through things. My boyfriend, his parents, and my dad and stepmom have been the biggest supporters in helping me learn to be strong and stand up for myself.
For me, I think the first real step to healing was allowing myself to feel angry, betrayed, even furious that I was treated so poorly. Not everyone handles trauma the same way of course, but in my case I diminished my own value so much that I only felt afraid and helpless. The moment I felt genuine anger towards my abusers for how I was treated was the moment I began to truly value myself. Also, get care specifically from a trauma-informed therapist! I never thought I could face my triggers, but I've really surprised myself with my own resilience and bravery :) You can take your power back. You can thrive. And you deserve to!
The biggest help for my emotional trauma has been finding meaningful connections. I've had friends come to me assuming that my mental health improved because of one thing, but the truth is, I've made the most progress when I've had a vast network of support. A therapist I work well with, a doctor who listens and validates me, a spiritual leader who helps me heal, living and supportive friends and family, some friends and strangers who have been through what I've been through, yoga, journaling, medication... It takes hard work, time, and resources to heal and it is so worth it!
My mother died when I was 17. She was sick ever since I was 5 years old. She never told me what was wrong but I just remember her being flippant with her health and just taking her 8 different medications. The only thing I learned was that she had diabetes. She never watched her diet and didn't seem to care that she was getting worse. There were a lot of other things that just made her health worse but she refused to change. I now have abandonment issues through death and I'm a hypochondriac because of her. I had a break down when I was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid. But with help from a friend's mom, I realized that with all my healthy eating and exercise, I can't fight genetics. But because I do pay attention to my health, if I do have something happen it would be a lot less than if I were to have been unhealthy. I'm 39 and I'm still healing from what happened so long ago. This is my trauma.
Hi Johnathan! I wanted to suggest talking about how to express to loved ones who's love language is actions that you dont want them to try and fix your problem but just listen and support you. Most of the people in my life want to help when I'm upset but all I really want is solidarity as I fix the problem myself. Thanks and I love your videos!
I have the same problem with my mum. The first step for me was to understand what I need from her; to listen to me and support my feelings, not try to solve my problems or cheer my up. I sometimes tell her what I need from her at the beginning of the phonecall, and sometimes she is able to help me in the way I need, and sometimes not.
You could talk about how money and financial stuff can be a big trigger. I am a brazilian and here the economic situation is getting worst everyday,when I buy stuff(even when I know its essential) I experience severe anxiety and sometimes panic attacks
I finally, after years... was hired at the job I've always wanted. City Bus Driver! ... I recently lost my job, because i foolishly retired with coworkers. I lost it! 2 weeks after. I didn't realize how much i needed and loved my job.!! I was caught up in the ceremonial achievement grandure, " you earned, you deserved ".. Im so devastated. Others say i should be happy... but, im distressed , extremely upset and devastated. I have so much STRESS.! I have horrible anxiety now. I cannot sleep, i have the worst insomnia. I also suffer from anhedonic depression. Im deteriorating mentally, emotionally and physically. I cannot even go outside anymore. I don't associate. This is my Trauma 😢😫
That part where you described yourself taking half a year to get over a break up is soo damn relatable!!! Like i got rejected among other things(my fault) and it fucking hurts! Being reminded of that is hard to deal with and being triggered by memories can be traumatic as fuck...
I was mugged at gunpoint just 5 minutes from home maybe 8 years ago. I lived in a good neighbourhood, but I felt like I was okay, that it didn't really impact me that much. But still, looking back it is easy to see how it affected me: I bought a vehicle and never trusted public transportation anymore, if I have to walk, I'm afraid of stranger interaction constantly and avoid that like the plague. I've now moved to a safer country even leaving family behind and I still have a psychological barrier against strangers.
By the way, getting a job full time remote also doesn't help me to socialize with new people as I should 😆
My company does its best to include newcomers with lots of social events, but most times I have this mental barrier like I shouldn't go. I want to, but shouldn't. In the end, I usually don't. Eventually I'll stop with the excuses and just go, even if takes a while 😆
Ok, so you wanted some questions...
What do you mean by "get professional support"? I am under the impression that the majority of psychiatrists and psychotherapists do not know what trauma is, and unless somebody has movie-like flashbacks, they are clueless.
What is relational trauma?
What is transgenerational trauma?
What's the best course of action - psychiatrist, psychotherapist, psychotraumatologist?
Does one need antidepressants? If yes, what's their role?
What are some treatments for trauma? Let's talk in details about EMDR, trauma-informed psychotherapies, TRE, CST, yoga, etc.
How to get out of survival mode?
Can a person start their recovery when they live with their abuser?
I was a child of a parent in the military, and that involves a lot of moving around. Growing up I was either losing friends because their family was moving on to a different place or my family was moving on to a different place, and those moves meant I was losing my school community, my church community, and my local community. I learned that the only people I could count on was my nuclear family, and I learned to identify people I "clicked" with and I became friends quickly but without any expectation those friendships would last. I cared about extended family but rarely saw them. And my mom was the one person in all the world that I knew understood me completely and would always love me.
I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, and from addiction to pain pills for at least a decade - made worse by the fact that I have to take them due to a medical condition . But I was coping with things until my mom died in 2015. It broke me. Every time I feel like I'm getting better, a tidal wave of grief hits me and I drop into a pit of depression and then take pills so I can get a little relief from the emotional pain, even for a little while.
Is it possible that my earlier, less intense emotional trauma set me into a habit that has led to this more intense one? And how can I help myself get better?
hey first of all im really sorry for your loss, I've struggled with grief a lot too in the last years although it was probably not as intense as yours I know it is extremely hard to process, not to mention "move on" from cuz that's sometimes not possible. I dont really have any answers I just know that grief is exhausting, but you just have to go on cuz you dont really have another choice (but also there can be beautiful things ahead you never expect yk). you have to somehow manage to cherish what you had and now deal without it. idk, what brought me a lot of closure and helped me deal was writing down my feelings in diary entries or songs and talking with my family about it. yoh are not alone in your suffering. yk just get these emotions out of your system when they come, let them wash over you and wash away, trying to bottle up a tidal wave never lasts long..
also ig that it probably is worsened if there is one person that you relied on so heavily, because now you need to find a new support system :(( ik it seems hard but it's possible. ik that especially with depression it's difficult, and idk ur life, but if you dont have one maybe find a hobbie that you can go to once a week, it'll help with structure social contacts and getting you out the house. also I would reccomend getting a cat from a shelter, having someone in your house with you that you need to take care of and that also gives you comfort is a great motivator to not give up on yourself when you feel low. you can also get a dog if you're more of a dog person but giving an animal a safe shelter if you are able to do so is always a really amazing thing to do.
and ik I'm just a stranger but I really emphasize with your story, i lost several extended family members in the last years and I have had experiences with depression and (addiction kinda in a way) as well so i really understand that this is a shitty situation to be in to put it lightly. but never never ever forget that life is still worth living, even if just for the sake to keep ur mother's memory alive. when you loose someone important sometimes you have to find your meaning all over again. but healing isn't linear and it's okay to have setbacks or to do worse than you thought, because as long as you are here you are doing well and I'm proud of you. you got this. and you are not alone. I wish you all the best and I'm sending you lots of love and support
@@helenwinter3320 Thanks for your kind words. I've found recently that telling my little boy the "family stories" about his Grams (my mom) and teaching him the little songs she used to sing to me as a child have helped. It's like those little pieces of her are living on in me, and I'm passing them on to him - and maybe that's a way for her love and caring to remain in the world even though her body is gone.
I needed to hear this today. Got some family in my life who refuse to see that I have emotional trauma or they think I can just fix it.
[sorry for my English, I'm not fluent, but really want to tell about it from my perspective]
I was raped being unconcious at 15, and a few years later i've been sexually attacked by my abusive BDSM partner (i was tied up and compeletly helpless, crying, shaking, literally teriffied of the prospect of being severly physically hurt). HOWEVER, i don't find related content triggering, after both situations i had some „ptsd symptomes” (physical or emotional) only by a few weeks/months and I'm not able to plunge into negative emotions by this any more, I also talk about it casually. The consequences of the emotional trauma, especially experiecing rejection, officiousness (trying to „help me” and change my behaviour in a very unacceptable way) and someone's irritation because of my neurodiversity (I was diagnosed autistic in my 20s) are much more current in my life - I still have frequent flashbacks of random microagresions, that I experiened, feeling lot of regret and anger, it's painful to watch this type of content (for example it was hard for me to go through the 3th season of scandinavian The Bridge, when the autistic character is facing a lot of mistreatment) and when I am ocasionally treated like that again, it literally freezes me. I must also say, i've never been trully bullied, or being such rejected, that I couldn't find at least one friend to talk to in some kind of permanent environment. I didn't experience anything in this subject that most people would accepted as a valid trauma. Still, everyday I'm scared of unknowingly doing something socially unacceptable and facing this type of reactions. I lost faith, that I would find a therapist, who would think about my traumas in a way, that I would like him to. Everyone I've been to, by assumption assigns undue importance to the physical assault, which I don't consider a problem in my life anymore. Thank you for your video, I find it very importand to increase human awareness on this topic, emotionall traumas are too often trivialized, and people doesn't understand that it is subjective.
I have been a emotional and financial abusive marriage for 24 yrs and it recently turn physical. I have endured as long as I could because children are involved including disabled children. At this my biggest trigger is my autistic son. It has come out he has been told from a young age I abused him as a baby and this caused him to have autism. This is crushing to me and even though he is now an adult he is being brought up parenting plan for the younger children. He has so much anger towards me and it has cut me so deep I struggling to avoid triggers and work through these triggers. I has and does as well as other things affected my work and daily life.
When I was a kid, my dad used to get angry about just everything. Once he shouted at me for making too much noise with the spoon while making myself a hot chocolate. He didn't raise his hands against my sister and me often, but he shouted and made us cry every single day. So I guess that's my trauma. Now I'm 33 years old, happily married, mother of three beautiful daughters and I'm still always on edge, worried someone might get angry with me for the most stupid reasons. That's a real strain for my marriage actually. A few years ago, I broke off all ties with my parents and now I'm finally getting better bit by bit. I also broke ties with my mom because I feel that she should and could have protected my sister and me, but since she always claimed "He's your daddy! He loves you! And I love him!" instead of telling him off, she obviously just chose not to do so.
another thing with triggers is that it isnt always a constant avoidance. a lot of the time if you have triggers, an act of self sabatage or passive self harm is actively seeking out those triggers to make yourself feel bad on purpose because you think you deserved it or some other line of flawed thinking.
I started crying when you talked about your mum and of course that's when the delivery man decided to show up 😅 This video really got to me because I have the hardest time reaching out. Thankfully I'm in therapy and started EMDR to treat my traumas but it's still very much there and it has impacted my life so much. I'm sick and tired of feeling all that pain and getting triggered so much so that I can't work anymore.
„It‘s not the olympics of suffering.“ That hit a nerve
What I do? Talk to my friends, maybe they don't have something to say or to do, but if I have someone to listen, that takes power away from the trauma to me
Can you do a video on avoiding burnout as a caregiver. Caregiver meaning the parent, sibling or friend who love and support those struggling with mental illness/trauma? The people who pick up the phone at 1 in the morning to comfort a desperate sibling for weeks or months on end or are figuratively trying to hold a loved ones' head above water while trying not to drown ourselves. I apologize if I am being dramatic, but I just feel like sometimes the caregivers get a little forgotten and I would love some advice. Thank you for your content and have a wonderful day.
You're not being at all dramatic. Caregivers are so often forgotten.
I've been caring for 2 different family members for the last 7 years (one has substance abuse/mental health issues and the other has a brain injury as a result of an accident).
I've got nothing left in the tank.
I reached out to a 'relative by marriage' who told other family members that I am probably a narcissist...just because I was trying to tell them how desperately I need support too, so that I can continue to support others (which apparently means I was making it all about me).
To cope with my emotional traumas of which I have a few I usually find music with lyrics that can relate to them and sing to them. I’ve found it’s effective therapy for me.
There was the passing away of my fiancé 14 years ago which yes does occasionally still affect me, my grandpa passing away from covid a bit over a year ago, and a confusing sexual assault. Confusing because I didn’t realize until days later it was something I didn’t want and could be considered SA even though it was “just” being touched and grabbed and i hadn’t said no but never felt comfortable about it to the point I couldn’t sleep on my bed for a few days and would just cover my chest with my arms because seeing my chest reminded me of what he did. He was popping up in my friends live-streams and RUclips comments and seeing him even just as a name and words online was triggering and I’d have to leave. Sometimes I can stay now if I see him, other days I can’t stomach it. It’s a lot better now but music that related to it really helped get out a lot of my anger.
for me the main triggers in everyday life are normal/expectable/ social/interpersonal situations that in some way mimic what happened way back and bring up the same feeling of helplessness, anxiety or need for defense. that makes it so incredibly hard to come by sometimes, because it can happen at work or with friends or lovers. it sucks.
I just realized that many more things I struggle with actually come from emotional trauma, so thank you for this video.
I usually write every day, and when I notice that I'm avoiding something I immediately grab my journal. It is tough, I wasn't a writer at all in the past, but I'mallowing myself to be me, I don't judge myself and observe what is happening, trying to figure out why I'm struggling and what it is that I actually want and why I want that. I write that all down and work through it, and then can make a conscious decision about the thing I'm avoiding.
Thank you so much for making this video! I have CPTSD from childhood abuse and I constantly minimize my trauma. I was wondering if you had any tips on not minimizing trauma or feeling that what happened is valid and real? Thank you again for this video, your channel is really a wonderful resource!
An invaluable resource I've found is the book CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving by Pete Walker. It's honestly helped me so much even by simply validating my experience! And I'm certainly not the only one who feels that way. If you haven't read the book, I'd highly recommend you to do so!! I'm currently a hundred pages in or so but I'm really taking it slow and just absorbing everything written in it so I internalise the masterpiece Pete's written
Doesn't work as much for some of us, ymmv, but therapists have told me imagine someone else came to you and told you those things, would you minimize things in the same way? The answer is almost always no, but that kind of self compassion is hard.
I minimize things sometimes because I just don't want it to be real. Saying it, giving it proper weight, makes it very real. Other times I do it because I feel I need to "stow it" to function. (Not the healthiest thing)
I lost my cat a year ago very suddenly to cancer (I adopted her as a hospice because of the cancer, and I had for for 6 years). I want to adopt another cat but the thought of loss will creep back in and I’ll cry for days then never go to meet the cat I wanted to adopt.
What you said about being denied of the opportunity to support a person who hides things made me cry. My ex-fiancé did it when his mental health issues started 2 months ago and it was, along his lies, what caused my emotional trauma. He became avoidant and didn't communicate, but wasn't able to hid something was going on either. So I was there, forced to watch him self-destruct himself but unable to do anything for him because he pushed me away. He decided for the both of us that was better to break up so he couldn't hurt me more.
He couldn't understand I loved him. I wanted him to call me at 4AM because he had a panic attack. I wanted him to rush to my house at whatever time and stay the night or take me with him so I could prepare him a hot drink and stroke his hair until he falls asleep. I wanted him to cry and bawl and scream in frustration and show me the nasty side without masks so I could listen and understand his needs and issues better. I wanted him to trust me the same way he always wanted me to tell him when something was wrong. But he left me wondering in silence and doubts and darkness and at the end I had no chance to make him feel better. Now he's convinced he has to be alone and we can't work as a couple after "trying everything we could" when he, from this video, refuses steps 2 and 3 and doesn't acknowledge 1.
Thank you for talking about grief as a trauma. I lost my mom suddenly last fall and while I am getting support and dealing with it relatively well, I have found that I avoid thinking of if the loss sometimes because I hate how overcome with sadness I get when I do. Strange things also trigger me, when I saw one of those Godiva chocolate bunnies in the store the other day, I was reminded so vividly of how my mom used to send me those at Easter.
Just because someone you know is in a full body cast doesn't mean your broken arm doesn't hurt. I try to remind myself that every day and try to be kinder and more gentle towards myself. It's hard sometimes
Thank for this video, I needed to hear it today. It's taken me awhile to recognize that I experienced an emotional trauma after the death of my younger cousin. Reaching out for counselling has made the grief easier to bear and helped with the anxiety and depression that I was struggling with afterwards.
And thank you for making me think of being a burden in new light. I never want to burden my loved ones with my problems so I tend to keep my emotions to myself, but I hadn't thought of the flip side of that being that I'm not allowing my loved ones to be there for me. That is a game-changing idea for me!
After around 7 years of therapy, I still sometimes struggle but I've gotten so much better at handling triggered situations. I am better at stepping back from situations and I talk about it much more with my friends or family.
I feel secure enough with myself that I know I'll be able to handle almost anything if I have to. But I also very much prefer not having to handle it. So a certain level of "avoiding triggers" is normal and helpful, I guess? It's sometimes just hard for me to figure out when it's indeed too much. Because I also don't want to become the person who walks out on people yelling "this is not serving me" over a disagreement on peanut butter.
My only known coping mechanism is tuning out the world and putting on cartoons from my childhood. It’s a type of mental regression to a time before my trauma began.
Sounds kinda like mine. I had an abusive father who'd beat my mother and us (my siblings and I). It's really hard to function normally after that 😫. But I hope we heal, man.
My trauma it's the fact that i spend years sick, for almost a decade, i had not got out of highschool when it started, and after two years it got worse, painful, hard to deal with, and no doctor knew what I have. It was hard to be experience all that in my teen, not having an answer, a solution, but also, some docs kept telling me "it's in ur head" when they couldn't find something the first tries, and I knew people who didn't take me serious or thought these docs may be right and/or i was lazy for "not trying enough"... I was trying so hard but they didn't see it. I had to deal with my body not functioning as it should, when ppl looked at u and say "u look fine, what's the problem?" cuz i didn't have "the pain" show up, and for that "it wouldn't be so bad"... It sucked, so much, made me feel worse emotionally as if it wasn't already hard enough.
Luckily i finally got a diagnosis (dysautonomia) and got better, learned a lot to control my emotions cuz it came to a point where I said "i can't control my body now... But i can control my mind... And if I keep it like this without "organizing it" I'm going to be insane" so that's the good but even when I'm better and gained emotional intelligence for all that... It was still hard, and the last few years I noticed that i have triggers, not to affect my life that bad, but i know it's there, and it's been six years since I got my diagnosis, at least four since I feel better but sometimes, in a specific situation, or when i have a pain that doesn't go away and gets intense, i get triggered with fear of how worse can that pain last, and i know I'm reacting not to the actual pain, but mostly to the memories of me years ago when i was at my worst and couldn't even walk to two blocks without hurting. It scares me when i feel a pain, and recently, noticed i get way more scared when i don't get better with a treatment, even if the symptoms/pain/bother isn't that bad, the fact that i feel there's not a solution to it and I have to "get used to it" triggers me.
So, even if it's not always, when i start to remember exactly detailed things from that time sick, some specific moments, i remember what I felt, and makes me wants to cry because I remember how painful it was and makes me sad/anxious. From that and the other things I mention, i know I still have to work on it and even tho I have worked on my one, ive been thinking in going to a psychologist and see if it's something I need to work or normal reaction to that? Dunno if u are suppose to be completely fine with something like that since this it's a condition i would have for all my life, but i don't feel pain now, I'm thankful for that. I am really good but yeah, need to see if I shouldnt be feeling that anxiety that makes me want to cry when i remember specifics moments of that time.
And well, that's my trauma. Thx for reading~ and for those who are in a situation like that (in pain and looking for a diagnosis) don't give up, be stubborn about it, if u feel there's something docs arent seeing, keep looking for answers. I wouldn't be feeling good today if I hadnt being stubborn enough to ignore ppl who said it wasn't bad, investigate the subjects, and keep looking for a doc who believed me and know what was wrong.
In the midst of 2020 right before and in the beginning of the covid outbreak and shut downs in February/March, I was caught in an uncomfortable situation with friends where I felt lied to and pushed aside by one friend, while the other friend was just as caught in the situation as I was. Because of the pandemic and the nature of how it was then with no one knowing how the heck to keep safe- I was able to talk and make amends with one friend (the instigator who I had known for several years longer) more than the other. Fast forward two years though and with life looking less crazy, I realize that I was avoiding thinking about that time and pretending I was fine even though I knew I was avoiding friend I spoke less to. I found cinema therapy and mended light channel about a month ago, and I realized that betrayal trauma was a thing and I might be going through said thing. As a person who has had trauma from being a bystander in seeing physical and emotional abuse, I myself was constantly denying my emotions and belittling what I was feeling. Even though I had been in therapy for other reasons for the past few months, I hadn't really brought up that topic of possible betrayal trauma until recently in my session. Thank you, Jonathan and team for making me more self-aware on how I can bring healing to myself in this situation. Hoping for the best. *fingers crossed* the road to healing is never easy but now I have a bit of direction on where to go!
I have been dealing with the loss of my mom for a little over a year from lung cancer. I try to avoid my triggers and guilt and remember the good things. I know I need to get treated, I will soon.
I like how you talked about how by your mother not letting you help, she denied you the opportunity to serve her.
It is SO helpful to realize- and bring to the table, that "burdening the hell out of your loved ones" IS a thing we all need to learn. To ask for help, and graciously allow it. Everybody wants to give, but taking in a good way is the divine other half part of the story. THANK YOU! This was again such a good one.
I’ve been dealing with emotional trauma for over a year now. I had two miscarriages last year. One was a singleton pregnancy, and one was one of the twins I was carrying. Thank God my other twin was born beautiful and perfectly healthy, but the loss of his sister has truly broken me. My depression and anxiety have been so bad, I’m terrified something is going to happen to him, and I’m so angry and sad all the time. I have major mood swings, and I am trying so hard to keep that pain from my older children (6 and 3) because they don’t understand. And now a major trigger happened and one of my close friends just found out she’s pregnant with twins. And while I’m happy for her and will help her any way I can, I keep asking myself why my daughter died. To say that im struggling would be an understatement. Most days I feel like im barely surviving.
Please get some help! Don't carry this burden alone! Your children need all their Mom, and if you think you are hiding stuff from your children,....uh no.
@@donnathompson3076 I am currently going to the chaplain at the base my husband works at (active duty Navy) and it’s been helping a little. My third session is on Wednesday
@@briannatate4611 I also really, really recommend Jody Moore - Be Bold. She has helped me more than all the therapists I've ever been to. Her podcasts involve changing our brain, and our ways of thinking. Jodi is $59/mo but totally worth it. I like to walk in the mornings and listen. She has changed my life!
@@donnathompson3076 thank you, I can look into it and see what I can do. We are a single income family so doing $59 a month might be a bit out of our reach right now.
So, potentially loaded question: how do you get over trauma that involves a person who you don’t really want to cut out of your life but with whom you do not feel that actively discussing it would allow for a healthy discussion (largely bc they can be extremely volatile)?
(Triggerwarning)
My best friend taking their own life I think would be my biggest emotional trauma. It happened about 4 years ago now, but I still haven't been able to really make peace with everything. We didn't see each other often, but when we did it was the most important time to us. They were a big pillar in my life and I only realized it after they were gone. I am trans and when I got my surgeries being in hospital was the worst part of it all, because I couldn't sleep due to the pain, but every minute and every person coming to visit me were just another reminder who wasn't there to experience it all with me. When people asked me how I felt during my stay I would always try to kinda make a joke, or block off the question, because they were so happy for me, I couldn't tell them I just felt like crying.
Getting into intimate relationships of any kind has become very difficult for me ever since then. And I've gotten even more anxious when I'm dating someone. For one because I am scared of loss, second because my best friend has been 1 of the 2 people in this world I have ever felt safe with. When someone asks me when it was that I felt truly at peace and at home, it's their face I see first. Always. Noone else. I have been scared new relationships won't measure up or that I will put expectations on them they won't be able to meet. As someone who has been in numerous unhealthy to toxic relationships, I don't ever wanna be that for someone else.
But I've been going to a self-help group for grieving loved ones, and it's helped a lot. People don't like talking about suicide, so talking to my own loved ones has been hard. It's not that they don't wanna hear it, they just don't know how to deal with my grief and my trauma. And that's okay, it's not a topic that is often talked about. But it makes you feel very alone. I'm taking baby steps now. Currently I'm working on reconnecting with friends, actively forming new connections and learning how to communicate again. The group has been a big part in that. I would recommend checking self-help groups out to anyone, if you are toying with the idea or think it might help you.
I think for me, I am just realizing the severity of my trauma. I mention my experiences in such a casual way, but I see how shocked it makes some people and I wonder why. It took me until just a few days ago to realize that I'm the outlier. The things I worried about as a kid were not healthy or normal. Thank God I have good parents and a therapist though. I'd be screwed otherwise 😅😅.
I've had a fear of abandonment since early childhood. It is unfounded, I have a great family, I was a sheltered kid, but I can still vividly remember a nightmare I had like 25 years ago that all my family just ran away from me and left me on the streets (the irony of it that the place they left me at is like 2 corners from home XD). I remember waking up crying. Then, more than a decade later I turned 18. And my grandma died. She didn't live with us but she spent a lot of time with us and I was the last one to talk to her on the phone. Her gastric ulcer went unnoticed. Doctors didn't have a chance to identify it in time because she was taking so much painkillers for her legs that even she didn't know that something was wrong. She held onto life for a few days in the hospital in a coma but eventually passed away. It shook my world. I had lost pets before but this was my first real brush of death. So my irrational fear of abandonment grew stronger. Then my dad had a heart attack and later an arythmia, they had to restart his heart. He's okay now but I'm so afraid that at any given moment one of my family members can just disappear from my life forever. And I'm also ashamed that I can't let go of these feelings and control the waterworks when they come... I'm a grown-ass woman, I should be able to handle this. I avoid seeing really sad movies when someone else is around and I don't like when people try to console me because it makes everything so much worse. But just crying it out helps sometimes. Preferably when noone can see it :)
There’s a saying my mom has that’s “no le voy a quitar sus buenas intenciones,” which is “I won’t take away their good intentions.” People who love you genuinely, wholeheartedly want to be there for you, let them.
ever made a video on codependency?
This is incredibly validating. Thank you.
My dad had MSA... he was with us for about two years after he got diagnosed with the illness and basically was told he has a limited time left with us... It got so bad in the last few months.. I realised I had PTSD when I went to see Logan (The wolverine movie) and the scene where the professor was introduced sick and in-bed while Logan tried to flip him around in the bed hit me out of left-field. I did not expect to feel that way. I bawled for a good 10 minutes and looked away everytime they showed him sick.. After that when I hear about someone's granddad being sick and bedridden,, I avoid thinking about it,, I look away from such scenes in movies and try to protect myself from that trigger.. I didn't know that something like this could ever happen.. (For any context, I'm 30 and my dad passed away when I was 23,, I was the eldest in my family and my and my sister had to be full-time carers for him,, although my mom was doing what she could but she had her own health issues at the time so we had to a lot of the lifting/flipping/cleaning/feeding etc.)
I first thought that I might have emotional trauma when it was suggested to me that for therapy I could work with an avatar that would be digitally altered to look like me at child age and I then would through VR look at that avatar and hopefully work something out from there. Just the thought of me „going back“ to that time made me have a full blown mental breakdown.
What do you do when you are in the middle of experiencing a traumatic event in your life and that event has caused you to be vilified by your support system? I recently left my religion and changed the direction of my life in a dramatic way spiritually, and because I left, my family and friends now view me a dangerous and threatening. I don’t feel like an evil person but my support system views me that way. I’m feeling a ton of loss and grief and my support circle has now contracted down to just a couple of people. I saw your video addressing those whose family members have left their church, but how do you handle being the one who left?
My mother have health issues many years and gone through many surgeries. The first surgery found me 18 years old and from then i was responsible for her care. 28 years old today i feel drained and i don't want any other responsibilities. Now I'm a codependent person who must learn to love my self and start over. My mom is still in bad condition of health and i can't support her any more i can't. Now my father have some responsibility because i told them i can't do this anymore. I try to start over, i wish everyone to find them selves and have a good life
I have had many an emotional trauma. I was born with a congenital condition where I nearly died. My friend died at a young age when I was around 7. At 10 my dog got put down right infront of me. At 11 or 12 I forget but a family friend died and as if recent at the age of 16 one of my closest family members passed and that was only a few months ago and im still troubled by it.
I’ve not really had any real friends in my life. Maybe the odd one or two but the ones I do have are the best people I could meet. My family are great and so are my friends and loved ones and I’m glad I’m able to say that as I’m aware that isn’t the case for everyone. My heart goes out to you all❤
"It's not the Olympics of suffering." I am so stealing that phrase.
For those of us that are new to scheduling appointments for these types of things, I feel like when I ask for what I need as a referral I am referred the wrong person. Who is allowed to diagnose you and give you advice as well as listen to your venting? I find some are just there or qualified to “hear you” and that’s not enough for me personally. I need a back and forth and a plan to move forward.
Only a medical doctor can make an official diagnosis. Some psychiatrists are also psychotherapists, if you'd like to see one person. Also, maybe cognitive-behavioral therapy could be helpful.
I didn't know until very recently, because my abuse was criticism and neglect - i.e. the things ignorant people will claim you can't be traumatized by - and had no sexual or violence abuse history. The biggest thing is I could talk about all I experienced growing up and be perfectly mellow. I attributed that to stoicism and that I was "tough enough" to live through all that and not have it affect me.
It wasn't until experiencing an emotional flashback and having those floodgates opened back up, that I no longer doubted I experienced trauma. It took practicing some mindfulness meditation and analyzing what had set off the latest depressive period and focusing on collection of emotions I was feeling then and asking myself why those affected me so much.
Ngl hearing true loves want to be there for you got me crying. Earlier today my grandma talked about how we gather together in times of hardship. I’m glad to have them
I felt like you were talking about me, that is exactly me. Up until today 35 years into this world, my life had a lot of good in it, but also a ton of trauma I carry to this day. You ask me how I handle it? I don't, I just knows it exist. I don't receive professional help, and I feel I can't trust anyone I know to share this with them. My question for you- What can happen if you don't treat PTSD or trauma at all? I fear I might hurt someone, without recognizing that a beloved person is standing in front of me, instead my brain will tell me-"Enemy! Look out! You are under attack!" It happened three times before, luckily without severe damages, but I felt awful about it.
Guessing you’ve had a shit experience with opening up to therapists and people in general? That’s a cruel reality, no wonder ppl turn to ppl like Jonathan and etc. and then that’s not enough too
@@moonknight4053 Dude you guessed correctly. I met people that betrayed me, criticized me severely/didn't believe me, some wanted to help but didn't know how, and some therapist who wanted to dope me, I said no thanks, not interested in drugs, so they said "It is not possible to resolve it without drugs." I couldn't believe it, I took my legs out in the same second. Never met trust worthy enough people to share with them.
@@eranshachar9954 Bro… I’m sorry to hear that, truly, it’s really hard knowing like u go thru that. I know how u feel, I’ll be honest, I don’t have the answers eh. As I’m pretty much ur twin, I guess bro a good support system (friends, family, gf, etc) can help in ways? And other factors. But yeah eh it’s hard finding these things (not saying u don’t got these in ur life). I guess being reserved really helps eh, but at the same time… need ppl to help us. Therapy doesn’t always help but that depends on who ur with eh
@@moonknight4053 Thank you so much brother. You have no idea how your words give me strength, I don't know your story as you don't know mine, but if you understand me, means you been thru some crazy shit. I am sending you my love and blessing, wherever you are living, wishing for you to feel good, and I thank for a kind heart man like you. I appreciate good people like you. And like Jonah said in meaning- A person's suffering might be similar to another, but not the same, and there is no competition, who's suffering is greater, each with his own. Right? As a former highly evil person, I changed into a good person, and I am looking for good people in my life.
@@eranshachar9954 It’s okay bro, I hope I did say the right things as I know we didn’t ask to be here in the first place. Thank you for ur kind words also, I send my love and mana (power, strength, etc) to you mate . I know life is a shitty thing, we all got our flaws bro evil, good, etc whatever we wanna call it. I just know I’d rather be in my own authentic company then others who have wronged me or will wrong me. I know there’s good out there bro, I hope it finds us or we find it? But cheers for sharing ur light brotha, Kia kaha (Stay strong
I've heard it being called the "Trauma Olympics" which I think rolls off the tongue better. I was raised in trauma Olympics- despite being physically abused my schizophrenic father and being bullied by both adults and kids at my school, I never had it bad enough because I wasn't in foster care or because my mother hadn't committed suicide (which my parents had gone through.) I feel like an ingrained sense of trauma Olympics and generational trauma is a big part of my own trauma. Knowing that one kid who got bullied one time's pain is valid doesn't invalidate my pain, it creates a safe and non-judgemental place to express pain and suffering freely, and to heal from releasing that and being validated.
I've realized that I'm carrying post traumatic stress from childhood. I'm late diagnosed Twice Neurodivergent and the past two years I've been trying to get help and learn to cope better. But I realized that some members of my family don't understand this AT ALL. I overexplain myself to them often and when they still don't get it, I feel rejected and abandoned. I don't know what I'm supposed to do for that. Plus I've experienced significant loss, losing both parents before I turned 30.
Thank you for this. I've always invalidated my trauma from being rejected. I'm still hurting after 3 years and I often get angry with myself for not getting over it. When I tell other people about my pain they just tell me to get over it. Get over it? That's what I've been trying to do for the past 3 years and yet I'm still here.
"But it wasn't a real breakup because she was never interested in you in the first place, so why should you feel sorry for yourself?" Is usually the best help I can get.
Honestly, I'm afraid of trying a relationship again, because even if someone is willing to give me a chance, it's only a matter of time before they see my shortcomings and leave. And I'm scared that I won't be able to handle it if something so minor has affected me this badly already.
But this channel has really helped me grow and I'm grateful for that.
im really just begining to deal with the traumas that have defined my life, which i have only began to realize the effect on my life. i dreamed about my late husband (but not good at all) and for the first time in my dream insted of allowing some of the abuse to replay in it i said get lost i dont need your crap.
I definitely have trauma, and one of my triggers is talking about cancer because my tramatic experience was lousing my great grandma to cancer.
I have no support system. The people who traumatized me were my family i.e. Parents.
I don't have money for therapy or time for extras as I work around 11 hour days.
I always react like everything is a threat.
1. Overly loud voice: I go into a hyper vigilant state, watching that person closely for aggressive movements.
2. Any critique or any negative feedback I react defensively without listening, even if it was well meant.
3. I NEVER ask for help because when I was young I was constantly told I was selfish or when I tried to call someone to come get me after being thrown out of the house, phones weren't answered or they'd wait until 2am after they got high with their SOs. It was constantly reinforcing how much I didn't matter and now I don't ask because I'm afraid what friends I do have will be the same.
4. I can't take a compliment. I brush it off or deflect because compliments were used to be sarcastic or degrade or humiliate me when I was younger
Mostly I bottle everything up until I get into such a depressive state I break down for 24 hours. Rinse and repeat.
For the longest time I’ve struggled with abandonment issues since my dad just left and never came back, countless friends and my once best friend, I never talk about it with anyone and my I hate self because all these people leave is my fault also that I got kicked out of the army due to my mental illnesses, I feel like a failure. Which results in the self hate and in thoughts like “everyone is better off without you” “there lives will be better without you in them”. Yesterday a friend of mine, she asked what was wrong?” I of course lied and said I’m fine. I’m terrified of being shutdown or like I’m overreacting, what I didn’t tell her was that I feel guilty for not helping her when she was sick, that sometimes I help people to prove I’m worthy to get appreciated, to get validated, to be prove that this moment is better with me in it. And I sort of regret not telling her and snapping out a bit. But I’m worried it’s to late to tell her that. Or even when it’s appropriate to tell her. I deal with all these thoughts by holding them in and releasing by journaling or just hold it in, go on a hike also sometimes help
My brother committed suicide when I was a kid, 15 years later my dad committed suicide, my whole family is a hot mess. I love them though. I got married a few years ago to a man I admire in many ways, but we have had a very difficult time getting along with extremely different personalities and approach to life, despite thinking we did enough prior to marriage to ensure success. I’m just now developing a core group of ladies to support me because I just can’t take more on my own. I have now developed an immune disorder and am having testing done and can’t even walk my dog hardly. I was healthy seeming, thin, tried to work out a little bit regularly, walked miles a day, Kelly up with my little nieces and nephews , diet getting better, but the stress of it all has been too much for too long. I feel like I’m getting old fast. I am doing everything I know to do to fix every part of my life that I can handle at one time. And I am learning to trust God with everything, with the walks I can’t take my dog on this week cause I’ve had a biopsy done and concerns that my husband is unhappy with me and my failures to be totally disciplined, trust God with the worries that are reasonable and unreasonable, etc. I’ve made an appointment with a local counselor at the urging of good godly friends. This video was encouraging to me. I think I’ve had trauma. It’s hard to pinpoint triggers though. But maybe the counselor can help me identify that.
4:56 a trauma is a trauma thank you so much saying that
I’m struggling with childhood trauma. When I try to talk about it my family tell me that that’s not how I remember it.. I’ve seen a therapist in the past and I’m planning on seeing them again to help deal with it
I watched vids on Emotional Trauma and wow, I didn’t realize I actually had it.
A few years ago, one of my friends died. When I see Jolly Ranchers, I will think of him(it was his favorite candy).
Than I had a friend who betrayed me after being friends for years.
Than finally, I had recently left a friend who pretended to be my friend for a year. This is the worst currently as songs, books, movies, shows, even way people phrase sentences trigger me to memories of them.
I don’t have any coping mechanisms currently(aside of small vents to my friends).
Can you ...get addicted to being triggered? Even though deep down you don't want to be 🥺
That sounds like emotional self harm. Maybe subconsciously you are seeking triggers as punishment?
Or maybe a form of (unhealthy) self validation? When you are desperate for validation?
Your body can physiologically become accustomed to being in a triggered state.. So in a way, yes. But also we can heal from this, for the most part!
Sometimes when something triggers me, I'll actually go back and look for more reminders of the painful thing that happened. Like if I feel bad already, I seek out even more of the painful stimulus. I have no idea why we do this lol
That sounds like you can use it to your advantage! Might help with exposure therapy
Actually when I was younger I had a friend I would do anything for. We were best friends.
At some point she started to grow distant, but I never thought much of it. Just figured she was hanging out with others and that was fine. I wasn't the jealous type. Then one day she cut all ties with me. I didn't understand and she explained it as simply finding someone better. And it tore me apart.
I tried explaining it to others and to myself yet everywhere I went, I was told to just get over it and that people grow apart. That I was blowing up the issue, especially as years passed. I kept scolding myself for letting it always fester in me. And I realized now that when I sense a distance in people, I dont fight to stay relevant to them. I let myself slowly disappear because at least that way, the separation was mutual and somewhat still on my terms. I didn't think I could ever be forgiven or be taken seriously for admitting I was scarred so deeply over a friendship lost in my youth.
I think I really needed this video. ❤ I am definitely dealing with emotional trauma from having lived with an abusive stepfather. I do at least have my twin sister who went through the same things. I do think that I would benefit from therapy (ok, I need therapy) I just need to sit down and work it in my budget.
Well until you can afford it journaling sure helps.
@@HeyTash I've been thinking about it. I used to have journal when I was a kid that I only thought to write in when I was angry. My parents found the journal, read it, then go mad at me because "what if someone reads it and thinks we're abusive" I now feel nervous about journaling.
I had a bunch of horrible events occur in a span of a couple months in between 2019 to 2020. They're the generic things that people usually shrug their shoulders at and say 'so what?'. School grades dropping from A to literal zeros, university degree decisions, a terrible toxic friendship, lack of support from anywhere, teachers pressuring, parents pressuring, all the while everyone said things to me that I would say nobody should ever be told. It just felt like life was falling apart.
When I left, I had to hide photos, belongings from when i was at the school, avoided doing things like making toast, or playing the piano, or listening to certain songs, etc. My parents scolded me for being ungrateful, but I just couldnt do it.
Even today, I get asked things like "How bad can that school be?" from cousins, aunts, uncles or even distant relatives because someone in my immediate family had spread the story. Im told "it cant be that bad" so i should just "stop complaining and shut up because do you think i like seeing you in pain? No. shut up".
My close friends are the only ones to have told me that the school was bad. one of them referred it as 'traumatising' but i could never wrap my head around that concept. But for the past few months, I'm starting to realise that the cumulation of things that happened was traumatising. I'm still affected to this day. Hearing you say that trauma can come from 'believing your world to be safe and then realising it is not' has made me feel more seen than i have in 2 years.
When you said 'im very sorry' about people not making time for you, it hit hard. I just wanted to say thank you.
I still get randomly triggered over random childhood cartoons that made me upset, the memories replaying over and over. I think with growing up in a violent household, these triggers were probably the release for all the trauma and emotional damage I was going through, as I don’t think I understood that I was actually crying about all the stress & anxiety experienced. Kids can’t articulate that stuff. So yeah, I have faulty synapses from that time and those seemingly benign cartoon memories can really send me spiralling into floods of tears.
I'm crying like a baby because watching this made me start thinking about my traumatic moments and the role my parents had in them and... damn I'm so fucking lucky. Like, yeah, of course my parents traumatize me, I think it happens even in the most stupid ways all the time, like my mom criticized a painting I did once when I was like 8 and I didn't paint again till I was like 23! But in the two most traumatic events in my life, sexual abuse when I was 7, and a depression I went trough when I was 11? My parents were rocks, to the point that when I think about those moments... I don't cry because of how bad I felt, I cry because of how loved I felt. Knowing that they love me that much always makes me feel humble and so damn lucky. Are my parents perfect, of couse not, who the fuck is, but they were there every single time I need them. Now I'm 39 years old, my parents have been divorced for 23 years, I do not like to ask for help, not really, but I always have the security that if I need it they'll be there for me, they'll come together to help if it is needed (they have done it for others in the family). Hell! My sister, who is 20 years younger than me, on my mom's side, knows she can call my dad for help, and I can call her dad. I'm fucking lucky and I wish to everyone to find that kind of love someday.
"But you were terribly mistreated". This video was for me, and there's no support system here 😞. And it's not for the lack of reaching out. People just don't want to listen because they get tired of listening or don't believe that things are that bad. And I'm am adult! There, got it out of muy chest.
I didn't have the guts to define my experiences and reactions as responses to "trauma" until I realized how badly they affected my relationship. As it is my first relationship, I've been learning so many things about myself, and I've had to work through a lot of things I didn't notice or realize could be problems until they became big enough to have to be addressed. I never liked calling them traumas, I've got so many diagnosed friends struggling with things a lot worse than I. I've always been the "sane/healthy", "down-to earth", "mother" in my friendgroups, and I still am, but those labels definitely made me suppress my emotions so I could be there for the others. There's still a whole lot of work to be done, but I'm on the right path
As for how I deal, I've honestly been writing diaries for years. Every time I experienced something emotionally overwhelming I would write and write and write. Looking back I never told my real life friends about it. My diary was the only thing I would entrust with my heart on these matters, as well as my best friend online. Now I've stopped writing in my diary, I have solid friends who I know I can rely on, and my boyfriend (now fiancé). I've gotten better at outsourcing and talking to people instead of keeping things to myself and my diary. And I think the love and support that I've gotten has done a lot in helping me get better at expressing myself. I absolutely despise talking about my emotions, but I've really been challenged to communicate with the LDR and its been freakishly terrifying, as well as healthy and relieving
I’m still working on healing my inner child. But I’ve gone to therapy a few times and I have an easier time letting people help and be there for me. Still not that great at it but I’m improving.
When I told someone close to me what happened, how it affected me, and how I was healing it had unexpected benefits beyond me. I became a safe person for them to talk to or to come to with a similar problem, or they didn’t realize a thing that happened to them was abuse or traumatic until I said something that made them think about it in that way, and now they are on their own road to healing.
The "this is not the Olympics of trauma" is a really important thing to remember . In the past 2 years I've noticed that so many people who walked in and out of my life were comparing each other's stories, memories and most importantly their trauma. And this doesn't solve anything at all.
It's a little uncomfortable, but probably good for me to hear the perspective of someone on the other side of "my loved one doesn't tell me their hurts." I don't often share what I'm dealing with or going through - partially because I was not raised in an environment where I would have had support for that, and partially because it's harder for me to deal with what I need to when someone else is involved. I feel like stressing someone else out over something they can't fix adds an additional burden to both our lives. But I like your comment about being angry and denied the opportunity to serve a loved one. It's something to think about.
I figured I'd comment on this video even though it's from a year ago. I have had a lot of loss in my life. Loss of grandparents, of a dear friend, a boyfriend. I also grew up with a parent that was emotionally abusive but didn't know what emotional abuse was until my parents got divorced when I was 13. Then struggling with trying to get my dad to see how much he was screwing up my life and having him just dismiss stuff or we'd argue about stuff and not resolve it. Long story short at age 18 I'd had enough. I wrote him an open and honest letter telling him how I felt and what needed to change. He read it in front of me and saw how serious I was. Lucky for me things are much better with my dad now. Do I still carry around a lot of issues due that? Of course. Do I know other people who have had worse than absolutely. But I try to keep in mind it's not one-up manship it's we're all suffering to some degree and how can we help each other get through it?
I have been through a trauma, but no one acknowledged it, they just told me to 'not think about it' and 'stop being stupid' 😢
Same here.. they acknowledge im extremely distressed...
But minimalize it ...
*Stop thinking about it,
* move on
* it's in the past..
*let it go, you can't do anything about it now..
... They don't know what Stress, Anxiety, Insomnia and anhedonic depression feels like.
I went to the funeral for my best friend's dad yesterday. Now, I didn't really know him, we barely spoke, but I did know that he welcomed us - his daughter's friends - into his home, and he had a warm personality. He helped me change the lightbulb in my headlights once. Perhaps he knew I didn't have anyone here in L.A. No family here. Just my friends. And I rarely get to see them, if at all. The funeral was the first time since 2018 that we were all together again.
It was the first viewing I'd been to in a very long time.
I guess what I'm saying is that seeing his body in the coffin brought back memories of when I was 7 in 1988/87 at my grandpa's viewing that I'd completely forgotten. I remembered my mom crying and saying, "He looks like he's sleeping." This was her dad. My grandma remarried, so I had two grandpas. I lost my other grandpa in 2004.
I almost cried when I hugged my best friend and told her that her dad probably knew I needed her, and that becoming her friend and gaining our other friends likely saved my life. I'm alone all the time, and they're really all I have.
I cried when I got home last night at all of that, and of seeing the permanence of death, of knowing he won't be there for my best friend anymore, or for those who loved him. He's not going to get up again. He's gone. And... I cried. There are so many emotions connected to that that I can't explain, and I just don't understand it.
The funeral was held in the valley where I used to live 3 years ago for 10 years. So much changed, but so much stayed the same. Driving through it was like driving through another life. The funeral may have also represented the death of that part of my life - of the struggles, the laughter, and the moments with my friends all crammed into that little apartment that he welcomed us into and put up with us being nerds, playing video games, and building cosplay pieces.
I don't understand any of it, and feel selfish that I'm even reacting or feeling this way. And I don't know why.
I've been drained all day.
Sorry for rambling. This happened yesterday (sunday).
(It might be useful to know I'm a Cancer, very emotional by nature.)
I think that having a support system is hard. People who really truly care enough to listen to you and try their best to understand you even if they can’t put themselves quite in your shoes, they’re hard to find. I love my mom but she is very brutally honest and opinionated. She’s not really the best at just listening and understanding. She wants to fix it and tell you what u did was wrong but in a brunt way. She cares, but that’s not the kind of support that I need. My issues, I know the solutions and I know that I can fix them. I also know my shortcomings and where I went wrong in being too naïve. What I want most and need is for someone to listen, understand, and care about me. I have a friend (i’ve developed feelings for him but we’re just friends, neither of us is ready for anything more) and when i talk to him, if I relive that trauma. Its shit, but its okay. I know its okay, he focuses on me. How I’m feeling and is kind, gentle. I matter most in that instant. You tell your other friends and they’ll just go ‘that sucks theyre shitty, dont even worry about them they dont matter’ and move on with the conversation of how theyre going to disneyland next week (thats an example). But with him its so different. I never would’ve thought that opening up about that could feel good, and i never knew how the others reaction could impact you. With him, he says “I don’t know why they would do that. You dont deserve that. You are a good person and you’re worth so much. I love you so much. You’re so strong to have put up with that. You’re such a kind and caring person, even after what they put you through you still want whats best for them. I’m so proud of you for being you.” Do you see the difference? One makes you feel like just a crumb of the conversation, disposable, cast off to the side once they say their mandatory phrases. The other makes you feel treasured and important. Like you matter and they truly care.
I've had some emotional issues, not sure if I can say I had trauma, maybe I did, but anyway I did alot of self-reflection and decided to be a personal therapist or listening ear for myself
I am in therapy for close to two years now. It helped a lot already, but still on the journey
I used to be completely reliant on other people to feel better when I was struggling, and now, in the process of learning to self-partner/self-parent/practice self-compassion through therapy, I feel like now I have swung in the direction of not reaching out for help, because now I don't need it as much.
Before learning these tools, it felt like I was dying if I didn't tell someone because I wanted to hear them say all the comforting things, but now I say those things to myself and can do that for myself - which is great! But I just really struggle now to tell people (besides my fiance) when I'm having a hard time, because most of my network of loved ones don't live near me, and.. what are they going to tell me that I'm not already telling myself?
Definitely that is much better than before when I wasn't able to meet my own emotional needs, but yeah I hope I can learn that balance between self-partnering vs leaning on others. So Jonathan if you have any tips for how to navigate that, let me know!
i wish these videos were around a couple years ago, but i'm so grateful for them right now. this was so healing to hear for the present version of myself and i will make sure i pass this down to the past versions of me and my inner child/teenager that has so much hurt and anger and grief to process. all versions of me feel so validated right now. thank you so much for these videos. i'm so glad i found them.
Thank you so much for this. Y’all have helped my light to shine brighter than it ever has in my life!
Gosh, I love your videos! Thank you so much for your pearls of wisdom! ❤️🙏
I love you so much for posting this. You nailed it and I saw you getting emotional talking about your mom. You are so right on all counts. I love your passion for what you do. Thank you and hugs to you as well.
Well said. Thank you
Jono, thank you.