Co-Parenting With A Controlling Ex
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- Опубликовано: 8 авг 2018
- If you ever have to co-parent with a controlling ex, you've come to the right place. Divorce alone takes so much but how do you cooperate with a controlling co-parent? Here are 5 strategies I have for you:
1. Stay focused on the kids.
2. Create the best world possible.
3. Solve the problems in your world.
4. Practice forgiveness.
5. How can I do this?
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"A double minded man is unstable in all his ways." (Jas 1:8, KJV)
KGB94TV, thank you for watching.
Prov 21:9 it is better for a man to live on a corner of a roof than in a house with contentious woman
1. Stay focused on the kids.
2. Create the best world possible in your own world.
3. Solve the problems in your own world.
4. Practice forgiveness
G G, it is all gold.
Yea why does the person not with problem has to be the bigger person?
@@leeg5678 Because that's your only option - it's all you have control of.
@@GabesHacks control also means government and what's the definition of government? So no, morals aside you have plenty of options
I hear a theme... forgive... let go. I love the term "letting go of a better past." Very powerful.
Not surprised that you caught that Lyndsie! DrPaul
But when the controlling ex cares nothing about the child's well being.... 😒
So sad to hear this, Wendy Crayon. Such a waste.
You can't co parent. Now the term Revenge Father Syndrome is coming to light to explain abusive fathers using the courts yo continue abuse of the mother.
@@bennysmom6544 I need advice. I'm in the same exact situation. What can I do to protect myself or how did you prove your better fit. I'm currently in same situation but he saying I'm unfit cuz I'm unemployed. But the protective order is getting in way of lots of jobs. What can I do
@@lynn4460 False. In the sense that I'm going through the Revenge Mother Syndrome. The ex is NOTHING like the good Christian I thought I had been married to for sixteen years.
Wendy a woman that does not care about the children. The parent is all about themselves and the kids are treated like property
Forgiveness with healthy boundaries is where we are.
val Erie, Great! Then the kids can be the focus.
Honestly believe it's the lack of accountability has to do with our current divorce society. You need to refine forgiveness. There's no accountability if your forgiven. Let go makes more sense. But people need to be more accountable is this victim society
Good stuff. I'm dealing with the whole co-parenting thing right now and your video provided some great insight. Thanks
Awesome - glad you found it helpful! Also, get on the pre-order list for the Parenting Power-up Audio Course that's coming out soon. We have some specific tips and tricks for parents that you might find very helpful. Connect here: parentingpowerup.com - DrPaul
This is such an eye opener. I think I am the controlling parent. First time coparenting with an ex and its been hard to let go of expectations. I was so set on my child having a father I wanted him to have. I'm woman enough to admit it now, thank you so much for this video
marie cruz, I see happier days ahead for you as you let go of the expectations. Keep watching.
Live On Purpose TV it's funny how things work. I was looking for advice on gaining sole custody and listening to your other video on the parents was a huge eye opener. I wasn't acting on my son's best interest. Thank you for your content
marie cruz, you rock!
@@Ngocnito I salute you Erika Marie. You’ve decided to arm yourself with the best possible tools geared towards giving your child security, significance and strength. That’s what love is about: taking responsibility for your actions, resolving to do better by making healthier choices for your child and for yourself by forgiving, thereby giving your beloved son excellent opportunities for success in life. It’s tough-I’m a grandmother who’s watching my son and daughter-in-love coparent from a distance. They live in 2 very different locations in the world. Keeping you in my prayers 🤗🙏🏾
I see these replies congratulating you, and yes, very awesome, I wish my ex would also. But what about all the permanent damage of your actions on your ex?
"And if a kingdom be divided against itself, that kingdom cannot stand. And if a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand." (Mar 3:24-25, KJV)
KGB94 TV ♥️♥️♥️
I hear you.
True
This was helpful and a bit humorous too as I can relate to some of the thoughts you discussed. Thank you.
Honored to be on your team, Paige D! Thanks for watching.
I really enjoyed this after going through a horrible time during my custody case. I feel renewed in watching this and hearing everything you had to say and I want to thank you. Keep up the good work.
Berster13, Thank you, we will continue to put out the videos as long as people can benefit.
But when you ARE doing all of these things, and the ex IS the controlling one, this becomes enabling information. Then you're shushing the victim, giving the ex all te space to walk all over the other, making the problem worse and worse. You can't generalise it, and you have to stay very allert to signs of abuse. Now, what is the victim supposed to do? Because that is what the title of your video implies.
I see your point, Pita Rabia Boers. Share only the information that he needs to protect yourself.
I totally agree.
I think this is a brilliant video for most parents who’ve split up, but abuse is a completely different dynamic.
I volunteer in domestic abuse and there are many patterns between abusers, the main one being control. Seeking power and control over the other, for the sake of power and control over another. Deliberate, calculated control, drama, reaction seeking etc. Where a person is ok for another, or many others to suffer if it makes them feel better. They’re totally alright with that.
Richard Grannon and Dr Ramani are professionals who speak well on this topic.
I think looking at a number of videos to find your ground on how to approach the subject of your child being in contact with an actually abusive ex is a good way forward and also contacting your local domestic abuse service for information and/or advice.
Great video, great counsel. I recommend a family therapist for those really struggling to manage themselves and the feelings post divorce. Realize you are now in a position to really recreate your environment to suit yourself and your kids. Blessings
Kory Dean, I agree. Most people benefit from some counseling at different points in their lives and definitely post divorce. Thank you for suggesting.
So very often I come back to the question if what I am dealing with is in my world or the other world. Needed the reminder. Thank you.
We all need the reminder, thanks.
You explained this really well. Thanks for the great points about coparenting. Love the visual aid. I'll remember this for next time.
And please come back and watch again if you need a refresher, This Big House. Thank you for commenting.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I plan on it. Thank you!
I love your videos! Thanks for the help, I currently have a controlling ex and will be having an evaluation.
I have a 2 year old son and all I teach him is positive things and just want our time to be fair and equal. I want to move on and enjoy these moments with our son. Thanks for the videos it really gave me perspective and hope
It sounds like you are focusing on the right things, Hanoa Freitas. Good luck.
Best advice ever, thank you sir
So nice of you
Our children, regardless of their parent's relationship status, want just five things: love, acknowledgment, inclusion, joy, & opportunities. Should it really be that hard to get out of our feelings to let them feel like their life matters too? After divorce, nothing tells our kids they are still important like truly great co-parenting.
Thank you for speaking truth, The Co-parenting Collective. It is unfortunate when separating couples are so bitter they forget to convey love to their children.
It is that hard for many! Why?
Ego. Attachment style. Core wounds, subconscious programming, narratives and on and on.
You’ve got to see way below the tip of the iceberg to really understand what’s going on.
Removed from emotional threat (and intensive ego activation) many parents can agree that, yes, they want to do whatever they can to insure their child has the best outcomes possible. However, you have to realize the immense power of emotional activation. Rational thinking and emotional activation don’t co-exist well. Ego can be so threatened (subconscious fear of annihilation of self) that primitive fight/flight/freeze can be triggered very easily. It’s the same system as if a predator, or a person with a gun is threatening you...self preservation mode kicks in, the here and now, with little thought to the future.
It is that hard!
If people were that level of self aware, conscious, connected, etc, they either wouldn’t be divorced or they wouldn’t have gotten together in the first place!
@@Alphacentauri819 Deeply familiar with what's going on under the tip of the iceberg. The question was a bit rhetorical. Appreciate your pov!
M’y ex wife is so toxic, she’d rather put energy into her hatred for me. Then to work out the plan on how to deal with our son’s behavior issues!
Excellent advice
Glad it was helpful!
Good insight!!
Thank you, Miranda. Glad you are here.
After listening to your video I realized I can’t change or make a bad person turn to a good one but I already have my neighbors my son school teacher witnessed the best I am doing as a mother my son know it and after listening to you I know I am doing great job and I’m going to focus on my son when his with me
I'm so glad you have these realizations, Beatrice Alboth! If you need more help with parenting, we have a Positive parenting playlist: ruclips.net/p/PLq2mRDkHEBPCclxt6agg3wrLBRkL7CCwU Honored to be on your team.
Good video
Thank you, Cool_Cat007 Smoove. Glad to have you at the channel.
Thank you for sharing your love to protect children! Your advices are amazing and from the heart. It help me so much. My son and I, will love you forever!
Joao Santos, glad to have you in our community.
thank u much needed!!
Happy to help!
Hello would you mind to do video about co-Parenting with toxic ex boyfriend? Please & thanks 😊
Ilona Macdonald Sagittarius, I can add it to the list. The biggest thing is to figure out what you control and what you don't. Don't dwell on anything you don't control.
Good question to help raise awareness!
Coparenting need collective efforts combined.
Let’s also focus on virgin rights
To create love and protect love.
Also plan for marriage and undivorce.
Planned parenthood and elaborate protection of family support and knot some old way of child support asking for relief to recover itself and historically save the righteous way relearning how to retrain and rewonder for better basis standards in order for all family completion standards.
Also we should require child support to provide both parents to be present in order to qualify child support. Just to filter the history that has been known to be sloppy, messy and less perfected.
Let’s keep pushing for better family orientation together and be the future we all need to resolve and guide forth.
Peace parent-friends!💙💚❤️
Thanks for watching, Jonathan Santos.
Thank you 👍👏❤
You are welcome, Sofia Sruk.
Currently co-parenting right now with a TRO. He's more laissez-faire parent and I'm more authoriative parent. Still challenging, but my son and I have a great routine and I love him so much.
printedtea, sounds like you have the number one rule of parenting down, love them no matter what and even if..... Great job.
Thank you so much I’m Haitian and dad is from here imagine different languages different cultures and ways thank you 🙏
Our pleasure! Beatrice Alboth, in those situations it is always best to seek understanding.
And the Americans elders advice me never say nothing Wong about Dad let him my son see the differences and I learned to self control with my conversation my attitude in front of my son and of things purposely say by him in Oder for me to loose my cool
Love the video, how do you deal with a co parent who don't stick to consistent contact that is affecting a child with potential special needs. Affordability for court is a problem, mediation tried but I can't seem to reach a conclusion stable for my child with my ex. It's so upsetting.
I am sorry, Jenny Marie, I hope you can work something out. Get clear on what you control and what you don't Concentrate on what you do control.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you, I will never stop trying to find better, healthier, opportunities for our child. I agree whole heartedly with what you say and it is so easy to slip from the hurt and pain but it won't fix or help empower our child or help them learn healthy habits.
I (65) am facing a divorce brought by my wife (67), splitting up our family, we have a six year old adopted daughter. My wife is very controlling and I've recently become aware that she may be suffering from narcissistic traits. I started going gray rock with her and it set her off worse. I believe in set discipline strategies, and she is very loose. She decided to go offense and destroyed my life. I am facing co-parenting with her and your video is very helpful as I travel this nightmare. Thank you.
Sorry you are going through this. I hope you can work out something for the best of your daughter.
You are way optimistic.
Thank you, Elitza Harrington. I'm a pro at positivity. : ) Thank you for watching Live On Purpose TV.
Wow powerful
Thank you for watching, Narine Jugharyan.
Children’s personal effects are the child’s and should be able to go back and forth.
You would think so...
So how do you handle your ex saying you can’t see your child because your this and that. For example I’m currently going through the family courts and she accuses me of being an alcoholic and I go do all the test to prove her wrong. Then through social media see photos of her celebrating a grand final at a bar drinking from trophies with beer spilling all over her and under the beer taps while having our child there? And our daughter was only 20 months old. Just worry about my world?
Daniel Lawson, you need to seek counsel from someone who knows the laws of your state and can advise you on how to proceed. You can do this.
I love this! I'm 100% the controlling parent, because my ex is a man-child that can't tie his own shoelaces 😊 I'm cool with that label, it's kept our kids safe and happy
Angela F, glad you are stable and there for your children.
problem is when you are too nice to an ex. the ex will abuse ones kindness otherwise you don’t need a lawyer. nor do you need a divorce.
John Law, sounds like you have had some experience in this arena. Always choose kindness.
Yeah well so be it. After years you learn to just not care. My ex was just yelling at me because I had to bring the kids back for dinner, so I thought at 6, but I have to smell that he means 5 and else I'm a b****. I think it's sad that I spoiled him. I could never say anything back because of the serpents from child care, so whatever. Forgive and bless and tell the kids to just shrug it off and not care.
You cannot get along with some people. The questions that most of us are seeking, is how to deal with the situation when the other parent is IMPOSSIBLE!
Jeff Jones, boundaries are often needed. It is difficult.
The children belongs to the father. The court system favor the mother. I did not fight for my 8 children. I want them to just be in one world, rather than two worlds.
KGB94 TV, thank you for watching.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV good content. Keep it coming!
There’s only one world that matters here son and that’s a dad’s world!!!!!
🎤 drop
SweetDaddyBarron78, and this won't be your world forever.
Live On Purpose TV you got me
what to do if your teenage son is grounded and runaway to dads and then haves emotiol issues and needs to go yo hospitail. and my ex husband trys to control my sons mind and let him do what he wants and doesnt make him go home. my xhusband wife has milti personality dissorder and bypoler. i want toget along she calls me a stalker which i have better things to do the only time im there is toget my kids and drop them off. in my divorce decree.
tracy Davis, get clear on what you control and what you don't. Don't waste your energy on things you don't control, like what someone else says to you, it won't change so don't bother with it. Work on what you control, which is mostly yourself. Fulfill your responsibility. You got this.
How can I stay positive? A real question I need to ask myself.
Living Legend, have you been through my Positivity Power-Up course? You can get it alone or it comes with a membership at go.liveonpurposecentral.com.
What about when mom sends child sick every exchange and I have a life threatening disease that if I get sick, I could die? She’s sending him sick every time on purpose! I can’t keep these worlds separate when I and my brother could die easily because of what she’s doing. She doesn’t even try to keep him healthy on purpose because having me dead would solve her problems (I literally have a video where she says she wants me dead so she can move on with her life). Do I have any course of action against what she’s doing where the court will listen to me?
I don't know, Mark. Kids normally aren't sick that often. Has he been seen by a doctor? Maybe you could take him and see if there is an underlying problem.
Is it normal to dream about divorce just so your kids can get a family dog when one parent keeps moving the goal posts on that one? Even if you understand the concerns of the other parent? Because you see those, but you also see your family as adjustable and able to adapt to changing circumstances, create new routines?
brightpage1020, sounds like there needs to be a lot more communication. Your spouse needs to have their concerns met. Ask her what it would take to get to yes and then agree to the terms and make it a contract.
I have all the gadgets ex brought in my house and I don’t how to stop it or take it out of my home. They sneak it back or the dad quarrels with me or kids are made with me. Help
PAT MARVELI, figure out what you control and what you don't. If it is at your house, then you have the say. Consequences for breaking the rules.
Hey there! This video on co-parenting with a controlling ex is a must-watch if you're going through a tough time trying to co-parent with someone who is difficult to work with. The host provides some helpful strategies for how to deal with a controlling co-parent and maintain a positive relationship for the benefit of your children. It's never easy to navigate these kinds of situations, but with the right tools and mindset, it's possible to make co-parenting work.
It really is. We only control ourselves and hopefully the parents can work through their feeling and put the kids needs first.
I am coparenting with my daughter. Trying to fit the kid into a world that makes sense. Trying to get her out of the middle. My dtr is drinking, neglectful and focused on Tinder..😢
So hard to make sure I keep visitation as she's spikey and has BPD
Pollianna, I am glad you are there for the grandchildren. Sounds like you will be a stabilizing force.
Dad has my young son call ‘mom ‘ his new wife when he is at his house and refer to me only by name. Any suggestions? ( my son is there every other weekend and half of vacations/holidays).
That's Parental alienation and i would suggest to the father he needs to stop. If not explain to the kids that's not appropriate behavior.
Eleni Grossomanidou, I know this must hurt you to have another woman called mom by your son. The first thing to consider is what you control, and what happens at your ex's home is not really under your control. Also, your son knows who his mom is and I am sure you don't want to cause him stress. When your son is at home you can refer to dad and (name of his spouse). Your son is young but will grow and understand that you are his mother and no matter what one labels other people in his life, you are his mom.
Found this guy last night. He seems a little goofy at times but upbeat.
That pretty much sums me up.
Me and my husband have 7 children. My husband does not want me to see or talk to our children. Blocks phone call, mail, or box in mail , toys I mail our children . I can't come home to the house because , I told on my husband, ( rape , under the alcohol, to a 3 year old). The police report , child welfare dose not care. They keep me out ,since 22 March 2022. That's the day I Gave more report, fresh information, about sexual abuse to our children. Please pray. I don't have money for lawyers. My husband has all the banks only on his name. We been married for 14 years. All of the 7 children have been with my husband for 7 months now, and I can not provide for our children. My husband wanted only to do everything through the court. On 16 November, 2022 ,is the final dissolution case . I pray that maybe the judge could be understanding and give me soul custody of some of our children. Ages of the children is 3 Girl Nareha, 7 age Susanna, 7 age Arianna, 8 age Anita, 10 age Sarah, 1boy, 12 age Tigran ,13 age Miriam. Please pray so the Lord God could have mercy on our children , and they can love the Lord God With all the heart, mind ,soul, and strength, and for them to be faithful to the end, and to have God's anointing on each one of our children. And so The Lord would put a shield around the children , to keep them from sins , and lusts, and drugs, and wine, adultery, and any evil way ,or wicked people. So the children can find happiness, joy ,love in serving each other, in the Name of Jesus Christ.
I wish the best for your family. I hope you are able to see your children again.
Alot of these women do not give a damn about these kids.Im about to loose my mind worrying about my kids bcz everytime this chick has a psychotic episode me and my kids go from talking everyday to her taking their phones I bought them.
I don't like to hear about kids being kept from communicating from their parents, BeastMaster AkA ThaBarbaric1 . Sending positive thoughts your way.
I hear you Beast, I have been going through that and now my son is finding his own voice and seeing a lot of actions this year. Keep focused and document. Praying for truth through continued support of the children.
Same bro. My ex cut my kid off from his phone last night and here I am sleepless for the first time in months sick to my stomach. She cut him off and said if I want to reach him I should call her phone. But previously she told me not to ever call her phone and only text her. So now it's basically a trap so she can say I am harassing her when really all I'm trying to do is maintain the normal level of communication my son is used to with his father.
Yes. Us women go through the same.
Man or woman it can go either way
What about if the kids have medical needs and the other parent refuses to follow medical orders??? I've done what I can do.
If there are medical orders, non-compliance should be documented by a medical professional, Callie. This is one case where judges can get involved and effectively.
It's medical neglect but CPS won't care of he's not the custodial parent. If it was you, oh they would be all over it.
what about mom who has half custody wont put her in schools and daycares that work for both of us , how do we deal with the issues in the combined world of our children
TB Gaming, maybe mediation could work. Come up with a plan to show her that would be in the best interest of your child.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV shes an absolute narcissist she is unable to coparent on any level
' What if youWhat about safety or medical care in ex´s world? What if you know that the other parent is driving around without correct safety? What if he is not taking care of a cronic desease properly or denying superior medical care? Do you interfere? How do you manage that?
You document and then you present to the court so changes can be made. Since you don't have control over the behavior of another person, all you can do is control yourself so think about what you have control over.
Can you do a video on controlling parent in marriage who always implements their rules regarding parenting where both parents have different opinions on parenting style.
That is a very tough order, Ran Jam. I will see what we can come up with.
Sounds like counseling is needed.
The communication course in The Personal Development School might help too.
Control always is rooted in fear. Once that can be seen and hopefully healed...dynamics change. The controlling one has to work on their core wounds, false narratives etc.
Im struggling to negotiate a schedule with my ex that is in the best interest of our son. My ex runs his emotional agenda and puts our sons emotional agenda on the back burner. For example, we're not getting along at the moment because he is demanding to have him xmas eve and xmas morning with his new girlfriend and her son. My son desperately wants to spend xmas eve at home and see his father on xmas day. My ex is saying our sons emotions are irrelevant because I had him xmas eve last year so its unfair. Even though Ive said he could have him xmas day for most of the day plus the weekend following xmas and new years eve. My son is distraught about it and says when he visits with dad he mostly just plays with his girlfriends son anyway. Its so stressed I dont know how to get my ex to understand that our son's (age 11) feelings matter too!
I hope you can work it out so your son has the least amount of anxiety.
Co-parenting is doomed from the start...I respect divorced couples that can make it work, it's incredibly hard. The problem is when your Ex has a new boyfriend in her life, who thinks that he is their, "Dad", and chimes in on rules, etc. That's where sh*t gets ugly really fast. I am dealing with that right now with my Toxic Ex's new man, and it's such a black hole. They aren't even engaged and she refers to him around my kids as, "Dad" and me by my first name; they are only 12 and 16, so, they have bought into it. Every time I push back she simply says, "I'll see you in court." Really? For what, I ask? I literally makes my head explode.
Night Wolf, no matte what they say, you will always be their dad and your kids will come to understand that.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you for your response. The problem is the collateral damage that occurs along the way. My Ex calls me an, "asshole loser," which I am not, and refers to her new boyfriend as a "Savior". My kids hear this when she is on the phone, and believe in her view because she says that she makes the rules. Even when they are with me they say, "Mom doesn't let us do, 'this." I say, "my world, my rules," but all it seems to do is confuse them. It's all about control with some people; her boyfriend makes more money than me which emboldens her bully attitude. My 16 yr. old daughter has distanced herself from me, and I fear I have lost her forever.
12 and 16 usually favor their dad it’s odd they’d be so quick to take this new man as their Dad and not you
@@l.i.l.i.r.e.a.d.s.1231 It's because they live with their mom, who hates me, but I'm Ok with that. She has brainwashed them into thinking, "This is your new Daddy!" It's so pathetic. I would never resort to the measures that she has.
Can you do a video on how to Parallel Parent with someone who has been doing Parental alienation. The courts have been involved for 9 yrs, and even ordered him to let one of our children to go to reunification therapy after 6 months of no contact. And this is very expensive! He is now telling the kids that if mommy gets you mad, or emotional, then text him and he will come get them. They are young teens, who tend to push limits and get emotional over almost everything. Even for things like, me telling them they have to do something or go somewhere they don't want to go. I really have to choose my battles carefully. But on a few occasions one of our children left without my knowledge. And I had to call the cops to help me locate him. I know my job is to Love them no matter what. But how do I follow through with discipline, if they run away to him?
It sounds as though you have custody now, Tammy Grosso. Pick your battle and let them know during the period they are unhappy with you that you love them. They may go for a bit to dad's, but they will be back.
"practise forgiveness", made me cringe. I just cant. He has been aweful and nothing short of a narcassist abuser
Everything else you said was excellent thank you.
Az Trades Crypto, you are welcome. I hope you can continue to heal.
If you read the Bible, and pray for God to forgive you your sins, ... when God forgive you, you will understand how God had mercy on you , and you should show mercy...
What happens when your 2 worlds come together as with a child wedding ?
Skin Care, do your best to limit the time you will be together if that is a problem, and have a buffer. Smile and remember that you want to be there for your child.
Sounds like these poor kids are going to be confused as hell when they grow up ..... living in places with conflicting rules
Sam Finch, kids are resilient and they quickly learn the differences, they almost always grow up and see how the different styles either helped or disadvantaged them.
Well... it might seem that way...
I was taken emergently from my home at 2 1/2, with my sister, we then were in 5 foster homes over the next year, then adopted.
So, we lost our parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, all in one moment. That is trauma. Then we had to be in so many different houses with people we didn’t know at all, then again, and again...differences at all places.
Ended up with parents who provided...but were strangers at first. After all the other strange homes with strangers.
Certainly there was an impact & I didn’t realize until much later how profound.
I ended up being an RN, responsible, and very involved mother.
My sister ended up all over the place, chaotic, undone...
So, it’s hard to say.
Depends on many factors.
Our case was extreme though.
Through my lens, 2 different homes with people I know and able to keep my extended family...that sounds very doable.
What if I have been doing the wrong thing and solving my son's problems in his dad's "world" - e.g. he was living at his dad's home and did not have a laptop for school, wasn't getting to his appointments for medical and health issues, wasn't able to communicate - I ended up working around things to make it easier for my son. Now he is 15 and I am seeing disrespect from him and non compliance around things like chores and etc; and yet he expects the same kinds of things I have been providing for him all these years. I feel like I over did things now I am being taken for granted - dad still doesn't contribute and I am still paying for and providing for many things for my son. He uses the "I'm at dad's house" and "I need this for school/to call you" and "I can't afford it" when I tell him maybe he should start paying his cell phone now, contribute to his martial arts classes etc...
Might be time to change things up a big, Aveline B. Let him know what is required up front for these things to be provided. Thanks for watching.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thanks so much for that validation...after hitting send I felt that in my gut too. Many thanks Dr. Paul.
what about babies under 1 I want a 3/4 day split with neither parent going more than 2 days without seeing our 6-month baby. (we live 10min apart) Plus I'm still nursing this stuff is stressful. The father wants the baby Friday to Tuesday even though he can't take care of the baby the days he works(weekdays). he's threatening with a lawyer now he believes he's the better parent because he has a job during covid19 but I'm the primary caretaker and I pay for everything for my child in my home.
lili unrated, If you can show you have a steady home, that won't make much difference. Good luck.
I have a similar situation but I’m the parent that works more hours. And I’m the primary caretaker that’s provides for our child . He also asking my daughter fri-Tuesday. Hes also threathing me and believes he’s should have the child because I work to much and the child should stay with him because he works less .
What if I have a 16 year old that doesn't come to my world so I can't teach them things for my world
lpcarpenter, let them know you are there for them and have some things to share whenever they are ready and then don't try to teach them anything. They may not be ready or receptive. Work on the relationship.
So mom confiscated the laptop and (possibly kept it or sold it) so that's now dad's fault since it wasn't returned during dad's time
gears & cogs, I am not sure what is going on here. I hope whoever owns the laptop gets it back.
I understand everything you're saying. But I want to have kids when they aren't in school. I think I deserve a weekend with my children, not just the responsibility time. Mon- 1 hour in the morning before school, but I'm cooking breakfast, reminding kids to brush teeth etc, kids get home at 4 pm I get off at 5 pm then cook dinner, eat, get kids ready for tomorrow, do homework, bathing, then they go to bed at 8. My time is filled with responsibility, repeat this Mon-Fri. On Wednesday dad gets kids 5-7, and then kids have to come home get ready for bed. Then dad gets kids every weekend, I'm not ok with this dynamic. I want time other than, school, work, getting kids ready for bed, Drs office, I want to have fun on the weekend's with my kids too.
Jennifer Draheim, thank you for watching. I understand, and if I were in your situation, I'm sure I would feel the same way, too. Is your children's father willing to negotiate the terms? I wonder if there could be something worked out civilly to make this happen.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV no he's fighting everything.
@@jenniferjohnson1378 Well I am very sorry to hear that. Best wishes to you.
Ironically my ex is saying the same thing with me but then when I ask for days during the week she laughs at me, I’d love to have the days of doing homework and making dinner and at the end of the night putting my daughter to bed
The laptop issue. Yep. My x has purchased 2 Alexa devices. We have rules against ALL Alexa devices. We have zero. I've saved both devices for our child for when he's older. X HATES it.
Pokahotness, Glad you are not allowing him to control what happens in your home.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I learned boundaries with him in counseling long ago. I stand my ground in a very healthy way
Is this a form of parallel parenting? My child’s father states he didn’t want to take our son to the doc that he’s had since birth and has only been to two doc appointments in our child’s 2 yrs of life. I would really like sole custody on decisions because joint is just a giant headache. My poor son won’t be able to go to his well child check because all of a sudden he doesn’t like the doc and I don’t like the one he choose. Court is a bitch to, but it seems like my only resolution. My poor son. I feel so bad for him. He’s innocent in all this craziness.
Random max W, I am sorry for your son also. You and your child's father need to put his interest first.
If people could stay focused on their shared goals (presumably creating a supportive, sustainable future for their family), create the best worlds possible for themselves, solve the problems on their side of the street, and practice forgiveness for each other, something tells me divorce wouldn't have even come up as a viable option in the first place.
Right?
What I mean is - maybe we should practice this before it becomes a divorce?
Sounds reasonable.
Yes, hopefully that would prevent a few divorces.
I'm dealing with a controlling ex boyfriend. He is the father of our son but his mother and he have been trying to over right my parental rights. I hope I'm saying that correctly. I never know where my son is when the grandmother has him. They're both very nasty individuals and I've been dealing with threats on both sides. Now it's to the point where my child's father purposely has his mom pick my son up from school and KEEP HIM! my child's father always dumps our son on everyone else especially when there's a temper tantrum. My time with my son has been diminished due to both of them. They're starting to get physical. Idk what to do I'm trying to save my son because that's not a good environment
Jessica, is there a parenting plan. Get one in place if there isn't.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV He doesn't care for it. He allows me to have him most of the time which I don't mind. And he's always asking me to keep him for an "extra day". He's very neglectful and puts it all on me
@@jessicagousse85 i am dealing with my partner ex who is kind of rude and wild women who act like teenager while she has 3 children from two different relationships she end up and she is 34 my partner and her first son is 13 now she is being allowed to have 50%custody but we have been having him almost 90%of time of the year in her week he need to come to us after school and she picked him up whenever it suits her and according to custody law its all forbidden the kid should not show up in one of his parents home except there is some reasons but not to sleep over or to stay since its the parent duty to take care of the kid in their week since she married her 3rd man she dont want pick him up from school neither fix bus tickets to town she moved so he can go to her house straight she used us esp this two years like day care and i have two children with partner i want to set boundaries where she need to put on line becouse i am over on her rude actions its very hard to deal with this kind of non responsible non matured girl/boy type indviduals .
@@channelshalom8914I’d keep record of everything like that. Can fall under parental alienation.
@@lauraramirez13 Unfortunately he end up cover up for her becouse their son want her to have him in hlaf custody
What about when you try being a parent but the other makes it all about them and their personal feelings. Literally, to the point of calling the police thinking an email put them in some sort of danger. Sincerely...my ex knew nothing about my childhood nor personal opinions on different topics...so instead of just being mature...ends up panicking...only to take me to court...claim what I was doing was criminal...yet in a civil trial...literally had the nerve to then ask my opinions on how to raise our child. I literally now all for the sake of wanting to see my kid again...now during background checks have that on my record.
I am not sure what all happened here, I hope you get to spend time with your child.
I respect your experience and expertise.
However, how do you co-parent or even parallel parent when your ex is:
a) narcissistic and arrogant
b) aggressive and abusive (has been physical with me in the past, emotionally/verbally abusive throughout our relationship, often enraged in front of our child and rough with her on occasion). He is so secretive now, and our daughter is afraid of him, so I have no idea what really goes on or has been going in in the other household or other places during his custodial time
c) is controlling and unreasonable and refuses to communicate effectively or get on the same page about many important issues (like choosing schools and following the right of first refusal). Even while together, I felt like a single parent living with an authoritarian dictator (he refused to heed ANY parenting advice from experts - much less even entertain what I had to say)
d) manipulates others against me (including his family/former friends - who believe him over me, a vicious lawyer, the courts, and even private investigators(!)
e) projects his behavior and shortcomings onto me
f) never speaks positively about me to our child and is incredibly disrespectful, determined to undermine any of my authority or even my ability to parent during my custodial time
g) has encouraged others and has himself turned our child against me (smearing me to her and others and leading her to report on/exaggerate/lie about me and turn against me)
h) uses technology to track and spy on us, such as demanding a locked cellphone he provides stay turned on while our daughter is at my apartment (even though I have provided her with her own cellphone since a few years back). He recorded me illegally when we lived together, and seems to know things he otherwise shouldn't.
i) is living with the prostitute he solicited at the end of our relationship (who was in rehab twice for heavy drug use, is a felon who committed armed robbery and went to prison for it, continued "escorting" well into their relationship, and has a daughter she encouraged into drug use and sex work)?
Imagine what any sane parent would do if they discovered a babysitter, nanny, or preschool teacher had a history like this woman he lives with? She even attempted to recruit a friend of mine, the mother of our daughter's close friend into joining her escort service, saying: "It would be good for you and your daughter, because you'd make so much money."
I have worked with mediators, school counselors, lawyers, teachers, parent educators, therapists, child protective services, the police, and other specialists to try and figure out how to manage this, since our separation (when our daughter was only 5).
You'd think the courts would at least look at the financial disparity in our households in order to help make the 50/50 arrangement more equitable (our daughter prefers being at my ex's place because he can afford a big house, pets, has better entertainment like big screen TVs, Xbox, faster WiFi, iPads, etc.) He has plenty of money to drag me through the courts (for over 4 out of the 6+ years and ongoing). The stress and strain of single parenting while poor and unable to hire an attorney for more than an hour at a time is tremendous.
Most of the advice about parenting after divorce seems to hinge on pretending none of this matters. I admit I have had to work hard at not responding/reacting strongly - as any normal parent would. My ex tends to focus on that instead of his instigation. He takes no responsibility for his poor choices and how he's negatively affected our child. Instead, he has tried everything to find some major fault in my (admittedly imperfect) parenting. He's complained to the courts about so many asinine and made-up stories about me, doing all he can to shift the blame. His campaigns have impoverished me, exacerbated my health issues, and made living a decent life much less being a great parent nearly impossible.
For years, I've worried about protecting our daughter from the dark fate he and this woman he lives with are very likely to manifest for her, since they have normalized so much skewed and illegal behavior. As a parent in our modern world, we are constantly being reminded of our responsibility to protect and care for our kids. Can you imagine the frustration of handing my daughter over to their household has been every other week?
Now, I'm actively being erased from my child's life and she has been put into the middle by my ex. In order to function and feel safe, she submits to him out of fear and acts out when with me (because she knows I allow her to express herself fully and I sincerely care for and love her). After an outburst and tantrum, I attempted to discipline her (I got angry) and she'd been coached to "tell" if anything in my household upset her. So, she complained...and now he's got an order against me.
Natasha McC, I hear you and sincerely empathize with your situation. There is a lot going on here, and unfortunately it is inadequate to respond to with a single post. I encourage you to take advantage of our free 25 minute breakthrough call with a Live On Purpose coach (you can schedule it here: DrPaulJenkins.com/breakthroughcall). They will help you figure out what you have control over and what you don't.
There are others who are in similar situations and you might want to seek out a support group. Thanks for being at Live On Purpose TV.
Sounds like you have more than enough info to have sole custody with no visitation for him.
Contact CASA, CARDV, and other similar organizations. Some psychologists will work on a sliding scale fee if you need their support, guidance. Some lawyers will do pro bono work, but it’s very hit and miss.
Your situation is one I’d consider breaking the law for. There is no way I’d feel my child was safe going to that environment. If the courts were messed up enough to rule to allow him to see her...I’d be gone.
Enough cases where someone didn’t act or see the exception...and a child paid the price.
Most times I believe parents should try to coparent...but cases like yours with a Machiavelli type dynamic, nope.
U must be very angry...calm down.,...I perfectly understand what u are going through
The two worlds thing is a good way of looking at it. My world is in a different country to my xh's. Luckily I never cared what the rules were at my x's house. I do feel I could have hidden my wounds and my distress, worry, anxiety and pain from the children more though. Gotta a lot of crap parenting to make up for.
Stick to the principles - and remember your job! DrPaul
I keep asking him to co parent he won't .
Stay in the lane of what you control and you don't control his behavior.
❤
Thank you, Alisa, glad we can meet up.
Dude. Overwhelmingly there are not two battling sides. One side hammers the other with salvos based in deep resentment. The notion that all guilt is shared perpetuates high-conflict. One side controls the other and if problems arise, both share the blame or the casual party absorbs the blame. It creates an unending cycle.
Murray Marshawn, depends on the situation.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Here is what you don't talk about, because it is a money maker for you and your system.
Side B wants Side A gone. That is the mission = gone.
Side A only wants 50% and wants the child to have two parents, not assuming that he is so grand as to replace or supplant the other.
Therefore, all aspects of the evaluation unfold with only one side under pressure and duress. Side A stands to lose, Side B stands to gain or return to current.
Thus, the evaluation experience for Side A is equivalent to reading a Shakespeare sonnet from memory with a loaded gun placed to his head.
Side B gets to read the sonnet from a crisp sheet of white paper seated on a recliner next to a living room fire.
You industry makes its profits on this imbalance. The nature of risk and performance is not shared equally by the parties. In this difference, which you ignore, you make money.
Controlling ex's control the children and are dangerous.
Rhys Weaver, if we do anything out of control, to anyone, our motives are not in the right place and the outcome will not be in the best interest of everyone. So sad to see, especially when done with children.
Well he ain’t taking care his business so imma have to put my foot down . He been abusive controlling and act like chump change is taking care a child
Do what you need to.
What you aren't touching on issues that intersect both worlds like medical decisions, what sports the kids play, what schools they attend, etc. When one parent dominates those decisions and doesn't include the other parent, that is where the real control exists.
Also in your scenarios you have painted the fathers out to have bad character and no discipline with the children. Yet studies clearly show then when a father is not in the picture a child will be less likely to do well in school, more likely to get in trouble and more likely to end up in prison/jail. Men are typically the ones who keep the children in line, were mother's first instinct is to nurture. Ppl get upset at the kids these days with their lack of discipline, respect for authority and a sense of entitlement, yet never point out the connection with the rise of single motherhood and domination with women's rights over children's lives.
Father's are important and in most scenarios that I have witnessed it's the mother that tends to be the controlling one, usually done out of bitterness to the father. Father's typically aren't getting overly involved in what a child is doing at their mom's house unless it severely effecting the welfare of the child. There is a reason the saying goes, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."
Fathers are vital to their children's healthy development.
"And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children UNCLEAN; but now are they holy." (1Co 7:10-14, KJV)
Thank you for watching.
Mine just wants more more from me at all cost while she gets welfare. And is doing fraud to the state while always screwing me. At this point im just ready to give up my rights. Its affecting my life and my wife and kids life with all the stress and bs she keeps doing to us
BIG W, you could report the fraud. Think clearly about what it would do to your child to step out of their life.
I think this man is correct that the courts tend to work this way.
However - it shows why America's legal regime and its courts should be destroyed immediately.
This is NOT how families are supposed to work. The court should FORCE PARENTS to work together, or be SEVERELY PUNISHED. Dad is the head, Mom is the First Mate, and they have to work together. Or, Dad is the "God the Father figure", Mom is the "Christ figure", and the children are like the Holy Spirit, the outpouring of the love between them.
Thank you for watching.
Put 'God Almighty back into your diagram ??? and lives. Live by the Bible and "your" life will ONLY THEN get better !!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing.
Have to give a thumb down on this.
Especially when dad buys son a laptop computer and mums confiscated it.
If she doesn't hand back then it would be classified as thief.
martin spalding, it could be.