Co-Parenting with a Difficult Personality - Mistakes People Make!
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- Опубликовано: 6 сен 2024
- #mentalhealth #stephanielyncoaching #narcissisticabuse #emotionalabuse #selflove
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I watched this thinking it was going to help me with coparenting with my ex and realized I’m also the toxic one because I project so much anger and resentment towards him for all the pain he caused me in our relationship and now he is the calm and collected one through coparenting, this really made me realize I need to let go of alot
You letting go of the pain he „caused you“ looks like this: he never caused you pain
I'm in the same boat,I can't stand dealing with this.
That was me at first as well. I chose to try an heal. Seeker therapy, let things go, realized it was not all of my fault,‘I was holding onto why are they hurting me then realized even though I was communicating about the kids, it was coming from a place of hurt because he would respond in a rude manner which made it hard to to just swallow and I was ready to attack back. Now we are in deeper poo and He is choosing to cut ties of verbal communication all in one for no reason to be understood for months now other than there must be a personal issue not communicated
You need to talk to my sons mother. Because this is our situation.
@@fromnothingtosomething8102 probably. Since this comment we have tried to communicate and patch up. I am at the point of now that all I can do is leave it with the courts like he wants. I won’t argue or continue to try unless they want to. Gaslighting, manipulation and smoke screening is real. We have joint custody but he keeps trying to have them full time and when I want to say yes fully, he shows many reasons not. It’s like a set up, when I don’t agree, he cuts ties. So pretty much tantrums and cuts communication with himself and my kids when they are with him just be spiteful and changes plans for no reason and speaks negatively which makes the kids feel they need to choose.It’s truly childish for him and his wife. I know why he is doing it but he fails to see how it will effect our kids. I honestly wanted a United front for them. I give a whole mile, he wants the whole city. Only so much a parent can do.
It just seems so unfair that they get to abuse us when they want and we must just sit in silence.
I do everything that was mentioned in this video and although it's a few and far between I get verbal abuse at least every week for trying to co parent. It used to be daily. Soon as you set boundaries they go off on one. The minute you leave the door open their nowhere insight.
They don't care about the kids they just want validation, attention and control
I'm fed up.
I really needed to hear this today after crying the whole day. I’m finally going to accept that this person is just the way they are and no amount of over explaining will change who they are.
5 years ago when my journey started... I NEEDED this. Lol but life and court showed me. When it comes to written communication, you MUST learn that it can be a weapon or a shield. Just in the past year the constant communication and drama has come to a grinding halt. Still have to keep in the back of the mind that this person will slit the throat at all costs. There is no olive branch, stick to whatever is in your paperwork, stay the course. Life has a funny way of helping you out- thank you Stephanie!
I had to learn how to be a better version of myself. #1. I let go of my own anger for staying in a toxic relationship #2. I learned to forgive. #3. I learned how to be compassionate. #4. I set boundaries that allowed for a parallel friendship ❤️All steps were hard work & there were set backs. Consistency is the key & practicing that emotional muscle.
This was EXTREMELY helpful!! I need to learn how to deal with my own emotions. To parent myself- that was the biggest light bulb moment. I’m listening to this whole thing a second time.
The over explaining was my pitfall for sure. Thank you. A lightbulb went off on this topic!!!!!!
Great advice. Parallel parenting is the way forward with a toxic ex. Also working on your own need to control what happens when your child is with the other parent is a game changer. Boundaries are essential in this situation more than anything. Also putting things in writing for clarity and consistency.
Yes, the Talking Parents app that the court ordered was huge! Everything is time stamped and documented.
Excellent video!!!! My ex wife is like a rabid animal in her efforts to hurt me. Thank god my daughter has chosen to live with me full time but my 8 year old son still has to go every other weekend!!! Like you said she does nothing to benefit the children. Many of your videos has helped me over the last 4 years!! Thanks so much
Mike from NC
This was so vital. The overexplaining part def resonated with me and I’m learning to just keep it simple when it comes to my responses. All learning experiences
I understand! Just remember, in the long run...LESS is more! The LESS you say, the better it is for you. You can do this!
Yes learned to keep it simple. So important!
Yes accept them. They wont change! Work ur way around their obstacles
Same! 🙏🏾
Obviously I'm here bc I'm in this kind of situation atm. What I don't understand is how it is expected that someone who never "coparented" while being married (just paper)/living together has even the rights to coparent afterward. They say it's for the children, but for the children's sake it is best not to know this person. As well as not idealizing a father, but keep him away. He was abusive in all ways, physically, verbally, sexually, yet I have to cater to what the court says bc the times I tried to go to the police I had no way to prove it more than my words. He assaulted me and my father in front of my kids, still nobody listens to my children. He finally got his way last month and was allowed to take the children 2 days/week for some hours: he drives at 200km/h (around 125mph), he drinks while driving, he had the kids all day and they ate once in 10h, plus he doesn't follow covid rules in our state.
Can someone explain to me why I have to do any healing or try anything for my kids to be with a bad person? I finally was strong to kick him out for real after 13 years, but he's never out. And also not in jail as he should be.
He has a girlfriend and I actually thought "well, at least shell keep him in check with the kids". Well, I thought wrong, she's as toxic as he is, belittling me in front of my kids without knowing me (I never met her before) and being sassy, uploading pictures of my kids on her social media as telling me "ha, we got them", etc. How can a sane person (if I still am) give away her 2 kids willingly to such couple? It's like me knowing a teacher is an a-hole and not complaining to the school or bringing my kids to him voluntarily. I'm sorry. No.
This isn't ONLY about mental health, acceptance, forgiveness, etc. This goes beyond all that. "Coparenting with a toxic person" shouldn't be allowed by law.
Wow... I been through this and it was way worse then everything your saying. I wish I could have done it all alone all it did was damage my son mentally he knew he couldn't hurt me so he used my son it's very sad. My son is 16 punched him one time and broke his dads nose he finally left us alone thank God!
It’s the same as when we were married. If he wants to have a good day then we have a good day. If he wants to co parent then we co parent well. Once I set boundaries that upset him. The best thing you can do is FOLLOW the schedule ALWAYS.
💯💯
I have children in there 40s.
The games never end.
I think one of my children is narcissistic.
Chaos always being created by the Narc parent. Still trying to treat the ex-wife and kids as possession.
Love and hate that this relationship is so predictable.
I am currently separated going through a divorce with two kids and I’m currently a SAHM. I’ve been with my soon to be ex husband for 13 years and he’s a big nasty narcissist. He WILL not be cordial and is constantly accusing me of cheating and tells me many times how he knows I’ve “moved on”. I never ever go out and all I do is stay home, he constantly goes out every few days and some nights he doesn’t even sleep at the house. I don’t confront him about these things anymore for a long time actually. I already know he will make this so difficult for me when I go back to work and get my own apartment for our kids and I. He already does on days I want to run a quick grocery store errand and don’t want to take the kids on that day, he accuses me of going to see someone else and tells me I need to learn how to take the kids. Let me just say that I always have my children. I take them everywhere I go and rarely have I ask him to watch the kids while I go grocery shopping. It’s been over 3+ that I’ve seen a friend and had dinner or have done anything for myself yet I’m the one that’s “wrong” all the time.
I went through the same thing with my now ex fiancée. It’s projection. He is/was cheating. My ex would tell me I “changed”, he missed the “old me”, I don’t love him anymore. You deserve better. You’re beautiful. Move on and heal.
@@chelseawelch3229 wow I’m sorry to hear you went through something similar. He has told me also that if I could act a little bit like the “old me” everything would be good. Lol the old me would cry and beg him not to leave me, I would forgive every wrong he did to me including many infidelities. And thank you girl for your kind words 😊
@@jessacosta5195 I have been taking a mother wound course and next the father wound course to heal so I don’t pass on my wounds to my son. I highly recommend you seek support so you can do the same. I also see a therapist but I don’t think it’s necessary but doing the work is. If not, you’ll attract another narcissist subconsciously.
I'm listening and learning as I'm not a parent! Anyway I dare say that I wouldn't raise my kid with a toxic person (I had a toxic father and no thanks, not for my kids!)
Things don't always go as planned. Hope that's how it goes for you though!
@@steph3098 I had even a toxic boyfriend in my 20's and I am now staying away from them. But you are right, I get you. I can only hope that I will be able to stay away from them and find myself a good man! :)
@@MihaelaClaudiaPuscas a lot of toxic unhealthy behaviors appear "after the fact" such as after the wedding or after the birth of children. My best advice is to look into the person's past/upbringing, any trauma they have experienced and notice if they have put in the work to heal, self-reflect and if they have a "growth" mindset or are set in their ways.
I appreciate this video because I have been spiraling for a minute and it’s been hard for me to release the control of what’s going on or whoever my child would be exposed to and it really made me just want to go ahead and cut him out entirely since he has no legal custody but I realize that toxic and wouldn’t benefit my child in the long run. I will definitely follow that approach of we don’t communicate in a friendship manor just the normal requirements regarding the child so I no longer have to try to make something work emotionally with him and I don’t have to know about his personal life that other wise might upset me because the main purpose is just for my child to have a good relationship with both parents. He will definitely be doing everything on his own though because I at first wanted to help him and make this process as easy as possible and I realize I don’t have to assist a grown up who other wise would not assist me.
I really appreciate how you bring out PRACTICAL tips and examples. There are alot of people educating us about narcissists, but HOW do we deal with it? You're one of the first that really has helped me loo at everything logically and not just what they did to me
Love this type of content. THANK YOU!!
This is great info. I struggle with those that are subtlety abusive, that are camelions in disguise, the same rules don't apply to them as they do you! I hope we all one day put our children 1st, besides taking care of ourselves of course. Thank you!
Agree
I love that in all the encouragement you share, you're calling parents to turn inward and reflect. It's never too early or too late to work on ourselves. ♥
Super helpful video! I used to overexplain for just that reason! Waiting for the “ah hah” moment. Never came!
Ok so. I did the part where I looked at myself and saw where I was making the mistake in allowing what they other person was doing allow me to react in an explosive way but when I took it upon myself to constantly take on and fix their mistakes, it feels like its building resentment all over again and that is hard to manage with trying to be the consistent "new you" because even though it isnt going to happen overnight I feel like I have to constantly be in survival mode and then run to the best coping mechanism so it doesnt turn into anger. Its really difficult. Recently my coping mechanism has been running to my therapist or journaling. Maybe its some other things that I need to consider trying but that is very difficult for me right now.
Omg girl thanks so much. Really needed this 🙏🏾
Thank you for this video it’s very helpful! ❤️😇
I am so glad I came across this video.
Hey Stephanie when it comes to my personal issue with my co parenting I feel like he doesn’t say anything at all there is no sense of communication there’s a lot of avoidance and separation of his life and his child’s life he’s always too busy he never really isn’t there until he wants our daughter to go with him to an event or when he’s sending money for her I just feel stuck on what to do?
Whew this hit home…. Great advice!!
My advise to you would be to add to your list the chance of your coparent to growup, and also what to do if you commit a mistake
My ex uses my child as a trophy ,
He never took care of her when she was a baby, unless it was a holiday, for his fsmily, THEN he would pick out a dress, and bathe her, and show her off, and when he came home, he threw her at me. Of corse he didn't admit it, but yeah he treats her as a trophy.
You allow it? 🤷♀️ Go with, step in, whatever it takes to break that narrative. Allowing it to happen without any change on your part negates your complaint.
Do something about it. Are they going to be happy about it? Nope. But if you accept it, then don't complain. Simple.
I refused to allow it and it ended in a divorce. I KNOW what it takes.
Put your foot down.
Same as my worthless ex; she thinks a 5 year old human life only exists to make her look good to neighbors and friends; once she's inside, where no neighbors or friends can see then she shows her real self which is constantly yelling at him and traumatizing him until he shuts down and doesn't say anything.
I haven't been faced with this type of situation, but this advice sounds very logical and helpful. You would hope that both parents, even if they are not on the best terms, would put the best interest of the the child/children as their first priority.
This was exactly what I needed ❤️ I am going to try to be consistent with keeping myself calm when dealing with difficult toxic people. Thank you for this so well put together coaching 👏
This video was brilliant! Such a clear and useful bunch of information. I definitely use to over explaining! Not anymore protecting my peace🙌🏾
Hey there! As someone who's been through the ups and downs of co-parenting, I know how challenging it can be to deal with a difficult ex. That's why I highly recommend checking out this video on co-parenting with a difficult personality. It's packed with helpful tips on common mistakes people make in these situations and how to avoid them. Whether you're dealing with an ex who's always stirring up drama or just plain difficult to work with, this video is a must-watch
This is exactly everything I’m onto now. Thank you!
Great video! Took me years and I am still working on it but had to learn to follow the same because the other parent always makes it hard. However it helped me to feel more stable in my own life and with my kids
This is soooo great! My toxic ex sent me a list of coparenting articles to try to make the case that we should be having more contact and stop using the court ordered coparenting app. Of course, none of the articles addressed how to deal when one party is a narcissist or BPD. Thanks for this video. It validates that I am on the right path. Learning how to set boundaries is tricky but consistency has definitely brought more peace over the past year.
Can I ask, what is the app?
@@nataliebuchmann1726 probably Our Family Wizard. It's a life saver for those of us who have ex's controlling by OVER communicating. Its worth the annual fee.
@@nataliebuchmann1726 I use Talking Parents. I love it.
Yes Our Family Wizard.
Iv begged my children's mother to use a coparent app , she refuses but also refuses to text any question I have about the kids , it gets very frustrating
This is so beneficial
Thank you so much for that kind of information! Your support means the world🙏
It’s hard when we both set boundaries for our child and she always has a double standard and pushes the boundaries no end at all has new partner there when she said she wouldn’t have anyone around our child expects me not to as well Makes it very difficult. I wouldn’t anyway as I put the child first
Awesome video... thank you so much
My ex has aggression problems, he is verbally abusive and loud. I have a problem with that. He never says anything normally, but shouts at you right away. Never takes responsibility and blamed things on me. I would love to go no contact but we have kids. At home a tyrant, outside an angel. He can switch personalities in a second.
I don’t trust her with the kids
That was great advices. I have a friend who doesn't have any knowledge about narcissist people. My ex came pick up the kids with 3 police cars ,I didn't react .She went to talk to him and tried to convince me to talk to him.Don't take advices from people who don't have knowledge in narcissist abusr.
Will definitely implement these things. Great video.
All the more reason not to have kids right away in relationships. Get to know yourself first and foremost, and really get to know the person you’re with. Because the second you have a kid with someone, you are tied to them for life. Be smart people.
Obviously you have no idea about narcissists and the many reasons people end up in abusive relationships. It doesn’t just happen because we weren’t “smart” - that is naive and overly simplistic. I find your comment judgemental and hurtful.
Google “cycle of abuse”. Many of us have also trying to get through our lives scarred by our childhoods as well.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart ♥️
Thank you Stephanie! The message was much needed.
Great advice
Steph love all your videos. You helped so many of us out there struggling with self love and codependency issues.
Sending you lots of love from Pakistan 💕
Stephanie this is what i am afraid of in the future if ever im going to divorce my husband with two kids.
GREAT ADVISE!!!! 🙏🏽 thank you
Hello Vanessa, how are you doing?
This has been so validating. Thank you so much.
Valuable advice! Thanks a lot.
This was so on point for me!!!!!!!! Thanks!
Knowing that your child is not safe, and that the child was put in grave danger, the court hasn’t taken the proper measures to protect the child; how do you accept parallel parenting?
Am I wrong for keeping my child from the Narc due to his drug and alcohol addiction so many people in and out of his life it scares me to death to think she won’t be looked after.
Good video!
I try to coparent with my sons father, but he picks & chooses when he’s actively there as a parent. Currently I see him trying more, but instead of fixing his car.. he wants to drive with us and get hotel rooms when we go on away sports events. I feel like that’s pushing a boundary.. any thoughts??? (Never married -12 yrs ago broke up.. so this is not a new thing) He is expecting me to drive him and let him come with like he & I ara still a couple…
Thanks for this! So useful!
You said it all for me thank you so much
Totally needed this ❤
You can't you just have to look at the situation clearly and parent from a solely legal and safety perspective. Especially if their are mental health or medical concerns. Sometimes it's difficult Especially if they are either controlled or you can see their decision are being made for them.
Loved when you said..BooM. so on point. Thank you!
I have 2 beautiful children. Love them to pieces.
Co parenting with their father has made me suicidal at this point. The lies, gaslighting. The attacks. The courtcase he drags me into. I can’t take it anymore. I have ptss now. He wants custody now. I know I can’t handle this any longer. What did I do to deserve such treatment. I was only good to him.
I will never understand. I chose the wrong men.. and now my children suffer. He gaslights them too. They’d psychiatrist sees it all. But still.. he can do what he wants. I’m tired y’all
I told my own psychiatrist today I’m tired. I feel trapped.. it’s all so unfair. I feel alone. He can abuse me until they are a adult. I can’t handle that thought. I’m a believer.. I don’t understand why God let it happen
Can I ask what court case(s) he’s “dragged” you to? Meaning: have you been found in contempt? What is your current custody order: joint? Primary physical? NCP?
I’m just curious what the court has found and ordered currently as far as your custody situation. It’s boring for some, but I find the law interesting.
I hope you can heal soon from what you’ve gone through. Best thing is self care and genuinely focusing on what makes YOU happy and peaceful.
Hi Stephanie, our journey has been quite similar in that my ex was having an affair late into our pregnancy. I found out when my daughter was 10weeks old. She is now 18months. I have raised her alone without my family to help (pandemic). My question is around coparenting with the exes new partner. In my case she was the one he had an affair with. It’s very hard to give that a blank slate. I struggle with strong feelings of hatred and pain because she is a woman who knowingly did this. Knowing I was pregnant, knowing I have done all the work alone. But she is in my child’s life.
I already know I have to manage this without my daughter being exposed to it. But how on earth do I find the strength to do it? To let go of all my feelings, forgive, survive, not care...
Same story for me and I got a restraining order against the other woman. I have made it very clear she is not allowed around my children. They both punish me for being a great mom and partner while they were sneaking around my back and working against me while I was pregnant. I did t even know she existed. I will never have respect for that woman and my children will know who she is and what they did when they're older. That is what they deserve. You don't treat people these ways. Don't be sorry for these people and think you owe them any ounce of yourself or your forgiveness. You know this woman would be devastated if she was in your shoes. Stand In your power.
Love your work ❤️
Great tips 👌.
Thank you ❤️👍 17:07
easier said than done.. dealing with a toxic ex is extremely difficult and challenging. he is using our child as a pawn. . courts agreement is just a piece of paper that he doesn't respect..
Thank you, I do not want my child to repeat my path and this is a wonderful reminder to 𝕤𝕙𝕠𝕨 them how to act in a ‘healthy’ self-respectful way towards the other ❤️🩹
I need some help; I have been coparenting with a narcissist for almost 5years. When we went to mediation, we agreed to use the app called App close to communicate. We later down the road decided to not use the app for about 3 years and now he is trying to force me to use it because he got mad, I wouldn't do what he wanted me to do. So, the question is do I have to use the app even though for 3years we have not used it?
This video is not realistic when dealing with a toxic parent. Wishful thinking. Toxic people are usually abusive and will keep abusing unless they seek help, which isn't likely. We're supposed to suck it up and be the bigger person? Sometimes cutting the other parent off is best for the child and yourself. Sometimes cutting the other person off is being the bigger person. I am sorry for anyone feeling guilty into keeping contact with their abuser bc you have children together.
I’ve missed your videos ❤️.
Thank you 🙏🏾 ❤
How to let go of ex who had kids and how to work through those feelings? I got close with ex son and now that things ended it’s been tough for me. :(
My ex had three children before we had our son. It still is hard especially because he uses them all as tools. You will get through it. I recommend talk therapy, Stephanie’s or some type of mother/father wound course, and journaling to work through the emotions. If it was meant to be, it would be. Stay strong❤️
I want to leave my difficult and emotional abusive boyfriend but he won't let me leave with my little boy. And I'm not going to leave without my little boy also. So it's very complicated situation I'm in😔😪
What to do if the other parent tell the kids (toddler) that he want to be best friend with mum (in reality he doesn't) that he wants mum to come to his place and be best friend (he handed a trespass order)?
Thankyou girl
Thank you
Thank you Stephanie your videos are so helpful. I am going to look into your discounts for your classes . If this message reaches you I have a question. My ex and I have a daughter together and she’s 2 and I have a daughter from a previous relationship and she’s 5 . My 5 year old thinks my ex is her real dad, we got together when she was only 2 . My ex treats the kids different in a way that is hurting my 5 year old and I can see that she is getting confused. I know it’s normal for someone to love their biological child differently but for the last year his attitude towards our 5 year has changed. He is always upset with her and makes her feel bad if she’s not wanting to spend time with her sister . They both can’t act like kids when he’s around, in my opinion. We argue all the time about this and it has been awful not knowing what to do to help him see how kind and sweet these kids are and to each other. Of course they argue and fight about stuff but it’s usually when my 5 year old wants to sit down and play with her special stuff and my 2 year old will just go over and mess up her game she’s playing, like 2 year olds do ! He gets so offended and thinks the 2 year old is always being mistreated and I don’t do anything about it , blah blah blah which is so ridiculous . I make sure we treat each other with love and kindness we share our stuff but again they are kids !! And they are learning. Any advice would be very helpful on what to say and how to handle this awful behavior coming from him towards our 5 year old . I want to add that I am so proud at how far these kids have come and how close they are at such a young age is just beautiful and makes me grateful to have good kids . I feel he may really end up hurting the 5 year old and it needs to stop , thank you !!
I know someone that can help you put him back on the right track of life chat him up via WhatsApp
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LOVE THE VIDEO-REALLY NEEDED😍but my question is-CAN IT EVER CHANGE?I MEAN CAN WE EVER HAVE FRIENDLY COOPARENTING?CAN THE PERSON CHANGE-or i understand it will be better with time but can it actually get really healthy and good?or should i just give up on this idea????
It’s one of Steph’s key points: in a struggle with reality, who is going to win? You or reality? Accept the reality of the person’s behaviour & that it’s not what you value. As Steph says, the person would have shown all this during the relationship. Isn’t that partly why it finished?
Good luck; it’s not easy, but it can be growthful.
It is very confronting to co-parent with someone who doesn’t put the children first...I don’t get it, but that’s who they are & have always been...
Id say no. If your ex is a narcissist it would worry me more if they were being nice to my face.
You can't you must try by-parenting
Dealing with a covert narc ex with the power of the Courts & CPS behind her.Excuses all the time why I can't see my kids or text them.I lose everytime! I have to go through the months between court dates etc. just to keep pushing forward to get all this behind me so that I can eventually get my 50/50! Its criminal but I'm strong enough to keep being the "bad guy".fml
Yo how did this end up working out for you?
@@brycewilliams968 Still going through the motions with parenting classes etc! Almost done though with the classes then we'll see what's next after that.🤷 More red tape Im sure!
@@dinomorell5163 sending positive vibes
Going through a divorce with a 17 month old son. Up until now, husband and I have agreed not to bring him to his parent’s house due to the smoking that goes on there. Now, husband is saying it’s fine and he will be going over there. It’s a health risk. What can I do? This is not something I feel I should just “accept” and not control.
For the safety of my children and me I do without them. So my mother and the mother of my children can the children not use any more as a weapon against me. As my supervisor said: The children were true off against me. I refused and broke up contact with my children.
Before I was under Stockholm Syndrom
This is non existent relationship because he hasn't seen our adult sons since he argued with one of our kids.
Hello,how you doing?
I have noticed a tendency to pump one face cheek happening all over. Not to make you super self aware but it's a thing..
14th
Hey there! As someone who's been through the ups and downs of co-parenting, I know how challenging it can be to deal with a difficult ex. That's why I highly recommend checking out this video on co-parenting with a difficult personality. It's packed with helpful tips on common mistakes people make in these situations and how to avoid them. Whether you're dealing with an ex who's always stirring up drama or just plain difficult to work with, this video is a must-watch.
Thank you for the value you add!