Co-Parenting with a Narcissist | Dr. Ramani Durvasula | Co-Parenting & Coffee
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- Опубликовано: 6 дек 2020
- Psychologist, narcissism expert, author, and speaker Dr. Ramani Durvasula discusses tips for co-parenting with a narcissist.
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Thank you for saying that solo parenting is easier than co-parenting with a narcissist. It feels wrong to think it, but it absolutely would be easier.
I pray for the day the courts understand and are able to implement ways to protect kids from the narc parent.
I literally started tearing up when you mentioned how difficult the first few days are with the child, after getting them back from the narcissist. My son has a sweet and pure soul, but for at least two days, after he is with his dad, it is exhausting and horrible...horrible because I see how much pain my son is in without even understanding why he feels that way. He needs extra love and cuddles, but is extremely defiant, calls me stupid, the list goes on. I thought I was imagining it because of how much animosity I have for his dad but in my heart I knew it was true. His nanny also mentioned she noticed a behavioral difference. And even so, I am the one constantly being accused of being a bad parent; it's really a nightmare. It truly would be easier being a single parent. Thank you so much for this video!!!
Co-parenting with a narcissist can be a VERY LONELY PATH. As it was said perfectly by Dr, people don’t get it and don’t want to get it. So to all of you out there, I hear you, I’m with you, you are not alone. You can do it, you have the strength!
I was married to a Narcissist for 58 years and we had 4 children, all of whom I raised as though I were a single parent for the most part. I came to realize that he preferred that I took most of the responsibility for raising the children so that in case anything went wrong, he could then put all the blame on me!! As an only child raised by a narcissistic Mother, I was the perfect target, as a lot of his behavior, especially in the earlier part of the marriage, were quite familiar. However, as the Narcissism progressed as he aged, it became so much worse, that I had the feeling something was not right. I never felt like an equal partner, he never took responsibility for anything and was an expert at twisting things around so that the blame was always on other people, especially on me!! I had never heard of the word Narcissist until about 17 years ago, when a brief article on the subject of BPD and NPD arrived together with his health insurance bill one month while he was overseas. I had to get out the dictionary and look it up, which provided me with a huge revelation. I began to read everything I could get my hands on on the subject and discovered videos like the ones you make, which have been very enlightening!! By then we were already grandparents, so although I did consider leaving him, it seemed more practical to stay, since we are immigrants to this country and I did not want to involve friends in what would have been a very ugly divorce. Because in spite of the contention between us, and there was a lot of that, he never wanted to separate, as that would have ruined the image of the happy family that he had created to show to the outside world!! Plus, knowing how vindictive and spiteful he was, I was afraid of what he would have done if I had left him. The only way would have been to have left the country, which was impossible, as he controlled the finances with an iron hand. Things got progressively worse when he retired and was home 24/7, but by then his health was deteriorating and he died 1 1/2 years ago, which was a huge relief for me. I am so enjoying my peaceful home and if I said I have missed him for even a minute I would be lying!! Thank you for these enlightening videos which bring me much validation, which, strangely enough, I seem to have a great need for!! Once I was onto what was going on, I withdrew from him emotionally, communicating with him only when necessary, and NEVER giving him any information about my family, knowing that it would have either been used against me or to embarrass me at a later date. Had I known earlier what I was dealing with I would have left, before there were the entanglements of insurance policies, grandchildren and the like. So my advice to anyone in this kind of situation is to get out while you can and don’t look back!! Don’t waste your life on a Narcissist. There is no reward and the stress of putting up with their BS can make you sick and can even lead to death.
I've never felt so understood in my entire life. This is incredibly healing just to know I'm not alone thank you
My kids are now all teenagers to early 20s and I’ve recently just blatantly gave it to them straight about there Dad. It was tough for them to hear but they have seen enough bs from him on their own over the years to know he is not a mature/responsible parent. After he physically assaulted me that was the last straw for me. I literally told all my kids I’m most definitely pressing charges against your abusive narcissistic father and I don’t care if you don’t like it!! Sometimes you have to give it to your kids straight after they get a level of maturity to understand consequences. They are sad that their Dad will more than likely go to jail but they now understand that this man does not keep getting passes to be a menace just because he is their father. I honestly have been through so much dealing with my ex trying to co parent, that i can honestly admit that I have came to a point where I don’t even care if my kids hate me for giving him consequences! If they choose to follow that reckless idiot then that’s on them and we just won’t be close. But im moving on and im not giving this man any more passes to keep disrupting our lives!
This is spot on! Single parenting with a elephant on your back is a brilliant metaphor, thank you!
I know we are still in the beginning stages of this psychotic situation, but I am so sick of obliging the narcissist! I'm tired of the need to document. These are my kids and I am protecting them. I refuse to let others into my life. The courts. The schools. I am so done with having to change my life because an abusive man wants to play games! I pray all the time that God will intervene on my behalf. My kids are so keen on the fact that their dad is immature and a liar. I don't have to do anything. We can't say narcissist... passive aggressive, not responsible, lack of communication... set up boundaries and a schedule. They can't cooperate with someone telling them what they will be doing. They want full control of everything. Just make a schedule that doesn't involve you. Don't tell them too much of what you want or prefer because it gives them ammo. Simple. Simple. Simple. and pray because they can't pull their s#$$ with God. This person is a cold pole to you.... nothing more. God is my husband, God is the father of my children. I keep telling myself that he will not get away with anything. I can do my best for me and he can be responsible to God. God help us and bless you for anything you are enduring. This is evil. It isn't impossible. It takes skill. Train. Train. Train.
Only 15 minutes in and already this is possibly the most important video I've watched in my life. Thank you so so so much from the bottom of my patched together heart following the hardest 6 months of my life.
CO-PARENTING WITH A NARC IS THE WORST. I learned to document everything, from texts, visitation drop offs and pick ups, taking pics, audio and video record. It may seem like a lot of work, but keeping that narc in check is priceless. I meet him at the sidewalk with our son in clear view of the neighbors so he can't lie about anything that transpired. He's a toxic mess that hates me because I had the audacity to leave, relocate and move on with my life. The key to co-parenting with a narc is to document, document, document. Once he realized how meticulous I was with it, the accusations, gaslighting, lies lessened. They didn't stop, but lessened.
I am SOOOO glad that a "highly educated professional" has enough common sense to see AND say what I've been saying for years about family law...THE COURTS
So true, I was 9 out of 10 times underminded. Hurts deeply watching my son being mentally and emotional ly abused.
Thank you for sharing! 8 years ago, after gaslighting me for 11 years (now 19 years), my narc told me I was crazy and needed help. So, I got help. After 2 months, my therapist finally convinced me to look up the word gaslighting. I cried for 2 days straight. Shortly afterward, I reconnected with some of the friends I had been isolated from and filed for divorce. He wasn't working, which made him the most available parent, so the GAL was going to recommend he have the kids 6 days a week. During this time, both he and his family tried to destroy me emotionally, socially, and financially. There was no way I was going to escape and leave my kids behind. I stopped the divorce to be with and protect my kids. I got my own checking account, my own job, my own money, and my own activities. Basically, I got my own life with my kids. I refused to have holidays with his family or allow my children much interaction with them, and then none after they told my kids to run away from home.
The courts don’t care. There is a wealth of information in this video. This is one of the first things that became quickly obvious in my observation of the experience of a loved one going through the legal system. Survivors are desperate to believe that someone will hear them and acknowledge their pain at the hands of someone who constantly lies and is always verbally and sometimes physically abusive. Instead, they typically get dismissed and judged. Sadly, the courts don’t care. This has to change and I’m so glad that someone has implemented an initiative to educate court personnel regarding these matters.
i watch this video every few months to keep me sane......imagine having a narcissistic bipolar ex that is a domestic violence court clerk that files something every other month, living hell
I'd like to comment on the yellow-rock "explaining" part of this video. I work with a Parenting Coordinator with my son's father. She has been with us for 8 months. I have learned that yellow-rock and not explaining or communicating the "why's" is frowned upon, establishing personal boundaries and enforcing them is frowned upon, not communicating every detail of what you do and why you do it is frowned upon.
As a therapist, I might add that
Today was my 5 year old son's second visitation with his dad. My son's behavior changes are so different that I burst into tears. I truly am grieving my son because he normally is my sweet, loving, caring boy I raised for 5 years and now he shows anger, sadness, confusion, and fear. Dealing with his father who is not complying with the visitation orders making me drive from place to place to get my son is so cruel. As if that was not enough I got scolded because "I did not provide a Halloween costume" (I don't celebrate Halloween). Unfortunately even though there is a visitation order it cannot be enforced as it is not yet signed by a judge. To all the moms I just want to say, let's stay strong, get our children the help they need and lets get the help we need. I send you a strong hug!! you are not alone. Per court orders we are all being served on a silver platter to these narcissist/abusers. I am truly grateful for Dr. Ramani for posting this video. I immediately started to apply everything suggested and can't wait for the next court hearing sadly scheduled 3 months from today.
I got this down to a fine art during my divorce, to the extent that he now leaves me right alone. There's always pain involved with dealing with a narcissist, but if you do it right, they won't want to mess with you because you have developed strong boundaries and DON'T react so there's no supply to get from you. I don't ask him for anything, not even money. As a friend told me, you are now in effect a single parent with no help, and the sooner you accept that the better off you'll be. I prefer to do it myself anyway it's easier than having to deal with him. My ex now looks nervous when he has to talk to me because I've got the power back.