How To Help Parents with Empty Nest Syndrome
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- Опубликовано: 19 апр 2022
- How To Help Parents with Empty Nest Syndrome #AskATherapist //
Are your parents struggling with kids leaving the house and feeling sad or lonely? How do you help your parents deal with empty nest syndrome? Watch this video for some insights on helping your parents find their purpose now that you're out of the house.
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A mom here. Im going through this big time. I am really careful not to burden my kids with my grief but they know. Its written all over my face. I literally feel empty and lost without my kids and I know that's not fair to them. The best part of my life is over and I am struggling with that more than I can say. BTW I never expected to feel this way. It has hit me like a ton of bricks. It doesn't help that at this time most of us moms are going through menopause and suffering from mood swings.
Same girl same single mother to one grown son who’s almost 22. Who are we even?
True.
My mother used to say, "I never prepared for this..." But it never dawns on you how you shall feel, when the moment actually arrives. You can never expect to be prepared for, nor blame yourself for not having foreseen that the time would come for you to live in an empty nest.
While it is sensible of you not to wish to burden your kids with your grIef, don't belittle the reality of how you feel and hide it altogether from them; they ought to know, so they can also feel engaged in your new reality, and be proactive in supporting you.
If you have a good rapport with your husband/partner: Try "supporting" each other by doing things that are commonly meaningful to both, outside the work hours. Things like, going out on walks, visiting museums, short weekend trips... things of that sort.
If you don't have a good rapport with your significant other, or happen to be a single mom:
Try to rebuild your social network from old, existing friends, where possible; for single people, having a small crew of reliable friends with whom to spend time and share meaningful moments, could help you navigate the troubled waters of an empty nest during menopause.
Constantly sitting through your evening hours in front a TV, would make you too apt to brood...
My youngest son moved out today, I am devastated
You have a very small window of temporary freedom before grandkids. Helping out with grandkids, tired parents, etc. that's next. Enjoy your temp free time girls
Me too! So terribly sad, 40 years of my life. My children and taking care if my grands now they are teens. I'm so terribly sad
I'm the parent in this sitch. My daughter isn't even leaving. She's graduating from high school and going to a local college and staying at home, and I'm still a MESSSSS! She's my only, and while I'm married now, it was just her and me for a lot of years, and I'm not coping well. Like I'm about to burst into tears typing this.
My narc mother was so absent and abusive towrd me and my dad enabled it. I'm now an adult and she can't let go of me and wants to see me all the time. I've set boundaries.
My brother will be leaving for college in a few months, and while my mother is happy that he's moving forward with his studies, she's also bittersweet in that her youngest has officially grown up. However, she's thinking about joining some local groups, and keeping herself busy.
I'm the big sister who took over the family responsibilities when our single mother passed away. I think empty nesting is slowly creeping up with my sibling's probability of leaving and getting married. For a time, I didn't even know what to call this feeling. It's empty nesting.
Have you considered doing a video on this in regards to kids raising their siblings? I was like a step in parent for my 4 younger siblings and after moving out and detaching from anyone to take care of I went through a big depressive boutique figuring out what to do with my life
Bruh *same,* it came to the point where I blatantly told my parents to their faces to stop having anymore children.
@@teentraveler1790 it can really come to that point. I think if I hadn't been so equally focused on extended schooling I may have never gotten out of the rut. Good on you for placing a boundary with your parents!
@@marysenum5621 just in case they don't do a video on that - it's called parentification and there's a few good videos about that on Yt
It’s isn’t just about the role I’ve had taking a different shape. It’s about the passage of time. It’s the closing of a chapter of my life and I’m frighted by it. It’s missing my daughter being young and the life we had. It’s not about boundaries for me, it’s about missing seeing my daughter everyday. It’s about getting hit with menopause, the death of my own parents, it’s not about having a life because my daughter didn’t prevent me from having one. I think this video is poking fun at what the pain is actually like.
I’m a parent going through this right now, and I’m really struggling. As hard as it is to face the end of this season, I’m profoundly thankful for the boundaries my kids set because they help me understand this transition from their point of view. I hope they keep communicating, and I am committed to listening to them and adapting. It’s hard on them, too, to see us hurting and struggling. Uhg this is so hard!
I am a 58 year old widow & my mom is 81 and has stage 4 cancer & I LOVE THAT SHE CARES about me! And calls me to make sure I am ok and am warm etc. lol. Y'all insane if you think thats annoying?? I love it. After she is gone, NO ONE will care... I will miss her terribly! My daughter JUST LEFT this morning to go back to the city she is getting her degree. I will miss her, and I will always be here for her, no matter what. While I am alive! But I dont smother her. I just care. Moms don't have to stop being our moms. My mom is bat shit crazy but she does CARE and she does not overstep either. She is a good mom. For many of us, no one will ever care about us like our moms do. Lots of single parents out there and be grateful if you still have a parent around who give a toss about you.
My partner's mother is a lot like this. I think, especially since she's divorced, her being a mom to three kids is the core of how she sees herself. It's not as bad as it used to be, but she'll still regularly text us about what the weather is like in our area and how we need to make sure to stay bundled because it's cold, or don't drive anywhere because it's icy, or how we should make sure to go outside and enjoy the sun because it's nice out or drink plenty of water because it's hot. She would do this even when she was living in a different state from us. He and I have been living together for four years. My partner has also said that his mom "feels threatened" by me, like I'm stealing him away from her, and I've seen her try to do these weird little power plays where she tries to assert herself as the most important woman in his life, or at least one who shares a "different, but equal" status with me. I realize we're not actually married yet, but considering we've been together for five years at this point, comments like that are out of touch and a little disrespectful. My partner, for his part, doesn't talk to his mom super often because he's trying to have some boundaries, and when she doesn't hear from him right away, even if she asked him a really mundane question that doesn't require an urgent response, she'll freak out if she doesn't hear from him right away. She's like this with her other (grown) children too, being really nosey about their dating lives and other personal topics. In fact when my partner and I were first dating, she'd actually call him while we were out. Not about anything important, but just to ask how he was, what he was up to, and when he'd be back (he was an adult but still living with her), etc. She knew he was on a date. At first my partner would answer and try to quickly resolve whatever it was, but after this happened a few times he just started ignoring her calls. This made her really upset, but eventually she did stop. This whole thing just confuses me because my parents left me the heck alone when I moved out.
What about when the child is the one supporting the parent? A single mom, for example.. and the child is all grown up, pays all of the bills, and takes care of mom! And she cannot let go.. When encouraged to find a new partner or friends or family or hobby... the answer is always "no, i am your mom"...
What to do!? T_T Asking for a friend...
Move out to a different apartment?
@@raquelmarcalsantos except… my umm friend.. pays the bills for everything. Mom doesn’t work and was left in need after her spouse passed. So mom wouldn’t be able to take care of herself.
(Roles are reversed)
@@hikariz6830 yeah… I meant like, get out but continue to support her financially? If possible, of course. If not, I really don’t know :/
You are NOT responsible for your parents life. You are SUPPOSED to be the child and they the PARENT. If the roles are reversed thats not ok and overstepping boundaries.
Idk how the support system is like in your country but perhaps your mother would be better taken care of by professionals.
This is where I've been for years now. And I tried to get a new life. 😢 twice over I actually lost my mate that I loved desperately to the hereafter. One to health issues and addictions and the other to covid. I threw caution to the wind and tried just one last time but without the delusion that he would ever give me all of his attention. I could handle that I've never had any marriage where the man truly gave me the attention and connection. Now he has run off out of state, likely has a new woman. I have been considering college and new career paths. I still just feel lost though. Thanks for sharing because this is exactly what I am going through.
I going through this now as my teenagers graduate from highschool and their mom let their Bf and Gf move in at her house. I can tell you its real. I miss them terribly. Its heart breaking
I've reached the realization that life is pretty much over when the kids are grown and move out. Sure we have time left...but it feels so meaningless once you've experienced life with your kids. Life isn't the same anymore. I"m 44 and already feel like there's really nothing to look forward to now. Hobbies? Empty. Solomon was right.
I think my dad has some empty nest syndrome. He and my stepmom still have her youngest daughter living with them and she's an adult now. And even though my dad tries to pretend that he's totally excited that his kids are all grown up and have our own lives, it seems like he also desperately wants to stay involved. I had to set a boundary for us to talk once a month because he wanted to call every week but I'm much more independent now (and he doesn't agree with some of my life choices and would try to parent me when I didn't ask for his advice). I absolutely love him though 😊
Once a month sheesh at least twice a week
I have two older brothers. Both of them are out of the house, and I am the only one who is living with my mom. My mom is the clingy type, looking for connection very hard with my brothers. One is married one is not. The one who is not married, come to visit when he needs to pick up mail and doing laundry. Usually he comes once in a month. The married brother with kids, we see them more often, about once in two or three weeks. My mom demands them to talk with her and both talk to her when it suits them. And she is highly offended when her need to talk is not answered in the same moment. My dad, he couldn't care less if we are not home, where we are and what we are doing. When my brothers left the house he called this a happy day. He never calls anyone. And we as brothers, when we don't meet we talk twice a year in the birthdays normally, or when there are special happy/sad events.
Fun tip : get them a pet !
When I left home, my dad struggled hard with empty nest syndrom and was becoming insufferable : calling several times a day just to check, questionning all my decisions just to keep control, etc. - until he adopted a baby border collie.
Then, he shifted all that energy into raising the puppy.
It's funny, because he has the same parenting problems with the dog as he had with me - but that's a whole other topic lol
I never had that problem. I was excited to finally have my house to myself.
This is a valuable perspective. It would be good for people who are moving out on their own and for people who are letting go of their adult children. Thank you.
3 mins in and I just can't deal with this vid any further. The lack of empathy and actually making fun of parents that are cut up about losing their kids is kinda gross. My first child moved away recently and it's been hell. And it's more than just my role and sense of purpose. I miss them. I think you and probably your wife even more, are going to be shocked how much you miss them, especially if they move away vs moving 10 mins down the road. Obviously I get this is all part of life, our role is to make them into good adults blah blah. But your minimisation is sad.
Agreed. The mean, mocking intro and the smugness kill the message
I think you completely missed the message. He joked about that, but if you watched further, you would see he had a deeper perspective.
I don't think people should give advice if they have not experienced empty nest syndrome. It's like a person who has never sky dived to tell another it's fun and no big deal. I found this video intro rude. I hope he does a follow up once kids leave the house.
Thank you. As a parent I found your video useful.
What do you do if the parent you are trying to encourage to find some hobbies or friends or anything for that matter, says my kids are my hobby? All I ever wanted to be was a mom, my kids are my hobby. Her kids are almost 40 and she will not accept the fact the her kids are almost old enough to be grandparents. How do help them get a hobby before deciding for your own sanity that it is healthier just to not speak to them anymore?
Exactly this? How do you find them a hobby or someone else when they don’t WANT it?
Still adjusting last child got married last year.
I was dumped by someone going through empty nest syndrome. Im becoming an empty nester next year. I told my daughter the countdown is on. Tick tock! Tick tock!
How do you become dumped by empty nest syndrome? Please do not take offense. I only ask because I didn't understand.
@tabaxikhajit4541 she took it hard when her daughter didn't need her that much. She would come to my place crying and asking me what do you do when your children no longer need you? I told her to carve out a life for herself
@tabaxikhajit4541 also she pushed me away because my daughter came to live with me because her mom passed away from Covid back in July 2021
Topic for next video: any advice how to install communication when it's a minefield of anything even remotely criticising or just "feedback" turns into a one sided "blame game"? As in: I can't say anything without triggering the "So then it's my fault?" train. Literally saying "it's not about blame" doesn't stop the train.
I have feedback from other ppl that I'm the most agreeable, constructive and gentle criticism/feedback person they've ever met. The one who's calm and patient to a surprising degree and very good at explaining stuff and relating to ppl. I get told that rather often.
So it drives me nuts to be constantly failing basic communication with my parent. There's a hyper-fixation on "spot the blame" instead of "attend to the issue".
I'm looking for helpful advice in the hope there's something I have yet to try :'3 Cause we're stuck with each other yet for another while.
Lol i have empty nest syndrome n my daughters still at home 😅 shes a british teenager, shes always in her room or out with her friends. Thankfully though she finds my 'lonely mumma syndrome' cute and amusing. Might not be that way once shes legally an adult at 18.
Brits are awesome!😊
My mum and dad were more like you...they were like 'bye!! I love you but...byyyee!'..I was the last one to leave but they have a very full life.....dad loves her company and mum also enjoys...her own company. Lol no but they do have a lot going on. It's more myself and my 3 sisters who are like 'mum! Where you at boo? Dont ignore me! Love me!' But no I LOVE the peer relationship with my parents. I'm still like 'huh. Wonder what dad would think of that. Dad would find that funny. Ooohh mum wouldn't like that. Must send mum that link on discount paints...we have our painting class in Tuesday...' But yeh they were good with us leaving cause we love eachother immensely...we just don't enjoy coexisting in the same...area.
So, could I get tools for surviving the weeks my kiddo isn't here, since I'm the every other weekend mom, because I lost in court to my ex who made himself look so good and promised a lot and now he's as dismissive and selfabsorbed as he was in the relationship and doesn't take our kid's ADHD seriously - or anything else either - and took back basicly everything he had promised, because the judge hadn't put it on the paper like so, but more like 'he can take care that these needs are met and he's capable to support this'..
I feel so powerless and broken.. I can't even help my own kid. I didn't get the weekdays to see him. I've tried to accept this shit for 2 years and it just keeps hurting.. What kind on mom am I if I can't even be a mom to my own child?? If I'm being isolated away from him with petty excuses and no one can do anything and the only advice I get from social workers is to go back to court. I don't have money for that.
I'm so tired of this..
So please, tell me, how to cope?
I think I agree yet also disagree in terms of stay connected. I happen to think that parenting is a choice, I don't think that it's fair to necessarily guilt Trip any kid. The parents chose and signed up for that role. I'm not a parent myself at the moment but I also think you're guilt tripping the kid that they supposedly sacrifice the best years of their life. That was on them not the kid. Sorry but that's how I feel. I happen to think when the kid is appreciative but the parent doesn't know how to cope with their own Dynamics let alone empty nest syndrome that's on them. Well, whenever they have a business turned passion and they pretty much aren't helping themselves. No vehicle no life or friends. I can honestly say for myself it's pretty damn hard to support a parent and much of anything.
❤️
I'm the parent in this case, and would love a follow-up video for Parents who are coping with ENS- over and over and over again.
In my case, I've been dealing with the depression of ENS since my son was a Junior in High School. I wanted him to go to college and live his life, but the thought of him leaving always made me sad.
I realized how bad it was one day at 6:30 in the morning- shortly after my son had gotten his license he started driving himself to school. He was in the kitchen, getting ready for the day and I wanted to get up and see him off, but my husband wouldn't get out of bed and I got mad at my husband for the stupid reason that he didn't want to see off my son as badly as I did... on a random school day. We talked and that's when I realized how badly I was being affected- even though we still had over a year (for the record, this happened shortly before COVID locked everything down.)
As graduation grew closer and closer, I became more and more of a wreck: I cried almost every day for the graduation celebrations, during graduation, and for about a week thereafter- and he wasn't moving for a few months! I think I had cried most of the tears in May, because when he moved in August I only cried a few times.
Your tips here are things that I have taken into consideration with weekly calls, going on more trips, etc. but my son did come back for the summer, and in two days he is going back to his 2nd year of college, and I find myself actually withdrawing more to avoid any messy emotions whenever it gets brought up. I took a few hours off on Monday to help see him off, but in reality I think it's mostly to help me cope after he's gone and "clean up" a bit before I go into work.
❤I hope you're okay. I am going through just about everything you described. My son leaves in a week and a half and I'm losing it. Cannot stop crying and, for me it started with anxiety during his senior year. I could see this would be a problem for me. Leading up to graduation it got worse. He's been here this summer but is about ready to embark on his next chapter and I am not handling it well. I fall asleep crying and wake up in the middle of the night and cry some more. I hope you moved on to a better space somehow.
Hello! I am definitely in a better place now thank you for your kind words and sharing your story. It does get easier, over time. Since this is a year later, he's going into his 3rd year now, and he spent the better part of this past summer in a different timezone working on a research project. Sometimes there are moments of melancholy, or unnecessary anxiety if I don't get a text back sooner than what -I- would have thought appropriate. But, seeing him build his own sphere of influence is a marvel that I'm glad to be able to witness.
I'm not sure what your relationship with your kiddo is like, but definitely let them know how you feel- you're sad they're moving onto this next chapter without you, but you're proud of them. If you can, set up some sort of family group text so that you guys can share things with each other when convenient, not just during the weekly calls or whatever (group text, Discord, WhatsApp- whatever works best for the family.)
And, of course this goes without saying (especially on this channel!), but if the depression is completely throwing a wrench in your life, including being able to fully get a good night's sleep, talk to a therapist. Some workforces have assistance programs where you can get a couple of sessions for no charge, and maybe that'll be enough to help!
Just wait.
I'd love a Therapist Reacts to Shang-Chi and the Legend of The Ten Rings.
Can you please do a video for Taylor swift all too well (10 min version) short film about dating older guys and young girls
can you react to Anne with an E
I’m not even a minute in and I can already tell that you’re mocking people who are going through this and You’ve never been through it yourself so I’m not watching this video
😂
😭😭😭😂
Hey, keep being a voice. You will enjoy this channel 👉 #drjohnaking. I find him informative, yet down to earth.