As someone who's dad had an affair, it's been a decade and although the pain has lessened it's still there. We still talk but I still resent him and that hate hasn't gone away. I can't count the amount of times I've cried, thinking whether I or my mom wasn't enough for him, that weren't good enough and that's why he cheated. It sucks because all I wanted was a father and a normal family. Since my parents aren't divorced because in my culture women just bear with it and it is seen as shameful to be divorced, they fight all the time. There's a type of animosity that doesn't go away and mom resents him. I don't think I'll ever forgive or love him after what he's done. So, if you're thinking of cheating, don't do it.
I agree with you. There's no divorce in the Philippines and when grandpa cheated on my grandmother, my mom and her siblings never forgave him. My grandma died early and before she passed, her last words were: you better pray you die before me because I swear to you that your children will never look after you. Well later on, my mom and her siblings left the ancestral home and they sent money out of obligation but they rarely visit him. He lived alone in a big house and later on ended up shooting himself. They only discovered him days later. It's sad really. My mom will not even let herself cry in public for him. I saw her cry in private and she told me that she hates that she still loves him even after what he did to their family. I thought it was tremendously sad that both father and child cannot move past the hurt to show their love for each other.
I empathize with you...my father is also cheating on my mother and it has shattered my family and caused us all so many problems of our own and to make things worse my father feels no need to apologize...he only justifies his immoral behavior and my mother stays with him because he has ruined her self respect and self confidence! It's a terrible situation to live through day in and day out!!
Oh God I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel you, my dad is still illegally married to that whore (yes she befriended my mom for years, before she ruins our family, took his money, and left us with nothing). My mom asked for divorce multiple times but he kept turning her request down because he couldn't run his "family" business alone, he couldn't do anything, he just do presentation to the investors. And my mom would handle everything with the other managers. He couldn't even make an instant noodle by himself! Idc if you want to call me an ungrateful child because he sold our house (bought by my mother), cars, and I can barely pay my next semester tuition. This led me to over a decade long depression, multiple suicide attemps. You couldn't worded it any better! All I crave is a normal family. I envy my friends' parents who stay faithful to the day their wife/husband dies. I'd rather have a single mother and live in countryside rather than feeling want to kill myself 24/7. The worst part of it is that my mother adopted me, my "dad" agreed but at the end of the day I am still not wanted enough to be loved. I have never been. He didn't even care to f*ck the whire when my mom is on chemo. He has the audacity to tell me to get along with their child! Thank you for sharing your experience. This might sounds weird but I'm glad I found people with similar experience so I know I am not alone, even though we don't know each other. If any future-dad or soon-to-be-a-dad sees this comment, please. I beg you. Don't cheat on your wife. If you don't love, want her anymore. Please divorce her. Let her live her life. Life is short. Don't hurt people who love you unconditionally. Don't take them for granted. Be grateful. You might have the temptation to seek a new, young woman other than your wife but physical beauty fades. People get old. Not only it is hurting the wife but you don't know how horrible it affects the children. You might think it will healed with time but guess what? No. It doesn't. It can worse over time. Please be faithful. It is not that hard. Remember all the time you have gon through together to the point where you made a promise at the altar (or anything if you come from other religion!), welcomed your child/ren, and how about growing old together? Wouldn't it be fun to recall all your memories together while thanking how you both stay to each other? Sorry for the long comment or the broken english.
my dad is cheating on my mom and I don’t know what to do, I want to talk to people who go or have been through similar stuff, i was wondering if you could share your experience? 😊
The sad thing is that the person who cheats does not think that what they are doing or have done has affected their family or children. They really don't care about anyone else but themselves.
Why bother? When he can get the best of both worlds. Have his cake and eat it. Have his sexual partner be available whenever he wants, and come home like nothing is going on and sleep with his wife too.
My father really doesn't think his affair had any affect on his family. He says the affair he had shouldn't even be a issue . It did but cheaters never will accept the blame.
My dad had a 10 year long affair that he hid from all of us. It all came out after I went to college and they ended up getting a divorce. I was absolutely devastated, even as an adult child. My Dad was my hero growing up and my view of him was completely ruined. He was never sorry for what he did, he completely justified it. He then went on to marry the other woman about 8 months after the divorce. My brother and I were expected to both be in the wedding with smiles on our faces. My brother even had to give a Best Man’s speech. It’s been 15 years since then and my Dad and my’s relationship will never be the same. I’ve lost all trust and respect for him. It’s heartbreaking. If you’re being tempted to have an affair, JUST SAY NO!
My biological father was cheating on my mother, with the woman he is now married to. As I found out he is now a therapist- including couple therapy my first reaction was laughing, my second: "Should I warn his clients?" I never could imagine he could be a good therapist.
Damn!! What a weird situation. However, when a cheater wifes up the other woman, it speaks volume about the level of emotional discomfort he used to feel in the initial relationship. Just saying it. Not trying to justify your father's actions but maybe, your father felt completely out of place with your mother and would cheat in order to retrieve the supposed comfort. And now, as a couple therapist, I think he commissioned himself to help other and maybe younger men avoid relationships where the supposed deep and passionate connection has yet to be encountered.
@@Walls2008 or he's trying to help prevent people from making the same mistake he did, maybe he feels terrible for it, it's not like all cheaters are just monsters, and nothing but monsters, not trying to justify it but it seems like something a person would do if they feel really sick about their past mistakes so dont make judgements like that without considering the actual intention
@@corymorrow5329 Exactly! He has first hand experience with it and maybe does want to try and help others considering cheating. Often (not always) therapists have experienced things that are in scope with who they now work with in therapy.
You won’t believe how many Narcissists become therapists. Just because they have a license doesn’t mean they are good at it, this is why I’m telling my friends check their credentials because here in Canada you don’t need Masters in Psychology to become a therapist. So it’s kind of sucks that people are fooled by those con artists even in a therapy settings.
My father had a double life and I am the product of his unofficial one. He was married but still carried on an affair with my mother for 30 years. I was not an accident and was planned by both my parents. Yet, my father still chose his official family over me and I was the one who had to deal with it since he passed before telling them. To this day, both of my parents' but especially my father's behaviours have a pretty negative effect on. Please parents, stop being freaking selfish. Your child should never feel unwanted and should never have to pay for your mistakes and bad choices.
As a young adult from an asian family who found out that his father cheated on his mother. I can only say that my relationship with my father has broke beyond repairs as I can't never trust him for every word he says and for every action he'll do. He lost my respect, my trust, my love and my empathy. Leaving only hatred, resentment, disappointment and utter disgust. He said he'll try to prove his worth to our family. He will try to gain our trust back. But honestly, no matter how hard he tried, I will never forgive him for what he did. Some of you might say that I'm petty.. but for everything we've been through... the reason he begin cheating is just unforgivable... there are not enough word to express my feelings for him. Edit: as a matter of fact, he didn't even apologize to us. It is just his justification after justification.
This is exactly what is happening to me. I hate living with him and seeing his face everyday. He never apologized and only gave explanations that made no sense. My sister and relatives are trying to understand HIM and think that as I am 16 I don't understand how this world works. But I'm the only one who has experienced this. I try to look at it through a third person's opinion and it's not working
Affairs affect the children even when they don’t know about it. The tension in our home made our son so angry and he wouldn’t know why. We never told him about the affair, but we did tell him when we started going to counseling. The great thing is, as we started mending our relationship and our marriage the tension left and everyone started feeling happier. My husband and I worked hard in the past few months and we’re a much happier couple and stronger family.
I'm struggling in my marriage about a lot of things. My husband hasn't physically been with someone else but I think we have different definitions of cheating. He is talking to a woman on line who a year ago tried to convince him that it would be ok to be verbally (over chat text) be sexual with her and that I didn't need to know. He told her he was uncomfortable with that and told me all about it but kept talking to her and a year later instead of making plans for our 15 year wedding anniversary, he was chatting with this woman again and even after I bluntly said I'm uncomfortable with it he basically blew me off about it. Their is a lot more going on in our marriage. He's depressed and blaming his unhappiness with what he has accomplished in life on being married to me instead of working on his depression. He has verbally abused me for the last year, and hasn't even apologized for any of the shit he has said to me. "Your hobbies are stupid, your issues have never been sexy, I want to stay with the kids and your a package deal, you are the salt in my wounds." So basically I'm at the "you can fuck right off" point even though I know all of this is his untreated depression talking and not him.
@@cssruth this is going to sound harsh, but that is him speaking. Depression affects everyone differently but that doesn’t mean he isn’t responsible for his actions and for not getting help and instead taking it out on you. I get it. I explained my ex’s behavior away as him being a hurt person who took it out on me. But being hurt yourself is not an excuse to hurt others. He doesn’t value you as a person. It took me 8 years to learn that lesson and leaving was the only way to save myself.
My mom is still cheating she said she’s not gonaa do it again but she still chatting and calling the man, she keep lying it’s just a work but i am not dumb i can tell she is lying Im the eldest daughter im just 15 every time she’s lying im hurting i wanna cry but i need to be strong i feel everything is not going to be okay
I’m 21 years old and my mom left us to live across the country in August. She lied and told us she was leaving for her mental health and for a job, and when I asked whether she was leaving for another guy on our last one on one dinner, she denied it. We found out later that she had lied to all of us. She was my best friend for 21 years and she lied to my face. I NEVER want to see her again. I don’t wish her any harm, but I never want a relationship with her again. Don’t have kids and screw them over like this later, no matter how old they are.
Good choice 👍🏻 She didn’t have or need to lie, if she wasn’t happy she could’ve asked for a divorce and then pursued her relationship with someone else. Divorce is painful but that type of cheating behaviour and lying so much worse.
My mother cheated on my dad when I was around 4, and around that age (VERY young) I figured out what sex was and I would see their messages together and sometimes cry at night, I figured me and my father weren't special to her, but then she had my two other siblings and I figured that they were done right? No, oh, and another thing, they weren't doing the cheating like taking her out at restaurants, or hanging out at the park, no, they were doing the kind of cheating like pulling up at a parking spot and literally have sex in the car, they continued seeing each other and I just didn't have the courage to confront her about it, now all I'm doing is waiting it out until I'm old enough and finish my studies so I can move out and leave that infidelity behind.
SO TRUE! My son resents his father and talks about it more and more as he grows up. Im raising my son with high moral authority and my son is the complete opposite of his father. He is empathetic, honest, trustworthy, kind and has morals. My son will be the best husband and the best father when he grows up!! I am teaching him better bc when you KNOW better you DO better. ❤
im 15. just found out like an hour and a half ago that my dad has been flirting with another woman. to make it even worse. he has been fatshaming my mom aswell. i have no idea what to do. and im furious
This exact same thing has happened to me . Just that i found out a few days ago and the fatshaming part didnt happen i am also 15.. it seems that things havent escalatef much... yet... hope your doing ok
"do not demand that they forgive and let it go." man. this can be really hard in Asian families where you are supposed to give utmost respect to your parents. However this has been warped to such an ideal, where a child of ultimate filial piety respects his parents so much, that he will not need an apology to forgive - and hence by extension, that parents are not required to apologize. Yet, parents constantly demand apologies from their children. They are taught to "say sorry!" robotically without knowing what a good apology looks like and how that would work to repair and restore relationships. *sigh*
This is my family but it's of no use for my cheating father because he's a narcisst and doesn't care how his only daughter feels about him. This video is spot on though. It's all I feel as a child of a cheating parent.
My mom was a home recker. She fully admitted to likeing when married men fight over her. My siblings and I were shunned by the people of our home town because of her actions. "I don't want my kids playing with HER kids..." "oh you're HER kids aren't you?" "you're not welcome here, you're related to that tramp." I use to think I was really stupid or a bad student because I was never accepted in extra circular activity's in school, but the truth was I was being neglected by my teachers because my mom ruined the lives of my teachers fiends and family members. our lives were ruined before we were even old enough to have one. Please don't cheat. you're family WILL suffer the consequences of your actions, even if they are innocent 10 year olds, people will shun and neglect them.
My mother was like this also. I had an issue making friends cause she once had a thing with one of her friends husbands and she was banished from the group and my social life was cut.
My parents divorced due to my dad having an affair with my stepmom. 3 decades have passed since the divorce, but the affects linger. Mixed emotions toward my dad (love because of the times he's been there for me, but also anger because he betrayed my mom), never had any desire for marriage or romance in general...come to think of it, I don't even believe in marriage.
Thank you for this, truly My mom cheated on my dad when I was 10 years old and having to witness this fallout firsthand was one of the worst things I've ever had to experience in my life It's affected me to the point where I had trust issues for a time and I had fears of it while I'm in my relationship because of that traumatic event It's hard for me to ever forgive my mom or the man she cheated on my dad with, but then again, my dad wasn't always the best guy to begin with due to his anger issues Sorry that this is such a downer, but you making this video really brought to mind a lot of those memories and gave me some things to consider
I have the exact same issue. My mother, was caught cheating two days ago by my father. He also had anger issues, was short-tempered and would go violent when he's mad at times. Right now, I'm currently in huge shock trying to process, but honestly, I don't want to talk to my mother anymore. hoping we heal together one day :
My mother cheated on my dad when I was around 4, and around that age (VERY young) I figured out what sex was and I would see their messages together and sometimes cry at night, I figured me and my father weren't special to her, but then she had my two other siblings and I figured that they were done right? No, oh, and another thing, they weren't doing the cheating like taking her out at restaurants, or hanging out at the park, no, they were doing the kind of cheating like pulling up at a parking spot and literally have sex in the car, they continued seeing each other and I just didn't have the courage to confront her about it, now all I'm doing is waiting it out until I'm old enough and finish my studies so I can move out and leave that infidelity behind.
I walked in on my mother in bed with my dads best friend, but being only 8/9 at the time I naively believed her when she replied to my question of “who is that in bed with you?” after pulling the covers up quickly, with “ it’s your dad”. I can still remember to this day ,nearly 50 yrs later, the shock I felt when dad came home just like normal after work, I asked my father “what are you doing coming home now, you were in bed with mom this morning when I came home from school” 😵💫 At that time not knowing how this might stick in my memory. This has definitely put me at a disadvantage in forming lasting relationships, as the trust issues of thinking if my mother can cheat on my father, then my girl can cheat on me. It’s been so difficult, and never even been addressed until now. This is going to be a tough journey.
As a kid whose father cheated... I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for what he did no matter what words he used to apologize... What he did was wrong, and I can't trust him no more, and can't love him the same anymore, and yet can't hate him cause he pays all the bills, you know... I'm too indebted to him to be able to hate him, yet I can't seem to love him after what he did.
Hate is what you have when you still love someone who has betrayed you. Apathy is worse. Your apathy is the price of what he did, and it's the highest cost there is to cheating when there's kids involved.
My mother cheated on my dad two years ago with someone from her work, and it tore our family apart. It took months for me to gain any trust in her. I still have a lot of trust issues and I don't know if I will ever fully trust her. Thank you for your insight.
I can really relate to this my mom’s cheating on someone currently and she acts like I don’t know it. It really hard on me for being young because I feel like I can’t talk to either of my parents because my dads also cheating currently to it ripped my heart into shreds
Yes. I found out today that my mom is cheating on my dad. I hate her now. She totally ruined my trust and everything. Her mistake. She'll never get my trust again or at least not soon enough. Yea I still love her but not as I used to. I started to think: Maby she was lonely... Maby I should do something about her lonelyness... But no. She didn't even regret it that much and she blames me for telling dad. I don't wanna see her anymore >:(
A guy I knew made himself a list what would happen and who would be hurt if he cheated. He looked at it regularly. I really like the idea because it is so, so much you will loose, especially when you have kids! I would be interested in the perspective of the child (grown up or not) if the harm is already done.
I guess it varies in different families. My mom never forgave her dad. He ended up shooting himself after being left alone in their big house. It's been almost 6 decades, my mom and her siblings still has no relationship with their step mother and siblings.
Part of my childhood CPTSD is that every adult made me privy to the affairs going on in the family(basically NONE of the adults were faithful and most felt the need to tell me about it) and nutshell result: it's nearly impossible for me to have any kind of trust/faith/security in relationships and I avoid dating because infidelity and heartbreak seem inevitable and I'd rather not put myself through that.
Same. I now give up on the idea of dating, marriage because of my own dad's infidelity. It scars me to this day, getting worse over time. So I'd rather living alone than being in love for couple of months, years and then getting lied on again.
I, too was privy to tons of info tht should b for adults only. Between wt I've seen and experienced, I don't think I can even Pretend to Trust and place myself in a relationship.
I was talking to an elderly woman lately about the red flags I've seen because I'm pretty sure that my husband is cheating. She started talking about how her dad was always cheating on her mom. 70 years old and you could still see the pain on her face and the anger in her voice when she was talking about her dad. It's sad that my kids will face the same.
My ex left me for another woman. He tried to cover it up by telling the kids that the reason for the divorce was our mutual problems and that we both wanted it. I just wanted out because of all the hurt. They did find out about her soon after though. Eventually, I had to sit my kids down and tell them that what their dad did was wrong because I felt like they needed to know how much it hurt a marriage partner to do that. They accepted that but they never turned against him. They love him. I try my best not to say any bad things about him. The other woman broke up with him a few years later and now he's with a much better woman. It's been five years and I'm only now in a relationship. Sometimes, I think it's unfair that he got someone right for him straight away and I had so much healing to do to get to where I am now. But then, I'm so grateful for my personal growth and how strong I've become. I also have an amazing bond with my now adult kids. I just want them to be happy and I'm glad they have a good relationship with their dad. I sincerely hope that it hasn't affected them psychologically. They say it hasn't. But you just don't know.
You brought me back to a sad moment in my life. The moment my father tells my mom, and me because I was the only son home at the moment, that he was cheating on her. He got another women into pregnant, and that women broke a family, because she didn't want to drop down the pregnancy. And so in age 17.6 my parents divorced, we had a beautiful villa, got sold, the house was destroyed. Never felt real connection to this so called family anyway, but now everything was ruined. And when I was 18, my sister was born. 18 years difference, do you get it? And I am the small child of the original 3 brothers. The mid brother is 8.6 years older than me, and the big one is a decade older than me. We always disowned the new women, and for a time we all disowned our father too. Because he justified himself, gave excuses, blamed my mother, who was in such sorrow, she even once tried to kill herself. My two brothers disowned the sister, I didn't. But I don't see her very often, only when my father, sometimes brings her to family gatherings. But on daily life there is no connection, not that I don't care or don't love, it's just too big of a gap to fill in. I just wanted to share
i like what you said about not disowning your sister, i get disowning your dad and his new woman, never been in this situation but i think it's good not to blame the person who did nothing wrong, so good on you for seeing that
It is comforting in a way to read all these comments. I feel less alone in the struggle I have had since age 14. My parents were both unfaithful. My mom left my dad for the man she was cheating with, and moved in with him a few months later. I'm 42 now and it still hurts sometimes.
My mother cheated on my dad when I was around 4, and around that age (VERY young) I figured out what sex was and I would see their messages together and sometimes cry at night, I figured me and my father weren't special to her, but then she had my two other siblings and I figured that they were done right? No, oh, and another thing, they weren't doing the cheating like taking her out at restaurants, or hanging out at the park, no, they were doing the kind of cheating like pulling up at a parking spot and literally have sex in the car, they continued seeing each other and I just didn't have the courage to confront her about it, now all I'm doing is waiting it out until I'm old enough and finish my studies so I can move out and leave that infidelity behind.
Yep. This happened with my Mom and Dad after 30 years of marriage. My Dad never said anything bad about my Mom cheating, but it still has an affect on all of us kids after years. Right now we all have good relationships, but it did come after apologies and years of different behavior. I echo what some other people are saying, maybe do a video for kids on how to respond to it. Going to therapy has helped, but refreshers are good!
Haven't spoken to my father in 19 years. If he'll treat my mom like that, he'll treat me bad too. Different bad, but bad. Cause the kind of person that can do that is capable of plenty more.
I just found out that my father is cheating on my mother. When I was having dinner with him, he took pictures of the food and he had never done before. Then I asked him "Why are you taking picture of the food?" He said, "I send it to your mom." Actually, I had asked him this question a several times before and he just kept silence never respond but I know he was hiding something. All I want is he could realize and stop this ridiculous thing and I could still pretend like nothing happened. But today the words he said just totally disgusting. Finally, he lost my trust and my respect. I would never forgive him.
the wound is real. This happened when I was 8, and all I heard were lies, not even a shifting of blame. Huge arguments before and after, I was simply too young to witness it. It’s definitely affected my personality and mindset down the line.
@@outgrowinfidelity apologies for the late one, it took me growing up to realise the multi-faceted effects it had on me. I’d also like to stress that my parent’s infidelity is just a component of my bad childhood but I think it. 1. Created severe anxiety for myself. I have always had sweaty hands and am paranoid of unlikely events. 2. Distrust towards others. I never believed women in my life were being loyal to me, etc. I realise now I was using my parents toxic marriage to be a poor partner. 3. Victim mentality and self indulgence in poor behaviours. I still struggle with the substance abuse. 4. Resentment towards family. No matter how my father may treat me now, I’ll always remember how he left me with a super high fever to go cheat on my mother lol. Also the years where he lied saying he didn’t cheat and the other side of my family saying he was lying, it made me distant from all of them. Not everyone deserves to be parents and I will always stand by that I’m quite a bit younger than you, hopefully I can sort it out soon…
I have a friend who found out about her dad's affair 14 years later after it happened. The dad's excuse was: "You were a very sensitive child who got sick a lot, that was too much to handle". They told her about that the year she was finally happy (she was dealing with low-self esteem way before finding out), embracing her true self, handling two jobs, and being in a nice relationship. She was 21 at that time, so sad to see how finding out affected her and changed her vibe. She's doing better now, she's 26 and still learning a lot about relationships and life itself. We're still friends, thank god she didn't cut me off during her sad period, I never left.
My mother cheated on my dad when I was around 4, and around that age (VERY young) I figured out what sex was and I would see their messages together and sometimes cry at night, I figured me and my father weren't special to her, but then she had my two other siblings and I figured that they were done right? No, oh, and another thing, they weren't doing the cheating like taking her out at restaurants, or hanging out at the park, no, they were doing the kind of cheating like pulling up at a parking spot and literally have sex in the car, they continued seeing each other and I just didn't have the courage to confront her about it, now all I'm doing is waiting it out until I'm old enough and finish my studies so I can move out and leave that infidelity behind.
My dad wasn't a good husband - he drank and was anti-social, but he desperately loved my mom. My mom, who I imagine wanted to be with someone who wasn't drunk most of the time, ended her last(?) affair in 2011 when my dad found out. They didn't divorce, but my dad, yes, started trying to use my sister and me as therapists. He also drank more, ate less, lost his job, gained a significant amount of weight... He had already struggled with anxiety and depression, but the affair cost him his will to live. He didn't die by suicide in the way we normally think of it, but he was dead two years after he discovered the affair. Within 5 months of his death, my mom introduced her new boyfriend (not the guy she had the affair with), and I've always suspected that their relationship started before my dad died. I can sympathize with my mom's choices in some ways, but I haven't been able to shake the idea that she's to blame for my dad's early death. I love my mom, but I've definitely lost a lot of respect for her, and I do hate her boyfriend, but mostly because he's a homophobic, transphobic POS. The whole thing put a big wedge in my relationship with my mom, and I've spent the last 9 years mourning my relationships with both of my parents.
Cheating involves lying, manipulating your family's perceptions of reality. You and your spouse should agree together on your relationship structure. It should be monogamous or not, but you have to agree. And if your marriage is open, there has to be agreement also about what that looks like. If you can't agree or if one of you unilaterally goes rogue, such as cheating, the effects will be toxic. You have to be honest. If you no longer feel the agreement you have is working for you, ask to renegotiate. Don't lie and cheat.
Wonderful message!! Shame it's 27 years too late for my father to hear (not like he'd ever admit fault for anything). But I do hope people learn this lesson before making this kind of mistake in life, and have said mishap follow them for decades after. I'm the bitter proof that the child from a failed marriage will NEVER forgive an unfaithful parent for their actions, especially if said parent tries to weaponize their kids after a divorce against their previous lover.
Thanks for commenting this, it makes me feel less crazy. My dad cheated on my mom for the second time, different woman, when I was 15. He ended up staying with said woman. My sister and I don't like her and our relationship with our dad got all screwed up. He never apologized or admitted fault, more so demanded we forgive him and make excuses and justify his actions. This was 23 years ago. I almost seemed to get more angry about it as time went on, not less. I have the life experience and ability to understand now that I didn't when it first happened. My dad passed away in November, and I guess anger came first out of the grieving process. The fact of the matter is, he put this woman before everyone. She always came first. I found some old e-mails today from like seven years ago where he was writing that my sister and I never call or visit. Well, he moved into her house, so we never felt comfortable going there. He really didn't give much thought to how it would affect me or my sister, just though of himself. At the end of the day, having an affair is a coward's way out of a relationship. Can't even be bothered to end your current relationship properly before you have someone else lined up because you're too scared to be alone. If my dad was here, to this day he would insist he did nothing to his kids, only his ex-wife. Taking responsibility for his mistakes wasn't something he was capable of doing. Very selfish. My point is, thanks for saying it still upsets you after 27 years. It has been 23 years for me and I find it still affects me, no matter how many times I was screamed at to "GET OVER IT!"
On one hand I don't think I have heard many psychologist talk about infidelity. On the other hand, even then I can tell that you speak like I would hear it often. I LOVE integrity. I prefer truths, even if they're a bitter pill to swallow. It's empowerment to make informed decisions. That's why I love how you talk to - and about - people who were unfaithful to their partner and family. You don't sugar coat and say the truth. At the same time, you have regard for people being lost, flawed and inconsistent and making a mess. I see you reaching out, because it can give people a chance to redirect themselves in time. Or to "get back on the horse" by taking ownership, taking responsibility and getting to work in re-forging integrity. Integrity being the cup to hold respect, regard, capacity for being a part of a society that gets better, the more of us work on our cups (for whatever reason). It's about us cracking our cup open and then eventually getting confused why everything starts to leak through our fingers. Strangely enough, survivors and offenders suffer that very same damage in most cases. Eventually not noticing what they did or what they suffered , but somehow there's always water on the floor and oddly enough it starts to be more difficult to move and/or there's sudden slip ups. Some struggle to notice what's going on till they're at the brink of drowning or already drowning. Kintsugi was introduced on this channel. Mending the broken cup with gold. Eventually even receiving a cup that is even more precious and capable than before. So often, I see people flaunting disregard towards people they once cared for and justifying their own misguided actions. And yet, that alone is like flaunting to the world, how the price is "cannot be trusted". Trust is like the spine of anything social. Tempering with it comes at an incredible price we all end up paying every day. It shows. If you wouldn't mess with your spine for it, don't do it. If yours took damage already, then please stop and tend to it, before you end yourself with things like sudden outage of limbs or worse.
I found out my mom is cheating. She texts a guy. She met him 4 months ago. Everything used to be fine before she met him. She’s using her phone so much now. I’m still a minor. This is affecting my studies.
Right now, accross the hall, my parents are fighting again. He lied about something, she believes he is hiding things again and I'm so so tired. My aunt called me this noon, she heard something and apparently she now wants to talk with me about it; I don't wanna even think about what it might be. A year ago my mom found out he cheated on her for eight months, he got covid from the woman and infected all if our family; he almost died because of it, my mom almost died because of it, my siblings could have DIED and to think that now things are indicating that he is lying again, that he did not care about that, that he does not care that he *will* loose us if that happens again. I don't even know how to feel. In my family money is not exactly "abundant" and neither of my parents are great at saving money so I usually saved what I could from birthdays, christmas, etc. to have a bit of extra money in case it was needed. Some times for things like groceries or taxis, or something like that. If they really needed it and I had enough I would give them all I had for payments they must do or other things. Its supposed to be borrowed but from time to time they would pay me less than what I gave them or completely forget and not pay me at all. I did not mind, I really did not care, I was happy to help. But later I found out that he had used a bunch of money that I gave him (almost all my savings from the year) and gave it to that woman. I do not know for what, I do not want to know, but suddenly I cared and I cared too much. I vould have used that money for buying books I have wanted for so long, I could have buyed a tshirt or a hoodie (maybe even more than 1), I could have used it to buy my siblings and mom a pizza and ice cream or take them to a restaurant they like. Fuck I could have used it to buy something for _him_ , as a gift. But he took it from me, from my family because he knows damn well my money is everyone's, and use it outside. And is not only the money, during those 8 months he sweared on us, my siblings and I, that he would never, _never_ , cheat on my mom. I had never felt so used, so unloved, so unworthy, so unvaluable, as I did on the moment I knew what he did. I don't want to feel that again. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm angry even, and fuck I still love him but I want him to stop hurting my mom and my siblings so bad. I want him to just go away if he is not willing to actually change and do it quickly because we have had enough. Even before all of thus he had already done horrible stuff but this it was just a clear "I don't love you". I just want to be able to heal before facing even more things. I'm tired.
My mother had stroke in 2012, and i found out in 2014 that my dad had been having affair since mom got stroke cuz she couldn't have sex with him anymore. When i found out, he told me, to this day, the worst thing anyone could possibly say to me, and that was: You don't want your mom to die of stroke cuz she relapses from your words (about the affair) do you?. He was ready to blame me, if mom finds out, and if mom dies. I had paradigm shift, he was no longer someone i respect, not even now. His words, his morals, his deeds, everything disgusts me and i just wanna slap a billboard on his head saying "Hypocrite" on it. My mother did ask whether my dad has a new woman to me, and i wished God would take my life then and there. For 3 years after her death i tortured myself physically and mentally for not supporting my mother enough for being just as horrible as him because i kept the affair a secret--in fear that she'd die of relapse. The happier they got as family, the quicker my siblings call that slut Mother, the more intense i torture myself. Because it didn't feel right. They shouldn't be happy, they don't deserve it, i contributed to this, i made this possible, if i should live my life in torture to atone then so be it, as i let my mother die in torture. If i eat, i vomit it all out. If i sleep, i set alarm every 30 minutes so i could never get good sleep. At some points i'd even bite and hit myself each time i forgot to torture myself mentally. Repeat for 3 months, the cart i've been trying so hard to push finally moved on its own. I couldn't swallow food, i'd always wake up with panic attack, even forgetting where i am though it's my own room, i didn't realize that i was biting myself even in public as biting had become a habit. It got worse to the point i was actually terrified of what i have created. I remember waking up on grass on my pajamas. i have gaps in my memories.. that's when i want it to stop. I didn't have any therapist because my father says it's only for "crazy people". Little did he know that i had become one. A year of torture, took 3 years of healing on my own. Not many are lucky or capable to do it. If you love your child, don't have affair. I'm one of the lucky ones.
Omg I’m sorry you had to go thru this 😢😢 please see a therapist have someone to talk to. I myself I’m having panic attacks over my husbands affair 😢 he doesn’t even know I know about it. I read the massages everyday 😢 I file for divorce ans I’m still waiting for my lawyers to getting out of the house 😢
Oh, my goodness. Honey, it is not your fault. The blame and everything you are torturing yourself with belong to your dad. It is his fault 100%. He will reap what he has sows. You need to take care of you and learn to love yourself the way your mom would want you to and for yourself. Forget him and his lying ways. The Lord says “Vengeance is mine”
You know what, the point made about taking accountability as a parent for infidelity I think actually made a huge difference in my life as a child of a parent who cheated. My mom cheated on my dad and got pregnant, they eventually divorced, she gave birth to my sister, and years later she married the man she cheated with (my sister's father). I think I had a difficult time accepting the other man (they eventually divorced after he cheated on her, go figure), but that is also largely due to many other problematic aspects he brought into the family and how he has treated my sister. As far as my mom is concerned, she has always been EXTREMELY regretful of her decisions and has always said it was the worst decision she has ever made (leaving my dad). According to her, my dad refused to sign divorce papers up until she gave birth to my sister because he was still trying to make the marriage work, but my mom felt too guilty--my dad was too good for her. She knows and accepts that she did something wrong, and she has always been open about that fact with me and my siblings, and while I think it was an immoral action I don't hold it against her as a person and as my mother.
I grew up in a family with a cheating father, and now I'm also living in one. I'm trying so hard to stay together and act really well as if everything is great in front of kids like my mom did her entire life, but it gets tough sometimes. I have another respect for my mom… she still thinks I don't know, but it slipped out of my dad’s mouth when he came out of surgery and was under the influence of anesthesia. I will never tell my mom that I know, not letting her sacrifice to become useless
I was home when I was little for my mom's affairs, 2 different men. I tried to tell my dad what was happening. I got my butt beaten. I held on to my mom's secret and, being home for her acts, I held on for 12 years, and I am 32 now it STILL affects me. My mother's reason she deserves happiness. I told her everyone deserves happiness. I really wish she could say sorry but she's always right. But both parents were toxic in many other ways. I can't let it go yet. I am in therapy for many trauma because I am struggling alone
My dad cheated on my mom about 8 months ago. I try to avoid talking to him in any way possible. Since I'm an adult it's easier but he still comes to my family home to get my kid sisters on the weekend. He brings his mistress to pick up my sisters and it pisses me off. He still pretends not to know why I don't talk to him. I don't like how he discusses these things with the older sister. She says he misses me but I know that's one of his tactics. I have to accept that we will never be family again. Not like how it used to be. He proposed to his now-fiancee two months ago. My parents have only been divorced for three months. He says he wants to try for a baby with her. When he left he said he wanted to be free and not have to be responsible for a family. His fiancee has 4 children one of them is a ten yo lives with them. I will never understand my dad. I choose to let it go. Sometimes It hurts every now and then but I'm happy I gave up on him. I'm proud I made it this far. I'm glad my mom left him. When she tried to fix their marriage I had less respect for her. I know that's judgy but I'm being honest. It took a lot to be where I am now. My healing is really starting
if the mistress ever tries small talk just respond with "I'm sorry who are you again?" every single time you have to see the witch also don't show up at the wedding if he cares in any way that will hurt him.
Love the message! Something I wish you would cover in addition to this, is when parents split and the other person is no longer in the picture. So single parents and dealing with their kids (dealing with their own emotions and kids emotions)
My mother caught my father cheating , she was devastated . Later that day I discovered those chats and I was heartbroken . And later I caught my mom having an affair also . I was 14 or 15 at that time I didn't know what to do . I never confronted my father but confronted my mother she beat the s**t out me and left me crying . She didn't felt guilty .also at that time I was bullied as well , I craved for attention as all of my friends have some type of boyfriends or crush but I was rejected by my crush all the time . I craved for attention all the time . I was not soo close to my father soo I never confronted him . But my mother later said she stopped having an affair but it was a lie . Later I caught her 4 5 times chatting with that guy . When the last time I caught her she was angry at me for being immature and acting out . My mother and father are still together but I still have trust issues . Like if they are talking to other guy or girl I want to kill the latter . Really I am a highly sensitive person and it really hurts me , I have moved on but I cry out whenever I think about those things . I never want to be in relationship because of this. I have a younger sister and I don't want her to know anything about this and have trauma throughout of her life. I came to this video to help with my anxiety but cried my heart out when I realized it's okay to have those feelings it's okay to be not be grateful all of the times .
My father cheated on my mother multiple times when i was a teenager. I would never cheat, and It made me loath cheating. Then my wife cheated on me. Needless to say, it was very traumatic to go through. Cheating is an evil act.
This spoke to me. Recently I was told that my mom had cheated on my dad with her high school ex because her friend convinced her to. I’m not going to get into it but this caused me so much anxiety and pain after the divorce. She kept not coming home some nights when I was young and I was oblivious. She said that she was going to “a friends house”. I now know it was more than a friend.
my dad cheated on my mum when i was 11, i still remember really vividly when my mum told me and i said to her ‘this wasn’t supposed to happen to us’ i was so confused. my parents are still together, they fight a lot but we never talk about it anymore. she used to use it against him in arguments in front of me and my sister saying ’why dont you go and live with her and her kids i bet they’re amazing’ which was really upsetting for me. i still feel like i wasn’t enough for my dad. they made up the first time and then my mum found out he was in contact with the woman again. i really struggle with trusting people now. i still wonder if he is still in contact with her or if he still sees her. i will always feel betrayed
I am really devastated I found out that my mom is cheating on my father Then....when I asked about this she told me that my father used to cheat on my mother frequently and used to not care for her... then eventually he changed a little bit and stopped cheating and trying to be nice He never try to understand my mother Now......I don't know what to do I am angry on both and myself for making this as excuse for not focusing on my preparation This is affecting me and my studies
My mom just done this to my dad. Cheated on him. After 23 years. My sister read her messages and knew about it for months now and blurted out out yesterday. I had my suspicions but didnt want to say anything because I didnt want to cause issues incase iw as just being paranoid. I knew she was doing it but I was in denial. I was so close to my mom, she was like me friend I told her everything. I even told her when the first time I tried vaping, tried weed, had sex for the first time. I trusted her with my life and she knew every last thing about me. Now I can't even see myself talking to her again and it really hurts man. I cried yesterday so hard I had a panic attack :(
My mother had two very public affairs..resulting in an addition to the family...it absolutely destroyed us. We felt ( and were told on a regular basis ) that we were in her way. My father was too quiet, and she made dirt of him. On top, extreme violence from her, regular beatings, from her. Poverty and plain dirt. Minimum housework done..it was dreadful. I can honestly say it affected all of us, and she created division between the siblings that ran into adulthood...wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy...
My father slept around, and considered it him answering his needs: that men have 'needs', and he was a man, and he could gratify them if he didn't get gratified at home. So he blamed my mother, to me, for not sexually satisfying him. And the last one called to the house., to talk to my mother. He honestly stopped being a 'parent' at that stage, I have no expectation of him at all. I don't think he noticed, he still considers himself the man, the one who should never be anything other than the top of the pile. It is his movie, and he is always the hero.
This is happening to me now. They will shift the blame on you. Yet won’t take accountability of the adult they are and that is was all a choice they made.
My husband started his relationship with his mistress while we're married. Then introduce my kids to his mistress. Not even 5 months after moving out, it was the worst thing that he could ever do. I know my kids watch him. Have these intimate moments as they hide up in their room at his house. Hes chosen her over him. And that's the only explanation for that's the only way you can see it, and there's no explaining yet. Try to explain that to him, but it doesn't matter, hes gonna do it..
My family growing up was destroyed by my mother's obsession with having multiple affairs. Eventually we were told that she had narcissistic tendencies and had put all of my family through her abusive behaviors. I have 2 sisters and my one sister and I have already gone no contact with her because of all of this. I want her to get better but after things repeating for so long I have lost hope for this.
I really appreciate this video, especially your comment that restoring a relationship with a child (of any age) is really challenging after an affair. It does mean taking ownership and spending many years working to rebuild trust. So few therapists speak about how infidelity effects children so thank you.
I’m 25 and as son I have that problem I have resentment for my father he and mom obviously are divorced, I have some conversations with him from time to time but he always bring up “I do whatever I want” seems like he won’t like to change his ways and that’s when anger take control over me, I definitely want a normal /conservative relationship in the future ! I won’t like to deal with the future problems !
i’m 17, only child about to leave to college soon. i’ve had my suspicions that my mom is cheating on my dad for a while, but i always kind of brushed it off cause i didn’t want to believe it. recently, i saw her texting a guy (one of my old friend’s dad) who she’s clearly having an affair with based on how they talk to each other. obviously i’m not sure what to do, and i just hate her so much right now because from what i’ve seen all my life my parents have never had problems and they look happy. i’m tempted to confront her about it and go off on her but i know that’s not the right thing to do. i just want her stupid actions to be exposed. it just sucks so much to know what she’s doing but i still have to treat her like she’s not ruining our family. at this point i’m just yearning to move out to not be around her anymore, and i don’t plan on visiting often even if she gets mad cause she doesn’t deserve to spend time with the family she clearly doesn’t think about risking. i’m just so lost :(
It's the duplicity, right? That you can see what is going on and no one else does. It hurts a lot. You are right I think to focus more on yourself and college. It is unlikely that you will be able to help your parents' relationship. They are the only ones who can do that. I am sorry you have to go through this,
my dad cheated on mom. It’s difficult because I’ve never seen him express any remorse about it or apologize. I think I had a lot of repressed feelings about it. When he cheated on my mom, I was still in high school I was 16, and I think I supressed it tried to forgive him bc my parents stayed together, I thought one day he will apologize. But he still hasn’t, and in fact the signs are there that he’s still cheating on her. And honestly I can’t trust him anymore, can’t even talk to him. I tried to think what’s happening to me but it’s those repressed feelings coming out. I talked to him last year that if he’s still cheating I’m never going to agree with that although we his kids forgave him in the past. It hurts me as daughter, he was my hero. I don’t even know what to do with these feelings. I just hope I can move away, that way at least I don’t have to pretend I’m fine.
I think better than waste your years living in resentment and having a cloud over your head each time your see your partner mood change. Better move on, focus on yourself and start fresh with a mature person. Having clean break up much better than continue living with a cheater, but this is my personal take on a situation and this is how I’m going to teach my kids. Relationships aren’t guaranteed to work out and we can’t control what other people do. Everyone is teaching you how to make it work but no one is teaching you how to end dysfunctional relationship. Continue working on unworkable you are preventing yourself from living life the way you want to live it and there is so much more to life other than marriage. I think the other spouse should hold off on trashing cheating parent to a kid. The only thing you can do is to tell them the truth when they are older but don’t go out of your way to bash the other parent. If the parent takes 50% responsibility, coparenting, pays support they are already contributing. Speak to a professional if you have to, act in the interest of the children and continue living your life.
My dad had a few, and I saw the pain it caused,at 14 I was my mums therapist basically, but now I have a terrible block all men shouldn't flirt with women outside their marriage,I become preachy and l feel let down there's no decent men . So cheating hurts everyone.
My father cheated on my mom almost 20 years ago and as an 8 year old child my first though was that it was because of me because all I knew about what dad did at the time was that that's how families were made so my 8 year old brain understood was that "daddy was not happy with me so he decided to start a new family" and from that my father and I were always distant. When mom took him back I felt betrayed because we had a great life without him then the son of a bitch died before I became old enough to actually have a conversation with him about his actions.
Would love your input on this. A dad broke his marriage over a younger woman. Also got arrested for hitting his wife in front of kids before leaving the family. Then started a new relationship, forced children to spend weekends with new girlfriend, kids got close to her and now love her, call her stepmom. Then dad cheats on stepmom with same younger woman he broke marriage the first time. Now dad is mentally trying to manipulate oldest child, the daughter, saying his new relationship won’t work unless she accepts woman, that he deserves to be happy, and he knows his other 2 sons will do what the oldest daughter decides. Can you comment on it if possible? This is causing them a lot of anxiety and mental issues. Thank you in advance. Now kids feel like father has broken hearts of 2 women they love, mom and stepmom. They got close to stepmom and now slowly they feel that relationship will fade.
this is devastating. obviously the dad doesn’t want to change. i grew up with cheating all around me. my mom has been drug through the mud time after time. and the men that cheat, they don’t really change. they don’t appreciate what they have, they worry about what they don’t. the dad needs to understand the example that he’s setting for his kids, the issues that come with it. i have borderline personality disorder now and major trust issues. the oldest daughter shouldn’t do what the dad wants her to do, she needs to do what’s best for her and stay away from it. in the moment it may not seem like it’s affecting you as much as you think, but it will completely change your perspective on love. i always think someone’s going to abandon me or do me dirty. the dad could’ve just got a divorce, avoided this whole situation. but he didn’t, if they really want to do something they will. and the dad wanted more than what he had. let it get in the way of his family, but he didn’t think about that. he didn’t think about his kids or the relationship he had with them. she should also understand this, forgiving him ; he will think that means it’s ok. he will just do it again and think he’ll be forgiven. they get used to being forgave that’s the problem. the Bible speaks a lot about adultery. i’m an only child so when my mom got cheated on it hurt me so much, (she even told him about being cheated on before) it was just me and her thru the struggles. but she has siblings, people to look out for. i hope whoever you are talking about gets the awnsers she needs. Prayers🙏 if you aren’t religious i apologize.
My Dad had an affair and involved me (his daughter) in his lies and deceit when I was 10. How does this affect my long term romantic relationships with men as a woman now? How does this affect my relationships with women? My whole life I felt like I’ve had internalized misogyny. Wonder if it stemmed from my male family members showing me early on in life, that it was ok to disrespect women and treat them like objects.
It has such long term consequences. If you are a reader, check out the book Wild Game by Adrienne Brodeur. She was rolled into her mom's affair in a super crazy way. It might help you feel less alone.
when he still lived with us, my father had a ton of affairs. he'd even bring people into our house sometimes and tell us to stay in our rooms. each and every one of us has been aware of it since we were all little kids, and our mom knew too. see, he's always been "the villain" and didn't seem to care that what he did would affect us in any way. except it doesn't feel like it did? like i genuinely do not care at all about his cheating, and neither does my mother, according to her. it doesn't seem to have affected me or my siblings in any readily noticeable way. is it possible it has and we just aren't aware of it ?
Thank you so much for this video! I thought for years that I was overreacting, and now I know: It's not my fault why I can't trust my mother anymoer. My mother cheated on my father 17 years ago, and even more worse: the person she had an affair with was my uncle! The husband of my father`s sister. They are married now, and I had to live with them 7 years, what was a complete nightmare, because my uncle/ stepdad is a narcist and controlfreak. I got punished almost every day because he thought I was lying to him in almost everything, what was complete bullsh*it. Until today, she claimes that they hadn't slept toghether before she finished of the relationship with my father. But my brother, me, her sister and half of my familie know that she is lying. They met each other several times without telling anyone. She tangled herself in a web of lies which doesn't make any sense, and isn`t even clever enough to remember her own stories, contradicting herself over and over again. Also, she is such a manipulativ person. She really nails the victim role, masterly playing the crocodile tears-card, and in that way succeded in letting my father standing there as the bad guy for years. A long time, I was too naive and had a too soft heart to understand this. I'm 30 years now, and I have nearly zero trust and zero respect for my mom left. I'm not blaiming her for falling in love with another man, but they destroyed two families, and we, their children, aren't even worth the truth for them. Also, she watched for 7 years while my stepdad took control over everything that affected me, how he stole my money, punished me for nothing, and didn't gave me the possibility for private sphere. She even helped him sometimes, playing the victim role after I confronted her... To be honest, I despise my mom. I had to go a long way to be able to trust any other person again and had to goto therapy because of anxieties and depressions. Even today, what she did hurts like hell for me. I'm very lucky and I have a wonderful husband, I'm with him for almoust 10 years now. He showed me how to trust again, and luckely, he knows how to deal with my insecurities, helping me to work on them, and he is very empathic. But I fear I will never be able to trust my mother, and never getting rid of the pain she and my stepdad caused.
Thats almost exactly what happened to me, except she didn't get into a relationship with my uncle. I really don't know how they could do that, it's absolutely disgusting
Man my dad for Years abused me and my mother made us feel like we not Wirth anything only to find his been sleeping with his best friends wife, it was just the nail on the coffin for me to never care for this man again 💔
My mum had an affair. She divorce my dad during it. It smashed our family. I lost my relationship with my sister as we were forced to take sides. My mum turned my sister against her dad. My relationship with my mum is almost gone. I took over my mum's role and give up my 20s to look after my dad until he died. All I wanted my mum and dad talked. I wanted my mum to try but she did not.
My father left when I was three, my step father was with us from a little after that to last June. He cheated 6 years ago, got therapy, and we forgave him. But he cheated again last year. Me and my mother haven’t been the same since. It doesn’t help that he’s incredibly manipulative and psychopathic.
I was a kid when my mom had an affair she sign papers and gave me to my dad. Because of what she did she lost her job the way her family thinks about her. It took a long time for me to forgive her. Now my parents are friends and I have a great relationship with my mom. It maybe not the one I wanted but it works. If your reading this, please don’t do something that’ll hurt your kid or yourself. Please take from the kid’s view point.
My dad cheated on my mom my whole life. I was always confused if I should confront him or tell my mom. I had to move back home in my mid twenties got a little liquid courage and confronted him. He ended up just leaving and not saying where he went until weeks later. Now I’m in my mid thirties he’s married to the woman he cheated with. It really fucked me up especially around holidays or funerals etc. I simply can’t be around his wife there is no telling what would happen. The thing that sucks most is not being able to be around MY family without being around her.
Shoot, I found that when I was 11 that my dad was a serial cheater. And he’s married to my mom. He just had at least one other person at any moment. And he’s a church elder so he’s deciding on the fate of church members who are doing the same thing, and preaches blah blah. And he NEVER admitted it. Ever. Alley alone apologize. Every couple years or so he sends a message requesting a blank slate without even acknowledging anything. And everyone is looking at me like I’m the drama queen because I don’t just go along with the story.
I only had 2 exes and they never cheated. However, my father did many times which is disgusting and really affected me in how I deal with my relationships. I was jealous and always wanted to be in control of my partner. I am already working on healthy attachments and healthy love slowly.
Im the product of both my parents cheating on their spouses. The dad i grew up and he knew. I sure didnt look like his 2 older kids. I grew up feeling like my life was off , a lie... just a mess
I feel broken from it. I officially found out just over a year ago that my dad cheated…but I knew before because I walked in on him trying to buy sex I think. I was 10. And now in my current relationship, I feel terrified of betrayal. My partner showing any signs of attraction to someone makes me panic and want to run and hide, even though he is a great man and loyal. I love my dad, but I hate that he did this. It completely ruptured my sense of what long term love and commitment is
My dad cheated on my mom when i was around 3 and my sister was 14, he divorced her and married that woman and i have no idea for how long cause we don't remember her.. Again both me and my sister did not know this until recently as my mom started talking about it more, but honestly it has fucked us over more than we initially thought. My sister don't remember her whole childhood and teen years so she dosen't recall much about the divorce and that time. And i never knew why my parents divorced because my mom and dad was so great at keeping the tone and piece at celebrations and when he dropped me off from my weekend visit. But i have also been told by my mom and sister (my sis choose to live with dad) that my sister came home to us and slept quite often as she was scared of being alone at home when my dad had night shifts, I do not recall my sister coming home to us, in fact i told people i was an only child because i never saw her and i cannot recall her being there even at my birthdays or at Christmas so my mind has prob also blanked out some things from that time..
Thank you for this insightful post. Could you please do another version of this without the movie clips? I request this earnestly.. My father keeps asking why we won’t allow him into our lives. He never admitted to or acknowledged his constant affairs, physical and emotional abuse at home. He wants to now have a relationship with his adult children and wants to use us as his social security in his old age. I’m a Christian and I feel so burdened by God’s command to honor our parents while finding it impossible to have a relationship with a parent who minimizes and who pretends to be completely oblivious to the damage he has caused. I want to send this video as a response to his importunate requests for a renewed relationship but I find it so difficult to articulate all the pain while being constantly gaslighted.. So, please put out another video that doesn’t seem to make light of this deep seated hurt. Thank you
Hello, did you send him the video? I’m in an extremely similar situation as yours, also wanting to send the video to my dad and all, tho in my case besides removing the movie bits I’d also add spanish subtitles (my family’s mother language) if you still want to, I could edit it out and send it to you
My mom had an affair when I was only a year old. I was never sure why I had so much hostility towards her but when my dad told me what she had done to him and us I felt so betrayed. He had been working two jobs to support her lifestyle and me being welcomed to the world. She cheated on him with a coworker of theirs and he was broken, had to go to therapy for years. He still has trouble talking about it 18 years later but he’s better now without her. I still don’t know how to feel about it but I haven’t told my mom I know and I’m not sure when I ever will. I am just trying to understand how she could do this to him. Did she never love him or was I a mistake between a marriage that she wanted so desperately to end.
Are you able to make a video about how a child of a parent who had an affair should move forward? Maybe the perspective from the child who started out angry at the parent and the child who came to that place later in life?
Today, mom told me about my dad’s affairs (yes not one or two) . My heart shattered to pieces and every piece shattered even more….. idk what to do or how to manage my emotions and the situation
Yes but what do you tell kids who want to know why you are divorced? At some point or age it is every ok to be honest about divorce happening because of an affair?
My father was an abusive alcoholic to both me and my mother . He would always be ranting and raving saying she was a whore and a slut and would tell me as a child I would probably grow up and be just like her. I would feel so bad and scared for my mom. He would hit her and then started to accuse her of cheating with a white man and my mom would just tell me he was a crazy drunk . When I was 12 she gave birth to my sister and everyone could clearly see she was a mixed race child. Everyone but me. My mom told me some crazy story about us having American Indian in our family 🥴. I was a child and believed my mom . Even my friends laughed at me and told me but no. Long story short we left my father when my sister was almost 2 after leaving him 3 times. Once after he left the house and threatened to come back with a gun to kill us. We spent the night in the car that night but actually came back that time. Come to find out later my mom had an affair with her best friends husband. That woman’s husband actually helped get my dad a job where he himself work . Big company . My mom even took my sister over her friends house before so HE could see my sister. The real crazy part is that I have hated my father all of his life because of all the violence and fear not ever recognizing the pain and humiliation she put him through . Unfortunately he died in 2010. She had even laughed about tricking him. It really just dawned on me in the last few years how messed up she is. The whole experience altered my perspective about relationships. And I’m just really realizing this as an adult.
What would a person do if their parents were both divorced and remarried but the stepdad cheated on the mom and the mom chose to forgive the stepdad, and then the step dad became progressively more toxic and disrespectful towards the mother? My friend's mom wants her to be nice to her stepdad but she just doesn't like him. My friend is so scared of relationships because she didn't grow up around good relationships.
My daughter who is 33 years old and has been married 10 years. Just told me a few weeks ago she’s been having an affair for about a few years now. Some degree her husband is excepting it. And they agreed to stay together for the sake of the two kids to seven and four. Does she reading a double lie, they have family time together family vacations together holidays things like that come home, but on her days off and freedom she’s going out with the person she’s having a fair with going out to dinners traveling going to concert going to event having a fun life I suppose and I just think it even though they think maybe they’re helping the kids I agree with you that they’re pretending the kids are going to find out someday And that they didn’t work on their marriage to make it work and get a divorce set up a new life and then bring somebody else in heart. Heartbreaking to watch the kids think they have a great life right now the kids are young mommy and daddy love each other took him to a week in Canada. They stay at Walt Disney World, but yet she’s a different life. I don’t see how well my ex had an affair on me destroy your heart and your family. I don’t know how my husband can deal with it except she knows what it’s like to come from a divorce family and maybe that isn’t what he wants to have And I’m really shocked about my daughter and I can thousand miles away and my daughter want to speak to me and we haven’t really discussed anything because she just sent it to me to text that’s it I guess in her heart she knows that maybe you know, I’m not gonna approve of youbut I haven’t said anything anything that I should do and I’m sure they’re probably isn’t so I can’t help but wonder what I can do? Not only is she having affair, but she’s decided she’s bisexual, and her affair is with a woman. And watching her lead a double life and knowing the kids don’t know and knowing that her husband is putting up with it as best as he can honestly, they seem like a happy marriage I know it sounds funny I’m not trying to they don’t even hardly ever argue. They really isn’t any tension in the house when I visit anyway But that said the kids are going to someday know that their mother cheated on their father and the marriage is going to end eventually I can’t imagine how this can end. Well she’s leading a double life and even though the husband knows the kids will someday no that their mother didn’t really love their father and they really don’t have a stable ground to stand on And she goes out and parties and enjoys her life. She’s having her cake and eating it too. I almost wish the husband would say you must make a choice if you want our family let’s see if we can work it out and if you don’t then divorce nothing good can come up this way. It doesn’t seem to me and I’m in agreement.
After 38 years my parents divorce and I found out it was because of multiple affairs on both sides that happened in the early years of the marriage. They wanted to fix it but they let their anger get in the way and now I feel like their is a giant knot in my throat and I can’t breath. As a child I felt it was my fault because one affair happened during the toughest time of my childhood. I was struggling making friends I had a weight problem and I was failing in math, and I thought if I hadn’t been so needy if I had been the kid that our neighbors were (A+ students, waking up at 5:30 am, on a sports team) that my parents wouldn’t have done with what they did.
My dad is currently cheating on my mom kinda have been for a while. They fight every day about now whenever they scream i tell my dad to stop and scream as hard as possible just to get his attention but he’s just like “oh son I’m sorry” and then he keeps on fighting but I ignore him I just really pray for them to stop I still don’t want them to divorce even though it is the best for them. But at the same time I want them to stay together, as 2 parents.
If you can't be a loyal monogamous partner, take the better road and either negotiate with your spouse to open the relationship consensually, or end the marriage and do the work on yourself to be able to have relationships going forward that are CNM/polyamorous. Absolutely BE HONEST with your children about who you authentically are. They love you and trust you to care for them with highest integrity.
As someone who's dad had an affair, it's been a decade and although the pain has lessened it's still there. We still talk but I still resent him and that hate hasn't gone away. I can't count the amount of times I've cried, thinking whether I or my mom wasn't enough for him, that weren't good enough and that's why he cheated. It sucks because all I wanted was a father and a normal family. Since my parents aren't divorced because in my culture women just bear with it and it is seen as shameful to be divorced, they fight all the time. There's a type of animosity that doesn't go away and mom resents him. I don't think I'll ever forgive or love him after what he's done. So, if you're thinking of cheating, don't do it.
I agree with you. There's no divorce in the Philippines and when grandpa cheated on my grandmother, my mom and her siblings never forgave him. My grandma died early and before she passed, her last words were: you better pray you die before me because I swear to you that your children will never look after you. Well later on, my mom and her siblings left the ancestral home and they sent money out of obligation but they rarely visit him. He lived alone in a big house and later on ended up shooting himself. They only discovered him days later. It's sad really. My mom will not even let herself cry in public for him. I saw her cry in private and she told me that she hates that she still loves him even after what he did to their family. I thought it was tremendously sad that both father and child cannot move past the hurt to show their love for each other.
I empathize with you...my father is also cheating on my mother and it has shattered my family and caused us all so many problems of our own and to make things worse my father feels no need to apologize...he only justifies his immoral behavior and my mother stays with him because he has ruined her self respect and self confidence! It's a terrible situation to live through day in and day out!!
Oh God I'm so sorry to hear that. I feel you, my dad is still illegally married to that whore (yes she befriended my mom for years, before she ruins our family, took his money, and left us with nothing). My mom asked for divorce multiple times but he kept turning her request down because he couldn't run his "family" business alone, he couldn't do anything, he just do presentation to the investors. And my mom would handle everything with the other managers. He couldn't even make an instant noodle by himself! Idc if you want to call me an ungrateful child because he sold our house (bought by my mother), cars, and I can barely pay my next semester tuition. This led me to over a decade long depression, multiple suicide attemps. You couldn't worded it any better! All I crave is a normal family. I envy my friends' parents who stay faithful to the day their wife/husband dies. I'd rather have a single mother and live in countryside rather than feeling want to kill myself 24/7. The worst part of it is that my mother adopted me, my "dad" agreed but at the end of the day I am still not wanted enough to be loved. I have never been. He didn't even care to f*ck the whire when my mom is on chemo. He has the audacity to tell me to get along with their child!
Thank you for sharing your experience. This might sounds weird but I'm glad I found people with similar experience so I know I am not alone, even though we don't know each other.
If any future-dad or soon-to-be-a-dad sees this comment, please. I beg you. Don't cheat on your wife. If you don't love, want her anymore. Please divorce her. Let her live her life. Life is short. Don't hurt people who love you unconditionally. Don't take them for granted. Be grateful. You might have the temptation to seek a new, young woman other than your wife but physical beauty fades. People get old. Not only it is hurting the wife but you don't know how horrible it affects the children. You might think it will healed with time but guess what? No. It doesn't. It can worse over time. Please be faithful. It is not that hard. Remember all the time you have gon through together to the point where you made a promise at the altar (or anything if you come from other religion!), welcomed your child/ren, and how about growing old together? Wouldn't it be fun to recall all your memories together while thanking how you both stay to each other? Sorry for the long comment or the broken english.
my dad is cheating on my mom and I don’t know what to do, I want to talk to people who go or have been through similar stuff, i was wondering if you could share your experience? 😊
@@happylilac29I just found out the truth this morning…😢still don’t know what to do
The sad thing is that the person who cheats does not think that what they are doing or have done has affected their family or children. They really don't care about anyone else but themselves.
Selfish behavior and the sad thing they think they deserved it. Sick.
Yep that is Narcissism
i agree with you
True😔
Basically, be an adult. If you're done in a relationship, end it like an adult. Don't cheat. It hurts too many people.
Why bother? When he can get the best of both worlds. Have his cake and eat it. Have his sexual partner be available whenever he wants, and come home like nothing is going on and sleep with his wife too.
My father really doesn't think his affair had any affect on his family. He says the affair he had shouldn't even be a issue . It did but cheaters never will accept the blame.
My dad had a 10 year long affair that he hid from all of us. It all came out after I went to college and they ended up getting a divorce. I was absolutely devastated, even as an adult child. My Dad was my hero growing up and my view of him was completely ruined.
He was never sorry for what he did, he completely justified it. He then went on to marry the other woman about 8 months after the divorce. My brother and I were expected to both be in the wedding with smiles on our faces. My brother even had to give a Best Man’s speech.
It’s been 15 years since then and my Dad and my’s relationship will never be the same. I’ve lost all trust and respect for him. It’s heartbreaking.
If you’re being tempted to have an affair, JUST SAY NO!
My biological father was cheating on my mother, with the woman he is now married to. As I found out he is now a therapist- including couple therapy my first reaction was laughing, my second: "Should I warn his clients?" I never could imagine he could be a good therapist.
Damn!! What a weird situation. However, when a cheater wifes up the other woman, it speaks volume about the level of emotional discomfort he used to feel in the initial relationship. Just saying it. Not trying to justify your father's actions but maybe, your father felt completely out of place with your mother and would cheat in order to retrieve the supposed comfort. And now, as a couple therapist, I think he commissioned himself to help other and maybe younger men avoid relationships where the supposed deep and passionate connection has yet to be encountered.
There are therapists who suggest affairs to their clients, he'll be one of those.
@@Walls2008 or he's trying to help prevent people from making the same mistake he did, maybe he feels terrible for it, it's not like all cheaters are just monsters, and nothing but monsters, not trying to justify it but it seems like something a person would do if they feel really sick about their past mistakes so dont make judgements like that without considering the actual intention
@@corymorrow5329 Exactly! He has first hand experience with it and maybe does want to try and help others considering cheating. Often (not always) therapists have experienced things that are in scope with who they now work with in therapy.
You won’t believe how many Narcissists become therapists. Just because they have a license doesn’t mean they are good at it, this is why I’m telling my friends check their credentials because here in Canada you don’t need Masters in Psychology to become a therapist. So it’s kind of sucks that people are fooled by those con artists even in a therapy settings.
My father had a double life and I am the product of his unofficial one. He was married but still carried on an affair with my mother for 30 years. I was not an accident and was planned by both my parents. Yet, my father still chose his official family over me and I was the one who had to deal with it since he passed before telling them. To this day, both of my parents' but especially my father's behaviours have a pretty negative effect on. Please parents, stop being freaking selfish. Your child should never feel unwanted and should never have to pay for your mistakes and bad choices.
As a young adult from an asian family who found out that his father cheated on his mother. I can only say that my relationship with my father has broke beyond repairs as I can't never trust him for every word he says and for every action he'll do. He lost my respect, my trust, my love and my empathy. Leaving only hatred, resentment, disappointment and utter disgust.
He said he'll try to prove his worth to our family. He will try to gain our trust back. But honestly, no matter how hard he tried, I will never forgive him for what he did. Some of you might say that I'm petty.. but for everything we've been through... the reason he begin cheating is just unforgivable... there are not enough word to express my feelings for him.
Edit: as a matter of fact, he didn't even apologize to us. It is just his justification after justification.
This is exactly what is happening to me. I hate living with him and seeing his face everyday. He never apologized and only gave explanations that made no sense. My sister and relatives are trying to understand HIM and think that as I am 16 I don't understand how this world works. But I'm the only one who has experienced this. I try to look at it through a third person's opinion and it's not working
i shed a few tears reading this. you just summed up my enitre emotions and thoughts toward my father. it feels good that im not the only one.
Affairs affect the children even when they don’t know about it. The tension in our home made our son so angry and he wouldn’t know why. We never told him about the affair, but we did tell him when we started going to counseling. The great thing is, as we started mending our relationship and our marriage the tension left and everyone started feeling happier. My husband and I worked hard in the past few months and we’re a much happier couple and stronger family.
I'm struggling in my marriage about a lot of things. My husband hasn't physically been with someone else but I think we have different definitions of cheating. He is talking to a woman on line who a year ago tried to convince him that it would be ok to be verbally (over chat text) be sexual with her and that I didn't need to know. He told her he was uncomfortable with that and told me all about it but kept talking to her and a year later instead of making plans for our 15 year wedding anniversary, he was chatting with this woman again and even after I bluntly said I'm uncomfortable with it he basically blew me off about it. Their is a lot more going on in our marriage. He's depressed and blaming his unhappiness with what he has accomplished in life on being married to me instead of working on his depression. He has verbally abused me for the last year, and hasn't even apologized for any of the shit he has said to me. "Your hobbies are stupid, your issues have never been sexy, I want to stay with the kids and your a package deal, you are the salt in my wounds." So basically I'm at the "you can fuck right off" point even though I know all of this is his untreated depression talking and not him.
@@cssruth this is going to sound harsh, but that is him speaking. Depression affects everyone differently but that doesn’t mean he isn’t responsible for his actions and for not getting help and instead taking it out on you. I get it. I explained my ex’s behavior away as him being a hurt person who took it out on me. But being hurt yourself is not an excuse to hurt others. He doesn’t value you as a person. It took me 8 years to learn that lesson and leaving was the only way to save myself.
This helps a lot, my parents are going through this as we speak. Same scenario
That's beautiful coming from a traumatic event.
My mom is still cheating she said she’s not gonaa do it again but she still chatting and calling the man, she keep lying it’s just a work but i am not dumb i can tell she is lying
Im the eldest daughter im just 15 every time she’s lying im hurting i wanna cry but i need to be strong i feel everything is not going to be okay
It's more devastating than some people like to admit.
I’m 21 years old and my mom left us to live across the country in August. She lied and told us she was leaving for her mental health and for a job, and when I asked whether she was leaving for another guy on our last one on one dinner, she denied it. We found out later that she had lied to all of us. She was my best friend for 21 years and she lied to my face.
I NEVER want to see her again. I don’t wish her any harm, but I never want a relationship with her again. Don’t have kids and screw them over like this later, no matter how old they are.
Good choice 👍🏻
She didn’t have or need to lie, if she wasn’t happy she could’ve asked for a divorce and then pursued her relationship with someone else.
Divorce is painful but that type of cheating behaviour and lying so much worse.
My mother cheated on my dad when I was around 4, and around that age (VERY young) I figured out what sex was and I would see their messages together and sometimes cry at night, I figured me and my father weren't special to her, but then she had my two other siblings and I figured that they were done right? No, oh, and another thing, they weren't doing the cheating like taking her out at restaurants, or hanging out at the park, no, they were doing the kind of cheating like pulling up at a parking spot and literally have sex in the car, they continued seeing each other and I just didn't have the courage to confront her about it, now all I'm doing is waiting it out until I'm old enough and finish my studies so I can move out and leave that infidelity behind.
@@maritzamatias7737you should have told your father
SO TRUE! My son resents his father and talks about it more and more as he grows up. Im raising my son with high moral authority and my son is the complete opposite of his father. He is empathetic, honest, trustworthy, kind and has morals. My son will be the best husband and the best father when he grows up!! I am teaching him better bc when you KNOW better you DO better. ❤
im 15. just found out like an hour and a half ago that my dad has been flirting with another woman. to make it even worse. he has been fatshaming my mom aswell. i have no idea what to do. and im furious
This exact same thing has happened to me . Just that i found out a few days ago and the fatshaming part didnt happen i am also 15.. it seems that things havent escalatef much... yet... hope your doing ok
@@circiumarurares4485 me too.... dont know what to do
Tell your dad that he is not a good example how to be a good man.
"do not demand that they forgive and let it go." man. this can be really hard in Asian families where you are supposed to give utmost respect to your parents. However this has been warped to such an ideal, where a child of ultimate filial piety respects his parents so much, that he will not need an apology to forgive - and hence by extension, that parents are not required to apologize. Yet, parents constantly demand apologies from their children. They are taught to "say sorry!" robotically without knowing what a good apology looks like and how that would work to repair and restore relationships. *sigh*
Honestly I hate it so much
This is my family but it's of no use for my cheating father because he's a narcisst and doesn't care how his only daughter feels about him. This video is spot on though. It's all I feel as a child of a cheating parent.
Same here! If it's any comfort, I share the same pain.
My same exact situation rn
My mom was a home recker. She fully admitted to likeing when married men fight over her.
My siblings and I were shunned by the people of our home town because of her actions.
"I don't want my kids playing with HER kids..." "oh you're HER kids aren't you?" "you're not welcome here, you're related to that tramp."
I use to think I was really stupid or a bad student because I was never accepted in extra circular activity's in school, but the truth was I was being neglected by my teachers because my mom ruined the lives of my teachers fiends and family members. our lives were ruined before we were even old enough to have one.
Please don't cheat. you're family WILL suffer the consequences of your actions, even if they are innocent 10 year olds, people will shun and neglect them.
I'm so sorry you went through this, you didn't deserve that.
My mother was like this also. I had an issue making friends cause she once had a thing with one of her friends husbands and she was banished from the group and my social life was cut.
My parents divorced due to my dad having an affair with my stepmom. 3 decades have passed since the divorce, but the affects linger. Mixed emotions toward my dad (love because of the times he's been there for me, but also anger because he betrayed my mom), never had any desire for marriage or romance in general...come to think of it, I don't even believe in marriage.
Thank you for this, truly
My mom cheated on my dad when I was 10 years old and having to witness this fallout firsthand was one of the worst things I've ever had to experience in my life
It's affected me to the point where I had trust issues for a time and I had fears of it while I'm in my relationship because of that traumatic event
It's hard for me to ever forgive my mom or the man she cheated on my dad with, but then again, my dad wasn't always the best guy to begin with due to his anger issues
Sorry that this is such a downer, but you making this video really brought to mind a lot of those memories and gave me some things to consider
I have the exact same issue.
My mother, was caught cheating two days ago by my father. He also had anger issues, was short-tempered and would go violent when he's mad at times. Right now, I'm currently in huge shock trying to process, but honestly, I don't want to talk to my mother anymore.
hoping we heal together one day :
My dad cheated on my mom because of her physco behaviour and now i find out mom is but now idc there relationship is just people who help eachother
Very similar experience for me. I wholeheartedly agree.
My mother cheated on my dad when I was around 4, and around that age (VERY young) I figured out what sex was and I would see their messages together and sometimes cry at night, I figured me and my father weren't special to her, but then she had my two other siblings and I figured that they were done right? No, oh, and another thing, they weren't doing the cheating like taking her out at restaurants, or hanging out at the park, no, they were doing the kind of cheating like pulling up at a parking spot and literally have sex in the car, they continued seeing each other and I just didn't have the courage to confront her about it, now all I'm doing is waiting it out until I'm old enough and finish my studies so I can move out and leave that infidelity behind.
my mom cheated on my dad and how it affected me that i became gay and I'm rubbing my gayness in her face
I walked in on my mother in bed with my dads best friend, but being only 8/9 at the time I naively believed her when she replied to my question of “who is that in bed with you?” after pulling the covers up quickly, with “ it’s your dad”.
I can still remember to this day ,nearly 50 yrs later, the shock I felt when dad came home just like normal after work, I asked my father “what are you doing coming home now, you were in bed with mom this morning when I came home from school” 😵💫
At that time not knowing how this might stick in my memory.
This has definitely put me at a disadvantage in forming lasting relationships, as the trust issues of thinking if my mother can cheat on my father, then my girl can cheat on me. It’s been so difficult, and never even been addressed until now. This is going to be a tough journey.
As a kid whose father cheated... I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for what he did no matter what words he used to apologize... What he did was wrong, and I can't trust him no more, and can't love him the same anymore, and yet can't hate him cause he pays all the bills, you know... I'm too indebted to him to be able to hate him, yet I can't seem to love him after what he did.
I so hear you. Have felt the same way about my mom. I actually was able to forgive her but don't think I will ever trust her again.
Hate is what you have when you still love someone who has betrayed you. Apathy is worse. Your apathy is the price of what he did, and it's the highest cost there is to cheating when there's kids involved.
My mother cheated on my dad two years ago with someone from her work, and it tore our family apart. It took months for me to gain any trust in her. I still have a lot of trust issues and I don't know if I will ever fully trust her. Thank you for your insight.
Ify rn
The same exact thing is happening to me right now
Going through the exact same thing now. I have never felt more alone.
my dad cheated like 6 times and my mom still lives with him so your problem is not so bad😂
I can really relate to this my mom’s cheating on someone currently and she acts like I don’t know it. It really hard on me for being young because I feel like I can’t talk to either of my parents because my dads also cheating currently to it ripped my heart into shreds
Yes. I found out today that my mom is cheating on my dad. I hate her now. She totally ruined my trust and everything. Her mistake. She'll never get my trust again or at least not soon enough. Yea I still love her but not as I used to. I started to think: Maby she was lonely... Maby I should do something about her lonelyness... But no. She didn't even regret it that much and she blames me for telling dad. I don't wanna see her anymore >:(
Tell her whatever is in your mind and how much you hate her.
And then leave her never talk to her maybe she'll regret it later on in life
A guy I knew made himself a list what would happen and who would be hurt if he cheated. He looked at it regularly. I really like the idea because it is so, so much you will loose, especially when you have kids!
I would be interested in the perspective of the child (grown up or not) if the harm is already done.
I guess it varies in different families. My mom never forgave her dad. He ended up shooting himself after being left alone in their big house. It's been almost 6 decades, my mom and her siblings still has no relationship with their step mother and siblings.
Yeah I was hoping for a little more focus on the child too... How does it impact the kid as the kid grows up and starts to date etc
Part of my childhood CPTSD is that every adult made me privy to the affairs going on in the family(basically NONE of the adults were faithful and most felt the need to tell me about it) and nutshell result: it's nearly impossible for me to have any kind of trust/faith/security in relationships and I avoid dating because infidelity and heartbreak seem inevitable and I'd rather not put myself through that.
Same. I now give up on the idea of dating, marriage because of my own dad's infidelity. It scars me to this day, getting worse over time. So I'd rather living alone than being in love for couple of months, years and then getting lied on again.
I, too was privy to tons of info tht should b for adults only. Between wt I've seen and experienced, I don't think I can even Pretend to Trust and place myself in a relationship.
I was talking to an elderly woman lately about the red flags I've seen because I'm pretty sure that my husband is cheating. She started talking about how her dad was always cheating on her mom. 70 years old and you could still see the pain on her face and the anger in her voice when she was talking about her dad. It's sad that my kids will face the same.
My ex left me for another woman. He tried to cover it up by telling the kids that the reason for the divorce was our mutual problems and that we both wanted it. I just wanted out because of all the hurt. They did find out about her soon after though. Eventually, I had to sit my kids down and tell them that what their dad did was wrong because I felt like they needed to know how much it hurt a marriage partner to do that. They accepted that but they never turned against him. They love him. I try my best not to say any bad things about him. The other woman broke up with him a few years later and now he's with a much better woman. It's been five years and I'm only now in a relationship. Sometimes, I think it's unfair that he got someone right for him straight away and I had so much healing to do to get to where I am now. But then, I'm so grateful for my personal growth and how strong I've become. I also have an amazing bond with my now adult kids. I just want them to be happy and I'm glad they have a good relationship with their dad. I sincerely hope that it hasn't affected them psychologically. They say it hasn't. But you just don't know.
You brought me back to a sad moment in my life. The moment my father tells my mom, and me because I was the only son home at the moment, that he was cheating on her. He got another women into pregnant, and that women broke a family, because she didn't want to drop down the pregnancy. And so in age 17.6 my parents divorced, we had a beautiful villa, got sold, the house was destroyed. Never felt real connection to this so called family anyway, but now everything was ruined. And when I was 18, my sister was born. 18 years difference, do you get it? And I am the small child of the original 3 brothers. The mid brother is 8.6 years older than me, and the big one is a decade older than me. We always disowned the new women, and for a time we all disowned our father too. Because he justified himself, gave excuses, blamed my mother, who was in such sorrow, she even once tried to kill herself. My two brothers disowned the sister, I didn't. But I don't see her very often, only when my father, sometimes brings her to family gatherings. But on daily life there is no connection, not that I don't care or don't love, it's just too big of a gap to fill in. I just wanted to share
i like what you said about not disowning your sister, i get disowning your dad and his new woman, never been in this situation but i think it's good not to blame the person who did nothing wrong, so good on you for seeing that
"Drop down the pregnancy"--is that a euphemism?
It is comforting in a way to read all these comments. I feel less alone in the struggle I have had since age 14. My parents were both unfaithful. My mom left my dad for the man she was cheating with, and moved in with him a few months later. I'm 42 now and it still hurts sometimes.
My mother cheated on my dad when I was around 4, and around that age (VERY young) I figured out what sex was and I would see their messages together and sometimes cry at night, I figured me and my father weren't special to her, but then she had my two other siblings and I figured that they were done right? No, oh, and another thing, they weren't doing the cheating like taking her out at restaurants, or hanging out at the park, no, they were doing the kind of cheating like pulling up at a parking spot and literally have sex in the car, they continued seeing each other and I just didn't have the courage to confront her about it, now all I'm doing is waiting it out until I'm old enough and finish my studies so I can move out and leave that infidelity behind.
Yep. This happened with my Mom and Dad after 30 years of marriage. My Dad never said anything bad about my Mom cheating, but it still has an affect on all of us kids after years. Right now we all have good relationships, but it did come after apologies and years of different behavior. I echo what some other people are saying, maybe do a video for kids on how to respond to it. Going to therapy has helped, but refreshers are good!
Haven't spoken to my father in 19 years. If he'll treat my mom like that, he'll treat me bad too. Different bad, but bad. Cause the kind of person that can do that is capable of plenty more.
I just found out that my father is cheating on my mother. When I was having dinner with him, he took pictures of the food and he had never done before. Then I asked him "Why are you taking picture of the food?" He said, "I send it to your mom." Actually, I had asked him this question a several times before and he just kept silence never respond but I know he was hiding something. All I want is he could realize and stop this ridiculous thing and I could still pretend like nothing happened. But today the words he said just totally disgusting. Finally, he lost my trust and my respect. I would never forgive him.
the wound is real. This happened when I was 8, and all I heard were lies, not even a shifting of blame. Huge arguments before and after, I was simply too young to witness it. It’s definitely affected my personality and mindset down the line.
I hear you. I found out my mom was cheating when I was 13. It messed up my relationships for years. How does it affect you?
@@outgrowinfidelity apologies for the late one,
it took me growing up to realise the multi-faceted effects it had on me. I’d also like to stress that my parent’s infidelity is just a component of my bad childhood but I think it.
1. Created severe anxiety for myself. I have always had sweaty hands and am paranoid of unlikely events.
2. Distrust towards others. I never believed women in my life were being loyal to me, etc. I realise now I was using my parents toxic marriage to be a poor partner.
3. Victim mentality and self indulgence in poor behaviours. I still struggle with the substance abuse.
4. Resentment towards family. No matter how my father may treat me now, I’ll always remember how he left me with a super high fever to go cheat on my mother lol. Also the years where he lied saying he didn’t cheat and the other side of my family saying he was lying, it made me distant from all of them. Not everyone deserves to be parents and I will always stand by that
I’m quite a bit younger than you, hopefully I can sort it out soon…
@@outgrowinfidelity hope you’ve recovered too
I have a friend who found out about her dad's affair 14 years later after it happened. The dad's excuse was: "You were a very sensitive child who got sick a lot, that was too much to handle". They told her about that the year she was finally happy (she was dealing with low-self esteem way before finding out), embracing her true self, handling two jobs, and being in a nice relationship. She was 21 at that time, so sad to see how finding out affected her and changed her vibe.
She's doing better now, she's 26 and still learning a lot about relationships and life itself. We're still friends, thank god she didn't cut me off during her sad period, I never left.
U deserve a lots of respect dear...
Finding friends like you is really like .....❤❤
My mother cheated on my dad when I was around 4, and around that age (VERY young) I figured out what sex was and I would see their messages together and sometimes cry at night, I figured me and my father weren't special to her, but then she had my two other siblings and I figured that they were done right? No, oh, and another thing, they weren't doing the cheating like taking her out at restaurants, or hanging out at the park, no, they were doing the kind of cheating like pulling up at a parking spot and literally have sex in the car, they continued seeing each other and I just didn't have the courage to confront her about it, now all I'm doing is waiting it out until I'm old enough and finish my studies so I can move out and leave that infidelity behind.
My dad wasn't a good husband - he drank and was anti-social, but he desperately loved my mom. My mom, who I imagine wanted to be with someone who wasn't drunk most of the time, ended her last(?) affair in 2011 when my dad found out. They didn't divorce, but my dad, yes, started trying to use my sister and me as therapists. He also drank more, ate less, lost his job, gained a significant amount of weight... He had already struggled with anxiety and depression, but the affair cost him his will to live. He didn't die by suicide in the way we normally think of it, but he was dead two years after he discovered the affair.
Within 5 months of his death, my mom introduced her new boyfriend (not the guy she had the affair with), and I've always suspected that their relationship started before my dad died. I can sympathize with my mom's choices in some ways, but I haven't been able to shake the idea that she's to blame for my dad's early death. I love my mom, but I've definitely lost a lot of respect for her, and I do hate her boyfriend, but mostly because he's a homophobic, transphobic POS.
The whole thing put a big wedge in my relationship with my mom, and I've spent the last 9 years mourning my relationships with both of my parents.
Cheating involves lying, manipulating your family's perceptions of reality. You and your spouse should agree together on your relationship structure. It should be monogamous or not, but you have to agree. And if your marriage is open, there has to be agreement also about what that looks like. If you can't agree or if one of you unilaterally goes rogue, such as cheating, the effects will be toxic. You have to be honest. If you no longer feel the agreement you have is working for you, ask to renegotiate. Don't lie and cheat.
Wonderful message!! Shame it's 27 years too late for my father to hear (not like he'd ever admit fault for anything). But I do hope people learn this lesson before making this kind of mistake in life, and have said mishap follow them for decades after.
I'm the bitter proof that the child from a failed marriage will NEVER forgive an unfaithful parent for their actions, especially if said parent tries to weaponize their kids after a divorce against their previous lover.
Kinda agree. Unfortunately, my grandfather died not being forgiven.
I'm still crying about it, it has been 5 Years, I'm almost 30, and I always feel dumb about it
Thanks for commenting this, it makes me feel less crazy. My dad cheated on my mom for the second time, different woman, when I was 15. He ended up staying with said woman. My sister and I don't like her and our relationship with our dad got all screwed up. He never apologized or admitted fault, more so demanded we forgive him and make excuses and justify his actions. This was 23 years ago. I almost seemed to get more angry about it as time went on, not less. I have the life experience and ability to understand now that I didn't when it first happened. My dad passed away in November, and I guess anger came first out of the grieving process. The fact of the matter is, he put this woman before everyone. She always came first. I found some old e-mails today from like seven years ago where he was writing that my sister and I never call or visit. Well, he moved into her house, so we never felt comfortable going there. He really didn't give much thought to how it would affect me or my sister, just though of himself. At the end of the day, having an affair is a coward's way out of a relationship. Can't even be bothered to end your current relationship properly before you have someone else lined up because you're too scared to be alone. If my dad was here, to this day he would insist he did nothing to his kids, only his ex-wife. Taking responsibility for his mistakes wasn't something he was capable of doing. Very selfish. My point is, thanks for saying it still upsets you after 27 years. It has been 23 years for me and I find it still affects me, no matter how many times I was screamed at to "GET OVER IT!"
@@captainnemolostintheocean1652 Don't feel dumb. It's normal.
On one hand I don't think I have heard many psychologist talk about infidelity. On the other hand, even then I can tell that you speak like I would hear it often.
I LOVE integrity. I prefer truths, even if they're a bitter pill to swallow. It's empowerment to make informed decisions.
That's why I love how you talk to - and about - people who were unfaithful to their partner and family.
You don't sugar coat and say the truth. At the same time, you have regard for people being lost, flawed and inconsistent and making a mess. I see you reaching out, because it can give people a chance to redirect themselves in time. Or to "get back on the horse" by taking ownership, taking responsibility and getting to work in re-forging integrity.
Integrity being the cup to hold respect, regard, capacity for being a part of a society that gets better, the more of us work on our cups (for whatever reason).
It's about us cracking our cup open and then eventually getting confused why everything starts to leak through our fingers. Strangely enough, survivors and offenders suffer that very same damage in most cases. Eventually not noticing what they did or what they suffered , but somehow there's always water on the floor and oddly enough it starts to be more difficult to move and/or there's sudden slip ups. Some struggle to notice what's going on till they're at the brink of drowning or already drowning.
Kintsugi was introduced on this channel. Mending the broken cup with gold. Eventually even receiving a cup that is even more precious and capable than before.
So often, I see people flaunting disregard towards people they once cared for and justifying their own misguided actions. And yet, that alone is like flaunting to the world, how the price is "cannot be trusted".
Trust is like the spine of anything social. Tempering with it comes at an incredible price we all end up paying every day. It shows. If you wouldn't mess with your spine for it, don't do it. If yours took damage already, then please stop and tend to it, before you end yourself with things like sudden outage of limbs or worse.
I found out my mom is cheating. She texts a guy. She met him 4 months ago. Everything used to be fine before she met him. She’s using her phone so much now. I’m still a minor. This is affecting my studies.
Right now, accross the hall, my parents are fighting again.
He lied about something, she believes he is hiding things again and I'm so so tired.
My aunt called me this noon, she heard something and apparently she now wants to talk with me about it; I don't wanna even think about what it might be.
A year ago my mom found out he cheated on her for eight months, he got covid from the woman and infected all if our family; he almost died because of it, my mom almost died because of it, my siblings could have DIED and to think that now things are indicating that he is lying again, that he did not care about that, that he does not care that he *will* loose us if that happens again. I don't even know how to feel.
In my family money is not exactly "abundant" and neither of my parents are great at saving money so I usually saved what I could from birthdays, christmas, etc. to have a bit of extra money in case it was needed. Some times for things like groceries or taxis, or something like that. If they really needed it and I had enough I would give them all I had for payments they must do or other things. Its supposed to be borrowed but from time to time they would pay me less than what I gave them or completely forget and not pay me at all. I did not mind, I really did not care, I was happy to help. But later I found out that he had used a bunch of money that I gave him (almost all my savings from the year) and gave it to that woman. I do not know for what, I do not want to know, but suddenly I cared and I cared too much. I vould have used that money for buying books I have wanted for so long, I could have buyed a tshirt or a hoodie (maybe even more than 1), I could have used it to buy my siblings and mom a pizza and ice cream or take them to a restaurant they like. Fuck I could have used it to buy something for _him_ , as a gift. But he took it from me, from my family because he knows damn well my money is everyone's, and use it outside. And is not only the money, during those 8 months he sweared on us, my siblings and I, that he would never, _never_ , cheat on my mom. I had never felt so used, so unloved, so unworthy, so unvaluable, as I did on the moment I knew what he did. I don't want to feel that again. I'm scared, I'm tired, I'm angry even, and fuck I still love him but I want him to stop hurting my mom and my siblings so bad. I want him to just go away if he is not willing to actually change and do it quickly because we have had enough. Even before all of thus he had already done horrible stuff but this it was just a clear "I don't love you". I just want to be able to heal before facing even more things. I'm tired.
INTEGRITY MORALS and TRUST are EVERYTHING
My mother had stroke in 2012, and i found out in 2014 that my dad had been having affair since mom got stroke cuz she couldn't have sex with him anymore. When i found out, he told me, to this day, the worst thing anyone could possibly say to me, and that was: You don't want your mom to die of stroke cuz she relapses from your words (about the affair) do you?. He was ready to blame me, if mom finds out, and if mom dies. I had paradigm shift, he was no longer someone i respect, not even now. His words, his morals, his deeds, everything disgusts me and i just wanna slap a billboard on his head saying "Hypocrite" on it. My mother did ask whether my dad has a new woman to me, and i wished God would take my life then and there. For 3 years after her death i tortured myself physically and mentally for not supporting my mother enough for being just as horrible as him because i kept the affair a secret--in fear that she'd die of relapse. The happier they got as family, the quicker my siblings call that slut Mother, the more intense i torture myself. Because it didn't feel right. They shouldn't be happy, they don't deserve it, i contributed to this, i made this possible, if i should live my life in torture to atone then so be it, as i let my mother die in torture. If i eat, i vomit it all out. If i sleep, i set alarm every 30 minutes so i could never get good sleep. At some points i'd even bite and hit myself each time i forgot to torture myself mentally. Repeat for 3 months, the cart i've been trying so hard to push finally moved on its own. I couldn't swallow food, i'd always wake up with panic attack, even forgetting where i am though it's my own room, i didn't realize that i was biting myself even in public as biting had become a habit. It got worse to the point i was actually terrified of what i have created. I remember waking up on grass on my pajamas. i have gaps in my memories.. that's when i want it to stop. I didn't have any therapist because my father says it's only for "crazy people". Little did he know that i had become one. A year of torture, took 3 years of healing on my own. Not many are lucky or capable to do it. If you love your child, don't have affair. I'm one of the lucky ones.
Oh my god I am so, so sorry your father's actions and words caused you so much harm. You didn't deserve that and neither did your mother!
Omg I’m sorry you had to go thru this 😢😢 please see a therapist have someone to talk to. I myself I’m having panic attacks over my husbands affair 😢 he doesn’t even know I know about it. I read the massages everyday 😢 I file for divorce ans I’m still waiting for my lawyers to getting out of the house 😢
Oh, my goodness. Honey, it is not your fault. The blame and everything you are torturing yourself with belong to your dad. It is his fault 100%. He will reap what he has sows. You need to take care of you and learn to love yourself the way your mom would want you to and for yourself. Forget him and his lying ways. The Lord says “Vengeance is mine”
You know what, the point made about taking accountability as a parent for infidelity I think actually made a huge difference in my life as a child of a parent who cheated. My mom cheated on my dad and got pregnant, they eventually divorced, she gave birth to my sister, and years later she married the man she cheated with (my sister's father). I think I had a difficult time accepting the other man (they eventually divorced after he cheated on her, go figure), but that is also largely due to many other problematic aspects he brought into the family and how he has treated my sister. As far as my mom is concerned, she has always been EXTREMELY regretful of her decisions and has always said it was the worst decision she has ever made (leaving my dad). According to her, my dad refused to sign divorce papers up until she gave birth to my sister because he was still trying to make the marriage work, but my mom felt too guilty--my dad was too good for her. She knows and accepts that she did something wrong, and she has always been open about that fact with me and my siblings, and while I think it was an immoral action I don't hold it against her as a person and as my mother.
I grew up in a family with a cheating father, and now I'm also living in one.
I'm trying so hard to stay together and act really well as if everything is great in front of kids like my mom did her entire life, but it gets tough sometimes. I have another respect for my mom… she still thinks I don't know, but it slipped out of my dad’s mouth when he came out of surgery and was under the influence of anesthesia.
I will never tell my mom that I know, not letting her sacrifice to become useless
That's a really hard secret to keep. Is it hard on you?
I was home when I was little for my mom's affairs, 2 different men. I tried to tell my dad what was happening. I got my butt beaten. I held on to my mom's secret and, being home for her acts, I held on for 12 years, and I am 32 now it STILL affects me. My mother's reason she deserves happiness. I told her everyone deserves happiness.
I really wish she could say sorry but she's always right. But both parents were toxic in many other ways. I can't let it go yet. I am in therapy for many trauma because I am struggling alone
My dad cheated on my mom about 8 months ago. I try to avoid talking to him in any way possible. Since I'm an adult it's easier but he still comes to my family home to get my kid sisters on the weekend. He brings his mistress to pick up my sisters and it pisses me off. He still pretends not to know why I don't talk to him. I don't like how he discusses these things with the older sister. She says he misses me but I know that's one of his tactics. I have to accept that we will never be family again. Not like how it used to be. He proposed to his now-fiancee two months ago. My parents have only been divorced for three months. He says he wants to try for a baby with her. When he left he said he wanted to be free and not have to be responsible for a family. His fiancee has 4 children one of them is a ten yo lives with them. I will never understand my dad. I choose to let it go. Sometimes It hurts every now and then but I'm happy I gave up on him. I'm proud I made it this far. I'm glad my mom left him. When she tried to fix their marriage I had less respect for her. I know that's judgy but I'm being honest. It took a lot to be where I am now. My healing is really starting
if the mistress ever tries small talk just respond with "I'm sorry who are you again?" every single time you have to see the witch also don't show up at the wedding if he cares in any way that will hurt him.
Please put yourself first and take care
He ain’t a men he will regret it. Maybe not today since it’s a honey moon stage but he will.
Love the message! Something I wish you would cover in addition to this, is when parents split and the other person is no longer in the picture. So single parents and dealing with their kids (dealing with their own emotions and kids emotions)
My mother caught my father cheating , she was devastated . Later that day I discovered those chats and I was heartbroken . And later I caught my mom having an affair also . I was 14 or 15 at that time I didn't know what to do . I never confronted my father but confronted my mother she beat the s**t out me and left me crying . She didn't felt guilty .also at that time I was bullied as well , I craved for attention as all of my friends have some type of boyfriends or crush but I was rejected by my crush all the time . I craved for attention all the time . I was not soo close to my father soo I never confronted him . But my mother later said she stopped having an affair but it was a lie . Later I caught her 4 5 times chatting with that guy . When the last time I caught her she was angry at me for being immature and acting out . My mother and father are still together but I still have trust issues . Like if they are talking to other guy or girl I want to kill the latter . Really I am a highly sensitive person and it really hurts me , I have moved on but I cry out whenever I think about those things . I never want to be in relationship because of this. I have a younger sister and I don't want her to know anything about this and have trauma throughout of her life. I came to this video to help with my anxiety but cried my heart out when I realized it's okay to have those feelings it's okay to be not be grateful all of the times .
My father cheated on my mother multiple times when i was a teenager. I would never cheat, and It made me loath cheating. Then my wife cheated on me. Needless to say, it was very traumatic to go through. Cheating is an evil act.
This spoke to me. Recently I was told that my mom had cheated on my dad with her high school ex because her friend convinced her to. I’m not going to get into it but this caused me so much anxiety and pain after the divorce. She kept not coming home some nights when I was young and I was oblivious. She said that she was going to “a friends house”. I now know it was more than a friend.
Maybe send this to her?
my dad cheated on my mum when i was 11, i still remember really vividly when my mum told me and i said to her ‘this wasn’t supposed to happen to us’ i was so confused. my parents are still together, they fight a lot but we never talk about it anymore. she used to use it against him in arguments in front of me and my sister saying ’why dont you go and live with her and her kids i bet they’re amazing’ which was really upsetting for me. i still feel like i wasn’t enough for my dad. they made up the first time and then my mum found out he was in contact with the woman again. i really struggle with trusting people now. i still wonder if he is still in contact with her or if he still sees her. i will always feel betrayed
I am really devastated
I found out that my mom is cheating on my father
Then....when I asked about this she told me that my father used to cheat on my mother frequently and used to not care for her... then eventually he changed a little bit and stopped cheating and trying to be nice
He never try to understand my mother
Now......I don't know what to do
I am angry on both and myself for making this as excuse for not focusing on my preparation
This is affecting me and my studies
My mom just done this to my dad. Cheated on him. After 23 years. My sister read her messages and knew about it for months now and blurted out out yesterday. I had my suspicions but didnt want to say anything because I didnt want to cause issues incase iw as just being paranoid. I knew she was doing it but I was in denial.
I was so close to my mom, she was like me friend I told her everything. I even told her when the first time I tried vaping, tried weed, had sex for the first time. I trusted her with my life and she knew every last thing about me. Now I can't even see myself talking to her again and it really hurts man. I cried yesterday so hard I had a panic attack :(
Can you do a video on how to help the kids deal with this? My 13 year olds Dad cheated on her Step Mum and she’s feeling all these things
My mother had two very public affairs..resulting in an addition to the family...it absolutely destroyed us. We felt ( and were told on a regular basis ) that we were in her way. My father was too quiet, and she made dirt of him. On top, extreme violence from her, regular beatings, from her. Poverty and plain dirt. Minimum housework done..it was dreadful. I can honestly say it affected all of us, and she created division between the siblings that ran into adulthood...wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy...
I'd say 90% of my friends who had an affair started with an emotional one (that need for being loved and wanted)
My father slept around, and considered it him answering his needs: that men have 'needs', and he was a man, and he could gratify them if he didn't get gratified at home. So he blamed my mother, to me, for not sexually satisfying him. And the last one called to the house., to talk to my mother. He honestly stopped being a 'parent' at that stage, I have no expectation of him at all. I don't think he noticed, he still considers himself the man, the one who should never be anything other than the top of the pile. It is his movie, and he is always the hero.
This is happening to me now. They will shift the blame on you. Yet won’t take accountability of the adult they are and that is was all a choice they made.
This exactly happened with me with my mom I don't know what to do please help
My husband started his relationship with his mistress while we're married. Then introduce my kids to his mistress. Not even 5 months after moving out, it was the worst thing that he could ever do.
I know my kids watch him. Have these intimate moments as they hide up in their room at his house. Hes chosen her over him. And that's the only explanation for that's the only way you can see it, and there's no explaining yet. Try to explain that to him, but it doesn't matter, hes gonna do it..
Wow, I never realized cheating was so hard on the kids, but it makes sense.
My family growing up was destroyed by my mother's obsession with having multiple affairs. Eventually we were told that she had narcissistic tendencies and had put all of my family through her abusive behaviors. I have 2 sisters and my one sister and I have already gone no contact with her because of all of this. I want her to get better but after things repeating for so long I have lost hope for this.
❤
I really appreciate this video, especially your comment that restoring a relationship with a child (of any age) is really challenging after an affair. It does mean taking ownership and spending many years working to rebuild trust. So few therapists speak about how infidelity effects children so thank you.
I’m 25 and as son I have that problem I have resentment for my father he and mom obviously are divorced, I have some conversations with him from time to time but he always bring up “I do whatever I want” seems like he won’t like to change his ways and that’s when anger take control over me, I definitely want a normal /conservative relationship in the future ! I won’t like to deal with the future problems !
i’m 17, only child about to leave to college soon. i’ve had my suspicions that my mom is cheating on my dad for a while, but i always kind of brushed it off cause i didn’t want to believe it. recently, i saw her texting a guy (one of my old friend’s dad) who she’s clearly having an affair with based on how they talk to each other. obviously i’m not sure what to do, and i just hate her so much right now because from what i’ve seen all my life my parents have never had problems and they look happy. i’m tempted to confront her about it and go off on her but i know that’s not the right thing to do. i just want her stupid actions to be exposed. it just sucks so much to know what she’s doing but i still have to treat her like she’s not ruining our family. at this point i’m just yearning to move out to not be around her anymore, and i don’t plan on visiting often even if she gets mad cause she doesn’t deserve to spend time with the family she clearly doesn’t think about risking. i’m just so lost :(
It's the duplicity, right? That you can see what is going on and no one else does. It hurts a lot. You are right I think to focus more on yourself and college. It is unlikely that you will be able to help your parents' relationship. They are the only ones who can do that. I am sorry you have to go through this,
Tell your father, if you don't you are no better than your mother
my dad cheated on mom. It’s difficult because I’ve never seen him express any remorse about it or apologize. I think I had a lot of repressed feelings about it. When he cheated on my mom, I was still in high school I was 16, and I think I supressed it tried to forgive him bc my parents stayed together, I thought one day he will apologize. But he still hasn’t, and in fact the signs are there that he’s still cheating on her. And honestly I can’t trust him anymore, can’t even talk to him. I tried to think what’s happening to me but it’s those repressed feelings coming out. I talked to him last year that if he’s still cheating I’m never going to agree with that although we his kids forgave him in the past. It hurts me as daughter, he was my hero. I don’t even know what to do with these feelings. I just hope I can move away, that way at least I don’t have to pretend I’m fine.
As someone his mom is cheating on their dad you really helped me
I think better than waste your years living in resentment and having a cloud over your head each time your see your partner mood change.
Better move on, focus on yourself and start fresh with a mature person.
Having clean break up much better than continue living with a cheater, but this is my personal take on a situation and this is how I’m going to teach my kids.
Relationships aren’t guaranteed to work out and we can’t control what other people do.
Everyone is teaching you how to make it work but no one is teaching you how to end dysfunctional relationship.
Continue working on unworkable you are preventing yourself from living life the way you want to live it and there is so much more to life other than marriage.
I think the other spouse should hold off on trashing cheating parent to a kid.
The only thing you can do is to tell them the truth when they are older but don’t go out of your way to bash the other parent.
If the parent takes 50% responsibility, coparenting, pays support they are already contributing. Speak to a professional if you have to, act in the interest of the children and continue living your life.
My dad had a few, and I saw the pain it caused,at 14 I was my mums therapist basically, but now I have a terrible block all men shouldn't flirt with women outside their marriage,I become preachy and l feel let down there's no decent men . So cheating hurts everyone.
My father cheated on my mom almost 20 years ago and as an 8 year old child my first though was that it was because of me because all I knew about what dad did at the time was that that's how families were made so my 8 year old brain understood was that "daddy was not happy with me so he decided to start a new family" and from that my father and I were always distant. When mom took him back I felt betrayed because we had a great life without him then the son of a bitch died before I became old enough to actually have a conversation with him about his actions.
Would love your input on this. A dad broke his marriage over a younger woman. Also got arrested for hitting his wife in front of kids before leaving the family. Then started a new relationship, forced children to spend weekends with new girlfriend, kids got close to her and now love her, call her stepmom. Then dad cheats on stepmom with same younger woman he broke marriage the first time. Now dad is mentally trying to manipulate oldest child, the daughter, saying his new relationship won’t work unless she accepts woman, that he deserves to be happy, and he knows his other 2 sons will do what the oldest daughter decides. Can you comment on it if possible? This is causing them a lot of anxiety and mental issues. Thank you in advance. Now kids feel like father has broken hearts of 2 women they love, mom and stepmom. They got close to stepmom and now slowly they feel that relationship will fade.
this is devastating. obviously the dad doesn’t want to change. i grew up with cheating all around me. my mom has been drug through the mud time after time. and the men that cheat, they don’t really change. they don’t appreciate what they have, they worry about what they don’t. the dad needs to understand the example that he’s setting for his kids, the issues that come with it. i have borderline personality disorder now and major trust issues. the oldest daughter shouldn’t do what the dad wants her to do, she needs to do what’s best for her and stay away from it. in the moment it may not seem like it’s affecting you as much as you think, but it will completely change your perspective on love. i always think someone’s going to abandon me or do me dirty. the dad could’ve just got a divorce, avoided this whole situation. but he didn’t, if they really want to do something they will. and the dad wanted more than what he had. let it get in the way of his family, but he didn’t think about that. he didn’t think about his kids or the relationship he had with them. she should also understand this, forgiving him ; he will think that means it’s ok. he will just do it again and think he’ll be forgiven. they get used to being forgave that’s the problem. the Bible speaks a lot about adultery. i’m an only child so when my mom got cheated on it hurt me so much, (she even told him about being cheated on before) it was just me and her thru the struggles. but she has siblings, people to look out for. i hope whoever you are talking about gets the awnsers she needs. Prayers🙏 if you aren’t religious i apologize.
My Dad had an affair and involved me (his daughter) in his lies and deceit when I was 10. How does this affect my long term romantic relationships with men as a woman now? How does this affect my relationships with women? My whole life I felt like I’ve had internalized misogyny. Wonder if it stemmed from my male family members showing me early on in life, that it was ok to disrespect women and treat them like objects.
It has such long term consequences. If you are a reader, check out the book Wild Game by Adrienne Brodeur. She was rolled into her mom's affair in a super crazy way. It might help you feel less alone.
@@outgrowinfidelity
Thank you for sharing this book.
when he still lived with us, my father had a ton of affairs. he'd even bring people into our house sometimes and tell us to stay in our rooms. each and every one of us has been aware of it since we were all little kids, and our mom knew too. see, he's always been "the villain" and didn't seem to care that what he did would affect us in any way.
except it doesn't feel like it did? like i genuinely do not care at all about his cheating, and neither does my mother, according to her. it doesn't seem to have affected me or my siblings in any readily noticeable way. is it possible it has and we just aren't aware of it ?
Thank you so much for this video! I thought for years that I was overreacting, and now I know: It's not my fault why I can't trust my mother anymoer.
My mother cheated on my father 17 years ago, and even more worse: the person she had an affair with was my uncle! The husband of my father`s sister. They are married now, and I had to live with them 7 years, what was a complete nightmare, because my uncle/ stepdad is a narcist and controlfreak. I got punished almost every day because he thought I was lying to him in almost everything, what was complete bullsh*it. Until today, she claimes that they hadn't slept toghether before she finished of the relationship with my father. But my brother, me, her sister and half of my familie know that she is lying. They met each other several times without telling anyone. She tangled herself in a web of lies which doesn't make any sense, and isn`t even clever enough to remember her own stories, contradicting herself over and over again. Also, she is such a manipulativ person. She really nails the victim role, masterly playing the crocodile tears-card, and in that way succeded in letting my father standing there as the bad guy for years. A long time, I was too naive and had a too soft heart to understand this.
I'm 30 years now, and I have nearly zero trust and zero respect for my mom left. I'm not blaiming her for falling in love with another man, but they destroyed two families, and we, their children, aren't even worth the truth for them. Also, she watched for 7 years while my stepdad took control over everything that affected me, how he stole my money, punished me for nothing, and didn't gave me the possibility for private sphere. She even helped him sometimes, playing the victim role after I confronted her... To be honest, I despise my mom. I had to go a long way to be able to trust any other person again and had to goto therapy because of anxieties and depressions. Even today, what she did hurts like hell for me. I'm very lucky and I have a wonderful husband, I'm with him for almoust 10 years now. He showed me how to trust again, and luckely, he knows how to deal with my insecurities, helping me to work on them, and he is very empathic. But I fear I will never be able to trust my mother, and never getting rid of the pain she and my stepdad caused.
Thats almost exactly what happened to me, except she didn't get into a relationship with my uncle. I really don't know how they could do that, it's absolutely disgusting
Man my dad for Years abused me and my mother made us feel like we not Wirth anything only to find his been sleeping with his best friends wife, it was just the nail on the coffin for me to never care for this man again 💔
My mum had an affair. She divorce my dad during it. It smashed our family. I lost my relationship with my sister as we were forced to take sides. My mum turned my sister against her dad.
My relationship with my mum is almost gone. I took over my mum's role and give up my 20s to look after my dad until he died.
All I wanted my mum and dad talked. I wanted my mum to try but she did not.
i’m never going to respect him again
My father left when I was three, my step father was with us from a little after that to last June. He cheated 6 years ago, got therapy, and we forgave him. But he cheated again last year. Me and my mother haven’t been the same since. It doesn’t help that he’s incredibly manipulative and psychopathic.
I was a kid when my mom had an affair she sign papers and gave me to my dad. Because of what she did she lost her job the way her family thinks about her. It took a long time for me to forgive her. Now my parents are friends and I have a great relationship with my mom. It maybe not the one I wanted but it works.
If your reading this, please don’t do something that’ll hurt your kid or yourself. Please take from the kid’s view point.
My dad cheated on my mom my whole life. I was always confused if I should confront him or tell my mom. I had to move back home in my mid twenties got a little liquid courage and confronted him. He ended up just leaving and not saying where he went until weeks later. Now I’m in my mid thirties he’s married to the woman he cheated with. It really fucked me up especially around holidays or funerals etc. I simply can’t be around his wife there is no telling what would happen. The thing that sucks most is not being able to be around MY family without being around her.
Shoot, I found that when I was 11 that my dad was a serial cheater. And he’s married to my mom. He just had at least one other person at any moment. And he’s a church elder so he’s deciding on the fate of church members who are doing the same thing, and preaches blah blah. And he NEVER admitted it. Ever. Alley alone apologize. Every couple years or so he sends a message requesting a blank slate without even acknowledging anything. And everyone is looking at me like I’m the drama queen because I don’t just go along with the story.
I only had 2 exes and they never cheated. However, my father did many times which is disgusting and really affected me in how I deal with my relationships. I was jealous and always wanted to be in control of my partner.
I am already working on healthy attachments and healthy love slowly.
Im the product of both my parents cheating on their spouses. The dad i grew up and he knew. I sure didnt look like his 2 older kids. I grew up feeling like my life was off , a lie... just a mess
any thoughts on how to respond to the unfaithful parent's new significant other (their original affair partner) after your parents' divorce?
This is spot on. I’ve seen it in a lot of cases.
I feel broken from it. I officially found out just over a year ago that my dad cheated…but I knew before because I walked in on him trying to buy sex I think. I was 10. And now in my current relationship, I feel terrified of betrayal. My partner showing any signs of attraction to someone makes me panic and want to run and hide, even though he is a great man and loyal. I love my dad, but I hate that he did this. It completely ruptured my sense of what long term love and commitment is
My wife of 12 years was sleeping with her co worker for months. I hated telling my 10 & 7 year old daughters that we split up. I'm so broken.
Thank you so much 😭😢 I so hard to compose the words because it hurts so much
yeah, this😓😞
My dad cheated on my mom when i was around 3 and my sister was 14, he divorced her and married that woman and i have no idea for how long cause we don't remember her..
Again both me and my sister did not know this until recently as my mom started talking about it more, but honestly it has fucked us over more than we initially thought.
My sister don't remember her whole childhood and teen years so she dosen't recall much about the divorce and that time. And i never knew why my parents divorced because my mom and dad was so great at keeping the tone and piece at celebrations and when he dropped me off from my weekend visit.
But i have also been told by my mom and sister (my sis choose to live with dad) that my sister came home to us and slept quite often as she was scared of being alone at home when my dad had night shifts, I do not recall my sister coming home to us, in fact i told people i was an only child because i never saw her and i cannot recall her being there even at my birthdays or at Christmas so my mind has prob also blanked out some things from that time..
Thank you for this insightful post. Could you please do another version of this without the movie clips? I request this earnestly.. My father keeps asking why we won’t allow him into our lives. He never admitted to or acknowledged his constant affairs, physical and emotional abuse at home. He wants to now have a relationship with his adult children and wants to use us as his social security in his old age. I’m a Christian and I feel so burdened by God’s command to honor our parents while finding it impossible to have a relationship with a parent who minimizes and who pretends to be completely oblivious to the damage he has caused. I want to send this video as a response to his importunate requests for a renewed relationship but I find it so difficult to articulate all the pain while being constantly gaslighted..
So, please put out another video that doesn’t seem to make light of this deep seated hurt. Thank you
Hello, did you send him the video? I’m in an extremely similar situation as yours, also wanting to send the video to my dad and all, tho in my case besides removing the movie bits I’d also add spanish subtitles (my family’s mother language) if you still want to, I could edit it out and send it to you
My mom had an affair when I was only a year old. I was never sure why I had so much hostility towards her but when my dad told me what she had done to him and us I felt so betrayed. He had been working two jobs to support her lifestyle and me being welcomed to the world. She cheated on him with a coworker of theirs and he was broken, had to go to therapy for years. He still has trouble talking about it 18 years later but he’s better now without her. I still don’t know how to feel about it but I haven’t told my mom I know and I’m not sure when I ever will. I am just trying to understand how she could do this to him. Did she never love him or was I a mistake between a marriage that she wanted so desperately to end.
Are you able to make a video about how a child of a parent who had an affair should move forward? Maybe the perspective from the child who started out angry at the parent and the child who came to that place later in life?
Today, mom told me about my dad’s affairs (yes not one or two) . My heart shattered to pieces and every piece shattered even more….. idk what to do or how to manage my emotions and the situation
Thank you, I saw a woman on tiktok defending her affair and I'm like... you sound DELULU lol
Yes but what do you tell kids who want to know why you are divorced? At some point or age it is every ok to be honest about divorce happening because of an affair?
My mother had an affair and blamed my dad . The damage she did to the family was incredible.
There's been no coming back .
going through the same thing. did you ever forgive?
My father was an abusive alcoholic to both me and my mother . He would always be ranting and raving saying she was a whore and a slut and would tell me as a child I would probably grow up and be just like her. I would feel so bad and scared for my mom. He would hit her and then started to accuse her of cheating with a white man and my mom would just tell me he was a crazy drunk . When I was 12 she gave birth to my sister and everyone could clearly see she was a mixed race child. Everyone but me. My mom told me some crazy story about us having American Indian in our family 🥴. I was a child and believed my mom . Even my friends laughed at me and told me but no.
Long story short we left my father when my sister was almost 2 after leaving him 3 times. Once after he left the house and threatened to come back with a gun to kill us. We spent the night in the car that night but actually came back that time.
Come to find out later my mom had an affair with her best friends husband. That woman’s husband actually helped get my dad a job where he himself work . Big company . My mom even took my sister over her friends house before so HE could see my sister. The real crazy part is that I have hated my father all of his life because of all the violence and fear not ever recognizing the pain and humiliation she put him through . Unfortunately he died in 2010. She had even laughed about tricking him. It really just dawned on me in the last few years how messed up she is. The whole experience altered my perspective about relationships. And I’m just really realizing this as an adult.
What would a person do if their parents were both divorced and remarried but the stepdad cheated on the mom and the mom chose to forgive the stepdad, and then the step dad became progressively more toxic and disrespectful towards the mother? My friend's mom wants her to be nice to her stepdad but she just doesn't like him. My friend is so scared of relationships because she didn't grow up around good relationships.
My daughter who is 33 years old and has been married 10 years. Just told me a few weeks ago she’s been having an affair for about a few years now. Some degree her husband is excepting it. And they agreed to stay together for the sake of the two kids to seven and four. Does she reading a double lie, they have family time together family vacations together holidays things like that come home, but on her days off and freedom she’s going out with the person she’s having a fair with going out to dinners traveling going to concert going to event having a fun life I suppose and I just think it even though they think maybe they’re helping the kids I agree with you that they’re pretending the kids are going to find out someday And that they didn’t work on their marriage to make it work and get a divorce set up a new life and then bring somebody else in heart. Heartbreaking to watch the kids think they have a great life right now the kids are young mommy and daddy love each other took him to a week in Canada. They stay at Walt Disney World, but yet she’s a different life. I don’t see how well my ex had an affair on me destroy your heart and your family. I don’t know how my husband can deal with it except she knows what it’s like to come from a divorce family and maybe that isn’t what he wants to have And I’m really shocked about my daughter and I can thousand miles away and my daughter want to speak to me and we haven’t really discussed anything because she just sent it to me to text that’s it I guess in her heart she knows that maybe you know, I’m not gonna approve of youbut I haven’t said anything anything that I should do and I’m sure they’re probably isn’t so I can’t help but wonder what I can do?
Not only is she having affair, but she’s decided she’s bisexual, and her affair is with a woman. And watching her lead a double life and knowing the kids don’t know and knowing that her husband is putting up with it as best as he can honestly, they seem like a happy marriage I know it sounds funny I’m not trying to they don’t even hardly ever argue. They really isn’t any tension in the house when I visit anyway But that said the kids are going to someday know that their mother cheated on their father and the marriage is going to end eventually I can’t imagine how this can end. Well she’s leading a double life and even though the husband knows the kids will someday no that their mother didn’t really love their father and they really don’t have a stable ground to stand on And she goes out and parties and enjoys her life. She’s having her cake and eating it too. I almost wish the husband would say you must make a choice if you want our family let’s see if we can work it out and if you don’t then divorce nothing good can come up this way. It doesn’t seem to me and I’m in agreement.
After 38 years my parents divorce and I found out it was because of multiple affairs on both sides that happened in the early years of the marriage.
They wanted to fix it but they let their anger get in the way and now I feel like their is a giant knot in my throat and I can’t breath.
As a child I felt it was my fault because one affair happened during the toughest time of my childhood. I was struggling making friends I had a weight problem and I was failing in math, and I thought if I hadn’t been so needy if I had been the kid that our neighbors were (A+ students, waking up at 5:30 am, on a sports team) that my parents wouldn’t have done with what they did.
What a great video. People should talk more about this.
My dad is currently cheating on my mom kinda have been for a while. They fight every day about now whenever they scream i tell my dad to stop and scream as hard as possible just to get his attention but he’s just like “oh son I’m sorry” and then he keeps on fighting but I ignore him I just really pray for them to stop I still don’t want them to divorce even though it is the best for them. But at the same time I want them to stay together, as 2 parents.
If you can't be a loyal monogamous partner, take the better road and either negotiate with your spouse to open the relationship consensually, or end the marriage and do the work on yourself to be able to have relationships going forward that are CNM/polyamorous.
Absolutely BE HONEST with your children about who you authentically are. They love you and trust you to care for them with highest integrity.