When Healthy Boundaries are Broken w/ Sola Oluborode
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- Опубликовано: 3 апр 2023
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Sola Oluborode's long time friend became her romantic partner after he initially passed the test of her healthy boundaries. But once they were official, he started treating her differently - and not in a good way. Sola realized that the quirks she saw in him while they were just friends, were actually toxic traits she later encountered. Listen to this episode and learn how Sola chose to do all the right things, being friends, setting boundaries, and yet still got into a hurtful and gaslit relationship.
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Guest Bio:
A native Detroiter of Nigerian descent, Sola Oluborode is an educator in neurodiversity, vocalist, artist, writer, and editor. She empowers children and adults through the development of literacy skills and supports Black-owned businesses around the world through design, composition, and content creation. Sola is passionate about celebrating Black people, culture, joy, and the Black aesthetic. As a woman with ADHD overcoming childhood and recent experiences of emotional abuse, Sola is committed to using her voice as an instrument of healing. Her favorite pastimes include succumbing to a lifelong sugar addiction, traveling, and gushing over beautiful images of Black people in yellow.
This podcast should not be used as a substitute for medical or mental health advice. Individuals are advised to seek independent medical advice, counseling, and/or therapy from a healthcare professional with respect to any medical condition, mental health issue, or health inquiry, including matters discussed on this podcast.
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Narcissists are everywhere and these days it seems like everyone has at least one in their lives! Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a licensed clinical psychologist, will help you spot red flags and heal from the narcissist in your life. Every Thursday, we will hear first-hand accounts from people who know this territory the best, the survivors.
New episodes weekly on iHeartRadio.
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A lot of narcissist are like fisherman.... like to hook you, reel you in, and toss you back once they get you to the boat
There are some women like that too. Which is why some men who grew up in a worship rite in which priests can marry end up converting to a worship rite which doesn't allow that only so they can continue adhering to their own set of values while they are trying to fit into a world which more and more encourages us to be giving up too soon when things are not working out. Leaving the members of their family and their friends too when they become Catholic priests after their former wife already moved on left to try and figure out why they did so or why at times they seem confused or acting unusual in response about some things on only the odd occasion which seems out of character for them which some people misconstrue as evidence of being gay or whatever. When nothing could be further from the truth about them. My advice is to look out for men who like to assume they are gay which is only them being cruel to a holy man while thinking they can get away with it.
Absolutely.... The day I said "I Do" was the beginning of my hell.... it was like it proved to him that he could get me.... Ok, now get lost and I'll make you miserable til you're gone.... I would leave him and he couldn't get me back fast enough ..... Again, to prove he could... This cycle repeated itself for 2 years until we divorced a month ago and you guessed it, he's trying to get me back.... Not happening!!!
It’s like these men have studied women and what they want and just play a part giving us a persona we want to see.
Too good to be true 😅
Many are broken, damaged and will never change.
Absolutely 💯,they have studied every woman in their lives /experiences including what they watch in the movies..Looking out for vulnerable people/women and children especially when they realise your Dad,mum,family and friends are no threat to them and they love a person that is disconnected with her family and lonely to love bombed..,😢
Also if you’re so thirsty of love,you can easily be love bombed by their fake overdose of special love attention…you will think it’s love but it’s dangerous
In addition some of them while having their eyes on us when we are surviving through the first narcissistic abuse situation are studying the situation only to discern what they might be able to get away with us too while they are already thinking judgmental thoughts about us too at the same time while they are feeling smug about being able to enjoy male privilege's and/or feeling angry about no longer at the time enjoying the same. That is only one reason as to why most women cannot move into another successful marriage too soon after signing any kind of divorce papers like men can more often. Since we women cannot choose how we are going to measure up to the norm when it comes to resilience, size etc. creeps can imagine a lot of things about how we managed to survive domestic abuse. Because of that I used to wonder why my mom sometimes said out loud she wished that she was not 6 ft. tall. Now I do understand it while being only 4 inches taller than average instead while not being able to explain fully to some men about what just happened to me or what happened to me in the past. A retired nurse warned me about that when saying I should only ever keep it simple by saying I have been through a lot. How practical is that as I get older while my old injuries are acting up more and more these days. No different than what the majority of women experience after reaching old age after a lot of us who have married someone older and more well established at the time who for awhile believed they were somehow wise enough not to ever get burned by a narcissist too after starting to date again. Because when it comes to males it is often true that only the good die young. Which of course is not to say that every man who has made it to old age is bad. However in our old age they are all the more harder to find.
As a 60 year old woman I so resonated with this story. In my early twenties I had a similar situation and was so love bombed, yet I knew it was wrong. Finally I found my voice and ended up getting a court order out on him (yeah he got abusive) . To cut the story short it made me stronger, wiser and have made great choices. Just celebrated my 33rd anniversary with the most amazing man. To get to this point took therapy and a desire to move on . There is still a remaining anger that I let myself became weirdly involved with an idiot. But I don’t dwell on this. Hopefully if someone watches this honest interview,and feels the same way, can find solutions to their situation. I wish I could have found this back when I was younger
So glad for your today's life❤
So much of what Sola said is carbon copy of the narcissist that I had in my life for 30 plus years. I’m happy that Sola was able to reflect in real time.
As I lay here with a heating pad on my upset stomach from yet another cycle of crap and disrespect. Losing sleep, losing hair, mentally and emotionally wiped out. I know what I need to do.
"The good moments were really just manipulation." That really hits home here.
How do we know though that the good moments were only manipulation? I'm truly trying to understand.
Thank you for sharing your story, 9 months out from a break up of almost identical story, down to details, timeline and “alternate persona”. Validating and healing. I feel so mistrustful of men. Listening to myself, my voice. Thank you.
❤❤❤❤😢
😂😢¹7th exhibition🎉
Same!
I'm starting to feel like we all dated the same guy at this point, I have the same exact story too!😭
Someone was complaining and I said, “Of course he did that! That’s what they do!!!”
Their is a spectrum of not so bad to vile - but the traits are the same - Amazing!!!
I have come to the conclusion that they are simply possessed by evil.
@doll.ov.poetrii4682 problem is.... there is so many of them around
My ex did these things to me. I didn't know what was going on till now. He told me once he met my neighbor she was hot and 55. Then Said later he was just messing with me. He is 53 years old. I remember looking at that text and thinking omg. This guy is clearly not what I thought the roses went away and my daughter had begged me to give him a chance in beginning. Yet she was one who saw the narcissim before I finally saw it. Don't let these people drag you down. He tried to ruin my relationship with my daughter. I found out he had been married 7 times. It is literally like a mini Hallmark Drama I wanted no part of. Finally blocked no contact he is onto next victim with occasional hoover the ten restricted calls ten in a row when I assume him and new supply are in a fight. It is like coming out of war with these people. Run and block. Thanks for this sharing this helped me see I was not crazy. Craziest part was on a trip to Puerto Rico he was literally next to me flirting with a lady next to me on the plane they love the shots to their ego.
7 times! Omg! That’s a lot of marriages. He was toxic for sure.
Happened to me twice, but in very different ways. I’m still trying to find healthy. I was committed both times to non committal controlling people. I was so far in by the time the control happened. Very different people too.
Thank you for sharing your journey Sola ❤ I'm so glad you ended it when you did. I learned that it's not uncommon for women with ADHD to find themselves in a narcissistic relationship. I was finally diagnosed with ADHD 3 years into a relationship with a man who has most of the characteristics of NPD. We have a son together and I mourn the impact that relationship had on him. 15 years later we divorced. It has taken me years to wrap my head around the whole thing, including why I willingly entered the relationship after seeing red flags.
I'm grateful it's over and he tries to be as good of a father as he is able to be. No contact was not the best option, I'm grateful he's a vulnerable narcissist as it has allowed me to view his actions words and behavior much more clearly without the false intimate relationship clouding my vision.
Wishing you healing, go live your best life!!
Im so glad to hear a woman speak on narc abuse and it is clear that she is smart, her self esteem is intact, and she asked questions...and yet, this still happened. I am so tired of people telling me that my marriage was my fault or that i have low self-esteem. I know who i am and i had no problem with going no contact.
This was refreshing to hear that a strong woman went through the same thing, and she also got out of it.
His self-centredness and how he looks to others really is glaring in all of this
Thanks for sharing. Mirrors my experience precisely- 3 years friendship before entering what turned out to be the most tempestuous relationship of my life. Red flags:Blame shifting, judgemental , projection, ridicule!
Was told I was the love of her life and just 8 weeks later was dumped to she could bed the younger guy at work (all my fault of course).
Now (from the calm of no contact) I thank her for teaching me the most painful yet important lesson of my life - how to sense a narcissist from miles away and just run from their sad pathetic self obsessed presence!!
What an intelligent young lady she is. I am impressed. She may think she "took too long", but, I think she was very quick in realizing the issues. She was very responsible and outspoken about what she saw and what she needed. I am proud of her !
Dr. Ramani was very, very good (as always) at pointing out the issues. Like a "tag team" approach! Lol !
Wishing this young gal the best !
Thank you for this. I am reminded of my last relationship. The push/pull; the hoop jumping; the instability. It wore
I agree! Twenty-nine years too late, I look back, and I wish I would have been as smart and intuitive as this young woman.
Sola is really good at articulating herself
She's a writer.
This podcast has a wealth of real life examples of red flag behaviors. 👏
omg! is there a narcissist playbook!! or a club!! I’m shocked how similar these behaviors are across the board
A clear sign that a friendship could take a turn for the worst is when someone is often assuming that the worst about us is probable true soon after they have heard some only gossip about us coming from someone else while there is no solid evidence that the gossip was true. The every now and then pattern with only flimsy sounding excuses as to why we haven't heard from them for awhile while acting flirtatious towards us again when they do is the first hint that something could be wrong in a growing friendship with the opposite sex. It is a wise woman who is not so impressed with their credentials when considering the advice coming from someone else to ask him for unpaid favors to help maintain our home or whatever.
My 12 year narc had that push pull thing going on like crazy. She confused the shit out of me and made me so crazy for so many years that I told her she was making my heart and my brain fight amongst themselves. It felt like someone was playing tug of war with me. That’s finally why I ended it.
This podcast is amazing, learning the patterns is soooooo enlightening,and Dr. Ramani you are an excellent interviewer
Dr Ramani
I love the table talks with the voice and photo...not physically invasive but yet still very personal.
🎉
I agree. It’s the intimacy of old, pre-internet radio, but with a visual of both people that is required for RUclips & is still a nice touch for those of us that do prefer the intimate conversation better yet are used to knowing what everyone looks like in today’s world. It’s perfect.
@@southbug27
Well said....
Omg, the arguing like an attorney was so what I went through. 12 years of exhaustion and crazy making and I gained 95 lbs during those 12 years.
Omgahhhh... The last 15 minutes.... I feel exactly the same. I'm 4 months removed and right when I feel like I'm getting out of the spin cycle of rumination. And bam, I'm sucked back in. I also reached out to a psychotherapist that specializes in EMDR..
But I hear her when she says. It's hard to convince yourself it was actual abuse. I try to tell myself, when I'm ruminating about the good times.... "Oh hey baby, I made this nice dinner for you, and want to make love to you... But you have to let me punch you in face and kick you in the balls after.".... I'm comparing it to physical abuse. It makes it more concrete
please dont do , Omgahhhh... its creepy.
@@That1grI? What is creepy?
👏🏾Congratulations for standing your ground and not having children for him… I have been there and gave up the pressure of having children when I wasn’t ready… and surely in my most vulnerable point, second month, discarded.
I'm only 20 minutes in but will stop to comment about using other names and compartmentalizing parts of their life. I did have conversations with someone who also tried to make it clear who he was and he would state his name repeatedly. I was not able to figure out the names of the other people however. There's only one other name that came up once or twice. However different age groups and personalities definitely came through. Also in his presence there was this remarkable, all-encompassing sense of safety and calm. It was like complete satiation and peace and calm and safety to the point I would not even be participating in the conversation. I was completely satisfied to be in hos presence and listen and pay all my attention to him. I only knew this person in passing.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
It's good you mentioned the physical part. People don't realize your body does strange things in toxic relationships. I didn't realize a few years later after the relationships until I heard about it. So much sickness, hives, rashes, etc... while in a horrible narcissistic relationship.
This is my story. I was friends with my exBoyfriend for 8 years.
He changed once our relationship changed. It lasted 5 months.
Judge people by your own experiences
Wow! Her situationship is like duplicated after mine! The only difference is that me and my narcissist ex were friends for 5(!!!!!) years before to get involved in a relationship. I don't know how I could be so blind
My ex used triangulation....he always talked ill of his ex gf. Then i realized he was the one that drove her nuts and i feel sorry for her. And also for that i fell for such a loser. Narcs are losers so thats why they still your light
Yes, they are losers!
I was with a narcissist 20yrs ago...she cheated, stole, abused me emotionally and then discarded me. The finale insult was me finding out our child wasn't mine...dna test.
After twenty year i bumped into her and immediately she love bombed me again.
Long story short, the trauma bombing was quick to come, then the inevitable discard.
This has left me feeling that my life force has been sucked from me.
The difference this time was i sussed her out and told her that shes narcissist and went no contact. Done deal.
However its not been easy and recovery takes time.
I am so grateful Dr R paused and spoke about love language, in my opinion is garbage!! That was awesome to hear her opinion which I so strongly agree.
No, i think Dr. R said that *her* love language was someone taking out the garbage. I need to re-listen to that part... i remember it caught my attn tho
I was friends or at least "vetted" every guy I dated and I can tell you for sure males are shape-shifters.
The narc ones are, for sure. Seems the good ones I know are also trapped in relationships with female narcs. 😂😅😮
Hardballing on the first meeting is essential. Weed out the bad apples asap.
Gr8 helpful conversation! We’ve all been had, w/ I want u , I love u, and more, then, once you’re into it, the “game” flips. If we’re looking for a person who wants commitment, and a double msg. Pops up, like i feel smothered, or I need more alone time,it’s TIME to get detached, cut our losses, & say good-byes. Most people can’t handle being loved.
Ah....approach- avoidance Been through that! I felt that SO many times with the Narc. ugh
Extraordinary... All the little bits, one by one, described... How sad yet enlightening. Thanks for sharing
My most recent marriage, he would say, "That's future Warren's problem" when he would shirk off responsibilities and spoke about 'little Warren' when referring to himself in vulnerable ways.
He spoke about him in the third person at times, and I thought it was weird & quirky (I am weird and quirky, so I liked it in that regard), but it always felt off.
Thank you for helping me see that it was dissociative and a type of compartmentalisation.
That makes a lot of sense!!
Such an amazing podcast!
So if I've been with a narcisstic type personality for 19 years (since I was 16) have two children with him and a house this might be a little rough to break off the relationship? Dammit.
Wow, this guy is a master manipulator!
The need to be seen and loved for who we are, but with narc parents narc relationships it's always conditional love. We twist ourselves into pretzels loose ourselves and the push pull is just pure stress and exhausting. They never have your back
The problem I had in recognizing narcissistic boyfriend is that he didn't love bomb I thought I knew all about it that they shower you in gifts and compliments but he was always mediocre I never got flowers I got clothes that he likes for my birthday I never got too many compliments just some nice gestures occasionally and I thought he can't be a narcissist but he is
Why not call Narcissists as Aggressive? THEY ARE TOO AGRESSIVE!!
Also cruelly mean. Disgustingly deceitful. Insanely vindictive. They have too many qualities)))..
Inappropriate is my choice but yeah!!
Thank you for sharing. This is exactly what I went through. Am reading and watching about NPD all the time. Dr Ramani I am glued to your videos.
Season two is just so good.
@disco
What an excellent analogy
Brilliant that Sola ended the entanglement and recognised that he truly was a narcissist mentally & emotionally abusive
I'm 18 months in and I feel so tired my body and mind is breaking down I'm in love I have no support network and I am fifty so feel like I won't ever meet anyone again
I got chills listening to this. Dr. Ramani is goat 🐐
This sounds so much like a person I dated - I definitely took too long to get out of that relationship.
When my dad wanted to avoid a topic or emotion he would tell corny jokes. We could tell he was feeling uneasy when he would always do this.
The people who do bad sh*t because they don't want to hurt anyone are just cowards at the buffet.
Right on! “I didn’t want to hurt her feelings” means “I didnt want to face her anger because I have no personal courage”.
Approach Avoidance is the devil!
Shit, I never thought about that...rating systems do have a legit use, that is of course, being COMPLETELY botched!
46:00 Describes passive aggression pretty well. So he didnt mention his disappointment about his perception of her not sharing enough about him or that she likes his friends posts more but instead posts about the Tulum girls (sounds antagonizing) and then when she brings it up then he points back at what she does "wrong". So typical!
My question after this podcast , is … what is the solution? Stay alone forever?beacause , aparantly we Are not safe in any situation, they are very good at faking for long time
I think she may have said, I don't want to change or control you. I also don't want to spend the rest of my life married to a man who portrays himself as being single. I love you alot, but maybe you're just not the right one.
How do we contact you if we have a story worth sharing? I emailed but it says email disabled.
This sounds JUST LIKE my college ex. I thought the relationships were this hard because as a AA woman from a divorced family, all I saw on TV, read in books, saw around with my peers were bad examples and drama. It finally ended at a horrible cost. He tried to befriend again but heck no. I'm glad this young women figured this wasn't normal at the jump. The black girl struggle story unfortunately is a brainwashed narrative you get easily 😮💨. Not anymore for me
I am not interested in him and one of my sons and I already told him to leave me/us alone. Please report that man, not me.
The “unconditional love” thing is very dicey.
I really don’t believe in it because, in order to establish healthy boundaries in relationships , you must have CONDITIONS that should not be violated. That, by its very nature, is CONDITIONAL. IF, then statements are conditional and SHOULD be a part of the relationship: if you treat me like $hit or lie to me, then I am leaving.
We need to REFRAME this whole thing about unconditional love because it really is NOT sustainable. It is really a “I have to live you at arms length” when you have an abusive person, at which point if you have to do the arms length thing, you really are NOT in close relationship. The CONDITION is that the person is not SAFE, thus you cannot be close.
My ex narc was BIG on fussing about the “unconditional” thing and (looking back on a now dead and divorced 25 year marriage ) it is used by narcs so that they can continue to do inappropriate things in the relationship. The minute you point to the boundary, they will start hollering about how you are controlling and not being “unconditional” in love. They wield that “unconditional” thing as an “I can do anything I want” card so that they can evade accountability and responsibility. Full stop.
Approach Avoidance style is a thing? (minute 27)
This triggered my anger. Uff it sounded like a sicopath (but I am not a psychologist).
I had almost the same exact experience .. I hate these men.
Who is the guy in the photo?
What guy?
Why are the victims she interviews always women? I’d like to hear from a man who survived a narcissistic relationship with a woman. My brother recently ended a 20+ year marriage to a highly covert narcissist. Many friends and family saw it when they were dating and tried to talk to him, but he was in love. We saw her lies and manipulation throughout their marriage. We saw how it messed up the kids. He’s out now but the damage to him and their children looks like a town that was ravaged by a tornado.
Because the narcissism dance is male by default especially in intimate relationships. Narcissists can only manifest their abuse if they are in a position of power, males are usually in a position of power in almost all societies since all societies are pretty much patriarchal.
Not long time ago women didn't even have the right to open their mouths without husband permission and it was completely legal for the husband to hit and rape his wife.
In intimate relationships men often have the financial power, status power and always the physical power so it's easy to abuse their weaker victims.
Of course there are female narcissists with the power to abuse a male partner in an intimate relationship but they need that power.
Narcissist women are more often caught abusing their victims in situations where they have power...like being mothers or caretakers abusing their children.
That's how it works
Sola means alone in Spanish 😮