Nobody in my extended family has ever asked if I was okay. Nobody stepped up and said 'this isn't okay'. Everyone told me that it was ALL normal, they had endured varying degrees of abuse. Seven years and two kids... they ALL said it was normal.
Same for me too. My relatives and grandparents on both paternal and maternal side watched in silence and did nothing to protect me from my verbally abusive dad. Everyone just coddled and condoned the behavior due to their own fear or apathy. They somewhat convinced themselves it was no big deal and that as children we should be more understanding to him. I was always pulled aside after the eruption and told to forgive him. Nothing was made to give they tiny bit of validation. It’s true that if only one person spoke up or stood in front of me or beside me to hold my hand through the trauma it would have made such a difference. I’m definitely speaking up the next time I see that happen to a child, even if it is a stranger
That’s because every Asian is brainwashed! It’s only the second generation immigrant, us who grew up in the west that sees the difference in raising children. For example my son: I have NEVER EVER slapped him or anything physically NEVER! My son graduated with top grades and now he’s studying in university. He learned to think for himself and consequences of all his decisions, that was the base we build in my son! So this Asian bs can go 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬 The best of all they are out of my life! I won’t even tend to their funeral and I’m their only daughter! My parents seems to not understand that they can’t control me, buy me, threaten me and guilt trip me anymore!! They should try to respect me and have a normal conversation one adult to another! They dared to groom my son in to their agendas WTF 🤬 But since my son are able to think for himself and make his own decisions their grooming doesn’t work!! 🤣🤣🥳🥳🤣🤣 That Asian bs ends with me!
Denial is sometimes a way of coping. It's very unfortunate you had no family members support. It makes healing harder to cope with. You are in my prayers.❤
It's not just abandonment from the parents. It's abandonment from every person who ignored what was happening. Abandonment from all the bad relationships. And ultimately self abandonment. It's the last that has to be reconciled.
I came across a very enlightening definition of trauma that included three aspects: 1) what happened 2) what you held onto from that 3) the fact that no one witnessed or acknowledged it
I’m in my 40s and just realising what I’ve struggled with for decades is CPTSD off the bat of narcissistic abuse by my mother and a merry band of winged monkeys. I’ve always felt alone, and like there was something wrong with me. Watching all the videos and reading all the comments I feel more understood than I ever have in my family.
As someone who was abandoned as a child, abandonment is the ultimate betrayal and the ultimate trauma. Nothing hurts more than being abandoned as a child.
Except for going thru that then years later falling in love n getting pregnant by a narc who then stabs you 35 times and slit ur throat then having ur narc mother volunteer to care for u full time n then abandoning u to go w get new bf to Mexico n making fun of ur pain telling me I'm gonna be a bad mom n in lazy to trying to have me arrested for stealing when I didn't. She called security on my the day my son was born n stole me house n car keys so I couldn't take my son home. She loves my sister tho.
i really don’t think it’s fair to say something is the “ultimate” trauma… to be frank, this comment is really tone deaf and i understand you’re just looking to vent you own pain but i urge you to either remove this comment or edit it because it’s very hurtful. Your trauma isn’t bigger than mine or anyone else’s if we’ve been diagnosed with cptsd, we have it for a reason and it means we’ve been through hell. I’m a survivor of incest. I could argue there’s not greater trauma than that but i’d never say such a thing because that’s so invalidating to other trauma survivors. Being abandoned i’m sure is horrible and i’m so sorry that happened to you, but playing trauma wars against other cptsd survivors isn’t the way to go about it. Your trauma isn’t greater than mine or anyone else’s.
*TRIGGER WARNING* When Stephanie described how her mother would go through her diary entries and "rip her a new one", criticising every detail, I strongly remember how my mother would do the exact same thing with my all of my academic/school work. After I had made an attempt at completing my schoolwork, my mother would have me sit or stand next to her, while she inspected each line in silence until she saw something that wasn't 'perfect' in her mind, when she would suddenly bark things like "Wrong! Make more effort you f***ing lazy idiot" or "Your handwriting is disgusting, are you f***ing disabled? Write properly." This made the experience of doing schoolwork a horrible, nervewracking experience for me. As a child, I developed maladaptive rage after my mother and various other sources in my life modelled it, and would scream and throw punches at the desk whenever I ran into even small difficulties completing my schoolwork (such as a mathematical problem that I could not work out), because I panicked and was in fear of my mother's rage and cruelty for making errors. Once I had panicked and expressed my rage alone, attempting my schoolwork, my mother would then, from the other side of the house, scream at the top of her lungs something like "SHUT THE F*** UP!", loud enough to be heard from down the street if there we no cars driving past. As I write this, I can distinctly remember the feeling in my stomach that I felt when I was screamed as I described. I was made to feel like I was not allowed to not understand something or make mistakes. Alternatively, fearing this entire process, I would avoid doing the work all together and then would get into trouble at school. My mother would then find out because she would regularly call the schools that I attended and ask for details of my performance. My mother believed that if I did not excel academically, this would mean that I would equate to a failure as a person, who would go on to live off government welfare payments and turn into a depressed, violent drug user and made it clear that she would not give me a penny or help me in any way because "I would have brought in on myself and deserve to live like that". We lived in a city with a lot of poverty and deprivation, so she would angrily threaten me with this outcome as a tool of manipulation. She saw me as a defective extension of her herself, so in order to prevent me, as the so called extension of herself from being 'defective', she would constantly try to dominate and control me in as many ways as possible. As an adult (24 years old), I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and BPD and I identify as having a high SPS (sensory processing sensitivity). I have 'gone no contact' and cut my mother and her enabling, flying monkeys out of my life and blocked them on every platform.
It's so difficult to hear and understand the abuse and neglect this bright and beautiful young lady had to endure . How wonderful that she survived and thrived.I can't wait to get the book and tell my daughter about it. My daughter is a social worker.
It's so difficult to hear and understand the abuse and neglect this bright and beautiful young lady had to endure . How wonderful that she survived and thrived.I can't wait to get the book and tell my daughter about it. My daughter is a social worker.
Dear @OL33316. I was moved reading about the harsh abuse you have experienced from your mother and I just wish for you to find the support you need to heal!
Damn. You are able to articulate what was happening in a nuanced, detailed way. And it is useful and yes heartbreaking. I'm really f****ng sorry. I wish you all of the good things especially peace and that feeling of belonging that is hard ot name. I deeply appreciate, appreciate definitely does not cut it, but I do find your share helpful.
I've only been 'awake' for a bout 8 months, but as I start the healing process, I hear this voice over and over, "stop making a big deal about this. Other people had it much worse."
Stephanie's book "WHAT MY BONES KNOW" was really life changing for me. I have COMPLEX-PTSD and it's very difficult to find a therapist that understands how COMPLEX-PTSD needs a holistic trauma informed approach. And how as an immigrate and Queer person of colour, a therapist understanding the "cultural context" of my experience is very important. Generally even ordinary people don't understand COMPLEX-PTSD. When it comes to C-PTSD that starts from the early year's of childhood, there's no "BEFORE" for you. I didn't have a reference to follow up on what it means to feel safe and trust people. Healing from C-PTSD is a life long journey on learning how to function, learning to trust people, building a new foundation for your life and that is really hard. I'm greatful Stephanie wrote this book because it truly makes me feel not alone and gives me hope, it also reminds to practice self-compassion.
yes. agreed. there's not before. I hope for you you've found the right therapist, but i agree it is difficult to find someoine good who understands the multiiplicity of your experience. i always joke that i woudln't be waiting three years, yes three years, to have found someone if I had $200 or more to drop weekly. so many good therapists only work out of pockets and so many people do not have access to good therapists.
@@blacksheepyoga I truly believe that not going to therapy is no longer an issue of not having self-awareness or of shame. Now it's really a financial issue. A lot of people are turning to online therapy services since it's cheaper but it may still not meet the needs of in person therapy. And I still can't afford to drop $200 a week for 2 sessions. I definitely understand where you're coming from. No one is avoiding therapy because of denial. It really is a financial issue. And you can't just settle for any therapist just because their "cheap" the wrong threspist can cause more damage than good.
@@Samuel_L.B I completely agree with you. It makes me angry not at the people suffering. I'm not angry at a single sufferer of C-PTSD, but at the system and at the ignorant-resourced people who have no idea what navigating this system without epic resources is like.
Ramani, you were terrific. Got so much out of this. Pointing out that this was not only about narcissism was an eye opener. Can't wait to get Stephanie's book.
No, no. That's not confusing. I felt the same way when my mom, dad and older sister passed away. I not only felt a release, I finally exhaled. I am glad to be free of them. That feels so good to be able to admit. I have no gilt and no shame over my sense of freedom.
I lost my younger brother, my only brother, due to complex trauma twenty years ago last week. I made it out somehow & am thriving, but loosing him was the pinnacle of all traumas I’ve ever endured. When narcissists come after me, they have no idea (nor do they care) what all I’ve been through & what I’ve overcome & what shadow work I constantly have to do to manage my emotions. If my bro & I had known about CPTSD in the 90s, he might still be around to share his brilliance, humor & talents. And maybe he would have been able to find some peace from all the anger & frustration that tormented both of us from our shared experiences. I thought at least I would have gotten to grown old with him if all went wrong in life, so when he died, I utterly died inside.
It's crazy, I was listening to her book while driving across country just yesterday and you interviewed her today. I resonate deeply with the minimization of abuse. Her observations about how therapy in the U.S. is geared toward white educated people is eye opening. I hope it's an observation that leads to a readjustment of therapy for people of varying racial or cultural backgrounds in this country.
OMG, this is a must listen for people who grew up in the immigrant communities and are immigrants themselves. It seems they have a community .. but often there is none.
What I learned from a counselor after my (marriage ended) was that I had surrounded myself with abusive, narcissistic people. There was one work situation that absolutely baffled me when I was still married and working in a sales job. My work team was at a sales meeting in a resort area, and we were all told that we had an entire afternoon off and could plan whatever we wanted to do. Four of us (3 women and 1 man) decided to rent a car and go to a well-known little town where several movies have been filmed, walk around the town and drink a beer while watching the sun set. We had been told that dinner was not structured, and there would be food stations to accommodate people's varied free time schedules. When we arrived back at the hotel, the bossed singled me out and screamed at me only for getting back late. Apparently the upper management decided to have a work meeting after dinner, but we were not told. I tell this story because I was the ONLY person of thec4 of us that the boss screamed at. For years I could never make any sense of it. (I knew he wouldn't yell at the man - but why not the other 2 women?) I now think that Narcissists innately know who are co-dependants are, and the boss knew he could scream and vent at me without repercussions. My hypothesis is that Stephanie Foo had a similar relationship with her boss, who screamed at her and told her that her work was inferior. She even admitted that she told her boss about her traumatic childhood - which gave him information that he could then use against her.
Oh do I ever agree with you. I was 14 yrs old and in middle school. We were playing badminton. We were all sitting on the floor taking a break. Out of the blue my PE teacher singled me out and started berating me. I need said a word. But I have been baffled for 61 years, wondering why she picked on me. Now I do have an idea. Abuse followed me all my life. And it's true, there was no start point. When I finish reading these valuable comments I hope Stephanie Foo's book will have been delivered to my Kindle.
Currently reading Stephanie’s book. I never want it to end. Finally, a human has been able to put the right words together into comprehensible sentences which clearly describe a state of being for so many of us who shared similar childhood stories. Thank you a million times from my younger self to Dr Ramani and Stephanie for your amazing work.
This is both agonizing and uplifting. So much of her story almost mirrors mine, it's incredibly validating and simultaneously painful to really take a good hard look at. My father was a violent drunk who abused me as a young girl from age 5 to 13 when he suddenly left for the other woman. My mother came unglued and I now had to care for her and my 4 younger siblings. At the same time, it became a total free-for-all. I went off the rails. Where the parallels end is my family was well below the poverty line. We lived in a very rural and isolated area where neighbors weren't within shouting distance. There was a point where concerns were raised by my teachers, and an investigation by CYS resulted in the word "unfounded" forever being emblazoned across my brain. I began receiving mental health services at 13 after a failed suicide attempt. I was then in and out of treatment until I was ultimately placed in a residential facility at 17. On my 18th birthday I signed myself out and dropped out of school. I didn't receive my PTSD diagnosis until I was 33. It was upgraded to C-PTSD at 35. Today is my 37th birthday. I stumbled upon this podcast while searching for trauma specialists in my area. My sister passed away in June from drug addiction and everything has bubbled back up to the surface. I need to face this thing and quit running because it doesn't stop chasing me. No matter how hard I pretend or try to deny, it still informs my day. It always has. I watched this with my husband. What she said about her relationship with her husband really resonated with me. We have been together since I was 15. Almost instinctually, any sort of warmth, or kindness, or human compassion, or love is instantly met with scepticism and suspicion. I've been testing this poor guy for 20+ years. He's either a real trooper, or a glutton for punishment. I don't know what I did to deserve him. I'm trying to be proactive now. I can't keep on this way. I need real help and real change. I don't want to fall in any more holes. My arms are tired from pulling myself out and I know I can't do it alone anymore. It's been helpful to finally have a name for this thing. It's helped make some sense of the nonsensical. I also received an ADHD diagnosis at the same time, which tracks, unfortunately, but also very much complicates things. I've struggled for a long time. I'm really trying here. Thank you so much for your candidness. You have inspired hope in me and a desire to fight for my peace and wellness. I've been fighting all these years anyway, just all the wrong things. Now I'm gonna have to buy your book. Truly. Thank you. And thank you Dr. Ramani for using your platform to deep dive this type of subject matter. You are always so insightful and thorough and respectful. Thank you for your work. I was specifically searching anything you had put out about C-PTSD when I found this podcast. This was well worth the watch and I will be sharing it with my mother, grandmother, and remaining siblings. Maybe it can give them a better understanding of themselves. Again, thank you.
Just the opening Author's Note on Stephanie's book made me cry. Well, I cried "The Body Keeps the Score" almost all the way through also, and Pete Walker's book too... 😅 🤷🏻♀️
I think one reason why people invalidate children's experience is if they said how bad it was they would feel obliged to do something about it and they don't have the energy to do so.
I’m only 15 minutes into watching this, and I’m already resonating with so much of it. I’m going to buy Stephanie’s book as soon as I finish watching this!.. Thank you both, Dr. Ramani, and Stephanie, for this podcast.. 🙌💜
Whoa! I just read her book last week! Grateful for the your community spreading the word on CPTSD. I think it's probably more prevalent then anyone realizes.
I believe keeping quiet and not confronting abusive behaviors and attitudes in families that are not okay is ubiquitous. My way of disassociating has been work and advancing academically.
I wish I could personally thank Stephanie. It’s the first story that finally pushed me into therapy. Thanks to her, I found a therapist that specializes in complex PTSD. She uses the therapy she talked about in the book and heart math. I’m only a couple of sessions in but it’s obvious that this is right path. Thank you so so much.
I suffered so many years when I was younger from abandonment issues. My younger sisters Dad (who at the time, I thought was my real Dad too from birth) stopped picking me up and just got my sister. I couldn't understand why she could go but he would always tell me, "maybe, next time". I am thankful for my Eiea (My Moms sister) for taking me in when I told her I was going to runaway (at 10) because I couldn't handle it. She promised me if I stayed, she will move back home and she would never leave me again. That summer, she came home and never left my side until she passed in 2017. The kindest soul I ever knew and now I just cope with my depression of living life without her.
I am so grateful to you both for this 🙏Just bought Stephanie's book and can't wait to read it. I too suffer from CPTSD. Much love to you Dr. Ramani and to anyone reading this ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
So much mahalo and aloha for this conversation both of you! Timestamp: 2:57, 3:25. A human and culturally accurate voice to humanize this condition with a sense of realistic hope. Indeed greater than any textbook.
My narc biological mother gave me the silent treatment 24/7. Daily life: Her: 1. "Wake up 2. "Come eat" 3. "Let's go" (school) 4. "Go to bed" Repeat. Also berating, yelling and hitting. Thank you so much Dr Ramani and Stephanie!
This condition as destroyed my life" no matter who I see for therapy it's back the moment I leave and everyday when I'm awake it's with me as my past is as clear as day now and I see people in a different way. Suicide is my only escape and I have planned it but not set a date yet but I'm getting closer to doing that.listening to that young lady I feel the pain she as gone through, bless her.
As an only child who grew up in a physically and mentally abusive family, I totally resonate with Stephanie's situation. In addition to being fed what was sometimes weeks old food and constantly having privileges and things I enjoyed taken away, I suffered regular beatings that resulted in bruises, broken bones and chipped teeth. In an attempt to get help when I was a child, I did tell several teachers, my school friends and neighborhood children about the way I was treated by my parents. My parents, like Stephanie's parents, told me I was unlovable and that I needed to be hit and punished "so I would turn out right". I left home when I was 16 and only went back infrequently before I moved out of state and stopped seeing my family entirely. I've spent my adulthood trying to make sense of my childhood, to learn to deal effectively with my emotions and to let go of the unhealthy conditioning that told me I'm worthless and unlovable. Now, more than 50 years since leaving my family of origin, I had the opportunity to reconnect with a cousin. One of my questions to him was why no one intervened. He said he was unaware of my family dynamics. Later, I had the opportunity to talk to another relative who was an adult when I was a child. She said the same thing. I have often asked myself why nobody took my childhood stories of abuse seriously and intervened on my behalf. How is it that for abused children, the abuse and trauma goes unseen by those in a position to help?
Am sorry this happened to you; I appreciate this share. My own experience is similar it is scary isn't it? Then like an idiot I got into relationships over and over that replicated the early chilhood stuff.
oh my god my life is so similar. My abusive dad left us at 10. My mom had to work 2 jobs so the 3 of us had to raise ourselves. I saw her for 30 min btwn jobs then again at 11pm. I became my mom’s surrogate spouse, she crossed sexual boundaries w me that are still hard to talk about, she was also physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. When I was 40 I had a cardiac arrest and died. While in ICU she picked a fight w me and abandoned me in the hospital. Got on a plane and left me. Neither she or my siblings contacted my husband to see how I was doing. A year or so later she wrote me a pathetic letter. I forgave her but our relationship was forever wounded. Of course i married a man just like my mom. He abandoned me through infidelity, abuse and eventually left me. I’ve been free from him for a year but still working through my CPTSD from him and my childhood. I can’t wait to read her book.
This resonated with me so much. I have experienced betrayal since childhood through my parents' relationship and in every single romantic relationship..it is devastating💔. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your education, support, and awareness. I still have hopes in having a healthy relationship one day, but it's very hard to trust at times. I realized that even when we are happy on our own and get educated on these patterns, we are still vulnerable to these relationships. Thank you for your daily help❤️
Wonderful story. I started reading her book. I understand ahe doesn’t have kids. My callout would be that she was able to heal and clean out her trauma, but if she chooses to become mother, the trauma will hit her hard again, as every day anything her child does will trigger her as well as bring back the trauma, so she will have a LOT to handle. Becoming the mother in itself is challenging enough, but combined with this level of trauma and lack of support from her family becomes extremely challenging. If she has supportive husband and his family to hold her hand through this, maybe this will work out, but otherwise, I would advise to be very careful making decision on starting family.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for guiding us into so many different facets of healing. The stories shared here and the book suggestions are priceless. My c-PTSD manifests as my jaw muscles clenching (no grinding or clenching of teeth, just my jaw muscles clenching like they are white-knuckling something, ready for a fight) and it happens when I lay down at night, every once in a while throughout the day. I slept next to a monster for 14 years and I literally slept through simmering anxiety which spiked with loud noises or my ex rolling over. This is my "Custard's Last Stand" in regard to my healing. I've gotten over the triggers from loud noises and somewhat with people talking loud, this is the one thing that's hardest to figure out. 😢 I am looking forward to reading her book~ I just downloaded a sample! ❤
I'll add that I am a thoughtful person who loves to think, ponder, discuss and talk. I think, subconsciously, my jaw clenching is me trying to keep my mouth shut, even though I needed SO BADLY to speak up. I was trained that my voice didn't mean anything, that I was stupid and that speaking up was disrespectful . Ooooof, this healing is rough, but needed!
Stephanie's book is on my wish list. I resonate with her life story. My wish for her is to find peace, love, fulfillment, and a healthy life going forward. ❤❤❤
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Wow, I can relate to so much of it. I gotta get my hands on that book. My parents always implied or outright said everything was my fault, too. My mother read my journals, hovering over me if I was on the computer. I just rented your book, both audio, and then so grateful it is at the library. I came out to my self as gay in my journals, and she used that to dehumanize me and covertly coerce me into gay deprogramming hypnotherapy, which I only went to once, maybe twice. Sometimes I would see 'corrections' or cross outs in my journal. I can relate to that, and also needing to figure out how to protect myself.
I got the validation I have never got during my almost 40 years of my life. I have took similar path in life got my phd from elite university never trusted anyone and only relied on my self. Never got happier after my accomplishments. Never believed I am smart or beautiful my until mid thirties. Thanks a lot helped me a lot.😊😊
I am trying to find hope in learning. I am not able to afford therapy, or have space in a schedule of trying to NOT be homeless, I just keep listening and hoping I can fix myself.
Loved this interview, loved Stephanie's book, and listened to other interviews with Stephanie eg. Forrest Hanson. .....all a must. Stephanie is a wonderful spokeswoman for Complex Trauma. I'm a 64 year old woman with CPTSD, I wish we knew what we know now when I was growing up, my life would have been so different. However, for survivors today I'm so pleased there is a pathway towards health and understanding... society must understand the impact Cptsd has on people. Thank you Dr. Ramani - I realised yesterday listening to your podcast, you have a voice that sounds similar to Mariska Hargitay. 🥰🤔
I was/am the hulk when threatened. I have yet to find anyone capable of providing therapy. I am self-treated. It has been as bad as any inescapable battlefield. I now live pretty reclusively. I can’t deal with our society because when I looked up from the wreckage of my home life, when I removed myself from the situation, I noticed that millions of people act just like them. We are cruel and uncaring and I choose now to live out my life on my farm. Livestock isn’t abusive. All they want is attention and food.
I'm 63 and I still have these hand shaking episodes whenever I recall times my so called mom would be a witch to me and it was just me,I'm the oldest and I'm the one she took all her anger out on. I didn't realize this until I've been clean off drugs and alcohol for many years but I count uncontrollably, like my mind just goes blank and I'll start from number one and get up to like 11 before I catch myself and then I begin praying because my mind shuts down,it's super strange. I came to the conclusion that I counted as a child when I knew the abuse,verbal,physical and mental would start. That's all I can come up with and I was hoping some other people could shed some light on this theory I have. Blessings to all who are enduring. The demons keep appearing and the fear they instill in our lives can only be overcome by the strength of our God Yahweh in His Son our Lord and Savior Yeshua The Christ Messiah. Amen!😊
Stigmas are strong. When I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area many years ago I often felt as if people just perceived me as just another white person who grew up in the suburbs, while in reality I was a person who suffered a lot of isolation and complex trauma while growing of in a rural town in Alaska and was quite estranged from my family.
I'm currently reading Stephanie foo memoir I can't stop reading it she did the right thing writing this hopefully this will help other people who suffered from abuse and are struggling with cptsd
I'm deeply grateful to you, Stephanie and Dr. Ramani, for opening up and addressing the excruciating topics of complex PTSD and narcissistic abuse through writing, teaching and speaking. As survivors of narcissistic abuse and complex PTSD, we can feel so desperately alone and telling our truth can bring healing and hope for ourselves and to the collective. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your stories and doing the work of offering hope and healing. I wrote my story (Show White Rewritten: Gritty Not Pretty) and self-published on Amazon in 6/21. The year-long process was grueling and also brought me deep healing. Here's to telling our truth!
Yeah, work (and prove yourself or die success) is a very common escape for survivors of CPTSD. We are running away from feeling the abuse and desperately seeking to prove ourselves worthy. A tighter equation cannot be found. After therapy, after engaging with all the tools, after reading all the books and joining a lovely, powerful online recovery group, I still never saw myself reflected anywhere. Ms Foo's book is the first time in my life I have ever seen myself anywhere else in the world and the parallels are exact all the way down to choosing the same word for that sludgy, persistent mix of anxiety and fear. For years I have had "the dread" and named it so. Also I've always wanted to come back as the Incredible Hulk and I did the whole I hate Christmas thing until I met my husband's family. That's the very tip of the iceberg of my identification with Ms Foo. Thank you Stephanie. I didn't even know how alone I was feeling. Did not even value NOT feeling alone until I read your book. We all do the thing, right? I'll engage and get what's good for me and be polite and respectful to things less relevant to me. Healthy. But there may be a human need to see ourselves reflected. Heh heh...yeah. You provided that for me. My gratitude knows no bounds.
What an inspirational woman to rise up and change her story to one where she has hope. What courage and bravery she has for herself let alone then to share it in the hope of reaching others. A truly amazing human being ❤
That’s a very good analogy it’s like having a broken leg and going up the stairs lol it’s true that’s how I felt in general with my ex and his friends etc it was like a war everyday
My mother was violent towards all my siblings and myself, and she constantly ran us down to everyone. I grew up,in Australia in the 60s/70s….Some adult relatives knew, including my Dad, but no one ever challenged her….or stopped her!
I was SO excited to listen to this session because I could tell from the introduction that this was going to be a conversation with the woman who wrote What My Bones Know, a book I had heard about on NPR, and have been ITCHING to read since I first heard about it. I feel that women like Stephanie Foo & Dr. Ramani are going to be key figures for a many (current &) future generations to look up to in their healing process! Very thankful for you both in helping me validate my trauma and experiences!! ❤❤❤
I would have preferred this. To have been abandoned physically by my parents if I was an only child, like Stephanie, and left with the house. Fully paid for??? Hell yes!! My situation was an emotional abandonment by my parents, but they both remained in the home. My father sexually molested me and did numerous sexually inappropriate things to me until I left home at 18 years old. My mother knew what type of man she married. She knew what my father had done to me, as I told her. She didn't care. She never did anything to protect me nor to protect my other siblings from him. I think she also feared that if it got out what was going on in the home, my father would have gone to prison, she would have lost her children because she had no real job skills, and we children would have ended up separated in various foster homes. The home was chaotic when my father got back to work and was never around. My mother could not handle nor cope with raising and caring for us five children while my father was working all the time. She would allow my siblings to harass, bully, and abuse me since I was my father's "favorite." It was crazy thinking, but she had to blame me and I had to be made the "family scapegoat" to allow her to feel less guilty. AlleI can say is thank God that my parents actually got us to church on a regular basis. Believe it or not!! I don't know where I or my siblings would be today without having the church presence in our lives.
To both the interviewer and Stepanie Woo, Thank you, thank you. I read Stephanie’s book, which opened the closed door to who and why I am the person I am. This interview has solidified how i got there. God Bless your vulnerability… I will continue to follow as much as possible
Like Stephanie, my work was my solace. I was falling apart on the inside and the only thing that kept me sane was diving head first into a very busy job. That and my kids.
My mom would correct any mothers day or birthday cards & every little note with a red pen! I thought I was the only one. It is so eye opening to see just how many of us have lived through such similar experiences. Never knew narcissists had such predictable pattern.
I was also told that “if I told”. There would be a divorce and I wouldn’t want to be responsible for ANOTHER divorce, would I? It kept me quiet AND told me that my existence was the cause of the first divorce.
I handled court documents in my job, my supervisor would berate me and tear apart my documents. The Grammer and punctuation rules changed based on their moods, and I would hear things like "you need to focus better", "I don't understand why you can't get this through your head". They retired, it got better immediately when I realized that I was needing completely normal support. But to this day, I have panic attacks in the file rooms..
I am so grateful for this, as so many people have not even heard of CPTSD. I would love to find out affordable services for treatment. I am 55yrs old and still suffering because of lack of proper diagnosis, only anxiety and major depression. So much collateral damage has taken place in my life due to a system that has so much catching up to do.
Thank you for sharing your story, Stephanie. I can relate on a personal level as well. I went through a similar journey with a covert narcissistic mother and a covert psychopathic wife. Their actions shattered my stability multiple times, leaving scars that I'm still healing from. Your openness is truly empowering and comforting to those of us who have faced similar challenges. It's a reminder that we're not alone in our struggles. 🙏
I have been through complex trauma in my childhood home AND as an adult, in the workplace repeatedly and far too often. What do you call that??? DOUBLE Complex Trauma??? Oh, I'm also a Survivor of Domestic Violence, Narcissistic Abuse, and/or Stalking from my ex-husband and the Family Law Court over the course of 30 years. So, is that TRIPLE Complex Trauma??? Frankly, as I type this, I've come to the realization that it's a miracle that I'm not a total basket case, nor a drug addict, nor an alcoholic, like so many people who this type of crap happens to. In fact, my ex-husband was a violent drug-addicted alcoholic. He was a Vietnam War Vet, but had personal problems before that since he was expelled from two different high schools and never finished high school. However, he was very charismatic and well-connected with many people, particularly narcissistic men like himself, in powerful positions.
You’ve had multiple post traumatic stresses that have caused a disorder. Every time you’ve experienced another layer, it has complicated the already stressful and traumatic events you’ve experienced. ..this is what differentiates PTSD from Complex PTSD. It’s not double, or triple or quadruple CPTSD.. I mean at what point would one stop quantifying and to what degree? It’s complex. It has numerous complexities. That is what makes it a more complex form of PTSD. It’s multiplied.
Because I was "problematic" since I was born. Because it only happened to me, the daughter, not to my brothers. Because she paint what my childhood was not what I tell her it was from my experience. Because my mother had a privileged position in the small city where I was born. Because of the gaslighting. Because " my memory is not good" and " none of these things ever happened. Because it was the 80s and 90s. Ultimately, " you are the sick one" who committed suicide proving that there is something wrong with you. Because my mother chose over and over again to protect her life at the expense of mine. Because she never apologized, because she always denied what happened to me. Because I " exaggerate" because "my life doesn't show that is working for me.....mostly anyone with a toxic family dynamic can understand all this thinking processes and where they take you.......and because a CPTSD brain doesn't want to lay off on the intrusive thoughts, memories etc. The dignity any human being deserves, kindness, and love ...are things we may yern yet feel is not for us. This is not a way for living, and for most of us who have been in therapy for many years and tried many things, we are acutely aware of not living to our full potential.
My mother called Cps when I was 12 and they took me to a group home because I was depressed and I was haven’t trouble with school my mother was very negligent my clothes smelled like cat urine and laundry was never cleaned and I didn’t want to go to school because I was so scared of the embarrassment that I felt I was emotionally abused since I can remember being called a stupid bitch a whore told I was hated by her and she didn’t want to see me so I wasn’t allowed out of my room a lot at the age of five I felt so much pain as a little girl I cried and she would come in not to comfort me but to cover my mouth and tell me to shut the Fuk up I watched her party in the house constantly get beat by different men and so on and told everyone I was a terrible child I never understand what I was doing to be terrible but just existing made me feel like a terrible person my whole life I became very depressed in my pre teens I was always depressed didn’t want to get out of bed cutting myself and I was condemned by her always screaming at me to shut the Fuk up and never any compassion or care about why I was in so much pain but anyway at 12 she put me in a group home i spent my 13 birthday in there I am 38 and in therapy I struggle with cptsd and trying to control it but I’m having a hard time this is still a really painful topic and my childhood is in my head every day I hope I can get better with therapy ❤🙏
People in my extended family SAW that I was being abused. BUT they chose to be quiet because they would rather see me wounded and broken than happy and put- together.
Wonderful discussion interview Dr. Ramani. In fact, watching this and hearing all the verbal abuse Stephanie went through made me remember exactly one day when my mother told me that only she could put up with me because she was my mother, but that others would not. She said those things often and I remember it from my very young age. Now in my late 40s and living the consequences of all the abuse I received and took in.
I'm glad culture was brought up here. It's hard getting therapy when the therapist doesn't understand your culture.This can make a person feel strange for having different beliefs. But there is nothing wrong with having a different culture. ...Even when I was in divorce court, I wasn't allowed to bring up how I was violated because it wasn't understood or important...but the narc knew and understood the culture and how he manipulated things.
Young children can’t be at fault for things, that’s not how the natural life process works. Children need help with growth, not control or shame to *force* them to be a certain way. I didn’t receive any normal guidance either when I was young. And anyone who has made it to adulthood can count themselves as survivors and be a little proud about that.
Dr. Ramini, you looks so polished and beautiful in this video. I love all your stuff and your casual style as well. You are a resource I share with all of my clients. Peace.
Nobody in my extended family has ever asked if I was okay. Nobody stepped up and said 'this isn't okay'. Everyone told me that it was ALL normal, they had endured varying degrees of abuse. Seven years and two kids... they ALL said it was normal.
Same for me too. My relatives and grandparents on both paternal and maternal side watched in silence and did nothing to protect me from my verbally abusive dad. Everyone just coddled and condoned the behavior due to their own fear or apathy. They somewhat convinced themselves it was no big deal and that as children we should be more understanding to him. I was always pulled aside after the eruption and told to forgive him. Nothing was made to give they tiny bit of validation. It’s true that if only one person spoke up or stood in front of me or beside me to hold my hand through the trauma it would have made such a difference. I’m definitely speaking up the next time I see that happen to a child, even if it is a stranger
That’s because every Asian is brainwashed! It’s only the second generation immigrant, us who grew up in the west that sees the difference in raising children. For example my son: I have NEVER EVER slapped him or anything physically NEVER! My son graduated with top grades and now he’s studying in university. He learned to think for himself and consequences of all his decisions, that was the base we build in my son! So this Asian bs can go 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
The best of all they are out of my life! I won’t even tend to their funeral and I’m their only daughter! My parents seems to not understand that they can’t control me, buy me, threaten me and guilt trip me anymore!! They should try to respect me and have a normal conversation one adult to another! They dared to groom my son in to their agendas WTF 🤬 But since my son are able to think for himself and make his own decisions their grooming doesn’t work!! 🤣🤣🥳🥳🤣🤣
That Asian bs ends with me!
Ok, but that’s not CPSTD.
@@user-jc8py7dw7rhow do u know?
Denial is sometimes a way of coping. It's very unfortunate you had no family members support. It makes healing harder to cope with. You are in my prayers.❤
It's not just abandonment from the parents. It's abandonment from every person who ignored what was happening. Abandonment from all the bad relationships. And ultimately self abandonment. It's the last that has to be reconciled.
I came across a very enlightening definition of trauma that included three aspects:
1) what happened
2) what you held onto from that
3) the fact that no one witnessed or acknowledged it
My life. CPTSD is a real thing. And here I am at 60 finally getting it
@Mukanimou it's lonely being with people who mistreat you, which for me felt worse than feeling lonely by myself. Hang in there.
I’m in my 40s and just realising what I’ve struggled with for decades is CPTSD off the bat of narcissistic abuse by my mother and a merry band of winged monkeys. I’ve always felt alone, and like there was something wrong with me. Watching all the videos and reading all the comments I feel more understood than I ever have in my family.
❤
I’m 63 and think if it was recognized 20 years ago I would’ve been able to heal…it’s hard when you just get diagnosed in the later years of your life
Same.
As someone who was abandoned as a child, abandonment is the ultimate betrayal and the ultimate trauma. Nothing hurts more than being abandoned as a child.
I'm right there with you. It's the worst feeling and as adults we still feel abandoned.
it makes me feel like i will never fit in anywhere.
Except for going thru that then years later falling in love n getting pregnant by a narc who then stabs you 35 times and slit ur throat then having ur narc mother volunteer to care for u full time n then abandoning u to go w get new bf to Mexico n making fun of ur pain telling me I'm gonna be a bad mom n in lazy to trying to have me arrested for stealing when I didn't. She called security on my the day my son was born n stole me house n car keys so I couldn't take my son home. She loves my sister tho.
i really don’t think it’s fair to say something is the “ultimate” trauma… to be frank, this comment is really tone deaf and i understand you’re just looking to vent you own pain but i urge you to either remove this comment or edit it because it’s very hurtful. Your trauma isn’t bigger than mine or anyone else’s if we’ve been diagnosed with cptsd, we have it for a reason and it means we’ve been through hell. I’m a survivor of incest. I could argue there’s not greater trauma than that but i’d never say such a thing because that’s so invalidating to other trauma survivors. Being abandoned i’m sure is horrible and i’m so sorry that happened to you, but playing trauma wars against other cptsd survivors isn’t the way to go about it. Your trauma isn’t greater than mine or anyone else’s.
*TRIGGER WARNING* When Stephanie described how her mother would go through her diary entries and "rip her a new one", criticising every detail, I strongly remember how my mother would do the exact same thing with my all of my academic/school work. After I had made an attempt at completing my schoolwork, my mother would have me sit or stand next to her, while she inspected each line in silence until she saw something that wasn't 'perfect' in her mind, when she would suddenly bark things like "Wrong! Make more effort you f***ing lazy idiot" or "Your handwriting is disgusting, are you f***ing disabled? Write properly." This made the experience of doing schoolwork a horrible, nervewracking experience for me. As a child, I developed maladaptive rage after my mother and various other sources in my life modelled it, and would scream and throw punches at the desk whenever I ran into even small difficulties completing my schoolwork (such as a mathematical problem that I could not work out), because I panicked and was in fear of my mother's rage and cruelty for making errors. Once I had panicked and expressed my rage alone, attempting my schoolwork, my mother would then, from the other side of the house, scream at the top of her lungs something like "SHUT THE F*** UP!", loud enough to be heard from down the street if there we no cars driving past. As I write this, I can distinctly remember the feeling in my stomach that I felt when I was screamed as I described. I was made to feel like I was not allowed to not understand something or make mistakes. Alternatively, fearing this entire process, I would avoid doing the work all together and then would get into trouble at school. My mother would then find out because she would regularly call the schools that I attended and ask for details of my performance. My mother believed that if I did not excel academically, this would mean that I would equate to a failure as a person, who would go on to live off government welfare payments and turn into a depressed, violent drug user and made it clear that she would not give me a penny or help me in any way because "I would have brought in on myself and deserve to live like that". We lived in a city with a lot of poverty and deprivation, so she would angrily threaten me with this outcome as a tool of manipulation. She saw me as a defective extension of her herself, so in order to prevent me, as the so called extension of herself from being 'defective', she would constantly try to dominate and control me in as many ways as possible. As an adult (24 years old), I have been diagnosed with C-PTSD and BPD and I identify as having a high SPS (sensory processing sensitivity). I have 'gone no contact' and cut my mother and her enabling, flying monkeys out of my life and blocked them on every platform.
It's so difficult to hear and understand the abuse and neglect this bright and beautiful young lady had to endure . How wonderful that she survived and thrived.I can't wait to get the book and tell my daughter about it. My daughter is a social worker.
It's so difficult to hear and understand the abuse and neglect this bright and beautiful young lady had to endure . How wonderful that she survived and thrived.I can't wait to get the book and tell my daughter about it. My daughter is a social worker.
Dear @OL33316. I was moved reading about the harsh abuse you have experienced from your mother and I just wish for you to find the support you need to heal!
Damn. You are able to articulate what was happening in a nuanced, detailed way. And it is useful and yes heartbreaking. I'm really f****ng sorry. I wish you all of the good things especially peace and that feeling of belonging that is hard ot name. I deeply appreciate, appreciate definitely does not cut it, but I do find your share helpful.
You did the right thing and I wish you the best ❤
I've only been 'awake' for a bout 8 months, but as I start the healing process, I hear this voice over and over, "stop making a big deal about this. Other people had it much worse."
So invalidating! Jezzzz it's not a comparison/competition, it doesn't negate what you have experienced and endured. It's like comparing cancer...WTF!
@@anniemac7545 I know, but my abuser installed 'the voice' and now I have to remind myself hourly, "Am I going to live her life, or mine?"
@AVADAMS1967 you will get there. Minimizing is a terrible abuse tactic. Please don't continue on her abuse by abusing yourself.
Stephanie's book "WHAT MY BONES KNOW" was really life changing for me. I have COMPLEX-PTSD and it's very difficult to find a therapist that understands how COMPLEX-PTSD needs a holistic trauma informed approach. And how as an immigrate and Queer person of colour, a therapist understanding the "cultural context" of my experience is very important. Generally even ordinary people don't understand COMPLEX-PTSD. When it comes to C-PTSD that starts from the early year's of childhood, there's no "BEFORE" for you. I didn't have a reference to follow up on what it means to feel safe and trust people. Healing from C-PTSD is a life long journey on learning how to function, learning to trust people, building a new foundation for your life and that is really hard. I'm greatful Stephanie wrote this book because it truly makes me feel not alone and gives me hope, it also reminds to practice self-compassion.
yes. agreed. there's not before. I hope for you you've found the right therapist, but i agree it is difficult to find someoine good who understands the multiiplicity of your experience. i always joke that i woudln't be waiting three years, yes three years, to have found someone if I had $200 or more to drop weekly. so many good therapists only work out of pockets and so many people do not have access to good therapists.
@@blacksheepyoga I truly believe that not going to therapy is no longer an issue of not having self-awareness or of shame. Now it's really a financial issue. A lot of people are turning to online therapy services since it's cheaper but it may still not meet the needs of in person therapy. And I still can't afford to drop $200 a week for 2 sessions.
I definitely understand where you're coming from. No one is avoiding therapy because of denial. It really is a financial issue. And you can't just settle for any therapist just because their "cheap" the wrong threspist can cause more damage than good.
@@Samuel_L.B I completely agree with you. It makes me angry not at the people suffering. I'm not angry at a single sufferer of C-PTSD, but at the system and at the ignorant-resourced people who have no idea what navigating this system without epic resources is like.
Gosh Romani, your validation to the young lady was awesome and brought tears to my eyes.
I too suffer from CPTSD and it’s a lonely world.
Ramani, you were terrific. Got so much out of this. Pointing out that this was not only about narcissism was an eye opener. Can't wait to get Stephanie's book.
I had the biggest release in my life when my mom died. 😢😊 Confusing
No, no. That's not confusing. I felt the same way when my mom, dad and older sister passed away. I not only felt a release, I finally exhaled. I am glad to be free of them. That feels so good to be able to admit. I have no gilt and no shame over my sense of freedom.
I lost my younger brother, my only brother, due to complex trauma twenty years ago last week. I made it out somehow & am thriving, but loosing him was the pinnacle of all traumas I’ve ever endured. When narcissists come after me, they have no idea (nor do they care) what all I’ve been through & what I’ve overcome & what shadow work I constantly have to do to manage my emotions. If my bro & I had known about CPTSD in the 90s, he might still be around to share his brilliance, humor & talents. And maybe he would have been able to find some peace from all the anger & frustration that tormented both of us from our shared experiences. I thought at least I would have gotten to grown old with him if all went wrong in life, so when he died, I utterly died inside.
Please don't give up.
My heart goes out to you. May you somehow find comfort.
It's crazy, I was listening to her book while driving across country just yesterday and you interviewed her today. I resonate deeply with the minimization of abuse. Her observations about how therapy in the U.S. is geared toward white educated people is eye opening. I hope it's an observation that leads to a readjustment of therapy for people of varying racial or cultural backgrounds in this country.
NPR better investigate whomever is the abusive boss. That pisses me off!! Sorry Stephanie. You're a great writer and storyteller.
It's Ira Glass. Bet.
OMG, this is a must listen for people who grew up in the immigrant communities and are immigrants themselves. It seems they have a community .. but often there is none.
유년기 고통이 전체 삶을 지배하여, 여기까지 와서 공부하게 되었네요. 너무 유익하고도 성숙한 두 성인의 대화를 듣고 배울 수 있어서 좋았습니다.
What I learned from a counselor after my (marriage ended) was that I had surrounded myself with abusive, narcissistic people. There was one work situation that absolutely baffled me when I was still married and working in a sales job. My work team was at a sales meeting in a resort area, and we were all told that we had an entire afternoon off and could plan whatever we wanted to do. Four of us (3 women and 1 man) decided to rent a car and go to a well-known little town where several movies have been filmed, walk around the town and drink a beer while watching the sun set. We had been told that dinner was not structured, and there would be food stations to accommodate people's varied free time schedules. When we arrived back at the hotel, the bossed singled me out and screamed at me only for getting back late. Apparently the upper management decided to have a work meeting after dinner, but we were not told. I tell this story because I was the ONLY person of thec4 of us that the boss screamed at. For years I could never make any sense of it. (I knew he wouldn't yell at the man - but why not the other 2 women?) I now think that Narcissists innately know who are co-dependants are, and the boss knew he could scream and vent at me without repercussions. My hypothesis is that Stephanie Foo had a similar relationship with her boss, who screamed at her and told her that her work was inferior. She even admitted that she told her boss about her traumatic childhood - which gave him information that he could then use against her.
Oh do I ever agree with you. I was 14 yrs old and in middle school. We were playing badminton. We were all sitting on the floor taking a break. Out of the blue my PE teacher singled me out and started berating me. I need said a word. But I have been baffled for 61 years, wondering why she picked on me. Now I do have an idea. Abuse followed me all my life. And it's true, there was no start point. When I finish reading these valuable comments I hope Stephanie Foo's book will have been delivered to my Kindle.
Currently reading Stephanie’s book. I never want it to end.
Finally, a human has been able to put the right words together into comprehensible sentences which clearly describe a state of being for so many of us who shared similar childhood stories.
Thank you a million times from my younger self to Dr Ramani and Stephanie for your amazing work.
This is both agonizing and uplifting. So much of her story almost mirrors mine, it's incredibly validating and simultaneously painful to really take a good hard look at. My father was a violent drunk who abused me as a young girl from age 5 to 13 when he suddenly left for the other woman. My mother came unglued and I now had to care for her and my 4 younger siblings. At the same time, it became a total free-for-all. I went off the rails.
Where the parallels end is my family was well below the poverty line. We lived in a very rural and isolated area where neighbors weren't within shouting distance. There was a point where concerns were raised by my teachers, and an investigation by CYS resulted in the word "unfounded" forever being emblazoned across my brain. I began receiving mental health services at 13 after a failed suicide attempt. I was then in and out of treatment until I was ultimately placed in a residential facility at 17. On my 18th birthday I signed myself out and dropped out of school.
I didn't receive my PTSD diagnosis until I was 33. It was upgraded to C-PTSD at 35. Today is my 37th birthday. I stumbled upon this podcast while searching for trauma specialists in my area. My sister passed away in June from drug addiction and everything has bubbled back up to the surface. I need to face this thing and quit running because it doesn't stop chasing me. No matter how hard I pretend or try to deny, it still informs my day. It always has.
I watched this with my husband. What she said about her relationship with her husband really resonated with me. We have been together since I was 15. Almost instinctually, any sort of warmth, or kindness, or human compassion, or love is instantly met with scepticism and suspicion. I've been testing this poor guy for 20+ years. He's either a real trooper, or a glutton for punishment. I don't know what I did to deserve him.
I'm trying to be proactive now. I can't keep on this way. I need real help and real change. I don't want to fall in any more holes. My arms are tired from pulling myself out and I know I can't do it alone anymore.
It's been helpful to finally have a name for this thing. It's helped make some sense of the nonsensical. I also received an ADHD diagnosis at the same time, which tracks, unfortunately, but also very much complicates things. I've struggled for a long time. I'm really trying here.
Thank you so much for your candidness. You have inspired hope in me and a desire to fight for my peace and wellness. I've been fighting all these years anyway, just all the wrong things. Now I'm gonna have to buy your book. Truly. Thank you.
And thank you Dr. Ramani for using your platform to deep dive this type of subject matter. You are always so insightful and thorough and respectful. Thank you for your work. I was specifically searching anything you had put out about C-PTSD when I found this podcast.
This was well worth the watch and I will be sharing it with my mother, grandmother, and remaining siblings. Maybe it can give them a better understanding of themselves. Again, thank you.
Just the opening Author's Note on Stephanie's book made me cry. Well, I cried "The Body Keeps the Score" almost all the way through also, and Pete Walker's book too... 😅 🤷🏻♀️
I think one reason why people invalidate children's experience is if they said how bad it was they would feel obliged to do something about it and they don't have the energy to do so.
I’m only 15 minutes into watching this, and I’m already resonating with so much of it. I’m going to buy Stephanie’s book as soon as I finish watching this!.. Thank you both, Dr. Ramani, and Stephanie, for this podcast.. 🙌💜
Just recently read stephanie book definitely worth a read
Also a really pretty/stylish cover - which isn’t mentioned enough jaja
Whoa! I just read her book last week! Grateful for the your community spreading the word on CPTSD. I think it's probably more prevalent then anyone realizes.
I believe keeping quiet and not confronting abusive behaviors and attitudes in families that are not okay is ubiquitous. My way of disassociating has been work and advancing academically.
I wish I could personally thank Stephanie. It’s the first story that finally pushed me into therapy. Thanks to her, I found a therapist that specializes in complex PTSD. She uses the therapy she talked about in the book and heart math. I’m only a couple of sessions in but it’s obvious that this is right path. Thank you so so much.
I suffered so many years when I was younger from abandonment issues. My younger sisters Dad (who at the time, I thought was my real Dad too from birth) stopped picking me up and just got my sister. I couldn't understand why she could go but he would always tell me, "maybe, next time". I am thankful for my Eiea (My Moms sister) for taking me in when I told her I was going to runaway (at 10) because I couldn't handle it. She promised me if I stayed, she will move back home and she would never leave me again. That summer, she came home and never left my side until she passed in 2017. The kindest soul I ever knew and now I just cope with my depression of living life without her.
I am so grateful to you both for this 🙏Just bought Stephanie's book and can't wait to read it. I too suffer from CPTSD. Much love to you Dr. Ramani and to anyone reading this ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
So much mahalo and aloha for this conversation both of you! Timestamp: 2:57, 3:25. A human and culturally accurate voice to humanize this condition with a sense of realistic hope. Indeed greater than any textbook.
My narc biological mother gave me the silent treatment 24/7. Daily life: Her: 1. "Wake up 2. "Come eat" 3. "Let's go" (school) 4. "Go to bed" Repeat. Also berating, yelling and hitting. Thank you so much Dr Ramani and Stephanie!
This condition as destroyed my life" no matter who I see for therapy it's back the moment I leave and everyday when I'm awake it's with me as my past is as clear as day now and I see people in a different way. Suicide is my only escape and I have planned it but not set a date yet but I'm getting closer to doing that.listening to that young lady I feel the pain she as gone through, bless her.
I feel you.
As an only child who grew up in a physically and mentally abusive family, I totally resonate with Stephanie's situation. In addition to being fed what was sometimes weeks old food and constantly having privileges and things I enjoyed taken away, I suffered regular beatings that resulted in bruises, broken bones and chipped teeth. In an attempt to get help when I was a child, I did tell several teachers, my school friends and neighborhood children about the way I was treated by my parents. My parents, like Stephanie's parents, told me I was unlovable and that I needed to be hit and punished "so I would turn out right". I left home when I was 16 and only went back infrequently before I moved out of state and stopped seeing my family entirely. I've spent my adulthood trying to make sense of my childhood, to learn to deal effectively with my emotions and to let go of the unhealthy conditioning that told me I'm worthless and unlovable. Now, more than 50 years since leaving my family of origin, I had the opportunity to reconnect with a cousin. One of my questions to him was why no one intervened. He said he was unaware of my family dynamics. Later, I had the opportunity to talk to another relative who was an adult when I was a child. She said the same thing. I have often asked myself why nobody took my childhood stories of abuse seriously and intervened on my behalf. How is it that for abused children, the abuse and trauma goes unseen by those in a position to help?
I think it is their denial and fear to take initiative; willful blindness
Abuse blindness
Am sorry this happened to you; I appreciate this share. My own experience is similar it is scary isn't it? Then like an idiot I got into relationships over and over that replicated the early chilhood stuff.
Not an idiot, it may have felt familiar. As it was for me. Healing is possible 👍👍
So glad I found her book on audible earlier this year.
This is me. I became successful at work bc it was my form of escapism from my failing relationships at home. It’s the only place I felt validated.
I hear that! My escapism is music and cleaning!
Bought the book literally 10 minutes into the podcast. Stephanie Foo is an incredible guest and her story has so much resonance for people like me.
oh my god my life is so similar. My abusive dad left us at 10. My mom had to work 2 jobs so the 3 of us had to raise ourselves. I saw her for 30 min btwn jobs then again at 11pm. I became my mom’s surrogate spouse, she crossed sexual boundaries w me that are still hard to talk about, she was also physically, emotionally and verbally abusive. When I was 40 I had a cardiac arrest and died. While in ICU she picked a fight w me and abandoned me in the hospital. Got on a plane and left me. Neither she or my siblings contacted my husband to see how I was doing. A year or so later she wrote me a pathetic letter. I forgave her but our relationship was forever wounded. Of course i married a man just like my mom. He abandoned me through infidelity, abuse and eventually left me. I’ve been free from him for a year but still working through my CPTSD from him and my childhood.
I can’t wait to read her book.
This resonated with me so much. I have experienced betrayal since childhood through my parents' relationship and in every single romantic relationship..it is devastating💔. Thank you, Dr. Ramani for your education, support, and awareness. I still have hopes in having a healthy relationship one day, but it's very hard to trust at times. I realized that even when we are happy on our own and get educated on these patterns, we are still vulnerable to these relationships. Thank you for your daily help❤️
Wonderful story. I started reading her book. I understand ahe doesn’t have kids. My callout would be that she was able to heal and clean out her trauma, but if she chooses to become mother, the trauma will hit her hard again, as every day anything her child does will trigger her as well as bring back the trauma, so she will have a LOT to handle. Becoming the mother in itself is challenging enough, but combined with this level of trauma and lack of support from her family becomes extremely challenging. If she has supportive husband and his family to hold her hand through this, maybe this will work out, but otherwise, I would advise to be very careful making decision on starting family.
Thank you again, Dr. Ramani, for guiding us into so many different facets of healing. The stories shared here and the book suggestions are priceless.
My c-PTSD manifests as my jaw muscles clenching (no grinding or clenching of teeth, just my jaw muscles clenching like they are white-knuckling something, ready for a fight) and it happens when I lay down at night, every once in a while throughout the day.
I slept next to a monster for 14 years and I literally slept through simmering anxiety which spiked with loud noises or my ex rolling over.
This is my "Custard's Last Stand" in regard to my healing. I've gotten over the triggers from loud noises and somewhat with people talking loud, this is the one thing that's hardest to figure out. 😢
I am looking forward to reading her book~ I just downloaded a sample! ❤
I'll add that I am a thoughtful person who loves to think, ponder, discuss and talk. I think, subconsciously, my jaw clenching is me trying to keep my mouth shut, even though I needed SO BADLY to speak up. I was trained that my voice didn't mean anything, that I was stupid and that speaking up was disrespectful .
Ooooof, this healing is rough, but needed!
Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for coordinating and sharing this interview with Stephanie. It's a marvel! Much appreciated!
Her book was such an overwhelming, heart-rending read. I was fuming reading through most of it.
Stephanie's book is on my wish list. I resonate with her life story. My wish for her is to find peace, love, fulfillment, and a healthy life going forward. ❤❤❤
Thank you so much for sharing your story. Wow, I can relate to so much of it. I gotta get my hands on that book. My parents always implied or outright said everything was my fault, too. My mother read my journals, hovering over me if I was on the computer. I just rented your book, both audio, and then so grateful it is at the library. I came out to my self as gay in my journals, and she used that to dehumanize me and covertly coerce me into gay deprogramming hypnotherapy, which I only went to once, maybe twice. Sometimes I would see 'corrections' or cross outs in my journal. I can relate to that, and also needing to figure out how to protect myself.
I got the validation I have never got during my almost 40 years of my life. I have took similar path in life got my phd from elite university never trusted anyone and only relied on my self. Never got happier after my accomplishments. Never believed I am smart or beautiful my until mid thirties. Thanks a lot helped me a lot.😊😊
I had read the book months ago and am happy that you are interviewing the author and giving more attention to the topic.
I am trying to find hope in learning. I am not able to afford therapy, or have space in a schedule of trying to NOT be homeless, I just keep listening and hoping I can fix myself.
Loved this interview, loved Stephanie's book, and listened to other interviews with Stephanie eg. Forrest Hanson. .....all a must.
Stephanie is a wonderful spokeswoman for Complex Trauma. I'm a 64 year old woman with CPTSD, I wish we knew what we know now when I was growing up, my life would have been so different. However, for survivors today I'm so pleased there is a pathway towards health and understanding... society must understand the impact Cptsd has on people.
Thank you Dr. Ramani - I realised yesterday listening to your podcast, you have a voice that sounds similar to Mariska Hargitay. 🥰🤔
This was absolutely excellent interview. So much hope, perseverance and tough truths. Thank you!
Yes, Dr. Ramani, Stephanie Foo’s story is very relevant!!!
"Walking around in an experience THAT DIDNT MAKE SENSE TO YOU"...
.W😳W❗❗❗❗❗
I was/am the hulk when threatened. I have yet to find anyone capable of providing therapy. I am self-treated. It has been as bad as any inescapable battlefield. I now live pretty reclusively. I can’t deal with our society because when I looked up from the wreckage of my home life, when I removed myself from the situation, I noticed that millions of people act just like them. We are cruel and uncaring and I choose now to live out my life on my farm. Livestock isn’t abusive. All they want is attention and food.
I want to tell my story but need someone like Dr. Ramani.
I'm 63 and I still have these hand shaking episodes whenever I recall times my so called mom would be a witch to me and it was just me,I'm the oldest and I'm the one she took all her anger out on. I didn't realize this until I've been clean off drugs and alcohol for many years but I count uncontrollably, like my mind just goes blank and I'll start from number one and get up to like 11 before I catch myself and then I begin praying because my mind shuts down,it's super strange. I came to the conclusion that I counted as a child when I knew the abuse,verbal,physical and mental would start. That's all I can come up with and I was hoping some other people could shed some light on this theory I have. Blessings to all who are enduring. The demons keep appearing and the fear they instill in our lives can only be overcome by the strength of our God Yahweh in His Son our Lord and Savior Yeshua The Christ Messiah. Amen!😊
This whole interview deeply resonated. Thank you Stephanie & Dr Ramani ❤
Im 42 and very devoted to my work. Until today i never knew why.
Stigmas are strong. When I lived in the San Francisco Bay Area many years ago I often felt as if people just perceived me as just another white person who grew up in the suburbs, while in reality I was a person who suffered a lot of isolation and complex trauma while growing of in a rural town in Alaska and was quite estranged from my family.
Culture. Systems. Childhood. Resonate to all of it! Thanks for sharing these stories with us Dr.Ramani. I feel seen❤
I'm currently reading Stephanie foo memoir I can't stop reading it she did the right thing writing this hopefully this will help other people who suffered from abuse and are struggling with cptsd
I have similar horrific abuse in my holocaust survivor family.
As a black wooman I too suffer from the past abuses of slavery. I do sympathize with you.
I am the child of a Good German and I was abused too. The root of authoritarianism is a toxic mix of misogyny and binary thinking. I am so sorry
I'm deeply grateful to you, Stephanie and Dr. Ramani, for opening up and addressing the excruciating topics of complex PTSD and narcissistic abuse through writing, teaching and speaking. As survivors of narcissistic abuse and complex PTSD, we can feel so desperately alone and telling our truth can bring healing and hope for ourselves and to the collective. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your stories and doing the work of offering hope and healing. I wrote my story (Show White Rewritten: Gritty Not Pretty) and self-published on Amazon in 6/21. The year-long process was grueling and also brought me deep healing. Here's to telling our truth!
Thanks so much to both of you. The work the work both of you have done is so enlightening and validating for me. Thanks for your support and guidance
I listening to her ebook and I love how nothing is sugar coded. I cant wait to finish it. CPTSD sucks and people dont understand you.
Yeah, work (and prove yourself or die success) is a very common escape for survivors of CPTSD. We are running away from feeling the abuse and desperately seeking to prove ourselves worthy. A tighter equation cannot be found. After therapy, after engaging with all the tools, after reading all the books and joining a lovely, powerful online recovery group, I still never saw myself reflected anywhere. Ms Foo's book is the first time in my life I have ever seen myself anywhere else in the world and the parallels are exact all the way down to choosing the same word for that sludgy, persistent mix of anxiety and fear. For years I have had "the dread" and named it so. Also I've always wanted to come back as the Incredible Hulk and I did the whole I hate Christmas thing until I met my husband's family. That's the very tip of the iceberg of my identification with Ms Foo. Thank you Stephanie. I didn't even know how alone I was feeling. Did not even value NOT feeling alone until I read your book. We all do the thing, right? I'll engage and get what's good for me and be polite and respectful to things less relevant to me. Healthy. But there may be a human need to see ourselves reflected. Heh heh...yeah. You provided that for me.
My gratitude knows no bounds.
What an inspirational woman to rise up and change her story to one where she has hope. What courage and bravery she has for herself let alone then to share it in the hope of reaching others. A truly amazing human being ❤
Thank you 😊
My daughter-in-law had EMDR. She had very positive experiences. It's helped her a lot.
Just finished her book. Highly recommend it.
That’s a very good analogy it’s like having a broken leg and going up the stairs lol it’s true that’s how I felt in general with my ex and his friends etc it was like a war everyday
My mother was violent towards all my siblings and myself, and she constantly ran us down to everyone. I grew up,in Australia in the 60s/70s….Some adult relatives knew, including my Dad, but no one ever challenged her….or stopped her!
I was SO excited to listen to this session because I could tell from the introduction that this was going to be a conversation with the woman who wrote What My Bones Know, a book I had heard about on NPR, and have been ITCHING to read since I first heard about it. I feel that women like Stephanie Foo & Dr. Ramani are going to be key figures for a many (current &) future generations to look up to in their healing process! Very thankful for you both in helping me validate my trauma and experiences!! ❤❤❤
I would have preferred this. To have been abandoned physically by my parents if I was an only child, like Stephanie, and left with the house. Fully paid for??? Hell yes!! My situation was an emotional abandonment by my parents, but they both remained in the home. My father sexually molested me and did numerous sexually inappropriate things to me until I left home at 18 years old. My mother knew what type of man she married. She knew what my father had done to me, as I told her. She didn't care. She never did anything to protect me nor to protect my other siblings from him. I think she also feared that if it got out what was going on in the home, my father would have gone to prison, she would have lost her children because she had no real job skills, and we children would have ended up separated in various foster homes. The home was chaotic when my father got back to work and was never around. My mother could not handle nor cope with raising and caring for us five children while my father was working all the time. She would allow my siblings to harass, bully, and abuse me since I was my father's "favorite." It was crazy thinking, but she had to blame me and I had to be made the "family scapegoat" to allow her to feel less guilty. AlleI can say is thank God that my parents actually got us to church on a regular basis. Believe it or not!! I don't know where I or my siblings would be today without having the church presence in our lives.
To both the interviewer and Stepanie Woo,
Thank you, thank you. I read Stephanie’s book, which opened the closed door to who and why I am the person I am. This interview has solidified how i got there. God Bless your vulnerability… I will continue to follow as much as possible
Like Stephanie, my work was my solace. I was falling apart on the inside and the only thing that kept me sane was diving head first into a very busy job. That and my kids.
My mom would correct any mothers day or birthday cards & every little note with a red pen! I thought I was the only one. It is so eye opening to see just how many of us have lived through such similar experiences. Never knew narcissists had such predictable pattern.
I was also told that “if I told”. There would be a divorce and I wouldn’t want to be responsible for ANOTHER divorce, would I? It kept me quiet AND told me that my existence was the cause of the first divorce.
I handled court documents in my job, my supervisor would berate me and tear apart my documents. The Grammer and punctuation rules changed based on their moods, and I would hear things like "you need to focus better", "I don't understand why you can't get this through your head".
They retired, it got better immediately when I realized that I was needing completely normal support. But to this day, I have panic attacks in the file rooms..
I am so grateful for this, as so many people have not even heard of CPTSD. I would love to find out affordable services for treatment. I am 55yrs old and still suffering because of lack of proper diagnosis, only anxiety and major depression. So much collateral damage has taken place in my life due to a system that has so much catching up to do.
This was an amazing episode. Thank you both. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your story, Stephanie. I can relate on a personal level as well. I went through a similar journey with a covert narcissistic mother and a covert psychopathic wife. Their actions shattered my stability multiple times, leaving scars that I'm still healing from. Your openness is truly empowering and comforting to those of us who have faced similar challenges. It's a reminder that we're not alone in our struggles. 🙏
I have been through complex trauma in my childhood home AND as an adult, in the workplace repeatedly and far too often. What do you call that??? DOUBLE Complex Trauma??? Oh, I'm also a Survivor of Domestic Violence, Narcissistic Abuse, and/or Stalking from my ex-husband and the Family Law Court over the course of 30 years. So, is that TRIPLE Complex Trauma??? Frankly, as I type this, I've come to the realization that it's a miracle that I'm not a total basket case, nor a drug addict, nor an alcoholic, like so many people who this type of crap happens to. In fact, my ex-husband was a violent drug-addicted alcoholic. He was a Vietnam War Vet, but had personal problems before that since he was expelled from two different high schools and never finished high school. However, he was very charismatic and well-connected with many people, particularly narcissistic men like himself, in powerful positions.
You’ve had multiple post traumatic stresses that have caused a disorder. Every time you’ve experienced another layer, it has complicated the already stressful and traumatic events you’ve experienced. ..this is what differentiates PTSD from Complex PTSD.
It’s not double, or triple or quadruple CPTSD.. I mean at what point would one stop quantifying and to what degree? It’s complex. It has numerous complexities. That is what makes it a more complex form of PTSD. It’s multiplied.
OMG two of my all-time favorites in the same video and I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT FOR FOUR MONTHS!!?!?!?!
Because I was "problematic" since I was born. Because it only happened to me, the daughter, not to my brothers. Because she paint what my childhood was not what I tell her it was from my experience. Because my mother had a privileged position in the small city where I was born. Because of the gaslighting. Because " my memory is not good" and " none of these things ever happened. Because it was the 80s and 90s. Ultimately, " you are the sick one" who committed suicide proving that there is something wrong with you. Because my mother chose over and over again to protect her life at the expense of mine. Because she never apologized, because she always denied what happened to me. Because I " exaggerate" because "my life doesn't show that is working for me.....mostly anyone with a toxic family dynamic can understand all this thinking processes and where they take you.......and because a CPTSD brain doesn't want to lay off on the intrusive thoughts, memories etc. The dignity any human being deserves, kindness, and love ...are things we may yern yet feel is not for us. This is not a way for living, and for most of us who have been in therapy for many years and tried many things, we are acutely aware of not living to our full potential.
Dr Ramani is at her passionate best in this episode ❤
My mother called Cps when I was 12 and they took me to a group home because I was depressed and I was haven’t trouble with school my mother was very negligent my clothes smelled like cat urine and laundry was never cleaned and I didn’t want to go to school because I was so scared of the embarrassment that I felt I was emotionally abused since I can remember being called a stupid bitch a whore told I was hated by her and she didn’t want to see me so I wasn’t allowed out of my room a lot at the age of five I felt so much pain as a little girl I cried and she would come in not to comfort me but to cover my mouth and tell me to shut the Fuk up I watched her party in the house constantly get beat by different men and so on and told everyone I was a terrible child I never understand what I was doing to be terrible but just existing made me feel like a terrible person my whole life I became very depressed in my pre teens I was always depressed didn’t want to get out of bed cutting myself and I was condemned by her always screaming at me to shut the Fuk up and never any compassion or care about why I was in so much pain but anyway at 12 she put me in a group home i spent my 13 birthday in there I am 38 and in therapy I struggle with cptsd and trying to control it but I’m having a hard time this is still a really painful topic and my childhood is in my head every day I hope I can get better with therapy ❤🙏
Love shows up 💗 In the middle of reading the book now!
People in my extended family SAW that I was being abused. BUT they chose to be quiet because they would rather see me wounded and broken than happy and put- together.
I am not questioning your truth. But I just wonder if your extended family was too afraid to try and protect you.
Wonderful discussion interview Dr. Ramani. In fact, watching this and hearing all the verbal abuse Stephanie went through made me remember exactly one day when my mother told me that only she could put up with me because she was my mother, but that others would not. She said those things often and I remember it from my very young age. Now in my late 40s and living the consequences of all the abuse I received and took in.
Outstanding conversation.
"Going to a home with potentially more abusive parents" - Foo.
Yep. I completely understand that.
I'm glad culture was brought up here. It's hard getting therapy when the therapist doesn't understand your culture.This can make a person feel strange for having different beliefs. But there is nothing wrong with having a different culture. ...Even when I was in divorce court, I wasn't allowed to bring up how I was violated because it wasn't understood or important...but the narc knew and understood the culture and how he manipulated things.
Thank you this really helped me ❤ I hope you are both well
I love Dr Ramani and hearing from Stephanie Foo is incredibly insightful and interesting
Young children can’t be at fault for things, that’s not how the natural life process works. Children need help with growth, not control or shame to *force* them to be a certain way.
I didn’t receive any normal guidance either when I was young. And anyone who has made it to adulthood can count themselves as survivors and be a little proud about that.
Thank you Stephanie.❤
Excellent. I'm reading this book now and was thrilled to run across this podcast. Thank you so much for having her on.
Oh my god, I love her, thank you for this interview! So insightful, so touching, your tears at the beginning, you care so much. Much love back
This exact story happened to me. I've never given myself credit for it
This was wonderful! ❤ I'm getting the audiobook right now!
Wow! What a beautiful story…I would be so proud to call you daughter! Beautiful soul!
thanks Dr. Ramni
Dr. Ramini, you looks so polished and beautiful in this video. I love all your stuff and your casual style as well. You are a resource I share with all of my clients. Peace.