My dad was emotionally unavailable (and still is) because he had a terrible childhood (his dad was an alcoholic and would physically attack him and his sister) I have always felt like I've been chasing his love and attention and all I have ever wanted was for him to hug me and be a daddy's girl. He's been a great father in terms of financial security and I've always had a roof over my head, food on my plate and the latest toy, but rather than the toy, I would have loved to have had that hug or his attention/interest in something I was doing. As I've got older, I feel like we're growing apart even more, and even though he's never been a bad father, the fact that he was never emotionally there for me has definitely affected my relationships with men. As I've got older, I've realised I've been chasing after a 'father figure' in all my boyfriends and seeking that unconditional love from them. Then when it doesn't come in that exact format, I crash big time. I'm sure it's played a part in my life long depression.
Nicolle Velasco I'm glad to find someone that does (I'm finally not going mad!) but also sad that you've had to experience it xxx let's have a bear hug 🐻😄😘
OMG! I feel as if you wrote that about me. Extremely similar, all to add on my end is that he was an alcoholic. Have you noticed any similar behaviors in yourself? The hardest part has been accepting that I had several similar traits and didn't even know it. I'm sorry for the pain it has cost you, not many people truly understand how painful it is. My life has been a series of pain and suffering due to my lack of awareness. Chasing the love and attention that I lacked has profoundly effected my life. Finally at 38 years old I've begun my journey of self improvement. Wishing you nothing but the best. Stay strong.
Ooo, we're nearly the same age too! (I'm 40 this August) Spooky. I can't say I've noticed any similarities to my dad - I'm definitely much more tactile and sensitive. Maybe because he was like he was/is, it's made me what I am (!) Thanks so much for your kind wishes :-D and I wish the same for you - good luck with your self improvement xxx
My dad was just a person in the house. Not someone I could talk to, not someone I could cry to. His hugs are awkward and I never had that daddy’s little girl relationship that I wanted:/ so my mom made up a lot of love that he lacked to give. I’ve always wanted a loving man in my life. So I feel overly attached to my husband and freak out if we fight cause I think he’s gonna leave me. Or demand for more attention and affection when we’re just chilling at home. I try not to act that way but internally it’s so hard
Omgggg this is me with my brothers, my dad was just a person in the house, exactly as you described and I ran to my older brothers for that emotional support. Now I feel like I’m emotionally attached to them and confused to be on my own. Praying for you my friend ❤️
This made tears come to my eyes. My dad is the same. He is just there, but in recent years now that I’m 23 he tries to hug me occasionally and exchange a few words but it’s very awkward… I always wished we were closer. All the boyfriends I’ve ever had are controlling, because if they’re not I’m not attracted to them. I always go for the one that tells me what to do in life and gives my his advice and wisdom (like a father would) because I am so lost.
See I have this exact thing happen, but once I realized that it was causing me to cling to my boyfriend and fix that behavior, it manifested into HOCD and makes questioning if I was secretly a lesbian. It sounds crazy but when I think about it I’ve been hurt by the most important man that’s supposed to be in my life and the one person that has made me feel better every time he’s hurt me is my mom a woman. So my brain is trying to get me to push away from a man that might hurt me and go to a woman even though that’s not what I want. I am bi but i don’t want to leave my partner
Guy here. Emotionally unavailable fathers hurt sons just as much. We share the same pain, that feeling of not having a potential mentor to guide us through life and teach us how to be men. Most of my life, my father felt more like a rival or a boss than someone who's my own blood. Maybe it's my own insecurity too.
I’m so sorry you’re also going through this. For me it’s like he’s a stranger that lives in my house. I never realized how messed up I was until I recently started wondering what’s wrong with me. If only they knew how easy it is for them to hurt us.
I'm not a man, but I have a twin brother and I feel like it's the same for him. He always tells me he feels like my dad is a boss to him(also to me, but I feel like not as much, but I do have many traumas with him). I am sorry that you had to go through all those things, I know it can be really really hard. I'm sending lots of good energy, so you can overcome this problem and break the cicle.
Sometimes I feel like the trauma I felt as a child was all in my head, or is something I am not allowed to feel, because overall I had a really good childhood.
Me too. Growing up, I had a home in a safe neighborhood, never went hungry, had toys and fun things. But the further out I get from my childhood, the more I’m realizing how my emotionally unavailable father has negatively impacted almost every aspect of my personality and my life- shallow friendships, avoiding conflict, low self esteem, promiscuity, negative self talk, substance abuse issues, impulsivity, bending over backwards for men in romantic relationships (including being clingy, playing hot-and-cold, compromising my values to win a guy), and constantly seeking approval from anyone and everyone. I’m a mess
I relate to this but you have to trust yourself. We were born able to trust ourselves we were taught to question our feelings. You are capable of enjoying memories from your childhood while recognizing room for healing 💜✨ love and light
As a boy he thinks that i should non-emotional person and stop being a girl but whenever I tell him how I feel he rubs it off and whenever I would suggest something he would always have it his way and not my way and he gets mad when it’s not his way and I always looked up to him emotionally but I’m not gonna do it anymore I just wanna move out and be free
Why do people have kids they have no idea how to raise? How hard is it to use protection? How hard is it to read a book about proper parenting? Listen to a podcast? Take a lesson? Ask for advice? Anything? This drives me insane. Then the kid is left to pick up the pieces and clean up a mess thats not even their own.
Exactly you just said my heart out. Nobody asks these parents from the sky to have kids and then make them feel like shit throughout the life. People just get married, have sex and produce kids, they don't think of any consequences or how that kid will survive on earth.
Our generation has access to lots of information and knowledge on relationships and psychology. There is also an incentive for self development now that didn’t exist as strongly before. Our parents and past generations didn’t have the same resources and learning these things wasn’t something people did like now. The good thing is that we are aware now and can make changes, grow, and be better for us and the future generations.
I was living a dream that my father loved me, only now, after 40 years I realise that I was living in an illusion, my father is a selfish heartless man.... it broke my heart for years
Yes, it's truly incredible how much we can lie to ourselves. I've done the same, lied to myself about my emotionally absent and self involved mother and father. Glad i'm waking up as painful as it is. Good luck to you!
My dad gave me everything materially, but was very emotionally unavailable. He never showed interest in me and never gave me emotional support. Growing up I never cared about it and I simply accepted it as it is and didn't even care that my brother got all the attention; the feeling of him being a stranger only increased with each passing year, but now I notice in adulthood how damaging all that has been. I have severe low self-esteem (depression, basically) and the feeling that I am unimportant...all the time, which has deeply affected my development as an adult. I started with therapy last month and confronted my father about it a couple of days ago...his neglect and egotism was all the more apparent to me as he showed practically no signs of remorse and after a while told me we had talked enough to go watch a soccer game with my brother as I was pouring my heart out...
My mother had to become both parents and because of that she became an alcoholic (I was her target for abuse because of her lonliness and anger). I was a teen and the one time I poured my heart out to my father about how I wished there was a DAY of no alcohol, he just walked off and went to another room without saying a word. He just left while I stayed there bawling my eyes out. To this day I don't drink any alcohol or smoke any cigarettes because of my anger at how my parents are.. and what they could've been, like so many other normal parents.
The fact that you are aware of the cycle is a big big big deal. Since you are aware, if you ever want to have children you could take the steps to heal and break that cycle. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I have an an emotionally unavailable / narcissistic father and it is not easy.
You don't have to not have children. I had two emotionally unavailable parents, but I learned how NOT to be as a parent. My kids grew up healthy, happy and productive human beings. So please change that mindset!
*“Distant Breadwinner” that’s my dad.* I’ll always respect him for working hard, paying bills & even helping with household chores (though he does have OCD). But he was totally absent emotionally. I remember him coming to play basketball or a video game with me (like once every few years) & when it was over telling me, *“Make sure you tell your mom I did this with you ok?”.* He was doing it to appease her. This led to her overcompensating for his lack of love by her over coddling and doing everything for me. I’m 30 & still struggle with depression, low self esteem and the thought that, “I can’t do anything on my own” because mom always did it for me. If I’m ever lucky enough to have kids I’m going to tell them I love them everyday (because my father never did) but make sure they learn independence & self reliance (because my mother didn’t). Did I mention I’ve been in therapy for over a decade? Lol ah good times. 🥴🙂
Yes! I relate. I had trouble getting out on my own b/c if that instilled fear that I wouldn't make it. These types of behavior create lots of codependency. I've been separated from my family for a few years due to this amd other toxicities. The good that has come is me realizing my own power and that I can make it on my own
Little by little set up one goal a week and do it. Your nervous system and your inner child will learn that it can trust yourself to do things and goals and slowly that wound goes away. Building discipline is a way to prove your inner child your adult self can take care of things is a matter of practice. I am in therapy too and this has helped me tremendously!
I was quiet and compliant, just trying not to get in trouble from what I can remember. I also daydreamed, which is still something I tend to do. My mind will go to the most random of places.
I wish my parents had been in therapy while raising me and my brother. I think they were completely unaware of how they were affecting us. Now I'm in therapy aged 30 and I'm trying to reparent myself feeling resentful towards them, although I know they didn't know better having difficult parents themselves.
Saying they didn't know better is an excuse to me. You know when you're hurting someone: people make up stories to ignore it. Parenting isn't easy but there have ALWAYS been resources. They chose not to seek those and proceeded to ignore their wounds because that's the type of world we live in. Forgive for yourself but dump the excuses for them. It's Stockholm Syndrome and societal BS that covers up for the mistreatment of children. It's way too normalized.
My 3 sisters and I are all in therapy and we also lament that it really is our parents who needed(heck, still need) therapy but like we've heard in other videos, we can only change our behavior and not control others so at least you're doing the work you need to do to better yourself
I resent this a bit too- why couldn't they have healed thir issues instead of saying, "Kids don't come woth instructions" or other dismissive things? If I'm taking the time to inner reflect, why couldn't they? My mom went to psychologist here and there for her mental sickness though but both of them failed me amd my siste.
Are your parents still alive? If they are I would strongly advise you to have a discussion with them. I dont think I understood how deeply my parents affected me until after they passed away. I really wish I had confronted my mother about why she used me for a scapegoat. There were 4 of us,but it was me she hated. I always felt there was something really,really wrong with me-if your own mother can’t love you you must be a monster. It’s the one thing I regret. Now her voice lives in my head and constantly reminds me what a stupid,useless fool I am.
I’m very afraid of being a distant father in the future. So I try to be in touch with my emotions and to have healthy relationships. It’s still very hard, but I would feel horrible if I was unavailable to my future spouse and kids.
Hey I understand its been a year since you're post, but reading this I can relate. I'm 31 and I feel the same. Throughout my twenties I spent all my time "working on myself", I lived according to a mantra of, "Love thyself first, and you will be all the more a loving person." It feels like there are people in my life, but they are like on another continent, or living on another planet often. Watching videos on youtube is like recieving messages as in that movie Interstellar. It's the animals in my life who help me to be in life and the world, especially my cat and foster kitties. May this message find you well, and take care.
You’re already on the way to being a good father; most with these issues about being unavailable are there because there’s no self awareness. I wish you luck!!
@haileymae11 Not enough by itself, let me tell you. It has to materialize in consistent change, or the intention is void. Had this type of partner- lots of broken promises, that's all it leads you to. Recognizing it is just like starting a diet: the easiest part actually. Sticking through with it, making subtantial and persistent changes, that's the hard part.
Im a dad of a 4 wonderful 4year old boy and I love spending time with my son. I give him hugs, kisses and tell him how much I love him and do my best to be as stable and in the moment as I can
I have an emotionally unavailable father. I probably don't even realise the full extent of how it's affected me. But my whole life I've felt this kind of hole inside me. I've lacked direction, motivation and overall energy in my life. I've always seen myself as kind of mellow person but I think underneath that is anger because of this wound that my father has caused.
I never related to a video. My father just critiques me in everything I do. He never notices the good things and accomplishments. I feel like I’m never enough for anyone. I’m literally crying writing this because I just feel so empty and insecure
Well, my father is really ambivalent in his actions. Some times is happy and making jokes, then explotes and become violent, specially with me and offensive. As a family we said to him that he needs help. Im in therapy to overcome a lot of things in my life.
I can so relate to what you described here. I actually see and saw the same non-consistent behaviour with my dad for as long as I can think of. However, though many people tried to tell him to seek help, the only one ending up seeking help for the past 4 years was me :) I really hope you're doing OK and learned a few things to cope with it
same type for me, my dad in his peaceful mode is a joy to be around but during his irritated moments, anything can get him mad and having an opinion can mean him discarding me from ever going to school.
Interesting. My Dad was a workaholic who easily polished off a case of beer within a few days. He was an angry and distant guy. I thought most of it had to do with Mom. She would pick fights when he got home, so he'd not eat and instead, head to his night job. Note he did not need the night job. The day one paid all the bills and far more. The other gave him money "to play the stock market". He regularly ridiculed my weight and how I may have gotten an A-, even if all the other grades were A's. Sheesh. As an adult, we were estranged for 7 years. This was my choice. I found him too hard to be around. However, when I received a call from the hospital telling me to come, I went. I spent the next 1.5 years traveling from my state to his to care for him. He had dementia and then stomach cancer and liver failure. The dementia turned him into a nice guy. That last year and a half gave me the Dad I'd always longed for. So, although it was heart-breaking, it was the best time I could have asked for. He died in 2015 and I actually miss him. Thanks for another thought-provoking video.
Donna G Thanks, Donna. What was I to do? He was my Dad, my family. We take care of family. I believe that's the way it works. Regardless, that's very kind of you. :)
I'm 64, my dad passed in 2017. His mom was mentally ill. He had a military career...Boys Don't Cry. He couldn't show affectation to us kids. My mission in life was to do everything he asked me ... hoping he would show me love. It never happened. 😭 It's A deep heartache 💔
This hits home. My childhood was great, my dad was a CEO of a company so often gone, and my mom took all of the emotional support in her hands. My Dad was amazing. His love language was acts of service and gifts. He was nice and loved me, I know he did. I had a good childhood... but he did NOT show me any emotional support. I hugged him as a kid, but stopped and I dont know when this happened and he never tries to hug me. We have never talked about feelings... and I have no idea how to have a conversation with my dad now. He was an opinionated person so any conversation we had turned into an hour long lecture, so I started to avoid any deep topics with him. I can't remember the last time I even touched my dad.... and I feel awkward around him... and I think he does with me sometimes. Often my Dad would try to step in and parent me by telling me what to do, but there was no emotional support backing it. My Mom had a cancer scare earlier this year and my biggest fear was losing her because I didn't know how to have a relationship with my dad with out her. The only person my Dad is emotionally open with is her, and I feel like as his only daughter I would have to feel that role, but I have NO CLUE how that would work. I feel like his emotional neglect has really effected me as a person... but I feel guilty because he wasn't a bad Dad in the big picture. It is also why I feel guilty for feeling this way. Why bring it up to him if its just going to make him feel bad. Its already over and done with.
My father wasn't abusive or absent, but I didn't get some of my emotional needs met from him. I really wanted to get some male bonding from him, but I never got that. So I used my older brother as my masculine role model. It is so important for young males to have good masculine role models available to them. If they don't get that they are likely to adopt a destructive masculine identity. Witness all the gangs in our cities.
Kati, thank you so so much for this. My father was an extremely abusive person all throughout my childhood. Honestly, the emotional abuse trickled into alot of physical violence too. It was very scary. And, somedays, even though I'm now almost 25, I find all those scary moments still affecting me terribly. Sometimes I find myself repeating some of those emotionally abusive patterns. And, sometimes I find myself too scared to say or do anything in regular social situations, just because someone has SLIGHTLY raised their voice. But, Kati, your videos have been helping me so much the past 6 months. And, I really can't thank you enough for what you're doing. I very much hope that all the great things you've done for us all come back to you ten fold. With love, Lucky Wright. 🎆
Evelyn Revolorio for sure! Therapy has been really great for me too! Though, there will definitely not be a forgiveness on my part unless there is a legitimate sorrow expressed by him for his actions. Which there never has been. Also, it's a little deeper than I'm putting on. The physical abuse was in the form of me watching my 400pound-benchpressing cop father stomp on my 6 year old younger brother's head. And, this was consistent behaviour that had not stopped for over a decade. Even through him getting couple's therapy with my mom, he never admitted what he did was wrong. The screaming was so bad, I could hear him yelling in my head every night when I went to sleep(sometimes at random during the day), all the way into my 20s. This is not to even mention that he sat idly by as I was raped for over 4 years. None of this abuse happened even close to on this level to my father during his childhood. He had no excuse or reasoning for his actions. It was a more pure form of evil than just your typical story of cycles of abuse through generations. Forgiveness isn't going to come without repentance or death in my case. He's just lucky I love my life and have all this beauty to live for now, or I would take care of it myself. I know this is all incredibly dark for this comment section. I know alot of people come here for the light feels that Kati provides. I come here for that too! She's amazing! And, I do think everyone really needs to remember how important forgiveness is in 99% of people's healing process. But, there a rare instances where forgiveness actually impedes our healing process due to the nature of the person(notice I didn't say nature of the act) who has committed specific sustained acts against us. Sorry to blow up your small comment into something this big. I know you were just trying to help me 😜 Honestly, I'm doing very well with the path that I'm on! But, thank you! Also, sorry if this is a bit much for your comment section, Kati 😑
Christian Wright oh. I understand. Im glad that you are going well with the path that you took. I hope your heart heals. I choose the path for in my healing process to.. S and I'm taking step by step to give myself the love that I need to continue in this life. I wish you the best. Lots of hugs from Guatemala.
First of all, I am so sorry that you have gone through this. You didn't deserve it. I myself have an extremely abusive father and I can understand how hard your childhood must have been. Starting a therapy and finding someone to talk to is always a great idea because people who have abusive parents struggle with many issues. Second of all, don't force yourself to forgive your father. Focus on yourself! Do the things that make you happy and try to find a healthy way to relieve anger (I practice boxing) Remember that you deserve a beautiful and happy life!!! Take care!
My father is a soldier and I was basicaly raised as one. I am a feminine woman but only got praised if I held a gun right or did good at karate for example. I am suposed to be the "silent girl" that only does what is told. All because he haven't healed from his relationship w his mother (who abused me as well) yet here I am building a path for myself so I can finally be free. Stay strong guys. I love u all And U can do it!
@@goodvibes2334 offended and defensive. Poor combo *goes to a video about emotionally unavailable or distant fathers to find that one comment stating a generally true statement to bring up how mothers can be worse*
Yep that's how my hubby acts towards our son. Emotionally unavailable. This is a true fact. Even though hubby lays around at home he doesn't spend enough quality time with our son.Kids learn and build confidence when they spend quality time with there dad's especially boys.
It's your obligation to do something about it. Really parents should pay for what they do to children just like common criminals. You are not allowed to not love your kid. You made him, all he suffers is on you. If you can't love your child you should be flayed.
Before I started therapy I always thought I had a really nice dad. He spent loads of time with me in my teens doing various hobbies of his together with me and we went on holidays together (my mum tended to my sick sister). I idolized him when I was younger. When we hung out together he did almost all the talking (anecdotes from his youth that painted him in the best light and complaining about mum) and I did all the listening. In this same period I developed anxiety, depression, binge eating, crippling perfectionism, and I thought of suicide. I had the hardest time making friends my age. Fast forward to therapy some 20+ years later and I learned about covert emotional incest and suddenly all those issues that 'sprung out of nowhere' made sense. My father treated me like a spouse and used our relationship to satisfy his emotional needs while completely neglecting mine. This type of father is not a perfect fit in any of the categories in this video, but I'd thought I'd mention it just in case someone recognizes their own story in mine. We can only start to heal once we realize what was done to us.
My Father was mentally ill and as a result I had emotionally unavailable parents...not just one. My Mom was too busy dealing with my Dad. Can you do a video expanding on the past two about having both emotionally unavailable parents?
Incredible, I thought that combination didn't occur too much! But I totally feel you, everybody took care of my father and I was just dragged along. Safe journey to you, I wish you all the best for your recovery! We'll all meet each other at the finish line, until then!
Another thing to consider is do you remember? It is normal that we may not know or have blank spots where we can't remember anything about Dad when we try to do some of this work. It could be that if your Dad was violent or hurt you (especially as a young defenseless child) you could have disassociated (Kati has some great videos on disassociation check them out) to get through whatever scary thing was happening. This could be why you feel like you go blank when a confrontation is about to happen in the present. You may remember the start of the event and maybe know you felt shaky after but can't recall anything that was said in between. If this happens to you presently you want to work with someone like Kati to help keep you present in session while you talk about scary stuff. This could be processing what's happening now or when trying to piece together what happened when you were a child. Just my thought. Loved this video Kati thank you for putting it together do well!
No way! This always happens to me. I do all of the non-confrontational 'blacking out' of sorts. It definitely keeps me from living the life I deserve. I want to be present but this 'coping' skill that used to help is definitely not helping move in a healthy or happy direction.
I remember many of my instances of being abused, but I struggle to recall any normal daily interactions with my mom. I know she was there in the background but I can't remember playing with her pretty much ever. Idk if she was just distant or I was just self-centered or I'm blocking things.
I'm not talking about the serial killer variety, but an acquaintance, friend, or boyfriend who becomes obsessed. I was initially friends with a woman and she started to become possessive and it got completely out of control. I know there were a lot of issues in her family and didn't know if there were certain disorders (that Katie has talked about) that would perhaps cause one to stalk. My stalker finally moved away, but it's hard not to worry about who she's tormenting now. I hope that she got help for her multiple issues though and that her stalking tendencies got better along with her other issues.
my strategy was to try to get by unnoticed to avoid being shamed or called wrong, stupid or weird by my Dad. Many, many years later, once I realized my limiting beliefs and where they came from, I started to search ways that I could practice expressing myself in an environment that felt safe. It's uncomfortable work but does pay off eventually. Thanks Kati, for your videos, they're very helpful.
I am 26 and I have talked too much about a topic to try to impress my father, according to him. Most of the time, when we talk, it seems to me that it's for him a quick break, like there is always something more important for him than us talking. I'm hurt because I keep trying to have something deep with him, I have this habit, but it's just a break that he takes before doing something that seems to be always more important. I have noticed that, sadly, I do the same thing with him sometimes. I am trying to correct it though, and I'm trying to improve on this. :) Thanks for the video. always healthier, always happier.
Maybe he is not ready the way you are... for a lot of people it's hard to have a deep conversation.. the conscience isnt awake yet... ask him what he likes? What he wishes? Talk about hood things he achieved or done in his life.. its maybe a start to open a conversation.. try not to focus on yourself all the time ...
I had no daddy issues growing up they sprouted up when I was 17 years old and whew whenever I see a father with their young daughter I break out crying. If a youtube personality says "I'm her to give fatherly advice" I can't stop the tears. & Like another commenter said I look for a 'father figure' type man in my relationships. Really would prefer to not have these occurrences.
I am glad I found this.. I am struggling to cope up with this for more than 2 decades now. And its just now (that I am 26 yrs old) that I realized I am not okay with it.. and I am constantly feeling depressed about it.
I don’t feel comfortable towards my father. I feel so creeped out when he’s around. He’s never intentionally touched me in anyway. I’m an only girl of 4 siblings. And I have noticed that he has become quite obsessed with me and I don’t feel okay with the way he looks at me. I don’t feel safe.
Are you an intuitive person? I felt this exact way in my teenage years (however my dad passed when I was 17) and my father has never touched us, didn’t even like to spank. But his temper was scary. His father was extremely emotionally and physically abusive, and at age 14, (my dad had a Lil sister my age) the rest of the family found out he’d been raping his daughters for decades. My adult aunts as kids, and my aunt who was my age currently was being molested. Grandpa was always very weird and inappropriate but never touched me or my sister. After that, I was afraid of my dad. He had a hot temper and pride issues. Too proud to be weak and such. Never got to settle that as he passed by car accident.
My parents got divorced and both remarried. I cannot say that my dad completely abandoned me but he certainly was not there and was more like a distant relative. As a was growing up the feelings of longing for his attention turned into annoyance and disgust. When I realized that it’s the build up anger I actually told him how I truly feel in hope to start an honest dialogue. Sometimes all we need to hear is a simple “sorry” but instead I got something like “get over it.” This feeling of childhood resentment is so strong and is coming from such unconscious places in our brains that it’s impossible to fight. I have always thought that I must forgive him but I truly believe that it’s not possible to shake that instinctual emotion... this is a very complex topic
My dad was emotionally abusive. He treated my sister and I like we were horrible, rebellious kids when we almost never got into trouble. His anger was irrationally excessive, which was incredibly confusing, but he never was overtly violent. I remember somewhat wishing he would’ve actually gotten violent so I could finally be upset without being blamed for not respecting him (though he likely would’ve defended himself even in that case). He would try to tell us sometimes that we were “good kids,” but he never had any emotion behind it and it was probably only because my mom would constantly argue with him that we weren’t terrible. He always had a way of not going quite as far as he could have as if to at least protect the facade of being a decent person. After watching Kati’s video, I realized how much I was just trying to be unnoticed when I was growing up. I’ve been doing therapy for several months now, but I hadn’t quite focused on my childhood from that perspective yet. My dad was so unpredictable, I just didn’t want anything to do with him. It wasn’t a safe option.
Your childhood sounds a lot like mine. My dad was emotionally abusive and unpredictable. It didn't help he was a high-functioning alcoholic, too. I never felt like I was good enough despite getting good grades and not getting into trouble. I was like you--just trying to fly under the radar. I never believed anything good that came out of his mouth because he would turn right around and tell us how ungrateful we were, how much he hated being a parent or having a family. Were holidays and family get-togethers tough for you? They were at our house. I dreaded the holidays--he always managed to ruin them, despite my mom trying everything she could to make them special. After I left home and married, it took me years to enjoy the idea of Christmas. My mom died ten years ago and I really wish she hadn't---dealing with my dad, even at arm's length--is emotionally exhausting. Good on you for going to therapy. I need to do that--this unresolved anger and disappointment with my dad is depressing me.
I'm sorry to say that I relate to this so much :/ I grew up in a nice home and we were always financially cared for so I never thought I had a right to complain since my father wasn't physically abusive. I would always walk around on eggshells and be afraid of what mood he was in, I still do this in my relationships and am I very careful person in general
Omg this is insane. My father is the same way. Expect my mom is always on his side. I dont live with him anymore but it just makes me angry that everyone treats me like they dont understand why I'm not close to him. I just hope my son doesn't feel the same way about me
I've been fortunate enough to be in therapy for a LONGGGG time (had over 8 therapists) and I gotta say, not much of a help. It was nice to be listened to, but (good) friends already do that for free.
ChannalMath that’s definitely not true. At all. Professional therapy, especially EMDR is extremely beneficial. A professional who knows what they’re doing and how to deal with a client is far better than a “stable friend”. Even if the friend’s heart is in the right place. Therapists know how to help people who need it.
What parents need to realize instead of ignore, is that their children end paying for the mistakes they make! We suffer from our parents lack of understanding, lack of support, lack of so much that is needed in a child’s life!!! I have bad relationships bc of the lack of all from my mother and now my kids have awful fathers too!! My daughter has an unemotional father and my son has an unavailable father!! I feel like such a failure !!!😰
Well growing up I saw my dad for about an hour or 2 every day completely sober/participate in my family. Then around 5-6 o'clock he heads to the basement to drink and watch movies, all isolated and he'd occasionally come upstairs to join in on whatever conversation for about 2 minutes then go back downstairs. And I would never know if he was going to be angry, caring, nice, drunk, annoying, etc. so I never said anything and put my personality away. I walk around my house trying to go unnoticed by him, so he won't bother me if I'm being honest. I just feel so uncomfortable around him and that my wants never mattered it always had to be me conforming to what he was feeling
thank you for giving me the feeling that you’re my ally and that you understand. your videos feel like a hug. fun fact: i always know that i’m struggling with my mental health again when i cry/almost cry while watching your videos. it’s like a heads up “oh i should take care of myself more”
Kati, I can’t tell if my dad loves me or not. I know I can’t ask him because he’ll probably just tell me what I want to hear. He has said he loves us, one time that I can remember. But he’s so emotionally absent and passive. Is it possible to be that way and still be capable of love?
my father is like this. so incredibly passive. mine is also confusing and strange. he rows with my mum, they communicate awfully, he even left for 4 months then moved in again like nothing happened. it is so hurtful and yet so cold. hope you get some help because i hope i do too! im nearly 24 and it still breaks my heart when i visit home, it has been the background of my entire childhood. xx
PrettyPinkPeacock I’m sorry you’ve also experienced this. You should definitely get help since it still is having such a huge impact on you. When my parents were together, they did fight a lot but I think that was mainly my moms fault tbh. I’m pretty sure she’s a psychopath or sociopath idk. My dad on the other hand fits a lot of the schizoid traits. I suspected that years ago but obviously I’ll never know for sure unless he sees an actual professional. He’s very non confrontational which goes with the whole passivity.
I'm sure he does, but he probably grew up just as traumatized. My Dad is super passive too and I hate it and see him as emotionally weak and stunted, but the truth is he was probably more emotionally neglected than I was.
dad was an alcoholic. always angry we weren't allowed to be loud or laugh a lot. He would bang on our doors and windows, break things, and scream. He threatened to kill himself infront of us with a knife. My whole childhood was like this. I'm not saying its his fault but I have a lot of anxiety attacks, depression, and eating disorder issues. A lot of things have been bad lately and I don't want to but i think about killing myself A lot.
My dad was always emotionnaly unavailable to me and he would get jealous if my mother showed me that she loved me . He never liked me at all and he showed it shamelessly .Im sharing this with you to show you that you're not alone in this . If you scroll down the comments , you'll read hundred of stories about absent and abusive fathers . And The therapist Kati here is trying to show us that there is hope for us to someday be at peace with our past and ourselves , we may need to do it on our own or with a therapist but we have a chance to actually get there ! I thought I didn't have that chance before reading all of these stories and watching these videos. I found this thought helpfull , and I hope you will too .
My dad is emotionally unavailable, but somehow we kind of get along, and I found myself falling in love with emotionally unavailable people because it painted the picture of love for me. I’ve never not experienced unrequited love. And sometimes I feel like if the person does like me I’m “my father” I distance myself because true love makes me uncomfortable. Now I’m distancing myself from anyone romantically and working on this so that no one can get hurt. It sucks
I was the funny guy at school. After i moved out i wasn't trying as hard to be funny and became more of myself. A lot of the time the funny guy is hurting on the inside.
FOR people dealing with DETACHED/ABSENT fathers. The book Absent Farhers, Lost Sons talks about the effect an absent father (emotionally, spiritually, physically) on their children. sons specifically. men too have pain and feelings as women do, you deserve to heal and be happy in life 🤍
My father has never been there, the conversation would be soooo awkward. He would deny it all! My siblings take his side and take my moms side, basically Im the crazy one its always been thus way! So I just journal
My dad was very erratic when I was younger. Constant mood swings (mostly anger) and just never really there emotionally. He never tried to hide the fact that I was and still is his least favorite child. I have a younger sister and an older brother that he's always shown more interest and love towards which hurt extra bad because my brother isn't even his, just his step son. I've always felt almost betrayed in a way, that he liked someone that's not even his own son more than his own son. He has gotten a lot better over the years and we get along pretty well even though he is still very distant and I am the one that has to initiate any contact. I've slowly learned to get past it but it's been a real struggle to try to "turn on" my emotions again after decades of shutting them down to cope with it all.
Hey kati this feels like your completely describing my childhood. But what if my entire family was emotional unavailable and was just told to bottle up all my feelings
In all honesty.. the tips I offered in this video can still help. Seeing an attachment based therapist will be really helpful for you :) xoxo And you can heal from it
I struggle with feeling conected at all with any Of my parents Yes They gave me everything and tried really hard They were There but They did things wrong and I dont Know how to feel conected to them again. I have adhd and both my parents would scream at me when I had melt downs i was told that I was ruining trips for example and I Know that it Is my Fault They think everything is Ok What should I do? How do I feel conected again? Sorry for The long stupid ramble Now I am also struggling to create new relationships because I Know I will ruin Their life
It can take time to rebuild trust when our parents could have been really hurtful in the past.. talking through what happened with a therapist can help us heal from that, and only then can we begin to learn to trust or feel connected to them again. So give yourself time to heal and know that it will get better. xoxo
I have a similar experience. Your struggle with new relationships struck a chord. I think that is at least partly to blame for me not being able to have a romantic relationship. Food for thought...
Try talking to them about their childhood, that usually makes them feel more real and takes away their mask of just being this abstract "dad" or "mom" concept. It will also show how similar they are and struggled with the same issues as you when they were younger. It makes you see that they were just some average people who happened to have kids and made a lot of mistakes. And it made sense that they made those mistakes.
My father feels too guilty to talk about the past. And now I'm the one who moved to another country, so it's not the same as in person. His final and third wife taught him to be nice and available (as much as he can)
Thank you so much for this video. Exactly what I needed to hear. I've struggled with this with both my parents who were emotional unavailable and made me feel like a disappointment to them all the time. Keep up the great work. Thank you so much Kati!!
Thanks for this, Kati. My father suffered from depression and was emotionally distant/absent growing up. When I was 18, he committed suicide and I am still working on healing this wound. I also have a sister who is borderline but refuses to get treatment/admit she needs help. I would love more videos on these topics! Thank you
I was put in foster care the last time I remember seeing him was when I was five years old. It's been eight years since I've seen him. My grandma called today and over heard her talking with my adopted mom. She said I have been trying to get him to send her a letter but he won't. As if he doesn't want to know his own daughter. Thinking about I don't know how he looks it has been so long.
My father is an emotionally unavailable and an absent father. He never asked he simple questions like How was your day? What do you want to become when grown up? Only once my birthday was celebrated when I was 5 yrs. old. He had vision and mission for his children, about what they want to become. He never hugged me till date.
More videos about fathers who are problematic would be really great, especially regarding emotionally abusive fathers. I feel like people often forget how damaging emotional abuse is.
I agree, emotional abuse is underrepresented. I didn’t even realize until much later in life that even this type of behavior as described in the video is an example of emotional abuse.
Hi Kati. I’m watching this video during an emotional episode that occurs around once every few months. My father left us when I was 2 and has been absent my entire life. He even started another family. He failed to provide anything for my older sister and I but seemingly gave my 1/2 sister everything and more. I am now 18 and we do not have relationship. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized his problem with drug abuse. He nearly died a year ago due to his addiction but ended up going back to using. His absence in my life is really starting to affect my mental health and the way I carry on relationships. My boyfriend of over a year and I are working through problems stemmed by my daddy issues. Therapy seems like the only thing that will help me move on and I want to know your thoughts on the situation. Thank you so much for the video, it really opened my eyes and gave me strength to want to move forward.
I learned to avoid interacting with my dad, I never knew when he'd be angry, or drinking, or both. Trying to help him with something always ended up with me being a failure, never doing anything right. Is this why I have avoidant personality disorder? I thought it was only social anxiety, but maybe not.
Wow. A lot of the things you mentioned really brought back memories of how I used to cope as a child. I’ve worked on this with my therapist, but she’s never taken this route in healing my thoughts of men. Maybe she’s still trying to have me evaluate my trauma and we haven’t gotten there yet. This whole process is overwhelming 😞thank you for the video, it really got me thinking.
This is exactly what I was thinking about last week of why I cannot forgive myselft about my traumas from bullying and a great rage to my parents, especially to my father. Now I feel more compassion towards them because both were upbrought from ausent parents too.I am not close to my recovery, I still want to blame them for making me so isolated to the point I considered suicide as an option at 12 years old (I am 30 now) when the greatest bully was using torture techniques, drinking dirty water, he didn't let me go to the WC for hours, ice in my back during winter, threats to bully my first crush, he always tried to offer me a deal to not being bullied anymore as long as I bully others like he did to me, I didn't accept it. My parents don't know that I was sexually harrased from two girls and many other stuff. I remenbered that two (lesser) bullies were obligated to apologized and I didn't believe them I wanted that they suffered as much as I suffered, I knew later that they were threated to being expelled from school, they cared too much for being there so they cried. The point is that you are right Kati that even if they apologize it does not change anything. It's all inside oneselft and love oneselft. I got that conclusion (and theraphy of course) from an anime Naruto shippuden ( episode 334 to 339) after action scenes it's better to listen to the messages. I feel weird that I leant values from cartoons like the Batman and not from my parents. Love from Mexico
My father had a mental illness that made him unpredictable and angry, he was very invalidating towards my feelings and I often thought that he didn’t care about me, even that he preferred my half brothers and sister over me.
Thanks Kati! My father wasn't too bad when I was a kid, but ever since I move home a while ago, a lot of this is true for him and our relationship now. All Mum and I want is for him to reach out for help, but we know we can't force him to do this. Xx
Yeah.. unfortunately we can't force someone to get help :( But we can do things to take care of our own mental health.. so if you find this bothering you more and more, please talk to someone about it. xoxo
Somehow your videos tend to coincidentally pop up when it’s relevant to me. I was just discussing in my life how my father has always been loving but never really dealt with his emotions, making his unavailable to be there for me.
Hey Kati, In addition to this process, isn’t it also important to grieve the father we didn’t have and find ways to express the negative emotions that come with it. So we can process it properly?
Everyone: My father never showed any care to his family. He is now 82 hasn't changed and expects me to care. We all have value and are important. Recognize your accomplishments Be kind to yourselves. I hope this can help someone. ❤
This video helped me so much. My father is dead now and I have anxiety severe depression, and OCD. It's been so useful to have people like you to help me
I have such complex “daddy issues,” it’s not even funny. I met my bio dad when I was 5, and then when I was 7, he signed his rights away. When I was 11, I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. All the while, my dad that I have and love, was always at work and never around. I’m 21 now and he’s only just recently (in the last year or so) starting to spend more time with the family.
My father was none of the six types. He was there physically but never made any connection with me other than small talk or to tell me off for something. I have no idea what he thought or felt inside and he left no written record of anything. Being there and at the same time not there for me was very confusing. It made it almost impossible to see the problem. It was many years before I realised that his baggage was his problem, not mine, and that only happened when he died. So you could say I never knew him. He was just in the house.
Oh wow,this explains so much of my distrust of male figures &the complete distruction of past relationships romantically. My father figure was abusive, emotionally void, aggressive,angry&an alcoholic. Thank you kati for making this so clear!!xx
This really hit home for me. I have nightmares of the things my father put me through and when I wake I have to remind myself he can't hurt me anymore. I never put much thought into needing to process all that happened but I realize your right, I need to work on taking back my life and healing.
Sometimes Ill say something to my dad and he just won’t reply. Just silence. Won’t even look at me or acknowledge that I’ve spoken to him. So I just leave the room and try and ignore how much it hurts
My dad was 1,2,5, and became 6 in 2006. It feels great to be able to heal from my childhood, it's like I'm reintroducing myself to myself. Everyone deserves to have a happy fulfilling life, it's not an easy task but a very rewarding task at the end of it all.
My father was a cold MF, piece of 💩 Divorce his kids when he divorced my mom. No relationship at all, no birthday wishes, nothing. And my communication with my mom was always difficult, close to none. Always felt alone in this world, like I don’t belong here.
I’m so grateful for the Kinions. I don’t have the funds to support the channels I love at this time but there has been so much content made possible by them that has helped me. Thank you Kinions and thank you, Kati
Hi Kati! I'm sorry to be repetitive, I hope I'm not bothering you, yet I need this. I hope not to be off topic, but could I please ask if you can talk about situational/reactive depression? Because I've been diagnosed with this kind of depression recently and I’m actually under therapy, although I suffer from more than six months, maybe also more than two or three years. And I think, because of that, it has assumed the characteristics of clinical depression by worsening. I've read about it, but there aren't videos about this kind of depression in specific. Thanks in advance, Sara PS: If I've done some mistakes tell me, please, I'm Italian.
Hi Sara.. there isn't such a diagnosis as situational/reactive depression. We can have MDD (major depressive disorder) or dysthymia (long term lower grade depression) or depression associated with our monthly cycle, or medication, but that's about it. You may have different diagnosis in Italy, so I would ask your therapist or doctor about it to get more info! xoxo
Kati Morton thanks for your answer. I actually asked because by searching "situational depression" on Google I found out something also I English, I just wanted to get more information...
There used to be a diagnosis like that though, I thought? Like being depressed in response to outside 'causes' like losing a job, death of someone you love, things like that?
Thank you so much for this video, however, as you've mentioned all 6 types I've started to feel anxious about digging deeper into my past. I don't consider myself to ever have a father. I had my mother's husband's, who were abusive, alcoholic and left me with scars and resentment. I've learned to rely solely on myself and not my family members, but now I start to feel that not having emotionally available parents affected me so strongly that I can't form close relationships or trust others, or just basically enjoy my life. I don't know how to start this path of healing, nevertheless I still have hope that one day I'll free myself from my past. Thank you for your support and help, your videos helped me to understand and take care of myself much better. This particular video forced me to acknowledge my issues, which I think is going to help me tremendously in my recovery. Thank you.
My father was present after my parents divorced. However he did the bare minimum as a father. I am grateful his was in my life growing up since many kids may not have had their fathers around. But my father did set an example for my brother and I to strive for our best. He always went from job to job. He paid child support but never gave any more than he had to. He was not abusive but I know when my parents were married he yelled at me and my brother and sometimes I would be afraid of him. Thank you for this video.
Hey kati,Can you do about emotionally unavailable best friend or partner in which you are in a relation and attached too much . How to know that its too much of attachment?
I have a ton of videos about attachment! You can just search my name and the word attachment on here and they will pop up! That should help because if someone isn't emotionally available to us when we are grown up we can just leave that relationship. It's more of a psychological issue when it's one of our primary caregivers. xoox
I needed a bit more time to digest the end, I listened to it 5 times, tears pouring and feeling lighter. Thanks for the easy to understand information and solutions given.
My dad never had a dad and when he was growing up just his mom and he so he was never home when i was a kid he worked so much he never really knew how to be a dad he rarely took me to do things my mom stayed at home to watch me but she was an alcoholic and she was really mean to me i remember i was just being absolutely terrified locking myself in my room for hours hoping she wouldn't start banging on my door and on top of all this school wasn't going so great neither i was bullied alot and my teachers could never stand me i was always in trouble i just never felt like i fit in even family just feels so distant to me its painful.
Wow, we have similar experiences. I wasnt comfortable home or at school. I had both parents but they were dovirced even though we all lived under the same roof. My dad worked alot. We had the occasional family outing, but there was so much other messiness in our family dynamics. I felt like he didn't know me as a person, encourage me, etc. I felt like he only tried to control me, therefore there was always a clash.
This video helped me reevaluate my coping strategies for the better. I had no idea how much my relationship with my father was influencing my approach towards my partner. Thank you so much.
Kati, first I want to say thank you for all you do. Secondly, I have a question, what are the effects for simply witnessing abuse? My parents, nor my aunt or uncle (whom I live with) have been physically abusive towards me. But I have witnessed many a fight between my family members turned loud and violent. How does this effect a person?
it can honestly effect us just as much as if it was happening to us. We can have PTSD from being harmed or traumatized ourselves or even witnessing someone we care about be harmed. So please reach out and speak to a professional so that you don't feel alone with it. xoxo
In Australia, witnessing other family members be abusive towards each other is considered emotional abuse, and is one of the most common reasons children get referred to child protection services. It has a significant impact on your emotional well-being and ability to feel safe, if the adults in your life are not able to protect you from witnessing violence. Definitely talk to a therapist.
I needed this! Thank you Kati! One of the things i stil find hard is that my father was really hard on me, always criticise on me and never showed love of positif feedback. But to the world outside he was really nice and caring, was a soccercoach for example and everyone love how suportive he was to that boys team... but he never suported me in a healthy way :(
My dad was emotionally unavailable (and still is) because he had a terrible childhood (his dad was an alcoholic and would physically attack him and his sister) I have always felt like I've been chasing his love and attention and all I have ever wanted was for him to hug me and be a daddy's girl. He's been a great father in terms of financial security and I've always had a roof over my head, food on my plate and the latest toy, but rather than the toy, I would have loved to have had that hug or his attention/interest in something I was doing. As I've got older, I feel like we're growing apart even more, and even though he's never been a bad father, the fact that he was never emotionally there for me has definitely affected my relationships with men. As I've got older, I've realised I've been chasing after a 'father figure' in all my boyfriends and seeking that unconditional love from them. Then when it doesn't come in that exact format, I crash big time. I'm sure it's played a part in my life long depression.
Danielle M I relate to this so much
Nicolle Velasco I'm glad to find someone that does (I'm finally not going mad!) but also sad that you've had to experience it xxx let's have a bear hug 🐻😄😘
OMG! I feel as if you wrote that about me. Extremely similar, all to add on my end is that he was an alcoholic. Have you noticed any similar behaviors in yourself? The hardest part has been accepting that I had several similar traits and didn't even know it. I'm sorry for the pain it has cost you, not many people truly understand how painful it is. My life has been a series of pain and suffering due to my lack of awareness. Chasing the love and attention that I lacked has profoundly effected my life. Finally at 38 years old I've begun my journey of self improvement. Wishing you nothing but the best. Stay strong.
Ooo, we're nearly the same age too! (I'm 40 this August) Spooky. I can't say I've noticed any similarities to my dad - I'm definitely much more tactile and sensitive. Maybe because he was like he was/is, it's made me what I am (!) Thanks so much for your kind wishes :-D and I wish the same for you - good luck with your self improvement xxx
I teared up reading. I relate so much to you. The only for of attention I got from him was when he'd be mad and upset at me and would scold.
My dad was just a person in the house. Not someone I could talk to, not someone I could cry to. His hugs are awkward and I never had that daddy’s little girl relationship that I wanted:/ so my mom made up a lot of love that he lacked to give. I’ve always wanted a loving man in my life. So I feel overly attached to my husband and freak out if we fight cause I think he’s gonna leave me. Or demand for more attention and affection when we’re just chilling at home. I try not to act that way but internally it’s so hard
Omgggg this is me with my brothers, my dad was just a person in the house, exactly as you described and I ran to my older brothers for that emotional support. Now I feel like I’m emotionally attached to them and confused to be on my own. Praying for you my friend ❤️
This makes me feel so much better this is me!
This made tears come to my eyes. My dad is the same. He is just there, but in recent years now that I’m 23 he tries to hug me occasionally and exchange a few words but it’s very awkward… I always wished we were closer.
All the boyfriends I’ve ever had are controlling, because if they’re not I’m not attracted to them. I always go for the one that tells me what to do in life and gives my his advice and wisdom (like a father would) because I am so lost.
That’s how I feel with my husband as well
See I have this exact thing happen, but once I realized that it was causing me to cling to my boyfriend and fix that behavior, it manifested into HOCD and makes questioning if I was secretly a lesbian. It sounds crazy but when I think about it I’ve been hurt by the most important man that’s supposed to be in my life and the one person that has made me feel better every time he’s hurt me is my mom a woman. So my brain is trying to get me to push away from a man that might hurt me and go to a woman even though that’s not what I want. I am bi but i don’t want to leave my partner
We must heal, or the cycle will continue...
Absolutely right !
That's my biggest fear
Yes, sir
I guess that you had an absent father like mine
Facts.
Guy here. Emotionally unavailable fathers hurt sons just as much. We share the same pain, that feeling of not having a potential mentor to guide us through life and teach us how to be men. Most of my life, my father felt more like a rival or a boss than someone who's my own blood. Maybe it's my own insecurity too.
The boss thing 💯 thank you
I’m so sorry you’re also going through this. For me it’s like he’s a stranger that lives in my house. I never realized how messed up I was until I recently started wondering what’s wrong with me. If only they knew how easy it is for them to hurt us.
Came to the comments for this. Are there any books for men on this topic?
I'm not a man, but I have a twin brother and I feel like it's the same for him. He always tells me he feels like my dad is a boss to him(also to me, but I feel like not as much, but I do have many traumas with him). I am sorry that you had to go through all those things, I know it can be really really hard. I'm sending lots of good energy, so you can overcome this problem and break the cicle.
I know how you feel brother
Sometimes I feel like the trauma I felt as a child was all in my head, or is something I am not allowed to feel, because overall I had a really good childhood.
Same
Me too. Growing up, I had a home in a safe neighborhood, never went hungry, had toys and fun things. But the further out I get from my childhood, the more I’m realizing how my emotionally unavailable father has negatively impacted almost every aspect of my personality and my life- shallow friendships, avoiding conflict, low self esteem, promiscuity, negative self talk, substance abuse issues, impulsivity, bending over backwards for men in romantic relationships (including being clingy, playing hot-and-cold, compromising my values to win a guy), and constantly seeking approval from anyone and everyone. I’m a mess
I relate to this but you have to trust yourself. We were born able to trust ourselves we were taught to question our feelings. You are capable of enjoying memories from your childhood while recognizing room for healing 💜✨ love and light
Don’t underestimate the trauma by overcompensate it with other elements. It is in your head, there are all the traumas
Never Invalidate you’re trauma, yes it may not have been as bad as other but it still happened and it hurt you.
he’s physically here but emotionally, gone
My father is the same way, at this point, im done trying to get his approval
As a boy he thinks that i should non-emotional person and stop being a girl but whenever I tell him how I feel he rubs it off and whenever I would suggest something he would always have it his way and not my way and he gets mad when it’s not his way and I always looked up to him emotionally but I’m not gonna do it anymore I just wanna move out and be free
Yes
Same, always been that way. Tried to buy my love through gifts. That obviously wasn’t enough
Same
Why do people have kids they have no idea how to raise? How hard is it to use protection? How hard is it to read a book about proper parenting? Listen to a podcast? Take a lesson? Ask for advice? Anything? This drives me insane. Then the kid is left to pick up the pieces and clean up a mess thats not even their own.
God bless you Nicole...no more words to add! You nailed it! #ViceVersa😇🌈
Precisely. How does one CHOOSE to navigate life so unaware to the point of ignoring how harmful your actions are??
Exactly you just said my heart out. Nobody asks these parents from the sky to have kids and then make them feel like shit throughout the life. People just get married, have sex and produce kids, they don't think of any consequences or how that kid will survive on earth.
Our generation has access to lots of information and knowledge on relationships and psychology. There is also an incentive for self development now that didn’t exist as strongly before. Our parents and past generations didn’t have the same resources and learning these things wasn’t something people did like now. The good thing is that we are aware now and can make changes, grow, and be better for us and the future generations.
Because they lack self awareness
Been lying to myself that I have a nice father. Lying. 💔I am so heartbroken noticing how his influence has an impact on me
I was living a dream that my father loved me, only now, after 40 years I realise that I was living in an illusion, my father is a selfish heartless man.... it broke my heart for years
Yes, it's truly incredible how much we can lie to ourselves. I've done the same, lied to myself about my emotionally absent and self involved mother and father. Glad i'm waking up as painful as it is. Good luck to you!
Hugssssss
Its not communication with them its verbal competition.
I have done that but really alot of neglect
My dad gave me everything materially, but was very emotionally unavailable. He never showed interest in me and never gave me emotional support. Growing up I never cared about it and I simply accepted it as it is and didn't even care that my brother got all the attention; the feeling of him being a stranger only increased with each passing year, but now I notice in adulthood how damaging all that has been. I have severe low self-esteem (depression, basically) and the feeling that I am unimportant...all the time, which has deeply affected my development as an adult. I started with therapy last month and confronted my father about it a couple of days ago...his neglect and egotism was all the more apparent to me as he showed practically no signs of remorse and after a while told me we had talked enough to go watch a soccer game with my brother as I was pouring my heart out...
That really sucks Tony, this was almost my exact experience too.
All the best on your journey healing mate
@@orbis17 I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope you heal and find the love you deserve somewhere in the world ❤️🤞🏼
Wow this sounds like my dad. I can’t remember a time my dad has ever said sorry or comforted me when I was crying.
This! The last sentence.. that's why I won't bother confronting. The whole "I don't care" persona really damaged us.
My mother had to become both parents and because of that she became an alcoholic (I was her target for abuse because of her lonliness and anger). I was a teen and the one time I poured my heart out to my father about how I wished there was a DAY of no alcohol, he just walked off and went to another room without saying a word. He just left while I stayed there bawling my eyes out. To this day I don't drink any alcohol or smoke any cigarettes because of my anger at how my parents are.. and what they could've been, like so many other normal parents.
Both my parents are emotionally unavailable, I'm never having children, I don't want to continue the cycle
I want children so bad. But I dont want to risk anyone ever feeling how I did growing up.
So sad Saumya. Its problem with rajputs I guess. Same story here
The fact that you are aware of the cycle is a big big big deal. Since you are aware, if you ever want to have children you could take the steps to heal and break that cycle. I’m sorry you had to go through that. I have an an emotionally unavailable / narcissistic father and it is not easy.
You don't have to not have children. I had two emotionally unavailable parents, but I learned
how NOT to be as a parent. My kids grew up healthy, happy and
productive human beings. So please change that mindset!
Same💔
*“Distant Breadwinner” that’s my dad.* I’ll always respect him for working hard, paying bills & even helping with household chores (though he does have OCD). But he was totally absent emotionally. I remember him coming to play basketball or a video game with me (like once every few years) & when it was over telling me, *“Make sure you tell your mom I did this with you ok?”.* He was doing it to appease her. This led to her overcompensating for his lack of love by her over coddling and doing everything for me. I’m 30 & still struggle with depression, low self esteem and the thought that, “I can’t do anything on my own” because mom always did it for me. If I’m ever lucky enough to have kids I’m going to tell them I love them everyday (because my father never did) but make sure they learn independence & self reliance (because my mother didn’t). Did I mention I’ve been in therapy for over a decade? Lol ah good times. 🥴🙂
Yes! I relate. I had trouble getting out on my own b/c if that instilled fear that I wouldn't make it. These types of behavior create lots of codependency. I've been separated from my family for a few years due to this amd other toxicities. The good that has come is me realizing my own power and that I can make it on my own
its like i wrote this comment
Little by little set up one goal a week and do it. Your nervous system and your inner child will learn that it can trust yourself to do things and goals and slowly that wound goes away. Building discipline is a way to prove your inner child your adult self can take care of things is a matter of practice. I am in therapy too and this has helped me tremendously!
I was quiet and compliant, just trying not to get in trouble from what I can remember. I also daydreamed, which is still something I tend to do. My mind will go to the most random of places.
same here. I rebelled when I was 39 and finally felt secure. I cut my family off completely. They were surprised but didn't seem to care.
That's me quiet and compliant. I also did hours upon hours of daydreaming- it's my escape
Geez, this is probably the source of my maladaptive daydreaming.
This was me
Same
I wish my parents had been in therapy while raising me and my brother. I think they were completely unaware of how they were affecting us. Now I'm in therapy aged 30 and I'm trying to reparent myself feeling resentful towards them, although I know they didn't know better having difficult parents themselves.
Saying they didn't know better is an excuse to me. You know when you're hurting someone: people make up stories to ignore it.
Parenting isn't easy but there have ALWAYS been resources. They chose not to seek those and proceeded to ignore their wounds because that's the type of world we live in.
Forgive for yourself but dump the excuses for them. It's Stockholm Syndrome and societal BS that covers up for the mistreatment of children. It's way too normalized.
My 3 sisters and I are all in therapy and we also lament that it really is our parents who needed(heck, still need) therapy but like we've heard in other videos, we can only change our behavior and not control others so at least you're doing the work you need to do to better yourself
I resent this a bit too- why couldn't they have healed thir issues instead of saying, "Kids don't come woth instructions" or other dismissive things? If I'm taking the time to inner reflect, why couldn't they? My mom went to psychologist here and there for her mental sickness though but both of them failed me amd my siste.
@@alainapowerchick2025 I SO Agree woth your comment!! Thier dismissivity is what damaged me. I left that dynamic so that I can heal myself
Are your parents still alive? If they are I would strongly advise you to have a discussion with them. I dont think I understood how deeply my parents affected me until after they passed away. I really wish I had confronted my mother about why she used me for a scapegoat. There were 4 of us,but it was me she hated. I always felt there was something really,really wrong with me-if your own mother can’t love you you must be a monster. It’s the one thing I regret. Now her voice lives in my head and constantly reminds me what a stupid,useless fool I am.
Hey Kati please do more video on this topic.
I definitely will!! xoox
Yes please.
Yes, please do!
I’m very afraid of being a distant father in the future. So I try to be in touch with my emotions and to have healthy relationships.
It’s still very hard, but I would feel horrible if I was unavailable to my future spouse and kids.
realizing what you should do is the hardest step already. you can do the rest buddy
Hey I understand its been a year since you're post, but reading this I can relate. I'm 31 and I feel the same. Throughout my twenties I spent all my time "working on myself", I lived according to a mantra of, "Love thyself first, and you will be all the more a loving person." It feels like there are people in my life, but they are like on another continent, or living on another planet often. Watching videos on youtube is like recieving messages as in that movie Interstellar. It's the animals in my life who help me to be in life and the world, especially my cat and foster kitties.
May this message find you well, and take care.
You’re already on the way to being a good father; most with these issues about being unavailable are there because there’s no self awareness. I wish you luck!!
@haileymae11 Not enough by itself, let me tell you. It has to materialize in consistent change, or the intention is void. Had this type of partner- lots of broken promises, that's all it leads you to. Recognizing it is just like starting a diet: the easiest part actually. Sticking through with it, making subtantial and persistent changes, that's the hard part.
Im a dad of a 4 wonderful 4year old boy and I love spending time with my son. I give him hugs, kisses and tell him how much I love him and do my best to be as stable and in the moment as I can
I have an emotionally unavailable father. I probably don't even realise the full extent of how it's affected me. But my whole life I've felt this kind of hole inside me. I've lacked direction, motivation and overall energy in my life. I've always seen myself as kind of mellow person but I think underneath that is anger because of this wound that my father has caused.
Already crying and the video hasn’t even started
Same here
Trueee!!!
literally anyone talking about this and validating my feeling make me bawl I thought i was alone for so long
are you alright? i can talk with you if you if you need it.
me too
I never related to a video. My father just critiques me in everything I do. He never notices the good things and accomplishments. I feel like I’m never enough for anyone. I’m literally crying writing this because I just feel so empty and insecure
I hope you are able to seek help and separate how you perceive yourself from how your father perceived you. All the best 💗
How are you doing today? I feel exactly the same
❤ i so feel you... and i am sure that you are allready on the journey of remembering your true power and who you really are. love ❤
Well, my father is really ambivalent in his actions. Some times is happy and making jokes, then explotes and become violent, specially with me and offensive. As a family we said to him that he needs help. Im in therapy to overcome a lot of things in my life.
I can so relate to what you described here. I actually see and saw the same non-consistent behaviour with my dad for as long as I can think of. However, though many people tried to tell him to seek help, the only one ending up seeking help for the past 4 years was me :) I really hope you're doing OK and learned a few things to cope with it
Same here. Even though, its my Dad who needs therapy the most.
same type for me, my dad in his peaceful mode is a joy to be around but during his irritated moments, anything can get him mad and having an opinion can mean him discarding me from ever going to school.
Same. Didn't know we were related.
@@lightinthedusk absolutely agree
I’m a silent viewer, but wanna thank you for this. This is and is going to be a great help x
You are so welcome :) I am glad it was helpful! xoxo
Interesting. My Dad was a workaholic who easily polished off a case of beer within a few days. He was an angry and distant guy. I thought most of it had to do with Mom. She would pick fights when he got home, so he'd not eat and instead, head to his night job. Note he did not need the night job. The day one paid all the bills and far more. The other gave him money "to play the stock market".
He regularly ridiculed my weight and how I may have gotten an A-, even if all the other grades were A's. Sheesh.
As an adult, we were estranged for 7 years. This was my choice. I found him too hard to be around.
However, when I received a call from the hospital telling me to come, I went. I spent the next 1.5 years traveling from my state to his to care for him. He had dementia and then stomach cancer and liver failure. The dementia turned him into a nice guy. That last year and a half gave me the Dad I'd always longed for. So, although it was heart-breaking, it was the best time I could have asked for. He died in 2015 and I actually miss him.
Thanks for another thought-provoking video.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.. I am glad that you got a chance to spend time with the dad you always longed for. xoxo
bless you
Me too, Kati, me too.
Donna G Thanks, Donna. What was I to do? He was my Dad, my family. We take care of family. I believe that's the way it works. Regardless, that's very kind of you. :)
Patricia Araujo thanks so much on your nice msg,you are one in a million,I work with dementia,you are one in a million,take care💚
I'm 64, my dad passed in 2017.
His mom was mentally ill. He had a military career...Boys Don't Cry. He couldn't show affectation to us kids.
My mission in life was to do everything he asked me ... hoping he would show me love.
It never happened. 😭
It's A deep heartache 💔
This hits home. My childhood was great, my dad was a CEO of a company so often gone, and my mom took all of the emotional support in her hands. My Dad was amazing. His love language was acts of service and gifts. He was nice and loved me, I know he did. I had a good childhood... but he did NOT show me any emotional support. I hugged him as a kid, but stopped and I dont know when this happened and he never tries to hug me. We have never talked about feelings... and I have no idea how to have a conversation with my dad now. He was an opinionated person so any conversation we had turned into an hour long lecture, so I started to avoid any deep topics with him. I can't remember the last time I even touched my dad.... and I feel awkward around him... and I think he does with me sometimes. Often my Dad would try to step in and parent me by telling me what to do, but there was no emotional support backing it. My Mom had a cancer scare earlier this year and my biggest fear was losing her because I didn't know how to have a relationship with my dad with out her. The only person my Dad is emotionally open with is her, and I feel like as his only daughter I would have to feel that role, but I have NO CLUE how that would work. I feel like his emotional neglect has really effected me as a person... but I feel guilty because he wasn't a bad Dad in the big picture. It is also why I feel guilty for feeling this way. Why bring it up to him if its just going to make him feel bad. Its already over and done with.
My father wasn't abusive or absent, but I didn't get some of my emotional needs met from him. I really wanted to get some male bonding from him, but I never got that. So I used my older brother as my masculine role model. It is so important for young males to have good masculine role models available to them. If they don't get that they are likely to adopt a destructive masculine identity. Witness all the gangs in our cities.
yep. I followed my brother to bad parties and ruined my life.
because I used to be more mature than my dad and brother
Kati, thank you so so much for this. My father was an extremely abusive person all throughout my childhood. Honestly, the emotional abuse trickled into alot of physical violence too. It was very scary. And, somedays, even though I'm now almost 25, I find all those scary moments still affecting me terribly. Sometimes I find myself repeating some of those emotionally abusive patterns. And, sometimes I find myself too scared to say or do anything in regular social situations, just because someone has SLIGHTLY raised their voice.
But, Kati, your videos have been helping me so much the past 6 months. And, I really can't thank you enough for what you're doing. I very much hope that all the great things you've done for us all come back to you ten fold.
With love,
Lucky Wright. 🎆
Christian Wright therapy help me a lot with my life experiences with this situation. Forgiveness is a way to heal to. A hug from the distance.
Evelyn Revolorio for sure! Therapy has been really great for me too! Though, there will definitely not be a forgiveness on my part unless there is a legitimate sorrow expressed by him for his actions. Which there never has been.
Also, it's a little deeper than I'm putting on. The physical abuse was in the form of me watching my 400pound-benchpressing cop father stomp on my 6 year old younger brother's head. And, this was consistent behaviour that had not stopped for over a decade. Even through him getting couple's therapy with my mom, he never admitted what he did was wrong.
The screaming was so bad, I could hear him yelling in my head every night when I went to sleep(sometimes at random during the day), all the way into my 20s. This is not to even mention that he sat idly by as I was raped for over 4 years.
None of this abuse happened even close to on this level to my father during his childhood. He had no excuse or reasoning for his actions. It was a more pure form of evil than just your typical story of cycles of abuse through generations.
Forgiveness isn't going to come without repentance or death in my case. He's just lucky I love my life and have all this beauty to live for now, or I would take care of it myself.
I know this is all incredibly dark for this comment section. I know alot of people come here for the light feels that Kati provides. I come here for that too! She's amazing! And, I do think everyone really needs to remember how important forgiveness is in 99% of people's healing process. But, there a rare instances where forgiveness actually impedes our healing process due to the nature of the person(notice I didn't say nature of the act) who has committed specific sustained acts against us.
Sorry to blow up your small comment into something this big. I know you were just trying to help me 😜 Honestly, I'm doing very well with the path that I'm on! But, thank you!
Also, sorry if this is a bit much for your comment section, Kati 😑
Christian Wright oh. I understand. Im glad that you are going well with the path that you took. I hope your heart heals. I choose the path for in my healing process to.. S and I'm taking step by step to give myself the love that I need to continue in this life. I wish you the best. Lots of hugs from Guatemala.
Evelyn Revolorio thank you for caring! 💖
First of all, I am so sorry that you have gone through this. You didn't deserve it. I myself have an extremely abusive father and I can understand how hard your childhood must have been. Starting a therapy and finding someone to talk to is always a great idea because people who have abusive parents struggle with many issues. Second of all, don't force yourself to forgive your father. Focus on yourself! Do the things that make you happy and try to find a healthy way to relieve anger (I practice boxing) Remember that you deserve a beautiful and happy life!!! Take care!
My father is a soldier and I was basicaly raised as one. I am a feminine woman but only got praised if I held a gun right or did good at karate for example. I am suposed to be the "silent girl" that only does what is told. All because he haven't healed from his relationship w his mother (who abused me as well) yet here I am building a path for myself so I can finally be free. Stay strong guys. I love u all And U can do it!
Some father's are true demon spawns, Period.
Mothers too, sometimes even worse..
2074twenty6six6 😂😂 why did this make me laugh
@@mommymaks probably because you had no father growing up or he was too domesticated by his wife to fulfill his fatherhood duties.
@@goodvibes2334 offended and defensive. Poor combo *goes to a video about emotionally unavailable or distant fathers to find that one comment stating a generally true statement to bring up how mothers can be worse*
S ww2 werr ssf
Yep that's how my hubby acts towards our son. Emotionally unavailable. This is a true fact. Even though hubby lays around at home he doesn't spend enough quality time with our son.Kids learn and build confidence when they spend quality time with there dad's especially boys.
Has he changed?
It's your obligation to do something about it. Really parents should pay for what they do to children just like common criminals. You are not allowed to not love your kid. You made him, all he suffers is on you.
If you can't love your child you should be flayed.
your son is gonna search for this same video once he starts to understand
their dads'
Before I started therapy I always thought I had a really nice dad. He spent loads of time with me in my teens doing various hobbies of his together with me and we went on holidays together (my mum tended to my sick sister). I idolized him when I was younger. When we hung out together he did almost all the talking (anecdotes from his youth that painted him in the best light and complaining about mum) and I did all the listening. In this same period I developed anxiety, depression, binge eating, crippling perfectionism, and I thought of suicide. I had the hardest time making friends my age.
Fast forward to therapy some 20+ years later and I learned about covert emotional incest and suddenly all those issues that 'sprung out of nowhere' made sense. My father treated me like a spouse and used our relationship to satisfy his emotional needs while completely neglecting mine. This type of father is not a perfect fit in any of the categories in this video, but I'd thought I'd mention it just in case someone recognizes their own story in mine. We can only start to heal once we realize what was done to us.
My mom was like that also
I get anxious when my dad tries to contact me. Ugh....I feel like crap right now.
Block him on your phone. Don't answer the door if you know he is there. Call the Police if he threatens you!
You don't owe him anything!
My Father was mentally ill and as a result I had emotionally unavailable parents...not just one. My Mom was too busy dealing with my Dad. Can you do a video expanding on the past two about having both emotionally unavailable parents?
I know how you feel.x I have two emotionally distant non.verbal bordering on autistic narccistic parents ....
Incredible, I thought that combination didn't occur too much! But I totally feel you, everybody took care of my father and I was just dragged along.
Safe journey to you, I wish you all the best for your recovery! We'll all meet each other at the finish line, until then!
Another thing to consider is do you remember? It is normal that we may not know or have blank spots where we can't remember anything about Dad when we try to do some of this work.
It could be that if your Dad was violent or hurt you (especially as a young defenseless child) you could have disassociated (Kati has some great videos on disassociation check them out) to get through whatever scary thing was happening.
This could be why you feel like you go blank when a confrontation is about to happen in the present. You may remember the start of the event and maybe know you felt shaky after but can't recall anything that was said in between. If this happens to you presently you want to work with someone like Kati to help keep you present in session while you talk about scary stuff. This could be processing what's happening now or when trying to piece together what happened when you were a child.
Just my thought.
Loved this video Kati thank you for putting it together do well!
No way! This always happens to me. I do all of the non-confrontational 'blacking out' of sorts. It definitely keeps me from living the life I deserve. I want to be present but this 'coping' skill that used to help is definitely not helping move in a healthy or happy direction.
I remember many of my instances of being abused, but I struggle to recall any normal daily interactions with my mom. I know she was there in the background but I can't remember playing with her pretty much ever. Idk if she was just distant or I was just self-centered or I'm blocking things.
Oh the timing after my lifelong dreaded holiday, Father's Day. Thanks Kati!
Brianna Jaide your not alone are you ok
You are very welcome :) xxo
Hi Katie, have you ever done a video on stalkers? I would be very interested to know what causes them to act that way.
Music Is A Rainbow Collaboration with Rob Dyke on it, please. 👌🏻😎
Talk about stalkers please kati
Why would a family therapist be an authority on stalkers? Are you serious?
I'm not talking about the serial killer variety, but an acquaintance, friend, or boyfriend who becomes obsessed. I was initially friends with a woman and she started to become possessive and it got completely out of control. I know there were a lot of issues in her family and didn't know if there were certain disorders (that Katie has talked about) that would perhaps cause one to stalk. My stalker finally moved away, but it's hard not to worry about who she's tormenting now. I hope that she got help for her multiple issues though and that her stalking tendencies got better along with her other issues.
yeah, good idea
my strategy was to try to get by unnoticed to avoid being shamed or called wrong, stupid or weird by my Dad. Many, many years later, once I realized my limiting beliefs and where they came from, I started to search ways that I could practice expressing myself in an environment that felt safe. It's uncomfortable work but does pay off eventually. Thanks Kati, for your videos, they're very helpful.
I am 26 and I have talked too much about a topic to try to impress my father, according to him. Most of the time, when we talk, it seems to me that it's for him a quick break, like there is always something more important for him than us talking. I'm hurt because I keep trying to have something deep with him, I have this habit, but it's just a break that he takes before doing something that seems to be always more important. I have noticed that, sadly, I do the same thing with him sometimes. I am trying to correct it though, and I'm trying to improve on this. :) Thanks for the video. always healthier, always happier.
Remember you are important, take good care!
Maybe he is not ready the way you are... for a lot of people it's hard to have a deep conversation.. the conscience isnt awake yet... ask him what he likes? What he wishes? Talk about hood things he achieved or done in his life.. its maybe a start to open a conversation.. try not to focus on yourself all the time ...
I had no daddy issues growing up they sprouted up when I was 17 years old and whew whenever I see a father with their young daughter I break out crying. If a youtube personality says "I'm her to give fatherly advice" I can't stop the tears. & Like another commenter said I look for a 'father figure' type man in my relationships. Really would prefer to not have these occurrences.
I am glad I found this.. I am struggling to cope up with this for more than 2 decades now. And its just now (that I am 26 yrs old) that I realized I am not okay with it.. and I am constantly feeling depressed about it.
I don’t feel comfortable towards my father. I feel so creeped out when he’s around. He’s never intentionally touched me in anyway.
I’m an only girl of 4 siblings. And I have noticed that he has become quite obsessed with me and I don’t feel okay with the way he looks at me. I don’t feel safe.
Talk about it with people you trust.
Always follow your gut. I had uncles that made me uncomfortable and turns out a few were very creepy
I relate a lot to that too. I feel like my dad’s wife. People think it’s funny and a joke but I’m actually disturbed and afraid.
Stay strapped and mazed up you feel me
Are you an intuitive person? I felt this exact way in my teenage years (however my dad passed when I was 17) and my father has never touched us, didn’t even like to spank. But his temper was scary. His father was extremely emotionally and physically abusive, and at age 14, (my dad had a Lil sister my age) the rest of the family found out he’d been raping his daughters for decades. My adult aunts as kids, and my aunt who was my age currently was being molested. Grandpa was always very weird and inappropriate but never touched me or my sister. After that, I was afraid of my dad. He had a hot temper and pride issues. Too proud to be weak and such. Never got to settle that as he passed by car accident.
My parents got divorced and both remarried. I cannot say that my dad completely abandoned me but he certainly was not there and was more like a distant relative. As a was growing up the feelings of longing for his attention turned into annoyance and disgust. When I realized that it’s the build up anger I actually told him how I truly feel in hope to start an honest dialogue. Sometimes all we need to hear is a simple “sorry” but instead I got something like “get over it.” This feeling of childhood resentment is so strong and is coming from such unconscious places in our brains that it’s impossible to fight. I have always thought that I must forgive him but I truly believe that it’s not possible to shake that instinctual emotion... this is a very complex topic
My dad was emotionally abusive. He treated my sister and I like we were horrible, rebellious kids when we almost never got into trouble. His anger was irrationally excessive, which was incredibly confusing, but he never was overtly violent. I remember somewhat wishing he would’ve actually gotten violent so I could finally be upset without being blamed for not respecting him (though he likely would’ve defended himself even in that case). He would try to tell us sometimes that we were “good kids,” but he never had any emotion behind it and it was probably only because my mom would constantly argue with him that we weren’t terrible. He always had a way of not going quite as far as he could have as if to at least protect the facade of being a decent person.
After watching Kati’s video, I realized how much I was just trying to be unnoticed when I was growing up. I’ve been doing therapy for several months now, but I hadn’t quite focused on my childhood from that perspective yet. My dad was so unpredictable, I just didn’t want anything to do with him. It wasn’t a safe option.
Your childhood sounds a lot like mine. My dad was emotionally abusive and unpredictable. It didn't help he was a high-functioning alcoholic, too. I never felt like I was good enough despite getting good grades and not getting into trouble. I was like you--just trying to fly under the radar. I never believed anything good that came out of his mouth because he would turn right around and tell us how ungrateful we were, how much he hated being a parent or having a family. Were holidays and family get-togethers tough for you? They were at our house. I dreaded the holidays--he always managed to ruin them, despite my mom trying everything she could to make them special. After I left home and married, it took me years to enjoy the idea of Christmas. My mom died ten years ago and I really wish she hadn't---dealing with my dad, even at arm's length--is emotionally exhausting. Good on you for going to therapy. I need to do that--this unresolved anger and disappointment with my dad is depressing me.
I'm sorry to say that I relate to this so much :/ I grew up in a nice home and we were always financially cared for so I never thought I had a right to complain since my father wasn't physically abusive. I would always walk around on eggshells and be afraid of what mood he was in, I still do this in my relationships and am I very careful person in general
Omg this is insane. My father is the same way. Expect my mom is always on his side. I dont live with him anymore but it just makes me angry that everyone treats me like they dont understand why I'm not close to him. I just hope my son doesn't feel the same way about me
This is something I feel so deeply. I love him and I wish he wasn't so irrationally angry. I want a dad...
My father never cared for me and my mother. He was never there for us, he enjoys his life. He had multiple affairs.
My father was the same p.o.s. I know how it feels, now as an adult, I still feel incomplete as a man.
My father was never around either.
yep. lied about his affair.
even if it was Emotional affair. that's worse than physical.
didn't raise me to be a man or have boundries.
wish I could afford therapy, until then self-help it is
How's it going?
you're not missing much. imo, a willing and stable friend is far superior
I've been fortunate enough to be in therapy for a LONGGGG time (had over 8 therapists) and I gotta say, not much of a help. It was nice to be listened to, but (good) friends already do that for free.
You could try Therapy 121. It's fully online. I think the regular price is 75$ per session but students might get a discount.
ChannalMath that’s definitely not true. At all. Professional therapy, especially EMDR is extremely beneficial. A professional who knows what they’re doing and how to deal with a client is far better than a “stable friend”. Even if the friend’s heart is in the right place. Therapists know how to help people who need it.
What parents need to realize instead of ignore, is that their children end paying for the mistakes they make! We suffer from our parents lack of understanding, lack of support, lack of so much that is needed in a child’s life!!! I have bad relationships bc of the lack of all from my mother and now my kids have awful fathers too!! My daughter has an unemotional father and my son has an unavailable father!! I feel like such a failure !!!😰
Sometimes I think man; would this have been easier without my dad
Well growing up I saw my dad for about an hour or 2 every day completely sober/participate in my family. Then around 5-6 o'clock he heads to the basement to drink and watch movies, all isolated and he'd occasionally come upstairs to join in on whatever conversation for about 2 minutes then go back downstairs. And I would never know if he was going to be angry, caring, nice, drunk, annoying, etc. so I never said anything and put my personality away. I walk around my house trying to go unnoticed by him, so he won't bother me if I'm being honest. I just feel so uncomfortable around him and that my wants never mattered it always had to be me conforming to what he was feeling
thank you for giving me the feeling that you’re my ally and that you understand. your videos feel like a hug.
fun fact: i always know that i’m struggling with my mental health again when i cry/almost cry while watching your videos. it’s like a heads up “oh i should take care of myself more”
Kati, I can’t tell if my dad loves me or not. I know I can’t ask him because he’ll probably just tell me what I want to hear. He has said he loves us, one time that I can remember. But he’s so emotionally absent and passive. Is it possible to be that way and still be capable of love?
my father is like this. so incredibly passive. mine is also confusing and strange. he rows with my mum, they communicate awfully, he even left for 4 months then moved in again like nothing happened. it is so hurtful and yet so cold. hope you get some help because i hope i do too! im nearly 24 and it still breaks my heart when i visit home, it has been the background of my entire childhood. xx
sorry i rambled. also its possible your father does love you, but it is still hard to feel it if he never shows it. i dont have any good advice.
PrettyPinkPeacock I’m sorry you’ve also experienced this. You should definitely get help since it still is having such a huge impact on you.
When my parents were together, they did fight a lot but I think that was mainly my moms fault tbh. I’m pretty sure she’s a psychopath or sociopath idk. My dad on the other hand fits a lot of the schizoid traits. I suspected that years ago but obviously I’ll never know for sure unless he sees an actual professional. He’s very non confrontational which goes with the whole passivity.
My dad is the same way.
I'm sure he does, but he probably grew up just as traumatized. My Dad is super passive too and I hate it and see him as emotionally weak and stunted, but the truth is he was probably more emotionally neglected than I was.
dad was an alcoholic. always angry we weren't allowed to be loud or laugh a lot. He would bang on our doors and windows, break things, and scream. He threatened to kill himself infront of us with a knife. My whole childhood was like this. I'm not saying its his fault but I have a lot of anxiety attacks, depression, and eating disorder issues. A lot of things have been bad lately and I don't want to but i think about killing myself A lot.
My dad was always emotionnaly unavailable to me and he would get jealous if my mother showed me that she loved me . He never liked me at all and he showed it shamelessly .Im sharing this with you to show you that you're not alone in this . If you scroll down the comments , you'll read hundred of stories about absent and abusive fathers . And The therapist Kati here is trying to show us that there is hope for us to someday be at peace with our past and ourselves , we may need to do it on our own or with a therapist but we have a chance to actually get there ! I thought I didn't have that chance before reading all of these stories and watching these videos. I found this thought helpfull , and I hope you will too .
Sounds like my life story, I wonder how many people grew up this way.
Hey, how are you doing?😊
My dad is emotionally unavailable, but somehow we kind of get along, and I found myself falling in love with emotionally unavailable people because it painted the picture of love for me. I’ve never not experienced unrequited love. And sometimes I feel like if the person does like me I’m “my father” I distance myself because true love makes me uncomfortable. Now I’m distancing myself from anyone romantically and working on this so that no one can get hurt. It sucks
I was the funny guy at school. After i moved out i wasn't trying as hard to be funny and became more of myself. A lot of the time the funny guy is hurting on the inside.
Too relevant. On a road trip to visit my dad for the next few days... Really needed this! Thank you kati!
You are very welcome!! xoxo Happy to help :)
FOR people dealing with DETACHED/ABSENT fathers.
The book Absent Farhers, Lost Sons
talks about the effect an absent father (emotionally, spiritually, physically) on their children. sons specifically. men too have pain and feelings as women do, you deserve to heal and be happy in life 🤍
My father has never been there, the conversation would be soooo awkward. He would deny it all! My siblings take his side and take my moms side, basically Im the crazy one its always been thus way! So I just journal
My dad was very erratic when I was younger. Constant mood swings (mostly anger) and just never really there emotionally. He never tried to hide the fact that I was and still is his least favorite child. I have a younger sister and an older brother that he's always shown more interest and love towards which hurt extra bad because my brother isn't even his, just his step son. I've always felt almost betrayed in a way, that he liked someone that's not even his own son more than his own son.
He has gotten a lot better over the years and we get along pretty well even though he is still very distant and I am the one that has to initiate any contact. I've slowly learned to get past it but it's been a real struggle to try to "turn on" my emotions again after decades of shutting them down to cope with it all.
Hey kati this feels like your completely describing my childhood. But what if my entire family was emotional unavailable and was just told to bottle up all my feelings
In all honesty.. the tips I offered in this video can still help. Seeing an attachment based therapist will be really helpful for you :) xoxo And you can heal from it
I struggle with feeling conected at all with any Of my parents Yes They gave me everything and tried really hard They were There but They did things wrong and I dont Know how to feel conected to them again. I have adhd and both my parents would scream at me when I had melt downs i was told that I was ruining trips for example and I Know that it Is my Fault They think everything is Ok
What should I do?
How do I feel conected again?
Sorry for The long stupid ramble
Now I am also struggling to create new relationships because I Know I will ruin Their life
I feel ya. Almost word-for-word.
It can take time to rebuild trust when our parents could have been really hurtful in the past.. talking through what happened with a therapist can help us heal from that, and only then can we begin to learn to trust or feel connected to them again. So give yourself time to heal and know that it will get better. xoxo
I have a similar experience. Your struggle with new relationships struck a chord. I think that is at least partly to blame for me not being able to have a romantic relationship. Food for thought...
Im here for you
Try talking to them about their childhood, that usually makes them feel more real and takes away their mask of just being this abstract "dad" or "mom" concept. It will also show how similar they are and struggled with the same issues as you when they were younger. It makes you see that they were just some average people who happened to have kids and made a lot of mistakes. And it made sense that they made those mistakes.
My father feels too guilty to talk about the past. And now I'm the one who moved to another country, so it's not the same as in person. His final and third wife taught him to be nice and available (as much as he can)
Thank you so much for this video. Exactly what I needed to hear. I've struggled with this with both my parents who were emotional unavailable and made me feel like a disappointment to them all the time. Keep up the great work. Thank you so much Kati!!
Thanks for this, Kati. My father suffered from depression and was emotionally distant/absent growing up. When I was 18, he committed suicide and I am still working on healing this wound. I also have a sister who is borderline but refuses to get treatment/admit she needs help. I would love more videos on these topics! Thank you
Wow, my father fits all six types of fatherhoods... all that in one man LOL almost comical hearing you list them
I was put in foster care the last time I remember seeing him was when I was five years old. It's been eight years since I've seen him. My grandma called today and over heard her talking with my adopted mom. She said I have been trying to get him to send her a letter but he won't. As if he doesn't want to know his own daughter. Thinking about I don't know how he looks it has been so long.
My father is an emotionally unavailable and an absent father. He never asked he simple questions like How was your day? What do you want to become when grown up? Only once my birthday was celebrated when I was 5 yrs. old. He had vision and mission for his children, about what they want to become. He never hugged me till date.
More videos about fathers who are problematic would be really great, especially regarding emotionally abusive fathers. I feel like people often forget how damaging emotional abuse is.
I agree, emotional abuse is underrepresented. I didn’t even realize until much later in life that even this type of behavior as described in the video is an example of emotional abuse.
Hi Kati. I’m watching this video during an emotional episode that occurs around once every few months. My father left us when I was 2 and has been absent my entire life. He even started another family. He failed to provide anything for my older sister and I but seemingly gave my 1/2 sister everything and more. I am now 18 and we do not have relationship. It wasn’t until I got older that I realized his problem with drug abuse. He nearly died a year ago due to his addiction but ended up going back to using. His absence in my life is really starting to affect my mental health and the way I carry on relationships. My boyfriend of over a year and I are working through problems stemmed by my daddy issues. Therapy seems like the only thing that will help me move on and I want to know your thoughts on the situation. Thank you so much for the video, it really opened my eyes and gave me strength to want to move forward.
I learned to avoid interacting with my dad, I never knew when he'd be angry, or drinking, or both. Trying to help him with something always ended up with me being a failure, never doing anything right. Is this why I have avoidant personality disorder? I thought it was only social anxiety, but maybe not.
Wow. A lot of the things you mentioned really brought back memories of how I used to cope as a child. I’ve worked on this with my therapist, but she’s never taken this route in healing my thoughts of men. Maybe she’s still trying to have me evaluate my trauma and we haven’t gotten there yet. This whole process is overwhelming 😞thank you for the video, it really got me thinking.
This is exactly what I was thinking about last week of why I cannot forgive myselft about my traumas from bullying and a great rage to my parents, especially to my father. Now I feel more compassion towards them because both were upbrought from ausent parents too.I am not close to my recovery, I still want to blame them for making me so isolated to the point I considered suicide as an option at 12 years old (I am 30 now) when the greatest bully was using torture techniques, drinking dirty water, he didn't let me go to the WC for hours, ice in my back during winter, threats to bully my first crush, he always tried to offer me a deal to not being bullied anymore as long as I bully others like he did to me, I didn't accept it. My parents don't know that I was sexually harrased from two girls and many other stuff. I remenbered that two (lesser) bullies were obligated to apologized and I didn't believe them I wanted that they suffered as much as I suffered, I knew later that they were threated to being expelled from school, they cared too much for being there so they cried. The point is that you are right Kati that even if they apologize it does not change anything. It's all inside oneselft and love oneselft. I got that conclusion (and theraphy of course) from an anime Naruto shippuden ( episode 334 to 339) after action scenes it's better to listen to the messages. I feel weird that I leant values from cartoons like the Batman and not from my parents. Love from Mexico
My father had a mental illness that made him unpredictable and angry, he was very invalidating towards my feelings and I often thought that he didn’t care about me, even that he preferred my half brothers and sister over me.
Thanks Kati! My father wasn't too bad when I was a kid, but ever since I move home a while ago, a lot of this is true for him and our relationship now. All Mum and I want is for him to reach out for help, but we know we can't force him to do this. Xx
Yeah.. unfortunately we can't force someone to get help :( But we can do things to take care of our own mental health.. so if you find this bothering you more and more, please talk to someone about it. xoxo
Somehow your videos tend to coincidentally pop up when it’s relevant to me. I was just discussing in my life how my father has always been loving but never really dealt with his emotions, making his unavailable to be there for me.
Hey Kati,
In addition to this process, isn’t it also important to grieve the father we didn’t have and find ways to express the negative emotions that come with it. So we can process it properly?
Rosy Wondering about this, too.
At Rosy thanks for this comment it's been insightful.
I think she brought this up in the emotional abuse video.
“为什么就你会有这种感觉？是你要求太高了吧？是你太敏感了吧？”每当我试着打捞、叙述我的感受时，总有一个声音来得更快、更响亮。
Everyone:
My father never showed any care to his family.
He is now 82 hasn't changed and expects me to care.
We all have value and are important.
Recognize your accomplishments
Be kind to yourselves.
I hope this can help someone.
❤
This video helped me so much. My father is dead now and I have anxiety severe depression, and OCD. It's been so useful to have people like you to help me
I have such complex “daddy issues,” it’s not even funny. I met my bio dad when I was 5, and then when I was 7, he signed his rights away. When I was 11, I told him I didn’t want to see him anymore. All the while, my dad that I have and love, was always at work and never around. I’m 21 now and he’s only just recently (in the last year or so) starting to spend more time with the family.
I am so sorry that you have had such a terrible time with your dad and bio dad. I hope this video and the book I recommended are helpful!! oxo
Kati Morton Thank you!
that’s really funny that you call your bio dad that, because i do too. my whole family calls him that.
My father was none of the six types. He was there physically but never made any connection with me other than small talk or to tell me off for something. I have no idea what he thought or felt inside and he left no written record of anything. Being there and at the same time not there for me was very confusing. It made it almost impossible to see the problem. It was many years before I realised that his baggage was his problem, not mine, and that only happened when he died. So you could say I never knew him. He was just in the house.
My father's dissatisfaction with everything led me to getting perfect scores at school
I've tried to excel in every aspect of my life to have him love me and be proud of me.
He doesn't give a crap.
"Distant breadwinner" yep, that's him.
Oh wow,this explains so much of my distrust of male figures &the complete distruction of past relationships romantically. My father figure was abusive, emotionally void, aggressive,angry&an alcoholic. Thank you kati for making this so clear!!xx
Thank you so much, this is what I needed as a 16 year old with a narc dad. :(
Thank you Katie.
This really hit home for me. I have nightmares of the things my father put me through and when I wake I have to remind myself he can't hurt me anymore. I never put much thought into needing to process all that happened but I realize your right, I need to work on taking back my life and healing.
Sometimes Ill say something to my dad and he just won’t reply. Just silence. Won’t even look at me or acknowledge that I’ve spoken to him. So I just leave the room and try and ignore how much it hurts
My dad was 1,2,5, and became 6 in 2006. It feels great to be able to heal from my childhood, it's like I'm reintroducing myself to myself. Everyone deserves to have a happy fulfilling life, it's not an easy task but a very rewarding task at the end of it all.
My father was a cold MF, piece of 💩
Divorce his kids when he divorced my mom. No relationship at all, no birthday wishes, nothing. And my communication with my mom was always difficult, close to none.
Always felt alone in this world, like I don’t belong here.
I’m so grateful for the Kinions. I don’t have the funds to support the channels I love at this time but there has been so much content made possible by them that has helped me. Thank you Kinions and thank you, Kati
Hi Kati! I'm sorry to be repetitive, I hope I'm not bothering you, yet I need this. I hope not to be off topic, but could I please ask if you can talk about situational/reactive depression? Because I've been diagnosed with this kind of depression recently and I’m actually under therapy, although I suffer from more than six months, maybe also more than two or three years. And I think, because of that, it has assumed the characteristics of clinical depression by worsening. I've read about it, but there aren't videos about this kind of depression in specific. Thanks in advance, Sara
PS: If I've done some mistakes tell me, please, I'm Italian.
Hi Sara.. there isn't such a diagnosis as situational/reactive depression. We can have MDD (major depressive disorder) or dysthymia (long term lower grade depression) or depression associated with our monthly cycle, or medication, but that's about it. You may have different diagnosis in Italy, so I would ask your therapist or doctor about it to get more info! xoxo
Kati Morton thanks for your answer. I actually asked because by searching "situational depression" on Google I found out something also I English, I just wanted to get more information...
There used to be a diagnosis like that though, I thought? Like being depressed in response to outside 'causes' like losing a job, death of someone you love, things like that?
tafairy yep, although it's usually more complicated than that, this is the definition.
Sara yes i would think it often is more complicated. Good thing maybe, that it isn't a seperate diagnosis anymore
Thank you so much for this video, however, as you've mentioned all 6 types I've started to feel anxious about digging deeper into my past. I don't consider myself to ever have a father. I had my mother's husband's, who were abusive, alcoholic and left me with scars and resentment. I've learned to rely solely on myself and not my family members, but now I start to feel that not having emotionally available parents affected me so strongly that I can't form close relationships or trust others, or just basically enjoy my life. I don't know how to start this path of healing, nevertheless I still have hope that one day I'll free myself from my past. Thank you for your support and help, your videos helped me to understand and take care of myself much better. This particular video forced me to acknowledge my issues, which I think is going to help me tremendously in my recovery. Thank you.
When your dad can't drive 3 hours to visit you but he can drive 2 days to Florida during a pandemic. :,)
I’m sorry.
My father was present after my parents divorced. However he did the bare minimum as a father. I am grateful his was in my life growing up since many kids may not have had their fathers around. But my father did set an example for my brother and I to strive for our best. He always went from job to job. He paid child support but never gave any more than he had to. He was not abusive but I know when my parents were married he yelled at me and my brother and sometimes I would be afraid of him. Thank you for this video.
Hey kati,Can you do about emotionally unavailable best friend or partner in which you are in a relation and attached too much . How to know that its too much of attachment?
I have a ton of videos about attachment! You can just search my name and the word attachment on here and they will pop up! That should help because if someone isn't emotionally available to us when we are grown up we can just leave that relationship. It's more of a psychological issue when it's one of our primary caregivers. xoox
I needed a bit more time to digest the end, I listened to it 5 times, tears pouring and feeling lighter. Thanks for the easy to understand information and solutions given.
My dad never had a dad and when he was growing up just his mom and he so he was never home when i was a kid he worked so much he never really knew how to be a dad he rarely took me to do things my mom stayed at home to watch me but she was an alcoholic and she was really mean to me i remember i was just being absolutely terrified locking myself in my room for hours hoping she wouldn't start banging on my door and on top of all this school wasn't going so great neither i was bullied alot and my teachers could never stand me i was always in trouble i just never felt like i fit in even family just feels so distant to me its painful.
Wow, we have similar experiences. I wasnt comfortable home or at school. I had both parents but they were dovirced even though we all lived under the same roof. My dad worked alot. We had the occasional family outing, but there was so much other messiness in our family dynamics. I felt like he didn't know me as a person, encourage me, etc. I felt like he only tried to control me, therefore there was always a clash.
This video helped me reevaluate my coping strategies for the better. I had no idea how much my relationship with my father was influencing my approach towards my partner. Thank you so much.
Kati, first I want to say thank you for all you do. Secondly, I have a question, what are the effects for simply witnessing abuse? My parents, nor my aunt or uncle (whom I live with) have been physically abusive towards me. But I have witnessed many a fight between my family members turned loud and violent. How does this effect a person?
it can honestly effect us just as much as if it was happening to us. We can have PTSD from being harmed or traumatized ourselves or even witnessing someone we care about be harmed. So please reach out and speak to a professional so that you don't feel alone with it. xoxo
In Australia, witnessing other family members be abusive towards each other is considered emotional abuse, and is one of the most common reasons children get referred to child protection services.
It has a significant impact on your emotional well-being and ability to feel safe, if the adults in your life are not able to protect you from witnessing violence. Definitely talk to a therapist.
Thanks you guys. I had been wondering about this for a while
Danke!
I can't even recall much memories from my childhood, especially moments with my father. Stupid coping mechanism.
I needed this! Thank you Kati! One of the things i stil find hard is that my father was really hard on me, always criticise on me and never showed love of positif feedback. But to the world outside he was really nice and caring, was a soccercoach for example and everyone love how suportive he was to that boys team... but he never suported me in a healthy way :(