VULNERABILITY TRIGGERS: ANXIOUS AND AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT
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- Опубликовано: 4 окт 2024
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This video is from a new series about healing our childhood and relationships called "Healing Love," and describes how those with Anxious Attachment may feel vulnerable and engage in "protest behaviors," which may trigger vulnerabilities in those with Avoidant Attachment (ie. using protest behaviors).
Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):
1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
(***This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.
2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"
(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).
3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT
Guided journal to help direct healing from childhood coming soon!
xo
***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at drsagehelp@gmail.com and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load.
*** Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.
Please visit my website www.drkimsage.com to obtain info on fees, treatment, resources, etc!
Thank you so very much - I truly and sincerely appreciate you, and the time and thoughts you share here:)
Best advice. AVOID an Avoidant‼ The end!
While it's extremely humbling to look back on relationship ruptures and blow-ups that I now see were the direct result of my attachment wounds, I'm working on forgiving myself for doing this stuff so that I can heal those wounds and stop reacting in ways that are disruptive to relationships. And at the risk of repeating myself, Dr. Sage is the only resource I've found so far that really nails the nuance and tone of the stuff that comes up from being raised by a BPD/Narc parent. I'm constantly amazed by how much her information resonates, after a lifetime of never seeing my experiences reflected anywhere else. What a relief it's been to know it isn't just me.
Everything you said, YES!!! Glad to read your comment, even if it’s a repeat! ❤
totally
I also love to listen to the crappy childhood fairy on RUclips as well. These are the only 2 I’ve resonated with and feel are correct for me
Can you guys feel her energy?! Your tone, voice, body language is inviting. Loving.
Hey Sassy! It's Artemis. Nice to see you here.
Yeah she’s so soothing and you feel her deeply ❤️🩹
Thank you for this video. I've completely blown my chances with thr avoidant girl ive been dating by getting too anxious and seeking more validation. She simply said she can't give me that emotional support. I always thought I was pretty secure but this relationship made me so anxious it scares me.
It has got nothing to do with you. Their behaviour is never acceptable in a healthy relationship which includes consistent communication. Unless you are also avoidant, emotionally unavailability in a partner will never be fulfilling.
Her voice… makes me feel so comfortable
0:00 intro
2:25 for disorganized attachment
3:51 for secure attachment
4:40 activating strategies
5:37 protest behaviors
7:06 excessive contact
8:19 withdrawing
9:03 keeping score
10:00 acting hostile
10:45 threatening leaving
11:42 manipulation and jealousy
I knew this was me but actually hadn’t confronted these behaviors until I met someone I didn’t want to leave. I was afraid my bf was going to leave so I left first. My therapist called me on my behavior and im trying to do work outside of the sessions. The more I learn, the more damaged an unprepared I feel. I hate this. Im really hoping he forgives me. I didn’t know how much my childhood broke me until now
Most videos about attachment always talk about how/what anxious attachment need to work on or change, but I don’t feel I hear or see videos about how avoidant attachments can do better.
Avoidants get the label because generally, overwhelmingly they do not want to change. They avoid therapy or anything difficult, not exclusive to mental work. The anxious are the opposite and are keen to work on it once they are cognizant to their issues.
So many triggers in my past relationship, even on the good things, we just kept setting each other off.
Im healing my core wounds in hopes of being able to offer a healthier connection to my partner and a healthier relationship to my self.
I believe the key is compassion for yourself and others, weve all been though pain.
I don't really do the protest behaviors, but I do tell my partner sometimes, "You haven't done anything to make me think this, but I'm worried that you're mad at me. Could you tell me you're not mad?" Or, "When you miss our calls I feel really anxious because it makes me think - and I don't wanna read your mind, this is just my anxious thought - that you don't care about staying in contact as much as I do. And that makes me scared that our relationship will break down over time." I'm really good at articulating my feelings around this stuff in an honest way, even though it's hard, but I still feel all the emotional ups and downs of anxious attachment.... I want to do more to address the root of these fears. I worry that my partner will get tired of my constant asks for insurance and stop loving me (haha)
How are things for you now?
THANK YOU SO MUCH for the energy you devote to putting these videos out for us. My partner and I use them to strengthen our relationship and better understand each other. These videos are amazing resources for those of us who may face barriers when it comes to accessing therapy or finding a counsellor who is as well-versed as you are in attachment theory. Just wanted to thank you and say that you are making an impact in the lives of others. Your passion shows, and is contagious. You’re a natural teacher and many of us are so grateful for you and your work!!
im secure, so about 48 hours after my ex left, i knew i would never hear from him again. i spent the next few months in therapy and learning about avoidants. its still bewildering to me that someone could hate me soo much because i said yes to the things he in life he said he wanted. i don't miss him as a person, but i really do not want to get into a relationship with a person who uses gaslighting and stonewalling as a way of punishing their partner for simply for agreeing with them. im going to start making potential parnterhips take an attachment quiz before i commit ever again.
They don't hate you, they are not aware of the cause of their distress, your love becomes the catalyst for everything that frightens them. I am not justifying their actions, this type of behaviour is cruel.
Ive read this im the HSP person in Love that You can throw in a question about their childood , if either you few too much or too little details there's a sign that they had a hard time during childood hence not the most secure ones unless they healed themselves. All the best
Your work is describing my life after my marriage to a narcissist and the discovery of my anxious attachment. Thank you for the effort to put it out there.
My thoughts exactly. CPTSD, 3 recent narc relationships. At 60, I really just want to be at peace.....no more drama. So, I isolate. 😊 🙏
Off topic… love that sweatshirt on you! Thanks for all your hard work! Really love your vibe. Great video!
Thanks so very much!!
How about going to a seeing a trauma therapist and dealing with your issues instead of wasting other people’s time getting to a relationship with them and neglecting them. Should be illegal
I’ve always thought that too. It’s criminal.
You have the right to exit anytime :)
I’ve watched 3 of your videos now and really like the content, out of all the people I watch on here I feel like you’re speaking from experience. There’s something I’d like to touch on though - you say that anxious people don’t know how to self regulate so they look for a response.. I can understand that but sometimes arguments happen or the avoidant shuts down and can be really invalidating at a time when the anxious is genuinely being vulnerable and sharing deep feelings… if the reciprocity of this is invalidating it can feel like a wound or betrayal so you go deeper into anxious brain and it feels like the other person did it to you so I guess what I’m saying is the other person steps on your foot and now you need to go and bandage it up for yourself but other people may just not step on your foot in the first place when as an anxious person you’re actually behaving healthy
i really appreciate how willing you are to break each of these concepts down for us. it is so daunting to find CPTSD later in life and be rewinding and playing tapes over and over trying to understand patterns, tendencies and what needs healing. you are beautiful and easy to understand, kim. thank you. ❤
I am so very grateful for the shift in you that encouraged you to do this. You have become such a blessing to my spirit. My life is improving every single day, and I owe a great deal of that to your information.
Yes ma’am I want to be soothed when Im feeling down verses being left alone
Life and relationships are way too complicated! Where does one even start to deal with this?
It’s overwhelming 😢
OMG I've got a total crush on you. haha sounds silly at 56 but hey, you're gorgeous and talking about things that help not only me but others as well. This stuff can be so difficult to deal with but you make this information accessible and understandable and honestly, that's a real gift. I wish there were more therapists like you. Thanks for all you do. It's kinda hard to believe you were once shy about sharing this because you're so good at it.
So informative, thank you so much. I have anxious attachment and my partner is avoidant and I am terrified of them just standing up and leaving.
Lord hearing the anxious attachment is like reading a book about myself…hate this
It takes 2 to work on a relationship. Not 1. Of they want their space and autonomy then they have to work on it and ask for it. Im not a cow/lady in waiting where you can just come back to me at the end of the night. Work wont care if you are dead. Your family will.
We ❤ u Dr Kim. Keep up ur great work. U helped me get over a rough pt. My anxiety got triggered and I was able to use tools suggested and get balance back. Thx!
Beautiful video. I love your attachment insights and especially between the anxious and avoidant dynamic. Healing AP here! Lol. With a little FA and DA mixed in.
I've been with a couple of people who tried to make me feel jealous. It promptly got them dumped. To me, they had just proven themselves untrustworthy, which was something I'd worried about anyway, so buh-bye.
Love you and your bravery!!!❤❤❤❤
I just ended a relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies. I have never experienced such a crazy relationship in my life. After fighting he began to hold back and play cat and mouse with me.. wanting me in his life but not wanting me. Continuously putting me down, slighting me, punishing me while simultaneously lifting me up in adoration. Then when I called him out on treating me wrongly he would throw everything in my face. It’s the most confusing crazy stuff I’ve ever experienced.. it leaves you feeling like you’ve lost yourself. 😭
This is very accurate.
I seem to swing between being avoidant and anxious. I really am aware I need someone I can rely on who keeps their word but if let down without reason I just back off and leave due to feeling unsafe and my anxiety levels going through the roof. I struggle to trust.
You are lovely :) Thank you for the work that you do
Wow what an amazing video, I relate to everything you say here. So much to unpack, I have listened to this 3 times already. In some, probably more toxic relationships I have I feel like this whole pattern you describe consumes the relationship, almost secretly without it being voiced on either side. Is it possible to switch attachment styles depending on who you are interacting with? Because I feel like I relate so much to both the anxious style and the avoidant response. So in interactions with someone more anxious attached than me, I would switch to the avoidant response? This serious is so informative thank you so much Dr Sage. And can I just say, you are an inspiration, what you say at the beginning about sharing your gifts. I'm so glad you did🙏 💖
I know that's been my experience. Now that I can recognize some of these various behaviors in myself, I definitely note that I have very different attachment styles and defenses with different people. This seems like a fertile area to explore and unpack. So I share your sentiment about re-watching these, as there is so much information that really resonates.
You know your stuff!
I had a best friend help stop me from making the worst mistake ever .
this guy Darryl from school years use to be a great friend we laughed shared jokes then time later he became a crooked street hustler wanted me to go with him to a hotel . in a panic I called Greg a true friend he gave advice not to go with him or give him money .
I'm so greatful to have never gone anywhere with Darryl .
💯💯
Its like i cant react att all.then she pull away.she at her best when im numb.a doormat.becos if i even got disappointed i shodent show it.its impossible whit out get numb.to even handel this.
Thank you! ❤❤❤
Really good thank you
So what do avoidants do that can trigger anxious people to break up? this is all about what anxious people do
They act like a narcissist. Seems like stonewalling but it’s probably them being overwhelmed.
Exactly what I was thinking
I feel like I am doomed to never have a healthy relationship. That being said, I need some self-soothing strategies for when I am triggered.
You use the term vulnerability slightly differently from the way I have thought about it. To me being vulnerable is simply a fact, perhaps resulting from a decision to be yourself in a given situation rather than present a persona. If someone took advantage of your openness, then you might “feel vulnerable” (hurt) and take steps to defend yourself. For your talk, however, emphasizing different responses to the hurt makes perfectly good sense. I would hope though that in a good relationship being vulnerable would seem perfectly natural. Is that how you see it?
Love your videos your amazing!
We loved that video as all videos about attachment styles. I wanna know what do u mean " keeping score " ??
Holding onto disagreements, fights, anger
What makes our main attachment style change? For example I have always been anxious but I’m starting to see avoidant tendencies. I think it’s because of being rejected so much in my life. What are your thoughts?
I thought the same listening to this, I can relate so much to both styles in different relationships.
I find that I can be more or less triggered and fall into different patterns based on who I'm around.
Per Dr Kim, you're probably using the Disorganized Attachment style. Other channels might call it Fearful Avoidant, or Anxious Avoidant (as opposed to Anxious Preoccupied).
When you have traits of both styles, it’s likely to be disorganized attachment.
@@pebblebrookbooks4852 thank you! I re-look up the other ways of describing disorganized all the time. It’s so easy to confuse them all.
What can I do to make it up with my avoidant partner after acting hostile towards him? 😭
I was hurt by his behavior once so I acted cold and he never seems to forgive me for that...
I know they are afraid of rejection and all but what can I do when he hurt me??
Great video to wrecognize things you may do in a relationship or maybe why you react how you react etc excessive texting when getting super anxious . Is there a solution though for this type of different behaviors? If she pulls away and you're doing this due tp anxiety or if it's a tit for tat you give them a taste of what they're doing and they get even madder because they feel the pain you felt. Is there a solutions video or coping strategies?
Get a dog and move to the woods.
How do I resolve this with a past partner now that I’m aware? Can I just tell them I didn’t realize that I was doing these behaviors somewhat subconsciously? And how do I reframe from doing them in the future when I’m triggered? I’m not sure what a healthy response should be to these situations. 😢
Whatever you do - the avoident is going to get triggered pull away and try and end the relationship.
Do not engage 💍
How can we deal with them
Ok, so now what do I do???
If a da up and leaves enjoy 😊
How do you recognise your triggers? I tend to be both anxious and avoidant in freindships and relationships
I just posted a video about anxious and avoidant and how we can start to recognize when we are responding from those patterns- hope it will be helpful!
@@DrKimSage I have had the characteristics described above since childhood, although I have been happily married to someone who also had traumatic childhood experiences for over forty years.
I made an effort to reduce my anxieties around four years ago. Two things that I have done with the psychologist that I visit have helped the most:
Almost the first thing she asked me to do was to create a family tree of my ancestors. I soon understood the context of their lives and how their behaviour towards me as a child was a natural consequence of their own experiences and fears.
The second exercise was to recognise the physical characteristics of triggers, shallow breathing and dizziness in my case, and connect them to my childhood anxieties within an adult context. This was very hard, my daily life is entirely analytic, mathematics, physics and engineering. To recognise the legitimacy of emotions in the context of decision-making seems quite unnatural, even though those childhood memories have always had control of my behaviour.
It is not a quick process for me, I know my reactions were irrational and I still feel overwhelmed at times, but my immediate behaviour after most triggers is now much calmer than it was.
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Thank you. You are so Helpful!!!!💋🍭🍭💖💖🦚🏝🦚🏝🦚🏝🦚🏜🙌🙌🍩🥳♥️🍩♥️🍩♥️
I was secure at the beginning but with with wife never commiting and communicates in abandonement tine all the time. Its creates the anxiouty attachment to come out. Specially when she stonewalls and moves out over me wanting to cuddle for ten minutes before bed. Not alone sex that happens maybe once every six months.