HEALING AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT: HEALING ATTACHMENT WOUNDS
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- Опубликовано: 9 июл 2024
- This video explains 14 research driven steps which are important, if you want to work on healing your Avoidant Attachment wounds/disturbances.
Each step is related to the research on both what happens to infants within Avoidant Attachment dynamics, and how Avoidant Attachment plays out in our adult lives and relationships.
The final step will be shared in a video at the end of the week, as it is a separate protocol to be used for healing attachment disturbances and can be applied to healing Anxious and Disorganized Attachment as well.
FREE COURSE AND CHECKLIST: www.drsagehelp.com
ATTACHMENT COACHING PROGRAM:
www.drsagehelp.com
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HEALING ATTACHMENT WOUNDS SERIES:
This series begins with understanding the primary issues around Attachment Theory and healing Attachment Styles, and will then go deeper into issues around Attachment wounds and related trauma and relationship issues.
I will be posting daily 5 to 10 minute videos after this one on Healing Attachment Wounds and Understanding Attachment Styles and Relationships, as well as tying these topics where appropriate to Complex Trauma, and challenging childhoods and parenting.
Many of you are already very familiar with Attachment, so I hope to add some additional research and topics you will find helpful, and potentially new ways of understanding yourself and life.
While we cannot fully heal attachment wounds without being in relationship with others, these videos will be providing some exercises you can use to enhance your healing journey.
I am so passionate about the relationships between Attachment, Trauma and Relationships, and I truly value your thoughts and ideas, so please share and add any additional information or stories you feel will also be helpful in healing our lives!
xo
www.drkimsage.com. (my website and Thinkific to access courses)
@drkimsage on TIK TOK: / drkimsage . (Daily Content)
************************COURSES COMING SOON on THINKIFIC.COM !!!!******************
COURSES COMING ON THINKIFIC:
BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA
FREE COURSE: "INVISIBLE WOUNDS". IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT
LATER COURSES COMING:
"RE-MOTHERING" (RE-PARENTING)
"HEALED PARENTING,"
PARENTING TRIGGERS FROM YOUR OWN CHILDHOOD IMPACTING YOUR PARENTING TODAY
***ALL COURSES INCLUDE WORKBOOKS AND JOURNALS, GUIDED MEDITATIONS
***Please note! I am so sorry but my practice is full at this time and I cannot accept new patients. If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please email me at drsagehelp@gmail.com and I will email you only when a spot becomes available. I cannot guarantee a spot will open, however, so please know I care very much, but am limited at this time given my case load. Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.
Thank you so very much - I truly and sincerely appreciate you, and the time and thoughts you share here:)
xo
Letting love in is like opening up a whole human reality I didn't know exist. I'm so use to see everyone as my enemy
Life can be a beautiful thing, if you let it be 🌼
Would you describe it almost like being a cornered animal when someone tried to come in close before you got better
1-14. Repeated caregiver rejection
1. Don’t reject own needs
2. Identify physical needs, notice ANS
3. Allow negative emotions, honor inner child’s insecurities. Neff
4. Reparent, give self compassion
5. Where am I rigid, judgmental?
6. Develop your uniqueness
7. Identify resentment and jealousy as roadmap for own needs
8. Gratitude list of how autonomy helped survival
9. Do healing work on healthy relationships…start with pet maybe. Question why feel unsafe
10. Cultivate skill to self regulate so can be there with others
11. Don’t find needs shameful
12. Physical self soothing
13. Develop reciprocal relationships slowly
14. Healing parent figures inside
Muchas gracias desde Sudamérica! Sunshine and rain there is no life without it. Lets enjoy them both.
Most people can only absorb and retain about three ideas at a time. This is why many jokes and most parables operate in threes. Fourteen poorly elaborated strategies was overkill. I cannot say I understood any of them… my eyes glazed over after the third ‘strategy.’
Lol,I don’t need to watch the video now 🤭
Very good. Thx for posting them
Thanks for summary🎉❤
As a 30 year old man you just gave me this revelation. I never knew this was a thing. You described me without even knowing me. It's comforting to know how to get out of this.
I had a revelation yesterday hearing this attachment style thar I had no idea described me 100% as ! I guess timing is everything.
ditto ive been unwilling too get to know anyone
Dude I like this guy who is 30 and I m 21 , we went on one or two dates and I already liked him but I m more aware about my emotions u can say I have anxious attachment style and I observed him and that made me realise he has an avoidant attachment style and the sad part is we don't talk anymore and I believe he might never get to know he has that bcz he already do so much of work to not care about his emotions,and I don't think even if I try I can help him bcz he don't feel the need of that I don't know why but I just want to be with him,but I know it's not gonna work ,I hope I get over this feeling
@@cassie1610 I heard online that these two attachment styles ten to go together in couples. I haven't noticed ... seem to have met either narcissists or healthy men, and been more interested on the unhealthy ones 🤕
I'm 57 and just now found out it's a thing. I got involved with the 12-step group Fellowship and they talked about that a lot in my group
Wowww.I just now realized that besides my pets I don't really feel 100% comfortable around anyone else.
does anyone else find that they have an avoidant attachment style, even though their parents were so loving and supportive?
Exactly ,my family wasn't abusive or neglecting but here I am 😅
I do. Alot of the problems I have in my life now, therapists in videos like these relate everything to child hood.
Yet I came from a very stable, sound, loving, caring family.
It's something happening within myself and not my upbringing. Perhaps something hereditary or some sort of imbalance?
Soul Karma from other lives. Some deep Pain Can come from emotional wounds/ experiances of former lifes brought into this life
@@cryptocandy2150no
For me, my family was great but my schools all abused my brother for his autism. Having an adult authority figure be nice to me and then participate in bullying my brother made everything feel unstable and untrustworthy
I've recently started therapy and we are working on attachment styles. This style describes me very well. When researching the topic I found it very upsetting that there was so much negativity directed to avoidants. I didnt choose this.
I don't know how common this is for others, but the lack of emotional fluency and understanding I have really messes with what I perceive as red flags in others. I can't trust my gut in regards to behaviours in others that I have 'let in'. I can't confront them and I can't escape them.
Ify, dismissive avoidant here now secured. I noticed that even though I now have secured attachment I still feel triggered by the hypercritical and criticism of Anxious Preoccupied as if they are so perfect. Being just with them for a short period of time makes me feel drained specially when you feel their negative emotions. My nervous system is reactive when being with them. Meanwhile, being with a secured attacher makes me feel calm and less triggered. Idk if it's just me. I hope I can be more secured that I no longer feel triggered with people and their attachment style😅❤ If you are a DA just keep going and improve yourself. Most importantly, do yourself a favor. Never date an AP, they will trigger you a lot even when you are already a secured attacher.🎉❤
Yes!! Its so demonised 🥲
I am thankful that I have finally identify my avoidant behavior that has sabotaged my romantic relationships for over a decade and kept me single despite wanting a deep intimate connection. I'm on a path to heal myself so I can parent myself and my daughter better. With guidance and openness have a healthy relationship as I apply this techniques. I'm accepting this is a journey and it will take some time to rewire my brain and heal my nervous system. This was so helpful and life changing.
I agree 100%. If it wasn't for the avoidant attachment, I would be an alcoholic or drug addict with 10 children. I am very thankful for it. I have taken all of my childhood trauma to motivate me and has made me thrive in my career to reach that peace in my life. However, personal relationships are, in fact, very hard for me. I do well around people who don't keep tabs, are non-judgemental, and are not co-dependent. I CANNOT be around over-emotional or anyone who just constantly complains about life. It's a repellant.
One of the things about avoidance I can not wrap my head around is that if I feel better single, more comfortable alone, feel better when I'm independent, never have a desire to be intimate, and like self regulation of my emotions. Why would I want to change that? Even when my attachment style is born out of a fear of not being accepted. Why would I want to shift from a state of being comfortable to one of potential being uncomfortable?
Because they need affection, it's like not having an appetite but needing food to live so u eat grudgingly and hate the food for it an as soon as yr filled u scuff at the food
It's because the urge the longing for connection is there. It's just blocked by the fearful experiences i protect myself against.
Both is growing. Step by step connection left foot foreward. Then a hurt happens and right foot foreward the fear grows a bit. I avoid contact. Until guess what, the urge to connect becomes bigger then the fear. It feels like an inner war. Constricting myself, all life force. Not helpful that the shame i carry leads me to choose not safe people to connect with plus due to the experiences i feel so insecure being around people that a mask comes up and it's out of my might to do something against this i have to connect so i adapt to hide myself in the safety because if i feel shamed again it feels like i die. Like my self worth gets the final hit that destrois it completely. It goes hide somewhere inside automatically. What attracts inauthentic people who match the other side of this pattern. And confirmed the anxious believes that people aren't safe. At some point this pattern dictates about the relaitionship i have with myself and then it's self avoidant and from myself i can't flee. So i have to do something. It feels like being ripped apart internally. That intense pain gives me the power to overcome some obstacles. At some point i recognized i feel imprisoned.
@Ronnie Mcdonald using your same analogy. Let's say you have a diet and the food you are eating satisfies you hungry and palette to let's say 85%. Why is it worth switching diets to a meal plan that could make you feel 40% worse for the chance of something that could make you feel 15% better? Risking a lot to gain a little doesn't sound like a good investment.
@A. K. I can relate, but what if you feel fine alone? What if the times you feel the best are when you're not with someone?
@@Nosh5 i guess for some people this could work. And for me, there is an inner fight of different needs. The need of safety and the need to connect. Plus i am a mom. Alone time is a rare good. I love being alone with me. Best in nature. I block two hours twice a week for me to go in the forest alone when my child is in school. I really need this time to recharge and i need people i can rely on and make some new experiences with.
It would be unfair/unhealthy for my child's development (it's an extravert) if i would isolate my child with me and it would not work. It's not possible to raise a child completely alone and stay sane. They need a variety of people to learn from and i need some rest and distance from time to time. My child needs safe people to develope itself away from me .... They want to become more independent and start in a safe environment.
Becoming a mom added some quality's and personality traits within me. One is to connect/love at a completely new level. Another is i can't bare any bullshit in my live like crappy behaviour i ignored back then.
And yes i can imagine that some people are the most happy in theyr own company.
I have an avoidant husband and i have been going insane with his avoidant personality and clashing thoughts. On one side, I do know in my heart that he is a good man, he does love me, we went through a struggle to be with each other, got married young etc. On the other hand, intimacy always takes a backseat. We used to engage in bad fights over the years because the moment I expressed my needs, he became explosive and painted me in a bad light. Over time, with the help of such videos, reading up on this personality type & self awareness of own anxious attachment type (because I grew up without my dad and lost my mom at a young age), I made some changes in myself and noticed things DID get better with him. I noticed him making an effort too, where I knew he was merely making an effort for my sake, but remember you cant change someoen to think and feel like you. as long as the effort is coming, it means something. When I stopped 'demanding' my needs being met, giving me more time, doing things for me in a certain way (my love language) and took out complaining and accusatory tone and words out of our discussions, I was able to notice some positive changes. He became more open, shared more, was not as evasive as he used to be (because the fear of criticism reduced somewhat), even started making expressive gestures (a little bit) and became more in tune of his responsibilities. towards me.
He's still the same guy that honestly, I am annoyed with almost everyday but being married for almost 8 years I have noticd that every person has their vice, it may sound cliched but NOBODY is perfect. Honestly, it is EXTREMELY hard work, it's like you constantly train yourself to be a less sentimental, brave, calm person (especially if you're an anxious, insecure in love kind of person) but over time, you will realize that avoidant people in most cases are victims of their neglectful & abusive childhoods. While I am NOT advocating avoidants, knowing first hand how lonely & empty you feel with them, but they're NOT BAD PEOPLE. if we go on leaving people for who they are, everyone would be single.
I believe God really does want you to be self-reliant and explore that whole universe in yourself that you are. yes, love and affirmation is important, but they're not all your life, just parts of it. dont rely on others to make you feel loved and validatated. Final thing: learn to appreciate what people spell out in their own love language rather than enforcing your own and as long as the partner IS making some sort of effort for the relationship, hang on :)
I have fallen deeply in love and am engaged to a woman who is avoidant. Yesterday we read the book "Attached" and things became very clear. I am secure with a dash of anxious and she is fully avoidant. She even stated that her independence was more important to her than a relationship with me. Do you think we have a chance at happiness? Can we both heal to securely attached? Should I move on or try to work through this?
i feel you. you're not alone. all i can say is, as long is you feel there is an effort from her end to work out the relationship, and you feel there is love between the two, i do believe two people willing can make it work. good luck! @@johnford9455
@@johnford9455 you should move on in my opinion
Dr I just learned about this today and I have to say I am crying my eyeballs out. I hate being this person, I want to be better, I want to be a better partner for my partner. He deserves a healed me. What can I do to do better? I want to do better
How are you doing a year later?
How to reach a person, based on their attachment style: For an avoidant: when they shut down, tell them they are an amazing person and worth loving, and if they want to have some time alone, that's ok. When an anxious activates, tell them they are an amazing person and are worth loving, and if they need reassurance, again, it's ok. And it's important that you let them know that you're telling them this not because you just want to get through the problem, but that it's just true. It's just really hard to do because when they shut down/activate, it's that very thing that makes you want to hurt them rather than love them. But if you let them know that their strategy is totally fine with you, they're more likely to not utilize it
Do you think avoidant folks can heal? Can they become securely attached?
@johnford9455 If they have insight into their avoidance, learn to hate their avoidance (we can not break a bad behavior until we learn to hate that behavior) and embrace idea of attaching to others, yes.
Most people assume that avoidants don't want any type of connection to anyone and just want to be alone 24/7. However, nothing could be further from the truth. As an avoidant myself, I have lots of friends and networks I'm a part of (as a business owner) and enjoy my time hanging out with them. While my biggest complaint in my romantic relationships is that I don't express my feelings outwardly, I don't believe I need to. Everyone deals with emotions differently (either external or internal) and it appears people just want everyone to respond exactly the same way.
That said, I'm not saying avoidants are perfect and don't need to work on themselves. I for example have a hard time asking for help and have been scolded several times by friends. I have no problem telling people when something goes wrong, but I never discuss how I FEEL about it because that's irrelevant. The point is I have friends, date, and enjoy the company of others just as much as anyone else, but at the end of the day I rely on myself. "I'm a popular loner; my circle is small, everyone knows my name, and I'm usually by myself." I don't think this is a bad thing. 🤷🏿♂️
Wow..... i am 50 and i know there was something going on and i have tried to figure things out... and here i thought i was stubborn but this all makes sooooo much sense! Sucks to try and be healing at this age. Never ever heard of this and stumbled upon this somehow and i am like with is Avoidant mean. Well now we know! thank you so so so much for this video....
I found this so helpful. Thank you! I wrote down an overview of the main points made I hope others find helpful
1. acknowledge your emotional needs
2. practice physical affections and know your inmate needs
3. honor your inner childs needs , do some self compassion work
4. reparenting, learn how to repair wounds from childhood
5. look at how you are rigid, judgemental, and strict
6. look at what makes you unique and how you can express it
7. look at where you a jealous, resentful or jealous of others
8. honor your self reliance and create a gratitude list for upside of avoidance. See where it helps you and doesn't
9. do healing work around relationships to be able to trust other with
10. practice being present while with others with mindfulness and relax in group, don't
11. look at shame you have internalize
12. general mindfulness, self soothing techniques,
13. work on attracting healthy relationship and being vulnerable with others
Thank you so much. This is spot 🎯
How very thoughtful. Thanks a lot Dude. I will use this template as I too need deep healing here and am indeed scheduled to do this as self- help work. Thank you for this accelerant.
scrolled down looking for this!! thanks 😊
Thank you 💓
Excessive avoidance cases I've seen and experienced have turned friends into enemies. Personally I've been approached for some support of one kind or another, it's like if I continue for more than as little as 15 minutes, I'm verbally assaulted for being suffocating or controlling.
On the flip side, if I'm the one seeking support of some kind, the response is usually "I don't owe you anything at all! I'm not your wife or partner, so don't come to me expecting any effort of any kind. It's not my job to help you."
i sabotaged a relationship 2 months ago and you’ve helped me identify the reason why i cant seem to ever have healthy relationships. Thank you for this video i plan on using these to work on healing before I start dating again.
I feel like I'm sabotaging my current one. And I'm scared i will push it too hard to the point of no return
@@isharanimohana1579 What happened? I broke up a month ago because of this..
I just sabotaged my relationship of a year and 4 months. He is avoidant and I couldn’t take the emotional unavailability any longer. It’s so painful but in some ways I feel a little better. I actually thought it was pretty healthy relationship until a couple of months ago. Then I started to see he was slowly backing away. It made me crazy thinking it was me so my reactions became uncharacteristic. This is one of the videos that showed me the bigger picture. It’s awful. Best of luck.
@@melissabrzescinski494 hope that heals. I'm avoidant too, and feel incredibly unsafe getting close to anyone 😢
@kylereeder6458
I've self-destructed every intimate relationship I've ever been in over nearly forty years - 2 marriages, one engagement, and a handful of girlfriends, that all deserved much better than I could give.
I'm 52, and this is an unpleasant aspect of my psyche that I have been unable to see. Jung would say that is because it's part of my Shadow. I recognized the unhelpful patterns many years ago, but did not see the heart of the matter before today.
There are times, when I am looking out through these tear-stained eyes, that I can see things so very clearly...
Watching this makes me really proud of where I've come since moving out almost two years ago. I've naturally started doing my own healing and I can see how these steps have slowly come from it. I'm still very avoidant, but I'm making progress.
How are you progressing on your healing journey from avoidant? Any great resources that you've found helpful. I've read the book "Attached" but I'm still looking for ideas to help me become more securely attached.
Something that I’m realizing now from this video is that even though I can’t handle physical touch with just anyone, I know that when it’s someone that I care about I want to be hugged if I’m mad about something. My recent relationship was so difficult because I didn’t know how to express that point to my ex that when I’m upset even if I don’t talk about it or if I can’t verbalize my thoughts a hug would be the most helpful thing because I never really got that too often as a kid. Quite an emotional experience at the moment 😂 thank you very much for your wisdom here.
This is exactly how I feel. I wasn’t able to verbalize it to my partner until I read your comment. It has been so difficult trying to explain this to him. I don’t want to be touched and I’ll say don’t touch me but deep down I want the hug or I want to be held when I’m upset or when I’m in my “shut down” mode.
I really like your style and your approach. I am your classic D/A male with huge intimacy fears. I feel very soothed after watching your videos. I also like your warm and non-threatening personality.
So helpful. Sometimes videos describe cause and effect but that leaves you no better off apart from knowing more about what's wrong.
It's REALLY helpful to be given explanations AND strategies to tackle the situation. Thank you, Dr Sage!
This is true. I learned this about myself after a very abusive relationship with an egocentric person. I wanted to change it because you do actually find yourself more attracted to people that purposefully ignore your needs or are rigid and controlling. No matter how cool being avoidant seems, you get so used not to having your needs met you date an emotional vampire 😂
True!
Getting a dog has been helpful for me!
Wow. Finally someone who makes sense. Thank you.!
Kim, learning that you can relate to us through your own lived experiences … I can’t describe the feeling.. relieved, sad, happy, grateful, hopeful. Thank you
Hello Dr. Sage, I just found your channel after having a lot of trauma come up from childhood (I am 43). I believe my mother has traits of borderline (no formal diagnosis; she's never seen a psychiatrist) and I grew up in a seemingly healthy home, but I realized I still live as a terrified little girl. Although I have dealt with depression, panic, and anxiety all my life, I was just diagnosed with PTSD yesterday. I am starting in-person trauma therapy tomorrow. This is all very sudden and new to me, and I am grateful for your content. Thank you for your work.
Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for all you've experienced and I am very hopeful that therapy will be a healing and safe place for your PTSD...sending you 💜🙏🙏
Great explanation. More and more I believe my partner is a dismissive avoidant. Do you believe just sending this video to him will help? Since July last year he has asked for time alone.
I love it when you say it's a superpower❤️ I often feel guilt of having this attachment style,as if something was off.
Thank you for identifying what is behind the pain of broken relationships, and the avoidance of connection while ultimately hungry for it.
I just came upon your video. This has been super educational. Alot of things makes sense in my relationship. Thanks for doing what you do
This is really great. It's easier to understand the phenomena of different attachment insecurities when looking at action and healing around them for me - since there's a way forward there's less despair. Thanks for working to make something that is often presented as intangible and unchangeable feel more tangible and approachable
I just discovered your channel with this video! Love ur content. Learning a lot. I've been going through self sabotage and it rly sucks because deep down it isn't what I want to do, learning to deal with my avoidant attachment style these days, it's very new to me
This is what I have been trying to find for help! Thank you so amazing, really excited about this and healing journey.
I can't believe I found you! This is a game-changer for me. Thank you so much!
This is wonderful, thank you so much!
Thank you so much….your previous video of the 10 things avoidant attachment style does lead me here…all 10 applied. Especially romanticizing previous partners, picking out tiny little things to not like, & massively intellectualizing. I left my ex, she is a wonderful person, I kept picking out tiny little things & it hurt me so much, because I know she is wonderful & I never wanted to be honest about these stupid things that would only hurt her, I’m glad I didn’t, but I still hurt her by ending it without real clarity. I’m going to therapy, family therapy too with my mom & dad…I know my mom is at the heart of a lot of this. Ty
as a premium avoidant my thanks go to you . I have lots of work to do. I Never knew that I was that crazy.
WOW.
JUST W-O-W!!!!!
VERY GRATEFUL FOR THIS UNDERSTANDING ... FINALLY!!!!
You are amazing.Your content is sooo helpful.Thank you so much for all your time, knowledge, and love you share!
This video truly just allowed me to see what it is that I do. Thank you so much for this awareness !
Just finding out that my brothers and sisters and I were neglected when it came to our safety. This caused one of us to be molested as a small child, one to see this as a youngster, another to be trampled violently by a horse, two to be exposed to a pornographic/ threatening with death for themselves and family, and a couple of other dangerous horse situations.
One sibling was told to "walk it off"" when clearly their foot was broken. Also, not to tell their mother.One sibling was seriously injured by a horse, but chose not to tell their parents because they were poor. Children were neglected outside , even though a child molester lived two -doors and a field away.
Relative took nude photos of one, and took two of them out to a field with a rifle and threatened to kill them and their family if they told any one.
Omg, this was eye opening for me! Lots of great information. Thank you!
Thank you so much for your videos on attachment styles, it really helps me to understand myself as well as others and why people behave in certain ways 🙏🏼😁
This was so helpful! I love your voice and everything was easy to understand. Thank you so much for sharing this information.
This got me. I realise it's been an issue for me all my life
Your work s incredibly helpful. You completely understand the issues. 🙏🏼 ❤️❤️❤️
I appreciate your work so much! I deeply connect with a lot of your content. I’m also working towards a psychology degree and your videos are inspiring! Thank you for posting!
Keep doing what you’re doing!! This is helpful to share with my clients!
Thank you very much Dr for your work. I am helping orphans, especially adult orphans, in France. This was a precious understanding of attachment theory
thanks so much for this video! it was so helpful, it left me feeling like I got precise recap of my life. I'm so glad I discovered your channel and look forward to watching more. thanks again
Thank you so much for sharing this wisdom. It's beyond helpful for some of us who have never understood why we are the way we are.. and how we can finally grow and thrive.
Thank you so much, this really does change your life. We have to learn to heal and this video has been helpful for me.
This is was very eye opening for me, thank you!
Thank you for sharing such valuable information in an open platform so that anyone can access it easily.
Great video. I definitely have this avoidant style and I never knew why I ran from people i had feelings for the second they reciprocated. I’m trying hard to fix it because I know I can’t live like this forever and I don’t want to.
You are a true blessing, Dr Sage 🙏 Happy Holidays
These videos have been so helpful! I'm on a journey recovering from heroin addiction, and finding out all lot of about myself especially the parts of me that are painful. Relationships are a huge one. After watching a few of your presentations, I'm really beginning to grasp why I prefer to be alone while truly needing love and intimacy with others. I've always pushed people away when I was getting too close. Anyways,, I could go on and on about this :)
Thank you for helping me out, I need it (but damned if I ever ask for it ;)
I've learned some truly important things from you. Stay awesome!
Thanks for sharing this...just as many other people watching this video I have come to understand myself and now I know I can work this out for the better, I am definetely looking forward for further videos on this topic and how to remediate the bits that make me upset quite often...thank you!
Thank you, I am grateful to have found your video, it has opened me to a new focus of my personality.
I can't underestimate how helpful this video was. I am going to try the container exercise and I felt a mindset shift when you commented that it is okay to be needy. I have never heard this angle before. I find people tend to run in the opposite direction when I express a perhaps needy version of myself. Not many can handle this. This video gives me a lot of avenues to explore.
You make so much sense to me. I really appreciate your content. I take something useful from every video.
So glad you find it helpful! Thank you so much for sharing and for being here!🥰🙏
This was so helpful! I don’t think anyone minds when they are longer. You have helped me learn more about myself than my therapist. Thank you so much for all this awareness
You're so welcome!:). Appreciate the feedback and appreciate you being here with me:)
Thank you for your support and content. No going to lie I feel completely overwhelmed with this work😢. Will do it in increments ❤
Outstanding video. Very well explained
Thank you so much for this. This all helped me so much to make sense of what I'm doing, especially because I'm so ready to work on myself to be present in my current relationship.
could you please give any update? i‘m in the exact same situation 🫠
You are helping me to look at myself.... thank you
This was helpful for further introspection and different ways of approaching the healing process. Thank you.
Thank You so much, Its really helping me understand myself.
I'm a real mix of avoidant and anxious....have you created a video for this? I love your channel after just stumbling upon it. Thank you for helping us 😊💞🌟
I’ve been single and celibate for 12 years after patches of a few years here and there in my 20-30s being with a plethora of different types, mostly anxious types, as I always found a way to avoid anything long term…except, of course, for the relationship I’ve had with just myself living alone and single for the vast majority of my adult life. It’s safe. Quiet. There is very little chaos of stuff or feelings, and it’s just mine. I’ve never envisioned myself with someone else. Never.
OMG. This is what I am looking for. ❤
I can’t wait for tomorrow’s video
Married to an avoidant. I now understand where it came from.
In my family next generation of kids is going through trauma right now. I'm going to do my best to heal for them. It won't be about but I want just one adult to be there.
Excellent info. Thanks so much.
Definitely doing great with your videos. You get to the point and provide useful informatino as well as solutions. Do you already have videos on the positive qualities avoidant dismissive have and how to build on the positive?
This was amazing!
Hi Kim, the penny has finally dropped after living with my wife for 46 years and dozens of hectic arguments I can now understand what and where the problem is.
She grew up in a good quality family but with the exception of the having her parents give her the close love that she as a very soft person needed. Her parents had relocated from Germany to South Africa at the end of the second world War and they put their life into a small business which became very successful. All of this led to the development of my wife's avoidance character. But I have finally seen the light and I will hopefully use your advice. Thank you so much. God bless, Mike Smythe
Thank you so much,That was very helpful for me ❤.
As an avoidant, it's about context for me. I get a massage once a month with a fantastic massage therapist, which I LOVE and always look forward to. In its way, massage is very intimate. But because it's with a professional and it's not a romantic/sexual situation, it feels good and safe and "right." But things like holding hands, eye contact and other kinds of intimate touch with a partner not only feel REALLY uncomfortable to me, it also feels like it's "just not me," if that makes any sense. Hopefully others can relate to this weird feeling: "I'm doing this thing with this person, but it feels really wrong and just not in line with who I am or what I want or what I'm comfortable with." Truth is, I don't know what it is I want or need.
Thank you, Kim.
Yes Dr Sage all so true.. especially talking to the self. Been self soothing talk and reparenting since about 7 yrs old and now present day aiming to heal that deep mother (& father) wound. Cptsd is no joke. It helps overall when we as humans can remain non-judgmental and looking at each other's stories in the full. Gosh its so vital whilst trying to see from all sides and understand why we do what we do...especially if it's unwanted behaviour. You Shine and offer MUCH HOPE. dear. Love and Light sent your way along with Abundant gratitude 🙏
Such kindness from you and so deeply appreciate you and your thoughtful response here. CPTSD is really challenging to heal from and it is so important to love on our inner selves and to try to really see one another. Can't find access to my emojis for some reason but am sending hearts to you!
in same boat ,those wound plus chronically painful and fatigue ,cptsd and hearing voice and in psychosis is actually happening to many and it is sad thing because we all deserve great life
The love from my dog is the first time I’ve felt unconditional love. I know only the Buddha can really do that, not even I can come close to loving unconditionally, so I can’t expect that from others. But, it showed me that I don’t have to accept breadcrumbs and neglect.
I continuously hear psychological professionals come up with different definitions on avoidant personality and so far the only psychologist that I trust to tell the truth and without confusion is dr ramani from California
My ex was like this. I never want to date someone like that again. He had never noticed his issue, but so glad you're sharing this, because people can grow and learn, they deserve that, and those that have dated them deserve a partner who's not so cold or distant. 💜
maybe you should have done a better job helping him to feel safe to be vulnerable with you
@@u4iadreams Na, fk that. If you think it's your job, you can.
@@BerryBlondaewithADHD I can, I do, and I will. Everyone craves intimacy and safety in vulnerability. If you can't bring yourself to provide the space for that for your romantic partners, maybe they're better off without you.
@hannah dreams I know you're projecting, but I'm not interested. At some point people have to come to their own realizations. I would have never been happy there. I'm not a doormat, and people have to want to work on themselves with growth ive learned this. If staying is what makes you happy, then do it, that would have been a terrible outcome in my situation. ✌️
@@BerryBlondaewithADHD It's not a projection. It's a challenge. What is it that you expect from relationships and, more importantly, what is it that you're willing to provide? Providing a safe place for your partner to be vulnerable does not make one a doormat. You sound like someone who would leave your partner if they cried in front of you is all. In such cases, yes, you're both better off not having the relationship.
The thing I don't understand is that I have no doubt 100% a Dismissive Avoidant attachment style, however, both my parents (especially mother) were not the authoritarian types and were very affectionate with us. This makes me wonder just how hard wired we may be for these attachment styles independent of our environments??
Thank you, that's very helpful.
thank you so much dr. kim.
I loved your video, a lot of good informations that really make sense !
Thank you so much - so glad you're here!:)
Very helpful for me!
Thank you sooooo much for your insight
Thank you so much this was so helpful
Yes thanks.
Very helpful, thank you.
I love this. Avoidant attachment types get a bad wrap for being jerks, and we are lol, but we dont mean to be. In therapy now and i hope to heal enough so relationships aren't so scary and I won't have such an urge to distance or even peace out from the relationship. Yeah im most comfortable alone, but I want to be comfortable in a good community of peeps and a partner one day too. Seems like such a more life giving place to be.
This was a helpful vid, thank you!
It took me to be romantically linked with someone who's attachment style is the exact same as mine, to see my behaviour for what it was.
We both did the exact same things, being on the receiving end was not pleasant, but I can't hold any hate for it as I totally understand. It's helped me to have empathy for myself and others, and to understand that this fear that I feel is misplaced. That I don't actually need to run and shutdown. I may need to go off and chill for 3 days minimum stimulation, but I don't need to run full speed in the opposite direction when someone gets close. 😂 That fight or flight is doing the most, for no real reason, there is no danger. We can have boundaries, we can go slow, we can take time, we can chill and see how things go, even if that is terrifying in the moment.
Love your channel
thank you so much for this information
My biggest hurdle is a mental block that equates needs to weakness. if i have needs then I can be judged or manipulated and then leading to feeling humiliated. Also, the more I know someone the more closed off I get. I wasn't avoidant when my then GF and I started dating, but about 3 years after marriage I started to slow close off. now at 30 years of marriage Im completely closed off and the only reason the marriage is still intact is because my wife is also avoidant
This hit home
Thank you 🙏🏽