Why the people YOU LIKE DON'T like you BACK: how attraction messes with your head
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- Опубликовано: 8 сен 2024
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Have you ever noticed that the people you're really interested in never seem to reciprocate your feelings? On the other hand, have you ever noticed that the people you can kinda take or leave seem to really want to have a relationship with you? Isn't that just the ironic tragedy of dating? However, it doesn't have to be this way. Almost certainly, you are making a fundamental mistake when it comes to how you are treating the people you are attracted to. I'll explain more in this episode.
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#attraction #dating #relationship
For the people who are confused, I think he's saying that don't be so obsessed and obvious over someone you like. This tends to be a turn off. Treat them as a normal person.
You can still pursue someone and be calm and collected. Don't put them on a pedestal
? wut
Perfectly sums it up
Literally not possible unless you're an emotinless npc.
Yeah... I hate that.. lol.. it's also the Halo effect
Facts. It’s the whole putting someone on a pedestal thing.
It's always the ones you have no attraction for that be falling for you.
Every damn time . Without fail
true. I had this guy whose eyes will lit up whenever I enter the room but I am not attracted to him, but whatever i'm gonna take him because the guy I'm attracted to acted like I don't exist. Accept the person who's grateful for your existence not the one who's oblivious of your existence.
Every. Effing. Time.
@@crowofcainhurst When accepting the ones who grateful for your existence also make sure your actually attracted to them . I’ve been in a position where I dated this one girl who I wasn’t really to excited about , but she treated me so well, I was hoping the attraction would develop over time , but it didn’t . Relationship made me miserable , it was completely my fault . But a lesson learned , don’t date someone unless you’re actually interested
It's because you are talking to them like a regular person and are not anxious and nervous around them. When i see my crush i immediately get nervous and dont know what to do with myself
1. Stop chasing;
2. Keep busy;
3. Enjoy your life.
That doesn't work to attract a mate.
@@pozytronowyedek1958 but it helps you keep a healthy headspace
@@pozytronowyedek1958 it actually does
Your #2 and #3 are things we all should be doing whether single or partnered. It's not especially relevant to this video.
forever single!
It's not about pretending that you don't like someone, it about training your brain to realise they are normal people not shooting stars. Treat the person you have a crush on like a normal human being.,React to them the way you'd react to another.
Act interested but disinterested.
Maybe God is just not wanting us to idolize people more than him.
@@Elvengem maybe she's(god) away on business?
@@te9591 God never leaves us within once we truly love Him. "Im always with you" promise from Christ. There are times when it feels lonely and unemotional but deep down is always there within.
@@Elvengem comments like this piss me off to no end. Can you specify which god and not be an ass and assume there’s only yours?
You are more authentic with people you are not attracted to, this is what is appealing to them, with people you are attracted to you are less authentic because you are a pleaser and it repels
Yeah, he should have said that.
@@fainelia damn. Thank you.
@@fainelia I mean yes but it’s not always about personality. Sometimes you’re just attracted to people who are out of your league looks wise.
@@cookiesarelikecreamThat league thing I do not really get it (assuming you are not talking about social casts).
It could apply to very young, inexperienced people, at high school maybe, but to adults not much.
A 'higher league' women can be attracted by you, while the 'lower league' one would not be interested.
The compatibility thing is multifaceted.
Like it's not a higher league for some if that stunningly beautiful women does not even cook well 😂
Never put another person on a pedestal. They are normal people just like you and me.
This
I worked at a consumer/trade show, and informed people / strangers, about our products when they came and looked and asked about them. One couple came and talked with me, and I did the same as for anyone else, whatever... My big bold co-workers were hiding in the corners, almost shivering in wonder what to say. My "customer' was bowled over, impressed by my normal treatment to him and his wife. After they left, my co-workers all gathered around me asking how I had the courage and could be so calm, and how I could have so much time talking with that couple, because nobody gets to talk with them so long without an appointment and probably fees to pay their manager. My co-workers told me that was the #1 top superstar in a professional sport with very famous nickname. (I didn't know that was him) Sometimes super people and royalty are starving for treatment as regular people.
It is hard to gain respect if you do not act as equal human, but as a subhuman in front of a superhuman. Those superhumans are tired of world full of subhumans...
Especially if they just stare at them in awe but would not serve them for free on request 😅
I don't show interest (outside of general friendliness) in another person unless I know there's a chance of reciprocity. You can easily tell if there is interest or not. No amount of indifference will cause a person to like you. Also, no amount of interest will seduce a person if they have no interest. Chemistry is not created by social games.
exactly. playing indifferent is just playing a game.
This right here. ☝ This is correct. I wish more people would think this way. There are subtle or more easy-going ways to let someone know that you're interested in them. I personally like it when someone shows genuine interest in what I'm interested in. Not in a creepy way where they take on that interest for themselves in an attempt to impress me, but they might ask me about one of my hobbies and if it's something that they don't know very much about, they Google it, learn about it, then come back to me later with some interesting questions. And if I like that person too, that could be a signal for me to step up and subtly signal back. If that signal isn't reciprocated, I don't push the issue. If it doesn't happen organically, it isn't worth pursuing.
What a truth!!
It takes two to tango so if it happens it happens. If not, only 1 was doing the tango.
yes, he didnt care, I distanced myself, and he still doesnt care bwcause he chases someone else
"When I like them, they don't like me. When they like me, I don't like them." -George Costanza
@@JB-kx9bx What a funny scene that is 😂
…yeah
I finally learned this when I was 35. I started going out with a man, and one day he called to break a date because he had "other things" he needed to do that day. In my younger days I would have been hurt and meek about it. But this time I said, "Oh, that's actually great, because I have a lot of things I need to do too". I sounded glad and relieved that he was breaking the date. He called back in five minutes and wanted to go out after all. We've been married now for 36 years.
so he tested you?
@@JJ-vp3bd I don't think so. I think he got a little insecure when I seemed fine with his breaking the date, and he realized he would have to put in more of an effort if he wanted to see me again. But maybe on a subconscious level, it could have been considered a test.
@@SilverGirl-925it was absolutely a test. Your actions indicated “take it or leave it” and he pursued you. Glad things worked out.
That’s hilarious.
You're 71 years old, married and you need to watch this stuff on RUclips? You're one sick kitten honey.
In French we say "Fuis-moi je te suis, suis-moi je te fuis"...
"Run away from me, I'm following you. Follow me, I'm running away from you."
And that's unfortunately the law of attraction.
Yep. In US I have heard the saying: Flee and they will follow; follow and they will flee.
there are no "laws", only the desire to be loved. everything else is an adjunct from this most basic of human desires
viewing love as a game (with rules and laws) will only mean that, in the end, someone loses, or is doing something "wrong". and when that's the way the most important engagement that exists between two human beings is treated, then there was never love going on in the first place
I am definitely running away now cause I can’t read this French
Indifference makes a person question their value. Once a person questions their value they will try to prove their worth, only if your opinion matters to them. If they have 0 interest, your indifference will be met by their indifference. Not caring or forming emotional attachments is the best way to go. Life is a lesson in letting go. So indifference facilitates this. Most love, infatuation, and obsession is ego based. The easiest way to seduce someone is to create doubt about their worth. They will use you to stop the doubts , however this doesn't mean they love you. It just means their ego needs soothing. The reverse is true as well. If you want to avoid emotional attachments, reduce the ego. This will allow you to not be upset if they don't respond soon, if they don't show gratitude, if they date someone else. Your ego will just shrug it shoulders because it won't take it as a blow to self worth. Just view it as business, limit as best as possible to taking things personally and that includes rejection especially. Your mind will trick you into thinking someone else should love or admire you for who you are. That's ego talking, ignore it to get ahead.
@@wyleecoyotee4252 not always. Sometimes they will continue to fight for approval. It depends on their attachment style and parental dynamics growing up.
Avoid emotional attachments? All wrong here, relationships are meant to bound and have that connection with the other person, is not about erasing any emotional attachment, that advice is ridiculous and comes from fear, instead of cutting any possibility to bound because of fear of being hurt get better at being strong minded all around,not rigid but real strong and is a cheerful calm way, and work on your discernment too to be able to be around high value people and have a lot of value yourself also being able to handle emotions and not being afraid of being vulnerable
I see the idea of your advice and in some cases is ok to help to avoid overwhelming anxiety, but I mean the idea is ok but the execution is bad, is good to help people to get out of that hole of fear and uncertainty coming from anxiety's but if you are going to put them in a bigger hole of the avoidance and indifference against emotions and pair bonding in a spiral or emotional numbness and emotion repression with this advice just better dont
Is that how human beings are supposed to live like? Or calculative machines with blood and flesh. Too much calculations and guardedness to protect your heart. If majority took this opinion and put it into actions, people would just decay internally lack of love
@@javieraguirre9135 adding emotion to the formula will also bring the negative elements of it too (envy, spite, rage). Consider the vast cases of relationships that ended tragically in suicide and/or homicide because the parties involved didn't simply let go or walk away.
@@MACROPARTICLE do you know there's something called emotion management and self control?
Is not about adding emotions to the formula is about being aware and in control of them
Is not about being afraid of them and completely isolate of any relationship because of fear is about face them and handling them, it might be difficult to some people with a hard past but is life, we need to find this control over our lives instead of those emotions completely take over our life and put it upside down
If you love yourself enough it won't matter what anyone else thinks about you.
If you are not attractive, to begin with, most people won't even care if you are indifferent to them or not.
With all due respect, attractiveness is relative. What you may perceive as unattractive is definitely attractive to others.
@@aliij2538 Attractiveness is largely objective though. It's why women prefer men who're over 6'0, have large muscles, a certain jawline and body type. It's why men prefer women with feminine features. Certain things such as humor and personality make it relative but most of the time they pale in comparison with general or objective attractiveness. If you're a 6 with a pleasant personality and an overall nice person, you're still a 6. These traits can also be possessed by someone who's an 8,9 or even 10. Guess who's more attractive now? Not exactly rocket science, bud.
@@danielobrian5675 It's a very superficial approach. You don't even want a woman whose criteria are so primitive.
I saw a couple where a stunningly beautiful woman had a husband 2 heads shorter than he, baldingr, but wide in shoulders, square build, with long strong arms - may 10 years older than her too, He looked like a heavy-weight wrestler or weight-lifter. And they had a child together, and she looked pretty happy next to him, although he hardly ever looked her way, when in public.
Women look for strength; your six pack is a token of strength and of your persistent work on yourself.
A man may look like a chimp, but if he's as strong, can hunt and bring back booty, he wins. Or supersmart, able to plan a successful swindle and become a millionaire - that's intelligence and stamina too.
Yes, very young girls may go after a cute "Gino", perhaps bc of the Hollywood fake standard, but even at that, they will prefer a jerk with proper fists to any Gino.
Of course, when you're strong and/or smart, you also come through as confident, with your shoulders wide open, and it can stand for good looks.
I agree, but I'd correct this to 'If people don't care about you in general, they won't even care if you are indifferent to them or not.' 😆 I see many unattractive people to get so much interest from others to be honest...
@@aliij2538Nonsense,if that was the case most men would have at least one or 2 replies or matches on dating sites. This is the biggest nonsense I've heard
People aren't used to being treated good anymore. When we like someone, we do typically treat them well. We offer to take them for dinner, coffee,send kind messages, etc. I believe most people now are not used to being treated well. That's why they reject it and go for the one who isn't paying any attention them or treats them badly.
abused minds
@@hjtres7261 that's what I think too, honestly.
In a nutshell: when you want it, you can't have it. And when you don't want it, you can have it.
so sad, thats why so many people end up lonely
that sounds like TAo philosophy Just let life take us down the river.We dont need to steer a boat.
@@Elvengem Alan Watts comes to mind
this is life, 1 of the reasons i hate it
For physically ugly guys, it's more like "when you want it, you can't have (or get) it, and when you actually DON'T want it, you can't have or get it either!"
Just hang out with people that want to hang out with you, and don't pursue those who do not want to hang out with you. If someone is not interested in interacting with me, as soon as I realize it, I won't pursue them any longer. Years ago, my wife made it easy to date her, and we're still together. All of my friends make it easy to hang out with them. If someone makes it difficult and shows low interest, I quickly lose interest too.
What is really annoying though, if someone shows high interest at first, and then suddenly drops it. It happens a lot in business. These days, if someone says "I will definitely call you, let's talk more about this", I translate this in my head to "I will MAYBE call you, don't have any expectations though". I don't know why they do it, but it doesn't matter. Just don't take everything people say at face value.
@@markrcca5329 the thing is that don't get too attached to people, don't be desperate.
Bravo
@@markrcca5329 👏👏👏Managed expectations indeed!
However, it is damn near impossible to be indifferent to a person you care about. And if you try, then you are just trying to manipulate them because you are trying to get them to like you, and it all still doesn't work in the end and you are still frustrated and broken hearted when they keep rejecting you. The one who has feelings first, looses. And the other one has all the power to decide if they are going to accept you or break your down.
Yeah..when i see my crush, my heart starts beating faster and i cant simply control everything i do. its tricky tho, you gotta shoot your shot and accept whatever happens after you ask her out
@@SPACEDOUT19 mucho ánimo, espero diga sí.
I think that’s why it’s better for a woman to be more interested/invested. Otherwise pursuing/chasing leaves no conquest for them.
"The one who has feelings first, looses. And the other one has all the power to decide if they are going to accept your or break your down." he played so many games, got so insecure then insulted and ghosted me after promising to just do a drama free breakup if he was going to. like we had a discussion and everything. he wanted to win by triggering my abandonment issues, and he did. "I love you" can be a lie....
@@SPACEDOUT19 Nah. I learned my lesson.
If you "fall in love", wait until that repugnant, hypnotic bullshit passes. Do not under any circumstances allow it to take hold. It is evil, deceitful, and it will always hurt you. Nothing good comes from puppy love. Crushes are for little kids. If that part of you exists, suffocate it and grow up.
As a guy I want to say that if a woman was fawning all over me and was really happy just to spend time with me, that's a relationship that's much more suitable for marriage in my opinion. If a woman is indifferent to me I know immediately it's not even worth my time to talk to her. Maybe I'm not understanding the video properly, but this premise doesn't seem to translate between men and women so well.
Yeah totally, I feel the same way when it comes to a man and also if both parties show indifference they often end up losing contact with each other. Maybe one shouldn’t be desperate though, I assume desperation can be very off putting.
That attitude puts you at risk of a pick me woman.
usually women dont act indifferent from my experience. if they like you they will get mad and show it. if a women is acting indifferent it usually means they dont like you that much or at all
That’s definitely an advice for straight men. Because acting indifferent towards a man won’t pull him closer, he’ll take it as rejection. Women on the other hand will be more attracted to a distant, mysterious man they haven’t ‘’conquered’’ yet.
Also I share your sentiment. I just feel more secure about everything with a woman who’s all over me and happy to spend time with me
I know what you mean. Indifference triggers anxiety in me. In the beginning, it makes me desperate for their attention, but that's not love. After a while, the constant anxiety makes me exhausted...and angry to the point I want to quit.
Attraction is non- negotiable. It is either present or it’s not. An average or below average person can act indifferent to every person they meet, and may NOT attract anyone. On the other hand, a good looking person can act any way they want and attract people to them. It’s that simple.
Bravo, spot on. In short, only looks matter.
The video is about increasing the attraction that's there, not conjuring one out of thin air 😄
@@markolainovic its binary, its there or it isnt, there is no increase or decrease.
@@marsultortheavenger409 That isn't remotely true. It does increase or decrease based on a whole number of variables. There are studies to pick this up. Some people also don't feel attraction at first then feel it later.
Not true at all. If someone's hot yet annoying and needy their attraction diminishes
Indifference is a highly underrated and very powerful tool; there will be plenty of time later to pour our energy and emotions in if a relationship is formed and time has proven that it's warranted. Nothing is more off putting than desperation, and we instinctively recoil when we get that vibe from someone, especially early on. Such good advice!
Emotions are not desperation...........
That's not true at all, I love desperate women.
when people are indifferent nothing gets done. Only Team work works.
@@dylanclark8856 😭
Thank you, Linda, I think I fell in love with you.
"Never mind, I'll find someone like you" is actually a genius lyric; thanks, Adele. If you find your perfect person but find you're not *their* perfect person too, getting hung up on "the one" is only going to keep you from finding the *actual* one you could've been happy with. So don't do that. Don't be obsessive about someone; obsession is not love.
Look at that person you're pining for, then realize there is someone MORE fitting for you out there. Someone who will appreciate you back. Then set out to find *that* person.
Ahhh, I think I understand. Is that the ego thing I saw someone talk about earlier???
Someone said in another comment that "your ego will tell you someone else will appreciate and value your authenticity." Or something like that. :/
Obsession is absolutely a greater quality than love.
Emotions wax and wane like the moon.
They wash up like trash on a beach and are flushed back out to sea without warning or reservation. They can neither be trusted nor relied upon.
Clinical obsession is a quite apparently a much more stable metric of gauging someone's level of interest. Also lasts a lot longer. You could fall in and out of love in a week. Obsession can last until death.
Rode off into the sunset like a desperado, never ran into them, or could find them. Camp, beans, cold tent, midnight prayers, many days spent...
If they like you, it doesn’t matter what you do.*
If they don’t like you, it doesn’t matter what you do.**
*within reason
**also, within reason
thank you , no need to prove your worth
Yes and if you are ugly no one likes you and you can't change anything about it
That "within reason" caveat is big. Whose reason?
She may like you at first sight, bc she takes you for "somebody else", she does not know the real you. She likes what she sees as an external projection of your character in a certain situation. You don't even know what exactly she likes about you, but for some time you can get away with lot thanks to your credit.
But as you keep acting natural, bc you believe she's on the hook and into you, she suddenly turns cold and rejects you abruptly. And again, you don't even know why: it's gone as it had come, in a twinkle.
But what happened is that she has simply learned more about you, and she's not interested in the true you. She liked a mirage.
🤝
A lot of truth to this. Women that obviously like me and I do not like them, I ignore the hell out of them. It changes nothing lol.
Doc, what you said is spot on. It's crazy how when we fall in love, we treat the person as this perfect being that completes our lives when in fact that's simply not true. Some people I've liked so much in the past, I look back and cringe like what was I thinking putting them on a pedestal 🤣.
Pretending you don't like someone feels like manipulation but it's the best if you want to gain the respect of the person.
everything you said was spot on up till the last sentences
Pretending you don’t like a girl / woman will work, not a man. Men take indifference as rejection
@@renaldsunset True, especially in the framework of present times.
@@renaldsunset exacly men take indifference as rejection because we assume the average girl has the power to choose over plenty of men, and we assume the girl is already talking to multiple guys who want them. if the girl is on a dating app this is surely a reality. i met a girl from tinder whom i did not find that atractive, I decided to ask her "how many guys message you per day?"she said she answered 17 guys on her instagram DMs just that day.. and she was far from being a 10 in my book...
@@David-ej1ps Ahaha thats exactly what i was thinking, how did he manage to get everything right to finally end up with a garbage conclusion?
When we like someone, we act stupid infront of them
Yes, exactly.
I agree, I go mute when I like someone, but I'm talkative and witty with people I'm not attracted too. 🙄
I used to be like this back in high school. Just put away fantasies, thoughts, genuine desire and focus on yourself instead. Strong feelings will subside in time. Let them come to you if they feel it and want more.
Right on griff.
Be yourself and accept life as it is.
Sometimes when you put someone on a pedestal they are uncomfortable as they are well aware they are not Prince or Princess Charming. It's as if you're misperceiving this flawed human being and they don't want to have to live up to your perception of them. I've experienced this personally when a man thought I was lovely, charming, sweet, smart, etc. As soon as I began to reveal my actual self, he recoiled in shock with the attitude I didn't know you were like that. Yes I am and I want the man who loves me to know the real me, not your idealized image that I can't possibly emulate!
@@stephanie7572 😂😂😅
liking someone is not akin to putting them on a pedestal. it is nothing more than liking them
Liking someone don't mean you put them on a pedestal. You try to show them what you can offer and what they get when they are in a relationship with you.
Some people are not yet healed from their trauma and they don't know how to take your acts. That's why they end up in disfunctional relationships - trauma bonding.
Yeah, people don’t want to be a necessity, they just want to be accepted. That’s why I think the “I could take it or leave it” attitude works. You aren’t making them an object nor a necessary part of your life.
Let's be honest, it is completely unrealistic to not just act but also feel indifferent towards someone you are in love with, because that is the very opposite of indifference.
However, you have to learn, to cope with rejection. If you don't fear the possibility of them not liking you back the stakes are not so high and you can act a little more normal.
I say it's entirely realistic. I feel like you're not being honest enough. If you were to be honest, you'd have to acknowledge that "in love" and "indifferent" are the kinds of words that can refer to wildly different scenarios. Most often being in love with a girl means being in love with your fantasy of that girl and not the kind of love where you help and expect nothing in return. And being "indifferent" often means "trying to keep resentment down". So you can ditch that, as a matter of fact you'll be better off ditching these fantasies and learning to manage expectations and let life pleasantly surprise you. From where I stand, I was often occasionally resentful in my living until I learned to willingly detach from _anything or anyone at all_ from time to time and have a life that is balanced enough where successes in some areas compensate for losses in others. As a matter of fact, I don't understand how I used to function at all before I learned to do this because now I feel like I'm the master of my life, and that none of my relationships, goals, properties and duties are the masters of me, I genuinely feel myself separate from them and don't let them intrude on my sense of self, which I treasure and nurture as a child. And when they do intrude and make me lose myself, and there's nothing I can do about it except cut, everyone knows I'll cut. But I'm not jumping the gun. So if, lets say, I like a girl and want to make her be with me, I still value my peace of mind over the girl... but I still want that girl. So I have some internal space to maneuver inside of and I can both get genuinely indifferent or flirtatious depending on whether I have enough energy to spare. And let me tell you, when people see that scary shit in your eyes, your authentic sardonic smile when they push on you, and learn that capacity in you to authentically detach and still stay strong, yet come back to them dutifully, warm and loving also... they don't take you for granted and tend to value and respect you so much more. But I remember my past also, I used to be servile, clingy and resentful about things and people, so I get that too.
Love comes way further down the line, like in an established long term relationship. When you see their annoying habits and ways but have patience with them. Lust on the other hand...
Indifference toward an individual only works if you are already a generally social toward everyone. If you are a man who’s generally asocial then failing to talk with your love interest as you fail to talk with anyone else will get you nowhere.
That’s not true. Cus they’ll see that and wonder why / try their hardest to get themselves on that level with you
@@jaysony8587 lmao cope
Treat me with indifference and rest assured I will return the "favor". The key is to be authentic. Attraction is merely a relative judgment of another's physical appearance. If there is mutual attraction, you will more than likely get to first base. But that's pretty much it. Beware of those who only like you for what you can do for them. They'll want everything and give you nothing.
Bottom line... People are idiots, and don't appreciate your positive attention, and we're probably as bad as they are. 🤣 How a psychologist gets up in the morning knowing how flawed is the human psyche, is beyond me.
Your right. Im an idiot and I understand that because of Rodney Norman
yet it's the flaws that give humans a chance at growth and development. Imagine how boring and predictable the world is if everyone thought and behaved perfectly.
@@metsrus That's a good point.
@@metsrus everyone should behave perfectly. As long they bring pleasure,its not boring. So many challenges in an imperfect world,and it brings 98 percent rejection and sadness or bitterness which is far worse than being bored.
@@metsrusthat wouldn’t be boring though, that would be paradise
You are so right ! Treat everyone the same and don’t try to be extra anything with the person you’re “ crazy” about
Depends of the direction of the wind. You can be crazy about someone untill you realize that is not worth it , that is a person which is delusional and live in other dimension than you do. Than the magic dissaper when you meet some sort of idiots
Treat their wives like they treat the poor person asking for some coins on the street.Not too much because they might use it for alcohol.
Any kind of relationship takes time to build. Patience is a virtue.
People seem to get more nervous around an individual they are attracted to, which can lead to different types of conduct and change of energy, that might not be in their favour. Especially men can have tendencies for putting on their utterly best behaviour to impress the other party (trying to be i.e. extra well-mannered/cool and have swag/funny and witty/doing special physical things to impress them etc.). It's all overdoing it: hence acting somewhat inauthentic and unrelaxed. Other people can have the overdoing-tendency in the opposite direction: acting "extra-indifferent" or even coldish, especially if they want to hide their feelings. The latter somewhat already apply your suggestion of "Be indifferent" but overdo it to such an extreme degree that it can be of disservice to them and make them appear in an unfavourable light as well. The key seems to be balance and remaining one's most authentic and natural self.
Well said
I'm one of these stoic type men you're referring to. I just personally don't prefer engaging in long shallow dialog with 80% of people. Now, I'll always strive to be cordial in public, but most women and most people in general simply aren't that interesting to me.
I'm often mistaken for being arrogant in my aloofness, but believe me, I certainly battle my own personal struggles.
Maybe 5% of people read my personality accurately and don't completely misjudge me haha
@@thaimuayshoo1171 you are one of these cringe men
The latter can even come from people that are actually desperate inside, and act cold to hide it because they know if they don't they will give off that repulsive vibe, some evn go as far as to reject before they get rejected
Yep. I’m great at pretending to ignore people who make my heart race
I have found from personal experience Theres little rhyme or reason to love and attraction. Either you're drawn to someone or not and vice versa. No amount of beauty, manipulation, games or YT tutorials will change that. But I believe in my heart of hearts that there IS someone for everyone. It took me 32 years to meet my husband but he is my best friend and soulmate. All the unrequited love and rejection I had to go thru to find him was worth it. So never give up and always accept and love yourself first!
I have a question. Did you just let things happen or did you look for love?
Well, that's true! Knew a guy who swore off women because he had a strong passion for pursuing his career, and he realized that hooking up would takeaway the time he needed to achieve his goals. So, he pretty much avoided any romantic engagements. His dealings with women were pleasant and business like -- hi and bye. But the misses came running after him in droves. His behavior toward them must have made him appear different from "all the other guys," and the girls must have found him intriguing, as a result. It’s important to know that the man who takes such an approach should be well put together, that is, attractive and authentically high-value. The downside is that when he eventually decides to pair bond, he'll have precious little understanding of what it takes to achieve success in the dating marketplace. Fact is, he'd be better off staying single.
Low IQ logic, they went after him coz he was good looking and they could see him going after his goals aka they could benefit from it. Women don't give an eff if a bum ignores them.
Attitude is important but more importantly is looks: a tall handsome man in career is a top-choice for women. A fatty, short bald man - despite having a successful career - is not (or he's being chased only by gold-diggers).
@@macrowolf7 You are right -- no doubt about it! But sadly, though, these handsome guys eventually still get dragged kicking and screaming into divorce court and receive "a dressing down" by a family court judge. Good looks make little difference in the end game. Once the damsel gets a few gorgeous kids out of you and legal access to your estate, you’re done, mister! His attractiveness to women, then, is really a welcome mat for his future ruination by his “gorgeous," future ex-wife in so many cases.
@jolly7728 I STRONGLY disagree with you. Dating more just make you better at... dating. It has nothing to due with marriage or pair bonding. The myth that dating more will make you better at marriage is just not true historically, logically, and empirically. Nowhere in the world and at no other time in history has dating and promiscuity been more liberal, common, and widespread as the modern Western world. And yet nowhere in the world and at no other time in history has marriage and pair bonding been at it's most dysfunctional and toxic as it is in the modern Western world. If dating more produced people who are better at marriages, relationships, and pair bonding, then we should have the lowest divorce rates and the most healthiest and fulfilling relationships of all time in the Western world right now. The obvious conclusion is instead of creating people who are better at pair bonding and relationships, it actually does the opposite: It creates broken people who are dysfunctional and thus leads to the current toxic marriage and dating culture we have right now. The evidence for this is overwhelming.
My own theory why dating and promiscuity culture is bad for pair bonding is that if a person starts dating a lot and becomes promiscuous they start forming self-identities and habits around this kind of lifestyle. It brings them joy and they spend much of their youth freely dating and having sex with many different people. Then all of a sudden they get married and are expected to become pious monks forever loyal to only one person? This is an obvious logical fallacy and an expectation of human nature that is both illogical, unrealistic, and destructive.
Again, people who get involved in dating and promiscuity culture only develop skills to get better at navigating the dating and promiscuity culture. Marriage and pair bonding is a rejection of dating and promiscuity culture, it's actually the opposite. This guy you speak of is probably much better at pair bonding and marriage than most people in the dating marketplace because he never developed all the bad habits it promotes and doesn't suffer from the emotional and psychological damage of this dating culture.
@@macrowolf7 I'm fatty, a midget and bald. I have no gold diggers running after me. What am I doing wrong? 🤣
Good points! In my experience, one of the key things for that is an "abundance mindset". You don't need to put down the person in your mind to be more 'indifferent', you can fully appreciate them. That mindset can come from the knowledge that you can (and probably will) meet other, equally attractive people in your life, should this with that one person not work out.
My history teaches me i won't. Everytime i fall for someone that hard it's genuinely because they are that much better then everyone i have ever met before, including the last one i felt that way about.
Dan bar I agree. The seeming indifference comes from knowing there are other people out there. It’s an appreciation of the other person, not a fawning.
"ABunDaNxE mIINDsET"
Only the privileged can have that attitude
I believe we tend to like people we subconsciously or even consciously feel are better then us and that person usually can feel that from you or just believe you not up to par so that’s why that dynamic exist.
good explanation , yes. Like this better feels "I can do better"
That’s really what it boils down to. When you show that you don’t care that much it signals “I can do better than you” and that makes the other person interested.
This is the most commonsense answer.thank you
Short answer, choose those that choose you.
but then they stop choosing you when you choose them back
That does simply not work when you have no attraction for the person who chooses you
yeah but... who goes first?
all this "gaming" - blech
@@eugenelam868 for real, every time
and be miserable?
Actually that indifference comes after many mistakes of rushing into the love feelings. You get so much heart break that you can’t take it no more and then you just don’t care. Because why? Because you can’t.
It's almost frighteningly accurate in its simplicity. It feels very counterintuitive but it's right on the mark
I’m starting to realize that a TON of things with regards to dating/relationships feel counterintuitive at first but turn out to be the very thing that is effective.
If you like someone who is with a friend, always act interested in the one your NOT interested in.
I only tried this once and have been married to the person( who i was really interested in)for 20 years now.
Total Jedi-mind trick!!!!
I once went with a girl for a time who seemed indifferent most of the time. Turned out she was an 'avoidant' somebody whose character stops them getting emotionally involved.
Was it worth it?
@@Malitubee no. It's never worth it.
@@Malitubeefuck no it’s not worth it. I was with an avoidant for six months. She finally opened up and told me she loved me and wanted to exclusively be with me. Five days later she calls and said she hooked up with someone else and that we shouldn’t hangout anymore. Fuckin women lol.
The problem is we take 'indifference' too far. It almost turns into ignoring them or negging them. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Maybe, alternatively, you might spill some hot coffee on her :), or inadvertently step on her foot in some hustle, and apologize lightly (or not at all - options vary). Then vanish back into indifference for a couple of months, while remaining visible. In this way, she'll notice your existence and may try to make you come out of your shell, out of curiosity.
On the other hand, she may have a boyfriend or even a husband somewhere, but if you stay away and don't ever talk, you'll not find out until too late, that all this play of indifference was a waste of time.
People don't like anxious attraction to new relationships because it is inauthentic. If you're really into someone you just met it's all about your needs and projections. Fill your bucket elsewhere with God, nature, or community or something- then you can approach potential partners with curiosity and openess.
Why doesn't your comment have multiple likes? You're absolutely spot-on. Some people/girls I met exemplified what you wrote towards me, and I myself exemplified what you wrote towards a couple people or so as well, in the past. Getting so hooked immediately on someone one recently met... now that I understand it, it's so clearly all about the interested party's needs, wants, interests, only, and it's all his/her projection onto the other person, which may have nothing to do at all with what the other person wants and who he/she is as an individual. With those people I had this bad experience with, I felt like they were asking me to give up my life, interests, wishes to fulfill THEIR needs and wants... when I didn't expect or demand or want anything from them at all (but allowed and wanted them to be free and whole). It can be so annoying, uggh! Everyone needs to wake up to this attitude/tendency so he/she can recognize this selfish, unfair, unjust attitude both in himself/herself (if so) and definitely in another person.
Honestly, Great observation. Thanks for sharing.
The way most women act so entitled nowadays, I'd much rather be minding my
own business instead of giving them undeserved attention which could end up
being misinterpreted as "creepy behavior" on a whim. I got no time for that mess
or drama.
I'm not trying to get "MeToo'ed" for nothing in this modern day hostile social climate.
As long as I have family, friends, my health, steady income and social hobbies, there
is no need to chase anything else. 💪
I agree 💯
They wanted their freedom from men and they now got it.
It'd be pretty hypocritical for women to go back on their
belief of not wanting men after after decades of screaming
how they want us gone.
I'm happy for women that they got what they wanted for so
long : independence from men. Now us men are also free &
we're all happy. Let's keep it that way and not go back to the
old way ever again. 😁
You just explained my problem with not just women I want, but people in general I want as potential friends.
Now that you know the problem, it will be super-easy to find a solution. :)
@@williammkydde Yeah
I have found because of past trauma I used to be very quiet and not able to be as friendly to the men I was attracted to. I had no idea how to be relational at all! Often they got offended at me bc they thought i was blowing them off or they just got bored. The ones I was not attracted to, I was friendly with and fun. No risk there. It just never worked. I really think it important to be able to be friendly, loving, and to be able to start up conversations. It’s good to be able to ask questions and show interest in them. But on the other hand to not get too intense, obsessive, and anxious. For someone with past abuse and trauma this is impossible with out some healing. For me, a relationship with Jesus Christ is healing me and setting me free in this area. Psychotherapy helped a bit too. So I think there is no need to play games…If a man is not interested in me just because he knows I am interested in him, then he is not available and is not a good person to date anyways. It is important not to put the one you like on a pedestal, to be able to be free to be yourself, and as a believer in Jesus to always put Him first, and to be able to be loving and kind. We just need to learn how to be their friend first and to know we ourselves are valuable and have a been created with a unique purpose in life.
Best relationship is when at first or second meeting both are enthusiastic about something they both share!!
has never happened to me
the best relationship is the one that's right for you. and believe it or not, that might be the one in which you suffer the most. and when you figure out your suffering, you understand yourself better in a fundamentally important way. and then more to the next relationship to learn something from.
all the while, loving them and yourself as hard as possible
@@ivor000 im not desperate enough to stay if i'm suffering.
@@Hellenicheavymetal
ah, but suffering has an incredibly important function:
it is the tension between the natural harmony of the pure soul and the outside world's trauma that has made you think you're all about your ego. and when you realize that all suffering is under your control, you are then poised to bring the your consciousness into sync with the harmony of your soul's pure existence, bringing this exquisite state of joy into your every waking moment
and if you didn't have suffering to tell you that you are not in sync with your soul, you would have no reason to return yourself to pureness
actively avoid suffering and you miss the opportunity to understand it, work on removing your narcissistic ego from how you understand yourself and world, all in the name of becoming that perfectly contented person you've always wanted to be, without the requirement that other people have to be involved in it
and when that happens, you become the conscious living manifestation of your pure self, ready to spread your joy and love to everyone and everything around you
and the world is now a better place than it was the day before
I noticed this phenomenon years and years ago. In fact, I have lamented the fact that people with whom I was attracted weren't attracted to me, and people with whom I wasn't attracted seemed to be all around me. The problem was that I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't think that there was anything I could do about it. So thank you for giving me a helpful suggestion.
When you have ADHD it can be difficult to control any emotion or feeling, you can end up outwardly showing signs without realizing it, so I can definitely relate to the idea behind this. It's true too though, that indifference will get you a lot farther than anything else, in fact looking back I probably ended up missing out on a number of opportunities in my past because of that, because I was probably focused on someone else that I couldn't have or some _thing_ else.
It's hard to hide one's true feelings for a long time; takes a lot of self-control even without ADHD. Now, you may win that person over by showing indifference. But if you like them sincerely(!), sooner or later it'll show, and this is when there's a risk that they'll lose interest in you. Not necessarily, but it may happen by the same logic as the one that made them like you in the first place.
You can't "play" indifferent all the time - unless you really ARE indifferent.
I don't like this constant necessity to play some game, but apparently, this is how it works most of the time.
If everyone did this, no one would ever get into relationships.
He is making us aware of something. Just don't be EXTRA interested in a person you like compared to the other one interested in you. Do not fall out of balance..
Not necessarily true. Someone has to lose and give in. The question is who and if they will.
In brief i have to run away and avoid at all cost people I like, only see them once or twice a year and stay alone. Thanks ✌️ 😂
"What works on people in general works on people in particular" genius and true.
Get on the like train eveyrbody!
Being indifferent to people whom we are attracted doesn't work long term as we can't fake for long. It's my personal opinion take or leave it 😊
Indifferent as in: Playing cool as if you don't like them? Or indifferent as in: The things you do in front of a crush that's not authentic?
I figure if you're nervous in front of them, I take that's pretty genuine. 🤷♀️
Many people have low self esteem despite how they might act, when you like them they psychology punish themselves and you, since they see themselves in a negative light, they subconsciously think there is something wrong with you for liking them, then they pull away and punish you. It's not you, alot of children in adult bodies who need a therapist!
I agree with the reason being that you treat them different, I disagree with the idea that it is a voluntary thing. I treat that person differently because I get nervious and self-conscious, not because I think I have to treat them differently, so I become less spontaneous because I judge every of my moves and interactions harshly.
I treat people whom I am not attracted to in a nicer manner than how I treat people whom I am attracted to. It's not a manipulation tactic to make the people I am attracted to feel jealous, because I do this privately too when no one is watching. That's because when I interact with people whom I am not attracted towards, then I am not expecting anything from them except a genuine interaction. And that's where I get to be truly myself as well because I don't feel like winning or losing.
i don't know, just expect nothing back from nobody, regardless how you feel about them?
doesn't that solve all your problems?
I wish the hell I knew this when I was in my 20's. It would have saved me a lot of pain. Thank you!
The men I like always see me as only a friend. Random old men who I am definitely not interested in are the only ones to want to have a relationship. I just want someone my age... 😢
Is there any chance there are men who are interested in you, yet you fail to notice that because you are not interested in them?
Speaking as someone who did not like someone who liked me... I think it's the pressure. I don't like being around someone who thinks my sh*t don't stink lol.. I don't like feeling like I have to live up to someone's expectations of me.
easy answer: aside from the usual incompatibility, we tend to really like people who are above our 'league', thats why A can be really attracted to B but not the other way around.. i guess the cold and dismissive interpersonal style signals that you are more valuable, so people who already like you a bit can get obsessed if you don't validate their romantic feelings, but there must be some initial attraction in the first place.
I agree. And I think our very sick society has determined that cold and impersonal are “desirable“, so all the kind hearted and human people are chasing the robots, when it should be the other way around.
Goes to prove incels were always right
It's so frustrating. The one time I liked a guy, and felt like he liked me back, we couldn't be together because of lifestyle and religious differences. That was the closest I got to mutual romance and I'm 25
I’d say that religion shouldn’t matter either but if this is a mutual decision then that’s fine.
I'm so confused because I don't remember writing this comment and I dont remember ever liking a guy. I think I have an alter-ego or something ahaha.
I am 70 now. My whole life, girls liked me but I did not like them, or, I liked them but they did not like me. Consequently I decided not to marry.
...And so she married you?
@@mrk19901 No. Multiple offers to marry, but I never found one that I wanted to marry. They used to say there is someone for everyone but I have found that not to be true.
@@mlester3001this is going to be my life unfortunately..
think you should clarify ~ this only really applies in the attraction stage, when your talking to someone not with them. even then idk.
once your in a relationship indifference from either side will ruin it. eventually the person will assume/accept you dont care, and leave. its not wrong to show affection.
Silence is deafening.
But I'm a firm believer that people like who they like regardless. Nothing you can do can change that.
True but you can do things to turn people on or off, if they are capable of going in that direction. if I like somebody, and I found out that they chose to rob a bank, I would probably experience a loss of feelings for them
This!!
Absolutely agree
You can't make someone like you, but you can make someone stop liking you by being needy and desperate.
@@chrisg5709 No you can't. If someone really likes you they won't care. I'm talking more behaviors like those hurtful to others.
I REALLY cannot get over how being a goof around someone you like in you teens or 20;s can still manifest itself when you are in your mid 50's...its like it NEVER goes away.
Don’t chase people, make them chase you. By increasing your value /worth , (educate yourself, buy a home, read books, go to gym, ), and they will come to you!
Focus on yourself (not them) and they will notice, that you have something precious, that they want!
best four minutes ever to remind me what I already know. it's definitely not easy. I don't want to make an effort to be indifferent to the people who are objects of my affection. I want to be kind, loving, and caring to those. it totally sucks how this can turn them off. I look for kindness towards me then reciprocate, while being indifferent to those indifferent. even if it works, I refuse to be deliberately unkind to my favorite people to be with my favorite people. you can imagine I don't have many friends this way. I do have enough though who know they're not my puppet and I'm not theirs 😎
Absolutely right !👍
Having eal friends is one of the very few priceless things in life. I can't imagine where I'd be had I not know certain people at certain times.
Exactly. When with women I am attracted to, I am trying too hard. I act in a less authentic way. I'm feel more insecure. The other side registers all of that.
The truth is , it all has to do with looks. If you are attractive, it doesn't matter how you treat the other person. If you are conversational with them, or basically ignore them, they will still want you. The women that a person is attracted to " but doesn't want you back" , they aren't physically attracted to you. There is multivariate analysis proving this.
if a guy i'm attracted to/interested in acts indifferent towards me, i lose that interest in 5 minutes. to me that's a sign he doesn't like me. same if he makes me feel jealous. instant turn off. i don't agree with this video at all. the whole point of "love" is because you found someone who is "better" than all the rest, not a take it or leave it. i don't want a guy who thinks i'm just one more in a line of women. no, thanks. affection means you're special to someone, not anybody.
My experience is that everyone is indifferent
It’s best to treat someone you’ve met and are attracted to exactly like you treat anyone else. Most people put up a facade when you first meet them and that facade takes months, or longer if they are experienced at hiding behind it, to come down. When the facade starts to come down, and it will, that’s when you’ll know if you really like that person, when you see the real them. Moral of the story, give it time when you meet someone for you won’t really know them for a while. I’ve not been in any relationship where this isn’t the case, that front is meant to attract and the real them is sometimes repulsive.
It is easy to not put a woman on a pedestal, worry about rejection or worry about losing a woman that is no good for you, when you know without a doubt that your needs will be met. Paying for box directly can be very empowering. Just remember to always wrap it up.
I think the important thing to do with those you are attracted to is this: make a pass early, fail or succeed early.
Do NOT build up an idealised model of them in your head. Do NOT devise a complex method of making them fall for you. Do NOT spend weeks or months sending out oh-so-very-near signals.
Instead, a simple, any-old-how pass will do. "fancy grabbing a coffee?" or something very basic like that.
If it works, then you've got in early without wasting any time.
If it fails, then you've found out early without wasting time yearning and building up false hope.
"Treat people with the same level respect with which they treat you" is a good motto in life - and very applicable here. When someone has not shown attraction - or kindness, or admiration, or generosity - then they have not EARNED the special adoration we foolishly dish out via infatuation.
And until someone has shown steadfastness and integrity in a relationship with you, they are not yet worthy of love.
This makes sense to me, because usually very attractive people get attention anywhere, so you by acting indifferent are doing something rare to them and they will in turn be more curious about you. It’s simple
This is an eye-opener. Looking back, whenever a woman was obsessed with me, I was indifferent to her, and vice versa.
Still… if you do like someone and want to make them feel it, it’s nice to be a bit warm. and not always indifferent. Only invest time and care into those who do the same for you, not just to be indifferent to everyone.. just a kind thought. This generation play too many games. If you like someone, its fine to let them know, and if they say no then you can move on fast, instead of game playing, pretending to be indifferent. Then at least by being transparent, you’ll find ‘the one’ faster. Not investing time or thought into anyone and being indifferent could just get you a string of useless links to people who also don’t care.
Exactly
The more invested you are in someone, the more uncomfortable it will make them feel.
Provide value (good feelings and vibes) when you’re with them; be indifferent, cool, slow to respond when you’re away
easier said than done...when i see her in person i dont know what to do with myself
Attraction varies with experience. When it's mutual, it's the product of coincidence, skill and intention.
i think that people who are indifferent are the worst human beings on earth. I am confident about this, trust me : i will never want to have someone who is indifferent. Indifference causes so many problems. Find a soul mate who has the same level of interest
This is 100% correct. It is how I live. You genuinely need to be indifferent. Neutral. Take it or leave it. Equal.
I don't particularly like anyone; but I am still civil to everyone.
I understand.i know tonyrome wasn't built in a day.
In my bar days, I would run across someone I had met through mutual friends at a party or something and I would say, "Hey! I know you. I met you at so&so's party." They would always act like they didn't remember me. I would then say, "Oh, it's ok. Well, you have fun. See ya." and proceed to walk away. Their amnesia would instantly disappear.
Your videos are life changing man, I thank you for your great service to the world! Stay blessed
Agreed. It just took a load off my shoulders, too, with a hottie that I'm pursuing.
Thanks for your support, Young King. People like you make the effort worthwhile. All the best.
I learned long long ago, like who you want, be who you are, say what you mean and mean what you say, be single-minded in achieving your goals, and life will be beautiful. If they don't like you back, you won't even notice! Always glean happiness out of every contact with those you like. They are usually polite, being American-mannered upbringings, so that's enough to enjoy their surface "friendship." If they invite you to things, great, if not, great. Be self-contained, is what I guess I'm saying. Make overtures to them sometimes and see how that goes. Play it by ear and don't stress about it either way. What would be the point? There's not a thing you could change anyway. Be happy, life goes by so fast, find the good and chase it as long as you can. Follow goals, not people.
"You love her, but she loves him, and he loves somebody else, you just can't win" J Geils Band. "We learned more from a three-minute record than we ever did in school" Springsteen.
In my experience, the people I like don't like me and the people that get on my nerves are the ones I literally can't escape from.
That's why I started to love machines and their working....it won't hate you back...the best thing is that love will get purer as you get more involved
Let's not forget about cats
This is the realest comment I have seen
2 issues with this: 1. I don't even attract people that I'm not attracted to so I have perspective on what works. 2. The act of approaching someone and risking rejection is so daunting that I literally need to be incredibly attracted to that person to make the reward worth the risk so to speak. Being indifferent towards everyone is such a perversion of this idea that I don't know if I could even train my brain to think that way.
But we really want our "target" in our lives, and being indifferent leaves the object of our desire up to chance, and the thought of losing that special chance with a special person forever scares us.
This shows that the person you like doesn’t like you. Because if someone likes me that intensely, I wouldn’t ignore them in a heartbeat. I would feel honoured.
If everybody applied this, and nobody showed any attraction or interest in anybody else, then nobody would know who is interested in them, and nobody would ask anybody out. Great strategy...for keeping people apart, forever, and for creating a world of incels and femcels.
I like this........sure, don't be afraid to put it out there that you Are attracted to them, or want to see them more......but then leave it in their hands to do with as they please.
Like you said.....people are gonna want what they want:)
I agree for the most part. I think it's fine to show a little interest and if there's no encouragement then indifference is the way to go. Be open to changes in the person's attitude toward you but don't press. I will say that I do remember a women who called me once and left a message, she was mad at me because we had had many conversations over the phone for months and I had never asked her out. Why? I can't really say - I was painfully shy and it's amazing that I could even talk to her in the first place. My point is though what she did was so memorable to me. I thought it took a little courage on her part and it was just such a pleasant surprise. I guess I've always considered myself fairly average looking and girl's/women routinely ignore me and it is completely what I expect. Those few moments of not being ignored and feeling like you matter, they are great moments. So, you have to balance it all out. It's life and it is not always easy.
But even the people I'm not attracted to are not pursuing me... actually no one has expressed interest in me ever.
Ha ha….yes very good point made here…..a sort of double negative bind. Surely someone, at some stage in life, has to relent and give a small human sign that this is a tiresome and dangerous game of permanent oneupmanship (and I don’t want to keep playing it.) Maybe the best solution is not to follow the ‘indifference’ advice here, but to allow yourself to be open to the possibility of warm human connection (but with it the possibility of mistakes and rejections)
Well, from my own personal experience, the best way to get anybody is to want nobody else but yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat your favorite child or favorite celebrity or something. If I were you, I'd talk to myself and about myself in 3rd person. Sounds crazy right? But it works! It really works.
Man when you arent physical attractive …., the things I would do to physically attractive like my life would be better ten times 10 fold