In my model on the balance of attraction, I note that -- since it isn't possible for two people to like each other exactly the same amount -- one person (the adorer) must like the other person more, and one person (the adored) must like the other person less. While these two positions are gender neutral, I make the argument in this episode that it is actually better for women to be in the position of the adorer. This is due to the fact that adorers experience the lion's share of emotionality in a relationship, and women tend to mate and date up (suggesting that they actually want to look up to a man). Social Media Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ruclips.net/channel/UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Sponsor an episode: oriontarabanpsyd.com/sponsor-an-episode #attraction #women #relationship
Women have no concept of honour. They won't stay loyal to you just because they gave their word and gave some invisible oath in their heads. That's a purely male phenomenon. It doesn't compute in their heads. Women's only value is towards their momentary emotions. What you provide them with. And how you make em feel about themselves and look to others for status.
Sadly the most effective tactic is to date women who like you more than you like them. That's how you get something kinda fulfilling and positive from the relationship as a man.
Excellent video, maybe the most important relationship video on RUclips, except now you have to make a video to teach men how to be content while being the adored
It's super easy as a man to attract a woman when you aren't truly interested in her, because you don't care what she does, so you're being more of your usual masculine self, so you effortlessly give her enough room for her feelings to grow. When a man is truly interested in a woman, or adores her, he has to actually exercise some self-control and self-respect, because he tends to treat the one he wants a little differently than the others by reaching out too often and by other little things when interacting with her. This causes her to lose attraction and it gets in the way of the growth of her romantic feelings, because he essentially acts more feminine than her. This is why it seems to us men that the ones we like don't like us, but the ones we don't like always like us. Its due to our behavior. So with a little self-control and self-respect and being conscious of vetting the woman and seeing if she is good for us and treating her the same as we would any other woman, we can indeed have the woman we adore while also being adored by her. It's possible. Adoration doesn't equal pedestalization. It just has us acting less than our authentic selves sometimes without realizing it if we are not careful.
I think that is true. It can be a little more complex than that. If you are still highly attractive in other ways to her, then the sort of "chasing" can almost seem endearing to some women if you do it well and with charm. Every woman is different in some ways. But yeah, generally speaking, I think that's correct. You do have to keep some self control and self respect, and monitor yourself because its so easy to put them on a pedestal, and most of the time doing that is no good. It's allways the ones you're not that bothered about that come to you lol.
I think love and hate are the same thing. You cannot hate someone or something if there was no love for it or them. And in order to love, you must have some hate to steer clear from. I know it sounds odd but hate and love are synonymous with each other. Indifference is neutral but is the opposite of both. If you didn’t care, then how can you love or hate ______?
@@alterego157indifference is non emotional. love and hate are the same and cannot be opposite because they are both rooted in the fact that they are: emotions. The opposite, then, to an emotion, is indifference, which is non emotional.
@@stevebusam2911 Yeah, and still may well pick up on that. But also she feels deprived of the best chance to show her honest self, weaknesses and all, otherwise.
I enjoy it until I don’t. Men can’t handle being adored. They take advantage of u or just get plain bored. Save the adoration for your side guy..but make sure the hubby loves you more 😂❤
Makes sense. Men provide security with protection, resources and masculine presence. Women balance this with affection/adoration, nesting and maternal nature with children. Men are supposed to provide more, women are supposed to adore more. This is the balance
I remember when I met my wife 43 years ago how she looked up to me, I wasn't really into her , but gave her a chance anyway, after getting to know her an realizing how smart , honest, and feminine she was , I knew we could work together, I knew after my first marriage that I needed a woman that I could walk away from if I had too. But she has never given me a reason to, we both know our places and it's worked well for both of us.
@@TheQueenIsWithin while your comment is true, you’re painting it in the most negative light. He clearly loves her and would not leave her. It sounds like he’s not even planning on leaving So then why worry?
Rock solid relationship advice. As a man raised in a modern western society, you don’t realize how difficult it is to let a woman adore you. You always feel the need to be the one to adore because that’s what you are taught. And modern women are starving to be with a man they can adore as opposed to be the princess all the time
Its programation dude, the soon you start being cognizant of these biases the soonee you will internalize how unnatural and foreign to you all these dynamics are. It takes time tho.
To Adore=to chase. Chasing is 100% of masculine energy. The more a man is masculine the more he will chase. The more a woman is masculine the more she will chase (being with a masculine woman means you are more Feminine) So, the more a woman is adored the more Feminine she is ( which is good for your masculinity) Pure logic and facts
@@primaveraverano1664 the entire premise your comment was based on is false. chasing is not masculine. You just think it is because our modern world has made it that way. It seems much more likely that throughout history women sought out alpha males rather than alpha males seek out the women. Do you think Genghis Kahn chased women? very doubtful
@@primaveraverano1664 you listened to the video, but yet managed to still go back to your default settings. He’s saying the whole chasing game produces bored wives and women being adorers is not sustainable….is that clear enough for?
As clichéd as it sounds, this is why men must work on themselves - they need to become an object of admiration. However, the difficulty with this is that now with women acing education and getting high flying careers it's become harder than ever for men to become something worthy of being adored.
Yes, it's mathematically impossible for most women now to find men way above their level. That's the reason why the men perceived to be at the top today have the entire female population going after them.
I don't know, there's a lot more to adore in a man than that. A man with his own mind, integrity, confidence and independence is endlessly sexy and adorable.
Relationships work best when you both do the things you need to for your partner. My wife's effort in the relationship and hard work for the family inspire me to work hard for her and the kids.
I agree with this about 92%. The remaining 8% would have been added if the speaker had acknowledged that balance is key with this. In reality we are better switching between adorer and adoree in cycles that depend largely on our maturity in life.
Traditional roles dictated that men provided more security in the form of protection and resources while women provided more emotion in the form of adoration. There's your balance. We have to let go of modern societal teachings and back to evolutionary psychology
There's a term for this, it's called a "switch." What the speaker is suggesting is that this dynamic can only be successful if the man is consistently displaying masculinity. That way when you do display adorer qualities, like buying her flowers, it doesn't turn her off.
@@ker_at6814 Men wrote poetry, music and did heroic things to conquer women, so we assumed that is unnatural to be at the receiving end and have a woman simp for us. However that is the best dynamic in a relationship.
This makes sense. Something he left out is the male need to be admired. I didn't realise how important that is until a few years into my marriage when that seemed to be absent.
What you're looking for is respect. If you weren't getting it it's because you never earn it. Women are very good at giving credit where its due. Try doing something admirable or kind for her
@@steph6109 I agree in general, but that is not the whole of it. A number of people, like marriage counsellors, have said that women switch off men more often after marriage than vice versa, especially after the kids come. I think there is something of a weakness in women in maintaining the connection with a husband. Men love women more than women love men. I was basically the same person before the marriage as after it. She was fine before but a few years in I was not taken into account in her thinking. It has been a difficult time getting some of that back. My wife is a good person, good mother, loyal, hard working, does housework, doesn't waste money. I am just pointing out what appeared to me to be a bait and switch, but is probably not contrived to be that. I don't think women are any better than men at recognising where credit is due. They are quite capable of totally taking people for granted, just as men are.
It’s strange, in my ex relationship I did admire him so much. I was obsessed with him. He was emotional about me as well and quite possessive. However, I think objectively I was the more attractive one (12 years younger, and a lot of people find me attractive, him not that much physically). He also didn’t have a lot of money. But he was an artist and I liked his character a lot, he was interesting. Anyway, I adored him more than the other way around I think. Unfortunately, he still left me. He didn’t want marriage in general also, a lifelong relationship yes but not a marriage. I think it doesn’t work to be the adored one for men who have attachment issues. Maybe for him, he needs to adore someone and she needs to be a bit unavailable…
@@Marivi247 Thanks for your story. Yes, I think he had issues with commitment. I didn't. I don't have trauma, I came from an intact family. My wife is the same. Of course, too much admiration from the women could lead the man to think he has better options. There is no one factor that explains everything, but to generalise, far more women file for divorce, and the most common reason is "lack of commitment". I think women generally feel they are settling today. I think their standards have been artificially raised, and they fail to appreciate good men.
@@Marivi247 Why do you think he have attachment issues ? Your comment kinda spoke to me cause i felt the same as the person you described. Why do you think we have attachment issues just because we don't like/need/want mariage ?
This is revolutionary. This is the alpha dynamic explained in the simplest way. You literally pinned it down to ‘you either do this to keep the woman you want or do this to lose her’. Thank you for this.
Having lived for 5 decades and all kinds of relationship issues, the topic of Hypergamy is one of the key things I see causing male/female problems. Thanks Doc for helping us understand this better.
@@eladbari agreed, but what doc is saying is you need to get an uglier woman then you are a man. You need to be the star in the relationship , Yet we are visual creatures...so its a bitter pill to swallow thats better for you. At least in this way you can focus on your lifes mission instead of capitulating and maintaining her attraction to you. Thats a drainer.
I don't think it's a problem, it's the natural evolutionary female mating strategy. It's the same for all mostly all mammals, and has been the same for us for hundreds of thousands of years. The problem is the weakening and feminisation of men in our current society. It's been planned, it's all intentional and horrible. But so many men are waking up nowadays and it gives me hope for the world.
Yes, it feels good if a man is in love with us, but it feels incredible to feel deeply, passionately, crazy in love ourselves. That high is truly the state that we're looking for, and if a man can inspire this in us we'll move heaven and earth to sustain the relationship.
Women have no concept of honour. They won't stay loyal to you just because they gave their word and gave some invisible oath in their heads. That's a purely male phenomenon. It doesn't compute in their heads. Women's only value is towards their momentary emotions. What you provide them with. And how you make em feel about themselves and look to others for status. If those are on point. If the mystery and boundaries are maintened, she can enthusiastically follow your league. Of course all that if she finds you physically HOT first 😜
I understand the fear men feel that a woman who isn't invested in a relationship can destroy their life, but asking for an "adorer" and a woman looking for that emotional high is really a devil's bargain. Those women are almost always more unstable and have self confidence issues. She will probably get bored eventually since infatuation always runs out. Worst case, she might find her self respect and realize she wasn't that in to you to begin with. That is a rude awakening - the whole thing will fall apart. People looking for "emotional highs" are almost always looking for something outside of themselves to distract from an emptiness inside, and that usually makes its way into the light eventually. Leads to misunderstanding and combustive episodes.
Very well articulated 👍👍 I was a couple of times the adorer- woman and I confirm your statement. The more Feminine and knowing my value as a woman I became, the faster I forgot how to chase a man and the sooner I became the adored & chased one. Chasing is a 100% masculine trait
@@primaveraverano1664 i don't buy that. it just sounds like an elaborate way to say "the guys I want are too unattainable for me and i settled by giving a chance to one of the guys in my friendzone".
all women are unstable and have self-esteem issues. It is just a matter of degree. Also all women are vacuous thrill seekers. It is in the design. Also women never find their self-respect, because they don't have any. what women have is pride and the desire to control outcomes.
Another reason this dynamic works better (something you've discussed in previous videos): men are innately more dutiful. If the adored is not dutiful, you have a recipe for disaster.
I agree that the adored must be more dutiful but I would argue that women are the more dutiful if the two. Men can be bound strongly by their lust but that's different to being dutiful. If we look at both genders characteristics outside of romantic relationships I do not think your claim stands
@@steph6109 the essence of love is sacrifice. Last I checked men sacrifice much more to be with a woman than the opposite. Don't try to "level" the field. "Typical" relationships are heavily tilted towards women.
I've had two relationships, one where I was the adorer and one where I was the adored. It definitely felt a lot better to be the one being chased after rather than doing the chasing (during the relationship itself). Nowadays I take pride in being a leader in my life, rather than the follower I used to be while growing up.
I also prefer to be adored. Funny that he says most of us prefer to be the adorer, I just feel feminine being the adorer regardless of it feeling good. Just doesn't feel quite as good as being adored though.
I believe that the roles can switch fluidly when they need to. Everyone wants to be adored and to be the adorer also. I think finding someone that can happily trade these two roles with is worth the effort. Lest you find your relationship to be lacking and find yourself asking a lot of questions. Believing something so black and white can be harmful as well. Pro tip, understand yourself first before trying to understand someone else. In other words, know what you want/need and know the difference of wants and needs. I encourage this of both genders. Too many people nowadays don’t know what they even really want and enter a relationship blind and end up hurting the other person because everyone’s idea of something important could be very unimportant to the other party. The key is to understand that it is a relationship. Therefore more than just you are involved and you are choosing to involve another person into your life and space. I have made this mistake and hurt people I cared about and I have also been hurt. Date yourself first before dating someone else and have boundaries and stick to them. Stand on what you say and what you need. The rest will work itself out as long as both parties are willing to work on themselves while also working on your relationship.
This is absolutely true. The problem is that women only find about 1 in 5 men physically attractive. Also, single and childless women in America make an average of 9k a year more than single and childless men. If you're a good looking man with a good job, then life is great. But if you're an average looking man, with an average job and predictable and average personality, then it's unlikely he will find a woman who adores him. The majority of men will remain single. And the majority of women will have to choose between remaining single or settling for a man that she's not really attracted to.
You know whats really unnatractive? A person who doesnt enjoy life. Enjoy your life even when your single, enjoy your work, enjoy food and drink. You cant take that from people. You can have a poor have working man who enjoys life and you can have a instagram 10/10 model whos completely miserable.
Lol go to other countries. Of course vet properly but the women out there treat you much better. This country is filled with individualist,capitalism and feminism which fuels narcissism. It is extremely rare to find a quality partner in America. Now also make sure you’re quality so you don’t bring the bad habits learned from this country to other cultures
@@keylanoslokj1806 The problem is nothing to do with "hypergamy and women entering the workforce", the problem is men being too weak/useless and failing to raise their game accordingly.
@@js9273 nuh classic victim blaming. That's horse shit.. because a few psychopathic trillionaires and billionaires decided to rule the world through capitalism and now even in countries like Canada, people can't afford groceries, doesn't mean we have to adapt. We have to get rid of our tyrants. You can't breathe in a suffocating chamber. You need to be outside in the open air. If you want to be a hamster in their rat race good for you. It's nothing to brag about. Even if you "win", you lose
Agreed 100%. This aligns with my own life experience. Man who is adored can have a relationship with an adoring woman as long as he wishes to. Women who are adored are usually bored, treat the man as less valuable than her, do not fully respect the man, and will either leave or cheat. Latter scenario is a bad deal for the man. Sacrifice of being the adored is worth it. You are bang on, sir.
Great video. Really like the adored/adorer breakdown, but it's getting harder for this balance to exist in the current environment with the tendency towards casual sex and polygamy. Mens' hookup standards are lower than their relationship standards, so men who women view as 9s and 10s are casually hooking up with (but not committing to) women that are closer to 8s, 7s, and even 6s. These women then conflate their hookup value with their relationship value (a 7 sees herself as a 9, or at least thinks she deserves a 9). In the past, a woman that was a 6 or 7 could adore a 7 or 8. Now, she has so much sexual experience with upper tier men, it would take a 9 or 10 to inspire adoration.
Well said, sir. Oh, in one study women view 80% of men to be average or below average in looks, while the amount of men they considered to be a "10" was precisely zero. 🙄 That means they really do think they deserve a guy who actually is a 9 or 10, which is less than 5% of males. Interestingly, the same study found that 94% of women rate their selves as being above average. Hard to believe, really, but it explains much.
@@maxjohnson1758 men's standards have been forcibly lowered if anything just to get the Access. in my experience and observation there is little to no value in commitment to a woman long-term due to societal expectations on men being higher than ever while basically giving women a pass on any real accountability. The longer you stay in relationship the less return you get on it and often disrespect of all kinds increases exponentially as well. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of culture to keep women virtuous wholesome and decent. This is really where a society either rises or falls
@@maxjohnson1758 Isn't it funny that those exact same women then complain about "What happened to all the good men?" Those "good men" often are already married with kids. So, they aren't interested in you anymore. Or the alternative are guys who have sworn off women. Who again aren't interested in you anymore. So, she might be aiming for that 5%, while in reality there is probably less than 1% who actually are still available for a relationship with her.
I think a good relationship should be a balance of being the adored and being the adorer. If it's always one person being the adored and the other being the adorer, the imbalance will eventually collapse the relationship. I don't believe though that if I am the adorer and my partner is the adored my love for them is more than their love for me, his love is coming from a different place as is mine. If he loved me less when I am being the adorer I would not want to be the adorer for fear of losing his love.
My wife has been the adoring me for 45 years, I made it my duty, to meet her expectations, I make the big decisions, she makes the small ones, it has worked very well for us
It will. I'm the person who adores, but my husband does not adore me at all. After I gave birth he said he wanted a divorce…. So yeah. The husband has to adore you as well. I really admired him, was attracted to him and respected him, but I found out the hard way that he didn't feel the same.
@@anneshirley9560 i am so so sorry to hear that hun. when gd closes the door to a person who you might be putting at the centre of your world, that person is always removed from your life until you learn to centre your world around god. i ahv seen this with a a lot of people. Did he ateleast give a reason for the divorce?
The dynamics of a relationship where the man is the adorer are generally bad. The woman wants to feel like she got the best deal possible, if instead the man feels that way then the woman will always feel like she could have done better. Even if you really like the woman as a man, you shouldn't make it too obvious to avoid this.
Yeah usually happens to guys with oneitis. Very unhealthy to make your whole life about one person for either males or females. Especially if the way you see them is still only a projection of who you think they are and not reality. One of those things that's easier to say and hard to do I acknowledge but no less true regardless
Sadly the most effective tactic is to date women who like you more than you like them. That's how you get something kinda fulfilling and positive from the relationship as a man.
My philosophy is to be captain of my ship. She can be my first mate, join my life journey, never co captain. If she doesn't want to come along for the ride, drop her off.
@@pugilist102 Of course, don't maroon her unless she deserves it due to egregious behavior like cheating, but yeah, leave her at the next convenient port of call.
If this works for some couples, all the power to them. But from my personal experience, the healthiest and most lasting relationships I've seen are the ones were the man likes the woman more. I have seen so many women adore and put their husbands and boyfriends on a pedestal while they take them for granted / don't respect them / leave them. I think men like having a woman they see as a prize, someone they have to work hard for and invest into; otherwise, they are easy to get bored and leave. I just wanted to add this in case you have been the adorer before and it led to heartbreak, go for a man that adores you instead. You deserve it.
Just because someone looks up to me (for whatever personal reasons/values they have) does not preclude me from looking up to them in return for whatever personal reasons and values that I have. Mutual admiration may be rare. I am very grateful to have a partner that cherishes me just as wholly as I cherish them. We bring very different assets to the relationship. Luckily, we share the same values, thus creating a sturdy foundation.
I find this concept of either being the admirer or the admired a bit like believing that in a conflict: someone is right and the other is wrong. At the beginning of our relationship, we found ourselves in many random disagreements. Upon delving into them and doing a bit of research, we frequently found ourselves coming to the same conclusion: we were both right, about different aspects. I am so grateful for this pattern appearing in our life. I believe it broadened our perspective and helped us see the importance of humility and curiosity. If you see things different than I, I should very much like to better understand where you are coming from, even if only so that I may attain a greater understanding myself, regardless of who is "right" or "more right."
I’ve been on all sides of this. I never liked being adored because it makes you feel like you owe the person something and they may feel that way too. However, adoring someone else is more safe and comfortable. It’s like a reason to live and gives you a lust for life to be in the presence of someone you adore. I would say relationships seem to lack the most love and sexual passion without a man being adored. Men and women need adoration in different ways for different reasons. Balance is the best period.
Profound. This dichotomy appears to suggest that in mate selection, a man is better advised to couple with a woman slightly below the man's status (social, economic, charisma). He thereby surrenders the pursuit of the "super-model sex object" that he would adore. Challenging. Your message resonates well with Aly Drummond's (RealFemSapien) insistence that most women do not get the man they want. Instead, they accept the adored status in a relationship.
@@chrishnah - Agreed. Men are quick to point out that hypergamy has 80% of the women chasing 2% of the men. Yet, because men are visually attracted/stimulated, 80% of men are chasing 10% of the women. It's not much different.
@@christopherlarsen7788 I truly believe that with men it does not come down to looks. It's more his competence, it's really attractive when he is meticulous about aspects of his work and he has a capacity to protect. I think if men have those things they are attractive no matter what.
@@chrishnah - I appreciate your input. Through my personal experiences over many years, women have repeatedly stated that a man's charisma (strength of character + fashion sense) are the single greatest attractions for a woman. But I agree with you that more and more it is becoming apparent that a man's career drive - particularly when mission focused - is a significant factor of a man's attractiveness for women. These attributes of men's attractiveness can be, frankly, chalked up to hypergamy. I don't view the term hypergamy as an inherently damaging phenomenon. When viewed within the broader context of human survival and advancement, hypergamy has remarkable benefits to the human species. Yes, there is a dark side to hypergamy, and it is easy to see examples of women's unethical behavior. But overall, women pursuing men who can "provide and protect" is a healthy thing. Likewise, men pursuing physically attractive women is every bit as healthy for the human species. "Young attractive" women are not only more likely to survive childbearing to become nurturing parents, but they are also more likely to produce healthier children! Nature plus nurture is a win-win outcome. But again, there is a dark side to this phenomenon. Porn industries, Hollywood, product advertising, and social pressures hold a near-monopoly on the definition of attractiveness. These industries leverage attractiveness as a profitable commodity. Men need to take charge, and define attractiveness for their selves. I believe this produces greater satisfaction and happiness for men.
Yeah smart average men been marrying women that see them as their best option since time immemorial. When she is lukewarm about you, it's a hellish ride of a relationship. Women don't wanna date their inferiors for long and they can never respect them and give them their all
I am 65 and when I was 23 I married a woman that I adored, BIG MISTAKE. It was a terrible marriage. 20 years after my divorce I found out she has settled . She had liked another man better than me. Bad bad divorced , boy did she hate my guts. So I think what you say it's true. Thanks for the clear explanation.
Well it's not just their power hunger and hybristophilia. Maybe the specific woman was extra pathological due to rough parenting etc. So she wanted only partners who confirmed her preconceived self image
@@keylanoslokj1806 Well I did try for 5 years to have as go to marriage counselling but she would not have it. The big problem for men at least is that the way the family law is structured , there is no consequence for women behaving badly.
I am the adorer to my husband and was throughout our relationship before we got married. I enjoy making and seeing him happy, cannot explain the fulfillment there is in it and having him return his love back. There is the old saying that I heard growing up that many woman hear from friends and family, to find someone that loves you more than you love them. It’s not that one doesn’t meet men who have potential to have that role, but I knew before I met him that I wanted someone who didn’t put anyone on a pedestal blindly and would be genuine and have self control in their feelings and judgement. I don’t believe or feel that my husband loves me less than I love him, he’s more reserved with his love and I’m definitely more outgoing in expressing my love and attraction to him. As a balance he returns his love steadily in very meaningful ways that only he thinks of❤️
I adore out of neediness. It’s selfish and it sabotages my relationships. I understand the “sacrifice” frame but really, it doesn’t really fit in my situation. I just need to focus on my own happiness. I really appreciated this video.
“How to be the adored when at heart you’re the adorer” would be an amazing video. I struggle with finding the balance between being “too nice” and “too cold”
Become a person worth adoring. If you self improve, looks physique job the way you dress etc, girls will adore you more than you adore them. The key is not to stop adoring, it's to become the man that she is crazy about. Then you both like each other but she likes you *more*
In all my long lasting relationships, the women adored me... except at the end of course. And the last two, it did switch once I loved them back too. Then they gradually lost attraction for me, and NOW all my bad traits came to be too much, all the bad stuff (and I sure did some early on) became unbearable to them - yet they could easily overcome that in the "adoring" phase. Which is crazy to me: we men tend to take much much longer to love, but when we do, it's strong and real, yet instead of making it a stronger relationship, it tends to be the start of the end! I'm starting to think that in the past, relationships lasted only because of social pressure.
Nah, it's because there are three stages of love. In the first stage you find each other attractive. That's when you start dating and are getting to know each other. In the second stage you idealize each other, and start to accept some stuff you actually might dislike. Like if you never take out the trash and that bothers her, she will be more tolerant of your behavior in this phase. And in the last stage you accept them for who they are. If you can't, that's when the relationship ends. That's when you not taking out the trash for example starts to bother her. Because then she realizes that you'll never change. That's when the "bad stuff" becomes unbearable to them. While it was bearable in the second stage, when they were idealizing you as someone you are not. This is also why women like bad boys so much. They think they can change him. They can't. And miserably fail at that. And that leads to them breaking up. But it's fun for them while it lasts. Or if they succeed, they get bored with him. I also think that it often has to do with how mature a woman is. If she's still chasing bad boys, it feels like she hasn't outgrown her teenage phase. I wouldn't want someone like that to be the mother of my children.
@@elchucapablas Simply never prioritize. You should be her priority. You're goals should be your priority. Simply make her second, and she will like you more.
@odin gave his eye to acquire knowledge I think I agree with you. It’s a balancing act and it seems the grind never stops even after you got her I do like the idea of spoiling her every once in a while
I hope one of the big red pill channels picks up on your work/channel. Your channel is dropping so many facts but from a PhD psych perspective. I have been through a marriage and divorce, and I 100% agree that if the wives get bored the relationship is dead as she is no longer feeling anything. I also 100% agree that the wife should be the adorer but this is hard to achieve in reality because men have been brainwashed into the adorer role by Hollywood, TV, media, etc. Also, to be the adored, you can't be lazy, you need to be someone worth adoring. Men should really put more effort into being adored (rather than adoring). Your work could actually save so many marriages.
This is something I learned hardway. However I only realized it after I gained loads of skills and talent which made women adore me. It's world of difference in relationship and quality of it when woman adores her partner.
A simple way to put it is that women Date UP, and men Date DOWN. When things don't go this way, the relationship doesn't last, or the woman is always looking for a better man. When she finds him, she's GONE. Women want their superior, a man who is taller, stronger, funnier, smarter, wealthier, higher status, etc.
Same here girl I’m am with an alpha male who is the adorer in our relationship. Being the adorer male doesn’t make you feminine. Men who expect you to fawn all over them and treat them as the prize of the relationship is FEMININE. By definition you want to be the female in the relationship. Huh no wonder no woman want you guys 🤔
This is so true! I’ve been married to my husband for 33 years and he has adored me for all of those years. I would much rather adore him, I don’t like how it feels to be fawned over all the time
@Jenny Wight You'd miss it if you lost it. Trust me! You've gone nose blind to something good. Next time he adores you, simply adore him back on the spot so he knows you appreciate him. This video has some good insights, but I think it's based on a mostly modern flawed foundation: Emotional experience is the key to marriages. For me Emotional Experience is the dessert. The main course is to truly love the person for the person, and not JUST the EMOTIONAL experience YOU get from it. When you can do that, then you know what love is.
The man could absolutely adore the woman all day back in the day. That’s what it was all about. The woman and the man adored each other and respected each other. Times have changed. The woman is absolutely taught they don’t need the man. Marriage was respected. People actually stayed together. The clothes woman wear today are so revealing that they honestly never leave the market. That really is nature. You can say what you want I really do feel God and the true belief of being committed to one person is gone. The internet gives woman so much more attention and power. They never really care to be completely committed being adored or the adorer. Times have changed. That’s what this video doesn’t really understand.
Up until very recently, I dated a woman who was older than me, higher earning and beautiful; I was obviously the adorer. Once she got bored of me, she dumped me without even saying good bye. Lesson learned. Thank you for the video.
Excellent point. You really notice this if (as a man) you start off as the adored but gradually feel you are making too little effort and try and redress the balance. You rapidly see the attraction too you drop. If you just remain comfortable in the status of her being the adorer the relationship is much smoother. But it is something that xsn feel like you are being unreasonable by doing.
We have a tendemcy to reciprocate. It's in our nature to be more "reasonable". The issue is that women are not bound by the same inclinations of principle as us.
I was in this exact situation. I dated a woman who was really into me but then I felt like I could do better and was not investing in the relationship as much as I should. I ended it saying she deserved someone who matched her energy. We didn’t align on core values so life would’ve been difficult with her.
Damn, this is gold. I'd be curious to hear how you might include attachment theory in to your perspectives. On a first pass generality I would imagine that an avoidant leaning attacher will always end up in the adored role, as anxious leaning folks will be most at home as the adorer, fearful-avoidant/disorganized folks will swing back and forth in response to the other, and secure people won't be interested in playing any of these games.
I didn't get the message until you said "my dude." But in all seriousness, this is life-changing knowledge more people should know. They say, marry the person that loves you over the person you love.
100% correct. Hypergamy is real. It's also consistent with biology. If women occupy a relative "higher value," however value is defined, the woman will become indifferent and believe she can do better, which means she's looking around for an opportunity to Trade Up. Happens all the time. Great video.
Its not even a theory - just ask any man on dating app what kind of women find him attractive vs the kind of women he finds attractive. The ones that like you are always 1,2 points lower on the sexual market place than you. If you want to date 7s you must be an 8 and above. And its not just looks ofc.
Dating apps primarily focus on looks to begin with. Especially apps like Tinder are PURELY based on looks. Seriously no one bothers to read those bios. Unless maybe it's a match.
but they rarely marry .. when marrying , its reversed and guys family look for best bride. which is why guys bail now a days when marrying. dating is for smashing and mainly supply and demand. since women is shamed for number of partners, they have to choose wisely?
This sounded depressing as hell. Why can’t we swap the roles? I would adore my wife at small moments when she evokes it in me and she does the same at her own leisure. Both parties have to have the self-esteem to not accept a relationship in which they don’t adore AND aren’t adored every once in a while.
My lady brings me flowers every week. It's true, and it's hard to hold back and not adore equally. I let her adore me because that's what she loves to do.
As a woman, I agree with this video. On the other hand, it also feels like a lose/lose situation. One partner is settling and the other partner never feels 100% secure. I don’t know what the solution is.
My recent relationship that has ended a week ago is a living proof for your words. The moment I became the adorer instead of the adored like it was in the beginning - it was over. Agreed completely!
This is an excellent breakdown! From the RP community this would be "Men lead, Women follow" dynamic. Males who fall into the fawning/simping/fan dynamic would be the adorers, if I understand your take correctly. I hope this finds those less favorable of the RP community so they may come to understand RP, even if they still disagree.
Many thanks for this video. It kinda confirm my current situation is a good situation, even tho a bit unusual and somewhat new, but I still love it. I've tried both sides and there's litterally a different and nurturing dynamic when the lady is the adorer as opposed to the adored. And often when I was the adorer it would turn that I would be with women that are either emotionally unavailable or not as emotionally invested as I was. When the lady she's in a place of adorer, this is when the magic begins and where she can and will do wonders; not only do wonders but when giving back to she will appreciate and be already in a good place to receive as well.
This is so true. I had rejected many men’s offers. Just because of the fact that they find me more attractive. BUT i am not attracted to them in anyway shape or form! I don’t care about how you think of me. I am very attractive and i know i can get whatever and whoever i want. BUT i don’t want just ANYONE! I want “THE ONE”!
Couldn’t it be, and in the most happiest relationships wouldn’t it be, that both adore each other in their own way, and there’s not hierarchy about it but some sort of ”not maybe absolute, but relative balance”, meaning that the other adores the other in his/hers nice qualities, and vice versa? And the qualities are relatively balanced, or at least the respect and adoration is? Hierarchy doesn’t sound healthy in the long term. Woman can ”choose from higher status” on average, but in the end adore the man how responsible, kind and hard working he is, while the man can adore the woman how sweet, kind and hard working at home she is. The woman can adore how the man fixed the sink, the man how the woman made such a nice meal. The woman can adore how the man handled the difficult salesman, the man how the woman handled the neighbors kids etc. The woman adores the logical intelligence of the man, the man adores the emotional intelligence of the woman. Both adore, both are adored. Thinking it cannot be balanced sounds too mental, too mathematical. While the relationships which really last long might be few these days, I’m sure the sincerely happy couples say they both adore the other equally. Or maybe it’s mostly that the (gentle)man will express the adoration aloud, but he knows the woman also feels adoration, and it can be seen from both of their smile :)
I've also definitely left relationships for not being valued and adored enough. I think there is a balance you need to have. No one wants to be overly adored and smothered, but also not made to feel like they don't matter to their partner.
On one hand, you make a good point. On the other hand, a man will never put a lot of effort into a girl he doesn't adore, that's just a fact. It will only go downhill from there. Either he'll start cheating or he'll simply leave her. If she's ok with him porking other women, then maybe it'll work out, I don't know.
I'm the adored in our relationship and often feel the weight of that responsibility. Thanks making me realize it's not necessarily self centredness that at the root.
I think both ppl should play both parts. You both can be both. Sometimes at the same time, sometimes switching…Relationships get boring when everyone stays the same. Blessings! 💎
This is one of the best and simplest descriptions I’ve seen on this topic. My ex ADORED me and I liked her pretty good. I remember saying to myself, damn I wish I could feel that way about somebody… 😂😂😂 Thanks for sharing this my dude! 💯💯💯
Solid stuff doc, thank you for explaining your theory: balance of attraction, I think this is imperative for men to understand so we can make better decisions in our relationships. Understanding the dynamics at play in these situations enable us to have better experiences if we apply them correctly. I would like to thank you for sharing your obvious love and passion for psychology with the world 🙏🏽
This is interesting because I often thought about this myself. Woman here. I often thought about how relationships may be failing because there isn't any balance. We have men who are literally begging at the woman's feet, answering to all her demands, considering her feelings and providing a lifesytle(that is money/house) without little effort on the woman's part(this is not all realtionships but generally speaking). Because the man is putting in so much effort it almost proves to me why women in the past often had to put in a lot of effort to keep the relationship going because men were always willing to give because of their natural adoration for women and women had to give something also so the man wouldn't be constantly running after her to keep her satisfied which drains him. I am not completely sure about this idea but I do know there isn't equilibrium in relationships today.
This guy is totally right. Believe me, guys, just try. Don't chase any woman for at least two months. Just focus on your career, your studies, your work. Get better at it. Work out, read, listen to music. Be nice to the people around you. Help a friend. Try to dress well, get a haircut. Make a plan for your vacations. Set yourself some minor goals, it doesn't have to be anything fancy. You don't need to be rich. Women can smell that independence, I really don't know how, but they just know you are not needy and they love that. They start feeling a genuine interest in you, writing you messages first, asking how you are doing, etc. Which is good, because you have so many things to talk about, since there's so much going on in your life. Believe me, it works like a charm.
This was an eye-opening video, Orion. Really unique way of presenting the topic. I've never heard anything using terms like "adorer" and "adored" before when talking about relationship dynamics. I agree... Much better for both people in the relationship if the woman is the adorer. Keep the good presentations coming!
Whilst this is all true, the main problem for guys I think is that if you don't adore the girl you're with it's barely worth jumping through the hoops required to start and maintain a relationship. Men are still expected ask out, plan a date/travel etc, pay, offer entertainment and flattering words etc. If you're meh about the girl it just isn't worth the hassle....but if you adore her the relationship is probably doomed.
the man Im with now...didnt do any of that crap. we went dutch in the beginning. he came to like me a lot over time and now doesn't mind spoiling me but I Earned It
This makes a lot of sense. I always wondered why it's so important for me to "look up" to a man I'm attracted to. I want him to be better than me; more worldly, higher earning, more knowledgeable, etc. It's not sexy if we're equals. I know this isn't a very PC thing to admit but it's how I truly feel. Guess I have a healthy drive to be an adorer!😍
@@Dreweybaby I think it's more than just societal reasons that this goes unacknowledged. At the end of the day, it IS kind of embarrassing. I mean you're basically having to honestly self-reflect and accept that you're asking for more in your partner than you're offering yourself. Yes, it might make for better harmony within a relationship but it also means you're having to humble yourself, and reject all of the self-serving validational nonsense that panders to vvomen. I think you underestimate how much vvomen want to live in a fantasy land OUTSIDE of relationships. It's every bit as strong as how much they want to live in a fantasy world inside of them. At the end of the day, they want to believe the popular narrative whereby they're constantly applauded and hyped for doing nothing. They're hugely ego invested in that. That becomes untenable if you've basically accepted you're the 'lesser' contributor to a relationship however.
100% Agree. I've always been attracted to older men for all the reasons you listed but never understood why psychologically until this video. Though it's been my experience in serious relationships that the adorer and adored roles switched depending on the situations we went through together in life.
You're right. It's quite rare to see a woman marry a guy that's shorter than him, earns less than him etc. So, in a sense equality might be good for society, but it isn't for relationships. lol
This was super insightful... I'm kinda getting emotional and I always do so I love being the adorer. I literally felt the wheels turning like "ohhh... I'm doing it wrong" and I have images in my mind of times I drove women away BY being the adorer. I'll have to try this out tomorrow.
This makes a lot of sense. I think women also want to feel adored and cherished, but it’s good in the balance if she is the *more* adoring partner vs the “only” one). I’ve been with men who I completely adored and treated me like shit, and this doesn’t work either.
I think there's some truth here. I'm 30 and I've been both adored and the adorer. The woman I adored, after some time I understood she was the wrong woman. Because I was unable to see her defects, I put her on a pedestal and made her the perfection rather than acknowledging her minuses. It was a crazy good relationship after all but it came to an end. Today I know I can get her back but for some reason I'm not willing to do so. Then for a year I've met with another woman, once a week, in the format of friends with benefits, just to enjoy the time together. But it was like a relationship altough I declared that I wasn't ready for one then. We were exclusive. She was fun and adored me. I left her. But I can't forget that feeling I had with her, that felt real, empowering but at the same time down to earth. Honestly I'm a bit nostalgic of her. That's when I understood how it's like to be with a well functioning woman. Now I believe that being the adorer for men isn't good, it's like smoke in the eyes, it's like being drunk, one can take dangerous decisions in that situation. And one can fill his head with bullshit that will take years to acknowledge and get rid of. Men must have control of the situation and they should refrain from flying too high.
Brilliant 🌻 Don't stop Thought about this to. Just... Who is the most commited. If the woman is most commited.. The man my have a better chance for it to have longevity,the relationship. Only if he cares .. Love your work x
I agree 100% brother, one thing you mentioned here that I think you should make a follow up video on to clarify a bit, is what this means for a man in practice, so essentially if a man is supposed to give the opportunity to the woman in a relationship to be the adorer, I take it that you mean mentally restrain yourself as the man, dont look up to her and dont put her on a pedestal, have the mindset that you are better than her (which should be true in most cases otherwise she wouldnt be there dating you in the first place due to hypergamy). Some men or people in general might look at this video and assume that what you mean with this is that men should look for less attractive women in order to make it easier to be the adored as a man in the relationship, but im pretty sure you mean that we should restrain ourselves mentally with attractive women, essentially "negging" them by not showing how attracted to them we actually are in order to ensure that she maintains that position as the adorer.
I've been studying intergender dynamics as a renegade for almost a decade now, started as a young buck trying to understand exactly where my success and failures in dating and relationships are, down to a measurable level. I love your content so far. I'm a couple videos in and you're spot on.
I am about 3 videos in and I can tell you as a divorced guy that this PhD is dropping a lot of facts. The thing about wives being bored and the thing about men needing to work hard/sacrifice and put themselves in the adored position are 100% true. He has also done some excellent videos on why it is terrible financial advice to invest all your money in 1 risky stock/wife and relationships are the prize for men but relationships are just a means to an end for women (they really want kids, resources, properties, luxury lifestyle, etc).
@@marriagecausesdivorce7540 what you are overlooking is the fact that due to social media, access to education and work women will only be able to "adore" small percentage of men which is happening right now and is the main reason why society is falling apart.
@@marsultortheavenger409 I don't think I overlooked that point. I did write "why it is terrible financial advice to invest all your money in 1 risky stock/wife ". It is a terrible idea to invest all your money into 1 risky stock/wife partly because she is probably "settling" when she chooses you as there are so few high value men to go around. Even billionaires (Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk) and millionaire Chads (Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Tom Brady) are not high value enough to be adored and keep their wives happy.
Great video and good advice, and this is one of the reasons so many modern day relationships and marriages are off balance, we hear so much about 50 50 and making everything equal and fair, men and women now trip over one another to try and be equals in the relationship and for most men that means becoming more of a partner and sometimes roomate, because we are obsessed with equality, so men don't feel the desire or need to show presence or frame, they simply want to go along to get along with their wife or spouse, and this also means more and more women are living in the relationship with more masculine energy and so many men in their rush to do all things equal, never commanding or dominating a situation, then become more feminine in the relationship as well. Also this is why often times a same sex relationship, such as two females together, have such an imbalance because relationships come down to the sexual dynamics and differences between the masculine and feminine energy, dominant vs passive, whose gonna be the strong assertive masculine energy when both partners are female? Of course two people are free to chose who they wish to love I'm not judging but main stream media would never allow this type of truth, the real differences between the sexes and how that affects relationship, society and traditional gender roles.
I agree with this message. As a woman. I like to be the adorer. I had an ex who would write me romantic adorations all the time and till now I did know why that was such a put off. Men!! it's better to be adored. Try to ignore her sometimes and her attraction for you will significantly increase.
As the youngest sibling, I’ve always looked up to everyone I admire. So that’s probably why it feels weird being the adored even in platonic relationships But I can see why it’s vital in romantic relationships
Here’s my test: Ask your other “What do you like (or love) about me?”… and listen very close! If they answer with reasons “why” they like or love you, they likely don’t adore you, and they may not even like you. If your other can say quickly and convincingly “what” they like (or love) about you, they probably adore you. "I love you because..." = reasons, rationale, benefits received, ways we "feel" because of the person; "I love___about you..." = attributes, physical characteristics, strengths, values, and virtues that describe and define the person; "Why" we love is the "effect" of the person; "What" we love is "the person"
The only time a man needs that is if he's planning on tagging along more than one woman which is good for him but very unhealthy for the community. Only a selfish person would suggest this
@@steph6109 I practice polygyny and I'm responsible for more people than the average man or woman. Not sure how selfish comes into the picture... I'm not "tagging" along anyone. Also how is a man being responsible for more than one woman unhealthy for the community 🤔 Stop assuming.
@@thelogicalmoor8219 it’s interesting that she was able to identify the polygamous aspect of your lifestyle, through your original post: which was a short sentence.
... this was an insightful talk, indeed. what needs to be kept in mind though is the inherent impermanence of everything arising dependently on certain conditions or issues factoring in. contingencies of life (eg in profession or health) or relative growth in one part may well wreck the initial setting. another issue is that explicit adoration may well play as manipulative tactics - and the adored ends up totally exhausted over time.
Thank you for this, I have learned this lesson but it took me years, I hope your message gets to the younger generation, I like the way you sum it up in a few minutes, not sure if I could have summed it up in an hour
I have gone through a very bad divorce (lost 70% of all my money and assets) but it is only really after watching this guy's videos are things actually making sense, e.g. men need to work hard/sacrifice to put themselves in the adored position, make sure your wife is not bored as you are robbing her of her emotional needs, relationships are a means to an end for women (e.g. they really want kids, resources, properties, lifestyle for IG, etc), do not invest all your money into 1 risky stock/wife, etc. This guys videos are actually amazingly accurate.
This is one I struggled with until I got into my 30’s. I had to reprogram my brain to pursue initially. Then back off entirely. It’s a dance that works best when you don’t have to pursue at all.
You sir have the most sensible information regarding men and women relationships . I have watched a lot of your videos I am subscribed to your Channel. Most are really tough and hard to swallow but they are truthful and that sometimes hurts. This one in particular is a gold nugget for me. I wish I had discovered you before I got my heart broken . I am a 59 y old man living in a foreign country to yours and EVERYTHING you say makes sense. Trying to find a good woman and keep her for the long run. Your education material will certainly help with my desire. Keep on bringing your knowledge, I am sure you are making a difference in a lot of people's lives. Thank you again! God bless
Wow this makes so much sense. I've experienced this personally where I would get turned off if I felt that I was being put on the pedestal. I couldn't understand it because it kind of goes against logic but the way you explain it makes a lot of sense, especially if you are a traditional woman who enjoys being in a traditional relationship where roles are clearly defined.
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In my model on the balance of attraction, I note that -- since it isn't possible for two people to like each other exactly the same amount -- one person (the adorer) must like the other person more, and one person (the adored) must like the other person less. While these two positions are gender neutral, I make the argument in this episode that it is actually better for women to be in the position of the adorer. This is due to the fact that adorers experience the lion's share of emotionality in a relationship, and women tend to mate and date up (suggesting that they actually want to look up to a man).
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#attraction #women #relationship
can you please talk about age gab
Women have no concept of honour. They won't stay loyal to you just because they gave their word and gave some invisible oath in their heads. That's a purely male phenomenon. It doesn't compute in their heads. Women's only value is towards their momentary emotions. What you provide them with. And how you make em feel about themselves and look to others for status.
Sadly the most effective tactic is to date women who like you more than you like them. That's how you get something kinda fulfilling and positive from the relationship as a man.
Excellent video, maybe the most important relationship video on RUclips, except now you have to make a video to teach men how to be content while being the adored
Makes perfect sense! Thank you Doctor! Have a relaxing valentines day.
RIP Patrice O’Neal. He said this 20 years ago and everyone thought he was insane. His psychology on relationships was ahead of its time.
100%.I discovered him during the virus lockdowns and wished I heard his ideas before my marriage failed after almost 24yrs together.
Yeah, he was a good one. If you don't mind, where was he saying that, bro?
Video?
@@aferg76 yeah
@@aferg76 search elephant in the room on RUclips. Best comedy special with amazing insights.
It's super easy as a man to attract a woman when you aren't truly interested in her, because you don't care what she does, so you're being more of your usual masculine self, so you effortlessly give her enough room for her feelings to grow.
When a man is truly interested in a woman, or adores her, he has to actually exercise some self-control and self-respect, because he tends to treat the one he wants a little differently than the others by reaching out too often and by other little things when interacting with her. This causes her to lose attraction and it gets in the way of the growth of her romantic feelings, because he essentially acts more feminine than her. This is why it seems to us men that the ones we like don't like us, but the ones we don't like always like us. Its due to our behavior. So with a little self-control and self-respect and being conscious of vetting the woman and seeing if she is good for us and treating her the same as we would any other woman, we can indeed have the woman we adore while also being adored by her. It's possible. Adoration doesn't equal pedestalization. It just has us acting less than our authentic selves sometimes without realizing it if we are not careful.
I think that is true. It can be a little more complex than that. If you are still highly attractive in other ways to her, then the sort of "chasing" can almost seem endearing to some women if you do it well and with charm. Every woman is different in some ways. But yeah, generally speaking, I think that's correct. You do have to keep some self control and self respect, and monitor yourself because its so easy to put them on a pedestal, and most of the time doing that is no good. It's allways the ones you're not that bothered about that come to you lol.
Women have tan poop.
This is why it’s so hard to get a woman you actually like
Sounds nice in concept but much, much easier said than done in practice.
Simple and clean comment
The opposite of love is not hate; the opposite to love is indifference.
Nope, indifference is neutral
I think love and hate are the same thing. You cannot hate someone or something if there was no love for it or them. And in order to love, you must have some hate to steer clear from.
I know it sounds odd but hate and love are synonymous with each other. Indifference is neutral but is the opposite of both. If you didn’t care, then how can you love or hate ______?
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
@@alterego157indifference is non emotional. love and hate are the same and cannot be opposite because they are both rooted in the fact that they are: emotions. The opposite, then, to an emotion, is indifference, which is non emotional.
Psychopasa Season 1
As a woman, I definitely enjoy being an adorer more than being an adored. I do think it makes sense.
@@stevebusam2911 Yeah, and still may well pick up on that. But also she feels deprived of the best chance to show her honest self, weaknesses and all, otherwise.
@stevebusam2911 as long as she get the understanding that she is being adored , both parties are the winners 🎉
I agree Irina, that's a natural state of the women that has been taken away by feminism
I enjoy it until I don’t. Men can’t handle being adored. They take advantage of u or just get plain bored.
Save the adoration for your side guy..but make sure the hubby loves you more 😂❤
Makes sense. Men provide security with protection, resources and masculine presence. Women balance this with affection/adoration, nesting and maternal nature with children. Men are supposed to provide more, women are supposed to adore more. This is the balance
Whoever cares less has the power in the relationship.
Agreed
So true
Yeah 😂
Exatamente!
Exactly & that’s what he’s talking about; Power
Not love & respect for each other
I remember when I met my wife 43 years ago how she looked up to me, I wasn't really into her , but gave her a chance anyway, after getting to know her an realizing how smart , honest, and feminine she was , I knew we could work together, I knew after my first marriage that I needed a woman that I could walk away from if I had too. But she has never given me a reason to, we both know our places and it's worked well for both of us.
Impressive
Golden comment, thanks for sharing
So basically you settled for someone that was replaceable at the drop of a hat. Congrats.
@@TheQueenIsWithin while your comment is true, you’re painting it in the most negative light. He clearly loves her and would not leave her. It sounds like he’s not even planning on leaving
So then why worry?
@@TheQueenIsWithin I'm saying that I know that I can live without her ,but she adds so much value to my life that I prefer not to,
Rock solid relationship advice. As a man raised in a modern western society, you don’t realize how difficult it is to let a woman adore you. You always feel the need to be the one to adore because that’s what you are taught. And modern women are starving to be with a man they can adore as opposed to be the princess all the time
Its programation dude, the soon you start being cognizant of these biases the soonee you will internalize how unnatural and foreign to you all these dynamics are. It takes time tho.
Every man I've tried to love has told me they don't deserve me. :/ it's horrible
To Adore=to chase. Chasing is 100% of masculine energy. The more a man is masculine the more he will chase. The more a woman is masculine the more she will chase (being with a masculine woman means you are more Feminine)
So, the more a woman is adored the more Feminine she is ( which is good for your masculinity) Pure logic and facts
@@primaveraverano1664 the entire premise your comment was based on is false. chasing is not masculine. You just think it is because our modern world has made it that way. It seems much more likely that throughout history women sought out alpha males rather than alpha males seek out the women. Do you think Genghis Kahn chased women? very doubtful
@@primaveraverano1664 you listened to the video, but yet managed to still go back to your default settings. He’s saying the whole chasing game produces bored wives and women being adorers is not sustainable….is that clear enough for?
As clichéd as it sounds, this is why men must work on themselves - they need to become an object of admiration. However, the difficulty with this is that now with women acing education and getting high flying careers it's become harder than ever for men to become something worthy of being adored.
Yes, it's mathematically impossible for most women now to find men way above their level. That's the reason why the men perceived to be at the top today have the entire female population going after them.
Stop collecting Transformers. First step.
@@thereisnosanctuary6184 lol your voice is so high it sounds like your cat's squeezing your balls. Oh hang, wait a minute, it is
This is true.
I don't know, there's a lot more to adore in a man than that. A man with his own mind, integrity, confidence and independence is endlessly sexy and adorable.
The happiest relationships I've seen are where both adore each other, and the woman adores the man just a bit more.
I was thinking the same!
Preach!!
The Special, fully agree👍
Thats what he said
Relationships work best when you both do the things you need to for your partner. My wife's effort in the relationship and hard work for the family inspire me to work hard for her and the kids.
I agree with this about 92%. The remaining 8% would have been added if the speaker had acknowledged that balance is key with this. In reality we are better switching between adorer and adoree in cycles that depend largely on our maturity in life.
True but as a man you should mostly be adored
@@denzelwashington3596 Lmao, you are stupid both people should adore each other.
Traditional roles dictated that men provided more security in the form of protection and resources while women provided more emotion in the form of adoration. There's your balance. We have to let go of modern societal teachings and back to evolutionary psychology
Fully agree to that. Balance in adoration works for me and my gf
There's a term for this, it's called a "switch." What the speaker is suggesting is that this dynamic can only be successful if the man is consistently displaying masculinity. That way when you do display adorer qualities, like buying her flowers, it doesn't turn her off.
I knew it already but accepting is the hard part here
true
😂 It's hard to pull off in practice.
Since you would be adored what so hard about accepting it?
@@ker_at6814 Are you being cute because today is valentine day or should I think there is something special about you :)
@@ker_at6814 Men wrote poetry, music and did heroic things to conquer women, so we assumed that is unnatural to be at the receiving end and have a woman simp for us. However that is the best dynamic in a relationship.
This makes sense. Something he left out is the male need to be admired. I didn't realise how important that is until a few years into my marriage when that seemed to be absent.
What you're looking for is respect. If you weren't getting it it's because you never earn it. Women are very good at giving credit where its due.
Try doing something admirable or kind for her
@@steph6109 I agree in general, but that is not the whole of it. A number of people, like marriage counsellors, have said that women switch off men more often after marriage than vice versa, especially after the kids come. I think there is something of a weakness in women in maintaining the connection with a husband. Men love women more than women love men.
I was basically the same person before the marriage as after it. She was fine before but a few years in I was not taken into account in her thinking. It has been a difficult time getting some of that back.
My wife is a good person, good mother, loyal, hard working, does housework, doesn't waste money. I am just pointing out what appeared to me to be a bait and switch, but is probably not contrived to be that.
I don't think women are any better than men at recognising where credit is due. They are quite capable of totally taking people for granted, just as men are.
It’s strange, in my ex relationship I did admire him so much. I was obsessed with him. He was emotional about me as well and quite possessive. However, I think objectively I was the more attractive one (12 years younger, and a lot of people find me attractive, him not that much physically). He also didn’t have a lot of money. But he was an artist and I liked his character a lot, he was interesting.
Anyway, I adored him more than the other way around I think. Unfortunately, he still left me. He didn’t want marriage in general also, a lifelong relationship yes but not a marriage. I think it doesn’t work to be the adored one for men who have attachment issues. Maybe for him, he needs to adore someone and she needs to be a bit unavailable…
@@Marivi247 Thanks for your story. Yes, I think he had issues with commitment. I didn't. I don't have trauma, I came from an intact family. My wife is the same. Of course, too much admiration from the women could lead the man to think he has better options. There is no one factor that explains everything, but to generalise, far more women file for divorce, and the most common reason is "lack of commitment". I think women generally feel they are settling today. I think their standards have been artificially raised, and they fail to appreciate good men.
@@Marivi247 Why do you think he have attachment issues ?
Your comment kinda spoke to me cause i felt the same as the person you described. Why do you think we have attachment issues just because we don't like/need/want mariage ?
This is revolutionary. This is the alpha dynamic explained in the simplest way. You literally pinned it down to ‘you either do this to keep the woman you want or do this to lose her’. Thank you for this.
Advance red pill content not for the average
Having lived for 5 decades and all kinds of relationship issues, the topic of Hypergamy is one of the key things I see causing male/female problems. Thanks Doc for helping us understand this better.
Hypergamy and hybristophilia are 100% true phenomena and create so much misery for men in relationships all around the world
No point getting into one if she isn't the adorer.
@@eladbari agreed, but what doc is saying is you need to get an uglier woman then you are a man. You need to be the star in the relationship , Yet we are visual creatures...so its a bitter pill to swallow thats better for you.
At least in this way you can focus on your lifes mission instead of capitulating and maintaining her attraction to you. Thats a drainer.
I don't think it's a problem, it's the natural evolutionary female mating strategy. It's the same for all mostly all mammals, and has been the same for us for hundreds of thousands of years.
The problem is the weakening and feminisation of men in our current society. It's been planned, it's all intentional and horrible. But so many men are waking up nowadays and it gives me hope for the world.
The only problem with hypergamy is when it's SERIAL! If women think they can hop from relationship to relationship, then they become shallow...
Yes, it feels good if a man is in love with us, but it feels incredible to feel deeply, passionately, crazy in love ourselves. That high is truly the state that we're looking for, and if a man can inspire this in us we'll move heaven and earth to sustain the relationship.
Thank you Linda
@@tuphdc8779 😘
Women have no concept of honour. They won't stay loyal to you just because they gave their word and gave some invisible oath in their heads. That's a purely male phenomenon. It doesn't compute in their heads. Women's only value is towards their momentary emotions. What you provide them with. And how you make em feel about themselves and look to others for status. If those are on point. If the mystery and boundaries are maintened, she can enthusiastically follow your league. Of course all that if she finds you physically HOT first 😜
@@keylanoslokj1806 go outside
@@tuphdc8779 i went and i reported my findings here
I understand the fear men feel that a woman who isn't invested in a relationship can destroy their life, but asking for an "adorer" and a woman looking for that emotional high is really a devil's bargain. Those women are almost always more unstable and have self confidence issues. She will probably get bored eventually since infatuation always runs out. Worst case, she might find her self respect and realize she wasn't that in to you to begin with. That is a rude awakening - the whole thing will fall apart. People looking for "emotional highs" are almost always looking for something outside of themselves to distract from an emptiness inside, and that usually makes its way into the light eventually. Leads to misunderstanding and combustive episodes.
Very well articulated 👍👍
I was a couple of times the adorer- woman and I confirm your statement. The more Feminine and knowing my value as a woman I became, the faster I forgot how to chase a man and the sooner I became the adored & chased one. Chasing is a 100% masculine trait
@@primaveraverano1664 so you chased before and you chased after?
@@ataj585 I did it a couple of times back in the days) Not more
@@primaveraverano1664 i don't buy that. it just sounds like an elaborate way to say "the guys I want are too unattainable for me and i settled by giving a chance to one of the guys in my friendzone".
all women are unstable and have self-esteem issues. It is just a matter of degree. Also all women are vacuous thrill seekers. It is in the design. Also women never find their self-respect, because they don't have any. what women have is pride and the desire to control outcomes.
Another reason this dynamic works better (something you've discussed in previous videos): men are innately more dutiful. If the adored is not dutiful, you have a recipe for disaster.
Yes. Duty. Honor. Idealism. All male "vices"
What do you mean by "dutiful"? I'm really curious...just trying to see if my man is or not lol
I agree that the adored must be more dutiful but I would argue that women are the more dutiful if the two. Men can be bound strongly by their lust but that's different to being dutiful. If we look at both genders characteristics outside of romantic relationships I do not think your claim stands
@@kathleen460
He is. He gives you safety and comfort, since you are an unsure neurotic that requires anonymous strangers to rate "your" mans value.
@@steph6109 the essence of love is sacrifice. Last I checked men sacrifice much more to be with a woman than the opposite.
Don't try to "level" the field.
"Typical" relationships are heavily tilted towards women.
I've had two relationships, one where I was the adorer and one where I was the adored. It definitely felt a lot better to be the one being chased after rather than doing the chasing (during the relationship itself). Nowadays I take pride in being a leader in my life, rather than the follower I used to be while growing up.
I also prefer to be adored. Funny that he says most of us prefer to be the adorer, I just feel feminine being the adorer regardless of it feeling good. Just doesn't feel quite as good as being adored though.
@@joaquin67 In my observation, I see men preferring being adored to adoring.
@@dr.jenniferma3914 Correct, because being adored means we're Respected.
Wait for your third relationship than where you're both. Your jaw will drop.
I believe that the roles can switch fluidly when they need to. Everyone wants to be adored and to be the adorer also. I think finding someone that can happily trade these two roles with is worth the effort. Lest you find your relationship to be lacking and find yourself asking a lot of questions. Believing something so black and white can be harmful as well. Pro tip, understand yourself first before trying to understand someone else. In other words, know what you want/need and know the difference of wants and needs. I encourage this of both genders. Too many people nowadays don’t know what they even really want and enter a relationship blind and end up hurting the other person because everyone’s idea of something important could be very unimportant to the other party. The key is to understand that it is a relationship. Therefore more than just you are involved and you are choosing to involve another person into your life and space. I have made this mistake and hurt people I cared about and I have also been hurt. Date yourself first before dating someone else and have boundaries and stick to them. Stand on what you say and what you need. The rest will work itself out as long as both parties are willing to work on themselves while also working on your relationship.
This is absolutely true. The problem is that women only find about 1 in 5 men physically attractive. Also, single and childless women in America make an average of 9k a year more than single and childless men. If you're a good looking man with a good job, then life is great. But if you're an average looking man, with an average job and predictable and average personality, then it's unlikely he will find a woman who adores him. The majority of men will remain single. And the majority of women will have to choose between remaining single or settling for a man that she's not really attracted to.
Yes the problem of hypergamy and women entering the workforce. Now the provider is not hot/needed anymore. And the average man just doesn't stand out
You know whats really unnatractive? A person who doesnt enjoy life. Enjoy your life even when your single, enjoy your work, enjoy food and drink. You cant take that from people. You can have a poor have working man who enjoys life and you can have a instagram 10/10 model whos completely miserable.
Lol go to other countries. Of course vet properly but the women out there treat you much better. This country is filled with individualist,capitalism and feminism which fuels narcissism. It is extremely rare to find a quality partner in America. Now also make sure you’re quality so you don’t bring the bad habits learned from this country to other cultures
@@keylanoslokj1806 The problem is nothing to do with "hypergamy and women entering the workforce", the problem is men being too weak/useless and failing to raise their game accordingly.
@@js9273 nuh classic victim blaming. That's horse shit.. because a few psychopathic trillionaires and billionaires decided to rule the world through capitalism and now even in countries like Canada, people can't afford groceries, doesn't mean we have to adapt. We have to get rid of our tyrants. You can't breathe in a suffocating chamber. You need to be outside in the open air. If you want to be a hamster in their rat race good for you. It's nothing to brag about. Even if you "win", you lose
Agreed 100%. This aligns with my own life experience. Man who is adored can have a relationship with an adoring woman as long as he wishes to. Women who are adored are usually bored, treat the man as less valuable than her, do not fully respect the man, and will either leave or cheat. Latter scenario is a bad deal for the man. Sacrifice of being the adored is worth it. You are bang on, sir.
Hard to accept, I think that’s true. How did you come it realize it ?
Great video. Really like the adored/adorer breakdown, but it's getting harder for this balance to exist in the current environment with the tendency towards casual sex and polygamy. Mens' hookup standards are lower than their relationship standards, so men who women view as 9s and 10s are casually hooking up with (but not committing to) women that are closer to 8s, 7s, and even 6s. These women then conflate their hookup value with their relationship value (a 7 sees herself as a 9, or at least thinks she deserves a 9). In the past, a woman that was a 6 or 7 could adore a 7 or 8. Now, she has so much sexual experience with upper tier men, it would take a 9 or 10 to inspire adoration.
Well said, sir. Oh, in one study women view 80% of men to be average or below average in looks, while the amount of men they considered to be a "10" was precisely zero. 🙄 That means they really do think they deserve a guy who actually is a 9 or 10, which is less than 5% of males. Interestingly, the same study found that 94% of women rate their selves as being above average. Hard to believe, really, but it explains much.
@@maxjohnson1758 men's standards have been forcibly lowered if anything just to get the Access. in my experience and observation there is little to no value in commitment to a woman long-term due to societal expectations on men being higher than ever while basically giving women a pass on any real accountability. The longer you stay in relationship the less return you get on it and often disrespect of all kinds increases exponentially as well. I cannot emphasize enough the importance of culture to keep women virtuous wholesome and decent. This is really where a society either rises or falls
Boom. In a nutshell. Very well put.
@@maxjohnson1758 Isn't it funny that those exact same women then complain about "What happened to all the good men?" Those "good men" often are already married with kids. So, they aren't interested in you anymore. Or the alternative are guys who have sworn off women. Who again aren't interested in you anymore. So, she might be aiming for that 5%, while in reality there is probably less than 1% who actually are still available for a relationship with her.
@@onee all the "good" men are found in womens " friend-zones"
I think a good relationship should be a balance of being the adored and being the adorer. If it's always one person being the adored and the other being the adorer, the imbalance will eventually collapse the relationship. I don't believe though that if I am the adorer and my partner is the adored my love for them is more than their love for me, his love is coming from a different place as is mine. If he loved me less when I am being the adorer I would not want to be the adorer for fear of losing his love.
My wife has been the adoring me for 45 years, I made it my duty, to meet her expectations, I make the big decisions, she makes the small ones, it has worked very well for us
It will. I'm the person who adores, but my husband does not adore me at all. After I gave birth he said he wanted a divorce…. So yeah. The husband has to adore you as well. I really admired him, was attracted to him and respected him, but I found out the hard way that he didn't feel the same.
@@anneshirley9560but how
@@anneshirley9560 i am so so sorry to hear that hun. when gd closes the door to a person who you might be putting at the centre of your world, that person is always removed from your life until you learn to centre your world around god. i ahv seen this with a a lot of people. Did he ateleast give a reason for the divorce?
Ren_Mari, spot on 👍
The dynamics of a relationship where the man is the adorer are generally bad. The woman wants to feel like she got the best deal possible, if instead the man feels that way then the woman will always feel like she could have done better. Even if you really like the woman as a man, you shouldn't make it too obvious to avoid this.
Yeah usually happens to guys with oneitis. Very unhealthy to make your whole life about one person for either males or females. Especially if the way you see them is still only a projection of who you think they are and not reality. One of those things that's easier to say and hard to do I acknowledge but no less true regardless
Sadly the most effective tactic is to date women who like you more than you like them. That's how you get something kinda fulfilling and positive from the relationship as a man.
I always felt smothered when I was adored & even then the relationship wasn’t good.
My philosophy is to be captain of my ship. She can be my first mate, join my life journey, never co captain. If she doesn't want to come along for the ride, drop her off.
@@pugilist102 Of course, don't maroon her unless she deserves it due to egregious behavior like cheating, but yeah, leave her at the next convenient port of call.
If this works for some couples, all the power to them. But from my personal experience, the healthiest and most lasting relationships I've seen are the ones were the man likes the woman more. I have seen so many women adore and put their husbands and boyfriends on a pedestal while they take them for granted / don't respect them / leave them. I think men like having a woman they see as a prize, someone they have to work hard for and invest into; otherwise, they are easy to get bored and leave. I just wanted to add this in case you have been the adorer before and it led to heartbreak, go for a man that adores you instead. You deserve it.
Just because someone looks up to me (for whatever personal reasons/values they have) does not preclude me from looking up to them in return for whatever personal reasons and values that I have.
Mutual admiration may be rare. I am very grateful to have a partner that cherishes me just as wholly as I cherish them. We bring very different assets to the relationship. Luckily, we share the same values, thus creating a sturdy foundation.
I find this concept of either being the admirer or the admired a bit like believing that in a conflict: someone is right and the other is wrong.
At the beginning of our relationship, we found ourselves in many random disagreements. Upon delving into them and doing a bit of research, we frequently found ourselves coming to the same conclusion: we were both right, about different aspects. I am so grateful for this pattern appearing in our life. I believe it broadened our perspective and helped us see the importance of humility and curiosity. If you see things different than I, I should very much like to better understand where you are coming from, even if only so that I may attain a greater understanding myself, regardless of who is "right" or "more right."
I’ve been on all sides of this. I never liked being adored because it makes you feel like you owe the person something and they may feel that way too. However, adoring someone else is more safe and comfortable. It’s like a reason to live and gives you a lust for life to be in the presence of someone you adore. I would say relationships seem to lack the most love and sexual passion without a man being adored. Men and women need adoration in different ways for different reasons. Balance is the best period.
Profound. This dichotomy appears to suggest that in mate selection, a man is better advised to couple with a woman slightly below the man's status (social, economic, charisma). He thereby surrenders the pursuit of the "super-model sex object" that he would adore. Challenging.
Your message resonates well with Aly Drummond's (RealFemSapien) insistence that most women do not get the man they want. Instead, they accept the adored status in a relationship.
It is so funny that men complain in these comment section complain about hypergamy but actually seem really disappointed to settle for a 7.
@@chrishnah - Agreed. Men are quick to point out that hypergamy has 80% of the women chasing 2% of the men. Yet, because men are visually attracted/stimulated, 80% of men are chasing 10% of the women. It's not much different.
@@christopherlarsen7788 I truly believe that with men it does not come down to looks. It's more his competence, it's really attractive when he is meticulous about aspects of his work and he has a capacity to protect. I think if men have those things they are attractive no matter what.
@@chrishnah - I appreciate your input. Through my personal experiences over many years, women have repeatedly stated that a man's charisma (strength of character + fashion sense) are the single greatest attractions for a woman. But I agree with you that more and more it is becoming apparent that a man's career drive - particularly when mission focused - is a significant factor of a man's attractiveness for women.
These attributes of men's attractiveness can be, frankly, chalked up to hypergamy. I don't view the term hypergamy as an inherently damaging phenomenon. When viewed within the broader context of human survival and advancement, hypergamy has remarkable benefits to the human species. Yes, there is a dark side to hypergamy, and it is easy to see examples of women's unethical behavior. But overall, women pursuing men who can "provide and protect" is a healthy thing.
Likewise, men pursuing physically attractive women is every bit as healthy for the human species. "Young attractive" women are not only more likely to survive childbearing to become nurturing parents, but they are also more likely to produce healthier children! Nature plus nurture is a win-win outcome. But again, there is a dark side to this phenomenon. Porn industries, Hollywood, product advertising, and social pressures hold a near-monopoly on the definition of attractiveness. These industries leverage attractiveness as a profitable commodity. Men need to take charge, and define attractiveness for their selves. I believe this produces greater satisfaction and happiness for men.
Yeah smart average men been marrying women that see them as their best option since time immemorial. When she is lukewarm about you, it's a hellish ride of a relationship. Women don't wanna date their inferiors for long and they can never respect them and give them their all
I am 65 and when I was 23 I married a woman that I adored, BIG MISTAKE. It was a terrible marriage. 20 years after my divorce I found out she has settled . She had liked another man better than me. Bad bad divorced , boy did she hate my guts. So I think what you say it's true. Thanks for the clear explanation.
Well it's not just their power hunger and hybristophilia. Maybe the specific woman was extra pathological due to rough parenting etc. So she wanted only partners who confirmed her preconceived self image
@@keylanoslokj1806 Well I did try for 5 years to have as go to marriage counselling but she would not have it. The big problem for men at least is that the way the family law is structured , there is no consequence for women behaving badly.
@@brazidas58 yes that's why i avoid marriage
@@keylanoslokj1806 once bitten twice shy :)
I also tried to keep someone that actually liked someone else. It was a painful situation for me that I would never allow again
I am the adorer to my husband and was throughout our relationship before we got married. I enjoy making and seeing him happy, cannot explain the fulfillment there is in it and having him return his love back. There is the old saying that I heard growing up that many woman hear from friends and family, to find someone that loves you more than you love them. It’s not that one doesn’t meet men who have potential to have that role, but I knew before I met him that I wanted someone who didn’t put anyone on a pedestal blindly and would be genuine and have self control in their feelings and judgement. I don’t believe or feel that my husband loves me less than I love him, he’s more reserved with his love and I’m definitely more outgoing in expressing my love and attraction to him. As a balance he returns his love steadily in very meaningful ways that only he thinks of❤️
I adore out of neediness. It’s selfish and it sabotages my relationships. I understand the “sacrifice” frame but really, it doesn’t really fit in my situation. I just need to focus on my own happiness. I really appreciated this video.
“How to be the adored when at heart you’re the adorer” would be an amazing video. I struggle with finding the balance between being “too nice” and “too cold”
Do u have any qualities that would make a person want to adore u
Become a person worth adoring. If you self improve, looks physique job the way you dress etc, girls will adore you more than you adore them. The key is not to stop adoring, it's to become the man that she is crazy about. Then you both like each other but she likes you *more*
In all my long lasting relationships, the women adored me... except at the end of course. And the last two, it did switch once I loved them back too. Then they gradually lost attraction for me, and NOW all my bad traits came to be too much, all the bad stuff (and I sure did some early on) became unbearable to them - yet they could easily overcome that in the "adoring" phase. Which is crazy to me: we men tend to take much much longer to love, but when we do, it's strong and real, yet instead of making it a stronger relationship, it tends to be the start of the end! I'm starting to think that in the past, relationships lasted only because of social pressure.
Yes I’ve experienced this too. I would like to know how to avoid this problem
Nah, it's because there are three stages of love. In the first stage you find each other attractive. That's when you start dating and are getting to know each other. In the second stage you idealize each other, and start to accept some stuff you actually might dislike. Like if you never take out the trash and that bothers her, she will be more tolerant of your behavior in this phase. And in the last stage you accept them for who they are. If you can't, that's when the relationship ends. That's when you not taking out the trash for example starts to bother her. Because then she realizes that you'll never change. That's when the "bad stuff" becomes unbearable to them. While it was bearable in the second stage, when they were idealizing you as someone you are not.
This is also why women like bad boys so much. They think they can change him. They can't. And miserably fail at that. And that leads to them breaking up. But it's fun for them while it lasts. Or if they succeed, they get bored with him. I also think that it often has to do with how mature a woman is. If she's still chasing bad boys, it feels like she hasn't outgrown her teenage phase. I wouldn't want someone like that to be the mother of my children.
@@elchucapablas Simply never prioritize.
You should be her priority.
You're goals should be your priority.
Simply make her second, and she will like you more.
@odin gave his eye to acquire knowledge I think I agree with you. It’s a balancing act and it seems the grind never stops even after you got her
I do like the idea of spoiling her every once in a while
Is not that simple.
I hope one of the big red pill channels picks up on your work/channel. Your channel is dropping so many facts but from a PhD psych perspective. I have been through a marriage and divorce, and I 100% agree that if the wives get bored the relationship is dead as she is no longer feeling anything. I also 100% agree that the wife should be the adorer but this is hard to achieve in reality because men have been brainwashed into the adorer role by Hollywood, TV, media, etc. Also, to be the adored, you can't be lazy, you need to be someone worth adoring. Men should really put more effort into being adored (rather than adoring). Your work could actually save so many marriages.
Had to stop it at “which robs off of the lions share of..” that hit hard. So damn true
Possibly the best psychology YT channel.
And one that introduces "red pill" knowledge to a "blue pill" crowd.
YT's Alexander Grace is just as great
@@MilanElan you are correct!
This is something I learned hardway. However I only realized it after I gained loads of skills and talent which made women adore me. It's world of difference in relationship and quality of it when woman adores her partner.
A simple way to put it is that women Date UP, and men Date DOWN. When things don't go this way, the relationship doesn't last, or the woman is always looking for a better man. When she finds him, she's GONE. Women want their superior, a man who is taller, stronger, funnier, smarter, wealthier, higher status, etc.
I am a woman who always been the adorer. A nightmare. I married the man who adores me and this is the best decision I have ever made.
That is my mom's advice too.
Found the outlier.
Same here girl I’m am with an alpha male who is the adorer in our relationship. Being the adorer male doesn’t make you feminine. Men who expect you to fawn all over them and treat them as the prize of the relationship is FEMININE. By definition you want to be the female in the relationship. Huh no wonder no woman want you guys 🤔
And as a good woman I’d never risk losing my good man and because he adores me I trust he has control. I can give him that space and trust.
Same girl, same.
This is so true! I’ve been married to my husband for 33 years and he has adored me for all of those years. I would much rather adore him, I don’t like how it feels to be fawned over all the time
That’s deep and very honest, I appreciate it Jenny.
@Jenny Wight
You'd miss it if you lost it. Trust me! You've gone nose blind to something good. Next time he adores you, simply adore him back on the spot so he knows you appreciate him.
This video has some good insights, but I think it's based on a mostly modern flawed foundation: Emotional experience is the key to marriages. For me Emotional Experience is the dessert. The main course is to truly love the person for the person, and not JUST the EMOTIONAL experience YOU get from it. When you can do that, then you know what love is.
The man could absolutely adore the woman all day back in the day. That’s what it was all about. The woman and the man adored each other and respected each other. Times have changed. The woman is absolutely taught they don’t need the man. Marriage was respected. People actually stayed together. The clothes woman wear today are so revealing that they honestly never leave the market. That really is nature. You can say what you want I really do feel God and the true belief of being committed to one person is gone. The internet gives woman so much more attention and power. They never really care to be completely committed being adored or the adorer. Times have changed. That’s what this video doesn’t really understand.
Up until very recently, I dated a woman who was older than me, higher earning and beautiful; I was obviously the adorer. Once she got bored of me, she dumped me without even saying good bye. Lesson learned. Thank you for the video.
Excellent point.
You really notice this if (as a man) you start off as the adored but gradually feel you are making too little effort and try and redress the balance. You rapidly see the attraction too you drop.
If you just remain comfortable in the status of her being the adorer the relationship is much smoother. But it is something that xsn feel like you are being unreasonable by doing.
We have a tendemcy to reciprocate. It's in our nature to be more "reasonable".
The issue is that women are not bound by the same inclinations of principle as us.
@ hot & lucky
So many people mess themselves up thinking men and women are the same and not keeping in mind the differences.
@@hotlucky5622 I think if the man is high value, she won’t have a problem to be "adorer" but if he is lacking....the admiration fade quickly.
I was in this exact situation. I dated a woman who was really into me but then I felt like I could do better and was not investing in the relationship as much as I should. I ended it saying she deserved someone who matched her energy. We didn’t align on core values so life would’ve been difficult with her.
Damn, this is gold. I'd be curious to hear how you might include attachment theory in to your perspectives. On a first pass generality I would imagine that an avoidant leaning attacher will always end up in the adored role, as anxious leaning folks will be most at home as the adorer, fearful-avoidant/disorganized folks will swing back and forth in response to the other, and secure people won't be interested in playing any of these games.
I didn't get the message until you said "my dude." But in all seriousness, this is life-changing knowledge more people should know. They say, marry the person that loves you over the person you love.
100% correct. Hypergamy is real. It's also consistent with biology. If women occupy a relative "higher value," however value is defined, the woman will become indifferent and believe she can do better, which means she's looking around for an opportunity to Trade Up. Happens all the time. Great video.
Its not even a theory - just ask any man on dating app what kind of women find him attractive vs the kind of women he finds attractive. The ones that like you are always 1,2 points lower on the sexual market place than you. If you want to date 7s you must be an 8 and above. And its not just looks ofc.
Accurate.
FACTS. I was a 6-7 but only liked women 7+. Big disaster since my actual audience was always 3-6.
Dating apps primarily focus on looks to begin with. Especially apps like Tinder are PURELY based on looks. Seriously no one bothers to read those bios. Unless maybe it's a match.
@@onee Women read the bios. Men who are with higher education/better job/tall are rated higher and get more mathes.
but they rarely marry .. when marrying , its reversed and guys family look for best bride. which is why guys bail now a days when marrying.
dating is for smashing and mainly supply and demand. since women is shamed for number of partners, they have to choose wisely?
This sounded depressing as hell. Why can’t we swap the roles? I would adore my wife at small moments when she evokes it in me and she does the same at her own leisure. Both parties have to have the self-esteem to not accept a relationship in which they don’t adore AND aren’t adored every once in a while.
There are no absolutes you will play both roles but as a man you got to be the adored most of the time
The adored/adored dynamic is fluid in healthy relationships
Welcome to psychacks, better living through psychology. Or my fav upcoming channel
In all of the old happy couples I know, the man adores the woman and she enjoys his adoration. Maybe some women just won’t appreciate it.
My lady brings me flowers every week. It's true, and it's hard to hold back and not adore equally. I let her adore me because that's what she loves to do.
As a woman, I agree with this video. On the other hand, it also feels like a lose/lose situation. One partner is settling and the other partner never feels 100% secure. I don’t know what the solution is.
I don't think it's meant to be that extreme.
women must never feel secure because , if they do they can easily destroy the marriage by cheating.
My recent relationship that has ended a week ago is a living proof for your words. The moment I became the adorer instead of the adored like it was in the beginning - it was over. Agreed completely!
This is an excellent breakdown! From the RP community this would be "Men lead, Women follow" dynamic. Males who fall into the fawning/simping/fan dynamic would be the adorers, if I understand your take correctly. I hope this finds those less favorable of the RP community so they may come to understand RP, even if they still disagree.
That's how it was designed
The RP does not teach you to hate women. It teaches you to not hate women for what they cannot be to you- Rollo.
@@anisenkrill6179 you either love women or understand them. Their nature is too wicked to allow for both
What is RP?
@@onee Red Pill. In it's original context relating to intersexual dynamics.
This channel gonna blow up big time
Many thanks for this video. It kinda confirm my current situation is a good situation, even tho a bit unusual and somewhat new, but I still love it. I've tried both sides and there's litterally a different and nurturing dynamic when the lady is the adorer as opposed to the adored. And often when I was the adorer it would turn that I would be with women that are either emotionally unavailable or not as emotionally invested as I was. When the lady she's in a place of adorer, this is when the magic begins and where she can and will do wonders; not only do wonders but when giving back to she will appreciate and be already in a good place to receive as well.
This is so true. I had rejected many men’s offers. Just because of the fact that they find me more attractive. BUT i am not attracted to them in anyway shape or form!
I don’t care about how you think of me. I am very attractive and i know i can get whatever and whoever i want. BUT i don’t want just ANYONE! I want “THE ONE”!
Couldn’t it be, and in the most happiest relationships wouldn’t it be, that both adore each other in their own way, and there’s not hierarchy about it but some sort of ”not maybe absolute, but relative balance”, meaning that the other adores the other in his/hers nice qualities, and vice versa? And the qualities are relatively balanced, or at least the respect and adoration is?
Hierarchy doesn’t sound healthy in the long term. Woman can ”choose from higher status” on average, but in the end adore the man how responsible, kind and hard working he is, while the man can adore the woman how sweet, kind and hard working at home she is. The woman can adore how the man fixed the sink, the man how the woman made such a nice meal. The woman can adore how the man handled the difficult salesman, the man how the woman handled the neighbors kids etc. The woman adores the logical intelligence of the man, the man adores the emotional intelligence of the woman. Both adore, both are adored.
Thinking it cannot be balanced sounds too mental, too mathematical. While the relationships which really last long might be few these days, I’m sure the sincerely happy couples say they both adore the other equally. Or maybe it’s mostly that the (gentle)man will express the adoration aloud, but he knows the woman also feels adoration, and it can be seen from both of their smile :)
I've also definitely left relationships for not being valued and adored enough. I think there is a balance you need to have. No one wants to be overly adored and smothered, but also not made to feel like they don't matter to their partner.
On one hand, you make a good point. On the other hand, a man will never put a lot of effort into a girl he doesn't adore, that's just a fact. It will only go downhill from there. Either he'll start cheating or he'll simply leave her. If she's ok with him porking other women, then maybe it'll work out, I don't know.
I'm the adored in our relationship and often feel the weight of that responsibility. Thanks making me realize it's not necessarily self centredness that at the root.
I think both ppl should play both parts. You both can be both. Sometimes at the same time, sometimes switching…Relationships get boring when everyone stays the same.
Blessings! 💎
naive. The entire 50/50 argument doesn't work in reality, but sounds great, fair and cute on paper.
@@gustavosoto4607 most women want it to be fair and square, but hides the cold truth to what they say.
This is one of the best and simplest descriptions I’ve seen on this topic. My ex ADORED me and I liked her pretty good. I remember saying to myself, damn I wish I could feel that way about somebody… 😂😂😂 Thanks for sharing this my dude! 💯💯💯
Solid stuff doc, thank you for explaining your theory: balance of attraction, I think this is imperative for men to understand so we can make better decisions in our relationships. Understanding the dynamics at play in these situations enable us to have better experiences if we apply them correctly. I would like to thank you for sharing your obvious love and passion for psychology with the world 🙏🏽
This is interesting because I often thought about this myself. Woman here. I often thought about how relationships may be failing because there isn't any balance. We have men who are literally begging at the woman's feet, answering to all her demands, considering her feelings and providing a lifesytle(that is money/house) without little effort on the woman's part(this is not all realtionships but generally speaking).
Because the man is putting in so much effort it almost proves to me why women in the past often had to put in a lot of effort to keep the relationship going because men were always willing to give because of their natural adoration for women and women had to give something also so the man wouldn't be constantly running after her to keep her satisfied which drains him.
I am not completely sure about this idea but I do know there isn't equilibrium in relationships today.
Wow, absolutely GLAD I found this channel, you're so well articulated on these matters and make it so easy to digest, will gladly binge your content!
This guy is totally right. Believe me, guys, just try. Don't chase any woman for at least two months. Just focus on your career, your studies, your work. Get better at it. Work out, read, listen to music. Be nice to the people around you. Help a friend. Try to dress well, get a haircut. Make a plan for your vacations. Set yourself some minor goals, it doesn't have to be anything fancy. You don't need to be rich. Women can smell that independence, I really don't know how, but they just know you are not needy and they love that. They start feeling a genuine interest in you, writing you messages first, asking how you are doing, etc. Which is good, because you have so many things to talk about, since there's so much going on in your life. Believe me, it works like a charm.
Excellent advice.
This was an eye-opening video, Orion. Really unique way of presenting the topic. I've never heard anything using terms like "adorer" and "adored" before when talking about relationship dynamics. I agree... Much better for both people in the relationship if the woman is the adorer. Keep the good presentations coming!
This is deep and entire correct Doc. I didn't learn about this until I am in my 50s. Wish I had known this earlier.
Another EXCELLENT video! 🎯🎯🎯
Whilst this is all true, the main problem for guys I think is that if you don't adore the girl you're with it's barely worth jumping through the hoops required to start and maintain a relationship. Men are still expected ask out, plan a date/travel etc, pay, offer entertainment and flattering words etc. If you're meh about the girl it just isn't worth the hassle....but if you adore her the relationship is probably doomed.
you won't have to do all that if a girl is already into you...she will prove herself
the man Im with now...didnt do any of that crap. we went dutch in the beginning. he came to like me a lot over time and now doesn't mind spoiling me but I Earned It
This makes a lot of sense. I always wondered why it's so important for me to "look up" to a man I'm attracted to. I want him to be better than me; more worldly, higher earning, more knowledgeable, etc. It's not sexy if we're equals. I know this isn't a very PC thing to admit but it's how I truly feel. Guess I have a healthy drive to be an adorer!😍
Thats how most vvomen feel but not brave enough to say it cuz of how society would view em
@@Dreweybaby I think it's more than just societal reasons that this goes unacknowledged. At the end of the day, it IS kind of embarrassing. I mean you're basically having to honestly self-reflect and accept that you're asking for more in your partner than you're offering yourself.
Yes, it might make for better harmony within a relationship but it also means you're having to humble yourself, and reject all of the self-serving validational nonsense that panders to vvomen. I think you underestimate how much vvomen want to live in a fantasy land OUTSIDE of relationships. It's every bit as strong as how much they want to live in a fantasy world inside of them. At the end of the day, they want to believe the popular narrative whereby they're constantly applauded and hyped for doing nothing. They're hugely ego invested in that. That becomes untenable if you've basically accepted you're the 'lesser' contributor to a relationship however.
@@sammyb1651 i can understand the embarrassing aspect.. thats tru 🤣💀🤣
100% Agree. I've always been attracted to older men for all the reasons you listed but never understood why psychologically until this video. Though it's been my experience in serious relationships that the adorer and adored roles switched depending on the situations we went through together in life.
You're right. It's quite rare to see a woman marry a guy that's shorter than him, earns less than him etc. So, in a sense equality might be good for society, but it isn't for relationships. lol
This was super insightful... I'm kinda getting emotional and I always do so I love being the adorer. I literally felt the wheels turning like "ohhh... I'm doing it wrong" and I have images in my mind of times I drove women away BY being the adorer. I'll have to try this out tomorrow.
Did you try it?
as a woman being the adorer is fun for a while, but after that it is draining…the feeling when you’re both crazy abt each other is perfect tho
This dude is just talking bs
I think it evenly applies to both sexes
But as a woman, you generally give bad relationship advice
"being both crazy" is something the adorer feels
Glad you said draining after a while. I actually like to be adored because he does everything for me
This makes a lot of sense. I think women also want to feel adored and cherished, but it’s good in the balance if she is the *more* adoring partner vs the “only” one). I’ve been with men who I completely adored and treated me like shit, and this doesn’t work either.
I think there's some truth here. I'm 30 and I've been both adored and the adorer. The woman I adored, after some time I understood she was the wrong woman. Because I was unable to see her defects, I put her on a pedestal and made her the perfection rather than acknowledging her minuses. It was a crazy good relationship after all but it came to an end. Today I know I can get her back but for some reason I'm not willing to do so.
Then for a year I've met with another woman, once a week, in the format of friends with benefits, just to enjoy the time together. But it was like a relationship altough I declared that I wasn't ready for one then. We were exclusive. She was fun and adored me. I left her. But I can't forget that feeling I had with her, that felt real, empowering but at the same time down to earth. Honestly I'm a bit nostalgic of her. That's when I understood how it's like to be with a well functioning woman.
Now I believe that being the adorer for men isn't good, it's like smoke in the eyes, it's like being drunk, one can take dangerous decisions in that situation. And one can fill his head with bullshit that will take years to acknowledge and get rid of. Men must have control of the situation and they should refrain from flying too high.
good comment Den. respect.
Always so counterintuitive. I love it!
Brilliant 🌻
Don't stop
Thought about this to.
Just...
Who is the most commited.
If the woman is most commited..
The man my have a better chance for it to have longevity,the relationship.
Only if he cares ..
Love your work x
Your approaches are very unique and very interesting. Thought provoking. Great job please keep it up 👍
Love this channel Doc! You cut straight to the core of these topics! Simple yet brilliant!
I'm addicted to hearing all these perspectives. It's fascinating.
I am a woman and I AGREE 100 %!!!!
I agree 100% brother, one thing you mentioned here that I think you should make a follow up video on to clarify a bit, is what this means for a man in practice, so essentially if a man is supposed to give the opportunity to the woman in a relationship to be the adorer, I take it that you mean mentally restrain yourself as the man, dont look up to her and dont put her on a pedestal, have the mindset that you are better than her (which should be true in most cases otherwise she wouldnt be there dating you in the first place due to hypergamy).
Some men or people in general might look at this video and assume that what you mean with this is that men should look for less attractive women in order to make it easier to be the adored as a man in the relationship, but im pretty sure you mean that we should restrain ourselves mentally with attractive women, essentially "negging" them by not showing how attracted to them we actually are in order to ensure that she maintains that position as the adorer.
I've been studying intergender dynamics as a renegade for almost a decade now, started as a young buck trying to understand exactly where my success and failures in dating and relationships are, down to a measurable level. I love your content so far. I'm a couple videos in and you're spot on.
I am about 3 videos in and I can tell you as a divorced guy that this PhD is dropping a lot of facts. The thing about wives being bored and the thing about men needing to work hard/sacrifice and put themselves in the adored position are 100% true. He has also done some excellent videos on why it is terrible financial advice to invest all your money in 1 risky stock/wife and relationships are the prize for men but relationships are just a means to an end for women (they really want kids, resources, properties, luxury lifestyle, etc).
@@marriagecausesdivorce7540 what you are overlooking is the fact that due to social media, access to education and work women will only be able to "adore" small percentage of men which is happening right now and is the main reason why society is falling apart.
@@marsultortheavenger409 I don't think I overlooked that point. I did write "why it is terrible financial advice to invest all your money in 1 risky stock/wife ". It is a terrible idea to invest all your money into 1 risky stock/wife partly because she is probably "settling" when she chooses you as there are so few high value men to go around. Even billionaires (Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk) and millionaire Chads (Johnny Depp, Brad Pitt and Tom Brady) are not high value enough to be adored and keep their wives happy.
Great video and good advice, and this is one of the reasons so many modern day relationships and marriages are off balance, we hear so much about 50 50 and making everything equal and fair, men and women now trip over one another to try and be equals in the relationship and for most men that means becoming more of a partner and sometimes roomate, because we are obsessed with equality, so men don't feel the desire or need to show presence or frame, they simply want to go along to get along with their wife or spouse, and this also means more and more women are living in the relationship with more masculine energy and so many men in their rush to do all things equal, never commanding or dominating a situation, then become more feminine in the relationship as well.
Also this is why often times a same sex relationship, such as two females together, have such an imbalance because relationships come down to the sexual dynamics and differences between the masculine and feminine energy, dominant vs passive, whose gonna be the strong assertive masculine energy when both partners are female? Of course two people are free to chose who they wish to love I'm not judging but main stream media would never allow this type of truth, the real differences between the sexes and how that affects relationship, society and traditional gender roles.
I agree with this message. As a woman. I like to be the adorer. I had an ex who would write me romantic adorations all the time and till now I did know why that was such a put off. Men!! it's better to be adored. Try to ignore her sometimes and her attraction for you will significantly increase.
Why didn't you reciprocate same to him?
@@alimishina5821 you can't force love
lol this is what happens when you try to override default settings
As the youngest sibling, I’ve always looked up to everyone I admire. So that’s probably why it feels weird being the adored even in platonic relationships
But I can see why it’s vital in romantic relationships
I've just found your channel and that's what I've been looking for a long time. A more calm and scientific approach to intersexual dynamics.
Here’s my test:
Ask your other “What do you like (or love) about me?”… and listen very close!
If they answer with reasons “why” they like or love you, they likely don’t adore you, and they may not even like you.
If your other can say quickly and convincingly “what” they like (or love) about you, they probably adore you.
"I love you because..."
=
reasons, rationale, benefits received, ways we "feel" because of the person;
"I love___about you..."
=
attributes, physical characteristics, strengths, values, and virtues that describe and define the person;
"Why" we love is the "effect" of the person;
"What" we love is "the person"
I always say that a woman must love a man more than he loves her for the relationship to be healthy.
The only time a man needs that is if he's planning on tagging along more than one woman which is good for him but very unhealthy for the community.
Only a selfish person would suggest this
@@steph6109 I practice polygyny and I'm responsible for more people than the average man or woman. Not sure how selfish comes into the picture... I'm not "tagging" along anyone. Also how is a man being responsible for more than one woman unhealthy for the community 🤔 Stop assuming.
@@thelogicalmoor8219 it’s interesting that she was able to identify the polygamous aspect of your lifestyle, through your original post: which was a short sentence.
I keep hearing the opposite for it to work. A man loving a woman more.
@@jaijai5250 my profile photo has a man with 2 wives, that's where she got it from.
... this was an insightful talk, indeed. what needs to be kept in mind though is the inherent impermanence of everything arising dependently on certain conditions or issues factoring in. contingencies of life (eg in profession or health) or relative growth in one part may well wreck the initial setting. another issue is that explicit adoration may well play as manipulative tactics - and the adored ends up totally exhausted over time.
Thanks for this insight. Things make more sense now. :) But what I find interesting from an adorer, there's a fear they aren't loved enough.
Holy crap, this concept is truly fascinating and something I've never heard before.
Thank you for this, I have learned this lesson but it took me years, I hope your message gets to the younger generation, I like the way you sum it up in a few minutes, not sure if I could have summed it up in an hour
I have gone through a very bad divorce (lost 70% of all my money and assets) but it is only really after watching this guy's videos are things actually making sense, e.g. men need to work hard/sacrifice to put themselves in the adored position, make sure your wife is not bored as you are robbing her of her emotional needs, relationships are a means to an end for women (e.g. they really want kids, resources, properties, lifestyle for IG, etc), do not invest all your money into 1 risky stock/wife, etc. This guys videos are actually amazingly accurate.
This is one I struggled with until I got into my 30’s. I had to reprogram my brain to pursue initially. Then back off entirely. It’s a dance that works best when you don’t have to pursue at all.
Many of your videos are so helpful and interesting. Thank you for providing them.
Another brilliant insight. In Plato, the "adorer" is a danger to the "adored." Here, you shown how the "adorer" is a danger to himself!
You sir have the most sensible information regarding men and women relationships . I have watched a lot of your videos I am subscribed to your Channel. Most are really tough and hard to swallow but they are truthful and that sometimes hurts. This one in particular is a gold nugget for me. I wish I had discovered you before I got my heart broken . I am a 59 y old man living in a foreign country to yours and EVERYTHING you say makes sense. Trying to find a good woman and keep her for the long run. Your education material will certainly help with my desire. Keep on bringing your knowledge, I am sure you are making a difference in a lot of people's lives. Thank you again! God bless
Wow this makes so much sense. I've experienced this personally where I would get turned off if I felt that I was being put on the pedestal. I couldn't understand it because it kind of goes against logic but the way you explain it makes a lot of sense, especially if you are a traditional woman who enjoys being in a traditional relationship where roles are clearly defined.