Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated program and the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. The world is full of people. If you can forge a genuine emotional connection with others, then that world will an exciting place full of potential friends, partners, and lovers. The key to making a connection with anyone is empathy. However, most people don't really understand what this means. In this episode, I will discuss what empathy really is using a concrete example, and how this principle might be applied in real world situations. Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California. Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others. See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations. Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com #relationship #connection #communication
This video is right on target. Emotions are powerful, politicians and news companies know this point very well. Just look at how almost all news stations know how to play on your emotions to get the responses they desire. Once they have gripped your emotions they can then push their bias news on you without you examining anything further. Hold up a dead baby to the camera, and the show is over. The news outlet has just hijacked your emotions and now they can shovel THEIR agenda down a wide open mouth.
I'm 84 years old and your video has made me realize all the opportunities I've missed to connect. It's touched me deeply. Now I'm going to endeavor to put this into practice. I thank you!
Despite the undenying graceousness of having empathy, it is not said that you are really understanding and helping, schon gar nicht salvating, the other person.
Maybe they don’t have empathy , I have friends who came to me wanting to help me claiming they were empaths and great listeners . They wouldn’t let you speak and change subjects and back to themselves all the time.
Sometimes I can't even relate to the situation someone is telling me about in thier life, but instead of being critical and passing judgement, I just listen to what they have to say and nothing more
Actually, I do use this a lot in my life. When someone is telling me about something they’re going through, I can relate to a difficulty or situation that made me feel the same way. However, I realize that when I bring up these situations or issues, I may be taking away from what they’re saying and that I technically don’t know how they feel because my situation is not the same as theirs and I’m just trying to relate instead of just listening
Coming to understand the underlying feeling internally and engaging a person through that feeling without being compelled to disclose how we got there would be sufficient, I think 😊
most of the time the words "i understand what youre going through" are really not what other people want to hear. sometimes its better to say nothing of the sorts or "i believe you"
I personally would never share a similar story when someone is having an emotional conversation with me. They're not looking for insight or a solution, they simply want to be heard and have their feelings validated. In practical terms, basically listen close and react with your face, while occasionally repeating back to them the key points with specifics (don't just say "I understand what you're going through", it's low effort). "So you felt underappreciated" or "I can see why that would make you happy!" or "So at the end of the day, you think they were out of line for saying that?"
This is excellent way of framing this theory. So whenever my girlfriend is talking about drama stuff. It's a door for me to go into her emotion realm. Instead of just listening as an outsider and offering suggestions on what to do to fix her problems.
Take it from a woman, we aren’t looking for you to fix a problem that we are being emotional about. We just want you to listen and be understanding. Just getting it off our chest and having someone listen with understanding is all that is needed. If you want to speak, the best thing is to say something like, “that is terrible or I agree, that is so unfair; is there is anything I can do to help, I am here for you?” Don’t offer any resolution unless asked to. You may not agree with the drama or overreaction you think is happening but don’t ever state that, or you will be toast! Lol
@jonathanwelke2968 - The word "drama stuff" signalled a caution in my mind. I don't know you or your girlfriend, and Just to be safe, make sure you're not nurturing an evil spirit that's trying to set in, and for any people in general, learn about and keep yourself aware of tactics of narcissism. Don't get sucked down into an "emotional realm". Be a man, wise man.
I practice forbearance when women do their interpersonal drama meltdown thing. Which is to say I daydream about pleasant or interesting things (remember that summer when Mark McGuire hit all those home runs, and then later it turned out to be fake because he was very obviously jacked on steroids the entire time, but everyone pretended they didn't notice and it was amazing while it was happening, and there wasn't even global warming yet, or 9/11, and we hadn't had a war in a while, so it was a beautiful innocent summer the likes of which we may never see again) and once in a while I say, "I'm really sorry that happened." And I mean it. I am sorry it happened. I'm just not sure what it is.
In the past few years I decided not to talk about myself much when someone was going through a rough time, because I'd feel I'm being narcissitic. But since I stopped doing that, and now after I watched this video, I'm starting to figure out why it used to be so much easier for me to connect with people. I will dwell on this. I love your content. Subscribed.
*Identify the emotion* Sad, anger, frustration from that situation. And intensify that emotion in you and imagine what is the best way that others can cope that with you. *Emotional Intelligence* This is the best way to understand woman as well as their behaviour is linked to their mood.
This is so true. Thanks! Empathy is the fuel of human connection. Coping with crisis is often considered from the individual's perspective. We have a need to be in contact with each other. We easily sense togetherness with like minded people. We can also feel connected to people with whom we have shared a significant experience.
Loved this!! For someone who has struggled his entire childhood and young adulthood with "connecting" with people I would always joke how understanding math was way easier than understanding people. But after this video, humans make alot more sense to me. Thanks a mil for all you do
I connect well with people and the key is to listen and adapt to them if necessary. Giving a little once in a while isn't going to kill people. Many people are so wrapped up in their own world they don't care about what others want. I'm also good at identifying this quality in others when they interact with me. These people are keepers and worth holding on to in life.
Yes Im a professor of clinical psychology and this is an apt description of empathy. I had it before my training....I could always hear the emotional content of what someone was saying....I think my early childhood depended on me navigating my parents and grandparents feelings....I learned to pay more attention to their moods and emotions than to content...most of this was positive but they were human so I knew when to ask for something and when to wait....
Putting yourself in someone else's shoes goes deeper then the provided definition. "In their shoes" is meant to refer to being in their life and context. In other words, if you were them. The issue is that most people are unable to fathom let alone perform that kind of projection.
@@ElowenFaye I have a tendency to answer questions way too precisely. For example: I live in the U.S., and when people here ask "where are you from?", they are usually referring to your state of origin. Now, I have an accent, so when strangers ask me this question, they could conceivably be referring to my country of origin instead. So usually I respond with "do you mean what country I'm from originally, or do you mean which state I am from?". This is not a good answer, as it breaks the flow of conversation, and they other person probably doesn't really care.
Sir, I have to say that this is easily one of the best pieces of information that I've ever been given. I can be a very matter-of-fact type of individual, and the insight that you have provided has allowed me to see how I may sometimes come across to people that I care about. I feel like you have greatly improved my emotional intelligence. Thank you.
I’m not a fan of the name of your channel-becasse I am skeptical about how anything “hacked” could be of lasting value, but your concrete example clearly illustrates how to have better empathy-thanks for this very valuable “hack.” I will be able to use this forever! Wow.
Remember! That´s exactly what I used to raise the better daughter anyone could wish for! I tried to remember how I felt or what were my desires and troubles at any age - this made me find out the best solutions to most all situations we´ve encountered - including times when I knew it would be better if my parents gave more limits or less - it really works!
Good words. I'd like to add that, while empathizing (relating) to the other person, you also want to avoid then telling that person that you know how they feel. You don't. You know how YOU MIGHT feel, if you were them. Instead, ask them how they feel, and listen from your empathetic perspective. Your expression will communicate your understanding of their situation. And their expression, and sense of being heard will bond the other person to you. Of course you, having already related to the other person, are already invested emotionally.
I also use this skill in my life and surely it works! When you understand them emotionally, the relationships become more positive. I agree that people will remember what they ‘feel’ towards you more than sticking to any conversation they have had with you.
Yes, I use this underlying ability to connect with anyone daily and teach it to other people. Very rewarding to learn and integrate into our everyday behavior
Some people who have experienced a lot of pain in their life are more likely to empathise with others in pain, because it's something they dealt with or still dealing with, and they understand it's effect on a person. They see another's pain and are more immediate in giving their support.
Hi! Yes, but…not. That depends on how they have processed the pain. If they have understood what happened, arrived to get over and go further, and that implies a conscient process, maybe yes. But if they remain in the same painful emotions in an unconscious or pour conscious level ( only with theirs thoughts and their level of understanding without support), they will tend to discharge all that tension and frustration on the others, in my humble opinion. It’s not black or white, but depend of each other’s intellectual and emotional maturity. ☺️🌞
For me, I can see clearly how another person will associate emotionally with a situation. Even if I know I could never feel the same. It's like there's sample personalities in my head and I can pick and choose which one is more appropriately aligned with the situation and person I'm dealing with.
you know this video actually is genius this really helped me! the idea of 'Go in with the approach I to have lost someone I love so I understand your pain - instead of oh you broke your toy I’m so sorry how can I fix it' is so amazing thank you for sharing I will take this with me and make this a habit!
This video on how to properly apply empathy in a responsible way has been an eye opener for me. Thank you for this. Now I finally understand why I'm far more liked as a sailing instructor/beach guard then as a regular person on the mainland. I train/advice people from my personal experience instead of from their experience, so that I would not alienate them. I say for example that it also took me more than 2 years to properly learn sailing, so just take it easy. Most people react massively more positive to this approach. And it's not manipulation, I don't know their story. I don't even know the full story of my best friends. So trying to change their story is actually more manipulative than just relating from my own perspective.
Great vid. I think empathy is a very vast topic and needs to be presented in different ways for the masses to get it. I've shared similar events with people who have opened up to me and it has formed strong connections. I don't understand why some people open up to others about their deeply painful past only to mistreat that person down the line or betray them disregarding what that person knows about them. Truly empathetic people struggle to repay evil with evil.
I've found myself using something close to this in discussion. I now understand it better and plan to utilize it in future relationships. Thank you, Doctor.
Good job! I try to separate basic projection (I know how I would feel in that moment) from true empathy, and I do teach as a skill or practice... not a magical personality type. Understanding is the key. Walking a mile in another man's shoes, not just stepping into them in that moment! The root of our emotions guide each of us - and those moments are given meaning by each of us, individually... seeking empathy means seeking understanding.
"... ideas tend to divide people and emotions tend to unite them" [05:14 to 016] - this is a great, profound, truth that cuts across multiple fields in today's world!! 😳😲🧐🤔 Not leastly, current affairs in the Middle East 😕
I agree, that must be why I was not feeling right about putting myself on someones shoes, because sometimes people care more about some things than others. Better trying to understand what the other person feel and linking with our past memories and emotions
I don't know what's going on, but there are at least 10 of your vids in my recommended list near the top and middle. Never seen that before. Whatever you're doing, it's working.
That's a great tip, thanks. I only recently realized I was not nearly as empathetic as I imagined myself to be and I'm trying to improve in that regard, but "how to be more empathetic" can be very ... fuzzy, unclear. This is very tangible advice which you can apply consciously/rationally and might help on the way to become more empathetic.
Gotcha, they may like the warm, sincere connection. You get to the "person I like" zone. Easy peazy. Though if they don't think you're highly competent in a high value skill/career you're not Respected. Charismatic people have that respect & aura of high value competency while connecting with authentic sincerity & warmth. I'm a blue collar guy with an everyday job, not even a career. I socialize with Engineers, Doctors & Lawyers in my faith community. I get the "genuinely like you" vibe from them. Though, I see the light go out in their eyes when I tell them my job, education, lack of travel, where I live etc.. For the opposite sex, I'm a ghost completely. Can definitely get a Dr.,Engineer, Lawyer to go out, have a great connection & spark. But the Charismatic Respect is not there so I'm at a plateau in a "friendly" zone.
I'm enjoying the content. Another good one. I listened to this because as a social person who enjoys making real connections with people I want to continue to sharpen my interpersonal skills. And so with this I learned something new. A new perspective on the true way to be empathetic. Great video!
I see. The key to forming a connection is not to put yourself in their shoes. You need to put yourself in a situation where you felt similar to what they felt.
Well.....I DID lose....like that little child a treasured "possession".... my husband of 55 1/2 yrs. passed away. It has been difficult and painful because suddenly I entered a world of "mastering human relationships"...... I had little modern social skills, and royally messed up a friendship w/ a man, whom I greatly admired, but barely knew....if that makes any sense!!! It's ok, God is in control, I know that, but I just want to say thank you for your counseling through your various talks. Thank you with all my ❤
I related to this example as a Veteran who has been in quite a bit of combat and stressful situations. Sometimes when I tell people that I'm a Veteran, they'll say something like -"yeah, I can identify with you, I was in ROTC. or I was in a car wreck, so I understand violence." Then they say something like "Veterans just need to suck it up and move on." They don't identify with me because they don't understand the gravity of the horror I've been through. in contrast, I will bond with another combat veteran very quickly. Emotions unite us. So, if they would say something more like "i may not have been in combat, but I have been exposed to horrific situations, maybe not as bad as yours, but still horrific"
Dude I just listened to sadhi I thinks her name, I found out that I want an emotional connection with women and not just sex self discipline is amazing
Unfortunately, though this sounds very reasonable, the fact of the matter is that I’ve tried this very strategy with the people in my life to very little effect. Specifically, I have a nephew who is having a number of issues in his life right now, mostly brought on by his own indifference or lack of attention, and have tried multiple means of getting through to him, including empathizing with his situation, having been young and having made plenty of mistakes myself (which I’ve repeatedly stressed to him). I’ve also tried to let him know that it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by life’s issues, but that the first step to resolving your problems is addressing them. None of it has moved the needle with him in the slightest, nor has all of the talks my brother has had with him. At this point, and after years of effort, I’m pretty resigned to throwing in the towel.
To be fair it sounds like you did exactly what the doctor told you not to do. The doctor explicitly says that you shouldn't focus on what superficially causes someone to feel that way. Instead you should focus on what makes YOU personally feel similar emotions. So, it will help you understand what the other person is really going through. By saying "I also was young", you've basically did the equivalent of, "My toys have also broken as a child. You grow older and it matters less. Get over it kid."
Agreed with Onee, as you, Michael, are still operating from your perspective telling the person and persuading vs. giving voice to how it must be for them with an agenda to stay humble and try to understand their perspective and give voice to it (not having it be focused on your life experience so much as their experience being voiced regardless of your life experience).
I think this may be part of why I struggle with connecting with people generally. I see things too much like a computer would. I can empathize with people if I see their point. But a lot of the time, when people tell me why they're angry or disappointed, I catch the part of their story where their logic went away and think, "I get why you feel that way, but here's where you went wrong, so you're kinda bringing this upon yourself." I don't say that last part aloud, but I know I'm thinking it, while I'm also thinking, "I like and don't want to see you like this, so I want to give you a potential solution." I struggle to be empathetically angry or disappointed with someone when I feel like they could have avoided the situation with a little more brainpower, thought and logic (and maybe a little, or a lot, less emotion). Maybe this is part of my problem generally. I am considered to be a great problem solver. People come to me for knowledge or with questions. I rarely feel the need to ask much of anyone else. But I struggle to make friends or form close bonds. Emotions feel like wasted time to me. Let's find a solution rather than feel feelings. I don't think I'd be as cold as in Orion's toy example. But I do think I'd jump to "Let's fix that toy" or "Let's go to the toy store" real fast. I don't even like feeling my own feelings. I'd be anxious and depressed a lot if I did. My coping mechanism is thinking, figuring out solutions and taking action. I often say I like computers and programming better than dealing with humans. Computers are distinct. The program runs or has an error, no in-between, and is not dependent on mood. I like that consistency. I also like that I don't have to theoretically shut off my brain and try and relate to the emotions of a situation that has a solution that, when implemented, always you to move on to thinking about our doing something that makes you happier, rather than, "Oh, you feel bad? I feel bad sometimes, too. We can feel bad together for a while." Nah, I want to help you out of that ASAP. Life's too short to wallow yourself, much less with or for anyone else.
I’ve been emotionally neglected my whole childhood and as I’m approaching 40 I feel lost in the woods a lot because this realization only came to me a couple of years ago. I’m making progress but it’s sloow.
I'm thinking the best way to really understand a person is to be slow to act and instead try to really switch position in the moment and seethrough the child's eye.
I find your insights captivating. I could easily binge on your content for hours. However, I try to take each one in, digest it and see can if I can apply it.
5:15 “Ideas tend to divide people and emotions tend to unite them” That’s a little simplistic. America is one of the most religious and also most emotional (outwardly at least) countries in the West and also the most divided and unable to have civil communication. Emotions are a double edged sword. “Communication” and “authenticity” are much more universally valuable skills for forming friendships. People who concentrate on “empathy” and “emotions” tend to lose their authenticity and become people pleasers in my experience. Those should come naturally if you’re authentic....and a whole lot of people aren’t. It’s putting the cart before the horse. Good communication skills seem to not be given the sacred status in our culture that “emotions” are given. An person “in touch” with their emotions who can’t communicate them has achieved nothing. While people do argue about ideas and can feel immediate emotional connection, that “immediacy” is dangerous as well. Dictators use peoples emotions to divide them - their rhetoric may be couched in terms of “ideas” by the dynamics and are always emotional manipulation and appeal to our past experience. The thing that bugs me about my fellow Americans is the glorification and sanctification (almost religious) of “emotions” and “tapping into” them. Emotions might mean a lot to us on a personal level but when we enter into interpersonal dynamics with others communication is really criminally underrated. In fact women are told their emotionality is their “strength”. I find it ridiculous and condescending .Inability to control emotions makes communicate much more difficult and prioritizing emotions over communication makes living authentically much more difficult.
The idea of putting “empathy” over communication and authenticity as a force for good in interpersonal relationships is I hope a thing of the past. Growing up in the 80s in California many of the teachers had this methodical scientific to obsession with “making the world better - through “data science and logic”. The hysterical obsessive utilitarianism and micromanagement of everyone’s personal lives to “make the world a better place” sometimes does just the opposite. Sometimes it’s not that complicated. Just say what you mean, and be honest with yourself about what you want. Basic country wisdom, yet eternal and truly untapped in our culture of modern progressive hysteria of rewriting improving upon and overthinking everything. People who aren’t authentic and honest have a very shallow kind of empathy. Empathy should be grounded in authenticity.
Amazing, simply amazing advise, and most of your content if not all of your content seems to be towards relationship, but I'm applying this behavior in my business, sales. Thanks buddy!
People who don’t experience intense biochemical feedback (intense emotions) from heart wrenching stories or scenarios with others are looked at by psychology as somehow “broken” or pathologized. I think that is an incredibly unproductive way to look at things. Some people just see the world through more practical goggles and some have seem so much pain their threshold is so high they’re effectively immune. That doesn’t mean they don’t care the same (or even more) in many cases about the pain of others. I come from an astrology background and learning about the differences between “earth” and “water” elements made so much more sense than psychology to me. In fact the moralizing influence of Psychology is so prevalent in American culture that earth signs (virgo cap taurus) are in fact seen almost as psychopathic by other signs. A bigotry toward unexpressive more tempered people is very prevalent in the West and the US - ironically since we are one of the most scientifically oriented and logical cultures. Maybe it’s just compensation for our hyper rational logical enlightenment influenced part...I’m not sure. It’s very bigoted and irrational.
Great video! This is the kind of information people need. Not videos demonizing women or men for how they are, just genuine advice on how to grow and be better. I will take this information with me forever.
Regarding empathizing. Great advice. I will have to work on my memory speed because listening to the person, searching my memory bank for a similar situation and then framing the response properly might take too much time to be effective.
Good points here. Will try to use this consciously. Thank you! There is probably a limit to where this can take us, though. How could men ever understand the underlying all consuming fear in women's every day lives. They just have no idea. And then menstrual pain, plus the shift in how yourself, your body, your skin, digestion, and countless things in the outer world, feel so very different from day to day during hormonal cycles, they have no idea. Male gaze, they have no idea. They just imagine women go through "a lot of emotion" just like that. Men give us such a puzzled look. I dont believe they have anything in their own world to compare it to. Male hierarchy, male respect, tunnel vision, serotonine and testosterone levels for a man - what that truly feels like to experience and to navigate, women have no idea. Here, we might have to tell stories in such captivating ways that we can get a sense of what it must be like for someone to experience something like this. I don't think male and female basic experiences of situations compare enough to connect us through finding each others emotions in ourselves.
I'm more cerebral than emotional. I'm not a cold fish, but I have always placed facts and logic far above emotions. Unfortunately, my face is very easy to read, so if I don't like someone, if I'm uncomfortable, most people can see that. So I have to truly feel and think a certain way in order to convey positive emotion. But I've never heard this before - connecting emotionally even when I think someone's emotional reaction to something is too much. I'm going to ponder this.
Quite an interesting and insightful concept, and it very much makes sense. The talk about connecting on the level of emotions is something I have encountered. However, this also means that the key is to see through the facade and read another person's emotions anyway, and I feel like this is more decisive. You don't necessarily have to empathize after you focus on and understand another person's emotions, after all. I suppose that's how conmen and psychopaths operate... Coldly reading people.
I enjoyed the content. Thanks for sharing! I also connect well with some people: my family, childhood friends, etc. I also enjoy finding new circle of people from around the world. I think it's good for sharing life stories and ideas with others and not just in the same circle and someday you will think it's worth it because you'll learn something new. I've seen many people who are so wrapped up in their own world they dont care about others' lives.
I agree with the approach, to find a comparable situation in your own past/life and remembering how you feel in order to empathize. This leads to true empathy. I try to practice this, however, sometimes I am still on the path of aiming to be right or just getting the problem solved, and thus not empathetic. However, I love to hear your statement, because a lot of people are projecting their own feeling onto others and believe that the same solutions working for them, would solve also the problems of others. But I understand them anyway, since I also had a period in my life when I did this. 😆😅
It's not just skills that you need you also have to have the ability to do so and this is one of the major problems of most individuals with autism and Asperger's Syndrome how the biggest problems with and this is going to be very dangerous for people like ourselves in the long run if we fail to make connections with people the consequences are severe and I should know for myself.
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Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated program and the world's only empirically-validated GRE test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com.
The world is full of people. If you can forge a genuine emotional connection with others, then that world will an exciting place full of potential friends, partners, and lovers. The key to making a connection with anyone is empathy. However, most people don't really understand what this means. In this episode, I will discuss what empathy really is using a concrete example, and how this principle might be applied in real world situations.
Orion is a licensed psychologist in the state of California.
Podcast available of Spotify, Instagram, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts and others.
See the "About" tab for more information on donations and consultations.
Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com
#relationship #connection #communication
i like being a schizoid
empathy to me looks like a suckers game
This video is right on target. Emotions are powerful, politicians and news companies know this point very well.
Just look at how almost all news stations know how to play on your emotions to get the responses they desire. Once they have gripped your emotions they can then push their bias news on you without you examining anything further.
Hold up a dead baby to the camera, and the show is over. The news outlet has just hijacked your emotions and now they can shovel THEIR agenda down a wide open mouth.
To sum it up, people don’t remember things you say only how you make them feel.
Thank you
Right
-Maya Angelou
not really sum up, I understand that, but what emotion should we make to connect with people
@@guitar300k the ones you feel?
Connecting with people should be an authentic process I believe.
"Ideas divide people, emotions unite them" wow 😮
True
I'm 84 years old and your video has made me realize all the opportunities I've missed to connect. It's touched me deeply. Now I'm going to endeavor to put this into practice. I thank you!
I HOPE YOU ENJOY THE REST OF YOUR DAY
@@kennymann55 well your comment touched me 🤗
@@MultiVission Well to be honest I felt like you were making fun of him
That beautiful connection we form with someone when they feel seen, heard, and valued. You've put it so succinctly here.
Despite the undenying graceousness of having empathy, it is not said that you are really understanding and helping, schon gar nicht salvating, the other person.
Maybe they don’t have empathy , I have friends who came to me wanting to help me claiming they were empaths and great listeners . They wouldn’t let you speak and change subjects and back to themselves all the time.
Sometimes I can't even relate to the situation someone is telling me about in thier life, but instead of being critical and passing judgement, I just listen to what they have to say and nothing more
Actually, I do use this a lot in my life. When someone is telling me about something they’re going through, I can relate to a difficulty or situation that made me feel the same way. However, I realize that when I bring up these situations or issues, I may be taking away from what they’re saying and that I technically don’t know how they feel because my situation is not the same as theirs and I’m just trying to relate instead of just listening
Yes, if we're not careful we're just looking for a way to turn everything into being about us.
Coming to understand the underlying feeling internally and engaging a person through that feeling without being compelled to disclose how we got there would be sufficient, I think 😊
most of the time the words "i understand what youre going through" are really not what other people want to hear. sometimes its better to say nothing of the sorts or "i believe you"
Maybe think about what you wanted to hear when you felt the same way and say it to the person.
I personally would never share a similar story when someone is having an emotional conversation with me. They're not looking for insight or a solution, they simply want to be heard and have their feelings validated. In practical terms, basically listen close and react with your face, while occasionally repeating back to them the key points with specifics (don't just say "I understand what you're going through", it's low effort).
"So you felt underappreciated" or "I can see why that would make you happy!" or "So at the end of the day, you think they were out of line for saying that?"
This is excellent way of framing this theory. So whenever my girlfriend is talking about drama stuff. It's a door for me to go into her emotion realm. Instead of just listening as an outsider and offering suggestions on what to do to fix her problems.
Take it from a woman, we aren’t looking for you to fix a problem that we are being emotional about. We just want you to listen and be understanding. Just getting it off our chest and having someone listen with understanding is all that is needed. If you want to speak, the best thing is to say something like, “that is terrible or I agree, that is so unfair; is there is anything I can do to help, I am here for you?” Don’t offer any resolution unless asked to. You may not agree with the drama or overreaction you think is happening but don’t ever state that, or you will be toast! Lol
Yes. This is excellent way of framing this theory, but you lose frame when you do that.
@jonathanwelke2968 - The word "drama stuff" signalled a caution in my mind.
I don't know you or your girlfriend, and Just to be safe, make sure you're not nurturing an evil spirit that's trying to set in, and for any people in general, learn about and keep yourself aware of tactics of narcissism. Don't get sucked down into an "emotional realm". Be a man, wise man.
@@mtlicq It's crazy how 34 people, most of whom may happen to be men, have liked his comment so far !
I practice forbearance when women do their interpersonal drama meltdown thing. Which is to say I daydream about pleasant or interesting things (remember that summer when Mark McGuire hit all those home runs, and then later it turned out to be fake because he was very obviously jacked on steroids the entire time, but everyone pretended they didn't notice and it was amazing while it was happening, and there wasn't even global warming yet, or 9/11, and we hadn't had a war in a while, so it was a beautiful innocent summer the likes of which we may never see again) and once in a while I say, "I'm really sorry that happened." And I mean it. I am sorry it happened. I'm just not sure what it is.
In the past few years I decided not to talk about myself much when someone was going through a rough time, because I'd feel I'm being narcissitic. But since I stopped doing that, and now after I watched this video, I'm starting to figure out why it used to be so much easier for me to connect with people.
I will dwell on this. I love your content. Subscribed.
*Identify the emotion*
Sad, anger, frustration from that situation.
And intensify that emotion in you and imagine what is the best way that others can cope that with you.
*Emotional Intelligence*
This is the best way to understand woman as well as their behaviour is linked to their mood.
thats the problem !!
@@roadwarrior7401 No. It is your problem or challenge that you do not like women. Perhaps you are gay?
Empathy has been a thorn in my life
This is so true. Thanks! Empathy is the fuel of human connection. Coping with crisis is often considered from the individual's perspective. We have a need to be in contact with each other. We easily sense togetherness with like minded people. We can also feel connected to people with whom we have shared a significant experience.
Loved this!! For someone who has struggled his entire childhood and young adulthood with "connecting" with people I would always joke how understanding math was way easier than understanding people. But after this video, humans make alot more sense to me. Thanks a mil for all you do
I connect well with people and the key is to listen and adapt to them if necessary. Giving a little once in a while isn't going to kill people. Many people are so wrapped up in their own world they don't care about what others want. I'm also good at identifying this quality in others when they interact with me. These people are keepers and worth holding on to in life.
Yes Im a professor of clinical psychology and this is an apt description of empathy. I had it before my training....I could always hear the emotional content of what someone was saying....I think my early childhood depended on me navigating my parents and grandparents feelings....I learned to pay more attention to their moods and emotions than to content...most of this was positive but they were human so I knew when to ask for something and when to wait....
kids NEVER manipulate their parents ;-)
Putting yourself in someone else's shoes goes deeper then the provided definition. "In their shoes" is meant to refer to being in their life and context. In other words, if you were them. The issue is that most people are unable to fathom let alone perform that kind of projection.
This is the most profound information I've learned in a long time.
So it's about listening carefully to what they say but not the superficial idea, rather the emotion
This is so spot on. I do this automatically, but several people close to me are even worse at it than you described.
That's real good. I do the other thing automatically, i.e. analyze every word scientifically. I'll have to try very hard to change.
@@jackm.1628 Can you make an example what you mean with analyzing every word scientifically? I'm just curious :)
@@ElowenFaye I have a tendency to answer questions way too precisely.
For example: I live in the U.S., and when people here ask "where are you from?", they are usually referring to your state of origin. Now, I have an accent, so when strangers ask me this question, they could conceivably be referring to my country of origin instead. So usually I respond with "do you mean what country I'm from originally, or do you mean which state I am from?". This is not a good answer, as it breaks the flow of conversation, and they other person probably doesn't really care.
This is the best explanation of being empathic that I have ever heard. Thank you so much. And now I understand what emotional connection is as well.
Sir, I have to say that this is easily one of the best pieces of information that I've ever been given. I can be a very matter-of-fact type of individual, and the insight that you have provided has allowed me to see how I may sometimes come across to people that I care about. I feel like you have greatly improved my emotional intelligence. Thank you.
I appreciate the contribution you're making to the world, and I gotta say you're good at offering life changing perspectives.
Truly!
I’m not a fan of the name of your channel-becasse I am skeptical about how anything “hacked” could be of lasting value, but your concrete example clearly illustrates how to have better empathy-thanks for this very valuable “hack.” I will be able to use this forever! Wow.
Remember! That´s exactly what I used to raise the better daughter anyone could wish for! I tried to remember how I felt or what were my desires and troubles at any age - this made me find out the best solutions to most all situations we´ve encountered - including times when I knew it would be better if my parents gave more limits or less - it really works!
Bro.. that sweatshirt: 🔥🔥🔥
Good words. I'd like to add that, while empathizing (relating) to the other person, you also want to avoid then telling that person that you know how they feel. You don't. You know how YOU MIGHT feel, if you were them. Instead, ask them how they feel, and listen from your empathetic perspective. Your expression will communicate your understanding of their situation. And their expression, and sense of being heard will bond the other person to you. Of course you, having already related to the other person, are already invested emotionally.
I also use this skill in my life and surely it works! When you understand them emotionally, the relationships become more positive. I agree that people will remember what they ‘feel’ towards you more than sticking to any conversation they have had with you.
Yes, I use this underlying ability to connect with anyone daily and teach it to other people. Very rewarding to learn and integrate into our everyday behavior
Some people who have experienced a lot of pain in their life are more likely to empathise with others in pain, because it's something they dealt with or still dealing with, and they understand it's effect on a person. They see another's pain and are more immediate in giving their support.
Hi! Yes, but…not. That depends on how they have processed the pain. If they have understood what happened, arrived to get over and go further, and that implies a conscient process, maybe yes. But if they remain in the same painful emotions in an unconscious or pour conscious level ( only with theirs thoughts and their level of understanding without support), they will tend to discharge all that tension and frustration on the others, in my humble opinion. It’s not black or white, but depend of each other’s intellectual and emotional maturity. ☺️🌞
@@gabrielamarton7168 Like I said, 'Some people', of course there are variables in all situations.
Or make them numb
Damn!! That’s one hell of a shift in thinking. You have some fantastic insights. Thank you 🙏
For me, I can see clearly how another person will associate emotionally with a situation. Even if I know I could never feel the same. It's like there's sample personalities in my head and I can pick and choose which one is more appropriately aligned with the situation and person I'm dealing with.
I have emotional negect trauma and watch videos like this make me feel discoverering a new world. ..
you know this video actually is genius this really helped me! the idea of 'Go in with the approach I to have lost someone I love so I understand your pain - instead of oh you broke your toy I’m so sorry how can I fix it' is so amazing thank you for sharing I will take this with me and make this a habit!
This video on how to properly apply empathy in a responsible way has been an eye opener for me. Thank you for this.
Now I finally understand why I'm far more liked as a sailing instructor/beach guard then as a regular person on the mainland.
I train/advice people from my personal experience instead of from their experience, so that I would not alienate them. I say for example that it also took me more than 2 years to properly learn sailing, so just take it easy. Most people react massively more positive to this approach. And it's not manipulation, I don't know their story. I don't even know the full story of my best friends. So trying to change their story is actually more manipulative than just relating from my own perspective.
Great vid. I think empathy is a very vast topic and needs to be presented in different ways for the masses to get it.
I've shared similar events with people who have opened up to me and it has formed strong connections. I don't understand why some people open up to others about their deeply painful past only to mistreat that person down the line or betray them disregarding what that person knows about them.
Truly empathetic people struggle to repay evil with evil.
So Happy I discovered this Channel. Thank God for bringing this Channel my way.
I've found myself using something close to this in discussion. I now understand it better and plan to utilize it in future relationships. Thank you, Doctor.
The best explanation of empathy I have heard. Made so much sense. Much gratitude Dr. Orion
This is a real G. Will be supporting your work you go beyond the cliche and provide in-depth value. It is evident that you do do your homework.
Good job! I try to separate basic projection (I know how I would feel in that moment) from true empathy, and I do teach as a skill or practice... not a magical personality type.
Understanding is the key.
Walking a mile in another man's shoes, not just stepping into them in that moment!
The root of our emotions guide each of us - and those moments are given meaning by each of us, individually... seeking empathy means seeking understanding.
"... ideas tend to divide people and emotions tend to unite them" [05:14 to 016] - this is a great, profound, truth that cuts across multiple fields in today's world!! 😳😲🧐🤔 Not leastly, current affairs in the Middle East 😕
This guy is witty! He has great communication skills..
Man, that's good information! 💯
Oh wow! Thank you for bringing this perspective to what and how to show empathy ❤. Enjoy the rest of your day 😊
I agree, that must be why I was not feeling right about putting myself on someones shoes, because sometimes people care more about some things than others. Better trying to understand what the other person feel and linking with our past memories and emotions
Sparring verbally instead of physically is a good a advice in almost any conflict.
This is probably the most helpful video on relationships I’ve ever seen.
I think this could be a great key. I thought that I understood empathy but I definitely learned something from this video. Thank you Dr. Tarragon.
I don't know what's going on, but there are at least 10 of your vids in my recommended list near the top and middle. Never seen that before. Whatever you're doing, it's working.
WoW. That's really clear and helpful.
I'll remember to do this. Thankyou
That's a great tip, thanks. I only recently realized I was not nearly as empathetic as I imagined myself to be and I'm trying to improve in that regard, but "how to be more empathetic" can be very ... fuzzy, unclear. This is very tangible advice which you can apply consciously/rationally and might help on the way to become more empathetic.
Wow: Ideas tend to divide people, emotions tend to unite them
Gotcha, they may like the warm, sincere connection. You get to the "person I like" zone. Easy peazy. Though if they don't think you're highly competent in a high value skill/career you're not Respected. Charismatic people have that respect & aura of high value competency while connecting with authentic sincerity & warmth. I'm a blue collar guy with an everyday job, not even a career. I socialize with Engineers, Doctors & Lawyers in my faith community. I get the "genuinely like you" vibe from them. Though, I see the light go out in their eyes when I tell them my job, education, lack of travel, where I live etc.. For the opposite sex, I'm a ghost completely. Can definitely get a Dr.,Engineer, Lawyer to go out, have a great connection & spark. But the Charismatic Respect is not there so I'm at a plateau in a "friendly" zone.
Your content is extremely helpful thank you!!
It's ironic that hearing people is about not really paying attention to what they're saying, and to focus on what they are feeling.
Making connections is easy wanting to be friends or spend time with those people is a whole different story
This channel really be dropping bangers consistently
I'm enjoying the content. Another good one. I listened to this because as a social person who enjoys making real connections with people I want to continue to sharpen my interpersonal skills. And so with this I learned something new. A new perspective on the true way to be empathetic. Great video!
I see. The key to forming a connection is not to put yourself in their shoes. You need to put yourself in a situation where you felt similar to what they felt.
Psychology is absolutely incredible.
This definitely requires a shift in mindset. I have not found anything that teaches this better than Marshall Rosenberg’s non-violent communication
Thanks!
Well.....I DID lose....like that little child a treasured "possession".... my husband of 55 1/2 yrs. passed away. It has been difficult and painful because suddenly I entered a world of "mastering human relationships"...... I had little modern social skills, and royally messed up a friendship w/ a man, whom I greatly admired, but barely knew....if that makes any sense!!! It's ok, God is in control, I know that, but I just want to say thank you for your counseling through your various talks. Thank you with all my ❤
Now I understand why emotionally shallow people can hurt others so deeply.
I related to this example as a Veteran who has been in quite a bit of combat and stressful situations. Sometimes when I tell people that I'm a Veteran, they'll say something like -"yeah, I can identify with you, I was in ROTC. or I was in a car wreck, so I understand violence." Then they say something like "Veterans just need to suck it up and move on." They don't identify with me because they don't understand the gravity of the horror I've been through. in contrast, I will bond with another combat veteran very quickly. Emotions unite us. So, if they would say something more like "i may not have been in combat, but I have been exposed to horrific situations, maybe not as bad as yours, but still horrific"
Thank you. I will try to remember this and go through that door of empathy in a new way.
Dude I just listened to sadhi I thinks her name, I found out that I want an emotional connection with women and not just sex self discipline is amazing
You just described the difference between empathy and sympathy.
Unfortunately, though this sounds very reasonable, the fact of the matter is that I’ve tried this very strategy with the people in my life to very little effect. Specifically, I have a nephew who is having a number of issues in his life right now, mostly brought on by his own indifference or lack of attention, and have tried multiple means of getting through to him, including empathizing with his situation, having been young and having made plenty of mistakes myself (which I’ve repeatedly stressed to him). I’ve also tried to let him know that it’s easy to feel overwhelmed by life’s issues, but that the first step to resolving your problems is addressing them. None of it has moved the needle with him in the slightest, nor has all of the talks my brother has had with him. At this point, and after years of effort, I’m pretty resigned to throwing in the towel.
To be fair it sounds like you did exactly what the doctor told you not to do. The doctor explicitly says that you shouldn't focus on what superficially causes someone to feel that way. Instead you should focus on what makes YOU personally feel similar emotions. So, it will help you understand what the other person is really going through. By saying "I also was young", you've basically did the equivalent of, "My toys have also broken as a child. You grow older and it matters less. Get over it kid."
Agreed with Onee, as you, Michael, are still operating from your perspective telling the person and persuading vs. giving voice to how it must be for them with an agenda to stay humble and try to understand their perspective and give voice to it (not having it be focused on your life experience so much as their experience being voiced regardless of your life experience).
Damn dude, this is so well put together and well explained. True g for letting it be free 🎩
I think this may be part of why I struggle with connecting with people generally. I see things too much like a computer would.
I can empathize with people if I see their point. But a lot of the time, when people tell me why they're angry or disappointed, I catch the part of their story where their logic went away and think, "I get why you feel that way, but here's where you went wrong, so you're kinda bringing this upon yourself." I don't say that last part aloud, but I know I'm thinking it, while I'm also thinking, "I like and don't want to see you like this, so I want to give you a potential solution." I struggle to be empathetically angry or disappointed with someone when I feel like they could have avoided the situation with a little more brainpower, thought and logic (and maybe a little, or a lot, less emotion).
Maybe this is part of my problem generally. I am considered to be a great problem solver. People come to me for knowledge or with questions. I rarely feel the need to ask much of anyone else. But I struggle to make friends or form close bonds. Emotions feel like wasted time to me. Let's find a solution rather than feel feelings.
I don't think I'd be as cold as in Orion's toy example. But I do think I'd jump to "Let's fix that toy" or "Let's go to the toy store" real fast. I don't even like feeling my own feelings. I'd be anxious and depressed a lot if I did. My coping mechanism is thinking, figuring out solutions and taking action.
I often say I like computers and programming better than dealing with humans. Computers are distinct. The program runs or has an error, no in-between, and is not dependent on mood. I like that consistency. I also like that I don't have to theoretically shut off my brain and try and relate to the emotions of a situation that has a solution that, when implemented, always you to move on to thinking about our doing something that makes you happier, rather than, "Oh, you feel bad? I feel bad sometimes, too. We can feel bad together for a while." Nah, I want to help you out of that ASAP. Life's too short to wallow yourself, much less with or for anyone else.
I’ve been emotionally neglected my whole childhood and as I’m approaching 40 I feel lost in the woods a lot because this realization only came to me a couple of years ago. I’m making progress but it’s sloow.
I'm thinking the best way to really understand a person is to be slow to act and instead try to really switch position in the moment and seethrough the child's eye.
I find your insights captivating. I could easily binge on your content for hours. However, I try to take each one in, digest it and see can if I can apply it.
This sounds great and is great information intellectually once you give one to three examples to solidify the principles of my mind
So relate to people on an emotional level
I see what you mean. Normally the inside-out sweater would perplex me, but today I find it bold and a bit funny.
This channel is 24k gold.
This is actually very useful information. Love your videos.
That is master-class stuff at the highest level. Seriously. And I really want that sweater.
5:15 “Ideas tend to divide people and emotions tend to unite them” That’s a little simplistic. America is one of the most religious and also most emotional (outwardly at least) countries in the West and also the most divided and unable to have civil communication. Emotions are a double edged sword. “Communication” and “authenticity” are much more universally valuable skills for forming friendships. People who concentrate on “empathy” and “emotions” tend to lose their authenticity and become people pleasers in my experience. Those should come naturally if you’re authentic....and a whole lot of people aren’t. It’s putting the cart before the horse. Good communication skills seem to not be given the sacred status in our culture that “emotions” are given. An person “in touch” with their emotions who can’t communicate them has achieved nothing. While people do argue about ideas and can feel immediate emotional connection, that “immediacy” is dangerous as well. Dictators use peoples emotions to divide them - their rhetoric may be couched in terms of “ideas” by the dynamics and are always emotional manipulation and appeal to our past experience. The thing that bugs me about my fellow Americans is the glorification and sanctification (almost religious) of “emotions” and “tapping into” them. Emotions might mean a lot to us on a personal level but when we enter into interpersonal dynamics with others communication is really criminally underrated. In fact women are told their emotionality is their “strength”. I find it ridiculous and condescending .Inability to control emotions makes communicate much more difficult and prioritizing emotions over communication makes living authentically much more difficult.
The idea of putting “empathy” over communication and authenticity as a force for good in interpersonal relationships is I hope a thing of the past. Growing up in the 80s in California many of the teachers had this methodical scientific to obsession with “making the world better - through “data science and logic”. The hysterical obsessive utilitarianism and micromanagement of everyone’s personal lives to “make the world a better place” sometimes does just the opposite. Sometimes it’s not that complicated. Just say what you mean, and be honest with yourself about what you want. Basic country wisdom, yet eternal and truly untapped in our culture of modern progressive hysteria of rewriting improving upon and overthinking everything. People who aren’t authentic and honest have a very shallow kind of empathy. Empathy should be grounded in authenticity.
Amazing, simply amazing advise, and most of your content if not all of your content seems to be towards relationship, but I'm applying this behavior in my business, sales. Thanks buddy!
Ideas Divide, Emotions Unite
Use this all the time as I reach out and counsel. Well explained sir.
It makes absolute sense.
People who don’t experience intense biochemical feedback (intense emotions) from heart wrenching stories or scenarios with others are looked at by psychology as somehow “broken” or pathologized. I think that is an incredibly unproductive way to look at things. Some people just see the world through more practical goggles and some have seem so much pain their threshold is so high they’re effectively immune. That doesn’t mean they don’t care the same (or even more) in many cases about the pain of others. I come from an astrology background and learning about the differences between “earth” and “water” elements made so much more sense than psychology to me. In fact the moralizing influence of Psychology is so prevalent in American culture that earth signs (virgo cap taurus) are in fact seen almost as psychopathic by other signs. A bigotry toward unexpressive more tempered people is very prevalent in the West and the US - ironically since we are one of the most scientifically oriented and logical cultures. Maybe it’s just compensation for our hyper rational logical enlightenment influenced part...I’m not sure. It’s very bigoted and irrational.
Interesting. Im didnt even realise why im so stoic and unanimated compared to the average person. Im a taurus.
Great video! This is the kind of information people need. Not videos demonizing women or men for how they are, just genuine advice on how to grow and be better. I will take this information with me forever.
Regarding empathizing. Great advice. I will have to work on my memory speed because listening to the person, searching my memory bank for a similar situation and then framing the response properly might take too much time to be effective.
The key to empathy is responding to the emotional reaction, not the context. You are not problem-solving, you are making a connection.
What a wonderful technique. So insightful and so clearly presented.
Good points here. Will try to use this consciously. Thank you!
There is probably a limit to where this can take us, though. How could men ever understand the underlying all consuming fear in women's every day lives. They just have no idea.
And then menstrual pain, plus the shift in how yourself, your body, your skin, digestion, and countless things in the outer world, feel so very different from day to day during hormonal cycles, they have no idea. Male gaze, they have no idea. They just imagine women go through "a lot of emotion" just like that. Men give us such a puzzled look. I dont believe they have anything in their own world to compare it to.
Male hierarchy, male respect, tunnel vision, serotonine and testosterone levels for a man - what that truly feels like to experience and to navigate, women have no idea.
Here, we might have to tell stories in such captivating ways that we can get a sense of what it must be like for someone to experience something like this. I don't think male and female basic experiences of situations compare enough to connect us through finding each others emotions in ourselves.
I like seeing your acting skills when you acted out the emotions
This is a really good observation.... ideas and words divide, emotions unite.
I'm more cerebral than emotional. I'm not a cold fish, but I have always placed facts and logic far above emotions. Unfortunately, my face is very easy to read, so if I don't like someone, if I'm uncomfortable, most people can see that. So I have to truly feel and think a certain way in order to convey positive emotion. But I've never heard this before - connecting emotionally even when I think someone's emotional reaction to something is too much. I'm going to ponder this.
Quite an interesting and insightful concept, and it very much makes sense. The talk about connecting on the level of emotions is something I have encountered.
However, this also means that the key is to see through the facade and read another person's emotions anyway, and I feel like this is more decisive. You don't necessarily have to empathize after you focus on and understand another person's emotions, after all. I suppose that's how conmen and psychopaths operate... Coldly reading people.
I enjoyed the content. Thanks for sharing!
I also connect well with some people: my family, childhood friends, etc. I also enjoy finding new circle of people from around the world. I think it's good for sharing life stories and ideas with others and not just in the same circle and someday you will think it's worth it because you'll learn something new. I've seen many people who are so wrapped up in their own world they dont care about others' lives.
I like Orion in the sky, which is now to be seen, and you ! I do not want to miss any of you !
An object that can be repaired, or replaced is not the same as a loss of an object that can't be repaired or replaced.
I agree with the approach, to find a comparable situation in your own past/life and remembering how you feel in order to empathize. This leads to true empathy. I try to practice this, however, sometimes I am still on the path of aiming to be right or just getting the problem solved, and thus not empathetic. However, I love to hear your statement, because a lot of people are projecting their own feeling onto others and believe that the same solutions working for them, would solve also the problems of others. But I understand them anyway, since I also had a period in my life when I did this. 😆😅
Awesome advice and a really cool sweater as well !
It's not just skills that you need you also have to have the ability to do so and this is one of the major problems of most individuals with autism and Asperger's Syndrome how the biggest problems with and this is going to be very dangerous for people like ourselves in the long run if we fail to make connections with people the consequences are severe and I should know for myself.