You mentioning he's make you feel childish, ridiculous and silly for liking the things that you like made me chuckle. I live with an abusive family member and one of the things I started doing when I got officially diagnosed (long before my family even knew about it) was try to start to unmask and embracing my special interests - and some of those are quite literally things you associate with little kids (like coloring books and plushies). As soon as my abusive family member took notice, she started making jokes and trying to embarrass me in front of other family members, my friends, and even total strangers. However, for the first time in my life, I fought back in a way I never had before - by engaging with those things even more and self-advocating. I'd say things like "Yeah, I sleep with a plushie next to my pillow, so what? Clearly you could use one yourself if you're so jealous about it that you need to make fun of it" and it backfired pretty quickly for her because everyone outside of my family that she would tried to embarrass me in front of would take my side and defend me from her. And, even within my family, everyone got sick and tired of her jokes pretty quickly. So I was just left alone to be as childish as I wanted to and I am way happier now than I ever was when I was a child and proud of myself for standing up to her.
I thought my grandma was loving and caring when she was SAing me. (both of them, one worse than the other). I thought my mom was a great super mom. When she was hard core covert masking. She also brought in to my house disgusting racist bigoted people to abuse me. My dad was a son husband who ritually humiliated and bullied me. My dad married an entire abusive step family and they all ganged up on me so bad I had to go no contact. My hair fell out at age 21-22. The doctor thought it was male hair pattern baldness. But it was stress and abuse that caused it.
Dana, I just wish we autistic and neurodivergent people have to go through anything like this I too have been through this and it is a long story , but a long time ago, but never forgotten. You never forget it. It is about them controlling you. I wish that it was criminalised.
I have put myself in so many situations that could have gone horribly wrong. I met a guy on Tinder. We spoke on the phone, talked about sex and the fact that I would not have it until I could get on birth control. Talked about other stuff and set up a date. He would pick me up, bring me to his apartment, cook for me, I would bring vodka and we watch a movie together. Cute, fun, innocent date. Did I realize that this was a setup for netflix & chill? No. Was I aware what netflix & chill is? Absolutely. The fact that the words weren't those made me believe nothing would be happening besides maybe making out. More stuff happened and I still don't know how I feel about it. He had a roommate who showed up in the middle of the night. So, not only was I drunk, had done more than I initially wanted to, in a city I didn't know and a good distance away from home, I was also alone with two gym bros. The fact that nothing bad happened is something I'm still incredibly grateful for. I was 22 at the time. Theoretically I was aware of what could happen but the fact that it was called a date made me feel completely confident this would be fine. When we talk about social awareness, being naive and a people pleaser, autism being a disability, etc., this is exactly one of those things. I tend to see through things the more time I have away from people. It took me years to realize how much I suffered in my last friendship. It was so unhealthy and when I finally decided to end it, it took minutes to feel incredible relief. I feel it to this day whenever think about her.
I think having the PDA profile can make it even more difficult (for some people) to recognize that a situation is/can put you in danger because even if you have more social awereness and less naivety your nervous system might just not recognize or interpret dangerous situations as threatening if it doesn't perceive said situation to be a demand/potential threat to your autonomy. Obviously not recognizing dangers isn't exclusive to PDA and im not trying to say that a person that is not PDA cannot have it as hard or harder, but thats how I experience things as someone who relate to the PDA profile (its defenetly possible that someone with this profile have a different experience)
Hi Dana! There’s a known term for the rapid changes of topics that abusers do, and I thought I’d share it just in case no one has mentioned it: it’s called “moving the goalposts”. It’s a big no-no in coherent dialogue. It fucks the recipient up. It sounds like you’ve completely identified the pattern. Just thought I’d share the term for the viewers use. It seems to help put a stop to engaging with the abuser easier if one has the term. (Of course, if the recipient names the behavior to the behavior, they will gaslight the recipient or make the term the next thing to attack. It’s one of those internal boundaries, said inside one’s own head: “oh he is moving the goalposts, so that means he is not engaging in a coherent conversation and it’s not my job to make him. It’s my job to remove myself from this conversation in order to maintain psychological safety.”) I’m glad you got out! Here’s the a discussion of the term. In debate, it’s a foul. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moving_the_goalposts
Thank you! Through reflection I’ve been able to recognise a lot of the patterns and what he generally did to make me feel bad, but without being able to google entire situations, it’s super hard to know any of the actual terms for things, so this is hugely appreciated!
nonviolent abusers are still abusers, and i didn't get it for a long time. the neglect and torment my family members and my classmates put me through set me up to be a perfect little target. "i just thought it was normal." Exactly, and nobody cared enough to notice and tell me otherwise. The nice days really did confuse me, how could an abuser be so nice? But he really undermined even the smallest things, like going to the store he'd rush me to the point I couldn't process or he'd pretend he couldn't understand me over and over, do things and then deny doing them, and then he'd casually draw attention to me as my frustration grew. Just one example. i used to feel so guilty all of the time because of his manipulations, blamed myself like you did. Even as he conspired with other men online to destroy me bit by bit for their pleasure, so he could get male validation. i've stopped blaming myself.
Hello Dana, you described classic narcissism . Been there. People often experience complex PTSD as a consequence of this type of abuse. Leaving was absolutely the right thing to do. It wasn't your fault, you're perfectly you. People accept you, or they don't, but that works both ways. You will heal. 🐪
I'm so glad you didn't quit making videos as it's like having a friend round for a chat. It's so good you're free from his abuse now and can show him how wrong he was!
Having been in a mentally/nonviolent abusive relationship and autistic, it is a confusing experience, unless your familiar with mental techniques that are used or have been in non abusive relationships before, i wasnt aware of what was happening at first, i thought "oh this is normal", but looking back no it wasnt, i used to be gaslighted along with the relationship and me visiting them was used like a carrot and a stick, it never really felt like "our" relationship, it just felt like it was their relationship and only existed when they felt like it, towards the end, i did feel guilty as i had somewhat perpuated the relationship issues after getting frustrated by having to explain to them multiple times what to do if they saw their partner crying, i had put blood sweat and tears into the relationship (quite literally), and in the end they had cheated on me, the major lesson i had learned was this: If your partner pushes you mentally out at any sign of an issue, no matter how big or small, work on with them, if they dont want to work on it, walk away, you will feel mentally burnt out and pushed to the edge over trying to "fix them"
My roomie is simalar, She will drag me into arguments and when I counter shes like "oh you always got a answer for everything" or uses my autism against me. She also often gas lights me and uses my ADHD against me so even if I am certain of a past event I can't be trusted because of my memory. And if she runs out of arguments then it's "Oh I'm always wrong then aren't I" or anger, and if I try and get out of the argument I'm just tying to run away. At this point I just try and disassociate my way through the arguments these days >.< Glad ya no longer have to deal with the trash ex, sounds like a real POS. To add to the conversation, I do wonder if the abusive environment is contributing significantly to my destroyed creativity and/or my diminishing health 🤔
Lol. Jokes on her. ADHD doesn't affect your memory of the past, it affects your memory of your plans. I'm absent-minded as 🦆, but my memory goes back further into my childhood than most people I know, plus I'm the oldest of my cousins, so I'm the one that remembers everything at all of our family reunions.
This sounds identical to the abusive relationship I was in too. So many points you mention - he would constantly start arguments that never ended until I gave up trying to resolve anything and just let him be in control of everything. Never had a single nice day with him because he would turn everything into a fight and an argument where I was the one at fault or had done something wrong. Never had these issues with anyone else in my life, only him.
While I can't relate to the situation as a whole, I absolutely can relate to a lot of the individual things in this video. I'm sorry you had to deal with this, and it's nice to know you're away from him.
Im going though somthong simler but we got a 15 year old daughter. Im in the process of trying to get help as ive not got any family and it not so easy but took the first steps in telling slmeone about the verble abuce Im getting it took me about 17 years with hime to relise was only dienosed with adhd and aultisam in 4ve ladt few years. Can relate to the stuff you tqlked about .
I’m so sorry you’re able to relate, but so glad you’re taking the steps to get out of it! I hope you’re able to find the help and support that you deserve
Hi Dana, I'm sorry to hear you had such an awful experience with your ex. I hope that these videos help with the healing process. I'm finding your videos helpful because I'm finding that your life is remarkably similar to mine, and my experiences of being neurodivergent (was never diagnosed with Autism).
He is obviously someone who cannot stand seeing others enjoy themselves and therefore wants to try to cancel their enjoyment - even when he previously was enjoying the thing that he couldn't bear to see you enjoy! I'm glad you are now doing so well and that he cannot ruin your enjoyment of the success you are having. Delicious lol!
You mentioning he's make you feel childish, ridiculous and silly for liking the things that you like made me chuckle. I live with an abusive family member and one of the things I started doing when I got officially diagnosed (long before my family even knew about it) was try to start to unmask and embracing my special interests - and some of those are quite literally things you associate with little kids (like coloring books and plushies). As soon as my abusive family member took notice, she started making jokes and trying to embarrass me in front of other family members, my friends, and even total strangers. However, for the first time in my life, I fought back in a way I never had before - by engaging with those things even more and self-advocating. I'd say things like "Yeah, I sleep with a plushie next to my pillow, so what? Clearly you could use one yourself if you're so jealous about it that you need to make fun of it" and it backfired pretty quickly for her because everyone outside of my family that she would tried to embarrass me in front of would take my side and defend me from her. And, even within my family, everyone got sick and tired of her jokes pretty quickly. So I was just left alone to be as childish as I wanted to and I am way happier now than I ever was when I was a child and proud of myself for standing up to her.
I thought my grandma was loving and caring when she was SAing me. (both of them, one worse than the other). I thought my mom was a great super mom. When she was hard core covert masking. She also brought in to my house disgusting racist bigoted people to abuse me. My dad was a son husband who ritually humiliated and bullied me. My dad married an entire abusive step family and they all ganged up on me so bad I had to go no contact. My hair fell out at age 21-22. The doctor thought it was male hair pattern baldness. But it was stress and abuse that caused it.
Dana, I just wish we autistic and neurodivergent people have to go through anything like this I too have been through this and it is a long story , but a long time ago, but never forgotten. You never forget it. It is about them controlling you. I wish that it was criminalised.
there's so many awful people that are committed to making everyone as miserable as they are... I'm so glad you're not in that anymore.
I have put myself in so many situations that could have gone horribly wrong.
I met a guy on Tinder. We spoke on the phone, talked about sex and the fact that I would not have it until I could get on birth control. Talked about other stuff and set up a date. He would pick me up, bring me to his apartment, cook for me, I would bring vodka and we watch a movie together. Cute, fun, innocent date. Did I realize that this was a setup for netflix & chill? No. Was I aware what netflix & chill is? Absolutely. The fact that the words weren't those made me believe nothing would be happening besides maybe making out. More stuff happened and I still don't know how I feel about it.
He had a roommate who showed up in the middle of the night.
So, not only was I drunk, had done more than I initially wanted to, in a city I didn't know and a good distance away from home, I was also alone with two gym bros. The fact that nothing bad happened is something I'm still incredibly grateful for.
I was 22 at the time. Theoretically I was aware of what could happen but the fact that it was called a date made me feel completely confident this would be fine.
When we talk about social awareness, being naive and a people pleaser, autism being a disability, etc., this is exactly one of those things.
I tend to see through things the more time I have away from people. It took me years to realize how much I suffered in my last friendship. It was so unhealthy and when I finally decided to end it, it took minutes to feel incredible relief. I feel it to this day whenever think about her.
I think having the PDA profile can make it even more difficult (for some people) to recognize that a situation is/can put you in danger because even if you have more social awereness and less naivety your nervous system might just not recognize or interpret dangerous situations as threatening if it doesn't perceive said situation to be a demand/potential threat to your autonomy. Obviously not recognizing dangers isn't exclusive to PDA and im not trying to say that a person that is not PDA cannot have it as hard or harder, but thats how I experience things as someone who relate to the PDA profile (its defenetly possible that someone with this profile have a different experience)
Hi Dana! There’s a known term for the rapid changes of topics that abusers do, and I thought I’d share it just in case no one has mentioned it: it’s called “moving the goalposts”. It’s a big no-no in coherent dialogue. It fucks the recipient up. It sounds like you’ve completely identified the pattern. Just thought I’d share the term for the viewers use. It seems to help put a stop to engaging with the abuser easier if one has the term. (Of course, if the recipient names the behavior to the behavior, they will gaslight the recipient or make the term the next thing to attack. It’s one of those internal boundaries, said inside one’s own head: “oh he is moving the goalposts, so that means he is not engaging in a coherent conversation and it’s not my job to make him. It’s my job to remove myself from this conversation in order to maintain psychological safety.”)
I’m glad you got out! Here’s the a discussion of the term. In debate, it’s a foul. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moving_the_goalposts
Thank you! Through reflection I’ve been able to recognise a lot of the patterns and what he generally did to make me feel bad, but without being able to google entire situations, it’s super hard to know any of the actual terms for things, so this is hugely appreciated!
nonviolent abusers are still abusers, and i didn't get it for a long time. the neglect and torment my family members and my classmates put me through set me up to be a perfect little target. "i just thought it was normal." Exactly, and nobody cared enough to notice and tell me otherwise. The nice days really did confuse me, how could an abuser be so nice? But he really undermined even the smallest things, like going to the store he'd rush me to the point I couldn't process or he'd pretend he couldn't understand me over and over, do things and then deny doing them, and then he'd casually draw attention to me as my frustration grew. Just one example. i used to feel so guilty all of the time because of his manipulations, blamed myself like you did. Even as he conspired with other men online to destroy me bit by bit for their pleasure, so he could get male validation. i've stopped blaming myself.
Hello Dana, you described classic narcissism . Been there. People often experience complex PTSD as a consequence of this type of abuse. Leaving was absolutely the right thing to do. It wasn't your fault, you're perfectly you. People accept you, or they don't, but that works both ways. You will heal. 🐪
I'm so glad you didn't quit making videos as it's like having a friend round for a chat. It's so good you're free from his abuse now and can show him how wrong he was!
Having been in a mentally/nonviolent abusive relationship and autistic, it is a confusing experience, unless your familiar with mental techniques that are used or have been in non abusive relationships before, i wasnt aware of what was happening at first, i thought "oh this is normal", but looking back no it wasnt, i used to be gaslighted along with the relationship and me visiting them was used like a carrot and a stick, it never really felt like "our" relationship, it just felt like it was their relationship and only existed when they felt like it, towards the end, i did feel guilty as i had somewhat perpuated the relationship issues after getting frustrated by having to explain to them multiple times what to do if they saw their partner crying, i had put blood sweat and tears into the relationship (quite literally), and in the end they had cheated on me, the major lesson i had learned was this: If your partner pushes you mentally out at any sign of an issue, no matter how big or small, work on with them, if they dont want to work on it, walk away, you will feel mentally burnt out and pushed to the edge over trying to "fix them"
My roomie is simalar, She will drag me into arguments and when I counter shes like "oh you always got a answer for everything" or uses my autism against me. She also often gas lights me and uses my ADHD against me so even if I am certain of a past event I can't be trusted because of my memory. And if she runs out of arguments then it's "Oh I'm always wrong then aren't I" or anger, and if I try and get out of the argument I'm just tying to run away. At this point I just try and disassociate my way through the arguments these days >.<
Glad ya no longer have to deal with the trash ex, sounds like a real POS.
To add to the conversation, I do wonder if the abusive environment is contributing significantly to my destroyed creativity and/or my diminishing health 🤔
Lol. Jokes on her. ADHD doesn't affect your memory of the past, it affects your memory of your plans. I'm absent-minded as 🦆, but my memory goes back further into my childhood than most people I know, plus I'm the oldest of my cousins, so I'm the one that remembers everything at all of our family reunions.
I'm sorry you went through all of that. I'm glad you are doing your "silly little things" now and got out in the end 😊
Sorry about what you went through. You deserve so much better.❤
This sounds identical to the abusive relationship I was in too. So many points you mention - he would constantly start arguments that never ended until I gave up trying to resolve anything and just let him be in control of everything. Never had a single nice day with him because he would turn everything into a fight and an argument where I was the one at fault or had done something wrong. Never had these issues with anyone else in my life, only him.
It sounds like your ex is incapable of enjoying anything. I think eventually you'll pity him if you don't already.
While I can't relate to the situation as a whole, I absolutely can relate to a lot of the individual things in this video.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this, and it's nice to know you're away from him.
Im going though somthong simler but we got a 15 year old daughter. Im in the process of trying to get help as ive not got any family and it not so easy but took the first steps in telling slmeone about the verble abuce Im getting it took me about 17 years with hime to relise was only dienosed with adhd and aultisam in 4ve ladt few years. Can relate to the stuff you tqlked about .
I’m so sorry you’re able to relate, but so glad you’re taking the steps to get out of it! I hope you’re able to find the help and support that you deserve
I’m proud of you for reaching out for help. Keep going! I believe in you, you can do this.
Omg my relationship would have turned into this you lived the version of my relationship of moving in together I’m so glad I never moved in with him.
This all reminds me of more than one person from my past.
Hi Dana,
I'm sorry to hear you had such an awful experience with your ex. I hope that these videos help with the healing process. I'm finding your videos helpful because I'm finding that your life is remarkably similar to mine, and my experiences of being neurodivergent (was never diagnosed with Autism).
He is obviously someone who cannot stand seeing others enjoy themselves and therefore wants to try to cancel their enjoyment - even when he previously was enjoying the thing that he couldn't bear to see you enjoy! I'm glad you are now doing so well and that he cannot ruin your enjoyment of the success you are having. Delicious lol!
19:09 it is that deep