Hoovers, Narcissists and Borderlines, Part 1
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- Опубликовано: 14 июл 2020
- Dr. Tara Palmatier, PsyD - www.shrink4men.com
shrink4men@gmail.com
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When relationships with narcissists and borderlines end, it often triggers fears of abandonment and losing control of you. Or, more accurately, breaking up intensifies their usual abandonment and loss of control fears. This can occur even when they’re the ones who end the relationship. Hoovers are an example of the NPD’s/BPD’s abandonment avoidance and control freakery in action. There are different hoover tactics used by narcissists and borderlines during and after a break up.
Read full article: shrink4men.com/2020/03/25/hoo...
Just got attempted hoover. 1st in 4 years, used a flying monkey. No contact means No Contact!
NO being the operative word. As in NONE!
I was just about to ask, can hoovering be done via flying monkeys 😂.
Good stuff, thanks
What's a flying monkey?
A flying monkey lmaooooo
"The thing about the dead is that some of 'em come and visit because they miss you. Some come because they need to say somethin' that you need to hear. And some of 'em just wanna take you with them." -True Detective
My experience is that they are too cowardly to contact you directly. They usually hoover you by proxy though mutual acquaintances.
Once had a whole txt conversation thru another friend..I tried to explain to that friend that the bpd one doesn't really care about them. So they don't get hurt.. It reminded me that the one with Bpd even called my other friend "useful" once...
Had a narc bff and you NAILED IT when you spoke to their view of "unconditional love"! Yes - to them it means no accountability & no reciprocal respect!
I see it all the time. The similarities are uncanny.
Glad to see you back Dr. T! I missed you! Yep, I was Hoovered three times after the divorce/discard: there was the cancer scare, the “ I’ve picked the tree out that I’m going to drive my car into if you don’t talk to me” scare, the “ it was my lawyer’s fault for the divorce”. Anyway, the good news is I’m pretty much fully recovered thanks to you and helping me understand codependency, which is half of the equation. I really love your wit and humor which really puts into perspective how ridiculous these individuals are. Looking forward to part 2! Stay safe!
Thanks, Jerry. Wonderful to know you're moving onward and upward. I'm happy for you.
Who else loves 🤗 the BPD/NPD voice she uses?🤔 🤣😂 Great content Dr. T. Thanks again!
I got a kick out of when she voiced the lady sexting the guy next to her on the plane.... Mmmmmmmmm M M M M 😄😄😄😄 you're the most amazing man!! 😂
Emergency BLOWJOB!😁
Thanks for your videos they are so helpful. Personally for me, I am trying to learn from my experience and never repeat this again. I keep asking myself how did I get here? I use to have boundaries, what happened to me? Is this my fault/ Did I actually deserve this? Was there something I could have done better? All I can say is don't fall for the hoover! The breakup after the two week hoover was SO BAD. He did not just burn the bridge, he blew it up with a nuclear missile. I keep asking myself how could I have loved someone that really seems to be two completely different people in one? All I can do now is figure out why I allowed this treatment and how I can still remain a caring person without allowing someone to completely walk all over me.
What sickens me is how they play on peoples emotions. I’m very empathetic and my ex exploited this to the max. After learning about npd and cluster b’s I was basically tortured when trying to leave the relationship. Threatened, abused, and publicly shamed for leaving. I’ve had every hoover I can think of. I block they get new emails etc. J had no support because family were as toxic and vile as the ex. No therapist really understood so I found it so difficult as he was using fake accounts to abuse more for leaving. Police did nothing. But I’ve remained no contact and finally have been left alone for now. Get out stay out and don’t ever respond if possible. Hoovers are just another way to abuse and control you. It’s all lies. They never tell the truth.
I went through the "Its all you and not me" phase, so I went and talked to a counselor. That was the first time I heard the Narcissistic term. So I went home and started doing my homework. My wife must have read the Narcissistic play book. You are so spot on!!
I am recovering from heredity co-dependency issues. The "you have changed" struck a chord with me with regards to my (diagnosed) BPD daughter as soon as I enforced boundaries some years ago. The hoovering I am seeing is her falsely pretending to be a "good parent" over the past two weeks as Child Protection, the Police and the Courts have become involved in helping me to protect my 4 year old Grandson from her toxicity and her partner's violent and abusive behaviour. She simply cannot sustain the mask, but she is trying desperately to charm my grandson (total gas-lighting/ denying his reality), the authorities, and my family members.
I see her, though. I have for a very long time.
Nearly 2 years this hoover I've just had. Beware folks. Just when you think your safe !!!
Tara, I absolutely love your videos. Your snarky, sarcastic, and amazingly informative videos on NPD and BPD individuals have helped me get out of my abusive relationship with my PNarc husband. Than you so much, and please keep up the good work.
the first hoover :
i came across her .. in front of my house
(she cried , missed me so much )
Me: Finally she sees all i have done for her . The good person i am ❤️( lasted 2 month)
the 2nd hoover :
She was worried i would go back to drugs ( she couldent live if something happened to me) At that moment i really felt lo e and that she had a heart .. i was so damn high .. i really believed it .(lasted 3 weeks)
The last one : She had some of my stuff at her house and my lil daughters sweater ..(she was so sweet and it was arround christmas .. she was heartbroken thinking about us last christmas laughing and having a good time) 1st i told her to trow everything in the garbage and to deal with her behaving and her choices .. and her a good life . She called back and i was like just one night "you know , she was cute "
So had good sex , laugh’ed .. i was falling back into it !! ( lasted 3 days )
i ended up beeing her punching bag .. she accused me of cheating. with the sister of my a friend of mine who passed away 2 days before . I blocked her … i got a call from the family who just lost theyre loved one .YOU TELL THAT PSYCOPATH TO STOP CALLING AT OUR HOUSE !!!
Ayayaeyeeee how did i get there ???
Literally just got hoovered after a month... can't believe the coincidence.
Did your ex had a new supply while hoovering?
What you said about my ex who has BPD (I think but not diagnosed) in terms of how they say we need help, need Medication etc mine said to me you need to do CBT, mindfulness, get a decent psychologist, get help!! He also said to a friend of mine that she needs to get me help and that he’s been trying for years!! Everything you said Tara he said to me over and over. Amongst a million other things but I’m sure you can only imagine....he hoovered me 2 years ago and I fell for it. Said I was the only one that could help him!
hoovering could have been just named "fly fishing" with a lot of slow trolling.
You so exactly get it.
4:18 -- LOL! Thanks for that; i needed a good laugh tonight. Cheers, and thanks for your time putting together these presentations.
Glad you enjoyed it!
@@shrink4men 4:39 Your humor is great.
Thanks, Cop Cuffs!
Good job Dr. T. Enjoyed it as usual. Good to have you back. Especially enjoyed the Barry White flashback. My Histrionic, Borderline, Narcissistic Cluster B ex still fires up the old Hoover every year so ...its been 9 years since she filed for divorce. When this happens I politely tell her ..." just about the kids...it hasn't been about you for years"....& that puts an end to it for another year or so....keep yourself happy, healthy & well. Looking forward to your future videos.
My ex gf would say she is not chasing me if I walk away and I said ok bye then it was relentless months and months of messaging, voicemails, phone calls, emails. Threats of turning herself off, then she was pregnant (I can’t even have kids but she never knew this), dramatic stores and she needed me. She would tell me it was only me she wanted and yet turns out whilst stalking me that she was sleeping with other guys. The pathological lying was insane. Everything was about her. Her major mood swings. It was just a total head melt to deal with. She still tries to get me.
Ohhh so glad you are back! Been a while
This video is so helpful to me right now, validating my thoughts over the past couple of days. Thank you for your insight.
Dr T ... knocks it outta park...
Hits IT HOME SO BIGTIME...
Phenomenal video 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 so much great information!
I love your content, it’s nice to be able to laugh whilst watching validating relatable content
I love your videos. They have and are playing a massive part in my recovery. Thank you for your time and effort in sharing these. Your knowledge on the subject is phenomenal and so insightful.
Dr T is a beauty who just gets it!
Doc
Your humor and analytical analysis
Is a great combination
Please keep it up
Thanks, this was perfect! Have experienced all of this. Separated and divorcing now but Covid is putting a kink in the process. So thankful I wasn't in shutdown with him. Love your humor btw.
Excellent timing, the parental Covid-Hoovers are REAL... and just HAPPENED to fall on the very evening of my ten-year anniversary with my partner... during dinner time.
And then radio silence afterwards. I’m really flexing my “hokaaay you crazy and I’m not playing” eyebrow-play.
Preventative measure to not fall for the hoover: Write down the 5 worst things they did to you. When in doubt - should've, could've, would've - look at your list. Guaranteed, the first entry will instantly heal you of any confusion about whom you're dealing with.
Have watched several other's videos, This lady's the best, simple explanation n perfect timing. Love from India. Thanks doctor
Dr. Thank you so straight to the point and facts mine been hoovering for 5 long long years after break up yuck really appreciate this info amen amen
Dr T
Thank you for helping me understand me
Timing for me to open my inbox on the commute from the office is precise to listen to you on this particular situation.
I am smack in the center often reaching into the understandings you have enabled within me.
Thanks Dr T.
Thanks Dr T. Can’t tell you how much your book and videos have helped after 24 years of dealing with my husbands crazy ex wife and now dealing with his two adult daughters who are mimicking her awful behaviour.Manipulation. financial exploitation. Pathological lying etc.We brought them up as she had no interest in them whatsoever. Nor did she pay a penny towards anything they needed growing up. From day one I was targeted. She was also involved in a woman’s suicide after she cheated on my husband for a second time with this guy who was already in a relationship with this poor woman. Knowing her she would have been smearing her etc. Now shes managed to alienate both daughters against us. However, it’s clear the apples didn’t fall far from the tree! Can’t believe we’re still dealing with this crap nearly quarter of a century later! He was only married to this nasty idiot for a few years. What you’ve said is exactly what we’ve been through. These Cluster B’s are an absolute nightmare! Thanks again.
I'm so sorry you are both dealing with that. At some point, it may be time to practice some tough love with the kids and have similar boundaries as you do with their mother. It's hard, but you're both deserve some peace and calm.
Thanks. We have done that and they don’t like it! Not surprised by that of course. We’re just not tolerating it anymore. There’s just been so much. Their loyal to evil so anything we say goes right back to the ‘mother’ so you just can’t trust them. These girls are almost 30 their not teenagers! There’s a pattern that when she isn’t with a man she starts using them as tools to abuse by proxy. Her last marriage came to an end three years ago after it lasting only two years and we were ready for the attacks and sure enough it started again. She’s also making up shit about the latest ex husband. Anyway, thanks for your response and help. Your a genius! 😁
Wuts the name of the Book?
I'm enjoying and learning what happened in my past from your videos and FB posts. You've confirmed one of my best life decisions was to leave a Narcissist Princess over 30 years ago.
I've recommended your services to my clients. I'm going to encourage them use your services.
It's been an honor to meet you and hear your talk at the first International Conference for Men in Detroit Michigan.
I'd welcome an opportunity to interview you so that Paternity Fraud victims could learn more about why I strongly support counseling and therapy treatment for them. I'd love for PF victims to hire you.
That's incredibly kind of you, Carnell. It was my pleasure to meet you in Detroit as well. Regarding an interview, shoot me an email and let's figure out a time to chat.
Unrelated but your home is lovely, Dr. T.
I love your humor and sarcasm, it is very helpful to see the ridiculous of my ex bpd husband's BS, very validating thank you. The last blaming me for "ruining our magic" by moving out 8 months ago hoover, yes, on the April 2021 full moon, ( insert wolf howl here) now cracks me up!
Looking good Dr T...good to see you back. Great video as usual. Hope you are wearing your bubble suit when you go out.
Thanks, William. No bubble suit. I do have a variety of masks, soap and water. Because the gym is closed and dog walks aren't particularly intense, I've restricted calories (grumpy). Because I'd like to enjoy carbohydrates again, I've recently purchased a used kayak. Hopefully, there won't be a sea lion mishap. Wish me luck!
@@shrink4men You don't need me to wish you luck..you need to add sea lion spikes to your kayak!..Have fun on your new kayak adventures, but don't feed the species on the lower end of the evolutionary ladder please.
I absolutely love this video it hits every nail on the head. an
I love your humour 🤣 it cracks me up.( sarcasm at it's best) It makes me laugh : )
it's good to go back and re- listen to this information.
I am going on my 4th month of a breakup and need the factual reminders and the encouragement, If only there was a way to tie my borderline/narcissistic wife up and force feed her this information. That would make me feel on top of the world! But it aint gonna happen.
Hi I am a woman divorced from a crazy borderline. It seems that there's only violence working out with him. There's no way you can negotiate . Especially concerning kids . I just can't manipulate him to get the kids away from him 😔
You are spot on Doc. Its like you stayed with my ex, because the concern hover was one of the main tactics used
Mine too. Even though he he abused and hurt me constantly. It’s just unreal.
Someone disliked the video 24 seconds after the publishing time. 😅
Perhaps I trigger them ;)
🤣👍
Timely video. 100 thank yous. I just got hoovered by bpd mother. SSDD. I bit the hook badly. It's been ten years since last no contact, and I guess I forgot not to open her letters. Ruined a month of my life. Uninformed therapist encouraged the f word, (forgiveness) , wants to do gottman couples therapy with me and mom(been there, done that). I had to set boundaries with the therapist while processing, all over again, mom's games, predatory behavior, and abuse. Cluster b Refresher course complete!
Right on with the translations!
When can we expect part 2? My ex has really ramped up the hoovering of late.
Oh boy she hit the nail right on the head 😂🙏🏾
Hoover. I get it now. Got a call last night from my ex. Its been almost 3 years separated apparently I forgot her birthday. Got scolded... kinda scared me for a second. I did feel bad about it because I been so buisy and forgot to tell the kids so I called her and the girls wished her a happy birthday.
I love your dog!
My first hoover was about 4 months ago, after absolute no contact for 3.5 years. She had levelled false allegations about me to the police and ghosted me before moving my replacement into what had been my home within 3 weeks of my departure.
The hoover itself came in the form of an email to an address I didn't think she had. It was actually what would be termed a "malign" hoover - I have apparently "destroyed her life" and those of her children (who I had brought up as my own), she hates me and wishes me "a long and unhappy life" so I can...wait for it..."reflect on what I lost".
This initial email was followed up by 3 more in short order, all equally vindictive, spiteful and nasty. Nice.
She didn't get a response and never will. A hoover are just an attempt to elicit an emotional response.
I’ve just been discarded/replaced by my narc ex gf and I’m struggling to cope
Reluctant Millennial 1985 , be happy she has moved on. Do you really want to step back on the crazy train? There are other, kinder, more healthy fish in the sea.
Same happened to me, did she hoover?
Thank you😷
You’re welcome 😊
My ex of 4 years would go on rants about her mom dieing and leaving her her first husband leaving her and her first child's dad which is a narcissist chested on her but them would tell me about all the people she cheated on him with then to how I don't love her in about 20 min and then get pissed when I start popping pop corn because I was getting snacks ready for the show I'm not BPD or NPD I'm just a sigma and the worst person in the world to fight with I don't show emotion I don't get angry I don't care enough to she Hoovers ever now and then I'm always happy to see her and tell me everything she been up to and how she been in therapy to get better I generally care about her I just can't be with her and I have a child so I'm stuck
I'm also tired of being grounded ugh!
Are some ppl with bpd different? Some actually like you, the relationship and it’s not all about them? There’s many other dr’s saying these ppl can make good partners. Would a distinction be, that the ones that are abusive, may only Hoover you for their own gains?
Wow!!! To the tee!
Mine cheated then when that imploded he tried to test the water. "I wish what happened hasn't happened with us, i miss you" rejected
Then tries again, asking if i justwanted to cuddle. Also rejected. Then he denied all of it.
Hoovering seems easier to say than Electroluxing.
I love you, the big sister I need.
Why do they want you to stay? If they don't even love you?
I was hovered for 1 week and 1 day where will it go from here guess time will tell .
Hey Doc, I think I love you😍😉
sad but true
I had a 3year hoover
Hoovering =information gathering
No kidding lol
Love or lawsuits!
Got a text not a call.
Txts of jus constant pictures..💁♂️
It kind of feels like you lobbed both NPD and BPD into the sane category with no distinct differences between the two. From my knowledge, borderlines tend to be far less control seeking than described. I'm a little lost here.
That is inaccurate. BPD people can be every bit as controlling as their NPD people and typically are. BPD and NPD are both Cluster B disorders. One is neither worse nor better than the other. Untreated and treated, they can be incredibly toxic and destructive to others and themselves.
Im not being controlled by satan anymore! Ever
EMERGENCY BLOW JOB!!!! lmao
This world has self induced daddy issues,
Crying does not make a woman a borderline.
Pretty sure I didn't say that.
Doc didn't say that.