“After expressing your needs in a way that pushes your partner away, instead of using effective communication, you then resort to protest behavior, expressing your need for closeness and reassurance by acting out. By doing so you miss out on all the benefits of this powerful tool. Unlike effective communication, protest behavior never gives you the opportunity to unequivocally address your concerns.” (Amir Levine & Rachel Heller) Remember to subscribe if you're new here 🙂 👉 t1p.de/2o0n
I paused this video many times to take in its power and content. I came from a family of enmeshment and codependency and also was rewarded for sulking. It became such a toxic behavior for me. It is a big growth area for me to identity and express clearly my needs, feelings and pain in the moment. I’m getting better and this video was really helpful. I hadn’t heard protest behaviors before and it resonated well. Thanks!
Dear Maika,thank you very much! I recently had an opportunity to try it out and brake through my sulking pattern and it is a very rewarding win win feeling!
Hearing about all these forms of protest behavior was quite eye-opening, because I've used all of them at least once or twice in my life. Usually, when I'm triggered and my insecurities come out. Nowadays, I remind myself that this kind of behavior won't really benefit me in the long run. Also, before I found this video, I tried to express my needs and have a hard, yet honest conversation with a close friend of mine. That was after I recognized that I don't want to bring the issues up because I'm scared it'll ruin our friendship. Fortunately, it didn't. And opening up was actually quite rewarding and made me feel safe. Thank you so much for this video and sharing your knowledge! ❣
Thanks for sharing your experiences with this! Sometimes we don’t want to go through vulnerability in the moment, but longterm it creates depth for authentic closeness ❣️
The issue I had in my relationship with someone who was more avoidantly attached was that over time I did tamp down on the protest behaviour, tried to listen more, tried to talk through conflict, gave them lots of words of encouragement, but still tried to be assertive and push to get my (what I would say were very reasonable) needs met in terms of time spent together. Nothing works, though. Like two of Schaupenhauer's Porcupines, my push for closeness was met with resistance, pushing away, and sabotage. I will also say that there's a layer of frustration that builds up when you think your reasonable asks aren't being met or are being ignored. Towards the end I found myself lashing out once or twice out of a pure sense of frustration, but generally after they reneged/forgot a promise they'd made or had just lashed out at me. But I also think this is perfectly natural: No one can be like The Buddha; we can only try to be as understanding as possible and act with integrity in values. We can and will fall short, though, and I believe these instances were what my ex used to justify the break-up.
I'm getting much better at expressing my needs than I was before. Changing patterns with old people who are used to treating me a certain way feels difficult.
For over 3 yrs I communicated my needs well to my girlfriend, she always responded with a solution to which she would always only be able to keep for a few weeks and then the same problem arises. This repeated cycle made me frustrated which turned to protest behavior. She eventually left me because she finally said that she cannot fulfill my needs.
❤ excellent. I would like to see another video teasing out the difference between protest behaviors and behaviors that appear similar but have different motivations. For example, I am very sensitive and my husband tends to dominate conversations with negative topics like politics. I get overwhelmed by his angry tirades; I daydream, disengage, and try changing the subject. I know it would be healthier to directly tell him how he affects me but I dread difficult conversations. Our history with difficult conversations has not been productive.
@@DrMaikaSteinbornthank you for the response. I think you’re right about the escape theme. When a wave of anxiety hits me, my immediate urge is to run away
hi mam your videos are very nice☺.can you tell me one thing? are you a certified clinical psychologist or a counselling psychologist? or any other type of?
Hi! I'm glad you find my videos helpful! I have a German "Diplom" in clinical and educational psychology (which is equivalent to a Master's degree) and a doctorate in psychology, with the focus of selfleadership and course design (which is similar to an American PhD).
@@ritab7449 The doctorate is a doctorate in natural sciences (Dr. rer. nat.). The topic of my doctorate was developing and evaluating a course to improve self leadership.
“After expressing your needs in a way that pushes your partner away, instead of using effective communication, you then resort to protest behavior, expressing your need for closeness and reassurance by acting out. By doing so you miss out on all the benefits of this powerful tool. Unlike effective communication, protest behavior never gives you the opportunity to unequivocally address your concerns.” (Amir Levine & Rachel Heller)
Remember to subscribe if you're new here 🙂 👉 t1p.de/2o0n
Thank you a lot! In my opinion, it takes not only courage but a lot of practise!
💯
I paused this video many times to take in its power and content. I came from a family of enmeshment and codependency and also was rewarded for sulking. It became such a toxic behavior for me. It is a big growth area for me to identity and express clearly my needs, feelings and pain in the moment. I’m getting better and this video was really helpful. I hadn’t heard protest behaviors before and it resonated well. Thanks!
Dear Maika,thank you very much! I recently had an opportunity to try it out and brake through my sulking pattern and it is a very rewarding win win feeling!
That‘s wonderful, congratulations! 🎊 Thanks for sharing. 🙂 It‘s always encouraging to hear when something works.
Yes… the guessing games or expecting ur significant other to read ur mind
💯
Hearing about all these forms of protest behavior was quite eye-opening, because I've used all of them at least once or twice in my life. Usually, when I'm triggered and my insecurities come out. Nowadays, I remind myself that this kind of behavior won't really benefit me in the long run. Also, before I found this video, I tried to express my needs and have a hard, yet honest conversation with a close friend of mine. That was after I recognized that I don't want to bring the issues up because I'm scared it'll ruin our friendship. Fortunately, it didn't. And opening up was actually quite rewarding and made me feel safe.
Thank you so much for this video and sharing your knowledge! ❣
Thanks for sharing your experiences with this! Sometimes we don’t want to go through vulnerability in the moment, but longterm it creates depth for authentic closeness ❣️
The issue I had in my relationship with someone who was more avoidantly attached was that over time I did tamp down on the protest behaviour, tried to listen more, tried to talk through conflict, gave them lots of words of encouragement, but still tried to be assertive and push to get my (what I would say were very reasonable) needs met in terms of time spent together.
Nothing works, though. Like two of Schaupenhauer's Porcupines, my push for closeness was met with resistance, pushing away, and sabotage.
I will also say that there's a layer of frustration that builds up when you think your reasonable asks aren't being met or are being ignored. Towards the end I found myself lashing out once or twice out of a pure sense of frustration, but generally after they reneged/forgot a promise they'd made or had just lashed out at me.
But I also think this is perfectly natural: No one can be like The Buddha; we can only try to be as understanding as possible and act with integrity in values. We can and will fall short, though, and I believe these instances were what my ex used to justify the break-up.
I love your short direct form of education and suggestions for well being! Thanx Dr. Maika
I‘m glad to hear that!
I'm getting much better at expressing my needs than I was before.
Changing patterns with old people who are used to treating me a certain way feels difficult.
Rolling eyes.!!!! My favorite..hihihihi...excelent video!! Thank you Doctora Maika!!
🙄😀 glad you liked it!
@@DrMaikaSteinborn 😂😂😂👌👌👌♥
For over 3 yrs I communicated my needs well to my girlfriend, she always responded with a solution to which she would always only be able to keep for a few weeks and then the same problem arises. This repeated cycle made me frustrated which turned to protest behavior. She eventually left me because she finally said that she cannot fulfill my needs.
❤ excellent. I would like to see another video teasing out the difference between protest behaviors and behaviors that appear similar but have different motivations. For example, I am very sensitive and my husband tends to dominate conversations with negative topics like politics. I get overwhelmed by his angry tirades; I daydream, disengage, and try changing the subject. I know it would be healthier to directly tell him how he affects me but I dread difficult conversations. Our history with difficult conversations has not been productive.
What you describe (daydreaming, changing the subject) sounds more like avoidance/escape than protest behavior 🤔
@@DrMaikaSteinbornthank you for the response. I think you’re right about the escape theme. When a wave of anxiety hits me, my immediate urge is to run away
Thank you!
🔥🔥🔥
🙂
Спасибо
🙂
Toxic!! Let them go!! 🙏💚
i will try it!!!!
All the best! The more you can get practice, the better :)
Basically protest behaviour is not a solution instead communicate with other
Yes, exactly. That sums it up 💫
Insecurities 🙏
Issues are the truth about certain scenarios can be offensive to people.
hi mam your videos are very nice☺.can you tell me one thing? are you a certified clinical psychologist or a counselling psychologist? or any other type of?
Hi! I'm glad you find my videos helpful! I have a German "Diplom" in clinical and educational psychology (which is equivalent to a Master's degree) and a doctorate in psychology, with the focus of selfleadership and course design (which is similar to an American PhD).
@@DrMaikaSteinborn ok mam thankyou.also mam doctorate in clinical or educational psychology?
@@ritab7449 The doctorate is a doctorate in natural sciences (Dr. rer. nat.). The topic of my doctorate was developing and evaluating a course to improve self leadership.
Great video. Where have you been, when I was sixteen? :-)
😄