My 14 year nephew molested my daughter when she was 5. Fortunately, she screamed for her brother who was 7 and she got away. I trusted him and left him to babysit for a couple of hours. The next day, I was driving my 3 kids and my 3 nephews when my son blurted out he would tell me what that nephew did. I reported to the police and the children’s aid became involved. But because at 5 my daughter could not fully verbalize what happened, they said there was nothing they could do. Because I accused my nephew, reported to police, and the police reported to children’s aid my sister encouraged her 2 younger sons to bully my son and daughters.
My grandfather always insisted that my cousins and I play in front of adults, and I never understood why he was so strict about it. He didn’t allow us to play alone without supervision and looking back, I now see how much care and wisdom there was in that rule! I remember there was always an aunt or uncle watching over us and every so often, my grandfather or grandmother would come by to check on us and make sure we were okay. I feel truly blessed to have grown up in such a caring family. Even though everyone was trustworthy, my grandfather took extra precautions and taught his children the importance of having us play under adult supervision.
When I finally disclosed to my parents about something that had happened to me at a school campout over ten years before, my father held me, supported me, and then explained that he needed to report it. He is a high school teacher and took his mandated reporting that seriously. I can't believe all of the adults with detailed knowledge of the abuse could just ignore that.
I agree its really really sad. I beleive they are all just pushing forward using oh well its family excuse or they are changed bs Imagine how the poor child feels now, ignored and hurt
@yanetmacias3466 processing time Child-on-child SA isn't readily discussed, so isn't readily understood, do takes time to process Even adult victims of adult perpetrators can take years to process the events Sexual violence is insideous and a completely different kettle of fish to all other violence
I was molested by an older cousin’s husband when I was 6. The overwhelming majority of my pain & anger is towards my parents who failed to protect me, followed by not believing the abuse ever happened. Not even when he was caught with another child decades later (never reported to police and they blamed the young girl for enticing him); not even when my cousin told my mom that he molested me. My parents would even stay overnight at this cousin’s home, and my youngest sister would spend unsupervised weekends at their place. it’s one thing to be a pervert who harms children, it’s another thing altogether when parents refuse to protect or even believe their own children. My wrath is for my parents.
@@Hislittlelamb I don’t understand the dynamics that causes parents to fail their children that way. You have every reason to feel the way you do. It is my prayer that you will be able to forgive them because wrath causes deep emotional damage. Forgiveness doesn’t clear them of blame. But it can help you heal. “His little lamb” invokes an image of Jesus holding you, His precious lamb in His loving arms and wrapping you in His peace.
I hear you. Ever since I had my first baby (I have 5 and the oldest is 20 } the anger towards my mom has actively festered. I really have trouble looking her in the eye. I did try to tell her in a way she would feel what she set me up for day after day but she says things like “well sorry! I was a terrible mother I guess!” Or “well I’m sorry YOU feel that way.” Etc. :( it seems to never go away., does it?
@@Teenywing In my case it only happened the one time & I blocked out the perp’s face. I was made to feel like I’d done something wrong. I was fearful & didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t know. I can only image the pain of having repeated encounters. It’s just evil to its core. I have much respect for those who protect children.
@ No. In this life, it never goes completely away. Only by the grace of God who can take our broken pieces and use them for our good does healing come. The evil that happened to us, intended by the enemy to destroy us, God can use to make us stronger, more loving people. Call on the name of Jesus, our redeemer, and ask for His peace. Eventually you will find that though the event is still in your memory, He can heal your heart and renew your mind. By the power of His Holy Spirit, forgiveness can come. And when we can forgive, we can be free. For me, forgiving hasn’t been a one and done. I have had to practice forgiveness. But the peace I experience makes it well worth the effort. I thank God that He has given me the grace and strength to forgive. 🙏🏼❤️
Childless. Bases her opinions on passing rumors without even caring to understand the details. I'm sure she appears mature from where you're standing, but in reality, this woman is a perpetual child.
this situation is almost identical to what I’m currently going through. I’m literally shocked because I’ve been upset about it all week and then John posted this video. except in my situation, the abuser in question is a grown adult and just because he has substance abuse issues people make excuses for his behavior. I continuously am made to feel like I am insane and overreacting for setting boundaries and refusing to attend events he’s at. this is my first Christmas home in five years, and I was just told the other day that he will be at Christmas… Meaning that I will spend yet another Christmas alone and be guilt tripped for not attending since i’m in town this time. thanks john for the validation that IM NOT THE INSANE ONE.
You don’t have to spend Christmas alone. I do believe a lot of places have church service on Christmas morning. Plus, I’d 100% rather be alone than to be in the presence of an abuser of children.
Find a place serving Christmas dinner to homeless, or soldiers. Volunteer to was shelter dogs. There are plenty of things you can do with like minded people who truly believe it is better to give than to receive
No you do not have to be alone, when I was alone, Christmas 1983 before my husband and 3 children were allowed to join me from a very opressive country I went to the charity that gets meals for thepeople in need and worked the whole day serving people who were more desperate than me. I still have lovely memories of that day.
That fell heavy on me. 68 years ago, the year I was born, my father, now deceased, molested my then 11 year old sister. Carrying that horrible secret cost her sanity. I found out about it when I was 16 as my mother was becoming increasingly hostile towards me while my dad began to give me some attention and hugs. I just thought he was being nice taking my brothers and me to the pool and on outings. Then out of the blue my mother accused me of, “trying to get my dad to do the same thing to me that he did to my sister.” It was shocking and beyond disgusting to realize the horrible thing he did and that not only did no one protect my sister, she was blamed! As soon as I was able, I got out of that putrid, toxic house, moved 1000 miles away and never looked back. My sister joined me a few years later and lived near me until her death a few years ago. She never truly recovered.
I am so sorry about the ideas and concepts around sexuality were taught or learned in a twisted way. I am 75 and it took me many years to get the story about why my mother was nasty and abusive to me the daughter . She had been sexually abused for years by an uncle. She was a child under the age of 12 but she like me looked 15 when she was 10. My own father thought she had had an affair because of some of her actions (she told my father before they were married) he did not understand what he was looking at. My mother had advanced dementia when he told me what she had told him. He was truly ignorant . He and I had several talks about the subject even year after she had passed. I bet your mom had been sexually abused and was convinced by society it was her fault.
@@Filmchica99 Thank you. By the power of the Lord Jesus I have been able to forgive and move on. And my sister is safe with the Lord. No matter what happens in this life, eternity with our Lord makes everything else insignificant. It is sad how much evil has been perpetrated on innocent children. God forgives sin, transgression and inequality. But He in no way clears the guilty.
I went no contact with my mom recently for repeatedly disrespecting my boundaries about NOT being around my step-abusers. She never stood up for me, always made me disregard my safety and bodily autonomy. I just couldnt do it anymore. Best of luck, hope she is able to be strong and cut these awful people out of her life.
50 some years ago, my aunt was that little girl. And no one stood up for her. She was abused by her father, the one person she should have been able to trust. Our family carried that secret until he died, and it wasn’t until after he was dead that the truth came out. He was a child molester and abuser, and everyone stayed silent. They allowed small children to be around him, including his grandchildren. He was an evil man who had no business being around anyone, let alone children. He was shielded and was revered in his church as a godly man. The truth was, he was being protected from accountability. I can’t look at my grandmother the same way, I don’t have a relationship with her because she didn’t protect my aunt, or even my mom. These secrets always come out, it’s just a matter of time. And it will destroy families one way or another. that little girl is no doubt hurting, but she’s very lucky to have someone who cares. This caller is a wonderful person who is in a bad spot.
@@jabrams875 Too many churches help hide predators. I’m afraid some of them are havens that attract harmful men who want to get away with horrible things by claiming repentance.
When my sister told me that she was going to believe her son over my daughter after finding out that my daughter had been abused for years by her son. I immediately decided right there that I was going to go no contact with her from then on. Our children were older when we found out and he wouldn’t really be around but I couldn’t support someone who supported someone who did this. I still had to protect my daughter from them too. It broke our family but I need to support my daughter.
That's a tough situation. Would you believe her immediately if she was saying that your son did something to her? Or would you defend him until there was further proof?
I think it’s more complex the younger they are. I remember my mom asking me if my cousin ever touched me when I was less than 8 years old I wanna say? I had no clue why she was asking me or why in such a tense tone. I really didn’t even know what she was talking about so I just said “yes” on a whim to hope she would stop asking because I thought she meant touching when we were playing with toys and stuff. It wasn’t my intention to lie, I simply didn’t understand the seriousness and context of the question. I immediately knew I gave the wrong response when I saw her face. I didn’t see my cousin for a while and I still can’t remember if I cleared it up but I’m allowed around him now and seeing him for Christmas. It’s hard because there’s no hard evidence just words you have to go by. But whether it’s true or not your child won’t regret you keeping her safe a day in her life. I knew my mom not allowing me to see my cousin was my fault and I never blamed her for it.
My whole family (he even admitted it) sexually assaulted me for years. They are always inviting him and telling me I could go (knowing full well I have no desire to) I now spend holidays alone because I absolutely refuse to be around people who will always choose the pedophile over the survivor.
Very sorry you have such a crappy family who refuse to support you. Shame on them! Find your tribe because they are not it. I hope you have some professional support to help you heal. ❤️🇨🇦🙏
Omg that's so horrible 😢 I'm sorry. I was thinking the caller should say I refuse to go to the family get togethers, then also invite any of the cousins who were abused so that they don't feel uncomfortable being there but also aren't left out from celebrating.
Oh I'm so sorry. Those of us that have been abused I wish there was some way we could have an online holiday and invite all the "spend the holidays alone" people together and just say you are loved.
Wait-one child, multiple abusers? This is horrifying. And NO ONE is standing up for this child?? That’s heartbreaking. I have no words for how awful this is.
@@sitcomchristian6886 acknowledging that this is common doesn’t mean that they are inferring that it is normal. Common and normal have different meanings.
"You are right, I DON"T keep those kind of secrets" such a freeing stance to take and well worth it. We had a similar family deal. I said "Look, if your teenager made a bad choice and burned a building down, they would be responsible along with their legal guardians. Why do you think you can shove aside an equally damaging bad choice and refuse to take responsibility for a minor in your care? If you care about this young person, you are going to help them make better choices!" Some of the family got upset over our stance as a couple and say that we should be ashamed of making other family members afraid of us. But that kind of fear isn't a bad thing... guess who the "fearful" family members come to when they need someone they can trust? Stand strong for what is right.
Have a similar situation. Learned many years ago that my uncle abused his younger sister when she was 6. Most of the family , my aunt included still see him and invite him to family gatherings. I tried to see what could be done but because of prescription and the fact that it wasn’t me, there is nothing I can do on a legal point of view or it would be defamation (I don’t know how things are in the US but French Law is not helping at all) I have warned family members with children , to make sure they knew , I don’t want any kids to be abused by this monster but they don’t believe it or choose to be in denial. I go back home only once a year with the agreement that when I am here I don’t want to see him at all. If they choose to invite him they know I would have the conversation that no one wants to hear. It makes me mad. I can understand that it is difficult for them , I love my parents but the way I see it they are all complicit.
It's a life-long trauma for a child to grow up knowing the family chose saving face over the comfort of a child, in the name of Christmas or any type of family event. This is how you break up a family, devalue the victim and pretty much shove it in their face.
Thank you so much, John. Your words will be a gift to thousands of survivors who feel they have to tiptoe around abusive family members. You are a gem!!
I had an uncle by marriage who messed with several of my cousins. My folks never let my siblings or me to spend time at his house. They didn’t know about the abuse until much later and I am eternally grateful that we weren’t allowed.
I am 60 years old. At the age of 18, I left my foster home of 17years and never went back. I forged a new life for myself and it was extreemly difficult, scary but so very worth it. You see,, my entire life in that foster home was toxic with abuse mostly from the foster father. Sexual, mental, emotional and physical abuse. I survived and cut all ties with that family. Found happiness and even found love (40years with a kind, gentle, good man). Resiliance of the human spirit is an incredable thing....if you give it a chance and nurture it. Dont settle for pain because you have gotten used to it. Strive for peace and happiness because you do deserve it.
Why did I start crying when he said, "When everyone is being crazy around you, it's easy to start thinking you're crazy too"? Christmas gathering sure brings up a lot of old hurt
My gf cousin broke into my house and stole $20 in items, Christmas’s ended up being at my house My rule was I’ll be nice to him anywhere and not start drama but he’ll never step foot in my house if you steal from me once you’ll steal again. My gf said I was a controlling as$ for this and I refused to budge. Christmas went great. A lot of people said thank you for not inviting him. We don’t have to worry about anything being stolen from our purses but soon after my girlfriend had to go, she just couldn’t live with me not allowing her one family member in my house. Now for their Xmas papery only 6 people show up vs the 30 when I banned him. Some people will stick by their family and drowned with them. Sometimes you just need to let them go.
Sadly LOTS of families have to deal with this, so I’m very happy this call was made. Very mature woman. We dealt with this for the last four years until my sister in law broke up with the man. It’s amazing how one person can tear a family apart
I'm 71, was 9 when my uncle molested me. Never told anyone. I had an emotional breakdown 4 years ago & then went into therapy. Therapy helped save me. I knew at age 9 my parents wouldn't believe me, so I kept quiet. The body remembers.
My heart breaks for you. Praying for whatever healing is possible, that your scars will be used to help others as you understand them, and praying that you, and all these others will not allow the evil person who hurt you to CONTINUE to harm your life, by the way you live. Forgive me, I am not saying this as well as I am trying. I mean be free of whatever ongoing harm their choices COULD leave in your life. Enjoy your life, walk in wisdom but not fear.
A friend from years ago said the abuse started when he was 5 and the perp was a 12-year-old male cousin. My friend said by the time he was 12, he had had sex with at least a dozen others who were ALL children. Breaks my heart every time I think if it. Nobody has to be anywhere just because of the date. Choose instead to spend your precious time with people who value and appreciate you. Pray for the others. Having the life you want and need means that we enforce our boundaries. Give your "no" muscle a workout as often as needed. If we live our lives to please others, we don't have a life at all.
Sexual abuse within family members is so common unfortunately. Then when the victim speaks up, the rest of the family turns their back and pretend as nothing happened because it brings shame to the family unit. Disgusting!
I am so glad someone is going to take a stand! Because that little girl might be okay for now but with no accountability for her abusers and I’m assuming no therapy for her…what do they expect her teen year and 20s to look like?!? These people are all teachers! They know better!
When you say she doesn’t still see them, I promise you she does. As a victim I can tell you, she sees them every day. It never stops for her. It happens over and over again and the silence forced on her is killing her from the inside. Do the right thing for her.
An in-law in my family behaved inappropriately with a child 40 years ago. Unfortunately we don't know any details, just that "something" happened according to their wife's deathbed confession. It's annoying because he of course says nothing happened and it was all lies. The child's family never pressed charges, and it's been too long to do anything, so now we're stuck.
As someone who was that 6 year old little girl that had to deal with Christmas's where everyone hugged my abuser in front of me, declared their love for him in front of me, and celebrated with him in front of me all while knowing what he did to me, please, please report those boys. They knew what they were doing, don't let that little girl live with that weight like I had to. I used to be so full of life and joy and vibrancy, and it was all taken away by a 13yo older cousin. Please take care of that little girl.
My mom invited her family friend’s son who went to prison for downloading CP to thanksgiving this year. In the past, my mom has screamed at me and kicked me out after I expressed how uncomfortable I was around this person. She insists that it’s her friend’s son and it would be rude of her to not invite him. But of course my narcissistic mother is more concerned about how she would look like to her friend rather than valuing my comfort in my own home or even acknowledge that he is sick in the head and can never change. Can’t wait to move out and never live with my mom again.
People being judgmental don’t understand how enmeshed these family systems are. They are largely blind to how dysfunctional it is. Good for her for reaching out and doing the NEXT best thing.
Yes. Mom verbally acknowledges it is dysfunctional but you can tell by other things she says and her actions that she truly doesn't get how bad it is. I love 5+ hours away from her now and don't talk to her much. She's beginning to realize it at 61 years old but that's because things have simply gotten THAT bad. It may sound harsh but at this point it will be a blessing and huge relief for her when her parents (my grandparents) pass away.
Years and years we all had someone who not only SAd young ppl we didn't know but their own wife's younger sisters too and he was at every single family gathering, but many of us never knew because we were so young. When we found out and didn't want him there any more, the excuse was "he is still marred to..and is the parent of.." which is even more disgusting.
Unfortunately, it is absolutely the caller’s responsibility now. I’m in disbelief and disgust that this family is a family of educators. I hope this young woman and her husband take it upon themselves to help change the course of this little girl’s life.
The caller needs to remember that her children will be in danger if she and her husband decide to have them. She needs to be very clear about how she will handle family contact once she has her own kids and communicate that to her husband.
A family member hid from the rest of the family the fact that her son, as a teen abused a small child. He then went on to abuse my nephew because my sister in law, not knowing, left her son in his care for a couple of hours while she went to lunch with her elderly grandmother. The guy is now in and out of prison because he keeps reoffending in (thankfully) smaller ways (just parole violations). But that secret destroyed whatever relationship my sister in law had with her dad and step mom because she blamed them even though her aunt never told ANYONE about it. She kept it 100% a secret to protect her son who is a pedo offender. You never coddle the ones doing the evil. Never.
John, you are great! Thank you for everything you said to this young woman. I believe you gave her the strength to do what she really wanted/knew to do.
This woman’s family members are doing no favors to the victims OR the perpetrators who are not getting the help they desperately need as well as all the other victims that are out there because they have not been held accountable. I can’t imagine this is an isolated incident. Also, all the adults that are forced to keep this vile secret. That is a lot of pain that has been growing for years because somebody was too afraid to do the right thing. I hope things work out for the family and everyone involved.
Something almost identical happened in our family decades ago, before I was even born: abuse by an older (still minor) cousin of a young child. To my knowledge, from the bits and pieces I’ve gathered for years now, it was an ongoing thing that no one was aware of. Once it was made aware, here’s where our stories differ. It was reported, although for several different reasons, I don’t believe either charges were fully brought or that he was fully prosecuted - which very likely still play a huge part in our family’s lives. The mother of our cousin (now in his late 50’s I believe) loves to plan family events for everyone, but we just don’t ever - EVER - feel comfortable around him. If we’re ever forced together, I’m watching my daughters like a hawk. It was devastating to find out about this when I was in college, and my heart breaks for our family member who was abused. We’re talking about 40+ years ago… but I don’t think she’s ever really been able to heal. She will not open up to us about it, but we do desperately want to help her. She is a believer…. but she also tries to mask the pain with substances - which we did not know about until two years ago I think. I say all that to say this: PLEASE do what you can now to show all the support for this young girl. Report it. Press charges if you can. She will need the closure. A lot of people in her life have failed her, and she will need you. You are doing a good thing, possibly saving her life. These things have a way of haunting a person her entire life.
@ There isn’t always “proof.” There aren’t always bruises from touching or gripping. There’s not always DNA. We’re talking about someone old enough to speak up for themselves, to make her own report. Be wise about it, but it still needs to be done, and she’s going to need all the emotional support available to her.
@@candicehugginsYou are horrible support people. You Allow the abuser around you guys. Stop you guys are not real believers to be around child molester and
My mom still sends my molesters Christmas cookies and says “I love you” to them when she gets off the phone. I’m not yet no contact but super low contact, after 100+ conversations about it she still doesn’t understand why I won’t “leave it in the past”.
EXACT same thing happened to my sister. We didn’t learn of this until my sister was about 40 a couple years ago. I love my parents but both parents swept the whole thing under the rug years ago. Very hard to love my parents still anymore. How could adults do NOTHING???
Because they probably feel shame and embarrassment. In their heads, this is a big burden to carry and the picture of their happy family ends when they accept their daughter’s abuse 😢
I wrote in to the show about a very similar thing, except imagine that the childhood abuser is invited and your family knows, and gaslights you into forgiving them.
Hold up- I’m Australian and a Registered nurse, so I’m a Mandatory reporter. If I’m found to NOT report, I’m now in trouble with the law. WHY WHY WHY would you NOT report. My Gosh WHY???? This makes me angry!
This is similar to what happened with my husband's family years ago. We were the ones that were ostracized because we didn't want to pretend to be a happy family with a pedophile. It stated when my sister-in-law was two years old! She can't have children because of the damage that was done to her physically. The opinions of pedophile sympathisers shouldn't matter, even when they're family. They chose a side and it was the wrong one. Its never okay to touch children!
This could have been my story, (I was 9. They were 15 and 17 and it went on for a while when those cousins stayed with us) but when I told my mom, she shut me down, bc she said my dad would kill them (he was physically abusive to us). As far as I was concerned, that side of the family was dead to me when I was able to say I wouldn’t be around for events. The good/sad thing, I stepped up and had advocated for myself. I was only 14 and I didn’t get any grief from my family for it.
I’m in my sixties and my cousin abuse me when I was seven to eleven. He was seventeen when it started and the only reason it stop ,we moved away .This affected me in so many ways . My biggest regret was not telling my parents when it happened. I was 33 before I told my mother and the weight that was lifted from me was unbelievable. My mother cried and said she was so sorry and it explained so much . The only thing she did ask was not to tell my father. Her words - He will kill him and end up in jail,he never knew and passed in 1998. I have always kept a relationship with my cousin,his sister and about ten years ago i told her and she broke down and he had been abusing her and she even went to her parents when it was happening and they didn’t believe her . He died last year and my family ( most of them knew nothing about this ) got upset that I wouldn’t come to his funeral. Keep in mind even when I move back I had nothing to do with him and haven’t seen him since we move ,stay away from any family functions that I knew he would be at . It’s a different time now , advice to parents is to talk to your children. Tell them the things that are not right for other people to do to them and don’t trust anyone. It’s sad that a lot of times you can’t trust your own family. And for all that say just get over it , you just don’t get it because it’s hasn’t happened to you and for a few ,you will be joining him in hell you know who you are .
This the problem with toxic/dysfunctional families. They sacrifice the needs and wellbeing of the young to protect the system and the wants of older members. Sometimes you just have to either restrict contact or eliminate it for the sake of yourself and those you have a responsibility to protect. Why? Because families are toxic because there is no regard for boundaries or the needs of children. So trying to get them to respect healthy/moral boundaries can be a Sisyphean task. One that may ultimately not worth the frustration, or the risk.
Supervision is required at all times - you can’t trust other children, because many times they are the offenders. It is sad, because chances are… these older children were also victims and/or introduced to inappropriate material. There comes a point where the age gap makes you go “okay, you definitely knew right from wrong.” A closed door and an older cousin was all it took for something to happen to me. For years I thought I was the only one that happened to, and I didn’t tell my mom until I was 16. if I had been brave enough to say something earlier, then maybe my other cousin would have avoided an even worse (in my opinion) encounter.
My how things have changed. When this happened in my family, 60 years ago. Mom and my sisters went to counseling. My mom’s counselor told my mom the best thing she could do was get this familiar back together. Meaning bring Dad back into the family. Mom’s priest told her the same thing…. Would that she had a counselor like John…
Usually when teens abuse children - they themselves were abused. The teens might not even know what they are doing is wrong and it’s a way of coping with what happened to them. The fact that her family has a known adult predator raises many alarm bells to this regard as well. Still the teens need help, as they need process what happened to them and understand them doing that to other kids is also not right. The whole thing is a mess tho. At the end of the day an evil adult who knows what they are doing is wrong is now spreading their sickness to generations. Truly horrific. But it takes a single adult to step up and put an end to this madness.
Even if the teens were themselves abused, there is no guarantee that it was at the hands of another family member. I heard of a situation where it was a friend's family member (the friend's dad was the abuser and multiple children from more than one family were involved - I think he was only caught and jailed because he kept pictures). A different family had issues with their oldest son acting out and it turned out he was being abused at school. I don't know the outcome of that one, only that the family was able to stop the abuse and the child got help to try to overcome the trauma.
Praying for this family. Secrets Kill. I tell mine there are no good secrets. I carried this shame until my 20s when I got into therapy and it’s a heavy load that has its own consequences.
If one person in our family had done this for the little girl who had been abused in our family - she may not have ended up having addiction problems at 17 years old - she ended up getting help and recovery but none of the adults in the family affirmed her reality - it was all kept silent.
The whole "we are family" toxic gaslighting needs to stop. If you are not comfortable seeing family then don't. You can only control you. Do not allow anyone else to control you or tell you what you can or can not do.
Accepting these individuals into a family event normalises odious and criminal behaviour. Making it normal helps no one. If you don't protect the vulnerable, you harm them. What will it take for you to stand up and be strong agains these folk. I wish this woman well.
Going through the comment section I am alarmed to know how many, many people have gone through sexual abuse. I guess I have been exceptionally Blessed to have had a loving and respectful family. I had a wonderful, healthy, happy childhood. My parents were the world to me. My siblings? I wish everyone had brothers and sisters like mine. Even my uncles and aunts and grand parents, a lot of them have passed over, are so loving and caring. Cannot dream of them misbehaving with anyone in the family. All solid citizens and May their tribe increase.
My bff is in a similar situation. Her aunt accused her grandfather of molesting her as a child. Her grandma stuck with him although the whole family believes the aunt. Her parents never stopped hanging out with the grandparents but wouldn’t leave their kids alone with granddaddy. Now she has kids and does the same. My bff actually does not like her kids to go play at other relatives’ or kids’ houses if a man lives there because she is so worried which causes friction with her husband.
I would be interested in knowing why the rest of the family are OK being around them. Do they know something she doesn't? Do they just want to ignore it?
LOL she doesn't know anything about it. How do you hear about this news and not even know if a report was ever filed? It's almost like she has never once verified whether it's true or not.
STAY AWAY!. You need to realize your mother is part of the problem, are you going to leave your children in her care. What about if those people show up while she is looking after your children?? Mom needs to go.
I don't understand how anyone, let alone someone who works with kids, let alone a someone who knows the mandated reporting law, find this confusing. Difficult, yes. Painful, yes. But the right/wrong seems to me so clear, unlike some other situations: it's normal not to want to have a warm family celebration with a child abuser, let alone with a family that has effectively put its own comfort and reputation above the well-being of a child, and it's right to report abuse and wrong to shirk that responsibility, even if there weren't a law (and someone who works with children and is a mandated reporter supposedly knows the recidivism statistics, or at least the incredibly high likelihood that the longer a sexual molester is at large, the more children will be sacrificed on the altar of his urges). I also don't understand how anyone can be shocked when a spouse, no matter how mild-mannered, becomes furious when learning a trusted family member has used that trust to sexually molest a child. How is the right and wrong of this in any way unclear? Would anyone feel unclear about telling family members they don't want to join a holiday celebration attended by an uncle who had murdered a niece? Child abuse is soul murder...or at least, a life sentence of having to struggle overcome that result.
I was a music teacher for decades. An easier way to achieve the posture you describe is: 1. Lift your shoulders to your ears. 2 Drop them down, like hagning them on your collar bones. 3. Breathe deeply. It usually prevents the stiffness in back muscles that you can only maintain for moments.
20 years ago my nephew came to visit. He told me he was physically abused by his dad. I am a teacher, I reported it. My sister and her abusive husband have not spoken me to this day. I was the only one who stood up. I was not invited to his wedding but I know I did the right thing cause others had also reported it as well.
Because of this pesky little thing called "innocence until proven guilty". I know, that pesky phrase fills you with uncontrollable rage, but it's a concept that only people of elevated intelligence stand by, Jamie.
Would it be petty for the caller to say to them, I'm not attending...and I'll also invite all my cousins to my house so they don't feel forced or pressured to be around the abusers, but also so they won't have the alternative of being left to be alone for the holidays either. Family can decide whether to miss out on the abuser(s) being there, or all the other innocent people who refuse to be there.
Poor girl. I know she said she was married, but 24 is so young to be grappling with this kind of issue. It's OK to take a stand for the right thing, even if your Mum is annoyed with you. XX
@@SusanaXpeace2u The caller was/isn’t young. She sounded young. She is 24 years old w/a supportive husband. She will not be navigating And she wasn’t abused herself. THAT ( believe me) is 1MILLION TIMES more difficult to “grapple with” than reporting abuse
I was sexually abused as a small child by my older half brother that is 10 years older. My mother never did anything about it. She seemed more concerned that i shut up about it. I could never go to family events without wanting to throw up. I stopped going home for visits. Its just too upsetting
Silence is what allows predators to continue. And when whole families know about the abuse but are silent, try to cover it up, hide, or dismiss the actions of a predator in the family, they're complicit in the abuse. And, in my opinion, are as guilty as the sicko they're trying to protect.
My gf cousin broke into my house and stole $20 in items, Christmas’s ended up being at my house, My rule was I’ll be nice to him anywhere and not start drama but he’ll never step foot in my house. If you steal from me once you’ll steal again. My gf said I was a controlling as$ for this and I refused to budge. Christmas went great. A lot of people said thank you for not inviting him we didn’t have to worry about anything being stolen from our purses but soon after my girlfriend had to go. she just couldn’t live with me not allowing her one family member in my house. Now for their Xmas party’s only 6 people show up vs the 30 when I banned him. Some people will stick by their family and drowned with them. Sometimes you just need to let them go.
My cousins are the same age as me I'm now 37. I didn't find out my uncle abused my cousins till I was 27 after he all ready died. He was invited to Christmas every year when some people knew. I was mad at my dad till my mom told me he was about to kill him when he found out. I just wish I'd known earlier.
I was a teacher and found out a really awful story....I was friends with a property owner, who was renting land to a couple who were sleeping in a tent on the land with their daughter. They were alcoholics. The male person was unrelated to the young girl. It was freezing at night. No electricity, but a derelict building with running water on the land. The Landlord was charging rent for 3rd world conditions. I reported it to the school, then to DOCS in Australia. They smoked, they drank....she barely got to school on time. I lost the friendship. Oh yeah that was over....but I DO NOT CARe!
You would be surprised how ridiculous people are about mandated reporting being for other people not “them” not their “people or family” I had people fight me anytime I reported someone they knew after they told me something disgusting someone they knew did or confessed and I would ask did they report them and they say no it’s none of my business despicable
Please please please definitely say something! I was 7 and my half brother was 16 and just started living with us. My dad caught him and sent him 3000 miles away back to his dad. The damage was done but back then things were swept under the rug. He had 2 boys of his own and I thanked God he had no girls. Then the granddaughters came... I told his sons about what had transpired and that I wasn't sure it would again, so this was their warning. MY dad got a call from him being upset about what I did. I got a call from my own father being bitched at for doing it. I reminded him that he is MY dad and said I guess that never mattered much and hung up. I always felt abandoned and alone about it all. I grew up with 3 full brothers and a huge fear of males in general. My mom tried, she really did but it just wasn't enough.
13,14,and 15 ! They knew better. I am so sick of families burying this under the rug .
My 14 year nephew molested my daughter when she was 5. Fortunately, she screamed for her brother who was 7 and she got away. I trusted him and left him to babysit for a couple of hours. The next day, I was driving my 3 kids and my 3 nephews when my son blurted out he would tell me what that nephew did. I reported to the police and the children’s aid became involved. But because at 5 my daughter could not fully verbalize what happened, they said there was nothing they could do. Because I accused my nephew, reported to police, and the police reported to children’s aid my sister encouraged her 2 younger sons to bully my son and daughters.
My grandfather always insisted that my cousins and I play in front of adults, and I never understood why he was so strict about it. He didn’t allow us to play alone without supervision and looking back, I now see how much care and wisdom there was in that rule! I remember there was always an aunt or uncle watching over us and every so often, my grandfather or grandmother would come by to check on us and make sure we were okay. I feel truly blessed to have grown up in such a caring family. Even though everyone was trustworthy, my grandfather took extra precautions and taught his children the importance of having us play under adult supervision.
Granddad obviously knew that someone in the vicinity was very much not trustworthy.
@@hedgeandhue Exactly what I was thinking, he saw or heard something that the others were not aware of.
Smart Grandpa, I have that same rule.
Because there was someone there who wasn't trustworthy is why he was so strict.
He already knew and didn’t want the same story to repeat
When I finally disclosed to my parents about something that had happened to me at a school campout over ten years before, my father held me, supported me, and then explained that he needed to report it. He is a high school teacher and took his mandated reporting that seriously. I can't believe all of the adults with detailed knowledge of the abuse could just ignore that.
I agree its really really sad. I beleive they are all just pushing forward using oh well its family excuse or they are changed bs
Imagine how the poor child feels now, ignored and hurt
I like your dad's response
You are so lucky to have a good dad!
Can I ask you why it took you 10 years to tell them? Why not say it as soon as it happened?
@yanetmacias3466 processing time
Child-on-child SA isn't readily discussed, so isn't readily understood, do takes time to process
Even adult victims of adult perpetrators can take years to process the events
Sexual violence is insideous and a completely different kettle of fish to all other violence
I was molested by an older cousin’s husband when I was 6. The overwhelming majority of my pain & anger is towards my parents who failed to protect me, followed by not believing the abuse ever happened. Not even when he was caught with another child decades later (never reported to police and they blamed the young girl for enticing him); not even when my cousin told my mom that he molested me. My parents would even stay overnight at this cousin’s home, and my youngest sister would spend unsupervised weekends at their place. it’s one thing to be a pervert who harms children, it’s another thing altogether when parents refuse to protect or even believe their own children. My wrath is for my parents.
This is soooo crazy, I am so very sorry for you and those other children.
@@Hislittlelamb I don’t understand the dynamics that causes parents to fail their children that way. You have every reason to feel the way you do. It is my prayer that you will be able to forgive them because wrath causes deep emotional damage. Forgiveness doesn’t clear them of blame. But it can help you heal. “His little lamb” invokes an image of Jesus holding you, His precious lamb in His loving arms and wrapping you in His peace.
I hear you. Ever since I had my first baby (I have 5 and the oldest is 20 } the anger towards my mom has actively festered. I really have trouble looking her in the eye. I did try to tell her in a way she would feel what she set me up for day after day but she says things like “well sorry! I was a terrible mother I guess!” Or “well I’m sorry YOU feel that way.” Etc. :( it seems to never go away., does it?
@@Teenywing In my case it only happened the one time & I blocked out the perp’s face. I was made to feel like I’d done something wrong. I was fearful & didn’t tell anyone, I didn’t know.
I can only image the pain of having repeated encounters. It’s just evil to its core. I have much respect for those who protect children.
@ No. In this life, it never goes completely away. Only by the grace of God who can take our broken pieces and use them for our good does healing come. The evil that happened to us, intended by the enemy to destroy us, God can use to make us stronger, more loving people. Call on the name of Jesus, our redeemer, and ask for His peace. Eventually you will find that though the event is still in your memory, He can heal your heart and renew your mind. By the power of His Holy Spirit, forgiveness can come. And when we can forgive, we can be free.
For me, forgiving hasn’t been a one and done. I have had to practice forgiveness. But the peace I experience makes it well worth the effort. I thank God that He has given me the grace and strength to forgive. 🙏🏼❤️
she is extremely mature for her age - good for her
The opposite
Childless.
Bases her opinions on passing rumors without even caring to understand the details.
I'm sure she appears mature from where you're standing, but in reality, this woman is a perpetual child.
this situation is almost identical to what I’m currently going through. I’m literally shocked because I’ve been upset about it all week and then John posted this video. except in my situation, the abuser in question is a grown adult and just because he has substance abuse issues people make excuses for his behavior. I continuously am made to feel like I am insane and overreacting for setting boundaries and refusing to attend events he’s at. this is my first Christmas home in five years, and I was just told the other day that he will be at Christmas… Meaning that I will spend yet another Christmas alone and be guilt tripped for not attending since i’m in town this time.
thanks john for the validation that IM NOT THE INSANE ONE.
You don’t have to spend Christmas alone. I do believe a lot of places have church service on Christmas morning. Plus, I’d 100% rather be alone than to be in the presence of an abuser of children.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. They need to respect your boundaries 😢
No you are not insane!
Find a place serving Christmas dinner to homeless, or soldiers. Volunteer to was shelter dogs. There are plenty of things you can do with like minded people who truly believe it is better to give than to receive
No you do not have to be alone, when I was alone, Christmas 1983 before my husband and 3 children were allowed to join me from a very opressive country I went to the charity that gets meals for thepeople in need and worked the whole day serving people who were more desperate than me. I still have lovely memories of that day.
A 15 year old abusing a 6 year old? He definitely needs jail time
Big time 😢
You know at that age how disgusting that is
Yes maby. Ill ask why is a 14 -15 year old do this. Is this what happened to them ?
@@migelsker That's a good thought. It doesn't excuse the teen's actions but one should consider if they were also a victim in the past.
They might've been abused all their life too. We don't know their mental state
That fell heavy on me. 68 years ago, the year I was born, my father, now deceased, molested my then 11 year old sister. Carrying that horrible secret cost her sanity. I found out about it when I was 16 as my mother was becoming increasingly hostile towards me while my dad began to give me some attention and hugs. I just thought he was being nice taking my brothers and me to the pool and on outings. Then out of the blue my mother accused me of, “trying to get my dad to do the same thing to me that he did to my sister.” It was shocking and beyond disgusting to realize the horrible thing he did and that not only did no one protect my sister, she was blamed!
As soon as I was able, I got out of that putrid, toxic house, moved 1000 miles away and never looked back. My sister joined me a few years later and lived near me until her death a few years ago. She never truly recovered.
😢 I’m so sorry that your mother put blame on you with hostility. and for your poor sister💔. Sending tons of love and care your way 🪽
I am so sorry about the ideas and concepts around sexuality were taught or learned in a twisted way. I am 75 and it took me many years to get the story about why my mother was nasty and abusive to me the daughter . She had been sexually abused for years by an uncle. She was a child under the age of 12 but she like me looked 15 when she was 10. My own father thought she had had an affair because of some of her actions (she told my father before they were married) he did not understand what he was looking at. My mother had advanced dementia when he told me what she had told him. He was truly ignorant . He and I had several talks about the subject even year after she had passed. I bet your mom had been sexually abused and was convinced by society it was her fault.
@@Filmchica99 Thank you.
By the power of the Lord Jesus I have been able to forgive and move on. And my sister is safe with the Lord. No matter what happens in this life, eternity with our Lord makes everything else insignificant.
It is sad how much evil has been perpetrated on innocent children. God forgives sin, transgression and inequality. But He in no way clears the guilty.
Wow that is so sad about your sister. Parents are so toxic-the ones committing the crime and the ones who can't deal with it.
Bless you for providing your sister with a place of safety and love.
I went no contact with my mom recently for repeatedly disrespecting my boundaries about NOT being around my step-abusers. She never stood up for me, always made me disregard my safety and bodily autonomy. I just couldnt do it anymore. Best of luck, hope she is able to be strong and cut these awful people out of her life.
My Mom never stood up for me, either.
Mine still sends mine Christmas cookies and says “I love you” when they get off the phone.
@@rabblerousin8981 Yikes!
❤💪
Me either. Good on you! ❤ 4 years no contact here..
You can hear the relief in her voice when he told her what she should do 😊
50 some years ago, my aunt was that little girl. And no one stood up for her. She was abused by her father, the one person she should have been able to trust. Our family carried that secret until he died, and it wasn’t until after he was dead that the truth came out. He was a child molester and abuser, and everyone stayed silent. They allowed small children to be around him, including his grandchildren. He was an evil man who had no business being around anyone, let alone children. He was shielded and was revered in his church as a godly man. The truth was, he was being protected from accountability. I can’t look at my grandmother the same way, I don’t have a relationship with her because she didn’t protect my aunt, or even my mom. These secrets always come out, it’s just a matter of time. And it will destroy families one way or another. that little girl is no doubt hurting, but she’s very lucky to have someone who cares. This caller is a wonderful person who is in a bad spot.
"Revered in his church as a godly man", where have I heard that before.
@@jabrams875 Too many churches help hide predators. I’m afraid some of them are havens that attract harmful men who want to get away with horrible things by claiming repentance.
@@jabrams875 there’s a huge number of religious and non-religious people who do these disgusting things.
When my sister told me that she was going to believe her son over my daughter after finding out that my daughter had been abused for years by her son. I immediately decided right there that I was going to go no contact with her from then on. Our children were older when we found out and he wouldn’t really be around but I couldn’t support someone who supported someone who did this. I still had to protect my daughter from them too. It broke our family but I need to support my daughter.
Did you file charges?
That's a tough situation. Would you believe her immediately if she was saying that your son did something to her? Or would you defend him until there was further proof?
I think it’s more complex the younger they are. I remember my mom asking me if my cousin ever touched me when I was less than 8 years old I wanna say? I had no clue why she was asking me or why in such a tense tone. I really didn’t even know what she was talking about so I just said “yes” on a whim to hope she would stop asking because I thought she meant touching when we were playing with toys and stuff. It wasn’t my intention to lie, I simply didn’t understand the seriousness and context of the question. I immediately knew I gave the wrong response when I saw her face. I didn’t see my cousin for a while and I still can’t remember if I cleared it up but I’m allowed around him now and seeing him for Christmas. It’s hard because there’s no hard evidence just words you have to go by. But whether it’s true or not your child won’t regret you keeping her safe a day in her life. I knew my mom not allowing me to see my cousin was my fault and I never blamed her for it.
You were 100 PERCENT right. Good for you. Absolutely never doubt that you did right. Good mom.
My sister would have been looking at me from the floor.
And then never again.
Thank you for believing your child.
They need us to advocate for them❤️
Unreported, this multiplies. Please do the right thing and get justice and protection for this child.
It's been made public
They were kids. 🙄.
@@miketheyunggod2534they were teens and could be prosecuted as adults if decided, because at that age they know well enough what they were doing it.
@@miketheyunggod2534 That doesn't matter when the abusers are that much older than the victim. She was 6 and they were 14 to 16 years old.
Do not stay silent!!!! That little girl needs you!!!!
My whole family (he even admitted it) sexually assaulted me for years. They are always inviting him and telling me I could go (knowing full well I have no desire to) I now spend holidays alone because I absolutely refuse to be around people who will always choose the pedophile over the survivor.
Damn thats gross so sorry this happened to you
Very sorry you have such a crappy family who refuse to support you. Shame on them! Find your tribe because they are not it. I hope you have some professional support to help you heal. ❤️🇨🇦🙏
Omg that's so horrible 😢 I'm sorry. I was thinking the caller should say I refuse to go to the family get togethers, then also invite any of the cousins who were abused so that they don't feel uncomfortable being there but also aren't left out from celebrating.
Oh I'm so sorry. Those of us that have been abused I wish there was some way we could have an online holiday and invite all the "spend the holidays alone" people together and just say you are loved.
Wait-one child, multiple abusers? This is horrifying. And NO ONE is standing up for this child?? That’s heartbreaking. I have no words for how awful this is.
It's really common, actually.
@@ark194 Common doesn't make it less horrifying or heartbreaking. Don't try to normalize or numb this.
@@sitcomchristian6886 acknowledging that this is common doesn’t mean that they are inferring that it is normal. Common and normal have different meanings.
At 14-16 years of age they knew what they were doing was wrong 😢They KNEW
They knew and likely were abused as well. 4 siblings? Yes, that whole family needs to be looked at.
"You are right, I DON"T keep those kind of secrets" such a freeing stance to take and well worth it. We had a similar family deal. I said "Look, if your teenager made a bad choice and burned a building down, they would be responsible along with their legal guardians. Why do you think you can shove aside an equally damaging bad choice and refuse to take responsibility for a minor in your care? If you care about this young person, you are going to help them make better choices!" Some of the family got upset over our stance as a couple and say that we should be ashamed of making other family members afraid of us. But that kind of fear isn't a bad thing... guess who the "fearful" family members come to when they need someone they can trust? Stand strong for what is right.
Have a similar situation. Learned many years ago that my uncle abused his younger sister when she was 6. Most of the family , my aunt included still see him and invite him to family gatherings. I tried to see what could be done but because of prescription and the fact that it wasn’t me, there is nothing I can do on a legal point of view or it would be defamation (I don’t know how things are in the US but French Law is not helping at all) I have warned family members with children , to make sure they knew , I don’t want any kids to be abused by this monster but they don’t believe it or choose to be in denial. I go back home only once a year with the agreement that when I am here I don’t want to see him at all. If they choose to invite him they know I would have the conversation that no one wants to hear. It makes me mad. I can understand that it is difficult for them , I love my parents but the way I see it they are all complicit.
It's a life-long trauma for a child to grow up knowing the family chose saving face over the comfort of a child, in the name of Christmas or any type of family event. This is how you break up a family, devalue the victim and pretty much shove it in their face.
Oh, you've met my family
Thank you so much, John. Your words will be a gift to thousands of survivors who feel they have to tiptoe around abusive family members. You are a gem!!
John, you killed it with this call!!! I did the same posture gesture, because I’m going through hardships in my family and wow it helped a lot
I had an uncle by marriage who messed with several of my cousins. My folks never let my siblings or me to spend time at his house. They didn’t know about the abuse until much later and I am eternally grateful that we weren’t allowed.
I bet they had a 'feeling' about this uncle. Trust your gut.
@@kimlandefeld3005 exactly. some people just give you the ick!
I am 60 years old. At the age of 18, I left my foster home of 17years and never went back. I forged a new life for myself and it was extreemly difficult, scary but so very worth it. You see,, my entire life in that foster home was toxic with abuse mostly from the foster father. Sexual, mental, emotional and physical abuse. I survived and cut all ties with that family. Found happiness and even found love (40years with a kind, gentle, good man). Resiliance of the human spirit is an incredable thing....if you give it a chance and nurture it. Dont settle for pain because you have gotten used to it. Strive for peace and happiness because you do deserve it.
I wish everyone in the world was like you. Chooses to protect the child and do the right thing
Why did I start crying when he said, "When everyone is being crazy around you, it's easy to start thinking you're crazy too"? Christmas gathering sure brings up a lot of old hurt
Thank you, Dr. Jon for being strong for her and with her.
My gf cousin broke into my house and stole $20 in items, Christmas’s ended up being at my house My rule was I’ll be nice to him anywhere and not start drama but he’ll never step foot in my house if you steal from me once you’ll steal again. My gf said I was a controlling as$ for this and I refused to budge. Christmas went great. A lot of people said thank you for not inviting him. We don’t have to worry about anything being stolen from our purses but soon after my girlfriend had to go, she just couldn’t live with me not allowing her one family member in my house. Now for their Xmas papery only 6 people show up vs the 30 when I banned him. Some people will stick by their family and drowned with them. Sometimes you just need to let them go.
Please tell me you made her your ex immediately after she threw a tantrum.
Get rid of your f buddy.
Sadly LOTS of families have to deal with this, so I’m very happy this call was made. Very mature woman. We dealt with this for the last four years until my sister in law broke up with the man. It’s amazing how one person can tear a family apart
This happens so much. Thank you for addressing a much needed discussion.
Stand true to your convictions. Even if family cuts you off.
"Good for you, qkween! Choose you over family!" is peak 2024. Just when you think your ilk couldn't up the moral decay any more.
This one made me cry. I was that 8 year old girl.
Same. I was 5. And again at 12 by someone different. ❤
The Lord healed me and I pray you are ok. ❤❤❤
So sorry my dear😢
Me too. I’m 60 and it still haunts me.
I'm 71, was 9 when my uncle molested me. Never told anyone. I had an emotional breakdown 4 years ago & then went into therapy. Therapy helped save me. I knew at age 9 my parents wouldn't believe me, so I kept quiet. The body remembers.
My heart breaks for you. Praying for whatever healing is possible, that your scars will be used to help others as you understand them, and praying that you, and all these others will not allow the evil person who hurt you to CONTINUE to harm your life, by the way you live. Forgive me, I am not saying this as well as I am trying. I mean be free of whatever ongoing harm their choices COULD leave in your life. Enjoy your life, walk in wisdom but not fear.
A friend from years ago said the abuse started when he was 5 and the perp was a 12-year-old male cousin. My friend said by the time he was 12, he had had sex with at least a dozen others who were ALL children. Breaks my heart every time I think if it.
Nobody has to be anywhere just because of the date. Choose instead to spend your precious time with people who value and appreciate you. Pray for the others.
Having the life you want and need means that we enforce our boundaries. Give your "no" muscle a workout as often as needed. If we live our lives to please others, we don't have a life at all.
Sexual abuse within family members is so common unfortunately. Then when the victim speaks up, the rest of the family turns their back and pretend as nothing happened because it brings shame to the family unit. Disgusting!
And a life of estrangement.
The statute of limitations for California is until the victim is 28 so she is well within the limit of reporting.
I am so glad someone is going to take a stand! Because that little girl might be okay for now but with no accountability for her abusers and I’m assuming no therapy for her…what do they expect her teen year and 20s to look like?!?
These people are all teachers! They know better!
When you say she doesn’t still see them, I promise you she does. As a victim I can tell you, she sees them every day. It never stops for her. It happens over and over again and the silence forced on her is killing her from the inside. Do the right thing for her.
Fantastic advice. She needs to be the voice for those cousins. Quick turning a blind eye to this horrible situation. Prayers for your strength.
An in-law in my family behaved inappropriately with a child 40 years ago. Unfortunately we don't know any details, just that "something" happened according to their wife's deathbed confession. It's annoying because he of course says nothing happened and it was all lies. The child's family never pressed charges, and it's been too long to do anything, so now we're stuck.
No you’re not. You don’t have to associate with him. You can make that choice.
As someone who was that 6 year old little girl that had to deal with Christmas's where everyone hugged my abuser in front of me, declared their love for him in front of me, and celebrated with him in front of me all while knowing what he did to me, please, please report those boys. They knew what they were doing, don't let that little girl live with that weight like I had to. I used to be so full of life and joy and vibrancy, and it was all taken away by a 13yo older cousin. Please take care of that little girl.
Yes! Plan another out-of-town trip!
There is not a law that says you must attend events that make you deeply uncomfortable.
She has every right to just say no and stay home
She needs to report, not side-step around this silently like the rest.
My mom invited her family friend’s son who went to prison for downloading CP to thanksgiving this year. In the past, my mom has screamed at me and kicked me out after I expressed how uncomfortable I was around this person. She insists that it’s her friend’s son and it would be rude of her to not invite him. But of course my narcissistic mother is more concerned about how she would look like to her friend rather than valuing my comfort in my own home or even acknowledge that he is sick in the head and can never change. Can’t wait to move out and never live with my mom again.
You should have gone and asked him about it while you were all sitting around the table.
What is CP?
@@vintagejaki751 Child corn
@@vintagejaki751 child porn
@@vintagejaki751 child porn
Refusing to be around the abusers supports the former victim.
People being judgmental don’t understand how enmeshed these family systems are. They are largely blind to how dysfunctional it is. Good for her for reaching out and doing the NEXT best thing.
Yes. Mom verbally acknowledges it is dysfunctional but you can tell by other things she says and her actions that she truly doesn't get how bad it is. I love 5+ hours away from her now and don't talk to her much. She's beginning to realize it at 61 years old but that's because things have simply gotten THAT bad. It may sound harsh but at this point it will be a blessing and huge relief for her when her parents (my grandparents) pass away.
Years and years we all had someone who not only SAd young ppl we didn't know but their own wife's younger sisters too and he was at every single family gathering, but many of us never knew because we were so young. When we found out and didn't want him there any more, the excuse was "he is still marred to..and is the parent of.." which is even more disgusting.
Unfortunately, it is absolutely the caller’s responsibility now. I’m in disbelief and disgust that this family is a family of educators. I hope this young woman and her husband take it upon themselves to help change the course of this little girl’s life.
Good advice, as long as she is sure she has all the facts to make the best decision.
The caller needs to remember that her children will be in danger if she and her husband decide to have them. She needs to be very clear about how she will handle family contact once she has her own kids and communicate that to her husband.
A family member hid from the rest of the family the fact that her son, as a teen abused a small child. He then went on to abuse my nephew because my sister in law, not knowing, left her son in his care for a couple of hours while she went to lunch with her elderly grandmother. The guy is now in and out of prison because he keeps reoffending in (thankfully) smaller ways (just parole violations). But that secret destroyed whatever relationship my sister in law had with her dad and step mom because she blamed them even though her aunt never told ANYONE about it. She kept it 100% a secret to protect her son who is a pedo offender. You never coddle the ones doing the evil. Never.
John, you are great! Thank you for everything you said to this young woman. I believe you gave her the strength to do what she really wanted/knew to do.
This woman’s family members are doing no favors to the victims OR the perpetrators who are not getting the help they desperately need as well as all the other victims that are out there because they have not been held accountable. I can’t imagine this is an isolated incident. Also, all the adults that are forced to keep this vile secret. That is a lot of pain that has been growing for years because somebody was too afraid to do the right thing. I hope things work out for the family and everyone involved.
Something almost identical happened in our family decades ago, before I was even born: abuse by an older (still minor) cousin of a young child. To my knowledge, from the bits and pieces I’ve gathered for years now, it was an ongoing thing that no one was aware of.
Once it was made aware, here’s where our stories differ. It was reported, although for several different reasons, I don’t believe either charges were fully brought or that he was fully prosecuted - which very likely still play a huge part in our family’s lives. The mother of our cousin (now in his late 50’s I believe) loves to plan family events for everyone, but we just don’t ever - EVER - feel comfortable around him. If we’re ever forced together, I’m watching my daughters like a hawk.
It was devastating to find out about this when I was in college, and my heart breaks for our family member who was abused. We’re talking about 40+ years ago… but I don’t think she’s ever really been able to heal. She will not open up to us about it, but we do desperately want to help her. She is a believer…. but she also tries to mask the pain with substances - which we did not know about until two years ago I think.
I say all that to say this: PLEASE do what you can now to show all the support for this young girl. Report it. Press charges if you can. She will need the closure. A lot of people in her life have failed her, and she will need you. You are doing a good thing, possibly saving her life. These things have a way of haunting a person her entire life.
@ There isn’t always “proof.” There aren’t always bruises from touching or gripping. There’s not always DNA. We’re talking about someone old enough to speak up for themselves, to make her own report. Be wise about it, but it still needs to be done, and she’s going to need all the emotional support available to her.
You are horrible support people. You Allow the abuser around you guys. Stop you guys are not real believers to be around child molester and
You are horrible support people. You Allow the abuser around you guys. Stop you guys are not real believers to be around child molester and
You are horrible support people. You Allow the abuser around you guys. Stop you guys are not real believers to be around child molester and
@@candicehugginsYou are horrible support people. You Allow the abuser around you guys. Stop you guys are not real believers to be around child molester and
My mom still sends my molesters Christmas cookies and says “I love you” to them when she gets off the phone. I’m not yet no contact but super low contact, after 100+ conversations about it she still doesn’t understand why I won’t “leave it in the past”.
You deserve better. I’ll say what you probably don’t yet: your mom doesn’t deserve the privilege of being your mom. She’s a disgrace.
That’s heartbreaking 😢
Leave her in the past.
EXACT same thing happened to my sister. We didn’t learn of this until my sister was about 40 a couple years ago. I love my parents but both parents swept the whole thing under the rug years ago. Very hard to love my parents still anymore. How could adults do NOTHING???
Because they probably feel shame and embarrassment. In their heads, this is a big burden to carry and the picture of their happy family ends when they accept their daughter’s abuse 😢
I wrote in to the show about a very similar thing, except imagine that the childhood abuser is invited and your family knows, and gaslights you into forgiving them.
Idk if someone can gaslight you into forgiving but they can certainly manipulate you into thinking they’re worth of forgiveness.
@@SisterSanMiguel They certainly tried.
Please dont go.. please protect yourself.
And report it.
@@marietteestabrook4098 it's been 32 years. No proof except my crumbling existence lol
Hold up- I’m Australian and a Registered nurse, so I’m a Mandatory reporter. If I’m found to NOT report, I’m now in trouble with the law. WHY WHY WHY would you NOT report. My Gosh WHY???? This makes me angry!
This is similar to what happened with my husband's family years ago. We were the ones that were ostracized because we didn't want to pretend to be a happy family with a pedophile. It stated when my sister-in-law was two years old! She can't have children because of the damage that was done to her physically. The opinions of pedophile sympathisers shouldn't matter, even when they're family. They chose a side and it was the wrong one. Its never okay to touch children!
This could have been my story, (I was 9. They were 15 and 17 and it went on for a while when those cousins stayed with us) but when I told my mom, she shut me down, bc she said my dad would kill them (he was physically abusive to us). As far as I was concerned, that side of the family was dead to me when I was able to say I wouldn’t be around for events. The good/sad thing, I stepped up and had advocated for myself. I was only 14 and I didn’t get any grief from my family for it.
I’m in my sixties and my cousin abuse me when I was seven to eleven. He was seventeen when it started and the only reason it stop ,we moved away .This affected me in so many ways . My biggest regret was not telling my parents when it happened. I was 33 before I told my mother and the weight that was lifted from me was unbelievable. My mother cried and said she was so sorry and it explained so much . The only thing she did ask was not to tell my father. Her words - He will kill him and end up in jail,he never knew and passed in 1998. I have always kept a relationship with my cousin,his sister and about ten years ago i told her and she broke down and he had been abusing her and she even went to her parents when it was happening and they didn’t believe her . He died last year and my family ( most of them knew nothing about this ) got upset that I wouldn’t come to his funeral. Keep in mind even when I move back I had nothing to do with him and haven’t seen him since we move ,stay away from any family functions that I knew he would be at . It’s a different time now , advice to parents is to talk to your children. Tell them the things that are not right for other people to do to them and don’t trust anyone. It’s sad that a lot of times you can’t trust your own family. And for all that say just get over it , you just don’t get it because it’s hasn’t happened to you and for a few ,you will be joining him in hell you know who you are .
Mandatory reporters that didn’t report, disgusting
This the problem with toxic/dysfunctional families. They sacrifice the needs and wellbeing of the young to protect the system and the wants of older members.
Sometimes you just have to either restrict contact or eliminate it for the sake of yourself and those you have a responsibility to protect.
Why? Because families are toxic because there is no regard for boundaries or the needs of children. So trying to get them to respect healthy/moral boundaries can be a Sisyphean task.
One that may ultimately not worth the frustration, or the risk.
Supervision is required at all times - you can’t trust other children, because many times they are the offenders. It is sad, because chances are… these older children were also victims and/or introduced to inappropriate material.
There comes a point where the age gap makes you go “okay, you definitely knew right from wrong.”
A closed door and an older cousin was all it took for something to happen to me. For years I thought I was the only one that happened to, and I didn’t tell my mom until I was 16. if I had been brave enough to say something earlier, then maybe my other cousin would have avoided an even worse (in my opinion) encounter.
My how things have changed. When this happened in my family, 60 years ago. Mom and my sisters went to counseling. My mom’s counselor told my mom the best thing she could do was get this familiar back together. Meaning bring Dad back into the family. Mom’s priest told her the same thing…. Would that she had a counselor like John…
I'd be raising holy hell. No one is gonna enjoy that meal if I'm there 😂😢
Usually when teens abuse children
- they themselves were abused. The teens might not even know what they are doing is wrong and it’s a way of coping with what happened to them.
The fact that her family has a known adult predator raises many alarm bells to this regard as well. Still the teens need help, as they need process what happened to them and understand them doing that to other kids is also not right.
The whole thing is a mess tho. At the end of the day an evil adult who knows what they are doing is wrong is now spreading their sickness to generations. Truly horrific. But it takes a single adult to step up and put an end to this madness.
I totally agree. Hurt people hurt other people. They need healing in their lives to break this cycle of abuse.
Even if the teens were themselves abused, there is no guarantee that it was at the hands of another family member. I heard of a situation where it was a friend's family member (the friend's dad was the abuser and multiple children from more than one family were involved - I think he was only caught and jailed because he kept pictures). A different family had issues with their oldest son acting out and it turned out he was being abused at school. I don't know the outcome of that one, only that the family was able to stop the abuse and the child got help to try to overcome the trauma.
Yes, they are often also abuse victims, but they DO know it's wrong. If they hid that behavior, they knew it was wrong.
They know full well what they are doing is wrong. You are making excuses for them.
Praying for this family.
Secrets Kill.
I tell mine there are no good secrets.
I carried this shame until my 20s when I got into therapy and it’s a heavy load that has its own consequences.
Your video showed up in my feed today. Dude you totally rocked your feedback and guidance. Absolutely brilliant!!
I just wouldn’t go and not be afraid to say why if anyone asks. Yes, speaking from experience.
This Guy is my hero
If one person in our family had done this for the little girl who had been abused in our family - she may not have ended up having addiction problems at 17 years old - she ended up getting help and recovery but none of the adults in the family affirmed her reality - it was all kept silent.
Shamefully EVIL👿
The whole "we are family" toxic gaslighting needs to stop.
If you are not comfortable seeing family then don't.
You can only control you. Do not allow anyone else to control you or tell you what you can or can not do.
Accepting these individuals into a family event normalises odious and criminal behaviour. Making it normal helps no one. If you don't protect the vulnerable, you harm them. What will it take for you to stand up and be strong agains these folk. I wish this woman well.
Why would the abuser be invited if the Family knows??
Because families support the abusers. It's the families that create safe space for the abusers in the first place.
DENIAL!
Be a voice for the children when they don't have one that is heard.
Going through the comment section I am alarmed to know how many, many people have gone through sexual abuse. I guess I have been exceptionally Blessed to have had a loving and respectful family. I had a wonderful, healthy, happy childhood. My parents were the world to me. My siblings? I wish everyone had brothers and sisters like mine. Even my uncles and aunts and grand parents, a lot of them have passed over, are so loving and caring. Cannot dream of them misbehaving with anyone in the family. All solid citizens and May their tribe increase.
My bff is in a similar situation. Her aunt accused her grandfather of molesting her as a child. Her grandma stuck with him although the whole family believes the aunt. Her parents never stopped hanging out with the grandparents but wouldn’t leave their kids alone with granddaddy. Now she has kids and does the same. My bff actually does not like her kids to go play at other relatives’ or kids’ houses if a man lives there because she is so worried which causes friction with her husband.
She needs therapy
I would be interested in knowing why the rest of the family are OK being around them. Do they know something she doesn't? Do they just want to ignore it?
But know what exactly... Probs chose to ignore, easiest way
LOL she doesn't know anything about it. How do you hear about this news and not even know if a report was ever filed? It's almost like she has never once verified whether it's true or not.
Stay far away from family who make you tolerate the company of bad people. They don't change.
I just wouldn't go that way you've made your decision that you are comfortable with i with you on this no need for it 😢
STAY AWAY!. You need to realize your mother is part of the problem, are you going to leave your children in her care. What about if those people show up while she is looking after your children?? Mom needs to go.
Reading the comments is heartbreaking. The amount of women telling the same story of abuse and disregard by their own family members
You handled this beautifully.
I found out I have a relative that was never held accountable. Thank God I was never baby sat bet them. I refuse to deal with them - zero tolerance.
You should report, regardless of how long it's been. Imagine the other victims since then.
So everyone was a mandatory reporter and nothing happened? Nice. Most of the time if its children and they are close in age nothing happens anyways.
Technically it’s only mandatory in the context of their job not personal life, still disgusting though obviously
@@TonyCox1351 True, but it also means they have been given more training on how to recognize abuse. At least in theory.
That depends on the state. It’s sick either way. If you know something happened and keep it secret, you become an accomplice.
I dont have compassion for children that prey on children. Thats a whole new level of disgusting.
YES SENSEI, MY SHOULDERS ARE DROPPED, AND PULLED BACK.
I don't understand how anyone, let alone someone who works with kids, let alone a someone who knows the mandated reporting law, find this confusing. Difficult, yes. Painful, yes. But the right/wrong seems to me so clear, unlike some other situations: it's normal not to want to have a warm family celebration with a child abuser, let alone with a family that has effectively put its own comfort and reputation above the well-being of a child, and it's right to report abuse and wrong to shirk that responsibility, even if there weren't a law (and someone who works with children and is a mandated reporter supposedly knows the recidivism statistics, or at least the incredibly high likelihood that the longer a sexual molester is at large, the more children will be sacrificed on the altar of his urges).
I also don't understand how anyone can be shocked when a spouse, no matter how mild-mannered, becomes furious when learning a trusted family member has used that trust to sexually molest a child.
How is the right and wrong of this in any way unclear? Would anyone feel unclear about telling family members they don't want to join a holiday celebration attended by an uncle who had murdered a niece?
Child abuse is soul murder...or at least, a life sentence of having to struggle overcome that result.
Reporting can be anonymous! It's better to report than not. I really hope she reported it. she should have reported it once she got off the phone.
I was a music teacher for decades. An easier way to achieve the posture you describe is:
1. Lift your shoulders to your ears. 2 Drop them down, like hagning them on your collar bones. 3. Breathe deeply.
It usually prevents the stiffness in back muscles that you can only maintain for moments.
No contact with that entire side of the family. Your mum condones this behaviour. She is a part of the problem
20 years ago my nephew came to visit. He told me he was physically abused by his dad. I am a teacher, I reported it. My sister and her abusive husband have not spoken me to this day. I was the only one who stood up. I was not invited to his wedding but I know I did the right thing cause others had also reported it as well.
Hello, shouldn’t this guy be in jail or prison?
I heard 4 male cousins..
Because of this pesky little thing called "innocence until proven guilty". I know, that pesky phrase fills you with uncontrollable rage, but it's a concept that only people of elevated intelligence stand by, Jamie.
@@PearlySwine-y1f blow it out of your tail, boo
Would it be petty for the caller to say to them, I'm not attending...and I'll also invite all my cousins to my house so they don't feel forced or pressured to be around the abusers, but also so they won't have the alternative of being left to be alone for the holidays either. Family can decide whether to miss out on the abuser(s) being there, or all the other innocent people who refuse to be there.
Not petty just protection! The victims deserve a happy holiday in safe place without abusers or enablers near them.
Poor girl. I know she said she was married, but 24 is so young to be grappling with this kind of issue. It's OK to take a stand for the right thing, even if your Mum is annoyed with you. XX
@@SusanaXpeace2u The caller was/isn’t young. She sounded young. She is 24 years old w/a supportive husband. She will not be navigating And she wasn’t abused herself. THAT ( believe me) is 1MILLION TIMES more difficult to “grapple with” than reporting abuse
I was sexually abused as a small child by my older half brother that is 10 years older. My mother never did anything about it. She seemed more concerned that i shut up about it. I could never go to family events without wanting to throw up. I stopped going home for visits. Its just too upsetting
Silence is what allows predators to continue. And when whole families know about the abuse but are silent, try to cover it up, hide, or dismiss the actions of a predator in the family, they're complicit in the abuse. And, in my opinion, are as guilty as the sicko they're trying to protect.
My gf cousin broke into my house and stole $20 in items, Christmas’s ended up being at my house, My rule was I’ll be nice to him anywhere and not start drama but he’ll never step foot in my house. If you steal from me once you’ll steal again. My gf said I was a controlling as$ for this and I refused to budge. Christmas went great. A lot of people said thank you for not inviting him we didn’t have to worry about anything being stolen from our purses but soon after my girlfriend had to go. she just couldn’t live with me not allowing her one family member in my house. Now for their Xmas party’s only 6 people show up vs the 30 when I banned him. Some people will stick by their family and drowned with them. Sometimes you just need to let them go.
LOL the comment section is a hilarious reminder to be thankful that my family life is not some god awful trainwreck.
My cousins are the same age as me I'm now 37. I didn't find out my uncle abused my cousins till I was 27 after he all ready died. He was invited to Christmas every year when some people knew. I was mad at my dad till my mom told me he was about to kill him when he found out. I just wish I'd known earlier.
Your dad and family are still horrible for protecting him and not the children
Your dad and family are still horrible for protecting him and not the children
Your dad and family are still horrible for protecting him and not the children
Your dad and family are still horrible for protecting him and not the children
I was a teacher and found out a really awful story....I was friends with a property owner, who was renting land to a couple who were sleeping in a tent on the land with their daughter. They were alcoholics. The male person was unrelated to the young girl. It was freezing at night. No electricity, but a derelict building with running water on the land.
The Landlord was charging rent for 3rd world conditions.
I reported it to the school, then to DOCS in Australia. They smoked, they drank....she barely got to school on time.
I lost the friendship. Oh yeah that was over....but I DO NOT CARe!
You would be surprised how ridiculous people are about mandated reporting being for other people not “them” not their “people or family”
I had people fight me anytime I reported someone they knew after they told me something disgusting someone they knew did or confessed and I would ask did they report them and they say no it’s none of my business despicable
Please please please definitely say something! I was 7 and my half brother was 16 and just started living with us. My dad caught him and sent him 3000 miles away back to his dad. The damage was done but back then things were swept under the rug. He had 2 boys of his own and I thanked God he had no girls. Then the granddaughters came... I told his sons about what had transpired and that I wasn't sure it would again, so this was their warning. MY dad got a call from him being upset about what I did. I got a call from my own father being bitched at for doing it. I reminded him that he is MY dad and said I guess that never mattered much and hung up. I always felt abandoned and alone about it all. I grew up with 3 full brothers and a huge fear of males in general. My mom tried, she really did but it just wasn't enough.