I Still Live With My Parents And Financially Support Them!
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- Опубликовано: 19 фев 2022
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It always gets me when people immediately assumes an adult child living with their parents were getting "free rent". I even know people in high school who were the breadwinners.
That’s sad..high school
That’s because it’s mostly true in this day and age.
Well, as an Asian, it is also cultural for us. We live with our parents and we help pay the bills if they are not that rich. But then, my parents did pay for my schooling until college. They also provided for most of my needs and wants when I was young. We generally take care of them in their old age as well and it is not really a big deal because it is part of our culture. It is just different.
@@whatevergoesforme5129 which sucks for most of Americans because we don’t really find this type of culture as accepting but odd (which it shouldn’t be) & its literally a respectful culture!
@@shineymcshine5026 American culture is more individualistic and this mindset has helped Americans innovate and create new products/services so that is one pro of your culture. Any culture will have their pros and cons but it is better for all cultures to treat another culture as different from theirs instead of what I usually see--their culture vs my culture. I'd rather we incorporate the good from all cultures or even compromise when needed. In today's materialistic me-first world, maybe we should go back to the basics of making the family valuable again while being responsible for our actions. As far as I know, in the past, Americans did value the family and even though being independent was also valued, the community and the family were not always sacrificed for individual pursuits of happiness. Little House on the Prairie comes to mind.
Aches and pains? Really? I am getting the impression that both his parents are irresponsible and are taking advantage of the one child whom they have not already turned against them.
Sounds like my in laws 😂
Most people that age have aches and pains, but most don't let that stop them from taking care of themselves. His mother probably can and would take care of herself and his dad if she had to, but she doesn't because she has a young son in the house. If he moved out and paid somebody a few hundred dollars a month to show up once or twice a week to do the more physical chores in the house, she'd step up and take care of the rest.
What she means is she can't be bothered. Only late 60s - utterly pathetic.
Aches and pains? I have patients that still work with multiple chronic illnesses.
My wife and I did this for 10 years. Trust me- it absolutely wipes you out mentally, physically, and emotionally. You essentially put your life on hold to tend to the needs of your parents. No one that’s ever been in this situation can understand it. The siblings who have essentially washed their hands of it have put this guy in an impossible situation. I’m quite sure they are not volunteering to help out.
they will show up when there;s and estate or something to get.
I’m there now
I'm actually in a similar situation myself. It's emotionally and mentally draining. I believe parents like these never thought about their future, or their children's future well enough to realize how disastrous things could turn out later on in life. Just a little bit of forethought would've helped.
Don't feel guilty about living your own life you deserve it. after all they lifted their own life
@@buckybarnes3803 I wish but it's almost impossible because I'm an only child. Also my social skills were never fully developed so I struggle with SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) now.
@@professional.commentator
That's a tough situation to be in. You feel guilty if you don't take care of them because they're your parents but at the same time, you're also mentally and emotionally drained and stressed out because of the enormous responsibility. That sucks.
Wish your situation gets better soon.
My Grandmother is in this spot. She never prepared herself for this kind of situation. My mom has been in Ecuador caring for her since June 2021 and she hasn't been to her own home in the states with us since. It's irritating. Her siblings live in Ecuador but they don't want to put any work. Now we're debating to put her in a nursing home but that idea makes my mom cry. My brother and I can afford care for our grandmother (we're doctors) but at the same time we feel that if we do our uncles, who have the moral duty to care for their mother, are taking advantage of us.
@@charc4814 is it possible to bring your grandma to the US? So at least your mom can stay in her home where she's comfortable. I've known people like your uncles and it may take time for them to take action.
I had to care-take for my father after his health suddenly deteriorated when he was only on his late 50s. I was 24 and about to graduate from college. I managed to finish school just in time. Chose to forgo a bright future of moving to NYC for work, only to move back home and care for my dad. Didn't get help from my slightly younger sibling so it was just the two of us - father and son. In the process, I came to discover how bad my father's finances were and how it nearly fell into financial ruin because of a few unresolved problems that I was never aware of. We wrestled over these issues but eventually, I managed to get him some legal help which changed everything for the better. Eventually, we found a better living situation that allowed for him to be supported with 24/7 care for veterans. This allowed me to pick up and move on with life. It took a number of years, but I was eventually able to build a career, buy a home, pay off school, and build a desirable life. But those two and a half years of supporting my dad still haunt me inside.
Care taking is not for the weak. It can be very taxing on body, expensive on your finances, and distressful on your emotions. Seeing your elders suffer, sometimes at the hands of ineffective decision making can lead to feelings of disappointment because we always had higher expectations on them based on how we were raised. You find yourself becoming the parent or the more competent adult in the room. I agree 100% with Dave in that while it is an honorable thing to do in the short run, it is definitely an unsustainable lifestyle to live in the long term; our life's potential for greatness becomes less and less realized. Care-taking for family is also just flat-out financial suicide between the cost of providing for them while being not being able to elevate your own productivity. Not to mention, you miss out on the more priceless moments in life like love, marriage, travel, socializing, and so much more.
Your experience proves how unsustainable it is. Anyone who swears to "take care of my mom 100%" has never actually done it for even one week.
I did it Myself for 18 years, and no it's not a life you want to live in. God Bless You
I agree, my older selfish sister and my mother decided for me at a young age of 21 yrs and already at home taking care of my father, to do the same thing. I overheard this decision between them. Well, they decided my future for me, I had no choice. I prayed to God that night, to please help me to have a fulfilled life, because mom wasn't thinking right. My older sister never did help out, just like this young man's siblings. Well, God heard my prays, and unfortunately, three weeks later my father died, he was sick for so many years, and I was there every step of the way, because I really did love my him. Dave Ramsey so very correct, listen to him, you're not selfish, you deserve a life, God took over my life and I appreciate that!
That's why it's so important for people to be financially independent BEFORE having kids. You don't want your kids to be your retirement fund, it's not fair to your kids because you are hindering their future and their freedom to live their own lives.
You become a burden to your children and this will stunt their future successes.
Edit: I noticed alot of third world cultures who expect their children to be their retirement fund and that always causes relationship issues between the family and their future spouses. I have a lot of foreign co-workers and we talk about this all the time. They are stressed out because their parents were ill prepared and now expect the kids to financially support them.
Yeah my parents prepared financially before having kids.
Grew up with no worries.
Parents retired independently with no issues.
They didn't even sacrifice anything having/raising us.
We’ve been going through similar circumstances. My in-laws spent every dime that ever came in and now (in their 70’s) are asking for money (mortgage, Dr, bills etc). We feel that we should help but there will come a time (retirement)when we won’t have nearly as much. I’m always scared that we might not be able to retire because of their lack of planning. Then I always feel guilty. It’s so hard...
@@blackworldtraveler3711
Wow, you're lucky. You're parents are wise and prepared ahead.
@@happygirl7258
Man, that sucks.
Do you have kids of your own?
Because it sucks even more when you have to financially support your own kids _and_ your in-laws.
Since you're giving the in-laws money, that means less money for your own retirement fund. Yikes. 😰😬😓
Bad situation all around because how about when you get old and didn't have enough saved for your own retirement, who will you turn to? Not your in-laws that's for sure.
Exactly and this is specially more prevalent in eastern cultures, I came from one and it gets so bad between wives and mother in laws all the time because the mother is usually attached to her son or daughter straining everything. Eastern style families are recipes for failure usually for the head of the household. Every bit of drama, gossip attitude and belief is tied into it, it is pathetic.
Setting yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Ramsey is right on. Young ppl deserve to find love and settle down and build a family and future.
aches and pains are not a health issue , its called getting old .
yeah if you don't take care of yourself
Take these people for a daily walk. That is the start of your road to freedom. I am surprised Dave didn't ask about the house, how much is owed, how much it is worth. I'd look at selling the house and getting them something smaller for them. Get your own place and check in with them daily. I am 69 and have arthritis but would never expect my son to live with me. He comes over when I let him know I need a hand with something, like pruning the apple trees.
My daughters are all independant one not married, i had both knees replaced last march and my oldest daughter came to live with me for 2 weeks, it was wonderful
With a $3000/month income, these parents have a better than a average social security income.
He shouldn’t need to support them honestly.
If he’s paying all the housing costs, then I wonder where their money is going to?
Exactly what I was thinking..
medical...it is insane how expensive it is to take care of elderly parents.
He needs to check into Medicaid assistance
I have aches and pains and I'm in my sixties and I'm working!
Even my kids have aches and pains.
Everyone has aches and pains! But we keep working to NOT become a burden on our children.
I commend him for taking care of his parents. Ten to twenty years from now, the parents will be in worse shape, mentally and physically. This is what happens when parents don't have a plan, as if they don't know that they will get older. It's really selfish. Their kids are their plan.
As a parent, if I am getting $3K for SS benefits monthly, I won't live with an adult kid.
So, what would you do?
$1200(mom) + $1800(dad) = $3K
@@aolvaar8792 There are plenty of places you can live on that amount of money. If you are in an expensive area, get on a list for low income housing.
All it takes is one fall
@@aolvaar8792 Sell the house and move into a studio apartment for less than 1k a month....
@@marycarricaburu3683 In my city of 500K, 43 months waiting list.
if I am getting $3K, I I I ,
It's if my wife and I are getting $3K
Some nationalities expect this from their children. It's freaking sad. I couldn't imagine making my kids do this.
Yup, they feel like it's owed to them too.
Sadly it is true
Exactly! 💯💯💯
Some feel they are entitled to it. Their children _are_ their retirement fund.
to be fair, it's much more effed up to just leave your parents in the home for the agents when they're old and useless.
Don't blame this on culture. No parents would want it from their children. It's their choice at the end of the day
Parents, your children owe you NOTHING!!! My mom feels this way. “You’re going to take care of me when I’m old.” (Aka I’m allowed to be financially irresponsible and then depend on you…). My children owe me nothing. I will never put any financial responsibilities on them, it is my job to take care of myself and set them up to lead their own life.
Yeah it’s really too bad how many parents have more children to take care of the children they already have. Children raising siblings. Children being in permanent debt to their parents.
Bingo.
Yep, my mom does this too... drives me wild because I know it's wrong but I love her... DIFFICULT POSITION TO BE PUT IN... will not do this to my daughter!
Mom is this way as well.
God will honor his commitment to support his family. I hope the caller does eventually get the support he needs. I have an 80 year old father who still works 60 hours work weeks because he loves to work. Mom and dad are young enough to redeem their health. Sounds more of a spiritual problem than a financial where the parents are OK to take advantage of the good son.
Dave, I’m so thankful for your straight talk. It’s so easy for people who feel a strong sense of duty to end up feeling incredibly depressed and trapped under years of strain. It’s wonderful to hear your care, concern and sense. It brings such a sense of relief!
Aches and pains, what does that even mean? Sounds like she's never worked a day in her life.
Sounds like arthritis, which is a debilitating disease. I hope you never live the day to see your parents go through it.
@@ghostmane2643 If that was it I'm sure he would have said that, not aches and pains.
@@ghostmane2643 just lazy people don’t make excuses,
It depends. Elderly people get arthritis all the time but they may not know they have it until it's too late.
@@definedsinner8669 one could say the same of someone who uploads video game videos 🤣
My parents are immigrants and I am first generation living in Canada. My parents sacrificed their lives in raising us, providing us with shelter and everything. I dont remember them having days off, or holidays. All they did was for us siblings to have a better future.
Now I am in Medical school in Canada, and my parents are in late 50s. I will support them until they die, and yes you can have a family, a job and can take care of your parents.
This is my opinion.
True but you are in a different position in mindset about your parents in alignment with your life. For you I sense that the meaning behind your reasons is strong enough that you won't be like the caller no matter how rough it will get because you have a deep conviction. The guy that called is not in your position. Somehow he want out but feels held back otherwise he was not going to call. When you have told yourself that you die for a cause you don't feel scared but you do whatever it takes to win no matter what.
I believe when in you analysis you never find big flaws in a parent especially when there are a heroes to you, it very difficult to easily grasp Dave's idea to the situation you Ruther find something while still with them because there actually nothing that easily convince you to take a leap of faith, like trying to sort your life and come back and get them. But I do have a belief that if someone reach a point where they feel the situation is above them it wiser to look for alternatives that may end up fulfilling the same purpose in a different way. It Hard.
It's a good view, but you should realize that the parents being reliant on their kids prob just recurs from them having to support their parents in a similar position, making it tough for them to be financial independent. Someone who could break that cycle is commendable but would have to be able support not only themselves, but their parents and their kids.
How come they didn't plan for their retirement? Are you going to expect the same of your own children? And parents providing kids with "shelter and everything" is not a sacrifice, it's a duty.
Yea as long has u got the money that’s not a prob but his case is different
A teacher and mentor once said to me: If you're not careful you'll end up 50 years old and alone with little future after your parents' die.
My mother was 39 yrs I was 21 working and giving her wat ever she needs, bcuz I thought I was obligated to do it bcuz she helped me with my son… I eventually took my son wen he was 14 to live with me.. I paid off a house for my mother took care of her house billz wen she quit her job and all…. Now I’m 35 and have another baby and I’m not able to give her the world any more… she don’t care about me any more not even the new baby bcuz she so bitter that I have another child and she can’t relax and take full advantage of me any more. Our relationship went south
Sorry...she used you. Shame on her! May God Bless you
shes a narcissist
Pray for me. I’m going through the same thing
That poor guy his parents are putting a huge burden on him with their poor financial planning. My mom takes care of my grandma, she has mobility issues but my grandpa well before he died did excellent financial planning and walked my mom through it all so now my grandmother is stable on that front and is not a burden financially to my mother just care wise
I'm in the same boat.... if I dont help no one will.
In the same boat…. It makes me suicidal … lord forgive me to say this but it’s tru.. it’s my child n my husband n my mother so sad
"What would be the next best step . . . ?" was his question. The elephant in the room is that his parents never planned for their future and are now taking advantage of him, and he is letting them do that.
Plus they are spending too much
I envision two 350 pound smokers.
Yeah and they got $35k coming in..
350 pound smokers make it to their 60s?
I'm sort of in the same position too. Parents won't let me move out to live my own life. They expect me to stay with them forever and then they have audacity to tell me to go and start a family while living with them. Im looking at a miserable life ahead of me.
You don't need their permission to move out. Marry start a family and don't look back.
GET OUT FAST.
Brother (or sister) - PLEASE get out when you can. This is what happened to me and I'm paying the price for not being more assertive and bouncing when I had the chance.
Won’t let you? If you are over 18 you don’t need permission to leave your parents home. Make arrangements now to go to an out of state school (preferably), or find a job where you can create an income for yourself to pay for an apartment. It is natural and normal to at some point leave the nest we were born into. The time is now.
I think his siblings should be pitching in financially, even though they live out of town. The parents could, perhaps, go into some sort of senior living residence, with home health care assistance.
Like a parental child support.
live in senior homes are 9000$ a month, they are on social security they wont be able to afford it,
People rarely consider that there could be a history of abuse, neglect or alienation from the parents when the siblings were younger that led to them now not being a part of the parents' lives in their adulthood. In such cases it should not be *expected* that they should contribute to the parents' care in any way🤷♂️
The caller may be the only remaining child of theirs who cares / carries a sense of responsibility. At least they seem to acknowledge and accept that they are on their own. That said, it will be a small life for the caller if they choose to continue this until the parents pass away - they do it out of a sense of obligation, but no potential partner with sense would sign up to join them
@@izzie999 But what does that state about the partner if they, too, do not end up taking care of their parents? There is a reason why there are in laws. Two people are able to make it in life, each helping the other give their parents the best good byes. In fact, before nursing homes, etc., the kids would take care of their parents.
This is my exact situation. I'm the bread winner but everyone outside the situation thinks im a bum. Ive even had people have the audacity to chastise me for being jobless and living with them EVEN THOUGH I AM GAINFULLY EMPLOYED. My days off are also used to do errands for them which ruins my plans for other business ventures that put money in my pocket. Im almost in tears everynight but i cant just leave them to fend for themselves considering how ill they are. Ill try to figure it out somehow
This is “parent tax” where you now have to sacrifice your future for the future of others”.
I got myself out of this situation and told my mom she’s on her own coz she started taking advantage of me and only loved me when money was involved, if there was no money she’d hate me and turn my brothers against me, I cut them all off this year.
I admire your courage and strength!
Good. I was the family scapegoat. I left. Moved to another state. Love it. My mother needs to reap where she has sewn good seeds. It definitely was not with me. She threw me to the wolves. I hope for her sake my brothers who she coddled will care for her.
I’m sure that had to be hard but you had to do what you had to do
Tough situation......he's a very good man for doing all that. A very good honorable man. Best thing he can do is to make lots of money. It won't be easy but he has to do what really pays around his area.
Pretty sure everyone would make lots of money if they could 😅
@@ViaMirage Exactly what I always say
It's not honorable to be run over and taken advantage of. My parents are 93 and 90, and living in a duplex with money they saved over their lives. No pension, just savings.
Wrong. He's been brainwashed by the very people who should have trained him to go out and make his own life, while they were preparing for their own futures. An honorable man would lovingly set boundaries and guide his parents not to enslave others. They are parasites, actually.
My parents planned very well and have paid into long term care. I’m am grateful for this as they get older because my sibling would not help me care for them financially if the need arose. I respect people who are in this man’s position. It’s becoming more common.
My mom lives well under that amount and she is 89 in a house. I'd recommend maybe they move to FL in a trailer - would be much cheaper. Many wonderful couples live in those trailer parks year round. if mom just has "aches and pains" - that's not really needing round the clock care.
Medicaid nursing homes are horrible. There are home health aides that can come in and help for a few hours to give you a break. I admire his responsibility when many people dump their parents into nursing homes.
They aren't ready for a nursing home. There are a lot of low income housing places and low income assisted living places. They need to get on a list and let their son have his own life. Parents who are willing to live off their kids are despicable in my eyes. I am 87 and I would live under a bridge before I would impose on my children who have enough of their own problems.
@@marycarricaburu3683
I am the exact same way as you. 👍
I currently don't have kids but if I did, I would never expect my kids to take care of me. A child did not have a choice to be born, it's the parents who made the decision to have kids, so it's selfish and irresponsible to later expect your kids to be your retirement fund.
These types of expectations causes a lot of grief, turmoil, stress and heartache for the kids and their spouses. It literally holds their future back from success because they're stuck taking care of you (the parents).
That's why I'm focusing on my own retirement who I won't become a burden to anyone. If I get old and can't take care of myself, I'll just hire a care taker because I'll have the money to do so due to being financially prepared.
@@marycarricaburu3683 They'd have to sell the house first and spend all of the money from the proceeds of the house before they would qualify for any that.
He didn't even say what shape they're in. They just might be lazy and expect him to do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and laundry while they watch TV all day. Or are they immobile and need help with bathing, dressing etc? He said his mom has "aches and pains". So does everyone! Poor boy is just brainwashed by his parasitic parents.
What a good son
I don't ever wanna burden my kids this way.
Wow that's one hell of son he will be blessed very much in his future I admire him you don't see that these days May God always bless you in everything you do
It's nice he's helping his parents but I feel like there is details missing. They are getting a little under $3k monthly but have their kid paying their expenses? Do they have a lot of debt ? It's good the caller will be able to get out of one of his biggest debts . Seems like the caller wanted to know the next step of saving. (3-6 month emergency savings for expenses then 15% towards retirement funds). My parents are both forced retirement due to disabilities and make less SSI then the callers parents. They are very independent and wouldn't want their adult child still living with them lol. I do help them out when I can. Sometimes it's little things that will help make their life better. Most of the time they don't want to ask for any help
This makes me so glad that my parents are active have a retirement and have a home. I wish this caller well.
At what point does he get his own life?
This guy's parents are taking his entire life. That's not a parents love, it's selfish and manipulated. Loving parents, wants what is best for their children, see them grow, succeed and have a happy, full, loving life beyond them.
I wish I could say that to my ex. He's completely manipulated by his parents and he's in his 50's. It doesn't get better w age
hmm, sounds like at least the mother is allergic to work... time for part time jobs!
Yes. The sense of laziness and entitlement is high here
@@saulgoodman2018 I heard 'aches and pains'. Lol.
@@saulgoodman2018 Yes, the mom has aches and pain, like we all do.
He is a 31 years old. no wife no children, Raising his parents. They are selfish parents who do not allow him to live the life he is supposed to live.
They've got $3000 a month coming in? Let's delve into the housing costs and debts. Even if he's there for care, he shouldn't be on the hook for costs too.
My parents were there for me and so I will be there for them until the end.
God will bless you for taking care of your parents.
That was your parents responsibility! Your responsibility is to go out and create a life of your own.
For those of us who don’t have parents who budget or have retirement plans in place, pretty soon this will be all of us. This is some thing I told Rachel Cruz years ago on her RUclips channel before inflation or the pandemic Isa more and more parents finance their lifestyles and what’s going to happen is that the children in their 30s and 40s will be the ones to have to take care of their parents because they leveraged their wonderful lives. I assure you there will be many many more calls like this in the future Dave.
This situation is common amongst immigrants who came with nothing but the clothes on their back and weren't educated on saving for retirement :/
Yes! 💯. I disagree with Dave and many of there people in the comments on this one. The parents did so much to get their kids there
Yep! That's basically my family and I know a lot of other families that are like that as well.
@@professional.commentator yes my family too. I swear some people are so privileged sometimes.
yes but I don't think he's an immigrant. Also, this taking care of your parents, eastern style of family and relations has proven to be a failure. Compare the US households with some of those other eastern countries and even Mexico, in the US households are independent, they don't support or rely on extended families and they tend to become very successful specially financially and the offspring do well as well as a result.
Is anyone in the US really educated on saving for retirement? I know I never was and my parents will not need any support from me in retirement. I am only good with my finances due to my own research and interest. I do come from a privileged position but I was also never taught anything about personal finance or saving for retirement. I’m not saying it’s their fault, I’m just saying it isn’t talked about or taught enough.
I'm so happy that my parents don't expect me to throw my life away to take care of them. It's important that children make a life for themselves, the same way that the parents did. And the parents that make their children feel obligated to take care of them are disgraceful
Absolute solid wisdom from Dave.
Mom has aches and pains so caller pays their way 😂
What financially irresponsible parents.
The parents' job is supposed to raise their child to live on their own and eventually support their own family, not to take care of the parents when they're old. Parents who burden their kids with supporting them in retirement, because they did not plan ahead well enough, handicap their kids' and grandkids' futures.
Asian parents are the worst culprits of this.
I respect your opinion but different cultures see it differently.
You should take care of your parents when they get old just like how they cared of you when you were little.
@@professional.commentator are you Asian?
@@professional.commentator Yes they are. I'm Asian American and have several friends who are burdened having to support their own families as well as elderly parents who had nothing saved for retirement.
The parents should get into assisted living and get on MA so they can get to state to pay it.
This young man needs to have a life of his own he should not be giving up his own for his parents and it’s very selfish for his parents to allow this, what did they think they were going to do, did they always think that they were going to be young?
Assisted living costs more than they have.
During my early military years, I rented my own room from my parents. And I am grateful that they treated me as another renter in that line. Had to buy my own food also. Although the rent for all tenants included supper every day, breakfast and lunch were our own to sort out.
I wonder what the callers question was. I don’t think he ever got to say it.
He will wake up one day when he is 50 and realize this is why he is single and lost out on his life.
Great advice!!! Well done Dave.
This young man is a treasure. I support his loyalty. One never regrets taking care of their parents.
Regret? Idk but it's very very hard and emotionally draining 😓😭
Except they do when they have to impede their own life to manage it, and they are being saddled with a disproportionate amount of the burden, if not all of it, while their siblings get to go start careers and families. Two thirds of the caregiving in this country is done by family members, often by someone who takes themselves out of the workforce to do it, which may have devastating impacts on their ability to be prepared for their own old age issues.
I never regretted taking care of my parents but it was physically and emotionally draining.
I don't know that I would say nobody would regret that.
I mean if your parents basically guilt you into never having a life of your own and you spend your life up until your 50s and 60s taking care of your parents and then you don't have a life of your own and now you have no kids or grandkids, are you really going to not have some regrets that you didn't move on with your life?
_31? young?😭😭_
Dave ofc starts with the "so you live with free rent..." comment
A few years ago my wife and I were faced with a potentially similar issue with her parents and her younger sister. We managed to sidestep it, aet some boundaries, and not get bogged down in it. Fortunately, with my parents it is not the case.
Some background. Honor in terms of family is a big thing in Asian culture. Taking care of parents is a given. My parents in law are in their 70s. My wife is Vietnamese. She immigrated to the USA to be with me when we married. I am American.
Her parents, and sister, after we were settled in the USA as a couple, wsnted to come and live permanently in the USA. My wife and I, after assessing the ask, politely answered with a 'NO'. They tried to guilt trip her, but it didn't work.
The money didn't add up. My in laws were not able to socially function in the USA. They had no clue how the USA works. If we had done it, we would have been totally miserable. They even didn't speak English, and made no attempt to learn it. They didn't want to.
The solution was for them to stay where they are in Vietnam. Their house is paid off. They have good medical infrastructure. They have money that works in Vietnam. They are socially functional and integrated into society there. They speak the language.
What my wife and I was to help them connect more so with otger family members. We slso set them up to keep their money square. We got tgem connected for food at the local market. We got them connected to appropriate mobile healthcare, who comes to their house in addition to going to the doctor.
We slso helped her younger sister to get her life straight so that she is in a better place to get the day to day stuff managed.
It is now 6 years since my wife politely told them 'NO' and they are doing well.
In fact my in laws see another elderly uncle and aunt in frail health (in their 60s) that immigrated to the USA because someone didn't have the backbone to say 'NO'. That uncle and group of relatives are now miserable and struggling in California. The Uncle had to go back to work, and is in poir health. They sold off all assets in Vietnam.. house and all...to fund the move to Vietnam. Life for them is miserable.
In a similar situation and breaking free in a year
Good man.
We are in a similar situation. We are both 70 and provide half time care to mother in law at age 98. Brother in law does the other half. Mother in law is obnoxious and has been kicked out of three extended living homes before. She is financially okay having had a deceased husband who left her with life time pension income. It is a choice between a rock and a hard place for us. But we continue providing care three days a week with excellent meals and transportation plus time with her. She is nearly deaf and blind. But I really miss having our own life in our very nice out of state home.
I don't know if they have a house, but you could sell the house get them into a foster home to where they're taking care of and you can go and live your life. I agree with everything Dave said.
Why is it that siblings that ate married feel like it should all fall on the sibling that is not married. That is so selfish.
"Dear Mom and Dad: Get jobs. Live within your income. I'm not your retirement plan."
BTW the days of "eating Alpo on Social Security" are over.
It's easy to find a place and live on the social security check.
It might not be where you WANT to live. But it is enough to pay for a place to live, heat, water, AC, and food.
This is sad. He is giving up his chance of having a family of his own.
That’s a tough situation. My mom just moved back to help with my grandma because she has been diagnosed with dementia. All three siblings are there and it’s still a lot for them.it’s really hard to see people who raised you now unable to care for themselves. I see and understand both sides of the situation. I wish him the best.
His case is different than your mom's. He is only 31.
I really appreciate and respect you dear. Am a African and we take care of our parents till they pass. God bless you and if marriage is in your future that beautiful soul will join you and help care for your parents. Just ask God.
Im sorry, but I'm with the caller on this one. It's such an American way that when their parents get old just stick em in a home where they could care less about them. Yes, its hard but I did it for my parents and once they were gone I didn't feel any regret of the sacrifices I made for them, I feel at peace and happy I got to spend that time wit them. Bless anyone who goes through this because it ain't easy, but for some of us it was worth it!
Pretty much everywhere else has multiple generations living in the same house, like you said only in the US is it considered to be normal to move out at 18 when you're not financially or emotionally ready to be out on your own to avoid being made fun of for still living at home. If you go to college and land a killer job where you can afford to live out on your own, then by all means do it. But I think it's foolish to move out on your own when you can't really afford it and have to live in the sketchy part of town just so you can see you're out on your own.
My friend makes fun of me for still living at home, taking care of my disabled mom, while he barely makes it to his next pay check and often has to eat ramen to make ends meet. He doesn't have a car or furniture in his apartment. He literally has a mattress on the floor and a small entertainment center for his TV and xbox and that's it. Meanwhile I have a 2017 car, can afford to go on vacations, etc. I can't afford to go out on my own with these crazy rent prices but I am at least able to afford to do fun things.
We admire his loyalty and dedication but this could potentially stop him from having his own family. If he is even with them for another 10 years he may realize I gave up being a spouse and parent to take care of my own parents.
Unless having his own family isn't as important as making sure his parents are taken of. Then maybe he can live with the sacrifice.
@@irishchocolate3872 It's not a bad thing to be single...Even St. Paul was single...Nothing wrong with marriage, but nothing wrong with the single life, either...We have forgotten that although marriage is a good thing, it is also a blessed thing to be single, if that is what God has called you to be...
@@tonydee8318 Yes if God has called you. Not your parents.
Did you start when you were 31 years old and do it for 20 years?
To Americans, please realize some parents had to sacrifice so much for their children, especially immigrants, Which is why they are broke and broken… please take care of your parents like they took care of you, if not better.
💯💯💯
Yes
💯
Amen.
Yeah I agree! But if they are getting social security benefits that is income. They need to use that money to help fund themselves too. It’s not sustainable for a 31 year old to give up his life to continue taking 100% responsibility for his parents. What if he gets married and has kids of his own? Maybe he can set some money aside every month to help them or they can move into a room in his house that he may pitch . But , for him to completely fund their life while they get social security isn’t sustainable for himself. And he even had student loan debt too he had to pay off.
I own two houses and my mother lives in one of them. She pays me some rent, but not enough to cover the mortgage. My sister and I pay her utilities and we also pay to have someone come in and clean once a month. I pay for repairs and maintenance on my house, but she pays to have the lawn cut. It costs me about $500/month, which I can afford. And when I eventually sell that house I’ll get some of that money back.
But, I’m not in that man’s situation. I have my own house that I live in. She does not live with me!
Your situation is reasonable and provides dignity for all. His situation is a tragedy; he has the power to change it, but it sounds like he is mentally trapped.
Want to adopt me...ha ha
He needs to find a way to take care of his parents as well as starting his own family and having his own life.
Have any of you ever been in a senior home?
It's worse than death.
His parents can consider themselves to be very lucky to have him. Cause that's not the norm. The vast majority of the seniors are literally dumped and at maximum get visitations once a year for five minutes.
And you might consider the way you treat your parents is the way your children will treat you.
YES!!!!
Have you lived with your parents in your 30s? Worse than death.
Let me guess. You have nothing saved for retirement.
I love this boy
This guy is throwing his own life away. He will be single forever if he keeps going like he is now.
Like that is a bad thing? Maybe once the marital laws in this country change should someone feel ashamed of being single.
He is a good man. We Men are programed and raised to be providers. He can still have a low maintenance girlfriend for intimacy if he wants. There are bussy women in similar situations who are seeking a man for ocasional romance.
@@wewhoareabouttodiesaluteyo9303 Marriage I think is an example. The parents already chose their life, he should be able to choose his, marriage or not.
@@kobacljuti6751 You know what I found odd? That males are providers. One would think it would be the other way around since fefails are nurturing, they have all the "tools" to do that. Since males had to hunt, etc. fefails had to supplement meaning care for wounds, encourage, etc.
It always seemed weird to me that males were to be the providers.
It’s a lie that your “morally obligated” to be responsible for your parents.
Rough. I have been in a similar situation except I'm the only child. Dave is right, you need to find an exit ramp. I've been doing this for 10 years now living under the same roof and it truly is not sustainable. But my husband and I have finally decided to simplify our life and overhead so we can utilize excess income to subsidize my mom's income. This will be a line item in our budget and allow us to live our own lives and dreams. Hope it works!
How did you tell your parents they were going to an assisted living facility?
My mom had to go bc she fell and didn't tell anyone. We made arrangements when she was in rehab.
I just don't like it when Dave assumes the parent were irresponsible. Maybe they did the best they could; maybe they've had years of unexpected health problems or expenses. We don't really know. Many people find they just couldn't continue working when they expected to be able to do so.
64% of the population live paycheck to paycheck. They are likely part of the 64%.
I am a person who live this,it cause so much problems ,I had to many co- dependents on me ,I had a breakdown & end up cut family out so I can be mentally well.
I can be wrong here, but if their health issues are a matter of bad life style, overweight and eating to be even more sick, then I would not give them a dime. There are things you can do for yourself to not be (as) sick and good health choices are the start…
You're siblings look at you because you don't have a wife and kids as , "well you don't have a family, you take care of them." And I wouldn't expect expect other siblings to help financially.
If he's caring for them, he shouldn't be out of pocket financially. He could do the physical care, then the other siblings handle the bills.
@@sgist7824 It ain't gonna happen. The son is a sucker.
His siblings will not speak to him/about it because they don't want to contribute. YOU are taking care of them brother, YOU KEEP taking care of them.
I'm just concerned about him going at it alone.
He’s a nice guy but not a realist.
I agree that this isn’t sustainable for 20 years. But Dave offered no real solutions other then “get out”. How? Set them all up with financial peace university and a coach! This man has already paid off a huge amount of debt, he is open to the baby steps and making progress. He called Dave for a reason. He just needs guidance on how to move forward now. I’m a single 32 year old woman, and I’d be happy to get to know a man who holds this type of honor.
Exactly 💯
Dave cares more about money than family
Honor heart 💖💖💖 this man deserves a good Life
I think a good question to ask him would be, let's say you marry and you have four kids, and you and your wife find yourselves in poor health. Would you want one of your kids to do what you have done, put his or her life on hold indefinitely out of a sense of "duty"?
If he’s going to do this, and I wouldn’t do this, then he needs to be getting equity in the house, at a minimum, both from his payments he’s making for the expenses and for the work he’s doing in caretaking. You could also sell the house and move into a smaller place with a granny apartment, something like that, where the parents are living with HIM in his extra space instead of vice versa.
And that’s being very, very generous assuming these mid 60s “aches and pains” are actually a real debilitating injury and not just laziness.
Why can't they get a low income senior place
he needs therapy. he is co-dependent.
God will bless him for this. Such an example of picking up your cross. The world rarely sees this type of sacrifice.
nonsense.
Nah. This is mom and dad not doing their jobs
Well said Emily
Yup!
I'm not buyin' it . . . It's called child abuse.
I think too many adult kids think they are helping their parents when the truth is they are grown and should be chipping in on bills.
What do you do with parents who see you as their retirement plan? Who retired in their 50s right after you graduate from college. Who still has a mortgage that you foolishly signed up to be a guarantor because apparently your internship income was more than theirs, and you didn't know better. Who still has no source of income because 10 years into retirement, they're still too young to get social security.
I am in the same situation
The situation you are allowing yourself to be in.
@@KS-cl8br my dad provided a good life and education I would love to pay the favor back
@@samihdaifallah3590 It was his decision to have you and once you are born then it is his duty to make sure you are capable to start your own life. Stop making him out to be some kind of hero. It was not a favor, it was his duty!
He's a good guy
He is a doormat.
“Kindness to a father in his age will not be forgotten.”
Ecclesiasties chap. 3
Keep taking care of your parents till the END.
DUN DUN DUNNNN!
At the rate he's going, his end may come sooner than later
The end of what? The relationship? When he is so angry when he fully. realizes how they took advantage of him and has no change to make a life for himself?