Her silence every time they said something negative about her son shows that he’s been coddled his entire life and that’s why he’s in the same place he was 16 yrs ago.
She and her ex husband are not only NOT going to see a dime from that situation, but might even get caught ip w some other emotional blackmail on their way out.
The problem isn't coddling, the problem is there are no jobs that pay enough. Look up the numbers on how many young adults are being forced to move back in with family. They're unbelievable.
The son had three children in a one bedroom apartment BEFORE the parents bought the house for them. That was already a sign the son was not going to get his financial act together.
Best thing my parents ever did was to let my wife and I struggle through $100k of debt. It nearly broke us, but we had to learn to stand on our own so we'd never make the same mistakes. Now we're debt free besides the house and so much better for it
It doesn’t look like parents learn this lesson easily. I was mad when my father said I and my spouse need to move out when we were… 26! Now I’m beyond grateful for what he did!
I am an only child. Finances were taught to me clearly from an early age and real love was given, not materialism. Only child does not have to be a problem.
This is my parents. Am one of 5 children. My parents are blindly enabling my sister for not only her rent, but a new car, private school tuition all while the both she & husband refuses to get a job, not give up smoking and weekly friday nights at the pub getting so drunk, he doesnt come home. My sister just had baby no.4 when they couldnt even afford 3. I cut my parents off when they said i was the problem.
I ha e a similar situation. But know that the universe will come through for you. Focus on you and your new family and just live your best life. ❤ we got this! (My situation is pretty much identical and maybe a bit crazier!! Lol)
This is such a common thing in unhealthy family dynamics. I have similar issues on both sides (mine and my husband) there is always one parent that has narcissistic tendencies and the other parent is so broken down by the narc spouse that they have to be liked and loved by everyone and will give away the cow, the house and everything of themselves to the child that resembles the narc spouse the most… Because they can’t live if that child doesn’t love them and so they will allow the unhealthy kids to abuse everyone in the family mentally, financially and just allow them to be large grown adult toddlers. And they will sacrifice the normal stable Adult children for the one that is the unhealthy one. It’s sick, it feels gross…. It’s mind blowing and insane on so many levels. And the unhealthy narc adult toddler is so self centered they will completely abandoned the parent and the family if they don’t get everything they want when they want it…. That’s not love… it’s terrorism
Great example of codependency and failure to letting her son grow. Dysfunctional families think that family is everything, to the detriment of the individual. The parent's assets are theirs. Their kids should grow up and be working. The parents can rent the house to the kids at below market rate, not giving it to them now.
I totally agree. My grandparents were enablers for a long time and I was never good with money until they cut me off. After they did I ended up falling on my face and learning my way. I own my house and I have a large 401K retirement on my own.
We’re you younger though? This guy’s married with four children and a wife (who’s clearly part of the problem), and it’s been 16 years. The hope with that guy is bleak.
@@katiejon17 Yes I was younger but they enabled me until I was 40 and I was going though a divorce at the time and that even made it harder. I learned so much after that. I feel like I had a sense of entitlement and I think everyone needs to live life on their own in order to get perspective.
@@truckerman9112 madenning but at least we are honest and provide a service for it. There is no justice in this world with the current prices verses the boomers
This is exactly why when my kids throw a fit over “being accountable for their chores” I smile-I’m not going to let my children think they will not be held accountable in life.
😂😂. When I used to CRY and POUT and SCREAM when I had Chores. My MOM Also Would Smile. Then She’d Get a Serious Scowl and Tell Me. FINE. NO PROBLEM. When My Dad Would Come Home She’d Have a HUGE SMILE and Then My Old Man Would WHACK Me With The Belt and Give Me DOUBLE Chores for the Day. 😂 I Actually Miss The WHACKS and MOMS SCOWL. Would Give All I Have To See Them Again ❤
your son deserves a mess because he is a mess. Dave cut her off before she got a chance to say that her son is worried his dad is going into a nursing home and the house will go to pay the nursing home, the son called Mommy to fix it just like she has fixed every other problem in his life.
@@annakirshenbaum1458Well if their own parents aren’t worried why should she be Trust me this son is just going to keep getting into debt and when she’s dead they’ll finally figure it out
@@annakirshenbaum1458 yes and that's exactly how the enabling continues. Right around the time parents start to wake up n see what's going on or just get tired of being taken advantage of yet still worrying and ready to start pulling the plug or setting some boundaries even in a loving n respectful way, grandkids enter the picture n they have even more incentive to keep ever afloat by enabling cause they certainly don't want to see them suffer in any way, even if it's not exactly suffering n also they may fear the grown child having a temper tantrum for not continuing to get his way n threaten to not see the parents thereby cutting off contact with grandkids.
Did anyone else notice that the woman was completely silent when Dave said the son was a parasite and a mess? She couldn't bring herself to admit it out loud.
We had paid for private school, high school boarding school, college, vet school. Upon graduation I said you are off the pay roll in 30 days. That was 39 years ago. She has never asked us for anything.
Her 'only son' was trained and raised by his mom to be her dependent pet. Keeping him close by raising him to be helpless and needing her rescuing through life has kept him tied to her like in chains. She crippled his spirit to be inadequate and needing mom to helicopter in for a quick rescue again and again. All rescuers need a victim to save, all victims need a rescuer to save them. A sick relationship mom created but she did it well.
I'd give him the house i.e. 30K but I would remove him from my will and he would inherit nothing because of his mismanagement. He will literally waste all money left to him and still end up bankrupt. Someone in this family should have manned up a long time ago.
Put the house in a living trust so he has options depending on his behavior, which obviously still isn't doing well, but at least he won't squander the house and the grandkids will have a roof over their heads.
My parents told me their responsibility was to raise me to be an independent, self supporting adult,and that’s exactly what I am. I’ve seen too many people who don’t want their kinds to be independent.
She created this mess. This is the result of giving your children everything in life with them having no skin in the game. You are not helping your kids when you hand then everything. You create an entitled worthless adult.
I had several friends like that, as in they actually got a house or apartment gifted early on in life, and they moved on to work and live like normal, more or less responsible people. The entitled worthless adult is a personality more than an upbringing and it happens mostly to parents who do not have much money and do not have the strength to stand up to their manipulative and often abusive children, especially single mothers or mothers who get treated with less respect and get used and their children watch that and follow the example of adults treating their mother like that. Which does not mean every child growing up seeing that turns out to be using others. As I said, if you watch truly and closely, you will see that it is a personality and not an upbringing problem because if it was like you say, all the kids who are treated like that or see their parent used and too weak to fight it or too nice to fight it, all the kids would turn out like that. It is also a peer thing. Others their age put those ideas into their head that it is the normal thing to use your parents and at the same time talk really bad to and about them. It is more of a peer pressure thing when useless kids tell not yet useless kids that they are stupid for not being like them.
It's more than just "giving your children everything in life", it's about how well or how poorly you taught your children morals. Lots of people who are privileged because of their parents are perfectly responsible and have a head start above their peers.
I saw this all the time in college. It was insane how many kids I saw driving around brand new cars without a single car payment and calling their parents up DEMANDING more money. Literally. Demanding. These kids are now messes that don’t know how to get anything done. Their lives will probably crumble when their parents die or cannot help them anymore unless they leave a big enough inheritance. But why would you ever want to raise a child that needs you until you die??? And possibly after? It’s insane to me.
Dave is 100% right here and it amazes me how quick he picked up on the situation. Mommy takes a guess the home is around $100k. Junior's been paying on this "100k" for 16 years. 100k divided by 16yrs is 6250/yr and 520.83/mo. HOW IS THIS THING NOT PAID OFF?!! Kudos to Dave for realizing this and creating a longer video on this "taboo" subject. Definitely, a topic that needs to be discussed more often!
Let’s say they bought the house for $100k with nothing down. This was not uncommon in 3005. 30 year loan at 5-6 percent plus PMI. $900 a month in payments. After 17 years the balance is only down to $62k! In the first year over 80 percent of the payment is interest! $116k in interest! If they did 20 percent down and 15 year, $41k interest. Same monthly payment with pmi included.
Hardest thing I did as a parent was watch my children fall flat on their face. They are both grown, independent, and good parents now. I saw so many spoiled rotten mean girls growing up in SoCal. I would never do that to my own kids.
Yes it has been so hard for me to watch my adult son fall flat on his face....but I'm doing it...No more help...Hello...I was an enabler...I learned the hard way...ironically...
So. Frickin. Hard. I'm cleaning up my enabling mess, myself. Stay strong, hang in there. We want our kids to 'have it better' than we did, but we are handicapping them when we do it. (Denial is not just a river in Egypt, other parents. Let's do better for the next gen.)
....he'll just sell the house , n having no inner compass nor experience,...streets acomin'....I did that junk, and am getting out of that misery mind set with, among all else :"the dynamic laws of prosperity- Catherine ponder- RUclips"( her lectures , as well as the book read aloud. The inner laws of prosperity- need to be unpacked....shuffling about the outer manifest" stuff"only is fruitless. Lol
My BIL lived like this with his Mother up until 50 years old. Didn't pay any rent, hardly did any of the so called caregiving he was supposed to. For years we tried to persuade his Mother to throw him out. He drank himself to death last year! What a freaking waste! Whats more she was going to leave him her entire estate because he was "special!"
I have a cousin like that. He's around 51 now, still living at his mum's. Sleeps on a mattress on the floor because he can't be bothered to buy a bed. Smokes weed all day. Labels his food. Never does ANYTHING for his 80yr old mother (not even online stuff or drive her to go shopping), and doesn't pay rent. When my sister and I was living at our mum's house, we gave monthly rent without fail, replaced things where needed.... basically did things which should come naturally when living with parents. When my aunt (my mum's sister - aka the parasite's mum) heard that we did all that (especially the rent), she developed a really visible look of jealousy on her face. And yes, we've all been telling her to kick him out for years. But yet, he's still there 🤷🏽♀️
Very grateful to have found this channel and the principles in my 20s. Some people in very sad situations later in life due to financial mismanagement.
Oh and my old “friends” turned out to be disloyal jerks anyway. They hated me once I got successful, probably bcuz I reminded them of their own laziness and failures. Instead of being happy for me, they resented it. Glad I got better ones
@@diggernash1 Have you looked up th numbers on how many young people are having to move back in with family? 40 years ago they would have been unbelievable. Now, it's just the way things are because there are no jobs, the jobs there are offer inadequate pay.
Best advice my dad ever gave me was "Nobody owes you anything. You got nothing coming!" This simple advice gave me a super hardworking mindset that set me apart and served me very well over the years.
Stephen, my parents said the same thing. It certainly makes you take finances seriously. It propels you to do better on your own than perhaps you would have otherwise. Go, Stephen, go!
I went overseas to work. When I got depressed and told my mom I want to go back home. She said, "if you come back you're gonna die starving. " best message I ever got from my mom.
I needed to watch this. I've been giving a drunk a drink the past 2yrs. Actually 32. Now I have to spend money and time to take this person to court, to get them out of my house. It's a nightmare. I've not done more for anyone else in my family as much as i have for her, and this is what I get. The one thing she's accomplished is I'll never be this helpful, or enabling, to anyone in my family again. And it's really sad bc I just wanted to help her.
I did the same thing. The house I bought to help her will close on the 17th of next month. A sad ending to 6 1/2 years of help she didn’t move forward one step. I actually enabled her into a drug habit.
Don't trust an addict. They'll promise this and that but they won't change until they decide to. Some never do. Alcoholism is a horrible, progressive disease. It's not your responsibility
It's called Alanon, folks. Alcoholism is a disease that makes everyone around the alcoholic sick as well. Please get help because your illness doesn't go away when the alcoholic does. I'm speaking from experience.
A safety net is fine, a safety hammock is not. I love that. I also laughed out loud when he said I love you so much I'm going to help you move the couch And when he said that you're going to know what a callus is except for on your thumbs Ramsey was on fire with really funny statements in this call
She can help pay for the grandkids' college education so that they can take care of themselves better than their parents. The whole lot of them need to learn about boundaries and saying no. Money doesn't grow on trees. We earn it by working. The type of work we do and how much we earn depends to a great extent on education and the field you choose. Underwater basket weaving isn't a practical major.
21 is too young. Her estate should be help in trust with a trustee deciding what to give the kids until they prove that they can support themselves and behave responsibly. Experiences abd accomplishments are more valuable than material goods
A 21 year old can be very immature and irresponsible, especially if their own parents didn't take control of themselves and their finances. She can put her estate in trust to pay for the education of several generations, even non family members. Family isn't everything if people refuse to grow up and take care of themselves first.
Exactly.💯💯💯 Enablers may seemed nice but in actuality they're codependent, mentally sick, and manipulative. Something is psychologically wrong with them for them to enable unhealthy/bad behaviors.
@@terriesmith2616 Depends on the level of enabling. In the end, there are many cases of bad stuff going on around us every day and every time each of us, including you, chooses to not bother with getting involved to make life easier for ourselves, we are an enabler of the bad people.
The mother actually said “she was doing right by him” Meaning her son. She actually ruined him by handing him a house he had no idea how to afford or manage and which he could not get on his own. What’s gonna happen when both of these Parents have passed? Will they leave their son who has no idea how to manage money, all the money they have left? In this situation where the adult child has no idea how to manage money I would put everything in a trust for my grand children’s education. I would give everything else to good charities. I can almost guarantee you that the Adult son is not worried about anything because he’s counting on his inheritance. I’ve worked for estate lawyers for a long time and I’ve seen a lot of the worst of people that money brings out, and how entitled adult children are.
This is great advice to parents and many parents need to hear it. Thank you for the honesty! Being a parent is the hardest job and sometimes people don't realize what they're doing until someone points it out. God bless.
She knows the truth she just has refused to accept the truth because she loves her son and the truth hurts to have to accept that he’s a loser and has been openly tsking advantage of her generosity for his entire life.
OR, here's a thought, you COULD let your son grow up and be responsible for his own family and their home. I was 17 when I became self-sufficient. And how old is your son? Thirty what? Even people with poor credit buy homes. Congratulations. You have created a son who is basically a little boy who will ALWAYS need mama and papa to take care of him, even when he's 40 or 50 or 60. My father has been dead for over 50 years but I can still remember him talking to all of us kids telling us that he didn't care whether we went to college or a trade or business school or got a job but when we graduated from high school we were out of his house and no longer his responsibility. He also told us to marry well because we needn't think we could marry some ne'er do well and have a bunch of little kids and then think we would all come back home for mom and dad to take care of us and raise our kids. Was he too harsh? I don't think so. He had 8 kids and all of us were self-sufficient from the time we finished high school and left home. "Kids" like this, and parents who spawn them, just disgust me.
Sell the house and tell them surprise!! Reality check!! Use the money in your retirement. And this is coming from a 20 something that barley has life together haha. I would never do this to my parent, they shouldn’t either.
Sounds easy and tempting. I would tend to have no pity BUT a little insight would suggest this would disconnect her from her only child and all of her grandchildren for the rest of her life. I would cringe doing it too but that $30k is a stupid tax for doing this to begin with. He wouldn’t learn a lesson either way. The older I get the more value I see in “The quickest path to silence.” In this case it’s writing a $30k check. You don’t have to pay for other’s mistakes but you do need to pay for your own.
I'm seeing more and young couples moving into parents' homes and THEN having babies while there. All so hubby can coast on a minimum wage job and wifey doesn't have to work at all. It's one thing to move in and hustle for a couple of years and then get out. It's completely another to move in and become squatters.
My parents let me stay for years while saving up and starting to invest. We split responsibilities, and since I was an adult, they charged me $1000/mo. Seems like very little, but 10 years ago that was a lot more than it is today. In retrospect though, it was a bargain, and taught me that in the real world you have real responsibilities and bills to pay. That prepared me for an immutable mortgage payment a lot better. Now I have a home and a giant mortgage, and large cash buffers that let me sleep well at night despite that. When I got the place, my parents were so proud, they kept showing up and gifting me anything that I needed for it, for months. It made me feel very loved.
@@BikeHelmetMk2My brother (29) and I (42) pay rent/expenses to live at home with our parents. We each have our bedroom and everything's included in the rent. Dad just raised our rent/expenses to $800/month from $700. We were paying $700/month for 2-3 years. Again, everything's included (food, utilities, internet, laundry machines, TV in the living room & in the kitchen etc). We looked at some local "luxury" apartments and the rent for a small one bedroom is around $1500. You paying a grand/month a few years ago is impressive. Glad you have your own house now 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
@@WoodyJ98I grew up in Argentina 🇦🇷 for the first 9 years. I was told that my great-grandfathers built the house. My grandmother lived in it. My aunts & uncles also lived in it temporarily until they got their own house. After Grandma passed the house & lot were sold. The house was demolished and a three story apartment building/office on first floor was built in its place.
My dad always told me and my brother and sister growing up that you can only help someone that is willing to help themselves or his other saying was help is a hand up not a handout he was always willing to help us as long as we held up our end of the agreement there was always conditions on getting his help on something
That younger generation doesn't want to work, they want a check every week but to do nothing for it. I can't believe they are like that. Most of my grandkids are like that and still live with their parents. They are well.into their 20's!
This is a parent who did THE WRONG THING by her child. The proof is in the pudding. She treated the son like a baby and did the hard work for him. SURPRISE! Sixteen years later the son is no better off and the situation is way more complicated. SMDH. 🙄
Yeah its called a "lawnmower" parent. They've cleared the way their entire life then when life happens to them as an adult they have no idea how to get out of the weeds. Hard to blame the "child" even as an adult.
@@wordsalad01 He put the cart before the horse. He was in default on multiple bills. So what's he do? Asks mom and dad to finance a house in their names. And THEN he decides to have four kids. And his finances are STILL in shambles today.
@@wordsalad01 I'm making assumptions? You assume he had medical bills. "For all we know" he bought a new truck. You assume I was talking about his parenting. I said he did things out of order. Bottom line is, he's had 16 years to get it together. Why are you defending him?
@@wordsalad01 True. I don't know this man, nor do I know his life plan for a family. Sounds like his mother was upset that he wasn't honoring his financial responsibility with the house. I have no right to comment on his birth control (or lack thereof).
Nothing wrong with living with your parents as long as you're maturing and working towards your future. There are many benefits to having shared expenses and close family.
Nothing wrong with that at all. As long as you are being responsible and growing your carrier and maturing into an adult. Not partying and dicking off all the time.
Those lucky ones are NOT LUCKY in the end…. His mother enabled him & never taught him discipline or how to manage money….. her son probably has no clue, no confidence, no belief in his own capabilities, and is being thrown to the fire for expecting $$ to be handed to him…. An EXPECTATION HIS MOTHER CREATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Is it possible his mother never taught him anything about money? Bc she needs him to need her?! Y’all gain perspective geez.
Her ex probably won't give his share, and the mother will pay the ex off, and give the entire son the house. Then the son will suck more money out of the mother and wring his hands waiting for her to die so he can get it ALL!
Give you grown child notice and sell the house. As bad as he has done he will not keep up the house. 10+/- years they will be evicted from the house for not paying taxes.
Giving her son a house is a terrible idea. He can't hold down a job, smokes weed all day and has 4 kids to support. How will he pay for inevitable home repairs? How does he pay for anything? By juggling credit cards. If I were mom I would tell son and his wife that they can rent the house at below market rate. If they don't pay in full and on time every month, she'll initiate eviction proceedings. The breeders can live in a smaller rental as they did before. The parents' assets should be used for education and therapy for the whole sorry lot of them.
In the first two minutes i heard two issues one they had SIXTEEN YEARS to fix their credit. Two it’s in Daddys name and he is dying but they seem more worried about them losing their house than their dad dying even when dad bought them a house. What a piece of work couple.
I've had to learn many hard lessons from debt to finding my true love. My life was never easy because first, I have a learning disability, but I've learned to work hard and power through. 2nd, I got myself into debt, but I'm almost out. So I always say to myself and others, "Keep Moving Forward."
He has almost paid a mortgage down in less than 20 years despite the bad credit. Now we don't know how much the parents may have assisted through the years but in less than 20 years 120k on a mid 100k home is almost paid off.
The son is never going to change and there is no way I would pay the house off and give it to him. I grew up poor and my parents didn't help me at all once I left home at 18 to go to college. I'm glad that they didn't because I learned how to make it on my own and do what it took to better my life. I have never asked my mom or any other family member for anything and I never will.
I don't think the dad is going to give up his half. He's been paying for a deadbeat son for 16 years and doesn't have the cushion the mom has from what she said. If he has health problems I could see him refinancing his half..
If he has assets such as his house, and he needs to go into assisted-living or go on assistance they’re going to want that house so he cannot gift it to anybody
Worse thing my parents did put of the kindness of their heart was give me money when i was struggling (because of my own stupidity) once they stopped helping me i learned. Now ive fixed my stupid money problems. Self supportive, successful at work. Best thing parents can do for their children is let them figure out how to get out of their own pickle
I teach at a disciplinary alternative setting and many only male children have been coddled their whole life. they are not used to following rules and when they leave our campus they graduate to breaking and entering, burglarizing, assaults, car theft, robbery, car jacking/kidnapping, and murder. these kids have never been told "no". helicopter and snowplow parents don't allow children to try anything and it stunts their development.
A tree in a windy location grows stronger than a tree in a sheltered location. I was spoilt a lot as a child but I quickly realised that the only way I was gonna be able to become a strong adult was by breaking away from my parents generosity.
Sell the house so the ex has money. He's older and has probably worked his whole life, has health issues and doesn't have a good money situation. The kid is young and needs to bust his *** for a change. Quit having kids.
Yeah. The hardest and kindest thing my parents did was help me and my husband with our house down payment. It was crazy generous and we had no business living in the area. It gave us the space to have kids - and I would never change what happened because it let us have kids young - but it took us away from the reality of our financial situation. We continued living in a place we could only afford by the skin of our teeth. Generosity is soo hard to do with no harm. And we had been responsible for our bills, renting on our own, no debt, full-time employed for years, but that sudden money was shockingly disruptive. I can’t imagine if you already are bad with money how much enabling can handicap you.
I have seen this in different people my whole life.... enabling ends in loads of sorrow. Rarely ever helpful, rarely really appreciated, and always ends in blowing up family relationships.
Because mommy was bankrolling everything so why think about consequences? Mommy will come in and save the day! I watched the same dang thing happen with my brother and my dad -- my brother would so much as sniffle in discomfort and Daddy would come in and throw money and help at him. Now my brother is a 44yo with the life skills of a 9yo, unable to care for himself, still calling Daddy to rescue him. My dad crippled him with "kindness".
I can tell a memorable story: When mom was doing 50-60 hours of work-weeks, her little daughter was often in grandma's care, had her own bed, all necessary things and a corner for her own play-things. A little girl, a BFF, came to visit and marvelled at so very few toys. - Don't you have more? the visiting girl asked tring to shame the grandkid a little. - Not here, I have more toys at Mom's, but my Nanny loves me so much, that I only have these favourites here, because that is best for me. This was surely precocious and echoed Grandma's own words, but the thing is the relationship and the days at Grandma's were totally harmonious. Grandma was absolutely kind and patient, but also sure of her values, able to say "no" and the little girl could 100% rely on her steadfast Nanny, and her love, like being her second Mom. Grandma had a profound philosophy behind this. You can only deeply love a few dolls (people), you best develop your phantasy without an overload of ready made things, and children need to be engaged in continuous playing that they've invested in, plays that goes on for weeks and months and years, developing with the child, not being distracted all the time. Children can learn about long haul and resourcefulness in their playing. Children should be protected from overwhelm. If they have more things than they easily can put away in their right places, then they have too much things. Right places are for example that dolls know where to sleep, cars in their garages, plush toys in their cosy corners. Everything has to have their proper place so that mess can easily be cleaned up.
If I were in the caller’s situation, I would pay off the house & set up something like a trust fund for the four grandchildren & have the house part of that trust. Their son & wife are obviously incompetent financially so any money going their way would just be wasted. At least there’s still hope for the grandkids.
Often times, the cycle will repeat. The son and his wife will most likely raised messed up kids because that's the only behaviors they were taught. There's always exceptions, but exceptions don't make the rules.
@@Neddie2k well, not necessarily. Some kids pick up in their parents bad behavior and strive to be better. Some kids are just different genetically and have different personalities and could be better at handling money regardless of their environment. Some kids can start off bad with money and then learn good financial habits. It's hard to predict.
@@CreamIceMs All it takes is one friend to provide an example, and one dolty parent, and a lot of kids can figure out the better path. It's the "Lisa + Homer Simpson" paradox. Putting it in a trust for them seems like a good idea. Stick some ETFs in there too and have property tax drawn from it... give the whole family a "homestead" that they can fall back on, etc.
My sweet, financially savvy mom did quite a bit to help out my siblings and me in our young adult years. I would not advocate for every mom to help every young-adult child financially, but boy am I grateful.
Oh my goodness. It is crystal clear how her son ended up as helpless and unaccountable as he did. They raised him to end up this way. At this point Lady - just pay the house off for him and out it in his name. He can’t do anything himself. You and his father have failed him and he doesn’t have it in himself to grow up.
@@georgewagner7787 true. And gangsters “should change for the sake of their children”, and druggies, and alcoholics, and pedophiles... the list goes on. But often what people “should” do is not what will happen in reality.
If the son has been able to make the payments this entire time, then basically the banks incorrectly evaluated his ability to service the loan. I still think there is more to this if he can even get a 30k loan. Now a bank might not want to give a mortgage for that small of an amount.
My daughter got upset with me because I didn't join her and her father in accruing her college debt. She became increasingly angry when I'd try to give her good/wise advice and so I stopped. Now, she and I don't speak and, though it's been the worse pain I've ever experienced, I'd glad also to no longer be entangled in her attitude, disrespect, hostility, etc. She hated my saying that whatever decision she makes, I will not be co-owner with her in it, i.e., I won't be her "cleanup crew." Trusting God with it all.
Really? An enabling mother? She could have married into all that money for all we know. She showed basically no desirable qualities in this interview. She may be a wonderful lady but this call didn’t show us that.
@@AV-iw3xc EXACTLY!!!!! She nurtured her son into becoming her dependent pet for life. She intentionally kept him needing her to rescuing him by training him to be a professional victim. Gifting him the house isn't the end...this story has many more captures of just the same twisted relationship between mom and son.
The son did make payments in the property for 16 yrs and that is something. The grandparents did offer stability for their grandchildren. That is my opinion.
When I bought a house for my daughter there was 1 condition she paid all lawyers fee and mortgage .could not miss more then 2 payment . When she missed the 2 payment I sold the the house and she had to move to a apartment
Wouldn't it just be simpler if she just bought out her ex? Then she can just rent to her son for the time being. All the while develop a strategy to sell it or gift it to the son.
Mother's and their son's 🙄 I agree with Dave, grown up adult son's should get their own. It stunts your growth. You won't become independent when your mum is doing everything for you, including your laundry.
I am 32 and live at home. I make 75k a year, and pay my family rent monthly. I am building wealth. I do not understand the shaming of living with family as long as both parties are mutually benefitting.
@@b-rad-3849 Slippery slope falicy. Your problem apparently isn't with a 32 year old doing that, but someone who stays til 45. Why the quotes around "building wealth"? Is it so hard to believe that someone who is living at home for cheap could afford to save and invest more money?
What I find amazing is, people fail to understand that a person manages to get themselves in a bad situation, despite all of the bad consequences, then they are surprised said person never grows when all consequences are removed. If a man is going to ruin his life when he has to bear the pain of doing so, he's not going to turn himself around in the comfort of things "magically" working out.
I would sell the son the house for the purchase price. He would benefit from the inflation in the long run but at least the parents would get their money back.
The point of the call was that the son has zero money and couldn’t even get a bank to loan him 30k. That’s why they “have” to toss up their hands and give it to him. If a bank or CC won’t even lend 30k, he’s messed up beyond belief
It’s 100% true what Dave is saying. I’ve seen it in my own family with a brother who at age 50 still can’t get his act together even after both of our parents are long gone. I’ve seen it with many clients who buy their adult offspring a house instead of letting them blossom into adulthood by pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps. It creates a power struggle between parent & adult offspring where the parent is disappointed in their son/daughter & the son/daughter feels this in their soul. Then resentment builds on their part towards the parents even if they don’t acknowledge it to anyone else, but deep down they know their parents have unwittingly affirmed that the son/daughter is incapable of caring for themselves or their own family. I’ve seen clients put their own retirement in jeopardy just to pull money out to “help” bail out their adult offspring from experiencing a bought lesson (aka lessons that hurt financially or emotionally which help you grow into a self sustaining adult). I refuse to say “child” instead of adult offspring because a child is under the age of 18 & is the parents responsibility to care for them since they are helpless on their own. ✌️
🤔So let me get this straight. The son still has bad credit after 16 years living carelessly because mommy wouldn't cut the cord, but he had time to make a 4TH KID?! The math ain't mathing.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
Her silence every time they said something negative about her son shows that he’s been coddled his entire life and that’s why he’s in the same place he was 16 yrs ago.
Yep I see many parents do this
She and her ex husband are not only NOT going to see a dime from that situation, but might even get caught ip w some other emotional blackmail on their way out.
The problem isn't coddling, the problem is there are no jobs that pay enough. Look up the numbers on how many young adults are being forced to move back in with family. They're unbelievable.
@@franksnow5165 nonsense. Get multiple jobs until you work your way up! That’s what I did .
If I was this lady’s son, I don’t know how I could look at myself in the mirror.
The son had three children in a one bedroom apartment BEFORE the parents bought the house for them. That was already a sign the son was not going to get his financial act together.
Or maybe he was living within his means before she meddled!
@@RuizFrances 🎯💯👍
They should have STAYED there until he became motivated enough to DO BETTER and hustle more to support the family they created.
@@RuizFrances I was thinking the same thing. They were getting by and were offered a home that they may have felt obligated to take.
@@RuizFrances thats not in their means, thats illegal.
"An eagle that doesn't leave the nest is eventually known as a turkey".🤣🤣
In this case a buzzard comes to mind
😂😂
Can I get an Amen!
I know a few turkeys! Lol😅
He's going to put a mortgage on that house. He'll lose it.
Love Dave's line "a safety net is fine -- a safety hammock is not"
He stole that line from rush limbaugh
@@paulkersey7458: borrowed is a better line since the two of them think the same.
I also liked, "... but you're going to do it anyway." 🤣
Best thing my parents ever did was to let my wife and I struggle through $100k of debt. It nearly broke us, but we had to learn to stand on our own so we'd never make the same mistakes. Now we're debt free besides the house and so much better for it
good job
Yes! Sometimes you have to let your child hit rock bottom and you have to make them face the consequences of poor decisions.
It doesn’t look like parents learn this lesson easily. I was mad when my father said I and my spouse need to move out when we were… 26! Now I’m beyond grateful for what he did!
And you probably thought they were so mean at the time!
Best thing my parents ever could have done was not bring me into the world.
It makes me sick to my stomach just to hear a mom talking like this, thinking she is helping her son and she is just helping him to be a parasite.
That ship sailed a long time ago.
I never understood creating a dependency with your children.
As soon as she said he’s our “only child” nothing else surprised me about this call.
I agree.
You're right...
I have an only son and this call inspires me to be nothing like the usual parents of only children.
I am an only child. Finances were taught to me clearly from an early age and real love was given, not materialism. Only child does not have to be a problem.
Yeeh😊
This is my parents. Am one of 5 children. My parents are blindly enabling my sister for not only her rent, but a new car, private school tuition all while the both she & husband refuses to get a job, not give up smoking and weekly friday nights at the pub getting so drunk, he doesnt come home. My sister just had baby no.4 when they couldnt even afford 3. I cut my parents off when they said i was the problem.
Enlighten your sis to BIRTH CONTROL
Feel for you. Have a similar situation. I walked away from the toxic situation and people.
I ha e a similar situation. But know that the universe will come through for you. Focus on you and your new family and just live your best life. ❤ we got this! (My situation is pretty much identical and maybe a bit crazier!! Lol)
This is such a common thing in unhealthy family dynamics. I have similar issues on both sides (mine and my husband) there is always one parent that has narcissistic tendencies and the other parent is so broken down by the narc spouse that they have to be liked and loved by everyone and will give away the cow, the house and everything of themselves to the child that resembles the narc spouse the most… Because they can’t live if that child doesn’t love them and so they will allow the unhealthy kids to abuse everyone in the family mentally, financially and just allow them to be large grown adult toddlers. And they will sacrifice the normal stable
Adult children for the one that is the unhealthy one.
It’s sick, it feels gross…. It’s mind blowing and insane on so many levels.
And the unhealthy narc adult toddler is so self centered they will completely abandoned the parent and the family if they don’t get everything they want when they want it…. That’s not love… it’s terrorism
Great example of codependency and failure to letting her son grow. Dysfunctional families think that family is everything, to the detriment of the individual. The parent's assets are theirs. Their kids should grow up and be working. The parents can rent the house to the kids at below market rate, not giving it to them now.
I totally agree. My grandparents were enablers for a long time and I was never good with money until they cut me off. After they did I ended up falling on my face and learning my way. I own my house and I have a large 401K retirement on my own.
👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Same here. Got into debt and back out again because they stopped supporting me. Would never have learned otherwise
We’re you younger though? This guy’s married with four children and a wife (who’s clearly part of the problem), and it’s been 16 years. The hope with that guy is bleak.
@@katiejon17 Yes I was younger but they enabled me until I was 40 and I was going though a divorce at the time and that even made it harder. I learned so much after that. I feel like I had a sense of entitlement and I think everyone needs to live life on their own in order to get perspective.
@@darkeldarblade916 Excellent. very smart move.
Her son will probably sell the house, buy a bigger one, and end up in foreclosure anyway. What a loser.
Or once the house is deeded to him soley with no lien, he will refinance and cash out and then default on the mortgage.
I wish I could get a free house 😡
@@timothygibney159 me too bro, but instead here I am trucking in order to pay my mortgage
@@truckerman9112 madenning but at least we are honest and provide a service for it. There is no justice in this world with the current prices verses the boomers
this is so true... the son has not exhibited any good choices.
Who else is binge watching this channel right now?
'Totally bingeable!
lol guilty - I gotta get to my dishes hahaha
I am now. A year after you!
@@hadenanderson563 😂
I listen to this while I work. It’s the only way I can get through my day 😂
This is exactly why when my kids throw a fit over “being accountable for their chores” I smile-I’m not going to let my children think they will not be held accountable in life.
😂😂. When I used to CRY and POUT and SCREAM when I had Chores. My MOM Also Would Smile. Then She’d Get a Serious Scowl and Tell Me. FINE. NO PROBLEM. When My Dad Would Come Home She’d Have a HUGE SMILE and Then My Old Man Would WHACK Me With The Belt and Give Me DOUBLE Chores for the Day. 😂 I Actually Miss The WHACKS and MOMS SCOWL. Would Give All I Have To See Them Again ❤
your son deserves a mess because he is a mess. Dave cut her off before she got a chance to say that her son is worried his dad is going into a nursing home and the house will go to pay the nursing home, the son called Mommy to fix it just like she has fixed every other problem in his life.
She probably thinks more of her 4 grandkids at this point. Their dad deserves a mess, but they don't.
@@annakirshenbaum1458Well if their own parents aren’t worried why should she be Trust me this son is just going to keep getting into debt and when she’s dead they’ll finally figure it out
@@judyperri9496 Why should a grandmother worry about her grandkids??? Is this a serious question?
@@annakirshenbaum1458 yes and that's exactly how the enabling continues. Right around the time parents start to wake up n see what's going on or just get tired of being taken advantage of yet still worrying and ready to start pulling the plug or setting some boundaries even in a loving n respectful way, grandkids enter the picture n they have even more incentive to keep ever afloat by enabling cause they certainly don't want to see them suffer in any way, even if it's not exactly suffering n also they may fear the grown child having a temper tantrum for not continuing to get his way n threaten to not see the parents thereby cutting off contact with grandkids.
@@annakirshenbaum1458so many grandparents are the rock their grandchildren hold onto.
Did anyone else notice that the woman was completely silent when Dave said the son was a parasite and a mess? She couldn't bring herself to admit it out loud.
Jeffrey Dahmers mother said “ he was such a good boy” guess that’s a mother’s job.
The silence was loud and clear.
Umm yeah tough words to hear
Very sad
I never hears silence that loud
This asset should have been settled during the divorce.
Yes. Why carry on
It was - they kept it 50%. The question is why??
@@allenpriest8985 exacty
Right
We had paid for private school, high school boarding school, college, vet school. Upon graduation I said you are off the pay roll in 30 days. That was 39 years ago. She has never asked us for anything.
Never do for someone else what they could do for themselves. 💯
Her 'only son' was trained and raised by his mom to be her dependent pet. Keeping him close by raising him to be helpless and needing her rescuing through life has kept him tied to her like in chains. She crippled his spirit to be inadequate and needing mom to helicopter in for a quick rescue again and again. All rescuers need a victim to save, all victims need a rescuer to save them. A sick relationship mom created but she did it well.
Why does this dynamic go over so many people's heads? It is so prevalent and contributed to generational sickness.
And so many have done this very thing.
lol at his mother being his only parent.
Spot on
Bingo 😊
I'd give him the house i.e. 30K but I would remove him from my will and he would inherit nothing because of his mismanagement. He will literally waste all money left to him and still end up bankrupt. Someone in this family should have manned up a long time ago.
Put the house in a living trust so he has options depending on his behavior, which obviously still isn't doing well, but at least he won't squander the house and the grandkids will have a roof over their heads.
Agreed. He’s probably sitting around waiting for her to croak so she can collect a payday.
New husbands kids might inherit
@@LocaW8taexactly
yup, leave it in a trust for the grand kids
My parents told me their responsibility was to raise me to be an independent, self supporting adult,and that’s exactly what I am. I’ve seen too many people who don’t want their kinds to be independent.
Fantastic, java, my experience as well. Makes us smarter and cautious.
I don’t think it’s good to be independent. I don’t think it’s good to be codependent. I think the goal is to be interdependent.
Exactly
She created this mess. This is the result of giving your children everything in life with them having no skin in the game. You are not helping your kids when you hand then everything. You create an entitled worthless adult.
I had several friends like that, as in they actually got a house or apartment gifted early on in life, and they moved on to work and live like normal, more or less responsible people. The entitled worthless adult is a personality more than an upbringing and it happens mostly to parents who do not have much money and do not have the strength to stand up to their manipulative and often abusive children, especially single mothers or mothers who get treated with less respect and get used and their children watch that and follow the example of adults treating their mother like that. Which does not mean every child growing up seeing that turns out to be using others. As I said, if you watch truly and closely, you will see that it is a personality and not an upbringing problem because if it was like you say, all the kids who are treated like that or see their parent used and too weak to fight it or too nice to fight it, all the kids would turn out like that. It is also a peer thing. Others their age put those ideas into their head that it is the normal thing to use your parents and at the same time talk really bad to and about them. It is more of a peer pressure thing when useless kids tell not yet useless kids that they are stupid for not being like them.
It's more than just "giving your children everything in life", it's about how well or how poorly you taught your children morals. Lots of people who are privileged because of their parents are perfectly responsible and have a head start above their peers.
I saw this all the time in college. It was insane how many kids I saw driving around brand new cars without a single car payment and calling their parents up DEMANDING more money. Literally. Demanding. These kids are now messes that don’t know how to get anything done. Their lives will probably crumble when their parents die or cannot help them anymore unless they leave a big enough inheritance. But why would you ever want to raise a child that needs you until you die??? And possibly after? It’s insane to me.
@@altenberg-greifenstein Peer pressure? Nah, spoiled.
It’s difficult situation,
Dave is 100% right here and it amazes me how quick he picked up on the situation.
Mommy takes a guess the home is around $100k.
Junior's been paying on this "100k" for 16 years.
100k divided by 16yrs is 6250/yr and 520.83/mo. HOW IS THIS THING NOT PAID OFF?!!
Kudos to Dave for realizing this and creating a longer video on this "taboo" subject.
Definitely, a topic that needs to be discussed more often!
I think she was saying the value increased by 100k since they bought
Probably a 30-year mortgage, and the son was paying the required mortgage payment and nothing more.
Let’s say they bought the house for $100k with nothing down. This was not uncommon in 3005. 30 year loan at 5-6 percent plus PMI. $900 a month in payments. After 17 years the balance is only down to $62k! In the first year over 80 percent of the payment is interest! $116k in interest! If they did 20 percent down and 15 year, $41k interest. Same monthly payment with pmi included.
Truth be known they likely aren’t paying any rent at all or very very little.
@@choreomaniac would be no pmi if 20 perfect down though. So cheaper actually
Hardest thing I did as a parent was watch my children fall flat on their face. They are both grown, independent, and good parents now. I saw so many spoiled rotten mean girls growing up in SoCal. I would never do that to my own kids.
Yes it has been so hard for me to watch my adult son fall flat on his face....but I'm doing it...No more help...Hello...I was an enabler...I learned the hard way...ironically...
@@mariad3011 Totally get it. Watching it happen to our one and only now. Not fun or easy, but know enabling is the worst for him.
So money over family?
So. Frickin. Hard.
I'm cleaning up my enabling mess, myself.
Stay strong, hang in there.
We want our kids to 'have it better' than we did, but we are handicapping them when we do it.
(Denial is not just a river in Egypt, other parents. Let's do better for the next gen.)
....he'll just sell the house , n having no inner compass nor experience,...streets acomin'....I did that junk, and am getting out of that misery mind set with, among all else :"the dynamic laws of prosperity- Catherine ponder- RUclips"( her lectures , as well as the book read aloud. The inner laws of prosperity- need to be unpacked....shuffling about the outer manifest" stuff"only is fruitless. Lol
My BIL lived like this with his Mother up until 50 years old. Didn't pay any rent, hardly did any of the so called caregiving he was supposed to. For years we tried to persuade his Mother to throw him out. He drank himself to death last year! What a freaking waste! Whats more she was going to leave him her entire estate because he was "special!"
I have a cousin like that. He's around 51 now, still living at his mum's. Sleeps on a mattress on the floor because he can't be bothered to buy a bed. Smokes weed all day. Labels his food. Never does ANYTHING for his 80yr old mother (not even online stuff or drive her to go shopping), and doesn't pay rent.
When my sister and I was living at our mum's house, we gave monthly rent without fail, replaced things where needed.... basically did things which should come naturally when living with parents. When my aunt (my mum's sister - aka the parasite's mum) heard that we did all that (especially the rent), she developed a really visible look of jealousy on her face.
And yes, we've all been telling her to kick him out for years. But yet, he's still there 🤷🏽♀️
Delusional
Yes he was. He was an alcoholic who chose not to get help and it killed him.
Very grateful to have found this channel and the principles in my 20s. Some people in very sad situations later in life due to financial mismanagement.
20s? Great for you! I have found out about Dave in 36yo :/
@@piotrnarozny3388 Still young brother - decades before retirement and plenty time to build wealth
@@b-rad-3849 I first time heard about Dave Ramsey in my late 60s, just a couple off years ago.
You're very fortunate to have found him so young. I wish I'd found Dave Ramsey in my 20s.
Sounds like Your son needs to go homeless to get his act together. Often times, people don’t wake up until they have no option.
A compromise would be to give the son the house he deserves. A tiny tinyhouse (playhouse)
Yeah, cause the odds on making it back from homelessness are so good.
Oh and my old “friends” turned out to be disloyal jerks anyway. They hated me once I got successful, probably bcuz I reminded them of their own laziness and failures. Instead of being happy for me, they resented it. Glad I got better ones
@@franksnow5165 If he is over 18 and out of school, the parents have zero responsibility.
@@diggernash1 Have you looked up th numbers on how many young people are having to move back in with family? 40 years ago they would have been unbelievable. Now, it's just the way things are because there are no jobs, the jobs there are offer inadequate pay.
Best advice my dad ever gave me was "Nobody owes you anything. You got nothing coming!"
This simple advice gave me a super hardworking mindset that set me apart and served me very well over the years.
Stephen, my parents said the same thing. It certainly makes you take finances seriously. It propels you to do better on your own than perhaps you would have otherwise. Go, Stephen, go!
I went overseas to work. When I got depressed and told my mom I want to go back home. She said, "if you come back you're gonna die starving. " best message I ever got from my mom.
Damn that's a good saying.
He sounds like a prick.
You also didn't choose to be brought into this world. So actually, your parents do owe you quite a lot.
I needed to watch this. I've been giving a drunk a drink the past 2yrs. Actually 32. Now I have to spend money and time to take this person to court, to get them out of my house. It's a nightmare. I've not done more for anyone else in my family as much as i have for her, and this is what I get. The one thing she's accomplished is I'll never be this helpful, or enabling, to anyone in my family again. And it's really sad bc I just wanted to help her.
I did the same thing. The house I bought to help her will close on the 17th of next month. A sad ending to 6 1/2 years of help she didn’t move forward one step. I actually enabled her into a drug habit.
You both have good hearts, please don’t be hard on yourselves. You’ve paid enough.
Don't trust an addict. They'll promise this and that but they won't change until they decide to. Some never do. Alcoholism is a horrible, progressive disease. It's not your responsibility
It's called Alanon, folks. Alcoholism is a disease that makes everyone around the alcoholic sick as well. Please get help because your illness doesn't go away when the alcoholic does. I'm speaking from experience.
You go girl!
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The deeper your investment roots, the stronger your financial security will be in the future.
Exactly! With my adviser, I’ve cultivated deep investment roots, strengthening my financial security for the future.
I would love an introduction to an adviser who can help me strengthen my financial roots.
My CFA NICOLE ANASTASIA PLUMLEE a renowned figure in her line of work. I recommend researching her credentials further.
Thank you for this amazing tip. I just looked the name up and wrote her.
A safety net is fine, a safety hammock is not. I love that.
I also laughed out loud when he said I love you so much I'm going to help you move the couch
And when he said that you're going to know what a callus is except for on your thumbs
Ramsey was on fire with really funny statements in this call
If the son has kids the inheritance should bypass the son and be invested until those children come to 21 years old.
35 years old
She can help pay for the grandkids' college education so that they can take care of themselves better than their parents. The whole lot of them need to learn about boundaries and saying no. Money doesn't grow on trees. We earn it by working. The type of work we do and how much we earn depends to a great extent on education and the field you choose. Underwater basket weaving isn't a practical major.
21 is too young. Her estate should be help in trust with a trustee deciding what to give the kids until they prove that they can support themselves and behave responsibly. Experiences abd accomplishments are more valuable than material goods
Till 30 years of age
A 21 year old can be very immature and irresponsible, especially if their own parents didn't take control of themselves and their finances. She can put her estate in trust to pay for the education of several generations, even non family members. Family isn't everything if people refuse to grow up and take care of themselves first.
This is fabulous. Tell-it-like-it-is Dave Ramsay is handing out tough love in the best way! I need a good dose of that! Thanks Dave & team.
I disagree all enablers are always kind, sweet people. They may seem that way. But alot of them are mentally sick and codependent.
Many of them are manipulative and psychologically controlling
Exactly.💯💯💯
Enablers may seemed nice but in actuality they're codependent, mentally sick, and manipulative. Something is psychologically wrong with them for them to enable unhealthy/bad behaviors.
@@terriesmith2616 Depends on the level of enabling. In the end, there are many cases of bad stuff going on around us every day and every time each of us, including you, chooses to not bother with getting involved to make life easier for ourselves, we are an enabler of the bad people.
Sometimes it seems as if it's the easier route tor them rather than going against the grain and taking a stand.
@@altenberg-greifenstein
Speak for yourself. Don't include me in your mess.
The mother actually said “she was doing right by him” Meaning her son. She actually ruined him by handing him a house he had no idea how to afford or manage and which he could not get on his own. What’s gonna happen when both of these Parents have passed? Will they leave their son who has no idea how to manage money, all the money they have left? In this situation where the adult child has no idea how to manage money I would put everything in a trust for my grand children’s education. I would give everything else to good charities. I can almost guarantee you that the Adult son is not worried about anything because he’s counting on his inheritance. I’ve worked for estate lawyers for a long time and I’ve seen a lot of the worst of people that money brings out, and how entitled adult children are.
This is great advice to parents and many parents need to hear it. Thank you for the honesty! Being a parent is the hardest job and sometimes people don't realize what they're doing until someone points it out. God bless.
She knows the truth she just has refused to accept the truth because she loves her son and the truth hurts to have to accept that he’s a loser and has been openly tsking advantage of her generosity for his entire life.
OR, here's a thought, you COULD let your son grow up and be responsible for his own family and their home. I was 17 when I became self-sufficient. And how old is your son? Thirty what? Even people with poor credit buy homes. Congratulations. You have created a son who is basically a little boy who will ALWAYS need mama and papa to take care of him, even when he's 40 or 50 or 60. My father has been dead for over 50 years but I can still remember him talking to all of us kids telling us that he didn't care whether we went to college or a trade or business school or got a job but when we graduated from high school we were out of his house and no longer his responsibility. He also told us to marry well because we needn't think we could marry some ne'er do well and have a bunch of little kids and then think we would all come back home for mom and dad to take care of us and raise our kids. Was he too harsh? I don't think so. He had 8 kids and all of us were self-sufficient from the time we finished high school and left home. "Kids" like this, and parents who spawn them, just disgust me.
Sell the house and tell them surprise!! Reality check!! Use the money in your retirement. And this is coming from a 20 something that barley has life together haha. I would never do this to my parent, they shouldn’t either.
I’ve had friend who pretend to go to college and take 40k a year to pay rent, do drugs and go to bars. How horrible.
I was thinking the same thing.
Sounds easy and tempting. I would tend to have no pity BUT a little insight would suggest this would disconnect her from her only child and all of her grandchildren for the rest of her life. I would cringe doing it too but that $30k is a stupid tax for doing this to begin with. He wouldn’t learn a lesson either way. The older I get the more value I see in “The quickest path to silence.” In this case it’s writing a $30k check. You don’t have to pay for other’s mistakes but you do need to pay for your own.
@@836dmar Fair point!
She’s probably concerned about the welfare of her grandchildren and her son is probably aware of this advantage he has over his mom.
This woman is worth several million yet doesn't have professional legal counsel to walk her through this? Something doesn't add up.
@@rr-brown6445 Dave seemed so interested in knocking the son down to size, it seems like he left this issue unresolved.
Most of the money is probably coming from her current husband
Non liquid assets I’m sure. Part of it might be the house she lives in.
Hypergamy. New husband is probably more economicly stable than the ex
Yeah, that claim sounded too fast (a prepared lie) because she didn't want to be bogged down at that part or attacked.
"You entertain a clow you join the circus" love it!
Clean and neat with a bow on it, very well said.
Who raised that clown ?
I take it if you raise a clown your a clown yourself.
Stop pointing fingers at people.
I'm seeing more and young couples moving into parents' homes and THEN having babies while there. All so hubby can coast on a minimum wage job and wifey doesn't have to work at all.
It's one thing to move in and hustle for a couple of years and then get out. It's completely another to move in and become squatters.
Exactly, busting out babies instead of working to get out.
My parents let me stay for years while saving up and starting to invest. We split responsibilities, and since I was an adult, they charged me $1000/mo. Seems like very little, but 10 years ago that was a lot more than it is today. In retrospect though, it was a bargain, and taught me that in the real world you have real responsibilities and bills to pay. That prepared me for an immutable mortgage payment a lot better. Now I have a home and a giant mortgage, and large cash buffers that let me sleep well at night despite that. When I got the place, my parents were so proud, they kept showing up and gifting me anything that I needed for it, for months. It made me feel very loved.
I mean, generational households used to be a thing. The nuclear family is new.
Everyone knows it was far easier to buy a house before the 2008 crisis
@@BikeHelmetMk2My brother (29) and I (42) pay rent/expenses to live at home with our parents. We each have our bedroom and everything's included in the rent. Dad just raised our rent/expenses to $800/month from $700. We were paying $700/month for 2-3 years. Again, everything's included (food, utilities, internet, laundry machines, TV in the living room & in the kitchen etc). We looked at some local "luxury" apartments and the rent for a small one bedroom is around $1500. You paying a grand/month a few years ago is impressive. Glad you have your own house now 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
@@WoodyJ98I grew up in Argentina 🇦🇷 for the first 9 years. I was told that my great-grandfathers built the house. My grandmother lived in it. My aunts & uncles also lived in it temporarily until they got their own house. After Grandma passed the house & lot were sold. The house was demolished and a three story apartment building/office on first floor was built in its place.
Love that comment on the end. Soooo true. We aren't raising kids! We are raising adults who are going through childhood.
Finally a co-host contributed to the conversation other than disrupt it. And he is nice add-on. Keep it up!
My dad always told me and my brother and sister growing up that you can only help someone that is willing to help themselves or his other saying was help is a hand up not a handout he was always willing to help us as long as we held up our end of the agreement there was always conditions on getting his help on something
So many young 20 somethings now feel entitled. They expect you to drop everything and give them what they want!
That younger generation doesn't want to work, they want a check every week but to do nothing for it. I can't believe they are like that. Most of my grandkids are like that and still live with their parents. They are well.into their 20's!
Uncle Dave is so real. 🔥
This is a parent who did THE WRONG THING by her child. The proof is in the pudding. She treated the son like a baby and did the hard work for him. SURPRISE! Sixteen years later the son is no better off and the situation is way more complicated. SMDH. 🙄
Yeah its called a "lawnmower" parent. They've cleared the way their entire life then when life happens to them as an adult they have no idea how to get out of the weeds. Hard to blame the "child" even as an adult.
The son obviously doesn't know about birth control either.
@@wordsalad01 He put the cart before the horse. He was in default on multiple bills. So what's he do? Asks mom and dad to finance a house in their names. And THEN he decides to have four kids. And his finances are STILL in shambles today.
@@wordsalad01 I'm making assumptions? You assume he had medical bills. "For all we know" he bought a new truck. You assume I was talking about his parenting. I said he did things out of order. Bottom line is, he's had 16 years to get it together. Why are you defending him?
@@wordsalad01 True. I don't know this man, nor do I know his life plan for a family. Sounds like his mother was upset that he wasn't honoring his financial responsibility with the house. I have no right to comment on his birth control (or lack thereof).
Nothing wrong with living with your parents as long as you're maturing and working towards your future. There are many benefits to having shared expenses and close family.
This is the best way to say and getting a house. Paying the parent rent why you live under their roof
Unfortunately most of the kids take advantage and dont try to better themselves
Nothing wrong with that at all.
As long as you are being responsible and growing your carrier and maturing into an adult. Not partying and dicking off all the time.
Yes, if the help is temporary.
My brother returned home until 40. He worked but never paid them anything
Sign the house over without giving the 30K and let the chips fall where they may.
“Yeah Baby”!!!!
The person who makes the gift is responsible to pay the gift tax. It is not like winning a jackpot in Vegas.
She is not only giving the son the house, she is trying to get the mortgage out of her name. That's why she is paying it off.
She needs to sell out her interest in the house and let the kid figure it out.
I wish I had parents that bought me a house... Some people are very lucky.
me too
And those lucky one don't appreciate it at all. No house??? I didn't even have a dad.
Those lucky ones are NOT LUCKY in the end…. His mother enabled him & never taught him discipline or how to manage money….. her son probably has no clue, no confidence, no belief in his own capabilities, and is being thrown to the fire for expecting $$ to be handed to him…. An EXPECTATION HIS MOTHER CREATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it possible his mother never taught him anything about money? Bc she needs him to need her?! Y’all gain perspective geez.
No, you don't.
My sister and brother law sold their house. It was sold to grandparents for their granddaughter as a wedding present.
She's going to end up paying even more to keep him from losing the house when he doesn't pay the property taxes.
Her ex probably won't give his share, and the mother will pay the ex off, and give the entire son the house. Then the son will suck more money out of the mother and wring his hands waiting for her to die so he can get it ALL!
You bear me to it.
13:00 I already know this but to also hear it called out is why I like Ramsey, legendary financial advise.
Sell the son
😂
Give you grown child notice and sell the house. As bad as he has done he will not keep up the house. 10+/- years they will be evicted from the house for not paying taxes.
Giving her son a house is a terrible idea. He can't hold down a job, smokes weed all day and has 4 kids to support. How will he pay for inevitable home repairs? How does he pay for anything? By juggling credit cards.
If I were mom I would tell son and his wife that they can rent the house at below market rate. If they don't pay in full and on time every month, she'll initiate eviction proceedings. The breeders can live in a smaller rental as they did before. The parents' assets should be used for education and therapy for the whole sorry lot of them.
In the first two minutes i heard two issues one they had SIXTEEN YEARS to fix their credit. Two it’s in Daddys name and he is dying but they seem more worried about them losing their house than their dad dying even when dad bought them a house. What a piece of work couple.
Every time this woman said "um", an angel got its wings.
🤣
I've had to learn many hard lessons from debt to finding my true love. My life was never easy because first, I have a learning disability, but I've learned to work hard and power through. 2nd, I got myself into debt, but I'm almost out. So I always say to myself and others, "Keep Moving Forward."
He is going to mortgage that house to the hilt and eventually lose the house. I've seen this happen time and time again.
God Bless you Dave Ramsey for dealing with such irresponsible people. Love how honest you are 🙌🏻
He has almost paid a mortgage down in less than 20 years despite the bad credit. Now we don't know how much the parents may have assisted through the years but in less than 20 years 120k on a mid 100k home is almost paid off.
The son is never going to change and there is no way I would pay the house off and give it to him. I grew up poor and my parents didn't help me at all once I left home at 18 to go to college. I'm glad that they didn't because I learned how to make it on my own and do what it took to better my life. I have never asked my mom or any other family member for anything and I never will.
Wayne, you're a real man that society needs more of!
I don't think the dad is going to give up his half. He's been paying for a deadbeat son for 16 years and doesn't have the cushion the mom has from what she said. If he has health problems I could see him refinancing his half..
The son has been making all the house payments. Sounds like the Mom is willing to buy her ex out.
If he has assets such as his house, and he needs to go into assisted-living or go on assistance they’re going to want that house so he cannot gift it to anybody
She's the literal definition of an enabler. Wooooow.
Her kids are gross, but they raised them entitled and with no responsibility....sooo
In my opinion they are feeling guilty for failing their son early on in life and he is milking their guilt.
Worse thing my parents did put of the kindness of their heart was give me money when i was struggling (because of my own stupidity) once they stopped helping me i learned. Now ive fixed my stupid money problems. Self supportive, successful at work. Best thing parents can do for their children is let them figure out how to get out of their own pickle
I teach at a disciplinary alternative setting and many only male children have been coddled their whole life. they are not used to following rules and when they leave our campus they graduate to breaking and entering, burglarizing, assaults, car theft, robbery, car jacking/kidnapping, and murder. these kids have never been told "no". helicopter and snowplow parents don't allow children to try anything and it stunts their development.
One of the biggest misconceptions of my youth was that all wealthy people were more intelligent than me.
Very true alot of them know nothing about money
Dave Ramsey, you are a mine of information! The more I listen to you the more I realise I was right these last forty years!
A tree in a windy location grows stronger than a tree in a sheltered location. I was spoilt a lot as a child but I quickly realised that the only way I was gonna be able to become a strong adult was by breaking away from my parents generosity.
Don't participate in someone else's crazy! Amen!
"Your son deserves a mess...because he is a mess."
Wow. I wish my parents would have been that generous
if only he knows how bless he is
It turns most people into 40 year old children.
They really aren’t doing him any favors….he needs to Grow Up and Stop making babies he can’t take care of.
That's what I'm saying! My parents told me I had to go at 17 and that was a wrap after that lol
Overly generous. There is such a thing as too nice.
Sell the house so the ex has money. He's older and has probably worked his whole life, has health issues and doesn't have a good money situation. The kid is young and needs to bust his *** for a change. Quit having kids.
Yeah. The hardest and kindest thing my parents did was help me and my husband with our house down payment. It was crazy generous and we had no business living in the area.
It gave us the space to have kids - and I would never change what happened because it let us have kids young - but it took us away from the reality of our financial situation. We continued living in a place we could only afford by the skin of our teeth. Generosity is soo hard to do with no harm. And we had been responsible for our bills, renting on our own, no debt, full-time employed for years, but that sudden money was shockingly disruptive. I can’t imagine if you already are bad with money how much enabling can handicap you.
The 3:02 son has been making all the house payments, it's just not in his name. So he's not a loser, he just doesn't have his crap together
The one is defined by the other once you enter your 30's
Uh no. By default that makes you a loser. You must also be one with that mentality
I have seen this in different people my whole life.... enabling ends in loads of sorrow. Rarely ever helpful, rarely really appreciated, and always ends in blowing up family relationships.
Why do people keep popping out kids they can't afford? 😳😳😳 👏👏👏STOP.
Can't stop laughing 😆 🤣 😂 😄 😅 😭
@@garymoses4142 lol like "Stay OFFF OF HER!!!"
You're hotter than the crash site of Kobe's helicopter ❤
Because mommy was bankrolling everything so why think about consequences? Mommy will come in and save the day! I watched the same dang thing happen with my brother and my dad -- my brother would so much as sniffle in discomfort and Daddy would come in and throw money and help at him. Now my brother is a 44yo with the life skills of a 9yo, unable to care for himself, still calling Daddy to rescue him. My dad crippled him with "kindness".
@@AimeePoppinBabies
STAY OUT OF HER! 😂
I can tell a memorable story: When mom was doing 50-60 hours of work-weeks, her little daughter was often in grandma's care, had her own bed, all necessary things and a corner for her own play-things.
A little girl, a BFF, came to visit and marvelled at so very few toys.
- Don't you have more? the visiting girl asked tring to shame the grandkid a little.
- Not here, I have more toys at Mom's, but my Nanny loves me so much, that I only have these favourites here, because that is best for me.
This was surely precocious and echoed Grandma's own words, but the thing is the relationship and the days at Grandma's were totally harmonious. Grandma was absolutely kind and patient, but also sure of her values, able to say "no" and the little girl could 100% rely on her steadfast Nanny, and her love, like being her second Mom.
Grandma had a profound philosophy behind this. You can only deeply love a few dolls (people), you best develop your phantasy without an overload of ready made things, and children need to be engaged in continuous playing that they've invested in, plays that goes on for weeks and months and years, developing with the child, not being distracted all the time. Children can learn about long haul and resourcefulness in their playing. Children should be protected from overwhelm. If they have more things than they easily can put away in their right places, then they have too much things. Right places are for example that dolls know where to sleep, cars in their garages, plush toys in their cosy corners. Everything has to have their proper place so that mess can easily be cleaned up.
Yes😊😊😊
@@turtleanton6539 🐬 🙂
If I were in the caller’s situation, I would pay off the house & set up something like a trust fund for the four grandchildren & have the house part of that trust. Their son & wife are obviously incompetent financially so any money going their way would just be wasted. At least there’s still hope for the grandkids.
What kind of kids do you think they will raise
Often times, the cycle will repeat. The son and his wife will most likely raised messed up kids because that's the only behaviors they were taught. There's always exceptions, but exceptions don't make the rules.
@@Neddie2k well, not necessarily. Some kids pick up in their parents bad behavior and strive to be better. Some kids are just different genetically and have different personalities and could be better at handling money regardless of their environment. Some kids can start off bad with money and then learn good financial habits. It's hard to predict.
@@CreamIceMs All it takes is one friend to provide an example, and one dolty parent, and a lot of kids can figure out the better path. It's the "Lisa + Homer Simpson" paradox. Putting it in a trust for them seems like a good idea. Stick some ETFs in there too and have property tax drawn from it... give the whole family a "homestead" that they can fall back on, etc.
No there isn’t
My sweet, financially savvy mom did quite a bit to help out my siblings and me in our young adult years. I would not advocate for every mom to help every young-adult child financially, but boy am I grateful.
I'll bet you are.
This podcast is 1000% truth!!
Oh my goodness. It is crystal clear how her son ended up as helpless and unaccountable as he did. They raised him to end up this way. At this point Lady - just pay the house off for him and out it in his name. He can’t do anything himself. You and his father have failed him and he doesn’t have it in himself to grow up.
He should change for the sake of his children
@@georgewagner7787 true. And gangsters “should change for the sake of their children”, and druggies, and alcoholics, and pedophiles... the list goes on. But often what people “should” do is not what will happen in reality.
My dad in a nutshell.
If the son has been able to make the payments this entire time, then basically the banks incorrectly evaluated his ability to service the loan. I still think there is more to this if he can even get a 30k loan. Now a bank might not want to give a mortgage for that small of an amount.
My daughter got upset with me because I didn't join her and her father in accruing her college debt. She became increasingly angry when I'd try to give her good/wise advice and so I stopped. Now, she and I don't speak and, though it's been the worse pain I've ever experienced, I'd glad also to no longer be entangled in her attitude, disrespect, hostility, etc. She hated my saying that whatever decision she makes, I will not be co-owner with her in it, i.e., I won't be her "cleanup crew." Trusting God with it all.
I like the way she casually said “a couple million” when Dave asked her what her net worth is. She is my hero (minus the parasite son) 😛
Really? An enabling mother? She could have married into all that money for all we know. She showed basically no desirable qualities in this interview. She may be a wonderful lady but this call didn’t show us that.
@@AV-iw3xc and what are you an what you have? Sounds bitter even if she married into money.
@@AV-iw3xc EXACTLY!!!!! She nurtured her son into becoming her dependent pet for life. She intentionally kept him needing her to rescuing him by training him to be a professional victim. Gifting him the house isn't the end...this story has many more captures of just the same twisted relationship between mom and son.
I will take the next house please and pay back in 16 years 🤣
The second husband had money
I have never heard that one in 47 years!😂🤣😂the clown 🤡 @ circus 🎪…I need to use that one!
And this is the readon why i love Dave! He tells it like it is👏
The son did make payments in the property for 16 yrs and that is something. The grandparents did offer stability for their grandchildren. That is my opinion.
They still are not honoring the agreement.
When I bought a house for my daughter there was 1 condition she paid all lawyers fee and mortgage .could not miss more then 2 payment .
When she missed the 2 payment I sold the the house and she had to move to a apartment
I’ll be her son. I promise to be responsible.
Wouldn't it just be simpler if she just bought out her ex? Then she can just rent to her son for the time being. All the while develop a strategy to sell it or gift it to the son.
That good idea
She needs to break ties, whatever & however
Raising children is hard work..... unless you take the easy road and spoil them.
Very well said
Mother's and their son's 🙄 I agree with Dave, grown up adult son's should get their own. It stunts your growth. You won't become independent when your mum is doing everything for you, including your laundry.
I am 32 and live at home.
I make 75k a year, and pay my family rent monthly.
I am building wealth.
I do not understand the shaming of living with family as long as both parties are mutually benefitting.
Why not rent and be an adult. How many women go on the second date after you tell them you live with mommy and daddy.
@@no5544 - because by renting from family I increase my wealth… and theirs.
Your other point about dating is moot and childish.
@@b-rad-3849 not if you have a plan. And if I decided to live at home my entire life until death..what’s the problem. Who am I hurting.
@@b-rad-3849 then let me do my own damage
@@b-rad-3849 Slippery slope falicy. Your problem apparently isn't with a 32 year old doing that, but someone who stays til 45. Why the quotes around "building wealth"? Is it so hard to believe that someone who is living at home for cheap could afford to save and invest more money?
What I find amazing is, people fail to understand that a person manages to get themselves in a bad situation, despite all of the bad consequences, then they are surprised said person never grows when all consequences are removed. If a man is going to ruin his life when he has to bear the pain of doing so, he's not going to turn himself around in the comfort of things "magically" working out.
I would sell the son the house for the purchase price. He would benefit from the inflation in the long run but at least the parents would get their money back.
The point of the call was that the son has zero money and couldn’t even get a bank to loan him 30k. That’s why they “have” to toss up their hands and give it to him. If a bank or CC won’t even lend 30k, he’s messed up beyond belief
They would will never get their money back
It’s 100% true what Dave is saying. I’ve seen it in my own family with a brother who at age 50 still can’t get his act together even after both of our parents are long gone.
I’ve seen it with many clients who buy their adult offspring a house instead of letting them blossom into adulthood by pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps.
It creates a power struggle between parent & adult offspring where the parent is disappointed in their son/daughter & the son/daughter feels this in their soul.
Then resentment builds on their part towards the parents even if they don’t acknowledge it to anyone else, but deep down they know their parents have unwittingly affirmed that the son/daughter is incapable of caring for themselves or their own family.
I’ve seen clients put their own retirement in jeopardy just to pull money out to “help” bail out their adult offspring from experiencing a bought lesson (aka lessons that hurt financially or emotionally which help you grow into a self sustaining adult).
I refuse to say “child” instead of adult offspring because a child is under the age of 18 & is the parents responsibility to care for them since they are helpless on their own. ✌️
🤔So let me get this straight. The son still has bad credit after 16 years living carelessly because mommy wouldn't cut the cord, but he had time to make a 4TH KID?! The math ain't mathing.
My dad in a nutshell. Never got his shit together and my grandmother always bailing him out of his own messes.