@@no_regerts5176it doesn't matter WHY he does it. It means the same either way. you do not love and respect people and cheat. Those two things cannot exist simultaneously. So the marriage is done unless the woman has a low self esteem
In love & lust with what she hoped and imagined their life together would be like, not at all in touch with the reality of the present . . . Total denial, with the only exception being the few crumbs that fit her dream of happily ever after, consumed with believing in the future she wanted, not seeing what it really was. Having to face the truth, the hurt & the loss, that grieving is one of the most painful things in life. Buckets of tears. Been there, and feeling so sorry for her . . .
I think a lot of people miss who they thought the person was or feel lost because they planned their whole future around another person instead of themselves.
My exhusband moved in with another woman while we were still legally married and had not yet filed for divorce. She was a pleasant person and I got along with her fine when she would come to pick up/drop off my kids for visitation (he usually sent her instead of coming himself which was okey-dokey with me). At one transfer, she told me that my (not-yet-ex) husband had proposed to her on Valentine's Day and they would be getting married in June. I told her that we were still married. She said no, he had told her that we were divorced. I said that she should ask him to show her the court papers proving that we were divorced because as far as I knew, we were still married. They broke up soon afterwards and he was super mad at me. He blamed me for their breakup but jeez, what was I supposed to do? I liked her better than I liked him so it was a no-brainer that I wasn't going to go along with his lie. She would have figured it out eventually anyway.
The break up was 100% his fault. Distance yourself from him and make a motion for a parenting plan with the courts. Children should not be introduced to a paramour until their parents are legally divorced. Also the new relationship should be a minimum of 6 months old before introductions to children happen. Men like this do not have the best interest of their children at heart.
It's funny how men who lie to the prospect about the status of their previous/ ongoing marriage and when we don't allow them to perpetuate a lie that makes u look foolish they blame u for the fall out 😅
The wife likely doesn't respect herself either. I have a hard time believing women who are married to men like this who are chronically up to no good are clueless about it. It's been my observation that cheating men intentionally choose spouses who'll look the other way and not do anything about it.
@@thestorybehindthat5236 i understand that she may not be wholly innocent either but the fact remains that they made vows and even though the husband doesn't honor those vows, if we know someone is married we still have the choice to honor them by walking away.
@thestorybehindthat5236 that's not true. My husband works in and out of town he would video called me with the other woman knowing sitting right there and with his friends to show me he wasn't with anyone else all lies please don't put innocent people in ur bs
First mistake is messing around with a married man. Second mistake is messing around with a married coworker. Married men who cheat with you will cheat on you. Have some standards and class.
I had started dating someone once who had initially told me him and his “ex wife” were divorced. Once we continued on, he revealed that they were actually still legally married because it was easier than going through the trouble of divorce blah blah blah. I didn’t ask anymore questions. I cut things off, including communication. Don’t let another person drag you into the MESS that is their life!
RIGHT! I was once pursued by who seemed like a nice man: funny, charming, sweet to me, attractive. After a few weeks of flirting (with nothing physical or serious), he asked me on an actual date and told me he's been separated for almost a year and "in the process" of a divorce. I immediately heard alarm buzzers going off in my head so I said I'm sorry about his marriage but I don't feel comfortable dating a legally married man, so to reach out once the divorce was final. As a shock to nobody, he never did reach out and I hear he's not only still married but has a child with his wife now. If someone's telling the truth and really getting divorced, they'll have no problem waiting until it's final so you can start your relationship right and with a clean slate.
It's actually an adultery curse they are trying to put on you. And sin of adultery it's death. Even pharroah was innocent after Abraham lied and he still fell under the curse. Some couples habitually do this to innocent victims.
@@sofia7374 this is why I always run background checks on everyone I date early on. Unfortunately there's a plethora of scammers out there seeking to use you for whatever they can get out of the situation. They'll say and do anything. Can't blindly trust anyone's word about anything these days. Always verify.
@@sabrinagranger5468 I dated a guy going through divorce for a short time. They'd been in an ugly custody battle for 3 years. And hadn't lived together in 3 years too. He told me early on and I went to the courthouse website to verify his story. It was all true, I could see the paperwork and dates online. I was young and in hindsight wouldn't do it again only because once the divorce was official a few months later he was hit by a wave of unexpected grief and it was clear he wasn't ready for a relationship after all and had some healing to do first internally. Felt bad for him. Seemed like a legitimately nice guy. Anyway, always verify people's stories on big stuff like this. Technology is amazing. I background check everyone I date and it's saved me from getting involved with a few people who had multiple recent DUI's, serious financial troubles, and one who has a felony, and another who was married but said wasn't. With online dating and whatnot more crazy people have access to normal people than ever before. It's tough out there meeting strangers with zero context. You can't take anyone's word for it. Always always verify and check people out. No big life altering surprises thank you very much!
@@JENKEN425No one cares about a date. Better to ask the important questions earlier to determine if you’re the right fit for them and vice versa. People always know what they don’t want to work with and there is no shame in being direct even if its a first date. You’ll only lose a date. One goes another comes with the same drama.
Good question. Alternatively, I think a couple of good questions are: how many mood stabilizing medications do you take and how many abortions have you had. Cool?
Married doesn't always mean they're together either !! people can live two separate lives in separate houses but still legally married and not be romantically involved together
My story was similar. Lied for a year, then found out he was married, cut contact and took 2 years to heal. It was awful. Fast forward to the present, he is already divorced and proposed to get back to my life. I will never trust him so it is a no. What starts with this kind of lie will NEVER blossom into an honest relationship. It is a matter of character, and a person willing to play you like this from the start is showing you they have no respect or regard for your feelings.
💯 well said. Character is a huge factor in relationships that's often overshadowed. I couldn't be with somebody I didn't respect, no matter how good-looking or rich they were. Good character, integrity is key.
Honestly I had a weirdo who kept begging me to give him a chance, I ended up spending time with him, my friends and his friends. Tried to get to know him, but I didn’t feel like he was honest with me. I didn’t allow things to get further because I didn’t know him. I thought he was charismatic and attractive, he had me charmed enough for me to want to spend time to get to know him but still held back because there were inconsistencies. I found out he was married and had several children, he also had several baby mama’s out and about. I didn’t think he was honest so didn’t allow it to get to the point where it broke my heart or make me cry. Ladies: please value yourself and your time enough to evaluate the people who are trying to get your attention and affection. You don’t need to jump into bed and into a relationship with someone just because they say the right things and you’re convinced enough, or charmed enough. Protect yourself and your energy, don’t just allow these people in your heart without some investigative research. There’s always signs of deception and if you allow yourself the time and space to use your discernment you will save yourself from these ridiculous losers who don’t deserve to lick the gum off the bottom of your shoe.
@@FEVERDREAM889your point is invalid. So what if they are married? They are separated so the marriage is grey area. Your point of it they are married you can’t do anything is false
@@noone-dv1jo Mkay. Go ahead and get with a "legally separated" MARRIED person, and see in a court of law how your affair is treated. "Legally separated" affairs are okay if in the separation specifies you are in agreement to see other people, and even then your legal spouse (yes, still legal) can decide they are no longer in agreement with that arrangement. Separated is still married. I don't know why that's so hard for you to understand. Anyway, we're not married so we have no reason to argue. 🤣 Have a great day!
@@noone-dv1jono disrespect man. I agree with op. That is legal binding dude. You might as well not get married if you want a grey area. This is why ppl get divorced so that they can have all the grey areas they want lol. Being married to a person says you’re with them separated or not. Divorce says you’re free to go
As another Professional having dealt with this kind of thing for over 30 years, I think Dr. John gave very good advice. Where I think he fell short is not telling her to find a new job. She can break off all contact, threaten the HR thing, etc. but this guy is a Dirtbag Predator who is slick as Hell, and she is a very vulnerable woman. I promise you he will try to worm his way back in. She needs to find a different job in addition to all of the things John advised her to do.
Thank you for teaching people about how to be in their power. More people need to be told this and do this. Cut all contact and you will start feeling better. You can’t heal while you’re still around them.
Right. A story like that always gets around in some way. The woman seeing a married man is ALWAYS going to be the devil 👿 in that scenario, whether or not he gets divorced and whether or not they continue a relationship afterward. NEVER COMPROMISE YOUR JOB by getting involved with a co-worker or, worse, a supervisor.
Im glad you said this. My wife said she realized she was never in love with me because of how she felt about her affair partner. After she tried breaking it off with him, he tried convincing her to get into an open relationship and then became obsessed to the point it was making her uncomfortable. She now realizes she didn’t love him. She still sees him at her work. Now she entered into another affair and again has to see him every day and he has been trying to contact her. Both are significantly older (15+ years) married men. I tried telling her this would happen but she has been convinced they are “good guys” who are just hurting…..yeah us men know what is really going on. I tried telling her that her reputation at her job would be (if wasn’t already) ruined.
Not necessarily. If she doesn’t work with him really closely, as long as he’s not her boss or anything, once she knows the kind of guy he is her emotions won’t need to affect her work. She can strengthen herself within, tune him out, and continue moving forward with her life. The only one needing to disrupt their life as a result of this situation is him.
Hell no! She shouldn't need to find another job. She can and should tell him that it's over and that he's not to contact her except for work related matters. If he doesn't respect this, she can go to HR.
For two years, I dated a „divorced“ work colleague who had worked in another division of our company for more than 13 years. He got outed by his own oblivious (to the situation) wife when he ran in a company sponsored marathon and she commented on the finish photo. She said that she was so proud of her husband and the sacrifices he made for work. Dozens of people jumped into the conversation to see who wifey was. We were all surprised (but me most of all) to discover that he had a family of four in another city. His wife was surprised to hear that he explained his weekend trips home as „caring for aging parents.“ He lost his job for other reasons shortly after. He still tries to get in touch about every six months. Jerk.
It's because he didn't value his marriage, and you thought he would value you. When in reality, you were just fulfilling lust obligations. Women do this as well to their marriages.
@@BeUr_Besthis weekend trips home from work were explained to coworkers as “caring for elderly parents”. he likely told the wife & family that to make money to support their lives & lifestyle that he had to work far away & miss out on family time/etc. aka “sacrifice”. your wife & kids wouldn’t buy that & miss out on seeing sick GRANDMA & GRANDPA every week. no good partner especially wife let alone just any half decent woman would let a man that’s important to her see sick relatives alone even 99.9% of the time.
Almost 20 years ago, I was introduced to a fellow high schooler at a party. He told me he was broken up with his girlfriend for 2 months. We hit it off and started seeing each other. At the time, social media wasn’t as big and we went to different high schools in different towns so I had no way of knowing if he really had broken up with her or not. Well, we were together for four months before he left his cellphone at his gf’s house (having told me he was grounded the night before for smoking weed) and she answered when I called him to confirm our plans for that weekend. Don’t worry, when the gf and I found out that he was playing both of us, we went scorched earth on him. If someone tells you they’re separated or in the process of divorcing or breaking up…run for it. Not worth it.
I'm not sure I've ever heard someone called out on their behavior in such a loving, honest, and productive way. No character assassination, no shaming, no execution-style judgment.
Women should start understanding that Separated is not Divorced. Don't start up with them until you see the Divorce papers finalized at the court house.
@@aliciacarstensen7904I think the point was you don't want to just see divorce papers because divorce papers=/=finalized divorce. I, personally, think it is unwise to start a relationship with a divorcee as well. I can understand to a degree if you are privy to the details and you know the other spouse was the one who filed and was the one who was unfaithful and stuff but if you are starting a relationship with someone who is divorced you are getting big baggage, bare minimum. But know that if someone has divorce papers they can still reconcile and end divorce proceedings. I have seen it happen.
I can't believe she doesn't get it. Winning a cheater is not a win. She isn't the better woman.. he did it to his wife and he'll do it to her as well. Quit trying to justify his behavior and his lies. Red flags everywhere
A cheatet is 1.cruel if he will be cruel to 1 female he WILL BE CRUEL to you 2. A liar again lying to another female WILL lie to you sometime 3. Dangerous the risk of STI is very real and he has no qualms about spreading it around 4. No self control
@@byefelicia8632boring & predictable. 😂. no. when your words match your actions that makes you SAFE & DEPENDABLE. you’re a fucking spoiled attention junkie. everyone is nowadays. mistake your clownery for neurotypical human psychology 😂
"I knew this person was married..." "I'm afraid I'll pass up on good things." Girl, what a dumbass move to knowingly be in a relationship with a mess of a man. Dump him. Take it as time served already. Don't be the homewrecker. Don't be the sidepiece. You are far, far worth more than settling with a married guy.
I was hoping she meant "passing up on good things" that she was missing by wasting her time with a married man. But, probably not, since she didn't correct Dr Delony.
This is what deep and thorough background checks are for, they could be saving you headaches later, even potential arguments You don't want to get into an argument with someone claiming to be his wife because if you've never been married before and you've never seen a marriage license, you may find yourself telling her to prove it, let's see the marriage license Ask for your own copy, go to the courthouse and validate it to see if it's even legit because documents can be falsified Also take it to a lawyer who can verify it, because again, documents can be faked and falsified If they can't give you a copy of the marriage license, that's a big red flag they're not really married Good sign if they do give you a copy of what they say is the marriage license because then you can validate it to see if it's even legit Do a deep and thorough background check on not just your potential date, but everyone of the opposite sex who's affiliated with that potential date to make sure they're not a spouse Once you're sure they're not married, then you're free to do as you want
John is absolutely right, he is dragging her name through the dirt at home saying she is just no one and some weird chick that is always around at work. Only way possible for it to have gone on as long as it did.
@@puclopuclik4108There is a good chance the married man was her boss or in a management position. All she has to do is claim hostile work environment and blowback from not continuing the relationship. If she said the right things on that secret audio recording, assuming it's not considered wiretapping in her state, good chance he'll be forced to leave and she could get a very good settlement out of it if she gets fired.
Yea she is loving it. She wanted someone to tell her that it's OK to keep moving on with him, but she got the opposite and which makes her fantasies even more exciting for her
@@firefly9838then he would be honest with her, duh. If he’s lying to her and cheating then HE is the problem and she is his next victim. This is pretty basic.
Is this woman better than this? Not so sure. She knowingly dated a married man. Knowingly. Doesn’t seem like she holds much respect for the institution of marriage.
The problem with deleting their contact is they can reach out to you without their name attached to it. Then you start interacting realizing who it is at first. I first block that number, and then I delete the contact.
Narcissists will lie, cheat, steel and all the while, try their hardest to convince you they are not doing any of those things. Victim blaming is not the way to go, but at some point, people have to realize that Narcissists exist and to avoid them at all costs. Other people are nothing but tools to them. They lack real emotional connection and empathy. They will lie directly to your face, telling you that you are their soulmate, meanwhile saying the same thing to 10 other people. Save yourselves. 🙏🏼
I try to assume some positive intent. What if he is an abusive relationship that he is trying to get out. He communicates with a woman from work who he loves. Opportunity knocks but once.
@@no_regerts5176Except you obviously didn’t listen to the whole story…he lied to her for a YEAR about being divorced, and the she found out from his wife that she wasn’t the first or only person this man had cheated on his wife with. Come on…stop making excuses for serial adulterers. People need to MAKE CLEAN BREAKS from one relationship before starting another.
@@no_regerts5176 Even if he was in an abusive relationship, he could have let her know he wasn't going to date until the marriage was legally over. She also has equal responsibility not to date or continue to date a man she knows is legally married. If they're into each other, they can wait. There is lots of opportunity out there and people can also wait. That opportunity doesn't require you to partake in this behavior.
@no_regerts5176 With married men NEVER assume positive intent. They are always lying and using. He is a grown man, if he wanted out he would have gotten out. He's probably so good at saying those sweet things because he has said them before verbatim to other women.
It’s come to my attention that about 75% of people who’ll approach you at work will indeed be married. I’ve had 3 men approach me around the building I work in only to find out they were in “unhappy relationships/marriages” it’s ridiculous. He’s solely accountable for starting this fire and leading her on. These greasy men need to be held accountable who use workplaces to have physical and or emotional affairs. She sounds like she’s acutely aware of the situation, but was hoping for something more, like a relationship, and I won’t fault her for that. BIG shame on him for putting her through that, that crap he put her through is inexcusable and embarrassing.
How do you know he started this fire? Even if that was the case, she has responsibility for saying no she won't date until the divorce is final. I've been married for 20 years, still am, and never cheated on my wife. I've had literal dozens of women over the years, some I've worked with, proposition me knowing I was married. Both the caller and the man she's interested in are equal trash, and I wouldn't be around either for anything if possible.
I am not a big fan of going the HR route, but any married man who approaches you needs to be reported. Also, message his wife on social media if you can.
How do you move on? 1. Delete and block him on all social medias. 2. Block his emails. 3. Block and delete his phone number. 4. Stay away from his house and workplace 5. Change jobs and relocate if you have to.
She didn't betray anyone. She didn't marry his wife. He did that. And she didn't know he was married until she was deep in a relationship with him. She bonded deep with this guy under false pretenses. That doesn't just go away magically when you've spent the past year in love planning your life and future with someone you think is the one. That's a lot to process and get over and will take a minute. People aren't robots.
So what happened to being a “girl’s girl?” Women pick and choose whatever delusion justifies their bad behavior. She knew they were separated which is STILL MARRIED. He probably made his wife look horrible, and she felt that she could be better than her. She knowingly participated.
She is in love with a man who doesn’t exist and never did. Been there before. She has to grieve him as if he died. Also don’t try to get closure from him, he’ll just use it as a way to keep you at arms length. Cut it off immediately and grieve him.
I’ve been in this situation. Believed all the lies and sighs and blathers. It took me a while to move through the fog of lost souls to figure out that this man was the epitome of “the bar is on the floor”. I wanted better and deserved better. Said peace to the planet and never spoke to him again.
How do you love someone you know is a murderer? How do you love someone you know is deliberately destroys his Family? That's what cheaters do. It's not Love. Love does not Destroy. If you understand Love wrong then that is something you have to look into. That is the confused state of mind that cheaters exploit.
A simple perusal of your local county clerk online civil docket will quickly tell you wether someone filed for divorce or not! Save yourself some time and heartbreak
Step 1: "Hey, what date did you file for divorce? Because I checked the civil court database and didn't see a case in your name. I wonder how often they update the website." Step 2: Watch color drain from cheater's face
@@denisesalles7248 that’s so true. If there was no romantic intention at first why wouldn’t she believe he is divorced? I think dr John is right and she’s not the first one. She would be the last if that wife of his had any self worth either
Dr. John Delony, I loved how you chuckled when you heard that this person was married...you knew where this was going! As psychologists, we know these type of relationships are trouble. I also loved your compassionate approach, as humans we are not perfect. Sometimes we know we are not doing the right thing, but knowing doesn´t always help. Therapy is the way to go and forgiving yourself Lucy. Hugs to all the people in difficult scenarios!
@@atk_1 women aren’t desperate. They understand that you don’t get a winner all to yourself, and they’d much rather share him than have an average guy that nobody else wants all to themselves
Even with your husband, don't rush into merging bank accounts and buying home together. Watch them for a while, then do it. Always have your own money set aside
@@mrv2308 Yep, but a woman will often stay because once she starts sleeping with a man she has feelings for she gets really bonded to him. It's happened to me before. It's like your mind is telling you one thing, but you are physically incapable of separating. (Especially young women, she sounded young.)
Even dating ACTUALLY separated people, they live in separate homes, kids are in shared custody, when its a new ( 1st year) its risky and not healthy. Few are fully available emotionally yet. I found 2x as a young widow trying to date, that young kids will tell their mommies they dont like Daddys new friend, and soon your new bf is " hiding you", or ending it because his ex and kids dont approve. So its better when they have set up a new life and have some balance.
Been in similar situations. I wanted so badly to have the fairytale love story and because of my past trauma as a child, my history of the men I was attracting, I was my own worst self loathing enemy. Hardest lesson? I AM NOT THE EXCEPTION. Pretty sure she’s going through all the red flags she chose to ignore and is berating herself for how someone as smart as she is can be so foolish. My new immediate question when a man says he is divorced or separated is “DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW??” and every single time I have been 100% accurate that they were trying some funny business. I know my value now.
Me too ❤❤🙏 took me a long time to get there because for so long I wanted a life partner and marriage...but finally made peace with being single and embracing it
My mother-in-law, back in the early 1960s, was dating a guy and they were talking about getting married and it was going great. When she realized she was pregnant, she told him, and he said “oh dear, we’ve got a problem“ she asked him what was wrong, and he said, “well, I’m still married.“ Not only was he still married but his wife was pregnant as well. Anyway, they moved to her hometown and told everyone that they were married except for her older sister. Two weeks after my husband was born, this man was killed in a car wreck. It turns out he was actually an alcoholic and from a horrible family, so I’m really relieved that he is not who raised my husband. His mom married a great guy when he was four years old, and he was the best Papa my kids could have ever had! I think that his real wife actually had a much better life with him out of the picture, from what I have now learned from some family members that we have connected with. It’s still just an awful story. (My mother-in-law was mortified that she had ever done any of that, but she was super young, and it was the 1960s, and her family was super religious.)
It is just life. We do not know the man who was killed so better not stigmatise him also saying he was an alcoholic. My brother is adicted and he is my most precious person on a planet
Some women marry for reasons other than love and respect. They know what they're singing up for and look the other way. Men like him seek women like that to marry.
Some woman are stuck because of the $. Having grown up in poverty bcz my mom did leave when my dad started dating other woman. If you can't afford a lawyer you might not be able to get the child or spousal support you should. Hopefully the wife is planning an exit strategy.
She's not going to stop messing with him. This will last a few days and once he goes on his apology tour and beg for her she will forgive him only to be hurt later
My current wife was in the middle of a divorce when we met. I told her finish the paper work and we can talk. Three kids and ten years later here we are.
I had something similar happen to me. A woman who I let myself fall for because she did so much for me. I let my guard down only to find out after knowing her for ~1 year and starting to date her that she had a long-term boyfriend. I went home and cried that night, and it took me a few few months to recover. If I had known she had someone else I would've never developed feeling for her or spent so much alone time with her.
And she laughs 🙄 Also she knew exactly what she was doing when she went to his house. She knew the wife was going to be there. She wanted the wife to know.
I’m always baffled by the amount of married men who hit on me. I have never and will never date a married man. Not even interested in dating a divorced man depending upon the circumstances. People need to learn to follow through with their commitments.
This young lady is one of the most articulate and well spoken callers I’ve heard so far. I can’t remember a single stutter or “like like like”. I am thoroughly impressed. I hope she gets all she deserves out of life and it’s not this guy.
I did what John is describing for 7yrs. I kept finding myself involved with alcoholic cheaters. I decided dating needed to wait til i liked myself enough to set boundaries. Im now married to an amazing guy that is honest and responsible when he drinks. It was worth all the work
I thought this as well. If the drama ended, she wouldn't have this well meaning therapist telling her that she is "better than this" and a victim to be pitied.
Oh she loves hearing all the compliments- every time John said something she really took it in and thanked him. A person with low self worth would normally dismiss any positive feedback. She is trash.
@@Vizion870Good looking, tall, successful men are rarely single. If they are, it’s because they have plenty of options and don’t have to marry to continue a fulfilling sex life.
Because a married man has already been vetted and vouched for by another eligible woman, and also because women want the men that other women already have. It’s a catty/jealousy thing.
Start looking for a new job, ASAP. And don't tell anybody. Preferably in a different state. Get your new job, move, cut your mutual contacts, and block him. You can't end this while you're still seeing him at work, or anywhere; or phoning, texting, etc.
Dayummmm John! He straight called her “a spineless lying coward” and rightfully so. I notice how loud the silence is after he put us the blame on her too & I know she can’t accept her part in this, this is why she’s calling in but she should have expected this response because it’s THE TRUTH.
When I was very young i had an older man convince me that he was divorcing his wife. Needless to say, the wife accepted our relationship and in fact she had her own relationship as well. It took them 7 years to actually divorce and then we broke up shortly after their divorce. Dating married people almost always is a waste of time and energy. Don’t worry, I’ve had my karma and so did he.
well when they date a married person it is usually because they dont want commitment, they dont have to worry about a marriage and struggle.....etc....they just want safety of some fun.
Thank you for uplifting and helping women. You are one of the good ones Sir. I hope you are happy in your life. If you ever feel down then please remember what a blessing you have been to many.
It takes two to tango but only one to say "NO"! Married is married regardless of a separation. So many women are setting themselves up for this, my heart goes out for them because it's a testimony of how little they value themselves and other women (the wives of these men). I pray they get to the root of what drives them to perpetuate self destructive behaviors that hinders their growth and self worth.
I know but come on, when a man says he’s divorcing his wife or in the process of it.. they 99% of the time aren’t. It’s sucks but some people are just liars
The more this lady talked the less I liked (& believed) her. And I get a little weary of the "self-worth" stuff. Have some morals, maybe the self-worth will follow.
"I feel for this woman. Sometimes the heart wants what it wants and she thought he loved her the same way she loved him. Nobody deserves that" - It was completely in her control to say no, she won't date a legally married man.
its not her responsibility to protect the feeling of a stranger. The man was available for her and she decided to proceed. You females are always blaming the women and not the man. He was the one who took vows not her @Sam11747
@@waterbear5248 - "its not her responsibility to protect the feeling of a stranger." It has nothing to do with protecting another person's feelings, but it's to protect her (the caller) from situations like these. If a woman gets together with a man knowing he's got a trial pending then goes to prison, "You females are always blaming the women and not the man." - I'm not a woman and I'm not blaming the woman. I'm blaming the situation a person go themselves in, which is entertaining the idea of pursuing a married individual. I would also consider it a major red flag for a legally married person to pursue anyone until the divorce finalizes. "He was the one who took vows not her @Sam11747" - 100% in agreement with you, but she also knew he was legally married and continued the relationship. When someone doesn't want to wait for a person's legal separation to finish to finish dating, it's a serious red flag for either person.
Met a guy in my apartment complex who first claimed he was divorced. When we began dating, he changed his story and said he was going through a divorce. The story was believable because he lived separately a few miles away from his wife and teenage sons. Several months later, I learned that neither one of them actually filed for divorce - they were merely "separated." Then I learned they were still sleeping together. It finally occurred to me that they were not getting divorced at all; he just kept the apartment as a home office where he could "work" without the distractions of home. The proximity of my apartment from his made it impossible to get away from him - I knew I had to move. I eventually took a job and moved several thousand miles away, where I was finally able to cut him off. It was a difficult process, but I was so relieved to be rid of him.
Don’t sugarcoat this. It is adultery. So what, she feels bad. You will reap what you sow. She is laughing. How would she like to be the wife and another woman laughing saying I can’t let him go. Gee.
I had a similar experience, luckily I never met him in person and I'm grateful that he confessed that he was separated. They were 'separated' but still living together. I told him to call me when he was divorced with a capital D. I'm not dating anyone who is separated. He said 'well, that could take years.' Yeah, it could and good luck with that.
I know an enlisted woman who was dating an officer (against military code, but it happens). They planned to get married, and she’d get out of the military so they could stay together instead of both going to different countries. She got out, he then dumped her. He’d been married all along, she had no idea. He ended the whole thing entirely at her expense, because she was unemployed and heartbroken and he didn’t care. I don’t think his wife ever found out.
End it! End it immediately. Do not contact him or let him contact you outside of work. And look for new work. Move on. Never ever be involved with someone who lied about the most basic aspect at the foundation of your relationship.
I’ve never been personally touched by an affair, but I’ve still always had very strong feelings towards it. Something that never fails to strike me hearing the other woman’s story is how little they think about the wife. I genuinely don’t get it. Any remorse expressed is usually for self: feeling bad that SHE is hurting. It’s very rare to hear the other woman she’s tears over what she’s knowingly done to another woman.
6:43 when you said you created a person in your imagination and backfilled it with that guy. That sent chills to my toes. OMG John you are reallllllly good at this. I wish I could talk to you😊
No need. When he tells you that he is separated, he is clearly and truthfully telling you that he is still married and not living together but not divorced.
@DaniiDaniii8 " when a guy says says he's "separated" get the ID check to see if he's actually divorced.... If not: byez" - Or you just end the relationship right when you find out.
That's why I never date with any one I work with. I do not date married, seperated, it is complicated. Only divorced or widowed but there needs to to have some time passed. Give them time to work through the drama of it. I've been divorced since 2013 and it took me until 2018 to get into a serious relationship and I caught him cheating in 2020 . I've been single since.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
Know what you get when a man cheats on his wife and leaves her to marry you? You get a man who cheats on his wife. Let that sink in.
A guy who cheats on his wife often does it for physical gratification and the marriage can be salvaged. When a woman cheats, the marriage is done.
But she thinks she'll be the exception, the one in the million that will change Chad's ways. hahaha.
@@no_regerts5176facts, 💯. That's exactly how it works
@@no_regerts5176it doesn't matter WHY he does it. It means the same either way. you do not love and respect people and cheat. Those two things cannot exist simultaneously. So the marriage is done unless the woman has a low self esteem
@no_regerts5176 for a woman to stay with a cheater she has to be ok with his behavior because it will never stop
Best quote ever: You don’t miss HIM. You miss who you THOUGHT he was.
or thought he could be
In love & lust with what she hoped and imagined their life together would be like, not at all in touch with the reality of the present . . . Total denial, with the only exception being the few crumbs that fit her dream of happily ever after, consumed with believing in the future she wanted, not seeing what it really was.
Having to face the truth, the hurt & the loss, that grieving is one of the most painful things in life. Buckets of tears. Been there, and feeling so sorry for her . . .
@@JB-wp2gn so true! Too often, people marry someone who they want them to be rather than who they truly are.
Been there, it's hard when someone misrepresents themselves and you love that person.
I think a lot of people miss who they thought the person was or feel lost because they planned their whole future around another person instead of themselves.
My exhusband moved in with another woman while we were still legally married and had not yet filed for divorce. She was a pleasant person and I got along with her fine when she would come to pick up/drop off my kids for visitation (he usually sent her instead of coming himself which was okey-dokey with me).
At one transfer, she told me that my (not-yet-ex) husband had proposed to her on Valentine's Day and they would be getting married in June. I told her that we were still married. She said no, he had told her that we were divorced. I said that she should ask him to show her the court papers proving that we were divorced because as far as I knew, we were still married.
They broke up soon afterwards and he was super mad at me. He blamed me for their breakup but jeez, what was I supposed to do? I liked her better than I liked him so it was a no-brainer that I wasn't going to go along with his lie. She would have figured it out eventually anyway.
Of course it's YOUR fault that he had no character and lied to his GF. You saved her!
The break up was 100% his fault. Distance yourself from him and make a motion for a parenting plan with the courts. Children should not be introduced to a paramour until their parents are legally divorced. Also the new relationship should be a minimum of 6 months old before introductions to children happen.
Men like this do not have the best interest of their children at heart.
It's funny how men who lie to the prospect about the status of their previous/ ongoing marriage and when we don't allow them to perpetuate a lie that makes u look foolish they blame u for the fall out 😅
He could have avoided that by just divorcing 😂 you saved her!
You saved him from bigamy.
Please respect his wife even though he doesn't.
Respect yourself as well.
💯
The wife likely doesn't respect herself either. I have a hard time believing women who are married to men like this who are chronically up to no good are clueless about it. It's been my observation that cheating men intentionally choose spouses who'll look the other way and not do anything about it.
@@thestorybehindthat5236 i understand that she may not be wholly innocent either but the fact remains that they made vows and even though the husband doesn't honor those vows, if we know someone is married we still have the choice to honor them by walking away.
@thestorybehindthat5236 that's not true. My husband works in and out of town he would video called me with the other woman knowing sitting right there and with his friends to show me he wasn't with anyone else all lies please don't put innocent people in ur bs
First mistake is messing around with a married man. Second mistake is messing around with a married coworker.
Married men who cheat with you will cheat on you. Have some standards and class.
Hardly specific to men my dear
@@rwither1 You're right. In this instance though, it was a married man. Regardless of what gender does it, my statement remains the same.
Writing is on the wall~~~run, run🏃🏽➡️🏃🏼♂️➡️🏃🏽♀️➡️🏃🏼♂️➡️🏃🏽➡️🏃🏽♀️➡️ and shut the door 🚪 stat❗️
Great advice!
@@leigh5251 ok I’m good with that. I don’t like cheaters either. They are in fact cheater cheater pumpkin eaters.
I had started dating someone once who had initially told me him and his “ex wife” were divorced. Once we continued on, he revealed that they were actually still legally married because it was easier than going through the trouble of divorce blah blah blah. I didn’t ask anymore questions. I cut things off, including communication. Don’t let another person drag you into the MESS that is their life!
Agree agree AGREE.
RIGHT! I was once pursued by who seemed like a nice man: funny, charming, sweet to me, attractive. After a few weeks of flirting (with nothing physical or serious), he asked me on an actual date and told me he's been separated for almost a year and "in the process" of a divorce. I immediately heard alarm buzzers going off in my head so I said I'm sorry about his marriage but I don't feel comfortable dating a legally married man, so to reach out once the divorce was final. As a shock to nobody, he never did reach out and I hear he's not only still married but has a child with his wife now.
If someone's telling the truth and really getting divorced, they'll have no problem waiting until it's final so you can start your relationship right and with a clean slate.
It's actually an adultery curse they are trying to put on you. And sin of adultery it's death. Even pharroah was innocent after Abraham lied and he still fell under the curse. Some couples habitually do this to innocent victims.
@@sofia7374 this is why I always run background checks on everyone I date early on. Unfortunately there's a plethora of scammers out there seeking to use you for whatever they can get out of the situation. They'll say and do anything. Can't blindly trust anyone's word about anything these days. Always verify.
@@sabrinagranger5468 I dated a guy going through divorce for a short time. They'd been in an ugly custody battle for 3 years. And hadn't lived together in 3 years too. He told me early on and I went to the courthouse website to verify his story. It was all true, I could see the paperwork and dates online. I was young and in hindsight wouldn't do it again only because once the divorce was official a few months later he was hit by a wave of unexpected grief and it was clear he wasn't ready for a relationship after all and had some healing to do first internally. Felt bad for him. Seemed like a legitimately nice guy. Anyway, always verify people's stories on big stuff like this. Technology is amazing. I background check everyone I date and it's saved me from getting involved with a few people who had multiple recent DUI's, serious financial troubles, and one who has a felony, and another who was married but said wasn't. With online dating and whatnot more crazy people have access to normal people than ever before. It's tough out there meeting strangers with zero context. You can't take anyone's word for it. Always always verify and check people out. No big life altering surprises thank you very much!
“You CAN’T control what kind of spineless lying coward he is, you CAN control what kind of spineless lying coward you are.” GOLD. FUCKING GOLD.
Straight, no chaser‼️ 🤣😂
One of my favorite first date questions: How long have you been legally divorced?
lolllllllllllll intrestign way to start a date lol
@@JENKEN425 Gives me ample time to get up and leave.
@@JENKEN425No one cares about a date. Better to ask the important questions earlier to determine if you’re the right fit for them and vice versa. People always know what they don’t want to work with and there is no shame in being direct even if its a first date. You’ll only lose a date. One goes another comes with the same drama.
Good question. Alternatively, I think a couple of good questions are: how many mood stabilizing medications do you take and how many abortions have you had. Cool?
Another important question would be "how many kids do you have?". Probably more important than how long have you been divorced.
Separated DOES NOT equal divorce
Learned that the hard way
He wanted a secret side chick, while being married
Married doesn't always mean they're together either !! people can live two separate lives in separate houses but still legally married and not be romantically involved together
Married is married. Period.
Unfortunately, she has every excuse like I don't know how to break it off like I wish she's made for the streets. What is Santa Claus say ho ho ho
It’s so crazy hearing these women willing to risk it all for Dan who sits two cubicles down and cheats on his wife.
So desperate and pathetic
He painted a picture for her. Groomed her, loved bombed her. He is a narc and needed supply and she was broken and fell for it.
Funny she settles for cubicle Dan
Low self-esteem.
😂
My story was similar. Lied for a year, then found out he was married, cut contact and took 2 years to heal. It was awful. Fast forward to the present, he is already divorced and proposed to get back to my life. I will never trust him so it is a no. What starts with this kind of lie will NEVER blossom into an honest relationship. It is a matter of character, and a person willing to play you like this from the start is showing you they have no respect or regard for your feelings.
💯 well said. Character is a huge factor in relationships that's often overshadowed. I couldn't be with somebody I didn't respect, no matter how good-looking or rich they were. Good character, integrity is key.
Honestly I had a weirdo who kept begging me to give him a chance, I ended up spending time with him, my friends and his friends. Tried to get to know him, but I didn’t feel like he was honest with me. I didn’t allow things to get further because I didn’t know him. I thought he was charismatic and attractive, he had me charmed enough for me to want to spend time to get to know him but still held back because there were inconsistencies. I found out he was married and had several children, he also had several baby mama’s out and about. I didn’t think he was honest so didn’t allow it to get to the point where it broke my heart or make me cry. Ladies: please value yourself and your time enough to evaluate the people who are trying to get your attention and affection. You don’t need to jump into bed and into a relationship with someone just because they say the right things and you’re convinced enough, or charmed enough. Protect yourself and your energy, don’t just allow these people in your heart without some investigative research. There’s always signs of deception and if you allow yourself the time and space to use your discernment you will save yourself from these ridiculous losers who don’t deserve to lick the gum off the bottom of your shoe.
Married is married. Always. There is no grey area.
No. That is not true.
@@noone-dv1jo It is to avoid mess like this. And yes, legally separated is still married. So there is no grey area. If you're married, you're married.
@@FEVERDREAM889your point is invalid. So what if they are married? They are separated so the marriage is grey area. Your point of it they are married you can’t do anything is false
@@noone-dv1jo Mkay. Go ahead and get with a "legally separated" MARRIED person, and see in a court of law how your affair is treated. "Legally separated" affairs are okay if in the separation specifies you are in agreement to see other people, and even then your legal spouse (yes, still legal) can decide they are no longer in agreement with that arrangement. Separated is still married. I don't know why that's so hard for you to understand. Anyway, we're not married so we have no reason to argue. 🤣 Have a great day!
@@noone-dv1jono disrespect man. I agree with op. That is legal binding dude. You might as well not get married if you want a grey area. This is why ppl get divorced so that they can have all the grey areas they want lol. Being married to a person says you’re with them separated or not. Divorce says you’re free to go
As another Professional having dealt with this kind of thing for over 30 years, I think Dr. John gave very good advice. Where I think he fell short is not telling her to find a new job. She can break off all contact, threaten the HR thing, etc. but this guy is a Dirtbag Predator who is slick as Hell, and she is a very vulnerable woman. I promise you he will try to worm his way back in. She needs to find a different job in addition to all of the things John advised her to do.
Thank you for teaching people about how to be in their power. More people need to be told this and do this. Cut all contact and you will start feeling better. You can’t heal while you’re still around them.
Right. A story like that always gets around in some way. The woman seeing a married man is ALWAYS going to be the devil 👿 in that scenario, whether or not he gets divorced and whether or not they continue a relationship afterward. NEVER COMPROMISE YOUR JOB by getting involved with a co-worker or, worse, a supervisor.
Im glad you said this. My wife said she realized she was never in love with me because of how she felt about her affair partner. After she tried breaking it off with him, he tried convincing her to get into an open relationship and then became obsessed to the point it was making her uncomfortable. She now realizes she didn’t love him. She still sees him at her work. Now she entered into another affair and again has to see him every day and he has been trying to contact her. Both are significantly older (15+ years) married men. I tried telling her this would happen but she has been convinced they are “good guys” who are just hurting…..yeah us men know what is really going on. I tried telling her that her reputation at her job would be (if wasn’t already) ruined.
Not necessarily. If she doesn’t work with him really closely, as long as he’s not her boss or anything, once she knows the kind of guy he is her emotions won’t need to affect her work. She can strengthen herself within, tune him out, and continue moving forward with her life. The only one needing to disrupt their life as a result of this situation is him.
Hell no! She shouldn't need to find another job. She can and should tell him that it's over and that he's not to contact her except for work related matters. If he doesn't respect this, she can go to HR.
They NEVER leave their wives. Anytime they tell you divorce is in the process it is not so...
Exactly . I knew a girl who waited 8 years and swore he was leaving his wife . She’s wasted 8 years waiting for this loser .
Sometimes they do and it’s devastating to the family.
Some women know this but play along because the sex with the hot married guy is good
@@nycatlady2314 Exactly. This guy SHOULD be faithful to his wife.
Mine did.
For two years, I dated a „divorced“ work colleague who had worked in another division of our company for more than 13 years. He got outed by his own oblivious (to the situation) wife when he ran in a company sponsored marathon and she commented on the finish photo. She said that she was so proud of her husband and the sacrifices he made for work. Dozens of people jumped into the conversation to see who wifey was. We were all surprised (but me most of all) to discover that he had a family of four in another city. His wife was surprised to hear that he explained his weekend trips home as „caring for aging parents.“ He lost his job for other reasons shortly after. He still tries to get in touch about every six months. Jerk.
The fact that he lies to his wife about “caring for his aging parents” is just wild. He doesn’t respect his wife, nor did he respect you
It's because he didn't value his marriage, and you thought he would value you. When in reality, you were just fulfilling lust obligations. Women do this as well to their marriages.
@@BeUr_Besthis weekend trips home from work were explained to coworkers as “caring for elderly parents”. he likely told the wife & family that to make money to support their lives & lifestyle that he had to work far away & miss out on family time/etc. aka “sacrifice”. your wife & kids wouldn’t buy that & miss out on seeing sick GRANDMA & GRANDPA every week. no good partner especially wife let alone just any half decent woman would let a man that’s important to her see sick relatives alone even 99.9% of the time.
How did he make you believe all that? You wouldn’t ask where he was the other times?
My god that’s so disgusting. I’m so sorry.
Almost 20 years ago, I was introduced to a fellow high schooler at a party. He told me he was broken up with his girlfriend for 2 months. We hit it off and started seeing each other. At the time, social media wasn’t as big and we went to different high schools in different towns so I had no way of knowing if he really had broken up with her or not.
Well, we were together for four months before he left his cellphone at his gf’s house (having told me he was grounded the night before for smoking weed) and she answered when I called him to confirm our plans for that weekend.
Don’t worry, when the gf and I found out that he was playing both of us, we went scorched earth on him.
If someone tells you they’re separated or in the process of divorcing or breaking up…run for it. Not worth it.
I'm not sure I've ever heard someone called out on their behavior in such a loving, honest, and productive way. No character assassination, no shaming, no execution-style judgment.
Society has lost that unfortunately. The way majority of people respond now is what will cause many to stay silent and not get the help they need.
Women should start understanding that Separated is not Divorced. Don't start up with them until you see the Divorce papers finalized at the court house.
Yes!
FROM
Until you see finalized Divorce papers AND it's been 2 years ago. Dude needs to work on himself.
They're always finalized by a judge who's at the courthouse. That's the only way it's finalized..
@@aliciacarstensen7904I think the point was you don't want to just see divorce papers because divorce papers=/=finalized divorce.
I, personally, think it is unwise to start a relationship with a divorcee as well. I can understand to a degree if you are privy to the details and you know the other spouse was the one who filed and was the one who was unfaithful and stuff but if you are starting a relationship with someone who is divorced you are getting big baggage, bare minimum.
But know that if someone has divorce papers they can still reconcile and end divorce proceedings. I have seen it happen.
I can't believe she doesn't get it. Winning a cheater is not a win. She isn't the better woman.. he did it to his wife and he'll do it to her as well.
Quit trying to justify his behavior and his lies. Red flags everywhere
She is under his NPD spell.
She probably needed his share of the rent
A cheatet is 1.cruel if he will be cruel to 1 female he WILL BE CRUEL to you 2. A liar again lying to another female WILL lie to you sometime 3. Dangerous the risk of STI is very real and he has no qualms about spreading it around 4. No self control
She really doesn’t and you can tell when she speaks about him vs how she speaks of herself. Everyone wants there own “imaginary friend” all grown up 😂
Tbf she started the call asking how to disconnect and leave. I think she knows she needs out; just can't face the grief yet 🥲
If I ran the world, lying to a coworker about your marital status should be grounds for immediate termination.
You could say that consent was contingent upon them being single. If they lie, = rape.
Agreed!!
Why? If he is good at his job, why does one have to affect the other? I am just curious about your reasoning. She knew he was married.
@@LAGlowGirlSame here!!
@@solidice242 You are creating a hostile work environment, exactly the same as sexually harrassing someone.
When peoples words and actions don’t match. When they hide you.. run!
People are generally contradictory. That includes YOU. When actions match words then the person is boring and predictable.
@@byefelicia8632boring & predictable. 😂. no. when your words match your actions that makes you SAFE & DEPENDABLE. you’re a fucking spoiled attention junkie. everyone is nowadays. mistake your clownery for neurotypical human psychology 😂
"I knew this person was married..."
"I'm afraid I'll pass up on good things."
Girl, what a dumbass move to knowingly be in a relationship with a mess of a man.
Dump him. Take it as time served already.
Don't be the homewrecker. Don't be the sidepiece. You are far, far worth more than settling with a married guy.
I was hoping she meant "passing up on good things" that she was missing by wasting her time with a married man. But, probably not, since she didn't correct Dr Delony.
She has decided she is not worthy of better.
I can tell from her tone of voice and giggles that she has no intention of leaving.
@@kathieb6443that’s how I took it but now I’m not sure if she was talking about the married guy🤦🏾♀️
She has decided she is in fact not worth more than a married cheating man. She threw out her integrity to be a homewrecker.
Separated is still married!
Exactly and if an American man approaches just assume he's married because 99.9% of the time THEY ABSOLUTELY ARE!! 😂
This is what deep and thorough background checks are for, they could be saving you headaches later, even potential arguments
You don't want to get into an argument with someone claiming to be his wife because if you've never been married before and you've never seen a marriage license, you may find yourself telling her to prove it, let's see the marriage license
Ask for your own copy, go to the courthouse and validate it to see if it's even legit because documents can be falsified
Also take it to a lawyer who can verify it, because again, documents can be faked and falsified
If they can't give you a copy of the marriage license, that's a big red flag they're not really married
Good sign if they do give you a copy of what they say is the marriage license because then you can validate it to see if it's even legit
Do a deep and thorough background check on not just your potential date, but everyone of the opposite sex who's affiliated with that potential date to make sure they're not a spouse
Once you're sure they're not married, then you're free to do as you want
@@0annonymousso sad that this is modern dating
John is absolutely right, he is dragging her name through the dirt at home saying she is just no one and some weird chick that is always around at work. Only way possible for it to have gone on as long as it did.
Caller: You're going to have to get another job.
Or she'll talk to human resources about it.
@@Sam11747No, they arw never on your side. They can dismiss you to prevent potential problems.
It's always the best to leave quietly.
@@puclopuclik4108There is a good chance the married man was her boss or in a management position. All she has to do is claim hostile work environment and blowback from not continuing the relationship. If she said the right things on that secret audio recording, assuming it's not considered wiretapping in her state, good chance he'll be forced to leave and she could get a very good settlement out of it if she gets fired.
Agreed
@@puclopuclik4108 Or just write you off as a trouble-maker and someone who doesn't know how to be professional.
She is not leaving this guy any time soon, sorry.
Yea she is loving it. She wanted someone to tell her that it's OK to keep moving on with him, but she got the opposite and which makes her fantasies even more exciting for her
She is weak as hell. She hates herself.
The same you get them is how you will lose them. Good luck to her
And she’ll regret it sooner or later. I honestly think the wife shouldn’t stay with him either so she’ll definitely be doing her a favor
Are you the guy? 😅
She obviously doesn't have a problem with adultery. She's mostly just upset that he won't live with her after all.
Agreed. There were some other parts of the call that sounded very planned, which makes me question her motivations for doing it.
Maybe the guy doesn't want to be around his wife anymore but is scared to divorce her
@@firefly9838no excuse your a man 🧍♂️ get divorce
@@firefly9838 Possible. If that's the case, she still shouldn't be around him.
@@firefly9838then he would be honest with her, duh. If he’s lying to her and cheating then HE is the problem and she is his next victim. This is pretty basic.
When the divorce is COMPLETE, ma'am.
This comment is bumper sticker worthy
Not even then. If your guy cheated on his ex- then he’s likely to cheat on you.
Is this woman better than this? Not so sure. She knowingly dated a married man. Knowingly. Doesn’t seem like she holds much respect for the institution of marriage.
she didn't delete his contact at all. 100%
Cause she still want that pos
Totally 🤦🏾♀️
The problem with deleting their contact is they can reach out to you without their name attached to it. Then you start interacting realizing who it is at first. I first block that number, and then I delete the contact.
Narcissists will lie, cheat, steel and all the while, try their hardest to convince you they are not doing any of those things. Victim blaming is not the way to go, but at some point, people have to realize that Narcissists exist and to avoid them at all costs. Other people are nothing but tools to them. They lack real emotional connection and empathy. They will lie directly to your face, telling you that you are their soulmate, meanwhile saying the same thing to 10 other people. Save yourselves. 🙏🏼
I try to assume some positive intent. What if he is an abusive relationship that he is trying to get out. He communicates with a woman from work who he loves. Opportunity knocks but once.
@@no_regerts5176Except you obviously didn’t listen to the whole story…he lied to her for a YEAR about being divorced, and the she found out from his wife that she wasn’t the first or only person this man had cheated on his wife with. Come on…stop making excuses for serial adulterers. People need to MAKE CLEAN BREAKS from one relationship before starting another.
@@no_regerts5176 Even if he was in an abusive relationship, he could have let her know he wasn't going to date until the marriage was legally over. She also has equal responsibility not to date or continue to date a man she knows is legally married. If they're into each other, they can wait. There is lots of opportunity out there and people can also wait. That opportunity doesn't require you to partake in this behavior.
My ex boyfriend would text woman I’m a crazy stalker while offering me to start a family and have a baby 😭
@no_regerts5176 With married men NEVER assume positive intent. They are always lying and using. He is a grown man, if he wanted out he would have gotten out. He's probably so good at saying those sweet things because he has said them before verbatim to other women.
It’s come to my attention that about 75% of people who’ll approach you at work will indeed be married. I’ve had 3 men approach me around the building I work in only to find out they were in “unhappy relationships/marriages” it’s ridiculous. He’s solely accountable for starting this fire and leading her on. These greasy men need to be held accountable who use workplaces to have physical and or emotional affairs. She sounds like she’s acutely aware of the situation, but was hoping for something more, like a relationship, and I won’t fault her for that. BIG shame on him for putting her through that, that crap he put her through is inexcusable and embarrassing.
How do you know he started this fire? Even if that was the case, she has responsibility for saying no she won't date until the divorce is final. I've been married for 20 years, still am, and never cheated on my wife. I've had literal dozens of women over the years, some I've worked with, proposition me knowing I was married. Both the caller and the man she's interested in are equal trash, and I wouldn't be around either for anything if possible.
Many companies terminate or transfers employees who engage in office romance. Do you want to throw away your career for this creep
Happens to me all the time… married men!!! 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
I am not a big fan of going the HR route, but any married man who approaches you needs to be reported. Also, message his wife on social media if you can.
@@Sam11747dozens of women?
How do you move on?
1. Delete and block him on all social medias.
2. Block his emails.
3. Block and delete his phone number.
4. Stay away from his house and workplace
5. Change jobs and relocate if you have to.
They work at the same place.
@@Margie717 then she needs to leave that workplace.
She sounds utterly unbothered by the betrayal she participated in.
She didn't betray anyone. She didn't marry his wife. He did that. And she didn't know he was married until she was deep in a relationship with him. She bonded deep with this guy under false pretenses. That doesn't just go away magically when you've spent the past year in love planning your life and future with someone you think is the one. That's a lot to process and get over and will take a minute. People aren't robots.
@@thestorybehindthat5236 I said she participated in. Facilitated. Knowingly. She doesn't get a pass because she hooked up with an AH.
@@thestorybehindthat5236yes
@@ThePolypamit doesn't matter, it's not her betrayal, you can't seem to understand the difference.
So what happened to being a “girl’s girl?” Women pick and choose whatever delusion justifies their bad behavior. She knew they were separated which is STILL MARRIED. He probably made his wife look horrible, and she felt that she could be better than her. She knowingly participated.
She is in love with a man who doesn’t exist and never did. Been there before. She has to grieve him as if he died. Also don’t try to get closure from him, he’ll just use it as a way to keep you at arms length. Cut it off immediately and grieve him.
She's likely learned this the hard way 4 months later
The fact that she's not enraged mean she doesn't respect herself
^^^^ EXACTLY. Anger has its place.
I’ve been in this situation. Believed all the lies and sighs and blathers. It took me a while to move through the fog of lost souls to figure out that this man was the epitome of “the bar is on the floor”. I wanted better and deserved better. Said peace to the planet and never spoke to him again.
She still wants to be with him- if she never did it before- she in the cray cray zone. She just loves this dude
She also loves the drama of the relationship. Probably because it helps mask her own craziness.
Exactly. This is why and how 70% of women are in relationships, and only 30% of men.
How do you love someone you know is a murderer? How do you love someone you know is deliberately destroys his Family? That's what cheaters do. It's not Love. Love does not Destroy. If you understand Love wrong then that is something you have to look into. That is the confused state of mind that cheaters exploit.
Desperation!
Whenever a woman tells me her BF is separated, I always ask if their wife knows they’re separated
I get called an AH a lot of
Hahaha, yeah I've done that and gotten similar results.
I mean, you are an ass hole though
It’s amazing how many people think it does. Sad.
People only call you an AH if what you are saying is hitting too close to home.
Thank you for being that person.
I can almost guarantee that she didn't delete his contact
You are right. By what she said, she has no plans of leaving him.
She should BLOCK him
@Karen-jp1ns yes but I bet she was messaging him right after the call ended
When will people understand that separated is not the same as being divorced.
A simple perusal of your local county clerk online civil docket will quickly tell you wether someone filed for divorce or not! Save yourself some time and heartbreak
I didn’t know that was public! Great advice
I hear you, but while you're getting to know someone as a friend, you kind of trust and believe in them because there's no romance happening.
Step 1: "Hey, what date did you file for divorce? Because I checked the civil court database and didn't see a case in your name. I wonder how often they update the website."
Step 2: Watch color drain from cheater's face
@@denisesalles7248 that’s so true. If there was no romantic intention at first why wouldn’t she believe he is divorced? I think dr John is right and she’s not the first one. She would be the last if that wife of his had any self worth either
@@marissapisces Many pos guys do it over & over, their wives take them back, put up with it.
John's laugh at the very beginning. Priceless.
Very obnoxious
On purpose, dating someone’s spouse is more obnoxious
Dr. John Delony, I loved how you chuckled when you heard that this person was married...you knew where this was going! As psychologists, we know these type of relationships are trouble. I also loved your compassionate approach, as humans we are not perfect. Sometimes we know we are not doing the right thing, but knowing doesn´t always help. Therapy is the way to go and forgiving yourself Lucy. Hugs to all the people in difficult scenarios!
She enjoys the attention and excitement of this forbidden relationship. She’s just not ready to admit it
I've heard this story too many times now. "He said he was separated..." When are these women going to learn?
They won’t they’re desperate.
@@atk_1 women aren’t desperate. They understand that you don’t get a winner all to yourself, and they’d much rather share him than have an average guy that nobody else wants all to themselves
the next time you experience ur life lessons
Lol thats when you'll learn
Don’t sign leases, buy homes, rent, live with someone you are dating. Get married first
Not everyone wants to get married
You should only marry if you're ready to be an adult and understand what respect is. 😊
@@Confessions089children shouldn’t buy homes or sign leases
It's funny to me how everyone's life experience gives them such differing opinions because I would give the exact opposite advice.
Even with your husband, don't rush into merging bank accounts and buying home together. Watch them for a while, then do it. Always have your own money set aside
It's a Darn shame she can't see him for what he truly is. I know it's hard Luci but with each passing day the pain will ease.
Why would you even want him after all that???
I don’t get it. Men and woman are different I think. I, as a man, wouldn’t even talk to her after that. Just straight ghost her forever.
@@mrv2308 Yep, but a woman will often stay because once she starts sleeping with a man she has feelings for she gets really bonded to him. It's happened to me before. It's like your mind is telling you one thing, but you are physically incapable of separating. (Especially young women, she sounded young.)
@ that is an excuse to be a h**. Simple.
Even dating ACTUALLY separated people, they live in separate homes, kids are in shared custody, when its a new ( 1st year) its risky and not healthy. Few are fully available emotionally yet. I found 2x as a young widow trying to date, that young kids will tell their mommies they dont like Daddys new friend, and soon your new bf is " hiding you", or ending it because his ex and kids dont approve. So its better when they have set up a new life and have some balance.
My mom ALWAYS said, "The way a relationship begins is the way it'll end."💔
Been in similar situations. I wanted so badly to have the fairytale love story and because of my past trauma as a child, my history of the men I was attracting, I was my own worst self loathing enemy.
Hardest lesson?
I AM NOT THE EXCEPTION.
Pretty sure she’s going through all the red flags she chose to ignore and is berating herself for how someone as smart as she is can be so foolish.
My new immediate question when a man says he is divorced or separated is “DOES YOUR WIFE KNOW??” and every single time I have been 100% accurate that they were trying some funny business.
I know my value now.
I'm so grateful I'm at peace with myself. Im grateful not to be in a relationship 🙏🏾❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
cherish it! i’m telling you these days. more than ever.
Me too ❤❤🙏 took me a long time to get there because for so long I wanted a life partner and marriage...but finally made peace with being single and embracing it
My mother-in-law, back in the early 1960s, was dating a guy and they were talking about getting married and it was going great. When she realized she was pregnant, she told him, and he said “oh dear, we’ve got a problem“ she asked him what was wrong, and he said, “well, I’m still married.“ Not only was he still married but his wife was pregnant as well. Anyway, they moved to her hometown and told everyone that they were married except for her older sister. Two weeks after my husband was born, this man was killed in a car wreck. It turns out he was actually an alcoholic and from a horrible family, so I’m really relieved that he is not who raised my husband. His mom married a great guy when he was four years old, and he was the best Papa my kids could have ever had! I think that his real wife actually had a much better life with him out of the picture, from what I have now learned from some family members that we have connected with. It’s still just an awful story. (My mother-in-law was mortified that she had ever done any of that, but she was super young, and it was the 1960s, and her family was super religious.)
It is just life. We do not know the man who was killed so better not stigmatise him also saying he was an alcoholic.
My brother is adicted and he is my most precious person on a planet
Wow. That was very interesting. Thank you for sharing your history.
@@orianam9835 Actually, we later met his family and learned a lot about him. My MIL has now told us more about him. Things weren’t good. 😔
@@orianam9835well he cheated on his pregnant wife and then abandoned her. Not so precious
Lost him as a friend he was never a friend to that girl .He used her.A bad egg he is.
The biggest surprise is that his wife knows he is a cheater and still chooses to stay with him.
This is at leaast his 3rd mistress. gross.
If the wife actually knows, then it's not shocking.
Some women marry for reasons other than love and respect. They know what they're singing up for and look the other way. Men like him seek women like that to marry.
Some woman are stuck because of the $. Having grown up in poverty bcz my mom did leave when my dad started dating other woman. If you can't afford a lawyer you might not be able to get the child or spousal support you should. Hopefully the wife is planning an exit strategy.
@@Sam11747she cares abt the children. He does not
How to move on? Just stop the relationship. Period. He lied and mislead you. You're passing up on a cheater
Yes, this. She needs to end it & make a clean break
She knew early that he was still with his wife because she never came over and spent the weekend at his house. You liar.
That's exactly what I was thinking all this time you've been friends and dating and you've never been to his home where he lives with his wife
He probably told her to not call, text or drop by. He didn’t want his wife to find out. She pretended to be clueless and played along
True!!
@@martinjackson909100%
Zero chance. I moved in with a pathological liar and narcissist who was still in a relationship. I had no idea. Some of them are REALLY good.
She sounds so loving and caring ❤, hope you give that love to yourself Luci, you deserve It 💪🏻❤️
She's not going to stop messing with him. This will last a few days and once he goes on his apology tour and beg for her she will forgive him only to be hurt later
"Apology tour". Excellent!!!!!!
My current wife was in the middle of a divorce when we met. I told her finish the paper work and we can talk. Three kids and ten years later here we are.
Current wife😮.
Always room for more jk. Or just a bad typo or Freudian slip. Who knows. I love her and my kids more than anything. Read into it what you want.
I had something similar happen to me. A woman who I let myself fall for because she did so much for me. I let my guard down only to find out after knowing her for ~1 year and starting to date her that she had a long-term boyfriend. I went home and cried that night, and it took me a few few months to recover. If I had known she had someone else I would've never developed feeling for her or spent so much alone time with her.
And she laughs 🙄
Also she knew exactly what she was doing when she went to his house. She knew the wife was going to be there. She wanted the wife to know.
Right… then her joke “I wish I had you on snap all the time” haha what… not you flirting with another married man.
Only to find out he will definitely choose the wife and she is just a side job.
I think she said "I wish i had you on tap" lol but maybe i misheard. @genesisansbro4936
@@genesisansbro4936 i was at work and in a rush when i listened it and i thought i heard it wrong. The audacity!!! She has no shame.
Would be interesting to know the excuses he gave her for not inviting her to his house.
He didn’t lie to you though. You just threw your morals out the window. You signed a lease with someone and had never been to their house?
Yep.
Maybe because it was the family home his 'former' wife was keeping and it was inappropriate etc.
Crazy, I have dudes that try that, invite themselves to my house and Never offer their home , no way! Dates only until you show where u live.
@@EKL-qu7ihthat’s just as bad! No one should be dating someone who is still living with their ex
@@normantheforeman9866 that's assuming the caller has morals....
I’m always baffled by the amount of married men who hit on me.
I have never and will never date a married man. Not even interested in dating a divorced man depending upon the circumstances. People need to learn to follow through with their commitments.
Thank you for being this kind of woman. It so rare.
NEWSFLASH TO YALL, THIS WOMAN WAS ALREADY SCREWING A MARRIED MAN AND SIGNED A LEASE WITH HIM, SHE'S INVESTED AND SHE'S NOT LEAVING HIM!
This young lady is one of the most articulate and well spoken callers I’ve heard so far. I can’t remember a single stutter or “like like like”.
I am thoroughly impressed. I hope she gets all she deserves out of life and it’s not this guy.
John was really nice to her even though he doesn't respect the actions she took
He's a decent person, unlike many commenters under his videos.
I did what John is describing for 7yrs. I kept finding myself involved with alcoholic cheaters. I decided dating needed to wait til i liked myself enough to set boundaries. Im now married to an amazing guy that is honest and responsible when he drinks. It was worth all the work
It sounds like she is enjoying the drama and doesn’t want it to end
I thought this as well. If the drama ended, she wouldn't have this well meaning therapist telling her that she is "better than this" and a victim to be pitied.
Oh she loves hearing all the compliments- every time John said something she really took it in and thanked him. A person with low self worth would normally dismiss any positive feedback. She is trash.
That was great! Don’t breakup out of rage. Breakup because you’re worth better. You will feel so much better. ❤
You are worth more than this.... I hope she takes this to heart.
"We confronted him together", girl, I am so proud of you. I mean you and the other woman. You don't have to delete his number, just block him
4 billion other people to choose from and you go with the married guy? Doesnt make sense. Why? Why do people do this??
Because he’s a good looking, confident, desirable guy. Married men often are
@@martinjackson909 There arent single guys that fit that bill?
@@Vizion870Good looking, tall, successful men are rarely single. If they are, it’s because they have plenty of options and don’t have to marry to continue a fulfilling sex life.
Because women like drama and sabotage
Because a married man has already been vetted and vouched for by another eligible woman, and also because women want the men that other women already have. It’s a catty/jealousy thing.
Start looking for a new job, ASAP. And don't tell anybody. Preferably in a different state. Get your new job, move, cut your mutual contacts, and block him. You can't end this while you're still seeing him at work, or anywhere; or phoning, texting, etc.
Dayummmm John! He straight called her “a spineless lying coward” and rightfully so. I notice how loud the silence is after he put us the blame on her too & I know she can’t accept her part in this, this is why she’s calling in but she should have expected this response because it’s THE TRUTH.
When I was very young i had an older man convince me that he was divorcing his wife. Needless to say, the wife accepted our relationship and in fact she had her own relationship as well. It took them 7 years to actually divorce and then we broke up shortly after their divorce. Dating married people almost always is a waste of time and energy. Don’t worry, I’ve had my karma and so did he.
well when they date a married person it is usually because they dont want commitment, they dont have to worry about a marriage and struggle.....etc....they just want safety of some fun.
A liar makes you an accomplice.
Yep, the caller definitely needs to take full responsibility for this but she won't.
Oooooohhhh LOVE it when you find a new YT channel to hinge watch / listen 😁😁😁😁😁
Liza Minnelli had a line in a movie once that said eggs are separated. People are either married or they’re not.
Thank you for uplifting and helping women. You are one of the good ones Sir. I hope you are happy in your life. If you ever feel down then please remember what a blessing you have been to many.
Title is wrong - it should say: She KNEW he was married.
You need to start telling people that they’re idiots for ignoring red flags 🚩!
I think the caller is attracted to red flags and loves the dysfunction and drama.
💯 this!!!
You do understand that people are only receptive to information when they are not defensive from being insulted? Luckily Dr John does..
It takes two to tango but only one to say "NO"!
Married is married regardless of a separation.
So many women are setting themselves up for this, my heart goes out for them because it's a testimony of how little they value themselves and other women (the wives of these men).
I pray they get to the root of what drives them to perpetuate self destructive behaviors that hinders their growth and self worth.
I feel for this woman. Sometimes the heart wants what it wants and she thought he loved her the same way she loved him. Nobody deserves that
I know but come on, when a man says he’s divorcing his wife or in the process of it.. they 99% of the time aren’t. It’s sucks but some people are just liars
The more this lady talked the less I liked (& believed) her. And I get a little weary of the "self-worth" stuff. Have some morals, maybe the self-worth will follow.
"I feel for this woman. Sometimes the heart wants what it wants and she thought he loved her the same way she loved him. Nobody deserves that" - It was completely in her control to say no, she won't date a legally married man.
its not her responsibility to protect the feeling of a stranger. The man was available for her and she decided to proceed. You females are always blaming the women and not the man. He was the one who took vows not her @Sam11747
@@waterbear5248 - "its not her responsibility to protect the feeling of a stranger." It has nothing to do with protecting another person's feelings, but it's to protect her (the caller) from situations like these.
If a woman gets together with a man knowing he's got a trial pending then goes to prison,
"You females are always blaming the women and not the man." - I'm not a woman and I'm not blaming the woman. I'm blaming the situation a person go themselves in, which is entertaining the idea of pursuing a married individual. I would also consider it a major red flag for a legally married person to pursue anyone until the divorce finalizes.
"He was the one who took vows not her @Sam11747" - 100% in agreement with you, but she also knew he was legally married and continued the relationship. When someone doesn't want to wait for a person's legal separation to finish to finish dating, it's a serious red flag for either person.
John did a great job here.
Met a guy in my apartment complex who first claimed he was divorced. When we began dating, he changed his story and said he was going through a divorce. The story was believable because he lived separately a few miles away from his wife and teenage sons. Several months later, I learned that neither one of them actually filed for divorce - they were merely "separated." Then I learned they were still sleeping together. It finally occurred to me that they were not getting divorced at all; he just kept the apartment as a home office where he could "work" without the distractions of home. The proximity of my apartment from his made it impossible to get away from him - I knew I had to move. I eventually took a job and moved several thousand miles away, where I was finally able to cut him off. It was a difficult process, but I was so relieved to be rid of him.
hopefully you told his wife. how horrible.
Don’t sugarcoat this. It is adultery. So what, she feels bad. You will reap what you sow. She is laughing. How would she like to be the wife and another woman laughing saying I can’t let him go. Gee.
Yeah, she's really enjoying this.
The chuckles are not enjoyment.
People laugh sometimes when their loved ones dying cause neurotic system
Can’t regulate emotions at this point.
That’s not what the laughing is. It’s embarrassed laughing.
I had a similar experience, luckily I never met him in person and I'm grateful that he confessed that he was separated. They were 'separated' but still living together. I told him to call me when he was divorced with a capital D. I'm not dating anyone who is separated. He said 'well, that could take years.' Yeah, it could and good luck with that.
I know an enlisted woman who was dating an officer (against military code, but it happens). They planned to get married, and she’d get out of the military so they could stay together instead of both going to different countries. She got out, he then dumped her. He’d been married all along, she had no idea. He ended the whole thing entirely at her expense, because she was unemployed and heartbroken and he didn’t care. I don’t think his wife ever found out.
Holy cow, he let her tank her military career simply because it was a better strategy for protecting himself. That's sociopathic.
Thats horrific
Best Quote:
“ if I cannot be no. 1.
I will not be no. 2 !”
End it! End it immediately. Do not contact him or let him contact you outside of work. And look for new work. Move on. Never ever be involved with someone who lied about the most basic aspect at the foundation of your relationship.
I’ve never been personally touched by an affair, but I’ve still always had very strong feelings towards it. Something that never fails to strike me hearing the other woman’s story is how little they think about the wife. I genuinely don’t get it. Any remorse expressed is usually for self: feeling bad that SHE is hurting. It’s very rare to hear the other woman she’s tears over what she’s knowingly done to another woman.
LOL, love how John goes from counselor to the BFF hollering "Spill the tea, gurrrl!" in 0.000001 seconds!
Great advice Dr John, and hopefully this young woman will get more help spiritually as she does need it.
Oh God. Never get involved with a co-worker. Period. Trust me on that, please.
6:43 when you said you created a person in your imagination and backfilled it with that guy. That sent chills to my toes. OMG
John you are reallllllly good at this. I wish I could talk to you😊
😂 when a guy says says he's "separated" get the ID check to see if he's actually divorced.... If not: byez
No need. When he tells you that he is separated, he is clearly and truthfully telling you that he is still married and not living together but not divorced.
@DaniiDaniii8 " when a guy says says he's "separated" get the ID check to see if he's actually divorced.... If not: byez" - Or you just end the relationship right when you find out.
@@denisefinney8459 you're right girl!!!! My bad 😮✌️
How the hell are you gonna check the ID of someone you get met?
@@firefly9838 plus marital status is not on your id
That's why I never date with any one I work with. I do not date married, seperated, it is complicated. Only divorced or widowed but there needs to to have some time passed. Give them time to work through the drama of it. I've been divorced since 2013 and it took me until 2018 to get into a serious relationship and I caught him cheating in 2020 . I've been single since.
Why do people do this to themselves? Why can’t you just wait until the divorce is final? Separated means they are STILL MARRIED!
So... why is the caller calling? She needs what, exactly? To be told that she needs to do what?