I think that people have short memories. This is one of the traps or tricks narcissists use again and again. Dr. Ramani is trying to advise you to at least trust your gut.
This is real. I was showing my narcissistic father love and care because I didn’t want him to die alone. All my other siblings have long since cut him off and I felt it was my responsibility….I finally stood up to him and “rocked the boat” he discarded me so fast and said all those years of me showing love and care and keeping our relationship close was “pretending” and ‘I should have left years ago if I was so unhappy’ so it meant nothing in his eyes. Anyone reading this, leave NOW. Or like yesterday
Oh I feel you! Last year, I started bleeding outside of my monthly cycle and it went on for weeks and months. I had every test imaginable and eventually the doctor told me it was just stress. I came home triumphant, knowing it was not cancer but “just” stress and thought my boyfriend would be triumphant too that I was ok - nope, he exploded with rage. “YOUR JOB IS KILLING YOU, I’VE TOLD YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT YOU NEED TO QUIT, YOU'VE DONE THIS TO YOURSELF…” That was the lightbulb moment that told me the stress wasn’t from my job, which has been keeping me sane this whole time. It was him. Listen to your body, the clues are always there, you just need to piece them together. Xxx Ps. We broke up a week ago!
You have to sacrifice your personality, your hobbies and passions, your time, your money, your friends…. All to cater to the narc. Nobody is worth all that.
I'm glad you made this video, I can recall when i was homeless and faced with many things in Life until $75,000 biweekly began rolling in and my Life went from A homeless nobody to a different person with good things to offer!!!!!! ✝️❤️
Trying to make it work in a narcissistic relationship is believing you can jump out of a plane without a parachute and surviving. "JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD".
Yep. They lie when the truth would sound better. When there was drama going on in our household, people would ask me what happened. I would always preface it with "Well . . . the story that I got was . . "
Literally. I didnt know my father was a compulsive liar until recently, which really shocked me, but made all to much sense. It’s so scary how anyone can do that & keep a straight face too!!
Wow. The only way I "made it work" was to resign myself to the fact that I could rely only on myself. It was lonely and horrible. The anxiety I felt for long periods of time was just terrible. I observed other married couples work as a team and thought it would be so cool to have that. I am so glad that chapter of my life is now over!
It is soooo exhausting. I am saving up to leave my abusive, narcissistic spouse, but even knowing the suffering will eventually end, I am extremely sick and tired.
Exactly! I thought I could just continue on and cope. Turns out it eroded my soul to the point where I despised myself as well as him. I couldn’t believe I allowed myself to be treated so poorly, and that I was willing to sacrifice my entire being after he made me feel completely worthless, and blamed me for everything. I couldn’t just continue because it progressively got worse. The threats, intimidation, manipulation, emotional blackmail, lies, gaslighting, his total lack of accountability and integrity, was all too much to bear. 😩
I had been trying to “make it work” and, with the help of a therapist, I had been trying to be better at calmly but vocally setting boundaries and voicing how the bad behaviour made me feel and what I would like to see for him to make amends/show accountability. Whaddyaknow, it had no effect whatsoever. Long story short, we broke up a week ago (an aside: I did try to end it two weeks previously but I got the pro-forma narc “Your problem is you’re just too sensitive” spiel so I had to formulate a different tack for him to let me go cleanly). I wish I could say I’m euphoric and feel so free - maybe that feeling will come but I have honestly ridden the waves of every single emotion possible this past week. My body has experienced physical pain that has no physiological explanation. I’m stressed, I’m tired to my very soul. I’m happy but I’m sad. I can’t remember a single thing because my short-term memory is shot. But it is the darndest thing - underpinning it all is the quiet knowledge that I have done the right thing and that, in time, I will get the rewards. I really struggle with the knowledge that I let him get away with so much for so long and I know I will never have closure because I had to give him a slightly fictionalised “PR version” of my reasons for leaving, just so I could get away without issue. But I know the release will come at some point. I write all this for anyone going through the same thing. Sit with the discomfort, it can only last for so long. Better things are coming xxx
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Listening to you feels “like home”❤ I want to meet you one day and give you a hug Dr. Ramani ❤ You are like a mom, thank you so much, I am so grateful that world has Dr. Ramani 🙏
Narcissists leave me with very little to fight for only to get out and far away from them. Even the "supply" they provide isn't worth compromising your worth, dignity, and sanity for. You'll only get a mirage of what they promise you with. You don't need them at all for anything
When I was so depleted from arguing, being hurt, disrespected, devalued, etc...he would say, " Take what you can get!" Thank God, I am no longer with him! I am living a narc free life now and much happier! ❤
A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white..
I left a week ago and am scared to death that I will forget how bad it was and remember only the good. I’m frantically writing everything down so that I can refer back to it. I’m soon to move back in with my mum, who knows some of the back story of what he has been like but still thinks he’s brilliant. And all my extended family are still under the illusion that he is an angel. So basically I am moving into an echo chamber of people who I fear will try to tell me he is an angel and that I should get back with him. I will only be there for 3 weeks so I am very lucky in that regard, but at such a sensitive time I worry that all this will sway my resolve or at least change how I look back on the relationship. But I can’t unexperience what I experienced and I can’t unfeel how I felt for all those years, so I will try to sit firm in that knowledge. All my love to survivors of this and unending kudos to Dr Ramani for broadening our understanding of this personality type xxxx
Stay strong, dude. I haven't had the courage to leave yet and I really look up to you for doing it. If you think about going back, just remember it's not going to get any better or it would have already. 😢
@@amyjane6257 Thank you! I just moved in with my mum and good news - turns out I needn’t have worried about my mum and family not “believing” me or being resistant. Having been in a relationship with a narc for so long, I totally forgot that people who REALLY love you unconditionally will believe you and validate you no matter what! My mum was so patient and accepting when we sat down last night and I explained some of the things I’d been hiding. So I am feeling quite secure in my choice to leave rn (hope it lasts!) You can do it too! I don’t think I could have done so if I hadn’t listened to Dr Ramani’s book ‘It’s Not You’ - in secret - on Audible. I found it very accurate to my experiences and the advice is so good. It gave my brain the “reset” it needed. I also don’t think I could have left, had I not had a meet-up with some of my oldest friends from whom I’ve been isolated - I suddenly remembered the “old” me and the emotions were overwhelming, I was crying hysterically. I decided I wanted the “old” me back and that decision was final. Try and spend time with old friends if you are able. Lastly (and sorry for the essay but I’m really hoping this will help) my narc did not let me go when I tried to tell him all the ways he had systematically hurt me and kept me living in confusion. But he DID let me go when I said: “I need to work on myself, I’m not bringing my best self to this relationship, you deserve better…” It was a little PR spin on the truth, but I realised he would NEVER accept that he was the bad guy - I had to put myself on the back foot and shift the blame to me (ironically!) I may never have closure because he will never understand what he did, but - meh. Better things are coming - and for you too! All the very very very best of luck. You owe it to yourself to at least give it a shot if you think a fuller, happier, easier life is possible. Lots of love xxx
Thank you!! I also fell into this trap. You get used to narcisstistic behaviour very quickly so that other people have to tell you, that their behaviour is not ok at all.
Amen! And too many religious/spiritual traditions, as well as societal gender rules, tell us otherwise. Those same people will pathologize you as "codependent" when you do get out. Screw that. Life is short. Thanks Dr. R!
So Brilliant. You've stated this principle in different ways such as there is no abuse-free narcissistic relationship; but sometimes the direct approach works-. Just because you CAN "make it work" with a Narcissist, doesn't mean you should. "Don't overextend YOU to make some sort of flimsy relationship with these people work out."
Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for making these videos. It is how I was able to get myself ready to leave . I watched your videos for a couple years straight and took your advices and saw the narcisist for who he really was. God bless you Dr Ramani for all your kindness and for your advices and love for what you do!!❤💜🩵
I'm starting to realize that maybe I didn't do anything wrong. I just held out hope for someone who didn't deserve it at a time when I was vulnerable. I thought I could turn to my father in a time of need but that was when I unfortunately saw who he really was. I just wish I got away from him sooner. I still feel sorry for him maybe because he played the victim ever since I can remember but I'm out now and looking back seeing the truth.
For sure, I won't There are limits to my patience, compassion, sympathy and empathy and even pity.....and there is very little time for me left on face of Earth since I'm 64 already.....
Spot on dr Ramani, so very true. Just because we can, doesn’t mean we should! And I think we should have nothing to do with narcissists if we discern somebody as one!
It is unhealthy. I have to treat a person and their entire family as unimportant. I can't trust your words, your advice, your thoughts... I have to completely disregard you. It's soul-sucking but it makes things work for now. The narcissist forces you into some type of behavior you consider disrespectful or disingenuous to maintain peace.
Making it work with a malignant narcissist is absolutely impossible after devaluation. He is hellbent on harming me, and going no contact still does not free me from the smear campaign and flying monkeys.
Hello, how do you achieve such biweekly returns? As a single parent i haven't been able to get my own house due to financial struggles, but my faith in God remains strong.
I raised 75k and Christina Ann Tucker is to be thanked. I got my self my dream car 🚗 just last weekend, My journey with her started after my best friend came back from New York and saw me suffering in dept then told me about her and how to change my life through her. Christina A. Tucker is the kind of person one needs in his or her life! I got a home, a good wife, and a beautiful daughter. Note: this is not a promotion but me trying to make a point that no matter what happens, always have faith and keep living!
So I'm left with my narcissistic mum...my dad and sister have gone. My mum is laughing and joking like my dead sister never existed..she's only been gone 2 months. I'm far distant from my mum...I feel bad but I can't see her anymore she's too fake and cruel to be near. It's tricky being left with an old narcissist. My mums last words to my dying sister was this.. you are going to hell.....and my sister was the golden child ...I can't stand my mum anymore.
Thank you for this wonderful reminder of how not to fall in the same trap. The harm is too much , to put myself in through of this , n run run. Stay away from them
Very Nice Dr. Ramani. I appreciate this information and the research that was considered in order to make this video. This information is new to me. This video was very helpful. Thank you.
I think a lot about the metaphor of "the toaster" to describe how narcissistic people see other people. You have a particular function for them and if you're not doing it, you're no longer useful. That metaphor is accurate but hard to accept about someone who has administered care to you for years, such as a parent or spouse. In that case, I like the "livestock" metaphor. The farmer doesn't feed and groom those animals so they can just leave. He has a future use in mind. When you're tempted to back, remember that they were never "caring" for you in the first place. It was preparation for exploitation at best, destruction at worst
During shut down was when I was really able to study the narc.. DR Ramani and others. I’d prefer not to deal with a narcissist! But narcs influence still rules my family even in death. No way around it ! Narcs lie etc. I can’t form any kind of real relationship with one. I just hang with them in the kitty part of the pool. About 3 feet ..
It's very difficult to come out of a narcissistic relationship. I pray that everyone ( including myself ) will heal soon. Everytime we feel stuck and feel like going back to them let's think of the time we gave them another chance only to regret it later. Let's keep ourselves strong and gather ourselves together. Let's Heal, Grow and Glow ❤
So glad that you made this video, it is so good with all of it's content, because it was a reminder of me, NOT to go back to the relationship, BECAUSE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, IS SO TRUE, I can feel this in my and with my heart. IT'S A BIG WARNING, not to go back and stay away AND TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF !
I think that is a very universal comment. Just because the narc can drag you through court in divorce. The narc can use the justice system as a weapon is something they can do. Perhaps, in this country where people can wiggle out of paying taxes. Where employers can abuse their employees. It’s time for us to have a really ask ourselves at what point doing what we can do will have consequences too. I do believe that some point a place where morally is part of our justice system do.
That’s one of my favorite sayings. I often tell myself this when I want to hit a high note while casually singing 🎶….I remind myself…Just because you can hit it, doesn’t mean you should 🎶……other people DON’T want to hear it. 🤣
I would like to request a broader scale series regarding the characteristics of Narcissistic personality as it applies to the inclusion of these traits as a technique into the world. There is a huge effort to control the lives of everyone on the planet from governments to individual relationships. The concepts with the framework of narcissism has gone viral. Gaslighting is used daily in political settings and now at the Olympics. I see it trained with all levels of law enforcement and intelligence. I see it in the courtrooms. I see it used by anti Christian movements. Disregarding and changing your perspectives has become an extraordinary effort. It is difficult to manage interaction with any authority who Gaslights and bullies you.
It's horrible to watch your friends trying to make, had learned how they can work it with their narcissist. Maybe it's not as bad if you never experienced the abuse, but for those who have experienced it and healed from it, or are working on it it's just too hard. At this point I am slowly coming to terms with those I care about will not leave their narcs. They are giving them so many excuses. Hell, they even pride themselves on this. I literally heard a friend say:" We work because he is ruthless, but I can take it. This is what love is. " Near the end of the video was beneficial as I will have to navigate such individuals in the future.
I make it work too, by #nocontact #block #delete . Now that i have exited the npd cycle of abuse, I can not give them another chance to finish what they started. #neveragain
My dad, older sister, and now my husband. It is very much taking it's toll. That's for sure. My husband passed away 9 years ago and I eventually remarried. My health went straight down. It has only been in the last year that I finally understood what I had dealt with in childhood. And also what was going on in the last 7 1/2 years with my present husband. I never knew what passive aggressive, covert narcissism, trauma bonded even meant! Boy do I ever know now. I feel like I am 90 years old. And I am not. :) lol Working on changing things now.
Leaving can be so much harder. But the moments of utter peace I get make it worth it. I'm not sure my family would say the same because they all became victims of the narcissist. It's been a long 24 years...
Haha, for all my painful four decades of life ive never been able to make it work with narcs. Not a single one of them. But i know people who have been able, yes.
It isn’t just narcissists. Once you have a reputation as a people pleaser, otherwise normal people will assume you will drop everything and do anything because you are “nice”. They will guilt you. Recently my old job wanted me to do some work for them, at no pay, assuming that I would because I’m “nice”. I said no. Maybe I am finally starting to heal.
I can handle house chores on my own, but I'm frustrated with our unequal contributions. I work full-time while he doesn’t, and I'm leaving because I'm burned out. I refuse to be his caregiver. He thinks I don’t communicate well, but I’ve repeatedly expressed my needs and preferences, and he never listened.
Yes It takes a toll on you I'm in recovery from a narcissist friend , but the good news is I don't visit or take her calls now I'm on the mend these podcast have been a real lifelone
Instead of doing the (sometimes) extremely difficult work of making a marriage work, dig for reasons to label them a narcissist. Marriage is work, folks. After 36 years my spouse and I know. In a world where everyone who makes you mad is a narcissist, be patient, be kind, hang in there, marriage counseling, work on it. It’s worth it.
I think after years of not understanding narcissism and overlooking patterns and red flags, that once I did begin to learn, the writing was in the wall. The math was, “I cannot help either of you (mother and sister) and I can only be hurt by complying without you.” Case closed. I know and am really sad and angry, that I know leaving isn’t an option, for everyone, even if it’s become of enmeshment only. But, I knew I had to get out of there, before I became as capable of hurting my family, as much or more, than they wanted to hurt me. But, for me, I knew I did not deserve what I was experiencing and it didn’t matter, that it was coming from family. Although only two, it very much felt like a pack of wolves and I wasn’t sticking around, for the next episode. I think people can end up sticking to some substandard idea that, “Well, they only disrespect or abuse me a bit.” And a lot of these ideas also come from your peers, family, etc. It reminds me of a meme I picked up, the other day. “The number one reason people fail in life is because they listen to their friends, family and neighbors.” Most people don’t want you to rise above “their” standards or the standards that make your life work - for them. While it sounds strange and even evil, that those standards may include abuse, they just might. It is actually quite easy to normalize things and you may even be unconsciously afraid of violating those standards, by doing something about your situation, instead of accepting what they have, often, for themselves and for you. It is actually like a cult, as far as I’m concerned and, perhaps, people don’t just have a hard time escaping them, when they are indoctrinated into what’s going on, but when they don’t have the discernment to even know it’s a cult, in the first place.
I’m still hearing and still catching myself wanting to help my ex. Then I catch myself and say why are willing to help when he doesn’t even care all he is worrying about is about himself.
I'm having to co-parent with a narcissist who absolutely WILL NOT leave me alone. We have been to court-ordered mediation after he made ridiculous claims about my then partner and sent all of us through a circus of court dates, DCF inspections, and therapy sessions (all of which proved that his claims were baseless). At mediation it was agreed that he is not to talk to me in any way about getting back together or about my relationships. Communication is to only be about our daughters immediate needs. Does that stop him from texting me EVERY DAY about how much he wants me and bashing me and my current relationship? NO. But I literally don't know what to do. I know that as soon as I file a restraining order or turn him in for violating mediation that he is going to unleash a whirlwind of unnecessary drama and our child will be stuck in the middle of. I tolerate this crap for her, but I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Thank you for making me a cautionary tale. I hope you profit from this and I hope talking about my situation helps you to heal from the narcissistic betrayals you have experienced in your life. You are a little off-base on what you think my my plans are and what my boundaries are. But, I hope that in making predictions whether they come to pass or not, you start to question whether your message causes any form of harm to your audience/followers, small or not. I am more worried about your message causing rifts with parents than with romantic partners.
Exactly, now that we know that they fake emotional ties to exploit people, including their own children!!... Who on hell wants to live a matrix, a fake relation ,a role-play with a child trapped in an adult body? It's almost like being a pedophile!!.
I’ve had it to where it was a friend’s boyfriend on multiple occasions. That’s why I don’t like to be around couples unless I know them both well. The boyfriends will turn your own friend on you. It’s wild. Makes me thankful to be single.
God bless you Dr. Ramani!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ It really really looks like it isn't me (I've been analyzing this stuff almost all my life, especially after I've read "People of The Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck (RIP 🙏) which I've read almost 20 years ago). I really hope I get to meet you one day and tell you everything Dr Ramani! ❤️❤️❤️ I don't think I am anything bad actually, I'm very strong but not something bad, I'm not even an avoidant dismissive I don't think. 🙏❤️❤️
I’ve tried for 27 years to make it work… I’m not perfect but I have tried. I have two adult children with this person and a ten year old. I need to find a out and be a better example for my younger but don’t know how.
I have made it "work" with my trusty toolbox for a couple years. But after watching the recent female self-defense trial I feel I lost years of therapy.
I so needed to hear this today. I've been struggling with the narc in my life. I finally got away from him 7 months ago and yet I ruminate all day every day. He just started reaching out again and my first thought is oh hell no and then I start thinking about the poor guy, he is so alone, depressed. I'm a Christian should I forgive and forget like he asks me to? I think I want better for myself and then think am I really any better? I gave issues/faults too. And it just goes back and forth: love/hate, ignore/tolerate, appease/forget, hinder/help. I drive myself nuts. This is the first narc I've ever met and sometimes my brain is just numb after everything that happened. sometimes I wish it would just stay numb. I wish there was a pill to stop ruminating.
My counselor couldn't believe I didn't want to date anymore. I stopped years ago and had men asking me out but I couldn't do it again. I tried and most of my dates liked me. I came to a conclusion that I'm a happy cat lady and don't need anyone. I would rather put my time energy into my grown son and my 2 cats.
I know if I were to go back to my narcissist, make amends and try to work with them, with my age and disability, I know I cannot. How many second chances should I give someone who has hurt me too many times? If I did do so then I would definitely earn the label of masochist. Who needs labels? They're so boring!
If you are or have been a person who watches the abuse, one day the abused may blame you for them enduring the abuse. I'm just venting, but has that happened to anyone else?
Even if you do manage to make it work with a narcissist, they will soon show you every reason why you just made a BIG mistake by trying to.
I think that people have short memories. This is one of the traps or tricks narcissists use again and again. Dr. Ramani is trying to advise you to at least trust your gut.
This is real. I was showing my narcissistic father love and care because I didn’t want him to die alone. All my other siblings have long since cut him off and I felt it was my responsibility….I finally stood up to him and “rocked the boat” he discarded me so fast and said all those years of me showing love and care and keeping our relationship close was “pretending” and ‘I should have left years ago if I was so unhappy’ so it meant nothing in his eyes. Anyone reading this, leave NOW. Or like yesterday
Making it work is not our job. I'm just taking care of my health and my unexplainable body pains I get due to excess anxiety.
Exactly
Indeed sis
Oh I feel you! Last year, I started bleeding outside of my monthly cycle and it went on for weeks and months. I had every test imaginable and eventually the doctor told me it was just stress. I came home triumphant, knowing it was not cancer but “just” stress and thought my boyfriend would be triumphant too that I was ok - nope, he exploded with rage. “YOUR JOB IS KILLING YOU, I’VE TOLD YOU TIME AND TIME AGAIN THAT YOU NEED TO QUIT, YOU'VE DONE THIS TO YOURSELF…” That was the lightbulb moment that told me the stress wasn’t from my job, which has been keeping me sane this whole time. It was him. Listen to your body, the clues are always there, you just need to piece them together. Xxx
Ps. We broke up a week ago!
💯✅👍🙏🙏
I no longer clean up messes they create. I just let them stay in chaos and walk away. 🚶♂💨💨
❤
You have to sacrifice your personality, your hobbies and passions, your time, your money, your friends…. All to cater to the narc. Nobody is worth all that.
Reason I'm not in a relationship or interested in being in one at all.
"Making it work" with a narcissistic life partner is also how you get all those seriously traumatized children of narcissists.
Or one of your children becomes a narcissist!
I'm glad you made this video, I can recall when i was homeless and faced with many things in Life until $75,000 biweekly began rolling in and my Life went from A homeless nobody to a different person with good things to offer!!!!!! ✝️❤️
Jesus is the Truth, maaan. You trippin
@@timothyronald4410and yes Bro ! JESUS IS THE TRUTH
❤I thank you kindly. Blessings....
I'm inspired.
Please spill some sugar about the biweekly stuff you mentioned
Christina Ann Tucker I really appreciate her efforts and transparency.
I agree. RUN. Run fast, run far and NEVER look back.
You ain't never lied!
Trying to make it work in a narcissistic relationship is believing you can jump out of a plane without a parachute and surviving. "JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN, DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD".
Lol great analogy
Hahaha made me laugh there’s no danger
The compulsive lying. I can't believe anything he says. Crazy making! Thank you Dr. RAMANI❤
Yep. They lie when the truth would sound better. When there was drama going on in our household, people would ask me what happened. I would always preface it with "Well . . . the story that I got was . . "
Literally. I didnt know my father was a compulsive liar until recently, which really shocked me, but made all to much sense. It’s so scary how anyone can do that & keep a straight face too!!
Wow. The only way I "made it work" was to resign myself to the fact that I could rely only on myself. It was lonely and horrible. The anxiety I felt for long periods of time was just terrible. I observed other married couples work as a team and thought it would be so cool to have that. I am so glad that chapter of my life is now over!
So true about feeling alone while making it work. Guess it's not REALLY working. 😢
Relying on yourself is something to be proud of
"Making it Work" is like condemning yourself to purgatory forever.
Most of us will do it, but we can't take it forever. It's a personal decision.
That was well said. Thank you.
It is soooo exhausting. I am saving up to leave my abusive, narcissistic spouse, but even knowing the suffering will eventually end, I am extremely sick and tired.
Exactly! I thought I could just continue on and cope. Turns out it eroded my soul to the point where I despised myself as well as him. I couldn’t believe I allowed myself to be treated so poorly, and that I was willing to sacrifice my entire being after he made me feel completely worthless, and blamed me for everything. I couldn’t just continue because it progressively got worse. The threats, intimidation, manipulation, emotional blackmail, lies, gaslighting, his total lack of accountability and integrity, was all too much to bear. 😩
I had been trying to “make it work” and, with the help of a therapist, I had been trying to be better at calmly but vocally setting boundaries and voicing how the bad behaviour made me feel and what I would like to see for him to make amends/show accountability. Whaddyaknow, it had no effect whatsoever. Long story short, we broke up a week ago (an aside: I did try to end it two weeks previously but I got the pro-forma narc “Your problem is you’re just too sensitive” spiel so I had to formulate a different tack for him to let me go cleanly). I wish I could say I’m euphoric and feel so free - maybe that feeling will come but I have honestly ridden the waves of every single emotion possible this past week. My body has experienced physical pain that has no physiological explanation. I’m stressed, I’m tired to my very soul. I’m happy but I’m sad. I can’t remember a single thing because my short-term memory is shot. But it is the darndest thing - underpinning it all is the quiet knowledge that I have done the right thing and that, in time, I will get the rewards. I really struggle with the knowledge that I let him get away with so much for so long and I know I will never have closure because I had to give him a slightly fictionalised “PR version” of my reasons for leaving, just so I could get away without issue. But I know the release will come at some point. I write all this for anyone going through the same thing. Sit with the discomfort, it can only last for so long. Better things are coming xxx
Yes, I agree. Why would I want to be involved with a person who constantly disrespects me and is disagreeable no matter at? Why? Why? Why?
.
Making it work is not sustainable but can be used as a stopgap until your exit strategy is realized.
Being with my ex narc for the past 8 yrs. made me observe this very pattern. I think they wanted to feel very important in a way that is disturbing. Instead of building trust with their intimate partners, they destroy the trust that they built with you (in that case lying when they tried to put you in their pedestal). Once they have a committed partner, they can’t stand being loved authentically by one person. Instead they go on and prey on other women that is susceptible to their love bombing. My ex narc was a compulsive pursuer in a relationship. He would go back and forth to the women he were involved before or try to meet women in complicated situation so that going public isn’t an option while having you as their main supply. In the end they destroy the very person that loved them. They are like toddlers testing your love for them. Showing and telling them you love them isn’t enough, they will cheat on your face to make you feel inadequate even if you are more than they deserve. They want to test your love for them so they keep hurting you and when you have enough of their abuse, you leave. Then they tell you, ‘you never loved me because you abandon me’. Well in fact it’s their actions and narcissistic behavior that made you leave or in other cases they discard you and will give silly reasons of the discard. Mine would use, ‘she’s crazy’, ‘she’s a nega-star’, ‘she insults me’, ‘she cheated on me’ et al. So with this pattern of infidelities and emotional abuse (who knows what else) it’s better to walk away. I did walk away and is now rebuilding my life with our daughter. We are struggling financially because I’m not earning enough to provide for my daughter but now we get to laugh and bring with us sunshine every day. No lies, no abuse and no fake love. We only live once, forgive yourself and move forward but never forget the lesson that narc abuse taught you. That is to respect yourself to walk away from what’s hurting and destroying you. That you deserve a life of solitude, happiness and love. Hugs*** :) Additionally I got to know about my narc husband bad ways when I reach out to a private detective digitalinvestigate@gmail.com for help he did a perfect work for me I can see everything he’s doing on his device.
Listening to you feels “like home”❤ I want to meet you one day and give you a hug Dr. Ramani ❤ You are like a mom, thank you so much, I am so grateful that world has Dr. Ramani 🙏
She is like the older sister I always wished I'd had!
Agreed! ❤🩹
Narcissists leave me with very little to fight for only to get out and far away from them. Even the "supply" they provide isn't worth compromising your worth, dignity, and sanity for. You'll only get a mirage of what they promise you with. You don't need them at all for anything
7 weeks out, totally agree.
I don't trust anyone. One, twice, thrice...done. I am very careful. Anyone can be toxic.
Thank You, Dr. Ramani. You are such a blessing. May God bless you and keep you, and your family.🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾💜
When I was so depleted from arguing, being hurt, disrespected, devalued, etc...he would say, " Take what you can get!"
Thank God, I am no longer with him! I am living a narc free life now and much happier! ❤
A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white..
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You wont regret it
It takes two to compromise.
I left a week ago and am scared to death that I will forget how bad it was and remember only the good. I’m frantically writing everything down so that I can refer back to it. I’m soon to move back in with my mum, who knows some of the back story of what he has been like but still thinks he’s brilliant. And all my extended family are still under the illusion that he is an angel. So basically I am moving into an echo chamber of people who I fear will try to tell me he is an angel and that I should get back with him. I will only be there for 3 weeks so I am very lucky in that regard, but at such a sensitive time I worry that all this will sway my resolve or at least change how I look back on the relationship. But I can’t unexperience what I experienced and I can’t unfeel how I felt for all those years, so I will try to sit firm in that knowledge. All my love to survivors of this and unending kudos to Dr Ramani for broadening our understanding of this personality type xxxx
Stay strong, dude. I haven't had the courage to leave yet and I really look up to you for doing it. If you think about going back, just remember it's not going to get any better or it would have already. 😢
@@amyjane6257 Thank you! I just moved in with my mum and good news - turns out I needn’t have worried about my mum and family not “believing” me or being resistant. Having been in a relationship with a narc for so long, I totally forgot that people who REALLY love you unconditionally will believe you and validate you no matter what! My mum was so patient and accepting when we sat down last night and I explained some of the things I’d been hiding. So I am feeling quite secure in my choice to leave rn (hope it lasts!) You can do it too! I don’t think I could have done so if I hadn’t listened to Dr Ramani’s book ‘It’s Not You’ - in secret - on Audible. I found it very accurate to my experiences and the advice is so good. It gave my brain the “reset” it needed. I also don’t think I could have left, had I not had a meet-up with some of my oldest friends from whom I’ve been isolated - I suddenly remembered the “old” me and the emotions were overwhelming, I was crying hysterically. I decided I wanted the “old” me back and that decision was final. Try and spend time with old friends if you are able. Lastly (and sorry for the essay but I’m really hoping this will help) my narc did not let me go when I tried to tell him all the ways he had systematically hurt me and kept me living in confusion. But he DID let me go when I said: “I need to work on myself, I’m not bringing my best self to this relationship, you deserve better…” It was a little PR spin on the truth, but I realised he would NEVER accept that he was the bad guy - I had to put myself on the back foot and shift the blame to me (ironically!) I may never have closure because he will never understand what he did, but - meh. Better things are coming - and for you too! All the very very very best of luck. You owe it to yourself to at least give it a shot if you think a fuller, happier, easier life is possible. Lots of love xxx
Never sacrifice your SELF for other people. There's a soul in you literally dying to hang on.
‘Don’t overextend you’, I love it! Focusing on the many things I can do that are good for me. Taking myself back, thank you Dr Ramani ❤
Vortex. That the exact picture of emotional spiraling down I feel when dealing with the narc and exactly why I had to go no contact.
Thank you!! I also fell into this trap. You get used to narcisstistic behaviour very quickly so that other people have to tell you, that their behaviour is not ok at all.
Amen! And too many religious/spiritual traditions, as well as societal gender rules, tell us otherwise. Those same people will pathologize you as "codependent" when you do get out. Screw that. Life is short. Thanks Dr. R!
So Brilliant. You've stated this principle in different ways such as there is no abuse-free narcissistic relationship; but sometimes the direct approach works-. Just because you CAN "make it work" with a Narcissist, doesn't mean you should. "Don't overextend YOU to make some sort of flimsy relationship with these people work out."
Dr. Ramani, thank you so much for making these videos. It is how I was able to get myself ready to leave . I watched your videos for a couple years straight and took your advices and saw the narcisist for who he really was. God bless you Dr Ramani for all your kindness and for your advices and love for what you do!!❤💜🩵
'You can't be your authentic self', exactly how I feel but couldn't put into words, TY
"We are not living in a narcissism INFORMED world" 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Thank you ! This is meeting me where I am now.
me too.
I always say “remember how it was - not how you wish it had been.”
I'm starting to realize that maybe I didn't do anything wrong. I just held out hope for someone who didn't deserve it at a time when I was vulnerable. I thought I could turn to my father in a time of need but that was when I unfortunately saw who he really was. I just wish I got away from him sooner. I still feel sorry for him maybe because he played the victim ever since I can remember but I'm out now and looking back seeing the truth.
For sure, I won't
There are limits to my patience, compassion, sympathy and empathy and even pity.....and there is very little time for me left on face of Earth since I'm 64 already.....
Yea, "it is so easy to forget how bad it was"... Thank you Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!👍❤❤❤
The way this lady spits FACTSSSSSS. 🤌👌❤
I am so grateful for you, Dr Ramani. You are the only reason I found my strength and voice again and continue to move forward towards freedom. ❤
It's almost insane how timely your videos are! TYSVM!!
Spot on dr Ramani, so very true. Just because we can, doesn’t mean we should! And I think we should have nothing to do with narcissists if we discern somebody as one!
Thanks Dr Ramani,,, this will help, I am sure,,,
That's what a moral compass is for😅
I can't be at that relationship any more
It is unhealthy. I have to treat a person and their entire family as unimportant. I can't trust your words, your advice, your thoughts... I have to completely disregard you. It's soul-sucking but it makes things work for now. The narcissist forces you into some type of behavior you consider disrespectful or disingenuous to maintain peace.
Good heading! Multipurpose applications....
Making it work with a malignant narcissist is absolutely impossible after devaluation. He is hellbent on harming me, and going no contact still does not free me from the smear campaign and flying monkeys.
"Life's good, I'm not poor $75,000 biweekly return, drugs free I don't have cancer yet"
Hello, how do you achieve such biweekly returns? As a single parent i haven't been able to get my own house due to financial struggles, but my faith in God remains strong.
I'm inspired.
Please spill some sugar about the biweekly stuff you mentioned
@@JoshigoreIt's Christina Ann Tucker doing she's changed my life. A BROKER- like her is what you need.
I raised 75k and Christina Ann Tucker is to be thanked. I got my self my dream car 🚗 just last weekend, My journey with her started after my best friend came back from New York and saw me suffering in dept then told me about her and how to change my life through her. Christina A. Tucker is the kind of person one needs in his or her life! I got a home, a good wife, and a beautiful daughter. Note: this is not a promotion but me trying to make a point that no matter what happens, always have faith and keep living!
This is a definition of God's unending provisions for his people. God remains faithful to his words.🙏 I receive this for my household
Thank you. This came at the right time. I went back to the videos about reasons you can't leave and also thought over my own.
So I'm left with my narcissistic mum...my dad and sister have gone.
My mum is laughing and joking like my dead sister never existed..she's only been gone 2 months.
I'm far distant from my mum...I feel bad but I can't see her anymore she's too fake and cruel to be near. It's tricky being left with an old narcissist.
My mums last words to my dying sister was this.. you are going to hell.....and my sister was the golden child ...I can't stand my mum anymore.
It is horrible that you have to deal with a mom who is extremely toxic. Please take care of yourself first!
@@annjohnson8437thanks for your kind words ann
Thank you for this wonderful reminder of how not to fall in the same trap. The harm is too much , to put myself in through of this , n run run. Stay away from them
Tailgating narcissists gas light drivers who are obeying the speed limit into thinking they are doing something wrong.
Very Nice Dr. Ramani. I appreciate this information and the research that was considered in order to make this video. This information is new to me. This video was very helpful. Thank you.
I think a lot about the metaphor of "the toaster" to describe how narcissistic people see other people. You have a particular function for them and if you're not doing it, you're no longer useful. That metaphor is accurate but hard to accept about someone who has administered care to you for years, such as a parent or spouse. In that case, I like the "livestock" metaphor. The farmer doesn't feed and groom those animals so they can just leave. He has a future use in mind. When you're tempted to back, remember that they were never "caring" for you in the first place. It was preparation for exploitation at best, destruction at worst
Damn 😞
To health and discernment!
During shut down was when I was really able to study the narc.. DR Ramani and others. I’d prefer not to deal with a narcissist! But narcs influence still rules my family even in death. No way around it ! Narcs lie etc. I can’t form any kind of real relationship with one. I just hang with them in the kitty part of the pool. About 3 feet ..
It's very difficult to come out of a narcissistic relationship. I pray that everyone ( including myself ) will heal soon. Everytime we feel stuck and feel like going back to them let's think of the time we gave them another chance only to regret it later. Let's keep ourselves strong and gather ourselves together. Let's Heal, Grow and Glow ❤
So glad that you made this video, it is so good with all of it's content, because it was a reminder of me, NOT to go back to the relationship, BECAUSE WHAT YOU ARE SAYING, IS SO TRUE, I can feel this in my and with my heart. IT'S A BIG WARNING, not to go back and stay away AND TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF !
I think that is a very universal comment. Just because the narc can drag you through court in divorce. The narc can use the justice system as a weapon is something they can do. Perhaps, in this country where people can wiggle out of paying taxes. Where employers can abuse their employees. It’s time for us to have a really ask ourselves at what point doing what we can do will have consequences too. I do believe that some point a place where morally is part of our justice system do.
That’s one of my favorite sayings. I often tell myself this when I want to hit a high note while casually singing 🎶….I remind myself…Just because you can hit it, doesn’t mean you should 🎶……other people DON’T want to hear it. 🤣
I would like to request a broader scale series regarding the characteristics of Narcissistic personality as it applies to the inclusion of these traits as a technique into the world. There is a huge effort to control the lives of everyone on the planet from governments to individual relationships. The concepts with the framework of narcissism has gone viral. Gaslighting is used daily in political settings and now at the Olympics. I see it trained with all levels of law enforcement and intelligence. I see it in the courtrooms. I see it used by anti Christian movements. Disregarding and changing your perspectives has become an extraordinary effort. It is difficult to manage interaction with any authority who Gaslights and bullies you.
It's horrible to watch your friends trying to make, had learned how they can work it with their narcissist. Maybe it's not as bad if you never experienced the abuse, but for those who have experienced it and healed from it, or are working on it it's just too hard. At this point I am slowly coming to terms with those I care about will not leave their narcs. They are giving them so many excuses. Hell, they even pride themselves on this. I literally heard a friend say:" We work because he is ruthless, but I can take it. This is what love is. " Near the end of the video was beneficial as I will have to navigate such individuals in the future.
Always helpful,dear doctor Ramani!!!
Morning with Ramani …. ❤
THANK YOU, Dr. Ramani
Thank you.
I make it work too, by #nocontact #block #delete . Now that i have exited the npd cycle of abuse, I can not give them another chance to finish what they started.
#neveragain
Great topic! Thank you once again!
What does it even mean make it work? Being perfect slave?
Yes so true anytjing less will be a battle
My dad, older sister, and now my husband. It is very much taking it's toll. That's for sure. My husband passed away 9 years ago and I eventually remarried. My health went straight down. It has only been in the last year that I finally understood what I had dealt with in childhood. And also what was going on in the last 7 1/2 years with my present husband. I never knew what passive aggressive, covert narcissism, trauma bonded even meant! Boy do I ever know now. I feel like I am 90 years old. And I am not. :) lol Working on changing things now.
This is one of my faves of all the videos. So well said. I will remember this one…
Leaving can be so much harder. But the moments of utter peace I get make it worth it. I'm not sure my family would say the same because they all became victims of the narcissist. It's been a long 24 years...
Timing hey
Thank you so much for this channel!! It’s life changing!
Yes 👏 👏 You are my Shero!!! What you have taught me is invaluable ❤❤❤❤
Haha, for all my painful four decades of life ive never been able to make it work with narcs. Not a single one of them. But i know people who have been able, yes.
It isn’t just narcissists. Once you have a reputation as a people pleaser, otherwise normal people will assume you will drop everything and do anything because you are “nice”. They will guilt you. Recently my old job wanted me to do some work for them, at no pay, assuming that I would because I’m “nice”.
I said no. Maybe I am finally starting to heal.
I can handle house chores on my own, but I'm frustrated with our unequal contributions. I work full-time while he doesn’t, and I'm leaving because I'm burned out. I refuse to be his caregiver. He thinks I don’t communicate well, but I’ve repeatedly expressed my needs and preferences, and he never listened.
Yes It takes a toll on you I'm in recovery from a narcissist friend , but the good news is I don't visit or take her calls now I'm on the mend these podcast have been a real lifelone
Instead of doing the (sometimes) extremely difficult work of making a marriage work, dig for reasons to label them a narcissist.
Marriage is work, folks. After 36 years my spouse and I know.
In a world where everyone who makes you mad is a narcissist, be patient, be kind, hang in there, marriage counseling, work on it.
It’s worth it.
I think after years of not understanding narcissism and overlooking patterns and red flags, that once I did begin to learn, the writing was in the wall. The math was, “I cannot help either of you (mother and sister) and I can only be hurt by complying without you.” Case closed. I know and am really sad and angry, that I know leaving isn’t an option, for everyone, even if it’s become of enmeshment only. But, I knew I had to get out of there, before I became as capable of hurting my family, as much or more, than they wanted to hurt me. But, for me, I knew I did not deserve what I was experiencing and it didn’t matter, that it was coming from family. Although only two, it very much felt like a pack of wolves and I wasn’t sticking around, for the next episode.
I think people can end up sticking to some substandard idea that, “Well, they only disrespect or abuse me a bit.” And a lot of these ideas also come from your peers, family, etc.
It reminds me of a meme I picked up, the other day. “The number one reason people fail in life is because they listen to their friends, family and neighbors.” Most people don’t want you to rise above “their” standards or the standards that make your life work - for them. While it sounds strange and even evil, that those standards may include abuse, they just might. It is actually quite easy to normalize things and you may even be unconsciously afraid of violating those standards, by doing something about your situation, instead of accepting what they have, often, for themselves and for you. It is actually like a cult, as far as I’m concerned and, perhaps, people don’t just have a hard time escaping them, when they are indoctrinated into what’s going on, but when they don’t have the discernment to even know it’s a cult, in the first place.
I’m still hearing and still catching myself wanting to help my ex. Then I catch myself and say why are willing to help when he doesn’t even care all he is worrying about is about himself.
I'm having to co-parent with a narcissist who absolutely WILL NOT leave me alone. We have been to court-ordered mediation after he made ridiculous claims about my then partner and sent all of us through a circus of court dates, DCF inspections, and therapy sessions (all of which proved that his claims were baseless). At mediation it was agreed that he is not to talk to me in any way about getting back together or about my relationships. Communication is to only be about our daughters immediate needs. Does that stop him from texting me EVERY DAY about how much he wants me and bashing me and my current relationship? NO. But I literally don't know what to do. I know that as soon as I file a restraining order or turn him in for violating mediation that he is going to unleash a whirlwind of unnecessary drama and our child will be stuck in the middle of. I tolerate this crap for her, but I don't know how much longer I can take it.
Thank you for making me a cautionary tale. I hope you profit from this and I hope talking about my situation helps you to heal from the narcissistic betrayals you have experienced in your life. You are a little off-base on what you think my my plans are and what my boundaries are. But, I hope that in making predictions whether they come to pass or not, you start to question whether your message causes any form of harm to your audience/followers, small or not. I am more worried about your message causing rifts with parents than with romantic partners.
Why would you want to make it work with a narcissist in the first place?
Exactly, now that we know that they fake emotional ties to exploit people, including their own children!!...
Who on hell wants to live a matrix, a fake relation ,a role-play with a child trapped in an adult body?
It's almost like being a pedophile!!.
I’ve had it to where it was a friend’s boyfriend on multiple occasions. That’s why I don’t like to be around couples unless I know them both well. The boyfriends will turn your own friend on you. It’s wild. Makes me thankful to be single.
Yes, I can/ I could..but iy was hurtful for my son, too.
And, yes, I think we all deserve a good partner, but for that you need a lot of luck !
God bless you Dr. Ramani!!!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️ It really really looks like it isn't me (I've been analyzing this stuff almost all my life, especially after I've read "People of The Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck (RIP 🙏) which I've read almost 20 years ago). I really hope I get to meet you one day and tell you everything Dr Ramani! ❤️❤️❤️ I don't think I am anything bad actually, I'm very strong but not something bad, I'm not even an avoidant dismissive I don't think. 🙏❤️❤️
I’ve tried for 27 years to make it work… I’m not perfect but I have tried. I have two adult children with this person and a ten year old. I need to find a out and be a better example for my younger but don’t know how.
I have made it "work" with my trusty toolbox for a couple years. But after watching the recent female self-defense trial I feel I lost years of therapy.
I so needed to hear this today. I've been struggling with the narc in my life. I finally got away from him 7 months ago and yet I ruminate all day every day. He just started reaching out again and my first thought is oh hell no and then I start thinking about the poor guy, he is so alone, depressed. I'm a Christian should I forgive and forget like he asks me to? I think I want better for myself and then think am I really any better? I gave issues/faults too. And it just goes back and forth: love/hate, ignore/tolerate, appease/forget, hinder/help. I drive myself nuts. This is the first narc I've ever met and sometimes my brain is just numb after everything that happened. sometimes I wish it would just stay numb. I wish there was a pill to stop ruminating.
My counselor couldn't believe I didn't want to date anymore. I stopped years ago and had men asking me out but I couldn't do it again. I tried and most of my dates liked me. I came to a conclusion that I'm a happy cat lady and don't need anyone. I would rather put my time energy into my grown son and my 2 cats.
I did ALREADY and not doing it anymore.
Very helpful!! Thanks
Just wanted to say thank you.❤
Yes ma’am
Well said.
Dr. Ramani, I would love to talk to you about the ridiculous behavior in Beverly Hills!
Hey 👋🏻
Hi 👋
❤❤❤
you’re the best ❤
Well said... 🙂
I know if I were to go back to my narcissist, make amends and try to work with them, with my age and disability, I know I cannot. How many second chances should I give someone who has hurt me too many times?
If I did do so then I would definitely earn the label of masochist.
Who needs labels? They're so boring!
If you are or have been a person who watches the abuse, one day the abused may blame you for them enduring the abuse. I'm just venting, but has that happened to anyone else?