I understand completely what you mean. When I am with my family I feel so confident and outgoing but when I am out mixing with people I completely clam up (especially as I'm pre surgery). Added to this is the fact that I get on much better with women as a lot of the things I like are considered more feminine, i.e. fashion, dancing, theatre etc. So I would find it really hard to connect with other guys.
+Jacob Dunbar Hey mate, it does improve with time, I am far more comfortable with guys now than I was in early T days. As you gain more comfort in your self you will relax and find people, male, female, other that you can be yourself with
Hey, Finn...no one is an "average guy." You will find the kind of friends you're looking for. Being older makes you more selective, and that's a good thing. Don't give up and don't try too hard. It'll happen, my friend! You are a handsome, approachable, interesting, thoughtful, energetic man. Make it work for you. So glad you continue to question things; many things need to be questioned. Say "hi" to Nat! Evan (formerly Andy)
Hi Andy! Its hard work....but fun...getting to know myself all over again. I dont mean average in the derogatory sense, its just that now I simply blend in (thank god!) that invisibility can at times make me feel insignificant...if that makes sense? When I was living as a lesbian, I was different/noticed which at least opened up a dialogue but now im just "ordinary". Its good...that was kind of the goal i guess...to just blend in....but at the same time its an odd mental and social shift that Im still adjusting too. Thank you for you lovely comments and very kind compliments. Hope you are doing well my friend?
your observations/experience are very similar to my own. The 'high five' kind of stuff is where you need a good mate or relative (born in man world) to help you out. These things are subtle and don't seem so important until you are living it and then one can feel very exposed at the most unexpected moments by them. Try not to think too much or try too hard. Now is the best time to be yourself, to really be who you want to be. Don't try to conform too much. It's very nice to feel like you belong but it is not nice if it is hard work. Exposure is the answer as you rightly say. 4 years in I can report that it DOES get easier. We have 40 odd years of male socialisation to learn much more quickly.
Finn buddy first of all, although I respect your feelings about not doing monthly vids, I sure wish you would reconsider. Why, lad listen to yourself in this vid. Its not just about physical changes but emotional, mental, spiritual and social. We, trans-people, have all those in common...we have to learn a new way of life. By sharing our experiences causes one of two things: either one is going through the same or one has gone through it and just maybe his/her experience will help the other. Your openess and honesty draws others who have struggled on similiar paths or those who feed off our inspiring moments. Never feel that there's nothing to share, even if its a thought. By watching you on this vid I see a young man who is maturing into a strong, handsome and balanced person. Each suttle experience could be a big one to someone else. Talking about the alchohol and what position you founf yourself in shows others that although its tough one can come through it sober. The other importance I heard in your experience is, although you felt very awkward in socializing and trying to fit in you didn't give up! Now let me just say that our social awkwardness, I feel, is because we can't let go of the 'trans' and jst relax and be ourselves. When I am nervous or feel that 'awkwardness', I tend to flub up. However, if I would go with my inner emotims I would be more suttle and nt worried about the 'quiet' moments. Do you get me? You're alright in my book and maybe someday we'll meet in person, but until then you're my tube-fb buddy and I enjoy you! .....what might be a pebble in ones pathway may be as big as a boulder in anothers. Reaching, sharing and giving of ourselves is our greatest blessing one to another. Here's a fist bump to you and a firm handshake with a shoulder hug!
Hey Ethan! You missunderstood me I think! I meant I am not going to do the physical change updates as much, Id been doing those about once a month but now the focus is less on physical change and more on the emotional/spiritual/social stuff so although Im not going to do the...."this month I have more hair" vids, I shall be doing the other more existential stuff.....so Im not going anywhere! Bless you :). You are exactly right about the awkwardness, I think it is a lot down to not letting go of being trans, its at the forefront of my mind quite a lot and although I dont question how Im being read as much as I did, its still a thought in my head when I feel Im struggling to connect. More letting go is needed I think! Here is a three second pat on the back hug right back at ya! Thanks my friend, you are a wonderful man.
Great reflection Finn.. just remember to stay in the "moment"... pg 417 in the Big Book really helps me when I am struggling. You've got what it takes and you are a real inspiration to many of us.
Yes the social awkwardness is on! My "best" moment was a guy pulling me in to kiss me on the cheek and me not letting him and pushing against his hand so he wouldn't come closer. Awkward awkward ... I try to validate my own socialisation though. I often feel like I just don't know how to be a guy and it makes me feel like a failure but in fact we do know how to socialize as females and we are learning so it's not like we're just failing. Eventually I too want to blend in and not always be the special unicorn but I try to be patient and embrace my unique experience. Thanks for the video, as always I enjoyed watching!
Special unicorn! I like that! Mate Ive done some embarrassing stuff like that too....its a minefield out there in the unknown male world!!!! Glad its not just me! I agree about finding our own way, I like the fact that I have my female socialisation, it makes me sensitive and empathetic and I like that and dont want to lose that, but at the same time Id like to be able to mingle more without feeling like a fish out of water! It is a unique experience indeed and the more I get out there in the big wide world the easier it will be. Thank you Felix for your wise comments :)
Thanks for this video Finn, this is something that i have been struggling with too, and not only just around socializing with men, but women as well. I've grown up around gay men and women, i never realized that there was a difference between how men and women interacted vs gay girls. i think there's a lot of maybe not aggression, but physicality men share amongst themselves but also a different kind that they share with women socially, which i feel like i don't understand. Like you say, i always thought that everything was interchangeable and that i was just making my body fit better with who i was and that i could simply remain the same and just change physically. the greatest piece of advice I've been given so far is really that i'm the only one who knows i'm trans really. 99.9% of the time the outside world isn't even thinking about whether you're trans or not, they're trying to get to know you. so yeah, i think as guys we need to stop holding ourselves back and just be who we are and not 'what' we are.
Very wise words Nate, thank you very much. Its something Im getting better at remembering....that Im just seen as me...not trans, but I guess there is still some "letting go" to do around my trans identity. Thank you so much my friend!
Yes I must of misunderstood you. Thank you for all you do and I will look forward to future vids. You and I connect in many ways of viewing and theorizing. I truly enjoy walking this life of adventure with you. Have a great day buddy!
Thanks Finn. Your topics are often especially of interest to me as we're at a similar mark along the path with transition, probably also being older and some other common ground - so I can relate quite a bit here. I am more than aware that my socialization differed than those raised within a male culture, and it leaves me wondering what would I be doing if I was more familiar with these interactions? I don't immediately fit in via football or sports, or any of what would be typical or easy-in to my "new" culture. I noticed that most guys anywhere (when we do get out) are offered a beer right off - but I don't drink beer (GF) and don't drink much in general so skip that one. I don't mind that I don't stick out as the not- guy guy anymore, but it is an oddity to not know as much of the comfort I had eventually trained myself in my previous half of incarnation. I doubt it helps that I'm a bit of the introverted side in figuring it all out, but possibly the older part leaves me with some space to just be acceptably different from our culture's view and gain me some time in figuring out how it will work for me. I do know every guy has to fig that part out, and this is my angle, as a trans guy of course, but as a person. In a nutshell tho I could describe it as someone whose been raised American and speaking English of the same but gets let out into the world and finds he's in China!
George thats such a great analogy!!! So true! relate to absolutely all of that my friend. Losing the comfort of my old self is strange...I was definately not comfortable being seen and addressed as a female, but still, knowing my place in the world and how to act (subconciously) was at least some comfort compared to this! Despite the awkwardness, I am enjoying the process of re finding myself. Im just aware it would be so much easier and much more understood by others if I was actually the 14 year old I act like! Thanks my friend!
I'm getting all that guy stuff at work now, I dont mind the high 5s and fist bumps ...it is very hard to have a guy put his hand on my shoulder and the half chest bump was freaky. I am dreading a full chest bump but as you know I haven't had surgery. I have also learned never say you like a guys haircut ...I did it and after I was thanked he added that I was being very sensitive :/ not good. As for having a conversation with the guys, well there is so much to learn and I am lost too. I have more women who suddenly want to talk and touch me as well. Oh and no one believes me about how old I am. Maybe there is a book out there that can help lol P.S. looking good there lad :)
Cheers Spence! Yes, looking younger is both a blessing and a curse! Its fun being accepted isnt it! Such a lot to learn though! Your doing the right thing, like I need to, just getting out there, feeling your way, messing up, learning etc. We will get there!
The last man I ever dated always hated those bro rituals like the back slapping hugs and rough housing type stuff. I called him my socially acceptable lesbian relationship while we were together because he was so very in touch with his feminine side.
@@FinnTheInfinncible So weird side note, I came out while dating that guy and ended up setting him up with a woman I was scoping for myself. They are married now and I'm good friends with both of them still. In fact, they are going on a cruise with us next January! I'm so excited to be able to spend time with them. We got a big room so they can come hang out with us whenever they want to.
Your videos are making transition so less intimidating for me. I haven't gotten to where you are yet, so I'm watching and learning. And feeling great hope. Thanks.
Sometimes I almost feel as if I lose something when turning from a rather unusual female, not being female at all thus standing out, into a normal guy that nobody thinks is really particularly special at all. of course, that's what I want, being a guy, but I'm still also the person I am now, who is used to not belonging and therefore created a character that can cope with it. This "character" is part of me too now, and I wonder if it just goes away when the reason for it finally goes away....when I'm a fully accepted male...difficult to express. I just don't want it to fade away like that and turn into just another boring bloke;-)
I completely understand where you are coming from. In my experience, as much as Im blending in now and being seen as "just another bloke", I will never be, nor want to be "just another bloke". I dont think we can be to be honest, I mean we can on the outside, but our unique experience carries with it a special character that can never be lost. With every change comes a loss, so I have lost that unique outward appearance, I no longer stand out, the character I played has in effect gone away because the reason for it has, i dont have to try to be anything anymore...Im just simply me. However, in its place is a character that has triumphed in ways that most people never come close to, this new character is truly me, the whole me and I am loving every second of its somewhat awkward development! I find this whole process of identity shift incredibly fascinating. There is fear and loss and a lot of limbo whilst we first create ourselves anew and then let that creation naturally evolve, thats where I feel I am now, in the natural evolving stage and I tell you its wonderful! So do not fear, you will never ever be a boring bloke :)
I tended to get the opposite kind of response, pre transition. I wasn't viewed as anything interesting in a positive way. Which didn't bother me too much seeing as how I'm not very social to begin with. Since starting transition though, being seen as the man I am and all, I like how people react to me. Just being treated as another dude is pretty great. Can't say I have the social awkwardness thing though, seeing as how friends that I did have in the past treated me as male, minus pronouns, heh. Anyway, thanks for all your videos Finn, I thoroughly enjoy watching them.
I understand completely what you mean. When I am with my family I feel so confident and outgoing but when I am out mixing with people I completely clam up (especially as I'm pre surgery). Added to this is the fact that I get on much better with women as a lot of the things I like are considered more feminine, i.e. fashion, dancing, theatre etc. So I would find it really hard to connect with other guys.
+Jacob Dunbar Hey mate, it does improve with time, I am far more comfortable with guys now than I was in early T days. As you gain more comfort in your self you will relax and find people, male, female, other that you can be yourself with
Hey, Finn...no one is an "average guy." You will find the kind of friends you're looking for. Being older makes you more selective, and that's a good thing. Don't give up and don't try too hard. It'll happen, my friend! You are a handsome, approachable, interesting, thoughtful, energetic man. Make it work for you. So glad you continue to question things; many things need to be questioned. Say "hi" to Nat! Evan (formerly Andy)
Hi Andy! Its hard work....but fun...getting to know myself all over again. I dont mean average in the derogatory sense, its just that now I simply blend in (thank god!) that invisibility can at times make me feel insignificant...if that makes sense? When I was living as a lesbian, I was different/noticed which at least opened up a dialogue but now im just "ordinary". Its good...that was kind of the goal i guess...to just blend in....but at the same time its an odd mental and social shift that Im still adjusting too. Thank you for you lovely comments and very kind compliments. Hope you are doing well my friend?
your observations/experience are very similar to my own. The 'high five' kind of stuff is where you need a good mate or relative (born in man world) to help you out. These things are subtle and don't seem so important until you are living it and then one can feel very exposed at the most unexpected moments by them. Try not to think too much or try too hard. Now is the best time to be yourself, to really be who you want to be. Don't try to conform too much. It's very nice to feel like you belong but it is not nice if it is hard work. Exposure is the answer as you rightly say. 4 years in I can report that it DOES get easier. We have 40 odd years of male socialisation to learn much more quickly.
Hi Dylan glad its not just me! Thank you for your wise comments, it very reassuring to hear it does get easier! Bless you mate :)
Finn buddy first of all, although I respect your feelings about not doing monthly vids, I sure wish you would reconsider. Why, lad listen to yourself in this vid. Its not just about physical changes but emotional, mental, spiritual and social. We, trans-people, have all those in common...we have to learn a new way of life. By sharing our experiences causes one of two things: either one is going through the same or one has gone through it and just maybe his/her experience will help the other. Your openess and honesty draws others who have struggled on similiar paths or those who feed off our inspiring moments.
Never feel that there's nothing to share, even if its a thought. By watching you on this vid I see a young man who is maturing into a strong, handsome and balanced person. Each suttle experience could be a big one to someone else. Talking about the alchohol and what position you founf yourself in shows others that although its tough one can come through it sober. The other importance I heard in your experience is, although you felt very awkward in socializing and trying to fit in you didn't give up!
Now let me just say that our social awkwardness, I feel, is because we can't let go of the 'trans' and jst relax and be ourselves. When I am nervous or feel that 'awkwardness', I tend to flub up. However, if I would go with my inner emotims I would be more suttle and nt worried about the 'quiet' moments. Do you get me? You're alright in my book and maybe someday we'll meet in person, but until then you're my tube-fb buddy and I enjoy you! .....what might be a pebble in ones pathway may be as big as a boulder in anothers. Reaching, sharing and giving of ourselves is our greatest blessing one to another.
Here's a fist bump to you and a firm handshake with a shoulder hug!
Hey Ethan! You missunderstood me I think! I meant I am not going to do the physical change updates as much, Id been doing those about once a month but now the focus is less on physical change and more on the emotional/spiritual/social stuff so although Im not going to do the...."this month I have more hair" vids, I shall be doing the other more existential stuff.....so Im not going anywhere! Bless you :). You are exactly right about the awkwardness, I think it is a lot down to not letting go of being trans, its at the forefront of my mind quite a lot and although I dont question how Im being read as much as I did, its still a thought in my head when I feel Im struggling to connect. More letting go is needed I think! Here is a three second pat on the back hug right back at ya! Thanks my friend, you are a wonderful man.
Great reflection Finn.. just remember to stay in the "moment"... pg 417 in the Big Book really helps me when I am struggling. You've got what it takes and you are a real inspiration to many of us.
Thank you for such a wonderful comment , bless you my friend. I shall turn to thaat page, thank you so much :)
Yes the social awkwardness is on! My "best" moment was a guy pulling me in to kiss me on the cheek and me not letting him and pushing against his hand so he wouldn't come closer. Awkward awkward ...
I try to validate my own socialisation though. I often feel like I just don't know how to be a guy and it makes me feel like a failure but in fact we do know how to socialize as females and we are learning so it's not like we're just failing. Eventually I too want to blend in and not always be the special unicorn but I try to be patient and embrace my unique experience.
Thanks for the video, as always I enjoyed watching!
Special unicorn! I like that! Mate Ive done some embarrassing stuff like that too....its a minefield out there in the unknown male world!!!! Glad its not just me! I agree about finding our own way, I like the fact that I have my female socialisation, it makes me sensitive and empathetic and I like that and dont want to lose that, but at the same time Id like to be able to mingle more without feeling like a fish out of water! It is a unique experience indeed and the more I get out there in the big wide world the easier it will be. Thank you Felix for your wise comments :)
Thanks for this video Finn, this is something that i have been struggling with too, and not only just around socializing with men, but women as well. I've grown up around gay men and women, i never realized that there was a difference between how men and women interacted vs gay girls.
i think there's a lot of maybe not aggression, but physicality men share amongst themselves but also a different kind that they share with women socially, which i feel like i don't understand.
Like you say, i always thought that everything was interchangeable and that i was just making my body fit better with who i was and that i could simply remain the same and just change physically.
the greatest piece of advice I've been given so far is really that i'm the only one who knows i'm trans really. 99.9% of the time the outside world isn't even thinking about whether you're trans or not, they're trying to get to know you.
so yeah, i think as guys we need to stop holding ourselves back and just be who we are and not 'what' we are.
Very wise words Nate, thank you very much. Its something Im getting better at remembering....that Im just seen as me...not trans, but I guess there is still some "letting go" to do around my trans identity. Thank you so much my friend!
Yes I must of misunderstood you. Thank you for all you do and I will look forward to future vids. You and I connect in many ways of viewing and theorizing. I truly enjoy walking this life of adventure with you. Have a great day buddy!
Bless you my friend, the feeling is very mutual! Wish we didnt live so far apart, would love to share a cuppa with you!
Thanks Finn. Your topics are often especially of interest to me as we're at a similar mark along the path with transition, probably also being older and some other common ground - so I can relate quite a bit here. I am more than aware that my socialization differed than those raised within a male culture, and it leaves me wondering what would I be doing if I was more familiar with these interactions? I don't immediately fit in via football or sports, or any of what would be typical or easy-in to my "new" culture. I noticed that most guys anywhere (when we do get out) are offered a beer right off - but I don't drink beer (GF) and don't drink much in general so skip that one. I don't mind that I don't stick out as the not- guy guy anymore, but it is an oddity to not know as much of the comfort I had eventually trained myself in my previous half of incarnation. I doubt it helps that I'm a bit of the introverted side in figuring it all out, but possibly the older part leaves me with some space to just be acceptably different from our culture's view and gain me some time in figuring out how it will work for me. I do know every guy has to fig that part out, and this is my angle, as a trans guy of course, but as a person. In a nutshell tho I could describe it as someone whose been raised American and speaking English of the same but gets let out into the world and finds he's in China!
George thats such a great analogy!!! So true! relate to absolutely all of that my friend. Losing the comfort of my old self is strange...I was definately not comfortable being seen and addressed as a female, but still, knowing my place in the world and how to act (subconciously) was at least some comfort compared to this! Despite the awkwardness, I am enjoying the process of re finding myself. Im just aware it would be so much easier and much more understood by others if I was actually the 14 year old I act like! Thanks my friend!
I'm getting all that guy stuff at work now, I dont mind the high 5s and fist bumps ...it is very hard to have a guy put his hand on my shoulder and the half chest bump was freaky. I am dreading a full chest bump but as you know I haven't had surgery. I have also learned never say you like a guys haircut ...I did it and after I was thanked he added that I was being very sensitive :/ not good. As for having a conversation with the guys, well there is so much to learn and I am lost too. I have more women who suddenly want to talk and touch me as well. Oh and no one believes me about how old I am. Maybe there is a book out there that can help lol P.S. looking good there lad :)
Cheers Spence! Yes, looking younger is both a blessing and a curse! Its fun being accepted isnt it! Such a lot to learn though! Your doing the right thing, like I need to, just getting out there, feeling your way, messing up, learning etc. We will get there!
The last man I ever dated always hated those bro rituals like the back slapping hugs and rough housing type stuff. I called him my socially acceptable lesbian relationship while we were together because he was so very in touch with his feminine side.
I love that! Yes, as my transition has progressed, l realise more and more that lm not the only man who isn't a fan of the uber Male rituals!!!
@@FinnTheInfinncible So weird side note, I came out while dating that guy and ended up setting him up with a woman I was scoping for myself. They are married now and I'm good friends with both of them still. In fact, they are going on a cruise with us next January! I'm so excited to be able to spend time with them. We got a big room so they can come hang out with us whenever they want to.
Your videos are making transition so less intimidating for me. I haven't gotten to where you are yet, so I'm watching and learning. And feeling great hope. Thanks.
Thank you for such a lovely comment! be hopeful my friend, you will arrive before youve even realised youve left :)
Sometimes I almost feel as if I lose something when turning from a rather unusual female, not being female at all thus standing out, into a normal guy that nobody thinks is really particularly special at all. of course, that's what I want, being a guy, but I'm still
also the person I am now, who is used to not belonging and therefore created a character that can cope with it. This "character" is part of me too now, and I wonder if it just goes away when the reason for it finally goes away....when I'm a fully accepted male...difficult to express. I just don't want it to fade away like that and turn into just another boring bloke;-)
I completely understand where you are coming from. In my experience, as much as Im blending in now and being seen as "just another bloke", I will never be, nor want to be "just another bloke". I dont think we can be to be honest, I mean we can on the outside, but our unique experience carries with it a special character that can never be lost. With every change comes a loss, so I have lost that unique outward appearance, I no longer stand out, the character I played has in effect gone away because the reason for it has, i dont have to try to be anything anymore...Im just simply me. However, in its place is a character that has triumphed in ways that most people never come close to, this new character is truly me, the whole me and I am loving every second of its somewhat awkward development! I find this whole process of identity shift incredibly fascinating. There is fear and loss and a lot of limbo whilst we first create ourselves anew and then let that creation naturally evolve, thats where I feel I am now, in the natural evolving stage and I tell you its wonderful! So do not fear, you will never ever be a boring bloke :)
I tended to get the opposite kind of response, pre transition. I wasn't viewed as anything interesting in a positive way. Which didn't bother me too much seeing as how I'm not very social to begin with. Since starting transition though, being seen as the man I am and all, I like how people react to me. Just being treated as another dude is pretty great. Can't say I have the social awkwardness thing though, seeing as how friends that I did have in the past treated me as male, minus pronouns, heh. Anyway, thanks for all your videos Finn, I thoroughly enjoy watching them.
It is indeed great to be seen as the men we are! Thanks for your comments my friend :)
This is exactly! As I feel. I'm so stuck right now.
It does get easier, Im approaching 4 years on T now and its much easier than it once was!
Can I just say Mr Finn - you look and sound AMAZING! =)
Awww thanks so much mate!!! :) :) :) :)