I will say, dating a 30 years old man when you're 19 is not the same thing as dating a 40 years old man when you're 29, even is the age gap is the same. Maturity comes with time and experiences. When you're older you're less subject to grooming and/or power dynamic because you already have your own adult life. Which you don't have at 19.
To the person who wanted advice on virginity at 28, I only had my 'sexual debut' at 27, and not having had sex felt like a massive weight on my shoulders before that. I also have friends who still haven't had sex and are a similar age to you. It's more common than you might think, but people don't talk about it because there's a bit of a stigma surrounding it. However, letting go of that is easier said than done. I at one point just started dating someone who I was really comfortable around, and felt ready to explore that. I was not in a committed relationship with that person, but they were poly, and therefore a great communicator. The slightly unconventional aspect to this relationship actually made me feel more at ease, because the pressure was off this being a 'normal' relationship. Another thing you could do is take PIV sex off the table if you've found someone you would like to have your sexual debut with. This and the great level of communication took all the pressure off, and just gave me license to just explore all kinds of ways mine and my sex partner's bodies could be touched. When I did eventually have PIV sex with a different partner, it did not feel like a big deal at all. All the other stuff actually felt way more intimate and because I had a really positive experience with this person, I was actually pretty sexually confident. Another thing that really helped was listening to Unexpected Fluids, a podcast from the BBC about everything that can go wrong during sex. Knowing that sex is often a bit clumsy, even for people who do have sexual experience, was a massive help. Also, listening to podcasts about sex where people are sex positive and open really helped me gain a vocabulary of how to talk about sex. Communication is one of the best tools you can have. Now I'm actually glad I didn't have sex until I was in my twenties, because I needed that time to be ready. I also skipped the teenage years of fumbling around having no clue about what to do, because I was armed with knowledge and had years to explore my own body first. (That said, fumbling around can also be very fun). Hope this helps!
I also had my first time at 27 in a one night stand and agree it was really not a big deal at all - i think "virginity" is often framed as something that changes you, but in my experience it definitely did not feel life changing at this stage in my life - which is to be expected! Similar to the person above, I like reading literotica (fanfiction, mostly, but a variety of depictions of sexual experiences) and I think it gave me a good frame of reference that was pretty true to life - I'm no expert, but if you're anxious about it, I feel like reading/consuming media is a good way to gain understanding without physical experience!
I was 26 and I'd definitely built it into a huge thing. I expected it would take months for me to be comfortable enough to do anything sexual with someone but turned out that when I desired them enough I could use that to override the anxiety. It was still definitely there, but my partner was very respectful, didn't make a bug deal out of it but did check in to make sure I wasn't doing anything I wasn't happy with. It might be helpful to think about what sexual activities would feel easier and you could start with the easiest. For me, pleasuring my partner was easier because I felt in control of what I did, whereas some people would feel more pressure to be good at it in that situation. Whatever works for you.
Also wanted to say I debuted at 27. Mine was with my housemate and involved about 8 months of getting to know each other and sexual buildup before it actually happened so we felt quite comfortable with each other. He didn't know at the time, and actually he was pretty chuffed about it. When I was dating before that I would often send them a text a date or two in to let them know so they could manage their expectations if they still wanted to meet up. Was a good way to get rid of people who were only interested in sex.
Can I just say that calling the moment "having a sexual debut" instead of "losing your virginity"? Much better way to frame it. Not sure if it's been established or if it's your term but either way I'm stealing it! 💛
I cannot finish with a partner, only with myself. I used to think that this made me a bad partner, but now I understand that I much *prefer* being a stone top and simply giving instead of receiving when with a partner! I know that this is not the case for everyone, but wanted to share my experience :)
I use to be that way either my first two partners then with my last two I actually started finished almost Everytime not sure why probbaly a combo of them actually caring more that I finish and actually trying to get me off and being more comfortable with sex after havei g it with a lot more people versus the first two people
I'm the same, I've never been able to finish with my partner (the only one I've ever had) even though they're attentive and put in effort to trying to make me cum. it feels like it'll never happen, I can only cum when I'm alone and I feel like I just have a huge mental block
Doubts: A good thing to do when assessing doubts is to cross reference them with real life things that have happened and be honest with yourself if you're feeling doubtful because of something real and possible or something imagined / informed by past experiences.
RELATIONSHIP DOUBTS, OMG I've got Relationship OCD, which is a super fun form of anxiety that takes any doubts about anything in relationships and ratchets them up to Level 17 all the time. One of the really hard bits about any form of OCD is that the intrusive thoughts are super distressing for the person experiencing them, and sharing them with other people (i.e. with confessing compulsions) can be pretty detrimental sometimes if the person you're talking to doesn't also have the internal experience of OCD (like when you spend weeks convinced that maybe you don't actually love your mother, for example). So therapy with professionals trained in the treatment of OCD specifically and/or OCD support groups can be super helpful if doubts feel like they're more than thoughts and are actually causing physical/mental distress on a debilitating level! Overthinking About You: Navigating Romantic Relationships When You Have Anxiety, OCD, and/or Depression (Allison Raskin) is a wonderful book and I will never not recommend it to everyone. P.S. I cannot overstate how meaningful that ADHD video was for me! Thanks soooo much for making it ❤❤
@@hannahwitton Oh wow, worlds colliding! JBU is one of my top podcasts, had no idea you were aware of them! (Although I guess it makes sense in retrospect.) Highly recommend to any lurking commenters: Just Between Us Podcast, a variety show filled with heartfelt advice, ridiculous games, and brutal, brutal honesty. (Psst it's not actually that brutal. But it *is* honest, especially about living with mental health disorders, progressive politics, and inner politics in the queer community.)
Ordered the book straight after reading your comment - it sounds SO helpful. I'm also struggling with OCD in so many aspects of my life and am looking forward to reading more about it :) Thanks for sharing!
@@fitzroviasclown It’s so nice to read a book about OCD by someone who has OCD. My therapist and I talked about it almost every week while I was reading it because I loved it so much. I’m sending you lots of OCD Solidarity Vibes; I hope the volume on the Brain Chatter gets turned down soon and that you find tons and tons of support ❤️
After fifteen years with my partner, I'd say doubts come and go. At different life stages and in different contexts I find myself periodically reevaluating, but generally I find that is more about me and my identity rather than if my partner is the partner I want to share life with.
I’d love Hannah to touch on how society views sex through a masculinised lens. Women are often told we’re “not broken” etc for differing sexually from men, but we rarely talk about how the patriarchy and consequently men perpetuate inflammatory views on sex, sexuality and how one should engage in said things. I think there needs to be more conversations had re the cultural and societal trappings of sex, relationships, women and how they all bleed into one another.
I think something that is so nerve-wracking and shameful about having relationship doubts is that it seems like anytime you talk to someone about it, they will always say "you need to break up".
I would recommend that anyone in a power imbalance (age gap, living in a nonnative culture, etc etc) should have an escape hatch. In my opinion, both of you should want this, because it guarantees you’re staying in the relationship because you want to, and not because you’re “stuck”. I would have plans to detect and escape at least the following three types of abuse. Emotional: do you have a social circle supporting you that does not include him? Physical: do you always have a place to go that is away from him? (ex. a friends house, or a staffed public place that is open 24/7) Financial: do you have your own savings that he can’t touch or monitor, and a way to provide for yourself if you break up?
This should be true, if possible, for anyone (although sickness and disability can make some of them hard) but, your partner should do their best to make sure you have outside if you want them in any relationship.
I love the idea of saying to a partner “okay so I’m not going to be able to orgasm, but when I’m done with having sex with you I’m just going to do a backflip :)”
Oh, I miss drunk advice! Miss the silliness of it. Maybe you could do collabs with other parents and give advice in the sprit of drunk/spirit of sleep deprived. Maybe. I would watch!
Omg, I just realised I might have PMDD. I stopped my cycle with hormones years ago but it made me feel so relieved. My doctor recommended it due to pain but I might have felt dysphoria. This is great.
In regards to the "doubts" question: my own experience with that is that I've always had doubts throughout my relationships but chosen to acknowledge those thoughts then move on OR talk about it with my partner. It also depends on what those doubts are about. Are the doubts caused by wandering thoughts of "are we completely compatible?" or are they serious and recurring thoughts of "this specific thing they do is really upsetting me and I'm having doubts because of it"? If it's the former, I would acknowledge them and investigate if there's anything more but, if not, just move on from them. If it's the latter, that would be something to seriously investigate and bring up with your partner.
Thank you so so much for making this video and for everything you do to educate and raise awareness. Hearing about relationship doubt from other people was so reassuring for me. As someone in a 5 year relationship with a wonderful partner I find that my anxiety causes so much doubt regarding the health of our relationship and the long term, even though there’s no real reason behind those feelings. I think it’s an issue that seems so alarming but might actually be somewhat normal for people with anxiety.
something that i felt helped me get over a lot of having doubts in a relationship is trusting my partners and accepting that they truely care for me (even if im in some sort of funky headspace where i find it hard to see why) and i guess just like thinking of it as an act of trust and respect to accept their love ! i wouldnt want them to think i secretly hate them or anything so why should i doubt their love is as true as they say ? it also really helps having loving and kind partners who are willing and happy to talk through things if there ever is a doubt or concern that comes up :]
I definitely relate to you enjoying learning about ADHD. I'd heard OCD joked about a lot, but actually studying it as part of my Psychology A-Level (along with depression and schizophrenia) gave me a completely different understanding of what it looks like and how hard it can be to live with. However, that also means that whenever I hear someone joke about having OCD, I want to cry "No, you don't, you just like being neat!" It's my equivalent of the "It's not a pun, it's a play on words!" scene from Futurama.
I find it interesting that you said that the person with the higher sex drive is often considered as "normal" and the person with the lower sex drive considered as "the problem". While I don't doubt that's the case in a lot of discussions between some couples, that's not been my experience at all. As the person with the higher sex drive in several relationships, I've always been made to feel like I was annoying, unreasonable, that my expectations were unfair and essentially been made to feel like a predator for craving sexual intimacy with my own partner. I think it really depends on what the man is experiencing really: if the man has a higher sex drive then the woman is the problem for not making an effort, if the man has a lower sex drive then the woman just has unrealistic needs for wanting more (this was my experience). I know there's an expectation put on men to always be "up for it" so I'm sure there will be some men who disagree with the above statement, but any time I've been in a straight relationship that's how I've felt.
Agree. I an in a straight presenting relationship and my sexual desire is significantly higher than my partner’s. I feel exactly like how you describe in my sexual relationships. I think in general the men’s sexual desire is normalized regardless of how high or low. But we can’t negate that men are expected to naturally have higher sexual desire, and so when a woman surpasses the man in that respect, the woman is othered. It is because of that sexual script, why we are seen as weird, not in contrast to it. Acknowledging all these societal sexual scripts are interesting, even though I don’t fit into them. My experience doesn’t negate the general society’s expectations.
I would strongly encourage the 19-year-old to not date 30+-year-olds right now. I dated older people as a teen and I am now 30. Looking back, I am able to recognize that there was always an inherent problematic power dynamic there, even though I was very mature for my age and even though I thought I was an equal in the relationships. I would urge you to proceed with a great deal of caution. Also, I would recommend talking to a therapist (if that's possible & accessible for you) or someone trusted and wise to go deep into why you are attracted to older people and what you're hoping to get out of dating them. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to older people; it just might benefit you a lot to know the underlying reasons behind your desire so you can figure out if you'd be approaching those relationships in safe and sustainable ways. The fact that your question involves trying to figure out how to get them to take you seriously is evidence of the inherent power dynamic at play. You shouldn't have to get the people you want to date to take you seriously. You should both take each other seriously by default. Also I would question any 30+ year olds who *do* show interest in you about why they are interested in you and what their thoughts are about age gaps and how they will make sure that they are acting safely and appropriately within the power dynamic that inherently exists.
About doubts: I know that we're told that you should "just know" or "just feel it" when it comes to romantic partners but I believe that when you're having negative feelings, you should always look at the facts. What I mean by that is asking yourself questions like where do these doubts come from. Are there actually issues in your current relationship or maybe something happened in your past relationships that hardwired you to for example expect to be abandoned at a certain point and your brain is trying to protect itself from it. Another one is has anything changed in the relationship that made you feel doubts. Maybe your partner is treating you differently or you've developed a routine you're not happy with. These things can and should be addressed with your partner because you shouldn't feel like it's your fault that you're having these thoughts and therefore you must suck it up and deal with them alone. I've struggled a lot with commitment in the past because of my abandonment and trust issues (still working on those lol) and I found that talking to my partner honestly and going through it together, as a team, really helped and made our relationship stronger. I know, who would've thought communication is good 😅 But seriously, being vulnerable is a sign of strength, it shows your partner that you trust them and makes them feel more confident to be vulnerable with you as well so let them be there for you and tackle your issues together. Good luck to everyone! ❤
I've always struggled with bringing up these sorts of conversations with my partner; how would one handle bringing up topics like "everyone has crushes, even in a relationship" when the other person may be insecure or less sexually educated/open-minded? I feel like it would come across as threatening to my partner and he might shut down the conversation even if he may feel the same way as I do on certain things.
Maybe it would be easier to bring it up casually and start with risk-free examples such as celebrities. So when it can be dropped into conversation casually e.g. that someone in something you are watching is hot. Also maybe focusing on him first - "do you find x attractive?" or naming the top 5 celebs you each find attractive or who your teenage crushes were. I don't know if you would have such conversations already, but might be somewhere to start if not?
The 28 year old virgin submission made me feel so warm ❤I relate. I get the struggle so this was really nice to see on a sex related channel. I always feel so odd because I love the content but I’m always like 👀 uh never tried? 😂 sexual debut (with a partner at least) is a dope wording though 😊😂
*in response to literally ANY question*: TALK TO EACH OTHER! RESPECT AND SET CONSENT AND BOUNDARIES! BE NICE! XD ok no total oversimplification. I LOVE your videos! 💜💜💜
Sex and relationship therapist here! Love Gottman by the way! But I'd say doubt is normal. Because we all ebb and flow and things and life happens and we do sometimes question if we're still on the same path as our partner. But communication will help smoothen the doubt out (or may reveal real ruptures) but its best to ask to know
For the trans woman not able to orgasm with a partner, I wonder if that might be related to dysphoria, and having another person watching her or with her. Being in a longer term relationship (if that's something she's interested in) might help with that. In a long term relationship you have more time to become more comfortable around your parnter, and your partner has time to learn how your body works and what kinds of touch you like best. Either way, I'd recommend communicating before sex starts, like Hannah suggested, that you usually don't orgasm with partnered sex, but you can still enjoy it, and communicate throughout about what feels good physically and emotionally, so you and your partner can both be comfortable and enjoy yourselves.
I have my degree in Interpersonal Communication and when I hear you talk about John Gottmann, my heart skipped a little beat. He also did incredible studies on the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of negative communication and if the relationship would be happy and sustainable.
Sleep deprived Hannah is waaay more coherent than I am without sleep. The question from the 28 year old about virginity and Hannah's reply, reminded me of an interesting book I read by Hanne Blank, VIRGIN: The Untouched History.
I love you Hannah and love your vids so much! However while I do understand the point of ”your first time with a new person is always a first time” feels more like stab than comfort. I have had people say this to me before when I have managed to get the courage out and talk about my fears and it feels extremely belitteling and like my feeling of fear is not serious or doesn’t matter. Just wanna bring this up that this is not that good of a comfort
My parents are 16 years apart and had their 40th wedding anniversary this year. I also have a friend who I knew since primary school marry someone 25 years her senior. Both love ballroom dancing and cooking and have two beautiful girls together
Any chance we can get a video on how period phases affect productivity? If you have experience with that or someone who does. How do you feel about the whole concept of leveraging/optimizing your schedule to work better with your cycle? Do you think it's worth looking into or the gains are not worth the efforts?
I feel like everytime I've had doubts about a relationship I just wasn't really into the person or I was looking for something else/felt like I was "missing out". In my experience it has always been a good idea to move on 😬
To the person who is pregnant, please please PLEASE, all of you having babies, go on a paediatric first aid course. In the UK St John's Ambulance offer a course for £450. That sounds like so much money but it's life changing information. £450 to save your baby's life. It's worth every single penny and so few parents have the knowledge of how to save a child's life. Sorry to rant, I just work in childcare and have heard far too many stories + have seen far too many parents go to A&E unnecessarily because they don't have the basic knowledge of how to handle a situation. Rant over - best thing you could do during pregnancy ☺️
This is my first time hearing about PMDD and it seems to tick a lot of the symptoms I used to get around my period! Never had anyone put a name to that way I was feeling, but since being on contraceptives I haven't had any issues (I know contraceptive can be hit or miss for some people and may not help everyone). Quite intersting to know there is an actual medical name for it!
Freezing eggs- no no no!! or not without being very well informed first! I recommend the podcast episode The Guardian's 'Today in Focus' has done recently on this topic it's called Should you freeze your eggs?
There have been some small scale studies in the middle East that suggest fennel seeds are helpful for PMS mood stuff. I think it's a folk remedy there? I figured it couldn't do me any harm so tried it out and have found it makes a huge difference to me. Not sure if it would help with full on PMDD, but it might be worth giving it a try. I was at my wit's end when I tried it as I have a really short cycle and fairly severe PMS (wiping me out energy wise for one week in three and despair and weeping for 1-3 days pre period). So long as I remember to take it I barely get any PMS symptoms any more. I just get it in capsule form as I am not a huge fan of the flavour.
i’m only 24, but if i heard that someone my age was dating a 19 year old, my initial reaction would be “ew.” & id be worried for her. i know i personally have NOTHING in common with a 19 year old. i work with a few 20-21 year olds, & even then i feel like we’re from different planets.
The nuclear family is a scam! Had a baby in november and living with my family has been golden for the post partum period. Obviously not for everyone but we’re really enjoying being three generations in one house:)
are Hannah's videos audio very low for everyone? recently even using the highest volume on my phone or my computer the audio is really really low, and that only happens with her videos...
Hey Hannah, great to get two interesting videos on one day! Would you mind putting a note at the start if you're going to talk about suicidal ideation? Just so we know it's coming, thanks!
Can I ask why it bothers you in this context? She didn't really talk about it, she just referenced the term, so I guess I find it hard to see why that would be an issue, even as someone who has very much been there myself. I'd understand if she was going into any sort of detail, but she wasn't?
@@Louisyed I think because it wasn't fully relevant (if the question had been included without it Hannah's answer would have been exactly the same) but it's still comes as a shock and upsets me/derails my thoughts
It is valid as a young woman to be attracted to 30 year olds, but if you’re going for someone much older, you need to be mature, and understand who you are, your values, etc. it can be so easy for a young adult, 18-20ish, to be learning about who they are as an adult. And older people can take advantage of that, or even just sway your values or personality, even if it’s not intentional. I never was particularly attracted to older men, but I ended up with getting with a man that is 10 years older. But we met online, I commented to him first, and I was 22, and my personality and values were solidified. We have been married for 5 years. But if I had been any younger than 22 and graduating from college, I don’t think it would have been healthy for me to be with someone so much older.
@banquetoftheleviathan1404 to each their own. To me, reminiscing about a shared past when you were a similar age was not important. Everyone has a different view and experiences within the years they grew up, even if they’re approximately the same age, anyway. I took it to another level, because my husband is also from England. So we only have generic childhood experiences (that are very different) to bond over lol. Our current interests, values, and beliefs were much more important to us.
@banquetoftheleviathan1404 Fair enough, I appreciate you for saying that kindly. I totally understand that, I was worried at the time (in my last few years at college) that I would have to ‘mentor’ someone my own age (a potential boyfriend) to some extent, and I didn’t want that. I was careful to not feel belittled in my relationship with this older guy, and there are some things he knew that I don’t, but it doesn’t come up often in our daily lives, especially since we’ve been married for 5 years. Plus since he’s English and we live in the US, there’s a lot of things we both didn’t know. We both take accountability for our own tasks and responsibilities, which I think is the most important aspect to this. No one wants to nag or teach daily skills all the time.
To the person who suffers from PMDD. So do I, I don't know if this will help at all as not everything works for everyone. At the end of November, I went on fluoxetine (antidepressant) and I have found that although I can still feel the symptoms the week before my period, they are way LESS heightened than they were before. Unfortunately for treatment, it really is trying what works for you until you find it which I know can be really frustrating. I had also been on citalopram which personally didn't work for me at all and in fact actually made my symptoms worse. Every body is different so it's just finding what works for you. What I will also say is even though PMDD is a lot more common than people think, the likelihood is you will have to be the one to do the research and educate your own GP (which I know is not at all how it should be and is super draining). I would recommend the PMDD information on the mind website. It helped me get all the information I needed and is worded so clearly. So much love. It really does suck when you go through this every single month and the world somehow expects you to get on with your life as if you're not experiencing this. Xxx
I have a question if somebody doesn't mind answering... do you have to squirt to orgasm? Like does something have to come out or can it be muscular if that makes sense?
Hello i have question for you i have always what to get back at my ex boyfriend Morgan for two timing me in high school what happen if i was married to Morgan i start to see my ex stephen a again and i tell Stephen i what to affair with him to get back at morgan for morgan two timing without having sex but only seeing Stephen and texting him then meeting up with Stephen and only holding hands and kissing and hugging him and watching high school musical dvds without having no no no sex with him what what of type of affair would had be. Just romantic affair no sex one eww sex 1 emotional affair 2 emotional and physical affair without having no sex P.S it will never happen it only thought over it Thank you for your time from jess
I will say, dating a 30 years old man when you're 19 is not the same thing as dating a 40 years old man when you're 29, even is the age gap is the same. Maturity comes with time and experiences. When you're older you're less subject to grooming and/or power dynamic because you already have your own adult life. Which you don't have at 19.
two very long hannah witton videos in one day ?? well i'll be damned, what a treat
To the person who wanted advice on virginity at 28, I only had my 'sexual debut' at 27, and not having had sex felt like a massive weight on my shoulders before that. I also have friends who still haven't had sex and are a similar age to you. It's more common than you might think, but people don't talk about it because there's a bit of a stigma surrounding it. However, letting go of that is easier said than done. I at one point just started dating someone who I was really comfortable around, and felt ready to explore that. I was not in a committed relationship with that person, but they were poly, and therefore a great communicator. The slightly unconventional aspect to this relationship actually made me feel more at ease, because the pressure was off this being a 'normal' relationship. Another thing you could do is take PIV sex off the table if you've found someone you would like to have your sexual debut with. This and the great level of communication took all the pressure off, and just gave me license to just explore all kinds of ways mine and my sex partner's bodies could be touched. When I did eventually have PIV sex with a different partner, it did not feel like a big deal at all. All the other stuff actually felt way more intimate and because I had a really positive experience with this person, I was actually pretty sexually confident. Another thing that really helped was listening to Unexpected Fluids, a podcast from the BBC about everything that can go wrong during sex. Knowing that sex is often a bit clumsy, even for people who do have sexual experience, was a massive help. Also, listening to podcasts about sex where people are sex positive and open really helped me gain a vocabulary of how to talk about sex. Communication is one of the best tools you can have. Now I'm actually glad I didn't have sex until I was in my twenties, because I needed that time to be ready. I also skipped the teenage years of fumbling around having no clue about what to do, because I was armed with knowledge and had years to explore my own body first. (That said, fumbling around can also be very fun). Hope this helps!
I also had my first time at 27 in a one night stand and agree it was really not a big deal at all - i think "virginity" is often framed as something that changes you, but in my experience it definitely did not feel life changing at this stage in my life - which is to be expected! Similar to the person above, I like reading literotica (fanfiction, mostly, but a variety of depictions of sexual experiences) and I think it gave me a good frame of reference that was pretty true to life - I'm no expert, but if you're anxious about it, I feel like reading/consuming media is a good way to gain understanding without physical experience!
I was 26 and I'd definitely built it into a huge thing. I expected it would take months for me to be comfortable enough to do anything sexual with someone but turned out that when I desired them enough I could use that to override the anxiety. It was still definitely there, but my partner was very respectful, didn't make a bug deal out of it but did check in to make sure I wasn't doing anything I wasn't happy with. It might be helpful to think about what sexual activities would feel easier and you could start with the easiest. For me, pleasuring my partner was easier because I felt in control of what I did, whereas some people would feel more pressure to be good at it in that situation. Whatever works for you.
Also wanted to say I debuted at 27. Mine was with my housemate and involved about 8 months of getting to know each other and sexual buildup before it actually happened so we felt quite comfortable with each other. He didn't know at the time, and actually he was pretty chuffed about it.
When I was dating before that I would often send them a text a date or two in to let them know so they could manage their expectations if they still wanted to meet up. Was a good way to get rid of people who were only interested in sex.
Can I just say that calling the moment "having a sexual debut" instead of "losing your virginity"? Much better way to frame it. Not sure if it's been established or if it's your term but either way I'm stealing it! 💛
@@JudyCZ I think I heard it on a podcast somewhere, maybe from sex educator Alix Fox or Emily Nagoski?
I cannot finish with a partner, only with myself. I used to think that this made me a bad partner, but now I understand that I much *prefer* being a stone top and simply giving instead of receiving when with a partner! I know that this is not the case for everyone, but wanted to share my experience :)
I use to be that way either my first two partners then with my last two I actually started finished almost Everytime not sure why probbaly a combo of them actually caring more that I finish and actually trying to get me off and being more comfortable with sex after havei g it with a lot more people versus the first two people
I'm the same, I've never been able to finish with my partner (the only one I've ever had) even though they're attentive and put in effort to trying to make me cum. it feels like it'll never happen, I can only cum when I'm alone and I feel like I just have a huge mental block
Doubts: A good thing to do when assessing doubts is to cross reference them with real life things that have happened and be honest with yourself if you're feeling doubtful because of something real and possible or something imagined / informed by past experiences.
RELATIONSHIP DOUBTS, OMG I've got Relationship OCD, which is a super fun form of anxiety that takes any doubts about anything in relationships and ratchets them up to Level 17 all the time. One of the really hard bits about any form of OCD is that the intrusive thoughts are super distressing for the person experiencing them, and sharing them with other people (i.e. with confessing compulsions) can be pretty detrimental sometimes if the person you're talking to doesn't also have the internal experience of OCD (like when you spend weeks convinced that maybe you don't actually love your mother, for example). So therapy with professionals trained in the treatment of OCD specifically and/or OCD support groups can be super helpful if doubts feel like they're more than thoughts and are actually causing physical/mental distress on a debilitating level! Overthinking About You: Navigating Romantic Relationships When You Have Anxiety, OCD, and/or Depression (Allison Raskin) is a wonderful book and I will never not recommend it to everyone.
P.S. I cannot overstate how meaningful that ADHD video was for me! Thanks soooo much for making it ❤❤
Thank you for sharing! And I love the way Allison talks about relationships on JBU so will have to check out her book!
@@hannahwitton Oh wow, worlds colliding! JBU is one of my top podcasts, had no idea you were aware of them! (Although I guess it makes sense in retrospect.)
Highly recommend to any lurking commenters: Just Between Us Podcast, a variety show filled with heartfelt advice, ridiculous games, and brutal, brutal honesty. (Psst it's not actually that brutal. But it *is* honest, especially about living with mental health disorders, progressive politics, and inner politics in the queer community.)
Ordered the book straight after reading your comment - it sounds SO helpful. I'm also struggling with OCD in so many aspects of my life and am looking forward to reading more about it :) Thanks for sharing!
@@fitzroviasclown It’s so nice to read a book about OCD by someone who has OCD. My therapist and I talked about it almost every week while I was reading it because I loved it so much.
I’m sending you lots of OCD Solidarity Vibes; I hope the volume on the Brain Chatter gets turned down soon and that you find tons and tons of support ❤️
@@eringrasse7512 thank you so much erin! much love to you!
After fifteen years with my partner, I'd say doubts come and go. At different life stages and in different contexts I find myself periodically reevaluating, but generally I find that is more about me and my identity rather than if my partner is the partner I want to share life with.
I’d love Hannah to touch on how society views sex through a masculinised lens. Women are often told we’re “not broken” etc for differing sexually from men, but we rarely talk about how the patriarchy and consequently men perpetuate inflammatory views on sex, sexuality and how one should engage in said things. I think there needs to be more conversations had re the cultural and societal trappings of sex, relationships, women and how they all bleed into one another.
I think something that is so nerve-wracking and shameful about having relationship doubts is that it seems like anytime you talk to someone about it, they will always say "you need to break up".
I would recommend that anyone in a power imbalance (age gap, living in a nonnative culture, etc etc) should have an escape hatch. In my opinion, both of you should want this, because it guarantees you’re staying in the relationship because you want to, and not because you’re “stuck”. I would have plans to detect and escape at least the following three types of abuse. Emotional: do you have a social circle supporting you that does not include him? Physical: do you always have a place to go that is away from him? (ex. a friends house, or a staffed public place that is open 24/7) Financial: do you have your own savings that he can’t touch or monitor, and a way to provide for yourself if you break up?
This should be true, if possible, for anyone (although sickness and disability can make some of them hard) but, your partner should do their best to make sure you have outside if you want them in any relationship.
Two Hannah videos in one day? What it is, christmas? ;)
Enjoyed this one a lot, now off to watch the other one!
I love the idea of saying to a partner “okay so I’m not going to be able to orgasm, but when I’m done with having sex with you I’m just going to do a backflip :)”
"I am but a little monogamous bean" - never have I related to a statement more 😂
This is one of your best q&a videos yet! I appreciated the candor, and it felt very much like talking casually with a trusted counselor.
Oh, I miss drunk advice! Miss the silliness of it. Maybe you could do collabs with other parents and give advice in the sprit of drunk/spirit of sleep deprived. Maybe. I would watch!
Omg, I just realised I might have PMDD. I stopped my cycle with hormones years ago but it made me feel so relieved. My doctor recommended it due to pain but I might have felt dysphoria. This is great.
In regards to the "doubts" question: my own experience with that is that I've always had doubts throughout my relationships but chosen to acknowledge those thoughts then move on OR talk about it with my partner. It also depends on what those doubts are about. Are the doubts caused by wandering thoughts of "are we completely compatible?" or are they serious and recurring thoughts of "this specific thing they do is really upsetting me and I'm having doubts because of it"? If it's the former, I would acknowledge them and investigate if there's anything more but, if not, just move on from them. If it's the latter, that would be something to seriously investigate and bring up with your partner.
Thank you so so much for making this video and for everything you do to educate and raise awareness. Hearing about relationship doubt from other people was so reassuring for me. As someone in a 5 year relationship with a wonderful partner I find that my anxiety causes so much doubt regarding the health of our relationship and the long term, even though there’s no real reason behind those feelings. I think it’s an issue that seems so alarming but might actually be somewhat normal for people with anxiety.
something that i felt helped me get over a lot of having doubts in a relationship is trusting my partners and accepting that they truely care for me (even if im in some sort of funky headspace where i find it hard to see why) and i guess just like thinking of it as an act of trust and respect to accept their love ! i wouldnt want them to think i secretly hate them or anything so why should i doubt their love is as true as they say ? it also really helps having loving and kind partners who are willing and happy to talk through things if there ever is a doubt or concern that comes up :]
I definitely relate to you enjoying learning about ADHD. I'd heard OCD joked about a lot, but actually studying it as part of my Psychology A-Level (along with depression and schizophrenia) gave me a completely different understanding of what it looks like and how hard it can be to live with.
However, that also means that whenever I hear someone joke about having OCD, I want to cry "No, you don't, you just like being neat!" It's my equivalent of the "It's not a pun, it's a play on words!" scene from Futurama.
I find it interesting that you said that the person with the higher sex drive is often considered as "normal" and the person with the lower sex drive considered as "the problem". While I don't doubt that's the case in a lot of discussions between some couples, that's not been my experience at all. As the person with the higher sex drive in several relationships, I've always been made to feel like I was annoying, unreasonable, that my expectations were unfair and essentially been made to feel like a predator for craving sexual intimacy with my own partner. I think it really depends on what the man is experiencing really: if the man has a higher sex drive then the woman is the problem for not making an effort, if the man has a lower sex drive then the woman just has unrealistic needs for wanting more (this was my experience).
I know there's an expectation put on men to always be "up for it" so I'm sure there will be some men who disagree with the above statement, but any time I've been in a straight relationship that's how I've felt.
Agree 👍
Agree. I an in a straight presenting relationship and my sexual desire is significantly higher than my partner’s. I feel exactly like how you describe in my sexual relationships. I think in general the men’s sexual desire is normalized regardless of how high or low.
But we can’t negate that men are expected to naturally have higher sexual desire, and so when a woman surpasses the man in that respect, the woman is othered. It is because of that sexual script, why we are seen as weird, not in contrast to it. Acknowledging all these societal sexual scripts are interesting, even though I don’t fit into them. My experience doesn’t negate the general society’s expectations.
Yup, this has been my experience as well and definitely made me feel bad
love hearing your thoughts on everything its been super helpful whilst trying to figure out if what ive been going through is "normal" or not
I would strongly encourage the 19-year-old to not date 30+-year-olds right now. I dated older people as a teen and I am now 30. Looking back, I am able to recognize that there was always an inherent problematic power dynamic there, even though I was very mature for my age and even though I thought I was an equal in the relationships. I would urge you to proceed with a great deal of caution. Also, I would recommend talking to a therapist (if that's possible & accessible for you) or someone trusted and wise to go deep into why you are attracted to older people and what you're hoping to get out of dating them. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to older people; it just might benefit you a lot to know the underlying reasons behind your desire so you can figure out if you'd be approaching those relationships in safe and sustainable ways.
The fact that your question involves trying to figure out how to get them to take you seriously is evidence of the inherent power dynamic at play. You shouldn't have to get the people you want to date to take you seriously. You should both take each other seriously by default.
Also I would question any 30+ year olds who *do* show interest in you about why they are interested in you and what their thoughts are about age gaps and how they will make sure that they are acting safely and appropriately within the power dynamic that inherently exists.
About doubts: I know that we're told that you should "just know" or "just feel it" when it comes to romantic partners but I believe that when you're having negative feelings, you should always look at the facts. What I mean by that is asking yourself questions like where do these doubts come from. Are there actually issues in your current relationship or maybe something happened in your past relationships that hardwired you to for example expect to be abandoned at a certain point and your brain is trying to protect itself from it. Another one is has anything changed in the relationship that made you feel doubts. Maybe your partner is treating you differently or you've developed a routine you're not happy with. These things can and should be addressed with your partner because you shouldn't feel like it's your fault that you're having these thoughts and therefore you must suck it up and deal with them alone. I've struggled a lot with commitment in the past because of my abandonment and trust issues (still working on those lol) and I found that talking to my partner honestly and going through it together, as a team, really helped and made our relationship stronger. I know, who would've thought communication is good 😅 But seriously, being vulnerable is a sign of strength, it shows your partner that you trust them and makes them feel more confident to be vulnerable with you as well so let them be there for you and tackle your issues together. Good luck to everyone! ❤
I've always struggled with bringing up these sorts of conversations with my partner; how would one handle bringing up topics like "everyone has crushes, even in a relationship" when the other person may be insecure or less sexually educated/open-minded? I feel like it would come across as threatening to my partner and he might shut down the conversation even if he may feel the same way as I do on certain things.
Maybe it would be easier to bring it up casually and start with risk-free examples such as celebrities. So when it can be dropped into conversation casually e.g. that someone in something you are watching is hot. Also maybe focusing on him first - "do you find x attractive?" or naming the top 5 celebs you each find attractive or who your teenage crushes were. I don't know if you would have such conversations already, but might be somewhere to start if not?
I would also maybe question why you’re bringing it up, and let that sort of frame the discussion.
Yes, you are truly an exceptional human being . . can't help that I keep being impressed with your candor and forthrightness . .
The 28 year old virgin submission made me feel so warm ❤I relate. I get the struggle so this was really nice to see on a sex related channel. I always feel so odd because I love the content but I’m always like 👀 uh never tried? 😂 sexual debut (with a partner at least) is a dope wording though 😊😂
*in response to literally ANY question*: TALK TO EACH OTHER! RESPECT AND SET CONSENT AND BOUNDARIES! BE NICE! XD ok no total oversimplification. I LOVE your videos! 💜💜💜
Sex and relationship therapist here! Love Gottman by the way! But I'd say doubt is normal. Because we all ebb and flow and things and life happens and we do sometimes question if we're still on the same path as our partner. But communication will help smoothen the doubt out (or may reveal real ruptures) but its best to ask to know
For the trans woman not able to orgasm with a partner, I wonder if that might be related to dysphoria, and having another person watching her or with her. Being in a longer term relationship (if that's something she's interested in) might help with that. In a long term relationship you have more time to become more comfortable around your parnter, and your partner has time to learn how your body works and what kinds of touch you like best.
Either way, I'd recommend communicating before sex starts, like Hannah suggested, that you usually don't orgasm with partnered sex, but you can still enjoy it, and communicate throughout about what feels good physically and emotionally, so you and your partner can both be comfortable and enjoy yourselves.
I have my degree in Interpersonal Communication and when I hear you talk about John Gottmann, my heart skipped a little beat. He also did incredible studies on the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of negative communication and if the relationship would be happy and sustainable.
Past relationship trauma and mental health can cause doubts about current relationships definitely!!
Sleep deprived Hannah is waaay more coherent than I am without sleep. The question from the 28 year old about virginity and Hannah's reply, reminded me of an interesting book I read by Hanne Blank, VIRGIN: The Untouched History.
Well done on the asexual explanation! So many people get the explanation wrong
I love you Hannah and love your vids so much! However while I do understand the point of ”your first time with a new person is always a first time” feels more like stab than comfort. I have had people say this to me before when I have managed to get the courage out and talk about my fears and it feels extremely belitteling and like my feeling of fear is not serious or doesn’t matter. Just wanna bring this up that this is not that good of a comfort
My parents are 16 years apart and had their 40th wedding anniversary this year. I also have a friend who I knew since primary school marry someone 25 years her senior. Both love ballroom dancing and cooking and have two beautiful girls together
Any chance we can get a video on how period phases affect productivity? If you have experience with that or someone who does. How do you feel about the whole concept of leveraging/optimizing your schedule to work better with your cycle? Do you think it's worth looking into or the gains are not worth the efforts?
I feel like everytime I've had doubts about a relationship I just wasn't really into the person or I was looking for something else/felt like I was "missing out". In my experience it has always been a good idea to move on 😬
To the person who is pregnant, please please PLEASE, all of you having babies, go on a paediatric first aid course. In the UK St John's Ambulance offer a course for £450. That sounds like so much money but it's life changing information. £450 to save your baby's life. It's worth every single penny and so few parents have the knowledge of how to save a child's life. Sorry to rant, I just work in childcare and have heard far too many stories + have seen far too many parents go to A&E unnecessarily because they don't have the basic knowledge of how to handle a situation. Rant over - best thing you could do during pregnancy ☺️
This is my first time hearing about PMDD and it seems to tick a lot of the symptoms I used to get around my period! Never had anyone put a name to that way I was feeling, but since being on contraceptives I haven't had any issues (I know contraceptive can be hit or miss for some people and may not help everyone). Quite intersting to know there is an actual medical name for it!
Freezing eggs- no no no!! or not without being very well informed first! I recommend the podcast episode The Guardian's 'Today in Focus' has done recently on this topic it's called Should you freeze your eggs?
The backflip line really got me. 🤣
Happy hollidays Hannah! And may coming nights cure your sleep deprivation 🤣
There have been some small scale studies in the middle East that suggest fennel seeds are helpful for PMS mood stuff. I think it's a folk remedy there? I figured it couldn't do me any harm so tried it out and have found it makes a huge difference to me. Not sure if it would help with full on PMDD, but it might be worth giving it a try. I was at my wit's end when I tried it as I have a really short cycle and fairly severe PMS (wiping me out energy wise for one week in three and despair and weeping for 1-3 days pre period). So long as I remember to take it I barely get any PMS symptoms any more. I just get it in capsule form as I am not a huge fan of the flavour.
i’m only 24, but if i heard that someone my age was dating a 19 year old, my initial reaction would be “ew.” & id be worried for her. i know i personally have NOTHING in common with a 19 year old. i work with a few 20-21 year olds, & even then i feel like we’re from different planets.
The nuclear family is a scam! Had a baby in november and living with my family has been golden for the post partum period. Obviously not for everyone but we’re really enjoying being three generations in one house:)
"Maybe it's a backflip" Hahahahahaha I am creasing!
are Hannah's videos audio very low for everyone? recently even using the highest volume on my phone or my computer the audio is really really low, and that only happens with her videos...
SO EXCITED!! ☃️❤️❤️💚☃️☃️💚❤️☃️🎁🎅🏻🎁☃️💚☃️🎁🎄🎄🎄🎄☃️🎁🎁☃️❤️❤️❤️☃️🎁🎁🎁💚❤️❤️☃️🎅🏻🎁☃️💚❤️❤️☃️🎁🎅🏻🎅🏻☃️💚💚🎁🎅🏻☃️❤️❤️☃️☃️☃️
The best holiday gift ever!!! 💕
Hey Hannah, great to get two interesting videos on one day! Would you mind putting a note at the start if you're going to talk about suicidal ideation? Just so we know it's coming, thanks!
Can I ask why it bothers you in this context? She didn't really talk about it, she just referenced the term, so I guess I find it hard to see why that would be an issue, even as someone who has very much been there myself. I'd understand if she was going into any sort of detail, but she wasn't?
@@Louisyed I think because it wasn't fully relevant (if the question had been included without it Hannah's answer would have been exactly the same) but it's still comes as a shock and upsets me/derails my thoughts
Happy Hanukkah Hannah to you and your beautiful family xoxo 😚 🎁☃️☃️🎁🎁☃️☃️🎄🎄☃️❤️🎁💚🎅🏻🎁❤️☃️🎄🎄🎄☃️❤️🎁🎅🏻🎅🏻💚🎄🎄🎄☃️❤️❤️🎁💚🎅🏻💚🎁☃️❤️💚💚☃️🎄🎄☃️☃️❤️💚💚💚
Thank you for Advice Hannah your the best ❤️❤️❄️🤶🧑🎄🐻❄☃️⛄️🎄🐕🦌⭐️😊 Merry Xmas
Great vídeo !!! I would love to Watch more advice vídeos
It is valid as a young woman to be attracted to 30 year olds, but if you’re going for someone much older, you need to be mature, and understand who you are, your values, etc. it can be so easy for a young adult, 18-20ish, to be learning about who they are as an adult. And older people can take advantage of that, or even just sway your values or personality, even if it’s not intentional.
I never was particularly attracted to older men, but I ended up with getting with a man that is 10 years older. But we met online, I commented to him first, and I was 22, and my personality and values were solidified. We have been married for 5 years. But if I had been any younger than 22 and graduating from college, I don’t think it would have been healthy for me to be with someone so much older.
@banquetoftheleviathan1404 to each their own. To me, reminiscing about a shared past when you were a similar age was not important. Everyone has a different view and experiences within the years they grew up, even if they’re approximately the same age, anyway. I took it to another level, because my husband is also from England. So we only have generic childhood experiences (that are very different) to bond over lol. Our current interests, values, and beliefs were much more important to us.
@banquetoftheleviathan1404 Fair enough, I appreciate you for saying that kindly. I totally understand that, I was worried at the time (in my last few years at college) that I would have to ‘mentor’ someone my own age (a potential boyfriend) to some extent, and I didn’t want that.
I was careful to not feel belittled in my relationship with this older guy, and there are some things he knew that I don’t, but it doesn’t come up often in our daily lives, especially since we’ve been married for 5 years. Plus since he’s English and we live in the US, there’s a lot of things we both didn’t know. We both take accountability for our own tasks and responsibilities, which I think is the most important aspect to this. No one wants to nag or teach daily skills all the time.
I’m 28 and people under 21 make me uncomfortable and all my friends r at least 2 years older than me if they dated a teenager I’d be like oh hell no
hey hannah i love my dad
Welcome back….to…my..channel
Hands going crazy 😂ok
I love you, Hannah
Is better sleep deprivation or sex deprivation?
To the person who suffers from PMDD. So do I, I don't know if this will help at all as not everything works for everyone. At the end of November, I went on fluoxetine (antidepressant) and I have found that although I can still feel the symptoms the week before my period, they are way LESS heightened than they were before.
Unfortunately for treatment, it really is trying what works for you until you find it which I know can be really frustrating. I had also been on citalopram which personally didn't work for me at all and in fact actually made my symptoms worse. Every body is different so it's just finding what works for you.
What I will also say is even though PMDD is a lot more common than people think, the likelihood is you will have to be the one to do the research and educate your own GP (which I know is not at all how it should be and is super draining).
I would recommend the PMDD information on the mind website. It helped me get all the information I needed and is worded so clearly.
So much love. It really does suck when you go through this every single month and the world somehow expects you to get on with your life as if you're not experiencing this.
Xxx
Aunt Hannah!♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️ Love you!♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️
I have a question if somebody doesn't mind answering... do you have to squirt to orgasm? Like does something have to come out or can it be muscular if that makes sense?
You don't need to squirt at all! Some people can but I dont think it's that common 🤷♀️ i think an orgasm is technically muscle spasms
Leaving a comment for the agorithm
YOUR THE BEST HANNAH! Xoxo 😚 🎁💚☃️☃️❤️🎁🎄🎄❤️💚💚🎅🏻📖🎅🏻🎅🏻☃️💚❤️🎁🎁🎄🎁💚☃️💚🎁🎄☃️☃️☃️☃️💚❤️❤️🎄🎄🎁💚💚🎁🎁☃️🎅🏻🎅🏻🎁🎁❤️💚
Thinkpink 😅
Hi... Love your video... I have a UK based adult store and we'd love to have you do some reviews for us...
💖
Hello i have question for you i have always what to get back at my ex boyfriend Morgan for two timing me in high school what happen if i was married to Morgan i start to see my ex stephen a again and i tell Stephen i what to affair with him to get back at morgan for morgan two timing without having sex but only seeing Stephen and texting him then meeting up with Stephen and only holding hands and kissing and hugging him and watching high school musical dvds without having no no no sex with him what what of type of affair would had be. Just romantic affair no sex one eww sex
1 emotional affair
2 emotional and physical affair without having no sex
P.S it will never happen it only thought over it
Thank you for your time from jess
Thank you so much for all advice Hannah your brilliant! ❤️💚☃️☃️💚❤️💚💚🎁🎄🎄🎄🎁🎁💚❤️❤️🎅🏻💚☃️🎁🎁☃️❤️🎅🏻🎅🏻❤️☃️🎁💚❤️🎁🎄🎄🎁☃️☃️❤️❤️❤️💚☃️❤️
"Maybe it's a backflip" Hahahahahaha I am creasing!