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How to Not Resent Your Partner
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- Опубликовано: 15 авг 2024
- I've been thinking a lot about relationship maintenance e.g all the work that goes into keeping a relationship going. Surprising no-one, it's often connected to invisible labour and gendered dynamics in domestic coparenting so it's right up my street to explore 🕵️ What are your relationship maintenance strategies? Let me know in the comments!
MENTIONED IN VIDEO
The Mental Load by Emma*: uk.bookshop.or...
Fair Play by Eve Rodsky*: uk.bookshop.or...
Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again by Katherine Angel*: uk.bookshop.or...
CHAPTERS
00:00 - Intro
00:46 - “You’re telling me I actually have to work on my relationship?”
02:52 - “The system is fucked!”
04:16 - “You should have asked!”
07:24 - “You’re so much better at it than me!”
09:50 - “Leo Tolstoy was a productivity guru!”
12:02 - “What, you want me to use a condom?”
14:01 - “Is there such a thing as free choice under patriarchy?”
15:39 - “Sending you this video is labour!”
18:41 - Outro
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I remember being treated like I'd overreacted because I broke up with a guy I'd briefly been seeing because I walked around a supermarket with him and it felt like child minding. He was a full grown man and I had to help him find where the soap was in an asda. Never again, I still stand by that decision and I learned that nothing turns me off more than immaturity- I am only looking to be a partner, not someone's mum!!
Men never look for an equal partner. They model their future partner after their mum.
Do you think a man could change if it's communicated with them that they're being immature?
Mine was the same 3 years ago when we started dating and I am asking myself every day when and how to start moving out because it will never get better anyway 🥴
@@Rose-hh7mk if they want to. from my experience no one changes that doesn't want to. trying to force it does no good. if its a deal breaker then it is. if it isn't, good luck. i have no idea how to get someone to recognize the need to change and put honest effort into it. its different for everyone anyways. not that i can manage it with myself half the time
A few years ago, my older brother jokingly admitted that growing up he would pretend to be bad at chores so our parents would assign them to me instead. He genuinely didn't understand why that made me so upset. I really appreciate you bringing attention to this Hannah because I think a lot of cis men don't actually realize how behavior like this impacts the women in their lives
god i hope he doesn’t do that to his future partner
How could he not understand why that upset you?
I feel this. I have a memory of my father teaching my brother to pretend to be bad at chores so i would do them. He said this IN FRONT OF ME, like they weren’t even trying to hide it, just thought it was hilarious how upset i was.
Your parents should have dealt with that, made him do the chores properly and realise that everyone has to do them.
It’s why I’m single and happy. I can’t be bothered with the dtrsss.
I read Fair Play while I was pregnant, and it's one of the best things we did to "baby-proof" our relationship. It's great to get rid of the unspoken assumptions about who's responsible for what. We always joke that instead of arguing we say "let me direct your attention to the spreadsheet..."
Haha love that!
@@hannahwitton Of course you would, there's a spreadsheet involved! 😂❤️
@@smirbelbirbel she’s so predictable and that’s why we love her
My husband and I had a great conversation about the mental load when I asked him to use the time while I cooked to tidy up with our daughter. He was really happy to do it but asked me to take pictures of where everything goes so he could do it properly. We sat down later and talked about how giving me another job on my list doesn't support me. He can take responsibility to look in all the drawers and baskets and find out what's in there himself. Make notes or take pictures if it helps, but if I have to do it, it's not helping me.
Yes exactly!
Did you discuss beforehand, where everything has its place, and WHY. Or is just a servant who should do as hi is told?
@@karl104 cleaning your own house doesn’t make you a servant. The only reason he had to be told what to do was because he wasn’t already taking responsibility for it himself. If he doesn’t know where things in his own house go that’s on him, he’s a grown adult who can figure it out his wife shouldn’t have to spoon-feed him
@@karl104 I'm sorry, are you saying I need to explain to my grown husband WHY things need to be put in their place? What.
The fact that he did not already know where everything was and where to put things away himself shows that you had done a lot of labour prior to organize the house and been the one doing the cleaning/tidying
Would be so interested in a "relationship maintenence" series digging into prompts, check ins, strategies, etc. It could include guest thinkers! I woukd watch every episode.
Agreed!! Great suggestion
Would be so great!
Yes please!
Yes!!!
I would watch this so fast.
I’ve literally had the “why don’t you just ask me?” conversation with my partner and my answer was “because I’m your partner not your mother”
I have a disability that means I struggle to do most household chores so my partner does a lot of this, something I often feel guilty about. Your video has helped me realise that while I may not do most of the physical tasks, I do a lot of the mental labour, which helps me feel more like I do actually contribute my ‘share’ to the relationship
This is very relatable to me. Hugs💚
My other half and I sit down and answer the same set of questions every week. It’s honestly been a game changer. We’ve done it for 3 years now.
Questions:
What brought you joy this week?
What was hard this week?
Is there anything that’s gone unsaid - convictions, confessions or unresolved hurt?
Ask each other a question (could be anything)
What’s one thing you would like to do this week to aid your well-being?
How is our sex life?
How are we stewarding our finances?
Making sure we take time every week to have a proper conversation about ourselves and our relationship has been key to understanding who the other person is. It helps us stay curious and not assume we know everything about each other.
Having a dedicated space to bring things up that might be awkward is amazing too, because you don’t have to blindside the other person or ‘wait for the right time’. When you both sit down to do it (we do it on a Sunday) you are putting yourself in the headspace of being ready to talk.
Would recommend doing something similar to anyone in a relationship!
I love this!! Will definitely be trying it!
Wow! Just wow!
I love this! My husband and I have done a 'marriage meeting' (term from Pinterest) weekly as well for years. It's been an amazing opportunity to connect every week.
Amazing advice, thank you
Last saturday, my partner and I have done this with the help of your questions which we tweaked a little according to our needs and wishes. It was a good experience and I'm looking forward to this Saturday and to seeing how this goes. Thank you!
The main reason I fell in love with my partner and married them despite never intending to get married is the fact that balancing our chores & mental load is not just easy (most of the time) but FUN. Even writing this comment makes me feel giddy lol
Wait say more how did y’all do that 😂
Omg yes I love that!
I feel exactly the same way about my relationship. Never intended to be married but here I am, engaged 🤷🏻♀️
how how how😭
Stop this is such a cute comment i’m sending this to my friend
Hannah already being prepared for her kid being nonbinary and trying to get out of chores is the kind of energy I'd like to take into the new year.
Yes to everything about this video! Weaponised incompetence, unequal division of labour, the undervaluing of tasks and activities viewed as stereotypically ‘female’ - still such a massive issue in society today! I’ve seen so many heterosexual women take a ‘mothering’ role with their male partners which ultimately leads to relationship breakdown. Your partner should be your equal not your burden ❌
I didn't have a term for it, but I think I recently had to have that relationship maintenance conversation with my boyfriend. He's so relaxed and chill all the time, and he's a really content person. However this translates to him being fine with how things are instead of thinking of how to improve. I'm someone who needs newness and excitement, so finding the balance can be rough and it often falls on me to find a solution.
I'm the exact same! And then I worry that it's annoying or unreasonable of me to ask for more given that he is fine!
in the same boat with my husband 🙃
@@naomicarter6261 exactly!! It can be hard to own what I need
me tooooooo, omg thank you for this comment
This is a common issue with me and my partner as well. He will be like "bummer, that thing is broken" and shrug and move on, while I will spend 45 minutes trying to fix it. And the burden falls on me to do so, because, well, he thought it was fine as is
I love that I'm not the only person that says shock horror! On a serious note, my husband and I have a weekly business meeting (super exciting I know) where we have a list of topics we always discuss. They include calendar items, life admin, relationship feelings/goals/working wells or problems, finances etc. We are both responsible for bringing agenda items and updating our calendar together. I love this way of managing our relationship so so much! Either of us can call the meeting to be earlier but I love having a weekly check in for everything and actually lessened my anxiety about life admin etc. We often do the business meeting sat in McDonald's car park eating a weekly McDonald's with our phone lists and calendars to hand. Couldn't be happier with our system!
I’m taking notes 📝 😊
That's so cool, I love that for you thank you for sharing! ❤️
My bf and I don't really schedule these meetings, but we just have them from time to time, when we do our finances and our life admin as well
I'm obsessed with this!!!!
I love this video! It's why I'm so meh about ever marrying anyone. I also think the "but you're so much better at this" is related to the myth of the maternal instinct, which poses that women only seem to have a maternal instinct because we're pretty much socialized to always be mothering something from the time we're born (baby dolls, each other, barbies, etc).
Yessss!! And it does dads a disservice because they think they’re not going to be as good or intuitive parent as the mum before even trying!
my gosh hannah this was SUCH a well scripted video!! i've heard all these points so many times but never put together and phrased as well as you did it! amazing. i will absolutely save it for future reference
I think a lot of the chores/household inequality comes down to value, and more specifically how men vs women value house work. I think as women, we are taught (directly and indirectly) that how the house looks, and functions, is a reflection of us. Meaning that if it's not clean/organized/functioning properly, it means that WE are not clean/organized/functioning properly. Because historically that's just how things were. Therefore, we are taught to place a lot of value in a clean/organized home and because of that we just think about it more. For men (obviously I'm stereotyping here and I know it's not "all men"), there isn't really that incentive to keep a clean home or keep things functioning well, because there just isn't that many consequences if they don't do it, and they don't feel it's a personal attack against them, or a reflection of them, if they receive criticism.
I had to have a stranger in the house today and you bet I spent a lot of the weekend tidying and cleaning. The thought of someone seeing my mess is crippling. You are right, it’s like they are viewing my personality if they see the mess.
@@dees3179 i think providing a clean home is also a sign of respect. Clean and functioning amenities in the bathroom are a must (I'm shocked at the state of some people's toilets...) and i make sure to clean the floors so that my guests' socks don't collect dust. Other than that, i rely on my weekly clean.
Thank you so much for putting this into words! My (male) partner is generally fantastic at equal labour division for day to day housework but when it comes to cleaning for guests and that kind of thing I feel like we often have a disconnect over how important and necessary it is. This clarifies those feelings exactly! Also raises the question, am I actually overthinking how clean the house needs to be because of patriarchy? Interesting!
Damn. I feel so seen. My husband and I had a conversation like this last week. One of the things he said was “if it makes it easier for me to use, I don’t really care how things look”. I looked at him and was like “You have to respect, that that’s not my value when it comes to household maintenance/cleanliness and we have to find a middle ground”. My viewpoint definitely stems from my upbringing and belief that keeping a clean home is a reflection of me.
Cue everyone sending this to their partners 🤣
Ooh, I love this! ngl as a non-binary person I assumed watching this would be more like a 'curiosity'... why DO the straights seem to hate their partners? But you make a very good point that this happens in any gender dynamic if the level of communication about responsibilities isn't there. I can definitely see how this played out in my relationship with my ex. I'm now happily married, but this video still has good ideas and things to think about so that we stay that way! My wife is the "bread-winner" so I have taken a lot of the household maintenance mental load. She is currently between work, which seems like a great time to check in with each other and see what our ideal split of the chores and mental load are! I've also been pretty upfront with her that i'm burnt out from all the things i've been taking care of while she's stressed about work. Interesting, interesting! God i'm such a nerd lmao
I'm imagining that the perfect partner is a partner who likes the chores you hate, and where you like the chores they hate. Then you divide the workload in a way that you both feel that you get the best tasks.
What a dream that would be!!
doesn't sound very realistic tho. chores are not supposed to be "liked" - why else would they be called chores?
Sounds like me and my bf lol, i enjoy cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen while he will do the dishwasher, trashes, … just stuff that he doesn‘t mind but I absolutely hate doing lol
I have this with my husband. Not for all chores, some we both don't like, but they need to get done anyway :-) For example he hates doing laundry and I don't mind. On the other hand I hate vacuuming/mopping floors and he doesn't mind so it works well :-)
@@alveolate i mean, there's a difference between something you don't want to do but don't necessarily mind doing, and something you absolutely hate doing. is folding the laundry my idea of a good time? not really, but it's miles better than mopping the kitchen (which i absolutely hate, for whatever reason). vacuuming my own bedroom, however, is almost pleasant, 'cause i get to watch it become clean in real time. my experience of all these activities therefore varies wildly, even though they're all technically chores. like most things, it's a spectrum
I live in Finland where they recently passed a law giving both parents about 6 months paid parental leave just as I got pregnant
This is such an important video!! I've never had a long-term partner at 24, but having spent my late teens and early 20s watching Hannah and lots of other helpful RUclipsrs, I feel very well-equipped for when I do eventually meet someone I like 😂
Same girl :D
I think it’s important to mention disability here, especially in the context of weaponised incompetence. I am physically disabled and cognitively impaired, so my partner does most chores a lot easier/better than I do. That said, this video made me aware of the mental load I carry. I think that may have been invisible to me because of being raised feminine (I’m a trans man, my partner is a cis man). I’ve been feeling so guilty for not doing more, while not seeing what I already contribute. Thanks Hannah!
This is in my opinion one of your best-written and -delivered videos Hannah. Thanks for continuing to spur conversation among your audience and their partners. It's inspiring to see you make such good content right after having a baby!
Amen, I ended mine because I was doing all the emotional labour, suggesting everything at check-ins, having to chase my partner for money they very obviously owed me, and act as the mediator for family stuff all the time. It was exhuasting and made me resent him
Wow, I've never seen someone talk about this before but these are the exact experiences I had growing up with my siblings. There were a lot of household chores to be done due to my family having a lot of animals, and over the years, a majority of the work ended up falling on my shoulders. The mental load is so real, and also the weaponized incompetence and feeling as though I "might as well just do it myself" were something I frequently dealt with. It honestly did create a lot of anger and resentment in me during my teenage years, but I never had the language to express those feelings. Anyway, thanks for this great video! Definitely going to be showing it to my siblings😊
Good video, it's a very important topic. Maybe it would be better with a different title if it's intended to be the conversation starter? I feel like if I had issues in a relationship I wouldn't want to send my partner 'Why You Resent your Partner', maybe 'The Importance of Relationship Maintenance'?
When my husband and I moved in together I made it a point to do the "manly chores". I was out there weed eating when it was 100 degrees, I was fixing things, etc. I got asked by my mom why I didn't just let my husband do it I responded with "I'll be damned if I'm spending the rest of my life being the one to do the laundry." I feel like being willing to do the other half's genderized chores helped the conversation
great suggestion! I've started to volunteer doing yard work/snow shoveling for the same reason. that way my partner knows that i don't always have to be stuck in the kitchen while he waters the garden and rakes the leaves. now perhaps we can interchange tasks as needed, because we should BOTH know how to accomplish all the household chores if necessary!
In most cases this just results in women doing the 'manly' tasks and the house maintenance. The responsibility is not on women to work out how to get men to do basic housework/life skills. Women must work harder in this area, do more in this area etc. The responsibility is on men. Any man who need me to coach him, or demonstrate I can do manly tasks to do the laundry is not worth my time
And actually how often does the patio need weeding? Compared to household tasks. Its not the same level of work. Why are men so pathetic that they need us to show them we are prepared to weed the lawn or do DIY to grant their partners some basic respect. Sure I will do some of the DIY or whatever but I'm not making a point out of it so that my husband might respect my opinion and clean the bathroo.
@@giraffee11 I see where you're coming from, but I think it's a bit different when you're already in love and have built a life with this person, and have just fallen into the traditional "manly and womanly taks" over time. Also, It's a bit harsh to call men pathetic, and is probably alienating to those who read/hear stuff like this all the time. And idk about you, but being called pathetic doesn't really motivate me to want to improve myself. Like Hannah said, it's a societal problem imo, not necessarily just a personality trait/individual shortcoming.
@@jboudie if you need your partner to show they are willing to do DIY to pull your weight around the home then yes your personality is the problem, and yes it is a shortcoming. And actually if we've just fallen into natural man/woman roles then a simple conversation should sort it and I shouldn't have to prove I'm willing to cut the grass to get you to listen to me. It's a societal problem because many men believe in "women's work" and aren't prepared to pull their weight. It can only be a societal problem if most of society believe it
As my partner I'd expect you to respect me and my opinion when I tell you I am carrying the mental load, and I shouldn't have to pussy foot around you and placate you to make you carry out basic adult tasks. I don't really care about alienating men or phrasing things nicely so they listen, that's not my job and again it just puts the mental work back kn the women. "Men aren't pulling their weight because they feel alienated by your language, because you aren't being nice". Men aren't pulling their weight because their lazy and entitled, and women shouldn't need to constantly point this out or act a certain way to get them to behave like grown adults
This is such an important topic. The Financial Diet just released an episode with Eve (the author of Fair Play) discussing this! Highly recommend if anyone's looking for more info 🙂
Oh will have to check that out!
Having just moved in with my partner this year, knowing and implementing relationship maintenance has been so useful! We celebrate Christmas and both our families want to spend time with us so I made a Google form they can fill out for any holiday. Also has all the follow up questions like where would we meet, the time, if we need to bring anything or if they would bring anything. Saves so much time and also family drama since it's not an active conversation.
But YOU made this and had to come up with the idea... this doesn't hold your partner accountable for any of this as I'm sure you're now the one who gets the notifications and then has to make sure you're both there with any items, etc.
I love this video 😭 as someone who recently left a relationship it’s so validating to basically hear that what was upsetting me in my previous relationship was real. We weren’t even living together so there were no “chores” to split but I took on the VAST majority of the labor in the relationship, the checking in, the planning time together and activities together, the finding solutions to things that were upsetting me. It was very lonely!
Also now that I’m getting into a new relationship I am so excited about setting up a good foundation for a more equal partnership 🥰
You managed to put into words a lot of my inner pains and frustrations lol ❤ Although my partner has always been open to conversations about our feelings and the relationship itself, it's occurring to me that I was always the initiator. Same when it comes to our sex life. You gave me something to think about, thank you! :)
Really interesting video! Something I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. One thing I read related to the weaponised incompetence point is that women are much more harshly judged than men they live with regarding the tidiness,/ cleanliness of their home or organisation skills. So, because they’re aware of that, their standards are often higher to combat the risk of social stigma, which also contributes men being like ‘it doesn’t need to be that tidy’ and women giving up and doing it themselves. Another depressing element to the whole sorry tale 😭
I have been living with my partner for 5 months and this video describes EXACTLY what he does. I have to do all the planning, otherwise nothing will get done unless I ask him. Like, if I tell him the bathroom is getting dirty he will most likely help. But if I don’t say anything it could take 2 months until he realizes we should clean it!! I told him multiple times that this is mentally exhausting but he doesn’t seem to understand 😓
I can relate. After I tell him to do something that needs to be done he sometimes will take responsibility but it only lasts for a couple days then we are back to the same routine of me doing everything..
Not pretending that things discussed here don't happen from time to time as described, but as a man, I am the one initiating the couple check-in, talk about the rolling obstacles for the week, try and keep track of the finances. We try and divide the load, and shift it when the other is dealing with more problems. Constant communication is key. Men, unfortunately, are not mind readers. Also, "weaponised ineptitude is a boys game, men shoulder response abilities.
My mom always tells me some other mums were totally flabbergasted my mom would "just leave her kids with her husband for the weekend" as if he wasn't always our dad and perfectly capable of basic tasks like cooking and dressing his children....
My colleague told me her husband is 😢gonna watch the kids who had diarrhea the first time.. his oldest son is not even her biologic child and 12 years old and their father never alone cared for him while beeing sick since 12 years. What a baby. I took care of kids nappies when i was 8 so I tell all such men please I did with 8. You can manage. 😂
I'm so glad you brought up Emma's work on mental load !! I remember when she posted her comic on the internet (it was in french), it got a soooo much attention ! Everyone was sharing it and talking about it, and now the mental load is a well known concept in France. It doesn't mean that everything is better now, but a lot of women have now a word to express this exhaustion, a lot of men understand a little better what's at stake, and refrain themselves from saying "you didn't ask" or "you should have told me" ahah
33 years in, I can say that doing this sort of work early and well means that habits and expectations can be modified--sometimes drastically--though that does not happen quickly. The payoff is massive; issues that were mountains early on become non-existent later, or close to it. Not because you've given up and you're sleepwalking, but because your habits and expectations actually changed to be in sync and workable. There's a fake-it-till-you-make-it here; what will eventually be unconscious requires conscious effort at first.
This is SUCH A GOOD VIDEO. HANNAH + TEAM ABSOLUTELY SLAYED! Thank you for this!
agreed!!!!!
My partner and I use Asana to manage our chores and life admin and wow has it taken so much off my plate. Chores are set as weekly repeating tasks (split equally), and we have a monthly meeting where we add in random life admin tasks together. It’s been a game changer.
That’s genius. Now I just need a partner to do half of everything and I’ll be set!
Seriously though, that sounds really good.
My partner and I (also a cis hetero couple) "update our contract" at every major life change and whenever one of us feels like what was in place isn't working for us anymore. It's a great way for us both to feel appreciated for what we do, to not have one feeling overwhelmed and to realistically share tasks when life changes (job loss, becoming parents, etc.)
Love that! And yes life changes and circumstances will dramatically affect things!
7:14 Oh, yes! What's lately been playing into this inequality in my (F, cis) house is the fact that my job is easier than my (M, cis) partner's. Plus I just spent three months being unemployed meaning it actually made sense for me to do vast majority of the chores because I had the time. We used to be split around 60:40, now it's like 90:10. Plus I hate how much it's in my head that it should be my responsibility. I consider myself to be a modern feminist woman yet still I'm settling into the mindset of overappreciating (is this a word?) it when he actually does some chores. I'm mad at myself when the flat is messy, when food goes bad or when I forget to turn on the washing machine, I rarely think that it easily could have been done by my partner. I hate it. All of it, it's just a constant struggle. I'm firmly set on not having children until we sort this out, though.
The author of Fair Play has done studies into this topic and has found that in couples where the lady is a doctor and the man is a lawyer, she will do chores because her job is "more flexible." When the man is a doctor and the lady is a laywer, she will do chores because her job is "more flexible." Unfortunately, our society is set up in layer after layer after layer of reinforcement of this dynamic, and even if the couple themselves is working hard to keep things balanced, society brings many outside pressures for these couples to behave in a more stereotypical way. So try not to feel guilty for "falling into" this dynamic. It's hard work to buck societal norms.
@@theyxaj thank you for your comment. it made me feel a lot of relief.
In my last relationship I didn't realize how much work I was doing until my disability got in the way of my ability to overfunction. It was a slap to the face to realize that if I didn't plan dates, we didn't go out on them. If I didn't initiate calls, we didn't talk. If I didn't have the energy to drive to him, we didn't see each other. It was super embarrassing! It made me feel like I was the only one in a relationship, and he was fully in FWB mode, if even that. We had been together for SEVEN YEARS! Ugh I still get so mad when I think about all the effort I put into making that realization visible, and when I finally scheduled our breakup talk he was LATE. It was a perfect example of a larger pattern that he refused to change.
I'd send this to my partner if it had a different title. I don't want them to think i resent them
My dad once tried to act like he can't cook pasta when my mother was away and I visited him. I just pretended even harder- 'I don't know how to cook'. He preceded to make a rather elaborate meal for someone who 'didn't know how to cook pasta'.
Me and my other half both wrote a list separately of all the chores/jobs around the flat that need done and how often we think they should be done. We then decided together, who would do what and when. It felt like half the task was already complete and meant my partner wouldn't come to me looking for reward or positive reinforcement for simply helping to keep the shared household running
It's so wild that there is only two weeks paternity leave in the UK, as a scandi person in a wlw relationship, it's super important to me that both parents has the opportunity to be home with their child. We hope we will both be able to breastfeed (with induced lactation), but if not, it's still important.
In America there is usually none. Luckily for me my husbands job gives 6 weeks
Good morning you Hannah witton Perfect day you ☕☕❤️❤️🌹 ilove you
There is shared parental leave, but it varies greatly what that looks like and is generally unpaid.
Depending on the employer in the U.K. most birthing parents take six months and have the option to go to a year with no/half pay but still return to the job. I don’t know the exact figures. The real problems come in small business or self employed people and that is where the two weeks come in.
@@dees3179 six months is still.... not very much compared to the scandi countries. And it's at 80% of your pay where I live, most people can't afford to take unpaid leave.
For people who want to dive into this topic more, The Financial Diet did a video about this and had a podcast with the author of Fair Play where Chelsea asked some really good and thoughtful questions, including how progressive couples seem to end up falling into societal norms.
The video: "The Depressing Normalization Of The Useless Husband" ruclips.net/video/DOr21EFOyGI/видео.html
The podcast: "Solving The Problem Of The Adult Toddler Husband" ruclips.net/video/u6FfxfRMQkw/видео.html
Thanks for sharing!
Crazy timing! Just the other day i mentioned to my partner that I was so glad that the term weaponized incompetence has become more popular recently. I feel like it gives language to something so important, and you Hannah have just continued to give more language to that. Thank you!
I have so much hope for the next generations of women as they learn the mistakes we made not challenging these issues while ‘having it all’ and almost killing ourselves doing so! So we’ll articulated Thank you!
I read the notification wrong and thought it said “When you rent your partner “.😅
I love love this video but I don’t feel like I could send this to my long term boyfriend! Partly because of the video title (I feel like he’d get worried I was resenting him) and partly because the mental load of the conversation following is not something I think is manageable during deadline season 😅
I say this though fully knowing everything is relevant for me!! I’d love a more specific video on how you’ve tackled and talked to Dan about the mental load in your relationship 💕
Found this video of yours, and as someone who is trying to break out of letting my significant other take on the mental load, this video has been pretty amazing on highlighting how bad the issue is.
first tip is not going to be helpfull for most people: but I chose a partner who actually wants to be equal, is open to change and is not a huge man-child. second tip: regularly have a relationship check-in, talk about the week and have a structured way of bringing up issues and worries. IT.HELPS.A.LOT! third: talk with your partner, not ABOUT them. when you put it as a rule that you have to adress the problem with the person causing the problem, you will not waste energy with discussing it with other people. Anger is a good thing, if you get angry with your partner and instead of telling them, you go tell your mom - guess what: you lost the momentum. Go to the person who's annoying you, adress it with them, solve it immediately
I love this video!! You put words to relationship issues that I didn't have the words to use. I'm sending this to all my ladies.
Honestly, I don't think there is free choice under partriachy. I'm a femme bisexual dating a man, and I honestly wrestle with this issue every day. It does sometimes feel like no matter how amazing and understanding your partner is, there's always going to be huge parts of your life they're just never going to understand or appreciate, and that you can't ever separate your real desires from what society tells you they are, or what he wants even. I've kind of settled in the idea that my relationship is technically morally problematic in terms of my own beliefs, but I stay in it because I love him and I enjoy our time together. I think if I'd had this realization while single I'd have stuck to dating women, but because I'm with this particular person, I'm content in it. He does do a lot of physical and emotional labour in our relationship including sexually, we communicate pretty well, I rarely feel we're not on the same page, he's very thoughtful and intentional about things. The only stuff that kinda gets brought up regularly is that I'm usually expected to organize our meetups with our mutual friends, dates etc.
In my relationship I have to admit it’s the other way round. I‘m very clumsy and grew up in a home where there wasn’t much cooking, while my bf’s mum cooked a lot and he is a bit older and so he lived by himself for a longer time. We don’t live together, but I spend every weekend at his apartment and have a lot of my clothes there. He usually cooks, or we do it together, because when I do it alone I often make mistakes and it takes at least twice as long. And when we do it together he sometimes gets frustrated, because I don’t just do something and always have to ask. I also try to do some chores, but often I forget and only do them when he asks me to. I really try to improve myself and I think it will get better once we live together. And since I realized that acts of sevice is a very important love language of my partner I am working on it even more.
Our love life is also not so usual. My drive is much higher than his. Maybe there is some kind of connection between those things, because I read that the reason women often aren’t in the mood is because they don’t feel appreciated enough because the man doesn’t help enough.
This video is IT!!!!!! Absolutely a home run, everyone watch this video!! So comprehensive and engaging!!!
Calander download a must.
We made a Google calander with our weekly tasks around the house so (for example) last night dog weed on the floor and bins needed to go out so we decided who wanted to do what then did it - team work. Another example water stopped working this morning, partner getting child 1 out the door so I sorted that out. Communication is absolutely key here. Great vid 💜
Thank you for putting a word to the idea of a 'mental load'. It's validating to hear other's challenging the patriarchal ways of thinking and making it clear why we can feel burnt out because if it. My husband is amazing, he has the biggest heart & we always split the chores. We're opposites, he has ADHD so can find chores challenging, whereas I'm organised (sometimes too much). But yesterday I came home from working late and he made favourite meal & washed up. Relationships are about sharing the responsibility of chores, but also knowing when your partner has had a rough day and to pick up some of the slack.
As someone with ADHD these conversations always make me feel uncomfortable. Because my ADHD makes me bad at a lot of “adult” things and that puts more pressure on my partner. I try but often fall short. So if you have a neurodivergent partner please be patient with them.
I was thinking about this during the video as well. If anyone has tips for navigating relationship maintenance within the context of ADHD, please let us know! ❤️
Meanwhile men with completely insane partners just have to "man up".
Hellll yes. Both me and my partner are neurodivergent, he has adhd and I got a mix of other things as well. And fair play works amazingly, as long as we have judgment/blame free conversations, we both put in the table what is most difficult for each other when it comes to details, and make sure that our feelings comes before the organization itself. Mostly, the best way to organize is when we do all tasks in a same room together (for instance, in the kitches, he cooks while I clean the dishes etc)
@@glauciamsq that’s good to hear
While my partner hasn’t been diagnosed with ADHD he does display a fair amount of ADHD behaviours/characteristics so “just remembering to do it” really doesn’t work for him for most chores. I think we’re still working towards balancing the mental and physical loads, but one thing that has been working for us is doing a “big clean” once a month. So on that day we will both spend the day cleaning and it makes sure the important stuff gets done more regularly without me nagging repeatedly.
May not work for everyone or completely solve the problem but it might be something to try!
Seen Method and Fawcett society recently did a campaign called the clean up prenup, highlighting the disparities in household chores, just soo on par with what you discussed! ❤️
I cannot begin to explain how perfect this video is. Literally EVERYTHING spoke to me. It's like you've been watching my life through the walls 😂 Hannah Witton yet again putting all my confused, frustrated thoughts into tidy wee bails of clarity🙏
"Sending this video is labour!" - YES! Great video, thank you very much, Hannah
Thanks for making this video Hannah it’s validated a lot of my feelings about my relationship and made me realise I’m not going mad! It’s super difficult at times having these conversations as my partner is autistic and doesn’t always pick up on signals or understands why I’m feeling upset about unfair work loads etc. Will definitely show him this video!
Parenting isn't 50/50, things aren't working if you're trying to go for 50/50. Parenting needs to be 100/100. Everyone has to be giving it their all, what their all means is different for each person, but if they're not giving it their all the family will suffer.
How do you handle mental load when your partner has ADHD, specifically lots of trouble w/ task initiation and planning? He can definitely execute either with my prompting or on his own after a *long* while of things being disorderly. It’s quite a challenge to both keep in mind that he’s dealing with a legitimate executive function disability and will need assistance while also figuring out how not to be at the mercy of said disability when I become overwhelmed (and occasionally resentful) by the mental load of it all. Traditional gender norms/roles certainly play a part and so does mental health and figuring out how to lovingly navigate that is hella tough at times! 😅
I'm wondering the exact same thing!
I'd really be interested in seeing how some of these ideas intersect with disability. Because every video, and source on this topic I come across is framed as if both partners are able bodied. Which isn't always the case. I don't know if I'm just looking in the wrong places or if it's just not out there.
I've gone from a fairly even split to doing 90% of the housework while working full time, because my partner just isn't able to contribute the way they used to. I do sometimes catch myself feeling resentful because I'm tired a LOT of the time.
If anyone else out there feels like this, what's helped me is reframing that resentment a bit. I resent the disease for what it's done to them, not them for not being able to help as much anymore. Just making that distinction has changed it from a conflict between us to a shared mutual enemy. Which might sound a bit dramatic but does help us emotionally understand each other better.
It's had an impact on sex and intimacy as well, but that's a whole other topic.
Jessica Kellgren Fozard has a vid about this and shellrowe just did a doc w channel 4 about balancing caring dynamics in a relationship x
@@GiFloDotComThanks, I'll see if I can find it.
The best thing I think my partner and I did and continue to do in our relationship is make the effort to learn and understand the other person’s communication style. I am definitely a process things by saying them out load person and he’s more of a process internally until they have a coherent thought to share kinda person. It’s important that we know that neither option is ‘better’ but that by understanding the other’s style we can communicate better. Kinda similar to the logic behind knowing love languages in a relationship. Highly recommend!
Some things I'm trying to make my husband more aware of to share the load is pur kids wardrobes, we currently have a 7 month old and a 3 year old and making sure everything fits them, is the right season, buying new things if needed is such a big job at the moment that he doesn't always see as I'm on mat leave so happens when he's at work but needs to be something we both do in general.
So excited to watch this video! I’m pregnant and had a melt down the other day - I wrote my husband a letter telling him how I feel and he hasn’t brought it up yet. We definitely need to get better at communicating 🙈
That's awful, I'm sorry he hasn't brought it up. I think you'll have to bring it up face to face.
Pregnancy is such an intense experience, and can feel really hard and overwhelming even with plenty of support.
I wish you all the best and hope you're able to work on positive communication with your partner.
Good on you for taking the initiative and letting him know how you feel. Those conversations can be hard, but are so important and helpful. Especially with a baby on the way - good communication is a great tool to take on this exciting challenge!
Perhaps it might help to get some outside support to accompany you two in learning these skills (such as a professional counselor or someone you feel comfortable with) ?
Best of luck!
"Enter the patriarchy..." *Immediately gets ad*
"Hi I'm Ryan Reynolds."
Incredible 😂
Almost nothing about this was new to me but I still thoroughly enjoyed you talking about it!
Thanks for the video, Hannah! I've seen some of The Let Down (yay Aussie TV) and I thought it was really trying to represent the issues faced by mothers in real relationships, and how frustrating it is for mothers whose husbands can't look after their own kids.
This video reminded me of the book The Wife Drought by Annabel Crabb, where she talks historically wives did all the invisible labour that allowed men to have successful careers, but even though now women are more free to have their own careers, they're still doing all this work.
this is such a great breakdown of this complex issue amd how gender plays into it! thanks for sharing :)
It also rang really true for me as someone in a friendship/roommate situation that falls into a lot of these traps. my best friend is afab, but we struggle with these issues as well, with alot of this labour falling to me. for us it's not gendered expectations, but rather knowledge and spoons which I tend to have more of both. they have adhd and werent taught house things as a kid, so while I respect why this is a struggle for them, the resentment is real as I have ended up taking on alot more around the house. the advice of making the invisible visible is a good one for all relationships and it's the only thing that has helped us make things more equal.
I'd love to see a video on relationship maintenance for other kinds of relationships and the way other issues like mental illness can factor into unbalanced relationships
YES to the last sentence! Totally agree, that would be a great video topic.
This is interesting watching as I'm a lesbian and have a long term girlfriend. It definitely makes most of the gendered part irrelevant but relationship maintenance still is a thing of course! I'd say the differences for us are due to personality vs gender since we're both girls. I am more emotion-minded and have been in therapy for YEARS so I do a little more relationship maintenance due to that. It hasn't felt unbalanced though so far
I am in a similar boat. My partner of seven years and I both identify as women and I find the division of emotional labour hasn't been impacted by gender roles but rather differing childhoods and how emotions were discussed amoungst family.
The best video of yours I've ever watched! So relatable all you have said! I am definitely sending this to my partner..we are not living together yet and 100% the reason is that I'm terrified I will resent him for not doing his fair share (even if he assume me he will "help and not leave me alone with that"...by the way he phrases it I'm already angry and resenting 😂)
The whole call mom first thing makes me angry. Growing up I would always ask the school to call my dad because his schedule was more flexible. They would still call my mom who would then have to call my dad to come get me. As a teacher, I try to pay more attention to who is first on the call list.
I truly never understood the “but youre better at it” excuse. Nobody is just born better at dishes or budgeting. They spent their lives learning and growing to get to that point. You can be just as good at dishes if you practice loading the dishes??
I understand there are some circumstances where a disability or mental illness may affect that, but then its no longer “you’re just better at it!” Its, “my adhd makes it difficult for me to focus on budgeting for long periods of time, lets discuss if there is a better division of labor available to us.”
It's cool watching this because my cis male fiancé is a gun at chores. When we moved out he was the one who taught me how to do a lot of chores (thanks to a not-so-great relationship with my birth giver; who was my full time carer growing up) and he also taught me to cook. I find that I often lean on him to delegate tasks and watching this makes me want to share more of that delegation load and have a chat with him about how he feels with what the current set-up is. We already try to split task evenly with some exceptions like he does all the laundry (because I get overwhelmed by it) and I do all the vacuuming and mopping (because his ADHD means that he really hates the noise of the vacuum). But I definitely know he reminds me to tidy the lounge and asks if I can do the dishes more frequently than I should be asked so that's something I know I want to be mindful of and work on going forward. We've started doing a fortnightly meeting/check in together so I'll be adding this topic to the list of things to bring up. With planning a wedding now on the horizon (eeeeee
"Tomorrow Sex Will Be Good Again" literally changed. My. Life. Every sentence made me feel seen and validated in a way I deeply needed. 100000/10.
SAAAAAAAAAME
Thanks for this video Hannah, after I watched it I watched it again with my partner and it led to a really healthy conversation between us. I think being aware of mental load before it leads to resentment is so important. Thanks x
Brilliant video, Hannah. I just wish this had a different title as it feels quite combative to send this to my partner, I worry the title would get their back up before they get to absorb the excellent content of the video.
I stumbled upon all of these concepts on social media before, some are even regulalry reoccurring in my feeds. But I never had them so cohesively put out before. Great job, Hannah! Your video really brings it all together in a well digestible, humorous and not indoctrinating manner.
I’m trying to learn better emotional skills before I get back into dating and this video has been sooooo helpful. I was never great at relationship maintenance and voicing resentment or my needs. It’s nice to have a video talking about the hard work that goes into keeping relationships running.
If I had seen your video a year ago, I might still be in a happy relationship. Incredible eye opener. You’re really pinpointing it. Saying things, that I as a woman experience, but just never was able to formulate and really understand until now. Thank you.
On a side note, adore the book colour scheme. I shall be using this as inspiration! Much love. X
Thank you so much for making this video, this is something i mentally struggle with in my relationship. I feel like i totally mange the labour within the household chores, i'm going to be looking through the comments now to see how i'd start the conversation, when i try to bring it up now i'm just "trying to cause an argument by wanting him to do more around the house.
absolutely watched this and realize this is exactly why my last relationship fell apart ! (im in a much happier and more equal relationship now dw)
i really felt like i was going crazy and like i was somehow being a bad partner by asking my partner to do more in the relationship like besides doing uni fulltime i was also in charge of cooking every meal, doing groceries, doing dishes, cleaning (EVEN where my partner was working would still be a mess i would have to clean). the list of horrors is endless and im glad im done with that and im not in a relationship with people that put in more work to keep our relationship happy and fair and loving
I want to add that patriarchy and misogyny aren't good for anyone, including the very people it's supposed to benefit--male, cis, hetero WASPs. While, of course, no one would ever claim the damage done is anywhere near the level of what's routinely done to non-WASPs, patriarchy and misogyny still adversely affect WASPs, too. They tell men what they should and shouldn't want, out of life, from a romantic partner, and everything else.
They say that if the male in a cis hetero relationship wants to devote time to parenting, they're not only "wrong" for that, but somehow "less". If they're attracted to women who are truly their equals in every way, they're "wrong" and somehow "less". If they want a partner to *be* a partner and not an unpaid house maid, they're "wrong" and somehow "less". They become shamed and ridiculed by society, and because no one reacts well to shame and ridicule, it's difficult to stand up to it so the cycle continues.
That's what makes this advice even more important. Absolutely no one truly benefits from the system in place, so everyone remembering these tips can only be to the good.
Hannah what a great episode! thank you for putting tags to situations I have been experiencing and witnessing my whole life
I absolutely loved this video!!! 🧡🧡
It made me think a lot about my own relationship and I feel like it gave me the words or concepts to be able to explain my feelings better to my partner about how we manage our chores.
I don't 100% agree with the "you should have asked" problem. I'm neurodivergent and so is my partner, neither of us will see what needs to be done before it's a problem so to avoid that I need to make a to do list anyway. I solved it by making it on a white board for the week and also add what's planned for dinner that night to avoid the age old problem "what will we eat today" by attacking that problem once a week for 7 days instead of having to do it every day. If I were in a situation where I wouldn't forget half of the chores that I should do I'd probably use something that I print out, put in a plastic folder and have a whiteboard marker next to it so he doesn't have to feel like I'm nagging and neither does he have an excuse of not knowing what he should do. Also not everybody has the same level of mess that they can stand before they need to clean it up, what's normal for me might be a reason to scream for someone else so by agreeing on some type of schedule (either written down or just a verbal agreement) on how many times a week/month/year certain chores should be done and who should do them is better than just hoping for the best and assuming your partner will do things when he sees it just like you do. Same for not doing things in the way you expected it to go, just ask if he misunderstood the task or if you should simply show where items are or walk him trough it once by telling him what to do every step of the way instead of showing him by doing it for him. Communication is everything, if I can do it I bet neurotypical people should also be able to figure this out.
Puh, batteling this right now. I booked my partners sport courses, since he can't manage to remember. I "manage" most of the household chores. I initiate all the conversations about our relationship and sexlive (and do most of the talking since he doesn't know how he feels). I encouraged him for over a year to finally start therapy for his social anxiety. I organise holidays only to feel bad about him not liking our plans for the day. Well, and I am seriously considering breaking up with the man I wanted to marry and have kids with because of this.
Why did you want to marry him?
I say leave, sounds like a chore. Partners are suppose to add value not make themselves a constant chore. Enjoy life, you had a life without him don’t forget that❤️ hope you’re doing good!
I love this video and I will send it to my partner. We are now dating and do not live together, but I have lived alone for four years and he still lives with his parents who do a lot for him. And it scares me that he might not realize how much effort it actually takes to buy groceries, do dishes, laundry, clean because it is done for hime. His response is, it's not difficult I will learn it, but I do hope we can divide that work evenly and if not either more to mine or to his plate, that we will appreciate each other for the work they are doing.
I for one am very grateful to both my parents and grandparents for showing a good example of communication based relationship dynamics and that if you dismiss your spouses domestic work, getting soaked with the contents of a 1.5l soda bottle is one of the possible consequences 🤣
Thank god that I was raised by a feminist dad who taught me this should be an expectation and a need in a partner
I feel like this conversation is so prominent in my time line for the last year but another conversation that is related is the amount of people that are told to lower their standards because they won't find or maintain a partner with this expectation
I honestly don't have a solution because the people saying those things aren't usually in feminist places but this is so common and so damaging that I think we need to open this conversation in a larger capacity
I really hope this video goes viral! Excellent!
I really needed this video today. Thank you Hannah ❤️
This was a really excellent video. I am very aware that I take on most of the mental and physical load of chores and planning etc in my relationship, but I hadn't thought about the whole planning for better sex, researching sex and relationship stuff, buying sex toys stuff as part of it too but it so is. I am in a lesbian couple though so it's not a classic gendered relationship thing, which I think almost makes it harder to voice - I could imagine myself getting more frustrated with a man than I do with my partner. I'm not very good at bringing stuff up so there have been points where I've started to resent her but it is tricky - for whatever reason, my partner missed out on all the gendered education as a kid, so I am better at all the chores, and the planning etc and as much as I want her to do them too, it's so much easier for me to do them. It is something that worries me for having children, cos I just see everything getting so much more magnified - esp as I want to be pregnant. Guess I have to organise a relationship check in !
this video made me so frustrated yet feel so seen!!!! part of my major issues in my last relationship was that it seemed like I was doing 90% or more of the mental load. I was the one who constantly had to bring up conversations or remind him of things that should be obvious. Just because your family infantilized you by allowing you to "not be good at chores" doesn't mean I'm going to allow those habits to continue. Also when you are the only one who ever brings up improving the relationship/intimacy and they seem completely uninterested in changing anything because "everything is fine" it makes you feel like you're creating problems that aren't there and being difficult when really you just want your pleasure and needs to be prioritized for once. This sorta stuff frustrates me SO MUCH !!!! as a queer person, this is part of the reason why I think I am more attracted to women because I have never once had to mother a woman that I was interested in. They already knew how to use a dishwasher without assistance etc.
PLUS when I brought up these concerns to friends they dismissed the issues I was having as not that serious because we've all been so indoctrinated by the patriarchy and heteronormative relationships that they thought it was completely normal that I was bearing the brunt of the mental load