When Betrayed Spouses Are Perceived As Needy Or Codependent
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
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Samuel discusses the mindset of some unfaithful spouses and perceived codependency.
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Move back and pursue you. You can want to hold on to the Unfaithful’s skirts or pants without actually letting them know. Feel desperate without acting desperate. Start getting your life together by focusing on your healing. You will feel better about you and that’s empowering!!!
If they want the marriage, they will do their own work. If you lose the marriage, but restore your soul than you still ultimately win.
You just described a narcissist!? Forgiveness to a narcissist is permission to hurt you again.
This is so profound and a relief to hear. My unhealthy and unfaithful spouse is taking me for a ride and I need to take my power back. Thank you for sharing.
So true. My wife has done exactly that. she kept leading me to the slaughter until I started getting healthy started setting healthy boundaries and refusing to allow her to overstep my boundaries. She is still overstepping my boundaries to this day which is why I am separated from her. She didn't have just one other man she had many other multiple men and actually told me one day that she could have sex with other men and still make me happy. I will not go back to a relationship with her until she becomes healthy cleans out all the toxicity from her life. I pray everyday that her heart changes and she becomes healthy not just for me but for herself.
dm j, proud of you. i know it's a tough road to walk, but proud of you for standing up for you and your own healing.
On behalf of other betrayed men, focus on your own healing, set those boundaries and make known the consequences and then the hardest part…enforce those consequences but I really believe that it will be slightly easier to enforce those consequences if your on a path of healing. I do hope everything has worked out for you buddy.
Hang on the brother
This is so true! My husband gaslighted me and said extremely cruel things to me. I received emails that just crushed me. It wasn’t until I stopped reacting and started getting on with my life that things began to change.
It has taken me almost 2 years of doing all the wrong things to finally work up the courage to set my boundary, give my ultimatum and know that it is not an empty threat. I’m fully prepared to leave my marriage now. Does it hurt? Yes. But it hurts more to lower my values and allow my needs and safety to go unmet for the sake of simply keeping a man in my life who does not respect me and who does not value me. He definitely sees me as the woman you described. He does not believe I’m actually leaving him this time. Me and my daughter will be gone before he comes back from his deployment. He is not willing to give me the transparency and be safe for this marriage. I doubt that my leaving will initiate anything or cause him to wake up, but that’s on him. He will be a part of his daughter’s life forever I hope, but now he will not have his family together like he claimed he wanted.
How did it go?
I don't need him. I sure do miss him though. I feel it is over, and I am trying to find myself in it again, but it is hard.
100% agree. As soon as I said I want a divorce. He came back, crying and begging on his knees.
It's funny that I had this discussion with my US just last night, then open up my phone to your message to me the BS. I made the mistake of saying that I'm feeling needy, in the since that I wanted more from him, something that I expressed before and wasn't getting. I am in 3 mos. of disclosure and went immediately into counseling. We both want marriage but the episodes of triggers and not feeling safe is with each other has me concerned about our progress. Your message has definitely given me something to think about in my path to healing.
Thank you, your vlogs are really helping me through this process. Shared with US but he only listened to 1 vlog and said it didn't apply to him.
When does the cheater finally wake up and realize what they did was wrong and how long do I have to wait?
depends on the help they've received and the recovery work they've done. when you use an expert resource and experience, this is somewhat of a normal timeline: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/2010-03-timeline
Samuel such a powerful message, thank you! 💕🙏💕
very welcome my friend. great to hear from you.
This is so important to hear. Thank you
Superb explanation, get the power back.. chose them with set boundaries and ultimatum of on the spot leaving if they ever try to hurt your feelings
Hello Sam,
What is it if you are a man, and feel you are too needy, but you're unfaithful woman reassures your worth constantly, and you know she loves you. Yet, she stills tries to justify her actions? Also, what if she wants to remain 'friends' with the 'other guy,' just because she say's that it can go back to a platonic relationship. Should I demand that she cuts ties with him? Or be willing to trust her again? 7 year relationship, and we have spent 3 long distance, if you have advice on long distance, please help too. Thank you!
aargeta thank you for the comment. it's really the best move to have her cut ties altogether. there can't be any trust without a 'zero contact' rule between her and the affair partner. long distance relationships are hard enough, let alone if there is infidelity. trust is earned over time with consistency, honesty and rigorous openness. hope that helps my friend.
aargeta thank you for the comment. it's really the best move to have her cut ties altogether. there can't be any trust without a 'zero contact' rule between her and the affair partner. long distance relationships are hard enough, let alone if there is infidelity. trust is earned over time with consistency, honesty and rigorous openness. hope that helps my friend.
Your videos are helping me so much thankyou.
Just what I needed to hear
Hey Sam again God is doing a great work and giving great comfort through your ministry. I am in a struggle and cant seem to get help. We have tried several councilors for 2 years but not gotten much help. Can you tell me where to start looking for help with betrayal as I want to bring trust back into our hopefully Christian marriage. Is there other resources I can access? Thanks, Joe.
why don't you email me at samuel@hope-now.com and we'll talk through next steps and suggestions.
I thanks this helps so much
This is great advice
How do I get healthy as a betrayed spouse ?
this course will help: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope this free bootcamp will help too: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp i would then consult the best professional you can find that has experience treating infidelity.
So true!
how can I step back in the relationship ? how to deal with him ? nice , cold , hard to get ? how I suppose to act and be with him? plz help me.
hi sunshine, i would get the best help possible for you. what recovery work have you done? have you seen a professional at all? here are a few more videos on ambivalence as well: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/what-do-you-do-when-your-spouse-ambivalent www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/changing-dance-ambivalence
I can't get professional help because there's non here where I live. I tried to have online professional help but it was useless. your videos reflect what I feel and need. I watched tens of your video but I feel I have a uniqueness story that need unique solution. so I need your help because I and my long distance husband in the last stage and I asked him to divorce me but he said no way and theres no reason and it is ridiculous to get divorce because of he talked to a girl. Please just let me know how I suppose to deal with him? I used to be the one how love and give with no limit . I am too much available and controlling because I can't trust him.
we get married since 3 months only after 15 months engagement. and he traveled to his job away from me . one month after he is far away he cheated on me with a girl online . he just knew her for two days . they were talking sex talk togather . he was finishing talking to me online and after few minutes he jumped to fb messenger to talk to this girl! I am sure this is not the only girl he used to have bad history with girls.
I had all the conversations for this online girl. I am depressed. I didn't tell him I have those conversations. he told me about the cheating because the girl told him she will send me the whole conversations, that's why he told me that he was talking to her just to discover what she aims to!
he lied and I choose not to tell him that I have the conversations and I know it wasn't what he said! he cheated on me . Now I am confused what I suppose to do? I don't want to leave him but I can't handle his addiction to sex and girls. Please help me to act the right actions. and do what is the right and healthy.
but what if I am codependent ...or am I'm so hurt i cat see what i am anymore
then you've got to get help to help you heal. codependency is a killer my friend and it will sabotage your recovery and your life. i would do as much work as possible on healing from codependency and helping you find your own healing and personal restoration. it's ok if you are, but not ok to stay that way.
Overcoming Infidelity I'm not sure if I am a codependent.. all I know is that if our marriage fell apart & he moved on , know or seeing him with another woman , I'm not sure the level of hurt I could bare before I completely broke . Is not that I depend on $ from him . I own & operate a very successful DJ business , supporting my kids and children are not a concern for me . That's if I can continue the entertainment at the highest level. No one wants a depressed DJ !
I can't control these images in my head , the thought if them together makes me physically ill & rage beyond my control.
Can't I just get hypnotized so that whole experience just idea of cheating is GONE ?
i wish it worked that way my friend. it's normal you'd feel the way you're feeling and it's completely understandable. have you found any help for the thoughts and triggers? If i were you, i'd take the harboring hope course on the website that will help you with thoughts, images reminders and finding peace. it's a life changing course for the betrayed and you can find it here: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope i think it's exactly what you need and want for your own healing. will he get help at all for him and his own struggles?
thank you I will defiantly do that bc I'd give anything to get a handle of these thoughts ! . to top things off as we approach the 1 year make of me finding out (Aug 2) ...we go in our waffle house this morning ..where we eat 2-3 times a week ...and BOOM theres she is working her new job in MY waffle house . REALLY ? uhhhggg 24 years married , high school sweet hearts ...4 kids and 2 grands so far ....thriving business , WHY? why destroy everything we've built together ? what if i just can't get over this and move on ? you give your heart and soul your life to someone & trust they will not burn you . ill never give anyone that power again