How to Gently Heal Your Codependent Relationship - Terri Cole
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- Опубликовано: 25 июл 2024
- When you love someone, do you feel responsible for their choices? When you’re in a relationship, do you feel overly responsible for the other person’s decisions and actions?
Do you ever feel like you’re doing more than your share of the work (overgiving or overdoing)?
Do you feel like the other person’s outcome is your outcome? Do you find yourself in relationships with people who need saving?
If you’re nodding your head yes, then today’s episode is for you. In it, I’ll be talking about what a codependent relationship is, the symptoms and signs of codependency, and things you can do to be healthier and more fulfilled in all of your relationships.
Download the guide that goes along with this episode here: www.terricole.com/codependent...
12-step program mentioned: Codependents Anonymous, coda.org/
TIME STAMPS:
0:00 - Introduction
1:00 - Signs of codependency and where it comes from
5:33 - Codependency and children
7:37 - Your family of origin may create codependency
9:30 - Questions to ask yourself to find out why you're codependent
10:50 - How to become more truthful and take things less personally
12:46 - Striving for interdependence and healing
15:46 - Importance of setting boundaries
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ABOUT TERRI COLE
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.
For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.
She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible and actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She inspires over 450,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, and her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. For more, see www.terricole.com/
CONNECT ON SOCIAL
Instagram: terricole.com/ig
FB Page: terricole.com/fb
FB Group: terricole.com/fbg
Podcast: terricole.com/itunes
RESOURCES:
Crushing Codependency, a six-week course I co-created with my pal, Mark Groves. Break free from over-functioning, over-delivering, people-pleasing, and ignoring your own needs so you can finally live the life you deserve! www.terricole.com/cc/
Boundary Boss Book: boundarybossbook.com/
BetterHelp: betterhelp.com/terricole I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp’s resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help’s service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.
www.terricole.com/gethelp/ - If you are in a crisis or any other person may be in danger the resources on this page can provide you with immediate help.
#terricoleshow #codependency #relationshiptips 
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As a recovering codependent I learnt some great phrases such as 'when I say no to you, I say yes to me' Feeling over responsible for other people happiness was a from of arrogance as if I knew what was best for them more than they did. Feels great to be free and allow people to mess up and learn from it.
My mum is convinced she knows for sure what is best for me and that my husband is not good for me, so I was forced to cut off communication. I myself for a moment felt guilty if something happens to her when she doesn't hear from me, but I realised
it is by no means my fault because she refuses to change.
So helpful Terri Cole. I found myself trying to "help" my codependent husband. Now, working very hard to return focus to myself. I have sacrificed myself to alcoholics/addicts/codependents my entire life. AFTER "recovering" from my own addiction to alcohol, turns out the biggest addiction was to love, relationships, and codependency. My bottom there was even lower, faster, harder, I venture to say. At 55, I am developing myself and starting to heal. I am grateful to you and many other RUclipsrs/Facebookers who offer assistance to the public at large free of charge. I love you, too Terri Cole. Learning to FINALLY love myself. ❤💝❤💝❤💝❤
I am cheering you on!! You deserve healthy love!! I am so glad to hear you're focusing on your healing.
Also key, whenever someone dumps their problems on you, as a codependent you do what..... WORRY 🤔😳 worrying leads to overthinking, anxiety, depression, stress. Learn to control your thoughts. Also last but not least, after losing your self identity, self esteem and confidence goes out the door as well which also leads to depression and anxiety. Affirmations help with rebuilding self, get around positive people, set goals, learn how to respond instead of reacting. That was a BIG one for me.
Teri,
The world needs you! The way you break it down and speak to everyone is the right mix of tlc and reality!!
Thank you!!!
You are so welcome, Lori! thanks you for being here with us ;)
I know this is not “new” information. But, the way you have presented it here, and your insightful commentary made me understand a number of things in a vastly different way than I have in the past. You have created a door in a wall I have been stuck behind for way too long.
I just found your channel today, and the way you present information resonates for me in a way nothing else has. All I can say is thank you.
Thank you so much ❤️ Glad you're finding it helpful!
I have recently lossed to breast cancer my sister and my mother and and a breakup from my boyfriend. He left one day and didn’t come back! These traumas have exposed just how co dependent I have been. To the point where not being able to cure their disease was part of my daily obsession to the point where they looked at me and said you’re not going to let me die are you? This has not only traumatized me but, It has also freed me and woke me up. I am learning to save me. No one else is left. I can’t say how strong the effect on my life this was. I am crawling out from under the mountain that I have carried. My awakening was I couldn’t fix this. They were actually going to die. And they did. I need help.
I am witnessing you with so much compassion and sending you lots of love ❤️ I hope you can find the help you need and deserve, because this is too much for you (or anyone!) to carry alone. ❤️❤️
I'm on the borderline personality spectrum and the narcissistic spectrum. My boyfriend is codependent, and I want him to be empowered and healthy. I want to contribute to his self-love and growth. Even if it means he cant be with me any longer. I truly love him. I fear hurting him, and I do not want to be this abusive and irresponsible person anymore. It was okay for me before because I was hurting myself, it's not okay for me anymore because I am hurting someone else now. Fuck mental illness. Fuck making excuses. Fuck being a narcissist. I'm gonna change my inner world.
I am witnessing your strength and love with compassion and I am cheering you on. You're spot on when you say you're going to change your inner world. Keep going, mama!!!
'To be needed, valued or to be loved'. I had a neglectful and abusive childhood.There lies co-depedancy as you mentioned. Your videos are like a session with my psychologist. Thank you!
I'm on a journey to recover from dependency. My mentor told me that everyone is responsible for their own soul. I always go back to that. This persom is responsible for themselves not I. I also learned that by not connecting myself to people in that way.. you know their desires, distaster, etc I experience a beautiful freedom that I didn't know existed. :)
Thank you for this beautiful, inspiring share, Catherina!
Same and when i was in a good path my aunt used guilt trip and i had a huge withdrawal
Amen
I'm on that journey as well. I realize I it's not my job to fix the people in my life.
I'm binge watching your videos and it is just one aha moment after another... I'm so grateful for your work, thank You from the bottom of my heart. 💗
You're so welcome! I'm so glad the videos are resonating for you
I really needed to hear this right now. Thank you so much Terri! I am grateful to have come across your channel 💕
Thank you for the subtitles. Have done lots of work on this but as you say it is always a work in progress. 💕 Thank you for your sharing.
Great video!!
You are amazing... this video helped me so much. Thanks. 😊
Thank you for creating this Terri Cole. I’ve come out of a co-dependent relationship 4 months ago. My partner has mental health issues and I’m a recovering addict. I’m going through step 4 of the 12 step program and I’ve been focusing so much on myself since we split up and it feels so good to be myself again rather than being co-dependent.
I need to be healed!!! Thank you.
Ok. Here's the problem. You try to help someone over and over again and each time you give a little, they want more. So the more you pour your time effort and energy into a person, the more you lose "self". Not knowing the signs and symptoms of codependency can quickly lead to self destruction such as anxiety, clingy, needy, not being able to make a decision for self, seeking validation, thinking of that person all the time, it's a very difficult thing to experience. Here's the key, recognize a person's behaviors right off the back. If you don't notice immediate change and somehow their behavior drains you on a constant basis, by all means leave. Your mental health will appreciate you in the end. A person will only change when they are ready to change. Put that time effort and energy into yourself and move on.
Yes!! Thank you for sharing your passion and your experience!
LOVE your content! I am constantly telling clients about secondary gains when they are in a loop because of a problematic relationship they have with themselves or other people.. They can be so easily seen from the outside but when people are in the thick of it - not so much.
So true, Shula! I am so happy you are here with us ;)
This video is great. I am beginning to understand how my relationship with the women I hope to be involved with for the rest of my life and I has evolved into a codependent relationship and how she has began the hard but ultimately very much rewarding and relationship saving steps to bettering us and our new born sons lives together as a family. This is very much so directly associated with your very helpful video. My first reaction towards recently feeling a separation between my lady an me. But now I can see how I am completely wrong in this assumption and how she is trying to save us as a family and bring our son into a healthy environment instead of this very toxic unhealthy place that we have made ourselves. Well thank you and I am looking forward to watching more of your videos and coming to a better understanding to our relationship and my lady’s choice here in maker herself more heathy and me doing the same on my end to hopefully come together afterwards and firming a much better place to raise our newborn son in.
You have helped me more than you know. Something happened with my narcissistic daughter just this morning. You popped up on my screen and I cried and learned very important lessons for myself. And we're reminded what I really already knew. Thank you so much.
I am a new subscriber. Thanks so much for your advice. You have opened my eyes. Watching from Germany and sending love
Thank you for being here!
You are amazing. I wish I could see this video earlier , your sharing save many people. Thank you!!!
You're welcome!
Great video. Pity - I would like to point out that real narcissists (NPD) actually relate their problems in such a way, so as to get pity from the listener, they want pity and they want someone to take care of them (it's attention seeking behavior)..... my father does that - he does many things that are irrespossible and the outcomes are totally predictable but he doesn't learn from his mistakes and makes the same mistakes over and over again and then he talks about the "stuff that happened to him or about the things that people did to him" in such a way that someone, who does not know him will feel really sorry for him and even offer to help and that person will express pity and there he gets his attention. Its about the attention that the narcissist wants. They want pity.
So true and they can always find new people to trick into giving them their narc supply. Thanks for sharing your insights here with us.
What a pity!
I agree. Very frustrating
Vulnerable/fragile/covert ones want pity for sure because they're so boring.
Love you Terri. God Bless you. May you hv all the good things life has to offer you.
❤️❤️❤️
Thank you for this video.
You're welcome
Wow that was informative. Thank you for putting that knowledge out there. It was really eye opening.
I'm so glad it resonated, Martin ❤️ Thank you for being here.
This really helped.
I am so glad that I found this at a very young age and I will try to heal myself and also the one I am in a relationship with. Terry I love your channel . Please can you make a video on how to make your heart and personality stronger . I really really need it from you. Your voice and those words just made me peaceful and calm . Ig accent also helps in calming the mind
Thank you for your suggestion. And thank you for being here. I am glad to hear the videos are resonating for you.
As a Relationship and Behavior Specialist, you have hit every nail on its head!! Recovery....I went, and now lead many groups to understanding, healing, and freedom from their hurts, habits, and hangups! You are so empathetic and you explain everything in simple broken down pieces of the puzzle. Then, you put it back together and show listeners how to rebuild their lives. Bravo!
ONE NOTE: And Celebrate Recovery stresses this point: If you were sexually abused as a child - It is not your fault. There is no 50%, and you do not need to make amends. You do, however, have to FORGIVE. I hope this helps.
Thank you so much Terri.. I could cry right now at how co dependent I have been in the past and probably am still now...
I’m ready to take an honest look and take action steps to get help for this.
I want my own life.
I want a life I love.
I am 26 years old and I couldn’t be any more happier or blessed that I have resources like this available to me.
I will be an interdependent person and parent one day and I hope to break this cycle for my own sake and the people around me - my loved one etc.
I deserve to have a life.
You're enough , worthy , whole , complete, priceless........get healthy ok ...stay awy from narcissists ...
Really interesting video...thanks
Thank you for all the helpful videos on your channel. I am a high functioning codependent and I am driving my girlfriend crazy. Everything you said resonates with me. She is a recovering addict and I always feel the need to fix everything for her, and help all the time. She on the other hand always has to deal with my emotional break downs if she is away for long periods of time.
I believe we enable each other and it's not healthy for either of us. Sad to say that while she is moving ahead in her recovery, I am stuck in my codependency. Hopefully the advice you offer will help me overcome this.
Thank you for being here and for taking the steps to heal yourself. I am witnessing you and your story with compassion. There is hope, you can choose happiness and love!
Great video and advice!!
Glad you liked it!
Bless you, thank you! ❤🙏
You're welcome
Watching this video a year after its uploaded. Wow. A lot of stuff i really needed to hear about myself. Hopefully it wasnt too late and I have a chance to make things right.
Thank you for sharing. I'm witnessing you with compassion and sending you strength.
Gosh, this evoked so many bad memories of my childhood, which I thought I'd shut out of my life, but obviously not! 😔
I'm wishing you peace and witnessing you with compassion. It's ok to heal, you are worthy.
Thank you☀️❤
You're welcome
The best parents give their children both roots and wings.
❤️
Thank you so much for this video. I have been married 32 years, emotional relationship. He is now trying to do better, and dealing with some depression issues, but I don't know if I want to continue to be a caretaker codependent anymore...
Terri- I feel you on this. You can choose to stay and care-take less and heal from your codependent connection. I don't think it's an either or unless you KNOW you're done. If so, start to plan your exit strategy. I am witnessing you with so much compassion and understanding.
@@terri_cole thanks terri, do you have a podcast on boundaries for a situation like this?
Me either. He’s always sabotaged my tries at working and he never allows me to be apart of my own financial life. I have nothing at 61. nowhere to go. My big obstacle is not recognizing I’m in a codependent relationship it’s BEING HOMELESS ON THE STREET.
Good point that codependency can be developed while trying to deal with an addict
This is me with my parents 🤦🏻♀️ I am aware that I do it and I am trying so hard to overcome it but it's really difficult not to try and manage their life and their emotions
I feel you, Sarah but really it is how YOU relate to their life and emotions that determines how burdened you feel by it. Learning to prioritize your feelings and your best interest is a start. I am cheering you on, mama!!
I'm very glad that you respect other cultures xx I totally agree with you. but I don't like some people don't know there are different cultures and their norm is different.
You're welcome.
Can you be my therapist? You have opened my eyes so much. How can i get help
This describes my life
❤️
Thank you. How can i get rid off shame?
Be aware of your fears and face them. What are you afraid of? That’s for the individual to be honest with themselves about and face. Afraid of being alone? Of being on your own and doing for yourself? Ridiculed for being single or not having a sex life? Everyone knows what they’re afraid of. So face it. There’s no healing possible without facing ourselves and our fears.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. Fear is one part of the bigger picture.
thank you i wish i would knew this before i was so addicted to my girlffriend that i only lived for her not for my Own . I am still recovering from this Codependent Ex Relationship
I see you ❤️
Can the codependent and narcissistic relationship heal together if boundaries are set and both acknowledge the mistakes in the relationship?
I randomly found this, do you still offer self help groups online? Thank you for your work
Hi there! Yes, I do. Since I am in the middle of writing my next book (on high-functioning codependency), they are currently self-paced without any live calls. You get access to videos you can watch on your own time. Crushing Codependency, a course I did with Mark Groves, is here: terricole.com/cc
I also have Boundary Boss Bootcamp: terricole.com/bb2023 as well as Real Love Revolution: terricole.com/rlr
If you have any questions, please reach out to my team at support @ terricole.com (without the spaces) 💕 Thanks for asking!
Can u make a video on self worth issues ?
Thank you for the suggestion! I have a ton of videos here on the channel about self love and self worth, please feel free to explore!
Where do I get these “cheat sheets” the video talks about?
Thx, J
Go to the blog link above or right here (terricole.com/how-to-heal-codependent-relationships/) and it will take you to the blog and 3/4 down it says "download the cheat sheet here" (it is in red) and it will take you to it, Jacque!
Thin space in marriage / union where one makes more money and values capacity to buy, pay for though resentful.... while the other manages home, family care, partners and contributes from less monetary
Hello, new subscriber. How can I get into the course? Thank you .
Thank you for this video. I know that I learned to be codependent from my mum and also grandmother. I have a hard time to start putting myself first because it is expected and normal in my family to act this way. How can I make myself believe that I have the right to love myself? Thank you for your response in advance.
@kylie Williams I appreciate a lot you took the time to write this. Thank you! I will think about this. Best wishes to you :)
Amy, It takes time to prioritize your own wants, needs and desires and before you can do that you need to know yourself. What do you like, how do you feel, what brings you joy, what doesn't work for you? I this Kylie's share is filled with valuable insights that can help you get there. Self-love is an inside job, mama and you can do it! We are cheering you on xo
Maybe it can help to count to 10 or just take some time out before acting on our impulses.
For example if we want to help or lend a hand, we could first evaluate the situation - does the person really asks you to help or is just you assuming that?
And if we did so to speak too much, I find it helpful to say: well, I decided to do just that.
And be content with that decision :))
I know there is more to codependency, but I picked that one example.
I feel like I cannot live my life and I’m 18 because I consume my life making others happy, even if they’re not happy when I do something for them I will feel bad for them and do more? I feel like I can’t change it and also have a codependent relationship and I just feel stuck :/
I believe my partner is codependent. I have some deep rooted issues that have caused so many problems in our relationship. I have recently recognized this and am trying so hard to get my partner to see that I am not healthy. She is so convinced that she can help me heal, but her behavior and constant need for reassurance is triggering to me.
Things I have said over and over again. I have broken up with her but I hate to see her sadness and give in. We are good for a couple of weeks and then end up in an argument because we both have needs that are opposite of each other so neither is getting met.
How do I help her see she needs to let me go?
I am witnessing you with compassion and holding space as you figure out how to navigate this. ❤️ I don’t think you can help her see she needs to let you go, and in reality, that is not your side of the street. If your relationship is not working for you and you feel like it won’t ever, it will be on you to end it and liberate both of you.
Teri,
Do you believe love is conditional?
Thank you
The only unconditional relationship should have been with your parents. Co-dependance is the search for that unconditional love often a co pendant wants the other person to fullful the parental role. Unfortunately it pushes the other person away. It's also an escape from dealing with your own emotions/sometimes emptiness Co dependands feel their life has.
Does a codependency relationship have to end aswell?...I'm guessing yes.
Like does the marriage just have to end?
that or create a healthy boundary possibly? If you’re the codependent and they’re your partner. talk to them what you are dealing with and how they can help?
Hi Terri, I couldn't find the download for the little cheat sheet you referred to?
Here you go: www.terricole.com/codependent-worksheet/
Thank you so much Terri, bless you. 🙏❤
So I was divorced in 2023. We are reconciling now. He is an addict. I am realizing I am a codependent
We have 3 kids.
Can I recover and be with him at the same time?
What is the 12 step program
Hey there, thank you for asking- it's called CODA for Codependents Anonymous: coda.org/
🙏🏾❤️🙏🏾
I had a very difficult hearing what Lori was saying because the sound is tooo LOW!
Thank you for the feedback.
Did Ariana Grande share this?
Yes she has shared some of my codependent videos!
💗🌹
I’m not sure how to heal
I see you ❤️ Have you downloaded the guide for this episode? It contains tips on how to heal: www.terricole.com/codependent-worksheet/
The way i get incredibly exposed by watching this video :((
Unhealthy helping is written by who?
❤️❤️❤️
Most problems in the world stem from this
Children of addicts, all kinds of addicts, those addicted to money, alcohol, drugs, sex etc!
In all cases, I 'd rather not a Fi man touch me. I still wish I could marry MrRight with my own assessment . In English . As an authentic ENGLiSH man . Anglo-American American is ok. Codep is considered as illness of the mind. Who are you referring to? Not me, I hope. No man, no troubles.
Their wants their desires their decisions their disasters govern my life
Mimi- I am witnessing you with so much compassion and understanding. If you want that to change you will need to make different choices and you CAN...one choice at a time.
Unsubscribe
So a grown man should be doing his own laundry, right? 😂
Lady, you are so skewed towards women it’s actually quite telling and disappointing. I’ll not be watching another video of yours.
Can you show me where, I'd like to know before I get to involved?
The section of this video about “its not me” really hit me for the first time 🙏💗🫶
So glad it resonated ❤️