What It's Costing the Unfaithful to Not Discuss the Infidelity
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
- Join our Recovery Library and gain access to 3,000+ expert resources: www.affairreco...
Samuel shares his own experience in adjusting to life after disclosure and embracing new patterns in life.
A post from: www.affairreco...
Deny. Deny. Deny. Sweep it under the rug like it never happened, because they feel they don't have to take accountability, because they don't have integrity.
Exactly, you can have a lot of evidence and they'll still deny everything
Sharing the affairs are the only way to provide trust enough for the betrayed to move beyond it.
Binging this channel to help ease my pain of leaving her. She cheated for 8 months and continues to lie and refuse to accept accountability. I feel so guilty for leaving her, but I know I had to.
I wonder how you are now?
How do we EVER know if we are hearing the real truth? We’re talking now, taking a class for betrayal now but I have been fooled for 20 years by this man. So how am I supposed to convince myself that this time is actually the truth, when I’ve done this all multiple times now?
Maybe the unfaithful spouse wants to stay stuck & keep the betrayed stuck because they’re afraid that if the betrayed knew the truth, they’ll leave!
I believe that too
Yep
They may get what they fear most.
They think showing their hidden life will hurt spouse even more.
.... but its actually just a continuation of the betrayal. The cheater has all the story, info... the betrayed is kept in the dark. The cheater is still trying to control things.
They have to both have all info & restart. No BS.
I needed to hear this. Thank you. I was unfaithful to my spouse and out of fear I denied everything, then would drip-feed the truth. We are working through things. While there is no guarantee my marriage will be saved, my wife has helped me understand myself far quicker than I could have ever anticipated. I have been seeking help and we are looking to begin couples therapy soon. This is difficult, but i truly appreciate the men here who are reaching out for help and guidance. I have been careful to not pray selfishly, but to allow myself to grow and become a better man. I have a long way to go and will use any help offered to me. Thank you again for these videos.
Pls tell me how you are doing. Are you guys still together?
This is 100% on point. I have tried to explain to my husband he is GRIDLOCKING me and us and our progress. He doesnt get it. Shutting the betrayed out is only FURTHER doing what you already did by engaging in the affair in the first place. I have kearned that many of the behaviors of my unfaithful husband as he tries to press forward are actually echoing the same themed behaviors of the affair itself. He doesnt see it. And it is actually a somewhat easy fix in a way. Hiding (some) of the details that will help, is adding insult to injury as the betrayed tries desperately to process and move forward. Its unconsciously self sabotaging to the entire restoration process.
My spouse would not follow the recommended path by our infidelity experts. No disclosure, no work on himself, no empathy, no helping me to heal (he told me “just get over it”). This was a long term 2-year affair. And although he stopped seeing the AP, they talked every day.
I was so damaged; there’s too much damage to fix this. He is not willing to work with me. Maybe it’s the shame?
Anyway, I’m separated and filed for divorce. I don’t even know who this man is.
I am a BW my unfaithful H sees no reason why I should be hurt.
Some things he has said:
I am crazy, I am holding on to my hurt just to spite him.
I am tired. I am ready to move on alone. How can some people be so calloused??
Thank you for your awesome videos, they really brought light into the darkness I am currently experiencing. My husband of 17 years had an emotional affair with someone very dear to my heart, my helper, and is not aware of the trauma he caused me He doesn't see the affair as a big deal because he claims to have not slept with her After 2 months of denial he ended up confessing to having feelings for her but still refuses to talk about the affair. He defends the affair partner and blames me for his actions as we had marital problems. This has been difficult for me because we were here 7 years ago with the same person. My husband is a pastor and I have supported him through out all this years. I forgave him in the past and took all the pain which is very difficult to do again this time. He destroyed everything I believed in as far as marriage and Christianity is concerned. He already expects me to move past this and it is hardly 2 months. My home and the Church were my safe place and now I can't go to church without being triggered or even enjoy my home. I have anger and rage which I can't control and he thinks I am overreacting. It's difficult for me to be a warrior this time. I think my marriage is over this time
Hope you are well. I know how you feel
This blog has been so instrumental in waking my husband and helping us both get a grip on the "process" and the "rules". At 7 months, he finally "allowed" me to rage on him in a way I couldn't from day one. I INSTANTLY forgave him and made it about him (mostly) and he just mopped it up like bread in sauce. He loved it. I didn't know I was MAKING this harder on us both. As an empath and an enabler, I enabled him to be in the victim role, not realizing that I was paralyzing my own healing and our healing as a couple. As of this past weekend he knows exactly how I feel, he sat there in the car taking my verbal assault. But then he had to (in his mind) because I was inebriated (rare for me) and we were out in public with only one car. I guess God knows how to get stuff done because it has been the absolute turning point. Once he realized it's "not about him" as you and Tony Robbins says, he was able to sit still and take it. Without you guys, he may have driven off and left me there alone in my heels in a parking lot. He took 90% of the weight of the pain off of me and it was like coming up for air after being submerged for months. So healing. Thank you Samuel, for your courage, your humility, your selflessness and your love for others in this ministry.
wow what a great comment. thank you for that. i'm so glad i've been able to be a piece to the puzzle of your recovery. i know it's gut wrenching but i'm so glad you're persevering. keep going my friend. honored to be with you on your journey.
I did the same thing except I was sober. He just sat there with no emotion whatsoever or ownershipket alone make amends to me. I felt better but by this point he had moved on to someone else.
True the locked out party has nothing to work with so they leave and find a counselor and start working on themselves.
Of course they know why they cheated - because they are free human beings who do the things they want to do. To say that they don’t know is to rob them of agency and free will. They only say that they don’t know because they can’t admit that they were just being selfish and didn’t care in that moment what the costs were to get the pleasure.
Wish my unfaithful wife would actually believe everything you are saying when she watches your videos bc you are exactlt right 99% of the time for me when describing what it's like for the betrayed. You have also really helped me understand the mindset of the unfaithful aswell so thank you. Keep it up great job!
very welcome ryan. thanks so much for encouraging me.
My partner says she hasn't been able to remember much about it. It's been ten years that she hid it from me, while saying how she was always truthful, always faithful, never strayed. She watched me destroy my friendship circle over them telling me she was cheating on me. She wants me to just move on, because it's been ten years, and I should have been over it by now.
Angered cheese,. Thay say that they have forgotten
But I don't believe any of that,. An experience as
Adultery, all the details is always remembered,
Lasps of memory is only convenient for the
Guilty,.
My husband says the same, "it's been 15 years, I don't remember much" he too hid it from me for 15 years said he was faithful but yet that wasn't true n more times then not he thinks since it's been over a year since it all came to light I need to just get over it but he doesn't seem to understand the pain n trauma this has caused me as your partner doesn't either.......it's a horrible daily fighting battle, one I would never wish on anyone not even the unfaithful.......it's a pain like no other, nothing else could ever compare to it n that's why it's so hard to move forward, I hope we one day get the closure we more than need
@@veronicad8742 I agree with you. The pain for me has never gone away. Early on it was so overwhelming. The lies, deceit, sex, partying behind my back - too hard to comprehend. I can not even look at old pictures of those days knowing she was running around with him.
Its really killing me we are juat stuck in i cant remember is driving me crazy. I just want him to get clean with me. Cant see us going forward
These videos, particularly this one has helped me tremendously! Thank you. My unfaithful spouse and I are separated and have been for a year now and unfortunately I don’t us reconciling at all. However, these videos have helped put lots of things in perspective and accept the situation for what it is. I use to send him these videos but once I saw that his words weren’t lining up with his actions there was no need. It was bringing out the monster in him. Can you believe it? These videos that make perfectly good sense and are broken down in a way that are relatable and understandable. He isn’t ready to take ownership and he minimizes everything he did and magnifies any reactions I’ve had to this. I know now that my focus is completely on me and my healing. I can’t change him and don’t want to but I can fix me. Thank you again!
thank you for the kind words funls41. i'm sorry for the pain you're in. thank you for the encouragement. don't quit on YOU.
Good for you for having the strength to more forward to heal yourself....Goodluck .
Ok, I’m adjusting my thoughts on ‘time heals’. Time and space doesn’t heal on its own; it just gives room for objectivity. And at that point, the details of the affair can be discussed. I think for the betrayed, we are conditioned by media and entertainment to want answers like watching a movie or series. We want it all now!
As a betrayed spouse, this is one video where I pretty much agree with everything that was said. I feel like I got the watered down version of the truth and have since been expected to get over it and stop living in the past. I feel much safer and closer to my husband when he opens up to me and shows emotion, but that doesn’t happen very often. Hopefully we’ll be able to see a counselor someday.
I did find it interesting when Samuel said the unfaithful spouse doesn’t know why they did it. Is there always a deep seated reason?
Cardinal Q,. There is always a reason, and a
Why/how; if we are honest, which is what The
Betrayed wants, Which in my opinion will give
Some release to both parties,.
Thanks samuel hope my wife listen to you. And understand how i feel as a betray male spouse. I thank you from mexico.
Hi, sorry for the randomness but I'm haiku to see that you understand the video. My husband is latino and he speaks English but I really don't think he fully understands this. I'm the one who was betrayed and I wish there was a way for me to make him understand what this video is saying in depth. He doesn't understand why i need to know and even though he has already admitted to me and the girl has to be basically thinks I should just forget about it and move on. That was the end of 2016 and we have been married 11 years this August.
I hope your wife can gain some understanding. Good luck.
Good information. I feel that I bring on his shame when I talk about it, which tends to make me not want to bring it up. I don’t want to be stuck here though!
Same here
You have to bring it up even though it causes him problems. It’s about you healing not him. You don’t have to be mean or shame him, but you need to know you really need to know. If he feels bad about it that’s a good thing. You can say hey I’m not attacking you I just need to know to fully heal. But you may not want to know some things that would turn into a loop in your mind. But you decide what you can handle to ask.
I just found out about a month or so ago and I am so thankful for your videos. Especially the ones where Samantha was so incredibly vulnerable in sharing her side. Thank you for the love you are sharing together.
Samuel and staff, thank you for all you do! I have been watching your videos for three years and they have given me hope and guidance. What you do has truly been a blessing from God for me! Please keep doing what you do knowing that you are making a big difference in peoples lives!!!
means more than you know James. thanks so much for sharing that.
What if the unfaithful partner doesn’t want to open up with their affair!? I’m a betrayed partner and my partner had an affair and fell pregnant with their affair partner. She decided to try and fight for our relationship but 8 months after D’day. She still hasn’t fully disclosed all the information about her affair. I feel like I’m still in limbo even after 8 months from disclosure date. I have tried to get her to talk about the affair but I still feel that she is still keeping some of the information. It might not be true but a feeling I have after 7years being with her. I now question how much from those 7years is genuine and how much of it was a lie.
Somehow I get triggered and wonder if she is still in contact to her affair partner. She says she has cut ties and wants to make us work. But I’m still in limbo with the whole situation. I’m trying to fight for the relationship too but yet again I my doubts at times. With a child in the picture now, it’s just made everything unbearable.
totally understandable...what work are you doing to heal? professionals? intensives? courses?
Cheating is not a mistake. I don’t know why it always is referred to as mistake. When you willingly cheat on purpose, it’s not a mistake.!!!
I appreciate your videos, this is a fresh wound and I'm not sure where to start. She's my high school sweetheart and it's devastating, heartbreaking, and confusing all at the same time.
get expert care as soon as you can my friend.
He is my HS sweet heart too. It kills me so much. He has been my only partner in my 46 years of life.
@@glendatalamantes8106 Words are cheap,
But iam sorry to hear, wish you well,.
Thank you !!! ...for this video. We are finally dealing with something swept under the rug over a decade ago. Everythings out in the open, it's not as bad as imagined. We have been like a couple of honeymooners since, the tension is gone. The PTSD has subsided ...peace and love are ruling now. Can't say it will have this effect for everyone ...but nothing liberates like the truth ... Who cheat on who ...forget it? I can't recall when there's total forgiveness it's like it never happened
Thank you for sharing. How long after getting the "details" were able start feeling like you were healing thx?
This sounds like great insight, I shared it with my partner (the unfaithful).
Unfortunately, saying he will never know why he had an affair until he has 6 months to a year of expert therapy is a bit misleading - it is a primary question which the betrayed should have an answer to within the first 4 months so that they can begin to heal. I think the unfaithful can have a general idea, especially in retrospect years later. Also, please consider the income bracket of your audience, most people can't afford "expert therapy" but make too much to be accepted for state funded medical coverage to gain therapy.
We could not get therapy for this reason, and rely on books and free videos such as your own. We also could never afford the EMS couples therapy your company offers because it is too high in price. The free videos help a bit though, thank you.
Hi Sheri - thanks for your comments. We understand that expert help is hard to come by. We do offer a scholarship for our online programs. Information can be found here: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request
4:21 - yes yes YES! I am desperately trying to show my unfaithful spouse that I am emotionally mature enough to handle really knowing him, but he has got to let me. It’s his responsibility to reveal some vulnerability and then it’s my responsibility to respond to that vulnerability with love. Oneness. Yes.
definitely that's what I keeping asking myself I'm the one been betrayed why the unfaithful doesn't want to talk because talking over it ,will resolves problems better I see it that way
He still hasn't given me full disclosure. He answered questions that I asked however since then, there was different information that came to light. The initial D day was September 23rd 2017. There was a few days afterwards with the last being in May 2018. At the end of November 2018, I asked him for his full disclosure which I am still waiting for. It's caused a lot of internalization of emotions, thoughts and Chaos in my own mind. I've stopped talking about it. I've stopped asking about it. In my own mind I believe I have made it known of what I need, why must I continue to ask? I feel as though I have no starting point and I don't think he understands that. What's your advice?
all that you're feeling is normal. it's to be expected what you're feeling and going through as you don't have all the info and without it, it's tough to heal. i think you have to ask yourself how long you can continue to live this way. it may not be long...or it may be ok soon. i would get expert help at least for you as soon as you can.
We have gone to coucilling together. We began seeing our therapist 3 months after I discovered his affair. We continued to see her regularly and I had felt we were making progress until I learned that once again he had been communicating with the AP and had left our home, lied to me about where he was going while I was just going to bed for the night. This devastated me - 5 months of zero contact and through the immense pain he witnessed me living thru, he crushed me. At that point, he was unsure what he wanted (this he told me). Still we saw our therapist. She was great. She helped me recognize my strength in moving forward healing me and getting over my self doubts, depression and sadness. She tried to help him understand not only why we were there but also the great importance of full disclosure. After 18 months, she told us that unless he was willing to do the work and make the changes I needed, there was no benefit to continue to see us as a couple. I have still seen her but now I'm at the point where I am feeling embarrassed about still accepting this- no full disclosure, no beginning point. It feels hopeless and at times I wonder if it will even be acceptable at this point. He hasn't given freely what I need, what we need to move forward to begin a new life and marriage, I've basically begged him which still didn't get thru to him. He is seeing a therapist on his own now and he hasn't offered conversation about what their session looks like. I, most times, feel like I'm living with a stranger who I once felt I knew so well. We have an 8 year old son, he has been the mental glue I believe. We don't really fight per se, but we aren't happy either.
I had recommended he watch some of your videos - you are amazing - you're videos have moved me, brought tears from both of us and I have recognized many situations, feelings and pitfalls you have spoken of. What videos would you recommend for us? For him? I wish he could just step out of his comfort zone to do this for us, it makes me feel that he still holds feeling for her, they share secrets that I can't know. It makes me feel insignificant and just not worthy. And I don't believe he truly understands that. She has belittled me, come face to face in public, smirked in my face (at my place of employment) and all the while he wouldn't stand up for me, for me to see. This still hurts. Oh Samuel, I wish there was a video directly for him from you! But my hope is that there is something you can really suggest about the impact of not having full disclosure and the damage it does to the betrayed after several years.
Please keep on keeping positive and making your sensational blogs!
more harm was caused by how he handled everything after i found out than the betrayal itself
I had to discover every single thing the first 4 months & have proof of much more that he absolutely denies. It's pure torture. This is his 2nd affair. The last one, 17 yrs ago. Never had closure, and look what happened. He refuses to speak details. I already put most of it together. He doesn't understand how selfish and disrespectful he is doing this. I'm willing to forgive IF he gets honest.
It took me years to realize that my unfaithful spouse was in as much pain as I was. It wasn’t until I worked on myself that it became clear. They are broken just like you are and it’s hard to forgive and see them in an empathetic way. It was a game changer when I figured that out. It is still a work in progress but there is progress. Progress not perfection.
What if the betrayed actually doesn't want to talk about the affair(s) but the unfaithful is willing?
sometimes they may respond that way and it's ok. eventually, they will need to talk about it. but we all respond differently about wanting to talk about it.
about 6 years post her infidelity. No accountability and no willingness to talk from her. I've had to learn to love her halfway because it hurts too much otherwise. Getting tired of living half my potential love life.
Unfaithful GF keeps on telling that she doesn’t want to talk about the affair because she is pregnant and avoiding to get stressed for the sake of their baby. Is this a valid reason for her to keep quiet about her affair with another man?
while i understand what stress can do to a baby, there is a way to talk about it without causing chaos.
That's why they are always getting mad at the spouse because they don't want to be with them
This seems pretty complicated. Is it worth it? Or better to just make a clean break than stay in the mud?
Unfortunately my wife don’t really want to talk about the affair, she’s just telling me that she loves me but she’s in love with her affair partner, and pretty much she just told me our marriage is over and that I need to accept it and that I need to respect her wishes, she don’t want tow work on our marriage at all
In this video, you mentioned that it could take 6 months to a few years of therapy for the unfaithful to actually understand why they might have stepped outside the relationship. For those who would like to start this kind of help on their own with some sort of reading material, is there a book you could recommend for this purpose? Not all folks live in an area where there is access to adequate help or, worse yet, there truly isn't the financial means to do it, so I'm hoping there really might be a book to try out. Thanks kindly.
hi Lanie, for starters, you can apply for a scholarship to any of our online courses here: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request in terms of books, and to be clear, are you asking for books for the unfaithful spouse to read for their own journey to understanding why? or are you asking for betrayed books they can read for insight? thank you
It would be very helpful if you could recommend for.the unfaithful partner, please. He won't look ever for hepl or therapy
Another GREAT video! Thank you.
thank you so much. means more than you know.
What do you do when you find out it wasn't just an affair but also an addiction to sex and prostitutes?? Can you ever overcome that??
you can. i'm sorry it's more than you were aware of, but YES you can overcome that. it won't come by general care though. you'll need expert care from those who specialize in it. here is an option you'll want to consider: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
Shelley, any update on your situation? I'm in that boat now
What if the betrayed spouse refuses to talk about it and just wants to walk away from the marriage without trying to work through things?
it's a tough spot...sometimes, the best message we can send is we're willing to do our own work regardless. when we can work on us and find out why we've done what we've done and get healthy, then we show them we're safe. sometimes that opens up the possibility to remarriage or recommitment down the road. if we only do work if the are going to stay we show them we want them to stay, not necessarily get healthy at all costs.
You should have considered that possibility before cheating, its called Karma
What if they refuse to be consistent in recovery and think 2 months is enough then they act like nothing happened
it probably needs to be addressed from an expert third party's perspective. They probably need to hear it from someone else, outside the relationship who is a trained expert. our ems weekend is a place I think you'll find great support and help and clarity: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
I wished my husband would watch this 😢
Does this only apply to married couples and not those in relationships? because getting professional help seems too much for a relationship, if that can't be achieved, does that mean that relationship can't be helped then if the unfaithful can't come to the conclusion why they did it? Somebody, please.
Samuel my husband has never asked me anything about my affair. On D day he held me and said he totally forgave me. Said God enabled him too. My affair was short but I'm still dealing with emotional loss of afp. Wish I could just forget him. He and his wife seen to have moved on and I'm stuck in grief and shame. It's been 5 months now since I last talked to af partner.
here's a series on shame that's exceptional: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/infidelity-recovery-understanding-the-paralysis-of-shame part of the journey is going to be on forgiving yourself my friend. i would do this course online asap called hope for healing for unf spouses: www.affairrecovery.com/product/hope-for-healing if you need help financially, you can apply for a scholarship here: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request the course will provide what you need to heal and move forward my friend, it really will.
How can you not know
Now what do you mean by discuss the details of the affair? Like what went on or the reasons that led to it or why one feels about the affair partner?
How do you know whatever they are telling you is the truth? I don't believed anything that can't be shown to be true, he lied for 47 years!
thank you man ...I agree with you and the understanding on what you were say so much you nailed thanks for saying that. I knew over 20 year's ago this is what it was going to take to heal the marriage
You were talking about experts help. But in Bangladesh we dont get that kind of help. Then who should we contact to get help?
How much detail is too much detail tho? Is there a threshold where knowing too much of these details where it’s counterintuitive?
this video and article will help my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/survive-an-affair-how-much-to-tell
What if the unfaithful spouse won’t admit to it and constantly changing stories?
you may consider a lie detector. many couples use them for this type of standstill.
I need a podcast about a 20 year marriage and for children ending in a divorce because of her husband’s work and affair with a much younger woman I still want my ex husband back I’m still in love with him and I know he still loves me too he’s told me that but he feel so guilty and feels like he will never forgive himself can you help
he needs expert help. he won't be able to figure this out on his own. he will need guidance and help to work through it.
What is the unfaithful just respects the AP and does not to share intimate details because they genuinely care about the AP's privacy? Does the betrayed have a right to know about the AP's personal details?
every situation is different. at some level, the betrayed needs to know why they want to know and if it's going to be helpful or not. sometimes it is and can be, sometimes it is not. are you all getting any help at all with anyone professionally or through something like our courses?
Your videos are my lifeline. Wish my husband could just eat it all up.
means so much. thank you for sharing that. glad you're here.
What if it has been a year since dday and the affair was 19 years ago? I can not remember 40% of what happened.
i think you have to do whatever you can to help you spouse feel safe. perhaps it's a lie detector. maybe it's seeing an expert professional and/or the ems weekend on our site? i would make a commitment that whenever you remember something you'll tell them about it within 24 hours of remembering. i would see the best professional you can (who is an expert) to help your spouse heal as well as yourself.
Classic beauty,. Iam not sure that I belive YOU,.
@@samshealingpodcastare lie detectors good enough? I'm so hurt I am doubting validity of the one my US got done 😢
How should I bring up the conversation with my unfaithful husband. I have so many questions and it's been 6 months since d day. I don't want him to get upset with me asking more questions
Difficult discussions are not easy but it must be done. Try to carry the discussion in a neutral location.
Or approach this with a therapist as the neutral party so that it's in a safe, non threatening environment.
If you both want your marriage to work, it must be able to handle the good, the bad and the ugly. That's really where true love shines.
I'm e confused do we sweep it under the rug or talk about the affair.
How do I choose the right therapist. I had the affair and want to do all i need to do
i would ask them how much experience they have with infidelity, how long they have been caring for those in crisis due to infidelity, what additional training they have had.
You mentioned setting up boundaries but I'm confused by that I thought it was I need to be open and I have been trying hard to do that can you add some clarification for me?
james, i'll need more clarity from you. are you the unfaithful? can you rephrase your question please.
Am I the only man here who is the victim?
no, you are not alone.
How do we ask you a question
@Chris Strahan, you can email us at info@hope-now.com
You often talk about the EMS weekend. Where are they held, how much does it cost?
all the info is here my friend: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend