STOP SAYING "GOOD JOB": How Montessori Parents Praise their Kids | Growth Mindset vs Fixed Mindset
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- Опубликовано: 17 дек 2022
- Stop saying GOOD JOB to your child and Praise WISELY! | The problem with praise
For over a decade Carol Dweck, professor of psychology at Stanford University and her team studied the effects of praise on students.
Dr Dweck wanted to look at how subtle difference in the way that they were praised effects the students mindset and performance.
Saying “Good job” to your child may not be the best praise phrase. It may even be harmful.
In this video, I talk about what happens within children when we say empty compliments like “good job”, as well as what happens when we praise their efforts.
I give you examples of situations where you’d typically say “good job!” or give some form of praise to your child, and I’ll share some simple phrases you can say instead.
// References //
MONTESSORI AT HOME: The problem with praise (+ What to say instead!)
• MONTESSORI AT HOME: Th...
Stop Saying Good Job
• Stop Saying Good Job
Carol Dweck - A Study on Praise and Mindsets
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Carol Dweck on "Process praise"
• Carol Dweck on "Proces...
Developing a Growth Mindset with Carol Dweck
• Developing a Growth Mi...
Parental praise and children’s exploration: a virtual reality experiment (2022)
www.nature.com/articles/s4159...
How to Praise Your Children (2007)
www.parents.com/toddlers-pres...
Praise vs. Acknowledgment in a Montessori Home (2019)
www.montessoriinreallife.com/...
The effects of praise: 7 evidence-based tips for using praise wisely (2019)
parentingscience.com/effects-...
Parenting: Don't Praise Your Children!
www.psychologytoday.com/au/bl...
Are You Overpraising Your Child? (2020)
www.nytimes.com/2020/08/13/pa...
Good Job: Why It’s Not Used in the Montessori Classroom (2021)
msosv.com/2021/06/08/good-job...
Montessori alternatives to praise (2020)
themontessorifamily.com/monte...
Five Reasons to Stop Saying “Good Job!” (2001)
www.alfiekohn.org/article/fiv...
A MONTESSORI APPROACH TO PRAISE (2017)
livingmontessorinow.com/a-mon....
Why Good Job is Harmful (2019)
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Robichaud, JM., Grenier, F., Joussemet, M. et al. The Role of Descriptive and Non-Specific Outcome-Oriented Praise in Child Self-Esteem: A Multiphase, Multimethod Investigation. J Child Fam Stud (2022). doi.org/10.1007/s10826-022-02...
Brummelman, E., Grapsas, S. & van der Kooij, K. Parental praise and children’s exploration: a virtual reality experiment. Sci Rep 12, 4967 (2022). doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-08...
Gunderson, E. A., Sorhagen, N. S., Gripshover, S. J., Dweck, C. S., Goldin-Meadow, S., & Levine, S. C. (2018). Parent praise to toddlers predicts fourth grade academic achievement via children’s incremental mindsets. Developmental Psychology, 54(3), 397-409. doi.org/10.1037/dev0000444
Brummelman, E., Grapsas, S. & van der Kooij, K. Parental praise and children’s exploration: a virtual reality experiment. Sci Rep 12, 4967 (2022). doi.org/10.1038/s41598-022-08...
Brummelman, E. Psychological Perspectives on Praise. (2020). doi.org/10.4324/9780429327667
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I still remember a time when I was ten and finally cleaned my room after much nagging by my mom. She took me to my doorway, and told me to look at how well I did each part of the task, how nice it looked, and to appreciate how much more pleasant it was to be in there and be able to find things. I continue to have that satisfaction with common tasks, and I’m 75.
That’s awesome.
Thank you for sharing this personal moment ❤️
Your story is inspiring and shows that the way we share appreciation can have an incredibly long impact, gets me excited to do the same for my child/anyone in my life.
That's beautiful
Beautiful 🥰
Niceee 😎
As a "gifted" child (literally just a little brighter than average), I was so obsessed with being praised. It was awful when I got to high school and struggled as much as anyone else. I felt like I wasn't smart anymore. It took years to learn that my school grades aren't my self worth. Now that I have a toddler it is so hard to find things to say other than "good job." He amazes me every day, but I don't want him to feel the pressure that I did. My favorite things to say are "You worked hard on that," "You did it by yourself!" "You should feel proud of how hard you tried." It's taken so much unlearning. This was a great video, thank you.
This is good, I have a gifted child that HATES to fail and so creating opportunities for him to fail is hard but also needed. I agree it’s tough to not say “good job” so we will work on this but I’ve noticed him loving praise.
I’m taking notes on this because my toddler is gifted and already “feeds” off of being praised, and we do praise him often. So like I said def taking notes!! Thanks for your comment.
Oh my God same here. I’m moderately gifted. It’s hard
Same here.! My 5yo is literally like a mini adult, everyone is constantly commenting how intelligent he is and praising him. I always use those phrases you mentioned like "You worked so hard on that!" And I tell him that challenging himself is extremely important and even more important than doing well in math and reading. I agree that it is very hard to unlearn, I still have trouble with disciplining myself and procrastination because my parents always said I was smart and doing fine.
The "you did that all by yourself, I'm impressed" is a good one though. I worked in childcare for a long time and it's difficult to be creative and individually responsive to each thing a child does well though. Sometimes "good job" is the best I can do too 🤦♀️.
My younger sister was a gifted child. She had this SUPER annoying educational toy called the Talking Scholar and when she got answers right it would say in a creepy robot voice "you are right". She got so addicted to hearing the robot voice saying that phrase, she learned exactly which buttons to push on the toy so she wouldn't even hear the questions, JUST this horrible dystopian "you are right, you are right, you are right". Eventually the toy broke...and she had the most epic meltdown I'd ever seen. I wish my parents had addressed that issue...at all...because she had such a challenging time later on in college when she was surrounded by people who were not only gifted, but WAY smarter than she was.
Moral of the story do not just merely give compliments to your child rather give feedback that causes the child to reflect on what they learnt from performing the very exercise, that way the child learns to treat every activity as a learning curve and not a performance based activity ❤
Thank you!!! Needed to read it first. Ciao grazie!!
Basically, you don’t want to turn your child into a dog whose end goal is to only looking for that treat after performing the task. Make the growing & learning process the treat & they’ll continue both all their life.
Kids need balance they do need to hear they did a good job. They will end up thinking nothing they do is good enough. These experiments are set ups based on lies and tricking children.
Well said. I like this.
@YaH_Gives_Wisdom former gifted kid who got lots of priase for being smart and speical here, yes. Ive had to unlearn a lot. It's all about the process and the struggle and the effort to overcome the challenge. I wish my parents had seen things like this.
Encouragement is far better than praise in developing a child's character.
I do both.
@@rosemarietolentino3218i think i'll do it too, i have the se se sensation that "great, you can improve and you can do it" can work wery well together
True
6:08 Don't say anything
6:59 Acknowledge process, not outcome
7:20 Praise for things they can control (effort, attitude, responsibilty, commitment, decision making, compassion, generosity or respect.
8:15 Ask questions
8:35 Describe what you see (you did it!, how do you feel about what you just did?)
9:32 Thank them
9:49 Oppertunity to grow from their setbacks
Thank you for the video! I felt like you repeated yourself and the video starts at around 5 min mark.
Thank you for the comment, I like concise infromation
Funny thing is I use this strategy on tertiary level students...
Thank you✨
Yay thank you❤🎉
Good Job! 😂 thank you!
I am watching this to heal my inner child and to learn how I should treat myself as a grown up. Thank you!
😢❤❤❤! This is powerful! The inner child keeps on knocking man.
Good job! Lol. I am doing the same. 🇺🇸❤️🎯
Great idea!
Me too! 😊
Sometimes we have to reparent ourselves.
I know this is a video about parenting, but this has made me re-think how I give feedback to everyone in my life. It's such a small thing but sometimes it's the little things that helps encourage people to gain the confidence to step out of their comfort zone, whether they're 7, 27, or 70.
P.S. I have no children of my own but clicked on the video hoping to learn something new. Very glad I did.
Hello!Im planning on applying this to my own inner voice!😅
I spoke with a therapist about how effective positive reinforcement is with adults, like going out of your way to thank your partner for house chores can encourage them to continue helping, and it can help perpetuate a lot of positive behavior in those around you no matter the age 👍
Same!
💥
@@granmabern5283good idea....Thank you
I'm a pianist studying at Juilliard but grew up in a house where neither of my parents knew anything about classical music. For a while I thought this was a disadvantage, but coming out of this research I see where actually was the bedrock of my intrinsic motivation and growth mindset, because I wasn't looking for their approval, understanding, or interest in what I was doing, the challenges I was facing, or the obstacles I was overcoming, it was all me.
Wow. My daughter is in high school and is a bassist who plays classical and I know nothing about classical music. Thank you for this comment. I was so worried I wouldn't know how to help her with no musical ability. She aspires to study at Julliard as well.
Had the complete opposite experience. Im an artist and my parents didnt ever give me praise for my artistic efforts (I had the gift but I also worked very hard on being better)
They did however tell me how intelligent I was. Constantly. I strived for intelligence over art eventually. Now that I'm an adult I focus on my art again. My mom has become much more understanding in her old age and now I feel more comfortable being an artist. (My youngest brother went to montessori so she eventually learned alongside him)
I used to say (a ing other things) “hard work pays off”. I raised a daughter who went blind in one eye and had a retinal detachment in the other, so after surgery that eye was covered with bandages. Woke up the first night post-op and instead of asking for help, talked herself to the bathroom by saying (referring to a blind friend) “if Rita can do it, I can do it”.
Wow great spirit
Brave and confident!!❤❤😊
Better than fiction
I think that empty praises arises from not having enough time to dedicate to your children! I am a grandma now and I realized I have time to listen to my grandchild and when ever she shows me something for example a drawing: I take the time to ask her… what is it? This looks like water? Is it? She says yes and I ask: is it a lake or the ocean? Are they fish on it ? And ask questions about what she did why she decided to do that drawing… are you happy about the colors ? I noticed she draw a sun … I asked about the sunny day… I don’t feel that you necessarily need to praise them all the time! Some times yes but all the time no, because they will not be praised all the time in real life ! Acknowledgement is what they need more than constant praise!
good advice and good analysis
I totally agree, acknowledgement is the way to go!
I love your comment here.
I feel like my mom never bothered to get past her “good job, now hush and scram” pat-on-the-head brush-off you mention here.
Now that I’m grown she has no idea what I do for a living, where I live or how, who any of my friends are, and whether she’s a grandmother or not … because me telling her about my life has always been a waste of her very precious time, so I stopped speaking to her
Many parents seem lazy in parenting. As a former teacher of 9 -11 year olds I think some of this is due to mothers having to work outside the home to make ends meet. Subsequently, they may be exhausted. But there are also less excusable reasons and I also saw plenty of that. And of course fathers hold equal responsibility. Choose a partner wisely and consider not having children at all.
I find that too - the thing I can give my grandkids is time. I’m just not as busy as their parents are! Retirement is great. Time and attention are my specialty. And of course I love spending time with them too.
I read through many of the comments on this video and compiled a list of things we can say to our children instead of, "Good job!" (includes suggestions from the video itself):
-You worked hard on that!
-Thank you for helping me!
-You must have worked so hard to get that score!
-Simply notice what they did, like: "I see that you cleaned up the blocks!"
-You did it!
-You did it by yourself!
-You figured it out!
-You didn't give up!
-It must've felt good to _______!
-That took a lot of patience!
-That was a brave decision!
-How do you feel about what you just did?
-How did you think of that/come up with that idea?
-How does/did that feel?
-That looks like it was fun!
-Did you enjoy it?
-What do you like about it?
-What was your favorite part about ____?
-You should feel proud of how hard you worked!
-How did it feel to share?
-You were so considerate to share with your brother!
-He smiled when you shared with him!
-That's very creative!
-Do you like your drawing?
-What do you like about your drawing?
can you say it with a “Good Job” in the beginning of the sentence?
Thank you taking this effort. Now I can always refer back. 🙏
❤
THANK YOU! ❤
I was about to do this! Thank you for doing the legwork! I’m writing this list down tonight.
I was praised as a child for being so intelligent. School was so easy for me that i was often bored. I of course got into college but when i encountered challenges i thought i was just bad at it and so i would drop it and just quit. Still as an adult anything challenging that doesn't come easily to me feels like it wasn't meant to be and that's such a terrible way to look at life. I feel paralyzed and unable to make steps towards anything because I'm terrified of difficulty and failure.
me too tho, kinda make sense where did I get my feeling of failures coming from and scared to try new things bc I don't want to look bad in front of ppl.
i feel this as well, i fear most things in anticipation of a potential failure :,) its very frustrating and somewhat debilitating at times, makes you realize how difficult it is to get out of your own head at times.
Oy, yes. I was in my 40s before it finally occurred to me that the invisible judge and jury looking over my shoulder at every turn only existed in my head. I wish I had figured it out sooner, but better late than never. 🙂 For the most part, the people around us are also struggling with their self-created judge and jury, so are not paying attention to you at all. And if they are trying to "evaluate" you, it's always to try to make themselves feel better. They have to work that one out for themselves. Once you flick that weight off your own shoulders, you will be so busy with your own life, you will barely notice someone sticking their nose in. And, if they do, you can just ignore it, because it's them trying to justify their own existence. Nothing to do with you, really.
Haha, I was the same, school-wise. I breezed through high school, then got a rude awakening in college. I had to learn how to study for the first time. But, hey, you have your own life to live. You don't belong to anyone else's to-do list, even if they think you do. If you can turn off the "what will they think" habit, you will be free to just do. You can't have a skill until you develop it. No one pops into the world with their adult skill sets already in place. And learning new skills should be an adventure of gradual discovery, not a frustration that you haven't already mastered the new skill. If someone else has an issue with your process, then too bad. But I think you will find that the perceived issue with the process is self-created. I sure found that out about myself!
It's never too late to turn that around. Take little steps abd change your inner voice chatter
Sounds abit like me😢 But I’m working on that everyday. I stumbled upon this video and hope it helps all is us one way or the other.
I’m single without a child, but this is amazing information everyone should know!
Take it with a big pinch of salt!
Really though. I need to talk to myself this way.
Me, too, but - I'm a teacher . . . so this was really helpful as I look forward to a new school year
I was never given praise of any sort from my single parent mum. She only ever criticised every little imperfection. I was so afraid to make a mistake that I would avoid trying even if I could have done it. I was a natural dancer and pursued it as a career. That was the only thing my mum ever used to praise me for in front of other people. I hated it because it took no effort on my part, it was easy. I wanted her to praise me for my excellent grades, effort and diligence in my school work. For me, any praise would have been better than none.
Edit: As a mature woman now, I have learnt that other people's opinion of you doesn't matter, it's what you feel about yourself that counts. Self esteem grows with small accomplishments that snowball into greater ones. The lesson is not to repeat the pattern with your own children or others. Give praise where praise is due and ignite the little light that dwells within that soul. 💖
Same here. I'm sorry you had to put up with that. Growing up with a narcissistic mother is heartbreaking. I was deprived of any acknowledgement or encouragement. The only kind of praise I'd get is through them comparing me to others or that whatever I did was because of them. They would say something about me especially in front of others as if I was their trophy. This video is informative ❤ maybe this can help heal the relationship with self ❤
I think the Montessori take on praise, is about being so conscious and respectful of your child’s needs that you make them secure and not needful of outside approval. What you’re describing sounds like emotional neglect.
Same here. I never received one word of praise or encouragement and to this day struggle with any kind of confidence at all. Hearing “Good job” now and then couldn’t possibly have been detrimental.
Same here. My parents never gave me any praise and now I turned into an anxious adult always seeking for validation and people pleaser. I wish my parents would validate my effort a little bit, I would be so happy and relaxed at least :(
I agree so much, I would receive criticism a lot from my mom, but little to no praise. What you said absolutely highlight the life of my life. It does help for not me being so sensitive, but I just feel numb and feel like crying every time on the inside. My mom would constantly just shout everytime she sees a tear in my eye that "I'll be fired by my boss once I get my career, and you are lucky to always be shouted at so you wont be sensitive". You're not wrong, but you wronged me.
Every time she "comforts" me back when I was a child, she would always be saying I'm using an excuse. Now, she always try to calm me down, because I achieve so much now. I feel so frustrated and pissed at her, where was she doing my early youth?
If I ever hear praise, it does turn a light on me, but it feels so weird...I remember just my mom saying that "you like hearing praise instead of criticism because you cry" well yes but you made me not like criticism NOR praise.
Sorry this comment turned into a vent haha. It's better to vent it out then bottle it up. Don't worry, I have learned to appreciate my own accomplishments and I shouldn't care if they are proud of not to me, because I'm my own person and I'm only a best friend of myself. To the comments above, I'm sorry you went through it, I hope you are doing okay right now. Keep on battling, it won't bother you forever.
Makes a lot of sense. I was a child of overused empty praises and I can see how it has made me always feel like i need some sort of validation.
Yes yesss. I'm struggling with basic adult tasks now.
I’ve been working on this with my 1 year old. I tend to just state what she did in a non-judgmental way. “You cleaned up the blocks!” “You brushed your hair!” Not sure if that’s really the right thing to do but I feel like it also helps with her language skills since I’m giving her the language to express what she’s doing/done.
That's what I've done with my kids and they are older now and I think it's worked well. Not obsessed with getting praised, very intrinsically motivated, and yet they still feel like I am very interested in what they're doing and they like to show me. But if I'm busy or not there, it doesn't ruin their experience at all.
When I care for children who are accustomed to so much praise all the time, they're driven to prompt me to evaluate every little thing they do. It's exhausting 😫!
"See how I cut the paper? Did I do a good job? Will you do it for me? Does this look cute? Do you like this? Is this how I use the glue? Did you see how I put the lid back on? Did I do it right?"
Listen, kid, you're not doing me a favour by making this craft, so if you're not enjoying it for itself, why are we even doing this?!? That's what I want to say, but I don't.
Even adults enjoy the observation kind of praise better than a generic "good job". I accidentally did it a lot to my sister on the weekend, and she's told me that I must come with her to her workplace and make my comments there to improve the vibe. 🤣 (Just things like "that marshmallow is so evenly toasted!" or "You made this fire really quickly, it must have worked on the first try!")
Thank you both for your insightful advice.
@sprouting, can you update us as if you think it helped?
As a mother, aunt, teacher, I would ask, “How does that feel?” Increases self-awareness, they self-reflect and begin to notice how they feel about their own efforts and results.
Yes!!! It's all about creating the ground for them to develop intrinsic motivation!!!!
Yes. 🙌🏻 I also like to say, “that looks like it was fun!” And, “what do you really like about it?” It gets them talking about it instead of just asking for my praise.
@@KK-ce2hfThis is awesome!
And it enhances their ability to express themselves.
I’m homeschooling and I need to change my ways. I noticed yesterday that my youngest keeps asking did I do a great job. So I’m going to use your tips here 👏🏾👏🏾
As a grandparent and retired teacher, I agree with the spirit of this video. As adults, we need to vary our praise and encouragement to our children as well as other adults. We all enjoy being recognized, but hearing the same things becomes meaningless quickly.
I think your take resonates with me the most. To this day (at 50), my mom gives exaggerated praise for anything. Regardless of effort or outcome. So it has the reverse effect and actually makes me angry and embarrassed.
i think the most important thing one can do with their child is spend quality time with them. just talk. share. laugh. cry.
Nah. Kids need parenting from parents. Quality time means teaching, caring, nurturing time...Kids need parents. Not just emotional overgrown “siblings.”
My parents did not praise or encourage my siblings or myself. They somehow let us know we had to excel. We are all totally neurotic adults.
I hope you're healing❤️,
Completely understandable. I imagine other “pathologies” were present as well. Sorry. Totally get it.
No all, thank you very much. "All" is almost always a poor choice. "Totally" also almost always a poor choice. Well done using 2 poor choices in a single sentence.
I get it. I think my step-mom had OCPD. She was kind of a "Mommy Dearest" type. She would hover over me while I was doing chores, screaming at me for not doing it "right", but never telling what the "right" way was, just that I was bad at it not using "enough elbow grease". I have zero recollection of anyone sitting down with me helping me with homework ever in my life. Homework was like being grounded to your room, screamed at until you were crying, and then left alone to do the actual homework.
I'm middle-aged, in therapy, on meds, have a full roster of great doctors for all my needs, have a great job, but an OCPD manager that I have to navigate like I'm a ninja, and occasionally I catch myself saying "I'm glad I'm alive" or "I think I'm happy", and those are unfamiliar sensations to begin having.
These seemingly small moments a person might have as an adult, can be huge, life-defining moments for a child.
@@MrWaterbugdesignWell done being cruel in one comment, for no apparent reason other than trying to boost a sagging self esteem by cutting down a total stranger. 🧌
As a 54 yo raised as a Montessori kid I can vouch for this method. I raised my kids this way as well and they, like me, are highly self motivated.
This makes perfect sense to me, I was made to feel I wasn't good enough and couldn't do anything right as a child, I'm the last of 6 children and everything was blamed on me, I went on to become the most skilled and financially successful in my family and now they all depend on me. Not praising me pushed me to be better than those who received praises HOWEVER, it could've been done in such a way that didn't leave me traumatized.
Best advice: kids are unique let their praise be unique
I love this. I don’t have kids but it’s helping me realize why I am the way I am.
I would say instead of saying “you did it!” Ask if they enjoyed doing it…
Because then they might start looking at things as a means to an end.
I love that question. I often ask my nephews/niece what they liked about it, or how they came up with the idea to do that. I love hearing them explain and be proud of their work.
I often tell my students, “Hard work pays off” when they achieve success.
I work at a big community services center and I hear "Good Job!" on a daily basis, from parents, caregivers and educators, more times than I can count. I also see its corrosive effects first hand. On top of everything you mentioned, there's also something saccharine and condescending about it. It feels false and placating to me.
On those occasions when I have to interact with kids, I always try to talk through things with them and, if the interaction requires praise, then I think of what I'd say to a peer in the same situation (usually "Thank you") and I say that. I've noticed that they really seem to respond well to that kind of treatment.
Glad to have this video for vindication. Thanks.
At first I was watching this thinking, “Then what the heck am I supposed to say and do?!” but this all makes sense to me. I realize as a child I could be much more interested in what everyone else thought of my work instead of doing it for myself and my own growth. To this day I have to practice being okay with simply enjoying my own progress alone. Thanks. Subscribed.
Praising "wisely" is key. I worked in preschool before raising my six kids. I was around so many "empty praisers" in the preschool world I learned to give specific and natural feedback, and also learned that it's okay sometimes to say nothing at all. I tried to affirm effort over outcome. It is tricky with different personalities but I think everyone appreciates his or her effort being recognized, even if it didn't lead to "success."
This is true my Dad used to give me $100 only when i got an A and $50 when I earned Bs. The forst time i recieved a bad grade i went into depression and was ashamed to show my grades ever again. I still struggle with making mistakes. But i have decided to go back to college as an adult! This was a very accurute video.
It's not just their effort but persistence. At life, the one who gives up, loses.
My parents didn't praise or worry about my schooling at all (I was top in class so there was no need to). The feeling I got was just that it was my own business and responsibility how I do. I think it preserved my intrinsic motivation.
Just to add, they had much more interest in whether I ate enough fruit, played outside enough and did healthy kid things, not that they lacked interest in general. Like still I feel my mum is way happier with me eating some garden berries than my phd 😂
Well my parents never appreciated my grades too but it took a heavy toll on me and I was confused when I came across your comment thank god for your addition I got it that they in general ignored my existence (seriously I would have gotten kidnapped if not for my brother; their excuse is they were busy(my mom is housewife) that they were preoccupied and never really wanted to have a third kid and were gonna abort but father didn't wanted to. So here I m 27 doesn't mind crying in public, no intrest in romantic relationships, no good job or either academia just simply plainly waste of breath on this earth. Man I need help🤣
@@tarika6476 you should definitely try to find a good therapist so that it would click that your parents disinterest in parenting has nothing to do with your value as a person. I quite like the RUclips channel psychology in Seattle as a guide what an empathetic therapist would sound like
I never counted myself but I think I say good job to my son more than 20 times a day (at least! Lol). It's going to take a while for me to incorporate this but I'm going to give it a go. Love your videos thanks girl
Oh, same!!!
I love this! However the phrase “hard work” is one I avoid and use “ challenging work”, based on the energy. What you say is what the universe sends your way. If you always say work hard, that’s what you’ll always get, more “Hard” work. Challenging work, insinuates the ability to try without feeling overwhelmed.
I had the same thought, encouraging "hard work" might make someone prone to choosing difficulty because they think suffering/pain is a virtue.
"Challanging work" sound very good, because it describes the situation as it is. The fokus is not put artificially on the person/ child, but what needs to be done / solved gets attention.
Im just halfway to be agreed. I think kids need to hear that they "did good" as well. Just maybe not that often and on any occassion. But I think not hearing it is also sad in some way. Recognition from the patent is one of the most important things for the child. Although I agree that it is important to explain to kids that they do things for themselves,not for the appraisal of parents. But still,every kid longs to hear words like "youre the best","you did well","I am proud of you". I think its also important what we teach them to do during difficult times. Are we there for them. Do we listen and not judge. Can we have the patience even if something seems obvious to us. Thats a huge part of Montessori that contributes to the success of the children, because Montessori emphasises to concentrate on kids progress not on the pace. I think we have to bear that in mind that probably its not just down to say or not to say a few words that makes the difference.
I agree we can find the happy medium. It all depends on the child, and the adult meeting them where they are. Giving encouragement and recognition when needed.
My daughter is just over 1 and I like to say “you did it!” And I’ll change as she gets older. I want her to feel confidence in what she does so I try to clarify that SHE did it! Whatever it is. And yes I’m so excited to change to “wow, that was hard but you did it” or “you’re so good at ____!”
Hi, so if I say oh you're so good at... is that the same as good job? I want to learn how speak to my son wisely too. Thank you
@@samuraioodon Yes it's still fixed mindset. Instead you can highlight the improvement your kid made.
I wish I knew this (about) 39 years ago when my son was starting his school years. As the “baby” of the family and left on my own from roughly 10-11 years old I only had condemnation from my mother. Nothing from my dad. So basically I didn’t know what to do. When I had my son my husband was stationed in Kentucky so I was cut off from family and never had anyone who could pass down motherly “wisdom.” So raising my son was a battleground. I tried praising him but nothing I did worked. My husband signed him out of school when he was 15-16 years old. I didn’t know about it which is what my husband intended because he knew I would never condone it. I have begged him to at least get his GED but he has staunchly refused. Unfortunately I think my grandson is headed in the same direction as his parents. After you mentioned it I realized my daughter in law uses “good job” all the time. I’m always on the lookout for some new construction going on in the house. That’s what I think of when I hear the term. Your video needs to be listened to by school teachers everywhere. They use the term as well. Thank you for airing this. Even though it’s a little late for me maybe it will help other moms!!
This just gives me even more respect for my parents. There is so much nuance to raising kids, and one could say that this is all common sense - and yes it should be. But it's an art and a science, all born from empathy and intuition. Two things humans tend to lack. Thank you for explaining all of this so well! 💚🙏🏻🕊
Whatever brings sparks to his eyes such as “you are learning a lot, you picking up more great concepts”
I will always remember, when I was about 8 years old, I had a very difficult time with mathematics. I studied so hard and worked so much, but I failed often. Every time I took a test and failed, my mother would take me to a pastry shop and buy me a treat (she did it when I passed the test, too). Whenever I tell this story, people are weirded out, because they say my mother was rewarding me for failing. She wasn't, though, she was rewarding me for having tried my best, even if I failed, and I knew that and always gave it my best shot. She always told me that what mattered is that I tried my best, even if it was difficult for me. In the end I went to college and have a good job, and I am so thankful to her for helping me do that every step of the way.
I was that gifted child who had parents who based my worth off grades and merit. Growing up, I struggled with impostor syndrome and anxiety- even now as a grad student in physics. As someone who wants children someday, I will definitely raise my kids as individuals who will not be afraid to think for themselves... I don't want them seeking external validation for their sense of worth (like I did).
14 September 2023. My daughter is about to turn 28. I haven’t ever really understood why she has anxiety. This video has hit me hard. It explains so much about how misguided parenting was in the late 90’s. Everything was praised but not like this. She is now a teacher of young children and I am embarking on helping some 6 year olds. This should save me from repeating my mistakes. I am so grateful for your effort in putting this together. Thank you.
It hasn’t hurt my 3 year old granddaughter. She recently spent over an hour of continual painting on a huge canvas in deep concentration and focus. She never gives up and drills on every newly learned skill. Her parents have slowed down in saying good job since she is 3 now but developed a healthy confidence and perseverance in ages 1-3.
I was thinking that.. a balance of both seems good to me. You don’t want them to no be proud of being smart, and you also don’t want them to not feel pretty or handsome. And if they did a good job, that is also valid! Praising only effort can also be a covert: “kudos for the effeort, but you didn’t quite nail it..try harder next time…” , which is valid on ocassions, but always?? Woukd make me feel not good enough…
I think a healthy mix of all is better…
This montessori daycare where I worked at, we were taught to only say good job when it was a skill that the child had been working towards and achieving new milestones. Like with potty training or being quiet during the entire naptime if that’s something the child struggled with.
If for example they were to do arts and crafts, we would never say ‘good job’ when they were done because otherwise that would teach them that they weren’t allowed to just explore and create things for fun. And that everything they made had to be a well done creation so that would put pressure on them to achieve this and receive a ‘good job’. Then they would think hearing such praise is all they had to work towards.
I’m not sure if I’m explaining this correctly as English isn’t my first language but we would essentially praise them only on work that they had achieved together. Like saying for example: “you guys have put away all the toys and helped each other clean up, you all did a great job at that, look how clean it is!” Or “I think it was very sweet of you to offer to take turns in playing with the doll, that was such a good idea of you”.
me: no kids.
inner child: I'm listening..
I like this in theory, but for kids whose love language is words of affirmation, hearing encouragement that just falls short of being proud of our kids and letting them know it can cause unintended harm than doing the good this approach promotes.
This is absolutely true. I grew up in such an environment. I was always praised by mother and sibling for the work I did. Now, years later I always need😢 someone to appreciate me on daily basis and I feel worthless when nobody does. And I always complain to my husband for not appreciating me always. I have a 1 year old baby, I always appreciate her thinking that’s correct. But, after watching the videos I understood it’s my mistake. Thanks a lot for this precious video.
I absolutely agree 💯
These were one of my observations when I got to university. The kids who performed great in high school n weren’t doing so great in varsity were super hard on themselves when they weren’t achieving their usual high grades. The average ones were always optimistic.. even a fail would encourage them to do better. Whilst the smart kid would see the fail as the end of the world.. this is where your depression, anxiety, dropping out would start
I failed a milestone o’level exam at school (age 14) which meant I could not progress to the advanced level course. I am very happy to report that it did not dent my lifelong interest in this subject.
I have no children but educated them for twenty years. I could recognise how parents brought up their kids by the child’s behaviour towards praise & no praise and how well ( or not) the parents did during parent - teacher meetings. I give praise to you for caring about how you compliment your daughter. More parents need to watch this video! Thank you for sharing. Your child is lucky to have you as a mum. 👏👏👏🥰
It’s eye opening. As a kid I thrived off of praise and was on honor roll , Straight A student, in advanced classes, etc. When I got accepted into a high school for gifted students and was supposed to be in AP classes, I was scared I wasn’t going to be as smart as all the other advanced students, so I opted for regular classes which were too easy. During that time my parents were fighting and separated and I stopped receiving praise. I withdrew and started skipping classes and by my Senior year, I missed so many classes, I almost didn’t graduate. I did that because I was no longer being fed praise, so I stopped trying. I was never doing it for myself. I find myself over praising my 4 year old daughter now and she doesn’t seem to want to do anything without seeking my approval and praise for it. She is constantly asking me if she did good or did I like it. I am truly seeing the pattern now. It gives me an opportunity to correct that behavior now.
What I understood:
1. Don't say good job
2. Acknowledge Process, Not Outcome
3. Direct praises towards effort, attitude, decision making, generosity, responsibility and commitment
4. Ask questions (Do you like the painting you made? rather than saying good job)
5. Say Thank You when they help you
6. Let's see what you did, Let's see what can be done (when child is frustrated and is unable to complete a task)
What I did so far:
1. I provided my praises when my kid looked at me after they achieve something after many tries
2. I appreciated them when they helped me
3. I said You can do it when they had second thoughts.
To my students I don't just say only "good job", I ask them how they thought of it/came up with the idea. It engages the child and makes them think of their process. It also calls out kids who have used help from AI or their parents to do a piece of homework.
I wish helicopter parents and teachers would remember that: 1, everyone deserves to learn (at whatever pace) and 2, empty praises deprive a child of the ownership of that hard work that they've done; the message they get is, "you've made me happy" rather than, "you applied yourself and proved you can do it yourself." . Children are not empty vessels we fill ideas into. They are living, creative beings that should be allowed the joy of self expression just because of their enjoyment of it.
I appreciate “you applied yourself and proved you can do it yourself.” Thank you
This was a thoughtful assessment. I particularly liked “everyone deserves to learn” and children are not empty vessels … but living created beings …
I like the quote "a mind is not a vessel to be filled, but a fire to be lighted". We should focus on igniting curiosity, rather than forcing facts in there.
You sound like an amazing teacher, I wish more were as engaged with their students as you are, well done for your insight and wisdom ❤
I was a Montessori mom for my two oldest children. The best decision I ever made. I was so intrigued by the structure that I took the Montessori Teaching Program here in California.
You worked really hard on this.
Learning how to support a child is something I never learned as a child so this is amazing and incredible.
Thank you for this, very eye opening. As a single mom of boys I'm constantly afraid of breaking my children mentally because already they lack a male figure in their little lives. I want them to grow in confidence and self drive. Thank you
As a child who was IQ tested and had that information presented to me every time my grades weren't the very best, I can testify that the easier path was always my choice. I knew what I should be doing but I also knew it was more work than I was willing to expect of myself and I didn't want the conflict with my parents.
I’m a babysitter and I’d like to use these compliments more as I often say good job.
I have noticed that when kids are colouring in and they show me their progress, if I say something like “That’s very creative” it encourages them to try different things with less fear of staying “in the lines” or making the picture “accurate” colours
This is interesting. I'll try that!!
6:59 Acknowledge process, not outcome
7:20 Praise for things they can control (effort, attitude, responsibilty, commitment, decision making, compassion, generosity or respect.
8:15 Ask questions
8:35 Describe what you see (you did it!, how do you feel about what you just did?)
9:32 Thank them
9:49 Oppertunity to grow from their setbacks
Thank you for the video!
This resonated with me.
Just yesterday I watched my kid completely recoil when I overly praised a painting she did. It was clear she didn’t want that reaction. This video made me look at things differently.
Thank you!
I think that she makes a lot of good points in this video, and I personally like hearing good job when it comes to myself haha but also the more in-depth comments on efforts are really good. However I think that it really depends on the rest of the relationship the parent has with the child. So for example if a kid gets praised for art or cooking (even in a Montessori way) but is belittled, mistakes pointed out, the parent doesn't really spend time with them, or treats them badly, I don't think that even praising in a Montessori way would do much good bc the praise has to be genuine and be truthful to the kind of relationship the child and parent have. If the parent praises but is a jerk to the kid all the time then the kid might not believe the praises, but if the parent genuinely and lovingly praises the child and has a good relationship with the child I think that both "good job" or Montessori method will make a profound impact on that child.
What if a child comes and shows a piece of work that I actually don't like? In that case the most authentic would be to calmly express the parts I like and parts I don't, otherwise I would be lying to my child and being inauthentic, that is hurtful too! No?
Thank you for this video! I still work with pre-schoolers at a bible study. One of my favorite things to say to children is "good job". Now I see that this kind of praise is not really helpful for the child's growth as a person. I will work on this to change my way and the child's way of thinking about themselves
I think a lot of adults are watching this realizing they grew up with a fixed mindset/parent/people pleaser mindset.
This video is of great help to being an adult.
The first time a child helped me clean up, I was so shocked I exclaimed, “good girl.” Then I had a little talk with myself and noted that she doesn’t have the schema to understand that it is a chore and making a big deal about it makes it a lightbulb memory instead of just a helpful act. It also reinforces the behavior as exemplary when it should be deemed natural. Also, as you mentioned, they will then look to be praised for every act, which is unhealthy as it increases anxiety to always be good and unsustainable because if you neglect to comment they may think they are not being good. They might even become dependent on your approval of their behavior which inhibits their drive to take initiative. So the next time a child helped me “I said thank you for helping me, I really appreciate it.” This was an improvement for me.
Oh I love the way you've thought this out. I'm going to keep this in mind as my son gets older, he'll be two soon. Thank you for sharing. ♡
I think I understand now how it encourages growth but When I was little I had a teacher who always said "good effort" or "well done for trying/taking part" and it made me really sad - like nothing I did was good enough, it was frustrating... but maybe children do need to hear a "well done" or "Good job" or "I like what you did" now and then when they really do a good job??
This vidéo seems to teach that compliments are not always necessary but should always be sincere and pertinent .
Thank you very much Haize 😊 this is a new lesson to me. I used to say "You are so smart" to my little brother as an encouragement, but I'll change now
A smile of quiet approval, admiration and appreciation goes a long way...
My parents are of both Vietnamese and Chinese descent, and in my family, the concept of praise was virtually nonexistent. My parents didn't have high expectations for us, but they also rarely showed praise or encouragement. During my high school years, I reached a point where I felt utterly lost, unsure of my aspirations, and lacking motivation to put effort into anything.
Now, at the age of 34 with a 3-year-old son, I make it a point to offer praise when he does well and provide encouragement when he faces setbacks. I do this because I want to ensure that he doesn't experience the same feelings of aimlessness and lack of motivation that I went through.
Wow! God really wants me to be the best mom. How I bumped into this video is pure miracle. I'm so happy to learn this right now. We just turned five and I've been praising hing with good job so many times 😢😢Now I know better and I will switch my conversation to the positive and growth-oriented praise.
Thank you for taking time to teach us.
I say Good Job a lot haha, but Ive also made it a point to say thank you a lot. My child really enjoys helping, and I can see that through saying thank you he's really cared for helping and contributing.
This lends into the whole "im proud of you" phrase. We should be saying "you should be proud of yourself".
I wish I knew this when my children were young. This makes so much sense!!❤
This video made me realise so much about myself and my childhood. Thank you
This aligns so well with my instincts as a caretaker. I still feel weird about the inflated praise I continue to receive as a young adult, and the culture of the daycare center where I work involves so much inflated praise that it has pushed my interactions with the kids in the same direction. This is great inspiration to get back to what I know is right. Thanks for a great video!
I do Piano lessons for students, and I see this anxiety in children every day. Feeling the need to make me happy can really make things hard for them, especially when they think they have done well and it's wrong. i think that the video made some very valid points on how we over-complement when all we need to do is acknowledge their effort. I think what she is saying they need to learn to acknowledge themselves and their own accomplishments .. Independence comes from their
I’m a grandmother now so I really appreciate this advice. This really makes sense. I noticed the “good job” thing really took off in the 80s or 90s. I noticed that many born in the past 30 years tend to look outwardly for praise or compliments. Social media exasperated this trend. Thank you for the video. I will put this into use and share it. 😊😊😊
Thank you for your effort to creat this video. (Yes, im learning! 😊) I am not a parent but i think this will also work for adults in my work team. One time, my teammate told me he doesnt need praise, like "good job" or "well done". I was surprised to get this feedback thinking "who wouldnt love being praised?" 😅
Yes. True.
It sounds hollow to me. Something more specific might be appreciated, such as “ I like the way you presented ---“😅
I grew up in the era of over-praising. Now I am a parent and I aim to give my girls positive feedback. Validation should come from within and challenges are there for your growth.
I really like to say “you did it!” To my nephew. It’s so cute when he does something and then goes “I did it”
I like the asking the question,’ how does that feel’ good way for them to learn to be aware and process their feelings 👍🏼
Thank you for this video, it helps me recall part of my childhood experience.
As i watched, i began to recall instances during my childhood where my relatives or mom's friends were excitedly praising me "so clever" for the simplest things I've done.. and i remember feeling "insulted". And they would ask "don't you like people praising you?"
As a kid i don't know how to reply, but in my heart i was thinking, "these were just extremely simple or natural things to do" and doesn't require them making a fuss of it. Although their intention may be to encourage or to play nice, those "insincere" compliments did make me self-conscious and robbed me of the joy of doing those things, because i did not want to come across as doing it to pleased them.
So i totally agreed with this video that we could be robbing the child of their intrinsic motivation by lavishing inappropriate praises.
Thank you for this video. I'm not a parent but I've always had an issue with parents telling their children, "Good job!" To me, this sounded like the child had performed some sort of work or difficult task ... and as you say here, that he/she needs the reward of this praise. And this ends up becoming a habit for parents who will often automatically say this. If the child opens a door or has a conversation with grandma or eats all his/her dinner, I've heard a parent just automatically say "Good job!" When it becomes automatic it loses it's meaning.
I like to incorporate both, good job at cleaning your room, it looks amazing and heaps of space. This is because our children need to understand that adult life is all about a job. Responsibilities and praise work hand in hand.. I can't imagine encouraging any mother or father not to tell their children they are clever..
My daughter stood on top of the slide with no hands and called out look at me look at me! I tell her, she is very clever but can she please hold the safety railings instead.
Thanks for this video . I’m a grandma and learning the better approach to my grand baby.❤
I love that you said to focus on directing praise at things your kids can control, I’ve heard not to say good job but I love that you have direction on what to replace it with and areas to focus on.
I love the idea on how to praise children without saying "Good job! let's focus on their efforts when they accomplish something and talk about it.😊 That's how we raised wise and confident children.Thank you for this wonderful video. I love it 💕.
This is such a simplified view that it hurts. I know many parents who takes this advice literally and stop complimenting their kids and also stop giving any negative feedback. This causes kids to have no clue at all on how to behave and they turn into horrible brats.
You should communicate your emotions clearly, and if you like their progress you should say so. But yes, always praise progress and tell them you understand the struggle they went through to get it.
I enjoy this kind of mindset and feel inspired to use it not just with kids but with those I train at work. I think this will greatly help me with some of the summer students that struggle with the work at the beginning.
Well said! I CANNOT AGREE MORE! 🙌🙌 and thanks for reminding us that it shouldn't be all about when kiddos do something praiseworthy, it should also be about when the make mistakes!! We often forget how important it is the way we react to their mistakes and failures. Love this video!!! 😄
Wow, THIS is how we can avoid raising more narcissists 🥹 Hopefully future generations will grow up in a kinder world than we are living in now ❤️
I was continuously praised as a child for being intelligent, to the point I hated it because it seemed like it was my only good feature. Also, being intelligent is mostly just luck. I was on the verge of becoming one of those brainy, mousy, serious people (and, being a woman, discarding my femininity too). It took me years to work on myself to believe I can be kind, agreeable, warm, or even creative.
Solidarity. As another clever woman, I was told “someone will marry you for your intellect.” They didn’t just think it, they said it. It was meant as a compliment. Worse still: somebody did.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing.
As someone in the top 1% of measured IQ myself, I *always* keep top of mind that my intellect is a gift from God, and I tell my children and grandchildren the same. However what we do with that intellect is our responsibility and approaching all things in our lives (no matter our position on the IQ bell curve) with excellence in execution is far more important. Consistent growth and development, personally and professionally, is the goal, and failure is a tool in growth that we should all embrace. Intelligence is but one factor in a spectrum of other controllable factors (practicing kindness, empathy, generosity of spirit, self-control, perseverance, discernment etc.). We do have to be very careful not to become one dimensional in what we value in ourselves, or in what we recognize as valuable in others, especially our precious little descendants.
I don’t agree that being intelligent correlates with loss of femininity on any level. That would be a conscious choice. People of very high IQ (150, 160+ ) have personalities as diverse as any other segment of any population.
I agree 💯% . I made sure to teach my children from a young age that having a virtuous character is WAY MORE important to me than degrees etc. I do encourage them to get those, but they know it's their Loving hearts towards themselves and others that I value most. I'm happy to say, I can see it in their attitudes today ❤
This is terrific. You really understand this at a deep level. When Dweck's book came out I read it. As a teacher it was clear how good it was. Then realizing I was still making mistakes praising my students I read it again. Then our education bureaucracy got a hold of the book. For two years I went to trainings and staff meetings where every single time they completely got it wrong. (Consider most of education is a system where they size you up as soon as they meet you, or hear the rumors about you, and then will do almost anything to hang on to that prejudice.) Then I attended a training where the presenter finally got it right. So there's some Growth Mindset required to understand these very basic concepts.
And terrific that you point out when praise isn't needed. When I was in the supermarket with my son when he was almost three years old, he asked where something was. I knew, but I said, "I don't know. Ask that guy over there." Then I turned away. A store employee was stocking one of the coolers. I'd immediately decided it was my moment to learn more about the jar of gefilte fish that was near me at that moment. He didn't want to walk over and talk to some stranger.... you could almost see the wheels spinning around in his head... but....he walked over and asked. Then he came back, told me where it was. Okay, we immediately skipped a bunch of aisles, found the item... No praise, just problem solved.I figure my job was to hand him a puzzle, and to reinforce his success support his solution as soon as possible. I learned a long time ago that having a problem and figuring out a solution is a complete positive reinforcement cycle all by itself. There's only a loose correlation between innate levels of intelligence and life success. Intelligence is an advantage, but a lot of very average people have learned discipline, how to break down a problem, and persistence. They probably got a lot of it through what Dweck (and you) are explaining.
This gives me so much hope! Im doing my absolute best breaking these generational chains passed to me and im so glad im aware and in control of not wanting the old ways for my son, its such a blessing to feel that there are so many people out there trying to make the world a better place starting with their children xx
I am trying to do the same, break these chains so they have it better than I did. But honestly the more aware I am, the more I realize how messed up I am and that I need help (therapy) for myself and my girls. So hard!
Parents determine how a child see’s the world. We determine our children’s self esteem or lack thereof. The eyes are the windows to the soul. We parents determine weather it is good or evil the things they focus on.
Efforts put forth are far more important to me. ‘Good Job’ places me as the judge. I do not want to put myself in a judge position. 😊
I use Dweck’s growth and fixed mindset information when helping companies change their safety/quality/production culture. The employees respond very well to it. I am a grandma and I also use it with my grandchildren as well and I can see the difference from when I was raising my kids. You live and learn. Thanks for creating this video. I enjoyed it very much.
This has been my life. My parents praised every time I accomplished something. As a grown up it has become extremely hard for me to do something for my own sake instead of looking for people to validate and praise me so that I can keep going. These days, I am trying to figure out how to reparent myself to break out of this pattern. This video has been helpful, thank you for making it. ❤
I could have written this exact comment. Sending you good energy on your reparenting journey! ❤
I think you can do both. Praise the effort and the intelligence.
8:15 kids will literally show you anything they've created because they're proud of it. Asking questions without saying you like it, will make them think they didn't create anything pretty and that you don't like it. And saying "thank you" when they've helped with a chore may make them think chores are not their job, but they will help if they feel like it. I prefer explaining that we need to, for example, wash clothes after we wear them because they are dirty, hang them to dry and then fold them and put them away, same with the dishes, etc. and I've noticed my son even not "bothering" me and waits for me to finish something when he can't help, then comes and show a toy or drawing to me. It helps if they get to know the process behind everything. But otherwise a really good video, I'm glad I stumbled upon it and watched it.
Thank you, Hazy!
It is a very informative and inspirational video which let us learn about practical ways of some wise praise and their rationale. I am a mother of a 5-year-old boy. He has a rather reserved character. I often praise him with an aim to "give him positive reinforcement" whenever he has accomplishment. I have an awareness of praising my child's effort (e.g. perseverance, hard-work) rather than the outcome. However, my son's reactions showed that he was not comfortable with my praise. I was very puzzled. After watching your video, I learnt that praise from parents could be a source of stress to kids. They may just need our (simple) acknowledgement of their effort. Even more importantly, they learn to be happy about their own accomplishment without others' judgement .
By the way, I am a new subscriber to your channel. Thank you for sharing so much Montessori ideas with us! I would love to learn more from your channel and keep watching. Thank you!