It often seems as though women process breakups faster than men do. In today's episode, I explain why it takes men so long to get over it. The reality is that you never lose someone all at once. While the structure of a relationship can be dissolved in 30 seconds, the bond that ties people together is only weakened when the individuals in question decide to emotionally invest in other relationships. Men persist in heartbreak longer because they do not adequately grieve their relationships and/or refrain from investing in other women. Join my community: the-captains-quarters.mn.co Buy my book, "The Value of Others" Ebook: amzn.to/460uGrA Audiobook: amzn.to/3YfFwbx Paperback: amzn.to/3xQuIFK Book a paid consultation: oriontarabanpsyd.com/consultations Subscribe to my newsletter: oriontarabanpsyd.com Social Media TikTok: www.tiktok.com/@oriontaraban Facebook: facebook.com/profile.php?id=100090053889622 LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/orion-taraban-070b45168/ Instagram: instagram.com/psyc.hacks Twitter: twitter.com/oriontaraban Website: oriontarabanpsyd.com Orion's Theme: ruclips.net/video/WrXBzQ2HDEQ/видео.html Thinking of going to grad school? Check out STELLAR, my top-rated GRE self-study program based on the world's only empirically-validated test prep system. Use the code "PSYCH" for 10% off all membership plans: stellargre.com. Become a Stellar affiliate and earn a 10% commission for every membership purchased by a new student you conduct into the program: stellargre.tapfiliate.com. GRE Bites: www.youtube.com/@grebites4993 Become a Psychonaut and join PsycHack's member community: ruclips.net/channel/UCSduXBjCHkLoo_y9ss2xzXwjoin Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world. #psychology #breakup #heartbroken
The timing of this video is uncanny. Today is the last day at my apartment I shared with my girlfriend of almost 5 years. We lived together for 4. Last month she came to me and said she was leaving and found a new place. She moved out Saturday and I’ve been here alone cleaning and finishing what needs to be done before turning in the keys which I did about 30 mins ago. As I got in my car to leave what was my old life, I looked for something to listen to on my way to get coffee and this video came up at the perfect time. Thank you Orion for your words of wisdom. I wish I had discovered you sooner. Anyone going through loss right now, you aren’t alone. Stay strong 🖤 I will too.
Maybe it's better for you. You will feel better after the pain.Just accept that it takes time. Maybe a year at least. Focus on your growth as a man, dont drink or do drugs.
IMHO. When guys are young, most of us are much more emotional than we are willing to admit, or even realize. When we get those first tastes of rejection, it’s a bitter pill to swallow. It can really bring out the worst in us. Jealousy, anger, violence, hopelessness, self pity. It’s terrible, and it seems to last forever. Think of it as one of the many fires you’ll have to walk through on your journey from boyhood, to adulthood. From a fresh faced newbie on the front line, to the weathered, stoic old soldier. Learn from your mistakes. Try not to repeat them.
People in all kind of relationships fight about three underlying key groups of themes : -Power and control -Closeness and care -Respect and recognition Healthy relationships follow a circle of harmony, disharmony and repair.
No woman ever fought for me, they all moved on VERY quickly, none ever tried to get back with me and there are none whom I could call up and reconnect. So I got that going for me.
I appreciate the advice on being supportive of your exes finding new love. I’ve had 2 boyfriends and they both broke up with me because they claimed they wanted better for me. It was so hard for me at the time because I thought “why can’t you just be better??” The first even tried to get back with me but had to stop himself and said “it would purely be for selfish reasons and it wouldn’t be fair to you.” It took a long time for me to realize it wasn’t that they weren’t good enough or didn’t care for me, they just didn't feel right for me. When I met who they moved onto, I understood what they needed and I was happy for them, both for finding new love and for giving me the space to move on too.
It's not so black and white. I have options, but I am still stuck focusing on my ex, 4 months after she left. Options on their don't mean they are good enough...
Watching her get excited over someone else, when she has contempt for you….. Seeing her have genuine desire For the other guy … Knowing how she talks to him - not the way she talks to you…. Realizing the bond she has with him, All while being irritated by the sight or thought of you…. Seeing her words to him through text, Through email Realizing she’s able to be her true self, And it’s nothing like the way she talked to you They don’t move on unless they’re done with you…. There is no coming back guys
Wow. Me and a girl became serious very fast and both agreed to end it two days ago. I turned down 2 girls who invited me out today and the girl I split from said she was going partying tonight but would cancel it to see me instead. But I declined it because we both agreed to end it and it was the right decision she is just struggling to not see me and I remained solid in the agreement. Was still tough though knowing she was out partying. Then this video appeared. Great timing
i broke my heart as a junior in high school and told myself never again. i focused on my studies, career and fitness. i waited for the girls i liked to approach me or give me choosing signals. if they didn't give, I just walked away because you can't manufacture attraction. you attract what you are.
@@Looksmaxxedat41 yes, that's what I did afterwards. thank you. I've had 2 beautiful girlfriends afterwards and a very cute wife with an amazing body (Victoria secret's level). I'm 55 but hoping for one last opportunity...
@@Looksmaxxedat41 i have master's degrees from Stanford and Chicago and worked in investment banking, management consulting, and asset management. plus I'm not hard on the eyes. dr taraban's advice reflects my experiences since my teens.
Wow, you were 100% spot on, as always. I ended a relationship 12 months ago, she waited for me and actively pursued me despite the fact I was a cold-hearted piece of s*** for around 4 months. She met someone and things went quickly, they moved in together and my dogs were now his too. I wanted her back so bad I begged for months and entered literally a state of depression for a few months. I’m doing a lot better now but man it hurts. Everything you explained in this video has been exactly my experience. I gain comfort knowing that I’ve at least learned my lesson and have grown a lot from this experience.
Her moving on was a great thing.. it took the negative and dangerously vindictive fixation off of me.. Turns out that she found her value (which is low) and I found my value which is high - my time is the most important commodity and it is allocated to the flow state.
Orion, I truly enjoy how you authentically describe the feelings around breakups…I find myself smiling and nodding yes in agreement. Thank you for all your time and energy producing such amazing content 🙏🏽.
My ex left me for his ten year mid life crisis affair. I quickly got a no fault divorce. Euphoria. He continued to let himself into my house, eat the food I cooked, watch movies and take naps in my bed while I was at work. I changed the locks, sold the house and moved four states away. According to my son, he still drives to the old house and sits in the car.
I had Euphoria. Narcissistic abuse has a way of making it easy to check out. Also, getting dragged out of a shoe store by my hair for looking at a pair of silk leopard print spike heels I wasn’t allowed to have.
I'm laid up in bed with hand, foot, and mouth disease for a few days, and i come upon this video. My gf moved out a little over a year ago. I'm still having somewhat of a hard time with it, but somehow watching this video and reading some of the comments sorta clicked with me. I think maybe now I'm ready to move on and quit feeling sorry for myself. Time to get stronger and focus on myself.
I got divorced in 2019. I think I’ve been pushing it off, but I haven’t ever processed it nor discussed it even w my therapist. I’ve had a few relationships, which have been a distraction, but we remained friends; eventually she was probably my best friend. There’s still a bond, but a friendship one. We had separated a few times prior but (obviously) got back together. This time I moved from WI to AZ and we went through the divorce. It stung when I learned she was getting married, sold ‘our’ house, and was going to move in with him. Apparently it imploded because she left him, and the guests, standing at the altar. I chuckled, because I never, ever would have pegged her doing that. I was glad. I moved back to WI, and she invited me to stay, which I did for six months. We played with our dogs often, fell asleep together, bc of the dogs, on her gigantic couch, but never had romantic inclinations or mentioned getting back together. I think we may have tried, by holding hands a few times walking our dogs. It felt natural and familiar, but at a friendship level. Maybe we just made better friends than lovers.
Best friends cannot be fully romantic with each other without compromising friendship. Romantic lover cannot become best friends without compromising romantic attraction.
I think this is true about grieving for some, but I think the key is to be happy for your ex. If it didn't work out with you guys once, it never will. I was overjoyed when I found out my ex girlfriend got married, I loved her but didn't want her back, we were bad together. I truly wish her the best and nothing but happiness.
You grieve it immediately when the breakup day is being told “new guy” is already in the game and her heart is already there. No “process” just done. That hursts like hell, but the one advantage is it forces dealing with it immediately and no consideration of “getting back together”.
My advice to men and women is to equip yourself with healthy self-love. In all relationships, be respectful and caring. However, never expect them to be the source of your happiness.
@jdsartre9520 It is the power of God but it's not magic.
5 часов назад+7
Those words are so true. It's hard for me to admit but even if I left my ex, I still crave our connection and am jealous of her new boyfriend. The love she gave me was incredible.
Her image in your head is different from her true self. How to get over her: 1) Sincerely wish her well. Want her to find happiness with another man. Don't be bitter and petty. 2) Remember she is an ex for a reason or two. She doesn't love you. She doesn't deserve your love. 3) Rewrite the story of the relationship in a way that gives you closure. 4) Accept that it is over. It is for the best. Move on. 5) Build new relationships.
no problem getting over someone emotionally... A little harder to get past it when they take half your check with them and you can't afford to buy your kids a drink when you have visitation with them.
You have just to learn to walk away, that's it. At this point, when a woman say to me, I just say "ok" and I never look back. I don't need options or other women to have dignity and self-respect. When you are hard on you, go to the gym, diet, learn new skills etc., it's always her loss.
If you say "it's her loss", it means you still care about her feelings and that means you are not over her. Until you think she is just another person on the street and you don't care about what she thinks/feels, you are not over her.
@@rayrwyr No, that's just the way I see things, so when a woman break up, I always think it's her loss and I don't speak about a particular woman, I spoke about women I have known. And if I was not over them, I would have take them back when they came back but I didn't. And despite all that, we are human, so our brain will remember people from time to time, we are not robot !
The exception to this is when you don't realise that the relationship is all that bad and then you find out that your spouse has been cheating on you for a while and is now just making it official with the new person by announcing this to you. The relationship was already over, but you didn't know it and it feels very sudden. I speak from experience there.
I'm getting divorced right now. The value of others helped because I had a nagging in my mind that the book was able to give form to. Thanks Orion, your channel and book have helped.
was in a relationship, i love her and turns out over time the feeling is not mutual. she carves out a big piece of my heart, it haven't start healing. that and watching my parents living a relationship full of spite and resentment, watching relationships fall apart over nothing, and looking at the model "modern women" makes me afraid to love again. maybe someday i will love again but i think it will be far far in the future. my wellbeing and limited sanity is too precious to be jeopardized over something as trivial as love.
How to get over her: 1) Sincerely wish her well. Want her to find happiness with another man. Don't be bitter and petty. 2) Remember she is an ex for a reason or two. She doesn't love you. She doesn't deserve your love. 3) Rewrite the story of the relationship in a way that gives you closure. 4) Accept that it is over. It is for the best. Move on. 5) Build new relationships.
I noticed she's gained weight. Sometimes I wish her well. Sometimes not so much. She did humiliate me and break my heart after all. Her betrayal was the kind that was only possible with trust and vulnerability I showed her.
This definitely agrees with my experience! The grief from my first ever break up lasted a lot longer than my second. In my first one I was glad to be free and didn’t cry or anything. Once I saw her with someone else, it destroyed me over and over again for a long time. As for the second one, I took the time to cry and be sad but it only lasted a few days to a week. This is how many women move on so quickly. They get it all out and then they’re ready to bounce back quicker than us men.
It took me about 3 years to get over her. When we started, she said: "We are so similar". Then she said: "Let's always stay friends even if we break up". Then we broke up and she said: "We are too different". Then she said she never wants to meet me again.
"you only break with someone when you start to care about someone else even more." Doc, you should patent this line; I felt the whole world tremble when you said these words. You just put into words what I have also instinctively known but never heard someone say so eloquently.
If you understand people are looking out for their best interests, its easier to not hold on to negative feelings too long. Focus on what should your priorities be and things you learned, you couldnt have found out any other way. You’ll be okay. I hope this helps someone
Your spouse having a new relation is not the only way to lose someone. Imagine you spouse dying, this is quite sudden, but it takes some time to process
widowed. I lost her in Winter 2019. I still cry every day. She got breast cancer and did not get better. I don't know how to fix this yet. I am not available to any other woman. Alpha widowed. She was so good.
Once you find your own inner peace and peace being alone and rebuilding yourself... then the past bond becomes easier to break... you can "care" about the person just because you have a good heart, but doesn't mean you have to act on it... Block the person...delete their number, ignore the emails and press forward with your life.
"..or hasnt prioritized a new bond in the intervening time." well if it was so easy to find a new bond, there wouldnt be much reason to grief over anyway. It wouldnt be much of a loss if i could just get a new equally important bond in the matter of days or weeks. My personal strategy in dealing with breakups is to write down in a document what truly went wrong, or copy the logs of our last conversations/quarrels, so should i one day think to myself "man was there really no way to save this? im such an idiot." i can look at the logs and say to myself "jep...this was hopeless. would break up again."
A relationship doesn't end when it ends. It ends when we realize it can't be started again. Also, I sincerely want all my exes to do well. I just still want to do better than them at the same time
I went through a break up recently, because of cheating; so it was unexpected. Even though was hard, the breakup was as you discussed, I focused it as a business decision; but is inevitable to miss. Sometimes I admire myself for the process.
I am so sorry, it must be horrible. I have been through break ups but just recently I realized that no one ever broke up with me. I had never thought about that before.
I asume that she cheated right? I cheated.. not proud of.. lot of blunders.. And now I miss her but also understand her. The feeling of guilt and the grief is very tough man.
Oh, but it IS possible to lose someone all at once. You talk about finding that she's now devoted to someone else. That may very well be a turning point, for those men who believe that she was at some point devoted to him. For me, and I suspect many other guys, there comes a moment when I realized that she was never devoted to me at all. She monkey branched her way to me, and had her eyes on her next branch right from the start. When I discovered that, I got to experience all of my grief at once. I promise that there were no followup stages, and there's never been a rearward glance. That was 15yrs ago.
@Tiosh yes. Evidently I'm pretty dumb for a smart guy, because I kept chasing and kept getting burned. I didn't start to get redpilled until about 8yrs ago and it didn't really sink in until about 3yrs ago. I probably won't bother with another relationship, because I obviously can't trust my picker. I do miss the sex every once in a while. But having a little peace and quiet is worth far more, and I don't think it's possible to have both.
My last ex came back to me about 8 months later but I guess our bond was broken at that point because it didn't work out. I wasn't seeing anyone else yet either but he must've sensed I was starting to finally move on. He messed me up all over again though by coming back. I feel it was selfish because he broke my heart pretty bad the first time! Making me go through it a second time was cruel. But I should have turned him away but I just couldn't. I still loved him so much.
I’m dying right now man. I love this woman so much, and she seemed so unsure at the breakup. 48 hours before we broke up she told me she wanted to marry me, and be with me forever…. I’m giving her time. No contact for at least 90 days to see if she reaches out. I’ll be getting to my best self in the meantime, then I may reach out just to see how she’s doing.
I am assuming she broke up. There is no such thing as "we broke up". Don't be a victim of her drama any more. Don't give her another chance unless you want to get your heart broken again. She will reach out to you if it does not work out with her other lover (her current true love). Go no contact with her permanently. Well, some men choose to learn the hard way.
Seems to me like human beings are serially monogamous, i.e. we move from one partner to the next during our lives. If more people realized this, i.e. its normal for one relationship to end and another relationship to begin, potentially this could help people to accept nothing is forever and to enjoy each relationship while it lasts.
This video was triggering because I gained understanding but deep down I know this is why in my case an ex left and I had to start all over. It came out of nowhere, once moment we are planning to get a home together and the next he was done. He was in a relationship with another woman no less than a week. I asked why do this and I asked what I did. His reply was nothing, he just wanted someone else. In all honesty the woman was prettier, well established and came from a great family. It hurt like hell, but its true the relationship ends when he or she finds someone else, even if you are not aware yet. You just think this is a time that you both can look at as growth, but the truth is when times are difficult, the other person is gone. Although he has tried to come back, I wish him the best. I still don't have anyone, but I have that lesson in human behavior.
Yeah, I definitely think there’s a big difference to how fast a man or woman falls in and out of love. i compare the way we men love to a dimmer switch and the way women love to a flip switch. a man’s love gradually grows or gradually fades and women seem to just be able to flip it on and off in an instant
Guess I lucked out. My friend of 30 years hooked up with someone else first. The realization of it being over took perhaps a moment of thought. Then it was a matter of leaving all to her and rebuilding my life from scratch into a self actualized representation of my true self instead of a product largely shaped by her projections. I haven’t looked back.
The chemicals that create affection and outright dependency on someone you really Iove, increase in the brains of men as time goes by. For wm0en, it's the opposite; it decreases in time. This is why mne experience breakups more heavily and why almost always someone who has self-deIeted because of a breakup is a mna.
@@thechicanes It's something I've noticed the capricious comment block here does to me. If I use those words, they most often hide my comment. It's very siIIy and I have no idea why YT does that to me. But it does.
As you age you realize that losing a woman is never a bad thing. I don’t care how good the benefits of being with her were, the scale of value was and is always tipped towards you as a man. Going forward you’ll save money, time, energy, focus, attention and sanity. She will now be the next man’s joy and pain, headache and pleasure. Nothing that she gave you is irreplaceable. Get back to being yourself. A few hard sessions in the gym and some new prospects will make your ex a distant memory. You’ll smile again bc now your smile is no longer co dependent on hers. There was a time when you were happy without her, and you will be again. My advice to every western man is to be more and more selfish
I highly recommend the book. Before I got it I was worried that it would be a boring read because I have already watched so many Dr Orion videos, but it seems to cover certain topics in greater depth and was a fascinating read. My rationale was to get the book to support Dr Orion, whether I found it interesting reading or not, so it was a nice surptise that it turned out to be so good.
Mine was a uniquely awful experience. We took a few years to break up, we were both to blame for different reasons, but mostly damage from her past causing irrational and reactive behaviour, and my inability to truly commit (never cheated) and give her the feeling of security and safety she needed. Partly as at 40 I was still carrying regret about sucking at dating and not being able to meet women naturally. Anyway I thought I had moved on, but several years later randomly ran into her a few times, shared a coffee and brief update on our lives. But it triggered a deep sense of regret and grief over losing her, along with extreme jealousy at her being with someone else. Am ok now, though do find it hard to switch off the film reel in my head of our life together. Struggling to even find a date in my 50s isn't helping with the moving on.
Today is the first day, that I feel relatively fine after my breakup a month ago. Is quite fast for a man, but I hope I will be totally fine in couple weeks. And I’m talking about „love of my life”, „woman tailored perfectly for me” kind of caliber here.
Timing is crazy considering I had "the talk" a few of days ago. I would say this was the healthiest relationship I've been in. For all intents and purposes this girl was great. We had chemistry and we both had a growth mindset. In general I felt very comfortable and at ease with her. The issue came up when it became apparent she had a very deep betrayal wound. It meant I was slowly but surely walking on eggshells around other women. I didn't want her to think I was fooling around with anyone yet she was still overly jealous, and took any opportunity to "call me out" on any behavior she deemed suspicious. It reached a breaking point over time, and that is when I decided to call it quits. It hurt like hell, but I find myself in peace at this moment. Granted it has only been three days I can't help but feel differently about it. Compared to other break ups I don't see me latching onto some victimhood sob story nor blaming her. Instead I'm deeply thankful for the experience and for her love. In turn I wish the best for her. I feel other times I would've said it without meaning it, but I'd like to think I truly mean it this time. It's a first because breakups were so messy for me. I had very little control over my emotions, so I'd generally make a fool of myself one way or another. This time around I don't have any certainty, but I have acceptance of it. I don't want to shy away from any emotion and I don't want to sit idly hoping to get over her. Instead I want to focus on my wounds-my traumas and my journey to self understanding. Another thing I feel has been very important is this agreement I made with myself. No matter what, and no matter how I feel I will be kind to myself. It's tough as it is to go through a painful breakup. Adding on top of it an overly critical mind and it becomes torture. I want to love and accept myself-whether I'm single or in a relationship. Whether I feel good or not so good about myself. I feel hopeful for what's to come, although I'm well aware the rollercoaster ride of emotions a breakup brings. The mourning process is hard to pin down or track. It seems to be all over the place with some peaceful moments in between. But I feel more accepting of it than ever before.
Sad when it takes them seeing you happy with someone else to realize what they've lost. Literally any point before that would have been redeemable, but waiting until you're being appreciated by someone else is immaturity at its finest. If your ex only reaches out because they see you with somebody else, you dodged a bullet. Let them go forever... With love.
Because I wanted to protect my children from the fact that their mother was a cheater, I kept it to myself, divorced and still wished to reunify our family. It took me 17 years to tell them the truth and detach myself from that relationship for good. I am not saying that it is the best path forward. One learns as he goes through hardships. But that is an illustration of difference between the physical separation and the emotional one.
The large number of "this video was timed perfectly" comments has me guessing that many many relationships end in the Christmas season, which would make sense given all the social pressures. Has anyone heard of studies that confirm this?
Curious about your waiting for her to leave the home for 3 years. Given "no fault" divorce in most places, would it have made a difference if you had left instead? Is it different where you live?
@_FightForYourFreedom_ nj 15 years but never married, blessing and a curse.... i tried the nice route and gave time..offered to sell and give her $ to start over....eventually tried eviction and spent 30k on laywer, lost. im a traditional man i bought the home and paid every single bill the entire time, in that time she built a million dollar a year salon and still never paid a bill even while being a "roommate ", she knew how to make life a hell and succeeded. Eventually yes I had to leave( i couldn't just walk away, be homeless and I was broke at that point so I fought like he'll for my home. I also had a big dog so I couldn't rent anywhere, dog died, a friend had a room for me and I did have to leave, sell the home for no profit because the second I left she changed the locks (kept all my stuff to i never got back in even involving police, she threw out my dogs and my father's ashes....) couldn't show house just sold to a flipper who was willing to take her on as his problem. I never looked back, will never speak to her again, its been a year and I'm just starting to scratch the surface of all that was wrong, myself included taking all necessary blame and working on those things. This actually felt great to type out. Thank u
The good news is that moving on is much easier in post-feminist America. This is because women -- particularly younger ones -- get hung up on two things: Their careers and chasing some Chad or Tyrone. And they can't make investments there without reducing their investment someplace else. That someplace else is you, so the loss to you is minimized. Years ago it took longer to process things. Now, it's far easier to say, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out." Also, accumulating a few battle scars helps. When I was younger, I might have said, "I can't live without her." Now, I see a very happy life I have built, and I realize I'm living better than I ever did before -- and without ALL of them. But that has a lot to do with learning how to choose happiness on my own and not depend on some other person to provide it, because nobody else can.
Couldn't be happier for her that the worthless person i married and divorced, the same person who defrauded the US government to get a green card and use me like an open checkbook and tried to kidnapp our child to a foreign country and then after failing to do this illegally, attempted to us the US legal system to accomplish the same goal - found someone equally pathetic to spend her time with.
Best way to get over someone. Not move on from someone. The point of the joke is that it’s the play on the juxtaposition between the words ‘over’ and ‘under’.
This is frankly a dumb saying! It’s very deprecating to the value of others and further dirties the dating pool. Using another person to subdue your wounds won’t treat the root problem. Prioritize healing ffs 🤦🏽♂️
@timilehinajao8127 Exactly. If someone's idea of healing is whoring themselves out, that's disgusting. Have some respect for yourself.. If someone is capable of rebounding right after a long-term relationship, it shows how little value relationships hold in their life.
/‘…so long as you and your ex lover are alive, your relationship is not dead’ says Blase Harris in his book ‘How to get your lover back’ I have been shocked since the death of my Mother (which triggered an older grief) that the sorrow I had for my boyfriend of some 40 years back has still very much been festering inside me. At this late stage in my life I realise I will never be free of him.
You are so-called "Alpha-widow". In Titanic movie, the actress at her very old age still constantly remembered her teenage fling with Leonardo in the Titanic ship.
My ended relationships had no kids or dogs. I always thought that having had kids or dogs made the breakup a bit easier, because it provided an excuse for a bit of contact, which provides a level of comfort even if the love is gone, and also the continuity of having the kids or dogs still in your life so your former life has not completely ended.
this is just not true. I have ever moved on quickly from any man i loved. Months and months , sometimes years of grieving while these dudes just find someone else right away and get on with their lives like nothig happened
Yes. Women love for what the men do for them. Women treat men like men treat their jobs. Women are always looking for better offer. So when she finds a bigger better deal, she dumps her man and quickly moves on. For her, there is not much emotional attachment to deal with. Women initiate the breakup 80-90% of the time. Women cheat far more often than men (according to female relationship expert Sadia Khan). Since a woman is always scouting for bigger better deal, she cheats frequently as part of her search process.
Hi doc, thought I’d mention a piece of equipment if it interests you for your content creation. Elgato has a teleprompter thats really good and has a built in screen. Keep up the great work! Love all your videos
I do agree and it definitely is my experience, but I don't want her hooking up with anyone else (even though she did it right in front of me and our former friend group in front of said group). I'm not qualified to make the diagnosis, but I am certain she has BPD. So I hope she chooses to get the help she needs in order to stop hurting other people and herself before latching on to another man, but I have zero faith that she ever will.
I lost the girl I thought I’d marry 3 years ago. The pain was excruciating. I recovered, but then learned she had started dating someone only one month after our breakup (might have been cheating), which threw me right back to the pit. Next up will be her marriage, which will actually be a level I’m looking forward to since that will be bottom. Wish I would have met someone else to bond to….
Really not, you're on the right track. But be cautious about the grieving part - when you come to know of your ex's relationship don't let it pull you down. You don't have to go digging about her now and inflict self pain now, let things unfold naturally. If you come to know about anything be ready to face it, if you never learn anything about her well and good carry on with your life without the surprise attack of the sudden grief
Cut all ties AND focus on yourself. Go to the gym, travel, see your friends. If you have the feeling that you're not growing and are left back alone, then it's time to care more about yourself.
haha i remember when my ex was with someone new , i couldn't sleep , i woke up at random intervals at night , one of the things that keep me away from relationships
05:33 = If that is typical, then I am atypical. I grieved more or less almost three years during which my ex - as far as I knew - was not in a new relationship.
True, this point of Dr.Orion contradicted my experience too, when my relationship ended I grieved it over a year but when I came to know that she moved on with someone else it helped me recover.
Everyone grieves and grows differently. Some need excessive distractions, other new target in life and others just sit at home for months and stare at the empty wall till they feel well again.
It often seems as though women process breakups faster than men do. In today's episode, I explain why it takes men so long to get over it. The reality is that you never lose someone all at once. While the structure of a relationship can be dissolved in 30 seconds, the bond that ties people together is only weakened when the individuals in question decide to emotionally invest in other relationships. Men persist in heartbreak longer because they do not adequately grieve their relationships and/or refrain from investing in other women.
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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.
#psychology #breakup #heartbroken
The timing of this video is uncanny. Today is the last day at my apartment I shared with my girlfriend of almost 5 years. We lived together for 4. Last month she came to me and said she was leaving and found a new place. She moved out Saturday and I’ve been here alone cleaning and finishing what needs to be done before turning in the keys which I did about 30 mins ago. As I got in my car to leave what was my old life, I looked for something to listen to on my way to get coffee and this video came up at the perfect time. Thank you Orion for your words of wisdom. I wish I had discovered you sooner. Anyone going through loss right now, you aren’t alone. Stay strong 🖤 I will too.
Stay strong.
5 Years is a joke man get married or break up at that point. I don't blame her.
@sammaier4485 your lack of empathy is only surpassed by lack of information about his relationship or the people involved.
Maybe it's better for you. You will feel better after the pain.Just accept that it takes time. Maybe a year at least. Focus on your growth as a man, dont drink or do drugs.
your fault for moving girlfriend in to live with
IMHO. When guys are young, most of us are much more emotional than we are willing to admit, or even realize. When we get those first tastes of rejection, it’s a bitter pill to swallow. It can really bring out the worst in us. Jealousy, anger, violence, hopelessness, self pity. It’s terrible, and it seems to last forever. Think of it as one of the many fires you’ll have to walk through on your journey from boyhood, to adulthood. From a fresh faced newbie on the front line, to the weathered, stoic old soldier. Learn from your mistakes. Try not to repeat them.
Totally agree!
@@facelessandnameless -- We become wounded stoic soldiers.
@@rayrwyr and some smart-ass female always asks "who hurt you?" - as if she cares.
People in all kind of relationships fight about three underlying key groups of themes :
-Power and control
-Closeness and care
-Respect and recognition
Healthy relationships follow a circle of harmony, disharmony and repair.
No woman ever fought for me, they all moved on VERY quickly, none ever tried to get back with me and there are none whom I could call up and reconnect. So I got that going for me.
Consider yourself lucky.
this is one of the worst feelings
I appreciate the advice on being supportive of your exes finding new love.
I’ve had 2 boyfriends and they both broke up with me because they claimed they wanted better for me. It was so hard for me at the time because I thought “why can’t you just be better??” The first even tried to get back with me but had to stop himself and said “it would purely be for selfish reasons and it wouldn’t be fair to you.” It took a long time for me to realize it wasn’t that they weren’t good enough or didn’t care for me, they just didn't feel right for me. When I met who they moved onto, I understood what they needed and I was happy for them, both for finding new love and for giving me the space to move on too.
“I had all and then most of you
Some and now none of you”
Ah, what song is this....
That song is devastating
@@danielktdoranie Take me baaack
To the night we met!
Lord Huron - "The Night We Met"
Oh. That’s good, in a tragic way.
A Lack of options definitely creates this feeling.
Options creat understanding of women as a whole
It's not so black and white. I have options, but I am still stuck focusing on my ex, 4 months after she left. Options on their don't mean they are good enough...
Watching her get excited over someone else, when she has contempt for you…..
Seeing her have genuine desire
For the other guy …
Knowing how she talks to him
- not the way she talks to you….
Realizing the bond she has with him,
All while being irritated by the sight or thought of you….
Seeing her words to him through text,
Through email
Realizing she’s able to be her true self,
And it’s nothing like the way she talked to you
They don’t move on unless they’re done with you…. There is no coming back guys
Wow. Me and a girl became serious very fast and both agreed to end it two days ago. I turned down 2 girls who invited me out today and the girl I split from said she was going partying tonight but would cancel it to see me instead. But I declined it because we both agreed to end it and it was the right decision she is just struggling to not see me and I remained solid in the agreement. Was still tough though knowing she was out partying. Then this video appeared. Great timing
i broke my heart as a junior in high school and told myself never again. i focused on my studies, career and fitness. i waited for the girls i liked to approach me or give me choosing signals. if they didn't give, I just walked away because you can't manufacture attraction. you attract what you are.
Interesting.
@@maximushung let women choose you
@@Looksmaxxedat41 yes, that's what I did afterwards. thank you. I've had 2 beautiful girlfriends afterwards and a very cute wife with an amazing body (Victoria secret's level). I'm 55 but hoping for one last opportunity...
@@Looksmaxxedat41 i have master's degrees from Stanford and Chicago and worked in investment banking, management consulting, and asset management. plus I'm not hard on the eyes. dr taraban's advice reflects my experiences since my teens.
@looksmaxxedat41 Yes, they should teach boys this instead of watching Hollywood films and learn from blue pilled male script writers 😅
Wow, you were 100% spot on, as always. I ended a relationship 12 months ago, she waited for me and actively pursued me despite the fact I was a cold-hearted piece of s*** for around 4 months. She met someone and things went quickly, they moved in together and my dogs were now his too. I wanted her back so bad I begged for months and entered literally a state of depression for a few months. I’m doing a lot better now but man it hurts. Everything you explained in this video has been exactly my experience. I gain comfort knowing that I’ve at least learned my lesson and have grown a lot from this experience.
Never get back with an ex.
Her moving on was a great thing.. it took the negative and dangerously vindictive fixation off of me.. Turns out that she found her value (which is low) and I found my value which is high - my time is the most important commodity and it is allocated to the flow state.
Orion, I truly enjoy how you authentically describe the feelings around breakups…I find myself smiling and nodding yes in agreement. Thank you for all your time and energy producing such amazing content 🙏🏽.
My ex left me for his ten year mid life crisis affair. I quickly got a no fault divorce. Euphoria. He continued to let himself into my house, eat the food I cooked, watch movies and take naps in my bed while I was at work. I changed the locks, sold the house and moved four states away. According to my son, he still drives to the old house and sits in the car.
Weird.
13 years of love bizarre.
He left you and you had Euphoria? No pain or grief? It means you had checked out from the marriage already and then he left you.
I had Euphoria. Narcissistic abuse has a way of making it easy to check out. Also, getting dragged out of a shoe store by my hair for looking at a pair of silk leopard print spike heels I wasn’t allowed to have.
The best way to heal is through self investment. You can then learn that it’s better to lose someone than losing yourself again
I'm laid up in bed with hand, foot, and mouth disease for a few days, and i come upon this video. My gf moved out a little over a year ago. I'm still having somewhat of a hard time with it, but somehow watching this video and reading some of the comments sorta clicked with me. I think maybe now I'm ready to move on and quit feeling sorry for myself. Time to get stronger and focus on myself.
I got divorced in 2019. I think I’ve been pushing it off, but I haven’t ever processed it nor discussed it even w my therapist. I’ve had a few relationships, which have been a distraction, but we remained friends; eventually she was probably my best friend. There’s still a bond, but a friendship one. We had separated a few times prior but (obviously) got back together. This time I moved from WI to AZ and we went through the divorce.
It stung when I learned she was getting married, sold ‘our’ house, and was going to move in with him. Apparently it imploded because she left him, and the guests, standing at the altar. I chuckled, because I never, ever would have pegged her doing that. I was glad.
I moved back to WI, and she invited me to stay, which I did for six months. We played with our dogs often, fell asleep together, bc of the dogs, on her gigantic couch, but never had romantic inclinations or mentioned getting back together. I think we may have tried, by holding hands a few times walking our dogs. It felt natural and familiar, but at a friendship level. Maybe we just made better friends than lovers.
Best friends cannot be fully romantic with each other without compromising friendship. Romantic lover cannot become best friends without compromising romantic attraction.
I think this is true about grieving for some, but I think the key is to be happy for your ex. If it didn't work out with you guys once, it never will. I was overjoyed when I found out my ex girlfriend got married, I loved her but didn't want her back, we were bad together. I truly wish her the best and nothing but happiness.
Always an enlightened perspective. We don’t, and can’t think clearly when emotional. These pearls help along the mental process required.
This does, in fact, fit with my own experience.
You grieve it immediately when the breakup day is being told “new guy” is already in the game and her heart is already there. No “process” just done. That hursts like hell, but the one advantage is it forces dealing with it immediately and no consideration of “getting back together”.
Say goodbye
To Alexandra leaving,
Then say goodbye
To Alexandra lost.
- Leonard Cohen and Sharon Robinson
My advice to men and women is to equip yourself with healthy self-love. In all relationships, be respectful and caring. However, never expect them to be the source of your happiness.
This video was literally an answer to a prayer I prayed just today.
Wow. Prayer must be magical power
@jdsartre9520 It is the power of God but it's not magic.
Those words are so true. It's hard for me to admit but even if I left my ex, I still crave our connection and am jealous of her new boyfriend. The love she gave me was incredible.
It was never love though, women can not love men the way we want. It is all emotional supply, that's all.
Her image in your head is different from her true self.
How to get over her:
1) Sincerely wish her well. Want her to find happiness with another man. Don't be bitter and petty.
2) Remember she is an ex for a reason or two. She doesn't love you. She doesn't deserve your love.
3) Rewrite the story of the relationship in a way that gives you closure.
4) Accept that it is over. It is for the best. Move on.
5) Build new relationships.
no problem getting over someone emotionally... A little harder to get past it when they take half your check with them and you can't afford to buy your kids a drink when you have visitation with them.
You have just to learn to walk away, that's it. At this point, when a woman say to me, I just say "ok" and I never look back. I don't need options or other women to have dignity and self-respect. When you are hard on you, go to the gym, diet, learn new skills etc., it's always her loss.
If you say "it's her loss", it means you still care about her feelings and that means you are not over her. Until you think she is just another person on the street and you don't care about what she thinks/feels, you are not over her.
@@rayrwyr No, that's just the way I see things, so when a woman break up, I always think it's her loss and I don't speak about a particular woman, I spoke about women I have known. And if I was not over them, I would have take them back when they came back but I didn't. And despite all that, we are human, so our brain will remember people from time to time, we are not robot !
The exception to this is when you don't realise that the relationship is all that bad and then you find out that your spouse has been cheating on you for a while and is now just making it official with the new person by announcing this to you. The relationship was already over, but you didn't know it and it feels very sudden. I speak from experience there.
I'm getting divorced right now. The value of others helped because I had a nagging in my mind that the book was able to give form to. Thanks Orion, your channel and book have helped.
What was the nagging about? If you don’t mind sharing.
@@beanrunnerWA what is the book title?
was in a relationship, i love her and turns out over time the feeling is not mutual. she carves out a big piece of my heart, it haven't start healing. that and watching my parents living a relationship full of spite and resentment, watching relationships fall apart over nothing, and looking at the model "modern women" makes me afraid to love again.
maybe someday i will love again but i think it will be far far in the future. my wellbeing and limited sanity is too precious to be jeopardized over something as trivial as love.
How to get over her:
1) Sincerely wish her well. Want her to find happiness with another man. Don't be bitter and petty.
2) Remember she is an ex for a reason or two. She doesn't love you. She doesn't deserve your love.
3) Rewrite the story of the relationship in a way that gives you closure.
4) Accept that it is over. It is for the best. Move on.
5) Build new relationships.
Dr. Orion dropping gems for free one after another... Doing the Lord's work good sir, this community is thankful.
Im an atypical male. I'm happy when my exes move on to other men. It really feels like I can let them go 😅
Even if you know she is not the one, it hits your ego hard when you see her with another guy.
I do miss my ex. It's been four years.
The good thing is that she changed so much that stopped me for trying to go back.
Tbh i wish well.
I noticed she's gained weight.
Sometimes I wish her well. Sometimes not so much. She did humiliate me and break my heart after all. Her betrayal was the kind that was only possible with trust and vulnerability I showed her.
3 here! Funny how it never gets better.
This definitely agrees with my experience! The grief from my first ever break up lasted a lot longer than my second. In my first one I was glad to be free and didn’t cry or anything. Once I saw her with someone else, it destroyed me over and over again for a long time. As for the second one, I took the time to cry and be sad but it only lasted a few days to a week. This is how many women move on so quickly. They get it all out and then they’re ready to bounce back quicker than us men.
Tomorrow marks the day I lost her, hell of a day to release this video doctor
She was never yours.
@@hachiroku8677 thanks jackass I love to hear that comment
It took me about 3 years to get over her.
When we started, she said: "We are so similar". Then she said: "Let's always stay friends even if we break up". Then we broke up and she said: "We are too different".
Then she said she never wants to meet me again.
@@Aivottaja I'm sorry to hear that man, I hope you're doing better
Wow sounds so similar to what my ex told me@@Aivottaja
One rule I live by and it's non-negotiable... never get back with an ex! NEVER!
"you only break with someone when you start to care about someone else even more." Doc, you should patent this line; I felt the whole world tremble when you said these words. You just put into words what I have also instinctively known but never heard someone say so eloquently.
If you understand people are looking out for their best interests, its easier to not hold on to negative feelings too long. Focus on what should your priorities be and things you learned, you couldnt have found out any other way. You’ll be okay. I hope this helps someone
Your spouse having a new relation is not the only way to lose someone. Imagine you spouse dying, this is quite sudden, but it takes some time to process
widowed. I lost her in Winter 2019. I still cry every day. She got breast cancer and did not get better.
I don't know how to fix this yet. I am not available to any other woman. Alpha widowed. She was so good.
Recurrent grief has become familiar and sort of welcome.
Try grief counseling.
This broke my heart to read… Blessings to you!! I hope you have some friends and family who can love on you!!
Once you find your own inner peace and peace being alone and rebuilding yourself... then the past bond becomes easier to break... you can "care" about the person just because you have a good heart, but doesn't mean you have to act on it... Block the person...delete their number, ignore the emails and press forward with your life.
"..or hasnt prioritized a new bond in the intervening time." well if it was so easy to find a new bond, there wouldnt be much reason to grief over anyway. It wouldnt be much of a loss if i could just get a new equally important bond in the matter of days or weeks.
My personal strategy in dealing with breakups is to write down in a document what truly went wrong, or copy the logs of our last conversations/quarrels, so should i one day think to myself "man was there really no way to save this? im such an idiot." i can look at the logs and say to myself "jep...this was hopeless. would break up again."
Sounds like a lot of work but thanks for the idea.
A relationship doesn't end when it ends. It ends when we realize it can't be started again.
Also, I sincerely want all my exes to do well. I just still want to do better than them at the same time
Hey, Orion. I can't believe you dropped this video just a few hours after I held someone special for the last time.
Your timing is impeccable.
„Leaving the apartment without HAVINT TO tell where you go to“ - this is exactly where the problem began
This is exactly what happened to me, just never heard of the explanation! Thank you!
I went through a break up recently, because of cheating; so it was unexpected. Even though was hard, the breakup was as you discussed, I focused it as a business decision; but is inevitable to miss. Sometimes I admire myself for the process.
I am so sorry, it must be horrible. I have been through break ups but just recently I realized that no one ever broke up with me. I had never thought about that before.
I asume that she cheated right? I cheated.. not proud of.. lot of blunders.. And now I miss her but also understand her. The feeling of guilt and the grief is very tough man.
If she cheated, the break up happened before.
@@sebastianazuaje4459 sorry to ask, what lead you to cheat? Sounds like you liked her and maybe still does. Was something missing on the relationship?
@@sebastianazuaje4459 yeah she cheated. I had lost my job and her boss was more interesting prospect.
Oh, but it IS possible to lose someone all at once.
You talk about finding that she's now devoted to someone else. That may very well be a turning point, for those men who believe that she was at some point devoted to him.
For me, and I suspect many other guys, there comes a moment when I realized that she was never devoted to me at all. She monkey branched her way to me, and had her eyes on her next branch right from the start.
When I discovered that, I got to experience all of my grief at once. I promise that there were no followup stages, and there's never been a rearward glance. That was 15yrs ago.
Its a horrible feeling knowing you were used though. It makes you very suspicious of the next relationship.
@Tiosh yes. Evidently I'm pretty dumb for a smart guy, because I kept chasing and kept getting burned.
I didn't start to get redpilled until about 8yrs ago and it didn't really sink in until about 3yrs ago.
I probably won't bother with another relationship, because I obviously can't trust my picker. I do miss the sex every once in a while. But having a little peace and quiet is worth far more, and I don't think it's possible to have both.
My last ex came back to me about 8 months later but I guess our bond was broken at that point because it didn't work out. I wasn't seeing anyone else yet either but he must've sensed I was starting to finally move on. He messed me up all over again though by coming back. I feel it was selfish because he broke my heart pretty bad the first time! Making me go through it a second time was cruel. But I should have turned him away but I just couldn't. I still loved him so much.
I’m dying right now man. I love this woman so much, and she seemed so unsure at the breakup. 48 hours before we broke up she told me she wanted to marry me, and be with me forever…. I’m giving her time. No contact for at least 90 days to see if she reaches out. I’ll be getting to my best self in the meantime, then I may reach out just to see how she’s doing.
I am assuming she broke up. There is no such thing as "we broke up". Don't be a victim of her drama any more. Don't give her another chance unless you want to get your heart broken again. She will reach out to you if it does not work out with her other lover (her current true love). Go no contact with her permanently. Well, some men choose to learn the hard way.
Seems to me like human beings are serially monogamous, i.e. we move from one partner to the next during our lives. If more people realized this, i.e. its normal for one relationship to end and another relationship to begin, potentially this could help people to accept nothing is forever and to enjoy each relationship while it lasts.
You do not get attached in the first place then there is no grief
This video was triggering because I gained understanding but deep down I know this is why in my case an ex left and I had to start all over. It came out of nowhere, once moment we are planning to get a home together and the next he was done. He was in a relationship with another woman no less than a week. I asked why do this and I asked what I did. His reply was nothing, he just wanted someone else. In all honesty the woman was prettier, well established and came from a great family. It hurt like hell, but its true the relationship ends when he or she finds someone else, even if you are not aware yet. You just think this is a time that you both can look at as growth, but the truth is when times are difficult, the other person is gone. Although he has tried to come back, I wish him the best. I still don't have anyone, but I have that lesson in human behavior.
If she wants to leave let's her go, wish her well,, good luck dear
As that old song goes:
Dont worry bout me I'll get along
Forget about me, be happy my love...
I LOVE YOU DR. ORIAN TARABAN ❤
Orion…my man. Your insights are epic and well timed
Yeah, I definitely think there’s a big difference to how fast a man or woman falls in and out of love. i compare the way we men love to a dimmer switch and the way women love to a flip switch. a man’s love gradually grows or gradually fades and women seem to just be able to flip it on and off in an instant
Beautiful analogy
If you're interested in researching more of this subject, look into the evolutionary psychology of "war brides."
@@symon_with_a_whythanks man
"She's an ex for a reason." A fact that can be hard to accept but must eventually accepted at some point.
Wise!
“May you never lose your woman over night”
John Martyn- May You Never
Guess I lucked out. My friend of 30 years hooked up with someone else first. The realization of it being over took perhaps a moment of thought. Then it was a matter of leaving all to her and rebuilding my life from scratch into a self actualized representation of my true self instead of a product largely shaped by her projections. I haven’t looked back.
The chemicals that create affection and outright dependency on someone you really Iove, increase in the brains of men as time goes by. For wm0en, it's the opposite; it decreases in time. This is why mne experience breakups more heavily and why almost always someone who has self-deIeted because of a breakup is a mna.
Where is the evidence for this?
Sheesh. Are we not supposed to spell man or woman correctly now? Whats next RUclips? ------- RUclips?
@@thechicanes It's something I've noticed the capricious comment block here does to me. If I use those words, they most often hide my comment.
It's very siIIy and I have no idea why YT does that to me. But it does.
As you age you realize that losing a woman is never a bad thing. I don’t care how good the benefits of being with her were, the scale of value was and is always tipped towards you as a man. Going forward you’ll save money, time, energy, focus, attention and sanity. She will now be the next man’s joy and pain, headache and pleasure. Nothing that she gave you is irreplaceable. Get back to being yourself. A few hard sessions in the gym and some new prospects will make your ex a distant memory. You’ll smile again bc now your smile is no longer co dependent on hers. There was a time when you were happy without her, and you will be again. My advice to every western man is to be more and more selfish
this comment should be pinned!
Learn something new from every one of these videos. Need to get his book. Good stuff. Thank you.
I highly recommend the book. Before I got it I was worried that it would be a boring read because I have already watched so many Dr Orion videos, but it seems to cover certain topics in greater depth and was a fascinating read. My rationale was to get the book to support Dr Orion, whether I found it interesting reading or not, so it was a nice surptise that it turned out to be so good.
Mine was a uniquely awful experience. We took a few years to break up, we were both to blame for different reasons, but mostly damage from her past causing irrational and reactive behaviour, and my inability to truly commit (never cheated) and give her the feeling of security and safety she needed. Partly as at 40 I was still carrying regret about sucking at dating and not being able to meet women naturally.
Anyway I thought I had moved on, but several years later randomly ran into her a few times, shared a coffee and brief update on our lives. But it triggered a deep sense of regret and grief over losing her, along with extreme jealousy at her being with someone else. Am ok now, though do find it hard to switch off the film reel in my head of our life together. Struggling to even find a date in my 50s isn't helping with the moving on.
Today is the first day, that I feel relatively fine after my breakup a month ago. Is quite fast for a man, but I hope I will be totally fine in couple weeks.
And I’m talking about „love of my life”, „woman tailored perfectly for me” kind of caliber here.
Stay goal driven. You can do it!
10/10 for today's video! Thanks Doctor 😊
People may not be able to control every situation and its outcome, but they can control their attitude and how they deal with it.
Wow. This one hit home on a few counts. Very helpful. Thanks.
Own Your Relationship Attachments & Detachments in exactly the same way! 💙👍🏼
Timing is crazy considering I had "the talk" a few of days ago. I would say this was the healthiest relationship I've been in. For all intents and purposes this girl was great. We had chemistry and we both had a growth mindset. In general I felt very comfortable and at ease with her.
The issue came up when it became apparent she had a very deep betrayal wound. It meant I was slowly but surely walking on eggshells around other women. I didn't want her to think I was fooling around with anyone yet she was still overly jealous, and took any opportunity to "call me out" on any behavior she deemed suspicious.
It reached a breaking point over time, and that is when I decided to call it quits. It hurt like hell, but I find myself in peace at this moment. Granted it has only been three days I can't help but feel differently about it. Compared to other break ups I don't see me latching onto some victimhood sob story nor blaming her.
Instead I'm deeply thankful for the experience and for her love. In turn I wish the best for her. I feel other times I would've said it without meaning it, but I'd like to think I truly mean it this time. It's a first because breakups were so messy for me. I had very little control over my emotions, so I'd generally make a fool of myself one way or another.
This time around I don't have any certainty, but I have acceptance of it. I don't want to shy away from any emotion and I don't want to sit idly hoping to get over her. Instead I want to focus on my wounds-my traumas and my journey to self understanding.
Another thing I feel has been very important is this agreement I made with myself. No matter what, and no matter how I feel I will be kind to myself. It's tough as it is to go through a painful breakup. Adding on top of it an overly critical mind and it becomes torture. I want to love and accept myself-whether I'm single or in a relationship. Whether I feel good or not so good about myself.
I feel hopeful for what's to come, although I'm well aware the rollercoaster ride of emotions a breakup brings. The mourning process is hard to pin down or track. It seems to be all over the place with some peaceful moments in between. But I feel more accepting of it than ever before.
Perhaps she should make you her FWB so that she won't have the expectation of monogamy and hence she won't have the fear of betrayal.
As always, you are wise in matters of the heart.
Who didn't mention this evolution in women in used to moving on quick when their men were killed in battle. You can be forgotten in a heartbeat.
You lose her really fast when she moves directly from your house to the next dude's place.
Especially if he lives close by and she drives 😋
Sad when it takes them seeing you happy with someone else to realize what they've lost. Literally any point before that would have been redeemable, but waiting until you're being appreciated by someone else is immaturity at its finest.
If your ex only reaches out because they see you with somebody else, you dodged a bullet. Let them go forever... With love.
Because I wanted to protect my children from the fact that their mother was a cheater, I kept it to myself, divorced and still wished to reunify our family. It took me 17 years to tell them the truth and detach myself from that relationship for good. I am not saying that it is the best path forward. One learns as he goes through hardships. But that is an illustration of difference between the physical separation and the emotional one.
Thank you for making this.
The large number of "this video was timed perfectly" comments has me guessing that many many relationships end in the Christmas season, which would make sense given all the social pressures. Has anyone heard of studies that confirm this?
nobody talks about the ebook Magnetic Aura by Takeshi Mizuki, but it’ll flip how you see everything
I went thru this and she wouldn't leave the home....3 years of this. Bankruptcy, the works, absolutely broke the bond then broke me
Curious about your waiting for her to leave the home for 3 years. Given "no fault" divorce in most places, would it have made a difference if you had left instead? Is it different where you live?
@_FightForYourFreedom_ nj
15 years but never married, blessing and a curse.... i tried the nice route and gave time..offered to sell and give her $ to start over....eventually tried eviction and spent 30k on laywer, lost. im a traditional man i bought the home and paid every single bill the entire time, in that time she built a million dollar a year salon and still never paid a bill even while being a "roommate ", she knew how to make life a hell and succeeded. Eventually yes I had to leave( i couldn't just walk away, be homeless and I was broke at that point so I fought like he'll for my home. I also had a big dog so I couldn't rent anywhere, dog died, a friend had a room for me and I did have to leave, sell the home for no profit because the second I left she changed the locks (kept all my stuff to i never got back in even involving police, she threw out my dogs and my father's ashes....) couldn't show house just sold to a flipper who was willing to take her on as his problem. I never looked back, will never speak to her again, its been a year and I'm just starting to scratch the surface of all that was wrong, myself included taking all necessary blame and working on those things.
This actually felt great to type out. Thank u
@_FightForYourFreedom_ i typed my whole response and youtube keeps nuking it
I cant keep typing it sorry
Nj
Absolute nightmare
The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!
This video was just perfectly timed, jeez
The good news is that moving on is much easier in post-feminist America. This is because women -- particularly younger ones -- get hung up on two things: Their careers and chasing some Chad or Tyrone. And they can't make investments there without reducing their investment someplace else. That someplace else is you, so the loss to you is minimized. Years ago it took longer to process things. Now, it's far easier to say, "Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out."
Also, accumulating a few battle scars helps. When I was younger, I might have said, "I can't live without her." Now, I see a very happy life I have built, and I realize I'm living better than I ever did before -- and without ALL of them. But that has a lot to do with learning how to choose happiness on my own and not depend on some other person to provide it, because nobody else can.
100% truth, thank you
Couldn't be happier for her that the worthless person i married and divorced, the same person who defrauded the US government to get a green card and use me like an open checkbook and tried to kidnapp our child to a foreign country and then after failing to do this illegally, attempted to us the US legal system to accomplish the same goal - found someone equally pathetic to spend her time with.
Damn It … Needed This.
it's been said before " the best way to get over someone is to get under another one"
Most modern women reverse that order
Best way to get over someone. Not move on from someone. The point of the joke is that it’s the play on the juxtaposition between the words ‘over’ and ‘under’.
This is frankly a dumb saying! It’s very deprecating to the value of others and further dirties the dating pool. Using another person to subdue your wounds won’t treat the root problem. Prioritize healing ffs 🤦🏽♂️
@timilehinajao8127 Exactly. If someone's idea of healing is whoring themselves out, that's disgusting. Have some respect for yourself.. If someone is capable of rebounding right after a long-term relationship, it shows how little value relationships hold in their life.
@@James-ic1mp correct!
/‘…so long as you and your ex lover are alive, your relationship is not dead’ says Blase Harris in his book ‘How to get your lover back’ I have been shocked since the death of my Mother (which triggered an older grief) that the sorrow I had for my boyfriend of some 40 years back has still very much been festering inside me. At this late stage in my life I realise I will never be free of him.
You are so-called "Alpha-widow". In Titanic movie, the actress at her very old age still constantly remembered her teenage fling with Leonardo in the Titanic ship.
At 57 I've been through this many times. The hardest ones are when there's kids and Pets involved.
My ended relationships had no kids or dogs. I always thought that having had kids or dogs made the breakup a bit easier, because it provided an excuse for a bit of contact, which provides a level of comfort even if the love is gone, and also the continuity of having the kids or dogs still in your life so your former life has not completely ended.
Men Love Idealisticly ... Women love Oportunisticly ...
Women are psicologically/biologically wired to move on quickly
this is just not true. I have ever moved on quickly from any man i loved. Months and months , sometimes years of grieving while these dudes just find someone else right away and get on with their lives like nothig happened
Yes. Women love for what the men do for them. Women treat men like men treat their jobs. Women are always looking for better offer. So when she finds a bigger better deal, she dumps her man and quickly moves on. For her, there is not much emotional attachment to deal with. Women initiate the breakup 80-90% of the time. Women cheat far more often than men (according to female relationship expert Sadia Khan). Since a woman is always scouting for bigger better deal, she cheats frequently as part of her search process.
This was very well explained .. very true! I'm noticing a cut on your eyebrow .. looks like it's healing well. 🙏
Well, it should be understood she already has another man when she finally breaks up. Grieve it right away. Don't ever try to get her back.
That backstabbing is what hurts men the most. And they are very cold turkey too.
Hi doc, thought I’d mention a piece of equipment if it interests you for your content creation. Elgato has a teleprompter thats really good and has a built in screen. Keep up the great work! Love all your videos
I do agree and it definitely is my experience, but I don't want her hooking up with anyone else (even though she did it right in front of me and our former friend group in front of said group). I'm not qualified to make the diagnosis, but I am certain she has BPD. So I hope she chooses to get the help she needs in order to stop hurting other people and herself before latching on to another man, but I have zero faith that she ever will.
I lost the girl I thought I’d marry 3 years ago. The pain was excruciating. I recovered, but then learned she had started dating someone only one month after our breakup (might have been cheating), which threw me right back to the pit. Next up will be her marriage, which will actually be a level I’m looking forward to since that will be bottom. Wish I would have met someone else to bond to….
She was never yours. It was just your turn.
@rayrwyr Yes, I know… It was a hard lesson to learn.
The timing
So is deleting her on all socials and not knowing her whereabouts and new potential relationships counter productive to getting over it?
Really not, you're on the right track. But be cautious about the grieving part - when you come to know of your ex's relationship don't let it pull you down.
You don't have to go digging about her now and inflict self pain now, let things unfold naturally. If you come to know about anything be ready to face it, if you never learn anything about her well and good carry on with your life without the surprise attack of the sudden grief
Cut all ties AND focus on yourself. Go to the gym, travel, see your friends.
If you have the feeling that you're not growing and are left back alone, then it's time to care more about yourself.
haha i remember when my ex was with someone new , i couldn't sleep , i woke up at random intervals at night , one of the things that keep me away from relationships
05:33 = If that is typical, then I am atypical. I grieved more or less almost three years during which my ex - as far as I knew - was not in a new relationship.
True, this point of Dr.Orion contradicted my experience too, when my relationship ended I grieved it over a year but when I came to know that she moved on with someone else it helped me recover.
Everyone grieves and grows differently.
Some need excessive distractions, other new target in life and others just sit at home for months and stare at the empty wall till they feel well again.