in germany there is a saying "only talking people can be helped", or as my father put it "i can't read minds, my child, so you have to talk to me when something is going on or you need something, or whatever. talk to me."
Ja stimmt aber (dieses Beispiel kenn so 1:1) du denkst so oft "das hab ich eindeutig und klar kommuniziert" und rechnest einfach nicht damit dass dein Gegenüber einen komplett anderen Denkansatz verfolgt. Das gesamte Denken und Erleben von Menschen kann so unterschiedlich sein, dass es ein enormes Maß an Verständnis dafür braucht wie der andere Tickt um Absprachen so zu treffen, dass sie zielführend sind
@@t.mustermann sure. i'm very straightforward. instead of asking "do you notice anything about me?" i ask directly "how do you like my hair?" simply because i can't stand this stupid indirect questioning. and just as an example that even very direct statements don't work; i told my mom point blank that i don't have the money to visit her and my sister on christmas, and as soon as i told my mom, my sister asks me why i don't want to visit them. the information was really clear. i don't have the money. i even told my mom that it's not about her, but about money. nope. "i didn't want to go visit my mother." why? she couldn't answer me. when i asked how much money was in my account, she didn't know, but she knew rock solid that i didn't want to visit her. so, after more than 10 years of trail and error, i give up and just recommend that people talk to each other at all. that's already a lot.
These tidbits of wisdom I wish I grew up with, but I've gone most of my life learning that I can't speak my mind and be heard. I'm 31 and feeling set in my ways, and I don't know how to even initiate conversations with people, so I come off as weird and stupid to others such as at work with coworkers and patients. It's difficult just to be normal in a world that seems like everyone else just gets it while you're the outsider
@@dillasoul2228 You are not normal? Cool, me neither. I have a depressive disorder, so I often can't say "no" or "stop" or get out of my bed. Im 34 and i have to take my stuffed animal to the dentist because otherwise I get too stressed, and when my stress level is high enough, I joke, laugh and/or smile. So I stood at my father's funeral with a smile on my face, who was more like my best friend to me. What I'm saying is that I think "normal" is convenient for the masses. We don't have to deal with it anymore because we know or expect to know what's coming. "Normal" = comfortable. It's very ironic because everyone wants to be recognized as an individual. If you are comfortable with who you are, then there is nothing to change. By the way, you have said what you think and started a conversation. Yes, sure, it's in writing and anonymous, but that's something.
I thought she was saying when she was leaving the house in that first story... I would think he might want something from the house before we left or something. I would have answered "we're leaving the house at 12 - flight takes off at 1.30" to cover all my bases tho 🤣
I remember trying so hard to improve the communication during my marriage... In the end, it only works if all parties put in effort. Thank you for sharing your personal struggles to help the rest of us!
he asked for information relevant to his actions (how do I track the flight) she gave information relevant to her actions (when do I need to get myself & my child out the door)
The ending was perfect... lol! What's really frustrating for me is when I check for understanding, but I continually get derision and/or criticism... like the guy in the comedy bit. "How you could possibly think I meant that? No one in the world could have meant that." Communication is so complex and can have different interpretations... even changing moment to moment depending on what's going on in someone's head or the context of what's going on around them or what's happened in the past or communication styles... etc. My biggest pet peeve is when I ask for clarification and get anger/defensiveness as a response.
Could you please make a video about relationships where both are the same? We are both thinkers and I don't think that really makes it easier. Sometimes it feels like a competition (who has the better plan, who knows more facts) and we lack some softness at times. I feel pushed into a healer side of mine that I'm just overwhelmed with because I don't feel super comfortable as a healer and I feel like I have to have enough healer traits for the both of us to improve communication and understanding... I would love your advice on that! ❤
That was me with my husband...you don't hear me, you don't see me, and you don't care enough to try. Unfortunately it wasn't worth it enough to try. He refused counseling, and I had to walk because I was tired of fighting and felt like I wasn't worth it. It takes two, and I'm glad you came to that conclusion, Jonathon
Please Therapize the Look who's Talked trilogy (Look who's talking, Look who's talking Too, and Look who's talking Now). The relationship between the Kirsty Alley and John Travolta Characters shows a great example of growth and development in a realtionship/marriage.
I can really relate to Alicia.. in my early twenties I found the Myers Briggs personalities and it was totally life changing for me. It really opened my eyes to how I can interact with people who have different perspectives from me. Us Closer/Thinkers really benefit from some sort of model on how people view the world differently!
Very true 😊 I was insufferable. I learned the type system 13 years ago and made me better but I still struggle lol with impatience with my boyfriend. Exact situation in the video he always answers in a way like “what? Why did you answer that?”
Thank you guys for sharing! I recognised many things in my relationship and it makes so much sense now. We both try so hard to please the other, but are still a bit "stuck" in our own personal structure and don't fullfill all the needs of the other. So thanks!😊
Oof. Alicia every video I watch is like looking in the mirror. 😂 I remember the day I realized people didn’t think like me. 😂 It was such a relief, because it made so much more sense.
My husband is a Thinker Closer and I am a Thinker Healer. We get along great. It is genuinely shocking how in tune we are with each other. We literally speak the same thought/plan of action out loud at the exact same time lol. When we don't get along though... the arguments can get pretty loud and we are both stubbornly stuck to what we consider right or wrong. It is always the emotional side of things that we don't see eye to eye on. Videos like these help so much.
I have a very good male friend who is a Thinker/Dreamer, and I am a Healer/Closer. Because of your videos, here, I have learned to stick to my guns to clear up communication challenges, that he just gets mad about. He does not want to learn about the different personality types, and different communication challenges. However, now that I am learning this, I feel that our friendship is stronger. Because I work on my approach, knowing who I am dealing with.
What is even more ironic is that he says to me that I need to see different people's personalities. I think that the difference is that I am trying to use what I am learning about the different personality types to better communicate. Where he just gives up, and either avoids a personality that are different than his own, except, now for my own.
Thank you for sharing your growth and process with us! I don't know how to apply this to my marriage but I know how vulnerable it is to share your shared problems.
Why do I have that Paula Abdule song "opposites attract" stuck in my head now?? I can imagine the cat dude dancing with Jons face on it & it's hysterical!! But seriously gald you guys are working it out and sharing it with us 😎
“I want you to talk like a regular person, like you’ve been around people before” 😅😂 these are my actual thoughts 💭 Like be specific. I agree he wasn’t clear, but I’m usually the one asking very specific questions and usually get very vague responses without the very pertinent Information I asked for. It’s very frustrating. Then I’ll ask again and he’ll say that what I said! 🤦🏽♀️
"Sometime we communicate something that is clear." I was just on the phone with my dad explaining this, sometimes things don't translate well which is why we get couples counciling, the councilor is a translator.
Really appreciate the vulnerability you both display. It is very validating to see into a healthy longterm relationship - that even those with the best intentions are all flawed humans so communication & mutual understanding takes work. ❤ the emphasis on learning & growing together with self/mutual compassion. Keep up the great work, guys! You are inspiring!
Thanks for sharing this, it makes a lot of sense, I also think of how to do things more efficiently but I notice it’s harder to change my “plan” in my head for how to do things when I’m in a bad mood but if I am happy and things don’t go the way I planned it’s less of a big deal… have you noticed this?? I appreciate the vulnerability and would give you a hug Jono and fist bump Alicia😊
Alicia here, changing the plan in your head can be hard! I told Jono one time, "Give me a minute! I have to mourn the plan!" He thought I was joking and quickly realized I wasn't... 😂
I'm having a near 1:1 situation and mindset with my marriage as johno rn. Thank you for these videos they've immensely helped me reach a level of clarity needed to fix our situation.
This! 🙌👆 my husband and I been together 22 years and tital opposites (I'm jonathan in this house). Genuinely only realised the not arguing and letting each other fall/check-in in the middle of a hellish 2022. So much better understanding each other now 😊
I have lots of moments like this and i used to get frustrated. But for a long while and explain what i thought and my husband explains this thoughts and that has help build communication and understanding. It's being curious to understand and learn to be a better next time. I personally been working on how to express my nneds without shaming because that was my lived experience as a child of an violent home. X
Wow. I wish I would have seen this video yesterday. I literally had an argument with my boyfriend over the same communication issues. Yesterday, he said that he was sick and needed to go to the emergency room. I was at work at the time and I asked if he needed me to come home straight away. He said no he wanted to rest before he did anything. Which I understood. Then I got off of work early and asked if he needed me to come home but I also needed to go pick up food and supplies for the house. He said he just wants to rest first. So I was like ok, I will go get what we needed for the house and then come back. Of course, I was gone longer than expected and I didn't say anything but he also didn't say he needed me to come home right away too. So when I got home, after bringing in my groceries and supplies, we got into a big fight about why I didn't come home right away. He felt that he wasn't important and I felt like I was being attacked for no reason. I felt that I was clear when I asked him if he wanted me to come home. But we ended up fighting and I had a meltdown and felt sick myself thinking that I did something wrong but then I didn't do anything wrong. All and all, I did end up getting done what we needed and we apologized to each other and I did end up taking him to the urgent care to help him. But that you for stating that practicing healthy communication is what we need to do. I admit I am not very good at but I will keep practicing. Thank you guys!! =)
I think this is the best video of you two together that I have seen. I love the vulnerability and the authenticity. I know Jonathan addressed critical comments and how you guys read them. I'm one of the people who had been critical of your parenting videos. I do love your content and I wouldn't stick around if I didn't think it was good stuff. ❤
He could have made the "you said this" line funny. Could have been a timezone issue too. "Yeah I also said the show started in 5 and you took 50 or 5 hours." "Do you mean your current noon, my noon, or destination noon."
Veeeeery interesting. And still very impressed with your openess. Very happy to know more about how was to Alicia understand that persons thinks and value different and make her investigate the answer... And very brave of Jono to say how close his mind was and how he need to had a reality hit to understand that.
As a thinker I would have said “what time is your flight?” If thats what I wanted to know. OR, which flight are you on? So i can track it on the flight tracker app. This is all on him.
The first story; dude asked, in my mind, an open-ended question. My answer would have been that we leave the house at noon because the flight takes off at one-thirty, then I'd prattle off whatever I expected the airport environment to be like.
In Chinese culture we are fed with the idea of being able to read other people’s moods is a virtue. But I kind of grew up in the West. Now every time I go back I get so frustrated because I’m surrounded by people who just wouldn’t communicate their needs
"Why would I ask that question. Your answer doesn't make any sense." - "Why should I know, why you ask this. You just did. I don't judge!" No, seriously, it's why I always answer the Question the other actually asked and the implied one. "Can you tell me, when X will be here?" "Yes I can, at Y o'clock."
This seems a bit stereotypical autistic - adhd partnership (even if both people do not qualify for having a disorder). Autistic = "people who are just much more interested in things than people", which shouldn't be vilinized, but that's a valid way of interacting with world, which actually is minority. And I identify with Alicia so much, because I had to put so much work throughout my career and relationship to try to communicate more clearly that have different priorities.
![NLE Choppa - Or What ft. 41 (Orchestra Mix) [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/biOFASEgSOM/mqdefault.jpg)
in germany there is a saying "only talking people can be helped", or as my father put it "i can't read minds, my child, so you have to talk to me when something is going on or you need something, or whatever. talk to me."
Hier auch aus Deutschland
Ja stimmt aber (dieses Beispiel kenn so 1:1) du denkst so oft "das hab ich eindeutig und klar kommuniziert" und rechnest einfach nicht damit dass dein Gegenüber einen komplett anderen Denkansatz verfolgt. Das gesamte Denken und Erleben von Menschen kann so unterschiedlich sein, dass es ein enormes Maß an Verständnis dafür braucht wie der andere Tickt um Absprachen so zu treffen, dass sie zielführend sind
@@t.mustermann sure. i'm very straightforward. instead of asking "do you notice anything about me?" i ask directly "how do you like my hair?" simply because i can't stand this stupid indirect questioning.
and just as an example that even very direct statements don't work; i told my mom point blank that i don't have the money to visit her and my sister on christmas, and as soon as i told my mom, my sister asks me why i don't want to visit them. the information was really clear. i don't have the money. i even told my mom that it's not about her, but about money. nope. "i didn't want to go visit my mother." why? she couldn't answer me. when i asked how much money was in my account, she didn't know, but she knew rock solid that i didn't want to visit her.
so, after more than 10 years of trail and error, i give up and just recommend that people talk to each other at all. that's already a lot.
These tidbits of wisdom I wish I grew up with, but I've gone most of my life learning that I can't speak my mind and be heard. I'm 31 and feeling set in my ways, and I don't know how to even initiate conversations with people, so I come off as weird and stupid to others such as at work with coworkers and patients. It's difficult just to be normal in a world that seems like everyone else just gets it while you're the outsider
@@dillasoul2228 You are not normal? Cool, me neither. I have a depressive disorder, so I often can't say "no" or "stop" or get out of my bed. Im 34 and i have to take my stuffed animal to the dentist because otherwise I get too stressed, and when my stress level is high enough, I joke, laugh and/or smile. So I stood at my father's funeral with a smile on my face, who was more like my best friend to me.
What I'm saying is that I think "normal" is convenient for the masses. We don't have to deal with it anymore because we know or expect to know what's coming. "Normal" = comfortable. It's very ironic because everyone wants to be recognized as an individual.
If you are comfortable with who you are, then there is nothing to change.
By the way, you have said what you think and started a conversation. Yes, sure, it's in writing and anonymous, but that's something.
I thought she was saying when she was leaving the house in that first story... I would think he might want something from the house before we left or something. I would have answered "we're leaving the house at 12 - flight takes off at 1.30" to cover all my bases tho 🤣
That's exactly what I thought. He might be wanting to know if there was time for her to do or get something for him before leaving for the airport.
Lol when you have an amazing pic of you and your SO on a trip but know you were in the midst of a horrible argument, I can so relate!
The struggle is real...
I remember trying so hard to improve the communication during my marriage... In the end, it only works if all parties put in effort.
Thank you for sharing your personal struggles to help the rest of us!
It's true that it takes both partners!
he asked for information relevant to his actions (how do I track the flight)
she gave information relevant to her actions (when do I need to get myself & my child out the door)
The ending was perfect... lol! What's really frustrating for me is when I check for understanding, but I continually get derision and/or criticism... like the guy in the comedy bit. "How you could possibly think I meant that? No one in the world could have meant that." Communication is so complex and can have different interpretations... even changing moment to moment depending on what's going on in someone's head or the context of what's going on around them or what's happened in the past or communication styles... etc. My biggest pet peeve is when I ask for clarification and get anger/defensiveness as a response.
Could you please make a video about relationships where both are the same? We are both thinkers and I don't think that really makes it easier. Sometimes it feels like a competition (who has the better plan, who knows more facts) and we lack some softness at times. I feel pushed into a healer side of mine that I'm just overwhelmed with because I don't feel super comfortable as a healer and I feel like I have to have enough healer traits for the both of us to improve communication and understanding... I would love your advice on that! ❤
That was me with my husband...you don't hear me, you don't see me, and you don't care enough to try. Unfortunately it wasn't worth it enough to try. He refused counseling, and I had to walk because I was tired of fighting and felt like I wasn't worth it. It takes two, and I'm glad you came to that conclusion, Jonathon
Please Therapize the Look who's Talked trilogy (Look who's talking, Look who's talking Too, and Look who's talking Now). The relationship between the Kirsty Alley and John Travolta Characters shows a great example of growth and development in a realtionship/marriage.
I can really relate to Alicia.. in my early twenties I found the Myers Briggs personalities and it was totally life changing for me. It really opened my eyes to how I can interact with people who have different perspectives from me. Us Closer/Thinkers really benefit from some sort of model on how people view the world differently!
It's so true!
Very true 😊 I was insufferable. I learned the type system 13 years ago and made me better but I still struggle lol with impatience with my boyfriend. Exact situation in the video he always answers in a way like “what? Why did you answer that?”
The question the comedian should have actually asked is, "what's your flight number?" There's no ambiguity there.
Thank you guys for sharing! I recognised many things in my relationship and it makes so much sense now. We both try so hard to please the other, but are still a bit "stuck" in our own personal structure and don't fullfill all the needs of the other.
So thanks!😊
Same ❤
Oof. Alicia every video I watch is like looking in the mirror. 😂 I remember the day I realized people didn’t think like me. 😂 It was such a relief, because it made so much more sense.
You are not alone! 😅👊
You asked me what time do I leave, I leave at 12 for my 1:30 flight
My husband is a Thinker Closer and I am a Thinker Healer. We get along great. It is genuinely shocking how in tune we are with each other. We literally speak the same thought/plan of action out loud at the exact same time lol.
When we don't get along though... the arguments can get pretty loud and we are both stubbornly stuck to what we consider right or wrong. It is always the emotional side of things that we don't see eye to eye on.
Videos like these help so much.
I have a very good male friend who is a Thinker/Dreamer, and I am a Healer/Closer. Because of your videos, here, I have learned to stick to my guns to clear up communication challenges, that he just gets mad about.
He does not want to learn about the different personality types, and different communication challenges. However, now that I am learning this, I feel that our friendship is stronger. Because I work on my approach, knowing who I am dealing with.
What is even more ironic is that he says to me that I need to see different people's personalities. I think that the difference is that I am trying to use what I am learning about the different personality types to better communicate. Where he just gives up, and either avoids a personality that are different than his own, except, now for my own.
Thank you for sharing your growth and process with us! I don't know how to apply this to my marriage but I know how vulnerable it is to share your shared problems.
Why do I have that Paula Abdule song "opposites attract" stuck in my head now?? I can imagine the cat dude dancing with Jons face on it & it's hysterical!!
But seriously gald you guys are working it out and sharing it with us 😎
I am learning this so well right now. What you guys talked about is exactly what my partner and I went through recently.
Hugs! It's hard to go through those learning experiences with a partner.
“I want you to talk like a regular person, like you’ve been around people before”
😅😂 these are my actual thoughts 💭
Like be specific.
I agree he wasn’t clear, but I’m usually the one asking very specific questions and usually get very vague responses without the very pertinent Information I asked for. It’s very frustrating. Then I’ll ask again and he’ll say that what I said! 🤦🏽♀️
Thank you for making this, I'm not married, but it helps a little! Could you make a video on ghosting/artificial abandonment?
I don't know how to properly communicate with my partner who has been diagnosed with BPD.
"Sometime we communicate something that is clear." I was just on the phone with my dad explaining this, sometimes things don't translate well which is why we get couples counciling, the councilor is a translator.
Really appreciate the vulnerability you both display. It is very validating to see into a healthy longterm relationship - that even those with the best intentions are all flawed humans so communication & mutual understanding takes work. ❤ the emphasis on learning & growing together with self/mutual compassion. Keep up the great work, guys! You are inspiring!
Thanks for sharing this, it makes a lot of sense, I also think of how to do things more efficiently but I notice it’s harder to change my “plan” in my head for how to do things when I’m in a bad mood but if I am happy and things don’t go the way I planned it’s less of a big deal… have you noticed this?? I appreciate the vulnerability and would give you a hug Jono and fist bump Alicia😊
Alicia here, changing the plan in your head can be hard! I told Jono one time, "Give me a minute! I have to mourn the plan!" He thought I was joking and quickly realized I wasn't... 😂
This is very valuable thank you.
I'm having a near 1:1 situation and mindset with my marriage as johno rn. Thank you for these videos they've immensely helped me reach a level of clarity needed to fix our situation.
So glad it helps!
I miss your Couples Talk series. You should bring that back and have Alan and his wife on. Cinema Therapy couples rock!
This! 🙌👆 my husband and I been together 22 years and tital opposites (I'm jonathan in this house). Genuinely only realised the not arguing and letting each other fall/check-in in the middle of a hellish 2022. So much better understanding each other now 😊
I have lots of moments like this and i used to get frustrated. But for a long while and explain what i thought and my husband explains this thoughts and that has help build communication and understanding. It's being curious to understand and learn to be a better next time. I personally been working on how to express my nneds without shaming because that was my lived experience as a child of an violent home. X
Wow. I wish I would have seen this video yesterday. I literally had an argument with my boyfriend over the same communication issues. Yesterday, he said that he was sick and needed to go to the emergency room. I was at work at the time and I asked if he needed me to come home straight away. He said no he wanted to rest before he did anything. Which I understood. Then I got off of work early and asked if he needed me to come home but I also needed to go pick up food and supplies for the house. He said he just wants to rest first. So I was like ok, I will go get what we needed for the house and then come back. Of course, I was gone longer than expected and I didn't say anything but he also didn't say he needed me to come home right away too. So when I got home, after bringing in my groceries and supplies, we got into a big fight about why I didn't come home right away. He felt that he wasn't important and I felt like I was being attacked for no reason. I felt that I was clear when I asked him if he wanted me to come home. But we ended up fighting and I had a meltdown and felt sick myself thinking that I did something wrong but then I didn't do anything wrong. All and all, I did end up getting done what we needed and we apologized to each other and I did end up taking him to the urgent care to help him. But that you for stating that practicing healthy communication is what we need to do. I admit I am not very good at but I will keep practicing. Thank you guys!! =)
I think this is the best video of you two together that I have seen. I love the vulnerability and the authenticity. I know Jonathan addressed critical comments and how you guys read them. I'm one of the people who had been critical of your parenting videos. I do love your content and I wouldn't stick around if I didn't think it was good stuff. ❤
He could have made the "you said this" line funny. Could have been a timezone issue too.
"Yeah I also said the show started in 5 and you took 50 or 5 hours."
"Do you mean your current noon, my noon, or destination noon."
Veeeeery interesting. And still very impressed with your openess.
Very happy to know more about how was to Alicia understand that persons thinks and value different and make her investigate the answer...
And very brave of Jono to say how close his mind was and how he need to had a reality hit to understand that.
As a thinker I would have said “what time is your flight?” If thats what I wanted to know. OR, which flight are you on? So i can track it on the flight tracker app. This is all on him.
This is such a big part of why my marriage failed.
The first story; dude asked, in my mind, an open-ended question. My answer would have been that we leave the house at noon because the flight takes off at one-thirty, then I'd prattle off whatever I expected the airport environment to be like.
I'm a closer/thinker, and my husband is a thinker/closer. Can you do a video about that dynamic in a marriage?
In Chinese culture we are fed with the idea of being able to read other people’s moods is a virtue. But I kind of grew up in the West. Now every time I go back I get so frustrated because I’m surrounded by people who just wouldn’t communicate their needs
Hey just to let you guys know your link doesn't go to your website it goes to a t-shirt site where you put in your credit card.
Thanks!!
Do you know the game "It takes two"? Had to read it like the Italian love book 😂 "Comonication is key"
Something that means no thing to nobody actually means something to everybody. 👀… oh no I have gone crosseyed.-Austin Powers
Not to be nosy but Jono looks like he was crying before recording and it makes me want to give him a hug
It was allergies... It was a rough couple of days for him, but he pushed through like a champion.
@@MendedLight what a king 👑
The title is a bit misleading
"Why would I ask that question. Your answer doesn't make any sense." - "Why should I know, why you ask this. You just did. I don't judge!"
No, seriously, it's why I always answer the Question the other actually asked and the implied one. "Can you tell me, when X will be here?" "Yes I can, at Y o'clock."
❤️
This seems a bit stereotypical autistic - adhd partnership (even if both people do not qualify for having a disorder).
Autistic = "people who are just much more interested in things than people", which shouldn't be vilinized, but that's a valid way of interacting with world, which actually is minority. And I identify with Alicia so much, because I had to put so much work throughout my career and relationship to try to communicate more clearly that have different priorities.