Here’s What Keeps You Socially Anxious and How to Stop It
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- Опубликовано: 8 май 2024
- People with social anxiety disorder fear negative criticism in social and performance situations. You fear that you will act in a way that is humiliating or embarrassing. To deal with your fear, you develop safety behaviors to eliminate the possibility of being humiliated or embarrassed. In this video I talk about how safety behaviors keep you socially anxious.
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References
Jacoby, R. J., & Abramowitz, J. S. (2016). Inhibitory learning approaches to exposure therapy: A critical review and translation to obsessive-compulsive disorder. Clinical Psychology Review, 49, 28-40.
Brewin, C. R. (2006). Understanding cognitive behaviour therapy: A retrieval competition account. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(6), 765-784.
Kircanski, K., Lieberman, M. D., & Craske, M. G. (2012). Feelings into words: contributions of language to exposure therapy. Psychological science, 23(10), 1086-1091.
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Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.
Everything becomes a performance with social anxiety 🥴🥴
This is the most relatable comment ever (as a social anxiety sufferer)
This. Working in customer service just reinforced the idea that I am only acceptable when I perform. I was great with customers and had a lot of confidence in being able to perform social interactions by the end of my time working retail but had zero self-esteem when it came to genuine interpersonal relationships. Now my S.A.D takes the form of making me feel exhausted every time I have to interact because my default is to now perform and I can't switch it off. I don't know to be genuine and even interacting with friends for a short time leaves me tired out.
And we're so acutely aware that we are performing our minds can start shutting down. I'm in group therapy for substance abuse (I became an addict after a car accident and the misfortune of going to a doctor running a pill mill), and I can hardly talk in those sessions. Strangely, I have had a harder time speaking over Zoom meetings. I don't really hear anyone anyway because I'm so focused on my heart palpitations and using up all my energy trying to keep a panic attack at bay.
@@nbucwa6621 omg same here
that's why certain things like public speaking barely scare me. cause any time I talk in public it's the same feeling.
My social anxiety stems from childhood. I was bullied and ignored when I tried to talk in a group setting. Now when I talk in a group, I turn red and my voice shakes for fear of being judged and ignored. I will definitely try this method!
💙
I understand.
Bless your heart.
I’m sorry you had that experience. I hope this helps you
I totally understand and I hope things get better. You are valid and matter ❤️
My social anxiety isn’t always about feeling like I’ll make a fool of myself. Just as often, it’s that I fear I will be inconveniencing people or be a nuisance. I avoid speaking up because I don’t want to make others around me feel uncomfortable. I avoid people because I don’t want to get in their way.
Same. For me I'm pretty sure I became this way cause my family was very critical of small mistakes a lot and were judgemental so I felt it was better to avoid trying than to waste "their" time and get in the way (or be seen performing basically). I couldn't get the negative thoughts out of my head. If you have family, friends, etc who are like that, I really recommend trying to get some space from them to help you realise they really amplify the low self confidence and try talking to someone you trust about it. Also if you're really suffering and it really impacts your life, I really recommend for you and anyone able to go see a psychiatrist/therapist, etc as soon as possible. Don't let it take more time and opportunities from your life than it already has. Hope this helps if you're in the same boat 😊
I don't get the whole nuisance thing to people because there are wayyy more annoying people in the world. But I just never feel like I have anything to say mostly.
Same. I just try to take up as little space as possible... 🤷🏽♂
@@pandachan3809 what was the point of saying “yeah I don’t get this.” in response to someone venting about their specific social anxieties
@@jayvee1387 I relate so much
I always thought I was just “shy” but going on 35 and no improvement. Realized it’s always been anxiety that got worse due to very toxic parents. It’s very crippling and ppl just think I’m standoffish or rude when I’m just trying to protect myself.
I totally understand. People think I’m rude as well. It’s frustrating but I tell myself that it could be worse. I’m alive and not self medicating with any substances so that’s a plus.
I get it and totally relate. People never know what someone is struggling with!
Same!
Yep yep. Agreed
Same. I’ve been labeled “rude” for as long as I can remember. I hate greeting people. Ever since I was a kid, I’d say “hi” or “good morning” at what I thought was the top of my voice and people would say “you walked in here and didn’t say hi!” So now I avoid greeting people. It takes too much energy for me to work up the courage to say hi when I’m not going to be heard anyway. 🤦🏻♀️
How I overcame this was to remember how quickly I'd forget when someone else would do something odd in a social situation. There's a split second thought of "That was a bit odd" and then you completely forget about it and go on with the conversation. People are too wrapped up in their own lives to give much thought to an odd comment or movement during a conversation. The simple truth is nobody cares enough to notice. lol
It helps with some people. But for a person like me, I grew up with parents and friends who talked about everyone behind their back. It could be about someone we know or a random person at the store. So yeah, while I'd love to not care what people think, unfortunately it will always be at the back of my mind because if my own parents could talk about someone so easily, other people could too. Its the complete opposite of what you're saying lol
@@REChronic54 Just remember that most people aren't like that and the opinions of the ones that are don't matter.
So true!
@@REChronic54 My personal trick is that I try to let go of what I can't control. Like the actions, or words of another person is completely out of our control. But we have complete control of our own thoughts, or actions.
@@REChronic54 omg same for me!!! My family would tear you apart behind your back and to your face! They would deconstruct your body, appearance, and personality while you just sat there taking it. So now I always feel I’m being judged and deconstructed.
COVID has been an introvert's godsend. A whole year at home - no social games, politics and BS at work. Now working permanently remotely. Amen. Hallelujah.
It was actually horrible for my social anxiety. I became almost deathly afraid of going to the grocery store. It took a long time to force myself to go again.
@Isabel Goss
I absolutely relate. I still panic and physically can't go into stores 9 times out of 10, even with my mom around (who deals with severe anxiety the same as me and typically helps me feel more at ease in those situations). I was relaxed and less anxious at home during quarantine, but man. My anxiety definitely got much worse when things opened up more and going to stores was common again. I'm still working on getting out into social situations and I hope I'll be better at it soon. (Which reminds me, I did go into a grocery store yesterday though! Even if I was on the verge of a full breakdown the entire time, I was proud of myself. Lmao)
Anyway, I'm super happy you've been able to go into grocery stores again! Even though I'm sure it's still not easy, I'm proud of you! \ (•◡•) / From one anxious soul to another! ♡
Are you sure that's what you want, Kelly? I always try and push myself a little.The things I want to do in life I can't find stuck at home. Like a partner.. or going on vacation. All of which requires talking to strangers.
@@hgzmatt I'm 50 and know exactly what I want. I've tried everything and can tell you, you can't change people and there's actually very little you can change about yourself
@@boledle Guess you might be right.. but.. if I accept that as reality.. I feel like my life is over. No point to get out of bed anymore. And I do feel that I have changed in the last few years.
It's been 3h I'm stucked at home, ready to go, because I'm afraid of bumping into my neighbors, yet I have to take out my trash. This video comes just right on time! 😊
Ye its annoying
😂
Yeah I usually do it around 5 or 6am... No one is out around that time.
🤣 You are not alone, I'm a Leo so it's really not my nature but I have this issue now for some reason 🥺
My heart ❤ goes out to everyone that has this challenge. My son has this challenge as well. I believe. I love Tracy's advice. This woman is GREAT!!!.
i always said i dont have social anxiety until i realized I go severely out of my way to avoid speaking to any stranger.
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
I have acute social anxiety disorder to the point that I avoid any social interaction as much as possible. When I realize I need to go somewhere, the anxiety I experience causes panic attacks. I retired from my job earlier than I wanted to because of this affliction. Since my retirement, the panic attacks have ceased, and my life has been somewhat normalized. I still get anxious when I have to leave my home, but I realize it will pass once I accomplish the action, and can return to my sanctuary. I sympathize with others who suffer from this. It is not an easy path to walk.
You can get through it!!! That was me… literally take it one day AT A TIME! Therapy saved my life
Same as me
Sounds very painful. Sorry you are dealing with this.😥
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
I hope you get better!!
I use to have social anxiety because I grew up in a family of bullies. I use to want those people to love me. Now I see them for what they really are: insecure, hateful, envious, monsters. They deal with their social anxiety by knocking other people down so they can feel less inferior. Instead of improving themselves they try to drag others down to their level. I don't focus on them anymore. I only want to be around positive, encouraging people. If you have social anxiety, please take a good look at who you are around constantly.
BROO OMFG THIS IS EXACTLY MY SITUATION RN. to break eveything down My mother was a rlly loving person and unfortunately she passed away when i was 9 yrs old, leaving me to live with my eldest sibling.. my brother. At first while i was young he was somewhat kind because he knew i was young. but now that i am 16 he has two kids w his girlfriend and i tend to argue with him every single day. He is a fucking bully pretty much, everytime i defend myself on a situation where he is wrong i get told im in the wrong 100% never fails to make me always feel bad. I really try to also come to him for support. Like I told him I think i have social anxiety and he seemed like he cared, but then later used it against me in an argument and viewed me as a weirdo because i care about things that dont matter.. CHILE so much be going on and im trying to get help. i just try to stay to myself at home but it doesnt help,
@@ok-bm1iy I wish I could go back in time and tell 16 year old me to just finish school, find a good job, get in a church and find a good Christian man and follow the rules even if they are unreasonable. I messed up. I ran off with an evil man to get out of the house. Try not to fight with your brother. You know you can't win and he has the upper hand because you live with him. Just do the work to be able to get out on your own. I have horrible social anxiety too, now I have to go back to work and fight for my freedom or spend the rest of my life in an abusive marriage.
@@Waiting4Him111 Omg im so sorry. I really believe that things will get better. I will take your advice for sure thank you.
@@ok-bm1iy God bless! Praying for the best for you!
Focus on your future and your education (doesn't have to be college - just keep building your skills). Get involved with your community. People who are contributing to something are usually positive and more reliable. My family was not supportive and I'm glad I still invested in myself. I did, however, spend too much time in relationships that weren't the right fit because of lack of confidence and not feeling I had family support. I wish I had spent less energy on that and had instead focused on figuring out what I cared about and how to speak from my heart rather than seeking approval from others.
I resonate with "performance anxiety". I just don't want to be watched or judged at all, let me be.
Yup.
I definitely agree
I hate attending staff meetings due to social anxiety and fear of being called on and having to speak out loud. I’m intimidated by coworkers that are smart, assertive, and not afraid to speak up. I constantly fear being judged. My voice starts trembling and I sound dumb. I wish I could find a remote job and work from home for the rest of my life. Social anxiety sucks 😔😞😢
Maybe try looking around you when in public--not one of those other people are perfect, either. We're all very much like the other 7.9 billion people in the world, we're all imperfect, all have problems/issues, all are just human.
You're not alone. I hope you find that remote job.
At this point, the DSM-V is just my memoir. Thanks for the insights!
Silence is my lifelong safety behavior to a point of childhood and then adult selective mutism. My voice carries, so living in apartments or normal house neighborhoods is basically being in public for me. I’m also autistic with huperacusis, so some sensitivity is neurological and CBT / exposure therapy isn’t as effective as it is with neurotypicals.
Furthermore, being a black male in America requires nonstop emasculation / passivity / deference to safely survive in diverse spaces. Have psychologists researched the specific traumas of social “code switching” by the marginalized to achieve survival?
i too struggle with the thought that strangers and neighbors might hear my voice
being gay myself I identify with the sentiment of having to hide myself to avoid physical danger; it was especially strong when I was a kid and it sounds like it could have had a significant role to play in my social anxiety too
also, nothing to do with the video but i love your music your voice is really nice
CHOCOLETE RAIN!!!
I laughed at ur memoir comment. 😊
Hey Tay, as a fellow black man, I appreciate you sharing your experiences. I've suffered from generalized and social anxiety my entire life and I didn't realize it until now (at 40 years old). Somehow, even though I missed a ton of school due to anxiety, I was able to fight through and eventually get a PhD in engineering and currently work in corporate. I discovered I suffered from anxiety when my son started experiencing crippling anxiety, which was exacerbated by COVID-19. Interestingly he displayed issues with it at nearly the exact same time that I did when I was a kid, so perhaps there is a genetic component. But growing up in the 80's-90's it was largely ignored; it was so bad, that everyone in my family is surprised that I even made it out of adolescence alive. As to my son, I've had to get lawyers to fight his school to keep him in general pop. He's getting better but his school is actively working against him trying to push him out. It's insane, and not only that, we've spent thousands out of pocket for therapy and an out patient program for him. Thank God all of this is helping him though; it's so relieving to see him smile regularly these days and he's such a sweet kid. But my anxiety is sometimes off-loaded onto him so I may get treated, via medication, at some point. All in all, my wife and I are preparing to engage in activism for families who run into issues with school. At the least, we'll establish a lawyer fund to help parents fight against schools. It's a shame that you typically get justice in so far that you are able to pay for it. One interesting thing about me is that I love teaching and public speaking but crippling anxiety threatens to undercut this; I went into grad school to become a professor but went to corporate when I realized that it would allow me to "hide" a bit more easily (still massive challenges within corporate of course). One thing, as of late, that has helped with my overall outlook is reading radical black literature. CLR James, Cedric Robinson, and Walter Rodney, to name a few. I find that it helps tremendously to ground me in something much more organic and natural feeling as opposed to constantly reacting to an already reactionary European and American culture that was thrust upon our ancestors. It's also giving me the theory and tools to fight back against Western hegemony and see the fatal flaws within it. I'm beginning to introduce these ideas to my children as well so as to give them an understanding as to why they may feel alienated despite being in a culture and country which purports to be highly inclusionary; and, of course, I want them to draw strength from the struggles of their ancestors. Thought I'd share this as a potential avenue for encouragement and wanted to say I'm encouraged by your public voice as well. All the best.
I also have choosen to be mute to avoid unwanted attention. It sucks to be mute lol I'm always learning how to overcome this, this video was helpful!
I do these things because people have constantly put me down. It isn't imagined. Now I keep my distance.
But that says more about them than you.
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
Shy as a child. Then “social” between 17yo-30yo. Got hurt by a lot of people in that time by trying to see the best in people. Realized that life was much more peaceful (not as exciting but eh) before socializing with all of the arseh*les and their “politics”. Now I hermit 😌
@@TuathaTuna same. I seek peace even if boring.
I have anxiety when I see people I haven't seen in years and worry they'll mention my weight gain since we last met. I especially hate going out of town to family events because they'll definitely make it known "you've been eating good, girl!"
My family does this too. Any family event we have I can expect at least one "You've gained weight" comment. At least yours try to make light of it. Mine flat out tell me I'm fat. lol
Without fail, someone will mention my weight at family gatherings. It's so obnoxious, and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
I don’t go to family gatherings because of that
I get laughed at, ridiculed, and overall treated with contempt for how embarrassed they are for me going bald. At least my bald head has the silver lining of being like a third eye that reveals the narcissists for what they are.
Its so mean to be critical about the way someone looks..and then if you become defensive your criticised for being too sensitive..i NEVER mention peoples size to them,its wrong.
Once the pandemic began, my exposure to social situations came to a halt. I spent most days at home. Now I’ve avoided socializing for so long that I’ve became a hermit.
Same. I feel like I was making so many improvements before the pandemic and now I'm 10x worse than before. :/
Me too!
And here I'm thinking I'm the only one.
😅
I agree with the entire thread. ⬆️⬆️⬆️
As a child I was taught children were to be seen not heard, this deprived my ability to learn how to socialize with others, It has carried over to my adulthood. In a group I'm silent drawing attention to me making me overly anxious, awkward and out of place. It makes me very uncomfortable. Thinking others are judging me because of my silence as if something was wrong with me. I always take someone along with me to be my voice. This is very debilitating, I do best one on one.
It’s like you read my mind!! Well you aren’t alone..🤗🤗
You are not alone! I would get called mute in school and even into adult situations making me even more aware of how quiet i’m being. i try to chime in but sometimes even that doesn’t feel like enough
I relate to your experience.
Yep. I’m totally with ya there bud. It sucks. :(
But some people judge others for being silent. They are stupid. They created scenarios about me without trying to know me.
I have such anxiety with making phone calls or answering the phone. I have no idea where it comes from and it's just gotten worse the older I get. I just avoid calling places or doctors even when I really need to.
I do this too. I realized my son does too. I showed him something that helps. I write out a script in big sharpie on paper, of what I need to ask, really clear. "Hi I need to get the results of my blood test. My name is... my insurance is..." And I talk in robot voice...just clear and direct. It helps me get it done. I avoided the doctor when I had a real need for it, and got sicker. So I needed to figure out a work around.
@@greermandy Me too! Have to write my own details and everything down like I am making an appointment for someone else. Any hiccups in the script and I fill it with an apology about losing my train of thought. Haven't run into anybody being upset about that yet. I just keep telling myself nobody else is going to do it for me. They aren't the ones living with unaddressed health problems.
I have another tip besides the script. Think of yourself as your own personal assistant, like in a business setting. You have to call the doctor for your employer to make an appointment bc your boss is to busy to do it themself. I learned that working at a health insurance/call center. When I had to call a doctor in the name of the insurance it suddenly was very easy... so I started imagining my "working-self" making the call for my personal appointments too lol good luck
Me too! Amongst many other aspects of social anxiety (and many other debilitating issues)... The phone thing seems to be the most silly to me though (that's me judging myself, NOT YOU!!), because I tell myself, they don't even see You, what is the big deal???? I turn all red and uncomfortable and completely unaware of my surroundings for a 1 minute phone call that I've been pushing off for ages and then when I'm done, I'm so proud of myself! Like, YAY YOU DID IT!! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!! 👏👏👏 A struggle & a success for me when done, that would be a total nothing for most of the world... Ey, life is GREAT! 😊🙃😁
@@moodymandy I think a part of the reason why we are nervous although no one is seeing us... is because we are more self conscious of our actions because our minds are aware that we are engaging in social interactions. So instead of focusing on the tasks we start to deeply critize and reflect on our tone, words and so on.
Before I watch the video I'm gonna say the thing that makes people socially anxious is fear of a future situation. The thing that got rid of my social anxiety was learning how to stop a racing mind and stay in the present moment with meditation and cold showers.
Also look into shadow work if a traumatic event from the past is causing your social anxiety
Can I ask, what is shadow work? Thank you.
@@RMW22222 Shadow work involves getting in touch with the parts of yourself that you've repressed - or what many might refer to as their "dark side." ... It's called "shadow work," and involves "diving into the unconscious material that shapes our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors,"
@@RMW22222 when you go into a deep meditation of a traumatic experience in the past that still affects you till this day and holds you back from being the person you want to become. The meditation has to be vivid. You then have to observe the moment from 3rd person point of view. Your current self is witnessing this happen to your past self. Then you have to pause the moment and talk to your past self as someone who is more wiser now and coming back to give guidance and that one thing you needed in that moment but never got. It can be anything. For example, whether you needed love, encouragement, protection etc.. you would go back in time and give that to your past self so they can heal, which would heal your current self. More traumatic moments take more meditation sessions
so true. Anxiety is your mind dwelling on the negatives in the past and anticipating anything negative in the future. Stay in the present. easy to say but it works.
Yes
This sounds silly but I get extremely anxious saying “hi” and “bye” to my co-workers. I muster enough courage to say something but it comes out so forced that I believe they probably think that I’m not being genuine, I beat myself up afterwards and dread the next time I have another interaction. Why does this always have to be a confrontation within myself every time?!
I feel you u,u
I completely understand you. This comment actually validated how I feel about this. Like she said, it takes exposure therapy to help. Facing those situations head on, which is definitely the uncomfortable part.
@@musicjunkie2764 Playing Drums🥁helps too!! 🎶
@@Sochi_Mochi Yes music always soothes the soul! 🎶
I experience the exact same thing. I can't walk down a hallway towards another person walking in my direction without my anxiety spiking. I'm worried about what they'll think if I simply just acknowledge them. I also worry that if I don't acknowledge them, then they might be offended. Regardless of what I do, I end up beating myself up about it immediately afterwards. It's so exhausting.
Working in customer service has been one of the best forms of exposure therapy for me...i still have social anxiety but work has definitely helped
Actually that didnt work for me. I worked at a supermarket where I was forced to constantly greet random people. I still came out of that situation very anxious with low self esteem.
I'd say working in customer service just reinforced the idea that I am only acceptable when I perform. I was great with customers and had a lot of confidence in being able to perform social interactions by the end of my time working retail but had zero self-esteem when it came to genuine interpersonal relationships. Now my S.A.D takes the form of making me feel exhausted every time I have to interact because my default is to now perform and I can't switch it off. I don't know to be genuine and even interacting with friends for a short time leaves me tired out.
@@nbucwa6621 i guess for me i don't know what my authentic self is, so it's easier for me to follow a methodology on how to interact with people
Me too! Well at least when I’m at work, it feels like sometimes my social anxiety “turns off” some days it doesn’t and work suucks but working in a restaurant and dealing with rude ppl in a go go go environment forced me to act okay for so long that now when I’m there it usually doesn’t bother me nearly as much
Humiliation and embarrassment are a factor in my social anxiety but very small compared to the idea I'll hurt someone and not know and won't be told or won't be told until I've hurt them more.
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
It sounds like OCD too
ya i agree with para, the symptoms you are describing is what happens in ocd. you should look it up to help yourself ;)
It's not that but thanks
Exposure Therapy is only effective if you’ve first addressed the underlying thoughts and feelings that led to your anxiety in the first place. You can throw somebody into a mall that’s packed with people 100 times and after that 100th time they can still have just as bad social anxiety issues as they did the first time they stepped in there because the mental aspect of their anxiety hasn’t actually been addressed.
True, you have to adress the root of the issue, the root before the symptoms. The anxiety reaction( thoughts, feelings, body) is all symptoms. Or atleast while your doing the expsure.
Facts
THANK YOU!!! Been doing tasks that scare the heck out of me because I was told it gets easier but it's still giving me anxiety doing them.
My triathlon coach said be comfortable with the uncomfortable. Worked for me.
Love this
When I'm in public, a deep-rooted fear hangs low and waits to strike when I need to initiate a conversation or action with another.
I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing and hurt them, annoy them, make them hate me, make them uncomfortable, or make things awkward.
I'm afraid I'm not reading them correctly and that I'm overstaying my welcome sometimes, I'm afraid they want me to leave but I can't tell, maybe they're just being polite.
I'm afraid that whatever I do might be wrong, I'm afraid that it might not be the right way to do it.
I'm afraid that they'll see my flaws and leave me, yet part of me hopes they'll find better friends, friends that don't freeze up and hang awkwardly. Friends that they can talk to normally.
I'm afraid that I'm taking up too much space, I'm afraid that I'm making too much noise, I'm afraid that I'm annoying or too much of an attention-seeker.
These fears grip me like venom, they paralyze me. I don't know what to do or if what I'm doing is right, and so I'm afraid. I care too much about how I'm inconveniencing others and so I fade into the background, noticed only for my hypocritical use of well organized outfits that manage to gather compliments. It's all people can compliment me on because it's all most people know about me.
I know it hurts me to be afraid more than it does to not be afraid and say the wrong thing. I despise being afraid, I despise being frozen. And yet... It's so hard to rid myself of.
I know that it's my fear making me awkward
I know that if they need to go they'll say as such
I know that everyone makes mistakes
I know it's the fault of insecurity making me think my friends will leave me or that they should
I know I'm quiet and take up too little space. I've been told I'm the quietest at the table for a reason, I've been told I eat quietly for a reason, I know why people forget me and my name so often
I know I should share my skills instead of hiding them, too
So why am I so afraid? I'm self-aware, I try to ignore my intrusive thoughts telling me that I'm a screw-up and that I'm annoying and that everyone hates me. I try to perform and mask so I can be someone I like and someone that others like. I know it's the fear that is wrong and not me, so why?
I have an idea of why, I guess I can list possible reasons.
1. My family has a history of anxiety (both generalized and social). I know for sure that my grandmother and mother deal with it.
2. Past experience. I've said the wrong things in the past and I've made people uncomfortable, mostly in elementary school. When I realized this that's when I started being afraid.
3. Autism. I think I'm autistic. I've thought that for a while. Why is this a reason? I've always been somewhat socially inept and I learned how to social from cartoons, books, and video games. The way I preferred and prefer to spend my time alone, my tendency to say the wrong thing, and my need to act may stem from this.
I want to live in a future where I'm not as afraid, where being out in public isn't overwhelming and awkward. I don't want whether or not I can hold conversations with people to be a gamble depending on my mood, I don't want group projects to be hell on Earth anymore. And so I must continue to try and improve, it's hard, I relapse, but if I stop trying then things will go poorly for me in the future.
I'll probably see a psychologist when I'm an adult. When I write like this I see that 'well, it may not affect other people all that much, but it affects me a lot so it's probably not good to just bottle it up'
I related a bit too hard to this comment
I grew up always talking really fast or taking really softly to the point that people can't hear me. My school put me in speech classes and told my parents it was a speech issue. As I got older, I felt that something was off and it wasn't until 29 that I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and social anxiety disorder. I'm so glad to be finally on the right track and this video opened my eyes so much to my own behavior
I've taken a position against "performing" altogether. I hate the strange sense of pressure to change my speech or behavior when someone observes or enters within earshot of me. Why should I have to change my behavior based on the people around me? Why should I put on a performance, a facade to appease a crowd? I don't want to, I want to be accepted for who I am, but I can't help but see the structure of the social world as artifice interacting with artifice. I want everyone to just act natural and at ease, not feel pressured to conform to imagined or perceived social standards, to act "normal" or "cool" or "professional" or whatever. All acts, forms of manipulation to get ahead in phony social games. Who cares if someone is quirky or awkward if that's the way they truly are? Honestly, who cares if some people don't like someone for who they are? Let them think what they like, and be with those they do like. If only we could be more sincere than worried about fitting in. Just be yourself.
Dr Tracey Marks: the only competent therapist in my life.
That's sad
Dr. Richard Grannon is fire
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
Dr. Tracey, I love your confidence and how you educate me about my condition. Thanks
You’re welcome thank you Monique!
I feel so safe here, thank you so much. I'm 26 years old and I luckily could improve myself, but I'm still very anxious. I'm in school again and I don't want it to be as bad as it was when I was a child. I also think that the social anxiety was always the problem. Depression was just a symptom of always hiding and being lonely.. Feeling ashamed and be anxious.
I hate this so much. I could be a very happy person If I just wasn't afraid of humans..
Try listen closely,You can be helped and you can get things better for yourself and your family 😔.... I know this because my husband who had severe depression made him try killing him self many times. He got better. I got helped by someone and he made my husband feel better within a month
+𝟐𝟑𝟒𝟖𝟎𝟓𝟏𝟐𝟔𝟔𝟐𝟑𝟗
You can as well message him on Whatsapp...
I believe in you 💗💗💗
Instant flashbacks of how I literally fell mute in the midst of a class presentation due to my chronic social anxiety😢I feel like I will never get better
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
You WILL get better. I was the same, teenage and the beginning of adult years are the hardest. Trust me it gets wayyy easier from there. Remember, You are the one in control of your thoughts. The second a negative thought pops in your mind kick it out and tell who’s in charge.
I know how you feel. I didn't go mute but I would talk extremely fast and people couldn't understand me. It's a hard road, especially in my career where I'll have to make presentations. But I believe we'll get better 😊
@@ap8441 Thank you for the kind words and advice❤
@@jowens197 fingers crossed🙏🤗
Sooo grateful for this channel -- all the free therapy that I can't afford as a lower middle class American.
I have more than just social anxiety and I'm tired alot. And you're right about avoiding social interactions. Except I've developed a strange coping mechanism.... Making others laugh. I'm a goober so it relaxes everyone and this way nobody is anxious.
I needed this. I so easily isolate myself because of being overwhelmed by unwanted public attention. I’m a woman from a “minority” culture. Imagine the magnitude of how much certain people have to face this difficulty.
Hello I have social anxiety my whole life. I still have it but I am so much better and life is much better because of doing the this. My fear nice looking girls I could not talk to them at all. But I decided f that I want a normal life I did the therapy and jumped into nursing as a male. I am much better now because I am forced to interact with a 80% female work force and just patients in general. This has improved my life so much I still have social anxiety I don't like talking about myself or my family I don't like sharing information about myself. But life is good.
Ps wife and daughter as well.
@@smm72 oh yay!! Thank you for sharing! 😊😊
Good for you! I’m glad you’re much better and may God bless you and your family.
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
How can someone explain emotions with such ease? I'm always floored by Dr. Marks' clarity and accuracy in these talks.
I am starting to believe that half of these things are just only in my mind. Because the way you explained it, made it so logical and simple and gives me hope that it is something I can over come.
The amount of practical knowledge you cram into these videos is impressive. I've been using the last tip with my two boys to teach them how to be more aware of their feelings, and put some space around them. Thanks!
Thank you! I appreciate hearing that. That's great what you're doing with your boys. 😊👍🏽
It's literally like she's talking to me. I pulled back from society for a good while due to anxiety, and it gradually got worse until I was basically housebound. Luckily I think I hit my rock bottom, and I'm working on being able to take the bus by myself, which I haven't done in years! I'm building up to getting a job again, and being more self-reliant.
I like that you give real life examples and walk us through them.
Good grief. I feel you like know me personally. I’d just accepted that I’ll be socially anxious forever, but maybe not.
Between you and my wonderful therapist, I am healing in so many new ways I never imagined I could. Thank you for putting yourself out here. I hope the positive feedback from your videos fuels your desire to educate. I like your style, lady.
Viewing your content has been the most beneficial activity in my life in years. I'm learning so much about myself and it's so concise/cogent. Thank you so much for doing this Dr. Marks!!!
I love how she explains postive and negative memories very relatable in many situations.
What if exposure only serves to reaffirm the fears that you were isolating to protect yourself from? Cause that's definitely been my experience...
There’re different school of thought in psychotherapy and each would have different interventions. Exposure therapy is a form of CBT and focuses only on the present situation. For me, I find that some form of trauma therapy (acknowledging where the fear comes from and learning to empathize with myself having those feelings instead of trying to fix it which reinforces my belief that I’m not good enough and the shame of having the anxiety), mindfulness and self compassion practice suit me more.
Same
I think this is a very common experience for people with other disorders, particularly autism spectrum disorder, in my case. It's pretty inevitable that I'm going to come across as standoffish and be "othered" in a group of neurotypical people.
In my experience... Keep exposing yourself to those situations and with time you'll notice it gets better.
That's my experience, too. When I try to come out of my shell, I do end up getting ignored or getting awkward looks. I usually end up thinking, "I should just be quiet from now on." People are not really so nice, even people who seem friendly. They judge whether you're cool more than whether you're kind.
all this free, accurate, important information. Dr. Tracey Marks, you're a gem 💎.
This is a fantastic video. Hard to watch because it illuminates my own self-destructive behaviors, but it’s nice to hear it validated by someone so compassionate.
I think you’re doing good work with this channel. Your demeanor and voice are comforting and you’re an effective communicator. Thank you!
Could you do a video on how different parenting styles (authoritarian and permissive I’m really curious about) can contribute to your temperament and later mental health problems?
Yes!! Great idea 💡💡💡💡💡
Yes!!! Yes!!! Yes!!! I have yet to see anyone at all on RUclips speaking about this topic. Thanks for bringing this up!
I'm curious as to my mother...she was like an authoritative hippie....we didn't have any rules and I could basically do whatever I wanted...Yet she still could be scary AF and authoritative at the drop of a pin.... She was the daughter of a real Nazi... Yet went to college in the 70s.... Lolllll
@@missfeliss3628 how was that for you?
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
When I feel anxiety about social interactions, I will imagine the positive social interactions I've had instead of the negative ones.
I needed to see this video. Thank you for sharing your work.🦋
This has been my entire life, I could cry listening to this video.
She's so genuine and she projects this air of Compassion and care that makes you feel like you're safe.
I wish I had found this channel sooner.
(And I wish she could be my real therapist 😅)
I’ve gotten better in social situations and cope with my shyness, but lately I’ve been struggling with the fear that someone will hurt me or something bad will happen to me outside of the house.
Have you been watching the news or violet videos people fighting boxing or mma a contact sport have you heard about bad scenarios happening to people this might create a unconscious fear if your brain sees this it acknowledges it as if it were happening therefore putting you in a fearful awareness state I coped with it by avoiding negative information and training mma
Your videos are always such convenient reminders to work on the various maladaptive habits I’ve developed over the years, thanks again
I watched this and learned a ton.
For the longest time I was struggling with social anxieties and have slowly worked my way up by using board game nights and table top games to help me break out of the wall I built around myself. I still have a bit to go, but now I have a better idea of where to head!
Thanks for helping me understand me. :)
Great info, thanks! I wish to add a bit a nuance: often the anxiety actually doesn't extiguish, but rather it's a lifelong battle that can rear its head at any time, unexpectedly, for any reason or no reason. The idea that it starts big and gets smaller over time until it disappears is simplistic at best.
I'm so anxious about going out to the crowded malls. And loud music esp in confined spaces like a car or taxi. My palms and feet break out in a heavy sweat..I never really wear open shoes when I go out. Only at home or to the beach or I carry sandles in The car. I constantly have balls of paper towels in my bag from my hands and It's a habit that I have tissue paper in my hands which eventually end up balls in my hands from perspiration and squeezing from nervousness. I've been trying to visit the smaller malls and feel a bit less anxious. And I do feel the stiffness too. I get really edgy when we need to do shopping.
I used to be severely anxios but the way I cured it is by practicing . Basically communicating more and more with strangers. Like Grocery store workers or gas station workers. Picture them as a clown and reminding myself that they are no better than me. Only thing I cant cure is when I have to speak about myself. Like explain people why im good enough for a job , etc..
Have you considered getting help for sweaty palms? There are things doctors can do to help I think. Check reddit for more information
@@Venomonomonom Thank you so much. I just sort of lived with it. There was a roll on for sweaty hands and feet that I used a while ago. It wasn't pleasant. I used it on my wedding day...let's just say that it wasn't strong enough. Lol but I'll look into it. I think the primary cause being the r triggers of the anxiety is what I should figure out and address first. I guess everything else might get better once that is resolved. Thank you so much for the advice. I will definitely look into it.
I can relate
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
GOLD! You've helped us so much over the past year Dr. Tracy - thank you!
To ALL the people up on this video on the Autism spectrum with ADHD. You are my tribe!!! I love us all. To the OP; May Allah bless your whole life as you are blessing all of us 🙏🏽💕
Your videos always make my brain do a double take (or ten!). My whole life has become structured around avoiding shame, but the shame just grows along with the list of forbidden shame-inducing things. I know that repeating the behaviour reinforces the behaviour, but I never thought about the layer underneath THAT, of repetition reinforcing the BELIEF that this WORKS. Wow, that is something I really need to think about. Thank you so much. You really do make a lot of difference with these videos.
I’m so glad they make a difference. Thanks for all the best to you 😊
Thank you for all of your videos! You’re amazing Dr Marks
Thanks a bunch Richard and you’re welcome 😊❤️
Congrats on your 1 million subscribers. This video helped me greatly understand what I've dealt with all my life. I'm in my late 40s with better perspective about myself because of you . Thanks again 😊
I am so glad I found you and your channel. I am currently in school to reach my goal of becoming a psychiatrist. Thank you so much for sharing. It has really helped me.
It makes sense, one or two bad experiences can get lodged into your mind from your past, and it can stick there. We tend to avoid it because of a human instinct and safety, agreed there, and when an event comes up, our brains will increase the maginitude of the event times 100, making the made up scenario in your head bigger than it already is, preparing for the worst, but when that event comes, it usually goes better than what your brain was anticipating for.
Thx Dr. Tracey, this is a very valuable video. Also a great ERP therapist - Nathan Peterson. He has a youtube channel as well. Helped me a lot. Enjoy your day anyone who's reading this ❤
Dr.Marks you are such a blessing to those seeking information about mental health. A valuable resource. Thank you.
This all makes so much sense. I've read about exposure therapy, but it really clicked to me just now when you said that the brain evaluates whether a situation is safe or dangerous based on all previous experiences, so you better create as many safe experiences as you can though therapy, so that this decision for the brain is easy and it no longer produces anxiety.
I do ALL these safety behaviors. I'm 17, and I've been like this for a long time. Everyone thought that I was just shy and quiet. I was recently diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder. But I'm currently in therapy to alleviate social anxiety and agoraphobia. These videos are really helpful and validate my experiences. Sometimes I can feel alone or "odd", but knowing that other people understand and that this is a real condition makes me feel better. Thank you for your content!
My story's very similar to yours, but I wasn't diagnosed until age 29. I've always felt alone but it's really comforting to see that there are so many people with a shared experience.
I’ve had this all of my life. I’m in my early 60’s. People always called me lazy. I was paralyzed with shyness 😢
Thank you so much, this was incredibly helpful! I've had exposure therapy before, but no one explained to me the beginning part about my safety behaviors. I've had my social anxiety come back because I haven't been exposed to people during quarantine. Now I know to put my hands down when I start to fall on safety behaviors and I think that will help me come out of this or keep it from getting worse! You're awesome!
Thank you Dr. Marks. I really enjoy the concise way you explain things and put forth coping strategies.
My anxiety began when I realized that I wasn't perfect, and I that I wasn't in control of everything that happens in my life.
I've been greatly humbled. Though it was a rude awakening, I'm so grateful that I've evolved and gained some wisdom and understanding.
Now I'm on a mission to become a student of life!
Thanks for this video! 🙏🏿
Ur already a student of life! Keep going!
Such a great way to look at things. Good luck in everything that you do 👍
My anxiety comes from my childhood as well…I was always bullied in school and home as a woman of trans experience in my early phase…I always tried to join others but when I did I was always rejected…now I glow in every way but my anxiety stops me from going after my potential because it’s hard for me to believe other people view me the way I view myself
❤❤❤❤💪🏽
Great video once again Dr Marks, ty so much 💞
Abundant blessings for sharing this information and for saving lives! 💖💖💖🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽
I have social anxiety and adhd which are comorbid I struggle with this all the time I feel socially inept
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
@@VeganSemihCyprus33 thank you sm
Terrific discussion, thanks! BTW, the pen precariously balanced on the side of the chair started to give me a bit of anxiety....
Me too ha! I didn't realize it was there until editing.
We need people like you in this world
I love love all the help and very informative insight and tools to help people. I wish I had all your knowledge. Great Great videos!!!!
I've had social anxiety for a very large part of my life. I also have autism which have entailed many social misunderstandings and trouble with fitting in and talking with others. Over time, I needed to accept that I will make social mistakes and its ok, thats just me. My brain sometime tells me, I am autistic so I cannot not make social mistakes because my brain processes social information differently. Im still working on overcoming that mindset.
Very interesting part about newer memories coexisting with older ones in the limbic system.
Apparently people who have PTSD have memories stored somewhere in the brain and part of trauma therapy is to move those memories from one region to another. Sounds a bit hocus pocus, but I'm not qualified to make such judgements. 😁
Thank you so much for this. This was incredibly helpful. ❤
thank you so much for posting these
I was emotionally abused as a child and developed these protective behaviors in response. Years ago I handled the worst aspects of it - especially my absolute terror of potentially romantic interactions. But a certain basic level of avoidance in most casual social situations has rooted itself deeply. I'm fairly certain my ADHD makes it worse. And I've been waiting somewhat desperately for covid to go away so social situations can again become possible. So I feel trapped right now.
In any case it's helpful to hear my problem laid out in such clear, objective terms. Thanks.
I would really appreciate a video on BDD... Body Dysmorphic Disorder, because I believe my social anxiety is secondary to that.... I'm not diagnosed with anything, I'm diagnosing myself...🤷♀️
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
So many videos on social anxiety and soooo many miss the mark completely. Thank you thank you thank you 💖
Less than 20 seconds into the video and she's already explained my anxiety in a way I've been trying to for 20 years.
I don't find any of these things help me atal. With exposure I can do things but the anxiety never gets any better. This means that I'm still having panic attacks every time I try doing what I fear. For me it's going out alone. I've tried breathing exercisea and I've tried this journal thing my psychologist I used to see gave me that had me look at the fear how I felt before doing the thing I feared and what the thoughts were, then after look at how these thoughts were not true. Nothing has helped me. I'm still terrified every time I try to go out alone. I have been out alone twice inn a whole year and I'd do anything to avoid having to work because nothing terrifies me more than spending a whole day at a strange place with strange people on my own.
I thought I was the only one!!!!!!!
Omg same. I was looking for this comment. Exposure therapy really ain't it...
I feel the same way and each time I try the exposure thing I come back home more depressed and replay my failures and what I did wrong in the situation.
Exposure therapy can worsen trauma in some patients. She really should have mentioned that.
Trauma that causes social anxiety is remembered in the body. So the ideal way to go about this is not solely cognitive. Our minds change during developmental trauma. We are always in survival mode.
I still haven't found a way out of this hell, but being around people who are kind and avoiding cruel people does help. It also helps to remember everyone has their own life theyre preoccupied with. I still have SAD but it's not as paralyzing. Looking at people also helps (not staring). If people stare at you it's probably because you look scared or off. i had to braid my hair for people to leave me alone. Yes the world is gross. But it helps
It is not like I have problem to be social , or I have problem to push myself in situations, I can go far further then people who don't have anxiety , I just have anxiety symptoms and it is not like I don't know that for most part reason is because of how I process information around me, it is not so simple to not think, or not process information as you do , the more you think of not thinking , or not taking information in such way , the more you think about it.
To really drop it you must simply not even have idea of such form of processing information in your mind and how well you can pull it of depends very much on your physical chemistry and having willingness to droop this completely, easier to be said then done though, especially when you don't want to lose your way,.
The good thing about the whole pandemic deal is that completely eliminated my anxiety issues. Granted, I haven't spoken or seen another person (besides family once/month or the grocery store) in almost two years, but still... progress, right?
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
Thank you very much Dr Tracy for making this knowledge accesible for the general public and for giving always the best advice for people that can't access to the therapist needed. I will continue to study your content as well as the self therapy recommend by Karen Horney. I hope you're always well and thank you so very much for this videos.
You’re saving lives out here Dr. Marks I LOVE YOU!
The real reason why people have social anxiety disorder is the disconnections caused by deviating away from the natural balance. Watch this CRUCIAL short documentary on youtube that applies to EVERYTHING you care about: The Connections (2021) [short documentary] 💖
Your advice seems geared toward the neurotypicals. I believe I'm on the Autism spectrum, and my social anxiety stems not from avoidance, but from repeated negative experiences. I try to be friendly and sometimes humorous (if the occasion is appropriate) and I'm NEVER rude or demanding or irrational or impatient or angry. Despite this, the overwhelming outcomes of social interactions is negative where the other person is brusque, rude, indifferent, annoyed or angry. And almost universally they try to get out of the situation quickly. What should I do?
I don’t have an answer, but you deserve to be happy. I hope you find some people who are more accepting of you. Take care of yourself
Do you know your personality type? For example I'm an INFJ-Advocate type personality (Myers/Briggs). You can start there. Really understand how you are wired (cognitively). I'm finding out that I need a new strategy to live life being "hard wired" the way that I am and how people respond to me, im learning how to accept it (be it negative or positive) and keep it moving.
Once you know you type look on RUclips and you just might not feel so alone, as there are probably others hard wired like you similarly experiencing the same thing. Hope It helps.
Dr. Tracey, can you please do more videos on social anxiety? Thank you very much.
I can. Do you have a specific question or focus?
@@DrTraceyMarks I have some ideas - tips on making friends while having social anxiety, and building self-esteem and self-acceptance
@@minwang2274 These are all good ideas and issues I suffer from. Thanks!
@@DrTraceyMarks Yes, Dr. Marks. I am very intimidated when I am in social settings around people of a higher socio economic and people who seemingly have normal, non-dysfunctional families /children. I always feel like I'm not good enough and I am always waiting on pins and needles waiting for someone to as me questions about my life. Feel of judgment and rejection rules my life. I have seen several therapists and I am no closer to relief. I thank you so very much.
Thank you, Dr. Marks. I appreciate you posting the citations and disclaimers too. Very helpful.
Dr.Tracy, I have to say from your first video I watched on PMDD where you described my debilitating condition perfectly, and every video after has been spot on in regards to my personal/mental issues. How do you understand all this so well in contrast to the many "experts" I have worked with that have no idea what I am talking about? Mahalo for your purposeful knowledge, especially for your clear understanding of issues. This is so valuable to patients attempting to help their physicians understand what they are experiencing. 🙏😊💗
I feel like I have those avoidance issues with every aspect of my life because I just let it build up so much now... I stutter when trying to answer a question in work just so afraid of everything all the time
I don't even have a regular stutter I just feel so unconfident in every single thing I do lately I physically cannot get the words out because I feel like nobody wants to hear them,, anymore
It's a physical condition (a physical deformity) that can be psychologically traumatizing, that if the physical condition can't be corrected, the psychological traumatization can't be terminated. Hopelessness is justified. The Elephant Man understood as much.
Bro you’re actually really helpful, THANK YOU!
I'm about to start volunteering today. I'm here watching these videos before I go so that I can attempt to act normal. Hearing her say that people probably can't tell how anxious you are feeling, really helped. This was really helpful. I'll be back to learn more.