As an oldest daughter of divorced parents who experienced something very similar, I cannot emphasise how important it is to move out of home. As soon as I got my first job, I moved out of home and because I couldn’t afford my own place, I had to move into a house-sharing situation, but looking back, this literally saved my life. Because my mom also refused to work, my family eventually ended up homeless, and I then had to get a bigger place and take in my two younger sisters to live with me, but I refused to take my mom in because I didn’t want to further encourage or enable her behaviour. I was able to help my sisters finish high school, and they are now in university and I am so proud of the young women they have become. Moving out of home gave me a chance to study some more, be closer to work, develop in my career, earn more money, work on my romantic relationship, and eventually get married. Today, I’m living such a great life, I earn well and my husband and I just bough a beautiful home and my two little sisters are about to graduate from university. And my mom still hasn’t changed one bit. I think achieving these things for myself, would have been really difficult (if not impossible) if I had stayed home. Moving out saved my life, and I believe was better and helpful for my sisters as well… All the best sissy… Please don’t drop out of university as this will help your own future and your family in the long-term…
Hey Zizi, my mom also refused to work even after my dad passed. I took care of my mom, daughter in law, my niece and my brother at the time. I forgot about myself and age 36 i still live with my family but atleast i work in a remote areas and see them monthend for just few days. Furthermore, i renovated my parents home and their rental houses but when its my turn to get assistance from them, they always tell me they cant afford. I dnt have a car, i use taxis but i work 100 times hard for them to afford soft life. I january um moving out to rent. Your post is a confirmation that its time i move out. ZIZI YOU JUST SAVED A LIFE. um soo depressed
I think that being an eldest sister, I have learned that you have to be very selfish about your time and well being or your parents and sometimes siblings can take advantage of you! I’m in the process of moving out soon inshallah, and it has caused drama in the family because some parents like to hold their old and toxic culture over your head especially they believed a girl should stay with her parents till she gets married. But you have to speak up and don’t be scare to stand up for yourself. Also, take time to breath and have fun without trying so hard to be perfect
i was a punching bag, a doormat, a parentified child…and my mother and younger sister will never see me again. i refuse to be abused/strangled/shamed/used. i may be alone but i will not be a scapegoat for other ppl’s shit.
I’m finally learning to create stronger boundaries with my family at 37 years old. I absolutely hated being the eldest daughter, it was stressful and I am really feeling a lot of resentment towards my family 😢
@@lordnummy that’s how you feel INITIALLY but hey it’s a new babe in town now lol as long as we are not treating people as we were treated. We are advocating for ourselves standing on business now 🫡 lol
Wheeeeew. Eldest child, and only daughter. I was the extension of my parents and we are immigrants. Baby, I moved out last year, never looked back and even thought It's hard as I combine studies and work, I WOULDN'T changed it for NOTHING YOU HEAR ME ?🗣️ The peace of mind ? The room for personal growth ? Yes ! My parents where very mad at first, but now we are best buddies. This separation was very much needed.
That bit about the survivor's guilt hit the nail on the head for me! I'm the firstborn and the way my family is barely surviving and my mom refusing to work has put so much pressure on me and my siblings to keep the family functioning. Even tho I left and am married now trying to carve out a life for myself, I still lose sleep over feeling like I've abandoned my family. My brother is moving in with us so we can help him get on his feet and have extended the invitation to help the rest of the siblings when they're ready, cuz I know our parents have no plan to help them become independent as adults.
I think this can happen to middle daughters where the eldest daughters are absent for whatever reason… I’ve feel exactly like this because my eldest sister is married off. Now I’m the eldest daughter in our household and I feel so much pressure, financially and emotionally. Definitely feel the resentment starting to build because I’m doing something I feel was never meant for me.
Yeah my sister rebelled and left early, so a lot of this expectation fell on me as the compliant second child. I feel like I was made to be the emotional mother of my family and it took a mental breakdown for me to finally snap and pull away. Now I’m trying to find a healthy balance but I’ve got so much resentment that I struggle to resolve. It’s hard out here.
I was just thinking that when they were giving the advice to the lady in the letter. The sister after her will need to take the burden. Sorry you are starting to have resentment, I hope it gets better for you.
For the young lady in the dilemma, what the sisters shared is right. You need to put yourself first or you might end up at 40 or even 60 looking back at your life and wishing you had made different choices. You were not born to pay for your parents' fallout. It's really good to make the boundaries clear with your mom and let he know what the consequences will be if they are broken, but you'll need to follow through on keeping your boundaries in place as well as the consequences. If you are shy or nervous you can writer them down and give it to her. I wish you all the best!
Thank you sooo much for acknowledging that boys go through this to. Im a 25yr oldmale with an 8yr old sister and 6yr old brother and I am exhausted. I never wanted to come back home from college because I knew I will be the babysitter. Im so ready to move out but I feel so guilty whenever I think about it because who is gonna help my mom fr? But I truly need and want to live my life. You all hit the nail on the head with everything you said down to the resentment!! I just pray that I still have enough love for my future child and that I didn’t use it all up trying to help raise my siblings and that me playing the parent figure doesn’t mess up the dynamics between my siblings and I 🥺
I am an older sister who had to take care of my younger sister as well and I feel you. Now a mother of 4 and my oldest is a boy, I would hate for him to go through the same experience as I. You will need to be “selfish” and do what is best for you. And hopefully also get some therapy if possible to help you in the future if you decide to be a father one day.
Here are some resources that has helped me deal with a similar situation: - Cinderella Complex(on the part of mothers who parentify their kids) - Mother wound (for daughters)
Oldest child of my mother and father's marriage and oldest child of my father's remarriage. There was nowhere I could go for relief of parental responsibility. When I was with mom I had two siblings I was caring for my whole life and then when I went to visit my dad, he was like "Oh good! So glad you're here to care for your siblings while we go out". Both my parents were flat broke when I was coming up, but by the time the others were coming up they both had large houses and great jobs. I resent not having an easier road. Sometimes my mom will be talking about something in the past and she will say "remember that house we had on such and such street?" And I'll say "I never lived in that house, that's the big house. By the time you got that I was out of the house" And she won't say anything, she'll just start thinking. And Now that my sibling and I are adults, mom who is almost 70, expects me to run the family when she is gone. I don't want to. I told her that I did that my whole life and I'm done. It's starting to be a source of soreness between us... I can go on and on...
I really get the feeling of the parents being broke raising you, but rich raising the young kids. I used to tell myself, "I was never my parents' child, just my parents' help". I think this is why you feel so grown at youth but infantile as an adult. As an eldest daughter, your parents never gave you a childhood. Just responsibility. Some parents make the realisation that you raise a child, you raise a child to be an adult; the child needs a strong foundation, morals, principals and constitution to grown into a healthy, well adjusted adult. I wish you well and hope you have healing and good fortune ❤
I’m the eldest daughter and first born of divorced parents, and as you get older the trauma really catches up on you. I have a younger brother and the love that he received from my mother was out of this world, meanwhile I was left to figure it out. I’m so glad that we are now talking on such topics. Thank you for this ❤️
It’s the way my mom kicked me out for the idek what time for my alleged disrespect and “serious issues” on the day this uploaded and was feeling the lowest I have in a long time. Thank you for always being here for us like actual sisters🥺🥺
@@chelleee8853 lmao thank you so much for the encouragement but I would also like to point out that I have had a plan since I was 12 and have been working towards it but the good lord or the universe keeps saying no
@@amiahjoy2249 sometimes the Lord’s rejection of what we plan ends up being the best thing. The only thing I can say is have faith in the fact that the Lord loves you enough to not forsake you and His timing is always the best timing 💓
Something about this podcast?? As soon as I’m going through something or having a conversation about something Renee and Courtney release an episode that perfectly sums up what I’m feeling. What an anointing and a blessing you two have!
This was a great video to be honest. This is something that is definetly not talked about enough. I have very emotional unavailable parents. They do not put burdens on me financially but they substitute their emotional support and physical love for material items. They give me things that they did not have as a child in an attempt to show their "love". Both of my parents are extremly emotionally immature and overall poor communicators. When I am sad I have no one to run to because they simply can not fathom that I would be depressed with all these things that they have afforded me ( tv, expensive technology,clothes, food, shelter ect.) It is very hard. To top it all of they are both extremly hardworkers. They are almost never home. Leaving me to watch my younger sister since I was eight years old. For a long time I had resentment towards my sister. I asked for a little sister but instead got my own "child" instead. I have since recognized my ways and let go of that anger. However I am still upset with my parents for their absence in my life and their continued absence in my life. I am only 17. This household is so suffocating. I can't drive and have no money so I am constantly dependent on them. I dont know what to do.
Hey sis, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! Neglect can be traumatizing. Are there any counselling services around you, possibly free or sliding scale if your parents won’t pay for it? I know when I was in a toxic household, having an understanding professional to talk to and have as a healthy guide was a game changer for me. Sending love! ❤️
Hi sisters! Love this eldest daughter series!! One thing I find myself dealing with is the constant feeling of resentment towards my parents, siblings who did not have the same pressures as me (I have all brothers), and friends who never have dealt with these issues. Any advice on how to navigate through this? Xoxo your sister
As an eldest sister I found others it did not really heal it to talk it out I feel it just kept us in that cloud of pain best revenge is success even boredom I still fall prey to visit them and always regret it , in a way or another
Woooooow!! You guys make me wanna fire my therapist… we never unpacked this during our sessions. Wow it makes me kinda tearful because I don’t feel alone. This is exactly how I feel. I feel resentful for having this role but I feel guilty for putting boundaries in place. I’m moving out in December and I know I’m going to feel some loss of identity
I absolutely love it that this RUclips channel is a safe place for eldest daughters and sisters with trauma. I am grateful to say that I came from a pretty healthy family. I am sad about being the oldest because I moved out pretty much right after high school and I’ve missed everything when it comes to my younger siblings. Birthdays Christmas is seeing my younger siblings and Halloween costumes and I kind of resent being the oldest because I missed out on so much. I’ve since lost my stepfather a brother and last week my little sister and I’m really sad that we weren’t closer. Again, I’m glad this channel exist for people that come from toxic families. I wish all the eldest sisters out there much love healing sending hugs and good vibes.
As an oldest child of 5, I appreciate this post. While I already played co-parent, when our mother died while I was in my 20s, I went from co-parent to actual parent. It was hectic to say the least and once my youngest sibling was of age I literally left the country to get some freedom. Believe it or not, I still deal with guilt at times but I try to realize that it's not my job to pick up all the pieces for everyone else and I may even be stunting their growth by doing so. Thanks again for sharing.
i literally didn't even realize that eldest daughter syndrome was a thing until i started watching this segment!! ive always felt like i was overreacting or just being sensitive. i have this extreme sense of validation as well as sadness because i'm not alone in this but I also didn't realize that sooo many other young women have felt the same insecurity and pain just because we were born first.
I really a like the pointer of Rediscovery, the new version of the eldest daughter. Connecting to your child-like passions is such a simple solve but it really is the gateway to begin again and meet yourself you graciouness and give yourself space to JUST acknowledge yourself😅. And yes, invest in rest!! Absolutely. I took a trip to a different city recently and that distance and slowing down has given me so much. It's given me some time to thing about this remodelling of my position in my family. What a great episode Sisters.🌱🙏
I loved this conversation! I could have used this advice 10 years ago lol. I'm the 2nd child and the oldest daughter in my family. Once there was opposition between my mother and I, it became harder to want to stay in that home. Even after moving out with my partner at the time (current spouse) it took me many years to get over the guilt of leaving my sisters behind. We come from a loving family. But, the weight of responsibility, trying to be an individual and family values were unbearable. I cried many times just thinking that l was leaving my sisters to deal with everything alone. Luckily, my partner helped me get through those times as well as a therapist. Also, speaking with my sisters and my parents about my feelings cleared my conscience. This video was very well done 💜
Y'all gonna have Lydia and Vee and Adella, like wow 😳😲🙌🏽🎉💃🏽Agreed with everything the Sisters said, especially about NOT giving up on uni because it will haunt you and make you resentful in the future. Do what you can to leave and distance yourself from your mother. Your siblings will be fine. Inner child healing has been pivotal for my healing journey. Loool yesss to we're waiting to exhale 😂😤We're definitely more than being an eldest daughter. Our feelings and emotions, dreams, expectations and needs are valid. I love that you guys don't fight. We need to normalize relationships like that. That part about being friends with your siblings instead of a parent 😩Thank you for all you do, Courtney and Renee!!
The fact that I'm watching this right now (the topic being something that's currently affecting me heavily) and the dilemma is literally my life story apart from the marriage part 😢, a girl is tired.
To the sister from the dilemma, dealing with the unsupportive mother: It is insane the amount of love and support you give, you truly have a good heart. May all the good you give come back to you tenfold. I feel like a lot of decisions (and obviously responsibilites) are being put on you, that were not yours to decide or deal with. Like how to support your sisters' future. And I also feel like a solution to this problem is to set that hard boundary. Once you set that boundary and say, hey, this is what I can and am willing to do, but I am not going to sacrifice my entire being just to keep everyone comfortable, certain decisions and responsibilites will fall back onto your mother. Is it going to be painful and uncomfortable? I'm pretty sure. But I'm even more sure that the peace of mind and confidence in yourself that you'll have afterwards are way more important. Really, do yourself a favor and finally put yourself first in your life. Your mother made the clear decision to put all responsibilities on you, and it is for you to decide what to put up with. It is ok to say no. It really is. It is ok to say you want to focus on YOUR career, YOUR finances, and YOUR relationship with other people. People who want to be in your life will find a way to be. Also, as much as you want to help, the people involved are adults, and adults more often than not can figure these problems out themselves or find the necessary people/resources. And as Courtney and Renee have said, a certain distance between you and your mother will definitely be helpful. I'm sure it gives you some sort of clarity on the situation. Sending a big hug, lots of love and comforting thoughts your way :) I believe in you and your happiness
The eldest daughter syndrome turns into the youngest daughter syndrome when all your older siblings marry off or eventually leave. The last child ends up the only one left in the house and because she doesn't have responsibility of being a wife or mom like the other siblings she's responsible for taking care of the parents and if there's only one parent you're responsible for being the filler wife/husband for your parent. The guilt of fleeing is even stronger for the youngest child since they're the only one left to prevent "empty nest syndrome" for the parents.
I'm the last child and only girl, people think that combo should make it a "spoilt child" galore. But for the most part, I'm like everyone's "small mummy" 😂🥺.
Same, I have one older brother and a lot of male cousins but was left to figure things out for myself and everyone else. Some of my friends even called me mummy as a nickname when we were at school.
I’m so grateful to live in a time where these conversations are finally happening in public. I thought I was so alone in this for so long and I’m glad the upcoming girls won’t have to do it alone ❤ If I could impart anything from my own experience: get your degree and then get out. With whatever resources are available to you, whatever connections you have, get the degree above all else. Figure out a way to be self sufficient in this economy. And then get some real physical and mental distance. It took me two years from when I wanted to leave before I could, but the sacrifice gave me time to get stability so I didn’t ever have to go back. But also ask for help! More people will understand and empathize than you think, and people in your community can help you find solutions that you might not have figured on your own.
So grateful for this community of sisters that you two have brought together! It is so amazing to know that you are not alone. I intend on being more active in the community so that I can find friendships and sisters through this community! This episode hit home and I am ready to start my journey of healing and growing❤️
Hi sisters! Could you please do a youngest daughter episode please? In the last eldest daughter episode you did, you said you would do one for the youngest child as well
@@kcockbur one thing I really want to address especially, is having to deal with the repercussions of older siblings' actions as well as being left to deal with parents alone once older siblings move out
This is a needed episode. Thanks for sharing ladies. The truth is that there is guilt especially when your parents are used to expecting you to cater to household needs and then you decide to be your first priority. Thanks again.
This episode is so on point and just what I needed.My situation is a bit different my mom fought hard to provide for us unfortunately she passed on just when I was about to complete uni,which automatically made me a mom to my younger siblings..all my plans took a turn from then..it’s not the easiest place to be but I am learning everyday to balance being their sister when needed and being their mom.❤️
You ladies are such blessings in this generation, you embody fellowship..especially in the nature of our humanity. Thank you for always validating and affirming our realities as sisters. I am learning so much from you two!❤
When Courtney spoke about not playing GOD- whew! When I let go, they did not crumble. Sending hugs to all my fellow 1st daughters. This flow of healing makes me so happy!
The title of the video SPOKE unto me. It said "Child! Go like and comment, download and then click away. Wait until you have a calm moment. Prepare a time when you are showered, fed and relaxed to watch this video, cause it's gonna be a LOT!"
Hey sisters, thank you for uploading this video. I always love your words of wisdom. I was wondering if I could suggest a topic: how to stop dwelling on the past (ruminating) It's something I am struggling with and was wondering if it could be a topic.
One thing I wanted to clarify about her situation was whether or not her mother was potentially on her bank account with her. i.e. does she potentially have financial control of her daughters money because I think that is another type of scenario that could potentially be into the realm of financial abuse which would require a different type of professional resources and support.
Do only daughters have this syndrome as well? I didn't have to raise any siblings but I always feel represented by all of the symptoms of this syndrome.
hey guys, shooting in the dark here. im the little sister to an eldest daughter. any advice on how i can be a better sister? im not stupid and do see that our parents favor me and my older brother more.. i do want to be an advocate for her but how do i do so without hurting her and her hurting me as well. all im thinking is separation and giving her that boundary by moving out myself.. what do you guys think?
I have two sisters (only male child) and Ive notice sometimes the oldest female sibling can almost inhibit the growth of younger female siblings. They younger siblings are never awardsed the same respect or autonomy as the oldest. In my family the eldest dsughter is overbearing and it restricts the development of us younger siblings.
I am curious. Is she or was she (the older sibling) held responsible for the failures or misbehaviour of the younger ones? she could be restricting her out of fear
@@jacobbaker4545 I am a first born female and the number of times I have wanted to yell out ' I have never done this before.I am a child too damnit!!" everytime I was pressured to set a good example are too many. For your sister I think if you look at her as just a sibling with her own personality and remove any expectations on her as the first born, you would see that maybe she is just being herself. It is up to the parents to parent each child in the way they respond to and continue showing themselves as the adults in the household i.e intentionally create space for the younger ones to thrive.If she is overbearing, could be that parents have 'delegated' power to her and not understood or showed her how to use her authority without stifling others.
No the tixs are done?! & the panelists are my FAVS!!!! Lydia, V, and Adella? 😮💨 *CRIES IN AMERICAN* will this be Available Livestream? Sigh I saw all the newsletters too but I’m wayy in California 🥲🥹
Well, I definitely felt every word that was said. Especially in the beginning, the definition of oldest daughter syndrome hit me with every word. I’m 19 at University and I am still understanding and trying to navigate relationships while at the same time feeling as if I am always giving or supporting with no help. I know there is help, it’s just about getting comfortable asking and allowing myself to receive support without feeling like I have failed or as if I am a burden. Overall great Episode!! ❤🥹
As an oldest daughter of divorced parents who experienced something very similar, I cannot emphasise how important it is to move out of home. As soon as I got my first job, I moved out of home and because I couldn’t afford my own place, I had to move into a house-sharing situation, but looking back, this literally saved my life. Because my mom also refused to work, my family eventually ended up homeless, and I then had to get a bigger place and take in my two younger sisters to live with me, but I refused to take my mom in because I didn’t want to further encourage or enable her behaviour. I was able to help my sisters finish high school, and they are now in university and I am so proud of the young women they have become.
Moving out of home gave me a chance to study some more, be closer to work, develop in my career, earn more money, work on my romantic relationship, and eventually get married. Today, I’m living such a great life, I earn well and my husband and I just bough a beautiful home and my two little sisters are about to graduate from university. And my mom still hasn’t changed one bit.
I think achieving these things for myself, would have been really difficult (if not impossible) if I had stayed home.
Moving out saved my life, and I believe was better and helpful for my sisters as well…
All the best sissy… Please don’t drop out of university as this will help your own future and your family in the long-term…
Hi Zizi good to see you here. xoxo
Hey Zizi, my mom also refused to work even after my dad passed. I took care of my mom, daughter in law, my niece and my brother at the time. I forgot about myself and age 36 i still live with my family but atleast i work in a remote areas and see them monthend for just few days.
Furthermore, i renovated my parents home and their rental houses but when its my turn to get assistance from them, they always tell me they cant afford. I dnt have a car, i use taxis but i work 100 times hard for them to afford soft life. I january um moving out to rent. Your post is a confirmation that its time i move out. ZIZI YOU JUST SAVED A LIFE. um soo depressed
Hey Zizi ❤
Happy to see that you’re part of the sisterhood ❤
@@TheBakoena_Princess hugs to you mami
This is so encouraging !! Thank you so much for sharing and congrats on your new home :)
I think that being an eldest sister, I have learned that you have to be very selfish about your time and well being or your parents and sometimes siblings can take advantage of you! I’m in the process of moving out soon inshallah, and it has caused drama in the family because some parents like to hold their old and toxic culture over your head especially they believed a girl should stay with her parents till she gets married. But you have to speak up and don’t be scare to stand up for yourself. Also, take time to breath and have fun without trying so hard to be perfect
i was a punching bag, a doormat, a parentified child…and my mother and younger sister will never see me again. i refuse to be abused/strangled/shamed/used. i may be alone but i will not be a scapegoat for other ppl’s shit.
PREACH
wishing you lots of light and positive energy on your journey
I feel this 😢
This
I feel you girl move
Eldest daughter here. Soon as i could, i packed my bags and left!!! Never looked back.
I see a crack in the door and I’m ready to run. I’m tired I’m emotionally tired mentally
I’m finally learning to create stronger boundaries with my family at 37 years old. I absolutely hated being the eldest daughter, it was stressful and I am really feeling a lot of resentment towards my family 😢
I know how you feel. I’m 31 doing the same. It’s a must!
I had to break my roots first. I'm 37 now. I feel that I have to be in some sort of strong negative state to do anything.😢
@@lordnummy that’s how you feel INITIALLY but hey it’s a new babe in town now lol as long as we are not treating people as we were treated. We are advocating for ourselves standing on business now 🫡 lol
Wheeeeew.
Eldest child, and only daughter. I was the extension of my parents and we are immigrants. Baby, I moved out last year, never looked back and even thought It's hard as I combine studies and work, I WOULDN'T changed it for NOTHING YOU HEAR ME ?🗣️
The peace of mind ? The room for personal growth ? Yes ! My parents where very mad at first, but now we are best buddies. This separation was very much needed.
That bit about the survivor's guilt hit the nail on the head for me! I'm the firstborn and the way my family is barely surviving and my mom refusing to work has put so much pressure on me and my siblings to keep the family functioning. Even tho I left and am married now trying to carve out a life for myself, I still lose sleep over feeling like I've abandoned my family. My brother is moving in with us so we can help him get on his feet and have extended the invitation to help the rest of the siblings when they're ready, cuz I know our parents have no plan to help them become independent as adults.
Soooo ready for this episode 😱😱being the first born is the ghetto 😬
Ghetttooo af… 💀🤣 but like it’s aight at the same time 😆
Tell me about it.
I HATE IT HERE 😭😭😭!!!
EXTREMELY ghetto!!
I think this can happen to middle daughters where the eldest daughters are absent for whatever reason… I’ve feel exactly like this because my eldest sister is married off. Now I’m the eldest daughter in our household and I feel so much pressure, financially and emotionally. Definitely feel the resentment starting to build because I’m doing something I feel was never meant for me.
Yeah my sister rebelled and left early, so a lot of this expectation fell on me as the compliant second child. I feel like I was made to be the emotional mother of my family and it took a mental breakdown for me to finally snap and pull away. Now I’m trying to find a healthy balance but I’ve got so much resentment that I struggle to resolve. It’s hard out here.
I was just thinking that when they were giving the advice to the lady in the letter. The sister after her will need to take the burden. Sorry you are starting to have resentment, I hope it gets better for you.
For the young lady in the dilemma, what the sisters shared is right. You need to put yourself first or you might end up at 40 or even 60 looking back at your life and wishing you had made different choices. You were not born to pay for your parents' fallout. It's really good to make the boundaries clear with your mom and let he know what the consequences will be if they are broken, but you'll need to follow through on keeping your boundaries in place as well as the consequences. If you are shy or nervous you can writer them down and give it to her. I wish you all the best!
Thank you sooo much for acknowledging that boys go through this to. Im a 25yr oldmale with an 8yr old sister and 6yr old brother and I am exhausted. I never wanted to come back home from college because I knew I will be the babysitter. Im so ready to move out but I feel so guilty whenever I think about it because who is gonna help my mom fr? But I truly need and want to live my life. You all hit the nail on the head with everything you said down to the resentment!! I just pray that I still have enough love for my future child and that I didn’t use it all up trying to help raise my siblings and that me playing the parent figure doesn’t mess up the dynamics between my siblings and I 🥺
I am an older sister who had to take care of my younger sister as well and I feel you. Now a mother of 4 and my oldest is a boy, I would hate for him to go through the same experience as I. You will need to be “selfish” and do what is best for you. And hopefully also get some therapy if possible to help you in the future if you decide to be a father one day.
Here are some resources that has helped me deal with a similar situation:
- Cinderella Complex(on the part of mothers who parentify their kids)
- Mother wound (for daughters)
Oldest child of my mother and father's marriage and oldest child of my father's remarriage. There was nowhere I could go for relief of parental responsibility. When I was with mom I had two siblings I was caring for my whole life and then when I went to visit my dad, he was like "Oh good! So glad you're here to care for your siblings while we go out". Both my parents were flat broke when I was coming up, but by the time the others were coming up they both had large houses and great jobs. I resent not having an easier road. Sometimes my mom will be talking about something in the past and she will say "remember that house we had on such and such street?" And I'll say "I never lived in that house, that's the big house. By the time you got that I was out of the house" And she won't say anything, she'll just start thinking. And Now that my sibling and I are adults, mom who is almost 70, expects me to run the family when she is gone. I don't want to. I told her that I did that my whole life and I'm done. It's starting to be a source of soreness between us... I can go on and on...
They like to pretend it's ok to use us because they did and especially if themselves they re not elder shildren
I really get the feeling of the parents being broke raising you, but rich raising the young kids.
I used to tell myself, "I was never my parents' child, just my parents' help". I think this is why you feel so grown at youth but infantile as an adult.
As an eldest daughter, your parents never gave you a childhood. Just responsibility.
Some parents make the realisation that you raise a child, you raise a child to be an adult; the child needs a strong foundation, morals, principals and constitution to grown into a healthy, well adjusted adult.
I wish you well and hope you have healing and good fortune ❤
I’m the eldest daughter and first born of divorced parents, and as you get older the trauma really catches up on you. I have a younger brother and the love that he received from my mother was out of this world, meanwhile I was left to figure it out. I’m so glad that we are now talking on such topics. Thank you for this ❤️
I can totally relate 😢❤
THIS
It’s the way my mom kicked me out for the idek what time for my alleged disrespect and “serious issues” on the day this uploaded and was feeling the lowest I have in a long time. Thank you for always being here for us like actual sisters🥺🥺
I’ve gone through the same thing many times, hang in there and start creating a plan of action towards your independence.
@@chelleee8853 lmao thank you so much for the encouragement but I would also like to point out that I have had a plan since I was 12 and have been working towards it but the good lord or the universe keeps saying no
@@amiahjoy2249 sometimes the Lord’s rejection of what we plan ends up being the best thing. The only thing I can say is have faith in the fact that the Lord loves you enough to not forsake you and His timing is always the best timing 💓
I’ve been through this. It’s very upsetting and I’m giving you a huge virtual hug❤
Something about this podcast?? As soon as I’m going through something or having a conversation about something Renee and Courtney release an episode that perfectly sums up what I’m feeling. What an anointing and a blessing you two have!
This was a great video to be honest. This is something that is definetly not talked about enough. I have very emotional unavailable parents. They do not put burdens on me financially but they substitute their emotional support and physical love for material items. They give me things that they did not have as a child in an attempt to show their "love". Both of my parents are extremly emotionally immature and overall poor communicators. When I am sad I have no one to run to because they simply can not fathom that I would be depressed with all these things that they have afforded me ( tv, expensive technology,clothes, food, shelter ect.) It is very hard. To top it all of they are both extremly hardworkers. They are almost never home. Leaving me to watch my younger sister since I was eight years old. For a long time I had resentment towards my sister. I asked for a little sister but instead got my own "child" instead. I have since recognized my ways and let go of that anger. However I am still upset with my parents for their absence in my life and their continued absence in my life. I am only 17. This household is so suffocating. I can't drive and have no money so I am constantly dependent on them. I dont know what to do.
Hey sis, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through! Neglect can be traumatizing. Are there any counselling services around you, possibly free or sliding scale if your parents won’t pay for it?
I know when I was in a toxic household, having an understanding professional to talk to and have as a healthy guide was a game changer for me. Sending love! ❤️
Hi sisters! Love this eldest daughter series!! One thing I find myself dealing with is the constant feeling of resentment towards my parents, siblings who did not have the same pressures as me (I have all brothers), and friends who never have dealt with these issues. Any advice on how to navigate through this?
Xoxo your sister
As an eldest sister I found others it did not really heal it to talk it out I feel it just kept us in that cloud of pain best revenge is success even boredom I still fall prey to visit them and always regret it , in a way or another
Hello fellow eldest daughters, we'll be alright. ❤❤🤗
Woooooow!! You guys make me wanna fire my therapist… we never unpacked this during our sessions. Wow it makes me kinda tearful because I don’t feel alone. This is exactly how I feel. I feel resentful for having this role but I feel guilty for putting boundaries in place. I’m moving out in December and I know I’m going to feel some loss of identity
I absolutely love it that this RUclips channel is a safe place for eldest daughters and sisters with trauma. I am grateful to say that I came from a pretty healthy family. I am sad about being the oldest because I moved out pretty much right after high school and I’ve missed everything when it comes to my younger siblings. Birthdays Christmas is seeing my younger siblings and Halloween costumes and I kind of resent being the oldest because I missed out on so much. I’ve since lost my stepfather a brother and last week my little sister and I’m really sad that we weren’t closer. Again, I’m glad this channel exist for people that come from toxic families. I wish all the eldest sisters out there much love healing sending hugs and good vibes.
As an oldest child of 5, I appreciate this post. While I already played co-parent, when our mother died while I was in my 20s, I went from co-parent to actual parent. It was hectic to say the least and once my youngest sibling was of age I literally left the country to get some freedom. Believe it or not, I still deal with guilt at times but I try to realize that it's not my job to pick up all the pieces for everyone else and I may even be stunting their growth by doing so. Thanks again for sharing.
i literally didn't even realize that eldest daughter syndrome was a thing until i started watching this segment!! ive always felt like i was overreacting or just being sensitive.
i have this extreme sense of validation as well as sadness because i'm not alone in this but I also didn't realize that sooo many other young women have felt the same insecurity and pain just because we were born first.
I really a like the pointer of Rediscovery, the new version of the eldest daughter. Connecting to your child-like passions is such a simple solve but it really is the gateway to begin again and meet yourself you graciouness and give yourself space to JUST acknowledge yourself😅.
And yes, invest in rest!! Absolutely.
I took a trip to a different city recently and that distance and slowing down has given me so much. It's given me some time to thing about this remodelling of my position in my family.
What a great episode Sisters.🌱🙏
This was so good! Biggest gem I learned in my late teenage to young adult years: YOU ARE A PRIORITY!💎
I loved this conversation! I could have used this advice 10 years ago lol. I'm the 2nd child and the oldest daughter in my family. Once there was opposition between my mother and I, it became harder to want to stay in that home. Even after moving out with my partner at the time (current spouse) it took me many years to get over the guilt of leaving my sisters behind. We come from a loving family. But, the weight of responsibility, trying to be an individual and family values were unbearable. I cried many times just thinking that l was leaving my sisters to deal with everything alone. Luckily, my partner helped me get through those times as well as a therapist. Also, speaking with my sisters and my parents about my feelings cleared my conscience.
This video was very well done 💜
Y'all gonna have Lydia and Vee and Adella, like wow 😳😲🙌🏽🎉💃🏽Agreed with everything the Sisters said, especially about NOT giving up on uni because it will haunt you and make you resentful in the future. Do what you can to leave and distance yourself from your mother. Your siblings will be fine. Inner child healing has been pivotal for my healing journey. Loool yesss to we're waiting to exhale 😂😤We're definitely more than being an eldest daughter. Our feelings and emotions, dreams, expectations and needs are valid. I love that you guys don't fight. We need to normalize relationships like that. That part about being friends with your siblings instead of a parent 😩Thank you for all you do, Courtney and Renee!!
The fact that I'm watching this right now (the topic being something that's currently affecting me heavily) and the dilemma is literally my life story apart from the marriage part 😢, a girl is tired.
To the sister from the dilemma, dealing with the unsupportive mother:
It is insane the amount of love and support you give, you truly have a good heart. May all the good you give come back to you tenfold.
I feel like a lot of decisions (and obviously responsibilites) are being put on you, that were not yours to decide or deal with. Like how to support your sisters' future. And I also feel like a solution to this problem is to set that hard boundary. Once you set that boundary and say, hey, this is what I can and am willing to do, but I am not going to sacrifice my entire being just to keep everyone comfortable, certain decisions and responsibilites will fall back onto your mother. Is it going to be painful and uncomfortable? I'm pretty sure. But I'm even more sure that the peace of mind and confidence in yourself that you'll have afterwards are way more important. Really, do yourself a favor and finally put yourself first in your life. Your mother made the clear decision to put all responsibilities on you, and it is for you to decide what to put up with. It is ok to say no. It really is. It is ok to say you want to focus on YOUR career, YOUR finances, and YOUR relationship with other people. People who want to be in your life will find a way to be. Also, as much as you want to help, the people involved are adults, and adults more often than not can figure these problems out themselves or find the necessary people/resources.
And as Courtney and Renee have said, a certain distance between you and your mother will definitely be helpful. I'm sure it gives you some sort of clarity on the situation.
Sending a big hug, lots of love and comforting thoughts your way :) I believe in you and your happiness
The eldest daughter syndrome turns into the youngest daughter syndrome when all your older siblings marry off or eventually leave. The last child ends up the only one left in the house and because she doesn't have responsibility of being a wife or mom like the other siblings she's responsible for taking care of the parents and if there's only one parent you're responsible for being the filler wife/husband for your parent. The guilt of fleeing is even stronger for the youngest child since they're the only one left to prevent "empty nest syndrome" for the parents.
I'm the last child and only girl, people think that combo should make it a "spoilt child" galore. But for the most part, I'm like everyone's "small mummy" 😂🥺.
Same, I have one older brother and a lot of male cousins but was left to figure things out for myself and everyone else. Some of my friends even called me mummy as a nickname when we were at school.
I’m so grateful to live in a time where these conversations are finally happening in public. I thought I was so alone in this for so long and I’m glad the upcoming girls won’t have to do it alone ❤
If I could impart anything from my own experience: get your degree and then get out. With whatever resources are available to you, whatever connections you have, get the degree above all else. Figure out a way to be self sufficient in this economy. And then get some real physical and mental distance. It took me two years from when I wanted to leave before I could, but the sacrifice gave me time to get stability so I didn’t ever have to go back. But also ask for help! More people will understand and empathize than you think, and people in your community can help you find solutions that you might not have figured on your own.
Oouuu this one is going to be good
Right!? Another one! (DJ Khaled voice lol)
The timing of this video. I could cry...
I am 30 and I am now discovering this term. I got the sense of it but didn't have the words. Thinking of steps in move forward.
So grateful for this community of sisters that you two have brought together! It is so amazing to know that you are not alone. I intend on being more active in the community so that I can find friendships and sisters through this community! This episode hit home and I am ready to start my journey of healing and growing❤️
Whew! I felt sis’ story deeply. This episode is everything I needed to hear
Hi sisters! Could you please do a youngest daughter episode please? In the last eldest daughter episode you did, you said you would do one for the youngest child as well
I need this, because youngest daughters get overlook as just these tropes of unaware and unconsciousness siblings, when that's further from the truth.
@@kcockbur one thing I really want to address especially, is having to deal with the repercussions of older siblings' actions as well as being left to deal with parents alone once older siblings move out
This is a needed episode. Thanks for sharing ladies. The truth is that there is guilt especially when your parents are used to expecting you to cater to household needs and then you decide to be your first priority. Thanks again.
Can we get a livestream of the show for international viewers??😭😭
YES! some of us can't fly to London for the show
serious matters but always bringing the laughter, perfect balance. Thanks again ladies
I have to stop listening to these at work, y'all got me c r y i n g at my desk fr
This episode is so on point and just what I needed.My situation is a bit different my mom fought hard to provide for us unfortunately she passed on just when I was about to complete uni,which automatically made me a mom to my younger siblings..all my plans took a turn from then..it’s not the easiest place to be but I am learning everyday to balance being their sister when needed and being their mom.❤️
your words are making me cry in a good way x
You ladies are such blessings in this generation, you embody fellowship..especially in the nature of our humanity. Thank you for always validating and affirming our realities as sisters. I am learning so much from you two!❤
When Courtney spoke about not playing GOD- whew! When I let go, they did not crumble. Sending hugs to all my fellow 1st daughters. This flow of healing makes me so happy!
Y’all helping me navigate through soo much! God bless you guys always🥲💕
I laughed so hard at the end. Your laughter is contagious 😂😂😂
Thank you for this episode, I hope to find sisters to live through the season with.
I'm so blessed from this episode, thank you Ladies. You are blessing us so much!💜❤🧡💛💚
The title of the video SPOKE unto me. It said "Child! Go like and comment, download and then click away. Wait until you have a calm moment. Prepare a time when you are showered, fed and relaxed to watch this video, cause it's gonna be a LOT!"
I remember listening to the podcast you all did on this topic previously, and it was soooo good! Spoke to my soul! Couldn’t wait to see this episode!
Wowwwww y’all never miss!! 😮💨 I need to slide to London since yesterday. Omg 🥲
Oh thank you I needed this
OOOOPPHHHH!!! You two never miss. 🤍
So glad i came across this video as the eldest. Is this podcast still active?
I have an essay on this topic Thank you for this video
Hey sisters, thank you for uploading this video. I always love your words of wisdom.
I was wondering if I could suggest a topic: how to stop dwelling on the past (ruminating)
It's something I am struggling with and was wondering if it could be a topic.
Thank you for this😭🤌
I'm the only daughter so I know its not exactly the same but it's close enough that I hope to gain a lot from this
One thing I wanted to clarify about her situation was whether or not her mother was potentially on her bank account with her. i.e. does she potentially have financial control of her daughters money because I think that is another type of scenario that could potentially be into the realm of financial abuse which would require a different type of professional resources and support.
Do only daughters have this syndrome as well? I didn't have to raise any siblings but I always feel represented by all of the symptoms of this syndrome.
hey guys, shooting in the dark here. im the little sister to an eldest daughter. any advice on how i can be a better sister? im not stupid and do see that our parents favor me and my older brother more.. i do want to be an advocate for her but how do i do so without hurting her and her hurting me as well. all im thinking is separation and giving her that boundary by moving out myself.. what do you guys think?
Love this topic! ❤️
CLICKED THIS SO FAST!
Not CAPTIN MARVEL 😭😭😭😭😂❤️
I have two sisters (only male child) and Ive notice sometimes the oldest female sibling can almost inhibit the growth of younger female siblings. They younger siblings are never awardsed the same respect or autonomy as the oldest. In my family the eldest dsughter is overbearing and it restricts the development of us younger siblings.
I am curious. Is she or was she (the older sibling) held responsible for the failures or misbehaviour of the younger ones? she could be restricting her out of fear
@@keipearlz no the oldest in our family did a lot of stuff that made us feel we didnt want to rock the boat abd cause our parents more grief.
@@jacobbaker4545 I am a first born female and the number of times I have wanted to yell out ' I have never done this before.I am a child too damnit!!" everytime I was pressured to set a good example are too many. For your sister I think if you look at her as just a sibling with her own personality and remove any expectations on her as the first born, you would see that maybe she is just being herself. It is up to the parents to parent each child in the way they respond to and continue showing themselves as the adults in the household i.e intentionally create space for the younger ones to thrive.If she is overbearing, could be that parents have 'delegated' power to her and not understood or showed her how to use her authority without stifling others.
@@keipearlz this was wholesome.
:wow, this was tewwwww good ✨👌🏾
I am 64 years old I have a burnout of being the mother and father of my mother and paying her bills. I am exaust ed
This is so amazing. Will there be a Chance to participate online? Online cards? 🥵
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
Womanly Wisdoms is a book that may help.
First one hereeee🎉
I refuse to be the third parent!😭🤧
I so wish this episode offered subtitles, I am hard of hearing and voices sound mumbled 🥲
If you go to the top right of the video and click cc you get the subtitles.
No the tixs are done?! & the panelists are my FAVS!!!! Lydia, V, and Adella? 😮💨 *CRIES IN AMERICAN* will this be Available Livestream? Sigh I saw all the newsletters too but I’m wayy in California 🥲🥹
Well, I definitely felt every word that was said. Especially in the beginning, the definition of oldest daughter syndrome hit me with every word. I’m 19 at University and I am still understanding and trying to navigate relationships while at the same time feeling as if I am always giving or supporting with no help. I know there is help, it’s just about getting comfortable asking and allowing myself to receive support without feeling like I have failed or as if I am a burden. Overall great Episode!! ❤🥹
So good! And plenty of good recommendations 😊❤ and yes agree on the survivor guilt 🫤